2018
Matthew’s Last Minute Holiday Gift Guide
… helping you find that special gift for that special someone since 2018
your dad’s fifth wife named Jenny who you call “Jenneth” as a meme
FABFITFUN Subscription Box Beauty, Wellness, Fitness, and Fashion
$49.99
- good chance she does yoga seeing as she is 24 years of age and your dad is 57 - who doesn’t love fuzzy socks?!
“how come I am the same age as Jenneth … does anyone not find this weird?” - Matthew Conacher 2018
your 2B Dundas
bus driver
Calibre de Cartier Diver Blue Watch 42MM Pink Gold
$12, 900
- to keep him/her on time and not 33 minutes behind schedule
Planters Lightly Salted Cashews Pack of Three
$32.78
- because some bus drivers seem to enjoy being salty
“growing up, my parents drove me everywhere and I gave them the gift of being their son … do the same for your bus driver ” - Matthew Conacher 2018
your therapist
Amazon Echo 2nd Generation - Smart Speaker with Alexa
$129.99
- so your therapist can get answers to life’s most deep questions - also a speaker so they can cry along to Adele in their office between appointments
“odds are your therapist is tired of hearing your voice and wants a turn hearing their own” - Matthew Conacher 2018
your religious cousin
Custom Embossed Holy Guacamole Spoon DIY it for like
$2
- to keep the lord’s memory in our Mexican festivities
Saint Beyonce Candle 9”/22.5cm unscented
£18.00
- prayer candle to use during exam season/award season/ if your wife is leaving you/ if you want a promotion at work, etc.
“raise the roof for Jesus Christ … second most iconic birth — right behind Raini Rodriguez” - Matthew Conacher 2018
the Ceeps bouncer who sometimes lets you in the side door for free
Dove for Men + Care Antiperspirant Stick Clean Comfort Scent
$3.97
- give the gift of cleanliness - why do all bouncers smell a lil funky?
- I am all about line by-pass but let’s not by pass this step in our morning routine .. sweaty
“you know who you are… and you’re a real one” - Matthew Conacher 2018
your friend from high-school who is now a
rapper
Subway Job Application Downloadable Online for
FREE
- provide your friend with an income - literally no better gift than the gift of meaningful employment
“ is it too late to make a let’s get this bread joke?” - Matthew Conacher 2018
a girl you met at a pre literally one time but follow on Instagram for some reason
Visa Gift Card
$100
- this girl clearly just needs money - the daily pyramid scheme hair Instagram stories are a cry for help and this girl needs to pay her dad back after putting $760 worth of Uber on his AMEX
“no I don’t want to learn more about how you were able to fix your roots and now have incredibly shiny silky hair” - Matthew Conacher 2018
the CEO of a company you’re trying to get hired at
Edible Arrangement Celebration® With Dipped Strawberries
$65.99
- old people love fruit
- stalk your crush (CEO) on LinkedIn and find their office address and mail the basket to them - request that the Edible Arrangement team roll up your resume and stick it somewhere in the parcel
“rich old people live for fresh fruit and Donald Trump” - Matthew Conacher 2018