Comedy Writing MatthewConacher 2017
List Assignment
Ten Things You Might’ve Missed Regarding The Spoke’s $1-Million Renovation 1. Latest in Tea Offerings New varieties available include: Earl Grey, Chai, and English Breakfast! This new addition would be great if sad professors contemplating their mundane lives weren’t the only people who drank tea. 2. Window Signage To say that “everyone who attends Western knows where The Spoke is located” would not be an understatement. With their huge investment into a 10-foot-wide window sign, Western is sending a clear message that it, as an institution, thinks its students are dumb. 3. Empty Rooftop Toy-Train Track Vestibule (see Right) I would like to personally meet with the designer to ask what drugs they were on when they planned to install this long, ugly, train-track-vestibule looking roof instalment. Western, as an institution, teaches us to be critical thinkers and as both a critical thinker and Western student I must ask, “what the hell were you thinking, buddy?” 4. Self-Serve Coffee Station When is the last time a Western student has actually done something for themselves? Western students are amongst the most pretentious in Canada. Most students here have their parents ‘Uber’ them to and from school on the daily. The Self-Serve station poses nothing but problems for the incompetent student population who even struggle with holding a pencil let alone something as complicated as pushing a lever for coffee. 5. 60” Television With the sole purpose of displaying advertisements, The Spoke’s investment in a 60” television might come as a shock to some. Speaking personally here, nothing aids in the digestion of my Jalapeño Cheddar Bagel with Roasted Red Pepper Cream Cheese more than seeing an advertisement for vaginal laser hair removal in the UCC basement. 6. Lack of Seats If you’re one of the many students who thought it was hard to find seats in The Spoke before the renovation, you're in for a treat. By replacing all of the booths and tables with massive 15-foot long tables to foster “community”, The Spoke now forces you to sit 18 centimetres from legitimate strangers. If I wanted someone to sit that close and judge me while eating a 1200 calorie meal, I would hire Jillian Michaels from ABC’s The Biggest Loser to scream at me while doing so. 7. Express Station for Coffee With Tim Hortons, Starbucks, and about 50,000 other viable, better tasting coffee choices within the UCC, the Spoke’s investment into an “express coffee station” might be a bigger waste of money than Chakma’s 2016-2017 salary. 8. Lemon Cranberry Muffins The market research team who identified cranberries as an important food for Western students deserve an award for outstanding service. Approximately 86% of the Western student population will have a urinary tract infection (UTI) at some point this upcoming school year, so this is a welcome addition to The Spoke’s muffin line-up. 9. Disgusting Photos of Menu Items TRIGGER WARNING: The photo of the stir-fry featured on the Spoke’s menu might evoke feelings of pain and suffering. For all the money spent on this renovation, you’d think they might hire someone competent in the skill of photography to take photos of the food for the menu boards. Western students live for Instagram and an Instagram famous alumni should've been consulted before this atrocity was approved. 10. Patio Renovation The much needed patio renovation is amazing for the estimated 4 days of sun that we experience during the academic school year.
Personal Experience Story Assignment
Undercover Vegan I would like to preface this story by stating that I am not vegan. I live for a decently cooked steak, assorted cured meats, and 20+ year old cheeses.
It was a chilly September evening when I, an impoverished, caffeinated, fragile student, was scrolling through Facebook and stumbled upon a post with the tagline “Win Free Spoke Bagels for a Year”. Hungry and as emotional as usual, I proceeded to fill out an application to win free b agels for a year from my local on-campus cafe (and personal Eden) The Spoke. A week later, I was notified that I had been chosen as one of the final four contestants and my photo submission, along with three others, was posted to The Spoke’s Facebook page with the rules that the photo with the most likes by October 17th wins! Eager to escape poverty and to be able to eat something other than Kraft Dinner, tuna from a can, and Premium Plus salt-top cracker, I was stoked. After analyzing my options and acknowledging that I wouldn’t be able to win based solely off of my charm and good looks, I began to devise my plan. I thought to myself, “Who even uses Facebook, I mean it’s 2017!?” and “How do I capitalize on the fact only elderly women think I am cute?”. I sought advice from my only marketing savvy friend — a business school dropout. He advised me to join hobby groups on Facebook and share my post into them. By targeting the only people who actively use Facebook (moms and vegans) I would be able to maximize the likelihood of getting likes on my post. With a marketing plan and the possibility of unlimited bagels, I began the quest to get the most likes! The first Facebook group I joined was titled ‘Toronto Vegans’. With over 300,000 members, I knew it would be an easy source of likes from some sympathetic Facebook using veggie-heads. I shared my post into the group with the caption: “Hey fellow veggieheads! My name is Matt (vegan since 2007) and I have been given the opportunity of a lifetime to win a vegan bagel with vegan cream cheese every day for the rest of the school year. My local cafe has the best vegan baked goods and I have the chance to win a free one every day with your help!”. Disclaimer: I am not vegan nor does the Spoke accommodate those with vegan dietary restrictions.
Personal Experience Story Assignment
As an undercover vegan, I felt a rush every time I shared my post into a different vegetarian/vegan related group. The thrill of receiving comments from 46-year-old women from Connecticut saying “Liked! Hope you win, honey!” fuelled my campaign. The number of likes quickly rose and I surpassed the competitors, raking in the likes by the hundreds. Around the sixth day of campaigning hard and sharing the post into almost every Facebook group I have ever been a part of, I began to lose traction. Sitting at 2800 likes, I knew I needed something special to push me over the 3000 mark. For those of you who are unaware, “Brooklin Moms” is a Facebook group with every mother in Brooklin, Ontario; sad, sympathetic moms who post four ingredient dinner videos and share cat pictures were the perfect group to target. By playing on their emotions and hoping that they also had hungry kids away at university, I shared my post and prayed. The next morning, I awoke to a big old 3032 likes on my photo. My journey was not without its ups and downs. Around day eleven, I noticed that I had a lot of notifications coming from the Toronto Vegan group. After further investigation, I discovered that my cover had been blown. Karol Marocho, a 65year-old vegan mother from Etobicoke, had done some research and was out to get me. On my post she first commented “Done. Good luck!”. Shortly after she commented again, stating something along the lines of “Unliking your pic. I don’t think it’s cool for you to lie about veganism in order to get likes. I am happy to be proved wrong!”. Now, how did a 65-year-old from West Toronto know I am not vegan? Also, who the heck spells Carol with a K?! In addition to outing me for not being vegan, Karol went on to stalk my Facebook profile and save photos that I have posted of me eating meat and literally commented them on my post. So you may be asking yourself what I learned from this experience? Not that lying about being vegan in order to get likes is pathetic and sad, but that my Facebook privacy settings need to be updated (and that Karol from Etobicoke needs to cool it).
Parody/Satire Assignment
The Real Housemates of 55 Beaufort Street
The Real Housemates of 55 Beaufort Street focuses on the lives of Matthew Conacher, Jaime Nguyen, and Alexa Newhouse. During the season, our crew follows the experiences of these three young adults during their time at Western University and explores the mischief they get into, the drama that ensues, and the inevitable fights that arise when dealing with the inter-relations of three privileged university students.
Parody/Satire Assignment
Parody/Satire Assignment
Fake Obituary Assignment
1997-2017 Kingston, Ontario — Matthew Marshall Conacher’s dignity and self-respect, 19 years and 10 months, died Saturday, October 14th, 2017 at the Kingston General Hospital following a brief altercation. He leaves behind his body of almost 20 years (damaged physically and emotionally), his sense of humour (very dark), his beautiful head of hair (very thick), his reusable water bottle (Matthew was very environmentally conscious) his two grandchildren, and many close friends. Born and raised in Whitby, Ontario, to loving parents Robert and Mary (Marshall) Conacher, Matthew spent his entire life in the hurt suburb of Whitby. As a child, Matthew’s dignity was often challenged every time he put his hand up in elementary school to answer a teacher’s question. Being picked last for recess dodgeball took a toll on Matthew. In his teenage years, Matthew’s sense of dignity and self-respect was at its peak. His self-love overshadowed any scrap of self-doubt. He did not know, however, that a little piece of it would disappear each and every day… and no one knew it would die after 20 short years. After graduating from Sinclair Secondary School in 2015, his dignity took another major blow when he started attending The University of Western Ontario for media studies (whatever that is). From receiving a 33% on an Economics mid-term during his first year away at school, to being rescued from a house party after puking on a stranger’s front lawn, Matthew’s self-worth and self-respect began to deteriorate and worsen as he made a name for himself at his university. The final bit of Matthew’s dignity and self-respect was lost at Queen’s University on the 14th of October. On a chilly, festive morning, Queen’s students piled into the streets for their official “homecoming weekend”. Neither a Queen’s student, nor someone worthy of celebrating a homecoming, Matthew began his morning like any other — with a piece of toast and 4 shots of tequila. His demise came in not consuming enough for breakfast. After back to back shots of every alcohol imaginable, Matthew’s self-respect and dignity could no longer take it and Matthew ended up in the fetal position in a random stranger’s backyard. Thankfully, another stranger was there to document the incident and share it with 952,083 (and counting) potential future employers on social media. The death of Matthew Conacher’s dignity and self-respect will be a difficult pill to swallow for most and he will be missed dearly. A Memorial Service and Reception will be held on Saturday, November 14th, 2 to 5 PM, at the Mount Pleasant Visitation Centre, 375 Mount Pleasant Road – East Gate Entrance, Toronto. In lieu of flowers, if you wish, you may donate to a GoFundMe to help Matthew survive financially now that this video is out there on the internet.
Product Description Assignment
DIVA CUP
Introducing The Diva Cup, the world's first portable water dish for your purse dog. Chihuahuas, Pomeranians, and Yorkshire Terriers — worry no more. Dehydration will no longer be a problem with Diva International Inc.’s newest product, The Diva Cup. Compact, small, and very discreet, The Diva Cup is a bendable and durable silicone funnel that fits inside your purse and can be pulled out at any time to hydrate your “man’s best friend”. Whether you’re taking Tinder pictures with your puppy in the hot sunlight in hopes of getting a date or accidently suffocating your dog in your Louis Vuitton purse, your pup’s hydration should be your number one priority. Diva International Inc.’s goal of ending Cystic PDD (Purse Dog Dehydration) pushed our founder to work with designers and architects from all over the world in designing a product that had the capability to help put an end to such an awful disease. Responsible for 7 deaths in America, PDD (and its terrible symptoms) effect 0.00000002% of the American dog population. This epidemic, paired with the devastating diagnosis of PDD on her own Chihuahua, pushed our founder to take affirmative action. No need to feel shame about hydrating your doggy. Everyone does it! Why buy water dishes every month, just to use them and inevitably toss them in the trash? Save the environment and end the stigma around keeping your mongrel hydrated with this new and innovative product! If you’re a pooch owner who only lets your pup drink carbonated water – you can frick right off! Diva Cup’s sturdy fabrication can hold any beverage, including San Pellegrino sparkling water (you pretentious piece of garbage). Christmas is just around the corner. If you love yourself, your dog, or the environment, get your paws on this product.