A MAN’S WORLD DAVID FLATMAN
All the right moves
© TAKING PICTURES
There are embarrassing bookmarks on Flats’ iPad, but they’re not what you might think…
“I’m unlikely to have an idea that transcends planet Earth”
M
y mum loves to tell the story about the bloke she met who, as well as being a friend of a friend, was also the man who introduced lollipop sticks to central Africa. What remains unclear is whether or not this chap went down the actual lollipop line or whether he just did the sticks. (Just doing the sticks would be simpler, obviously, but think of the likely profit margins in ice lollies alone. I mean, it’s literally water!) Anyway, this guy did the sticks in Africa then came back and ordered himself a crushed strawberry pink Rolls Royce and had the door handles done in gold. This vehicle would now be worth less than the gold iPad mini on which I am typing these words, but you’ll agree that its awfulness is as cool as all hell. He retired young and drove his Roller to the shops. Then there’s the person who invented cat’s eyes. I don’t mean God, because I don’t mean real cats. I of course mean the sort of cat’s eyes that reflectively separate lanes on the road. My dad used to say, as we pootled along in our Volvo estate (not gold): “God. Imagine being the guy who invented cat’s eyes.” Apart from being sexist (it was a different time), Dad meant that it would be fantastic both to be the person who invented something that so many people appreciate and need, and that this person would be minted, obviously. I’m unlikely to have an idea that transcends planet Earth, mainly because I’m not the type. Also, though, because I would firmly expect an aggressive self-starter to have got their wheels in motion on the same idea already, so wouldn’t even bother calling Deborah Meaden for Dragon advice. I do, though, appreciate the brilliant ideas of others. The best one of the last few years, as far as I can think, is RightMove. RightMove hasn’t quite become a verb, like Google, but it’s not far
off. Even when I am not seeking to buy or rent a new home, I’m on it three or four times a week. I tell myself it’s always wise to keep an eye on the market, but that’s a self-lie. I flick around on it, forever altering my filters and budgets, because I am addicted. Did you know, by the way, that some parts of central Bath are effectively as pricey as Dulwich? No, you didn’t. Well, now you do, so my addiction is justified for another year. I’m not moving to Dulwich, either. As it happens, I am kind of tentatively thinking about moving house in the next year or so, so my addiction has gathered momentum via its first dose of bona fide direction in a long time. I viewed a house last week and, when the extremely lovely lady asked if I’d been on their website, I replied: “Er, no. I just go on RightMove, obviously.” I expect estate agents want us all to go on their respective sites, but there is simply no point. Anyway, the potential move. As a big fan of Lansdown, I have worked out that Larkhall is indeed the best part of Bath to live. You can walk to a shop from Lansdown, but you’ll need lungs like hot air balloons to get home again. In Larkhall, everything is there; it’s just there. The only thing is that everyone else knows about RightMove, too, so if a nice house ever pops up there it will be sold before I’ve even scrolled down to the ‘Must Haves’ section and internally bemoaned the absence of an ‘Outdoor Kitchen’ box to tick. Addictions are bad. Everyone in Bath should stop perusing RightMove now. Right now. Break the habit. I’ll let you know when it’s safe to go back in, and that will likely be about a week after I’ve moved into the house that nobody ever saw. David Flatman is an ex-Bath and England rugby star turned TV pundit and rent-o-mic. Follow him on Twitter @davidflatman
www.mediaclash.co.uk I BATH LIFE I 23
