Ask Flora

In this column, you can ask your questions about parenting kids from ages 2 to 10 to Flora McCormick, Licensed Counselor & Parenting Coach.

WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK

Q: How do you motivate a 13-year-old to willingly get up for school in the morning? It feels like a power struggle but I also know they are growing and tired at that age. – Abby

A: I love this question, and think it would be perfect to directly ask the 13-year-old.

As children reach 9 and 10 years of age, they increasingly want to feel more ownership of their routines and solutions to problems. So, take a moment that is not rushed or stressful to ask your child about this challenging area. A simple neutral lead-in could be something like, “I’ve noticed you’re having a hard time with (insert problem). Tell me about that.” The goal here is to explore and dig into the challenge with the child to uncover some unsolved issues.

It’s often easy to skip this “digging” step because we assume we know why the child isn’t doing better in the situation. We may even make character assumptions like, “He’s just lazy/difficult/moody,” or, “He just doesn’t care about how it affects everyone else.” But when we take the time to ask curious questions and listen, well, we may uncover an unsolved problem that we can help the child solve. Also, we are demonstrating the behaviors we would like to see from our children: The behaviors of listening to what someone else has to say. Basically, if we want them to hear us, we must first be willing to listen. Put more bluntly in Raising Good Humans by Ross Green:

“If you’re not trying hard to ensure (your child’s) concerns are heard, clarified and addressed, eventually your child will stop talking to you. Then you won’t have a problem-solving partner, the problems won’t get solved, and you won’t have much influence.”

The good news is that this discussion has a very high likelihood of being productive because when a child is involved in making a plan, they are much more likely to act on that plan. And finally, I recommend setting a date with the child to follow up on whether or not their plan is working out successfully. Setting a date allows for an easy open door to check back with your kiddo and facilitate another discussion, where he makes new plans until he has landed on something that works.

Q: Is there anything you would recommend for siblings who are constantly at each other’s throats, like severely, and won’t stop pushing each other just for the sake of causing problems no matter how many times they’re told to leave each other alone. – Audrey

A: Sibling rivalry is such a common issue, from ages 2 to 22…and sometimes even beyond! I recommend asking a few key questions to see if these could help you step into a direction of solving the problem.

Do you often seek to find who’s at fault?

Do you find yourself stepping into their conflicts and acting as judge and jury to who started the fight, and who should be punished? If so, I recommend shifting your approach to follow the advice of Positive Discipline: “Put ‘em in the same boat.” Hold all parties accountable equally by asking both children to take some time in separate rooms or removing the toy they are fighting over so no one gets it for the rest of the day. This is important because there was likely something that all parties were contributing to. This also keeps you from the risk of naming the “wrong” person as the guilty party. Finally, you won’t be in danger of having one child start to believe you always favor the other sibling more. This favoritism (even if only perceived) fuels more negative interactions between siblings.

“When adults refuse to get involved in children’s fights or put the children in the same boat by treating them the same for fighting, the biggest motive for fighting is eliminated.” – PositiveDiscipline. com

Do you have family meetings that encourage positive sibling problem-solving and compliments?

This is another recommendation from Positive Discipline. Helpful family meetings can follow this outline:

» A compliment circle where each person is in the spotlight for a period where the other family members all give one compliment. Each family member gets a turn in the spotlight (including parents).

» Solve one family challenge, for example, “We have been having a hard time getting out the door in the mornings without nagging, reminding or things getting forgotten. What can we do to solve that?” Spend five minutes brainstorming ideas where no idea is considered “too silly” or “wrong.” Then, as a family, choose the solution that works best for everyone.

» End with something fun, like ice cream sundaes or a family game night.

FLORA: To get more sanity-saving strategies for parenting young kids, join Flora’s Free Facebook Group: Sustainable Parenting. Questions for the next issue or wins/questions from this issue can be submitted to contactflora@gmail.com. A special thank you to those who submit monthly questions.