Modern Manners RE AL SIMPLE ’S E TIQUE T TE E XPERT, C ATHERINE NE WMAN, OFFER S HER BE ST ADVICE ON YO U R S O CI AL QUANDAR I E S.
I recently moved to a city three hours away from my old home. It was a last-minute decision, and unfortunately I wasn’t able to say goodbye to several good friends. One in particular was extremely hurt and said so via text. I texted her back a sincere apology and left voice messages with no response. I feel awful, but what else can I do? Is this a friendship I should keep pursuing if I am being ignored?
P O R T R A I T BY S A R A H M AY C O C K
S.M.
I think whether or not to keep trying is a question that only you can answer. Do you want to pursue this friendship? Beyond the current awkwardness, is this a person who is truly important to you? After all, you did leave her without saying good-bye, and even if that wasn’t necessarily a conscious decision, it’s worth examining the relationship. Maybe recent events have made you realize that you’re ready to let her go. And if not? Here’s my suggestion on how to repair things: Your friend is hurt, so muster as much compassion as you can and show up. Do this literally, at her door, with a heartfelt face-to-face apology. At the very least, send a snail-mail note, which can come across as a more sincere and thoughtful effort than the usual higher-tech routes. Tell her you’re sorry and that you hope she’ll forgive you. Then, fingers crossed, maybe she will.
AUGUST 2015
49
I live in an apartment, and the woman who lives above me is incredibly noisy. I can identify her by her stomp coming up the stairwell, and she constantly bangs her kitchen cabinets. My weekends are ruined by her incessant thumping and slamming. Is there anything I can do, or is this just one of those grin-and-bear-it situations? A. W.
About Catherine The author of the parenting memoir Waiting for Birdy, Catherine Newman has shared her wisdom on matters ranging from family and friends to happiness and pickling in numerous publications. She gets advice from her husband and two opinionated children in Amherst, Massachusetts.
REALSIMPLE.COM
There’s plenty you can do, as long as you approach the situation with grace and good humor. Begin by assuming that your neighbor has no idea she’s being noisy. Given that the din seems to occur when she’s simply retrieving cereal bowls or ascending the staircase, rather than throwing huge parties or allowing her brother’s band to rehearse at her place, this is very likely the case. Knock (softly) on her door and explain your experience in the most generous terms you can. “You’d have no way of knowing,” you can say, “but sound carries a great deal from your apartment to mine.” Describe the specific noises you can hear so that she grasps the scope of the problem. If she seems willing to attend to the issue, great—problem probably solved. If she’s baffled, you could try gently brainstorming solutions with her (putting down an area rug, what have you). If she’s unresponsive, you can discuss the building’s policies with your landlord. If you rent, check your lease. Some leases have noise guidelines. Some buildings note quiet hours, although they tend to focus on parties rather
