Your Square Life #5

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Well, well, well . . .your Sqlare Ufe has made it to issue #b. I realiy didn't think I would find anything interesting to say after the first few

issues, much less, have anyone else find what I had to write interesting, but I've been a,nazed by the response I have gotten over the past months. 5rou 9qpre Llfe has found its wayto Seattle, Spokane, San Diego,Ailanta, and

imporlantlythe inmeasingyless culturallydestitute city ofAnchorage,AK. I wanted to take this time to answer some questions I've gotten about this zine you are holding in your hot little hands.

Porbland, SouthAfrica and, most

Chech owt the$e other great S{,aStsa zine8!

Wish I May edited by Matt Hopper (online) www.velvetclub.com

Ak Verve

edited by BMac (online and print) www. surfc afe. com,/akverye (note the cover ar[. Now you have to check it out.)

Q: Are you really "Approved by the Comics Code"?

Lee: No. It's aninsidejoke.

'tl.Sil:'Wâ‚Ź Wrra F#zz

Q: Where do you 8et your crazyideas?

Lee: I sift through the endless sands of cultural history, picking up the forgotten relics and regurgtate them for your enjoyment. Ihat and lots of coffee. I also atbract weird events and people, transmibing my experiences for your eqjoyment. I'll try to write down my experiences with the Children's lboll Coalition in SeatLIe some time soon.

Q: I4rhere does Dear Diarycome from?

Lee: These are former one-note charanters, some of whom I've been drawing on and off since high school, but never ca,me up with any back-story except for their snappyna,rnes. Ihe comics are concerned mostly with little monologues or themes myfeveredbrainwon'tgve up,some happy others melancholy Lookfor comics staring HappyMan, Bob tire Happy Arsonist, and Medusa, the Housewife in the nexb year.

FilOg

Q: Are those reprinted articles fromthe other issues true or are they some

kind ofjoke?

Lee I have a vast collection

of obscure titles I cull fron" mostly old psyche lo$cal texts. I wish I had the talent to eaft s ome of that stuff up out of my head, but no, its all true, well . . . true at the time it was written.

Q: I don't want to miss an issue, how do I ensure I get my hands on a pristine copy before the rest of the proles take them and goo them up? Plus, I have friends who desperately need a copy How do I ensure they will

not be left behind when your Cultural Revolution sweeps the land?

Lee: Have no fear. Email me your address at yoursquarelife@hotmail.com and I'll add you to the free mailing list and I'll nrsh you and your friends a copyanywhere in theworld. Please emailme with anycomments you have and let me knowwhat you think. I love to hear from readers.

Q: Do you mind if I

copyym

your Squere Llfe

1s cn lnclepenilent pubJ-1cet1on of lqua Fortls Deslgn,

Square Llfe on myown and distribute it in my

ereated. by Lae Pogt.

city?

Lee: Byall means. I encourage it.

Q: Who bankrolls this endeavor. Is it a rich multi-billionaire or secret

rlth your counnents, quastlons, to obteln add.ltlonel coples at .yours qu&rel 1 feohotmrl I . com

Pleese contect Lee anct

government a8ency?

Lee: 0drllyenough" no. I gladlypayall copyand mailing costs out of pocket.

I rnake alright moneyworking for the State and I feel ttris zine is my $ft the community Some may prefer more trees in the park or school books forthe kids, but this is whatyou get from me.

Q: How do you

knowelohn Mill.

Leo: He and I went to colege together at the University ofWashington and met while working together in a cognitive neuro-science psycholo$r lab. He is currentlylivingin SanDiego studyingtheoretical computer algorithms. For more information on the two of us see the article on the next page. As to the next lo$cal question, yes . . .we are both smarber than you are and our current plans are for world domination.

Don't tell anyone.

It'll

be our secret.

r11l deslgn your custon tetoos enct t-shlrts neklng you the envy of B1I your frlencl.s.

(But rere they your frlencls to begln rlth? )

Lee

111 ertrork enct sone of ths rell thought out prose 1s property of Lee Post anil. ls not to be reprlntoa or usecl 1n sny rey rlthout the exprass rrlttan permlsslon of f,ee "Super-Soul Surâ‚Ź-Shottri' Post.

John l(1lL -contrlbutor

of rev nenllness.

John

IUTURE SON'S NAMI: L: Wnston and I will mrke him speak in a British

aeeent.

[[ea, Fstherfl J: Helcor. Alco pertial to Karl and

LIVINC ARRANOIMENT: Lee: singe bedroom, swank bachelor pad, John: A gtudio spsrtment nearthe beach, A verg

athactive studio with a pool and cpa near at hand.

ARE YOU STILL IN LOVE?:

IAVORITE FOODS' L: Stir-fig and garrt6ed apple! hrith oeam and cinnamon,

L: No J: I think

but trevertogether.

L: Sponge Bob Square Pants, The Dqilg Show

J: Farseapellll Thouglr I think that theg need to replaee John Criton, with John Mill.

DO YOU SLEEP IYITI{ A STUIFED AIIIMAL?: L, Thir brings up bad memories, next question please . .

L:0reen Jr Blue

L: Thst's .

J: There is s Penguin on the night stand

TI{UNDERSTORMS

TAVORITE COLOR SIIOW:

- COOL OR SCARY?.

Pietionarg

L:

J: I

lithogruph bg Coop, Muche's \pring" poster, ete.

J: Tqcteful Jopanese teperhg, an orignal Doud (ako

L:

rtrtnDtTr I t Dnnv FAtWFt DWUI-:

L:

Like s Velvet Olove Cast in lron- bg Daniel Clower J: The lllisd. Thougfr r Dfink before the War is rlso verg good.

love thundergtorms! Ecp when I am ouf in the middle of

IS TI{E CLASS 1TALT EUPTY OR I{ALT

People percon.

TU

LL7:

hoxes.

L:

Who's on ta>?

J: lt would not be haf full 0r emPtg if gou had

IYttAT TYPE WAS Y0UR IIRST CAR, L: '84 Orenqda, bright gellow, (large car bqt never Jt

S MELLS,

Break Up (spring| in Alaska, Fresh Breqd Oil. Math in the morning.

J: 0lscier Notl. Park. Oun It's the smell of vietorg.

L:

W0RLD'

Completeness, tinged with success

J: Being in 0laeier Nrtl. Park wifh

loved ones.

W0RST tEEL|Ne lN TtlE W0RLD' L: Completenecc, tinged with frilure J: Lonelinesg

I tike whst I like, there is no quolifuing it.

J: Psgehedelie folk

tAV0RlTt L:

BAND,

Soul CougJring Builr to Spill

J: Robgn Hitchcock

WHAT lS T1{E flRST Tl{lNe Y0U T1{lNK Wl{EN YOU WAKE IN TTIE MORNING?' L: Should I lrg in bed longer or should I go Pee. (lleg fhese are honest ancwersf J: Whst q beautiful morning here in paradise!

TIITURE DAUCHTER'S NAME:

L:

Madeline, I will mqke hel spsak in a Freneh sccent.

Irr/^Vr/" r.n" l"ErrE, rqrq.l

9l

bmugJrt

enougfr.

elieked

W[{AT IS YOUR TAVORITE SNAPPLE?:

Lt 10% fruit luice rnd sugu, pleace. Water's J: Kiwi Shawbeng

Cutlass Supreme!

where it'g qt.

IF YOU COULD UEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE - W]IO WOULD IT BE?:

FAVORTTE MOV|E(S)?

L:

L: Sehitzopolis, Rushmore, Crumb. Waiting for 0uftnan,

Alreadg met Oliver Saeks. Norm Chomski would be too

,

boring.. . um . . . I reeentlg rewatehed a movie "rehitzopolis" bg Steven Soderberg I think h,e'd hit it off.

J, Homer. 0rSoerates. Xenophon if no one else is around.

J: Casrblanca, Das Boot, Seven Samurai, Strningrad,

IAVORITE ALEOHOLIE DRINK:

WIIAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?:

Love Serenade

Apoealgpse Now.

once nothihg exeept the bodg. um . . . nevermind.

L: Cosmopolitan, (not lust a smuftg magazine angmore.f

Lr tor

J:

J: Largest collection of conhsbsnd this ride

Molotov Coektail.

of the

Miscissippi

FAVORITE [IUSIC CENRE:

L:

'7O edueational posters, mg artwork, o signed

J: Dog. Big Dog. The kind thot ore often mistaken tor

with the ehieksf

tEElllle lN T1{E

WI{AT IS OII YOUR WALLS IIJ YOUR ROOM?:

L: lnquicifive, l've seen preeious fuw thundergtorms.

DOE OR CAT PERSON?,

J: Settlers of Catan

BEST

man. Sleding it where its

tastetulf

TAVORITE BOARD GAME:

L:

how gou hurt gourself

qt.

J: Skiing is for the weak.

them. A tremendous fueling of mortelitg.

IAVORITE

gou all had better ssk Kola....(read gesf

J: Stir Frs of DEATH11II

CROSS.COUNTRY OR DOWNI{ILL SKIINE7:

YOUR IAVORITE TV:

L:

Len.

I

J: Andromsehe

V{HAT IS YOUR

SICI IN

EHIIJESE ZODIAC? :

WI{AT IS YOUR TAVORITE NUMBER?,

L: "Muppet" J: I forget, I think

L: 44,

nerd

don't esk me whg.

J,e Wl{O IS YOUR TAVORITE POET?:

Lt

TAVORITE SPORT TO WATCII:

Charles Bukowski

L:

J: - flomer, nateh.

Oroin inlurg portioh skatebording/snowbording videos

J: Profucsionql Annoging

IT YOU COULD I{AVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WTIAT WOULD IT BE?, L:

Free lanee cuperhero.

J: UN Peaeekeeper

SAY ONE NIEE THIilE ABOUT TtIE WI{O SENT TIIIS TO YOU: L: [le's a good firend and gnqppg drecser.

J: Kills for fun.

TIAVE YOU EVER BEEN

L:

geh

J:

Yes

IN LOVE?:

PERSON

Manypeople do notunderstand thatthe movie we irnowasApocalypse Nowis afraud. Yet, sadlyit's tnre. I ran aeross the real script one daywhen leafing through the darkest part of my mind. It was lying actually in a well-

Iit corner, right nexL to my copy of "lhe .Ioy of Painfr:l Gardenin!1". B ound in bright brown leather mongoose hide, it seemed as if to say "Go Away." As a mAster of reverse psJ'cholo$, or nore acCurately tJte target 0f re'lerse psycholoS I was drawn to it. Blazed acposs the spine in dull geen print

No';,rhere, is there any mention of a sin$e light source. The t';,ro men ?re

actually s:pposed to be standing nea? a well-lit 7-L I in the darkest part of iho lliofncmocovJg..yv.\vuvv.r.vv4..J irrndlo Oh cnd tho 4R ia nrmad \Iinlatto t'hrrt thic nnlrr

a

appears in the stage directions). When I read this, as you are somewhat reading this, my mind raced for an answer. Why?

were the words, "Apoea$pse Right Nowl" Hopung that it was a self-helB te.xt or Time/Life How-to manual, I began to ?ead.

Quickl;r I back-peddled through the pages, scanning the texb for an answer. I was hoping tbat in my hurry I had skipped over the secti.on where ihe5'hs6 intmted sonne psychedelic substance (i.e.: cheeseburger). Ifhen I

Watching that grand movie, you would not thrnk that it is a pack of steaning lies. Parlially I think,this fact is hidden beeause of ttre overwhelming truth of the movie. And I don't mean that there were roving bands of helicopter gun-slups terrorizingV0 surf sets. I mean that the deep down reality of men at war is placed straiSht into your consciousness. As;r6u nnsyg farther and fa-rther up the river, you are made to realize ever more how decay and ruin are but three feet frorn our psyches. Tttat thenne is so central to the movie, and us, that you instantly lnow that it is the truth, and you simply cannot do anything but accept it, and agee with it. Bythe end of the movie you want to kill Krtz, and the dann buffalo, anel anything and everything arounrl you. In faet, had you a decent set of face paint and a large hife youwouldha-ve.

The utte r

tmth

of this movie is Coppola's

geat genius. It

is the camou-

that hides you from the ori$nal truth that was $ossed over. Like one of the gleat master w. orhs of art that is painted over with the sad portrait of a clown, the reality needs to be torn away from the fiction carefully flage

I am certain the scene most imprinted in your memory is of Marlon Brando,lit bya sin$e ]ight reflecting off of his bald hea<I. Mariin Schene is tiedto awall a,q Brando rubs his head and articulates his madness. "Such perfect crue$t'' Tbe idea that this was a world mastered by fear was smoldering out of his mouth. That's where the lie be$ns. Up to that point, both this new script and the movie are in perfect agfeement. It is t0 this point that I now drawyour attention.

In the ori$nal scpipt, Kurtz is wearing a plaid shirt and staring straight down the barrel of an unloaded 45. Martin Schene is holding the gun lrftile standhg on one foot. Ihat much is clearly written into the stage directions.

found none, I checked the page numbers to see if this smipt if I was missing a section. Shocked,I was faced withthe fact that this script was whole and nnmnloto rrrithfhoavnnnfinnfhltthpnorrncnnqncr^?apfnrrrhrtTrrrocroqdvv.{y.vevr v..wvfv.v-in$. Hoping that the answer lay fi:rther up the s*ipt, I read on, lhis is rqrhat

I found inthose pages.

Tap dancing o'rer slurpees, Brando begns !:is monologue.

"Ihe firstthin6ll didwhenl gothere,was move slowly Slowpeople are cnrrthindncch T urnc elcn t-inpd Tt was a long flghtl' Schene is supposed t0 nod at ttris point. "I ffawled off into the jun$e, very slo$Iijr It was as if time stood still. lllhich, is what was wanted. It took three days to gawl up that river. IVhen we finally $ot to the vill4le, vle ruere surrounded by children. We rsere the first murderers they had seen. One of tlern asked rse if I was a baby kiler. I said yes. I told hln that it was hypocrisy to only kill men. Equally opportunity demanded ilnt tJre women and children also die. 0therwise, the childrenwould Sowup into men, and the women would make more children. But logc is lost 0n the youngl, and he started to ey Humor is also lost on the young. I was on!;' hdding. We passed out balloons before passing out from exhaustion, I tied a little red one around the kid's wrist. I[hen we awoke, we found the balnnnci/ipnpd intollidont wrcv..w,r-vv cinnp thpwnprrpn dn

loons still tied to the'lr.rists. The wrists were dl collected around in pile. Ihe trough the ni$ht and hacked off e-rery balloon laden wrist. Ihe children were nowrumraging throughthe pile for their ovrn linbs. Some gave up andjust picked one that was close enoughl' Both men then paused VC had come

for dinner and polite conversation. Ihe details of this conversation are very important, but only if you thinktri'rial crap like "Spreading fite Lor/e" is going to save the world. "Spreading The Love" is something that I would rather put on toast. After the trite dinner conversation, Brando (now wear-

inga smokingjanket,

i.e.:

ajacket that's on fire) continues.

"It was then that I thou$rt to myself. What perfect terror. ITith this we could win the warl' 0r something like that. The rest of the suipt is really foggy at this point, and tetters off. Both Brando and Scheen throw themselves off a cliff after bowling.

to light in this whole monstrous world makes perfect damn sense. Doesn't that scare you? Here are tbese two men, out to kill people, and nowtleyare tap dancin$ around a slurpee nachine. How stupid is that? No more stupid than what they were doing five minutes ago. One of them was actin8 as a pagan god, while the ottrer was traveling up river to kill the other. Uh huh.

lttat na,ks a whole $ant mothballed battleship anount of sense. If Mr. Spock where here he would be shittin$ his pants.

Ri8ht. Verylo$cal.

As any inteligent, reasonable person, you are wonderingwhat the hell just happened! Had you seen this on the bi$ seeen, or havin$ rented it for the little smeen, you would be scratchinS your head tryin$ to find sense in thewhole affair. Whythe 7-1I? Whyths saeHn8jacket? Anrlwhatthe hell did Ijust spend 6.75 of myhard earned money on afilmthat had about as

much reason as a three year oldl?

I know that's exact$what I thou8ht. For days after rea.din8the s*ipt, I wondered about this. I threwthe leather bound piece of nonsense lnto a corner of my mind and let is sirnm er there for the next three years. I did my best t0live anormal life. I went to school, i worried a,bout money and I tried (and failed) to impress people whoI was told were inportant. But whenever a moment of quiet landed in my existence, the question burned straight into my consciousness. I was faced the meanin$less scene in that scipt and I had to wrap some reality around it. When no answer appeared, I did my best to push the questlon away I tried to woPry some more about monei, oP impressingpeople.

Ihen one day it hit me. A large bhre truck with Delaware license plaies. see it, let me lnow. I have a score to settle. At any rate, as I was rec overing from the ac cident (which was entirely my fault!), another thin8 hit me. As I was getting the stitches for thet,I realized what had eluded me allthis time.

If you

What's worse? Well,I willtellyou. Itre fact that you didn't notice tbat these people were behaving weirdly You may have thought it was N0RMAL. You fell for it! I did. What's more, you don't even notic e that you, yows elf are acting insanel;r You were sittin$ in front of a box (or a smeen) for several hours, believin$ this nonsense. If you died ri$ht then and there in some

million years from now someone unearthed your popcorn encrusted $ave, they would think that you were an idiot. If freakvolcanic disaster, and

a

they had access to the details of your life, they vuould be certdn of it. I{hat other parts of your life, if frozen by sudden rrolcanic activity wottld fuhnistic anthropolo$sts find funny? Your job? Your love? Ihe way that you treat those you care about? The way that you treat yourseU? Why I bet, these guys would sit there, smatch their, well, things, and sag "What a fucked up world they lived in. I wonder how it ca,me into bein$?"

And all along, you will be laughin$ so hard you could my, if you were there and watching because you knorv the answer. You let it happen! Someone out there (or a goup of someone's) have written down for you what your reality is. They told you what was important, and you believed them.

What's more,you have probablydone your best to convince someone else of the same damn lie. That is the beauty of the ori$nal scipt. It takes your reality, the reality that you were upectinS, and tries to show you that another one can exist. And that as nonsensical as it is, this other reality rrakes exactlythe same amount of sense asyours. You arenotwhoJrou a,re, you are who you have let yourself be in a world lied to you by others.

Ttrough in learning that, I realize that there is a paradox in tellin$ you.

For what I am about to say, in fact violates what I an about to say. You see, the point is that the whole thing is absurd. You are not supposed to be a,ble to rationalize it. You cannot explain it. Brando and Scheen ate acting insanely ltre only mystery is why didn' t you notice it from the be$nning.

They were in a place, far from home to kill people. llhat? Does that make sense ? Yes, it do e s. And fiIAT S IHE REAttY NUTTY PART! ! ! Ihat H lli n g

Don't )ie to yourself! Don't lie to mel Write your own script and decide your own existence! 0r just tap dance for the rest of eternitywith Martin Schene and Marlon Brando. Whatever you do, make certain that you em-

someone ma,kes sense. fite whole premise of man's inner darkness coming

brace the shear damn absurdiW

Darunit!

ofit all.

Sotre

dont

days I

urrant

to

c.et otrt

ol

Sorne days I dont want to stay owt o$ ged.

sed,

:

J?

ttl ?:f [,

Sorne days that choice is rnade $or rne.

L

G

,^QJ

A Life is too unce.rtian I already lost

What else have in

++fr"NY-

Kry) ,,'Alr//.m qo

to

rgt

where lrn supposed

I

doe.s li+e

store +or

fhe?

lrn sure this is

v

d:

Watchirre TV is $irre, ewt lrh dont this is ryry liles r:oal. lt could ee sLrt its doustlul.

thinf ..

.

school.

to

ge.

S

PatrolirrE tle area, scanninq the re.iehsorhood lor evil doers.

. . . I have,nt $ound an e.vil

aoer yet.

l'rnn

I aM ever honirr. rny physical srills,

fY

li-it.

d-."" \?1

ffiaLF$ Sofvre

{lr"'3

fioay

crkicize try pursuits as sel$-servi^e.

swt i$ frn nst willirra to ptrt rny lile on the lire.

$or

rvry

lellow

rvran,

then

rvriqht as well nort cret owt

I

of sed.

Deer Dlery

by Lee Post

.

It Lre.s 1ts benefl'ts.

I know I'm belng blown smoke. ;<,

JS ;_

un)er c-ooltl

frE X1 \ .r-' I

G

=\

fiB

.{-z

-:=

Mostly, 1ts Just torture.

2\ -t' -

{1de (^., 'i I see the seme thougLrts, the same persone.J.l.t1es pJ.e_yeiL out 1n successl.on.

ilF4

\

()

The sa.me problems, the sgme lrce levent concerns.

('"

tz

tt

Day 1n end clay out, expend.ed. to s grand- scele.

Everiley, people ere creftl.ng the seme anthlIIs 1nto mountlc,ns.

Its my Job to knock the mountlens dorn

7,s

*zt tl/. .' ,, '

# 'tW

p-.

Pt

,'-".

./tt./'

o

\|y'-

Somedeys I d.o.

Somedays I tet the mountlans bu1].d.

fr:))d';

W lv

tether l-ts out of splte or llzlenss, I st'-ll d.ontt know.

l*,1

If I rest, the prolrlems stlll mount.

"'r,t\,

8:4 .0tl

$

vG \4,,

8;

P

!D e

a .=

Meklng my Job lrarder, maklng me need rest even more. to .t

$;

r, a

"9.

f,hen I f1nd. t1me for myseJ.f, I 11ft relgths. Its not fo the hrer]-th benef1ts. To be tronest, I dont' know 1f 1t does anythlng for me. It glves me e. etranee to focus on sometLrln* other then peopJ.e.

,rrrr6 It al].ows me to wetctr tLre socla]. d.cnce rltLrout . wltkrout lnterect!.ng kree.ds. lnto thelr Jumplng

People 1n e Sfmr bcr vtrere ever, look llke bees.

.?.\..

everyone 1s Just look!.ng to st!.ck l.t to the!.r fellor men ln one tay or nnotkrer.

end

transmission

-Len

Everyone rl.8gJ-l.ng

lround., straklng tkre!-r tell. Iooklng for e. Il-ttle ectlon.

DOJI'T TRY THIS T}HONE

T}RAI{K -EWr

Readers though I am an enli$htened, kind soul, sometimes I get overcome bythe compulsion to perform acts of evil. It could be the vibrations coming to me from the metal plate in my head, the

voice of Satan, or right wing talk radio signals picked up by my fillings. At my lowest point, I persuade others to joln me in my evil pursuits. This is a tale of one such evil pursuit.

A brief family history: I have a mother named Mom, a father named Dad, and one brother, two years my junior, named .Iason.

These relationships play an integral part in the story. Diagram the family tree if you must to keep up with the story. I write quickly.

Thus the sttrrq

begins.

As a junior in high school, I had a friend who attended a hi$h school in the nexb town over. (Well, actually more than one, but I will onlytalk aboutthe one for nowto keep the storyrollin$ along.)

This friend, Ali, was a friend of mine and she later be$an to hang out with my brother. As time wore on, she spent less time with me and more time with my brother. It was just as well;I was hanging out with my other friends (whom I won't discuss to keep the story rolling along). The rest of myfamilythought it odd that ajunior in

high school would be spending all that much time with a freshman, especially clason, an awlnvard boy with severe acne, bad body odor, and a noticeable lisp. (This actually doesn't desmibe my brother a.t all. He is a rather handsome, athletic boy, but it is my story and I will describe him as I wish.)

So eventually, this pathetic young lad had a date with A.li to go watch her sister's cheerleadin$ championships at the local hi$h school one evening. We were rather proud of him, because tttis was the most attention he had gotten from a female since he went to the dermatologist to have an acne treatment for the pimples on his behind. (A.lso, not true. He was well liked by the women, but it is still my story) As he was waiting on the steps outside our house for Ali to come pick him up,I went to take a nap. I woke up two hours later and found my brother still sitting outside, looking dejected and more pathetic than usual. He had been stood up. Normally my brother and I don't get along, because in addition to his severe physical deformities, he has a number of annoying, antisocial personality traits. We put his differences and problems

aside and decided we were going t0 get even.

AT H$G: REVISITEIIBEGIN$ TIERE-

IVe decided callingher and asking for a mere explanationwould do no good, as she would be prepared with some lame excuse to why my brother missed out on his life long dream of watchin$ prepubescent $irls in short skirts jumping around in a gym, an event that may have turned him off his eventual teenage preoccupation

with buggering farm animals. It was decided after a long deliberation at tJre family kitchen table that a phone prank was in order.

We thought about a simple "taunt and giggle" phone prank may suffice (Hello, is I. P. Freely there?), but there was no lasting sting in that. An elaborate prank was required, involving the entire family.

-Begin phone pranh 10:00 a.m. The day followin$ the event. I phoned AIi. I asked her if I could talk to my brother, as we needed to pick him up to run some errands with the family A.li said he wasn't with her. I told her I assumed he spent the night at her house, as he did not come home the night before. She said she never came to pick him up last night because she was running late and forgot to get him. She apologized. I said I was napping the night before but distinctly remembered a car coming to pick him up. She stated she did not come to our house, he did not come with her, and she did not know where he was. I cursed and told Ali that I would attempt to find him and would contact her later in re$ards to his whereabouts.

11:50 a.m. My brother, clason, phoned Ali, speakin$ in hushed tones. He informed Ali he was surreptitiously phoning her. He said he told our parents that he did spend the ni$ht at her home and she should inform our parents, if asked, that she was playin$ a "joke" on them. He said another teen came to pick me up for a party involving alcohol. As I was asleep, he said he went with them in my place. He went on to desmibe the high level of intoxication he achieved the night before. He toldAli she needed to cover for him, as he would $et in trouble if she did not lie and tell my parents he was with her. In the back$round I could be heard calling him for lunch. He said he had to $o and he would talkwith her later. He pleaded with her to "back him upJ'

18:00 a.m. I phoned AJi, askin$ her if my brother had really spent the night at her house. I told her I didn't appreciate the humor of her joke as I spent over an hour phoning his friends attempting to locate him when he was apparently at her house the

the phone again.

Two months later, our mother asks us if we ever called Ali to tell her about the prank. We told her she probably fi$ured it out by now No caJl was made.

Three months later, Ali sees my father at a Christmas party and asks him if clason is still grounded. In typical father fashion, he nods in agreement, without hearing the question, as he eyes the Christmas cookies located behind her.

letAIi guilt prank. about or intellectual curiosity The know about the what will happen next overwhelms us and we telephone Ali. My Six months later, my mother asks us if we ever called to

whole time. She stammered for a period of time. clust as she be$an to form an answer, my mother grabbed the phone from me asking, "Who is telling the truth here? Was clason at your house?" Ali began to stammer again, alternating between answering yes and no. She then began to sob, saylng "I can't lie to you Mrs. Post, he went out to a party with Lee's friends and $ot drunk. He wanted me to lie for him but I can't." At this point, clason starbed screaming, "AJi. ..Ali.. .]rou were supposed to back me up . . .Arrggg! Mom . . . I didn't . . . She's ly-rng. ..Who are you goingto believe . . .Argg . . .I didn't mean tol' Meanwhile my mother was screaming away from the phone, ",Jason, clust wait until I get my hands on you.

Come here now!" This was accompanied bythe distinct sounds of slapping. .Iason answered back with, "Mom . . . don't . . . arrrggggg!"

I quickly grabbed the phone and amid the screaming in the background I told Ali I would have to ca,ll her back tomorrow, as Mom had to "talk" with my brother.

brother carefully explains that the events surrounding those phone calls were all fabricated. He never went to a parby or received any punishments for sneakin$ out. He explained that we were attempting revenge for standing him up. She countered, telling him she wasn't going to believe any more of his lies, as she had heard everything on the phone. My brother shrugged his shoulders and handed the phone off to me. I gave the same explanation and told her that the whole family, with the exception of my father, was in on the prank. She requested to talk to my mother. My mother confirmed our confession. Ali shouted into the phone, "I hate you, I hate you alll' She subsequently hung up. My father entered the room and askedwhat she was so angryabout. We explainedthe events and all had a hearty laugh as a family at her expense.

-End phone pranhMy brother was avenged,Ali received

her

comeuppance,

and a little more evil was let loose on the world from my fe-

vered little brain.

The moral of the story

9:00 a.m. The nexb day My brother phones Ali, speaking again in whispered tones. He said, venomously, "I hope you're happy you little squealer. My mom said I can't $et my driver's license for over a year and I'm grounded from the phone and TV for two months.

Thanks a lot. Some friend Jrou are. Wha? I've got t0 go coming. Thanks again for the helpJ'

...

someone's

is

cross the Post family

or you will pay with your undying soulJ' Good day.

10:00 a.m. I

comes

around" or "never

phoned AIi to tell her about my brother's exben-

sive punishments and to thank her for telling the truth to my mother. I talked to her about what a shame it is that my brother will not be able to get his license for a year as he was previously preparing to take his driving test within the next few weeks. I told her it was probably all for the best, but it is too bad she didn't come pick him up like she was suppffito, as all of this probably wouldn't have happened otherwise. I iold her not to worry as my brother will most likely call her within a few months when he is able to use

"what goes

around,

-Lee Post

-=\,,

/4

lllusle I Hnou aBoub bHab

maHBs Ine GoolBt'bHan gou ll

seems one can not publish

specler of posluring aomes inlo

play.

a 'zine for very long before lhe

ominous

Cold

Rodriguez

Bs lee Fosr

Fact

While in lhe macho, dog-eal-dog world

of real life, this posluring oflen is displayed by pouring money inlo one's cer ol of obsaure football lrfuia.

This album is aboul as obscute as they

get. I gol one of lhe songs

ln

fiom the album lncluded on a mil lape from a frhnd lhal lfues in South Afri,aa.

lhe world of self-publishing, this is replaced by pushing lhe boundaries of self-

0n lhe firsl lislen, lhe song "Sugaman" sluck oul. ll sounded like smoolh Portishead tune. lncluded rlith lhe lape was a scrarled nole that read %sk me

asloundlng erleryone

wilh your anazing

knowledge

disclosure in your wriling, or in lhis case, elpounding on obsaure bands

lhal

you

lhink are aool, bul are probably unknown lo all but yourself. I do nol feel loday

aboul Rodriguez/.

like wriling aboul my daily loilel habits or my arvhard, leenage, unrequiled

web sile in Australia

ctushes, so here ule go wilh bands. Don'l lel lhe facl you many nol have heard

album rtas published in America in

aboul these bands scare Japanese noise bands

mean

you. Lel il

free

you. I

have put no elperinenlal

or any pre-pubescenl, kazoo-playing, folk musichns lhal

rrell, bul sound horrible. These are good, solid, mostly American bands . . . lrusl me. These are bands I piaked up

il

has been

for lhe lasl

Afler

reseatching

*af

fot sevetal houts, I was

had informalion aboul the

1968. ll

able

artisf. ll

lo lurn up

one

lurns out the

never made a splash slaieside bul

a huge cull favorile in Aushalh, New Zealand, and South Afiica 3? yearc. Rodriguez was lhoughl dead oI a drug ovetdose ala Jirmi

Hendrir since lhe lafe sixties as well, bul

(nol much difference

l'll betl

il

lurns oul he was jusl liling

Minnesola

inpulsfuely, never having heard some of lhem before, and they lurned oul lo be

lhis record. I traaked dorn an imporl copy on Amzon.aom. Every ltack is

some

gem. ll is

of my favoriles.

somewhal in lhe vein

lyrbs, but all lhe Vsrious Artisls Dynornic Sks Vol. have nevm seen volume

before lhe ska and reggae wenl lheir separale ways, when

rilh lhe

never heard of any of lhe arlisls (The Maylals, The Chamersf

lo flip on while your laying in lhe

if

, bul lhe

lhe infeclious grooves makes a good you are lrying

lo

CD

impress your fiiends al

your nerl parly.

Tle Anrzing Royrl Crorns Tle Anrzing Royrl Crorns Ofl

confused

wilh lhe Royal Crown Review, lhe swing band,

lhese

guys are a badass punk/roakabilly outfil who have pul oul only one self lilled debul disk lhal I know

of.

The disk was reprinted lhtee llmes, each reissue

everbigger labels as lhe previous pressings sold

is

required listening while drfuing during

danger

of a

speeding lickel

oul. This is anolher

lhe summet, bul

I

on

record lhat

am perpelually in

or shooling my car off lhe edge of a cliff just for

kicks. They've gol lhe horns. They've gol lhe updghl bass. They've gol the songs aboul fasl cars, wiskey, and wayward women.

dancing, or

ai leasl kicking lhings Devil'. Nuff said.

This disk makes me feel like

randomly when

eva

I

crank

il up. Best

track is "Do lhe

0hscure 'zine

frct #l: a lyrb

Eslablishmenl Bluesd, lislening

lo them you would

swear

everl song is

newly

minled. Hunt lhh album down, buy it and you loo can call yourself cool fot once and mean il.

l've

grass 0n a summer day, drfuing around lown

with your head oul the windor or

conscious folksy

of mulliple lislens. Though some of lhe

biggesl

music.

influence in Jamaica at lhe llme was boollegged Amerban soul

earnesl and innocenl lyrics along wilh

a

litles of lhe songs arc daled, e.g. "This is not a song, it's an oulbutsl,' or, lhe

1

lro and I pioked it up on lhe discounl rack al Camelol Music a few years back. ll was t5.99 well spenl. ll is lhe best old school ska (1960's eraf compilalion l've found. These are lhe bands playing I

of Bob Dylan, with its sochlly

songs bear lhe wei,ght

in

and had no idea of lhe popularily of

who pul oul music you would like

from lhe firsl cul on lhis album inspired

the tille of lhe zine you nou, hold in your very hands.

My Mornrraie talked to your Mornrny and wdre. qoi^q to re $riends now.