Latest 7: No. 416 by Latest Homes

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3/20/09

1:24 PM

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t h e city magazine for brighton & h o v e www.thelatest.co.uk

★ arts ★ news ★ food ★ listings ★ tv guide ★ 24 – 30 March 2009

FREE WEEKLY

waiting game patrick stewart and ian mckellen on preparing for godot

show time

puppy power our top tips to pamper your pet

grab the hottest tickets in town for brighton festival fringe

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3/18/09

1:48 PM

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003_LS416_contents

3/20/09

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Contents ★latest upfront 5–13 5 Seann meets his nemesis; Crossword 6 Social Diary flits from party to party 6 Win a night out or a night in 7 Dani believes in custard democracy 8 Alison welcomes a new dawn 8 Will finds the squatting life a struggle 9 Celeb City: Heather Mills to open a caff 10 Bare Cheek: Inside Hove Prison 10 Astral Angi: fancy a drink? 11 Interview: Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen are ready for Godot

12 Pet-tastic: animal pamper products

Welcome

★ latest listings 21–41 21 Reviews We say what we saw

23 Stage Helen Mirren being broadcast at the Duke of York’s in Phedre

25 Film

Il Divo director Paolo Sorrentino

26 Comedy Don’t lose the rhythm

26 Art Radiohead artwork on show

27 Kids & Events Easter egg hunts at last!

27 Books John doesn’t need a room of his own

13 On the cover: the brilliant line-up for Brighton Festival Fringe

★ latest news 14–20 14 News summary and Mary Mears 15 Phil Mills on celebrity meerkats 16 Letters: Anish Kapoor controversy

Brighton Latest Download Chart

28 Music Nick Harper and Counting Crows

31 Clubs Get back out there and celebrate

16 Sport: Rugby and women’s cricket finals

32 Gay

★ latest lifestyle 17–20

34 TV

17 Andrew visits The Meadow

TOP

Zoe Lyons meets the PM Dani‘s intrigued by the Playboy Mansion, and plan your viewing with our seven-day TV guide

18 Hotlist. Try something new. 20 Health: look after your eyes

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01273 818150

Editorial: editorial@thelatest.co.uk Advertising: lynne@thelatest.co.uk Managing Editor Bill Smith

Production Editor Victoria Nangle

Business Director Angi Mariani

Editor Rachel Pegg

Creative Director Andrew Kay

Assistant Editor Zara Baker

Production Director Fiona McTernan

Music Editor Jeff Hemmings

Finance Manager Sharon Caple

Chief Sub Editor Alison Swann

Art Director Stephen King

Sub Editors Joe Curtin Patrick O’Donnell

Production Manager Neil Ive

Photography Tim Richardson Diana Frangi Design Rob Burdick Anand Day Peter Knight Steve Sawyer Staff Writer Dani Winch Clubs Writer Jaime Pettit Books Writer John O‘Donoghue

Advertising Director Lynne Edwards Advertising Manager Marie Viviani Advertising Executive Rachel Bryant Administration Claire Peerless Latest Homes Unit 1, Level 5 North New England House New England Street Brighton BN1 4GH

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Finally it‘s nearly here again – not only summer, it seems, but also the most interesting time of year in Brighton and Hove – the festival period, when the whole city goes crazy for the arts with hundreds of shows from free street theatre to huge indoor performances. Much of the magic is brought to the city by Brighton Festival Fringe, which launched its line-up last week. We‘ve all got our heads buried in the programme trying to pick out as many events as we can feasibly attend while still managing to get on with essential stuff, like eating and sleeping. For a taster of the programme, see our cover feature on page 13. New this year will be the Sundown Show Bar next to St Peter‘s Church, from the lovely people at Beachdown Festival. Find out more in our Latest Gay section (p32). Also in Latest Gay you can read about what it was like when Zoe Lyons, one of Brighton’s most celebrated comedians, was invited to a party thrown by Gordon Brown at 10 Downing Street to celebrate the history of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people in the UK. Speaking of politicians, is it ever acceptable (or effective) to douse them with custard? Dani believes sometimes it‘s the only way to get things done (p7). Anyone who thinks the Duke of York’s is just a cinema probably hasn‘t been there. The Preston Circus movie theatre has already branched out into live comedy, screening children’s TV shows and of course hosts special events like the annual Eurovision party. Now it is going to be screening live drama from the National Theatre, starting with Phedre with Helen Mirren. Find out more on the stage page (p23). Showing now at the Duke of York’s is Il Divo; to mark the release of the film the cinema is offering Latest readers the opportunity to win Italian lessons, an Italian meal, other goodies and cinema tickets. Find out how to enter on the film page, where Il Divo director Paolo Sorrentino talks about the film (p25). Of course that’s not our only competition this week. Among others, we have the chance to win one of six Poopods to make walking your dog a far more pleasant task! I know it’s not glamorous but it’s very practical... Find out more in our pampering pets feature (p12). Now, there’s my marker pen, where was that fringe programme...? Rachel Pegg Latest 7 Editor

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3/20/09

11:14 AM

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8pm £5/£4 wed mar 25

bernice macdonald album launch party + guests west coast influenced, gorgeous folk 8pm free

latest showcase the best talents in live music + an open mic slot 8pm £2

gay tango workshop tango lessons for all 7.30pm £10

thurs mar 26

artrocker club brighton lord auch + o.children + lyrebirds alternative post punk 8pm £5

fri mar 27

we got soul with the

laura vane band + late night djs a modern day, honey-over-sandpaper janis joplin who has worked with the best 8pm £6/£5

ska toons a rocking collision of ska, funk & jazz, where prince buster meets duke ellington 8pm £5

sat mar 28

nick harper a virtuoso guitarist, a folk troubadour, a humorous storyteller, an acoustic balladeer two shows: 7pm + 9.30pm £12/£10

sun mar 29

adam davis & his band almost illegally-talented 13year old world renowned churchill square busker 6pm til 8pm £6

roast n jazz with sam chara - the songs of edith piaf 12.30pm till 3.30pm £10 including lunch

mon mar 30

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005_LS416_Seann/Xword

3/20/09

11:06 AM

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SEANN’S WORLD | XWORD 05

Seann

Seann Walsh finds Brighton small. Especially when trying to avoid those you despise

Small world righton is a small place, prime for bumping into people. And in Brighton, right now, as I type, as you read, is the worst person I have ever met. His name is Tez. We went to college together. Language, communicative though it may be, is too limited for the represention of the extent of my hatred for this man. It’s a hatred that burns, buzzes and rattles with energy. It is The Hatred: capital ‘t’, capital ‘h’; this hatred is a proper noun. This hatred, sorry, Hatred, is not permissible in Scrabble. When I see him, The Hatred wakes up and commands all my attention, like a caffeineriddled child with ADHD, demanding the numbing Ritalin of thinly veiled personal insults and deep, deep breaths. He very much belongs to a type. He went to Steiner School; he carries around a harmonica that he can’t play; he’s into acting, displaying more enthusiasm than actual talent; he flicks his flowing hair and plays with his bead jewellery; he is effortlessly handsome. His

parents are the sort of people who think bare feet look good; the sort of people who name their progeny after Aztec gods; the sort of people who say things like, “I feel a bit glum today. I’ve eaten too much wheat.” He hasn’t rebelled against them. He’s one of those people who make the phrase ‘dress sense’ seem oxymoronic, wearing any combination of ponchos, sandals, headbands, sunglasses, cowboystyle boots, various strange hats, and any form of indeterminate ‘ethnic’ clothing. Sartorially, he is a complex assembly of mutually unsuitable affectations, giving the impression that he is dressed by a group of blindfolded people, who put on one item each, and

“His parents are the sort who say, ‘I feel a bit glum today. I’ve eaten too much wheat’”

are banned from telling each other what they’ve chosen. He stalks the North Laine. And such is the sadism of fate and the cruelty of coincidence that I always bump into him. And I hate him. I hate his guts. I literally hate his guts. I hate his internal organs for the role they play in his respiratory continuity. Last week I was having a coffee with a friend on Sydney Street. It guarantees stress-free pleasure. Or so I thought. I saw Tez walking in my direction before he saw me. I panicked.

I had to avoid him. As he drew closer, my options shrunk: it was too late to run inside; it was too late to run away. It wasn’t enough to pretend to play with my phone: he is not someone for whom the absence of eye contact justifies walking on by. Sighting someone he knows, he will bound over to discuss Tibetan monastic practice, or travelling to Australia, with a curious contrast of reverence and ignorance. Paralysed by dread and indecision, I acted without thought. I can now empathise with the beautiful girl in the horror films who runs up the stairs. What I did, was stand up, turn round and face the café’s window, wherein there was a small but healthy cactus. I suppose the panicked reasoning behind this was that I don’t have a recognisable back. Whatever it was, it was ill-founded. “If you stare at a cactus for long enough, I appear…” he whispered to my apparently conspicuous back, like some sort of New Age Candy Man. As he regaled me with tales of his travels, I nodded, smiled and looked at the cactus, wondering how long I’d need to stare at it before it flew at high speed into his pretty face.

latestcrossword Cryptic 186

solutions on page 30

Quick 186

ACROSS

DOWN

ACROSS

1 Read about horsey in a shabby way (6) 4 Institute building that's desired (6) 9 Bring top plate into play so it takes up ink (8-5) 10 Soft fish drifting back to unconsciousness (5) 11 Parasites in vegetable shell must be controlled (7) 12 Indian bird noise cut short (5) 13 Spontaneous opening of the game (5) 18 Tune quality partly disproportionate (7) 20 Bounder, an alien serviceman (5) 21 When rain causes impulsiveness (13) 22 Sport hut needs to be hurried (6) 23 Save Sappers with one-shilling stick (6)

1 Sturdy vehicle about to decompose (6) 2 Grossest queen making bizarre appearance (13) 3 Morbid displacement of a poetic composition (7) 5 Scamp joins the Spanish force (5) 6 He's never felt better! (13) 7 Mock journey from middle of Rio de Janeiro (6) 8 Shoot the bird (5) 14 Parcel found when dogs get old (7) 15 The last reason for Tommy to sing? (6) 16 Killed by twisted nails (5) 17 Position of man with creative ends (6) 19 A French item of clothing roughly put together (5)

1 Ornament (6) 4 Escaped romantically (6) 9 Crime (13) 10 Synthetic fibre (5) 11 Plant type (7) 12 Love (5) 13 Make exultant (5) 18 Tread roughly (7) 20 Drill (5) 21 Description of climates (13) 22 Pottery box (6) 23 Cut thinly (6)

DOWN 1 Following (6) 2 Duplicity (6-7) 3 Domestic (7) 5 Acquire knowledge (5) 6 Benevolent (13) 7 Synopsis (6) 8 Basic food (5) 14 Broad-minded (7) 15 Adheres (6) 16 Poison (5) 17 Made supplication (6) 19 Dinner piece (5)

006_LS416_Diary/Comps

3/20/09

12:18 PM

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06 LATEST DIARY Catherine Quinn, Sue Quinn (The Writing Company)

In it to Latest diary win it Tim Richardson ▲

Orchestra Baobab tickets Orchestra Baobab is coming to the Brighton Dome Concert Hall on Friday 3 April (8pm) and we have a pair of tickets, plus a CD to give away to one, lucky reader. Two runners-up will also receive a copy of the CD. This is your chance to see one of Africa’s great iconic bands, founded in 1970, as they blend afro-Cuban rhythm and Portuguese Creole melody with Congolese rumba. A feel-good music night not to miss! To enter, tell us: When were Orchestra Baobab founded? See below for entry details.

▲

Body of Lies DVD Leonardo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe star in this action thriller from director Ridley Scott. DiCaprio stars as an undercover CIA agent working in the Middle East to bring down an Al Queda cell. Set in a world where survival means trusting no one and deceiving everyone, this is a tense thriller that will have you on the edge of your seat. To be in with a chance of winning one of three copies tell us: Which 2008 film saw Leonardo DiCaprio reunited on screen with his Titanic co-star Kate Winslet? See below for entry details. Entrants must be aged 15 or over.

To win, email:

competitions@thelatest.co.uk with the name of the prize you wish to win in the subject box and your answer to the question in the body of the email. Don’t forget to leave your name, address and telephone number. Alternatively, write to us at the address at the front of the magazine. Closing date for entries: Tuesday 31 March

gets creative and has a fine time at a birthday celebration

Creative launch On Thursday 5 March 2009, champagne and creative juices were flowing at myhotel in Brighton at the launch of Mayo Wynne Baxter’s ‘Media and Creative Industries’ specialist legal team. Over 50 of Sussex’s most influential people in the creative industries attended the evening reception, including representatives from broadcast, theatre, arts, film and music. Mayo Wynne Baxter has launched the specialist division to help protect and promote intellectual property (IP) in the Sussex region. The launch event was attended by Peter Lane from the Sussex Innovation Centre. Peter said: “Sussex is brimming with innovation and creativity, which should be acknowledged, celebrated and wholly supported. Right owners and creators can be misguided or exploited as they build their

businesses and ideas, and need sound legal guidance from experts, such as this new creative industries team.” Mayo Wynne Baxter’s MACI team is formed of six specialists, with extensive expertise in intellectual property, dispute resolution and commercial matters, and will be operating from the firm’s Brighton, Eastbourne and Lewes offices. Visit mayowynnebaxter.co.uk

Laura Winter, Lara Squires (Mayo Wynne Baxter)

David Jemmett (Parker Partnership) Alan Holmes (Baker Tilly) Gean Orgill (Mayo Wynne Baxter)

Pat Piper, Helene Buck

Birthday boy The Latest Music Bar was the chosen venue for Ian Jury's 30th birthday on the 28 February. A red and gold, stiletto theme was hosted by the Big Wigs and accompanied by cabaret from Pat Piper and Helene Buck. Red and white wine flowed whilst a delicious buffet was available to Dotty (The Big Wigs), guests. Mercedes and the Dirty Armando, Kevina Rebels opened the dance floor DJ'd (The Big Wigs) by Craig Woodrow and later in the night there was a guest appearance from Ms Tina Turner singing ‘A Fool in Love’. Thanks to Angi and her team for a fabulous evening.

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3/19/09

11:06 AM

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DEFINITELY DANI 07

Dani ou would have had to have been on another planet to have missed the green custard being thrown in the face of Lord Mandelson. About a week or so after it happened I found myself in a situation where the only source of entertainment I had was a talk radio show. The subject matter being discussed was Leila Deen and her custard throwing antics. The people who phoned in all had valid opinions and all made sense. But the one caller that really made my ears prick up was a woman. She called in response to someone else who had earlier said that protesting should only be allowed in the form of peaceful protests. The woman made the point that peaceful protests may be the calmer, less confrontational way to protest something but nine times out of 10 they will never get you anywhere. Sometimes you have to throw a little custard to get your message heard. You rarely hear of any peaceful protests, a few people

Dani thinks direct action is the way to get your point across and loves air freshener adverts

sitting neatly in a field with a few banners just isn’t as news worthy as green custard. This doesn’t mean to say I condone throwing anything at anyone. But I understand that sometimes you really have to shout to be heard, especially when it comes to environmental issues. It seems that for every recycling box that is collected, another airport adds a runway. A couple of years ago there were some plans to build a few wind turbines. A national newspaper made this its headline, writing something along the lines of: ‘Do you want these eye sores on your doorstep?‘ At that point it became clear to me that anyone with any vehicle for their voice will have something bad to say about any environmental issue. Surely the bigger picture would have been more important, surely many of us would personally erect a wind turbine in our back garden if it meant our grandchildren will have some form of something to power their lives.

Funny smell Does anyone else find air freshener the adverts as amusing as me? Probably not as my sense of humour is a little odd. There are three air freshener adverts that get me giggling. First off, there was that one with the random smell of fish hovering around the TV family’s house, then there is the advert for an air freshener advertising the new scents a couple of which were, ‘fresh clean bath towels‘ and ‘warm cosy jumper‘, and the newest advert for a freshener with three flavours including the wonderful scent of ‘open windows‘. I would love a job naming air fresheners. Small fluffy kitten scent anyone?

“Sometimes you have to throw a little custard to get your message heard”

I did feel a little sorry for Lord Mandelson, but on the other hand I can sympathise with how frustrated Leila Deen must have been to have done something as strange as throw green custard at someone. It’s just a shame that the incident didn’t actually highlight what she was protesting (the planned new runway at Heathrow airport), it just highlighted a lack in security around politicians. If there was a way of actually having your voice heard, or if, even once in a blue moon, someone took note of the peaceful protests and it actually made a difference, maybe we could all put our custard and food colouring away.

Comments? Get in touch: dani@thelatest.co.uk

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008_LS416_will/alison

3/19/09

3:17 PM

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CITY SPEAK

Alison o whose bright idea was this? Oh yeah… mine. Do I have to? It’s cold! No! These were thoughts that poked my brain as I faced the psychological assault course that would extract me from the warmth of a Sunday morning slumber into the first morning of training. Sunday morning for me is usually spent daring my toe to jump out of bed and wondering if I have enough energy to stumble into the kitchen and make coffee without further personal injury to an already damaged self. As with much of my life, preparation started in the pub. The previous night I had met one of my more organised friends for a Saturday night stumble round Hanover. It was at about the third pub when I broke the ‘exciting‘ news of me doing the London to Brighton cycle ride in June. And, after rather a lot of beer and vodka, I bullied said friend into joining my ‘team’. He was remarkably malleable and I soon realised why. It was the opportunity he had been waiting for – to bully me. I was cornered. ‘If we are going to do this then we have to train‘. Damn! And several other expletives, which won’t make it into this column.

Alison Swann is bullied into facing the reality of getting fit

Will

www.justgiving.com/alisonswann2

Will Harris returns from the dark side – a night in a squat

hen last we spoke, I was standing on the upstairs landing of the squat where my friend Kay is currently staying, stealing myself for a night without basic amenities, my eyes peeled for a rat that was reputed to live somewhere in the building. Kay takes my hand and leads me onwards, up the creaking stairs, to the top-most floor. “I feel like the heroine in a Hammer Horror film,” I hiss, searching for movements in every shadow. “What if we run into the Baron’s lunatic first wife?” “Doubtful,” says Kay. “You can’t leave anything lying around here. The boys would probably try to smoke her.” Over the coming hours, I find myself thinking about what it would be like to live like this permanently; sneaking around, starting at every strange sound, not sure if that noise downstairs is one of your ‘flatmates’ coming home drunk or a bailiff’s boot coming through the door. As far as I can tell, the good things about living in a squat are as follows: you don’t have to pay rent and you don’t have to pay rates. And the bad things? My scream cuts through the silence of the old building at dawn.“Are you ok?” Kay’s

“Me and Sunday morning were having our first date. He’d been trying to seduce me for ages”

So, Sunday morning, after assuring my eyes that yes, despite the shattered glass shaking in the backdoor of my brain, induced by an excessive consumption of vodka, we were getting up… and going out. Within an hour there was a revelation. All those years spent in bed sleeping it off have been a complete waste of time. One cup of hardcore coffee and a bacon sandwich later and I was leading the pack down to the seafront, racing along to the Marina and up to Rottingdean along the undercliff path. This getting out and moving your body around isn’t that bad! Brighton was balmed in sunshine, it was as if me and Sunday morning were having our first date. He’d been trying to seduce me for ages and there I was looking up and thinking, actually I should have made more effort, you’re not so bad after all. Hell, we might even give this a go, let’s get married! Soon we’d done 12 miles and hadn’t had to call out a crash team, I reckon 54 miles is going to be a doddle. Yeah, right… If you feel like sponsoring me, please do visit the link below. All money raised goes to the British Heart Foundation.

“They say beggars can’t be choosers, but it strikes me that squatters can’t either”

voice is muffled by the bathroom door. “Oh God, is it the rat?” She falls silent as the door creaks open. Steam flows into the corridor outside, and from the middle of it rises my face, like the devil, angry and red. Actually, I’d probably look quite scary if it weren’t for the zebraprint towel wrapped round my waist. “You said you were connected to the water main,” I seethe. “You didn’t say boiling water only!” I suppose that’s the downside of the squatter’s life. All those little things we take for granted – like not being brought to a boil every time we want to take a shower – have to be surrendered when you give up paying to live somewhere. They say beggars can’t be choosers, but it strikes me that squatters can’t either. After all, who do they call when a window breaks, or the toilet backs up? Rent-busters? Dyno-squat? Their dealer? I’ll admit I find it disheartening when my rent vanishes from my account each month, this huge chunk of my earnings apparently evaporating into the ether. But would I swap it all for draughty doors and scalding showers, for leaking ceilings and the twittering of rats? For me, rent – however high – is a small price to pay.

For comments and chit chat email: letters@thelatest.co.uk

009_LS416_celebcity

3/19/09

12:53 PM

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AROUND TOWN 09

LATEST NEWS 15

L7NEWS

News Phil Mills reports on a money-saving wedding and TV’s favourite meerkat

Price of love Brighton couple saved hundreds of pounds on their wedding by holding it 3,400 miles away in New York. Americans Samantha Hernandez and Dennis Groves have been living in the city for the past nine months and were shocked when they discovered that the Home Office wanted to charge them £590 for certificates giving them permission to marry in this country. They investigated further and found other extra costs that they wouldn’t incur if they were back in the USA. In fact, when they totted up the costs of a holding a wedding on either side of the Atlantic, they discovered they could save upwards of £800 by making the 7,000-mile round trip to New York for the ceremony. The 25-year-old graphic designer and her husband, a 39-year-old project manager for Microsoft, hadn’t planned such a long-distance service but the costs just went up and up: On top of the Home Office certificates, there was £60 to give notice to the registrar; £43.50 for the wedding certificate; and £1,100 to hold the ceremony in the unlicensed Julie-Anne Gilburt art gallery on Brighton seafront where Samantha works. She said: “At first, we thought about bringing the cost down with a cheaper venue but we felt we were being ripped off because the bulk of our money was still going to the Home Office just for permission to marry. “We investigated and discovered that flying to New York was cheaper, plus we would be having a three-day trip to a beautiful city that we’ve never been to before.” The New York option costs were:

Two Air India flight tickets – total £597.88, marriage license – £25, ceremony – £18, one night’s stay in an hotel – £281, and transport to and from airport – £32. The total came to £953.88, £800 cheaper than their UK wedding. The couple, who met three years ago while they were studying in Phoenix, Arizona, married in New York – with Dennis wearing a kilt denoting his English/Scottish heritage – in front of two strangers who volunteered to be witnesses. They flew back the next day and three days later they held their reception at Samantha’s dream venue, the gallery on Brighton seafront. The event was followed by a surprise champagne night at a luxury hotel, paid for by friends. Samantha said: “The travelling was tiring but it was well worth it. It saved us lots of money – and it was so romantic.”

“They discovered they could save £800 upwards by making the 7,000mile round trip”

Celebrity meerkat A cheeky meerkat is taking over as Britain’s favourite TV animal – and drawing crowds at a Sussex zoo. Aleksandr Orlov, the Russian ‘sophisticat’ who advertises an insurance market comparison website, now has almost 270,000 fans on the social networking site Facebook. Zoos say the commercials have attracted thousands more visitors to see the small mammals in their dens and one, Drusillas at Alfriston near Eastbourne, has named a new baby meerkat after Aleks. Laurence Smith, the zoo’s managing director, said: “We’ve noticed an increase in our meerkats’ popularity and some of the visitors are going about singing the jingle as they watch the meerkats. “It seems Aleks has become a cult figure and, I must admit, I think it’s really funny.” Aleks, an aristocratic furry creature in a velvet smoking jacket

who stands on a stool in front of the fire in a baronial hall, was launched in January by London advertising agency VCCP. Sarah Adamson, the agency’s marketing manager, said: “His Facebook entry had 3,000 friends in the first three days and he now has a fan site with more than 265,000 subscribers. “He has 7,500 followers on the networking site Twitter and he has received numerous proposals of marriage. “We are looking into the idea of a cuddly toy version – he really has become a star.”

016_LS416_Letters/Sport

3/19/09

1:22 PM

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16 LETTERS | SPORT

Latest Sport Roundups and rumblings from the Latest Sport bunker

Grand finale Latest Sport anticipates victories in the rugby and women’s cricket finals

Red Nose Day thanks Dear Latest, Would you be so kind as to let me use your magazine to say a very big thank you to all my colleagues who entered into the spirit of Red Nose Day last Friday. My respect and gratitude goes to all the contact centre managers who went about their business dressed up in clown costumes or, I seem to remember, a St Trinian’s schoolgirl! My thanks also go to Howard Doney for organising the whole event and to Harvey’s of Hove who gave over their entire 12,000 costumes for us to choose from. But my best thanks go to each and every member of our eight campaign teams who, through their incredible generosity, ensured that a total of well over £400 is being sent to Comic Relief and that every single manager here has now realised his or her worst nightmare – thank you! Ben Dale-Gough Site operations manager, Domestic and General’s Inkfish call centre.

LATEST

LETTERS

Kapoor show

This has to be the worst festival cover ever. I thought it was a pile of vinegary shaved beetroot scattered over an old Brighton postcard, not an ‘image’ by the rather wonderful Anish Kapoor. It’s completely irrelevant and actually rather ugly. Joy Flowers

Send your letters or comments to: letters@thelatest.co.uk You can also send to: Letters, Latest Homes Ltd, Unit 1, Level 5 North, New England House, New England Street, Brighton BN1 4GH

“It’s amazing to be in a World Cup final, something England have not achieved for 16 years” On the other side of the globe England’s women cricket team has grabbed the attention of the international media recently following their impressive run into the final of the ICC Womens’ World Cup in Australia. A big part of this success can be credited to the role Sussex quartet Sarah Taylor, Caroline Atkins, Laura Marsh and Holly Colvin play. Left-arm spinner Colvin said: “It’s amazing to be in a World Cup final – something that England Women have not achieved for 16 years. It’s an exciting time for the sport and an exciting time in particular for Sussex cricket.” Hopefully they’ll be celebrating as world champions by the time you read this, having won in the final against New Zealand this Sunday. If you’ve been inspired by this year’s competition and want to get involved in local women’s cricket visit www.sussexcricket.co.uk or http://sussexwomen.play-cricket.com

Photograph: www.sussexcricket.co.uk

It turns out not everyone likes Turner Prize-winner Anish Kapoor‘s design for the front cover of the Brighton Festival Brochure, which means it has achieved its aim – it‘s got people talking. One reader left this comment on our website www.thelatest.co.uk/7.

ell, by the time you read this the Irish rugby team may well have won their first Grand Slam since 1948 and the second only time in the history of the competition. Their start out of the blocks adding up the points early on in this year’s Six Nations tournament most certainly gave them the momentum, but the defending champions, Wales, won’t have given them an easy ride in Cardiff, that’s for sure. What is certain is that a team has risen to challenge the current dominance of Wales and the fact that whoever has won, they will have earnt their prize. This year’s competition has benefited from the climatic head-to head final that seemed inevitable, particularly as the other teams only looked like rebuilding their squads at the current time. France could have come close but their erratic form proves they’re still a long way from the quality of the team that powered their way through games only a few years ago. England‘s gradual improvement is duly noted and their victory over France the other weekend was evidence of a side strengthened by the developing spirit of teamwork and of finally tightening up their poor record of discipline. Risking youth and attacking adventure over experience could now lay the foundations of a long term plan for Martin Johnson’s team.

017_LS416_food

3/19/09

3:21 PM

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ANDREW KAY’S FOOD & DRINK 17

Food & drink Andrew Kay heads west to graze at The Meadow in Palmeira Square, Hove

Grass roots slapped wrist for me for not heading down to Palmeira Square to try The Meadow sooner. I should have dashed down the minute food writer and friend Laura Lockington told me to go. After all, for one of the best makers of Sunday lunch to declare The Meadow’s worth eating it has to be good. So I called Mr L to see if he was in the mood for supper. He was in need of cheering up so dinner out seemed just the ticket. The Meadow occupies a converted bank that for years had looked half closed. Now the owners have done something to relieve the cavernous banking hall feel by carving up the space with screens and a raised area. It works well and what was once dark and gloomy is now light and airy with a gentle non-confrontational style. The emphasis at The Meadow is local and seasonal. Oh I know, the emphasis everywhere is local and seasonal, even if it is not. There are places that count local as picking it up in a local store. But not here, no. They really are passionate, almost evangelical, about it and it shows at every stage in the menu. Presented with the a la carte and a set price option I, of course, took the difficult route of choosing from both. Before our meal the chef sent out some home-cured ham. I have to say that over the years I have tasted some pretty rancid home-cured hams in the UK, but this was very good. I told him this when we met later and he admitted that he had a few disasters before he hit the right cure. I moved on to a steak tartare, which declared the breed of the beast. I like that and I liked the dish too. Condiments were provided but not needed as the chef had got the seasoning just right. I did like the classic presentation though – of an egg yolk in a little hollow. I also had polenta chips that had me gibbering with delight – I could eat far too may of them. Mr L chose a crab risotto that was more than generously full of crab and put a smile on his face; he continued with sea bass topped with deep-fried oysters. This was clearly serious stuff, beautifully prepared and presented; piping hot too – I am getting cranky about the temperature of restaurant food, which is all too often tepid.

“I liked The Meadow lots and feel rather stupid for having not gone along sooner”

I stuck with beef, this time braised ox cheek from the set price menu. I like my odd cuts of meat – never one for fillet when there is offal on offer – and this cheek was as tender as a feather cushion and as tasty as Beethoven symphony. It also passed the stick your fingers together test brilliantly. On the side an order of curly kale with cream and Parmesan was a stunning mix of hard and soft flavours and textures that I will be duplicating chez Kay. For pud Mr L enjoyed tiny doughnuts with a Camp coffee cream, a fun idea that he thoroughly enjoyed. I had rhubarb Eton mess, deliciously sour and sweet – despite the meringue being a little flat. The Meadow has a small shop in the doorway selling local produce and things made in the restaurant kitchen, jam, pickles, bread and pies among them. Produce from the chef’s parents garden has been affected by the bad weather for now but they often appear on the menu and the shop is fast becoming popular with locals. I liked The Meadow lots and feel rather stupid for having not gone along sooner. The Meadow, 64 Western Road, Hove, East Sussex, BN3 2JQ. Call 01273 721182

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18 HOT LIST the best seasonal, local produce and locally-caught fish. Food is unpretentious modern British, by top chef David Edward, who has worked with chefs like Gordon Ramsay. The restaurant is family-friendly. Head to the Seattle Bar for coffee, afternoon tea, cocktails or a night cap. It’s near Seattle Hotel – or spend £75 in the restaurant on Sunday night, and you stay over for free! Brighton Marina, Brighton. Call 01273 679799, www.hotelseattlebrighton.com

latest hot

LIST RESTAURANTS & BARS

Restaurants British and modern European Bardsley’s Probably Brighton’s most popular fish and chip shop and restaurant with a large loyal clientele. Traditional and family-run with all your favourites and excellent daily fish specials. Open for lunch and dinner Tuesday to Saturday, it’s also a great party venue. There are massive fish platters and good seasonal seafood. Fish can be fried, grilled or poached, plus there are vegetarian choices. 22–23a Baker Street, Brighton, 01273 681256.

Birdcage Walk The place to relax, eat good, fresh food and enjoy a drink: latte, glass of wine or a beer. A grown-up bistro with a laid back atmosphere, where you can enjoy a night out without having to shout above music and a place to nurse your hangover with a big breakfast or Sunday lunch. Head chef Toby Humphreys (ex Gingerman) has designed a modern European menu – with a menu change every six weeks enabling an up-to-date selection of seasonal dishes. 300 Ditchling Rd, Fiveways, Brighton, BN1 6JG, 01273 561757

Chimney House Recently opened with a stylish and cosy new interior and excellent modern British food, this family pub offers some of the best fresh, seasonal, home-cooked food in the city at great value. A wholesome and hearty menu, includes locally-caught fish and other Sussex produce. Pop in for a bowl of soup and glass of wine at lunchtime or a hearty three-course dinner. 28 Upper Hamilton Road, Seven Dials, Brighton, BN1 5DF, 01273 556708 www.chimneyhousebrighton.co.uk

The Coach House Friendly restaurant bar in the city centre serving an excellent range of home-cooked food, separate evening and lunch menus, and Sunday roasts. Great mussels, steaks, soups and a good wine list. In the winter, a central open fire roars. In summer, soak up the sun on the pretty terrace. The warm atmosphere and good value pricing make this a popular local haunt. 59 Middle Street, Brighton, 01273 719000, www.coachhousebrighton.com

Seattle Restaurant This breathtaking restaurant, upstairs at Seattle Hotel, has great views and

Preston Park Tavern A bright, cheerful and welcoming food pub in Fiveways offering a gastronomic experience in a relaxed atmosphere. Locals and foodies mix in this family-friendly pub – a hidden gem, which has remained busy through word of mouth. The daily changing menu, using delicious local, seasonal produce, is complemented by an impressive and good value wine list, all available by the glass or bottle, and good Sussex beers. 88 Havelock Road, Brighton, BN1 6GF. 01273 542271 www.prestonparktavern.co.uk

Sevendials Restaurant A smart restaurant serving excellent food and a sensible variety of menus in chic surroundings. From a simple lunch to a full à la carte dinner. Cooking reflects the seasons rather than fashion and quality is paramount, with great locally caught fish, game and desserts, and a wine list full of affordable treats. Use the terrace when the weather is warm or the dining room for a treat. 1 Buckingham Place, Brighton, 01273 885555 www.sevendialsrestaurant.co.uk

Sam’s of Brighton Sam’s offers a more relaxed dining experience. The dishes served are classic yet creative, with a focus on seasonal ingredients. Examples are natural smoked haddock and salmon fish pie with a free-range poached egg or chargrilled Scotch rib-eye steak with proper chips, plum tomato and house butter. 1 Paston Place, Brighton, 01273 676222, www.samsofbrighton.co.uk

Chinese Gars Restaurant Stunningly refurbished, this old Brighton favourite has attained a new lease of life. An exciting menu with some great new ideas and a wholly different experience in terms of style The Arrogant Frog

and presentation. Smart service, beautiful interiors and a truly chic atmosphere make this one of the city’s top places to be seen. Start downstairs at the bar before rising to the upper dining room and enjoy the glamour of it all. Eat from £10. 19 Prince Albert Street, Brighton 01273 321321, www.gars.co.uk

French The Arrogant Frog Early Frog is available Tuesday to Friday at £20/13.95 between noon and 1pm. In the evening, buy one dish from the á la carte menu, get 50 per cent off the second main course (Tuesday to Thursday). Plat du jour at £7.95/9.95. Enjoy a lunchtime bowl of homemade soup with French bread for only £4.95. Gourmet evening on the third Thursday of every month, £49.50 including service for six courses and six glasses of wine. 119 Church Road, Hove, 01273 721488, www.thearrogantfrog.com

Cocoa French patisserie on Queen’s Road. Everything is prepared each morning on the premises by their French gourmet pastry chef. Front of house serves coffee, cinnamon hot chocolate or homemade lime ice tea, amongst others. Seating by a mural of the roofs of Paris is relaxing and bohemian. A recent French visitor said: ”The best croissant in Brighton, better than any I found in Paris!” 48 Queen’s Road, Brighton, 01273 777412

New Steine Bistro Cosy French bistro with regular art exhibitions, creating the perfect setting for the appreciation of traditional homemade French cuisine. A hidden gem and very reasonable too! Daily evening menu of twocourses £10.50, three-courses £12.50 on weekdays, and two-courses £14.50, three courses £16.50 on Friday and Saturday. À la carte menu Tuesday to Saturday 6–10pm. 10-11 New Steine, Brighton, 01273 681546 or 695415

L’Église Traditional French restaurant offering classic cuisine for contemporary tastes. A la carte menu Tuesday to Sunday with daily specials. Locally sourced produce including freshly caught fish of the day and an AngloFrench cheeseboard. Enjoy the southfacing terrace with the two-course lunch menu, Tuesday–Saturday, 12–5pm at £11.95 or relax on a Sunday with a delicious French Sunday roast. 196 Church Road, Hove, 01273 220868 www.legliserestaurant.co.uk, info@legliserestaurant.co.uk

Indian Chaula’s This place is unlike other Indian restaurants – Chaula’s is renowned for its signature dishes, distinctive décor and friendly staff. All meals are made fresh to order and every curry has its own distinctively flavoured sauce. Also a wide variety of vegetarian,

To have an entry in the latest hot list call Marie on 01273 818150

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HOT LIST 19 vegan and gluten and wheat-free dishes. Buffet available 11am–3pm Mon–Sat, and a ‘light bites’ menu. Eastgate House, 6 Eastgate street, Lewes, BN7 2LP, 01273 476707, www.chaulas.co.uk

The Chilli Pickle Indian bistro serving stunning food. Relaxed with an informal feel, the emphasis is authentic Indian and Nepalese dishes using local and organic produce. Daytime menu offers Indian street food, Thalis and Masala Dosa, a selection of beautiful loose teas and cakes and sweetmeats. For dinner feast on a Spiced Tandoor Baked Shoulder of Lamb, Moilly Seafood Pot or Duck Egg Masala. 42 Meeting House Lane, 01273 323824 www.thechillipicklebistro.co.uk

Italian Donatello Flagship venue of this local familyrun business serving excellent value Italian food in stylish and spotless surroundings. There are brilliantvalue meal deals on blackboards outside – two courses £6.95, three £8.95 – as well as à la carte. The haunt of celebs in season from soap stars to politicos. Fun, friendly and fabulous value. Brighton Place, Brighton, 01273 775477, www.donatello.co.uk

Fat Leo The budget branch of the Donatello stable but you’d be hard-pressed to

see why. Quality family dining in the Italian mould but a little less expensive. Popular with students and young families, Fat Leo has trendy interiors, including the toilets, and a menu which is utterly affordable with the signature set-price boards proclaiming any two courses £5.95, any three courses £7.95. 16-17 Market Street, Brighton, 01273 325135

Thai Sabai Filled with stylish Thai furnishings, Sabai transports you to the beach bars of Samui and the restaurants of Bangkok. Browse the extensive menu of unique dishes, sample a cocktail or a bottle of wine from the comprehensive wine list. Thai food made with fresh, authentic ingredients – grown by the family of the restaurant’s owners. Enjoy – :“Sanuk” 165-169 Princes House, Princes Place North St, Brighton, 01273 773030, www.sabai.uk.com, bookings@sabai.uk.com

Coffee shops Spinelli Coffee Spinelli Coffee combines the best of modern Italian café culture with great-tasting, high-quality specialty coffee and mouth-watering pastries and savouries, the ultimate ‘coffee experience’. Beautiful oak sliding doors look onto a heated outdoor

seating area with sea views, with free Wi-Fi or just relax. In Kemp Town Village, just off St George’s Road and College Road. Spinelli Coffee, 24 Garnet House, College Road, Brighton, 01273 818819

Moksha Caffe Brighton Moksha is Brighton’s ultimate independent café, with their own blend of locally roasted coffee made by highly trained baristas. An excellent range of homemade cakes and sandwiches all made on site with favourites like battenburg, quiches and gluten-free options. Spacious interior and works of local artists. Child friendly, with disabled access and free WIFI. Free live music or comedy every Saturday night. Moksha Caffe, 4-5 York Place, 01273 248890

Bars Koba Bar and Club Koba hosts a happy hour in the front bar between 5-7pm all week. With three bars over three floors and a dedicated team of mixologists, this venue stands as a flagship of quality and has been nominated in the top ten bars/clubs in the UK by The Independent. Good beers, a sensible wine list, and of course, champagne for special occasions (or just for the love of it). The perfect venue for a private party or an atmospheric night out. Koba, 135 Western Road, Brighton. 01273 720059

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20 HEALTH & BEAUTY

Don’t miss out on this fantastic offer at Beautique Brighton... Sick of hearing the words “credit crunch”? Well Beautique Brighton want to give you the opportunity to still pamper yourself and look fantastic. We have put together a series of great

half price sales for you to take advantage of between now and the end of July for 2009.

Half price sale on all facials & waxing Valid 24 March – 24 April

Half price sale on all body treatments and massage Valid 26 April – 25 May

Half price sale on Oxyjet face & body treatments & St Tropez tans Valid 26 May – 26 June

Half price sale on all facials & St Tropez tans Valid 27 June – 2 July

These are definitely dates to remember! Beautique Brighton 14 Ship Street Brighton BN1 1AD 01273 711077

Eyes right Zara Baker finds eye care at David Clulow can tell a lot about your health visit to an optician is not just about reading letters off a chart. It’s a combined experience of many different tests that not only help correct your vision, but maintain good eye health too. Early signs of disease such as glaucoma or diabetes can be spotted. As a contact lens and glasses wearer, I spend time in the optician’s chair regularly every six months. It is when I meet James Morgan, owner and optometrist at David Clulow Opticians in Brighton, that I see the optometrist’s point of view. The team at David Clulow in Brighton has a combined 40 years’ experience. This puts them in a great position to offer advice not only relating to the latest designer frames but also from a prescription angle. As James points out, glasses are ultimately a medical device. There is a fashion element too, but the team are there to help you find the best glasses for optimum eye care. “We go to a lot of lengths and due consideration to help customers choose glasses,” he says. “It’s not just which ones look best: we pay due consideration to the lenses to help them fit right and look right.” Frames suit certain face shapes and differing prescriptions will fit frames differently. James Morgan and his team will ensure the best look and best fit is made. From a health aspect, continuity is important. James sees the first eye test with a new patient as a learning process. When clients return, there is a personal approach to each individual as he monitors changes in eye health over regular visits. The Digital Fundus camera is a piece of equipment used at David Clulow. With this, a picture is taken of the back of the eye, capturing optic nerves and blood vessels. Diseases such as diabetes, high blood pressure and macular degeneration can be identified. It is with this visual snapshot the optometrist can spot changes and any health problems early on. “As optometrists, we are in such a good position with newer and better equipment, and bigger changes from five years ago even,” James says. “We don’t really see people where it’s been 10 or more years since they’ve had their eyes checked. People know the importance of regular check-ups. Glasses are just one end point. People come to us with their health troubles relating to their eyes, if they have stinging eyes for example, they ask. It’s all part of the exam to have these questions answered.” David Clulow Opticians, 25 East Street, Brighton, 01273 737578, or visit www.davidclulow.com

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LATEST LISTINGS 21

latest listings

YOUR WEEKLY GUIDE TO WHAT’S ON Under review

Here’s our roundup of recent local shows, plus there’s oodles of reviews online at www.thelatest.co.uk explanations of the whys and wherefores behind each gorgeous song brought the set of gentle ballads (and some rock out tracks) to life. Accompanied by a dapper and accomplished musical outfit, Torrini was totally at home in this church venue – the perfect setting for acoustics and mood. Emiliana Torrini equals aural heaven! St George’s Church, 14 March

★★★★✩ Monica Perdoni

Emiliana Torrini Maybe it’s something to do with Icelandic accents but whatever it is, you’re guaranteed a touch of the unique with Torrini. Her honeyed tones wash over you like the warm summer sun. Shut your eyes and you could be lying on the grass looking up, through the trees, at a sparkly sky. Heaps of quirky charm and endearing

24 – 30 MARCH

Alex Horne – Birdwatching Comedy fans were joined by bird watchers, twitchers and robinstrokers for Alex Horne’s show. When his twitcher father was Alex’s age he had just had his first son. Could Alex be a father now? Was he man? Was his masculinity undermined by showering with Radox? He challenged his dad to a one-year bird-spotting contest to find out. Horne was conversational and

very upbeat, frequently chatting with the audience. The show was given real emotional depth through the relationship with his father. But there are also plenty of big laughs, clever ideas and very silly puns. Google "Alex Horne favourite noises.” The Komedia, 4 March

★★★✩✩ Jim Holland Emily Barker & The Red Clay Halo London-based Aussie Emily Barker is an unassuming young folk artist who has enjoyed working with Boo Hewerdine on two albums, The Arlenes, and tours supporting the likes of Frank Turner and José González. With her back-up band of cello, accordion/flute and violin, the sparse string section adds intricate textures and subtle shades to the often haunting guitar led folk and roots-based songs of Barker. An accomplished songwriter, there's a certain stage awkwardness that hinders, and the sound lacks that fullblooded assault that should render songs of such emotional fragility the depth they deserve.

Counting Crows p28

23 Stage Helen Mirren goes from stage to screen

24 Film Italian director Paolo Sorrentino on Il Divo

26 Comedy Going with the flow

26 Art Stanley Donwood’s Printed Papers

Latest Music Bar, 15 March

★★★✩✩ Jeff Hemmings

Hot review of the week Lloyd George Knew My Father William Douglas Home presents English eccentricity at its best as he weaves together themes of political protest, death, anti-war sentiment and religion in this clever comedy. Lady Boothroyd’s dignified stand against a bypass across her field, (“she’s going to do herself in,” as her delightful husband keeps reminding the rest of the family), is a compelling piece of theatre and Edward Fox (who plays ‘batty’ General Sir William Boothroyd brilliantly) with his witty comments and spot-on pauses are comical classics. The idiosyncrasies of old age and a helping of land-grab politics all served up with an aristocratic cuppa: totally spiffing. Theatre Royal, 9 March

★★★★★

Five Kinds Of Silence Challenging material chronicling a family consuming itself as it protects its own. Delivered in the shadow of a dark staircase, director Kirsty Harbron provides a brave and harrowing look of what can go on behind closed doors. When Mary (Sandra Ventris) speaks of some violent act, it’s made more upsetting for the offhand way she talks. Amanda Urwin-Mann and Darren Cockrill effectively kalidiscope through a variety of roles. Sarah Charsley’s eyes were a storyboard of bruised wonderment, and Lyn Fernee was tension and pride. An honest, unfussy performance from Martin Nichols as the ‘loving’ dad was chilling as it was fascinating. New Venture Theatre, 28 February

Monica Perdoni

27 Events & kids The Easter Bunny Trail is on at Borde Hill!

27 Books Inspiration at the Basketmakers

28 Music Nick Harper; news; previews; gigs

31 Clubs Highlights of twilight and beyond

32 Gay News and nights out

34 Television Dani on the box; TV film highlights

★★★✩✩ Andrew Allen

For complete and comprehensive listings go to thelatest.co.uk

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Screen stars Helen Mirren will soon be broadcast live from the National Theatre at the Duke Of York’s Picturehouse ity Screen, the owner and operator of The Duke Of York’s cinema have announced an exciting new initiative with the National Theatre – NT Live – through which cinemagoers up and down the country will have the opportunity, for the first time, to see plays broadcast live via satellite from the National Theatre stages directly to their local Picturehouse Cinema. As well as Picturehouse Cinemas, City Screen will be sublicensing broadcasts to other independent cinemas throughout the UK, and certain key cities will screen the production through Cineworld and Odeon multiplexes.

“If I had been able to see Olivier’s National Theatre at my local cinema, I would have gone all of the time” Nicholas Hytner

accuses her stepson of rape. The result is carnage. This savage play by Jean Racine was translated into verse by the late Poet Laureate, Ted Hughes. City Screen’s Picturehouse Cinemas have had great success in pioneering the programming of live opera, ballet and other events over the last three years, including the first ever live broadcast of ballet from the Royal Opera House, and strong ongoing relationships with cultural partners including New York’s Metropolitan Opera and the San Francisco Opera. Lyn Goleby, managing director of Picturehouse Cinemas said: “I’m delighted that we are lucky enough to partner with the NT in pushing the barriers again with the introduction of this terrific live material. This is such an interesting way to develop the artform and I can’t wait to see the performance in one of our cinemas.“ Duke Of York's Picturehouse Preston Circus, Brighton BN1 4NA. Call 0871 704 2056

The first play to be featured will be the NT’s new production of Phedre by Jean Racine in a version by Ted Hughes starring Helen Mirren, Margaret Tyzack and Dominic Cooper on Thursday 25 June 2009. The performance will be filmed in high definition and broadcast via satellite to approximately 50 cinemas across the UK and 100 worldwide. Tickets for the live broadcast of Phedre to cinemas went on sale to NT and Picturehouse cinema members from Monday 23 March, and to the general public from Wednesday1 April priced at £10 (£9 for members). Consumed by an uncontrollable passion for her young stepson and believing Theseus, her absent husband, to be dead, Phedre confesses her darkest desires and enters the world of nightmare. When Theseus returns alive and well, Phedre, fearing exposure,

Stage listings Tuesday 24 to Monday 6 April

• 24–25 Mar, 7pm, £5 Bourne From the Elements Dance and music with Bourne Primary School based on earth, fire, wind and water. • 2 Apr, 7pm, £5

Brighton Dome

The Capitol, Horsham

Eastbourne: Devonshire Park Theatre

01273 709709 www.brightondome.org Let’s Dance 2009 Dance from Brighton and Hove schools and groups. • 24–26 Mar, 7pm, £7 Dorothy Stringer Dance Show 2009 School dance special. • 27–28 Mar, 7pm, £7 The Crucible By Arthur Miller, presented by ACT productions. • 28–30 Mar, 7.45pm, £8/6.50 Brighton Philharmonic Orchestra Borodin, Rachmaninov, Poulenc, de Falla and Massenet. • 29 Mar, 2.45pm, £8–30. Richard Alston Dance Company Celebrating 40 years at the forefront of contemporary dance. • 21 Mar–1 Apr, 8pm, £6–15. Orchestra Baobab Fusing Afro-Cuban rhythms, Portugese Creole melody with Congolese rumba. • Fri 3 Apr, 8pm, £17.50/15

01403 750220 www.thecapitolhorsham.com Annie Hit & Run Theatre Company present the famous family musical. • 25–28 Mar, 7.30pm, plus 2.30pm Sat, £13.50–£15 Fifi and the Flowertots Magical adventure for three to seven-year-olds. • 4–5 Apr, 1.30pm and 4pm, £12/10

01323 412000 www.eastbournetheatres.co.uk Pack Of Lies Drama about a couple who must choose loyalty to their friends or country. • 24–28 Mar, 7.45pm, Wed & Sat mat, 2.30pm, £13.50–£21

Chichester Festival Theatre 01243 781312 www.cft.org.uk The Last Cigarette Dramatisation of Simon Gray’s The Smoking Diaries. Candid and probing. • 24 Mar–11 Apr, contact venue for times/£

Eastbourne: Congress Theatre 01323 412000 www.eastbournetheatres.co.uk As One 2009 Eastbourne and Hailsham schools Consortium present music, dance and drama,

Theatre Royal 08700 606650 www.theambassadors.com/theatreroyal Waiting For Godot Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart star in Samuel Beckett’s classic about two men waiting for the mysterious Godot. • 23–28 Mar, 7.45pm, plus 2.30pm Thu and Sat, please contact venue for £ Gethsemane New play about British public life looking at how business, media and politics are now intertwined to nobody’s advantage. • 31 Mar–4 Apr, 7.45pm, plus 2.30pm Thu and Sat please contact venue for £

Upstairs at Three and Ten 07800 983290 www.otherplaceproductions.co.uk Double Bill: Tipping/A Month of Sundays Tipping examines London’s ASBO generation and A Month of Sundays is a dark thriller set in a decaying seaside town. • 1–2 April, 7.30pm, £6/5

Worthing: Connaught Theatre 01323 206206 www.worthingtheatres.co.uk Spider’s Web Agatha Christie Theatre Company present the story of Clarissa, who must solve a murder mystery before the police. • 24–28 Mar, 7.30pm plus 2pm Wed and 2.30pm Sat, £14.50–£23 Dinnerladies Victoria Wood’s comedy live on stage. Based on the second series of the show. • 30 Mar–4 Apr, 7.30pm plus 2pm Wed and 2.30pm Sat, £13–£22

Worthing: Pavilion Theatre 01093 206206 www.worthingtheatres.co.uk We’ll Meet Again Charming musical reliving the spirit of the Forties. • 2 April, 2.30pm, £11/9

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24 FILM www.odeon.co.uk

0871 224 4007 Tuesday 24

Thursday 26

DUPLICITY (12A) 2.00, 5.10, 8.00 GRAN TORINO (15) 2.30, 8.15 LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS (15) 2.00, 4.15, 6.30, 8.45 MARLEY AND ME (PG) 12.45, 1.45, 3.30, 4.45, 6.15, 7.45, 9.00 PAUL BLART: MALL COP (PG) 12.45, 3.15, 5.45, 8.15 SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE (15) 1.00, 4.30 WATCHMEN (18) 1.30, 5.00, 8.30 THE WAVE (15) 7.30 THE YOUNG VICTORIA (PG) 12.15, 6.00

A BUNCH OF AMATEURS (15) 10.30am DUPLICITY (12A) 10.45, 2.00, 5.10, 8.00 GRAN TORINO (15) 2.30, 8.15 KNOWING (15) 12.15, 3.00, 5.30, 8.15 LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS (15) 2.00, 4.15, 6.30, 8.45 MARLEY AND ME (PG) 12.45, 1.45, 3.30, 4.45, 6.15, 7.45, 9.00 PAUL BLART: MALL COP (PG) 12.45, 3.15, 5.45, 8.15 WATCHMEN (18) 1.30, 5.00, 8.30 THE YOUNG VICTORIA (PG) 12.15, 6.00

Wednesday 25

FORTHCOMING FILMS: THE DAMNED UNITED, TRAITOR CHECK WITH CINEMA TO CONFIRM FILM TIMES

DUPLICITY (12A) 2.00, 5.10, 8.00 KNOWING (15) 12.15, 3.00, 5.30, 8.15 LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS (15) 2.00, 4.15, 6.30, 8.45 MARLEY AND ME (PG) 12.45, 1.45, 3.30, 4.45, 6.15, 7.45, 9.00 PAUL BLART: MALL COP (PG) 12.45, 3.15, 5.45, 8.15 SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE (15) 1.00, 4.30, 7.30 WATCHMEN (18) 1.30, 5.00, 8.30

Lesbian Vampire Killers

01273 626261 Tuesday 24

Saturday 28

NOTORIOUS (U) 11am IL DIVO (15) 1.30, 4.00, 6.30, 9.00

IL DIVO (15) Times TBC IN THE CITY OF SYLVIA (TBC) 4.00, 6.00 THE ANT BULLY (U) 11.00am

NOTORIOUS (U) 11am IL DIVO (15) 1.30, 4.00, 6.30, 9.00

Thursday 26

Sunday 29 IL DIVO (15) Times TBC IN THE CITY OF SYLVIA (TBC) 4.00, 6.00

IL DIVO (15) 1.30, 3.30, 7.15, 9.30

Monday 30

Friday 27

IL DIVO (15) Times TBC IN THE CITY OF SYLVIA (TBC) 4.00, 6.00

IL DIVO (15) Times TBC IN THE CITY OF SYLVIA (TBC) 4.00, 6.00 THE GOOD ASSET (15) 9.00pm

CHECK WITH CINEMA TO CONFIRM FILM TIMES

www.cineworld.co.uk

0871 200 2000 Tuesday 24 BOLT 3D (PG) 1.30, 4.00 DUPLICITY (12A) 12.50, 3.40, 6.30, 9.20 GRAN TORINO (15) 12.40, 3.20, 6.10, 9.00 LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS (15) 12.20, 2.40, 5.00, 7.20, 9.40 MARLEY AND ME (PG) 12.30, 3.10, 6.00, 8.50 PAUL BLART: MALL COP (15) 12.10, 2.30, 4.50, 7.10, 9.30 SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE (15) 6.20, 9.10 THE YOUNG VICTORIA (PG) 12.00, 3.00, 5.40, 8.20 WATCHMEN (18) 2.40, 5.10, 8.40

Wednesday 25 BOLT 3D (PG) 1.30, 4.00 DUPLICITY (12A) 12.50, 3.40, 6.30, 9.20 GRAN TORINO (15) 6.20, 9.10 KNOWING (15) 12.40, 3.30, 6.10, 9.00 LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS (15) 12.20, 2.40, 5.00, 7.20, 9.40 MARLEY AND ME (PG) 12.30, 3.10, 6.00, 8.50 PAUL BLART: MALL COP (15) 12.10, 2.30, 4.50, 7.10, 9.30 SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE (15) 6.20, 9.10

THE YOUNG VICTORIA (PG) 12.00, 3.00, 5.40, 8.20 WATCHMEN (18) 2.40, 5.10, 8.40

Thursday 26 BOLT 3D (PG) 1.30, 4.00 DUPLICITY (12A) 12.50, 3.40, 6.30, 9.20 GRAN TORINO (15) 6.20, 9.10 KNOWING (15) 12.40, 3.30, 6.10, 9.00 LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS (15) 12.20, 2.40, 5.00, 7.20, 9.40 MARLEY AND ME (PG) 12.30, 3.10, 6.00, 8.50 PAUL BLART: MALL COP (15) 12.10, 2.30, 4.50, 7.10, 9.30 SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE (15) 6.20, 9.10 THE YOUNG VICTORIA (PG) 12.00, 3.00, 5.40, 8.20 WATCHMEN (18) 2.40, 5.10, 8.40

Films showing Friday 27–Monday 30 FORTHCOMING FILMS: THE DAMNED UNITED, TRAITOR CHECK WITH CINEMA TO CONFIRM FILM TIMES

www.worthingtheatres.co.uk

01903 206206 Tues 24–Thurs 26

Saturday 28

GRAN TORINO (15) (Tues, Thurs) 2.30, (Wed) 7.30

KUNG FU PANDA (PG) 10.15am

Tues 24–Mon 30

CHECK WITH CINEMA TO CONFIRM FILM TIMES

DUPLICITY (12A) 8.00, (Wed) 2.30, (Fri, Sat, Sun) 5.00, (Sat, Sun) 2.00,

What’s on this week

Films showing Friday 27–Monday 30

www.picturehouses.co.uk

Wednesday 25

L7 lowdown

Duplicity (12A) Dir: Tony Gilroy Julia Roberts and Clive Owen are two sharp-talking former government spooks undertaking an uneasy truce to secure a golden goose of a formula for their companies. Except everyone’s out to get them. And they start to fall for one another, and not in a trusting way. High jinks thriller. Showing at Cineworld and Odeon Paul Blart: Mall Cop (PG) Dir: Steve Carr Starring Kevin James as the overweight security guard, he’s a wannabe cop who can’t quite pass the physical, pottering through life. Until... Santa’s helpers take hostages and place the mall under siege. This might’ve been what happened if Die Hard went comedy and ate too many doughnuts. Perhaps. Showing at Cineworld and Odeon Marley And Me (PG) Dir: David Frankel Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston are those loved up newlywed kids, moving into their new home with their new dog Marley. Boisterous, fun and hardly disciplined, Marley is much loved and helps guide the couple through the trials and tribulations of adapting to marriage. A feel-good learning comedy type film. Showing at Cineworld and Odeon Lesbian Vampire Killers (15) Dir: Phil Claydon Flavours of the year Mathew Horne and James Corden star as two gormless hiking mates who trip over a nest of lesbian vampires in Wales. As you do. More than a little silly, this comic horror has matehood pitted against mythical creatures and Brit gags galore. Showing at Cineworld, Odeon Watchmen (18) Dir: Zack Snyder Based on the mega-successful graphic novels. High hopes and great

expectations are on the shoulders of this bad boy. Based on an alternative universe in 1985, with vigilantes the norm, a group of superheroes come together to investigate the death of one of their own. Not a disappointment to fans and perfectly understandable to fresh eyes. Showing at Cineworld and Odeon In the City of Sylvia (PG) Dir: José Luis Guerín A young man wanders around Strasbourg sketching outside cafes and looking for the girl he loved and lost. This will either test your patience and have you thinking ‘over indulgent naval gazing rubbish’. Or you will delight in the beauty of the stillness of the cinematography. Will he get her back? Will you care? Showing at Duke Of York’s Il Divo (15) Dir: Paolo Sorrentino A pretty exhaustive history of Italian politics since 1946. Goodbye El Duco, hello Giulio Andreotti – Italy’s prime minister seven times since he first kicked off when the war in Europe ended. Nominated for the Palme D’Or, this biopic has received much praise from its European audience. Showing at Duke Of York’s Through the Mind’s Eyes (16) Dir: Various Three short films exploring young people’s experiences of mental health, taking viewers on a journey through depression, self harm and psychosis. The films have been created by young people from the Experience in Mind project, which enables volunteers aged 16-25 to use their experiences to raise awareness about young people’s mental health. The project is a partnership between Hove YMCA and Mind in Brighton and Hove, and part of v’s National Youth Volunteering programme. Admission free. Showing at Duke Of York’s

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FILM 25 As a director you have a certain tendency to embellish the ugly. Why is that? When you tell a story you're faced with a series of situations, actions, habits, landscapes. It doesn’t matter whether they are beautiful or ugly in real life, because a film must necessarily have an aesthetic quality, which, for me at least, has to be gratifying. Cinema has the extraordinary power to change the aesthetic perception of tragic or horrific events. Do you think humanity springs from weakness? Weaknesses or failures can, in many cases, be a means of redemption for a person. It's simply that an individual becomes stronger when faced with a spectre or when he realises how low he has sunk. Unfortunately, it's not a fixed rule. If it were, there would be no more suicides.

Camera man

How do your create your scenes? I plan them at home before shooting the film. I rarely improvise on the set, and only if I have a brilliant idea.

Italian director Paolo Sorrentino talks about his new film Il Divo and the importance of music Do your films talk about the south of Italy, or the country in general? Do you see yourself as belonging to the tradition of political directors like Rosi and Rossellini? I’m interested in characters more than anything else. In real life, and therefore in films. These people who intrigue, fascinate or disgust me, may be Italian and therefore representative, albeit partially, of Italian society, and sometimes symbolic of it, as in the case of Andreotti. Political directors like Rosi and Petri are giants who can never be equalled.

“I need music to write a screenplay. It can create dizzying emotions and a certain feeling of power or suspense”

How do you compose your shots? I imagine them. I imagine these things pretty accurately and make any corrections on the set.

You depict a corrupt Italy in your latest film. Has the situation improved? Apparently not. But no-one talks about corruption in Italy today, although it exists and proliferates. The characters in your films always exist outside the system. Is marginality a source of inspiration to you? What you’re saying about marginality applies to my previous films, but not to Il Divo. The opposite is true for this film. Your characters are always marked by loneliness and melancholy, why?

Do you always work with the same cinematographer? I always work with the same cinematographer because naturally he’s very good and because he has an understanding with the crew.

These feelings are often seen as negative, while they have always be genuine feelings for me. Melancholy and loneliness stimulate the imagination and fantasy. Moreover, they’re universal feelings.

Would you say that your film language is musical? I'd like it to be musical, but I doubt that it is. Instead, I use the emotions that music arouses to write a scene more effectively. I need music to write a screenplay. It can create dizzying emotions, and a certain feeling of power or suspense – which helps me to create scenes that I want to be powerful or suspenseful. I don't write a single word until I have a new library of sounds that are right for the feeling of the film.

Win Italian lessons or a luxury night at the Duke of York’s To coincide with the release of Il Divo, the Duke of York‘s is giving away a beginners Italian course and other goodies. First prize is 10 lessons at a local college, courtesy of Cactus Language Training. Four runners-up will receive either a meal at an Italian restaurant, the Il Divo CD soundtrack, five Artificial Eye foreign language films, or a luxury cinema night for two with a free glass of wine or a soft drink watching a film of your choice from the

balcony at the Duke of York‘s cinema. Subject to availability. For a chance of winning a prize, tell us: Who directed Il Divo? Send your answer with your name, address and phone number before Monday 13 April to competitions@thelatest.co.uk, putting Il Divo in the subject line, or write to us at the address on page three.

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26 STAND-UP COMEDY | ART Pacific Coast

A laughing matter Victoria Nangle enquires into the natural rhythm of comedy, and those odd breaks away

he other day I was fortunate enough to see a rather established comic perform. I get to see a few of these and I am grateful every time. The thing is, as well as being very good and all that, they slipped up once. Admittedly it was only once but it made me think. They said something, didn’t get a laugh and then assumed the audience hadn’t understood. We weren’t stupid, we were just listening. He hadn’t made a joke, he’d made a statement with no punchline. He was so used to receiving laughter at everything he said he assumed he’d made a joke. This can be a pitfall of the trained stand-up comic mind. I don’t think he was being overly arrogant in this instance, but I’ve discussed the comic voice with a number of professional stand-ups. Once you’ve gigged for a number of years, started successfully entertaining the hordes, it becomes second nature to turn your speech mode into a set-up-and-punch structure.

“Once you’ve gigged for a number of years it becomes second nature to turn your speech mode into a set-up and punch structure” One comic who is currently working on writing his first sitcom said that he had to learn a new way of speaking all over again to fit the new format of writing. He said it was just like all the years he’d spent learning how to talk in stand-up format had to be relearned. Quite disconcerting to have to start again from scratch. I’ve seen other comics of a certain standing get quite cross when their audience hasn’t laughed at a time they deemed appropriate. They’ve forgotten to listen to themselves when they speak and simply presumed the set-up and punch is there, with the rhythm demanding a roar of laughter in conclusion. Doesn’t always work that way. But this is why a lot of comics can get accused of ‘losing it’ after a bit. It’s not that they’ve got nothing to say, they’ve just got to work out how to say it properly. It’s like when you’re writing a note to someone and suddenly forget how to spell the word ‘the’. Just on stage. With hundreds of people watching. Expecting it to be the best ‘the’ ever. No pressure… Mistakes? Well, you’d be mad to expect there not to be a few.

☺

Stand-up wisdom: “I don’t beat my kids. I’m middle class. I destroy them psychologically.” Hal Cruttenden

Thursday 26

Not One Thing/But Another... Improv comedy courtesy of Accidentally/On Purpose, featuring stand-up from the Brighton new comedy scene. Marlborough Bar and Theatre, 8pm, £5 The Noise Next Door This energetic improvising fivesome transform audience suggestion into scenes, songs and scenarios. Brunswick, 8pm, £8/6

Comic Boom Comedy from rising stars, featuring Pappy’s Fun Club. Compered by Seann Walsh. Komedia, 7pm, £8.50/6.50

Friday 27 Krater Comedy Club Round off the month with top comedy from Raymond and Mr Timpkins Revue, Dan Evans and Jo Jo Smith. MC is Rufus Hound.

Exhibition by Radiohead’s multi-talented art work creator Stanley Donwood Printed Papers is an exhibition of Stanley Donwood’s best-known limited edition prints from his artwork for Radiohead and Thom Yorke album covers to his more recent London Views series of work. There will also be an exclusive new print release to coincide with the exhibition together with previous rare editions that are highly collectable. Although Stanley Donwood is best known for his artwork for Radiohead, he also writes books, is a CEO of a record company and is an accomplished printmaker who prints all his own work. In February 2009 he won a Grammy for Best Boxed or Special Limited Edition Package for his art direction on Radiohead’s In Rainbows album. Stanley Donwood: Printed Papers, Ink_d gallery, North Road, Brighton. Until 10 April.

Art listings Bellis Gallery 8-9 Kings Road, Brighton, 01273 747429 Patrick O’Donnell New work from this gifted local artist whose work embraces the figurative, and sometimes the apocalyptic. Intense, yet radiant. •Mon, Wed–Sat 10.30am–6.30pm, Sun 11.30am–6pm

Brighton Museum & Art Gallery

Comedy listings Wednesday 25

Black star

Also running Saturday and Sunday. Komedia, 7:30pm, £12.50/10

Saturday 28 International Stand-up Strap yourself in for a night of straight-laced, classic stand-up, with a sprinkling of the surreal. Three and Ten, 9:30pm, £8/6

Royal Pavilion Gardens, 01273 292882 Lives Less Photographed: Working Class Life in Brighton, 1860–1935 Exhibition that reveals rare images of local working class life: the people and the lost areas of Brighton where they lived. •Until 26 April Paintings Unwrapped This exhibition takes 60 paintings and helps you look at them with a fresh eye. Many of them will be on display for the first time in many years and include modern, local, international and

historical works. •Until 13 April

Ink_d Gallery North Road, Brighton 01273 645299 Stanley Donwood Printed papers shows a selection of Donwood’s limited edition prints from his artwork that includes work for Radiohead, plus prints from his recent London Views series. •Until 10 April, Mon–Sat 10am–6pm

Lighthouse Kensington Street 01273 647197 Chameleon – Prototype 7 Art, neuroscience and technology merge into a poetic interactive video art installation driven by the emotions of the audience. Tina Gonsalves is the artist-in-residence. •Until 28 March, Wed-Sun 12pm-6pm

Pelham House St Andrew’s Lane, Lewes

01273 488600 Artizan Editions Exhibition of printmakers from Artizan Editions, plus Hungarian printmaker Nagy Sandor Zoltan, exhibiting for the first time in the UK. •Until 29 April

Permanent Gallery Bedford Place, Brighton 01273 710389 Hidden Persuaders Anthem. Exhibition of new paintings, prints and constructions by Louise Bristow. •28 March–26 April, Thurs, Fri & Sun 1pm–6pm, Sat 11am-6pm

Ropetackle Centre Little High Street, Shoreham-by-Sea 01273 464440 Peru: Life On The Outskirts Photographic work by Radek Hlavacek detailing the lives and social deprivation •Until 15 April, Thurs & Fri 10am–4pm, Sat 10am-1pm

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KIDS & EVENTS | BOOKS 27

Write club

Events highlights

John O’Donoghue whiles away the afternoon in one of his favourite writing spots in Brighton ou’ve answered your emails, opened the post, and made a few phone calls. You’ve done 500 words on The Book/added a scene to The Play/polished up the poem you wrote last night as moonlight streamed in through the window. There’s something not quite right, but you need to get out, so you mooch around the North Laine, digging around upstairs at Brighton Guitars, browsing in the Amnesty Bookshop, checking out the Moleskines in Pen & Paper. Where can you take your ease? Where’s the best place to go for a drink and some staring into space time? Where is Brighton’s Deux Magots, her White Horse Tavern, her Café Central? It’s 2.30pm. You walk through the doors of The Basketmakers. The lunchtime crowd is starting to go, back to the little studios, workshops, and garages nearby. Blue, the guv’nor, takes your order, and you settle into your favourite seat, the one by the door, pint in hand, where you can see the clock on the far wall and the whole bar. It’s practically empty now, only a few regulars and some out-of-towners, down for the day, sitting round the walls, watching the day idle by. There are hundreds of old boxes around the walls, tiny tin chests from yesteryear. OXO, Bovril, Colman’s Mustard. You watch some students across the way open one, phone a number they find on a slip of paper, an artist looking for models, giggling all the while. Your food comes, and then you’re onto chocolate pudding, another pint and a whisky, cakes and ale on a cold winter’s day, Fleet Foxes playing quietly in the background. ‘Good to see you on a balanced diet, sir,’ says Blue, and you both laugh. You’ve got that deadline, but for now you don’t care. That tricky bit in Chapter Five/Act Two/the final stanza – you’ve sorted it. The Basketmakers has worked its magic, and that column you’ve been fretting about – it’s done too. You put away your notebook, and slip out quietly. The fire is in you now, and you carry the light weight of your happiness all the way home.

Easter Bunny Trail The Easter Bunny Trail begins this Wednesday 1 April and runs until the end of the month at nearby attraction, Borde Hill Garden, in Haywards Heath. For youngsters aged three to six, there’s a ‘Picture Maze’ Easter trail and an exciting ‘Word Maze’ for older children aged seven to 12. Hunt for eight Easter bunnies in the garden to reveal the name of the word/picture maze and complete the activity sheet. Each child will be rewarded with a delicious chocolate egg at the

end of the trail. Children can also have fun in the Pirates Adventure Playground with its Wild West Fort, Tree Top Walkway and Obstacle Course. An adventurous day out with plenty to keep adults and children entertained. Entry to Borde Hill Garden includes the Easter activities and Pirates Adventure Playground: £7.50 adults/4 per child. Borde Hill garden, Balcombe Road, Haywards Heath, West Sussex, www.bordehill.co.uk. Easter Trail from Wednesday 1 to Thursday 30 April.

Gourmet Dinner A gala evening in aid of Sussex-based animal charities International Animal Rescue (IAR) and the Animal Protection Agency (APA) takes place this Friday 27 March at The Old Market in Hove. Enjoy a sumptuous five-course gourmet meal, where each course reflects an exotic location where much of these two charities work is carried out. Entertainment comes from Brighton’s jungle stilt-walking band The Top Bananas and others. A raffle and auction offer prizes including nights out to fine dining, tickets to some of the UK’s top comedians and more. Combine support for these charities with a great night out. Tickets cost £40 per person and are available on 01825 767688 or email info@internationalanimalrescue.org. Gourmet Dinner Dance, Friday 27 March at The Old Market, Upper Market Street, Hove.

Book listings

Events listings Wednesday 25 Blue Bird Club Club night for people with learning disabilities and their friends. The Hawth Studio. The Hawth, Crawley, 7pm–10pm, £3

Friday 27 Gourmet Dinner Dance Gala evening in aid of two Sussex-based animal charities: International Animal Rescue

and the Animal Protection Agency. Book on 01825 767688. The Old Market, £40.

Saturday 28 Baby Loves Disco Fun afternoon of dancing to tunes the adults will enjoy too! Includes healthy snacks and drinks plus face painting. Brighton Coalition, 2–5pm, £8

“There are hundreds of old boxes around the walls, tiny tin chests from yesteryear”

Sunday 29

Thursday 26 March

Brighton & Hove Limmud 2009 Limmud celebrates the best of Jewish culture. Join in the diverse range of debates, talks and performances. Confirmed speakers include Julie Burchill, lawyer and writer Anthony Julius and crime writer Peter James. More info: 01273 206456. Roedean School, Brighton.

Pam Ayres Pam Ayres returns to The Hawth for an evening of humourous poetry and lighthearted tales. Tickets available from the box office on 01293 553636 The Hawth, 8pm, £17.50 The War in Afghanistan A talk and discussion with Jonathan Neale, a writer and long-standing anti-war activist

who has lived in Afghanistan. Brighthelm Centre, 7:30pm–9pm

Saturday 28 March City Readings – Library Coffee Mornings Free library readings/discussions on The Book Thief with actress Peta Taylor. Hove Library, 11:30am, free.

Coming up Saturday 18 April Pace and Weight Mavis Cheek looks at techniques for variation in pace when writing. Where to increase, where to slow and the use of weighting. Jubilee Library, 10:30am–4:30pm, £50 non-members/35 members.

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28 MUSIC NEWS

latest music

with Jeff Hemmings

★ artists ★ interviews ★ gigs ★ new releases ★ clubs ★ djs ★ chart ★

Family affair Son of the legendary Roy, Nick Harper has developed his own style and audience, as he tells Jeff Hemmings

news ▲

Folk queen With her roots in the maritimes, and a voice that has been compared to Joni Mitchell, Judy Collins and Dusty Springfield, Brightonbased Bernice MacDonald is a folk artist with a pop sensibility and a West Coast sound, as can be heard on her debut album Garden, which will be launched at Latest Music Bar this week. Bernie, as she is known, has a full band behind her, complementing her warm tones and rootsy vibe. Bernice MacDonald, Wednesday 25 March, Latest Music Bar

▲

Get your Mojo on Brighton’s Mojo Fins go to Glastonbury this weekend for the final of the Q Emerging Talent Final, featuring 12 acts fighting for a prestigious slot on one of the main stages at the Glastonbury Festival. Warming up for battle they will be doing a set at Latest Music Bar along with Andi Neate and Matt Carpanini, Tuesday 24 March

s rock’n’roll grows older it seems the sons and daughters of those who became famous through their music are increasingly stepping out of the shadows that must seem intimidating to those on the outside. Take Nick Harper, the hard working singer songwriter who has developed a strong following over the last few few years thanks to his sensational guitar playing, sweet vocals and superb songs. He sounds a bit like his dad but there’s a lot more energy in Nick’s playing, particularly on stage where he like to ‘perform’ and not just ‘play’. This energy is not just confined to the stage, but has been utilised for two recent trips to the Himalayas where he played mountain gigs! ”Both of the treks with the Love, Hope, Strength Foundation, firstly to Mount Everest in 2007 and then last year to Machu Picchu, have been incredible experiences and I am very fortunate to have had these opportunities. I have met the most amazing people in Nepal and Peru, and to be able to combine the Foundations goals of awareness and fundraising with music has really inspired me,” says Nick. Where does he get this energy from? “I don’t know where it comes from exactly but I’ve always been this way. I like to think that the energy surfaces when there is something worthwhile to do.” His father Roy was a very successful singer songwriter (still active today) who hung out and played with some of the biggest names on planet rock including Led Zepellin and Pink Floyd. Who does he think has influenced him the most? “Musically, I

the

Hugely popular San Francisco band who merge their love of Bob Dylan and Van Morrison with Lenny Kravitz Sunday 24 May, Brighton Centre

Big

Counting Crows

gig

have a myriad of influences, some of whom are well documented but definitely include: Killing Joke, Stephen Stills, Frank Zappa, Led Zep and Wagner!” A diverse selection indeed, and these and others can be heard in his music which is independent in spirit, thoroughly likable, and always with a little offbeat psychedelic feel. And his guitar playing is often out of this world. It’s not all about the guitar though as the Harper legacy seems to be in safe hands with his two children. “I have a 12-year-old daughter Lily, who actually played with me on stage at the Royal Albert Hall last September. It was a very proud moment for me.“ And so goes it goes on. Nick Harper, Latest Music Bar, Saturday 28 March

UPCOMING GIGS Simply Red 31 March, Brighton Centre The Enemy 8 April, Dome The Prodigy 14 April, Brighton Centre David Byrne 14 April, Dome PJ Harvey 15 April, Corn Exchange Bat For Lashes 16 April, Corn Exchange Doves 16 April, Dome Gary Moore 17 April, Dome The Rakes 21 April, Concorde 2 Australian Pink Floyd 28 April, B’ton Centre Diamanda Galas 2 May, Dome Gallows 2 May, Concorde 2 Art Brut 6 May, Concorde 2 Portico Quartet 6 May, Old Market The Levellers 11 May, Parlure Spiegeltent Orquesta Aragon 12 May, Dome

Great Escape 14-16 May Yolanda Brown 17 May, Old Market Bon Iver 18 May, Dome Kimya Dawson 19 May, Komedia Spear of Destiny 23 April, Concorde 2 Counting Crows 24 May, Brighton Centre Antony & The Johnsons 21 May, Dome Katy Perry 2 June, Dome Orbital 10 June, Dome Jarvis Cocker 16 June, Dome Jeff Beck 24 June, Dome Loop 11-12 July, Victoria Gardens Beachdown 28-31 August Bloc Party 24 Oct, Brighton Centre UB40 9 Dec, Brighton Centre Jools Holland 12 Dec, Brighton Centre

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BARS & CLUBS 29

Music listings

Music highlights

Tuesday 24 to Monday 30 March

Los Albertos Fun Lovin' Skaminals. Horatios Bar, Brighton Pier, 8pm, free. We Got Soul with The Laura Vane Band Smashing the mould of the modern day soul songstress. Latest Music Bar, 8pm, £8/6.

Andi Neate

Saturday 28

Tuesday 24 Andi Neate + Matt Carpanini + The Mojo Fins Warming blend of folk, jazz and confessional lyrics. Latest Music Bar, 8pm, £5/4. Gentlemen’s Club + During The War + Support Prince Albert, 8pm, £tbc. Latest Showcase The best live music talents from across Brighton. Latest Music Bar, 8pm, £2. Sounds From the City Providing a platform for the best of the city’s young bands and solo artists. Pavilion Theatre, 7:30pm, £4.75/3.75. The Maccabees Refreshing, individual New Wave sounds, original lyrics and bouncy melodies. Concorde 2, 7:30pm, £15. The Rumble Strips + Support Soul pop that'll knock your All Stars off. Komedia, 7pm, £8.

Wednesday 25 Bernice MacDonald Bluesy folk pop. Latest Music Bar, 8pm, free. Club NME with Rob the Rich Energy driven indie pop bunch. Brighton Coalition, 10pm, free. Hugh Cornwell Vocalist and guitarist from 70s punk icons The Stranglers. Concorde 2, 8pm, £15.

Thursday 26 Artrocker Club Brighton with Lord Auch + O Children + Lyrebirds Alternative, melodramatic pop and post punk. Latest Music Bar, 8pm, £5. Eyelash Glam-influenced trashy rock'n'roll band. Engine Rooms, 7pm, £tbc. Taxim Greek Night with The Kypreos Band Live traditional and original greek music. Hanbury Club, 7pm, £8/6. The Kensingtons + For Marla + Our Fathers Alternative indie rock. Prince Albert, 8pm, £tbc

Friday 27 Brighton Jazz Club A selection of the jazz world’s biggest talents. Komedia, 8pm, £12/8. Carnivalesque with Soothsayers + Peyoti for President A fusion of nu Afro beat and dub. Brighton Coalition, 10:30pm, £7/6. End of Level Baddie + Cop on the Edge + The Critical Brighton lads throwing down alternative-punk noise. Prince Albert, 8pm, free. Ska Toons Rocking collision of ska, funk and jazz. Latest Music Bar, 8pm, £5. The Beat + Sonic Boom Six + Strawberry Blondes Reggae, skacore riffs, hip hop beats and rock’n’roll. Concorde 2, 7pm–10pm, £15.

Godsized Heavy, groove based hard rock. Engine Rooms, 7pm, £tbc. Lemar + JLS + The Score Big chart soul and R’n’B plus X-Factor runners-up JLS and dirty disco and indie from The Score. Brighton Centre, 7:30pm, £25. Nick Harper Two gigs by the guitarist with a distinctive soulful voice and passionate delivery. Latest Music Bar, 7pm and 9.30pm, £12/10. Sound Factory with Trip to Dover + Anthems for doomed youth + Trousseaux Unadulterated rock and plastic pints. The Providence, 8pm, £1. Stacey Kent An intoxicating and beautiful voice makes Stacy one of the foremost jazz singers. The Old Market, 8pm, £22/20. The Coronas Their debut album loomed in the Irish charts for a massive 26 weeks. Freebutt, 7:30pm, £6. The Magic Number Swing Emporium Dirty dixie gypsy swing, from the Brighton sextet. Komedia, 8pm, £8.50/6.50. The Valentines + Civilian Indie pop rock live. Grand Central, 9pm, free. Time Crisis with The Justice Force 5 + The Dolphin Parade A messy rockfest – spandex will fly. The Hope, 9pm-2am, £4.

Sunday 29

Andi Neate + The Mojo Fins + Matt Carpanini Scots singer songwriter who tours regularly, working her behind off as a fullyfledged independent artist, in order to forge ahead in the increasingly competitive and saturated music market. Her new album Crows, Rooks and Ravens is, as the title suggests, about myths, fables and folk tales. But there’s plenty of jazz, balladry, and a little bit of cabaret atmospherics within. Moreover, Neate has a great voice, very expressive and clear. The Mojo Fins are taking the opportunity to warm up for the battle to win a place at one of Glastonbury’s main stages at the Q Emerging Talent competition which climaxes in the grand final this weekend, and local singer songwriter Matt Carpanini rounds off the bill Tuesday 24 March, Latest Music Bar The Maccabees Their debut album Colour It In won critical plaudits across the board including Artrocker magazine’s Album of the Year accolade, and now they are back with a soon-tobe-released album, and a UK tour including this date in the hometown. Needless to say it sold it almost immediately, as befits one of the most exciting live bands around. Dynamic, full of distinctively angular songs that stop and start, and yet never lose their edge, nor groove. Tuesday 24 March, Concorde 2 The Beat + Sonic Boom Six + Strawberry Blondes Veteran 2-toners who have been enjoying a renaissance the last few years. Back in the late 70s and early 80s they regularly peppered the charts with their fast-paced,

rhythmic songs such as ‘Mirror in the Bathroom’. The Beat were always more than just ska; fusing pop, punk and soul influences into their overall sound and with the energetic Ranking Roger fronting the band. Manchester’s Sonic Boom Six are in support, a wildy invigorating and more youthful mix of ska, punk and reggae. Friday 27 March, Concorde 2 Gilad Atzmon with Strings Charlie Parker with Strings is one of the best-selling records in the history of jazz. Now, in the esteemed company of the Sigamos String Quartet, awardwinning jazz saxophonist, bandleader and composer Gilad Atzmon steps into the mighty Bird’s shoes to celebrate his mercurial genius. This special collaboration revisits Parker’s landmark 50s Verve recordings, alongside specially composed Atzmon originals. Fusing fiery bebop artistry with Middle Eastern roots, Gilad Atzmon is one of the most distinctive jazzmen on the international scene. Sunday 29 March, Corn Exchange Jack Penate A contemporary and good friend of Felix White of The Maccabees (they were in a band together called Jack’s Basement), Jack is also back in action (there seems to be some syncronicity going on here) with a new album and an extended UK tour. Jack’s got a bit of a rockabilly thing going on, but judging by the new single ‘Tonight’s Today’ there seems to be no way of holding back his ambitions for a fuller, more epic sound. Monday 30 March, Concorde 2

Adam Davis 13-year-old wonderkid and full band with an album to promote! Latest Music Bar, 6pm, £6. Exit Ten Reading metal bunch could take their sharp riffs to huge heights in 09. Freebutt, 8pm, £6. Gilad Atzman with Strings Special collaboration revisiting Parker’s landmark 50s Verve recording alongside specially composed Atzmon originals. Corn Exchange, 8pm, £15/12.50. Reigns + John The Savage + Autumn Chorus Experimental folk-rock with psychedelic lounge. Beard stroking good. Hanbury Club, 8pm, £6. The Sounds + Support Swedish new wave band who start and end the party! Digital, 7pm–10pm, £9.

Monday 30 Breakthrough with Rough Trade featuring The Special Ks + Elmor + The Wonderfuls Pop, rock, indie and alternative mayhem. Latest Music Bar, 7:30pm, £3/2 NUS. Jack Penate A sumptuous slice of reggaeinfused London rock. Concorde 2, 7pm, £11. Jaime Pettit

Roast Jazz

The Maccabees

Every Sunday from 12.30 £10 including lunch Sun 29 Mar Sam Chara Sun 5 Apr Sun 12 Apr Shauna Parker & The Saloon Bar Band TBC 01273 687171 14–17 manchester street

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30 MUSIC REVIEWS | CHART

REVIEWS A weekly review of local and national releases onnie Prince Billy, it seems, cannot put a foot wrong, so highly is this maverick US musician held. Not surprisingly, he’s now decided to turn his hand to country rock, his plaintive and melancholic voice and guitar sound the ideal allies. Although there is a distinctly country-rock sound throughout Beware à la The Byrds and Buffalo Springfield, Billy conjures up a unique take and sound, and comes up with a consistently good album with no duffers in sight. Scots ex-pats The Xcerts have recently relocated to Brighton, building up a head of steam with their anthemic indie rock that verges on the hardcore in places. Debut album In The Cold Wind We Smile sounds grim – and is grim. A great live band, but a little bit grey on record, their more caressing moments such as ‘Listen Don’t Panic’ are a much needed let-up from the ubiquitous visceral guitar attacks that are thickly applied throughout the album. The wonderfully monikered Polly Scattergood looks kooky, and is kooky. Beautifully produced by Simon Fisher Turner, her eponymous debut album is a winning mish-mash of angsty poetry set to music, and very catchy indie pop where the music and words gel into a satisfying whole, particularly on stand-out cuts such as ‘Other Too Endless’ and ‘Unforgiving Arms’. Brighton’s The Maccabees released one of the albums of the year in Colour It In back in 2007. They are back with a new single, ‘No Kind Words’, preceding their new album. Another great slice of rhythmic art-rock, this intelligent bunch of young men continue to make music that is both fresh and invigorating. Hard, dirty, sleazy, grimy. Yes, classic rock is back, and along with all those old codgers stealing money from those who need a dose of old-fashioned rock’n’roll to get their knees working again, there’s a slew of bands bubbling under. There’s no denying the simple, primitive pleasures of a full-on, hard-rocking wig-out. The Answer are one of the best, sounding like they have just come out of a AC/DC rehearsal held in the Southern states of the good ol’ USA, as can be heard on their new album Everyday Demons. Adam Davis, the 13-year-old sensation, has been busking his heart out at Churchill Square and other places in the Brighton area. It seems there is no stopping this singer and pianist who has enlisted the songwriting talents of Chicks With Hits to come up with the necessary pop firepower with which to display his talents. A great singer with a soulful voice (like a boyish version of Winehouse meets Duffy), he’s even made a proper album called Shout Out. There’s a big launch taking place on 29 March at Latest Music Bar which will feature some very interested members of the Great British music industry.

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Brighton Latest Download Chart Top 10 ★

1 N-D-E – Incredible Machine

★

2 Thunk – Micromophone 3 Frunt, Bak & Nutz – The Rites Of Wolf 4 The Woo!worths – KONICHIWA 5 Chaos Borne – Watching 6 Caramel Jack – We Could Build Skyscrapers 7 The Mojo Fins – Always Now 8 Caramel Jack – Curtain 9 R21 – Proved You Wrong 10 tenek – If I Should Fall (EP version) Big beat mixers Frunt, Bak & Nutz take a knockout jab from an ‘Incredible Machine’. Sliding down to three as N-D-E reclaim the top spot. Funky Thunk still stands referee between the pair, at a very respectable number two. Meanwhile melodic pop duo, The Woo!worths still have the dark dance of Chaos Borne pipped for fourth position. 11 Mr resonate Say what you mean 12 Freudstein Sister Sleaze 13 Chaos Borne The Moment 14 Last Days of Lorca Big Green Parcel Machine 15 Swarf Parlour Tricks 16 breakinbear Breeze 17 sMs I’m sorry Dave 18 Mr resonate All that im not 19 Glitters From Billy Holiday 20 tenek State Of Mind 21 jaybee sweet savage 22 Victoria Ferguson & Ben Ingall Everytime 23 WITHOUT WARRANT STOP THE MACHINE 24 Millsy slug music My Giddy Aunt 25 Stupid Kid With You

26 Friday Night Hero Our Time 27 VILLAREAL We Must Stop Meeting Like This 28 The Beautiful Word Golden Box 29 Sweet Sweet Lies My Overrated Girlfriend 30 St.Michel Remedy 31 Sam Charles Jupiter 32 Pete Lambrou with Rhia Lock To Silence Our Little Hearts 33 Digitalis No Control 34 Sweet Violentine Eva B 35 Chrissy Fuel & The Flames The Motorway Song 36 dear jon. on your side 37 The Mystic Wizards The Vulture Song 38 Sam Charles Voyager 39 The Pulse Used In Part 40 Astro Physics 24 Hour MC

Crossword solutions Solution Cryptic 186 ACROSS: 1 Ragged 4 Wished 9 Blotting-paper 10 Sleep 11 Policed 12 Squaw 13 Spoof 18 Unequal 20 Cadet 21 Precipitation 22 Rushed 23 Rescue. DOWN: 1 Robust 2 Grotesqueness 3 Ectopia 5 Impel 6 Hypochondriac 7 Deride 8 Snipe 14 Package 15 Supper 16 Slain 17 Stance 19 Unite.

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DOWN: 1 Behind 2 Double-dealing 3 Cleaner 5 Learn 6 Philanthropic 7 Digest 8 Bread 14 Liberal 15 Sticks 16 Venom 17 Prayed 19 Plate.

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BARS & CLUBS 31

Bar & Club listings

Bar & Club highlights

Tuesday 24 to Monday 30 March

Tuesday 24 Audio Snide. Tight-trousered indie disco. 10pm–2am, £3/2 Brighton Coalition Latin Fever. Latin music to get your juices flowing. 10pm–2am, free. Digital Glitterati. 11pm–3am, £5/3 Funky Buddha Lounge Its ***King Good. Prescription cheese and chart for party heads and student types! 10:30pm, £1. New Hero This Exists. Fresh music for cool kids! Uncompromising quality pop culture. 10pm, £2 Pavilion Tavern Guerrilla Rocks. Indie, rock, metal and punk mash-up. 10:30pm–2am, £1–£3 Tru It’s All About The 90s. 10pm–2:30am, 90p Water Margin Sessions.11pm–4am, £2/free.

Wednesday 25 Arc Life is Easy. 10pm, £1/free. Audio Supercharged. Parading 3 Breakspoil ‘09 gongs, breakbeat warriors Napt are back for the monthly pound bash. 11pm–2:30am, £3/1. Brighton Coalition Club NME. A beerfest with live NME bands & DJs. 10:30pm–3:30am, free. Funky Buddha Lounge NYC. Unpretentious Pop, electro and house for the mid-week party heads.11pm–6am, £3/2. Po Na Na Urban Chic. R’n’B, Hip Hop, Dance Hall and Funky House. 10pm–3am, free/£2 Volks Genetics. Liquid, soulful and darkside bass and breaks. 10pm–3am, £1 b4 12/2 after. Water Margin Forgive Me Father for I Have Synth’d. 80s electro. 11pm–3am, £tbc Followed by: Genetics. Intelligent, liquid, neuro and darkside D’n’B. 2:30am–7am, £2.

Thursday 26 Audio Shameless Presents Quids In. 11pm, £1 Brighton Coalition Love Blow. R’n’B, funky house and dance music floor fillers. 10:30pm–3am, £2/1 NUS. Funky Buddha Lounge Keepin’ it Funky. Funky house and party classics. 11pm–3am, £3/2. Honey Club Contagious. House and dance anthems. 10:30pm–3am, £3/1 New Hero Pop Kraft. 10pm–2am, £2 Po Na Na Secret Discotheque. 10pm–3am, £3/2 Water Margin Love Lockdown. DJs, Show ‘n’ Prove. 7:30pm, ladies free

Friday 27 Arc Some Kind of Wonderful. 60s night. 11pm–3am, £3 Audio Square Roots. Epic fusion of dub, ragga, dancehall and bashment with The Bug. 11pm–4am, £8/7. Concorde 2 Prometheus. 11pm–4am, £12.50. Digital Stonelove. 101% maximum indie rock’n’roll with DJ and live bands. 11pm-3am, £4. Engine Rooms Deviant. Hard moshin’ rock alternative.11pm–3am, £5/3 Funky Buddha Lounge Bobby & Steve Present... Two big names in soulful house club together a host of Global heroes. 11pm-6am,

free b4 12/£5 after. Funky Fish The Funkyfish.10pm–3am, £5/3.50 Honey Club Hed Kandi. A musical digression to the dark side of house. 10:30pm–3:30am, £15/5. Komedia Da Doo Ron Ron Presents Andy Smith. 11pm, £5. New Hero Somewhere in the Universe… Leading alt electro dance party. 10pm, £5/3 Pavilion Tavern Kick Out The Jams. Rock’n’roll indie anthems and punk. 10:30pm–3am, £5/3 Po Na Na Ice Box. Funky house night for a dressed up crowd. 10pm–3am, £5/4 The Hanbury Club Mojo To Go G0. Swinging 60s psychedelia, soul, beat, boogaloo, ska and garage. 7pm–2am, £5/4. Tru Skint. Playing mainstream funky house, R’n’B and Cheesy disco hits. 10pm–2am, free b4 11/£3 after. Volks Autopsy. Darkside D’n’B plus jungle and hip hop in room 2. 11pm, £tbc.

Saturday 28 Arc Hold Up. Indie night. 10:30pm–4am, £5 Audio SoL’s Winter Sessions. 11pm–4am, free. Brighton Coalition Azzido Da Bass. Electronic outfit rocks out the Coaliton. 11pm-4am, £12/10. Concorde 2 Devotion. D’n’B heavyweight, Grooverider heads this months line-up. 11pm4am, £10. Digital Hat Club. 11pm–4am, £10. Engine Rooms Snake Eyed Mamas Club. Surf classics, old school Psychobilly and the cream of ‘50s R’n’B. 11pm-3am, £5. Funky Buddha Lounge Buddha Soul. Disco, funk, house and rare groove. 10pm–3am, £10 Followed By: Casa Loco Vs Blow. Filthy Tech music 3am, £5/3 NUS. Funky Fish The Funkyfish. 10pm–3am, £5/3.50 Honey Club Sevensins. 10:30pm–5am, £12/5. La Tropicale Houseworks. Quality house from all over. 8pm–4am, free b4 11/£6 after. New Hero It Is Still 1985. 10pm, £3 Pavilion Tavern Drop Zone. Dark, Heavy, Glam, Alternative Dance. 10:30pm–3am, £4/2 Po Na Na Silk. R’n’B, funky house and commercial. 10pm–3am, £10/5 Tru Glitterbaby. 9pm–3am, £10/8 Volks Slackers Convention. Beats, bass and nonsense with 2 Bit Thugs. 11pm–4am, £5/4. Water Margin Logo. 3am, £7/5.

Cobbed with techno doused outfit Eat Static, this promises to make a thunderous dent in your weekend, head down! Friday 27 March, Concorde 2

Pop Kraft It’s serious party mayhem for all you beautiful and bold weirdos and party heads! Expect a primary pop overload and outrageous post-modern performance with the fabulous Boogaloo Stu and the Size Zero Albino. Taking you into Primary Pop hedonism! Thursday 26 March, New Hero

Da Doo Ron Ron Presents Andy Smith Bona fide superstar and ex-Portishead Mr Andy Smith will be laying down the tracks for DDRR. In keeping with DDRR’s femme-centric side he’ll be dolling out a fabalicious mix of 60s femme pop, soul sirens, sister funk and chicks with licks. The modern day diva doesn’t have a flick on these lady legends! Friday 27 March, Komedia

Prometheus Indulge in an evening choc full of psychedelic foot-stompers from Prometheus, Younger Brother and Eat Static. Producer Benji Vaughan, aka Prometheus, is one of Twisted Records’ leading artists. Illuminating the forefront of the electronica scene, playing gigs solo as “Prometheus”, or as “Younger Brother”

Hat Club I am already breaking the first rule so I’ll make it snappy. If you have a fanatical sense of fun. A crushing penchant for quirky head gear, or a driving passion for filthy house, get to Digital on Saturday. I told you nothing. Saturday 28 March, Digital Da Doo Ron Ron

Da Doo Ron Ron Andy Smith Da Doo Ron Ron

Sunday 29 Arc Irie. Ragga, R’n’B, 10pm–3am, £5/3 Honey Club Sundelicious. 10pm–3am, £2/1 The Open House We Change The Frequency. 8pm, free.

Monday 30 Coalition Trash Mondays. 10:30pm–3am, £3/free. Honey Club Disco Babe. 10:30pm–2:30am, £3/1 Po Na Na Fat Poppadaddys. 10pm–2:30am, £3/1 Jaime Pettit

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32 LATEST GAY

BRIGHTON’S ONLY WEEKLY GAY GUIDE NEWS

New venue Stars of the cabaret and drag scene will perform at a brand new outdoor venue for Brighton Festival Fringe. The Sundown Show Bar big top will be erected at The Green, St Peter’s Church, York Place, for the Festival from Saturday 2 to Monday 25 May. The venue is being provided by the people who were behind the incredibly popular theatre and cabaret tent at last year’s Beachdown Festival, including compere and programmer Boogaloo Stu and Lucy Bundy, aka Fake Bush. The line-up includes Brighton favourites Dolly Rocket, drag star Gateau Chocolat, Brighton Gay Men’s Chorus and Gay Speed Disco with Jonny Woo. Other performers include Terry Garoghan, David Devant and his Spirit Wife, Village Disco, the Lorraine Bowen Experience, Captain Kidd and Voodoo Vaudeville. Stu said: “It is going to be very similar to the tent at Beachdown, with more acts and more variety over the three weeks.“ He said Beachdown organisers had been surprised by how popular the cabaret tent became. Sundown is working Boogaloo Stu in harmony with the Spiegeltent, which will be based in Steine Gardens, but which also owns the licence for the pitch at The Green. The two venues have been programmed carefully so they offer something very different. Sundown will have a supper club and live entertainment until 11pm. Book on 01273 709709 or brightonfestivalfringe.org.uk

Fair workplace Employers have been warned that focusing on workplace equality is as important as ever during the economic downturn. Speakers at the Stonewall workplace conference last week said gay and lesbian staff are at their most productive when fully supported by their employers. Margot James, vice chair of the Conservative Party, said: “I believe there’s a business case

as well as a moral case for continuing the battle for greater equality in workplaces. The companies that stay loyal to that agenda will hang on to their quality workforces and their future.” Baroness Jan Royall, leader of the House of Lords, said: “Stonewall argues in relation to the workplace that people perform better when they can be themselves and I agree.”

Comedian Zoe Lyons writes about being invited to meet the prime minister as one of Britain’s LGBT great and good have friends in high places – no, really I do. One is a pilot and the other works at 10 Downing Street. She called me a few weeks ago and said: “Zoe, would you like to come to the first ever LGBT history month reception at Number 10?” Would I? Hell yeah! Who wouldn’t want the chance to have a peek around the PM’s pad? My invite arrived: ‘The Prime Minister requests the pleasure…’ et cetera, et cetera, ‘…dress code: lounge suit’. What the hell is a lounge suit when it’s at home? The idea of ‘smart casual’ throws me into utter confusion, so I had no idea how to approach the lounge suit aspect of this invite. On the day, I borrowed my partner’s suit, one size too big, and her shoes, one size too small – one of us is out of proportion and it isn’t me. I have to admit I was a tad excited as I tottered in my pinching shoes through that famous black door. I was then immediately struck by how threadbare the carpets were. Well, I guess they have seen quite a bit of action over the years, so to speak. The hundred or so guests were then ushered upstairs into a large, quite bare reception room. I recognised some faces: Erasure’s Andy Bell; Amy Lamé and fellow comedian Rhona Cameron; as well as representatives from Stonewall and other LGBT equality organisations. We were treated to nibbles and wine and then the big man himself arrived, hotfoot from his first visit to Obama in Washington. He darted around the room shaking hands. I didn’t have time to reveal my plans to save the economy with a system of vouchers for every citizen. The prime minister has very soft hands, very soft. When you think about how many hands that man has shook it is no wonder his skin has become as smooth as a gently eroded stone. When he addressed the room it was with real passion and emotion that he talked about how far the LGBT community had come. The audience responded energetically, even with some light-hearted heckling. Nice to see even the PM gets heckled. He spoke about civil partnerships, love and the government’s commitment to stamping out homophobia. I felt genuinely moved, Amy Lamé was actually on her hen night with her girlfriend – at No 10. That’s progress. I felt very honoured to be part of the first LGBT reception with the PM, it made me think how things have changed for the better over the years and, as I walked down the portrait-lined corridor, I just about resisted the urge to draw a moustache on Maggie’s picture.

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LATEST GAY 33

Gay listings Tuesday 24 to Monday 30 March Tuesday 24 Amsterdam The Tuesday Social. 7pm, free. Brighton Tavern Games Galore. 12pm, free. Ghetto Quiz Alicious & Twisted Karaoke. Hosted by Mistress Cat. 8pm, free. Legends Relax – It’s Tuesday. Friendly bar with smoking/sun terrace. Bar open 11am–5am, free. Marlborough Drag King Night. Rack out some pool or relax with a handsome king. 8pm, free. Queen’s Arms Skint. Unlimited drinks wristbands for £10 plus a guest DJ and karaoke. A credit crunch gem. 8pm–11pm, free. R-Bar Shoot Me Baby! FREE shot of Corky’s or Sourz with every alcoholic bevvy! 12pm–2am. Revenge Playground. School Disco with a twist. 10:30pm–3am, free to NUS and those in uniform/£3 others. The Basement Scene Queen. Night for scene staff and students. 11pm–4am, free.

Wednesday 25 Amsterdam Mid-week student Karaoke. 8pm, free. Charles Street Bar Mr & Mrs with Dave Lynn. A new spin on game shows. 10pm, free. Ghetto Transition. Rock, metal and 80s-tastic cheese! 10pm–2am, £2.50. Latest Music Bar Gay Tango. 7–8pm absolute beginners, 8–9.30pm improvers, 9.30–11pm practical/social dancing. From 7pm, £10. Legends Gabbi’s Bona Bingo. 9pm, free. Marlborough Bar & Theatre In-House Darts League. 8pm, £3 to enter. Queen’s Arms The Q Factor Grand Final. 12 contestants, a show biz panel of judges and £250 grand prize. Bar open 12pm–1am, free. R-Bar Rush99. A 99p rush bar!12pm–2am, free. Revenge Rush150. Dance and house. 10:30pm–3am, Free before 12am/NUS/£2 after Star Inn Charity Jukebox. Bar 12pm–11pm. The Basement Play. Uplifting house and dance anthems with DJ Lil’ Alex. 11pm–4am, free.

Thursday 26 Charles Street Bar Mad Cow. Cheap as Primark pants. 8pm–11pm, £1 Charles Street Club Religion. Two floors of funky house. 10pm–3am, £4/3 Ghetto HDSM. A night for the sexually hedonistic! Dirty sexy music. 10pm, £4/3 Legends Cabaret Lounge with Davina Sparkle. 9:30pm, free. Marlborough Bar & Theatre Open mic.Hosted by the comical Lucy Checkley, a busy night of music and comedy 9pm. Queen’s Arms Spice’s Nooks and Crannies! A Cabaret show with a difference. 9:30pm, free. R-Bar I Can’t Wait For The Weekend To Begin! Funked up, soulful and uplifting house from 9.30pm. Bar open 12pm–2am, free. Revenge Girls on Top Trashy chart hits and pop remixes. 10:30pm–4am, free b4 11:30 with passes, £4/5 after. The Basement Box. Boys Below. A men only night. DJ Phil Marriott plays a mix of chart hit remixes and dance anthems. 11pm–4am, free.

Legends Pre-Celebration. Pure Pop. 7pm, free. Marlborough Bar & Theatre Girl’s Night. 2 floors of mayhem with DJs. 9pm–2am, free. Queen’s Arms Camp Attack. Unlimited drinks wristbands: £20! 9pm, free. R-Bar Tops and Bottoms. Trash, pop and party tunes from Girls on Top. 12pm–2am Revenge Lollipop & Housexual. Pop tunes and funky vocal house upstairs. 10:30pm–5am, £7/5 The Basement Celebration with Dolly Rocket. Girly pop & handbag tracks. 11pm–4am, free

Saturday 28 Amsterdam Sun Downers. Enjoy the best beach house music in Brighton. 8pm–2am, free. Charles Street Club Notorious Party Slut. Pop trash mish-mash, soul, indie, disco and rarities from every decade. 10pm–3am, £5/3. Ghetto Wigout. A kitschy, cool night for the seriously unserious. 10pm, free b4 11. Legends Pre-Ignition. Ignition DJ sounds from 7pm plus bar and terrace open all day. 7pm. Marlborough Bar & Theatre Marly DJs. Guest DJs and live music. 9pm–2am, free. Queen’s Arms Karaoke Party with Kamp Kevin. Vocalists, comedians & drag (3:30–5:30pm). Bar open 12pm–12:30am, free. R-Bar Kinky Baby. Kinky Dangerous warm-up from 9pm with Dulcie Danger. 12pm–7am, free. Revenge Kinky Dangerous – Legends of Rock & Pop Party. 4 rocking DJs and 2 floors of Urban, pop and funky house. 10:30pm–4am, £7/3. Dulcie Danger The Basement Ignition. The funky house and chart remix sounds of DJ Peter Castle. 11pm–4am, free. The PV at The Jury’s Out Saturday Madness. Brighton duets from 4:30pm, then from 8:30pm DJs takes to the decks. Bar open 12pm, free.

Sunday 29 Amsterdam Sunday Lunch (12–5:30pm) and relaxing vibes with a twist from 8pm, free. Charles Street Bar Showtime. Miss Connie Conway hosts a night with the spellbinding Lady Imelda. 7:15pm, free. Ghetto Nervous Twitch. Fresh krunked up electro party, beware of the dog! 9pm, free. Legends Sunday Cabaret and Chill Out. With Maisie Trollette. 3:15pm, free. Marlborough Bar & Theatre Sunday Quiz. Food for the brain served up by resident Drag King, Jack Roquard. 7pm, free. Queen’s Arms Cabaret and Betty’s Karaoke. 12pm, free. The Basement Fever. Dripping in disco and pop remixes.11pm–4am, free.

Monday 30

Amsterdam Big Quiz. 7pm–11pm, £1 to enter. Charles Street Club Studio 150. DJs Luke and Ali spin the best party tracks with mammoth drinks promos. 10pm–2am, £1.50. Friday 27 Ghetto Frat Party. A chaotic mash-up of indie, Charles Street Bar Fairylea. Classic cheese, electro and credible. 10pm, free. trash and oldies dished. Bar open 11am. Legends Dave Lynn and Friends. A hysterical Charles Street Club Curiosity Lite. Pure night of cabaret, 9:30pm. Bar open unadulterated trashy disco pop, 11pm–5am. 10:30pm–3am, £5/4/3 NUS. Marlborough Trans Night. Ghetto Popstarz Night. Playin’ indie Hosted in conjunction with the recent and retro! 10pm, free b4 11. Clare Project. 8:30pm, free. Komedia DiningDykes and R-Bar Miss Jason’s Mad GayGirlNet.com birthday show and House. Cabaret night + Wii club. A fabulous evening of live zone + free pool! 10pm, free. music and comedy with Nicky The Basement Back to the Mitchell, Julie Jepson and Cat 80s and 90s. Nostalgic floorHarding, followed by club night with Nicky Mitchell fillers.11pm–4am, free. Dulcie Danger. 7:30pm, £13/5 club only.

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34 DANI | FILMS ON TV

latestTV

YOUR WEEKLY TV GUIDE Dani on TV

24 – 30 MARCH

She says it how she sees it

The Girls of the Playboy Mansion E! Sunday 10pm e are a celebrityobsessed nation, and our favourite celebrities to watch are those whose lives are so extraordinarily different from ours. It can’t really get much more different than the lives of Holly, Bridget and Kendra. They are the three girlfriends of Hugh Hefner (or were, the show has not caught up with the fact that they have now all moved out). Throughout the show you get to follow their lives and the happenings within the Mansion, you may wonder “why would I want to watch that” and the simple answer is, purely, just because you can. Men have the obvious advantage when watching this as there is rarely a moment when naked flesh isn’t on screen, but as a woman, I find it interesting because all of us at some point or another would have wondered how it works? Who sleeps where? Do they get on? And this is the show to answer all those questions. The girls are interviewed throughout the episodes, commenting on what was featured in that episode, and, which did take me by surprise, they are pretty honest about how it all happens and what they feel about the other girls in the house, (which is even better now as we know that it all went pear-shaped in the end). Holly is Hugh’s first girlfriend (I don’t really know what that means), Bridget is number two and Kendra is the youngest and third. It would be easy to think that these girls are silly and stupid, but they are actually quite intelligent in their own little ways. They all understand that their current lifestyle will not last forever and they have all used the foot up to help themselves build careers that have the ability to last long after the Mansion. I spend each episode feeling sorry for Holly, who, even though she realises it will never happen she still talks about marrying and having children with Hugh. Kendra is annoying and Bridget is the most easy going. But, the thing that surprised me most, is that when first hearing about the show and the three girls I and I am sure many others thought they must only be with him for his money. But the more I watch it the less true that seems. They all make their own livings, albeit by using their personas and the Playboy name, but they do not appear to rely completely on the pocket of Hugh, they all go to work nearly every day. If you fancy something a little different, this will never fail to raise a few eyebrows and perhaps right a few misconceptions.

Films on TV Top tips for your week of flicks WEDNESDAY 25

Heaven Can Wait ★★★★✩ (1978, Film4 5.15pm. Dir Warren Beatty and Buck Henry) Making his directorial debut with this, as well as writing, producing and starring in it is the very clever Warren Beatty. With a sparkle in his eye Beatty plays the American footballer who gets snapped up to heaven a tad too soon and dropped back into the temporary body of a recently murdered millionaire. Quirky.

FRIDAY 27

Date Movie ★★★✩✩ (2006, Channel 4, 10pm. Dir Aaron Seltzer) For those thoroughly enjoying the current plague of spoofs, here’s an early one sending up a plethora of date movies, including My Best Friend’s Wedding, Meet The Parents, The Wedding Planner and My Big Fat Greek Wedding, just to mention a few. Starring Buffy’s Alyson Hannigan.

SATURDAY 28

Brokeback Mountain ★★★★✩ (2005, Channel 4, 9.15pm. Dir Robert Altman) Oscar-winning Western. During a summer spent herding sheep in the

Rocky Mountains, a ranch hand and a rodeo rider develop a powerful bond which unexpectedly grows into love. When they return to their separate lives they are forced to hide their feelings from those around them, but the affair continues over many years.

SUNDAY 29 In The Company of Men ★★★✩✩ (1997, BBC1, 11pm. Dir Neil LaBute) Drama starring Aaron Eckhart, in which two thirty-something businessmen decide to take revenge for their broken relationships by choosing a vulnerable young deaf woman to date and dump. However, hate and love prove to be closer emotions than expected. Poised between black comedy and serious statement, this first feature from Neil LaBute aims to provoke as it takes a searching look at male insecurity and competitiveness.

MONDAY 30

This is Spinal Tap ★★★★★ (1984, ITV1, 11.35pm. Dir Robert Hamer) Satirical rockumentary following the ageing British heavy metal band Spinal Tap on the comeback trail as they promote their album Smell the Glove. Featuring many moments that have passed into rock legend, the hapless musicians set off on a tour that seems destined for disaster from the beginning.

This Is Spinal Tap

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tuesday 24 Heston’s Roman Feast Channel 4, 9pm Heston Blumenthal attempts a Roman feast this week. This includes pig nipple scratchings, calf’s brain custard, and a slowcooked hog filled with edible intestines. For pudding, Heston rolls out the ultimate naughty Roman dessert: an unusual ejaculating cake featuring white chocolate mousse. Blimmin ’eck!

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Five, 9pm Farewell Grissom, hello Langston. It’s testament to the respect this show holds to have its new lead vacancy picked up by Mr Matrix himself, Lawrence Fishburne. But enough. Langston is facing a steep learning curve on his first day as a CSI when an arson case turns into a homicide inquiry.

Battlestar Galactica: The Last Frakkin’ Special (x2) Sky 1, 9pm It’s the season and whole freakin’ series finale, as the odyssey comes to its fiery conclusion with Adama and his band of plucky volunteers embark upon their mission to rescue Hera. Followed by a look back at the whole award-winning series with interviews and excerpts galore.

terrestrial

sport

BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

Channel 4

Five

Sky Sports 1

6.00am Breakfast 9.15 Missing Live 10.00 Homes Under The Hammer 11.00 To Buy Or Not To Buy 11.30 Cash In The Attic 12.15pm Bargain Hunt 1.00 BBC News At One 1.30 South East Today 1.45 Doctors 2.15 Diagnosis Murder 3.00 BBC News 3.05 Mister Maker 3.25 ChuckleVision 3.40 Pinky And Perky 3.50 The Story Of Tracy Beaker 4.05 Hotel Trubble 4.35 Blue Peter 5.00 MySay 5.05 Newsround 5.15 The Weakest Link

6.00 – 9.00am Children’s television 9.00 Harry And Toto 9.15 Finley The Fire Engine 9.30 Louie 9.35 Louie 9.45 Bob The Builder: Project Build It 9.55 Pingu 10.00 Big Barn Farm 10.15 Charlie And Lola 10.30 In The Night Garden 11.00 Seasonal Snapshots 11.20 Telling Tales 11.25 Telling Tales 11.30 Hands Up! 11.45 Just So Darwin 12.00pm The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Britain’s Dream Homes 2.00 Animal Park 3.00 Murder, She Wrote 3.45 Flog It! 4.30 A Question Of Genius 5.15 Bargain Hunt Famous Finds 6.00 Eggheads 6.30 Priceless Antiques Roadshow Is it a fake or a real find? 7.00 Darwin’s Dangerous Idea In the final episode of the series, Andrew Marr discovers how Darwin’s ideas are helping mankind to save life on earth from extinction – the environmental movement was built upon his insight that all life on earth is connected. 8.00 Coast Series exploring the UK coastline. 9.00 Horizon: Why Can’t We Predict Earthquakes? Last century, earthquakes killed over one million, and it is predicted that this century might see ten times as many deaths. Yet, when an earthquake strikes, it always takes people by surprise. So why hasn’t science worked out how to predict when and where the next big quake is going to happen? 10.00 The Culture Show The final Culture Show of the series comes from the Whitechapel Art gallery in East London. After a 13-million-pound restoration, the Whitechapel is about to re-open. Andrew Graham-Dixon tells the story of the gallery that transformed the British art scene. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Best Of Later With Jools 2008 With TV On The Radio 12.20am High Altitude 12.50 British Style Genius 1.50 BBC News 4.00 GCSE Bitesize Revision

6.00am GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 This Morning 11.25 ITV News And Weather 11.30 This Morning 12.30pm Loose Women 1.30 ITV Lunchtime News And Weather 2.00 Dickinson’s Real Deal 3.00 The Alan Titchmarsh Show 4.00 A Touch Of Frost 5.00 Taste The Nation

6.00am Inuk 6.15 The Hoobs 6.40 Planet Cook 7.00 Freshly Squeezed 7.30 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.30 Frasier 9.00 Will And Grace 9.30 The Farm Revealed 9.55 KNTV Sex 10.30 World Of Difference 11.00 Hardeep Does Drinking 11.25 Mum’s Gone Gay 12.00pm News At Noon 12.30 Proud Parents: Toyah Willcox 12.40 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 1.45 FILM: The Gentle Sex (1943) 3.25 Countdown 4.15 Deal Or No Deal 5.00 The Paul O’Grady Show

6.00 – 9.00am Children’s television 9.00 Roary The Racing Car 9.15 The Wright Stuff 10.45 Trisha Goddard 11.45 I Own Britain’s Best Home 12.45pm Five News 12.55 Wordplay 1.45 Neighbours 2.15 Home And Away 2.50 Wordplay Plus 3.10 FILM: Love’s Unfolding Dream (2007) 5.00 Five News With Natasha Kaplinsky 5.30 Neighbours

6.00 Meridian Tonight 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Zak’s plan has an unexpected effect on Bob’s business – when Aaron gets involved. 8.00 New Homes From Hell 2009 This episode looks at the first time buyers whose attempts at getting on to the property ladder have not been happy experiences. Two words: proper survey. 9.00 Holloway A profile of Holloway Prison’s new generation of jailbirds. These are the increasingly violent young women locked up for fighting with their fists or armed with bottles and knives. A home away from home, with all the pros and many cons that go with it. Fascinating insight. 10.00 News At Ten; Weather 10.35 Confessions This programme investigates what being a flight attendant is really like. Expect a few surprises – from what could happen to you if you fancy joining the Mile High Club, to what could happen to your food if you do not treat your attendants with respect. More than just a trolley dolly, love. 11.05 Police, Camera, Action! Another selection of police videos. 11.35 Guinness Premiership Rugby 12.25am Nightwatch With Steve Scott 1.20 Loose Women 2.10 The Jeremy Kyle Show 3.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Morning News

6.00 The Simpsons 6.30 Hollyoaks Nancy is still torn between Ravi and Kris, and so decides to be with both of them. And both of them are happy with this then? Hmmm. 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 3 Minute Wonder 8.00 Supersize Vs Superskinny Dr Christian Jessen catches up with Darryl from Derbyshire who was a hefty 33 stone, London mum Yasmin, who hoped to gain more curves and boost her energy, jazz singer Sandra and seven-stone Tatiana from Brighton, who hated her skinny body. 9.00 Heston’s Roman Feast See highlights. 10.00 Shameless Gritty comedy. Following Shane’s accident, no one is sure if he will ever be the same again after he is left partially paralysed. 11.05 The Big Bang Theory US sitcom. Leonard seeks Penny’s advice when his relationship with Stephanie takes off faster than he’d like. 11.35 My Name Is Earl Randy and Earl have to catch Frank, who went on the run after Randy took the prisoners for ice cream. Lovely. 12.05am Party Poker: Premier League Poker 1.00 4Sport: English Weightlifting 1.30 Destination 2012 2.30 Red Bull Air Race 2008 3.30 British Triathlon Grand Prix 2008 4.00 The Blue Dragon (x5) 5.15 Music Search 5.30 Making It (x6)

6.00 Home And Away Roman and Leah try bring Kirsty and Miles back together. Meddling kids. Scooby Doo would love ‘em. 6.30 Monkey Life Series following the residents of Dorset’s Monkey World Ape Rescue Centre. 7.00 Five News At 7 7.30 Highland Emergency Documentary series following the work of the emergency services in the Highlands of Scotland. 8.00 The Lion Cub From Harrods Documentary telling the story of John Rendall and Ace Bourke who bought a lion cub from Harrods in 1969, before hand-rearing the animal at their club on the Kings Road in Chelsea. As you do. In 1971, they flew to Kenya to release the lion, whom they named Christian. Irony not missing for these two. 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation See highlights. 10.00 CSI: Miami Crime drama. An 18-year-old is murdered in a hotel elevator while on vacation with his parents, leading Horatio to suspect that the victim was killed at random as part of a gang initiation. 11.00 CSI: NY New York-based spinoff. Stella takes on the case of a pregnant counsellor found dead near the church where she worked. 12.00am The Shield 1.00 NBA Basketball (x2) 5.10 Neighbours 5.35 Home And Away

6.00am Good Morning Sports Fans 6.30 Good Morning Sports Fans 7.00 Good Morning Sports Fans 8.00 Good Morning Sports Fans 9.00 Big League Weekend 10.30 Soccer AM: The Best Bits 11.30 Extra Time 12.00pm UEFA Champions League Weekly 12.30 Soccer AM: The Best Bits 1.30 Big League Weekend 3.00 UEFA Champions League Weekly 3.30 Soccer AM: The Best Bits 4.30 Big League Weekend 6.00 UEFA Champions League Weekly 6.30 Football Asia 7.00 Revista De La Liga 8.00 LIVE Boxing: Prizefighter 11.00 Revista De La Liga 12.00am Football Asia 12.30 Motor Racing: Mowlem’s Racing Travels 1.00 Boxing: Prizefighter 4.00 Revista De La Liga 5.00 Golf

6.00 BBC News At Six 6.30 South East Today 7.00 The One Show 7.30 EastEnders Patrick finally opens up to Tommy. Because Tommy has been so trustworthy and up front up until now. Not! 8.00 Holby City Ric has to deal with the fallout of a VIP patient’s death, while his expansion of the zero tolerance policy unexpectedly backfires. Hoisted by his own petard. What’s a petard? 9.00 Mistresses Drama series about the lives of four female friends. Katie is once again resigned to the single life now that Dan knows about her affair with Jack, who begs Dan not to tell Megan, his wife, about the affair. But when Megan witnesses the pair fighting, Megan looks to Katie for answers. Do these people not know anyone else?! 10.00 BBC News At Ten 10.25 South East Today 10.35 The Planners Are Coming Investigating the trend of gardengrabbing, where developers, realising that land is in short supply, look for large gardens that they can build on. 11.05 Film 2009 With Jonathan Ross Reviews, news and interviews. 11.35 Damages American drama. 12.15am Weatherview 12.20 Sign Zone: See Hear 12.50 Who Do You Think You Are? 1.50 MasterChef (x3) 3.20 Axe The Agent? 4.20 BBC News

Sky Sports 2 6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 Powder Adventures 7.00 WWE Afterburn 8.00 Soccer AM: The Best Bits 9.00 Golf 10.00 Poker 12.00pm British Rally Championship 12.30 NASCAR 3.00 Trilby Golf Tour 5.00 NFL: Total Access 6.00 Powder Adventures 6.30 European Seniors Tour Golf 7.30 LIVE Greyhound Racing 10.00 Poker 11.00 NFL: Total Access 12.00am Sports Unlimited 1.00 Revista De La Liga 2.00 Football Asia 2.30 European Seniors Tour Golf 3.30 Close

Sky Sports 3 11.00am Racing News 11.30 Trilby Golf Tour 1.30pm Golf 2.30 Extra Time 3.00 Poker 5.00 WWE Smackdown 7.00 Pool: World Cup Of Pool 8.00 Sports Unlimited 9.00 Revista De La Liga 10.00 Pool: World Cup Of Pool 11.00 European Seniors Tour Golf 12.00am Trilby Golf Tour 2.00 Poker: Million $ Cash Game 3.00 Close

Victoria Nangle

extraterrestrial Sky1

BBC3

BBC4

ITV2

ITV3

More4

Living

1.00pm Tim Gunn’s Guide To Style 2.00 Bones 3.00 Cold Case 4.00 Oops TV 4.30 Malcolm In The Middle (x2) 5.30 Futurama (x2) 6.30 Oops TV 7.00 The Simpsons (x2) 8.00 A Town Called Eureka 9.00 Battlestar Galactica (x2) The Last Frakkin’ Special. See highlights. 11.50 Lost 12.50am Road Wars (x2)

7.00pm Doctor Who 7.45 The Real Hustle 8.00 Freaky Eaters 9.00 Gary: Young, Psychic And Possessed 10.00 EastEnders 10.30 Horne And Corden 11.00 Family Guy (x2) 11.45 Gary: Young, Psychic And Possessed 12.45am Freaky Eaters 1.40 Horne And Corden 2.10 Natalie Cassidy’s Real Britain

7.00pm World News Today 7.30 Coal House At War 8.00 Darwin’s Struggle: The Evolution Of The Origin Of Species 9.00 Early Doors 9.30 I’ve Never Seen Star Wars 10.00 Mad Men 10.50 Law And Order 12.10am The Real Life On Mars 1.10 Darwin’s Struggle: The Evolution Of The Origin Of Species

1.00pm Emmerdale 1.30 The Jeremy Kyle Show (x2) 3.50 Sugababes: The Hot Desk 4.00 Loose Women 5.00 The Ricki Lake Show 5.50 Sally Jessy Raphael 6.35 Judge Judy 7.00 Primeval 8.00 Kids Do The Funniest Things 9.00 Coleen’s Real Women 10.00 FILM: Notting Hill (1999) 12.35am FM

12.50pm Heartbeat 1.55 Ballykissangel 3.00 The Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes 4.05 The Ruth Rendell Mysteries: Vanity Dies Hard 5.15 Goodnight Sweetheart 5.55 Heartbeat 6.55 Ballykissangel 8.00 Agatha Christie’s Marple 10.00 Ladies Of Letters 10.30 Heartless 12.05am Wycliffe

12.45pm Scrubs 1.15 Scrubs 1.40 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 2.35 One Tree Hill 3.30 Gilmore Girls 4.25 Hollyoaks 5.00 Friends (x2) 6.00 Scrubs (x2) 7.00 Hollyoaks 7.30 My Name Is Earl 8.00 Friends (x2) 9.00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years (x2) 11.00 Shameless 12.10am Skins

2.30pm The Coach Trip 3.00 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4.00 How Clean Is Your House? (x2) 5.05 Relocation, Relocation 6.05 Deal Or No Deal 6.55 Grand Designs 8.00 News 8.30 Unreported World 9.00 Come Dine With Me 10.00 True Stories 12.00am In The Edges: The Grizzly Man Sessions

12.00pm Maury (x2) 1.50 The Fix 2.00 Nothing To Declare 2.30 Passport Patrol 3.00 Criminal Minds 4.00 Charmed (x2) 6.00 America’s Next Top Model 7.00 Home Video Heroes (x2) 8.00 America’s Next Top Model 9.00 New Living With The Dead 10.00 Ghost Whisperer 11.00 CSI 12.00am Criminal Minds

G.O.L.D.

Paramount

Discovery

Sci Fi

Sky Movies

Film4

TCM

5.00pm Keeping Up Appearances 5.40 The Fall And Rise Of Reginald Perrin 6.20 Last Of The Summer Wine (x2) 7.40 Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads? 8.20 My Family 9.00 Only Fools And Horses 10.20 Steptoe And Son 11.00 The Fast Show 11.40 The New Statesman 12.15am Steptoe And Son

2.00pm The Office: An American Workplace (x2) 3.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 4.00 The King Of Queens (x2) 5.00 Everybody Loves Raymond (x2) 6.00 Frasier (x2) 7.00 Scrubs (x2) 8.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 9.00 South Park 9.30 Scrubs 10.00 Sex And The City (x2) 11.10 Scrubs (x2) 12.10am South Park

12.00pm Time Team 1.00 Forensic Detectives 2.00 Crime Scene USA (x2) 3.00 Deadliest Catch 4.00 Time Team 5.00 Mythbusters 6.00 American Chopper 7.00 How Do They Do It? 7.30 How Stuff’s Made 8.00 Storm Chasers (x2) 10.00 Colossal Squid 11.00 Extreme Forensics 12.00am Crime Scene USA: (x2)

11.00am 3rd Rock From The Sun (x2) 12.00pm Star Trek 1.00 The Invisible Man 2.00 Angel 3.00 FILM: Sub Zero (2005) 5.00 Quantum Leap 6.00 The Invisible Man 7.00 Angel 8.00 FILM: Hell’s Rain (2007) 9.50 FILM: Derailed (2002) 11.30 FILM: Kaw (2007) 1.20am Ghost Stories 2.00 3rd Rock From The Sun (x2)

1.20pm Lover Come Back (1961) 3.20 The Great Moment (1944) 4.45 The Movie Geek 5.15 Here Come The Waves (1944) 7.00 The Spy Who Came In From The Cold (1965) 9.00 Tell Them Willie Boy Is Here (1969) 10.40 Dante’s Inferno (1935) 12.15am Lover Come Back (1961)

9.00am Factory Girl (2006) 10.45 Mumford (1999) 12.45pm Raising Arizona (1987) 2.30 The Singer (2006) 4.25 Factory Girl (2006) 6.10 Mumford (1999) 8.10 The Good German (2005) 10.00 Requiem For A Dream (2000) 11.45 Across The Universe (2007) 2.00am Hana-Bi (1997)

1.00pm Blanche Fury (1948) 2.50 The Sheriff Of Fractured Jaw (1958) 4.55 Heaven Can Wait (1943) 7.10 The Man Who Knew Too Little (1997) 9.00 The X Files (1998) Fox and Mulder are on the case, but it’s a very convoluted case so concentrate. 11.20 Blade II (2002) 1.30am La Antena (2007)

9.05am The Asphalt Jungle (1950) 11.10 Gunfight At Comanche Creek (1964) 1.00pm Assignment To Kill (1969) 3.00 The FBI Story (1959) 5.50 Kansas Pacific (1953) 7.10 Hooper (1978) 9.00 Badlands (1973) 10.45 Dangerous Liaisons (1988) 1.05am Badlands (1973) 2.50 The Screening Room

Classics

Indie

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wednesday 25 The Apprentice BBC1, 9pm It’s back! After entertaining us no end with its brief Red Nose stint, The Apprentice proper returns once more with Sir Alan Sugar conducting his twelve week interview process with sixteen fresh young hopefuls. Each of them will be blissfully unaware of their arrogance, pomposity and likelihood to fail. Class telly.

Interview With A Cannibal Five, 10pm In 2002 German cannibal Armin Meiwes ignited hot debate the world over when he was convicted of manslaughter for killing and eating another man, who allegedly agreed to this over the internet. No swapping Tomb Raider cheats in this chat room. This explores the case and interviews the bizarre Meiwes.

Primeval ITV2, 7pm Another chance to catch the ‘monsters from another time and dimension turning up in ours’ show. This week a young girl follows her dog through an anomoly and finds herself in a desert land with giant Silurian scorpions after her. Possible influence by 90s B-movie Tremors here, but just as fun regardless.

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BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

Channel 4

Five

Sky Sports 1

6.00am Breakfast 9.15 Missing Live 10.00 Homes Under The Hammer 11.00 To Buy Or Not To Buy 11.30 Cash In The Attic 12.15pm Bargain Hunt 1.00 BBC News At One 1.30 South East Today 1.45 Doctors 2.15 Diagnosis Murder 3.00 BBC News 3.05 Mister Maker 3.25 ChuckleVision 3.40 Pinky And Perky 3.50 The Story Of Tracy Beaker 4.05 Gastronuts 4.35 Blue Peter 5.00 MySay 5.05 Newsround 5.15 The Weakest Link

6.00am Tikkabilla 6.30 Our Planet 6.40 Big Cook Little Cook 7.00 Arthur 7.25 Newsround 7.30 Roar 8.30 Pinky Dinky Doo 8.45 Jackanory Junior 9.00 Harry And Toto 9.15 Finley The Fire Engine 9.30 Louie 9.35 Louie 9.45 Bob The Builder: Project Build It 9.55 Pingu 10.00 Big Barn Farm 10.15 Charlie And Lola 10.30 In The Night Garden 11.00 Wildlife On Two 11.30 The Daily Politics 1.00pm See Hear 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 Animal Park 3.00 Murder, She Wrote 3.45 Flog It! 4.30 A Question Of Genius 5.15 Bargain Hunt Famous Finds 6.00 Eggheads Dermot Murnaghan hosts the quiz show. 6.30 Priceless Antiques Roadshow The team remember some of the most moving discoveries in the 32-year history of the series. 7.00 Cycling: World Track Championships Gabby Logan presents coverage from Poland, as the Great British team look to continue their domination in the velodrome. Sounds very sci-fi. 8.00 Orangutan Diary Steve Leonard and Michaela Strachan introduce stories from the world’s biggest ape rescue centre. 9.00 Alan Whicker’s Journey Of A Lifetime Alan Whicker travels the world on a journey reflecting his varied career. In this first episode, Whicker revisits Venice to retrace his steps from war to peace. 10.00 The Apprentice: You’re Fired Companion discussion show to the Apprentice, with Adrian Chiles. The show of shame. 10.30 Newsnight In-depth investigation and analysis of the stories behind the day’s headlines with Gavin Esler. 11.20 Cycling: World Track Championship Highlights Gabby Logan introduces highlights from the Pruszkov velodrome in Poland. 12.00am Mad Men 12.50 British Style Genius 1.50 BBC News 4.00 GCSE Bitesize Revision

6.00am Inuk 6.15 The Hoobs 6.40 Planet Cook 7.00 Freshly Squeezed 7.30 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.30 Frasier 9.00 Will And Grace 9.30 The Farm Revealed 9.55 KNTV Sex 10.30 Life Stuff: World Of Difference 11.00 King Midas’ Feast 12.00pm News At Noon 12.30 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 1.30 FILM: Love Is A Many Splendored Thing (1955) 3.25 Countdown 4.15 Deal Or No Deal 5.00 The Paul O’Grady Show

6.00 – 8.00am Children’s television 8.00 Fifi And The Flowertots 8.10 Milkshake! Show Songs 8.15 Peppa Pig 8.25 Thomas & Friends 8.35 Pocoyo 8.45 Mio Mao 8.50 Play! 8.58 Little Lodgers 9.00 Roary The Racing Car 9.15 The Wright Stuff 10.45 Trisha Goddard 11.45 I Own Britain’s Best Home 12.45pm Five News 12.55 Wordplay 1.45 Neighbours 2.15 Home And Away 2.50 Wordplay Plus 3.10 FILM: The Royal Scandal (2001) 5.00 Five News With Natasha Kaplinsky 5.30 Neighbours

6.00am Good Morning Sports Fans 6.30 Good Morning Sports Fans 7.00 Good Morning Sports Fans 8.00 Good Morning Sports Fans 9.00 Football Asia 9.30 Airsports World 10.00 Boxing: Prizefighter 1.00pm Revista De La Liga 2.00 Golf 3.00 Boxing: Prizefighter 6.00 Boots ‘n’ All 7.00 LIVE Masters Football: Home Nations 10.00 LIVE Test Cricket 2.00am LIVE Test Cricket 5.00 FIFA Futbol Mundial 5.30 FIFA Futbol Mundial

6.00 Meridian Tonight 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Andy is troubled by Debbie’s cool determination to get Sarah back. Heh heh. 7.30 Coronation Street Simon is frightened by his father’s behaviour. Ah – but Simon’s taken over as the sweetest kid on the telly ever since Chesney grew up into a sweet teenager. So cute! 8.00 The Bill Callum and Leon are called out to a burglary but are surprised when the victim later calls to say that her goods have been returned. A lending library-style robbery? New concept. 9.00 Taggart Zbigniew Lisowski, a Polish migrant, is found shot at the building site where he worked as a security guard. Hours later, the body of receptionist Kate Booth is found – with strikingly similar gunshot wounds. The guys get on the case. 10.00 News At Ten; Weather 10.35 Clough Doc looking at the life and legacy of Brian Clough, following his career, examining the interest in one of the most charismatic football managers of all time. 11.50 Nightwatch With Steve Scott 12.45am The Big Tackle With Austin Healey 1.40 Loose Women 2.30 The Jeremy Kyle Show 3.20 Kevin Whately On Dementia: Tonight 3.45 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV News

6.00 The Simpsons 6.30 Hollyoaks Much to Ste’s fury, Justin decides the only way to get some cash together is to sell the games console. Needs must, old chap. Oh, you have anger issues? Ah. 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 3 Minute Wonder 8.00 Relocation, Relocation Property series. Kirsty Allsopp and Phil Spencer catch up with mother and daughter duo Sarah and Gill Currie, who bought a rural pub business. 9.00 Grand Designs Kevin McCloud revisits Kelly and Masoko Neville who, three years ago, set about building a hexagonal straw-baled house with an interior inspired by Tolkein’s Hobbit. Tall bloke Kev. Hobbits have low doorways. Impasse? 10.00 Desperate Housewives US drama series set in suburbia. Gaby joins Edie’s boot camp. 11.05 Girls Aloud: Video Exclusive 11.10 Shameless Gritty comedy drama. Repeat of Tuesday’s episode. 12.10am 4 Music: The Shockwaves Album Chart Show 12.45 4 Music: 4Play: Filthy Dukes 1.00 The Shockwaves Album Chart Show 1.35 Rockfeedback 2.05 Britain’s Conjoined Twins: Hope And Faith 3.05 Hill Street Blues 3.55 Time Team 4.50 Countdown 5.35 Inuk 5.50 The Hoobs

6.00 BBC News At Six 6.30 South East Today 7.00 The One Show 7.30 Inside Out England Highlights from the regional current affairs programme. Heather Mills helps a three-year-old disabled girl who is about to become the youngest person ever to be given electronic hands. Sci-fi seems to be getting closer to tomorrow by the day. 8.00 Waterloo Road Drama series. A visit from Grace’s uncle brings blackmail and danger for Kim, and things are hotting up between Rachel and Eddie. Not in a ‘trapped in an oven’ kind of a way though. 9.00 The Apprentice See highlights. 10.00 BBC News At Ten 10.25 South East Today 10.35 The National Lottery Draws Danny Wallace is live from Lottery HQ with the Thunderball, Dream Number and Lotto draws. Great conversationalists, all of them. 10.45 FILM: Derailed (2005) Starring Clive Owen, Jennifer Aniston, Vincent Cassel. Tense thriller in which two people who meet on a train begin an affair and are discovered by a violent thief who blackmails the pair with the threat of revealing their adultery. 12.25am Weatherview 12.30 Sign Zone: Make Me Stay Awake 1.10 Oz And James Drink To Britain 1.40 MasterChef 2.40 Savile Row 3.40 The Genius Of Photography 4.40 News

6.00 Home And Away Trey causes problems between Geoff and Nicole. Martha struggles to say goodbye to Jack. Summer Bay might be about to gain a few more singletons. 6.30 Monkey Life Series following the residents of Dorset’s Monkey World Ape Rescue Centre. 7.00 Five News At 7 7.30 Hero Animals This edition revisits the scene of the 2004 Boxing Day Tsunami in Phuket, where a baby elephant staged a remarkable rescue. 8.00 Ice Road Truckers Documentary series examining the dangerous job of driving trucks on Canada’s notorious ice highways. The biggest load of the season gets stuck when a hole appears in the road. 9.00 Extraordinary People: Tree Man – The Cure Dede is an Indonesian fisherman afflicted with tree-like growths on his limbs. A doctor in America has proposed a non-invasive treatment to cure Dede’s condition, but time is running out as medics in Indonesia press ahead with radical surgery. Time to wince. 10.00 Interview With A Cannibal See highlights. 11.05 Police Interceptors Documentary series. 12.05am PartyPoker.com Poker Den: Big Game III 1.35 Seniors Golf 2.25 Motorsport Mundial 3.15 NHL Ice Hockey 5.10 Neighbours 5.35

Sky Sports 2 6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 Powder Adventures 7.00 WWE Vintage Collection 8.00 Revista De La Liga 9.00 Powder Adventures 9.30 Pool: World Cup Of Pool 10.30 Poker: Million $ Cash Game 11.30 Airsports World 12.00pm Trilby Golf Tour 2.00 Sports Unlimited 3.00 Poker: Million $ Cash Game 4.00 Revista De La Liga 5.00 NFL: Total Access 6.00 European Tour Weekly 6.30 Licence To Le Mans 7.00 Netball 9.00 Total Rugby 9.30 FIFA Futbol Mundial 10.00 Boots ‘n’ All 11.00 NFL: Total Access 12.00am FIFA Futbol Mundial 12.30 Masters Football: Home Nations Masters 3.30 Poker: Million $ Cash Game 4.30 Close

Sky Sports 3 8.00am Trilby Golf Tour 10.00 European Seniors Tour Golf 11.00 Racing News 11.30 Aerobics: Oz Style 12.00pm Sports Unlimited 1.00 Poker: Million $ Cash Game 2.00 Powder Adventures 2.30 Airsports World 3.00 Pool: World Cup Of Pool 4.00 Sports Unlimited 5.00 WWE The Bottom Line 6.00 WWE Afterburn 7.00 Trans World Sport 8.00 Boots N All Special 9.00 Powder Adventures 9.30 European Tour Weekly 10.00 Trans World Sport 11.00 Netball 1.00am Boots ‘n’ All 2.00 World Hockey Monthly 2.30 Close

Victoria Nangle

extraterrestrial Sky1

BBC3

BBC4

ITV2

ITV3

More4

Living

12.00pm Project Runway 1.00 Tim Gunn’s Guide To Style 2.00 Bones 3.00 Cold Case 4.00 Oops TV 4.30 Malcolm In The Middle (x2) 5.30 Futurama (x2) 6.30 Oops TV 7.00 The Simpsons (x2) 8.00 Project Runway 9.00 FILM: The Siege (1998) 11.15 Fringe 12.25am Road Wars (x2) 2.15 Stargate SG-1 (x2)

7.00pm Freaky Eaters 8.00 The Real Hustle (x2) 9.00 FILM: Firewall (2006) 10.40 Horne And Corden 11.10 Family Guy (x2) 11.55 Snog Marry Avoid? 12.25am Freaky Eaters 1.25 Natalie Cassidy’s Real Britain 2.25 Horne And Corden 2.55 Snog Marry Avoid? 3.25 Gary: Young, Psychic And Possessed

7.00pm News 7.30 Britain’s Best Drives 8.00 Secret Wilderness – Japan 8.10 Private Life Of A Masterpiece 9.00 Baroque! – From St Peter’s To St Paul’s 10.00 Britain’s Best Drives 10.30 Newswipe 11.00 I’ve Never Seen Star Wars 11.30 Baroque! – From St Peter’s To St Paul’s 12.35am Proms On Four

3.50pm Johnny Vegas: The Hot Desk 4.00 Loose Women 5.00 The Ricki Lake Show 5.50 Sally Jessy Raphael 6.35 Judge Judy 7.00 Primeval. See highlights. 8.00 New Homes From Hell 2009 9.00 Gossip Girl 10.00 Celebrity Juice 10.30 FM 11.00 Coronation Street 11.30 FILM: The Ex (2006)

3.00pm Sherlock Holmes 4.05 The Ruth Rendell Mysteries: Vanity Dies Hard 5.15 Goodnight Sweetheart 5.50 Heartbeat 6.50 Ballykissangel 8.00 Monarch Of The Glen 9.00 Ladies Of Letters 9.30 Rising Damp 10.00 PD James: An Unsuitable Job For A Woman 12.15am Numb3rs 1.10 Wycliffe

12.40pm Scrubs (x2) 1.40 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 2.35 One Tree Hill 3.30 Gilmore Girls 4.25 Hollyoaks 4.55 Friends (x2) 6.00 Scrubs (x2) 7.00 Hollyoaks 7.30 My Name Is Earl 8.00 Friends (x2) 9.00 FILM: Down To You (2000) 11.00 Skins 12.05am Russell Brand’s Ponderland (x2) 1.10 Scrubs (x2)

4.00pm How Clean Is Your House? (x2) 5.05 Relocation, Relocation 6.05 Deal Or No Deal 7.00 Grand Designs 8.00 News 8.30 Unreported World 9.00 Dispatches 10.00 Father Ted 10.35 The IT Crowd 11.05 TV Heaven, Telly Hell 11.40 Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares 12.40am The IT Crowd 1.10 TV Heaven, Telly Hell

12.00pm Maury (x2) 1.50 The Fix 2.00 Nothing To Declare 2.30 Passport Patrol 3.00 Criminal Minds 4.00 Charmed (x2) 6.00 America’s Next Top Model 7.00 Home Video Heroes (x2) 8.00 Grey’s Anatomy 9.00 Rehab 10.00 CSI: Miami 11.00 CSI 12.00am Criminal Minds 1.00 Charmed 2.00 Rehab

G.O.L.D.

Paramount

Discovery

Sci Fi

Sky Movies

Film4

TCM

2.00pm The Office: An American Workplace (x2) 3.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 4.00 The King Of Queens (x2) 5.00 Everybody Loves Raymond (x2) 6.00 Frasier (x2) 7.00 Scrubs (x2) 8.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 9.00 Scrubs (x2) 10.00 Sex And The City (x2) 11.10 Scrubs (x4) 1.10am Frasier (x2) 2.10 World Stands Up

2.00pm Crime Scene USA (x2) 3.00 Deadliest Catch 4.00 Time Team 5.00 Mythbusters 6.00 American Chopper 7.00 How Do They Do It? 7.30 How Stuff’s Made 8.00 Destroyed In Seconds (x2) 9.00 Crime Museum UK (x2) 10.00 Prison Boot Camp 11.00 Extreme Forensics 12.00am Crime Scene USA (x2)

11.00am 3rd Rock From The Sun (x2) 12.00pm Star Trek 1.00 The Invisible Man 2.00 Angel 3.00 FILM: Hell’s Rain (2007) 5.00 Quantum Leap 6.00 The Invisible Man 7.00 Angel 8.00 FILM: Force Of Impact (2005) 9.40 FILM: Edward Scissorhands (1990) 11.40 FILM: Godsend (2004) 2.00am 3rd Rock From The Sun (x2)

10.20am The Adventures Of Robin Hood (1938) 12.05pm Cool Hand Luke (1967) 2.15 Teacher’s Pet (1958) 4.15 Romeo And Juliet (1968) 6.35 Sweet Charity (1969) 9.00 Father Goose (1964) 11.00 The Adventures Of Robin Hood (1938) 12.45am Cool Hand Luke (1967)

9.00am An Inconvenient Truth (2006) 10.45 Schultze Gets The Blues (2003) 12.45pm Clerks II (2006) 2.25 The General (1998) 4.30 Days Of Glory (2005) 6.40 An Inconvenient Truth (2006) 8.20 Clerks II (2006) 10.00 Southland Tales (2006) 12.40am Quadrophenia (1979)

1.00pm Let’s Make Love (1960) 3.25 Never Love A Stranger (1958) 5.15 Heaven Can Wait (1978) 7.15 Addams Family Values (1993) 9.00 Fantastic Four (2005) Superheroes save the day. Hurrah! 11.00 24 Hour Party People (2001) 1.15am Conquest Of The Planet Of The Apes (1972)

9.05am The Postman Always Rings Twice (1946) 11.10 Soldier In The Rain (1963) 12.55pm Any Wednesday (1966) 3.00 The Story Of Mankind (1957) 5.00 Bye Bye Braverman (1968) 6.55 Best Friends (1982) 9.00 Selena (1997) 11.20 Friday The 13th (1980) 1.10am Selena (1997) 3.20 Friday The 13th (1980)

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thursday 26 The Truth About Super Skinny Pregnancies ITV1, 9pm Louise Redknapp is preggers, and as such is having a look around at the media’s current preoccupation with up-the-duff celebs and their fashion to stay thin during pregnancy and ‘bounce back’ into shape soon after. Healthy or child abuse or somewhere in-between? Find out.

The Mentalist Five, 9pm Not an un-PC title about an illtempered person, but a new drama focussing on one of those people who reads every little nuance of body language, intonation of voice and disapproving look. Former celebrity psychic Patrick works for The Man kicking off the series investigating a double murder.

Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps BBC3, 10.30pm Back for an eighth series and showing no signs of stopping, even Donna can’t resist returning to Runcorn. Back for a visit, she’s full of stories about her new boyfriend Wesley Presley, although Janet is less than believing. Meanwhile Louise is struggling with single mumdom.

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6.00am Breakfast 9.15 Missing Live 10.00 Homes Under The Hammer 11.00 To Buy Or Not To Buy 11.30 Cash In The Attic 12.15pm Bargain Hunt 1.00 BBC News At One 1.30 South East Today 1.45 Doctors 2.15 Diagnosis Murder 3.00 BBC News 3.05 Mister Maker 3.25 ChuckleVision 3.40 Pinky And Perky 3.50 The Story Of Tracy Beaker 4.05 Runaway 4.35 Little Howard’s Big Question 5.05 Newsround 5.15 The Weakest Link

6.00 – 10.00am Children’s television 10.00 Big Barn Farm 10.15 Charlie And Lola 10.30 In The Night Garden 11.00 The Maths Channel 11.10 Primary Geography 11.30 Something Special 11.45 Barnaby Bear 12.00pm The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Figure Skating: World Championship Highlights 2.00 Britain’s Dream Homes 3.00 Murder, She Wrote 3.45 Flog It! 4.30 A Question Of Genius 5.15 Bargain Hunt Famous Finds

6.15am The Hoobs 6.40 Planet Cook 7.00 Freshly Squeezed 7.30 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.30 Frasier 9.00 Will And Grace 9.30 The Farm Revealed 9.55 KNTV Sex 10.30 Elizabeth’s Pirates 12.00pm News At Noon 12.30 3 Minute Wonder: Motorway Story 12.35 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 1.40 FILM: Invitation To A Gunfighter (1964) 3.25 Countdown 4.15 Deal Or No Deal 5.00 The Paul O’Grady Show

6.00 – 9.00am Children’s television 9.00 Roary The Racing Car 9.15 The Wright Stuff 10.45 Trisha Goddard 11.45 I Own Britain’s Best Home 2008: The Final 12.45pm Five News 12.55 Wordplay 1.45 Neighbours 2.15 Home And Away 2.50 Wordplay Plus 3.10 FILM: The Bookfair Murders (2000) 5.00 Five News With Natasha Kaplinsky 5.30 Neighbours

6.00am Good Morning Sports Fans 6.30 Good Morning Sports Fans 7.00 Good Morning Sports Fans 8.00 Good Morning Sports Fans 9.00 Test Cricket 11.00 LIVE European Tour Golf 1.00pm Total Rugby 1.30 Test Cricket 3.30 LIVE European Tour Golf 5.30 FIFA Futbol Mundial 6.00 Barclays Premier League World 6.30 LIVE Premier League Darts 10.00 LIVE Test Cricket 2.00am LIVE Test Cricket 5.00 Barclays Premier League World 5.30 Powder Adventures

6.00 BBC News At Six 6.30 South East Today 7.00 The One Show 7.30 EastEnders Janine discovers Ricky and Bianca’s secret. Watch her rub her hands together in glee in true pantomime villain style. 8.00 Rogue Traders In this hour-long special, Matt Allwright and sidekick Dan Penteado reveal how their investigation into a rogue damp proofing company led to the successful prosecution of a ruthless criminal gang who had been ripping off the elderly for millions of pounds. 8.30 Traffic Cops The traffic cops have an identity crisis on their hands as they come across crimes and accidents involving people who aren’t who they claim to be. 9.00 The Hottest Place On Earth Experts and explorers investigate the incredible geology of the Danakil desert in Northern Ethiopia to find out how the people and their animals survive in the hottest place on earth. 10.00 BBC News At Ten 10.25 South East Today 10.35 Question Time David Dimbleby chairs the political debate from Newcastle. 11.35 This Week A political review of the week. 12.20am Skiing Weatherview 12.25 Sign Zone: Panorama 12.55 Watchdog 1.25 Countryfile 2.20 The Genius Of Photography(x2) 4.20 News

6.00 Eggheads It’s quiz-time! 6.30 Priceless Antiques Roadshow Should the Antiques Roadshow team appraise modern items? The specialists are divided. 7.00 Cycling: World Track Championships Further coverage. 8.00 Natural World In the flooded forests of the Peruvian Amazon lives one of the rarest and most mysterious primates, the red-faced Uakari monkey. Locals call them English monkeys because of their resemblance to sunburnt visitors. How rude! 8.50 The Rabbits Of Skomer Documentary about the wild rabbits which live on sea cliffs. 9.00 Oil Spill – The Exxon Valdez Disaster Just after midnight on Good Friday 1989, the giant supertanker Exxon Valdez ran aground on Bligh Reef to create one of the biggest man-made ecological disasters of the 20th century. This documentary retraces the errors that led to the disaster and investigates. 10.00 The Graham Norton Show Graham is joined the star of High School Musical Zac Efron. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Cycling: World Track Championship Highlights 12.00am The Apprentice 1.00 The Apprentice: You’re Fired 1.40 British Style Genius 2.40 BBC News 4.00 GCSE Bitesize Revision

6.00 Meridian Tonight 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Debbie is devastated when Jasmine tells her they can never see each other again. Jailtime does that to a girl. 7.30 Countrywise Paul Heiney presents a series with memorable scenes drawn from the best of the ITV regions. 8.00 The Bill Sally and Millie are called to a domestic disturbance where they find Larry Kemp throwing his girlfriend Heather’s belongings out. Apparently it’s ‘cause she’s a no good junkie. What does she do? She just wouldn’t let it lie. 9.00 The Truth About Super Skinny Pregnancies See highlights. 10.00 News At Ten; Weather 10.35 Dexter Crime drama in which a Miami police forensics expert leads a secret double life as a serial killer of criminals he believes to have escaped justice. Lundy and the FBI believe they have their man. Dexter has one remaining loose end. You so know it’s going to be a deeply frayed one. (Sigh). 11.40 FILM: Lock Up (1989) Starring Sylvester Stallone, Donald Sutherland. Raw prison drama about an inmate’s violent conflict with a sadistic warden. 1.25am Crossing Jordan 2.15 Loose Women 3.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 The Simpsons 6.30 Hollyoaks Ravi and Kris arrange to go on a date together, making Nancy more than a little uneasy. Ya think?! 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 3 Minute Wonder 8.00 10 Years Younger: The Challenge A look back at two transformations from the past. 9.00 Trophy Kids Documentary following four parents and their offspring doing whatever it takes to propel their talented youngsters to the top in their chosen sport, sacrificing their jobs, savings, and even their children’s education. So they can be successful well-balanced adults, right? Right?! 10.00 Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA In this edition, Gordon attempts to turn around Sebastian’s, a Los Angeles pizzeria that is losing money thanks to a menu stuffed with frozen ingredients. 11.05 Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA Gordon heads to The Olde Stone Mill in Tuckahoe. The restaurant has racked up a debt of almost $1m, but owner Dean’s main obsession is with himself. 12.05am When Women Rule The World 1.10 Dubplate Drama 2.20` One Minute Past Midnight 2.30 Dispatches 3.30 Unreported World 4.00 Time Team 4.55 Countdown 5.40 Grabbit The Rabbit 5.50 The Hoobs

6.00 Home And Away Aden discovers Joey’s secret. Joey’s a runaway from Dawson’s Creek? 6.30 Monkey Life Series following the residents of Dorset’s Monkey World Ape Rescue Centre. 7.00 Five News At 7 7.30 Animal Rescue Squad Michaela Strachan meets a gang of cheeky skunks; and Gilly the seal launches herself back into ocean life with gusto. Sounds like a sauce. 8.00 I Own Britain’s Best Home New series. Melissa Porter, Russell Harris and Michael Holmes search for Britain’s best home. Michael visits a renovated townhouse in London and Melissa samples an eco house in Norfolk. Burglars, take note. 9.00 The Mentalist See highlights. 10.00 Law And Order: Criminal Intent Crime drama. When a photographer is found murdered and handcuffed to the steering wheel of a crashed car, Goren and Eames are drawn into the murky world of avantgarde art. If it’s beautiful, does that make it true? 11.00 Law And Order: Special Victims Unit Drama series. The detectives respond to a brutal rape only to see the victim arrested by federal agents on racketeering charges. 12.00am Quiz Call 4.00 NBA Basketball 4.45 Wildlife SOS 5.10 Neighbours 5.35 Home And Away

Sky Sports 2 6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 Powder Adventures 7.00 WWE Experience 8.00 Boots ‘n’ All 9.00 Powder Adventures 9.30 Licence To Le Mans 10.00 FIFA Futbol Mundial 10.30 Masters Football: Home Nations Masters 1.30pm European Tour Golf 3.30 Powder Adventures 4.00 WWE: Vintage Collection 5.00 NFL: Total Access 6.00 The Rugby Club 7.30 LIVE Winning Post 9.30 Barclays Premier League World 10.00 Time Of Our Lives 11.00 NFL: Total Access 12.00am Barclays Premier League World 12.30 The Rugby Club 2.00 Premier League Darts 5.30 Close

Sky Sports 3 8.00am World Hockey Monthly 8.30 Netball 10.30 European Tour Weekly 11.00 Racing News 11.30 Aerobics: Oz Style 12.00pm Boots ‘n’ All 1.00 Licence To Le Mans 1.30 FIFA Futbol Mundial 2.00 Powder Adventures 2.30 Licence To Le Mans 3.00 Boots ‘n’ All 4.00 Trans World Sport 5.00 Powder Adventures 5.30 Test Cricket 7.30 LIVE National Rugby League 9.30 WWE Late Night Raw 11.30 Extreme Championship Wrestling 12.30am National Rugby League 2.30 Golf Night 4.30 Close

Victoria Nangle

extraterrestrial Sky1

BBC3

BBC4

ITV2

ITV3

More4

Living

10.00am Stargate SG-1 (x2) 12.00pm Project Runway 1.00 Tim Gunn’s Guide To Style 2.00 Bones 3.00 Cold Case 4.00 Oops TV 4.30 Malcolm In The Middle (x2) 5.30 Futurama (x2) 6.30 Oops TV 7.00 The Simpsons (x2) 8.00 Hello Goodbye 9.00 Bones 10.00 Cold Case 11.00 Law And Order 12.00am Road Wars

7.00pm Doctor Who 7.45 The Real Hustle 8.00 Natalie Cassidy’s Real Britain 9.00Baby Borrowers USA 9.45 The Real Hustle 10.00 EastEnders 10.30 Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps.See highlights.11.00 Family Guy (x2) 11.45 Baby Borrowers USA 12.25am Natalie Cassidy’s Real Britain

7.00pm World News Today 7.40 Natural World 8.30 Britain’s Best Drives 9.00 India’s Hospital Train 10.00 Michael Smith’s Drivetime 10.30 I’ve Never Seen Star Wars 11.00 Newswipe 11.30 India’s Hospital Train 12.30am I’ve Never Seen Star Wars 1.00 Proms On Four 2008: Beethoven’s Mass In C

12.30pm Emmerdale 1.00 Airline USA 1.30 The Jeremy Kyle Show (x2) 3.50 Robyn: The Hot Desk 4.00 Loose Women 5.00 The Ricki Lake Show 5.50 Sally Jessy Raphael 6.35 Judge Judy 7.00 Primeval 8.00 American Idol 10.00 The Justin Lee Collins Show 11.00 Supernatural 12.00am American Idol

12.50pm Heartbeat 1.50 Ballykissangel 2.55 Monarch Of The Glen 4.00 The Ruth Rendell Mysteries 5.10 Goodnight Sweetheart 5.50 Heartbeat 6.50 Ballykissangel 8.00 The Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes 9.00 Numb3rs 10.00 Flashpoint 11.00 FILM: I Love You To Death (1990) 1.00am Missing Persons

12.40pm Scrubs (x2) 1.40 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 2.35 One Tree Hill 3.30 Gilmore Girls 4.25 Hollyoaks 4.55 Friends (x2) 6.00 Scrubs (x2) 7.00 Hollyoaks 7.30 My Name Is Earl 8.00 Friends (x2) 9.00 My Name Is Earl 9.30 The Big Bang Theory 10.00 Skins 11.05 Ricky Gervais: Fame 12.10am Scrubs (x2)

2.30pm The Coach Trip 3.00 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4.00 How Clean Is Your House? (x2) 5.05 Relocation, Relocation 6.05 Deal Or No Deal 7.00 Grand Designs 8.00 News 8.30 Unreported World 9.00 ER 10.00 Brothers And Sisters 11.00 Without A Trace 12.00am ER 1.00 Brothers And Sisters

12.00pm Maury (x2) 1.50 The Fix 2.00 Nothing To Declare 2.30 Passport Patrol 3.00 Criminal Minds 4.00 Charmed (x2) 6.00 America’s Next Top Model 7.00 Home Video Heroes (x2) 8.00 Pop Goes The Band 9.00 CSI 10.00 Grey’s Anatomy 11.00 CSI 12.00am Criminal Minds (x2) 2.00 Extreme Makeover UK

G.O.L.D.

Paramount

Discovery

Sci Fi

Sky Movies

Film4

TCM

4.20pm As Time Goes By 5.00 Keeping Up Appearances 5.40 Ever Decreasing Circles 6.20 Last Of The Summer Wine (x2) 7.40 Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads? 8.20 My Family 9.00 Only Fools And Horses 10.40 Steptoe And Son 11.20 The Fast Show 12.00am The New Statesman

3.00pm Two And A Half Men (x2) 4.00 The King Of Queens (x2) 5.00 Everybody Loves Raymond (x2) 6.00 Frasier (x2) 7.00 Scrubs (x2) 8.00 Two And A Half Men (x3) 9.30 Rules Of Engagement 10.00 Sex And The City (x2) 11.15 Scrubs (x2) 12.15am Two And A Half Men 12.45 Rules Of Engagement 1.15 Frasier

2.00pm Crime Scene USA (x2) 3.00 Deadliest Catch 4.00 Time Team 5.00 Mythbusters 6.00 American Chopper 7.00 How Do They Do It? 7.30 How Stuff’s Made 8.00 Against The Elements 9.00 Solved 10.00 Crime Scene Forensics 11.00 Extreme Forensics 12.00am Crime Scene USA (x2) 1.00 A Haunting

12.00pm Star Trek 1.00 The Invisible Man 2.00 Angel 3.00 FILM: Force Of Impact (2005) 5.00 Quantum Leap 6.00 The Invisible Man 7.00 FILM: Jack Hunter: The Star Of Heaven (2008) 8.00 Sanctuary 10.00 FILM: Riddles Of The Sphinx (2008) 11.50 FILM: Spirit Trap (2005)

11.30am Phantom Of The Opera (1962) 1.05pm The Lady Eve (1941) 2.40 Sullivan’s Travels (1941) 4.15 The War Lord (1965) 6.20 Paint Your Wagon (1969) 9.00 Emperor Of The North (1973) 11.05 Phantom Of The Opera (1962) 12.45am The Big Clock (1948)

9.00am A Mighty Heart (2007) 10.50 The Escapist (2001) 12.25pm Earth (1998) 2.15 Water (2005) 4.10 Mulholland Drive (2001) 6.35 The Escapist (2001) 8.10 A Mighty Heart (2007) 10.00 The Namesake (2006) 12.05am Mulholland Drive (2001) 2.35 The Movie Geek 3.05 Breathtaking (2000)

1.00pm Fathom (1967) 2.55 The Court Martial Of Billy Mitchell (1955) 4.55 That Riviera Touch (1966) 6.50 Crocodile Dundee II (1988) 9.00 Crash (2004) 11.10 Swingers (1996) Classic film of dudedom and friendship starring Vince Vaughan and Jon Favreaux. 1.05am Dancer In The Dark (2000)

8.35am Ice Station Zebra (1968) 11.10 Springfield Rifle (1952) 1.00pm Assault On A Queen (1966) 3.00 The Bobo (1967) 5.00 Spies Like Us (1985) 7.00 The Abdication (1974) 9.00 Possession (2002) 10.55 Looker (1981) 12.40am Possession (2002) 2.30 The Screening Room 2.55 The Night Of The Iguana (1964)

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friday 27 Real Swiss Family Robinson BBC1, 9pm Getting fed up with all of the doom-bearers threatening your livelihood and happiness? Say – hang the lot of them – and run away to a desert island. That’s what Andy and Vicki did when they transported their family 10,000 miles to the island of Anariki in the North Pacific. But is it really the good life?

Numb3rs Five, 10pm Fisher Stevens guest stars this week as the latest interruption to the order of maths genius Professor Charlie Eppes and his brother FBI agent Don Eppes’ lives. What a combo they are. Fisher hijacks a bus load of tourists – that’s an actual tourist measurement – and demands an $18 million ransom. Surely not!

American Idol ITV2, 9pm Quite apart from the gravitydefying twists judge Paula Abdul seems to be doing left, things are getting tense. It’s the final stage – but not the final, just to be clear – and hopes are getting ready to be dashed and seized. Unfortunately not in equal measure. Simon will chortle, Randy will guffaw and Kara will smile. Paula twists.

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Sky Sports 1

6.00am Breakfast 9.15 Missing Live 10.00 Homes Under The Hammer 11.00 To Buy Or Not To Buy 11.30 Cash In The Attic 12.15pm Bargain Hunt 1.00 BBC News At One 1.30 South East Today 1.45 Doctors 2.15 Diagnosis Murder 3.00 BBC News 3.05 Mister Maker 3.25 Mona The Vampire 3.40 Pinky And Perky 3.50 Uncle Max 4.05 Best Of Friends 4.35 The Legend Of Dick And Dom 5.05 Newsround 5.15 The Weakest Link

6.00 – 10.00am Children’s television 10.00 Big Barn Farm 10.15 Charlie And Lola 10.30 In The Night Garden 11.00 Fun With Phonics 11.10 Razzledazzle 11.30 Telling Tales 11.35 Telling Tales 11.40 BBC Primary Arabic 12.00pm The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Figure Skating: World Championship Highlights 2.00 Britain’s Dream Homes 3.00 Murder, She Wrote 3.45 Flog It! 4.30 A Question Of Genius 5.15 Bargain Hunt Famous Finds

6.15am The Hoobs 6.40 Planet Cook 7.00 Freshly Squeezed 7.30 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.30 Frasier 9.00 Will And Grace 9.30 The Farm Revealed 9.55 KNTV Sex 10.30 16 For A Day 12.00pm News At Noon 12.30 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 1.30 FILM: Millions Like Us (1943) 3.25 Countdown 4.15 Deal Or No Deal 5.00 The Paul O’Grady Show

6.00 – 9.00am Children’s television 9.00 Roary The Racing Car 9.10 Milkshake! Show Songs 9.15 The Wright Stuff 10.45 Trisha Goddard 11.45 I Own Britain’s Best Home 12.45pm Five News 12.55 Wordplay 1.45 Neighbours 2.15 Home And Away 2.50 Wordplay Plus 3.00 FILM: Rescuers: Stories Of Courage – Two Couples (1998) 5.00 Five News 5.30 Neighbours

6.00am Good Morning Sports Fans 6.30 Good Morning Sports Fans 7.00 Good Morning Sports Fans 8.00 Good Morning Sports Fans 9.00 Test Cricket 11.00 LIVE European Tour Golf 1.00pm LIVE International Cricket 7.00 LIVE International Cricket 10.00 LIVE Test Cricket 2.00am LIVE Test Cricket 5.00 Volvo Ocean Race 5.30 Gillette World Sport

6.00 BBC News At Six 6.30 South East Today 7.00 The One Show 7.30 A Question Of Sport Sue Barker hosts the sports quiz. 8.00 EastEnders Archie begins to realise that Danielle is a force to be reckoned with. Tiffany helps Janine realise that some secrets are worth keeping, and Ian’s plan to help the family business backfires. S’all go! 8.30 Don’t Miss A Trick One-off family special hosted by Kate Thornton. Shot entirely on location, magicians Jessica Clement, Paul Wilson and Alex Conran from The Real Hustle perform for the public. 9.00 Real Swiss Family Robinson See highlights. 10.00 BBC News At Ten 10.25 South East Today 10.35 Friday Night With Jonathan Ross Jonathan is joined by ‘stEnders lovebirds Barbara Windsor and Larry Lamb and film actor Rhys Ifans. 11.35 National Lottery EuroMillions Draw 11.40 FILM: The Getaway (1994) Starring Alec Baldwin, Kim Basinger. Remake of Sam Peckinpah’s gritty 1972 thriller in which a jailed criminal asks his wife to make a deal with a crime kingpin for his release. 1.30am Weatherview 1.35 Sign Zone: The Genius Of Photography (x2) 3.35 BBC News 5.00 The Australian Grand Prix – Qualifying

6.00 Eggheads Dermot Murnaghan hosts the show where every day a new team of challengers take on probably the greatest quiz team in Britain. Cue the brass band. 6.30 Priceless Antiques Roadshow Fiona Bruce and the team are reunited with some of the youngest visitors to the Antiques Roadshow. 7.00 Cycling: World Track Championships Gabby Logan introduces coverage from Poland. 8.00 For Peat’s Sake Toby Buckland explores the use of peat and its alternatives in gardening. True. 9.00 Top Dogs: Adventures In War, Sea And Ice The first in this series follows three iconic adventurers – newsman John Simpson, polar explorer Ranulph Fiennes and solo yachtsman Robin Knox-Johnston on a newsgathering trip to war-torn Afghanistan. 10.00 Genius Comedy series where Dave Gorman and Frank Skinner hunt for true genius amongst the nation’s ideas to change the world. 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Cycling: World Track Championship Highlights More highlights from the Pruszkov velodrome in Poland. 12.15am The Culture Show 1.00 Medium (x2) 2.25 FILM: Lady Of Burlesque (1943)

6.00 Meridian Tonight 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Bob finally admits defeat and decides to sell up. 7.30 Coronation Street Peter’s drinking results in a showdown with Deirdre. Is he really likely to pay any attention? Poor wee mite Simon. 8.00 How To Blow Your Redundancy: Tonight Fiona Foster meets the people who have blown their redundancy cheque on ill-judged investments in a bid to start a business or retrain for a new career. 8.30 Coronation Street Maria warns Natasha to stay away from Tony. 9.00 Moving Wallpaper Nancy insists that Jonathan produces a trailer for the press visit in the morning - which means the whole production team are forced to work through the night. 9.30 Al Murray’s Multiple Personality Disorder More hilarious sketches from Al Murray. 10.00 News At Ten; Weather 10.35 Pushing Daisies Quirky US drama series. When Papen Country Lighthouse keeper Nora McQuoddy is found murdered, her son hires Emerson to find the killer. 11.35 FILM: Coal Miner’s Daughter (1980) Starring Sissy Spacek, Tommy Lee Jones. Rags-to-riches biopic of country singer Loretta Lynn. 1.40am FILM: Long Time Dead (2002) 3.10 Nightscreen 5.30 News

6.00 The Simpsons 6.30 Hollyoaks Kris begs Nancy to take him back, and even dumps Ravi in front of her. Very modern. 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.35 Unreported World Ramita Navai investigates the record level of honour killings in Turkey, where more than 200 girls and women have died in the past year. 8.00 A Place In The Sun: Home Or USA? Tom and Colette have £320,000 to spend on their first home. Will they choose to live in Birmingham for the sake of Tom’s business, or sell up and relocate to Florida? That’s rather a lot for a FTB. 9.00 Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA Gordon visits the Black Pearl in Manhattan, a seafood restaurant which is in financial trouble and has three owners who each have different ideas on how to run it. Watch the veins pop. 10.00 FILM: Date Movie (2006) Starring Alyson Hannigan, Adam Campbell. Romantic comedy spoof. 11.35 The Shockwaves Album Chart Show 12.05am 4 Music: The Prodigy: Video Exclusive 12.10 The JD Set Presents: Hours 12.25 Shockwaves Album Chart Show: Keane Special 1.00 Coming Up 1.30 PokerStars.com European Poker Tour 2.25 KOTV Classics 2008 3.20 Trans World Sport 4.15 Time Team 5.10 Countdown

6.00 Home And Away Martha and Tony receive some devastating news. Irene has a date. That’s not the devastating news. Just news. 6.30 Monkey Life Series following the residents of Dorset’s Monkey World Ape Rescue Centre. 7.00 Five News At 7 7.30 Mobil 1 The Grid Motor sport action from the biggest racing series around the world. 8.00 Police Interceptors: Special Edition Natalie Pinkham joins the Elite Essex Interceptor Unit as they hunt for criminals. 9.00 NCIS Drama series following the work of the Navy’s dedicated federal agency. The agents are staking out a warehouse in connection with some stolen Navy radar equipment when they stumble upon a murder. You know you’re in a bad area when you ‘stumble’ upon a murder. 10.00 Numb3rs See highlights. 11.00 Criminal Minds Drama series following the FBI’s Behavioural Analysis Unit as they attempt to solve crimes through psychological profiling. When two high school students are murdered in a small town, it is up to the unit to decide whether or not a cult is responsible. Duty of care, perhaps? 12.00am Quiz Call 4.00 The Gadget Show 4.45 Wildlife SOS 5.10 Neighbours 5.35 Home And Away

Sky Sports 2 6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 Powder Adventures 7.00 WWE Raw 9.00 Barclays Premier League World 9.30 Premier League Darts 1.00pm Barclays Premier League World 1.30 European Tour Golf 3.30 Barclays Premier League World 4.00 LIVE International Cricket 7.30 LIVE Super League 10.00 LIVE: Friday Fight Night 12.00am Super League 2.00 Friday Fight Night 4.00 Big League Weekend 5.00 Powder Adventures 5.30 Airsports World

Sky Sports 3 7.30am The Rugby Club 9.00 Netball 11.00 Racing News 11.30 Aerobics: Oz Style 12.00pm Trans World Sport 1.00 The Rugby Club 2.30 Trans World Sport 3.30 Live European Tour Golf 5.30 Big League Weekend 6.30 Tight Lines 7.30 LIVE International Football 10.00 WWE Late Night Smackdown 12.00am WWE The Bottom Line 1.00 International Football 2.30 Golf Night 4.30 International Football 5.30 Volvo Ocean Race

Victoria Nangle

extraterrestrial Sky1

BBC3

BBC4

ITV2

ITV3

More4

Living

10.00am Stargate SG-1 (x2) 12.00pm Project Runway 1.00 Tim Gunn’s Guide To Style 2.00 Bones 3.00 Cold Case 4.00 Oops TV 4.30 Malcolm In The Middle (x2) 5.30 Futurama (x2) 6.30 Oops TV 7.00 The Simpsons (x4) 9.00 Josef Fritzl: Story Of A Monster 10.00 FILM: The Siege (1998) 12.15am Road Wars (x2)

7.00pm Top Gear 8.05 The Real Hustle 8.15 Doctor Who 9.00 Little Britain Abroad (x2) 10.00 EastEnders 10.30 Snog Marry Avoid? 11.00 2 Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps 11.30 Family Guy (x2) 12.15am Horne And Corden 12.45 Snog Marry Avoid? 1.15 2 Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps (x2)

7.00pm World News Today 7.30 Jazz 625 8.00 1959: A Panorama Guide 9.00 Sissinghurst (x2) 10.00 1959: The Year That Changed Jazz 11.00 Jazz 625 11.35 Mad Men 12.20am 1959: A Panorama Guide 1.20 1959: The Year That Changed Jazz 2.20 Sissinghurst (x2) 3.20 1959: A Panorama Guide

3.50pm Lily Allen: The Hot Desk 4.00 Loose Women 5.00 The Ricki Lake Show 5.50 Sally Jessy Raphael 6.35 Judge Judy 7.00 Primeval 8.00 Coleen’s Real Women 9.00 American Idol. See highlights. 10.00 FILM: Pretty Woman (1990) 12.25am The Justin Lee Collins Show 1.25 Coronation Street (x2)

12.50pm Heartbeat 1.50 Ballykissangel 3.00 Agatha Christie’s Poirot 4.05 The Ruth Rendell Mysteries: A Case Of Coincidence 5.15 Goodnight Sweetheart 5.50 Heartbeat 6.55 Ballykissangel 8.00 Agatha Christie’s Poirot 9.00 Flashpoint 10.00 FILM: Dog Day Afternoon (1975) 12.35am Liverpool One

12.50pm Scrubs (x2) 1.40 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 2.35 One Tree Hill 3.30 Gilmore Girls 4.25 Hollyoaks 5.00 Friends (x2) 6.00 Scrubs (x2) 7.00 Hollyoaks 7.30 My Name Is Earl 7.55 Friends (x2) 9.00 Supernanny 10.00 Wife Swap 11.10 FILM: Star Trek: Nemesis (2001) 1.25am Scrubs (x2)

2.30pm The Coach Trip 3.00 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4.00 How Clean Is Your House? (x2) 5.05 Relocation, Relocation 6.05 Deal Or No Deal 7.00 Grand Designs Abroad 8.00 News 8.30 Unreported World 9.00 Grand Designs 10.00 FILM: The Edge (1997) 12.25am Grand Designs 1.30 FILM: The Edge (1997)

12.00pm Maury (x2) 1.50 The Fix 2.00 Nothing To Declare 2.30 Passport Patrol 3.00 Criminal Minds 4.00 Charmed (x2) 6.00 America’s Next Top Model 7.00 Home Video Heroes (x2) 8.00 Nothing To Declare (x2) 9.00 Criminal Minds 10.00 Boston Legal 11.00 CSI 12.00am Criminal Minds 1.00 Charmed

G.O.L.D.

Paramount

Discovery

Sci Fi

Sky Movies

Film4

TCM

5.00am Keeping Up Appearances 5.40 Ever Decreasing Circles 6.20 Last Of The Summer Wine (x2) 7.40 Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads? 8.20 My Family 9.00 Only Fools And Horses 10.10 One Foot In The Grave 10.50 The Fast Show 11.25 The New Statesman 12.00am One Foot In The Grave

1.00pm Frasier (x2) 2.00 The Office: An American Workplace (x2) 3.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 4.00 The King Of Queens (x2) 5.00 Everybody Loves Raymond (x2) 6.00 Frasier (x2) 7.00 Scrubs (x2) 8.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 9.00 South Park (x4) 11.00 Scrubs (x2) 12.00am Celebrity Death Match

2.00pm Crime Scene USA (x2) 3.00 Deadliest Catch 4.00 Time Team 5.00 Mythbusters 6.00 American Chopper 7.00 How Do They Do It? 7.30 How Stuff’s Made 8.00 Deadliest Catch 9.00 Treasure Quest 10.00 Storm Chasers 11.00 Extreme Forensics 12.00am Crime Scene USA (x2) 1.00 A Haunting

11.00am 3rd Rock From The Sun (x2) 12.00pm Star Trek 1.00 The Invisible Man 2.00 Angel 3.00 FILM: Nature Unleashed: Volcano (2004) 5.00 Quantum Leap 6.00 The Invisible Man 7.00 Angel 8.00 Sea Of Souls 9.15 Stephen King’s Desperation (x3) 12.15am FILM: Submerged (2005) 2.05 Ghost Stories

10.25am California (1946) 12.10pm Lover Come Back (1961) 2.10 Here Come The Waves (1944) 3.55 King Kong Vs Godzilla (1962) 5.35 King Kong Escapes (1968) 7.15 California (1946) 9.00 McLintock! (1963) 11.10 The Innocents (1961) 12.55am King Kong Vs Godzilla (1962)

11.35am Ten Canoes (2006) 1.10pm Jindabyne (2006) 3.20 The Serpent (2006) 5.25 La Vie En Rose (2006) 7.55 The Last King Of Scotland (2006) 10.00 Sex, Lies And Videotape (1989) 11.45 Repo Man (1984) 1.20am Summer Of Sam (1999) 3.45 Sex, Lies And Videotape (1989)

1.00pm The Long Memory (1953) 2.50 The Sheriff Of Fractured Jaw (1958) 4.55 The Tall Men (1955) 7.15 Watership Down (1978) Rabbits go off adventuring, get into a spot of bother with a bigger rabbit, sing ‘Bright Eyes’ and then have a rabbit battle. 9.00 Adrift (2006) 10.50 Porky’s (1982) 12.45am Bug (2006)

7.05am Springfield Rifle (1952) 8.50 To Trap A Spy (1966) 10.45 Mister Roberts (1955) 1.05pm Four Eyes And Six Guns (1992) 3.00 Mary Mary (1963) 5.20 Giant (1956) 9.00 The Shining (1980) 11.35 Trog (1970) 1.15am The Screening Room 1.40 Mutiny On The Bounty (1962)

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10:36 AM

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saturday 28 Robin Hood BBC1 6.50pm When Robin returns from the Holy Land to avenge Marian’s murder an epic battle rages between him and Gisborne, with both determined to fight to the death. Tuck arrives in Nottingham, believing he’s the only man who can destroy the tyrannical reign of the Sheriff, Gisborne and Prince John.

Alan Whicker’s Journey Of A Lifetime BBC2, 10.15pm In this first episode, Whicker revisits Venice to retrace his steps from war to peace, from soldier to Fleet Street journalist, and television. Included in the films are Whicker’s earliest surviving TV appearance and when he got a closed order of silent nuns to talk to him. Legend.

Geisha Girl BBC4, 9pm Geisha girl documentary following 15-year-old Yukina as she leaves home and moves to Kyoto to embark on the arduous training needed to become a Geisha. The profession has always been shrouded in controversy. But does Yukina really understand what this ancient profession has in store?

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Sky Sports 1

7.15am Breakfast 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.35 Rachel Allen: Bake! 12.00pm BBC News 12.10 Football Focus 1.00 Formula 1: The Australian Grand Prix 2.15 Rugby Union: AngloWelsh Cup Semi-Final 4.35 Hole In The Wall 5.05 Walk On The Wild Side 5.35 BBC News 5.50 Regional News And Weather 5.55 Total Wipeout

6.00am Kid’s TV 7.10 Rocket Boy And Toro 7.25 Rocket Boy And Toro 7.35 Three Delivery 8.00 Skunk Fu 8.15 Sportsround 8.30 Richard Hammond’s Blast Lab 9.00 Who Wants To Be A Superhero? 9.55 Bernard 10.00 Basil’s Swap Shop 11.00 The Story Of Tracy Beaker 11.30 Young Dracula 12.00pm Kyle XY 12.45 SuperAgents 1.15 Sound 1.45 Revealed 2.00 FILM: The Last Flight Of Noah’s Ark (1980) 3.35 Psych 4.15 Psych 5.00 Rugby Union: Anglo-Welsh Semi-Final

6.00am GMTV 9.25 Horrid Henry 9.40 Supernormal 9.55 Planet Sketch 10.10 Tricky Quickies 10.15 Finger Tips 10.20 Countrywise 10.50 Dancing On Ice – The Final 12.55pm ITV News And Weather 1.00 FILM: Murder, She Wrote: South By Southwest (1997) 2.40 Britain Does The Funniest Things 3.10 FILM: What A Girl Wants (2003) 5.05 Creature Comforts 5.20 Meridian News And Weather 5.35 ITV News And Weather 5.50 You’ve Been Framed!

6.10am The Hoobs 6.40 Planet Cook 7.00 Freesports On 4 7.30 Vendee Globe 8.00 The Morning Line 8.55 One Tree Hill 9.55 Friends 10.25 Friends 10.55 Just Dance! Lady GaGa’s 20 Party Tunes 11.55 Shipwrecked 2009: Battle Of The Islands 1.00pm Scrubs 1.35 Scrubs 2.00 Channel 4 Racing 4.15 Come Dine With Me 4.45 Come Dine With Me 5.15 Dubai World Cup 5.45 Come Dine With Me

6.00am Kid’s TV 8.25 Animal Families 8.35 Peppa Pig 8.40 Bert And Ernie’s Great Adventures 8.50 Roobarb And Custard Too 8.55 Milkshake! Show Songs 9.05 Roary The Racing Car 9.20 Rupert Bear 9.30 Jane And The Dragon 10.00 Mobil 1 The Grid 10.30 Fifth Gear 10.40 The Gadget Show 11.40 Extreme Fishing With Robson Green 12.40pm Ice Road Truckers 1.40 Mean Machines 2.10 FILM: The Time Machine (1960) 4.10 Five News 4.15 FILM: American Outlaws (2001)

6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 Barclays Premier League World 7.00 UEFA Champions League Weekly 7.30 Big League Weekend 8.30 UEFA Champions League Weekly 9.00 Soccer AM 12.00pm LIVE Football League: League Two 2.30 LIVE International Football 5.00 LIVE International Football 7.30 LIVE International Football 10.00 LIVE Test Cricket 12.00am LIVE Test Cricket

6.50 Harry Hill’s TV Burp What will he have to say about all the top soaps, reality shows, docs and dramas? 7.20 Primeval Cutter and the team are still reeling from Stephen’s death when an anomaly opens in the British Museum, and a terrifying creature that resembles an Egyptian god emerges. The team must track down the creature, but are they facing an ancient curse as well? 8.20 The Colour Of Money Chris Tarrant and Millie Clode host the most stressful gameshow on TV. 9.20 The Feelgood Factor In the final programme in ITV’s fitness health initiative, Eamonn Holmes and Myleene Klass reveal just how much weight the nation has lost, and how much has been raised for charity by the viewers. Pie anyone? 10.20 International Football Highlights Steve Rider presents highlights of England’s international against Slovakia at Wembley. 11.20 ITV News And Weather 11.35 FILM: 8 Mile (2002) Acclaimed musical drama starring Eminem, in which a young blue-collar worker attempts to escape from his dead-end Detroit life. 2.35am (BST) FILM: Far From The Madding Crowd 5.20 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.15 Come Dine With Me Customer service manager Ian Cook plans his meal like a military operation. Armed with the freshest ingredients, his own recipes and a superb knowledge of his critical guests, he tries to win them over one by one by appeasing their particular tastes. 6.45 Come Dine With Me Etiquette expert Margaret Twemlow cooks a meal of royal proportions. 7.15 Channel 4 News 7.45 Grand Designs Kevin McCloud meets Francis and Karen Shaw who are undertaking the most ambitious project the programme has seen – the restoration of a crumbling 14th century castle in the Yorkshire Dales. What could possibly go wrong? 9.15 FILM: Brokeback Mountain (2005) See film highlights. 11.50 FILM: Monster’s Ball (2001) Starring Halle Berry, Billy Bob Thornton, Heath Ledger, Peter Boyle, Sean Combs and Peter Boyle. A grieving African-American widow finds romantic solace in a lonely, white - and racist - prison guard who is mourning the death of his son, but she is unaware that the guard supervised her husband’s execution. 2.55am (BST) My Other Wheelchair Is A Porsche 3.10 Flood 3.25 Countdown. 4.10 Just Not Cricket 4.15 FILM: Loving You 5.55 The Hoobs

6.50 Robin Hood See highlights. 7.35 The National Lottery: 1 Vs 100 Quiz show in which one contestant hopes to win a big cash prize. Plus, Gethin Jones is live from Lottery HQ. 8.25 Casualty It’s Kelsey’s last day and she’s in the mood to celebrate, but what have the gang got in store? Sharice’s grandparents turn up and Zoe allows them to babysit. Sharice wraps them round her little finger and tells them that Zoe lets her do whatever she wants. When she accidentally damages her eye while applying mascara, they end up in the emergency department, and Zoe is called. The grandparents make their disapproval clear and tell Zoe that they want to look after Sharice from now on. 9.15 BBC News 9.35 Live At The Apollo Jack Dee presents another cutting-edge romp through some of the nation’s best stand-ups. 10.20 The BBC One Sessions: Annie Lennox Pop’s diva in concert from LSO St Luke’s in London. 11.20 FILM: Runaway Train (1985) Philosophical action thriller, starring Jon Voight and Eric Roberts, about two escaped prisoners who hide on board a train speeding through Alaska. 2.05am (BST) Weatherview. 2.10 Friday Night With Jonathan Ross 3.10 BBC News

7.15 Cycling Action from a recent cycling event. 8.25 Timewatch The history series that investigates myths, legends and stories from around the world. 9.15 The Lost World Of Communism 1989 marked the collapse of communism in Eastern and Central Europe and an end to an entire way of life for millions of people. Having lived through those extraordinary times, they now tell their stories of life behind the Iron Curtain, looking beyond the headlines of spies and surveillance, secret police and political repression. 10.15 Alan Whicker’s Journey Of A Lifetime See highlights. 11.15 FILM: A Beautiful Mind (2001) Starring Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Ed Harris, Paul Bettany and Adam Goldberg. Oscarwinning drama based on the true story of prominent mathematician John Forbes Nash Jr, who seemed to be guaranteed a promising future when he won international acclaim as a result of his pioneering work in the field. However, when he is recruited to provide assistance to the military with top-secret code-breaking duties, the high-pressure job begins to take its toll on him and he begins to develop a mental illness. 2.25am (BST) Mad Men 3.10 (BST) My Voyage To Italy

6.05 FILM: The Cowboys (1972) Starring John Wayne. Frontier drama about an ageing rancher who reluctantly enlists 11 schoolboys to help him on a cross-country cattle drive. When he is killed by a crazy gunman, the group band together to take revenge. 8.15 NCIS Drama series following a team of special agents who investigate crimes connected to Navy and Marine Corps personnel. When an ambulance carrying the body of a dead marine explodes, the agents uncover evidence of subterfuge. 9.15 CSI: NY The death of a runner in a bridal shop seems to be connected to the rape and murder of a young musician. But is it just a coincidence? 10.15 Law And Order A group of prep school students are gunned down in a raid on a drug den. Detectives link the massacre to an Afghan warlord, but the prosecution is complicated by the fact the killer is a US ally in the war in Afghanistan. 11.15 NCIS The agents are staking out a warehouse in connection with some stolen Navy radar equipment when they stumble upon a murder. Elsewhere, Ducky is keeping a secret from the rest of the team. 12.15am (GMT) Quiz Call 5.10 (BST) House Doctor x2

Sky Sports 2 6.00am FIFA Futbol Mundial 6.30 LIVE Super 14 Rugby Union 8.45 LIVE Rugby Union: Super 14 11.00 Test Cricket 1.00pm LIVE European Tour Golf 5.00 Volvo Ocean Race 5.30 Gillette World Sport 6.00 LIVE Super League 8.00 Super 14 Rugby 10.00 LIVE Football 12.30am International Football 2.30 International Football 3.30 International Football 4.30 International Football 5.30 UEFA Champions League Weekly

Sky Sports 3 6.00am Fishing: Bass Fishing 7.00 Tight Lines 8.00 Friday Fight Night 10.00 WWE Smackdown 12.00pm WWE The Bottom Line 1.00 Volvo Ocean Race 1.30 Live Dubai World Cup 2009 6.00 WWE Smackdown 8.00 Golf Night 10.00 Extreme Championship Wrestling 11.00 WWE Smackdown 2.00am WWE The Bottom Line 3.00 Golf Night 5.00 Max Power

Alison Swann

extraterrestrial Sky1

BBC3

BBC4

ITV2

ITV3

More4

Living

9.00am Soccer AM 12.00pm Oops TV (x2) 1.00 UK Border Force 2.00 Bones 3.00 Project Runway 4.00 Malcolm In The Middle (x2) 5.00 Gladiators 6.00 The Simpsons (x4) 8.00 Road Wars 9.00 Bones 10.00 Cold Case 11.00 Josef Fritzl: Story Of A Monster 12.00am 24 2.00 Road Wars (x2)

7.00pm Most Annoying Couples 7.10 Snog Marry Avoid? (x2) 8.10 Top Gear 9.15 Being Human Unearthed 10.15 Being Human (x3) 2.10am Being Human Unearthed 3.10 Snog Marry Avoid? (x2) 4.10 18 Pregnant Schoolgirls 5.05 Most Annoying Couples 5.30 Close

7.00pm Legends: Val Doonican Rocks 8.00 India’s Hospital Train 9.00 Geisha Girl 10.00 FILM: Spirited Away (2002) 12.00am Fish! A Japanese Obsession 2.30 Proms On Four 2008: Boulez And The BBC Symphony Orchestra 5.30 Close

12.55pm Nanny 911 1.50 Coleen’s Real Women 2.50 Gossip Girl 3.50 American Idol (x2) 6.50 Planet’s Funniest Animals 7.20 New Homes From Hell 2009 8.20 FILM: What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? (1994) 10.35 The Justin Lee Collins Show 11.35 FILM: The Last Kiss (2005) 2.40am Celebrity Juice 3.05 FM

12.10pm Micawber 1.20 FILM: The Four Musketeers (1974) 3.25 The Ruth Rendell Mysteries 4.30 My Uncle Silas 5.35 Goodnight Sweetheart (x2) 6.55 Sherlock Holmes 8.00 Wycliffe 9.00 Taggart 10.35 Cracker 11.40 FILM: Nora Roberts Collection: Blue Smoke (2007) 2.30am Upstairs, Downstairs

12.45pm Roswell (x2) 2.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 5.00 Friends (X2) 6.00 Scrubs (x2) 7.00 My Name Is Earl 7.30 The Big Bang Theory 7.55 Friends (x2) 9.00 The 100 Greatest Scary Moments 11.05 Frank Skinner Live At The Birmingham Hippodrome 12.05am Scrubs 12.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus

12.05pm FILM: Dragoon Wells Massacre (1957) 1.45 Tate Modern (x2) 1.55 Grand Designs (x5) 7.20 The Lost WWI Bunker: A Time Team Special 9.00 Man Vs Grizzly 10.00 The Unsinkable Titanic 11.40 The Real Knights Of The Round Table: A Time Team Special 12.50am The West Wing 2.50 Man vs Grizzly

12.00pm Lois And Clark: The New Adventures Of Superman 1.00 Home Video Heroes (x2) 2.00 America’s Next Top Model 3.00 Will And Grace (x2) 4.00 Nothing To Declare (x8) 8.00 Passport Patrol (x2) 9.00 Ghost Whisperer 10.00 CSI: Miami 11.00 CSI12.00am Ghost Hunters International 2.00 Charmed

G.O.L.D.

Paramount

Discovery

Sci Fi

Sky Movies

Film4

TCM

6.00am Charlie’s Angels 7.00 The Two Ronnies 8.00 The Two Ronnies 9.00 Only Fools And Horses (x18) 9.00pm Jonathan Creek 10.20 FILM: Anger Management (2003) 12.30am Jonathan Creek 2.45 The Dick Emery Show 3.00 Home Shopping

10.00am Two And A Half Men (x2) 11.00 Frasier (x2) 12.00pm Two And A Half Men (x2) 1.00 Frasier (x2) 2.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 3.00 Frasier (x2) 4.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 5.00 Frasier (x2) 6.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 7.00 Frasier (x2) 8.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 9.00 South Park (x10) 2.30am Eurotrash

2.00pm Unsolved History 3.00 Crime Scene USA (x2) 4.00 Unsolved Murders (x2) 5.00 Nextworld 6.00 Against The Elements 7.00 Storm Chasers 8.00 Colossal Squid 9.00 Undercover: Double Life 10.00 Ten Commandments Of The Mafia 11.00 Crime Scene Forensics 12.00am Extreme Forensics

11.00am Firefly 12.00pm Sanctuary 1.00 FILM: Dark Storm (2006) 2.40 FILM: Earthstorm (2006) 4.30 FILM: Edward Scissorhands (1990) 6.30 Ghost Stories 7.00 Haunted Homes 8.00 Eli Stone 9.00 Medium 10.00 FILM: Submerged (2005) 11.50 FILM: Alone In The Dark (2005) 2.50am FILM: Earthstorm (2006)

9.05am Jesse James (1939) 10.55 35mm 11.25 Coogan’s Bluff (1968) 1.00pm Sabrina (1954) 3.00 The Front Page (1974) 4.55 The Egyptian (1954) 7.20 Coogan’s Bluff (1968) 9.00 The Bible (1966) 11.50 The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956) 2.05am Too Late The Hero (1970)

9.30am The Apostle (1997) 11.50 The Darjeeling Limited (2007) 1.25pm Bottle Rocket (1996) 3.00 The Lives Of Others (2006) 5.20 This Is My Father (1998) 7.20 Southland Tales (2006) 10.00 The Darjeeling Limited (2007) 11.35 Bottle Rocket (1996) 2.10am The Apostle (1997)

1.00pm Crocodile Dundee II (1988) 3.10 Heaven Can Wait (1943) 5.20 The Addams Family (1991) 7.15 Addams Family Values (1993) 9.00 School Of Rock (2004) 11.10 Diary Of The Dead (2007) 2.00am The Crazies (1973) 4.10 Close

8.45am Not With My Wife You Don’t (1966) 11.10 The Star (1952) 12.55pm The Philadelphia Story (1940) 3.00 Gypsy (1962) 5.45 Fort Vengeance (1953) 7.10 Funny Farm (1988) 9.00 Boogie Nights (1997) 11.55 Star 80 (1983) 2.55am Clash Of The Titans (1981) 5.00 Not With My Wife You Don’t (1966)

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10:37 AM

Page 1

sunday 29 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Volcanoes BBC2, 6pm Volcanic eruptions are among the most destructive and deadly events in nature. But there is far more to volcanoes than death and destruction – without volcanoes our planet would be a very different place, lacking not only an atmosphere but also life itself.

The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency BBC1, 9pm Mma Ramotswe is helping Mrs Curtin to find her son who has been missing for 10 years. Mma Ramotswe digs up some shocking truths. Keen to prove her worth as an assistant detective, Mma Makutsi is left trying to solve the Kgale Hill break-ins.

How Britain Got The Gardening Bug BBC4, 9pm Documentary looking at the extraordinary changes and crazes that have happened to British gardening since WWII. As recently as the 1960s garden centres didn’t exist and gardening was strictly for old boys in sheds, yet today it has become the height of cool.

terrestrial

sport

BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

Channel 4

Five

Sky Sports 1

6.00am Formula 1: The Australian Grand Prix 9.00 The Andrew Marr Show 10.00 The Big Questions 11.00 Countryfile 12.00pm The Politics Show 1.00 Formula 1: The Australian Grand Prix 3.00 EastEnders 4.55 Keeping Up Appearances 5.25 Songs Of Praise

6.00am Tikkabilla 6.30 Doodle Do Making Moments 6.40 Big Cook Little Cook 7.00 Batfink 7.10 Rocket Boy And Toro 7.25 Rocket Boy And Toro 7.35 Three Delivery 8.00 The Revenge Files Of Alistair Fury 8.25 Diddy Dick And Dom 8.30 M.I. High 9.00 The Sorcerer’s Apprentice 10.00 Something For The Weekend 11.30 Film 2009 With Jonathan Ross 12.00pm Figure Skating: World Championships Highlights 1.00 FILM: Lt Robin Crusoe, USN (1966) 2.50 Coast 3.00 Cycling 5.00 Orangutan Diary 6.00 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Volcanoes See highlights. 7.00 Top Gear Motoring news and views from the usual team. Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May decide to buy secondhand lorries despite knowing almost nothing about the world of trucks, and then set about discovering how easy it is to be an HGV driver. Jeremy is also on the test track with a scary Porsche 911, a tame Lamborghini Gallardo and a surprisingly talented Labrador. And chat show legend Michael Parkinson is the Star In A Reasonably Priced Car. 8.00 Yellowstone Winter is around the corner and there are just two months for the animals to get ready or get out. Elk move down from the mountains to find food and beavers repair dams before ice freezes their ponds. As the snow and ice return, many animals move out from the heart of Yellowstone, away from the protection of the national park. 9.00 Monty Halls’ Great Escape Monty continues his adventure in the Scottish wilderness. 10.00 Proof There’s evidence out there, but where? 11.35 The Graham Norton Show Uncut Graham is joined by Zac Efron, David Walliams and Pet Shop Boys. 12.20am Heroes 1.00 My Voyage To Italy. 3.05 BBC News 4.10 The Super League Show

6.00am GMTV 9.25 Captain Mack 9.40 Horrid Henry 9.55 All Grown Up! 10.25 Finger Tips 10.30 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 11.00 Coronation Street Omnibus 1.15pm ITV News And Weather 1.20 The Colour Of Money 2.20 The Boat Race 2009 4.30 Meridian News And Weather 4.45 ITV News And Weather 5.00 FILM: Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets (2002)

6.20am The Hoobs 6.45 Planet Cook 7.05 Trans World Sport 8.00 4Sport: Destination 2012 9.00 Girls Aloud Special: Under The Skin 10.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.30pm Shipwrecked 2009: Battle Of The Islands 1.40 Friends 2.10 The Big Bang Theory 2.40 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 3.40 The Simpsons 4.15 The Simpsons 4.45 Deal Or No Deal 5.30 Time Team

6.00am Kid’s TV 8.30 Animal Families 8.40 Sailor Sid 8.45 Bert And Ernie’s Great Adventures 8.55 Roobarb And Custard Too 9.05 Roary The Racing Car 9.20 Rupert Bear 9.30 The Milkshake! Show 10.00 Everybody Hates Chris 10.30 Everybody Hates Chris 11.00 Numb3rs 12.00pm The Lion Cub From Harrods 1.00 FILM: To Walk With Lions (1999) 3.00 Aftershock: Earthquake In New York 5.45 Five News 5.50 FILM: Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid (1969)

6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 International Football 7.30 International Football 8.30 International Football 9.30 Sunday Supplement 11.00 Goals On Sunday 12.30pm Test Cricket 2.00 LIVE International Cricket 7.00 LIVE International Cricket 11.00 LIVE Test Cricket 12.00am LIVE Test Cricket

6.30 Channel 4 News 7.00 Heston’s Roman Feast Heston Blumenthal attempts to recreate the greatest feasts from history, with a modern twist. He creates a Roman feast for a group of celebrity diners. The feast includes pig nipple scratchings, calf’s brain custard, and a slow-cooked hog filled with edible intestines. For pudding, Heston rolls out the ultimate naughty Roman dessert: an ejaculating cake. 8.00 Come Dine With Me Four competitive cooks take turns to host their idea of the perfect dinner party. 9.00 The Secret Millionaire Successful scrap metal businessman Gary Eastwood goes incognito in Blackpool, working as a volunteer in the local homeless shelter and meeting the owners of a holiday home for terminally ill children. 10.00 Chris Moyles’ Quiz Night Chris Moyles and three guests compete in a quiz. Woooah! 10.50 FILM: John Q (2001) Gritty drama about a blue-collar worker’s attempts to get his son an emergency heart transplant after having been informed that his health insurance does not cover such a procedure. . 1.00am FILM: The Story Of The Weeping Camel (2003) 2.40 Coming Up: The Window 3.05 Perfect 3.20 Hill Street Blues 4.05 Time Team 4.55 Countdown 5.40 Grabbit 5.50 The Hoobs

8.00 FILM: White Chicks (2004) Starring Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Jaime King, Frankie Faison and Lochlyn Munro. Gender-bending comedy following two disgraced FBI agents who are intent on catching a devious millionaire. In order to carry out their mission, the pair disguise themselves as ditzy white socialites, the Wilson sisters. 10.10 FILM: Marked For Death (1990) Starring Steven Seagal, Basil Wallace, Keith David, Tom Wright, Joanna Pacula and Elizabeth Gracen. Explosive action drama in which a crack narcotics agent comes out of retirement to tackle a gang of Jamaican drug dealers who are terrorising Chicago. The case becomes personal when the gang’s leader starts using a combination of black magic and violence on the agent’s family. 12.00am America’s Toughest Prisons 1.00 Winter X Games 1.55 V8 Supercars 2.45 Boxing Classic 3.35 Boxing USA Action 4.45 Now Is The Time: Night Of Combat – Kick Boxing. 5.10 House Doctorx2

6.05 After You’ve Gone Jimmy’s parenting skills are tested when he discovers what Alex has been up to. Acting lessons? 6.35 BBC News 6.50 Regional News And Weather 7.00 The Hottest Place On Earth Experts and explorers investigate the incredible geology of the Danakil desert in Northern Ethiopia to find out how the people and their animals survive in the hottest place on earth. Kate Humble investigates how tough life is for an Afar woman and Dr Mukul Agarwal looks at the health issues faced in this most hostile of environments. 8.00 Antiques Roadshow Despite the wet weather, there are plenty of exciting finds, including a set of discarded posters which bring the house down with a staggering valuation. 9.00 The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency See highlights. 10.00 BBC News 10.20 Damages Acclaimed American legal drama. 11.00 FILM: In The Company Of Men (1997) See film highlights. 12.35am Weatherview. 12.40 Sign Zone: The Satanic Verses Affair. 2.10 Sign Zone: Holby City. 3.10 Sign Zone: Axe The Agent? 4.10 BBC News

8.00 Lewis When Lewis and Hathaway are called in to investigate the murder of a rising star on the Oxford theatrical circuit, they focus their suspicions on the cast. The victim is found with a planted note quoting Shakespeare - Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Among all the theatrical ambitions and jealousies, Lewis wonders if an actor really would kill for a good part. Meanwhile, Hathaway thinks he may have uncovered just who killed Lewis’s wife in a hit and run accident years before. 10.00 Piers Morgan’s Life Stories: Ulrika Jonsson Piers Morgan conducts an intimate interview with Ulrika Jonsson. She was one of the biggest TV stars of the 1990s, but became better known for her relationships. Now Ulrika tells the story of her life to Piers Morgan. She reveals all about her affairs, her lonely upbringing in Sweden and her meteoric rise to fame. 11.00 ITV News And Weather 11.15 Traffic Last of a three-part spin-off series from the Oscarwinning movie set in the murky world of illegal trafficking. 12.50am Guinness Premiership Rugby 1.40 The Big Tackle 2.35 The Cosby Mysteries 3.25 How To Blow Your Redundancy: 3.50 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

Sky Sports 2 6.00am Super 14 Rugby 8.00 Super League 10.00 Super 14 Rugby 12.00pm LIVE Premiership Rugby Union 2.30 LIVE Premiership Rugby Union 5.00 LIVE Test Cricket 8.30 Golf Night 10.00 LIVE Football 12.00am Premiership Rugby Union 2.00 Close

Sky Sports 3 6.00am Watersports World 7.00 Golf Night 9.00 WWE Afterburn 10.00 WWE Vintage Collection 11.00 Wild Spirits 11.30 Racing News 12.00pm WWE Experience 1.00 LIVE European Tour Golf 5.00 Licence To Le Mans 5.30 Wild Spirits 6.00 WWE Experience 7.00 LIVE NASCAR 11.00 WWE Late Night Afterburn 12.00am WWE Vintage Collection 1.00 Speedway 3.00 Close

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extraterrestrial Sky1

BBC3

BBC4

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ITV3

More4

Living

11.00am WWE Experience 12.00pm Futurama (x2) 1.00 Oops TV (x2) 2.00 Hello Goodbye 3.00 Bones 4.00 Malcolm In The Middle 4.30 Futurama (x2) 5.30 The Simpsons 6.00 Gladiators 7.00 The Simpsons (x4) 9.00 Lost 10.00 Fringe 11.10 Night Cops 12.10am Road Wars (x2) 2.05 The Villa

7.00pm Formula 1: The Australian Grand Prix 8.00 Gary: Young, Psychic And Possessed 9.00 Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps 9.30 Horne And Corden 10.00 Family Guy (x2) 10.45 FILM: Firewall (2006) 12.25am Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps 12.55 Horne And Corden

7.00pm Baroque! – From St Peter’s To St Paul’s 8.00 Japan In Colour: The Wonderful World Of Albert Kahn 9.00 How Britain Got The Gardening Bug 10.30 In The Shadow Of Fujisan 11.15 Newswipe With Charlie Brooker 11.45 Baroque! - From St Peter’s To St Paul’s 12.45am Proms On Four: Folk Day

1.20pm Animals Do The Funniest Things 2.20 FILM: Police Academy 3: Back In Training (1986) 4.05 Planet’s Funniest Animals 4.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 7.00 Primeval...Behind The Scenes 8.00 Primeval 9.00 Supernatural 10.00 FILM: The Ex (2006) 11.55 FM 12.25am Celebrity Juice 1.00 Entourage

11.25am FILM: Sabrina (1995) 1.55pm FILM: The Adventures Of Pinocchio (1995) 3.40 Goodnight Mister Tom 5.55 Agatha Christie’s Poirot 8.00 The Story Of The Costume Drama 9.00 FILM: Moll Flanders (1997) 11.30 Ladies Of Letters 12.00am City Lights 1.00 Goodnight Mister Tom

11.00am How To Look Good Naked USA 11.30 Beauty And The Geek 12.25pm Kevin Hill 1.15 Ugly Betty 2.10 Joan Of Arcadia (x2) 4.00 Ghost Whisperer 5.00 Friends (x2) 6.00 90210 6.55 One Tree Hill 7.55 Friends (x2) 9.00 Desperate Housewives (x2) 11.00 Dirty Sexy Money 12.00am Sex And The City (x2)

1.55pm Location, Location, Location (x5) 4.50 Come Dine With Me (x5) 7.30 Jamie At Home 8.00 River Cottage Spring 9.00 Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA 10.00 The World’s Strongest Child And Me 11.10 Father Ted 11.40 The IT Crowd 12.10am Curb Your Enthusiasm

12.00pm Lois And Clark: The New Adventures Of Superman 1.00 Home Video Heroes (x2) 2.00 America’s Next Top Model (x4) 6.00 RSPCA Animal Rescue (x2) 7.00 Nothing To Declare (x2) 8.00 Pop Goes The Band 9.00 CSI: Miami 10.00 Criminal Minds 11.00 CSI 12.00am Ghost Hunters International

G.O.L.D.

Paramount

Discovery

Sci Fi

Sky Movies

Film4

TCM

6.00am Charlie’s Angels 7.00 The Two Ronnies (x2) 9.00 Only Fools And Horses (x13) 9.00pm FILM: Anger Management (2003) 11.10 Dinnerladies 11.50 Only Fools And Horses 12.30am What A Carry On! 1.05 Charlie’s Angels (x2) 3.00 Home Shopping

11.00am Frasier (x2) 12.00pm Two And A Half Men (x2) 1.00 Frasier (x2) 2.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 3.00 Frasier (x2) 4.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 5.00 Frasier (x2) 6.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 7.00 Frasier (x2) 8.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 9.00 South Park (x12) 2.30am Eurotrash (x3)

11.00am Future Weapons 12.00pm Viking Boat Race (x2) 2.00 Born Survivor: Bear Grylls (x4) 6.00 Against The Elements 7.00 Ways To Save The Planet 8.00 Hitler’s Generals 9.00 Blitz: London’s Firestorm 10.00 Treasure Quest 11.00 Solved 12.00am Undercover: Double Life 1.00 A Haunting

12.00pm FILM: Riddles Of The Sphinx (2008) 1.50 FILM: Hell’s Rain (2007) 4.00 Firefly 5.00 Eli Stone 6.00 FILM: Jack Hunter: The Star Of Heaven (2008) 8.00 Sanctuary 9.00 FILM: The Lost Treasure Of The Grand Canyon (2008) 11.00 FILM: Mega Snake (2004) 12.50am FILM: Child’s Play 3 (1991) 2.30 Ghost Stories

10.30am Anne Of The Thousand Days (1969) 1.00pm The Apartment (1960) 3.10 The Seven Year Itch (1955) 5.00 Custer Of The West (1968) 7.30 Hondo (1953) 9.00 Duel In The Sun (1946) 11.15 Journey To The Center Of The Earth (1959) 1.30am Anne Of The Thousand Days (1969)

10.50am 4 Months, 3 Weeks And 2 Days (2007) 12.50pm Tube Tales (1999) 2.20 Mumford (1999) 4.15 Schultze Gets The Blues (2003) 6.10 Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993) 8.00 Infamous (2006) 10.00 Control (2007) 12.05am 4 Months, 3 Weeks And 2 Days (2007)

1.00pm The Addams Family (1991) 2.55 School Of Rock (2004) 5.05 Heaven Can Wait (1978) 7.10 The Man Who Knew Too Little (1997) 9.00 Mission: Impossible III (2006) 11.20 GI Jane (1997) 1.40am La Cienaga (2000) 3.40 Close

7.30am The Star (1952) 9.15 Easter Parade (1948) 11.10 The Spy With My Face (1966) 12.55pm An American In Paris (1951) 3.00 A Star Is Born (1954) 6.20 Auntie Mame (1958) 9.00 Absolute Power (1997) 11.20 The Swarm (1978) 2.05am Absolute Power (1997) 4.10 The Screening Room 4.35 Classic Shorts 08

Classics

Indie

041_LS416_TVmon

3/20/09

4:59 PM

Page 1

monday 30 EastEnders BBC1, 8pm Danielle puts pressure on Archie, but has she gone too far? Hell yeah! Doesn’t she know he’s made it his life mission to make her mother very sad? We’ve got Janine making more mischief as she offers an olive branch to Peggy, while Jean’s first day on the job doesn’t go according to plan. Make-up? Is she mad? Oh.

The Sex Education Show Vs Pornography Channel 4, 9pm Anna Richardson hosts a series which aims to tackle the nation’s sexual ignorance and reticence. Students from a secondary school in Norfolk get live interactive lessons in anatomy. Using live models they find out everything they need to know about the female body.

Legends Nana Mouskouri – the White Rose of Athens BBC4, 7.30pm Profile of Greek singer Nana Mouskouri, one of the bestselling female artists of all time. Featuring a revealing interview with Nana, rare archive footage and interviews with Harry Belafonte, Julio Iglesias and Charles Aznavour. Also footage from her farewell concert.

terrestrial

sport

BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

Channel 4

Five

Sky Sports 1

6.00am Breakfast 9.15 Missing Live 10.00 Homes Under The Hammer 11.00 To Buy Or Not To Buy 11.30 Cash In The Attic 12.15pm Bargain Hunt 1.00 BBC News At One 1.30 South East Today 1.45 Doctors 2.15 Diagnosis Murder 3.00 BBC News 3.05 Kerwhizz 3.25 Mona The Vampire 3.40 Pinky And Perky 3.50 Uncle Max 4.05 One Minute Wonders 4.35 Half Moon Investigations 5.05 Newsround 5.15 The Weakest Link

6.00am Kid’s TV 9.00 Harry And Toto 9.15 Finley The Fire Engine 9.30 Louie 9.35 Louie 9.45 Bob The Builder: Project Build It 9.55 Pingu 10.00 Big Barn Farm 10.15 Charlie And Lola 10.30 In The Night Garden 11.00 Dangermouse 11.10 The Flintstones 11.35 The Flintstones 12.00pm The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Figure Skating: World Championships Highlights 2.30 Escape To The Country 3.00 Murder, She Wrote 3.45 Flog It! 4.30 A Question Of Genius 5.15 Bargain Hunt Famous Finds 6.00 Eggheads Quiz. 6.30 Great British Menu The country’s top chefs compete to cook a homecoming dinner for the forces. 7.00 Yellowstone Series following America’s wildlife in Yellowstone. 8.00 Railway Walks Julia Bradbury takes a series of walks following the old tracks, overgrown cuttings and ancient viaducts of Britain’s lost rail empire.This week she hits Scotland. 8.30 Grow Your Own Drugs James Wong focuses on what he considers the unsung heroes of the plant world – roots. Using valerian, echinacea, ginger and marshmallow, he creates tasty remedies to help combat stress, soothe coughs, relieve nausea and boost your immune system. These are tried out by sufferers in need of help. 9.00 Heroes Drama series about people with superpowers. 9.45 That Mitchell And Webb Glimpse More highlights. 10.00 Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle Stewart looks at political correctness – has it really gone mad? 10.30 Newsnight National and international news stories. 11.20 The Wire Critically acclaimed drama series about drug dealers in West Baltimore 12.20am James Taylor: One Man Band 1.20 Best Of Later With Jools 2008 2.25 BBC News 4.00 GCSE Bitesize Revision:

6.15am The Hoobs 6.40 Planet Cook 7.00 Freshly Squeezed 7.30 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.30 Frasier 9.00 Will And Grace 9.25 Will And Grace 9.55 Brothers And Sisters 10.50 Without A Trace 11.40 A Brief History Of Fun 12.00pm News At Noon 12.30 Rescue Remedies 12.40 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 1.45 FILM: Green For Danger (1946) 3.25 Countdown 4.15 Deal Or No Deal 5.00 The Paul O’Grady Show

6.00am Kid’s TV 8.20 Look! 8.25 Thomas & Friends 8.35 Pocoyo 8.45 Mio Mao 8.50 Play! 9.00 Roary The Racing Car 9.15 The Wright Stuff 10.45 Trisha Goddard 11.45 Put Your Money Where Your House Is 12.15pm Put Your Money Where Your House Is 12.40 The Family Recipe 12.45 Five News 12.55 Wordplay 1.45 Neighbours 2.15 Home And Away 2.50 Wordplay Plus 3.10 FILM: Shadow Of A Doubt (1995) 5.00 Five News With Natasha Kaplinsky 5.30 Neighbours

6.00 Meridian Tonight 6.30 ITV Evening News And Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Bob puts on a brave front when the shop is measured up for auction. 7.30 Coronation Street Can Ken persuade the alcoholic Peter to seek help? 8.00 Empty House Syndrome: Tonight Jonathan Maitland investigates just why so many homes remain unused when the country faces an acute housing shortage. 8.30 Coronation Street Peter’s addiction has devastating consequences. 9.00 Law & Order: UK When an arson attack on a Turkish club claims 17 lives, DS Ronnie Brooks and Matt Devlin are under pressure to discover just who was behind it. 10.00 News At Ten And Weather 10.35 Al Murray’s Multiple Personality Disorder More hilarious sketches. 11.05 Harry Hill’s TV Burp What will he have to say about all the top shows, docs and dramas? 11.35 FILM: This Is Spinal Tap (1984) See film highlights. 1.05am Wanted 1.55 UEFA Champions League Weekly 2.25 Loose Women . 3.10 The Jeremy Kyle Show 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 The Simpsons Bart must perform community service at Grampa’s retirement home. 6.30 Hollyoaks Lauren is heartbroken when she sees Newt kiss Anita. Ste is nervous and excited on Amy’s due day. Elliot reluctantly agrees to help Archie win Sarah over. Sasha blames Calvin for splitting her and Warren up. 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 3 Minute Wonder: What Is Freedom? Short film. 8.00 Dispatches Behind-the-scenes investigation into a story yet to hit the headlines. 9.00 The Sex Education Show Vs Pornography See highlights. 10.00 The Secret Millionaire Successful scrap metal businessman Gary Eastwood goes incognito in Blackpool, working as a volunteer in the local homeless shelter and meeting the owners of a holiday home for terminally ill children. 11.05 Chris Moyles’ Quiz Night Chris Moyles and guests compete in a quiz about the week’s events.. 11.55 The Sex Education Show Vs Pornography See highlights. 12.55am FILM: I Heart Huckabees (2004). 2.40 FILM: Million Dollar Murder (2005) 4.10 Hill Street Blues 4.55 Time Team 5.50 The Hoobs

6.00 Home And Away Geoff accuses Nicole of flirting. 6.30 Monkey Life Series following the residents of Dorset’s Monkey World Ape Rescue Centre. 7.00 Five News At 7 7.30 How Do They Do It? Robert Llewellyn examines the feats of science and engineering behind everyday life. 8.00 The Gadget Show Jason and Ortis design and build a downhill soapbox race kart capable of going head-to-head with one of the fastest racers in Britain. Gail Porter tests her favourite April Fools’ Day gadgets, 9.00 Extreme Fishing With Robson Green Robson visits the rich fishing grounds of America’s eastern seaboard on the hunt for bluefin tuna, 10.00 Extraordinary People: Tree Man - The Cure Dede is an Indonesian fisherman afflicted with tree-like growths on his limbs. A doctor in America has proposed a treatment to cure him, but time is running out as medics in Indonesia press ahead with radical surgery. 11.00 FILM: Evil Woman (2001) Comedy about a trio of dim former high-school buddies. 12.50am NASCAR: The Sprint Cup 1.40 USPGA Golf. 2.30 AMA Supercross 3.20 Arenacross 4.05 Race And Rally UK 4.30 NBA 360 5.10 Neighbours 5.35 Home And Away

6.00am Good Morning Sports Fans 6.30 Good Morning Sports Fans 7.00 Good Morning Sports Fans 8.00 Good Morning Sports Fans 9.00 Test Cricket 11.00 International Football 1.00pm UEFA Champions League Weekly 1.30 Test Cricket 3.30 International Football 5.30 Soccer AM: The Best Bits 6.30 Big League Weekend 7.30 LIVE Elite League Speedway 10.00 Time Of Our Lives 11.00 Big League Weekend 12.00am Soccer AM: The Best Bits 1.00 Time Of Our Lives 2.00 FIFA Futbol Mundial 2.30 Sports Unlimited 3.30 Watersports World 4.30 FIFA Futbol Mundial 5.00 Max Power

6.00 BBC News At Six 6.30 South East Today 7.00 The One Show Stories from around the UK. 7.30 Watchdog Topical reports and investigations. 8.00 EastEnders Danielle puts pressure on Archie. 8.30 Panorama With soldiers and police once again being killed in Northern Ireland, Panorama offers the most detailed analysis yet of the terrorist threat in Northern Ireland. 9.00 Crimewatch Stories include the targeted attack that led to the torture of a father of four, and the police are closing in on the serial rapist who has evaded capture for 25 years. 10.00 BBC News At Ten 10.25 South East Today 10.35 Crimewatch Update Updates on recently-featured cases. 10.45 The Undercover Princes The princes return to their kingdoms to await the arrival of their partners. 11.45 FILM: Blind Flight (2003) Starring Ian Hart, Linus Roache, Bassem Breish, Mohammed Chamas, Dany Khoury and Ziad Lahoud. Drama based on the true story of the relationship between hostages Brian Keenan and John McCarthy. 1.15am Weatherview 1.20 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 2.20 Sign Zone: Darwin’s Dangerous Idea 3.20 Sign Zone: Axe The Agent? 4.20 BBC News

Sky Sports 2 6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 Powder Adventures 7.00 WWE: The Bottom Line 8.00 Powder Adventures 8.30 Golf Night 10.00 Premiership Rugby Union 12.00pm Super 14 Rugby 2.00 Tennis: ATP Masters 4.00 LIVE Tennis: ATP Masters 8.00 LIVE Tennis: ATP Masters 12.00am Elite League Speedway 2.30 Big League Weekend 3.30 Soccer AM: The Best Bits 4.30 Powder Adventures 5.00 Big League Weekend

Sky Sports 3 6.00am Speedway 8.00 NASCAR 11.00 Aerobics: Oz Style 11.30 Racing News 12.00pm Speedway 2.00 NASCAR 5.00 WWE Raw 7.00 IRB Sevens 10.00 British Rally Championship 11.00 WWE Late Night Bottom Line 12.00am WWE Late Night Afterburn 1.00 Extreme Championship Wrestling 2.00 Live WWE Late Night Raw 4.15 British Rally Championship 5.15 Wild Spirits 5.45 Close

Alison Swann

extraterrestrial Sky1

BBC3

BBC4

ITV2

ITV3

More4

Living

10.00am Stargate SG-1 (x2) 12.00pm Project Runway 1.00 Tim Gunn’s Guide To Style 2.00 Bones 3.00 Cold Case 4.00 Oops TV 4.30 Malcolm In The Middle (x2) 5.30 Futurama (x2) 6.30 Oops TV 7.00 The Simpsons (x4) 9.00 24 10.00 Night Cops 11.00 Ultimate Road Wars 12.00am Road Wars (x2)

7.00pm Doctor Who 7.45 The Real Hustle (x2) 8.30 Snog Marry Avoid? 9.00 Young Mums’ Mansion: The Dads Arrive 10.00 EastEnders 10.30 Heroes 11.15 Family Guy (x2) 12.00am Young Mums’ Mansion: The Dads Arrive 12.55 Snog Marry Avoid? 1.25 Horne And Corden 1.55 The Real Hustle

7.00pm World News Today 7.30 Legends: Nana Mouskouri - The White Rose Of Athens 8.30 The Book Quiz 9.00 Japan: A Story Of Love And Hate 10.00 Spiral 10.50 Spiral 11.40 Japan: A Story Of Love And Hate 12.40am The Book Quiz 1.10 Proms On Four 2008: Beethoven And Elliott Carter

1.30pm The Jeremy Kyle Show (x2) 3.45 Loose Women 4.45 The Ricki Lake Show 5.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 6.10 Judge Judy (x2) 7.00 All Star Family Fortunes 7.45 Creature Comforts 8.00 Primeval 9.00 FILM: Notting Hill (1999) 11.35 Coronation Street (x2) 12.35am Jack Osbourne

2.50pm The Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes 3.55 The Ruth Rendell Mysteries: The Secret House Of Death 5.05 Goodnight Sweetheart 5.40 Heartbeat 6.50 Ballykissangel 7.55 The Beiderbecke Affair 9.00 Piers Morgan On... 10.00 Clocking Off 11.05 City Lights 12.10am Liverpool One 1.10 Missing Persons

12.45pm Scrubs (x2) 1.40 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 2.35 One Tree Hill 3.30 Gilmore Girls 4.25 Hollyoaks 5.00 Friends (x2) 6.00 Scrubs (x2) 7.00 Hollyoaks 7.30 My Name Is Earl 8.00 Friends (x2) 9.00 90210 10.00 Samantha Who? 10.30 FILM: Down To You (2000) 12.20am Scrubs (x2) 1.15 My Name Is Earl

3.00pm A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4.00 How Clean Is Your House? (x2) 5.05 Relocation, Relocation 6.05 Deal Or No Deal 7.00 Grand Designs Revisited 8.00 News 8.30 Unreported World 9.00 Relocation, Relocation 10.00 Country House Rescue 11.10 ER 12.10am Brothers And Sisters

12.00pm Maury (x2) 1.50 The Fix 2.00 Nothing To Declare 2.30 Passport Patrol 3.00 Criminal Minds 4.00 Charmed (x2) 6.00 America’s Next Top Model 7.00 Home Video Heroes (x2) 8.00 CSI 9.00 America’s Next Top Model 10.00 Pop Goes The Band 11.00 CSI (x2) 1.00am Charmed 2.00 America’s Next Top Model

G.O.L.D.

Paramount

Discovery

Sci Fi

Sky Movies

Film4

TCM

5.00pm As Time Goes By 5.40 Open All Hours 6.20 Last Of The Summer Wine (x2) 7.40 Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads? 8.20 My Family 9.00 Only Fools And Horses 10.05 One Foot In The Grave 10.45 The Fast Show 11.25 The New Statesman 12.00am The Thin Blue Line 12.40 The Fast Show

2.00pm The Office: An American Workplace (x2) 3.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 4.00 The King Of Queens (x2) 5.00 Everybody Loves Raymond (x2) 6.00 Frasier (x2) 7.00 Scrubs (x2) 8.00 Two And A Half Men (x4) 10.00 Sex And The City (x2) 11.10 Scrubs (x2) 12.10am Two And A Half Men (x2) 1.10 Frasier (x2)

3.00pm Deadliest Catch 4.00 Time Team 5.00 Scrapheap Challenge 6.00 American Chopper 7.00 How Do They Do It? 7.30 How It’s Made 8.00 American Chopper Special 9.00 How It’s Made (x2) 10.00 Destroyed In Seconds (x2) 11.00 Crime Scene Australia 12.00am Crime Scene USA (x2)

11.00am 3rd Rock From The Sun (x2) 12.00pm Star Trek 1.00 The Invisible Man 2.00 Angel 3.00 FILM: Dark Storm (2006) 5.00 Quantum Leap 6.00 The Invisible Man 7.00 Angel 8.00 Haunted Homes 9.00 Eli Stone 10.00 Medium 11.00 Dead Like Me 12.00am FILM: Cerberus (2005) 2.00 3rd Rock From The Sun (x2)

10.05am White Savage (1943) 11.30 35mm 12.00pm The Great Moment (1944) 1.30 Holiday Inn (1942) 3.15 Topaz (1969) 5.40 The Palm Beach Story (1942) 7.15 The Bridges At Toko-Ri (1954) 9.00 Hellfighters (1969) 11.05 White Savage (1943) 12.25am Holiday Inn (1942)

12.35pm Away From Her (2006) 2.35 Year Of The Dog (2007) 4.25 Tumbleweeds (1999) 6.10 A Fish Called Wanda (1988) 8.00 The Hudsucker Proxy (1994) 10.00 O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000) 11.50 Away From Her (2006) 1.45am Year Of The Dog (2007)

1.00pm The Gift Horse (1952) 3.00 Victim (1961) 5.00 The Court Martial Of Billy Mitchell (1955) 7.00 Congo (1995) 9.00 Crash (2004) 11.10 Big Nothing (2006) 12.55am Glue (2006) 3.10 Close

9.30am Murder Most Foul (1964) 11.15 The Karate Killers (1967) 1.00pm Travels With My Aunt (1972) 3.00 Stop The World: I Want To Get Off! (1966) 4.55 Zandy’s Bride (1974) 7.10 Protocol (1984) 9.00 The Postman Always Rings Twice (1981) 11.20 The Bounty (1984) 1.55am The Screening Room

Classics

Indie