Your Square Life Issue #1

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Arise, Arise from your cultrual slumber America. I am not asking you to faithfully tune in to Masterniece Theater every week or fon sake your Beastie Boys CDs for a library of classical works. Lord knows I haven't. Ihere is no prerequisite to popular culturethat avows it must be

crap. But, to borrow a phrase from matically. Ask around,judge for your. leadership seminars, "think outside self. I am not trying to make you the boxn. Don't let the Man tell you smarter, or even more interesting. what to do. Don't buy the featwe se God forbid. Ijust want to save you lection from BMG, because, *Hell, it time and money If I see another small must be good, I saw'em on MTV yes- child playing Frisbee listening to the terday. It was the only video they most recent equivalent of an MC Hamchose to play that day" or get youp mer disk onhis stereo or anottrerta,ble books second hand from Opratr. propped up in a down-trodden home with the last clohn Grisham novel, I NoW I can feel you pulling away, mut- will know my appeal fell on deaf ears. tering, "But I was listening to this month's featured selection in the car $avor the present, mill the past, and and I liked This guy is some Iook to tle future, just dotr't accept counterculture anarchist trying to whatyou are given. 'open mymind'. I don't want to listen to Bengali revolutionary folk music It will be my humble task to open your and read a collection of pre0hristian, world andpresent to you some things druid love sonnets.n Nor do I dear you may not have seen before. reader, nor do I. Again,just because a number of otherpeople like it doesn't --Lee Enjoy. mean its crap. clust don't buy auto-

it.

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DEHTnOTS oF ltAlrrEss ENCYCLOPEDIA OF ABERRATIONS @ 1953

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ABULIA

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lw abvtLLa thereLs A severeLvwpaLrn+ewt of thewLLL 0r oowLof the wLLL. lne LwdLvLduaL experlewces A sewsl-

pLete aboLLtLow tLow

lhat

he Ls uwder

lhe

cona.VLete

d,owLwatLon of awother persow,

that the other

Versow's wLLL oovwpLeteLg dLrects aLL hLs thoughls awd, vwovewewts awd that Lw effect heLs wothLwg worethtw Aw

_

autowtatLow.

/r1

ACAIIII'IA -tne LwabLLttg k.woww as acz.thLsLa.

to

sLt d,aww or the dread,

sowe

LwdLvLd,vLaLs

to

sLt d,oww

Ls

wLth raLher severeVsg-

chowewr oses exVerLewce Lwtewse awxLety whew

theg cowter*pLate

sLltLng doww or actuaLLr4 d,oLwg so. Tneg are qvtLet fLrnig cowvLwcecl that whew Lheg sLt doww d,readfuL thlwgs wLLL haVVewto then*seLves or those abovtt thevw. rheg feeL that sLttLng d,oww portewds d,Lsasler.

AT'CHROLALIA

A streawt of fLLthg taLk bU ceytaLw tgpes of psgchotLc VatLewts.

A6ROMAI{IA

lrg

Aw LrresLstLbLe desLre to LLve ALlv\,e 0y away forwt evergthLwg awd evergbody.

Lw

the

opew cou.w-

AMATHOPIIOSIA

Aw abworvwaL fear of

dvLst.

APtt[0PilDstA

A v*orbLd dread of

LwfLwLtg.

APilR0ttrtflA eack. of co'lvLwLln sewse, As Lw slates o{ LwtoxLcalLow or certaLn lyVes of Vsgchoses.

Fi"ol the ?ncl

h"rt

^ever Lef

pLace

if heaL.

-Steven Jerre B"rnfteia

Tlro rront of it

rer

hov

(aco. lc uas iike a ceRemo-

nia[ mask on cuhich some inspined maniac had depicced eveRg coRRuprion op rhe plesh. Vce uas cheBe, and g(urcong; (usr a[so, and gneed. O.pnavicg and a6ominacion seemed ao ooze FRom gReaa pones chac rhe pupped .aucneaa op skin Bevea(ed. I c(osed mg eges mornencaBi(g againsc chis appanicion op incannace degnadacion. (i)hen 1 opened chem, I sau che ceaBs ue((ing FRom ho(es cuheBe hen eges shou(d have 6een.

From "rhe Girr who couldn't

i:;:,".":i:?""i1t;fi]":

C THE MOST OT excerpts from B00K 0F ITIE CAMP FIRI GIRIS

o

1956

uCharm

is that cerbain something about you that makes people decide whether they like not. bu have charm. From the time you were a baby, whether you know it or not, you have been culti a it. people probably you You have noticed what made like and, unconsciously, that has influenced what you did.

Everyone wants to be liked and you can cultivate your charm in manyways. Wtry not inspect yourpersonality and make a plan." uEven

though people are sympathetic and kindly towards the sad and the sick, they really enjoy those who are cheerful, healthy, full of vitality and good spirits." *People

want you to be interested in them. Ask them sympathetic questions about their own interests and be a good listener. Remember that people want to be liked and they enjoy and consider their pleasure as well as your own in the things you do together. Keeping the friends you have attracted depends upon some vety imporbant traits in your character. You will get along best with people if you are generous, cooperative, and always willing to do your share. Your friends want to feel that they can trust you, that your are reliable, honest, and loyal. And they will truly admire you if you have ideals - not ideals you talk much about, but ideals that guide your actions when it is necessary to make imporbant decisions. In a friendly, even joking way, you can stick to your own standards without making people think you are a *prign and the friends who are worth keeping will like you all the better for it.'

-Two

things are essential Slowing health and absolute cleanliness."

"A clean, normally developed, healthy body is more beautifullhanthe same body would be if it were unhealthybecause of lack of cleanliness and the presence of little defects which could be removed or made

less noticeable."

'If

you think you have cause for not being cheerful, reason possible. Critical, complaining, irritable people are not popular.'

it out and clear it up as soon as

Geltihg ir On !

From

3crualllc'

by llarc fanval, Dr.3.3-, D- Pc.,pc. F-

il9g3

tfy daugft*r IeIIe me lhat at hcr boardlng sohool scveral of hcr shoolmalca hayc "oruchcs" oh emc of thclr won crt tcaoh*e. What arc lhe lmplloatfot*? Is not stoh a "Io(c" for a womarr. c(cr, a tcaoher. omewhat abnormal and agalnst naftnc?

Such an qtfifude qs gou dereribe is definitelg of q sexuql nafure and shows that the $rl has reqehed the age wherr love is

possible. Her normsl derires, however, are inhibited bg an environment whieh deprivec her of the mqseuline friexdshipc and chqste love suited for her age. As qn qlternstive she will "ideqlize" her love for qn older person

with presfige and authoritg (the came gualities she hopes to find in the mqn she will love qnd admire) who will not bring shalne upoh her or $ve her q bqd eonscienee.

Never mqke

fun of cuch a $rl or tqke coercive meqsures

which might ugctallize this tempomrg behqvior into a perrnanent sttitude. The best wag to remedg sueh q sifuation is to interert the

in cfudies, sporfs, garner, 0r qmusements fhrough whieh she will have a ehanee fo rneet bogs of her own age-

$rl

How ls

lf posslbfc for normal and

heallhy patcnrs to havc abnormal bables?

A reeessive ftefor, of whieh the bqrer is totallg unqwqrc, sometime esn be found in the ehromosomie stoek of either par-

errt

Bg mere ehqnee this reeessive feetor csn eneounfs q similqr fuetor in the other pqrent Wherr this happens, these added fqctors ereate q predominant trqit in the ehild, who will thus haue to besr the burderr of the aeeumulqted abnormalities of his sneeJtors on both sides of the fcmilg. FortunateJg the chqncet of this happen-

ing are numerieallg verg small. Moreover it is peffectlg possible for ell the other children of the same eouple to be sbsolutelg normal. Evergthing deperrds upon the nqfursl seleefion of the chrom03omes.

ilert

lssrre:

If a man reeorte to maehtrbatlon beforc marrlagre. ulll hle eot, cyet htally Inhcrlt the eatne habli?

atD

Eow do proellhtfcc atold belngrpregnant aII jfie ilmc?

$r','

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Wasilla area, so all may see the hand painted signs proclaiming that lawyers do indeed "suck" and the US. Government is sodomizing the people.

(No, he does lot do children's parties)

His favorite spot to park is in fiont of the borough courthouse, especially

battle. (I'm sure he has become

a special favorite of court).

witd Bill ,.Wild

Bill"

is one the many

eccentric characters Alaska has to

offer. He has a fleet of something around twenty vehicles and trailers, ail covered by large signs, hand lettered on large slabs of plymood.

These signs aren't ads for, let's say,

toilet products or time share property in Hawaii No, his signs are loud and lewd messages, each ploclaiming a

Wild Bill's imposition

on our

town's collective consciousness does not

with just assaulting our eyes only with his vehicles. He is an imposing man in person. He is about 6' 1", Iooks like a ex-marine (he's got those qazy, staring eyes), and has a white hard hat with the words "Wiid Bill" emblazoned on the fiont, so if you ilidl't kuow who was spouting obscenities and accostilg womer, you end

ilo now.

I have never

had a run in

with

separate epitaph, each just as dear to Wild Bill's heart. His favorite tirades

Wild Bill m5rself, but I know many that have. I am rather proud of my

are against lawyers and the entire

own mother as a result of her confion-

judicial branch of the United States

tation with this village asshole. She was standing in the local post office, waiting patiently to mail a piece of

Government.

It

seems, as the legend goes,

W. Bill made a lot of money (around a miliion dollars) on some type of dtiliing equipment patent. He then went through a messy divorce, losing all his money during the course of the triai and the subsequent judgroent. Now, a iesser man, but this bout of bad

in walks Wild Bill. He does not meeldy merge with the end of the line, wait his turn while examining the latest Georgia 0'Keefe flower stamp set. No, he barreled in, shouting for all the women who were waiting in line to hear, "Now this is whai, I like to see, a lot of poteu-

fortune fortified Wild Bill, giving him

i,ially naked ladies!'

gentle rcaders, this would have broken

the strength to stick

it

to the lfan And stick it to him he did, in his own special, crazed way! It is now his persoual mission from God to make an asshole out of himself for the sake of some past slight. So Wild Bill takes every opportunity to patk his fleet of vehicles in the?almer and

correspondence, when

(Yes,

admit he is suave and oh

I

have to

so subtle)

my sainted mother whips around and sap, "Hey, why don't you shut up, no one wants to hear anything you have to say". And he miraculously shut up and meekly waited his turn in line while examining the latest So,

My fiiend Dom also had a

visit into the private, grand world Wiid Bill inhabits. The scene plaiis out like this: Dom is hanging out drawing at the Kashim Inn late one chance

night.

(The Kashim, for those who are

ignorant, is one of the few dinners in

when he is currently embroiled in some court

Georgia O'Keefe stamp set.

Tfasil]a that is opn most of the night and they have a decent plate of fiies)

Wiid Bill saunters in notices Dom is dmwing and approaches my fiiend.

Wild Bill was in need of an artist to pen his vision of the "new" American flag and he thought Dom may be the just the solid, up standing American to do

it.

So out of

his pocket, Bill pulis

out a napkin with a rough sketch of his proposed flag. 0n the uapkin were

two stick figures representiag Bill Clirtor and llillary engaged in a mude sexual act, with words to the effect of "In Sodomy Tfre Trust" smawled ol the bottom. Needless to say my fiiend did not jump at the opportunity and passed Wild Bill's offer to become the standard barrier in

the Wild Bill revolution. To my knowledge,

\flild Bill's flag remains

an unfulfilled dream.