advice
Single-Mom Advice Eleven things I learned parenting on my own BY JEANNINE CINTRON
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efore I became one, I used to think single moms were superheroes. The truth is, I’m no one’s hero. I’m an overcaffeinated, perpetually guilt-ridden, sometimes depressed, usually anxious adult trying desperately to raise a pair of decent human beings without losing my mind in the process. I’m super sarcastic, super tired, super easily annoyed. But a superhero I am not. My ex and I separated almost 2 years ago—just before COVID, lucky me!—and it’s been quite the journey navigating the choppy waters of single parenthood. From co-parenting with my ex to dating app nightmares and everything in between, it’s been a wild ride. While I still have much to learn, here are some nuggets of wisdom I’ve picked up so far.
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Don’t be afraid to do “the guy stuff.” The very
thing that used to scare me the most about being on my own is now my favorite part of it all. Before the divorce, my ex did all the typical “guy stuff” (pardon my lack of feminism) like driving on car rides, assembling furniture, hooking up electrical wires, fixing leaks, absolutely anything that requires a toolbox or a trip to Home Depot…you get the picture. These days, there is no “guy stuff.” Where there used to be a “man to take care of it,” now there’s just me, knowing I’ll feel like a total badass after I casually conquer something pre-divorce me couldn’t fathom.
Accept help when it is offered. Tell your
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family or friends when you’re not okay. Ask people to check up on you. While it’s true that no one actually died it may feel like death. You’ve lost a huge part of your life—and your heart—and you are mourning that loss. People who haven’t been there will not understand. So tell them how you’re feeling. Educate them on this kind of grief. Ask for help when you need it.
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Don’t rush into a relationship. For some people, just the thought of going on a date can be terrifying. But for others, the idea of meeting someone new might be
30 January 2022 • siparent.com
exciting. If you were in a dying, loveless marriage for a long time, it’s only natural to seek romance and affection from someone new. If you think you are ready, it’s okay to start dating. But if you rush into a serious relationship, you’re likely doing yourself a disservice. This is your time to flourish on your own, to focus on YOU and decide what you really want—not just in a partner, but in yourself.
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You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You
know those friends who learned you were getting divorced and were all, “OMG! You didn’t even tell me you and so-and-so were having problems! Why didn’t you come talk to me?!” Forget them. A conversation with a “Becky”—about how you went without sex for a year— wouldn’t have saved your doomed marriage. Don’t ever let phony friends make you feel badly about your decisions.
Embrace new friendships and nurture old ones. You
definitely don’t need a “Becky” in your life, but you do need a small circle of trustworthy friends who truly support you and care about your well-being. So reach out to the close friends you haven’t spoken to in a while, or maybe even dare to seek out some new friendships. You will feel alone a lot, but good friends will help remind you that you aren’t as alone as you think.
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