Ask Flora

WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK

"Ask Flora,” where you can ask your parenting questions (about kids between ages 2 and 10), to Flora McCormick, Licensed Counselor and creator of the Sustainable Parenting Mentorship.

Question 1:

So, I was pretty sure my 5-year-old son was extremely well behaved because I’m super mom and I’ve got it all figured out (I’m joking, but I’m a pretty firm parent). Now I have a 10-month-old, and he is the total opposite and already more defiant than my 5-year-old has ever been. How do you START disciplining from a young age? Where do you begin, so you set up a good foundation? Alex K.

ANSWER: I appreciate your openness and honesty, Alex. I see this happen often in families (mine included!). When my second child was born, it made me realize that our children’s personalities can be so very different, strictly based on their inborn nature. It’s humbling, to say the least.

The good news is that discipline can start at a very young age. In fact, the very word discipline means “to teach,” so of course we are teaching our children in so many ways, even when they are babies. Ten to 12 months is often the starting point of when our children begin being wonderful little scientists, with several lagging skills (see explanations below):

1. As “little scientists,” our kids are constantly testing rules and boundaries to see what happens when they do. Also, they are experimenting with weight, sound, taste and touch in almost every way imaginable. That’s how their brains are primed to learn. The more we can see that they are exploring and experimenting, instead of being bad, we will respond to these challenges as teachable moments.

2. Having lagging skills means they have skills that are not-yetdeveloped. These skills include how to communicate their needs, how to manage their emotions and how to effectively have power and control in the world.

To help young children in both of these areas, we’ll want to establish kind and firm boundaries alongside strategies to redirect curiosities and build their lagging skills.

What does this tangibly look like with a 1-year-old?

Distract and Redirect: The key is to focus on what he CAN do, instead of talking about what he can’t do.

Examples:

1. When your child wants to throw a harmful object, replace the item with pom-poms, a balloon or squishy ball, saying, “This is what we can throw.”

2. When he is stuck on something in the house he can’t have, redirect toward something he can play with. The more enthusiasm you show for the appropriate object/activity, the more likely he will follow. For example, when he wants to have the remote, say “Look at this cool shaker over here!” Instead of, “No. I told you, you can’t have the remote!”

Use Sign Language to help them communicate needs: “Help,” “More,” “Please” and “All done” were the foundation signs we used with our kids between 8 and 18 months. When you notice your child trying to communicate something, give them the sign as a replacement for screaming or resisting. (tinysigns.com/baby-signlanguage-tips/) Help the child learn the sign by taking their hands and making the sign motion. [Image – “Understanding Calm” (Etsy)

Use “When… Then…” statements as often as possible.

» This is a very effective way to help your little scientist to learn cause and effect.

» “When you have your shoes on, then we get to go to the park.”

» “When you get in the stroller, then you can have your snack on our walk home.”

» “When you use a calm voice, then I’m happy to help you.”

QUESTION 2:

My 9-year-old has been sassing, interrupting and pushing boundaries more and more. Especially with her stepdad (my husband). Hormones may or may not be involved, but the disrespect and tension continue to escalate. How do I begin to navigate this? -Ashley H.

ANSWER: Thank you for this question, Ashley. I know there are likely many readers who can relate. Our elementary-aged children, nearing the tween years, can have a lot of emotions and challenging experiences each day. These experiences can range from peer conflicts, social-media pressures, extracurricular team expectations and more. And all packed into a body that is just slightly passed early childhood.

This is why I recommend getting curious, not furious. Another way to think of this idea is to connect before you correct. I wonder what ways your young daughter may be having a problem, rather than trying to be a problem, when she appears to be acting rudely. It’s counterintuitive to see back-talk or ignoring as a sign that there is hurt under the surface. However, when you do strive to listen and be curious, you often find the key to more cooperation and solutions.

When she is seeming distant, snappy or rude, try to start your response with, “I notice... (you seem upset)... Tell me about that.” This often leads the interaction into one of vulnerability, to uncover the hurt or upset that is likely underneath her rude behavior. And after some connection, you can move into correction.

Flora McCormick, LCPC is a parenting coach of over 10 years, who supports to families in Bozeman and across the country. Learn more in her FREE Facebook community: Sustainable Parenting, or on Instagram: Sustainable_Parent_Coach. Questions for the next issue can be submitted to contactflora@gmail.com.