DECEMBER 2021| ISSUE 4
Queen Eagle ...THE JOURNEY CONTINUES
Contents Trust and love: Who deserves it?
2
Today...The Yesterday of Tomorrow: Journeys through life
4
Stay Fearless
6
#QueenEagleDehFarrin
7
Queen Eagle Issue 4| 1
DECEMBER 2021
Trust and love: Who deserves it? In the last issue, I spoke about my capacity to love wholly while still maintaining distance from the object of my affection. Now, I want to get somewhat deeper into that idea. In my culture, we are raised not to trust anyone (to some extent...this is a gross oversimplification), and to be wary of whom we love. We are taught these defenses early in life as a way to protect and preserve ourselves.
Despite all of that, something within me always felt like that was the wrong approach. Love and trust are such beautiful emotions and states of being. Imagine feeling safe in the presence of another so much so that you can be your true self, you can let go of all your fears, you can exist in the moment without worry…who wouldn’t want that? Right?!
But that’s exactly it! When we love and trust, we no longer give credence to the hazards around us. We trust that we will be protected, that our feelings will be recognized and reciprocated, that our desires will be fulfilled. Yet, we often do not think about what is required of others to make that a reality. We lay ourselves bare to the will of another without thinking of whether they are ready to - or even if they’re willing to - accept that responsibility.
I have been very guilty of that, and I have the scars to show for the heartbreaks I suffered - from friends, lovers and family. Yet, that has never stopped me from loving and trusting. These two emotions are as much desires of the heart, as much as they are projections of the mind. And, I believe that to reject either or both is to accept that the world is loveless and untrustworthy. I do not believe that!
Queen Eagle Issue 4| 2
DECEMBER 2021
Trust and love: Who deserves it? My mother recognized something in me from a very early age. She always told me that I believed too much in people, that I only see good. It’s true! But she always taught me never to swear for another, a lesson I’ll never forget. So this is where my duality in love comes from. I can love authentically and trust...fully, but still, be wary enough to question actions and identify inconsistencies in someone's actions. It’s both a blessing and a curse really.
My love isn’t blind, and being aware of that also means that I don’t get the 100% joy of pure bliss when in love. I guess that’s okay also. Nothing is perfect, right?
So when I ask the questions of who deserves my love and my trust, the answer is no one. But that has never, and will never stop me from giving it to anyone whom I think will make it worth the while to give it.
It's about taking chances.
Queen Eagle Issue 4| 3
DECEMBER 2021
Today...The Yesterday of Tomorrow: Journeys Through Life They say life is what you make it, but the quality of that construction is linked to the quality of the available resources, your skills, and the quality of your team…if you have one. We have been on a journey through life since the day we were conceived. Every cell, every process within us tending towards survival…one might say we were all born fighters. But, what does that even mean? To fight? What are we fighting for? Who are we fighting? Most importantly, what is the prize?
My life changed a few years ago by an incident that occurred at home. I had a male friend come over to pick up some stuff he needed for classes. He ended up sleeping over because of the torrential rains we were experiencing and of course, we slept in the same bed. In about two days after he left, when I was heading to classes (I was enrolled in my Master's program) I got a call from my mother asking if my friend and I were having sex in my room.
Needless to say, I was dumbstruck at the question. After finishing that conversation, my friend called me, as my mother had also called him with the same question. This conversation was way worse because my friend effectively told me that we can no longer be friends…who am I kidding, we were together - at this point going on a few years. He ended the relationship out of fear that his sexuality would be revealed.
My stepfather accused us of having sex and in the most distasteful and embarrassing way possible, forced me to move out of my mother’s home with nothing but shame and garbage bags filled with my stuff. I didn’t have it in me to exit with the pride of one Elektra Abundance. I had no time to pack or find a place to stay; luckily, at the time I had friends who would have driven to the Galapagos if I needed them. I had a place to stay.
That single day was the most defining point in my life. Everything changed for me: I knew then, that a mother’s love as pure and deep as it may be was not enough to keep me safe, I confirmed everything I hated about my stepfather (trust that this wasn’t his first show), I lost the one I loved the most and my ability to commit to anyone, the true tests of my friendships began. Sounds daunting doesn’t it, well, it was! But it was also good.
Queen Eagle Issue 4|4
DECEMBER 2021
Today...The Yesterday of Tomorrow: Journeys Through Life
The events of that night set me on a path of selfrecognition, a journey that continues today and, no doubt, will continue into tomorrow. A path of learning to love and live authentically but with caution, to forgive fully but remain reminiscent, and to trust with my life but keep contingencies. These are lessons only life could teach me.
Life is certainly filled with challenges, and that’s the nature of our existence. What is also true about life, is that these challenges are opportunities to grow, to learn, to elevate, to unlock what has been buried deep. Life’s challenges, I believe, were designed for us similarly to the 7 Herculean tasks, to bring us to unlocking our final form.
Many may not agree, because we exist in such a fucked up system that adds a layer of difficulty that is unnatural. I am all too cognizant of that as a queer, non-binary, feminine presenting, black male from a developing country. The point of my story is that it’s true that the world is fucked and we are not always in control of our next move. It’s true we have been dealt a hand and that the game continues to change as soon as we think we have it figured out. What is also true is that the only thing about our life that is sure, is our past…yesterday; and our future depends on how well we remember it.
Our future…tomorrow, is in a state of flux and the decisions we make over the things for which we have control are critical to what happens next. A friend said recently, “reframe your challenges”. That is a foundational principle of my life, and it has proven to be nothing less than a foolproof approach. Today is the yesterday of tomorrow, live fully because once it’s done, it cannot be undone and we have no control over what the outcome will be.
Because of this period of displacement, grief, poverty, and dependence on the will of others, I was forced to confront my own fatal flaws. I had to acknowledge how much I immersed myself in others when I feel safe. I had to confront the links between my success and the existence of ‘mutual’ feelings and bonds with others. I had to confront how dependent I was on the idea that I was loved. Nothing about my life at the time, though you could never tell, was intrinsically motivated. I was living, not for myself, but for those I cared for, in spite of whether they cared for me.
I learned, through the experience of trauma that I was all I needed and I'm still learning to accept that I am enough. In the words of Adele, I hope I learn to get over myself, so the next time I end up in love, it's for 'free'.
Queen Eagle Issue 4|5
DECEMBER 2021
#QueenEagleDehFarrin #SyracusePhDQueen
This title is probably a long time coming. Having relocated, temporarily, to the USA for school, I am now realizing that I haven't documented anything about that journey and what it meant for my transition. If you're a regular reader, you know by now that I identify as non-binary and am Jamaica's self-proclaimed #NonbinarySTEMQueen...the one and only. If not, I recommend Volumes 2 and 3 for tidbits on what that journey to self-actualization was like.
I pretty much uprooted my life to move to #Syracuse, New York to take up a #FulbrightScholarship to pursue a #PhD because I was at a point in my life where I needed a reset. Besides feeling stifled by the lack of freedom to express myself freely, I piqued at my job, there were no interesting opportunities for further studies locally, and I was near struggling financially...I needed a break! You must know I felt like this was the only way out in order to justify relocating at the peak of a pandemic that was just declared a few months prior, and no less in the country with the worst management. Syracuse is a quaint post-industrial city in central New York that is rich with nature and culture and a history of resistance to slavery. I don't speak the language of architects, but the buildings give the city a very rustic feel, and it's super quiet on a regular day. It's as far from New York City in character as it is in distance, but I love that! There is enough to do for it to not be boring but doesn't suffer from the hustle and bustle of the southern New York metropolis. Plus, there is a very active queer community that's not all the way up their own asses...it's cute; far! but cute!
My time here has been one of the mixed emotions. Aside from the expected nostalgia for my friends, not the country, I've had to navigate culture shocks, acknowledgment of trauma, and of course adjusting to the cold. I've traveled to the states a few times before but never for more than two weeks, so I was never required to assimilate. I'm happy I made the choice to relocate though, I miss the girls back home, but dem have visa, and plane still a fly, we'll figure it out.
Queen Eagle Issue 4|7
DECEMBER 2021
#QueenEagleDehFarrin #SyracusePhDQueen
Since being here I've begun to live my truth openly and unabatedly. Being able to freely (and legally) use my chosen name to conduct business is a blessing I never knew I needed. That alone has boosted my confidence to do so much more and express myself even more freely in spaces that would've normally made me anxious. I mean if you follow my Instagram (@emme_kristi) or my Twitter (@teralepido) you'll see the transition, lol.
I've also realized how oppressed I was back home. I remember dressing up and going to the store in all my queerness. While there, I overheard the Jamaican accent being spoken by two men and immediately retracted and became alert. That friends...is #trauma.
Don't worry though girls, I'm still queer as fuck! #BeingMeSince'89 #QueenEagle #KrisTI...I've been doing well on all fronts (giggles). I'm moving along nicely in my Ph.D. program with my research proposal drafted and preparing to go for candidacy exams so I can become a #PhDCandidate an bere tings. The GPA is healthy, the bills are being paid, the mental health a gwaan, mi physically healthy, still serving lewks and in my spare time, I do a little #Touring and #Whoring.
As we close out 2021, another issue of Queen Eagle and another pandemic year, I am grateful for all the decisions I made and I am trying hard to be kind(er) to myself. You should too. We don't ever know what the future will hold and where it will take us - plan as we might - but one thing's for certain, if you want something, you have to make space in your life for it!
Queen Eagle Issue 4|8
Editor in Chief and Lead Contributor: Emme Kristi (@emme_kristi) Cover Page: Photography by La Teka Lynch (@Torri_tt) Photography Contributions: La Teka Lynch (@Torri_tt) Queen Eagle Logo Design: Trevmedia (@trevmedia)
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