"THERAPY SUCKS" Pilot Written by Madison Alford
malfor21@student.scad.edu
FADE IN: INT. VAMPIRE MANSION - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Inside the old vampire mansion resides lush antique furniture with hints of modern pieces here and there. The walls are made of dark wood and paintings of purgatory. The floors are also made of a dark wood and covered with century old rugs. ALVAH is a 300-hundred year old vampire who looks 24, with pitch black hair and pale skin. He is stick thin and average height, but thinks he is taller than everyone around him. ALVAH TALKING HEAD ALVAH Dany and I are both therapists for creatures of the night. But none of my patients like to come after the first visit. Everyone likes Dany more. Dany pats the back of a crying werewolf inside the office in the background. He’s another vampire about 200 hundred-years-old, also pale skin and black hair. His arms are covered in freshly inked tattoos. He is silent, stocky, and looms over everyone. Alvah looks back at the camera. ALVAH (CONT’D) I don’t get it. DANY TALKING HEAD Dany just stares at the camera, while Alvah yells at a patient in the background. INT. OFFICE - THE NEXT NIGHT Alvah sits patiently as he awaits his next client. Dany walks in and hands Alvah a sheet of paper. Alvah looks it over. SUPER: SASQUATCH. ALVAH TALKING HEAD
2. Alvah sighs at the camera. ALVAH I can’t believe Bigfoot is coming to talk to me. He’s like the king of myth! What the hell could he be struggling with?! BACK TO SCENE: Dany opens the door. SASQUATCH, a ten-foot tall hairy humanoid figure, waddles in. He hits his head on the door frame on his way in. He carefully sits on the couch across from Alvah, but he’s still too big for it. Dany sits in the seat next to Alvah. SASQUATCH TALKING HEAD Sasquatch sits uncomfortably in front of the camera. The camera crew tries to get his head in the shot. Ultimately, they can only get his chest. SASQUATCH I came to see them because they had a nice ad on Igor’slist. The other creatures pick on me. Really?
PRODUCER (O.C.)
SASQUATCH Why does everyone say that? BACK TO SCENE: Dany sympathizes. ALVAH Can you go into more detail about the bullying? SASQUATCH They keep calling me Bigfoot! I can’t help that I’m big and have big feet! I miss everyone calling me by my real name!
ALVAH AND DANY TALKING HEAD
3. Alvah tries not to burst into laughter. Dany subtly, but roughly, nudges Alvah. ALVAH I’m sorry, but it’s just still funny. BACK TO SCENE: SASQUATCH And even my own cousin, Yeti, won’t call me by my real name! Maybe I should call him Abominable Snowman at the next family reunion. Sasquatch pouts. Dany shakes his head and raises a finger. ALVAH I agree with Dany. You shouldn’t fight fire with fire. Sasquatch sighs. SASQUATCH That’s what Frankenstein’s Monster told me. ALVAH TALKING HEAD ALVAH I thought Frankenstein was the monster. PRODUCER (O.C.) No, Frankenstein is the doctor. The Monster is “Frankenstein’s Monster”. ALVAH Well, that’s confusing. Why couldn’t he name him like Bob, or Jim, or something other than the Monster? BACK TO SCENE: ALVAH (CONT’D) Have you tried communicating with your friends and family about this? DANY TALKING HEAD
4. Dany sympathetically shakes his head. INT. OFFICE - A FEW NIGHTS LATER Sasquatch and YETI, another ten foot tall humanoid figure with white hair, sit next to each other on the couch. ALVAH TALKING HEAD ALVAH So I brought in the Yeti, so Bigfoot can tell him how he feels. It took days to vacuum out all that hair. BACK TO SCENE: Now Big--
ALVAH (CONT’D)
Alvah clears his throat. ALVAH (CONT’D) Sasquatch. Tell Yeti how you feel. SASQUATCH I don’t like you call me Bigfoot. ALVAH Now tell him why. SASQUATCH It hurts my feelings! YETI Oh, get over it! YETI TALKING HEAD Yeti is framed just like Sasquatch. YETI (CONT’D) I mean have you seen his feet? They’re huge! They’re at least twice the size of mine. BACK TO SCENE:
SASQUATCH That’s very abominable of you, Abominable Snowman! (MORE)
5. SASQUATCH (CONT'D) At least people call you by your name! So abominable! ALVAH TALKING HEAD Alvah buries his face into his hands and groans into them. BACK TO SCENE: Alvah stands up and puts some space in between the cousins. ALVAH TALKING HEAD ALVAH I may have... Stepped out of place with them. BACK TO SCENE: ALVAH (CONT’D) SHUT UP! Both of you, SHUT THE HELL UP! Sasquatch and Yeti stare straight at Alvah. Their faces at the height of Alvah’s head. ALVAH (CONT’D) This is stupid. Bigfoot. You’re like the king of the forest. You’re stronger than just a stupid nickname. (Beat) Also like humans CALL YOU BIGFOOT. That’s where it started. If you have a problem, go to them. Sasquatch bursts into tears. Yeti stands over Alvah. He gulps. YETI HEY! NOBODY CALLS HIM BIGFOOT! SASQUATCH (crying) But he’s right! I should be stronger than this! Dany stands. He motions for them to sit down. They both sit back down on the couch. DANY I think we had a real breakthrough here.
6. Dany sits in between the two creatures. He looks back and forth between them. He puts their hands together. Sasquatch looks at Yeti. Yeti looks at Sasquatch. SASQUATCH I’m sorry I called you Abominable. YETI I’m sorry I called you Bigfoot. And?
DANY
YETI I knew you didn’t like it, but I did it anyway because I thought it was cool. SASQUATCH I miss you, Cuz! They both break into tears and hug each other. Dany squished in between them. Alvah stares in shock. ALVAH AND DANY TALKING HEAD ALVAH Dany has some like magical power where he just gets people! DANY I may be dead, but I’m not dead inside. ALVAH That was very deep. DANY Thank you. I’ve been saving that line for a hundred years. INT. BEDROOM - LATER Alvah and Dany’s bedroom is empty and dull. The walls are a deep grey and there are black blackout curtains hanging in front of the windows. A large, gothic chandelier hangs above Dany and Alvah’s coffins. Alvah sits up in his coffin.
7. DANY Well, I’m glad we brought a family back together. Dany warmly smiles. ALVAH Me too. But if we don’t kill something tomorrow night, I think I’m going to die. DANY You’re being overdramatic again. We can’t die from lack of blood. We’d either have to be stabbed with a stake, go into the light without protection... Dany drones on about the multiple ways vampires can die. [Garlic, Holy water, beheaded, silver bullets, etc.] ALVAH GOOD MORNING! Alvah lays down and slams his coffin shut. Typical.
DANY
Dany lays down and closes his coffin. BLACKOUT.