Facing Fears and Anxieties

A Normative Part of Growing Up

WRITTEN BY SARA SILVA

At some time or another, we have all felt a quick, LOUD thump of our heart when something surprises us and triggers a feeling of fear or the sick-to-the-stomach sensation when we are confronted by something that worries us and makes us nervous. Many of us have also experienced times when a worrying thought goes around and around in our head until it seems to grow bigger and bigger—taking up all the space in the room and sucking all the air out of it. Feelings such as fear, anxiety and nervousness are all part of the human experience and very much a part of growing up.

These feelings are such an integral part of growing, that children universally tend to fear similar things at similar ages:

• Infants tend to fear separation from their loved ones, strangers, loud noises and changes to the familiar (like daddy shaving off his beard).

• Toddlers tend to fear little and really BIG things (to them) such as bugs and animals. They also tend to fear loud noises (especially those they do not make themselves), costumes and the dark (particularly if they are left by themselves in the dark).

• Preschoolers begin to fear imaginative things such as monsters, witches, ghosts and other imaginary and supernatural beings. They may fear masks, costumes, storms, fire and bad guys. They also may fear being alone, especially in the dark…We may also begin to see some of these themes popping up in their play.

• School-age children begin to fear more real things, such as accidents and death. They may fear something happening that would cause harm to themselves or their loved ones. They may also begin experiencing social anxiety and worry about being rejected by their peers.

Validate My Feelings

Fear is there to keep us safe. Let your little one know that it is OK to feel afraid or worried sometimes. These are feelings like all of our other feelings, and they come and go throughout the day. We can support our children by coming alongside them and sitting with them in their experience at that moment, with compassion and empathy. We can reflect back to them what we see and what we hear – validating their feelings and experiences. We can also reassure them that they won’t feel like this forever, that feelings come, and they go and that we are here to help keep them safe. We can be bigger and stronger than their worries and fears and we can speak honestly to them about these feelings.

Explore My Fear Safely with Me

These big feelings are so new and they can feel so very overwhelming. Our children need our help to explore them in a safe way. We can share lighthearted stories about when we were little and the fears that we experienced. We can reassure our little ones that we are there to help them stay safe. We can read story books that explore fears and worries at a safe distance and talk about the feelings of the characters in the books. We can even tell stories about our little one’s past experiences with fear and anxiety and how these feelings went away again. We can also pretend play with our little ones, exploring these feelings through play. Just remember to follow your child’s lead and keep a finger on their comfort level so that it doesn’t become too big or too much.

With older children, we can explore their worries by talking to them about, “What might happen then?” and helping our children plan what to do if that did happen. This way we help their confidence grow as they face the “what ifs” of their worries. And with their growing confidence, their anxiety proportionally gets smaller and smaller.

Encourage Me to be Brave, but Don’t Force Me

It can sometimes be helpful to encourage your child to do things that they may feel anxious about. Sometimes they may even surprise themselves by how much they ended up enjoying the experience after all. Even if they take just a tiny step toward facing their anxiety, shower them with descriptive praise such as, “You were feeling anxious about meeting Rosy, and then she gave you a big lick that tickled and you laughed and laughed! Now you’re not as afraid of Rosy as you were.”

When Fear and Anxiety Grow Too Big

Remember, you know your child best. If it seems that their fears and anxieties have grown bigger than you and they can face together, reach out for help. A qualified mental health professional who specializes in working with children and families can be just the ticket to putting those worries and fears back in their proper perspective.

Sara Silva is a STARS Coach at Child Care Connection, where their work s is all about quality child care. Visit CCC online at cccmontana.org or call 406-587-7786 for information on our services for families and early childhood professionals.