TRENDING IN THE TROPICS Taking off my hijab (but not my faith).
ë ñ ï z å g å m ñ û f Smårt ëñ m ø w ñ û f t r å m før s
LEADING LADIES Ibu Rucina: falling in love with a Balinese man.
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10 CONTRIBUTORS 11 WANT TO GET PUBLISHED?
CONTENT
06 EDITORIAL A note from the editor
12 TRENDING IN THE TROPICS Taking off my hijab (but not my faith).
52
Laughing Matters Washing your eyes with razors
32 OPEN PAGES Rain 40 BULLSHITOMETER Coach, grandma or fortune cookie: who gives better life guidance? 4
34
Ask Mama Bali What do I do if someone ghosted me?
58 KEEP YOUR WITS ABOUT YOU
60 BRANCH OUT IN BALI Irish karaoke queen going sober.
70 ART ZONE Ubud Writers and Readers Festival: Fostering an Artistic Community
76 BALI INSIDER INKLUSIV WARUNG: culinary crusaders of inclusivity. 80 OPEN PAGES Celebrating female voices
22
Leading Ladies Ibu Rucina: Faling in love with a Balinese Man. 5
EDITORIAL
We’ve come to this tropical haven not just for the sun-kissed surfer boys and Instagrammable coconuts. We’re here on a grand quest for a Change. Some vague personal transformation. Our pilgrimage to Bali follows a predictable path. Freshly barefooted, frangipani behind the ear, we’re promptly hit with cacao-fuelled epiphanies under the freakishly full Bali moon. Hold on to your sarongs. We’ve got it. From here on, less inhibitions. More zen. More zest. More coconuts. We’re ready to be softer. Happier. Healthier. We learn anew to listen to ourselves. To eat better. Maybe we even quit alcohol. Just like our Branch out in Bali columnist learning to navigate the wild world of Bali nightlife without a single drop of liquid courage. An Irish introvert attempting the unthinkable – going out booze-free – is like witnessing a unicorn strolling through the rice paddies. A rare and majestic sight. But oh, personal changes are indeed a spectacle. A firework show that dazzles some and deeply disturbs others. Just ask Ayu, our fearless hijab renegade. She decided to redefine what it means to be
a happy Muslim woman in contemporary Indonesia by ditching her hijab. Brave move? You bet. Did it ruffle some feathers? Absolutely. Ayu speaks her truth louder than a rooster at sunrise, defying the advice to stay quiet and obedient. Respect. Yet these days in Bali it’s wise to keep your quest for change on the downlow. The air here is thick with hope and ambition (or is that just the trash fires?). A perfect breeding ground for the newly evolved species – life coaches. In this issue, we embark on a scorching (but fair) investigation into why everyone seems to
“We, the ‘land people, need to escape Bali at least once a year. Otherwise, the island will get to you”.
harbor a not-so-secret grudge against the coaches.
7
EDITORIAL Are they the saviors we didn’t know we needed, or just expert baiters in the ocean of personal growth? And even if the worst-case scenario is true and their guidance amounts to nothing more than wisdom from your grandma, sprinkled at random with a few woke words like ‘manifest’, ‘consciousness’, or ‘trauma’, we’re nonetheless grateful for their existence. Not only do they sharpen our bullshitometer, they also remind us to pause and assess our relationship with change and self-improvement.
Are we just caught up in the romantic allure of reinvention? Are we stuck in a perpetual pursuit of self-enhancement driven by a deep-seated sense of inadequacy? Brainwashed into ‘making it’? Why are we chasing success? How do we define it? And are we even ready for it? What better time for such reflections than at the dawn of the rainy season? In the Open Pages – our literary open mic driven by submissions from our readers – we’re ushered into the season of contemplation by some gentle poetry. Think of it as a poetic monsoon shower for your soul.
8
Yes, we came to Bali to make a change.
Otherwise, you can end up a Thai
But stay here too long, and you’ll feel
Laughing Matter, like our Ibu Skit.
the swamp of complacency sucking
But if you can crack the code and
you in. As one wise friend puts it,
figure out how to do this crazy
we, the ‘land people, need to escape
ride called Bali, your personal
Bali at least once a year for a couple
metamorphosis will inevitably
of months. Otherwise, the island will
ripple out, allowing you to make a
get to you. So, if you start hearing
real difference in this world. Or as
whispers, ‘Hey, you with the Bintang
coaches would say, your individual
in hand, it’s time to shake things
evolution will contribute to the
up! –’ don’t shrug it off as another
collective growth. And with whom
bad trip. Listen to these whispers
better to check in for advice than the
before they snowball into something
OGs, the wise elders who’ve clocked
entirely less pleasant. It shouldn’t take
in decades on this island. Ibu Rucina
a horde of disgruntled roosters for
gets real in the Leading Ladies
you to know it’s time to take a break.
column, revealing what it was like
But be sure to check in with yourself
for a strong American trying to make
first so you don’t end up taking a
changes in the 80s after marrying
break for all the wrong reasons.
a Balinese man. We are inspired.
Read on, dear fellow practitioner of chaos. And let our reflections and our stories support you in your daily acts of quiet courage on your deeply profound transformation journey.
sia Ana sta ova Belik Modern Women Bali Founder 9
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Sania Rasyid EDITORS Lynn Maria Minervini Rahima Saikal EDITORIAL TEAM Sydney Barnett Saoirse Rafferty Megan Lynn Judd Katie Mary Kat Van Sligtenhorst ADVISORY BOARD Ibu Kat The NYX DESIGN Irawan Zuhri
CONTRIBUTORS
FOUNDER Anastasia Belikova
ILLUSTRATIONS AND PHOTOGRAPHY SusaZoom Monica Carvalho Lou Benesch Casual Polar Bear Chinapat Yeukprasert Jilipollo Miki Kim Leena Manimekalai niki.studio Vicky Widayatma Dmitry Novikov Ubud Writers and Readers Festival
10
WANT TO GET
PUBLISHED? Would you like to get published? You will get a great exposure and an amazing platform to showcase your writing, your art, your area of expertise to a wide audience. We are a hub for creatives, intellectuals, business women, professionals and other badass Modern Women in Bali who want to grow, express, create, inspire, inform and connect.
Not a writer but would like to flex your creative muscles and gain experience? Join our creatives braintrust!
We welcome writers to become the voice of Modern Women Bali and make an impact in the community.
GET IN TOUCH! modernwomenbali@gmail.com
We encourage you to contribute articles, thoughts, opinions, expert tips, poems and stories about your Bali experience.
@modernwomenbali
TRENDING IN TROPICS
BY AYU ARMAN. I was born and raised a
Studying in the pesantren, I gained a broader
Muslim. My parents are strict
knowledge of Islam. I began to understand that
Muslims, especially my father.
there are diverse streams of thought in Islam.
As a child, I had to pray on
These come from the different social communities
time, recite the Qur’an, and
and political orientation of each imam (the male
wear a hijab. My authoritarian
prayer leader in a mosque), as well as the different
father didn’t hesitate to hit me
methodologies they have used to study the law
if I missed a prayer. If I didn’t
from its main sources, Al-Qur’an and the hadith
wake up before the adzan (call)
(the reported sayings and doings of the prophet
for subuh prayer, my father
Mohammed).
would soak my face and head with water. From the age of
When I first read the religious texts , I had so
13, I went to a pesantren - an
many questions. As a Muslim woman, I was taught
Islamic boarding school where
that all of my intentions, thoughts, and attitudes
I began my deeply religious
should always follow the rules and moral values of
education into the history
Al-Qur’an, the hadiths, and fiqh (Islamic law). The
of Islam. But today, though
problem was, the more I referred to these texts,
I’m still a devout Muslim
the more I felt they were unfair to my gender, to
woman, I choose to no longer
women.
wear the hijab - a choice that has shocked my parents
There are hadiths which uphold equality between
and alienated me from my
men and women, but there are also hadiths which
community.
prescribe inequality or defend misogyny.
13
TRENDING IN TROPICS
For example, there is the text about the creation of woman from the prophet Adam’s crooked ribs, which is usually interpreted to mean that women are only ‘half’ compared to men. Because of this, a woman’s testimony is only worth half of a man’s and her inheritance will only be half that of her brothers. Also, women can never be leaders.
14
“For me, love requires selfliberation”.
15
TRENDING IN TROPICS
Another text says: “If a man calls his
we need to use a contextual interpretation.
wife to bed and she refuses, and then he
We need to analyse the language and
sleeps in anger, the angels shall curse
consider the history, sociology, and
her until he awakens.” Then there is the
anthropology of the Arab lands at the
practice of polygamy and a text that says
time when the Qur’an was written down.
women’s voices are aurath (forbidden) because they tend to trigger slander.
Interpreting Al-Qur’an in context opens space for the emancipation of
‘Why do men have more privileges than women?’ I asked my teachers, and the answer was always the same: “Because men were destined to be leaders.” Of course, that was not a satisfactory answer for me. I wanted to see a world that doesn’t discriminate between men and women, a world where equality of the sexes is upheld. But I realised Islamic law takes the man’s side because the books were written by men. This injustice made me wonder and worry. Was it true that, socially, Islam placed women as second class citizens? To understand this question, I saw that we need to distinguish between the doctrinal teachings of Islam and the culturally based teachings of Islam. The Qur’an contains some teachings that were revolutionary and emancipative at the time it was written. It prescribed egalitarian social structures and the abolition of slavery. But its teachings also reflect the social context of the time. Today,
16
both men and women. But this kind of
interpretation is often unfamiliar, and
Finally, I decided to stop wearing
many communities find it difficult to
my veil, which I’d been wearing
accept. Often, those who understand the
since I was a child. For me, the
significance of gender equality experience
hijab was only an expression of
deadlock when they confront real life
Arab culture, not an obligation for
situations. When a woman is stubborn
all Muslim women.
enough to fight for control of her own life and destiny, she is often considered
When village and pesantren friends
rebellious or ‘a liberal woman’.
saw I was no longer wearing my veil, they hurled accusations at me. They said I’d turned into a ‘liberal woman’, that my faith in Islam was weak, and that I was influenced by a hedonistic, metropolitan lifestyle. The accusations became even worse when I became a single parent. As predicted, my family, especially my parents, were ashamed of my decision. They felt humiliated by their own daughter. My father kept on insisting I wear my veil, but I told him I was convinced it is not an obligation for Muslim women. I told him I felt more confident not wearing it. Our arguments ended up only making my father more upset. My mom became depressed. I lived in an area where people are fanatically Islamic, and no one in my community was sympathetic.
17
TRENDING IN TROPICS
They said I’d turned into a ‘liberal woman’, that my faith in Islam was a weak, and that I was influenced by a hedonistic, metropolitan lifestyle. Eventually, I chose to leave my
its price. We have to be ready to be
organization and the community that
slandered or even bullied. But I believe
raised me. I chose my own career path,
that when we find our inner self, and
working in media.
take charge of our lives , then we will have immeasurable happiness.
Today, after an exhausting struggle, I know I’ve made the right choice not
We also have to remember that
to wear any religious attributes on my
Indonesia does not belong to one group,
body. Without a hijab, I’ve collaborated
one religion, one tribe, or one culture.
with and learned from many
Indonesia belongs to all of us. Our
communities with different religions
country consists of many religions,
and ethnic backgrounds. My network is
tribes, and regions, but it is our
wider than it would have been, not all
common home.
in one box. And most importantly, I am happy. I know I’ve hurt my parents, but from the bottom of my heart, I still love them in my own way. For me, love requires self-liberation. If I love you, I will let you be yourself. Through rebellion I freed myself from falsity and found my most authentic self. We often need to rebel when we’re trapped in certain situations
FROM THE AUTHOR I am a biographer and tourism writer. You can read my books at https://nalapublishing.com or see my travels to the islands of Eastern Indonesia at https://ourislands.id/
or conditions, but every rebellion has
19
LEADING LADIES
Ibu Rucina: FALING IN LOVE WITH A BALINESE MAN BY RAHIMA SAIKAL “I don’t know why he married
“When I stepped off the plane, I
me. He knew he was marrying a
thought, I’m home,” Rucina said,
strong Western woman.”
rolling her eyes. “I could smell the kretek in the air, it was all
Falling in love with a ‘beautiful
very romantic.”
brown man’ in Bali in the 1980s wasn’t in Ibu Rucina’s life plan.
The then-21-year-old immersed
Nor was living a life full of
herself in the world of Balinese
challenges, suppressed within
dance at KOKAR, the High
a patriarchal society and an
School of Performing Arts in
unhappy marriage to boot. But
Denpasar before moving to the
when she tells me about her
village of Batuan to study with
career, her family and her
one of the great masters.
thoughts on Balinese culture and society, I
“I studied 4 hours a day –
can see this absolute
when my teacher was there.
powerhouse of a
Sometimes he’d be at a cock fight
woman has decided
or would be feeding his cows
that it was all worth
in the field, but I’d just wait. In
it.
those days, waiting was much more a part of the culture than
Her love of traditional
it is now.”
dance brought her to Bali in the 1970s. Young, naïve
For the next decade, Rucina
and with stars in her eyes, she
went back and forth between
arrived on the island of the Gods
Bali and her home country, the
at 11.30 pm one night.
US. It wasn’t until 1985,
23
LEADING LADIES
when she came back to Peliatan, Ubud to start up a program called the Experiment in International Living that a new chapter of her life began. The American met her soon-to-be husband, Agung, who was teaching Bahasa Indonesia in the program. The pair married the following year and moved to the States so that Rucina could give birth to their first son and Agung could experience life elsewhere. “He hated it. He had to work in construction and because of his caste in Bali, he thought the work was beneath him. It was a really tough year.” This was only the beginning. At the age of 35, Rucina had committed herself to a life of eternal compromise. “Balinese culture is extremely patriarchal and misogynistic. It’s just the way it is. It was so difficult for me. When we would go to family ceremonies and rituals, I would put on my smiling mask. I would sit with the other women and chat, finding solace and meaningful conversations amongst the dancers of the family.” When the couple’s second son was born, Rucina breathed a sigh of relief that he wasn’t a girl.
“...many foreign women are naive. They simply don’t know what they are signing up for”. 24
25
“I honestly thought he was going to be a girl the whole time I was pregnant and I didn’t want to know, even though in those days you could find out. When he was born, I thought ok, good, I don’t have to worry about him facing discrimination and he will be allowed to go abroad to study.” Rucina believes that, much like herself, many foreign women are naïve. They
“Try and see the world through a Balinese’s eyes – it will expand your worldview”.
simply don’t know what they are signing up for. “You have a love affair with a Balinese
often felt neglected and unheard.
man and it’s sexy and fun or whatever
“Gung made the rules” Rucina
you want to call it and then you get
shrugs.
serious about it, decide to get married and many women don’t realise that
“There are three big things –
once you get married, the fun and
God, sex and money – that you’re
games change and you now have to be a
supposed to talk about before you
good Balinese woman” says Rucina. “ I
get married. Balinese don’t like
mean, are you willing to spend at least
to talk about any of those issues
30% of your time in the village making
and it’s only when it comes up
offerings? And keeping silent when the
during the marriage that they are
menfolk want their say? Can you handle
addressed.”
this? Traditionally women do not go out of the house one-on-one with another
During her marriage to Agung,
male, so your social life will also
Rucina continued to excel in
change”.
being a human bridge between Bali and the West throughout the
Often fighting and arguing, Rucina
1990s. She remained director of
constantly found herself being silenced
the study abroad program for five
within her marriage. She had many
years before she began working for
ideas and thoughts on how she wanted
Elderhostel, an organisation that
to raise her children but her husband
made it possible for older people
always had the last say. The two didn’t
to participate in an immersive
agree on the big issues in life and she
Balinese cultural program.
26
LEADING LADIES
27
LEADING LADIES This proved to be a successful and
create the Annika Linden Centre in
lucrative venture, until the Asian
Denpasar dedicated to one of the bomb
financial crisis transpired in 1997. This
victims in the spirit of helping those
resulted in thousands of expats leaving
who were economically disadvantaged.
the island, few tourists arriving and Elderhostel shutting down in Indonesia.
Back on the home front, she and
Rucina and her family nearly went
her husband were asked to become
bankrupt and as they were slowly
the klian adat, aka the traditional
building their financial life again, the
heads of their village in Abianbase,
Bali bombings in 2002 occurred.
Kapal. This was a huge honour and responsibility, making Rucina the first
After the tragedy, Rucina worked hard
foreign woman in Bali to take up this
to find a way to help the survivors of
position. Ibu Rucina accepted, hoping
the bombings, their families and the
she could make positive changes.
people of Bali. She was recruited by the foundation Yayasan Kemanusiaan
“It didn’t work. I tried to implement small
Ibu Pertiwi (YKIP), and then helped
changes, like let’s stop using imported fruit and lower the carbon footprint, let’s support local fruit. The women told me: “It’s too expensive”. I would say, if you grow a tree now, in five years you’ll have fruit. They just thought I was crazy. It was beyond frustrating. But, it’s hard to instigate changes, to create a ripple effect, especially in a patriarchal culture. No one wants to be the hero here because the Balinese are taught from a young age not to stand out or call attention to themselves as this makes their families ‘malu’ – embarrassed. It is more important to just go along with the status quo.” However nowadays, more and more Balinese women are forging ahead with a career and for some, gone are the days of sitting around the banjar, making offerings day in and day out. “I have actually heard of a Balinese woman who is now head of her village,
28
which is amazing. More choice for women is good, of course, but sadly, they are also losing touch with that part of their culture. In my family, if we have a big ceremony or a cremation, we buy everything now instead of making it – not just the two foreign women in the family – but everyone. I applaud it, but there is sadness in it too” sighs Rucina. “I don’t know how to make it balanced. Gender roles within the banjar are so proscribed and women have very little agency. We are not consulted on matters that require a vote and the daily offerings and religious rituals fall heavily on the women – when do they get time to work or build up their capacity to change and go forward into the world? I’ve always said to my kids: if you feel repressed from the banjar system, it’s up to you to change it and figure out what’s good.” Despite the fact that Rucina thinks
“Our family would have been totally
certain elements of Balinese culture
obliterated and it would have been ugly for
are unfair towards women, on the
everybody… I know some Balinese women
whole, she enjoys living in Balinese
who have left their husbands and gone
society and believes her life has been
back to their families and their brothers
enriched by the many friends and family
have said: what are you doing here? You’re
members she has on the island. This
taking my rice because now I have to feed
is also perhaps, one of the reasons she
you. There is a disincentive to leave.”
didn’t choose to divorce her husband. While it is something she certainly
Rucina gained back her sense of
contemplated at various points, she,
self-independence in 2014, the year
like most women, always had the
her husband passed away.
children at the forefront of her mind. In Bali, divorce isn’t common (although
“He had been sick for a long time and I
increasing more every year) and many
had spent years caring for him. There was
women are not allowed to see their
sadness and grief, of course, but there was
children for years if they get divorced.
also a feeling of freedom, I can’t deny that”. 29
And now? Ibu Rucina is happy. She is living the life she wants to lead. Half of her week is spent in the quiet mountains of north Bali working as the director for the Amisewaka-Desa Les Community Center by day and listening to the sound of the ocean swells by night, and the rest of the week is spent in chaotic Ubud, surrounded by her grandchildren. Her work is satisfying. She loves helping people rise out of poverty. “Our staff can feed themselves and their families. The students now have self-confidence and they feel worthy and that is amazing! That is success for me.” And she always has dance and her comedy group Grup Gedebong Goyang, which she regularly turns to in times of stress and frustration. It has been her anchor, grounding her firmly and reminding her of why she moved to Bali in the first place all those decades ago.
Reflecting on her life and her
“Balinese culture is extremely patriarchal and misogynistic. It’s just the way it is”.
marriage, Rucina acknowledges that a harmonious partnership is difficult to come by in any culture. During her 50 years of life in Bali, she has some advice for foreign women who are thinking about marrying a Balinese man. “First and foremost, learn Indonesian, if not Balinese. How else will you communicate with his family? And read as much as you can about Balinese culture.
30
LEADING LADIES
Make sure you do a prenuptial and be
interact. Take up a cause and work
very clear that any wealth you bring
with Indonesians on it. Try and see the
to the relationship is not to be divided
world through a Balinese’s eyes – it will
50/50 in case of divorce. Figure out
expand your worldview.”
what citizenship your children will be before they are born, as after they turn
Change has been a word that has
18 years old, the child has to choose
been a big part of Rucina’s vocabulary
one citizenship. Decide where they
and whether she knows it or not, she
will go to school: will they be brought
has been one of the brave women
up as Balinese, expat or somewhere
who have created ripples of change.
in between? Be proactive in making
She will always be remembered for
friends with Balinese, but know that in
speaking up when others would not
this culture, friendships across genders
and paving the way for women to
are not considered appropriate.
find their voice within a society when
Perhaps your partner is enlightened,
women are often the most quiet.
but is his family? Talk to people, 31
32
the shamans came and beat their drums rattled their rattles and rang their bells their incantations fractured the dark clouds that splintered into one last storm then the sky turned a dazzling blue everyone lifted their hands to shield their eyes the clouds that could escaped to the sea the rain pounded the water waves rose up to fight back the fishermen shook their fists then while smoking drinking and dealing cards they asked how long can it last? the clouds love the land the shamans can’t hold them back for four days it rained on the sea on the land in the villages everyone was squinting it’s so bright it’s so blue look how everything glows on the fifth day the sky turned white and quiet because the clouds did love the land they couldn’t stay away from the conversation with mist and trees and from the secret things they did with mountains they gathered and gathered turned violet and smoky gray everyone sighed soon it will rain the shamans covered their drums with a cloth put their rattles and bells in pouches the ceremonies were over four days are enough for the town where people are so lost they think they found themselves 33
ASK MAMA BALI Mama Bali is an all-knowing, gentle spirit
go scream under a waterfall, block them,
that watches over Bali with a smirk on
smell the cempaka, and sing ken ken,
her face. Like an old granny watching her
sister!”
favorite soap opera, she’s fully invested in all the drama. She knows all of our
In terms of actual advice she has a gift for
patterns, and she sees past all of the
pointing out when we make assumptions,
bullsh*t.
overgeneralize, create black and white thoughts, fortune tell, catastrophize,
Due to a recent uptick in bad advice
think in terms of shoulds/musts, jump to
circulating around (hello pesky “life
conclusions, blame, etc. Mama Bali will
coaches”), Mama Bali feels compelled to
help you to recognise that you are holding
open her DM’s to all of your troubles so she
the remote for the soap opera inside your
can impart her eternal wisdom.
mind and will show you a couple of power buttons.
Now remember, Mama Bali is an old crone with sass. She’s the Alpha-Ibu that keeps
And of course Mama Bali has a tribe -
the whole damn island’s shit together.
whenever her wisdom alone is not enough
She doesn’t have time to wrap her truth
she calls on her mama crew - expert
bombs in banana leaves. Her tough love
business advisers, legit psychologists
is intended to challenge you and take
(goodbye ‘life coaches’), experienced
responsibility for your life.
artists and other no-bs true experts of their fields.
She uses humor to remind you to lighten up – you are fortunate enough to live in
So rev up your Scoopy, put on your damn
her paradise after all! And at the end of
helmet.
the day, like any sweet Ibu in Bali would say: “Sudah makan? Oh sayang, wipe
Mama Bali is here to help you navigate all
your tears, get yourself a nasi campur,
your drama and be your best self.
34
Ghost busters! Hi Mama Bali, what do I do if someone “ghosted” me? Do I just say nothing? Or do I ask why and hopefully get some answers?
Ladies, when we’re driving down If you are feeling stuck or confused, send us your troubles - emotional, relationship, business, creative, family, whatever, and wait for us to publish a response from Mama Bali.
the road and men shout “hello!” from the side of the road, what do we do? Do we skirt to a stop, and ask them why they shouted? No. We just keep driving and roll our eyes at their lack of maturity (and
modernwomenbali@gmail.com
creativity!).
@modernwomenbali
Sayang, if someone has ghosted you, I want you to picture this: me, your Mama Bali, in my best kabaya, in the middle of the road
35
ASK MAMA BALI
“Ghosting is its own form of communication. It is a symptom of their emotional unavailability”.
36
with a whistle and an orange glow stick,
capacity or level of respect for you to grant
waving at you to TERUS, TERUS, TERUS!
you a proper ending in the first place, to
Just keep on driving. There are better matches waiting for you down the road, trust me (though not down Raya Canggu stay away from there!). If you had a few interactions before the crime (ghosting) took place – say, a couple of beach walks and a Black Sand happy hour – then frankly, I’d like to remind you
now reappear from the dead, and have a conversation with you to bring you comfort with their reasons? My dear child, they didn’t care enough to put themselves through the awkwardness of having an honest conversation with you then, so may I point out that the likelihood they show up to give you a wrap up now is… well, as unlikely as you going out on Nyepi.
that you don’t know this man from KETUT and you can wish him an Om Swastiyastu, pick yourself up by your Bandung Collection “birkenstocks,” and move on. Terimakasih, next! If, however, you were more involved, then it can be more difficult to TERUS, TERUS, TERUS. Best we don’t sweep away those tough feelings like fallen frangipanes. It’s completely normal to feel rejected, disappointed, hurt, and confused in the aftermath of this deeply unkind and malas dating crime. Oh and another normal response? Going into full-on detective mode (and of course, getting your entire girl gang in on the
If you really need a reason why they
investigation too). I know you’re looking
ghosted you, by all means, allow your
for clues in every Whatsapp message,
Mama Bali to explain.
and dissecting every past interaction for any sign of something off. It’s ok to want answers and “closure” from them. But please, stop drafting up paragraphs in your
Ghosting is its own form of communication. It is a symptom of their emotional unavailability. The ghoster
iPhone notes for a second and hear me out.
is telling you everything you need to
Let’s look objectively, cause Mama Bali
relationship with you.” And I urge you
needs to get this straight: You want the
to take this as a sign of their limitations,
person who didn’t have the emotional
because it’s got nothing to do with you.
know: “I do not have capacity to be in
37
ASK MAMA BALI It tends to be anxiously-attached folks who
ahem… the Universe (ok, my kin in Ubud
suffer most when on the receiving end
made me say this… but I kind of agree).
of ghosting (hence, the spinning out and
TERUS, TERUS, TERUS!
holding an investigation). Avoidant types are more likely to use ghosting as a coping mechanism. It’s also worth it to mention that those struggling with mental health issues, like anxiety or depression, are also more likely to ghost. Fixer-uppers, I see you fidgeting right now. Do not, I repeat, do not take ghosting as a challenge to kick your savior complex into gear. Seriously, ask yourself, is it worth your time to chase this person down? Or are you secretly pining for an opportunity to weasel your way back into their life like the little luwak that you are? Are you going to be your best self as you jump through hoops to please this person and make them “sure” about you? Here is Mama Bali’s most stern warning: If you put your energy into someone that does not want you back, or into some “situationship” that is clearly not flowing, then you will drain your own energy and you will kill your self-esteem. Prove your worth to yourself and to…
38
Be busy, be obsessed with your own growth, and be on your own mission. Then you will be 100% YOU, a total catch! And when an emotionally unavailable ghoul drops you like the piece of hot
gorengan that you are, trust me, you’ll
P.S. I came across a recent study that
barely even notice.
said 70% of adults have been ghosted
And if you’ve done all the cord-cutting ceremonies, if you’ve written and burned letters, and cleansed your chakras from head to toe, and you
and I reckon in Bali that number is more around 90%. I’d go even further to say that based on that statistic, you’ve ghosted someone too.
still feel tempted to fire off paragraphs
And do tell me, do you perpetuate unto
about how disappointed you are, then
others what you don’t want done to
ask yourself this. Is there a real chance
you? Are you always honest and good
you’re going to be checking your phone
at rejecting someone? I’d like to leave
constantly, all-consumed and hanging
you with this call to action: let’s all do
out for their reply?
better and be more compassionate in
Last time I’ll say it, TERUS, TERUS, TERUS!
the dating process, and push through that awkward conversation… for your peace and theirs.
“Sampai jumpa, until next time. Mama Bali’s out!”
As always for your head and heart problems I am joined by our resident psychologist Dr Anastasia Sitka. You can find her gentle power alpha mama wisdom on IG: @drsitka Got a question for Mama Bali? Submit via DM modernwomenbali@gmail.com @modernwomenbali
39
BULLSHITOMETER
By Dr Anastasia Sitka Making fun of coaches is en vogue. Especially if you live in Bali, where you can’t swing a yoga mat without hitting a 20-something-year-old who’s convinced they’ve cracked the code to your best life. Coaching here is the new yoga, and every second person you meet is some kind of a coach desperately looking for an opportunity to sell you self-improvement. And no one is immune. Just the other day I cringed at an ad in a cafe: ‘Kids life coach. Ages 6 - 10’. What’s next, Express Enlightenment for Toddlers? Why the cringe though? Am I now a member of the old generation, resisting progress like repressed Baby Boomers for whom the thought of therapy was an unthinkable insult? Or is there something wrong with the coaching industry itself?
41
BULSHITOMETER First things first, how did we get here? The profession of life coaching finds its roots in the human potential movement of the 1960s and 1970s. This movement was defined by its emphasis on personal growth, self-realization, and the exploration of life’s possibilities. It encouraged individuals to break free from limitations, delve into their inner selves, and actively pursue their goals and visions. It wasn’t until the 1980s that life coaching began to emerge as a full-time career. The field quickly gained momentum throughout the 90s and 2000s, rocketing self-help gurus like Bob Proctor and Tony Robbins to celebrity status. Coaching books debuted as bestsellers. Speaking events sold out. Coaching became the career to aspire to. While the concept of life coaching is relatively modern, the desire for selfimprovement and the need for guidance in achieving it has existed throughout human history. In the past, we sought this support from our families and communities. Outside of our immediate circle, we relied on trusted authority figures like priests, shamans, village elders, fortune tellers, and witches. But as a strong sense of individualism overtook collective life, modern family and social structures thinned out, leaving us bereft of the inherent, inbuilt support systems so integral to our self-development and growth. Welcome to late-stage capitalism, where emotional support and encouragement are commodified. Instead of learning how to play nice with each other and develop deep long-lasting relationships, we’re pushed into career-focused trajectories, aspiring to earn more so we can pay someone to care about our problems. Today we have to pay for a listening ear. To be allowed to merely sit around the fire with other (paying) ‘sisters’. We must pay to
42
gaze into each other’s eyes. One
(complete with plush villa, pool, expensive
relationship coach, who preferred
cocktails, and regular bottomless brunches),
to stay anonymous, suggested that
she needed to keep the income flowing.
coaches are healing broken families
Her work became less about helping people
and communities. Perhaps. To me,
and more about making sales. Today, she
it sounds like coaching contributes
finds herself disenchanted. “Most of my
to the problem more than it solves
working hours are spent making social
it. After all, if the industry was
media content and figuring out how else I
looking out for the emotional
can increase my visibility. This is not what I
needs of a disenfranchised society,
came here for. But I have bills to pay. It’s the
we would see more attempts at
same trap that held me in my corporate job
building genuine communities. In
for so long”.
reality, numerous group workshops, women’s circles, and Facebook and
You don’t see this side of ‘living the dream’
WhatsApp groups led by coaches
on a coach’s upbeat Instagram feed, which
tend to act merely as funnels
often presents, if not a lie, then at least a
towards more lucrative courses
carefully orchestrated show. While some
or 1-on-1 sales. And amidst the
are comfortable documenting their lives
growing competition making a sale (aka monetising your passion) is becoming a coaches’ main concern. Taylor says she came to coaching naturally. She noticed that friends came to her for advice, and she was often complimented for being a good listener and sparking big life changes. A quick online course later, she became a Freedom Coach, guiding those who want to leave their full-time jobs in favour of the freelance dream. Her network of friends and friends-of-friends kept her going for well over a year. But as it ran dry, a hard reality hit. If Taylor were to keep funding her comfortable digital nomad life
BULSHITOMETER and churning out content on social
my upcoming goddess 1:1 mentorship. In
media, others feel they have to
an oversaturated market, coaches turn
compromise authenticity in order to
to survival tactics to keep turning out a
keep covering the bills. This is how we
client base. Aggressive sales techniques are
end up with identical-looking accounts
common. Pretty marketing slogans that
and offerings. Platforms are overrun
speak to your pain points, engaging videos,
with everyone following the same
and magnetic charm are all tools taught in
winning formula for making a sale.
the standard marketing courses for coaches.
It starts with a bio: I’m a ‘insert your
So remember, clicking with a coach might
specialisation’ helping ‘insert your
be genuine, or you might be hearing exactly
target audience’ with ‘insert the pain
what they want you to hear to agree to a
point’. And continues into ‘authentic
purchase.
shares’: Here’s me dancing all free and wild. Here’s me crying vulnerably.
Still struggling to stand out online? Go niche.
Here’s me being effortlessly sexy.
Coaches are taught that a narrower focus
And don’t forget an obligatory call
makes it easier to attract clients. Hence,
to action. Would you like to be like
the kids coaching, authenticity coaching,
me? Hurry up. Only 2 spaces left at
soul purpose coaching, time management coaching, confidence coaching, storytelling coaching. However, the division into these neatly defined specialisations is arbitrary and unrealistic. It’s a wild oversimplification to assume that our problems can be addressed in isolation, one by one. Just like issues with our physical bodies, psychological and behavioural difficulties are intricately related. And so a creativity coach finds themselves advising on clients’ mental health. A storytelling coach works with stage fright. An overwhelming majority of coaches I interviewed for this article, when pressed, admitted that they rarely decline a potential or refer an existing client. It’s hard to redirect money from your pocket, even with the understanding that, in many situations, the expertise of a trained therapist may be more appropriate. Further, such abundance of help is
44
Many see coaching as a more hip cousin to therapy. Stigmatised, therapy is for the broken ones. Coaching, meanwhile, is sold as a modern solution for sexy biohackers. confusing. In almost a decade of
become too goal-oriented! Chances
living in Bali, I’ve seen my fair share
are, you don’t need a coach to do better.
of spiritual and self-growth burnout.
Rather, you need to figure out why you
It’s like watching a dog chase its tail.
are obsessed with doing better. Learn
Constant bombardment with numerous
to cheer yourself on, to hold yourself
options for self-improvement plants the
accountable and keep yourself motivated.
idea that we should continuously seek
For some people, having a coach to
ways to enhance ourselves. In theory,
model these behaviours and have some
coaching is beautiful, isn’t it? It focuses
objective support navigating life is
on ‘unlocking a person’s potential to
sufficient. However, many experience
maximize their performance’, and
difficulties with these foundational skills
encourages clients to ‘acknowledge
as a symptom of a deeper underlying
their creativity and find their unique
issue. Engaging with niche coaching
solutions by developing self-awareness
gives clients the perception of making
and being goal-oriented’.
incremental progress while circling a fundamental and persistently overlooked
What’s not to like? However, we don’t
core issue. Lacking a deep knowledge of
ALWAYS need to be thinking about
psychology, coaches tend to stick a pretty
reaching our maximum potential.
band-aid on your problems and be done
If anything, we as a society have
with it. Isn’t that a waste of time and
45
BULSHITOMETER
Welcome to latestage capitalism, where emotional support and encouragement are commodified. money? Isn’t it frustrating and detrimental to one’s self-esteem to keep working around a problem that will only continue to resurface? Coaching clients often end up learning a couple of tricks and some psychological lingo (like ‘wounded child’ or ‘gaslighting’), then walk away genuinely believing they are, if not healed, then at least massively recovered. Coaching purists maintain that it’s not the coaches’ job to fix the problem. Vix Anderton, a Bali-based perfectionism coach, proposes that coaching is more about how you get on with your life given the problem. What positive steps can you take right now? Coaches, she reminds, do not teach or advice, they ask open questions helping you to see blind spots. However, she is a delightful minority. A quick search on social media shows that coaches do sell “healing”; they do promise to address the root of your problems and transform your life. And how many prospective clients are aware that coaches are not supposed to give advice or speak about their experiences? That coaching is
supposed to happen only through openended questions? Many see coaching as a more hip cousin to therapy. Stigmatised, therapy is for the broken ones. Coaching, meanwhile, is sold as a modern solution for sexy biohackers. Interestingly, coaches often gravitate toward niches that mirror the very struggles they themselves are grappling with. This is problematic for several reasons. First, it seems that now people have a life experience, and then throw the word ‘coach’ in front of it. I went through a break-up. Now I’m a break-up coach. I had a baby (#blessed). I now help overwhelmed mums to thrive… There is often a dangerous assumption that the client is the same as the coach. The “I-did-it-and-so-can-you” approach is inappropriate when it comes to something as complex as human behaviour. Encouraging clients to follow in your footsteps ignores potentially significant differences in neurology, biochemistry, upbringing, history, goals, and values. Second, coaches often end up saying what they themselves need to hear. I have had plenty of coaches coming for psychology sessions to help deal with an issue, while at the very same time promoting themselves as the solvers of that exact problem. Which brings us to an interesting question: how ‘healed’ do you have to be to heal others? Can you teach solutions to the problems you’re actively struggling with? 47
BULSHITOMETER
Without anyone checking on you, would you be able to resist the temptation to fib here and white lie there if full disclosure carries a risk of losing the client and not making the rent this month? Somewhat struggling with? Sometimes struggling
educate, train and monitor.
with? In the coaching industry, it’s all a grey
Yet the International Coach
area. Some say that former drug addicts make
Federation (ICF), one of the
the best recovery coaches. They intimately know
largest and most recognized
the pain, the pitfalls, and the relapses. Anna, a
coaching organisations
mindful nutrition coach, has struggled with eating
estimates that out of
disorders and occasionally relapses. In her mind,
approximately 4.38 million
“You only need to be one step further than your
coaches worldwide, only 71,000
client. Not even 3. When you are too far ahead, you
are certified. Less than 2%.
forget what it was like back then. You can’t relate
So why don’t more coaches
anymore. Being close to their pain makes me more
pursue certification? Perhaps
sensitive and able to help”. Perhaps whether or
due to skepticism about its
not this is acceptable hinges on disclosure. What
value and its associated costs.
if there is 100% transparency and consent? Is it
Many critics argue that ICF
okay then for the coach to be healing together with
and similar organisations
a client? Even if the answer is ‘YES’, how likely is
prioritize their financial
100% transparency given the high pressures of
gain by pushing expensive
making a living? Without anyone checking on you,
courses and accreditations.
would you be able to resist the temptation to fib
Moreover, some coaches find
here and white lie there if full disclosure carries
organisations like IFC overly
a risk of losing the client and not making the rent
prescriptive, limiting their
this month?
ability to provide personalized and effective help. “You are
The solution seems clear: such temptations are best
basically told which models
addressed by governing bodies who set standards,
to follow, which conversation
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Once you complete a course created by another coach you will receive a certificate printed on their home printer. You can now officially proclaim yourself to be certified. My husband is also certified. I once gave him a certificate for the honorary title The Silliest. Maybe we too should open our own school, the silly school, and mint certified silliness coaches. The saddest thing is, the silliness courses would probably sell. Of course, nothing is black and white. While there are serious issues with the coaching industry, scripts to apply. How am I supposed to
working with a coach has the
help people, I mean really help, if I’m
potential to be profoundly life-
just regurgitating the same couple of
altering, or at least helpful in
lines I received in training?” asks Jenny,
addressing a particular issue.
a confidence coach, who received her
Tanya, a trauma coach, proposes
psychology training as part of her Masters
a Hole vs Mountain metaphor to
and PhD in psychology. “Besides, most
gauge whether coaching is right for
models are a joke. It’s usually some kind
you.
of simplified cognitive behavioral model with some power of positive thinking
If you find yourself in a hole of
thrown in.” Some courses offered by IFC
emotional distress, self-doubt,
are remarkable, but interestingly, the basic
or anxiety, a therapist might be a
coaching accreditation program lacks any
better choice because they’ll aid
mental health training. There is, however,
you in addressing the underlying
a marketing module. And so instead
issues. If you are already on solid
many turn to other seemingly successful
ground and would like to go higher,
coaches for training.
coaching can serve your needs well.
49
BULSHITOMETER
Then which coach to choose? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer.
(insert the value that matters to
For some, recognised certification
you)? Do your definitions of and
is an important criterion. Others
reasons for this value match?
prefer coaches with an academic background, a guarantee that they
Are they selling their life as perfect?
endured years of rigorous training
Beware of FOMO-driven advertising
instead of a weekend course.
and larger-than-life social media personas. You might end up in a
Be clear about what you expect
‘Simon Says’ do-it-like-me dance.
from the coach. Do you want them to follow the purist model of
Watch out for the pressure to sign
coaching that allows only open-
up right then and there during
ended questions in sessions? Do
a free ‘discovery call’. Slow and
you want advice? Do you want
steady wins the race when it comes
to get to the root of the issue, or
to choosing a professional to work
do you need to take it slow?
with. Take your time and sleep on it. See if you still feel good about
Spend some time researching
the prospective coach a couple of
your options and clarifying your
days after the initial conversation.
needs. It also serves to spend some time observing the coach,
So yes, the coaching industry
being in their presence. Is this
seems to crumble upon a close
coach where you want to be? Are
examination and it might be
they happy/productive/honest
tempting to replace the purchase
50
of life coaching session with advice from your grandma, your cat, or even that fortune cookie you got last week. Picked at random, 9 out of 10 coaches will inspire more eye rolls than
FROM THE AUTHOR I received my Ph.D. degree in psychology with research focus on narcissism in Hong Kong, where I subsequently worked as a university lecturer and had a private
aha moments. However, as the
psychology practice. I’ve been a
experience of writing this article
regular contributor to various online
showed, there are some smart,
and print publications. Currently
honest and helpful coaches out
I’m finishing my first book ‘Gentle
there. I’d treat coaching like
alpha’, aimed at helping readers find
Tinder - if you know what you
their own rhythm towards success
want and don’t have a problem
and happiness.
swiping left for a firm no, you can find someone who can
IG: @drsitka
genuinely enhance your life.
51
52
A hot lesbian I’ve known for a year in Ubud wants me to do a motorcycle trip with her in Thailand. She says I don’t need to get the necessary foreign licence. She’ll rent the bike and do all the driving. All I have to do is show up. With lockdown followed by a visa that didn’t require me to leave this island for two years, I might be complacent in my Bali routine. I’m getting irritated by things that used to make me feel lucky. In Indonesian there’s a saying for the need for fresh perspectives: cuci mata. Literally, to clean your eyes. She wants to meet up in Phuket. I always fancy an opportunity for Thai street food, but I’m not sold. Why leave Bali to go to another holiday island I’m assuming is also crowded? She amps-up the convincing. Names all the bridges from Phuket to the mainland we can take on our adventure. I want to like this idea, yet there’s a strong resistance in my body about going. Mentally, I berate myself. A motorcycle trip with a like-minded chick? Come on. Spontaneously responding to the road is how I love to travel too. I don’t know when I’ll have the next chance to do something like this with a friend. At the Phuket airport I get a local sim card and find a taxi-van mere minutes before departure. The only seat left is next to luggage piled precariously up to my neck. But the claustrophobia I fight for seventy plus minutes is mostly caused by what’s outside this vehicle. It’s overwhelming.
53
LAUGHING MATTERS
Hotels, malls, nightclubs, bars, massage
To call this scooter small is an
parlors, tchotchke stalls, cannabis stores
understatement. Not only is it pinker than
et al are sandwiched on the sidewalks
something Barbie would drive, it could
with no space to breathe. More cement
have been made by toy manufacturer,
buildings colonize anything green,
Fischer Price. I’ve seen sewing machines
endlessly stacked up the hills to their
with more power. Could two people even
peaks. It’s south Bali in a sugar bowl.
make it up a hill on this thing? How
Thank the gods we’re not staying.
would we get out of Patong? I imagined exploring, vibrating behind this lesbian
As the last person dropped off, I may
at top speed, spitting her long hair as it
have already seen the worst of it here.
whipped across my teeth. This not my
Then I notice my friend, pulling up on the
dyke on bike fantasy!
motorcycle she’s rented for our road trip. I laugh, thinking I’m being punked.
No. Picking me up on this ‘motorcycle’ is not a hilarious, practical joke. I’m so confused, I barely have the strength to
“I’m so confused, I barely have the strength to sling on my backpack and slide onto her junior Scoopy. Under my ass, the seat feels like a thong”.
sling on my backpack and slide onto her junior Scoopy. Under my ass, the seat feels like a thong. It gets worse. With salt seemingly saved for the wound, most of the street fare here is tasteless. In my experience, bad Thai food in Thailand is rare. Not in this tourist trap. Could the recent legalization of ganja be a culprit? There’s an unsustainable glut of multiple cannabis shops on every block. Not that I don’t enjoy a little smoke, but if everyone in this town is stoned, and eating with the munchies, could that explain the paltry demand for better food? The fun novelty of drag shows, and hookers of all genders dancing on bars near a filthy beach quickly wears off.
54
It’s time for a big girl bike that doesn’t come with training wheels, and an awkward talk. When I gently mention again that being stuck somewhere is not what we discussed, she gives me another ‘lights on, nobody home’ blank stare. Did I invent the freewheeling fast and furious road trip in my head? I re-read all of our text exchanges. Conflicting travel style was a big point of contention in my marriage. My ex would enthusiastically agree to do something, then find sneaky ways to back out. How did I end up in this hideous deja-vu? Fortunately, not far, there’s a cleaner beach. I’m thrilled to finally want to get in the ocean. Within a few strokes of a much-needed swim, something encases my arm. It stings a bit. Like molten lava. Screaming, I run out of the water and dash for a bush. A guy from beach patrol catches me midcontortion, desperately trying to pee on the burn. He smiles and hands me some vinegar. Seasoned travelers hone certain instincts we come to rely on. Something in my gut tried to warn me about this trip. The body doesn’t lie. There’s no agenda. I so wanted to believe that this woman and I were on the same page, I mistakenly chose to ignore it. With fresh eyes, I’m grateful to return to the home I’ve made in Bali. Perhaps beyond a change of scenery, I needed a reminder to trust the body’s wisdom. Looking down at my arm, the ghostly tattoo from a sea creature’s toxic tentacles is no longer visible, but I suspect this cuci mata may permanently scar.
56
LAUGHING MATTERS
57
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58
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Irish karaoke queen going sober. BY SAOIRSE RAFFERTY I’ve always been the last one standing on a night out. I have a reputation of hogging the karaoke microphone and believing I’m a better dancer than Beyoncé. Though I may have been labeled the life of the party after a few too many drinks, I’m actually an introvert at heart. Traveling solo pushed me to face some uncomfortable truths about myself. I love my own company, but I don’t always love myself in social settings. I realised I want to be someone who can attend a party alone without needing to be surrounded by a gang of people drunker than myself. Without needing to be drunk at all.
After a boat trip to Gili T ended with me walking home from a night out barefoot alongside the sunrise, unable to retrieve the only shoes I’d brought with me, then being thanked by people in the hostel for a great night of entertainment, I decided I was fed up with downing shots as a form of bonding and entertaining to make friends. I wanted to be okay with ME, not just with what people thought of me. It was uncomfortable at first – it always is. It felt weird going to a bar for a drink (singular) alone while there were cliques laughing at nearby tables. My mum told me it used to be frowned upon for a woman to sit at a bar alone in Catholic Ireland, never mind order a pint of Guinness. Yet here I was judgement-free at a bar in Bali, still feeling judged.
61
If I have to down alcohol to have fun, the reality is I’m probably not having fun.
BRANCH OUT IN BALI
I decided attending a sober rave was a safe starting point for shaking the shame away and diving outside my comfort zone. At least it wasn’t the sort of raves I’d grown accustomed to, where everyone was incapable of seeing or speaking. Any Sundays we spent together were huddled up
You can choose courage or you can choose comfort. You cannot have both.
in blankets hiding behind pulled curtains. Here, people gathered
“Have you done this before?” Based on her
together for a morning of ecstatic
expression, it was clear I’d insulted her.
dancing on a rooftop overlooking
“I come here every week,” she responded
the ocean. The only sober
before dancing in the opposite direction.
gathering I’d attended on a Sunday
I then saw a girl paler than I was and
morning was Catholic mass, and
could recognize the Irish in her. I greeted
that definitely didn’t involve bodies
her like she was an old friend, then was
tangling up.
interrupted by a tall guy who decided to take on the role of security. He signaled a
I was so nervous as I stood alone
‘hush’ to remind us we were meant to ‘stay
amidst a crowd of a hundred or so
silent’ on the dancefloor. I was completely
people on the rooftop dancefloor,
stripped of my social crutches. Apparently
regretting my choice of gym shorts
nobody came here to make friends or chat;
and a tank top. Nobody could have
they were here for themselves.
prepared me for the attractive men and how confident they all were.
Enchanted by the DJ crooning some
At home, Irish men only enter the
magical words about letting go, I closed
dancefloor if they’ve gotten lost on
my eyes. All the while feeling like an
the way back from the toilet.
imposter amongst all these exotic sexy
They wouldn’t voluntarily move
people moving so joyfully. I wished I could
to the music, especially while
be more like them. I opened my eyes as the
engaging with the opposite sex in
music got progressively faster, and couldn’t
broad daylight. Next to me was
help but observe the people around me
a girl wearing a two-piece red
making poses that seemed too advanced for
outfit, jewels stuck to her chest
any yoga class I’d ever been to. They would
and glitter painted along her cheek
look ridiculous on a night out in Ireland,
bones. I braved myself to ask
but why was I the one feeling ridiculous?
63
BRANCH OUT IN BALI As I relaxed more into the beat of the
Amidst the long queue of rambunctious
bongos, an epiphany smacked me in the
groups and loved-up couples, I found
face: none of them were looking at me. They
myself next to a lady who smiled politely
weren’t looking at anyone. Just like the
at me. ‘Are you here on your own?’ I asked.
‘hushhh’ guy was trying to tell me, everyone
“Yeah, my friend was supposed to come
seemed very much into themselves, their
with me but backed out. Felt a bit weird
own bodies. So why did I care so much when
coming to a gig alone,” she responded in
none of them seemed to care? I threw my
such a soft tone I’d to lean closer to hear
arms in the air and my heart leaped with
her. “No, me too!” I said excitedly. “Except
joy as I let myself feel a part of the tribe,
without the friend part.” We both laughed
twirling freely and clapping along to the
and bonded over why we often let fear
music.
block us from going to something we’d enjoy, especially when it’s the fear of what
Soon after my first sober rave experience,
others will think. “People presume you’re
I attended a gig at Old Man’s on my own. I
lonely when you go to things alone but
felt crippled with nerves, even though it was
I like the freedom of traveling alone,” I
to see a musician I loved. Cringing at my
shared with her. We had a great night, and
reflection in the mirror before leaving the
instead of my customary shots, I sipped on
house that night, I reminded myself, ‘You
a single beer while taking in the music.
are enough as you are.’
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They would look ridiculous on a night out in Ireland, but why was I the one feeling ridiculous? Since then I’ve done months of no
fancy restaurant on your own, I dare you
alcohol to prove to myself that I
to give it a go. As Brene Browne says, “You
don’t need it to enjoy myself. But I’ve
can choose courage or you can choose
also learnt I’m able to enjoy a pint of
comfort. You cannot have both. ” I choose
Guinness without using it as my social
courage every time. What about you?
crutch. If I have to down alcohol to have fun, the reality is I’m probably not having fun. I still have a long way
FROM THE AUTHOR
to go before engaging in an intimate
First of all, my name is
dance with a stranger, but attending
pronounced ‘Seer-sha’ (I’m Irish
sober raves several times has helped me
if you hadn’t already guessed). I
feel more confident being in crowded
like to talk about the messiness
rooms.
of being human and why it’s okay to be a beginner. I am a travel
So if something inside of you is
enthusiast, writer, podcaster,
whispering ‘I wish I could do that’, I’m
book-lover, dog lover, cat lover,
here to tell you that you can! If you’re
and, as of lately, risk-taker. I have
always surrounded by the same people,
just finished my first novel and am
how are you ever going to meet new
working on the second.
people? If you’re always relying on alcohol for socializing, how will you
Check out
ever know if you’re actually enjoying it?
agoodkindofscary.com
Yes, it’ll be scary, but the more you do
or follow
it, the more you’ll learn to enjoy your
@agoodkindofscary
own company. Whether it’s going sober
on Instagram.
at a party or just eating dinner at a 65
66
Taking a Booze Break in Bali where to start? BY JO FERBRACHE
Bali, an island paradise, offers endless
While the benefits of an alcohol-free
adventures, vibrant nightlife, and
lifestyle are undeniable, it’s important to
unforgettable experiences. And they all
acknowledge the moments that can test you,
seem to come with of a few beers here, a
especially during travel and celebrations.
couple of cocktails there. If you’re looking
The clinking of glasses and the anticipation
to step away from the boozy scene and
can be enticing. Habitual moments of
embrace a healthier, alcohol-free lifestyle,
celebration, like birthdays, weddings, and
here’s a quick guide to help you get
festive holidays, often revolve around toasts
started.
and clinking glasses.
Lead me not into temptations…
These situations can be particularly
It’s impossible to ignore it; alcohol is
challenging. The allure of a cocktail on a
everywhere, from beach bars to tiki torch-
night out or a champagne toast at a wedding
lit parties. To help you with temptations
may seem hard to resist. But remember,
focus not on the challenge of abstaining
these moments are also an opportunity to
but on the benefits you gain. Think of the
redefine your relationship with celebration.
money saved, the improved health, and
What is celebration at its core? What other
the clarity of mind, all while creating
ritual can you create? How else can you
unforgettable memories. You are in Bali
treat yourself? I am now most proud to
after all with many healthy alternatives
choose sobriety precisely during social
- from fresh juices and coconuts to Jamu,
celebrations. These moments offer the
Kombuchas, and mocktails. These can all
chance for growth and empowerment on
be enjoyed without the dreaded hangover,
my terms. Try, and you will discover the
ensuring you wake up fresh after a night
true strength of being mindful and loyal to
out - The Sober Smug Face is real.
yourself in everything you do.
67
BRANCH OUT IN BALI How to Prepare Preparation is key to a successful alcohol-free night out. Start by doing your research. Explore venue menus to discover tasty, non-alcoholic drink options. Bali’s mixology scene has embraced the alcohol-free trend, offering creative concoctions that will tantalise your taste buds. Consider joining a mocktail-making class for added fun. Remember those carefree days of singing, dancing, laughing, and chatting with friends without relying on alcohol? Reconnect with your inner child and stop worrying about what others might think. Stepping out of your comfort zone becomes addictive over time, and you’ll find yourself doing things you never thought possible.
Handling Booze Bullies Stay firm in your decision to remain alcoholfree. Politely decline if someone insists on you drinking, and always prioritise your well-being. Everyone is different, and what works for one may not work for another. Initially, some may push you to change your mind, but as they witness the positive transformations in your life, their resistance may wane, and they might even become curious about the sober lifestyle themselves. If your current circle doesn’t respect your choices, seek out those who do. We’ve all been the lone sober one amidst a sea of tipsy revelers. Instead of feeling out of place, seize the opportunity. You’ll get to hear and keep secrets, solve unexpected ridiculous problems and document dance floor battles. And when tipsy friends start to slur and repeat themselves, it’s time to gracefully make your exit. Plan a fun nourishing morning after for your boozy group, and you’ll be indispensible.
68
What might we discover about ourselves when we choose to confront our pains, without the veil of alcohol?
Rethink the Role of Alcohol It’s essential to pause and reflect on the role alcohol plays in our lives, particularly during nights out. As we navigate the complexities of our past traumas and present challenges, let us ask ourselves - Is alcohol truly the answer to our need for escape, or can we find healthier ways to heal and connect with others? Perhaps the time has come for collective introspection to reconsider our relationship with alcohol and explore alternative paths to real self-discovery and resilience. After all, in a world where we are all uniquely shaped by our experiences, the question remains - What truly helps us heal, and what might we discover about ourselves when we choose to confront our pains, without the veil of alcohol? You’ve got this!
FROM THE AUTHOR Jo Ferbrache, known as “Sober Jo,” is a certified mindset coach, EFT practitioner, and alcohol-free advocate. Since January 1st, 2019, she’s been inspiring others to embrace a joyful, booze-free life. Follow her journey and gain insightful inspiration at soberjo.com and @realsoberjo
69
Ubud Writers and Readers Festival: Fostering an Artistic Community BY SAOIRSE RAFFERTY
Ubud Writers & Readers Festival celebrated its 20th anniversary with an impressive lineup of diverse artists and activists, from Booker Prize winner Bernardine Evaristo to Indonesian songwriter Kartika Jahja. Throughout these past 20 years, there has been plenty of political conflict, natural disasters & war happening around the world, but each year this special community of artists gathers with a shared love of creating art and change. What makes UWRF stand out is its unique sense of inclusion. The lines between the stage and audience blurred; the microphone was passed around and guest speakers were often found in the crowd, mingling and enjoying the talks of other writers. At the open mics, acclaimed published poets read alongside aspiring local artists. The title of ‘writer’ wasn’t viewed as a superior achievement only the elite could earn; everyone involved in the festival was a part of this community of artists, making the possibility of publication feel tangible. Very inspiring indeed!
71
Scottish poets Hollie McNish and Michael Pedersen were mingling amidst the crowd. The duo travels to many different festivals and events worldwide, earning an income from gigs and tours. They feel it’s unhealthy to put all of your financial and personal pressure on one book making it big, so they invest their time in multiple projects. “It’s not just how many people buy your book or attend the event. Everywhere you go is an opportunity to gain followers and connect with more people,” says Hollie, who has a large social media following. Many writers spend their lifetime hunched over a laptop screen creating stories, hopelessly drowning in rejection emails and quietly suffering through the obligatory writer’s block. What we learned at the festival is that it is so worth it to get out and connect. Irish author Megan Nolan and Indonesian author Dias Novita Wuri started their writing careers while networking and reading at literary events. Both believed it was ‘luck’ that they happened to bump into a person who accelerated their writing careers. Networking and attending community events seems just as important, if not more than spamming publishers’ inboxes. Megan spent all of her free time at events volunteering to read. Dias started out writing short stories for newspapers before she wrote her first novel. She is close friends with other writers whom she exchanges work with: “You can both hold each other accountable and celebrate those wins together.”
72
ART ZONE
“I didn’t belong and I didn’t care because I didn’t want to belong”. Bernardine Evaristo So how do you go about finding ‘your people’ or becoming a part of a creative community? Booker Prize winner Bernardine Evaristo encourages everyone to create the community they crave if it’s not possible to find one. She has lived her life in an unconventional way and gladly embraces being an ‘outsider’. Instead of resisting her identity or becoming a victim, she immersed herself in activism. She cofounded the Theatre of Black Women, and even though they were struggling financially , she devoted her time and creative energy to it because it was something she was passionate about. She wore distinctive, colorful clothes and lived cheaply, prioritizing travel and community. All of these choices helped feed her creativity. So instead of needing success and publication to happen immediately, consider allowing the inevitable dips and changes in your life, and weaving them into your creative process. Focus on your reason why instead of stressing about a timeline. Even though we can never fully grasp what it’s like to be in another’s shoes, this year’s Ubud Writers & Readers Festival opened doors and helped us travel between the past, present, and future, amongst various cultures and time periods.
73
ART ZONE
We were able to take a closer look at
reminder to stay persistent and build
the suffering many have undergone
resilience as writers. But also to
and discuss the current conflicts
make sure that we leave our desks,
happening around the world. During
leave our houses, and get involved in
the talk on the ongoing Israeli-
communities with people who share
Palestinian conflict, the room was
our passions. And after the festival
so crowded that audience members
we were glad to come home to our
were sitting on the floor and leaning
Women Who Write community,
against walls, but everyone held
swap notes from our favorite
space in complete silence for what
festival of the year, and to continue
speakers Michael Vatikiotis and
our artistic journeys together.
Anthony Lowenstein had to share. The solidarity and compassion in the room was palpable in the quietly serious air. During the four-day festival, individual attendees became a collective ‘we’, remembering the importance of community in the writers’ journey but also throughout life. We need people to brainstorm ideas with, to celebrate the wins and to share the struggles. People to compete against and to hold us accountable. People we can trust and who feel safe. Author Jill Dawson started writing in a male-dominated industry, and was uneasy sharing her work. “It is daring to speak out publicly when you’re unsure if you’ll be listened to. At Ubud Writers & Readers Festival, I always feel it’s a safe community where I’ll be heard.” Overall, the festival was a great
74
“Networking and attending community events seems just as important, if not more than spamming publishers’ inboxes”.
BALI INSIDER
Inklusiv Warung
CULINARY CRUSADERS OF INCLUSIVITY. BY ALIFASHEILA DINDARA DAYU
Now more than ever, Canggu is bursting with unforgettable dining experiences. This month we’d like to highlight Inklusiv Warung, a place that not only serves quality food, but is also helping to deconstruct harmful prejudices. With an impressive line-up of some pretty unique performances and events, Inklusiv Warung Restaurant has excellent food and social change in a fun atmosphere. These guys are on a culinary crusade to break down barriers and change the world, one delicious dish at a time. Inklusiv Warung Restaurant is committed to providing opportunities for the deaf and queer communities. Here, you see rockstars in the making. The restaurant gives the employees a stage to shine, creating a dining experience like no other. “The idea to open Inklusiv Warung Restaurant dawned on us in 2017. This is our project to empower minority communities,” said Gunn Wibisono, who cofounded the restaurant with his partner, Hans de Waal. Gunn and Hans recently opened another health-conscious restaurant LowCal, where they also employ Deaf waitstaff.
“As recently as 2022, only 2% of Indonesians answered that they saw homosexuasility as justifiable”.
77
Here at Inklusiv Warung Restaurant
queen performances celebrate
the employees aren’t just working;
self-expression and identity with
they’re thriving. From mastering the
some great deliberately over-the-top
art of food preparation to providing
performances. You can also enjoy
impressive customer service, the
a splash of culture with Inklusiv
restaurant ensures that its staff are
Warung Restaurant’s Balinese dance
equipped with the skills they need
shows.
to succeed. ‘Sometimes we must remind the Hearing employees to
The restaurant’s food is the icing
actively use Indonesian Sign Language
on the cake (or should we say, the
either when communicating with
chili on the satay?). Inklusiv Warung
their Deaf colleagues or even among
Restaurant’s menu is like a global
themselves,’ said Gunn. Inklusiv
flavor tour with a mix of local and
Warung Restaurant is actively involved
international flavors. We especially
with the deaf community by hosting
loved the nasi campur rendang, a
sign language classes and workshops.
classic Indonesian dish and spaghetti
Customers and staff connect on
marinara.. Each bite was a tasty
a deeper level, breaking down
adventure, making every meal at
communication barriers and building
Inklusiv Warung Restaurant a simple
a more welcoming society.
delight that’ll leave you smiling.
Inklusiv Warung Restaurant hired Ade
Inklusiv Warung isn’t just a restaurant;
Wirawan, a proud Deaf activist, as their
it’s a full-fledged celebration of life. It’s
human resources manager. Ade said
a place where fun and flavor unite to
he is excited for the eatery to bridge the
create a world that’s more open, more
gap between the Deaf and the Heares.
joyful, and definitely more delicious.
The restaurant hosts a variety of events that showcase the diverse talents of the local queer community. As recently as 2022, only 2% of Indonesians answered that they saw homosexuality as justifiable (World Values Survey). Many Indonesian LGBT activists receive brutal backlash and death threats in response to speaking out about their identity. In a country where queer folks have very few rights and protections, Inklusiv offers a space for community and joy. Karaoke nights are a hit, bringing out the inner diva in everyone. And speaking of divas, the drag 78
FROM THE A UTHOR From a very young age, singing, dancing and writing has been a passion of mine. I love to share it with everyone around me. Get in touch on IG: @sheiladayu_
BALI INSIDER
OPEN PAGES
Celebrating female voices Would you like to get featured on our Open Pages? Submitting to magazines is a great way to break into the publishing world. Ɣ Practice sharpening your pitches Ɣ Get your work seen by a large audience Ɣ Benefit from notes and feedback by experienced authors and editors…
Submit to Modern Women Bali OPEN PAGES - our literary open mic. We are inviting creative writing submissions for the prompt Stop it. It can be a poem or a short story, a song or even drawing. A winning piece selected by our editorial team will appear in Issue 2 of our magazine, and will be prominently featured on Modern Women Bali social media. Word count: 800 words max Submit to: modernwomenbali@gmail.com Submit by: 1 March 2023
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