4 minute read
Do I Have Postpartum Depression?
WRITTEN BY SUZANNE BENDICK
Do I have postpartum depression? How do I know if have postpartum depression? What does it mean if I have postpartum depression? Will other people know if I have postpartum depression?
I know I can’t be the only one reading this magazine who has typed these questions (or variations of them) into a search bar to then clear the history immediately after. If you too have asked these questions of Google or had them running as a ticker tape inside your brain as you change diapers, or clean bottles, please know you are not alone. In no way is taking a moment to consider your emotional landscape a sign of being a “bad” mom. In fact, it’s most likely a sign that you want to be the best mom you can be for your baby.
When I got pregnant 14 years ago, I was a preschool teacher and spent my days watching birth videos and telling other people how to parent. I definitely felt like I had motherhood all figured out. After my daughter’s birth, my husband went back to work, my mom left after helping for seven days and I was left with my excruciatingly painful cracked nipples. My days were no longer filled with other people’s kids crying and screaming, rather it was me and my tiny baby who filled the house with eardrumsplitting wails (her) and sobs of despair and overwhelm (me). Nothing about it felt settling or normal.
What I know now from my personal experience as the mom of a 13- and 9 -year-old, and working with many mothers over the years is that all mothers everywhere need great care and attention during this stage in life.
When we become pregnant, we begin our initial separation from ourselves as individuals while we grow new life. We will never again be the person we were before (this includes if we get pregnant and experience loss at any stage). We transition through the birth of our little one(s)—an enormous physical act for us as mothers—in all different ways and timelines. We come out the other side, completely new from the inside out.
This “other side” can feel very overwhelming and scary when we don’t know who we are, which is magnified by the fact that we have been entrusted to keep a small human alive. I have learned that when new mothers don’t have space to share their experience (the joys as well as the fears and darkness) of making it through this incredible transition, it most certainly gets tangled in our body as something to contend with all on our own.
And that’s the thing: No mother was meant to be alone, all day every day with an infant. But sadly, based on how most of us live these days, many new moms are spending hours on end each day alone with her infant. So it’s no wonder so many of us are Googling "What if I have postpartum depression?"
For me, motherhood uncovered a bunch of emotions that felt new to me, like the rage that exploded from my body in the night, and the constant buzz of fear that hummed in my early days. Most of the time I could keep them hidden just in case someone might think I was struggling or, God forbid, might have postpartum depression.
Inside, I was being eaten alive by my belief that good moms don’t have postpartum depression, or struggle, or get scared, or have scary thoughts, or yell, etc. But because we are human, we have the ability to experience a full range of emotions each and every day, especially when we’re doing something for the first time.
Good moms feel many different ways. If you are curious about how you are feeling or just not feeling like yourself, no need to rely on Google. Be gentle on yourself and know you are not alone. Support, resources and love for you are just a conversation away. Reach out to a trusted friend, provider or call us at Roots— we’re always on the other end.
Suzanne Bendick is the Executive Director at Roots Family Collaborative. If she’s not listening to a new mother’s story, you can find her breathing in some fresh air in the mountains around town.
