A Guide to Plant Parenthood Gela Palma
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Dedicated to all my beloved plant babies. Past, present, and future.
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Table of Contents Introduction 5 What Kind of Plant Parent are You? 6 Tools 8 Types of Lighting 12 The Struggles of Propagtion 14 Troubleshooting 16 Plant Profiles 18 House Plants 22 Cacti and Succulents 30 Index 40
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Introduction Oh, hey there! Thanks for picking up my book. Now, I expect you will be reading this for one of a few reasons. Maybe you’re new to plants, a Baby Plant Parent, and you’re hoping to learn a thing or two about taking care of these leafy bundles of joy. Perhaps you’ve owned quite a few plants already and you’re seeking some validation in your never-ending struggles. Or maybe, you’ve come here to point and laugh at my book because, let’s be honest, it is a hot mess. Any and all of these reactions are fair, I’ll admit. All I’m here to do at the end of it is entertain you, so if you are laughing AT my book rather than laughing WITH my book, that’s a-okay with me. Here’s the thing, I love plants. And from what I can tell, a whole lot of other people do too. But if we’re being honest, plants can be so fucking hard to take care of. (I’m allowed to swear, this is my book). So, I’ve decided to collect those struggles and put them down here. I’ve added some of my own advice and experience here and there, maybe that will help some of you readers out. Disclaimer though, I am far from being a plant expert, so if my advice leads to a dead plant on your end, WHOOPSIE! The first half of this guide is going to go over some basic stuff. It’s kinda informative, but also kinda, “That shit sucks, right?” The second half is going to be a plant directory of what I have found to be the most common or popular house plants. That part will have some actual useful information in it. Unless it doesn’t. We’ll just have to see. To the person laughing at my book, keep on laughing! If that’s the only thing you get out of reading this, I’ll still be glad (or maybe I’ll cry who knows). To my fellow struggling Plant Parent, let’s revel in our struggles, because being a Plant Parent wouldn’t mean DIRT if it was easy. (insert asshole smile here). And to the baby Plant Parents reading this, welcome to the world of plants! It’s tough, messy, and so, so rewarding.
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The Obsessive One
What Kind of Plant Parent are You? Let’s waste some time before we get to the plant stuff and put some people into boxes! Everyone loves to be labeled right? Actually, some people really do (looking at you Zodiac enthusiasts).Do you not fit into one of these very specific types? Sounds like a you problem. Are you trying to tell me my narrow view of the Plant Parent world isn’t factually accurate?
The Natural
Hey, what kind of plant is that? Oh, you don’t know. Then how have you taken care of it so well?? You seriously wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a pothos and a philodendron and, honestly, that’s fine. Your plants are somehow thriving, even though you’ve never searched a single thing up about them. I just noticed you put a Spider Plant in cactus soil but it’s completely fine. How do you know when to water or repot these? “Just comes to me.”
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You can’t leave a single function without a plant in tow. Legitimately. All of your money is spent on plants and you don’t know how to stop yourself. And don’t think that I can’t see those scissors in your pocket for cutting clippings off plants you can’t buy. What’s it like living in your own personal jungle? I think your ceiling is going to cave in from the amount of hanging plants you have up right now bud.
The Plant Killer
Hey, we all know you’re trying your best. It’s OK that your plants never last more than a week. May I suggest watering them more than once? No, no of course you know that! That one over there just looks a bit . . . dry.
The Educated One
You are the opposite of the Natural, and your plants are doing just as well (maybe even a little better). You know all the names of your plants (common, scientific, and the ones you gave them) and they are on a precise watering schedule. Every type of soil, fertilizer, and tool required for plant parenthood can be found in your possession. Wow, this propagation station is beautiful. And how did you fit a greenhouse in this apartment?
The Casual One It’s possible to be multiple Plant Parent types at once. Maybe you’re an Obsessive Plant Parent and an Educated one! Or an Obsessive Plant Killer, aka a plant serial killer. Get some help.
You don’t like to overthink it. You have a set few plants that you love, you make sure they get the right amount of light, water them regularly, and they reward you by being plants. It’s definitely not boring at all!
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Recommended Tools You may be asking yourself, “Where do I even start?� Well, start with buying yourself a plant. It doesn’t end there though! There are some items required to adequately take care of your plant. Here is a list of tools the first three articles on Google for house plant tools tell you to get.
Watering Can
So, plants kinda need water in order to survive. Watering cans come in many different sizes and materials. You could probably pick on up at the same place you're getting the plants from.
Pruning Shears
Is one of your leaves looking a little sad? Don't just leave that shit on there, it looks bad! Plus, removing the dying parts will help the plant focus its energy on the healthly parts. Pruning shears are designed specifically to cut plants so the plants go through as little trauma as possible when you trim it.
Spade
A spade is a very useful tool for moving plants from planter to planter. News flash, plants GROW and when the grow, they get bigger. Most plants can be repotted every six months, and to make that process easier, use a spade!
Gardening Gloves
Dealing with plants is a messy process. There's a lot of dirt involved, and I've never seen a situation with dirt that ended with a clean floor. Help yourself out, save on some of the mess and hand scrubbing with some gloves.
Moisture Meter
Some plants need to be kept moister than others. I know, terrible. Most of the time, you won't be able to tell how moist your soil is just from sight. The moisture meter keeps track of that for you. That way, you don't have to stress over guess the moist levels of the plant. Ok, I'll try not to say moist again, but no promises.
Plant Mister
Just like moisture levels in plants, humidity levels matter for plants too. More tropical plants get some of their water intake from the humidity in the air. Give your plants a little spritz now and again. 9
Tools You Will Actually Use OK, let’s be real here. You aren’t made of money! You already bought a plant, are you supposed to put more money into this hobby? Well, yes. Realistically you should buy all those things on the previous list for fully thriving plants. But maybe it’s better to buy each of those tools over time. These are fine alternatives. They’re REALISTIC alternatives.
A Glass of Water from Two Days Ago
If you really think about it, watering cans are pretty useless when you have perfectly good cups at home. Plus, the internet says leaving tap water out for a few days lets the chemicals evaporate or something. So, you definitely do it intentionally. Definitely.
Scissors
Who cares if you use one pair of scissors for food preparation, arts and crafts, and trimming your plants! It’s not like anyone knows that.
An Old Spoon
Let’s call a spade a spade, aka a dumb tool. You have plenty of old silverware from your grandma, put it to good use! Just make sure to wash it off a bit before you use it for your cereal.
Your Hands
Trying to stay clean is for wimps. A REAL PLANT PARENT gets down and dirty with it! Sure, you’ll have dirt stuck under your fingernails for days, but you’ll save a couple bucks.
Dollar Store Spray Bottle
This is stretching it a bit; I’d be impressed if you really did buy anything to mist your plants with. Maybe after a year of collecting plants, you’ll work up the motivation to get a spray bottle, give those plants some extra love! Trust me when I tell you, those $20 plant misters spray exactly the same as a spray bottle from the dollar store. I have no good alternative for the moisture meter. That thing was just weird. Maybe just stick your finger in the soil and check. Your fingers are dirty enough already. 10
Types of Lighting Why must the sun work the way it does? Why can’t it always be positioned in a way so all our plants get the perfect amount of light? Here’s the thing, you can spend all your time looking at the intricacies of lights for your plants and strategically move them to get the best light possible, or you can just shove them all in the window and hope for the best. My truth is that once summer hits, all my plants get put on my front porch for MAXIUM SUN EXPOSURE and they’re all doing pretty good. But if you find that does not work for you, here’s some basic lighting info. For reference, south facing windows will give you the strongest source of sunlight. Sucks to be you if you don’t have a south facing window. Just kidding, your next best option would be a west facing window. Just look around your home and find the window that seems to get the sun light for the longest period and go with that one.
Direct Light
This is basically the equivalent to placing a plant right outside. You can also get this light by placing a plant right at a south facing window for the strongest amount of sunlight. Pay attention, I said this already.
Bright Light
What’s the difference between direct and bright light? Not much. Possibly just a windowpane or a west facing window.
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Medium Light
This kind of light is cast from an east facing window or is just light that isn’t very strong but still, like, present. I don’t know, it’s called medium light you figure it out.
Low Light
This would be a shady spot in your room. Some plants actually really don’t like light, which seems to go against the main three principles of plants needing sunlight, water, and love. But when you have a lot of love to give, who needs sunlight.
Artificial Lighting
When that seasonal depression hits in the winter, you know its time to break out the grow lights. These come in several different forms, whether it’s a grow lamp or a sun lamp, they’ll get the job done. They are also very useful for people with limited window availability.
I hope you like the symbols for each type of light because they’ll be coming back in the second half of this book. If you don’t like them you can tell me, I swear I won’t get upset. . . . Well, maybe a little.
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The Struggles of Propagation At some point every plant parent has that fleeting thought that they may try their hand at propagation. My advice: not worth it. Though, that might be because I’m not very good at it. What’s that you say? Why is someone who isn’t good at propagation trying to teach about it? It’s my book, remember? I can do what I want.
Seeds
Just plant a garden why don’t cha. Where’d you even get those seeds? Most houseplants don’t drop seeds? What the fuck?
Leaf Cuttings
The simplest way of propagating. What you need to keep in mind is that most of the plants you’ll propagate this way will need to have some root nodes on them in order to create roots when seperated from the mother plant. Find the section of the plant you want to propagate and cut it above an established leaf (this encourages the plant to put more leaves out in that exact place). Then you can do 1 of 2 methods: place the cutting directly into some dirt or place it into a glass of water. As long as you keep the soil moist, both methods will encourage root growth. Most Plant Parents buy overpriced glass propagation stations to be just that little bit extra.
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Pups
Sometimes a mommy plant will spontaneously grow some baby plants off of main root. You’re going to violently and ruthlessly cut these babies off of their mother like some kind of serial killer. The easiest way is to do this when you’re moving the mother plant to a new pot. Brush off as much soil as you can and then locate the root connecting the pup to the mother plant. Use pruning shears (or some scissors, you already know how this goes) and cut through the root. Plant the mother and pup separately and never let them see each other ever again. Ignore the soft crying.
Leaf Removal
Unlike houseplants, succulents don’t need an established root node to be propagated off of. That doesn’t mean they’re any fucking easier to propagate though. Take a succulent, pick off a couple lower leaves that look healthy and lay them out to dry. They wont grow roots until they’ve been given time to callous over (they’re bitchy like that). Leave them out for a few days and then lay them on some soil. Water slightly more often than you normally would with a succulent to encourage root growth. Hope for the best. Result in MAYBE 2 or 3 rooting. Then possibly only one of those creating new leaves. In 2 years, you might have a small succulent, congrats. There are way more methods of propagation, but I don’t understand them because I’m a simpleton. Also, some plants straight up have no simple way of propagation so I wouldn’t even bother. I mean, YOU could bother, but I definitely am not.
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Troubleshooting Even if you aren’t a Plant Killer type of Plant Parent, you are going to experience the pure fear of a plant that’s starting to look just a little fucked up at some point. You might be able to save it! But you might also make it worse. Here’s a quick guide to give you just a bit of hope in saving your suffering plant.
Yellowing Leaves
Could be too much light, too much water, too little water, a whole mess of things. Goodluck figuring that one out.
Dried Out Leaves
Gonna be too much light, not enough water, or a mix of both. I think this is one of the easier issues to fix. I’d rather have an underwatered plant than an overwatered on any day.
Shriveled Up Leaves
This is for succulents, FYI. Shriveled, shrunken leaves mean you underwatered your succulent. A shriveled-up cac tus means the same thing. I know succulents and cacti don’t need as much water, but you still gotta water them, dude.
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Mushy Leaves
The other succulent one. A mushy leaf is a sign of overwatering in a succulent. It’ll be lighter in color and real sad looking. Put that shit in as much sun as possible and do not water it for as long as you can.
Leggy
Saying “leggy” is a funnier way of saying your plant is stretching. For succulents, this means they need more sunlight. For some houseplants, they might need to be “pinched back” to encourage the plant to grow bushier. You can use some scissors, or your gross fingers, and remove part of a plant right above a leaf separation. Two more sections should grow back.
Wilting Leaves
See: yellowing leaves. I’m not typing that twice; it would just be redundant.
Icky Smell from the Roots
Root rot. You can also tell if you have root rot if the plant’s roots are brown. OOF, good luck. Honestly, I have no clue how to save from root rot, unless you find some roots that are still white. Remove all the brown roots and replant the white ones and you might be good. Might.
Well that probably wasn’t very helpful at all. Sorry bud, RIP to your plant.
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Plant
Profi
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Plant Profiles
Congratulations! You’ve made it to the second half of the book, thanks for sticking with me. This is a plant directory with information on twenty-four plants that I found to be the most common, the most popular, and the most I wanted to write about them. I know, I know, twenty-four is not a ton of plants. Cut me some slack, I had to draw all of these and trying to draw every variation of peperomia was not sounding like a great time to me. And NO, they aren’t in color, stop bitching! You can look up the real ones yourself. Don’t be lazy, like I am. Remember all those lighting symbols I told you would come back? They came back! Along with some other very useful symbols to help you learn more about each plant. I’ll try to be more serious in this section, but, remember, I never keep my promises.
Direct Light
Bright Light
Medium Light
Low Light more detail on lighting types on pages 12,13
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Heavy Watering keep soil mostly moist
Medium Watering wait for soil to dry out between waterings
Light Watering let soil dry out FULLY and wait a few days before watering, the rule of thumb is to water once a week to a week and a half
Extremely Light Watering about once a month or less during the winter months
Beginner Friendly
Medium Difficulty
Toxic to Pets
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Part One:
House Plants A collection of basic bitches and beginner plants, with some top tier house plants mixed in for fun.
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Silver Vase Plant
Iron Cross
This plant has greyish-silvery bands covering its long green leaves. Its flower ranges from being a light pink to a vibrant pink. Flowers during late summer to early winter.
Large, bright green leaves with a distinctive cross-like pattern on each leaf. A source I read said the flowers are “insignificant” which is hilarious to me. They’re a really fun texture, feels like an old woman in the form of a plant.
aechmea fasciata
Care Tips: Keep roots moist. Might like some misting in the warm months.
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begonia masoniana
Care Tips: Likes high humidity so misting isn’t a bad idea. If you feel like it. Easily propagated by leaf cuttings.
Eternal Flame calathea crocata
This plant is honestly so beautiful and I want one immediately. If you look the real thing up you’ll want one too. Large, rippled leaves that are deep green on one side and deep purple on the other. Its flowers are bright orange. Care Tips: Calatheas are as beautiful as they are demanding, make sure to keep them warm and in high humidity. .
Spider Plant chlorophytum comosum
A classic plant that can be put through anything. Great for beginners. Long, thin leaves that cascade from the center of the plant. Leaves are white with light green lines. Care Tips: Propagation is very easy because the mother plant puts off pups above the soil.
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Garden Croton codiaeum variegatum
Base leaf is green, but the veins can range from bright red to bright yellow. Really fucking cool looking. Care Tips: Requires high humidity. The better light it gets the brighter the colors on the leaves will appear. Propagation can be done through cuttings.
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Lucky Bamboo dracaena sanderiana
Contrary to its own name, Lucky Bamboo is not real bamboo. You’ve been fed lies. Aren’t you glad you have me to look out for you? Thin, light green stalks that are often twisted around each other to make the plant look cooler. Care Tips: Usually planted in standing water rather than in soil. Stand the bamboo stalks in an empty planter with some decorative rocks and fill with water. Replace the water once a week.
Rubber Tree
Swiss Cheese Plant
Thick, glossy leaves with red undertones. And this one isn’t a like the Lucky Bamboo, the full-grown Rubber Tree is a species of plant that rubber is made out of. At least, at some point it was.
The holy grail of house plants. At least, it seems like it to me. This plant gets quite larges. Its leaves develop distinctive incisions and holes as it grows.
ficus elastica
Care Tips: The leaves can get dusty over time, wipe them down every once in a while. Be wary of overwatering and moving the plant around too much.
monstera deliciosa
Care Tips: Likes the freedom to climb, so make sure to give it plenty of support to do so. You can find specific poles for this online. This plant grows aerial roots that need to be pushed into the soil once they start growing.
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Silver Ripple
Heart Leaf
The leaves are thick and grooved, which make them really fun to touch. Their flowers are long and pointy, usually white in color. Peperomia’s in general are not that difficult to take care of, so I recommend picking one up.
Heart shaped leaves that form into a vine. Colors can range from yellow-green to dark green. Ideal for hanging planters or can be grown as a climber plant.
peperomia caperta
Care Tips: This is gonna sound weird, but peperomia’s like to be root bound. This means they don’t need to repotted very often. You could leave them in the same pot for well over a year or more. Be cautious of overwatering.
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philodendron scandens
Care Tips: Very easy to propagate from cuttings. This is the type of plant you’d see in fancy propagation glasses, but you can just stick it into the soil to be honest.
Chinese Money Plant pilea peperomiodies
Bright green, circular leaves that all spring from a central stalk. Perfect for kissing. Care Tips: Propagation by cutting pups off mother plant. Put off new leaves constantly, so older leaves die off faster than you may expect, don’t worry about it.
Snake Plant sansevieria trifasciata
Tall, tough leaves that are deep green with yellow accents. (This plant is technically a succulent, but I needed the two sections to be balanced. Don’t sue me). Care Tips: Doesn’t need to be repotted very often, likes to be pot bound. Slow growing so be patient with them.
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Part Two:
Cacti E Succulents Spikey, pointy, stabby, and, sometimes, fuzzy. These guys like to soak up the sun but DO NOT like hydration. Don’t take from their example.
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Aloe Vera
Rat Tail Cactus
Long, sharp leaves. Kinda squishy cuz of all the gel on the inside. Theoretically, you could cut open a leaf and spread it’s insides on your sun burn, but then you’d end up with a messed up looking aloe.
I desperately searched for a different common name for this cactus, but I couldn’t find one. Rat Tail Cactus is so unappealing for such a cute cactus. The stems of this cactus are long and draping and look great in a hanging planter. Flowers are bright pink and pop up in the spring.
aloe vera
Care Tips: Propagation by removal of pups. Likes its air dry. Don’t squish the leaves too hard or you’ll poke through them.
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aporocactus flagelliformis
Care Tips: Once the flower buds start to pop up, avoid moving the cactus at all so the buds won’t droop.
Hairy Cereus cereus azureus
Jade Plant crassula ovata
Straight stalks that lean more blueish than green. Its spines are long and PAINFUL. But it’s a cute, picture perfect cactus besides that.
Thick, glossy leaves that look like paddles. As it grows bigger, it will develop a trunk-like look at its base and looks like a funky little tree.
Care Tips: When repotting, wrap in several layers of paper towel, or a thick cloth to make transferring easier. You can use this method for most cacti. .
Care Tips: A very resilient plant, it bounces back from poor care quickly. Propagation by leaf removal.
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Mexican Gem echeveria elegans
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Hedgehog Cactus echinopsis
The most classic succulent! The plant grows in a rosette form and are light blue, but there are numerous variations that come in a range of colors.
A spherical cactus with hard spines. A simple, cute, cactus. They all do start to look the same after awhile.
Care Tips: Watch out for legginess, nothing is sadder than when a succulent starts to stretch out. Keep an eye on shriveling leaves for signs of when to water.
Care Tips: These guys can flower in mid-summer when they get more direct sun.
Chin Cactus gymnocalycium nova
This cactus is really funky looking, kinda like a brain with terrifying long spikes. Care Tips: It’s a cactus, take care of it like a cactus. Wish I could say more about this little guy but cacti are pretty straight forward!
Window Succulent haworthia retusa
Very thick, hard leaves that almost look clear on top. Light green in color. This succulent will put off flower spikes in the summer that can grow to be super long. It looks pretty funny. Care Tips: If you try to squish the leaves and they give a little bit, that a sign they need to be watered.
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Living Stone Plant Bunny Ear Cactus lithops pseudotruncatella
True to its name, this plant looks like a bunch of rocks. Or, funny little brains. Or, ogre toes. On a yearly basis, lithops will split and shed their old leaves to reveal two more leaves that have grown inside. Care Tips: DO NOT WATER once the plant starts to split. This helps the old leaves die off quicker. Can stretch out if it doesn’t get enough sunlight
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opuntia microdasys
This cactus has paddle-like segments that give it a unique look. The spines are short and can easily irritate the skin. Care Tips: This plant needs different watering schedules for different times of the year. Keep soil on the moister side during the summer, and barely water during the winter
Burro's Tail
String of Pearls
Long bundles of short leaves. Will dangle out of whatever you plant it in. Typical light blue succulent color.
String of Pearls is the prettier name, you can also call this one a String of Peas. A succulent that has long stems with little balls that grow on it. A very pretty dainty plant or a plant you compulsively want to squish. Please do not squish.
sedum morganianum
Care Tips: Same as a regular succulent, this one just dangles.
senecio rowleyanus
Care Tips: When the stems of this plant grow really long, transfer to a new pot and lay all the stems flat on the soil so they can grow roots and continue to grow larger.
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Index Cactus 31 aporocactus flagelliformis 32 Bunny Ear Cactus 36 cereus azureus 33 Chin Cactus 35 echinopsis 34 gymnocalycium nova 35 Hairy Cereus 33 Hedgehog Cactus 34 opuntia microdasys 36 Rat Tail Cactus 32
Lucky Bamboo 26 monstera deliciosa 27 Rubber Tree 27 peperomia caperta 28 philodendron scandens 28 pilea peperomiodies 29 Silver Ripple 28 Silver Vase Plant 24 Spider Plant 25 Swiss Cheese Plant 27 Lighting 12,13
Houseplants 23 aechmea fasciata 24 begonia masoniana 24 calathea crocata 25 Chinese Money Plant 29 chlorophytum comosum 25 codiaeum variegatum 26 dracaena sanderiana 26 Eternal Flame 25 ficus elastica 27 Garden Croton 26 Heart Leaf 28 Iron Cross Begonia 24
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Propagation 14,15 Succulents 31 aloe vera 32 Burro’s Tail 37 crassula ovata 33 echeveria elegans 34 haworthia retusa 35 Jade Plant 33 lithops pseudotruncatella 36 Living Stone Plant 36
Mexican Gem 34 sansevieria trifasciata 29 sedum morganianum 37 senecio rowleyanus 37 Snake Plant 29 String of Pearls 37 Window Succulent 35
Tools 9,10 Troubleshooting 16,17 Watering 20,21
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References Houseplantexpert.com Joyusgarden.com Davesgarden.com
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Atkinson, Caitlin. Plant Craft: 30 Projects That Add Natural Style to Your Home. Portland, OR: Timber Press, 2016. McHoy, Peter. The Complete Houseplant Book: The Essential Guide to Successful Indoor Gardening. New York, NY: SMITHMARK Publishers Inc., 1995.
About the Author and Illustrator Angela “Gela” (pronounced GEE-lah) Palma is an illustrator from somewhere in Pennsylvania. Sometimes she’s from Pittsburgh, and sometimes she’s from Philadelphia, but she is never from Harrisburg. In her first year in college at Moore College of Art & Design, Palma was enchanted by small living stone plant and has fallen madly in love with the world of house plants ever since. Besides drawing lots and lots of plants, Palma loves children’s illustration and exploring how to push her art in terms of form, color, and charm. 43
Tha
nks for Re
! g n i d a 44
