September 2017
Life Coach With Trust
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September 2017
Content Page
Opening Letter
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A Place of Deepest Sorrow—Poem
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Story of Rape and Abuse
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The Definition of Fear as found in Wikipedia
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Anger
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What a Perfect Day—Poem
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CEO/DIRECTOR Tilanie Meierhans lifecoachwitht@gmail.com
WEBSITE www.lifecoachingwitht.com SOCIAL MEDIA
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MISSION STATEMENT: The eradication of fear thereby enabling all human beings to believe in their selfworth without harbouring anger or resentment. In achieving such, destroying abusive behavioural tendencies throughout the world. Life Coach With Trust
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she may be wearing. Surely even if she were walking around naked there is such a thing as consent.
The next time you want to judge someone who has been raped think twice—it is easy to judge but is your judgement correct and in the case of rape the answer is a resounding NO.
~Life Coach With T~
Dear readers,
A new month has dawned.
There is much activity within many of the organisations who are there to assist those in need.
The feature article this month is written by Hayley Rautenbach who has had to overcome being raped.
There are many women and men who have suffered through this ordeal and have had to endure feeling they are the one’s who asked for this to happen to them due to the way in which society has decided to ‘’deal’’ with a victim of rape.
How is it at all possible that anyone could possibly be held responsible for someone else’s action?
It is total insanity to even contemplate for instance that it is a women’s own fault for being a victim of rape due to the clothing Life Coach With Trust
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A Place Of Deepest Sorrow There is a place of deepest sorrow where poems are born like the intangible touch of tomorrow and feelings left forlorn like time I cannot borrow and secrets solemnly sworn their words call me to follow
Yet in the depths of that dark despair Sadness shows the way to a Radiance beyond compare where sacred words hold sway sweet silence holds me there and on my darkest day I still feel the Light so fair There is a place of deepest sorrow It often calls…………. would you dare to meet me there
~Gary Watkins~
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My Story
of Rape
and Abuse
By Hayley Rautenbach
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B
drugged, I found a main road I recognised, and ran.
eing asked to share my story with you, is hard, as I am engulfed in a major inner struggle and anxiety, but I gently encourage myself to share my experience and journey to healing. In May 2015 (just over two years ago) three men raped me.
After eventually finding my car at the restaurant where I had parked 12 hours before, and getting home, I sat in a stupor of horror at what had happened. NO MEMORY at all! From fear to shame to horror, I held my dogs in my arms and sobbed.
Recently divorced, I went out to meet a friend at a local restaurant. Upon arrival and sitting at a table, my friend messaged me, now apologetic and unable to meet me, I decided to drink the glass of wine I had ordered and go home. I don’t remember more than half way through the glass of wine. However, memory came back to me a few short weeks after the event.
The days and weeks that followed were torturous, as my memory started coming back. I can’t explain how horrifying this was for me, to get flashes of memory, again and again, for weeks on end. I was able to piece the evening together in some fashion. There were three men, all of which I will never forget as their faces are etched into my mind, and what they did to me, makes me sick to my stomach, and the memories helped me understand my bruises and injuries.
I was drugged, by rehipnol-type date rape drug that was tragically slipped into my glass of wine. The effects took over quickly. This was around 5pm on a Saturday. I awoke the next morning around sunrise, in a strange bed, naked, bruised and bleeding, and with NO memory of how I got there.
I don’t want to go on too much of the details, as reliving them even now is creating so much anxiety within me. But what I can share is this: somehow, I had the courage to speak out, I went to the local newspapers and was interviewed and an article printed within a week of the rape. I seeked counselling, which was much needed. I did not keep quiet!! Even when I was accused of ‘smearing my smut’ with sharing my story on social media to gain awareness, even after being told I deserved it/ attracted it by not going home immediately after hearing my friend could not meet me, even after some family and friends that could not handle the news, told me I was lying! SO many rape survivors get this response from others, and this is one of the hardest things to deal with after a massive trauma.
The obnoxious man in the bed with me, sneered at me and asked if I was wondering where I was! I had never seen him before in my life! He said he found me drunk and did the ‘gentlemanly’ thing, by taking me back to his home. After asking him why I was naked and bruised and bleeding, he laughed! I was in such a panic and overwhelmed I could hardly speak. He went to the bathroom and I grabbed my clothes and handbag (scattered around the room) and ran out the front door, trying to put on my clothes as I ran. I had no idea where I was. I found myself at the entrance to the upmarket complex in the Gateway area of Kwazulu-Natal, and in a very hazy state, still Life Coach With Trust
My message is simple, don’t judge others, listen, and care for them. Rape creates a 7
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shame culture, and this is sometimes as hard as the rape itself. Thankfully, with the love and encouragement from loved ones, I started to heal, to overcome the many emotions running and ruining my life, and finding the warrior women inside me to keep pushing. And thankfully, I managed to forgive, not for my rapists, but for me. I could not live in such hate. I still live in fear which has affected my life and lifestyle,
but at least I don’t live in hate, which was killing me faster than the abuse. As a transformational coach, energy healer and animal whisperer, I am now also am a rape therapist, helping so many who have gone through something similar. I find purpose in helping others in this way, after experiencing this violation. http://markhoinkes.com/boudoir -photos/warrior-woman/
https://youtu.be/bRGLfXoEZoQ It is the first resources website on human trafficking specific to South Africa launched in January 2015. We upload links to current and older press releases, video clips, recommended books to read and movies to watch. We also upload academic research and reports with a focus on South Africa. There are also some learning links. We have included a tab for the Unthinkable short film which was made in 2016. This 34 minute short film by Media Navigation and the National Freedom Network aims to educate the public on ‘Lover Boy Recruitment', a tactic by human traffickers to lure and trap victims. Many victims are then sold into the sex trade.
The short film is based on Chapter 32 of Kris Hollington’s book “Unthinkable”. It has been adapted for the South African context. Website for South African Counter Human Trafficking Resources:
http://www.nfnresources.yolasite.com Life Coach With Trust
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The Definition of Fear as Found in Wikipedia
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F
Signs and symptoms
ear is a feeling induced by perceived danger or threat that occurs in certain types of organisms, which causes a change in metabolic and organ functions and ultimately a change in behavior, such as fleeing, hiding, or freezing from perceived traumatic events. Fear in human beings may occur in response to a specific stimulus occurring in the present, or in anticipation or expectation of a future threat perceived as a risk to body or life. The fear response arises from the perception of danger leading to confrontation with or escape from/avoiding the threat (also known as the fight-or-flight response), which in extreme cases of fear (horror and terror) can be a freeze response or paralysis.
Many physiological changes in the body are associated with fear, summarized as the fight-or-flight response. An inborn response for coping with danger, it works by accelerating the breathing rate (hyperventilation), heart rate, constriction of the peripheral blood vessels leading to blushing and vasodilation of the central vessels (pooling), increasing muscle tension including the muscles attached to each hair follicle to contract and causing "goose bumps", or more clinically, piloerection (making a cold person warmer or a frightened animal look more impressive), sweating, increased blood glucose (hyperglycemia), increased serum calcium, increase in white blood cells called neutrophilic leukocytes, alertness leading to sleep disturbance and "butterflies in the stomach" (dyspepsia). This primitive mechanism may help an organism survive by either running away or fighting the danger. With the series of physiological changes, the consciousness realizes an emotion of fear.
In humans and animals, fear is modulated by the process of cognition and learning. Thus fear is judged as rational or appropriate and irrational or inappropriate. An irrational fear is called a phobia. Psychologists such as John B. Watson, Robert Plutchik, and Paul Ekman have suggested that there is only a small set of basic or innateemotions and that fear is one of them. This hypothesized set includes such emotions as acute stress reaction, anger, angst, anxiety, fright, horror, joy, panic, and sadness. Fear is closely related to, but should be distinguished from, the emotion anxiety, which occurs as the result of threats that are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable. The fear response serves survival by generating appropriate behavioral responses, so it has been preserved throughout evolution.
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Causes People develop specific fears as a result of learning. This has been studied in psychology as fear conditioning, beginning with John B. Watson's Little Albert experiment in 1920, which was inspired after observing a child with an irrational fear of dogs. In this study, an 11-month-old boy was conditioned to fear a white rat in the laboratory. The fear became generalized to include other white, furry objects, such as a rabbit, dog, and even a ball of cotton. Fear can be learned by experiencing or watching a frightening traumatic accident. For example, if a child falls into a well and struggles to get out, he or she may develop 11
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a fear of wells, heights (acrophobia), enclosed spaces (claustrophobia), or water (aquaphobia)
were more likely to survive and reproduce, preparedness is theorized to be a genetic effect that is the result of natural selection.
Fear is affected by cultural and historical context. For example, in the early 20th century, many Americans feared polio, a disease that can lead to paralysis. There are consistent cross-cultural differences in how people respond to fear. Display rules affect how likely people are to show the facial expression of fear and other emotions.
From an evolutionary psychology perspective, different fears may be different adaptations that have been useful in our evolutionary past. They may have developed during different time periods. Some fears, such as fear of heights, may be common to all mammals and developed during the mesozoic period. Other fears, such as fear of snakes, may be common to all simians and developed during the cenozoic time period. Still others, such as fear of mice and insects, may be unique to humans and developed during the paleolithic and neolithic time periods.
Although many fears are learned, the capacity to fear is part of human nature. Many studies have found that certain fears (e.g. animals, heights) are much more common than others (e.g. flowers, clouds). These fears are also easier to induce in the laboratory. This phenomenon is known as preparedness. Because early humans that were quick to fear dangerous situations
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How to Deal with Anger
Most people have some form of reaction toward anger. It stands you in good stead to be aware of how your body is reacting and what it is trying to tell you. Make sure to take actions toward calming yourself.
What Are the Signs to Look Out for With Regards to Your Anger?
You will feel your heart beat increase and your breathing becomes faster, very much the same symptoms for fight or flight. You could feel your body becoming taunt – these are symptoms of anger.
What Can You Do to Control Your Anger? The age old saying of count, counting to 10 will enable you to pause and take your mind off the immediate ‘’irritation’’ allowing you to have a few seconds in which to calm down. Take deep slow breaths. Inhale deeply and exhale slowly in the process envisage your body relaxing with each outward breath. Again, this will take your focus off the issue and allow you to calm yourself.
How Can You Manage Your Anger Long Term? Once you have established what your trigger mechanisms are in angering you, you Life Coach With Trust
can start focusing on ways in which to assist you to control your anger better. Any form of exercise is good for you. It not only keeps your body in form, it will also assist your body in lowering stress levels. Please do remember, that although it is commonly thought that alcohol and for some drugs are calming, it has the reverse affect and increases the body’s stress levels. Write, daily journaling is an excellent way of being able to put your anger out there, but in a constructive manner in which you are not harming anyone or yourself. Write, write, and write some more. Surround yourself with understanding and positive friends. And if you are able speak to them about your anger towards a situation – in turn however, listen carefully to what they say. Not all friends are true friends so be discerning about taking their advice. Become aware of your thought patterns, keep them positive. Also, be aware of the way in which you speak. Generalising statements have the adverse effect, so make sure to explain that it is your opinion. Try and analyse whether your anger is ‘’true’’ anger or whether your anger stems from fear. Fear is the most common denominator when it comes to anger-management issues. And fears run deep within many people, without them even being aware of them. ~Life Coach With T~ 13
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WHAT A PERFECT DAY the trees raise their branches to the perfect blue sky some bow down in reverence I watch a dancing butterfly the breeze comes to visit briefly and greets me with a kiss I her the sounds of traffic behind me and to the side and I sympathise with those trapped inside those steel cages as life takes them for a ride I watch Lucy Love in the grass her smile, her playfulness and I think to myself I am in heaven right now I wish you were here with me I wish I could point out how the shadows fall upon the ground from a little tree and how the birds are flying swift and free I watch all the little insects scurrying and hurrying just like the traffic but they are not bound to deadlines and they stop to appreciate the day a blade of grass seems to fascinate them as they fascinate me and I sit in this shady place and somehow feel its harmony the shadows move so slowly the lazy breeze is lingering the sunshine is soft upon my life right now and I wish you were here I would simply tell you how special you are
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how you fit into this perfect day in every perfect way Lucy barks, the branches bend I hear voices, the sounds ascend yet I am not disturbed I transcend I love this place right now this ground upon which I sit I love the way my heart feels But I wish you were here it's where you fit I wish you were here to watch the butterflies flit and I wish you were here even for a minute and Lucy watches me I wonder if she has poetry inside her mind I am sure it would be a perfect poem uncluttered by that of the thoughts of humankind This perfect day Can never be again I give gratitude and I wish you were here but you are in this world and in my mind my heart you are here and for that reason it is perfect. ~Gary Watkins~
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