A Personal Journey Through Postpartum Depression

WRITTEN BY ALI GEARHART

When initially asked if I would share my personal experience of postpartum depression, I was terrified. But this fear is what keeps so many women silent and unable to speak out about their own struggles with mental health. No more hiding, I decided.

On a snowy St. Patrick’s Day in 2005 I gave birth to a healthy, beautiful baby girl, my first love. I was 17 years old, instantly becoming an adult. To no surprise, my brain remained stuck within the capacity of an adolescent. In the hospital, all I wanted was my mother, her comfort. Absolutely nothing felt normal; I hated it. Yet, it was my actions and decisions that put me there and, because of that, I felt very strongly that I couldn’t ask for help in any way. Which in turn, only made me feel more alone.

Though I tried educating myself as much as possible throughout my pregnancy, nothing had fully prepared me for life after delivery. I was aware of the possible risks to the mother and baby, the process of labor and delivery, in-utero development, benefits of breastfeeding, swaddling, etc. I knew it was going to be difficult, but there were no words to describe the postpartum exhaustion that would often give way to throbbing headaches, an ever-changing body that ached in all the wrong places – making what were once simple tasks such as walking, sitting or standing uncomfortable. Breastfeeding was amazing in many ways, but terribly uncomfortable and painful at times. If you know, you know. I feared nightfall when the rest of my family would go to bed. In my mind, it meant that I was completely alone.

Shortly after delivery I began experiencing the emotional roller coaster and newfound anxiety that was described to me as the “baby blues” often followed by, “You’re a new mom, that’s normal.” It made perfect sense. As the months went by, the emotions changed; they went away almost entirely. I went numb. Shortly thereafter the insomnia, depressed mood, weight loss and irritability reared their ugly heads. Some close to me gently made mention of my shrinking frame, and yet I didn’t care. I buried it all, right along with others’ concerns. Shame and intense guilt stopped me from reaching out and in some ways, sadly, it impacted my attachment to my young daughter. I built great walls, keeping others and my emotions away at all costs. I became cold and unsympathetic to others, but learned to superficially adapt to societal norms of motherhood.

The years following were full of trials and tribulations, no doubt, but also many beautiful moments and successes. I married a wonderful man, graduated college and became a nurse, bought a home, participated in therapy, continued raising my daughter and even added two more children to our family. The perinatal period of our first son went according to plan. Life was great and, following the delivery of our last child, everything was great again – victory! However, two weeks after delivery I was rushed to the hospital for delayed hemorrhaging.

Fortunately, while being prepped for an emergency hysterectomy, the bleeding stopped. I made a full recovery and returned home shortly thereafter. Upon returning home, something felt off. The numbness began creeping in, along with the irritability, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, chronic fatigue and depression. Again, I yearned for the woman I was, but knew I’d never get her back. I felt restless all the time; the guilt was at an all-time high. How could I be so fortunate and yet so unhappy? Motherhood became a series of going through the motions, often concerned that I was a terrible mom. I was afraid people would think I was “unfit.” I absolutely LOVED all of my children; it was so confusing.

Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. With encouragement, exercise, therapy, support, medication and honesty, I began to heal. The process forced me to confront everything I had buried, which was liberating.

It’s important to note that postpartum depression and anxiety can happen to anyone, from those most vulnerable and unprepared to those most stable in terms of resources and familial support. My experience has taught me to never bury what you’re feeling. A healthy, happy and supported parent is more readily able to fulfill the needs of their children. If you find yourself struggling mentally, please – no more hiding.

Ali Gearhart is a wife, mother of three and a board certified Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner, additionally certified in Perinatal Mental Health. She owns the Bozeman-based psychiatric practice, Grit & Grace, PLLC. She can be reached at alig@grit-grace-mt.com. Find out more about her at www.grit-grace-mt.com.