A Perinatal Mental Health and Loss Story

WRITTEN BY AMANDA KILTY

In 2016, six months pregnant and having recently arrived in Bozeman for my husband’s dream job, I was connected to an organization called Roots Family Collaborative through a friend I met at yoga. She told me about a Roots event—Moms Like Me—taking place in the community a week after I would deliver my first child. It is there that I learned how powerful it is to tell one’s story. Thank you for taking the time to read mine.

A week after the 2017 Moms Like Me event, my husband and I had our first baby. We had a long and difficult first eight months as parents, because of our daughter's severe GI concerns. She was hospitalized at 8 months old for “failure to thrive.” After she was discharged and we returned home, we became pregnant again. I was so anxious about having another baby, as the fog was just barely starting to clear from our first. Once I accepted the pregnancy and became excited, I experienced bleeding and went to the ER, where the staff confirmed the pregnancy was viable and the baby had a heartbeat, and assured me the bleeding could be normal. I was so relieved, but a day later... more bleeding. Repeated hormone tests continued to confirm our pregnancy was fine, but in my gut, things did not feel fine. Ultimately, a final HCG test showed I was losing the baby. I was overwhelmed by GUILT: Did I cause this with anxiety? Did I eat the wrong thing? Am I not meant to be a mother?

I’ll never forget the trauma of losing that first baby at home, a painful process which had me checking for fetal matter neurotically. Meanwhile, I was also taking care of our

10-month-old (who was just starting to sleep through the night with the help of a local sleep specialist), and I chose to use coping skills I had in my toolbox rather than seeking outside help.

In August 2018, we found out we were pregnant again. This time, we felt prepared. We had our first daughter wear a shirt saying, “I’m going to be a big sister,” to surprise her grandparents on a trip. We were further along, and I had nausea, which was reassuring. As my husband, daughter and I looked at the sweet, perfectly shaped baby on the screen at the first ultrasound, we learned it did not have a heartbeat. I leaned on my own coping skills again: I cried, journaled and went to bed that night knowing the baby inside me was not alive. My doctor arranged a D&C the following morning. We learned after fetal testing that the baby was a girl and had monosomy x, also known as Turners Syndrome.

In my search for additional coping skills to help deal with the weight of loss, I found meditation. We became pregnant for the fourth time. I had a mantra: “I trust my body to support a healthy baby.” But during the winter holidays we lost a third baby, another girl.

When we became pregnant again in February 2020, I was not hopeful. I wondered: If we could lose three babies, how many more might we lose? Weeks later, at my daughter’s third birthday party, I started to lose our fourth baby.

After this loss, I was finally ready to accept help. I was blown away by the network of support that was laid out before me. It felt like the universe, and particularly the amazing people in this incredible community, were just waiting for me to finally let them catch me. I lined up counseling, got bloodwork done and met with a maternal fetal medicine specialist to learn what we could do to help potentially have another healthy baby to term. I meditated, did yoga, took morning walks, wrote in my journal and took an anxiety medication approved by my MFM to help with the daily anxiety of a pregnancy after multiple losses. I learned that it is OK to accept help when it feels right.

The day our sixth baby was born we learned it was a boy; he was born to Van Morrison’s “Crazy Love.” Shortly after he was born, he was sent to the NICU for oxygen concerns. My heart sank. I thought I was going to be sick. Thirty minutes later, I was reunited with my healthy baby boy. What a tremendous breath of relief I could finally take.

After an unforgettable storm of perinatal anxiety and consecutive losses, we now have two earthside babies and four babies who forever live in our hearts. I am so very thankful to have been connected to many incredible resources in our community, and even more thankful to have said yes to receiving their help and nurturing. It’s a scary step for many of us to take, but what a gift awaits us once we do.

Resources for Infertility and Loss: Roots Family CollaborativePregnancy and Infant Loss Support Circle, Gardening with Roots and Thoughtful Thursdays on social; Tree of Life Doula CareBereavement Services; Big Sky Fertility and Wellness Fertility and Wellness- Pregnancy after Infertility Support Group; Return to Zero: Hope counselors, massage therapists, psychiatrists, Physical Therapists, OB’s and more which are listed in the Roots Family Collaborative Perinatal Guide.