A Mathematical Problem: Nine Interviews About Dating (or not) in Menton

By Sara Dell'Acqua

In the last weeks I had some conversations, with different friends, about how relationships and dating in Menton are a bit different than the experience one would expect in university. We had always thought of ourselves in big cities and schools, meeting new people, going to so many di erent places. Menton presented some challenges, with a cohort of less than 400 hundred students and very few places to meet up. This article is the result of nine interviews with students about dating (or not dating) in Menton. The names used in the article are made up.

All of the interviews started with the question: ”What did you expect from dating in university ?” The answers were amusingly different. “My expectations were very high. Here’s the thing: my parents met in university. My grandparents met in university. My aunt and uncle met in university. My cousin and their partner met in university. In my family you find the love of your life in university. Until now, I didn't find the love of my life but it's okay,” said Freya, a 1A student.

Kristina, another 1A, was very influenced by some conversations she had: “I met some 2A students this summer and they told me that in Menton everyone hooks up and it gets really crazy. They were like: ”It gets insane and like, everyone just does it.” And I was like: ”Oh, wow, I don't know how to do that stuff .” Most people, though, seemed to just “have expected a few more options.” The “mathematical problem” of the number of students came up a lot and especially in the form of the lack of privacy and of the girls to boys ratio. We also talked about some other stuff : the price of planes, the lack of meeting spaces, a world made for extroverts, the beauty of discovering places with someone else and the issues of long distance in Menton.

“Do you feel like there is enough privacy in Menton?” Maria, a 1A student, has quite a clear answer to the question: “Absolutely not. Absolutely not.” She did say “absolutely not” twice, as if once did not convey the concept. In the words of Melissa, instead, “A walk here becomes a catwalk.”

Most people I interviewed almost laughed when asked about privacy on the Menton campus, then they looked at me to try and understand if I was joking. “In so many occasions people knew who the person I made out with was before I knew who the person was,” recalls Edward, a 1A. During the interviews, I heard some picturesque stories about how the Mentonese gossip spreads.

More than one person told me that they heard voices about being involved in relationships while they were at the very initial stages of dating.

“Everyone started saying we were together just because they saw us holding hands,” said Vera, a 2A, while talking about people speculating about her and another student she dated for a while. “After all that gossiping, I even avoided being seen around with him,” she adds.

“At the end of the day there are only two train stations, you cannot even escape. It happened to me last week. I was getting on the train (to go on a date) and three di erent people asked me where I was going,” says Freya.

Miriam, a 1A, is one of those that laughed when asked that question: ”When I started seeing the guy I’m seeing now, I was feeling all private and secretive and mysterious but everyone knew and I did not even tell them!”

“We see it with couples that we do have at school: everyone knows who they are. People pay close attention to them: the way they interact in and out of class,” adds Kristina.

I don’t have any data on hand, but the impression I get, and most people around me get, is that in Menton way more people are in long-distance than anywhere else. At the same time, Menton is definitely not in the ideal position: ”Flights from Nice are really freakingexpensive,”saysKarina andshe’s nottheonly one to lament the di culty of moving around. “There were direct flights to the city where my ex-partner lived, but they were always either too late at night or too early in the morning and I could not get there with the trains,” says Marco, a 1A student. Karina also explains that at times her long-distance relationships have sometimes been a way of getting mentally away from here: “My disappointment with the environment, if anything, would have made me be more like, you know, dependent on the person I was dating. My relationship was based on the fact that I hated it here.”

“I hated Menton during the first semester, because in my head I was with this guy in Paris,” says Miriam. She’s telling me about how long-distance impacted her experience in Menton. “I was only waiting to go to Paris, every time, it was the only thing in my mind. I had an app on my phone that would tell me how many days until the next time I could go to Paris,” she continues.

Melissa told me. Miriam had a similar opinion: “When I date someone, I usually don't spend that much time with them because I love having my own life. (…)But here I have so much free time that we do a lot of stu together.” Both of them added that experiencing Menton with someone else made it more exciting and fun.

Some, though, feel like there is just enough time for them to build and enjoy a connection: ”The guy I’m seeing is going to a very far away country next year, I don’t think we’ll continue speaking. (…) If I meet someone next year, then I’ll be the one to leave.”, says Miriam.

“I mean, it's a very, very temporary thing. We are here for two years. I don't know, the people I've dated in my life were always people I've known for a really long time. Two years is just not enough for me to feel a connection and start dating someone,” Karina tells me.

When asked about why so many people are single on campus Kristina had a straightforward answer: ”It’s a mathematical problem, you know. There are like 70 percent girls and I am not really interested in girls.” Vera said almost the same thing: ”There are like ten boys: some I have been with, some my flatmates have been with, some are gay. That’s it”. Both Kristina and Vera expanded on how they think this impacts the Menton environment.

“It’s like what Levi-Strauss (sociologist who studied family) said: people are monogamous because there is one man for every woman: that just does not apply here,” says Kristina and then she adds: ”They (the boys) are doing the choosing and it brings you to ask ‘Why would they choose me?’ It fucks with your selfesteem.” When asked if they have ever felt restricted in their dating life by the size of campus, most of the women interviewed said yes. Maria, who identifies as bisexual, also brought up that: “There are really not that many queer women.”

“There are plenty of beautiful girls: all the girls are so beautiful and kind and smart. The guys are so few and they are just there,” added Miriam.

Marco tells me about how his perception of Menton changed since he and his partner broke up: ”At the beginning I cared less about everything that was happening in here, I think it was because I had something outside that I was part of. Now that that has ended though, I think I can just be more open. Not even sexually or romantically, I just have more time to do my things instead of being on Face Time.”

When talking about relationships in Menton, one topic that came up in di erent forms is time.

“I’ve been with someone for six months now, but I think six months here are like two years anywhere else,”

Kristina even added: ”This is the worst place to be after a break-up. People tell you there are so many fish in the sea, but there just aren't any, besides the actual fish, you know, in the bay.”.

One of the boys interviewed recognized the problem but also didn’t hide that things were working out nicely for him: ”I've never had so many girls and, like, the ratio is incredible.”

Vera seemed very saddened while pointing out how this influences female friendships: “I know of a lot of friendships that ended because of boys, even important ones. When I got with a guy, I found out one of my close friends liked him. I don’t think stuff like this would happen if there were more people.”

All this talking about options and numbers, though, brings another question: is the place that small or do we just always hang out with the same people? Opinions on how easy it is to meet new people, even just as friends, varied. Edward for example says that “There are so many things going on. Between the classes, parties, the association events, just crossing them when you're going shopping. You can meet people anywhere.”

Others, like Kristina, brought up that the environment is more fit for a party-type than anyone else: “If you don't like to engage in the party culture, it's a lot harder for you to put yourself out there.”

Di erent people brought up hookup culture during their interviews: “(At home) people were always in relationships. There wasn’t much of a hookup culture. (Here) especially at the beginning of my first year, everyone was just fucking everyone,”,tells Karina. Some feel like the hookup culture is really not for them: “Usually people get to know each other, go out, and then maybe something happens. Here is the opposite and it just does not suit my personality.”

Melissa instead brought up intentionality in creating new connections: “There are few people, it’s true. But we also only know people from our circles and we don’t try to meet new people. There are 400 people, but I don’t think we really put e ort in meeting and talking to those 400 people. We don’t intentionally expand our community. You can create and deepen your connections if you want to. Menton allows you to spend lots of time with others.”

Some months ago, I was on the phone with a friend studying in London. She was telling me that she felt stilla bitalienatedand likeshe didnot findherpeople yet.

“I know it’s not a nice thought but I think, you know, if I was dating someone I would not feel like this.” I had to agree, someone to connect with seemed like a beautiful prospect, especially during the first months in a new place. I was not the only one to think so.

“At the beginning, I thought that if I met someone this could actually be paradise on earth, also because you see all the people in a relationship that seem to be having the time of their life”, Freya told me. She, like me and my friend in London, changed her mind as the months passed.

“Slowly, with time, you understand that it's not like that: that it’s not the only way to actually enjoy what you have here. Actually, friendships are even more important here, in my opinion.”

In fact, friendship is a topic that came up a lot. When asked about the impact of her dating life on her experience in Menton as a whole, Vera commented: “I did not date much this year and, you know, the absence of it had a positive impact on my experience. I just had so much more time and energy to deepen my friendships.” I must agree. In the past weeks, maybe thanks to some birthdays and other similarly joyful events, I have felt so grateful for my friends here and the role that they play in my life here. As my friends and I walked home or studied next to each other or cooked dinner or had a drink or chatted or danced, I just felt overwhelmingly lucky. Menton might not make the perfect environment for a crazy dating life, but it allows time and space to create connection and it might be just as enjoyable.•