Happy Children…Healthy Children Journey of Adolescence A period of drastic change Experienced as a turbulent stage Keep faith, show respect and give them space Help them grow and mature through this phase
Children do not care how much you know until they know how much you care.
I ContentsOh these teens!! What’s going on ? 1. Changes in all Dimensions 2. Through the eyes of the teens: Pressure 3. Abuse and adolescence Typical responses of Caregivers What will work Have a dialogue Positive beginnings
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Listen deeply
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Make I statements rather than You statements------------------------------------------------ 21 Stay calm
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Pick only relevant issues Be respectful at all time Empathise with their feelings Allow alone time Do things together Praise, smile
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Show that we love them
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Examine own beliefs about right and wrong Give space to learn and think & grow Accept & care for who the teen is Some practical tips Setting Rules Using Rewards method Age appropriate Routine
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Straight Talk Alcohol & drugs Sex and relationships Body and sexuality Healthy relationships The Right time Pressure and consent Laws Completion of Education & Career Managing stress and resilience Increasing their repertoire of skills Choice: A matter of decisions Seeking Professional help
Oh these teens!! Being a teenager is hard. Not just for themselves, but also for adults around them. Adolescence is experienced by both as a turbulent phase of extreme emotions and behaviors; frustrating, annoying, exhausting, trying, a challenging time indeed!
Any adolescent, be it a girl or boy, studying in a private or a government school, in the capital city of Delhi or in the southern end of Chennai, show behaviours that make us feel concerned.
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Is there nothing but for everybody to suffer this period of life?? Certainly not!! The good news is that a lot can be done. We, the caregivers can become the agents of change!!
The quality of relationship between teens and the adults around them is an important factor influencing their smooth transition to adulthood. Through the following pages, we will understand how caregivers can prepare themselves to support the teens to negotiate the journey of adolescence, making this phase of growing up meaningful and joyful for all.
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Let’s look at some typical teenage behavioursHypersensitivity – Many teens seem to feel things more extremely and intensely to situations, even seemingly minor ones. They experience „mood swings‟, sometimes they become sad and withdrawn, at other times look excited and happy in a similar situation. They can go from a laughter spree to weeping to being silent in a matter of few moments. “I hate you, you have ruined my life”
Argumentative and aggressive- We find the teenagers being indifferent, irritable and getting angry often. They can argue and talk back more rudely than they did when they were children. They may shout, use angry slangs, throw things, bang doors and even hurt others and themselves physically. Excitement and risk seeking- Many teenagers undertake outright risky behaviors that can lead to self- harm or physical and psychological
damage
to
others
too.
Sometimes, these show up as extreme behaviours like drinking alcohol, smoking and experimenting with drugs.
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Indecisiveness- Teens are often confused and indecisive and appear full of contradictions. Whether it is something as simple as wearing the uniform to school or important things like what vocation or college to pick, the teen may seem to have a tough time making a choice. They are often impulsive, and they change their likes and decisions frequently. A focus on appearance – It is common to find them spending long hours in front of the mirror and admiring themselves. They want to try out the latest looks, take to a specific style of dressing, may insist on having latest clothes, and accessories. Girls may start using makeup, while both boys and girls may change
their
hairstyles,
get
tattoos or insist on getting body piercing done.
Romantic sexual interests- Around this time, there is a sudden increase in sexual thoughts and attractions and this begins to show up as subtle to strong sexual behaviors. Not all teenage relationships include sex, but most teenagers are seen to experiment with sexual behaviour of one or the other kind at some stage of adolescence.
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Rebellion
and
defiance-
Teens
can
be
disobedient
and
uncooperative, may start to break rules, and go against the instructions or requests of Sneh Sathis. They engage in behaviours they sometimes know are wrong, testing the limits to see to what extent they can defy the, adults.
These acts can include doing the opposite of what is expected of them and behaviours like sneaking out of the home, lying, stealing etc. Acting lazy and bullying younger children into doing some odd jobs is also common.
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Friends become most important- As children grow into teenage, communication with us adults becomes very little, while surprisingly and they can be seen talking with friends endlessly. They reject the ideas of adults, instead the opinion, acceptance and approval of the friends becomes more important for them.
As children enter adolescence, they will show many such different changes so drastic that we will wonder if the teen is normal or not. Be assured, these are all typical, common and natural teen behaviors!!
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What’s Going On?? The natural question that arises is, during adolescence, why do teens behave like this? Adolescence, the ages from about 11 to 18 years, is a period of intense change. During this transition period between childhood and adulthood, there are such enormous changes that it becomes something like a storm. Let‟s see what makes this a storm 1. Changes in all Dimensions Biological Changes- A period of rapid and uneven growth.
Around this time, the brain begins to pour out a chemical called “Hormones” of different kindsGrowth hormone, sex hormones, Adrenal stress hormones etc. which in turn fires up growth and primary & secondary sex characteristics begin to appear.
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Growth of pubic and underarm hair, and facial and chest hair in boys.
In boys there is enlargement of testicles, erections, first ejaculation, wet
dreams, deepening of voice. In girls there is breast budding, increased vaginal lubrication and the beginning of the menstrual cycle. Increased sweating especially under arms.
Dramatic
changes
happen in height and weight.
Oilier skin and acne.
As tremendous energy is
consumed the appetite and sleep and feeling of laziness increases.
Due to the inability to
adjust
to rapid growth and
redistribution of weight, teens experience
confusion
and
restlessness.
As a result, we see in the teen an increased concern about their body image, feeling awkward and clumsiness.
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Cognitive Changes- During teenage, there is intense development in the brain, the cells are being trimmed and reshaped as a result of which capacities are widen.
•
Ability to draw from past experiences improves.
•
Curiosity increases.
•
Problem solving improves
•
Creative thinking and imagination improve.
•
Develop an understanding of time better, they become more aware about the past and start to think about the future.
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•
Ability to understand and use language increases and become sensitive to its implied meanings.
•
Vocabulary improves. They can appreciate the feelings and values expressed through prose, poetry and music.
•
Memory improves.
•
Begins to understand risk.
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Concepts such as reasoning, logic, analysis -cause effect, benefit-loss, abstract concepts, similarities differences improves.
As a result of these, we can see the teens testing situations from different points of view.
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Social Development - Growth in not just internal but outward also. The teens become more socially aware and their world expands gradually. •
Center of social world shifts from family to friends. There is a strong desire to conform to and be accepted by their peer group.
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Boundaries of me, my people, others become clearer.
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As social judgment develops, teens begin to qualify people and situations based on what‟s right or wrong.
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They begin to feel attracted sexually ad intimate relationships begin to develop.
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Patience, Cooperation, and skill like Tact, Humor etc. begin to develop.
•
They begin to construct ideals.
At this stage, identity and acceptance become very important, Peer group belongingness becomes heightened. They feel a strong need to integrate self-image with opinion of others.
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Emotional Changes As teenagers grow up physically, they are also developing emotionally. They begin to experience the big feelings that life has to offer, like love, heartbreak, disappointment, humiliation or low self-worth , Jealousy, pride, achievement, reverence, generosity, nurturance, mastery, independence etc. •
The set of beliefs about oneself, including attributes, roles, goals, interests, values and religious or even political beliefs begin to take shape and so, they can be seen trying out many roles.
I won’t be able to do anything in life
I am the best
In the grip of such intense and extreme emotions, they are both Self critical and self-admiring.
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2. Through the eyes of the teens: Pressure To add to these natural changes, teens are face other stresses as well…. Pressure to fit In- All teens face more and more pressure to be part of the crowd and to be accepted and looking good is an integral part of it. Under the pressure to look fashionable or
Fashionable
even perfect looking, teens feel stressed trying to keep up with the prettiest, thinnest, or most
focus on perfection may lead to extreme measures to improve
Clever
Perfection
fashionable looks. For some, this
body image or their “look”. To look cool they try to get a
Prettiest
good cell phone or other latest gadget. Due to social media, they need to feel “alert and ready all the time. Their every move is judged by their peers; whether their peers are their true, real live friends, or the “friends” on Facebook or followers on Twitter. The pressure is always on to be trendy, cute, clever, sexy, smart, popular, etc.
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Academic pressure - Academically, with each new class, the bar is raised and the pressure to perform and get more marks grows .Teens have to not just keep up but compete in terms of academic achievement, but also in extracurricular activities and sports.
Famous
Pressure for a good future & to be successful- As they grow up, many teens begin to feel the mounting pressure about
their
future. They are concerned about what they will do after they turn 18 and which field they will get work after graduating.
Sexy
In order to be successful and have a b have a bright future, they are under constant pressure to do everything right.
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3. Past Abuse and Adolescence Most children in our home , are likely to have endured longer exposure to multiple and severe difficulties abuse, violence, etc. The devastating consequences of such experiences ,especially sexual abuse can be seen during adolescence. When children of 7 or 9 years of age is sexually abused, it is a physically hurtful, confusing, and alarming event , but they do not have a context for defining the abuse. When they turn 12 or 13, they begin to learn and think or experience sexual feelings , they cognitively reassess the abuse. This can result in many different emotions and responses from them, such as depression, anger, violence and pre mature sexual activity.
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So, overall adolescence is indeed a severe situation.
What teens are going through is not just a storm, much more than that. These changes are perhaps inevitable and almost not in their control….
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Typical Response of Caregivers Undoubtedly, we have the best interest of the teens in our mind, and we are committed to managing them, but in this process our behaviour makes matters worse.
Thoughts
Feelings
She is doing it purposely to irritate me.
She is so selfish.
Anger She has no brains at all. She is trying to manipulate me. She is being abusive to me. How can she talk so rudely to me???? Oh my god…She is doing this third time in 2 days!
Reactions
Frustration Irritation Defeated Hurt Despair,
How dare she!!! I will slap her next time she does that! I will get her thrown out from the home. I will show her the next time…. I will show what the real me is capable of. If she is can be bad, I can be worse! I will set her right… What else I one expect of someone like her? I am a failure… She is beyond repair… I give up!! To hell with her… I had advised her, now let her suffer….
Mistakes we make as we go about managing these. Our communication, what we do or say to the teens has a significant influence on them.
These leads to, provocation, resentment, bitterness, erosion of mutual trust, close of communication channels and a negative attitude toward all authority figures.
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What will work… 1.
Have a dialogue - When we complain that teenagers don‟t listen to us.” we must pause to reflect about how much we actually listen to them! Remember, conversation involves at least two persons. Teens are no longer children and can't be bullied by the "do-it-because-Isaid-so"
instructions.
With
an
open
and
receptive
two-way
communication, the teen will be willing to cooperate. Before saying „no‟ to a request, stop and consider if there are reasons to say „yes‟ this time? Be willing to hear their side and prepared to negotiate and compromise to reach a mid-way consensus.
“Last time you behaved so stupid, you messed it up… I will not allow you to do this…”
“Ok, let me hear what you have to say about last times mess up…. and then maybe we can see how to do it differently this time”
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2. Positive beginnings. A conversation will break down if it starts by confronting with demands, assumptions and complaints. Coming from a place of inquisitiveness will be better received and responded to. Ask open questions instead of questions that can be answered in „Yes or No‟.
“I’m worried that you haven’t been your usual self. Is everything OK?”
At the same time, avoid asking too many questions as being too inquisitive can make them feel pried upon. Rather, a spontaneous conversation during an activity such as, a chat while waiting for a meal etc. can make for some meaningful communication. 3. Listen deeply- Listen deeply and genuinely to what teens say, give them full attention and look at their body language
too.
Even
a
spontaneous
comment about something that happened during the day is her way of reaching out. Communication and cooperation can be easier when they feel that we are listening to their
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point
of
view.
4. Make I statements rather than u statements- “I” statements help to focus on own experience of a situation and so helps to avoid blaming and criticizing other people.
“You” statement:
“I” statement: “I feel frustrated when I find you missing from the dinner line.
“Why do you always come late for dinner? You know I have other things to do.
I don’t like calling you again and again and I begin to think that I will have to leave the other children and climb up the stairs to bring you down”
You make me call and call and you take forever to come.”
Response to „I‟ statements are received less defensively than you statements.
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5. Stay calm- Teens often show many behaviours that disturb us and make conversations unpleasant. Instead of reacting to an angry, shouting teen and wanting to “win” by challenging or shouting back louder, remain calm. By shouting and getting annoyed, the situation will only become more aggressive and tenser. If necessary, move out from the situation for a few minutes until we feel calm. Give the teen the chance to make their point and then respond calmly to what they have said. Once they run out of things to say, they will calm down. Here are some Self - calming thoughts to use next time:
I cannot control his behaviour, but I can control my behaviour.
I’m not going to let this get to me.
I am not going to be stubborn.
I’m not going to yell. My being upset and yelling will not help the situation. I don’t have to deal with this in an upset state of mind, it will only make matters worse. I will stop and be quiet for a while. I will go to another room and take some deep breaths.
Later I will talk about it calmly with her.
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6. Choose the battles- Don‟t treat every situation like a crisis and over react. Let go of small things and pick the important ones so that we influence the ones that really matter, and let the others go. “Boy with low jeansHey… Don’t I look cool”
“If you think you do…. you surely do”
If you criticize every little thing, then the teenagers will not understand when the situation is really serious. 7. Be respectful, at all time: Teenagers are very sensitive, speak to them the way we like to be spoken to i.e. respectfully. They have been watching and copying us carers. If we want them to behave well, we need to make sure that our behavior is appropriate too. By showing respect we model good behavior and let them know that we expect them to act responsibly.
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8. Empathize with their feelings. The little things, even acne are important for a teen! It is often our tendency to discount or downplay or trivialize their feelings and be dismissive.
Dismissive
Empathize
“What’s the big deal? It only a pimple, don’t act silly”.
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“yes, you were looking forward to your dance performance so much and this pimple has appeared …it can feel bad.”
9. Allow alone time -Teenagers are trying very hard to find and create their own identity and it is important to allow them time on their own, and some privacy, to enable them to feel that they are growing up.
Teens think a lot about how their bodies look. They also compare their bodies with others. A positive teenage body image is an important part of healthy self-esteem. Let them look at the mirror!
We need to emphasise from time to time that the more than their size and shape and colour, the strengths in their character, i.e. things like his sense of humour, effort at school, helpfulness or other special skills are what are really attractive about her. 10. Do things together- It‟s important for teens to know that they can be in proximity to us, and share positive experiences, without having to worry that we will pop intrusive questions or confront them for something. It will be great if we can spend time doing things we both enjoy, whether it‟s cooking or playing, without talking about anything personal. During activities, give them responsibility, they feel very important.
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11. Praise, smile. We tend to praise children more when they are younger, but adolescents need the self-esteem boost just as much. They might act like they‟re too cool to care about what adults think, but reality is they still want our approval. Find things to appreciate, look for opportunities to be positive and encouraging. Rather than waiting until the teen has done something perfectly to give a compliment, look for little changes and successes and praise the effort or improvement.
The golden rule is- praise more than we criticise.
Activity : Pay attention to your teen and notice the following things: 1. One quality I like about the teen is 2. One of the teen‟s strengths is 3. A behavior I appreciate in this teen is
12. Show that we love them- Teenagers often don‟t like themselves very much anyway during adolescence and are desperate to hear again and again that they are loved, no matter what. We need to show that we value the teenager and their uniqueness. We need to remember that they may not be the lovely, cute little child any more, but this is still a child and that we still love them. Demonstrate affection by giving them a quick pat, hug (sex appropriate) from time to time, it will remind both, the child and us that we are important to each other.
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13.Examine own beliefs about right /wrong- Our mind and heart works usually on a series of thoughts, beliefs and feelings that we learned in childhood and throughout our lives. Some of our beliefs are helpful but when we look at everyone through the same lens, it a damage our relationships. This happens when we have strict ideas of what “Should and Must be” and categorize everything into good or bad based on our “right” and wrong. We often judge children into are good children or bad child. Some of these beliefs we need to examine and check –
“Children should study
“Children should never lie”.
most part of the day”
“Children who
“Tattoos are a sign
watch pornography
of being wayward”
“Children should never talk back to
are bad”
their parents”.
“Children should not have thoughts about “Wearing
sex”.
“Girls who want to wear
lipstick is a bad
short skirts are
sign”.
bad”
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14.Give space to learn and think- We learn a whole lot more by making our own mistakes, and thinking things through for ourselves, than we do from being told what to do by someone else. Teenagers are exactly the same. We need to have the confidence in the teen that they can find their own solutions to their problems. Appreciate that the teenager has a different view of the world and respect their opinions. Our role has to gradually move to helping them to think things through it. It is important that we give them the space to do so, and make clear that we are available for discussion if necessary.
“I see that you are thinking and doing things differently”
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“But this is a good thing….you are learning to be your own person”
15. Accept & care for who the teen is - Instead of wanting to change them altogether, help and groom them to develop their unique strengths and feel excited about their interests. This will help the teen to develop a sense of pride and confidence.
Activity Now, examine yourself against the above and assess yourself. List out the ways that you typically behave that useful, and those that are not. My behaviours that are helpful
I try to speak respectfully I am ready to negotiate I don‟t confront every behaviour
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My behaviours that are not helpful
So, then what is the right way with a teenager?
Striking a balance between rejecting to being too involved
A teen‟s job is to grow up and become an independent adult.
As a carer, my role is to help them through this process. I will help them to make good choices. I will ensure that they stay safe through this journey.
Adults are a big influence on the young who is shaping up in front of them.
I will be the adult in their lives who they can trust and on whom they can rely on. I will provide them with a sense of security and consistency.
Teenagers‟ life progress is rarely straightforward. They are negotiating a huge change…a lot is not in their hands.
I will not ignore/avoid or reject the teen. Without losing my temper or getting disappointed, I will help the teen to go through this roller coaster journey. Will enable and empower them.
Teens will use behaviours and strategies that have helped them to survive and cope.
I will nurture them, not as a disciplining parent but as a coach and friend. I will think of it as a partnership.
Times have changed drastically. The norms 10 years back have changed.
I will not take their resistance or anger personally. Even in the face of resistance or even aggression, I will be patient, flexible and try to negotiate, and be respectful.
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Even when she is aggressive, I will teach her other ways to communicate and negotiate what she wants.
16. Some practical tips Setting Rules- Instead of nagging, shouting or pushing, set up some ground rules that address the basic concerns. As much as teenagers protest the rules, they really are craving the structure or the safety it provides to them. There are several concerns around which rules can be made, some of them being- Wakeup and sleep time, chores, dressing, school behaviour and grades, smoking, Alcohol/drug use, cell phone use, expression of anger or violence, attractions and interactions, conflict resolution, running away from the home etc. These can be prepared under the following themes-
Rules about safety.
Rules about hygiene.
Rules about being responsible.
Rules about respectful behavior.
Rules should be in form of contracts. Teens like to, can and should be involved in the rule-making process. This gives them a sense of autonomy. Choose the most important things to make rules about, asking them to propose some fair rules. In an interactive session sit with the teens and list out the behaviours to be put on the list. It‟s best to have more „do’ than „don’t’ rules. Don‟t make the list too long.
Next, help them to think about what they think the consequence should be if they break a rule. Writing down the rules is helpful. After creating these rules and consequences, the most important part is implementing it consistently.
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2.Using Rewards method-Is a simple yet effective way of encouraging change in behaviour by offering an incentive in exchange .The technique can be used extensively with teens. The method is discussed in the booklet titled Reward chart method” in the series called Healthy children, happy children. Remember to have rewards that are suitable for their age. A handful of chocolates might have worked when she was 6 or 8, but it isn't likely to change the behaviour of a teenager. Therefore it is important to allow the teen to have some say in their rewards or privileges.
3. Age appropriate Routine- As we understood earlier, teens are developing cognitively, socially and emotionally. If we continue having the same methods and routines they will be bored and not motivated. Ensure that the daily routine has activity options that are suited for the growing age and match their development. See that at least some of the activities each day are age appropriate and are incorporated into the routine of activities. Changes have to be introduced both in the content and the way they are conducted. They need more excitement, need to feel independent and adult like.
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Modify the routine and innovate to keep teens feel excited and engaged.
Modify content
Keep it informal, interesting, simple, fun.
Modify methods
Have a good mix of changes in the body, taking care of it, confidentiality, careers talks and lot of life skills. In addition, privacy, free time, dance, fun, sports time, open sessions, interesting movies based discussions, cooking sessions. Current affairs, grooming time etc. should also be included.
Modify Language
Make activities relevant and full of zest.
Use lot of technology, offer hands on learning, physical exercise, vigorous games interactions with volunteers and young professions, Informal and formal interactions, relevant film based discussions, exposure visits, and use of more thinking, sharing, humor and friendly methods.
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Straight Talk It is adequately clear that as adolescents negotiate teenage, we cannot and should not try to define their journey for them. What we can do and do effectively to enable and empower them is to Educate! By educating, we are arming the young teens with the right information, which will influence their teen moments, days and months.
A transition is a time that brings up a lot of thoughts and ideas in the mind of the teen and therefore it is ideal time to bring up these. They are searching, looking for clarity and are hungry for these conversations. Having someone encourages and support that search feels good; feels right and helps them immensely as they go about understanding life.
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There are many important themes, but remember not to miss focusing of following: Alcohol & drugs Most teens in our care are not strangers to alcohol and drugs. Many of them are introduced to soft drugs, solution and even alcohol due to various circumstances and pressures on the streets. Some others will want to experiment with it as they move through their teenage. It is important that we talk about the risks and consequences associated with drug use. Highlight that, whether initiated by themselves or in the company of peers, drugs might make them feel relaxed, sociable and full of energy initially, but there can be serious consequences on their physical as well as mental health. In its influence , the inability to make responsible and safe decisions are almost always compromised, which can costs
dearly, from falling
behind in class, to major consequences such as assault, rape , injury, and even death. Sex and relationships Romantic feelings and relationships are a major developmental milestone and involve exploring physical intimacy and sexual feelings as early as 911 years and teenage relationships around 14-15 yrs. From 15-19 years, romantic relationships can become central to their life. As an essential part of our care, we must make sure that children are fully and correctly informed about its various dimensions.
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Body and sexuality- Teen bodies are changing rapidly, sparking a lot of concerns and doubts in their minds. Explain in detail about the changes in various parts of the body, what to expect, what‟s natural, what‟s not etc. Discuss the feelings and awkwardness around these changes and how to manage them. Help them to understand that it‟s a universal process and everyone goes through these changes.
Curiosity and sexual behavior in teens can disturb us
But let us understand that these feelings lead teenagers to a deeper ability to care, share and develop intimate relationships
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Healthy relationships- A big part of being a teenager is exploring new relationships. Broadening their understanding that there is much more to relationships than sex, help them to understand the nature of a „healthy‟ relationship in which both partners respect and support each other. We must also focus on talking about relationship problems- crushes, problems during a relationship, including potential abuse, to being rejected. Help them to understand and set expectations and boundaries in this regard. Teens must know how to identify if they are in an abusive relationship. The Right time - Teens need to understand the difference between love, infatuation and sex. Discussing with the teen when is the right time to become sexually active is very important. Help them to understand that sex carries with it, major responsibilities helping them to reflect and unpackaged what is meant by the “Right time”. Address assumptions, myths, attitudes and laws relating to sexuality e.g. - that sex is not proof of adulthood and it won‟t heal a troubled relationship.
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Pressure When
and it
adolescents
consent-
comes and
to
sexual
experimentation, it needs to be strongly emphasized that a
prerequisite
Yes Or No
for
appropriate sexual activity and the way to avoid abuse is “consent”. Help them to understand that it‟s never okay to push someone to engage in any kind of sexual or romantic activity or to go further or faster than they‟re
Silence is not consent Agreeing to meet alone is not consent
Wearing tight clothes is not a yes Having tea or coffee together is not a yes Laughing at your jokes is not a yes Sharing my secrets with you is not a yes No does not mean yes . No means no.
ready for nor be pressurised by another person to do the same. Many teenagers find it awkward and difficult to ask,
grant
or
withhold
consent but it needs to be stressed that paying attention to how others are feeling is an essential part of any relationship and the concept of explicit consent. There are several other themes that need to discussed, some these include pornography, sexting, masturbation, marriage, pregnancy, contraception, sexually transmitted diseases etc. all connected to respecting one‟s own and other people‟s body and sexuality.
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Laws- Teens should be familiarised with the legal implication of
sexual activity both before 18 and after 18yrs. A detailed orientation on the POCSO Act will help them understand their Rights as well as their role in respecting and protecting the safety or other children and teens.
Completion of Education & Career
Without putting pressure, help the teens to understand that they are gradually nearing the end of childhood, in its legal sense and the impending exit and transition out of the home in the coming years.
Careers
Formal education
School
Even though the academic road will get more difficult, encourage them to complete formal education up to senior secondary or at least 10th. They should be introduced to the Udaan transition program where they will begin thinking about further study, choice of a vocational training, jobs, careers etc.
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Managing stress and resilience
Teens face challenges such as changing relationships with peers, bullying, new demands at school, concerns about body image, safety issues and concerns about future. There are also everyday issues like arguments with friends, disappointing test results or bullying etc. They have to learn how to manage these stresses that will invariably be part and parcel of life now and as they move on their journey. Some face more serious challenges like family issues like illness or death, and others have more challenges than others because of learning difficulties or disabilities, or because they have more anxious personalities. We need to help them identify ways in which they can relieve their stress in a healthy ways.These include exercising, getting enough sleep, listening to music, writing, drawing, eat adequately and reminding themselves of their accomplishments. Teaching them to be resilient will
help them to prepare, cope
find alternatives, overcome
challenges, bounce back and keep moving forward.
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Increasing their repertoire of skillsTeens also need to be helped to understand that life is a roller- coaster. There are many changes they are facing during this temporary phase and then there will be compelling social and emotional situations to encounter and negotiate and cope with later. A good range of Life skills are the competencies that will help them to carry on their existence effectively in the process of change. Help them to understand that they need to prepare themselves with skills for practical day to day living and daily challenges and risks, independent decision making, healthy problem solving, effective communication skills, and constructive coping skills. This will increase awareness, improve safety and prepare them to live with dignity. This will enable them adequate, to feel liberated, to maintain their individuality, and to be productive individuals in society.
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Choice: A matter of decisions.
We will have to help the teen to understand that life is like a road. There will be long and short roads; smooth and rocky roads; crooked and straight paths. There will be corners, detours & the most perplexing road that they would encounter; Cross roads!! Teens will need help to understand that the road they choose will put them through various experiences. While some will lead to happiness others to sadness, roads towards victory and jubilation, and roads leading to defeat and disappointment. Rather than being bewildered by consequences they weren‟t expecting, help them to connect the dots between choices they may make and consequences of those actions. Its important to emphasize them to exercise caution to not make decisions haphazardly and avoid choosing paths that would get make one to get lost and will be harmful. We need to help teens to understand that taking risks is not about being careless and stupid. Help them understand the balance between head and heart and to take make choices mindfully which will reduce the chances of it being wrong. Taking Decision
1. Analyse - ask the 5 W's: what, who, when, where, and why. What is the situation? Who are the people involved? What did this happen? Where is this leading? Why are you in this situation? When do I start correcting it? 2. Identify and create options-Weigh the pros and cons of every option.
3. Assess each option by looking at the advantages and disadvantages, it offers, choosing the best option at this point in time.
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Seeking Professional Help Teenage is a long period, lasting 7-8 yrs. While we as carers do our best to enable and empower them, and the consequences each day will teach them important life lessons, they will still continue to test the limits, and break the rules sometimes. Sometimes however, behaviours can be a sign of a more serious issue. Here are some behaviours that need us to seek professional helpBehaviour that interferes with school - Behaviour that interferes with the education repeatedly may indicate a problem. Absolute refusal to attend school, getting sent out of class, getting into fights, and difficulty concentrating and staying on task are potential warning signs.
Behaviour that interferes with social interaction - It‟s normal for teens to have spats with peers, but if a teen is spending a lot of her time alone, is disconnected with her peers and prevents him/her from having friends, or shunning all social activity, that's a concern
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Extreme mood swings- Many common mental health problems, such as depression, have their onset in early adolescence. If the teen shows sadness and anxiety or extreme excitement that doesn‟t correct itself or decrease in intensity after a few days to a couple weeks, consult a professional.
Self-injury or talk about suicide - It‟s also important to have a child evaluated by a professional if there is any talk about suicide.
Violent behaviour including explosive temper tantrums, physical aggression, repeated threats or attempts to hurt others (including thoughts of wanting to kill others), use of weapons, cruelty toward animals, intentional destruction of property and vandalism are signs for seeking professional help. Repeatedly showing extremely risky behaviour and/or delinquent behaviour, disregard for rules or laws of society should also be attended to by professionals.
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Sexualized behaviours that are not developmentally appropriate - Teens will show some forms of sexual experimentation. But this should never be coercive or excessive at any age and if, despite educating the teen it continues, seek expert help. Discuss the situation with the team and seek appropriate help. Reassure the teen that the intention is to help them and not to make it worse. Help them to understand that getting professional help is not a sign of weakness or of failure but a sign that one wants things to be better. Whatever is going on, we will be with through this time, figuring out a plan together and supporting to be able to cope with it, till things are fine.
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My thoughts
Love is a strong link between a child and Sneh Sathis, on which the emotional development of children depends. This booklet is part of a series that provides us with the necessary information to provide the best care for children so that children emerge from shock and attain stability and develop fully.
