4 minute read
Ask Flora
WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK
Q. Consequences just don’t work with our daughter. I could threaten to take away her tech time and she would just say, “Fine.” I don’t get it. It is like she just cares more about getting her way than about anything else. And when she doesn’t seem to care about the consequence, I try to add more, but I can’t really follow through on them all, so she starts to think she doesn’t have to take me seriously. We sort of feel stumped about how to best meet her needs and how to bring peace back to our house. – Mary, with a 7-year-old daughter
A. The Main Errors of Ineffective Consequences for Kids:
Getting angry, throwing out a consequence, and then seeing it has no effect on the child’s behavior can be a really frustrating cycle. The main issue often comes from perhaps using steps that are counterproductive (without even realizing it). Here are some common factors to help your consequences be more effective:
1. Don’t Go Too Big
Wanting to impose big consequences to get the child to really care about their behavior can often backfire, defeating the purpose. Going bigger is not better.
Have you found yourself saying:
“If you don’t listen to me, you’re not going anywhere for a week.”
“You will lose your birthday party if you keep this up!”
“You’re not going play for the entire weekend if you don’t get over here.”
Unfortunately, these statements are likely not consequences you are really going to enforce, so then they just lead to the child thinking they don’t need to take you seriously.
Instead – seek ways to focus on smaller steps to consequences.
“If we aren’t done with jammies and teeth by 7:30, we only have time for one book, instead of two.”
“Each minute that you continue arguing about turning off the iPad is five minutes. you lose from your iPad time tomorrow.”
2. Avoid using Consequences for Revenge Consequences should never be about getting back at your child, or shaming them. These strategies often lead to rebellion or self-loathing, and that is certainly not our goal.
Let’s not threaten to take away their lovey snuggle bunny at bedtime or tell all their friends how bad they were at bedtime. Instead, we want the consequences to guide them toward better choices, with love and respect.
3. Explain Consequences in Advance
When you repeat what you want the child to do 10 times, and then yell out, “That’s it! All these toys are going in the garbage if you don’t clean them up!”…you are missing a key opportunity to motivate the child more effectively.
After the first time you have asked them to do something, let your second reminder include the option of the consequence. For example, “I asked you to clean the toys up Josh. Let me be clear. I’m setting a timer for five minutes and any blocks still on the ground when the timer goes off, will be put on top of the fridge to take a break for two days.”
In addition, you can make general agreements in advance like:
“I noticed you have left your bike in the driveway three days in a row. New rule: When I find your bike in the driveway after bedtime, it will not be available for one day afterward.
“I noticed you used my nail polish without asking. When you choose to use my things without asking, you will not have the option to use those things at all in the future. So make a wise choice about whether you choose to ask and have lots of chances to use it, or not ask – and have that be your final time using my nail polish.”
4. Be sure the relationship is always preserved. A simple phrase like “I love you, and the answer is no” or “I love you AND… (consequence)” can deliver the message without causing unnecessary emotional distress.
“I love you AND we are turning off the iPad”
“I love you AND when you throw a toy, it will take a break above the fridge until tomorrow.”
“I love you AND I notice your bike is still not put away.”
“I love you AND when your backpack is hung up you can go play.”
Transforming your approach to consequences for your child means thinking small, staying reasonable and connected, and communicating in advance whenever possible. By reorienting your approach to consequences, you can create a system that guides your child toward positive behavior without resorting to ineffective or emotionally damaging measures.
To get more sanity-saving strategies for parenting young kids, join Flora’s Free Facebook Group: Sustainable Parenting. Questions for the next issue or wins/questions from this issue can be submitted to contactflora@gmail.com. A special thank you to those who submit monthly questions.
FLORA McCORMICK, LCPC
(406) 224-0031
