from
Grief to
Healing
About the Author Amanda Mackenzie (Canberra, Australia) is a holistic counselor, leadership consultant, and coach. She has designed and taught counseling education programs for St. Mark’s College and Australian Catholic University.
from
Grief to
Healing A Holistic Guide to Rebuilding Mind, Body & Spirit After Loss
Amanda M a c k e n z i e Llewellyn Publications Woodbury, Minnesota
From Grief to Healing: A Holistic Guide to Rebuilding Mind, Body, and Spirit After Loss © 2022 by Amanda Mackenzie. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever, including internet usage, without written permission from Llewellyn Publications, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. First Edition First Printing, 2022 Cover design by Kevin R. Brown Editing by Holly Vanderhaar Interior art the Llewellyn Art Department Interior standing figure © Mary Ann Zapalac Llewellyn Publications is a registered trademark of Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data (Pending) ISBN: 978-0-7387-6675-1 Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd. does not participate in, endorse, or have any authority or responsibility concerning private business transactions between our authors and the public. All mail addressed to the author is forwarded but the publisher cannot, unless specifically instructed by the author, give out an address or phone number. Any internet references contained in this work are current at publication time, but the publisher cannot guarantee that a specific location will continue to be maintained. Please refer to the publisher’s website for links to authors’ websites and other sources. Llewellyn Publications A Division of Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd. 2143 Wooddale Drive Woodbury, MN 55125-2989 www.llewellyn.com Printed in the United States of America
Dedication For Paul, with love and gratitude.
Disclaimer This book is not intended to serve as a replacement for treatment by a medical and/or mental health professional. Please exercise caution when using essential oils, as some may cause an allergic or skin reaction, and do not take them internally unless directed to do so by an expert. Some oils should not be used during pregnancy, or around pets; please consult a professional in this case.
Contents Introduced........................................................................ 1 How to use this book 4 Chakras—focus your energy for awareness and intention 5 Chakra Table 8 Affirmations—focus your self-talk for assurance and hope 8 Journal—focus your expression for healing 12 Meditation—focus your mind for calm and clarity 13 Movement—focus your body for grounding and flow 16 Essential oils—focus your whole system for healing 18 Ritual—focus your daily experience for healing 24 Chapter 1: Invited.......................................................... 29 The need for healing 30 Chakra—Base or first chakra 32 Affirmations—I am alive 34
Contents
Journal—Lament 35 Meditation—Breath 37 Movement—Pranayama—pathways of the breath 39 Essential oils 41 Ritual—Life 42 Chapter 2: Bereaved....................................................... 45 Bereavement and grief 46 Healing grief and loss 51 Chakra—Earthstar 52 Affirmations—I am of the earth 54 Journal—Sacred earth 55 Meditation—Earthstar 57 Movement—Gaia—pathways through nature 58 Essential oils 63 Ritual—Earth 64 Chapter 3: Heartened.................................................... 67 The emotions of grief and healing 67 Healing the emotions of loss and grief 71 Chakra—Heart or fourth chakra 75 Affirmations—I am loving 76 Journal—Heartlife 77
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Meditation—Heartfelt 79 Movement—Mudra—pathway through the heart 81 Essential oils 82 Ritual—Love 83 Chapter 4: Reminded..................................................... 87 The thoughts of grief and healing 88 Unhelpful patterns of thinking 89 Dreaming 91 Healing the thoughts of loss and grief 95 Chakra—Throat or fifth chakra 99 Affirmations—I am expressive 103 Journal—Flow 103 Meditation—Mindful 105 Movement—Mantra—Pathways of the mind 108 Essential oils 110 Ritual—Mind 111 Chapter 5: Embodied................................................... 115 Symptoms of grief and loss 115 Tears of grief 119 Fatigue and sleep and grief 119 Once you’re in bed 123 Healing our bodies after grief and loss 125
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Chakra—Sacral or second chakra 126 Affirmations—I am aware 130 Journal—Body awareness 131 Meditation—Bodyscan 131 Movement—Qigong—pathways through the body 134 Essential oils 137 Ritual—Wisdom of the body 138 Chapter 6: Spirited....................................................... 143 The energy of loss and grief 143 Healing the energy of loss and grief 146 The energy of nature 147 Natural rhythms and cycles 149 The sun 150 The moon 151 Time 153 The elements 155 Chakra—Crown or seventh chakra 155 Affirmations—I am inspired 159 Journal—Elements 159 Meditation—Elemental 161 Movement—Viva—pathways with energy 165 Essential oils 167 Ritual—Quintessence 168
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Chapter 7: Connected.................................................. 173 Relationships in loss and grief 173 Healing connections in grief 176 Chakra—Solar plexus or third chakra 179 Affirmations– I am choosing 182 Journal—Connection web 182 Meditation—Unity 185 Movement—Yoga—pathways through connection 187 Essential oils 190 Ritual—Mandala 191 Chapter 8: Accompanied............................................. 195 Children and grief 196 Children and healing 202 Chakra—Hand chakras 208 Affirmations—We are one 210 Journal—In my hands 210 Meditation—for children 213 Movement—Play—pathways though recreation 216 Essential oils 217 Ritual—Hands 218
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Chapter 9: Remembered.............................................. 223 The rituals of grief and healing 223 Holding grief 224 Releasing grief 226 Continuing bonds 227 Chakra—Soulstar or eighth chakra 229 Affirmations—I am stardust 232 Journal—Lifeline 232 Meditation—Soulstar 235 Movement—The labyrinth—pathways made by walking 236 Essential oils 239 Ritual—Sweet memories 240 Chapter 10: Transformed............................................ 245 The wisdom of loss and grief 245 Wisdom for healing 247 Chakra—Third eye or sixth chakra 253 Affirmations—I am wise 255 Journal—Transition wheel 256 Meditation—Compass 258 Movement—Stillness—pathways through reality 261 Essential oils 263 Ritual—Wholeness 264
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Concluded.................................................................... 269 Acknowledged 271 Appendix 1—Resourced 273 Appendix 2—Oils summary 275 Index 283
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Introduced The seed for this book was planted on the day my husband was diagnosed with cancer in his mid-forties. During Paul’s illness we began with traditional medicine, then quickly and painfully discovered that it had little to offer him. On the day of his diagnosis he had to undergo a procedure under anaesthetic in hospital. I was trying to process what it all meant and was pacing around and around the block. I was relieved to find the library, only to be told that it wasn’t available to patients or their families. That experience proved to be emblematic for our encounters with conventional Western medicine. As we began to read more widely and talk with a range of holistic practitioners, we discovered a broader range of traditions from across cultures to support healing. We began qigong and meditation; we refined 1
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our diet and engaged with a number of new modalities. After Paul’s death five months later, I continued my exploration and extended my personal practices as I searched for answers, for comfort, and for wisdom. Over several years I made changes in my work life, broadening my base as an educator to become a leadership coach. While my business was thriving, some of my clients were not and I could see that Western approaches that segmented the person into a number of parts could reduce their well-being, sense of agency, and possibility. I undertook a post-graduate course in holistic psychotherapy and counselling, which reinforced my beliefs about the human experience and broadened my repertoire about how to help my clients integrate and develop all parts of themselves. This book shares what I have discovered: what helped and what didn’t. It’s not a personal narrative; it’s not a how-to book; but rather it’s an integrated approach to healing after grief that draws on the deep wisdom of my experience, both as a woman and as an influential, holistic counsellor and coach. To be human is to experience grief. Every year millions of us die and each one leaves behind family and others who try to make sense of their loss. This book is
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designed as a companion and guide to the bereaved to support healing of mind, body, and spirit. It provides a collection of simple practices to support those who have experienced the death of a loved one; it will help them to remain present to their grief and move towards recovery. I regularly use some of these myself and teach them to others in therapy and in workshops, integrating cultural and spiritual practices that have demonstrated their value. These resources focus on those parts of us that are affected when we grieve, and demand our attention as we heal.
Spiral
My experience of grief and healing is captured by the energy of the spiral. There were many moments in grief when I felt myself fall lower or spin out of control. As my recovery and healing began, I had moments where I was aware of a shift or a change, a glimpse of peace or hope, and my energy spiralled upwards and outwards in incremental steps. Most importantly, my path from grief to healing was not a one-way trip. Many times, I thought I was on my way out of it, only to discover that my recovery was slipping 3
Introduced
away. Wherever you are with your grief and healing, the structure of the book is designed to assist you to navigate your own spirals by dipping in and out of pages that grab or hold your attention, or by finding something of value and following that thread across chapters.
How to use this book This book recognizes that the challenges for the ones who remain can be daunting. It draws on the wisdom of lived experience and on customs and practises that reflect the wisdom of ages and cultures. Each chapter focuses on one aspect of the experience of grief and loss, exploring its nature and its limits to better understand what may be happening within us. It uses that same lens to identify some pathways for healing. • Invited—the reality of grief and the need for healing • Bereaved—the impact of grief and loss • Heartened—the emotions of grief and healing • Reminded—the thoughts of grief and healing • Embodied—the symptoms of grief and healing • Spirited—the energy of grief and healing • Connected—the relationships of grief and healing • Accompanied—the experience of children in grief and healing 4
Introduced
• Remembered—the rituals of grief and healing • Transformed—the wisdom of grief and healing In addition to information and personal insights about the topic, all chapters use a common set of practises to assist you: Chakras—focus your energy for awareness and intention. Affirmations—focus your self-talk for assurance and hope. Journal—focus your expression for healing. Meditation—focus your mind for calm and clarity. Movement—focus your body for grounding and flow. Essential oils—focus your whole system for healing. Ritual—focus your daily experience for healing.
Chakras—focus your energy for awareness and intention When we feel vital, we feel alive and connected with energies within and beyond ourselves. We might experience this when out in nature, or after a holiday, or in other peak experiences. Our vitality is an expression of the universal life force that unites all living things. While cultures express this in different ways—spirit, prana, or qi, for example—the essence remains the same, and we know when we feel invigorated and energised. This vitality can be disrupted and depleted in times of grief. Conversely, it can be restored and balanced as part of the healing process. In each chapter you’ll find some 5
Introduced
ideas about how a particular aspect of your vitality may be affected by grief and then used to restore balance. The word chakra is the Sanskrit word for wheel, and the chakras represent energy centres within and beyond the body. Chakras are part of the ancient wisdom and have been taught in a number of spiritual traditions and approaches to healing. Disturbances in this energy flow are linked to reduced well-being as the chakras support us with a flow of energy (or prana or chi) throughout our whole being to support health and balance. While there are many chakras, the main seven are numbered from the lowest parts of the torso and continue to the top of the head. Each of these seven positions is allocated a colour from the rainbow. In addition to the seven main chakras, we can draw on three additional vitality centres as we work with the energies of grief and healing: the earthstar chakra, the soulstar chakra, and the hand chakras. Just beneath the body is the earthstar chakra, which sits about thirty centimetres below our feet. Sometimes called the super-root or the sub-personal chakra, this centre of energy connects us to the earth and, through it, to all living things. It supports our existence and our other chakras, and is often represented by the blacks and browns of the earth.
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Chakra Figure
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Introduced
Just above the body is the soulstar chakra, which sits about fifteen centimetres above the crown of the head. Also known as a transpersonal chakra, this connects our energy with spiritual consciousness and is often represented by a golden colour. There are several chakras in our hands, with the main ones sitting in the centre of each palm. These are an extension of our heart chakra, and through them the energy of love and belonging flows within and without. For our purposes it will be represented by the colour magenta. Each aspect of our vitality has a particular energy that supports our well-being—physical, psychological, spiritual, and emotional. Each one also has a range of expressions to allow us to build awareness and access these portals to our life force.
Chakra table The table on the next page outlines the connections between each chapter of the book and its particular focus, noting the chakra energy that may assist you in the movement from grief to healing.
Affirmations—focus your self-talk for assurance and hope Affirmations are statements that reinforce our beliefs. These short mental announcements repeat key ideas to 8
Focus I am alive I am of the earth I am loving I am expressive I am aware I am inspired I am choosing I belong I am stardust I am wise
Chapter
Invited
Bereaved
Heartened
Reminded
Embodied
Spirited
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Connected
Accompanied
Remembered
Transformed
Sixth chakra
Soulstar chakra
Hand chakras
Third chakra
Seventh chakra
Second chakra
Fifth chakra
Fourth chakra
Earthstar chakra
First chakra
Chakra
Third eye
15cm above the crown
Palms of the hands
Solar plexus
Crown of head
Lower abdomen
Throat
Heart
30cm below the feet
Base of the spine
Position
Indigo
Gold
Magenta
Yellow
Violet
Orange
Blue
Green
Black
Red
Colour
Introduced
Introduced
ourselves and to others. As we make those statements over and over, we change the physical structure of our brains, making it easier to experience those thoughts again. When things are not going so well, we affirm or reinforce the difficulties we are having: Life is hard; I don’t think things will ever improve; I’ll never get over this; Noone helps me. Such patterns can hold us in a rigid mindset that makes it hard to see possibilities and solutions. These statements reinforce present difficulties and predict a difficult future. On the other hand, positive affirmations declare what’s good: I’m doing OK; This is great; I’m on a roll; There’s no stopping me; Look at me go! These affirmations have momentum and energy. They reinforce capacity and predict even more success. Positive affirmations can be used intentionally to change patterns of unhelpful thoughts. They are more than wishes for things to be different. They declare in active language and in the present tense, those patterns you are claiming now, in order to shape your own story. They can replace negative and critical scripts that keep you stuck in unhelpful ways of thinking about yourself and your circumstances. Using affirmations each day can deepen a sense of calm and possibility. The first step is to notice your current patterns of self-talk. If you become aware of a negative or 10
Introduced
critical statement, you might then modify it slightly. For example, if a regular affirmation is Life has been so hard, you might change the emphasis by adding your intention so that it becomes Life has been so hard until now, or Life has been hard, and it is getting easier. Eventually you can shift to a positive affirmation such as My life is in flow. This takes some practise but is really worthwhile as our minds are so powerful. Whatever we think becomes our reality, so affirming the positive rather than the negative is a powerful resource for recovery from grief. In each chapter, you’ll find a set of positive affirmations to reinforce the energy needed to heal, and some guidance about how to write your own. Each chapter has a primary affirmation and others that flow from it: 1. I am alive. 2. I am of the earth. 3. I am loving. 4. I am expressive. 5. I am aware. 6. I am inspired. 7. I am choosing. 8. I belong. 9. I am stardust. 10. I am wise. 11
Introduced
Journal—focus your expression for healing The word journal shares a root meaning with diurnal, which means daily. To journal is to reflect on the day and then capture those thoughts and feelings in text or drawing or symbol. The journal is also the name of the book we use to capture these reflections. Unlike maintaining a calendar or recording the activities of the day, using a journal gives expression to what lies beneath the surface: things such as our subconscious thoughts, hidden feelings, body symptoms, and energy levels. Its real value lies in what emerges from the process of journaling: new insights and perspectives, objectivity about feelings, and a glimpse into our dreams and hopes. The journal exercise in each chapter is designed to help you surface and explore your inner state. Sometimes the first time we become aware of our thoughts and feelings is when we read what we have written. Each journal activity connects with the themes of the chapter. • Lament—the reality of grief and the need for healing • Star—the impact of grief and loss • Heartlife—the emotions of grief and healing • Flow—the thoughts of grief and healing • Sleep—the symptoms of grief and healing 12
Introduced
• Elements—the energy of grief and healing • Web—the relationships of grief and healing • Hands—the experience of children in grief and healing • Lifelines—the rituals of grief and healing • Wheel—the wisdom of grief and healing Feel free to use them more than once and to adapt them to your needs. Throughout the book, you’ll notice the words “To ponder.” These short questions are designed to prompt your thinking about the experience of grief and healing. At times you might choose to write your answers, while at other times you might just reflect on a question over time, allowing it to open new thoughts for you.
Meditation—focus your mind for calm and clarity Meditation is an ancient practise that has been part of personal, cultural, and religious rituals to support reflection, contemplation, and prayer. There are many techniques and schools of meditation, but they share some common elements: • Withdrawal from everyday activity for a few moments or for sustained periods 13
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• Stillness, supported by conscious breathing • Gentle observation of thoughts, allowing them to arrive and pass • Intentional focus on desired states such as awareness, peace, serenity, or compassion. When I first began to meditate it gave me small glimpses of a hidden calm between crowding thoughts as I concentrated on my breathing. With practise, those moments began to extend beyond the meditation itself and flow across my life. I no longer struggle to do it the “right way,” but rather notice myself and come back to my breath. Some aspects of meditation are associated with particular forms of practise and may include: • Gratitude for blessings This is a powerful opening of the heart to all those relationships and aspects of life that hold deep meaning for you. As we remember and amplify the blessings in our lives, other less significant aspects assume smaller proportions and even fall away from our conscious mind. • Openness to wisdom and insight As we elevate our thoughts to the mystery of life and our own existence, we can leave below us those 14
Introduced
everyday worries. Meditation on a question can help us transcend our daily experience, making meaning and shaping our identity. • Spiritual connection with the sacred Many people meditate to commune with the divine: to unite the eternal part of themselves (soul or spirit) with the universal and sacred consciousness. This meditation may weave in with other prayer practises. • Patterns in practise at certain times The cycles of the sun and the moon have shaped many meditation practises, with some people beginning or ending their day with meditation. Others align their practise with the light, marking sunrise, midday, or sunset. Many cultures use meditation and ceremony to signify the new moon and the full moon. • Certain postures, gestures, and chants Some aspects of meditation are embodied to bring the body into alignment with the intention. This may involve sitting in the lotus position with legs crossed, or lying with arms open, or perhaps positioning hands or using the voice to signify meaning. In each chapter you’ll find a meditation outline to assist you to focus your mind for calm and clarity: 15
Introduced
• Breath meditation • Earthstar meditation • Heartfelt meditation • Mindful meditation • Bodyscan meditation • Elements meditation • Unity meditation • Child’s meditation • Soulstar meditation • Compass meditation In meditation I found I could step back from my confusion and pay attention to the present moment. Even as I was sad about the past and anxious about the future, I discovered that the more I could focus on the present, the more that expanded as a calm space, opening time up for me one moment at a time.
Movement—focus your body for grounding and flow Our bodies are amazing! They come in all shapes and sizes and allow us to move, experience, sense, reach, and be intimate with one another. In the past, much of the Western approach to the body has been to separate it from the rest of our being—our minds, our emotions, our 16
Introduced
spirits. In trying to understand the body, scientists have segmented their thinking into little parts and indeed if you look at how the medical world organizes itself there are doctors and nurses, wards, and even hospitals for hearts, eyes, brains, bones, etc. This contrasts with other approaches which are interested in how life is experienced and expressed in the whole being. As we experience our embodied lives, we may be tempted to see each part of us in isolation, perhaps even ignoring some aspects like the emotional or spiritual self. There are other moments in our lives when marginalizing parts of ourselves no longer works. Many of us experience a major health event, a crisis at work, or a relationship breakdown that forces us to look at our whole lives. We make changes to support our recovery, developing greater self-awareness and more balanced lives. Grief does not live in one part of us; it affects every aspect of our existence. So too, healing from grief also involves every aspect of our being and our lives. Movement is a fundamental way to integrate all parts of ourselves. When we walk or swim or dance or stretch, we know it’s not just a physical experience because it affects our mood, our energy, and our thoughts. Further to that, when we move with intention it can have a profound effect on our well-being and recovery.
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In each chapter you’ll find some ideas about how a particular type of intentional movement practise may restore balance in body, mind, heart, and spirit. While all practise leads to the same place of recovery, each one uses a different pathway. • Pranayama—pathways of the breath • Gaia—pathways through nature • Mudra—pathways of the heart • Mantra—pathways of the mind • Qigong—pathways through the body • Viva—pathways for energy • Yoga—pathways through connection • Play—pathways of re-creation • Labyrinth—pathways made by walking • Stillness—pathways through reality.
Essential oils—focus your whole system for healing Essential oils can be used during grief and healing to provide support to our whole system—senses, body, emotions, mind, and spirit. Oils have been used across generations and cultures as part of health, in rituals, and for spiritual practise. They are also used in aromatherapy and massage to support recovery and well-being. 18
Introduced
Essential oils are distilled from a range of trees, shrubs, and herbs and drawn from the essence of the plant and from the wood, flower, rind, or leaves. In a general way, they represent some aspects of their nature: for example, cedar oil, the strength of the tree; rose oil, the beauty of the blooms; orange oil, the energy of citrus fruit. More directly, oils are the essence of that living thing; the oil comes from the plant itself. Just as each plant or tree is unique with its own characteristic, so each oil has a special character and purpose. The olfactory system is much more than the nose and sense of smell; it is a wonderful part of our human physiology that connects smell with memory. You may encounter a fragrance that immediately takes you back to another place and time, even to forgotten memories that are awakened when you sense something that you have smelled before. We can use this information to support ourselves through grief, drawing on the beauty and healing properties of oils. We can build some sensory memories to assist us with such things as recovering calm, easing worry, or strengthening our motivation. Which oils? Each chapter contains some suggestions about particular oils that can support your body, mind, spirit, and emotions. You can try some common blends or develop some 19
Introduced
of your own. Look for quality products with natural, listed ingredients. A note of caution Please take responsibility for your own well-being and be careful about using oil directly on your skin, because some oils can burn, while others are NOT to be used in pregnancy at all (this includes bathing). Ingesting oils can be dangerous and needs professional guidance. It’s also important to be informed about using oils near pets. Oils table The table on the next page identifies the essential oils that can support your journey from grief to healing. There is an expanded list of useful oils at the back of the book. How to use oils There are a number of ways to use essential oils. Several methods involve diluting them in a carrier oil such as: • Sweet almond oil, which is light, soothing, and moisturizing • Olive oil, which is nourishing and deeply penetrating
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Introduced Chapter
Focus
Essential oils
Invited
the reality of grief and the need for healing
Bereaved
the impact of grief and loss
Heartened
the emotions of grief and healing
Reminded
the thoughts of grief and healing
Embodied
the symptoms of grief and healing
Spirited
the energy of grief and healing
Connected
the relationships of grief and healing
Accompanied
the experience of children in grief and healing
vetiver, violet, grapefruit, pine sandalwood, neroli, manuka, petitgrain blue tansy, chamomile, bergamot, rose peppermint, lemon, mandarin, orange cedar, ginger, frankincense, neroli geranium, myrrh, litsea, ylang ylang clary sage, lavender, fennel, cypress neroli, lavender, roman chamomile, mandarin
Remembered
the rituals of grief and healing
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rose, rosemary, litsea, ylang ylang
Introduced
• Coconut oil, which melts at body temperature and is sweet smelling • Other applications of essential oils include being diffused through the air, inhaled, or applied directly to the skin. Bathing: Adding some oils to your water when bathing or washing your face or hair provides an immediate, strong sensory experience and the lingering fragrance supports you to recall the experience of calm self-care at a time or place where that may not be physically possible. Compress: Sprinkling some essential oils on to a damp cloth can support you during or after strong emotions—tears, rage, or despair, for example. Use cold water for clarity and warm water for comfort and add some essential oils. Place the compress on your forehead or across your eyes, perhaps at your throat, or even in your hands. If you are finding calm elusive, you might add some weight as well—a heat pack is ideal to sit behind the compress. Spritz: Using essential oils to fill your home with chosen aromas is a simple act of kindness to yourself. Fill a spray bottle with water and add some drops of a single oil or a blend of oils. Spray the mixture around to sup22
Introduced
port your sense of well-being and healing. You might have a range of spritzes for different purposes—to settle, to comfort, to energise. You might spray your pillow, your clothing, or your room. Roller: Oils are often added to a base oil that can either be unscented or scented. These lovely personalized mixtures can be used like roller perfumes and provide support as you go through your day (or night). It can remind you of, and prompt you towards, your desired state e.g., peaceful, safe, or grounded. Lotions: You can also make your own lotions and creams by adding drops of essential oils into a cream base such as: • Shea butter, which is a luxurious and soothing balm • Cocoa butter, which is rich and moisturizing. Diffuser: Reed diffusers are made by dipping and resting special narrow sticks in an oil-filled bottle. One end of the porous reeds absorbs the fragrance of the oil blend and when you turn the reeds upside down the aroma gently spreads throughout your space over time. Electric diffusers are small devices that use tiny vibrations to distribute moisture and oils into the air. Fill your 23
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diffuser with cold tap or distilled water and add a few drops of your favourite oils.
Ritual—focus your daily experience for healing Rituals are practises that allow us to explore and express meaning. While they may use everyday objects, they convey a symbolic or deeper meaning. Rituals exist in all families, groups, and religions. These human actions help us make meaning of our experience, they codify our expressions, and are often repeated so that they become familiar and comforting. Some rituals are only done in certain places, or at certain times, or by certain people. The rituals in each chapter are designed to help you make and express meaning in the everyday, to console you in your grief, and to support your healing. You can use them when, where, and how you wish. They include a range of activities, including the following: • A sense of place for grounding • Silent reflection for calm • Movement for flow • Music to enhance your mood
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• Journal for expression • The use of symbols to awaken intuition • A clear sequence of action to build depth • Prompts to help you deepen self-awareness • Connection with nature for hope and inspiration • The rituals come at the end of each chapter to draw together some of the wisdom in the previous pages. The rituals are titled: Ȥ Life Ȥ Earth Ȥ Love Ȥ Mind Ȥ Body Ȥ Quintessence Ȥ Mandala Ȥ Hands Ȥ Memories Ȥ Wholeness When planning your ritual, you might also think about the timing. The names of the days of the week have ancient associations from across mythology and culture that may elevate the experience for you. 25
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Monday is associated with the feminine energies of the moon. You might use a ritual on this day to foster empathy and collaboration, connecting with your feelings and opening your heart. Tuesday is associated with Týr, the god of war. You might use a ritual on this day to work through a conflict you’re having, bringing it to the light. Wednesday is associated with Hermes, a messenger of the gods. You might use a ritual on this day to seek divine wisdom, opening up to your questions and answers. Thursday is associated with Zeus, king of the gods. You might use a ritual on this day to sense into your personal power, extending your strengths as a foundation for change. Friday is associated with Venus, goddess of fertility. You might use a ritual on this day to plant seeds of possibility, releasing new life. Saturday is associated with Kronos, god of time. You might use a ritual on this day to balance past, present, and future, finding and maintaining equilibrium. Sunday is associated with the masculine energies of the sun. You might use a ritual on this day to focus on 26
Introduced
one thing you’d like to achieve, tuning in to your own capacities. Of course, feel free to adapt the rituals to make them your own, as some will have more richness for you than others. Taking some time for short, regular, and meaningful rituals will ease your grief and enhance your healing. While Introduced has highlighted some possible pathways from grief to healing, it is in your interaction with the themes, ideas, and practises that healing will come to life. Trust your instinct and read for a connection with your own current state. Start there and follow my lead; see what happens for you. Trust your experience and have faith that healing is possible. As I say to my clients, you can borrow my hope until yours returns and strengthens.
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Chapter 1
Invited Grief is an intense experience that results from loss. We may grieve when a relationship breaks down, or when we lose a job, a home, or a pet. Arguably one of the most powerful experiences of grief occurs in response to the death of a loved one. Grief is a natural phenomenon that is both a universal and yet highly personalized experience. Across our lifetime we will grieve for a number of people, and while these experiences may share some qualities, each one is different. The grief following the death of a loved one has a particular character because of its permanence. It may cause such disturbance in every part of our being that we feel we will never recover. An early or sudden or traumatic death can disturb us even more. Grief is affected by many factors, including our own state of well-being, the nature of the relationship, and 29
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the circumstances of the death. Unlike many other emotional states, grief seems to take on a life of its own beyond the event itself. It can catch us when we least expect it; we may work through it for years only to find we are still deeply affected; or we may feel we’ve healed and then years later seek a therapist to better understand the impact of a particular loss. Our understanding of grief is also shaped by sociocultural and religious norms that influence our thinking about the nature and meaning of death, acceptable ways to grieve, or how to commemorate our loved ones. These family or community expectations may or may not serve us well at any given point in our loss and healing. We need to give ourselves permission to release what doesn’t help and embrace those things that will best support us as we grieve and heal.
The need for healing To be human is to experience grief. It is the impact that we experience as a result of love and loss. Healing then is a process of mourning and integrating the loss, but it is an invitation that no one wants, as it’s only available to those who have suffered deeply and experienced the pain, distress, and upheaval of losing a loved one.
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To ponder How has the death of your loved one affected you directly and indirectly? Much has been researched and written about grief, and some approaches identify a number of stages in the process. While these phases are not necessarily linear or sequential, such a slant can give the impression that grief is predictable. It is most certainly not! Grief affects every part of us—emotions, thoughts, bodies, spirits, connections, and sense of purpose and meaning—all at once, moving more like waves or spirals than in straight lines. Just as our experience of grief is highly personalized, so is our experience of healing. You might talk about your experience or you may keep it to yourself; you might resume work, or you may step back for a while. You might also seek the support of a trained professional such as a doctor or counsellor. There is no single pathway to healing, but all begin with noticing what is happening for you and deciding what would help you at this time. When we are healing from physical injury, we do what helps to reduce pain and symptoms; we work with health professionals to find the therapy, equipment, and support we need. The grief experience is handled very differently in Western society. We are usually left alone at some point to get on with it, and often with no clue about what to do next. 31
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It is well known that if a broken bone is not treated properly, the chance of a full recovery with full movement is limited. The same may be said of healing from loss. You can do nothing and let time ease some of the symptoms, but healing with the intention to be fully alive yourself requires some attention.
CHAKRA Base or first chakra The energy of the red chakra (also known as muladhara) is concerned with safety and security. It lies at the base of the spine in the perineum. When it is activated, we feel alive, grounded on the earth; we share a sense of vitality with all living things. We are comfortable in our own skin.
Muladhara
The whole experience of being alive changes with the death of a loved one. It can disturb our energy and displace our sense of security. What was once real and physically present is no longer. The emotions of our previous life are replaced with others that are much less familiar 32
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and comfortable. Now we remain, but life as we know it has shifted, sometimes in dramatic ways. The energy of the red chakra can assist us with the fundamental and painful reality that, even though our loved one has died, we remain; we are alive. Following the loss of a loved one, our energy may shift from confidence to fear, from intimacy to isolation, from grounded to adrift. It may take a lot of energy to just absorb the reality of what has happened, both to the loved one and consequently to ourselves; and then even more energy to manage that sense of separation and lost identity. We may experience health concerns ourselves as a result. Some practises to strengthen your sense of safety and security include taking time to: • Walk outside with bare feet on the earth or the sand or the grass. • Work in the garden, or on the balcony, or even with your indoor plants. Digging, planting or replanting, pruning, fertilizing, or watering can connect you to the energy of earth. • Visualize the base energy centre; tune in to its location in your body and to its nature and qualities, focusing your mind on engaging and heightening any sense of vibration. 33
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• Visualize a deep, rich red. Play with it in your imagination until you have the perfect shade for you. Allow that to fill every corner of your mind, every part of your body, especially the base of your spine and your perineum. • Wear red clothing or accessories to remind yourself of the deep human need for security and safety, and to connect yourself with that energy as you begin to heal. • Use your breath to bring conscious awareness to your base chakra, breathing deeply into that space and drawing on its powerful energy.
AFFIRMATIONS I am alive The primary affirmation for the red chakra is I am alive. It calls us to deepen our awareness and intention as we heal. Write and repeat some of these affirmations that confirm your sense of security and vitality, or add your own. • Life supports me. • I am grounded • Life flows through me. • I am safe and secure. 34
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Reinforce each affirmation by repeating it or saying And so, it is.
JOURNAL Lament The word lament comes from an old French word which means to weep and to wail. Across time and cultures, poets, musicians, and artists have tried to express their grief through lamentations. Some time after my husband’s death I wrote in my diary, In the eye of the tempest I seek shelter. In this valley of tears, I long for rest. While I don’t remember writing my lament, I do recognize my pain and my desire for it to stop. This journal exercise may help you record your own lament. Spend some time with your sorrow and don’t be afraid of any emotion that flows. Know that your feelings will come and go. Gather • Journal and pen • A photo of your loved one Prepare • Only complete this task when you can take the time and space you need. 35
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• Honour this time you have given yourself. • Gently push away all those things that will wait until later. Write them down if it will assist you and set the list aside. • Ground yourself by noticing your body, feet on the floor, chair holding you, and air moving against your skin. • Take three calming breaths with the out-breath longer than the in-breath. Begin Write whatever comes to mind and heart when you look at your photo and read these prompts: • My grief is like: • My heart is: • I weep for: • My loss is: • I wail for: • It’s hard for me to express my: Conclude When you’re ready, close your journal. Take three calming breaths with the out-breath longer than the in-breath.
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• Acknowledge the wounds of death and separation. • Kindly and gently observe your suffering. • Acknowledge your courage. • Take a warm cloth and wash your face and hands. • Have a drink of water. • Rest as needed.
MEDITATION Breath Breathing is a natural and automatic function and mostly we inhale and exhale without noticing. While our breathing rates vary, adults could be expected to take about fifteen to eighteen breaths each minute. Most of those breaths are taken reflexively, but under stress our breathing rate may increase, the depth of our breath decreases, and we may experience disturbances to our breath rhythms. Our breathing may be significantly affected by grief, sometimes without us even noticing. This meditation brings awareness to your breath and its value as a source and expression of life. You can sit or lie for this meditation. Give yourself permission to step out from daily life for a while. As you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, bring your awareness to your breath. Gently place your hands at the
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base of your lungs over your diaphragm and notice the movement of your belly as your lungs fill and empty. Observe your breathing for a while without changing anything. Take three deep breaths, with the out-breath longer than the in-breath. Move your attention to the breath in your throat as you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Gently place your hands at your neck and tune in to the air moving up from, and down to your lungs. Observe your breathing for a while without changing anything. Take three deep breaths, with the out-breath longer than the in-breath. Move your awareness to your face as you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Gently place your hands at your heart centre and tune in to the cool air entering your nostrils and the warm air leaving your mouth. Observe your breathing for a while without changing anything. Take three deep breaths, with the out-breath longer than the in-breath. Take some time to connect with the breath of life, grateful and open, alive and well. When the meditation is complete, gently move your limbs and bring your awareness back into the room. Draw on your connections with your breath as you return to your day.
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You might like to say these words aloud: With each breath I am reminded I’m alive. My breath breathes life into me and breathes me into life. And so, it is.
MOVEMENT Pranayama—pathways of the breath Prana is a Sanskrit word to describe the life force, and there are a number of practises within the yoga traditions which use the breath to support the flow of life through our whole being: body, mind, and spirit. Pranayama is an intentional practise to help focus and move our breath for grounding and flow. It can provide a pathway through the breath to healing and recovery. Pranayama in healing can slow your heart rate and your mind, allowing you to settle into a more relaxed state. Deep breath You can do this exercise seated or lying. Position your hand over your diaphragm at the base of your lungs to help you tune into the inhalations and exhalations. Inhale
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through your nostrils and out through your mouth. Keep your breaths even and flowing. Repeat three to seven times. Focused breath You can do this exercise seated or lying. Choose an intention—to be calm, for example. As you inhale through your nose, breathe in your intention, saying the word in your mind at the same time; as you exhale through your mouth, consciously release all that lies in the way of your intention, perhaps saying release in your mind with the out-breath. Inhale calm with a long deep breath; exhale release with a matching breath. Repeat three to seven times. Counted breath You can do this exercise seated or lying. A breath that has a longer exhale than inhale sends a message to your brain that you are safe and can relax. Count your inhale as you breathe in through your nose (1, 2, 3) and breathe out through your nose for a longer exhale (1, 2, 3, 4, 5). Consciously lower your shoulders and relax your face. Release any tension in your body. Repeat three to seven times.
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Alternating nostril breath This exercise is best done seated and uses a simple mudra or hand gesture. Hold your right hand with palm facing you. Curl your pointer and tall fingers towards the palm. You are going to use the thumb and ring finger on this hand to assist with your breathing practise by closing each nostril. Keep your breathing smooth and even. Close and rest your eyes and relax your face and shoulders, breathing in and out through both nostrils. Breathe out. Gently block your right nostril with your right thumb. Breathe in through your left nostril. Gently block your left nostril with your ring finger. Breathe out through your right nostril. Breathe in through your right nostril. Gently block your right nostril with your right thumb. Breathe out through your left nostril. This completes one cycle. Repeat the cycle five to seven times.
ESSENTIAL OILS These essentials oils all have qualities to support healing. They can be used alone or in combination to support you
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in your grief. See the introduction for different ways to use essential oils to support healing. For general support with life Vetiver oil is distilled from a grassy plant and may be used to assist with feelings of overwhelm by grounding and calming. To soothe Violet oil comes from the leaves of the plants and may be used to soothe and calm. To uplift Grapefruit peel is the source of this oil that may be used to detox and stimulate energy. To warm Pine is sweet oil from a tall tree and may be used to warm and clear and refresh.
RITUAL Life A simple ritual to reconnect with yourself and the life that pulses within you.
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Gather • Candle and matches • Mirror • Journal Begin • Place your mirror at the base of the candle. • Light your candle, saying these words: I live I am part of the mystery of life I breathe I connect with the wonder of creation Notice With your eyes open, allow your attention to wander to your hands, noticing their features, as if you have never seen your hands before. Close your eyes and move your hand to take your pulse at your wrist, noticing the steady beat of your heart. Feel your pulse at your throat or in your neck, tuning in to its rhythms. Take your time and consciously slow down your breath, quieting its rhythms to better hear your pulse.
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Connect When you’re ready, open your eyes and pick up your mirror. Use the mirror to gaze at your own face, kindly noticing its features, as if you have never seen your face before. Begin with your eyes, seeing their colours, the curves, and the lashes. Move your focus to your mouth, noticing its shape and texture. Turn up its corners into a smile, checking to see what that does to your eyes. Take some time to look lovingly at your face, grateful for the signs of life you see there. Draw and release some deep breaths to centre yourself, alive and in the midst of life. Reflect Take a few moments to capture some reflections in your journal about the life in your hands, in your pulse, and revealed in your eyes and face. Release Take a cleansing breath, grateful to be alive. Blow out your candle, knowing you can reconnect at any time.
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Si m p l e , E n co u ra g in g Pract ices to H elp Yo u N av ig a te the S p ira ls o f G rief To be human is to experience grief, and the road to recovery has many twists and turns. This collection of hands-on activities offers support as you remain present to your grief and move toward a state of well-being. Explore the emotions, thoughts, symptoms, and spiritual energy of loss as you learn how to identify the pathways for healing. To enhance your understanding, each chapter incorporates a common set of practices: Chakras · Affirmations · Journaling Meditations · Movement · Essential Oils · Rituals Wherever you are with your bereavement, this guide is designed to help you navigate your ups and downs throughout the recovery process.
Amanda Mackenzie is a holistic counselor, leadership consultant, and coach. Visit her at www.amandamackenzie.com.au. Facebook.com/LlewellynBooks Twitter: @LlewellynBooks Instagram: @LlewellynBooks
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