Poems of Neil Michelsen Volume Nineteen

f Selected Poems of Neil Michelsen

Volume 19

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f Dedication To my family

2017

Neil Michelsen

1960

2013

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f Preface My mother died in 1960 at age 44 when I just turned 17. That was the year I began writing with my first poem being about her death.

I started out writing traditional style poetry with rhyme, meter and strict structure but then settled on a freer style having meter but less rigid rhyming and structure that often inhibits its message and flow.

Between 1960 and 2016 I’ve written over 1,700 poems compiled into 18 volumes. There was however, an approximate 25 year gap in my writing between the early 1970s and late 1990s when I was in my bachelor years and working on my career in New York City, living in Brazil, travelling, getting married and starting a family and then working 7 ½ years self-renovating our 1894 home in Connecticut.

This volume of 102 poems is presented in chronological order representing about 5% of the total poems and were selected based on their poetic style, subject matter and personal meaning to me. There’s a story or theme behind each poem which is partially captured in the head notes. Many poems reflect the sensitivities and emotions of the moment and can be quite personal and introspective. Many are about the misfortunes of life and a bit heavy which is somewhat reflective of my nature, personality and writing style.

Poems written after 2016 can be found in subsequent volumes.

If any offense is taken with anything I’ve written I apologize as it was unintended. Also, since these poems were not professionally edited, I apologize for any deficiencies in poetic form and for any grammatical, typographical or spelling errors.

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f Table of Contents No. Title Preface 1. Mom’s In A Cold, Cold Grave 2. The Morn 3. My Tempest 4. In A Park, Watching And Listening 5. The Crooked Fingers Of A Winter Tree 6. Only Thinking Makes It So 7. Oversensitivity 8. The Barren Trees Obey 9. Contemplation On A Recent Death 10. Dawn Breaks Away From Night 11. What’s The Use? − Mother Is Gone 12. A Little Star At Night 13. To A Lovely Day 14. To A Winter Weed 15. Ode To An Orange Vesper View 16. My Grandfather’s Death 17. On Night And The Whispered Words Of Love 18. As Sorrow Has Decreed 19. A Seducing Dusk 20. When She Began To Play 21. And It All Began From There 22. As Beautiful As Your Eyes Held The Moon 23. A Heavy Winter Sea 24. When Others Were With Their Friends 25. Looking Up 26. A Cold Rainy Windy Night 27. This Yellow Sky At Dusk 28. Hearing Silent Things 29. China Dawn 30. Moonlight By The Bed 31. Edge Walker 32. My Father’s Aging 33. The Memory Of A Cold Winter’s Night

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Mother’s Day I Love My Boy And Girl – Equally I Didn’t Hold Him So Convincingly Headlights On The Snow All These Things I Dreamed Fluff Up My Pillow Oh Wine, You Are My Best Friend I Heard Him Crying Down The Hall In Their Brown And Gold Picture Frames To Her - To Him A Song That Everybody Sings My Father’s Sweater Questions, Questions Come To My Bedside Keep Your Jewels Safely In Their Graves He Also Said Goodbye Neon Sunrise Taking Down The Swings They’ll Never Find My Tank On Empty Here I Am But Here I’m Not You Could Have Gone On By Moonlight On A Field Of Snow A Chair Still Empty It Was The Only Thing That Needed Him You Have The Full Affection Of My Heart I Was Never Of This World If Only You And I That Last Good-Bye Look And Touch Has He Ever? As Much As I? I Only Fix The Walls Have I Come Home Too Late?

12 Feet Mark The Entire Range Of Our Existence Slowly Driving Past Your House What Took You So Long?

Then Please Don’t Bury Me At All I Really Used To Be Somebody Will You Go Out With Me Tonight?

When The Snow Came I Found Myself Alone I Want To See You Cry Ballrooms, Palaces And Cinderella Loves Where The Snow Would Never Melt On Me

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I Live For New Beginnings Children And Old Men Quiet Morn Oh Mother Dear, Why Did You Leave Us? Help Is On The Way Car Talks Don’t Mourn For Me The Smell Of Pain In The Air Tonight I’ll Have To Tell Him He Called Me His Little Mountain Flower Taking The Long Way Home Will The Stars All Fall Down On Me? Going Out The Same Way He Came In A Moon At 3 AM Your Hand Now Holding Mine That New Year’s Eve Call “Can You Get It?” A Little Companion Star I Kiss Her Goodnight Anyway Don’t You Ever Say That I Don’t Love You Every Flower Will Hold Her Face Holiday Love It’s The Only Thing I Have Left Of Him The Gang’s Not All Here Oh Boatman, Please Let Me Off Here The Smell Of Death But Tomorrow Never Comes *****

145 147 148 150 154 156 158 159 160 163 164 166 168 170 172 174 177 180 181 184 185 187 191 192 194 201 202

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Selected Poems of Neil Michelsen

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Mom’s In A Cold, Cold Grave (To My Father) 8-1-1960 My mother’s early death was hard on the family but especially hard on my father. ______ 1.

Oh God, please tell me why You took the sun down from his sky For I cannot bear to see my father there In his early and undeserved despair?

Mom’s in a cold, cold grave.

2.

He lived his life with her for 22 years But now what’s left for him is only sorrow and tears.

Oh God, oh God, please help this man In any way You can!

Mom’s in a cold, cold grave.

3.

When he plays the piano his music is drained of any hope For only broken dreams remain for him with which to cope.

As he runs his fingers across the keys He stares out blankly at what I can only guess he sees.

Mom’s in a cold, cold grave.

1

4.

He turns to me, with his teary eyes downcast And says, “I now only live in the past And for me there’s no longer any dawn For my life’s all through, now that your mother’s gone.”

Mom’s in a cold, cold grave.

5.

He visits the gravesite of her final rest − A cold and dreary place where he stands with sunken chest − A place where the clouds hang low and the trees are bare And gruesome gray shadows are everywhere.

Mom’s in a cold, cold grave.

6.

There he stands with his shoulders stooped and his head hung low Where his tears turn cold as the icy winds blow And bite and chill him to the bone And tell him that this is now her new home.

Mom’s in a cold, cold grave.

7.

And as he looks up at the dim lit sky He asks God just one question, “Why, Why God, couldn’t You have just let things be And not taken this dearest one from me?”

Mom’s in a cold, cold grave. *****

2

y The Morn 11-5-1960 Morning is the best time for hope. _____ With every soft approach of Morn A light veneer of hope is then imbued in me That kindly moves: To lighten up my living burdens and abort the yet unborn; To help me avert the things that I so much do scorn; To strip away the heavy thoughts that I’ve so often worn And move me towards happier ones with a soul reborn; And to help me heal myself whenever I am hurt and torn.

Oh, what better messenger of hopeful things than here at Dawn?

And what better time for Hope to appear in virgin blossom born − And when my mind can best pursue Or ask for her to fill an empty heart − Than at the advent of the Morn? *****

3

y My Tempest 11-9-1962 Like the storm outside is the storm in my head. _____ 1.

My eyes, burdened by their weariness Grow heavy and near to sleep.

And my thoughts, blurred, incoherent and deeply stressed Make any stable thought impossible to keep.

2.

Sitting here, in the deepest hole of this black night I can only hear the ticking of my clock.

But then arrives the wind’s unruly and gusty flights That against my quiet thoughts rudely begin to curse and mock.

3.

And with the wind the rain begins First with light, then hard pelting sounds against my window pane Growing ever more frenzied in their efforts to get in But they won’t succeed no matter how hard they strain.

4.

And the long, black and impoverished fingers of the trees That silhouette themselves against the dull gray winter sky Look like the claws of suffering animals that Torture levies Upon them, to maximize their pain until they finally die.

4

5.

Oh how those barren branches sway, roll, bend and twist All taunted and bullied, hour by hour, by the howling wind.

And how the windows rattle in fear of this unforgiving Tempest Like the one that’s in my head that also seems will never rescind. *****

5

y In A Park, Watching And Listening 11-25-1962 Impressions at night in Vanderveer Park, a small one-block park on Avenue I in Brooklyn. _____ Sitting in this little park tonight I’m noticing − As if for the first time in my life − How differently all things look and sound at night: How the darkness seems to have no bounds; How the heavy wrap of night softens even the sharpest sounds; How the muted echoes from afar, strangely seem so near; And how even common things seem so very dear.

Oh how differently all things look and sound at night. *****

6

y The Crooked Fingers Of A Winter Tree 11-25-1962 Contemplating on the maple tree that was in front of our family’s house in Brooklyn. _____ As I sit on the porch in the cold, cold chill of night I watch the gnarled and crooked arms and fingers of a winter tree Eerily reaching into the sky of freezing ambient light With a purpose not to question anything, but only just to be. *****

7

y Only Thinking Makes It So 12-10-1962 Right and wrong exist only in the mind.

(This title comes from a line in Shakespeare’s “Hamlet.”) _____ “What is right?

And what is wrong?”

These are the questions we forever tow.

But only in our conscious and troubled minds Can such questions be born and grow For nothing’s either right or wrong − As only thinking makes it so. *****

8

y Oversensitivity 12-18-1962 I often feel I’m too sensitive about life compared to others.

(Written on the front porch of our family house in Brooklyn where I did a lot of my thinking and writing.) _____ 1.

There are many times when I become convinced That my nature’s very different From those who are of a bolder and more hardened race And on whose heels I follow at an envious and awkward pace.

2.

Compared to others a painful contrast lies Which can be seen by merely looking into my eyes Which will reveal a constant oversensitivity To things that others take in stride and not as I, so heavily.

3.

Is it just my imagination wild at play?

Or is my sensitivity all too real? It’s often hard to say.

But whatever it is, or its cause It feeds me with the symptoms of this painful flaw − And sometimes debilitating − Oversensitivity. *****

9

y The Barren Trees Obey 1-12-1963 Observations from our front porch in Brooklyn.

I was always poetically captivated by winter, rain and trees. _____ 1.

The Winter Wind blows her blustering call On a scene, where all else of Life has taken refuge Except for the barren and obedient trees That still stand there so courageous and tall.

2.

Icy pellets of Rain are hurled About, some dropping to the ground While others catch themselves on the underside of branches And hang precariously, boldly facing and defying the world.

3.

The black streets are mirrored sheens Collecting and reflecting all the shimmering moods Of my lost and painful dreams.

4.

Bushes, hedges, shrubs and all Stand shivering in the freezing Rain Stiffening more with every Wind-blown gusty call.

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5.

Rows of houses stand in dark-drenched endless lines − A gloomy and unpleasant scene to most, but to me They give me an introspective kind of awe That I can’t fully explain, understand, or define.

6.

And the bowed black wires that stretch along the street With shiny little transparent Raindrops of light Hanging off them, make them look Like a string of pearls sparkling and beautifully petite. ~ Oh the curious beauty and icy agony Of this cold and rainy Winter Night. *****

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y Contemplation On A Recent Death (Conscience) 2-12-1963 Thoughts about conscience prompted by a recent death. _____ 1.

I contemplated on a recent Death: The stiffness of the body’s form, The absence of what was once alive and warm, And the life that had preceded its final breath.

2.

I also thought about the conscious mind That was inside of him and used to be alive And how it probably had to fight its opposing unconscious mind For the direction and the strength that it needed to survive.

3.

A sensitive and thinking man is the man who toils Over what is right and wrong and what is good and bad And also over what should make him happy or make him sad.

Oh how the snake of conscience so often chokes us in its coils.

4.

The possibility of God and judgment creates a fear − The fear of consequences − Which in turn creates our consciences That keep us to the rules out of guilt and fear.

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5.

Intelligence demands responsibility And conscience welds the two.

Conscience also makes us balance Passion, duty and ability.

6.

The base and ignorant however, are not so plagued and frightened And go on blissfully free of conscience and all its breeding woes That keep the rest of us so tightly in tow.

It’s conscience that keeps us up at night And sets upon us all the restless demons that we know. *****

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y Dawn Breaks Away From Night 6-3-1963 Continuous escape and recapture. _____ 1.

With the advent of the Dawn The Day finally breaks away from Night And bursts its sudden glow Upon the waiting world.

Once again, it had escaped from that ebony Charlatan of Night Who held her captive, as well as the whole world too, In its sleep of paralyzing darkness.

2.

But never can that lovely Day Enjoy her freedom to any great degree For Night begins to stalk her from the very moment she is free So, by the time Dusk arrives, she’s so exhausted that she Doesn’t have the strength anymore to flee.

And so, once again, she becomes the hostage prisoner of Night.

Oh sorry is the plight Of Day, to be always stalked by Night, so incessantly. *****

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What’s The Use? − Mother Is Gone (On My Mother) 7-12-1963 Remembering Mom and missing her. _____ 1.

I came upon a little paper fragment On which my poor dead mother had once wrote.

And while looking at that simple script I saw much more than what was written on it.

I saw disquieting images from the Past unpent Themselves, and stand before me wearing Sorrow’s heavy cloak.

2.

I used to see her sitting at the kitchen table praying – Praying the rosary as she did each day − Praying for indulgences from Above For all her children and all the family who she so dearly loved.

My mind went back in time that day − Back to when I was all too young and self-indulged To fully appreciate everything she was.

3.

But what’s the use to dwell on her memory and this sad affair For she’s gone away forever to some vast Abyss somewhere − Gone away forever from me her eldest and now empty son − Lost to me forever − this precious only one. *****

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y A Little Star At Night 8-4-1963 Providing inspirational comfort to us as best she can.

(Written in a New York City bar after attending a free chamber music concert in Washington Square Park.) _____ 1.

The dark and quiet night holds firm A faint and glimmering star in distant set.

Way up there it holds a vantage point To help it understand and best discern Our struggling world and extend to us Both its sympathy and regrets.

2.

Oh how often that little star Has received our upturned faces That beg for help of any kind However small or brief.

And how often has she kindly given us comfort With just her pin-point beacon of light That she always keeps lit for us.

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3.

Unfortunately though Nature has given her limits Which only allows her To be our faithful little muse To whom we can only lift our swollen eyes And glean some starving hope That will afford us some heavenly relief From all our earthly woes and abuse.

4.

So as I gaze upon this little star In a sea of a trillion miles Of mute-black empty space tonight I thank her for her kind and loyal support In just being there for us On so many of our lonely, lonely nights. *****

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y To A Lovely Day 1-2-1964 What a fresh winter breeze can do to my spirits. _____ 1.

The wind is up today.

It’s a lovely wind that’s strong and swift in pace And a constant one with a snappy and refreshing race.

The wind is brisk today.

2.

The air is crisp today.

It’s fresh and clean and blows in icy sheets − Winter-fresh and clear and winter-fast and fleet.

The breeze is bold today.

3.

The sky is clear today.

And all the clouds are sailing ships with billowy sails of white Flying across a vast blue lake of winter light.

The sky is fair today.

4.

My soul is free today And riding on the currents of the breeze − Riding high above my daily worries.

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5.

My soul is so alive today Breathing in the freshest air That I have ever breathed On any other day.

My soul is so alive today. *****

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y To A Winter Weed 1-7-1964 On the stamina of a small winter weed. _____ 1.

You are nothing but a weak and tiny winter weed − Nothing but a dried up, brown and hollow stalk.

So how is it then That you can endure this ice-cold night?

How indeed?

2.

How is it that you can bear To have your hollow columned walls Fill up with freezing winds that ought To kill you with their icy gall?

3.

How can you stand The freezing cold night air?

How can you survive just as you are So naked, hollow and bare With only your thin layer of crusty skin?

What special strength Has Fate provided you within?

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4.

And when you see a dim-lit star A million miles above from where you are You must feel the truest sense of distance and despair.

5.

Oh winter weed, how is it that you can bear Without complaint Your freezing fate and lonely fare From where you are Way down there? *****

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y Ode To An Orange Vesper View 1-10-1964 On a sunset viewed from my bedroom window in Brooklyn. _____ 1.

I see from outside my window, the evening Dusk’s dim haze Born of the fire of a dying Sun That has made the evening sky a sheet of orange blaze Ending what the Morning had begun.

Its colors, as it sinks behind the earth Glow like the embers in some mythical celestial hearth − The glow of a heavy orange hue − An Orange Vesper view.

2.

That sinking ball of fire, after taking in its final breath Fills the sky with the color of its last exhale − The radiant shades of its fiery death − The flame-like dye of its textured Vesper veil.

And marked so bold against its gasping orange hue Before it’s finally doused Are the swarthy tree trunks and their heavy boughs That are branded on the waning ocher sky All stretched out and reaching high.

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3.

This evening sky is like a placid lake of liquid light With leagues of deep and mellow tones Whose somber depths of color gradually fade from sight As you slowly raise your eyes And gaze into that upper, empty, and colorless zone.

But the remnant colors that still remain before they die Are layered like prism bands And painted on the dusky sky in their signature brands Of subtle colors reserved especially for this special Autumn eve Just before they whisper their last good-byes And take their final leave.

4.

That slowly fading orange-colored ball Swelling and becoming more and more opaque Has sunken now to just above the treetops, at a height That just touches the borders of that increasingly blurry break − That line of demarcation that separates Day from Night − Where the vault of gray and bluish colors blend Into ever-deepening and darker shades as Night descends To end that orange furnace brew And to finally douse that Orange Vesper view.

5.

And when I look a little higher above the southwest winter trees I see the dim and icy jewel of Venus As a clear and silent bell, tolling the death of Light that now leaves This sky and will slowly slip into a dark and eerie genus.

The evening, no longer excited by the Sun’s former orange fire, Is losing all its color, making everything look so cold and dire And leaving only a hint of that former huge orange ball of heat − That Vesper-remnant of the Sun’s retreat.

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6.

Now the chilly cold of evening’s reign begins Where orange has resolved itself into tones of blue and gray Making all the evening colors ever more obscure.

Soon the stars, like tiny diamond pins Of light, begin to emerge and assemble for their nightly tour And that lovely glowing Orange Vesper hue Has all but been replaced by a cold and sable view For the Sun has gone and fully set and will only return With tomorrow’s morning dew.

7.

Throughout my life I’ll never forget The orange color of that evening Sun’s last and final breath That I witnessed from my bedroom pew − That lovely Orange Vesper hue − That last and soulful Orange Vesper view. *****

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y

My Grandfather’s Death (On Grandpa Hackett) 5-12-1964 I took leave from the Navy to attend the funeral of my kind, softspoken, maternal grandfather, John F. Hackett, Sr., at St. Vincent Ferrer’s Church in Brooklyn where I attended grammar school. _____ 1.

The prayers and bells of Death much sorrow bring And the rhythmic Latin chants of the priests evoke In me, the darkest feelings I have ever known Rising up to meet the soul I now bemoan.

No sadder sorrows or emotions in me have ever been awoke Than when those doleful priestly chants were sung And the heavy church bells did loudly start to ring.

2.

Oh, how those death-songs plummet my heart and soul into grief And how the black-garbed choir voices so deep in me do resonate.

How easily they rise up, these choking sorrows Inside of me, bringing with them all their latent woes.

And how those mournful waves of lamentations plait Themselves around my heart in ever-tightening weaves.

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3.

Although enough sadness had already pervaded the church When I saw those six pall bearers assemble around the casket’s place More hidden vaults within me were wrenched wide open Allowing even greater and deeper sorrows to irrupt − And even more so, when I looked into his death-mask ashen face.

4.

Oh Sorrow and Despair, how you make my bankrupt heart race With pain, and show me not an ounce of pity As you tauntingly parade yourselves before me.

Farewell, Grandpa, and may you find that restful promised place That for all your life you believed existed somewhere in eternity. *****

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y On Night And The Whispered Words Of Love 5-31-1964 A sprawling poem inspired by an affair I had at age 16 with a 34 year old married woman. _____ 1.

How so much alike our minds both seem With feelings that are sensitive and bursting Yet hesitant to speak − Feelings that can’t fully be expressed in words For words are so feeble in their weight And hardly representative of our inner moods.

Oh, words − Those bungling and inept messengers of love − What injustice to a tender thought they do And how poorly they display Anything at all to do with passion − But they keep trying Only to succeed in making martyrs of themselves.

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2.

So now So close upon the dawn I sit with pen in hand Trying to organize my thoughts And put them into words.

But words are merely shells Surrounding inner truths and feelings And through them And through my own inadequate attempts I hope that you can break them open And see the source and heart of my deepest moods As well as the thorns of Sorrow that stick in me.

I also hope that you can see The all and everything − Good and bad − That there is in life And that both you, the listener and the reader, Can interpret these deepest confessions of my heart. ~ If you cannot understand my message Then you have heard But you have not listened And you have looked But you have not seen.

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3.

A word is purity within the dark of night That wafts its whispered tone across the room And hovers in the silent blackness Until it slowly dissipates.

When sweet words are uttered Hot with breath and close upon a waiting ear They delve into the very reaches of a burdened soul And conspire to set it free As well as into the core emotions of a lonely heart Hoping to save its life.

Words of love When spoken within the quiet darkness of a room Are such cherished things Whereas words Spoken in the bright and noisy light of day Are swallowed up and lost.

4.

Never boast or speak too much.

Be modest and sparing in your words.

Wait and watch for the proper mood and time: A sparrow’s song at dawn − A lover’s word at night.

Does not the silence of the night Elicit from the chambers of a timid heart More than day could ever?

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5.

One has often said so much But said so little; And one has often said so little But said so much.

So often will a simple well-spoken loving word Unwrap a cry of love In eager need of birth. ~ Upon the calm and swarthy breast of night A well-thought phrase Spoken in soft and dulcet tones Resounds and fills a waiting ear and heart Whose only dream Is to be approached and sweetly wooed.

6.

Each passing night is only darkness Alone and empty Just waiting for a lover’s whispered word To give it life.

The summer eve demands the moon be there And the darkness of the night Pines for the softness of a lover’s voice.

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7.

The moon illuminates the night Plaiting its silver strings of light. ~ Softly spoken words of love Are breathed across a lover’s tongue And interview the night.

Night and words Mark the memory of a lover’s visit.

We live to glean each night And every tender word within it.

Each night can never be lived again.

And each word not spoken Is lost forever. ~ Words are poor ambassadors For the heart And the ways of love.

8.

And now the dawn is almost here Breaking slowly through the darkness of this room But still my mind is cramped With so many confusing thoughts.

So let me hasten in what I have to say and do For soon As with the night These sweet and passing thoughts Will also wane.

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9.

How alike our minds both seem.

How alike we all must be In all our needs and wants.

A quiet city night Instills its magic and its mysteries Into a pensive waiting soul And seeps into the walls of a sullen heart Made porous by time and pain And shapes a lover’s open mood.

Too much giving makes for too much sorrow.

And the past can be the cause and reason For a present sorrow.

10.

The vacancy of night May conjure up a wealth of hurt But a cache of joy and sweetness It may also bring.

Within the murkiness of night You can hear the whispered words of love Almost everywhere − If you listen.

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11.

These are the remembered scenes and sounds That print their silent selves Upon exhausted minds And their burning night-born images Upon weary and searching souls: Those starving souls That yearn and yell for love; Those silent somber memories That live from mood to mood; Those disheartened and pining hearts That crave relief; Those contrite, empty inner cores That seek to fill themselves with something.

12.

Each night is dead and nothing more Until its silence is broken By the cherished tones Of the whispered words of lovers That mark a night forever. ~ We live and wait for every night And every word two lovers speak. ~ A night that passes can never be redone And words unspoken Are lost in shame forever. *****

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y As Sorrow Has Decreed 7-25-1965 Sometimes sad memories can be overwhelming. _____ Hard and sad memories often deprive my mind of its needed rest And trample any chance I have for inner peace.

Unfortunately and consistently, even the best Disguises that I have, betray all my falsely mounted faces − Those of freedom, courage and of peace − for there, incest Within me and all enjoying themselves in shameless lease, Are the ever-courting seeds of fear, anger, frustration and despair That mate and bring forth in me their damaged breed And who all call me their father. Oh how these offspring so overbear On me, and make me go as Sorrow has decreed. *****

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y A Seducing Dusk 10-23-1965 While driving on a dull highway at dusk I was seduced by some past worries and memories. _____ 1.

The car’s monotonous forward movement And Dusk’s approaching face Began to gradually bring me to a former rack Of heavy forlorn moods that trace Themselves to past regrets and fears come back.

2.

Dusk exhaled a painful reminiscent breath Of woes that settled on the distant autumn hills And drenched them in a somber pale That seduced me into reliving some old and sorrowed ills And evoked in me a nauseous wail That sunk my spirit down enough To give me an unsettling sense of Death.

3.

Ill musings smothered my every joyful mood and vein With swift and deadly thoroughness.

And the hills I saw ahead of me With their grizzled, red-complexioned stains Tapped into my heart And drained it down with skilled success.

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4.

The Dusk was like some Siren Song that hypnotized my mind and drew me in To the sink-holes of my former woes.

It also, with sadistic greed, swelled my aching mind With both real and fabricated fears And painful buried memories of every kind − Some as old as time And some as young as embryos.

5.

The dreadful mask of Dusk Quickened my breath and raced my heart Raising old fears that I naively thought I’d never see Again. So well-accomplished were they in their blackish art That they sicked their dog Despair on me Who it seems will never lose my scent and leave me be. *****

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y When She Began To Play 1-15-1966 Impressions at a piano recital I attended in a church in downtown New York City when I was on leave from the Navy. _____ 1.

From the angle I was sitting I could only see A glimpse of her Sitting at the piano In her elegant crimson dress.

2.

In anticipation of her first note She slowly Raised her hand And dramatically held it there − Suspended − in the air.

3.

She held it there For only a moment But long and dramatic enough To make it seem like time had stopped.

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4.

My eyes and heart were transfixed By the drama and suspense.

5.

Then down it came − That one finger − Aiming like a dive-bomber At its target.

And when it hit that first note Its beautiful sound rang out And struck me in the heart!

6.

Oh the clarity and the beauty Of the music that she played Bore my soul away.

7.

As the highest notes flew And the lowest notes plunged I had to hold my breath. *****

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y And It All Began From There (On Barbara Jane ) (Hawaii) 3-28-1966 Barbara Jane was a beautiful native Hawaiian who I met when I was stationed on a ship out of Pearl Harbor in the Navy. She was part Chinese, Filipino, Portuguese, English and French and used to write me erotic letters when I was out to sea. (She had been married to a Marine and when he unexpectedly came one night to visit their child I slipped out the back window to avoid a possible confrontation.) _____ 1.

Her Eurasian beauty Surfaced every passion in me And made my heart and blood Run as fast as lust would chase them.

2.

Her warm and dark brown eyes contrasted bright Against the sparkling background white That surrounded them.

There was no limit to their depth Or to her mesmerizing beauty.

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3.

In the early evening light Her light brown Polynesian skin Shone soft, warm and beautiful As though it were almost glowing.

4.

Her clinging low cut cotton dress Discreetly displayed The crescent beauty of her breasts, Her perfectly trimmed waist, And her firm and shapely hips and legs Which made her so sensuous And inviting.

5.

Her beauty held me fast And wouldn’t let go − Nor did I want it to.

The only thing that mattered Was to have her close to me − And it all began from there. *****

40

y As Beautiful As Your Eyes Held The Moon (To Bich-Thuy) (Written In Approximate Sonnet Form) 8-25-1966 Thoughts at sea about the time my Vietnamese girlfriend and I visited a remote cabin in the mountains of Oahu, Hawaii and where we wrestled on the floor every time we found ourselves alone. _____ Here, a thousand miles away from land, sailing on a sulking sea My musings take me back: Back to where you sat upon the grass with me; To where we listened to the chirping fares Of all the tropical birds that filled the air; To where the stately trees and bamboo stalks And the aimless plants and flowers grew everywhere; To where we had our gentle talks And where I saw how quiet-soft your eyes did hold the moon In their warm and lovely color brown; And to where I listened to your voice and its Siren tune; And where, at your feet, I took my heart and gently laid it down.

I sang a silent song of joy and sorrow mixed For I knew I’d never see the moon In any one else’s eyes, as beautiful as it was in yours that night − As beautiful as in your eyes so warm and mellow brown. *****

41

y A Heavy Winter Sea 12-12-1967 Trying to resume an old affair after my release from the Navy. _____ 1.

We walked along the beach In front of a heavy winter sea Just as we had before.

But something was different now.

Love had changed in her.

I could feel it.

2.

After our walk We stopped for a quiet cup of coffee.

She was distant and the air was tense and awkward − Not like it was before.

3.

From across the table of our booth I looked into her eyes And was taken back to a place Where we could never again return − To a distant dream − To the dark and fragrant silence of her room Where we had once made love Somewhere, now, Far, far away in time. *****

42

y When Others Were With Their Friends 4-20-1968 I used to walk the streets of Brooklyn and write poetry.

(I wrote a guitar piece about this subject entitled, “Empty Walks and Whiskey Mind.”) _____ 1.

I used to walk the streets alone at night With a whiskey bottle tucked under my belt That I’d drink for inspiration For the poems I wanted to write.

2.

When friends were with their friends and families I’d be sitting on some freezing church step Looking at a winter star Mulling over life And putting into clumsy words My pressing thoughts and unsettled feelings.

43

3.

While everyone Was warmly tucked away inside I was fighting with an icy wind somewhere With half-numbed frozen feet And a liquored-up heart and mind Writing poetry.

4.

This was what I did.

This was me, the different one − So different from the others. *****

44

y

Looking Up − 4-21-1968 Ruminations about some inner emotions this night. _____ 1.

Looking up – I suddenly become aware That all my thoughts are collecting into incoherent murmurings That thicken in my ear. They are like water dreams Made up of rising waves Of heaving, shapeless and imposing things.

Some thoughts are as fresh as dawn And age gracefully While others are sour and empty And die as quickly as they are born.

And like pelting rain, my thoughts sometimes accumulate Into slow and narrow streams That then build into raging floods that can overwhelm me With their frightening themes.

2.

The composure of my face opposes what I feel And my silent front deludes The conversations of my darker inner moods.

I troll for simple words that will best reveal The fire-thoughts of inner feuds that had begun Some long and lonely time ago But that still remain unsettled and undone.

45

3.

Looking up – I stare in wonder as to how all the colors begin to die With the aging of the day, and how the light Slowly drains down from the sky And hardens into night.

With all the light dissolving before my eyes I become aware − As if for the first time in my life − Of the true, true depth of night.

4.

Looking up – I see each and every cloud brighten up As it passes by this night’s lovely moon And softly brushes up against its light.

And all the stars to me look like shiny silver pins Stuck into the black-velvet of the evening sky.

I also notice a street-light behind some trees Peeping in between their rustling leaves Making eerie silhouettes appear Like winking eyes that wake up so many of my latent fears.

5.

And then, come the prowling tremors of my sins From somewhere deep inside of me Where they’ve always been and skillfully hiding out of sight But always pushing to be free And always anxious for their attendant torments to begin Just as they always have, and will again tonight. *****

46

y A Cold Rainy Windy Night 11-18-1968 Cold rainy nights always conjure up poetic imagery for me. _____ 1.

Before it rained the wind came up − A raging wind that brings to Autumn nights Gangs of leaves stampeding through the streets Like a wild unruly mob stirred up by a desperate cause.

2.

Then it rained And I heard the heavy rain drops Splashing hard upon the ground.

I also saw the lights in the windows Dying one by one As the neighborhood began to go to sleep.

And in this setting I walked the black, wet and shinny streets Studying the hypnotizing street lights That shimmered off the agitated puddles That were everywhere.

47

3.

I went another block And stopped in a doorway to have a smoke.

And from there I watched the headlights of the cars Fill with gusts of rain That made them look like sparklers Or the sparks frying off a grinding wheel Or the trails of meteor showers Or swarms of fiery insects.

4.

Even though I’m wet, cold and alone And feeling strange That I’m the only one out on a night like this I feel curiously content For I’m always away somewhere − Somewhere in the dreams and trances That I often go into On nights like this. *****

48

y This Yellow Sky At Dusk 11-29-1968 Thoughts on the mysterious subtlety of one particular dusk. _____ 1.

There’s something eerie About this evening’s Sky at Dusk With its yellow amber color That makes it look like The color of Autumn leaves, Ancient parchment, Egyptian sand, Or aged gold.

2.

It’s more than just the color of the Sky tonight − There’s something more and strange about it − Something in its ambiance − Something in it That’s subtly infiltrating me And filling me with a mix of both wonder and fear.

There’s something more to it than just the Sky. It seems to be a Being unto itself.

What’s in this yellow Sky tonight That’s bearing down on me?

49

3.

This yellow sky at Dusk tonight Has within it The strangest sounds I’ve ever heard − Like the humming Of a million insect wings − Like the droning of a fog horn Far out at sea − Or like summer thunder Growling in the distance.

4.

I listen, see and feel This yellow thing of Life − This amber colored Being − This dusty crescent crust of orange-yellow Wrapped around the Earth.

Oh this eerie, pregnant, yellow Sky at Dusk tonight. *****

50

y Hearing Silent Things 6-30-1969 Poetic sensitivities and imagination. _____ 1.

In the quiet stillness I can hear: The footsteps of the dead, The sounds of passing clouds, A hand waving, The breath of dreams, And the birth of stars.

2.

In the quiet stillness I can hear: Lilies floating, Silent prayers, Still black water, Colors changing, Flower stems bending in the wind, And mile-long vaults of sunlight Landing on the forest floor.

51

3.

In the quiet stillness I can hear: A heart breaking, Confessions in the wind, Life beginning and Death approaching, The song of Love, The pathetic and far-away sigh of Despair And the whispered promises of Hope.

4.

In the quiet stillness I can hear everything. *****

52

y China Dawn (On Pei Pei Lin) (Taipei) 12-12-1969 Pei Pei was a shop girl by day and a call girl by night. _____ 1.

When I awoke I watched her breathing in her sleep.

Here I am Halfway around the would Sleeping with an angel of the night.

2.

Looking out of the hotel window I saw the China dawn: A vague and heavy dusty orange glow Rising above the dingy concrete roof tops.

3.

Looking up I saw the faintest blue that was to be the day.

And drifting by my window Were the flat-bottomed and pink-rimmed edges Of new-born morning clouds.

53

4.

And as the China dawn Fell upon her early face I felt the East all over me And it saddened me to think That soon she would be gone.

5.

Before she left She quietly made the bed Which I thought to myself How nice and different that was. *****

54

y Moonlight By The Bed 4-12-1998 The regal moonlight always stirs my imagination. _____ 1.

Just before I went to bed something caught my eye.

It was a little square patch of moonlight on the floor That had slipped in through the window And laid itself down like a lazy old dog.

2.

And when I looked outside I saw the moonlight there as well Spread out on the ground Like a blanket of pale gray ashes.

3.

And looking up at the sky I saw the full-faced moon Staring down at me Like a Monarch upon her servant.

4.

And as I stood there I felt so small and insignificant As if I were a peasant In the presence of the Queen. *****

55

y Edge Walker 4-23-1998 For the sake of her son the truth had to be withheld. _____ 1.

As soon as he saw the edge of the cliff He couldn’t help himself.

His mind began to dig itself in With familiar determination.

He just had to test himself again − For that was his nature.

2.

He focused himself – Mind and body − With Olympic concentration On the challenge of that edge.

“All or nothing!” − “Do or die!”

Those were his battle cries.

3.

Yes, the consequences tugged at him But never enough to matter And so he just screwed himself in tighter.

There was no shaking his resolve.

He’d do it − no matter what.

That was his style.

That was his nature.

That’s where his head was at.

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4.

This time though His timing was just a little off.

He had made a slight miscalculation.

He was off by only a second in his timing Or a half an inch in the distance that he needed − Depending how you looked at it − But just enough to be his last And fatal miscalculation.

5.

His wife would later tell us That she felt a strange sensation the moment he fell And that it was their last communication.

6.

For her son’s sake Her eulogy portrayed him as a daring hero.

But she knew differently.

He was no hero.

Rather, he was just a reckless ego-driven fool Who was thinking only of himself And his next achievement With little regard For how his death would leave them.

7.

But she would keep that to herself − At least for now − As that would be a story For another time and place − And for an older son. ***** 57

y

My Father’s Aging (To Dad) 9-21-1998 Regrets about not having enough foresight about my father's aging. _____ 1.

I never saw my father getting old.

We were both so lock-stepped in time That it wasn’t so apparent to me Just how much and how fast he was actually aging.

2.

But when I looked back through all the photo albums I could see what I hadn’t seen before − Just how much he had been aging Over the years.

3.

And only now, now that he’s gone, Do I realize how much I’d been distracted By all the fighting that we did And how I sadly missed so many chances to tell him How much I really loved him Which I know now Would have been the greatest gift of all to him.

58

4.

But in my defense What love was deep inside of me back then Was all contorted and confused And hard to recognize.

It was a frightened love That was afraid to show itself And almost impossible to give.

5.

I always thought that there would be Plenty of time and opportunity in our lives For peace and reconciliation to come.

It never dawned on me That there was any urgency to this matter And that one day we might run out of time.

6.

And so as Life would have it We did run out of time And unwittingly I let him walk his final miles alone All because I didn’t have The insight, foresight, maturity, charity, sensitivity or whatever To see my father aging − To see him dying − While it was actually happening.

So now It’s sadly all too late for anything. *****

59

y

The Memory Of A Cold Winter’s Night 10-31-1998 Remembering his last chance for a doomed love. _____ 1.

He often thinks of her On that very cold Winter’s night When he was staring out of the window Of the little room they took that night That overlooked a field of snow With the moonlight Painted on its glazed and frozen crest.

2.

His breath was fogging up the window As he stared out empty-eyed and expressionless For lack of any hope for them.

3.

He had a hurting in his heart That he had always felt with her Knowing that they’d always be in love But never be together.

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4.

The darkness and the weight of knowing That soon he’d have to leave her With everything still unresolved Raced in all directions in his heart.

Over and over he asked himself, “How could they make things work?”

But nothing came to him For he found himself Running in that same old circle And now, with only this night left to him He was also running out of time.

5.

Every desperate idea that came to him As to what direction he should go Only brought him to the entrance Of that all-too-familiar maze That just lead to another dead-end.

And with every thought he had Came another heartbreak.

6.

And when he turned and looked at Hope For some encouragement He had to turn away For he could see That She had nothing to offer him And that everything Was about to end for them that night.

61

7.

He remembered everything About that night − Both sad and beautiful.

For that was the night That the deepest love he’d ever known Had wrapped itself around his breaking heart And wouldn’t let go.

8.

Everything about that night Was all so sad and hopeless And a painful lesson In what life and hopeless love Was all about.

9.

That’s how things were On that most beautiful Yet saddest night of all And that’s how they remained And where he learned That love and heartbreak for them Always went together. *****

62

y

Mother’s Day (On My Mother) 5-9-1999 Missing Mom, especially on Mother’s Day. _____ 1.

Today, on Mother’s Day I have no Mother’s eyes to look into Or a Mother’s loving eyes To look back at me.

2.

Today on Mother’s Day I have no Mother to love Or to love me in return.

3.

Oh Archer, take aim again At this here undeveloped heart of mine And finish up thy deed.

4.

Words can never fair convey The wanting, absence, and disquiet Of a Mother gone away.

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5.

Oh Sorrow How cruelly you have carved a hole in me And what a dry and empty desert You have put me in.

6.

Dear Sorrow Can I bargain with you For the anthem of my loss?

Can I negotiate with you To have you fill back up The heart that you have emptied?

7.

Dear Life and Sorrow Can you tell me what your motive was To have put this life-long curse on me And what more you might want of me For haven’t I already given you My most precious gift − That of my one and only Mother? *****

64

y

I Love My Boy And Girl – Equally (To Leandra And Kerry) 10-6-2000 Different, except for love. _____ 1.

Am I closer to my boy?

Or closer to my girl?

Neither.

2.

I love my boy, as my boy And my girl, as my girl Equally.

3.

I love him as my son And her, as my daughter.

4.

I love them as the brother And the sister that are To each other.

5.

I love them for themselves And as themselves.

65

6.

I have no preference For one above the other And that’s the honest truth.

7.

I love them for their likenesses As well as for Their differences.

8.

I love them for what they are As well as For what they’re not.

9.

I love them each alone, Separate, And together.

10.

But no matter How many different ways I love them Rest assured I love them both Equally. *****

66

y

I Didn’t Hold Him So Convincingly (On Dad) 10-25-2000 An incident with my father when he was grieving over my mother’s death where I possibly could have been more responsive. _____ 1.

My father was so much in love with my mother.

She was his everything And the only one who really understood him And who loved him for himself.

So when she died He lost everything.

2.

Death embezzled her from him Slowly and painfully And right before his eyes Leaving him with a broken heart And bankrupt emotions From which he never recovered.

3.

The more he reached out To grasp her frail and outstretched hand The more it faded and slipped away from him.

67

4.

He felt her every pain.

And out of love for her He might have felt it even more than she − Just in a different way.

5.

It broke his heart and sunk his soul When slow, like torture, she died Right in front of him.

And when she died, he died too Right there next to her.

6.

He thought about her every day And frequently came to her grave Where he’d stare down through the ground at her As if she were still alive and looking up at him.

This now, was the only way he had to be close to her And all that he had left of her.

7.

With five children to raise alone I’m sure that he was tempted On more than one occasion To end his hopeless life, To drown himself in drink, Or to run away and leave us on our own.

We worried and we waited But he never did.

68

8.

So attached was he to her That when she died He was truly set adrift And in many ways So were we.

9.

He looked for comfort From his children − The only living part of her That he had left.

10.

I remember one night Soon after her death He sat down next to me And sobbing softly Held me And asked me to hold him back.

I was uncomfortable and confused For I wasn’t used to things like that.

11.

Though I did it I’m not sure I did it − So convincingly.

Was it adequate enough?

Or was it only half-hearted And something that made him feel Even more alone and empty inside?

69

12.

When I think about it now I could have held him Harder, longer and more convincingly.

Even though he’d caught me by surprise And I wasn’t used to things like that I felt I should have given him just a little more − And a little more convincingly − For his sake then And for my sake now. *****

70

y Headlights On The Snow 1-22-2001 Mustering up his courage. _____ 1.

He parked his pick-up truck Close to the cattle fence As he did every morning just before dawn With its headlights Shining across a field of snow Giving it a strangely warm and golden glow.

2.

His coffee was steaming up the windows On the driver’s side.

3.

He put the radio on very low So as not to distract him From trying to arrange some order Out of all that worried him And get them under Some kind of control.

71

4.

It’s 5 am − He’s alone − And it’s dark and freezing-cold outside.

5.

He prays that time will slow down a bit And that dawn will be delayed a little − Just long enough for him to finish his coffee And build his courage up To face another day. *****

72

y All These Things I Dreamed 4-26-2001 Imagining a love that never was. _____ 1.

We loved together For hours into the night.

We dreamed our dreams In each other’s arms.

And when the morning came We woke up face to face.

2.

I took you to romantic dinners And by candle light With tears in my eyes I toasted to our love.

3.

I cried when you gave birth.

And as our children grew We held each other’s hand For we were both so proud of them And us.

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4.

And as we aged Our love grew even deeper And in many new dimensions.

5.

I was amazed How I could still find Such pleasure in your touch − Your hair, your skin Your breath, your scent And the magic of our love After all these years.

6.

All these things I dreamed − As if they were real. *****

74

y Fluff Up My Pillow (Manila) 8-15-2001 I hope to greet Death bravely and smiling.

(Written on a family trip to the Philippines.) _____ 1.

Fluff up my pillow And sit me up straight So I can be alert and proper For Death’s arrival.

2.

Prop me up so I can greet This thing called Death With the proper protocol.

3.

And when it comes I’ll greet it with both a smile and a sigh As I would for a long-expected friend.

4.

I’ll wait for it As a dog waits for its master − Ears up and staring at the door.

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5.

Fluff up my pillow So I can fully engage its eyes, Take its hand, And start my voyage From this life into the next In good and respectable decorum.

6.

Prop up my pillow And let Death see me Waiting alert and attentive And at my bravest best. *****

76

y Oh Wine, You Are My Best Friend 10-8-2001 What I see in my evening glass of wine. _____ 1.

Oh Wine You are the best friend that I ever had.

You are my faithful and silent supporter.

You know your place and never talk back And only speak when spoken to.

You’re also a patient listener No matter how long I go on.

2.

Oh Wine You are also reliable and dependable And always there for me whenever I need you.

You’re also my confidant For I can tell you anything and everything And know that you’ll keep it a secret.

And although you can’t talk You always give me good advice.

77

3.

Oh Wine You help me make it through my day Because I know you’re there at home Waiting for me at night.

You’re also very patient with me And never get upset No matter how late I get home.

4.

Oh Wine When I finally do get home You help me unwind By keeping me company And letting me tell you All about my day − Celebrating All the battles that I’ve won And consoling me Over all the ones I’ve lost.

5.

Oh Wine When after we’ve had our time together And I’m ready to go to bed You tuck me in and tell me a bedtime story Then sprinkle sand in my eyes And put me fast asleep.

78

6.

Oh Wine You’re also my beautiful mistress Who I can say things to That I can’t to anyone else And who loves me through the night But is discreetly gone by morning.

7.

Oh Wine You’re the best friend That I ever had And sometimes My only friend. *****

79

y I Heard Him Crying Down The Hall (On Dad) 10-14-2001 Should I have been more comfort to my farther after my mother’s death? _____ 1.

When my mother died She left my father alone and broken-hearted.

And sometimes in the middle of the night When I was in my bed I could hear him crying down the hall.

She had been his life.

2.

Did the other four − My brother and my sisters − Hear him too?

Or was it only me?

Was I the only one Having trouble sleeping?

80

3.

After she died He never was the same.

Life had cheated him.

Life had brought him down − From the top to the bottom Almost all at once And from which he never recovered.

4.

At night when I was in my bed I could hear him crying down the hall But didn’t − couldn’t – wouldn’t go to him.

“There was really nothing I could do” − I guessed − I figured − I avoided − I convinced myself.

5.

So I just listened in the dark Feeling helpless, guilty and sad About him, me, and everything. *****

81

y In Their Brown And Gold Picture Frames (To My Wife And Children) 10-16-2001 My family pictures comfort me as I sometimes walk the house at night. _____ 1.

Whenever I walk around the house at night − When I can’t sleep so well − I’m never alone For my wife and children’s pictures Are everywhere − All at different ages And in different settings In their little brown and gold Picture frames.

2.

Each night they wait for me To make my rounds.

And as I enter each and every room Their eyes follow me devotedly.

82

3.

I silently say “hello� to them And they reply in kind Acknowledging my presence And thanking me for my visit.

4.

I stop by each and every one of them With reverent and contemplative pause And with practiced ritual Soaking them all in.

5.

They are my guideposts in the night And my cherished comforts Who are always there to keep me company.

6.

They are perfect in almost every way Representing the captured best Of times, events and moods That we have shared together.

7.

They never age or change in any way: They are always smiling, Well-behaved, loving And respectful all the time.

83

8.

They’ll always be there for me Whenever I need them − For they’ll never move away And leave me alone But rather always be waiting for me In their little brown and gold Picture frames.

9.

Because of them My heart’s content And never feels alone.

10.

And although I know That the subjects of these pictures Have changed in time and circumstance It doesn’t matter For in these pictures That I often visit at night They will never change And will always be there for me Forever fixed in demeanor, time and place In their little brown and gold Picture frames. *****

84

y

To Her − To Him 11-13-2001 What she sees as negatives he sees as positives. _____ 1.

To her, it’s an ugly wart.

To him, it’s a beauty mark.

2.

To her, she lacks self-confidence.

To him, she’s just naturally shy.

3.

To her, she feels she’s too sensitive about things.

To him, it’s just a sweet endearing vulnerability.

4.

To her, her ups and downs are disconcerting.

To him, they’re only the charming varieties of mood.

5.

To her, her words never come out right.

To him, all her mistakes are cute and loveable.

6.

To her, she cannot make decisions.

To him, he feels that he’ll always wear the pants.

85

7.

To her, she’s too dependent.

To him, it makes him feel he’ll always be needed.

8.

To her, she’s so naïve about everything.

To him, he rather calls it innocence.

9.

To her, she’s timid and all too quiet.

To him, it’s just her sweet femininity.

10.

To her, she’s never been demanding enough.

To him, he knows she’ll give him peace of mind.

11.

To her, she’s never been that smart.

To him, she makes him feel secure.

12.

To her, she’s all too introverted.

To him, he knows he’ll never be upstaged.

13.

To her, she has little grace or poise.

To him, she’s down to earth and has no airs.

14.

To her, she’s not so pretty or attractive.

To him, he knows she’ll not be wooed away.

86

15.

To her, she’s not as socially graced as she’d like to be.

To him, she’ll always be there at home for him.

16.

To her, she’s not attractive enough For anyone to want to marry her.

But to him, she’s the most beautiful girl in the world And who he’ll one day, ask to be his wife. *****

87

y A Song That Everybody Sings 2-8-2002 Wanting to be remembered for something. _____ 1.

To write one song That everybody sings − ~ One saying That everybody quotes. ~ One poem That everybody reads. ~ To paint one picture That everyone admires. ~ To find a new star That everybody points to. ~ 2.

All I want out of life Is do or create some little thing That I’ll be remembered for.

88

3.

No matter how unlikely it may be I believe That with the confluence Of perseverance, time and luck Anything is possible − Which is what keeps me trying.

4.

Out of a thousand failures All you need is one success − One lucky stumble onto something That people will remember − One simple little song That maybe just comes to you Out of the blue But that afterwards Everybody sings. *****

89

y

My Father’s Sweater 2-8-2002 The possible symbolism in wearing my father’s old sweater. _____ 1.

I wear my father’s old Knitted maroon sweater now And wonder what symbolic meaning That may have.

2.

Sadly, we rarely got along when he was here And things were very tense between us.

It was like waiting for a storm to break That always did.

Our personalities would clash, Arguments would flash, And we’d always seem To touch each other’s nerves.

3.

So with his passing And the wearing of his sweater Am I now in some unconscious way Trying to undo or compensate For all our past misunderstandings?

90

4.

Is the wearing of my father’s old maroon sweater Some kind of peace offering to him?

An open and extended hand?

The formal ending of hostilities?

Reparation for damages done?

Amnesty for crimes committed?

A symbolic burying of the hatchet?

A confession and absolution?

5.

Is it a form of paying my last respects to him? − A kind of sad memorial to two old soldiers Who fought in the same war But on opposite sides? − A belated reconciliation That we sadly never could achieve While he was alive?

6.

I don’t know exactly what it means But it’s probably a little bit of each.

But what I do know is That it’s now a sad and weighty thing for me Knowing that our reconciliation Hadn’t come while he was alive And that all I have to offer him now Is the wearing of his old Knitted maroon sweater. *****

91

y Questions, Questions 2-14-2002 Light or heavy questions depending how you look at them. _____ 1.

Can we communicate by thought?

2.

Are Heaven and Hell really places And Good and Evil, actually things?

3.

Does everything have a soul Or a spirit, as the American Indians believe?

4.

Is it really true that matter and energy Can neither be created or destroyed?

5.

And why wouldn’t the soul decompose Just as the body does?

6.

Has it really been proven, definitively That nothing can travel faster than light?

7.

Does music truly reflect one’s soul Or is it nothing more than organized sound?

92

8.

Does it seem at all logical or plausible for there to actually be The two antagonists of God and the Devil − Like Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty?

9.

Is there any purpose to our lives Or do we merely exist?

10.

Is mathematics just a clever game Or does it really rule the universe?

11.

Is there such a thing as love Or is it just a higher form of sex?

12.

Is there a God looking over us Or are we really just on our own?

13.

Is everything we see reality Or just perception, as Plato has suggested?

14.

Does it matter what I write − Or even that I write at all?

15.

In the scheme of things Does anything really matter At all? ***** 93

y Come To My Bedside (I Won’t Keep You Very Long) (To My Wife And Children) 2-17-2002 My own wishes represented in this man’s last request. _____ 1.

“My dearest wife and children Come to me − Come to my beside So I can say good-bye to you For I am dying as we speak.”

2.

“Oh come and sit beside my bed Look into my eyes And hold my hand − Don’t let me go alone.”

3.

“Come close so I can look at you − And into your dearest faces That are now looking down at me But not fully understanding What is happening.”

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4.

“Let me study them and relive All the history of our lives together That they contain for me.”

5.

“Let me take your images Deep into my mind and heart As they represent My most cherished legacies.”

6.

“Let your dearest images and memories Be the last things that I see and hold Before they lower me into my grave.”

7.

“Come here to my bedside, My dearest wife and children And all my other loved ones as well And be my last and final comforts In this world.”

8.

“Oh I know you have your own lives to live And your own busy schedules to attend to But please Stay with me for the little time that I have left For I promise you I won’t keep you very long.” *****

95

y Keep Your Jewels (They’re No Match For Her Beads Of Colored Glass) 3-19-2002 A preference for unadorned simplicity. _____ 1.

Yes You can catch my attention With your attention-getting laughs And your sultry smiles.

And yes You can show off Your fine expensive rings and necklaces And promenade yourself As a peacock would.

2.

Yes I’ve noticed them – and you.

And know how expensive and beautiful they are And the impressive draw They have on most − But sorry Not on me.

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3.

For me My eyes are on The one who wears those simple beads of colored glass − The one over there, on the other side of the room − The one who never draws attention to herself And whose eyes are always slightly lowered − The quiet, shy and silent one.

She’s the one that I’m attracted to And the one I’m looking for.

4.

You can’t impress me With who you are and what you wear For my heart and mind are focused somewhere else − On something much more genuine and unassuming.

5.

So keep your diamonds and your precious jewels And all the things you have That sparkle and allure For they’re just no contest For the shy and quiet girl who wears Those simple beads of colored glass. *****

97

y Safely In Their Graves 3-26-2002 Death is sometimes a sanctuary. _____ 1.

While riding on the train I passed a cemetery And noticed all the colored flowers On the graves.

2.

The graves were all lined up In neat and even rows And seemed so peaceful.

3.

“Look at all those lucky people”, I thought to myself, “Who are finally free Of all the worries, threats and sorrows Of this world.”

4.

In many ways I envy them − All those lucky people − Neatly tucked away And safely in their graves. *****

98

y He Also Said Goodbye (On My Father Losing My Mom) 4-9-2002 My father knew my mother was dying. _____ 1.

He looked into her eyes, Kissed her on the cheek, And said, “Goodnight.”

Everything of love and pain Was in his look and kiss.

And when he said, “Goodnight” to her He also said, “Goodbye.”

2.

He firmly held her hand Reassuring her that he was there.

And from his breaking heart He told her that he loved her.

Everything was in those words For he knew full well That when the morning came She might be gone.

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3.

She was dying And he was facing an empty life alone.

With five of us young children, motherless, We would only put more weight on him For we were all too young To be of any comfort in his sorrow.

4.

He knew how hard his life would be Without her.

He knew that when she died He’d be sentenced to a lonely, heartbroken life.

He also knew that he’d be better off If he could just go along with her.

5.

Then she died.

And when she did His heart and spirit Followed her.

6.

In my bed at night I would hear him crying down the hall.

My brother and my sisters Might have heard him too But I was never really sure − And never asked − And just kept it to myself.

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7.

Each night he held her hand And when he said, “Goodnight” to her He also said, “Goodbye.” *****

101

y Neon Sunrise 10-10-2002 Appreciating a quiet morning. _____ 1.

It’s early in the morning And still, black as night outside.

No one else is up And the house is dark and quiet.

2.

I turn on the lights And it’s a neon sunrise In the kitchen.

3.

Coffee’s on − Ah, the smell of hazelnut.

4.

It feels so good − That coffee going down Hot and reassuring.

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5.

Mind and body rested − It’s Saturday And there’s no commute today.

6.

It’s still early But I see His Majesty, the Sun, Is stirring and slowly getting out of bed − Sunrise is on the way.

7.

It’s good to be alive In the early moments Of this quiet new-born day. *****

103

y Taking Down The Swings (To Leandra And Kerry) 10-18-2002 Time moves on, often creating mixed emotions. _____ 1.

Last Sunday afternoon I took down the children’s swings As they were older now and had outgrown them.

2.

I remember the happy day I put them up When they were very young.

But now, with their removal A kind of sadness came over me As it marked the end of something – The end of their innocent childhood.

3.

I felt an emptiness inside of me − The emptiness for things lost and gone by − A sad and vacant feeling For two children Who had died on me last Sunday afternoon And who I buried next to each other Side by side − For two children Who had passed away When they became young adults.

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4.

Although it only took me a couple of hours To take down those swings The grieving period For my dear departed children Will last a lifetime. *****

105

y

They’ll Never Find My Tank On Empty 10-25-2002 I’ll always be working on something. _____ 1.

With every book I read I come across a name or quote of someone Whose works I’d like to read sometime − Of some philosopher, writer, statesman, thinker or poet − Or some subject that I’d like to learn much more about − In such areas as history, politics, science or the arts.

One book or name or subject Leads to another.

2.

Rather than being frustrated Over the ever-growing list Of books, subjects and people That I’d like to learn about I’m exhilarated and say to myself, “Look at all the people and things that I can read about And that’ll keep me busy Right through my final days.”

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3.

It’s the same as with my list Of personal projects and avocations In the disciplines of music composition, poetry and painting Which list is also constantly expanding In number, scope, and complexity And they too will keep me busy For the rest of my life.

4.

So with so many things already in progress And a constant stream Of new things being added on My tank is always being topped off So that when I die They’ll never find my tank On “Empty”! *****

107

y

Here I Am But Here I’m Not 11-16-2002 Being somewhere else mentally. _____ 1.

Even though I’m in a crowd I’m very much alone.

Even though I’m listening I’m often not, and thinking of something else.

While I’m here at home My mind is often on the road.

2.

Wherever I am I’m always somewhere else as well: In my books, my music and my poetry; In my thoughts, dreams and worries; And of course, in my moods.

3.

When I’m home relaxing I’m really not For I’m always working on, Or mulling over, something.

4.

Here I am But here I’m not. *****

108

y You Could Have Gone On By 2-3-2003 A broken heart that could have been avoided. _____ 1.

You could have gone on by But no, instead You saw something in my eyes That made you stop − Was it my vulnerability?

2.

You could have gone on by But no, instead You chose to stop And chat me up.

3.

You could have gone on by But no, instead You chose to stick around And get inside my head Just because you could.

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4.

You could have gone on by And left things as they were − The way you found them − But no, instead You decided otherwise.

5.

You could have gone on by But no, instead You just had to stop and make a game of me.

You just had to see if you could trophy me Just to satisfy your ego and your curiosity.

6.

You could have gone on by And just left things well enough alone.

But no, instead You chose to stop and take the time To break my heart. *****

110

y Moonlight On A Field Of Snow 3-6-2003 The majestic effect of moonlight on the snow. _____ 1.

Moonlight on a field of snow.

I’ve never felt such majesty − Such mystery − Such wonder − As when there’s moonlight on the snow.

2.

What a magic tide of light − What a milky white and gentle glow When there’s moonlight on the snow.

3.

I am its humble and adoring servant And genuflect in reverence and respect Whenever I’m in the soft and regal presence Of moonlight on the snow. *****

111

y A Chair Still Empty 3-26-2003 A desperate hope. _____ 1.

He looked across the dinner table And counted four.

So he counted again just to be sure.

But still there were only four.

2.

After so many counts before You’d think he’d know by now That there would always be Only four.

3.

At every sitting since she died He would count Hoping for that one time When perhaps There would be five.

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4.

Not this time though As the chair directly to his right − The one that used to be his wife’s − Was still empty and staring back at him Telling him again Just like all the other times before That she was gone.

5.

Each time he looked into that empty chair He filled it with her image Just as he had all the other times before Because that empty chair Was all that he had left of her now.

6.

If he concentrated long and hard enough One day he might find her sitting there.

That was his desperate hope and dream.

But after all of his many counts before You’d think he’d know by now.

7.

Each day he keeps on counting − Counting four today But hoping there’d be five tomorrow − Missing one today But maybe not tomorrow.

Off by one today − But maybe not tomorrow. *****

113

y It Was The Only Thing That Needed Him (Las Vegas) 4-20-2003 We all want to love, be loved and be needed. _____ 1.

He planted a seed in a little coffee can Half-filled with dirt.

Then he put a little rock in it To weigh it down against the wind.

Then he put it out on the fire-escape So it could get the sun and rain.

2.

He saw the soil give birth Then watched his little flower grow.

Each and every day He worried over it As a father worries for his child.

114

3.

Each day He couldn’t wait to get home To see it.

To touch it.

To feed it.

To talk to it.

To love it.

4.

That little flower on his fire escape Was his everything.

That little flow on his fire escape Was the only living thing he had in life And the only thing That ever needed him. *****

115

y You Have The Full Affection Of My Heart (To Vi) 11-2-2003 Love displayed in different ways. _____ 1.

I may not take you out that much anymore But I never go out without you.

2.

And though I sometimes come home late I always come home.

3.

And though I may not be the lover that I used to be I’m still in love with you.

4.

And when I kiss you, even just casually I really mean it.

5.

And although I may not always show you That much affection, on the outside I can assure you, that on the inside You have the full affection of my heart. *****

116

y I Was Never Of This World 4-4-2004 My mind is always escaping into the heavens. _____ 1.

I was always looking up Into the heavens − Always traveling up and out At speeds and distances Far beyond my comprehension.

2.

I was always looking up Tracing star shapes in the sky With my mind a million miles away.

3.

Though confined here to my little room I was always looking out my window Making my escape To where the stars reside.

4.

I was never really of this world But rather always somewhere else − Somewhere out there among the stars. *****

117

y If Only You And I 6-14-2004 Reminiscing about a failed relationship. _____ 1.

If only you were stronger And not such a delicate flower.

If only you were a woman And not the fragile little girl you are.

If only you could have put my mind at ease Instead of just the opposite.

2.

If only I hadn’t seen your face And shown you my heart That made it so easy For you to steal it away from me.

If only I could keep you off my mind And not have your memory visit me On so many nights.

If only I could stop pining Over a love That wasn’t meant to be.

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3.

If only you and I and everything Had been just a little different.

If only Fate had smiled Instead of frowned on us.

4.

So it is and so it shall remain for me Trapped inside this world Of so many sad “if onlys.”

5.

If only Fate had smiled Instead of frowned on us − If only...if only. *****

119

y That Last Good-Bye Look And Touch 6-19-2004 Real or wishful thinking? _____ 1.

She was kind of cool to him And he could feel it all throughout the day.

He had thought that when they met After so many intervening years And after all that they’d been through together That there would have been A little more warmth, More longing, More emotion, More pining over the love that they once had But sadly couldn’t keep.

2.

Throughout the day she made him feel A little sad and disappointed − Just as she always had.

After all the love that they had shared He thought that there would be A little more hint of it − At least for today.

But there wasn’t And his expectations were frustrated once again Just as they’d always been with her.

120

3.

But, at the end of the day When they were saying their good-byes He saw it in her face and eyes, He felt it in her touch upon his cheek, And he heard it in her silence, “I love you still.”

(At least, that’s what he thought he heard.)

4.

And when he asked his heart What it had heard It said the same thing, “I love you still.”

(At least, that’s what he thought it said.) *****

121

y Has He Ever? As Much As I? 7-3-2004 Pining over a love he lost to someone else. _____ 1.

Has he ever written about you?

Has he ever written about you like I have?

Like I have?

I don’t think so − he couldn’t have − not like I have.

2.

Has he ever stayed awake at night Seeing your face in the darkness of his room?

For as many nights as I have?

I don’t think so – not for as many as I have.

3.

Has he ever really looked inside your heart And almost died for the love of you?

I don’t think so − he couldn’t have − not as much as I have.

4.

Has he ever looked into your eyes And cried for the distance that he found?

Has he?

I don’t think so − not as often as I have.

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5.

Has he ever prayed that he could reach you?

Prayed like I have?

I don’t think so – not as much as I have.

6.

Has he ever gotten close enough to you To let his heart be broken?

Has he ever? Like I have?

I don’t think so − not like I have.

7.

Has he ever loved you as much as I have?

I don’t think so − he couldn’t have loved you that much − And not nearly half as much as I. *****

123

y I Only Fix The Walls 4-4-2005 A repairman’s empathy and sorrow. _____ 1.

“Patch up a little hole in the wall?

Sure, I’ll be over in a little while.” ~ “A broken cabinet door?

OK, that won’t take me long to fix.” ~ “A door pulled off its hinges?

OK, I’ll be over later on today.” ~ “A broken window?

OK, how about I come around next Tuesday?” ~ “A broken chair leg?

No problem, I’ll glue it back tomorrow afternoon.” ~ “A shelf came off the wall?

OK, let me check my schedule.” ~ “Another hole in the wall?

OK, I can be there on Saturday If that’ll work for you.”

124

2.

With each call I get and repair I make I shed a tear for the wife and kids Who have to suffer through The violent domestic origins Of all the work I’m called to do. *****

125

y Have I Come Home Too Late?

6-12-2005 Everything had changed while he was away. _____ 1.

All that had been there before Isn’t there anymore; All that was so familiar to me Is all so strange now.

Have I come home too late?

2.

Everything has changed And all the people that I used to know Are mostly dead or gone Or have changed with age and circumstance.

3.

All the quiet that I used to love about this place Has been scared away by a busy and noisy road: The tree that held the swing I used to swing on Has long been cut down, The pond I used to swim in Is now posted with a “No Swimming” sign, And the pretty girl who had given me her heart Has been taken, and full worn out with children.

126

4.

I thought that everyone and everything Would wait for me And that everything would stay the same Just as I had left it.

5.

But sadly No one waited And nothing stayed the same So it seems in fact I have come home too late. *****

127

y 12 Feet Mark The Entire Range Of Our Existence 7-24-2005 The range of our existence is quite limited. _____ 1.

For all our lives We live 6 feet above the ground.

2.

And when we die We’ll forever rest 6 feet underground.

3.

6 feet up and 6 feet down.

12 feet is the entire range of our existence.

4.

How exact and well-defined our boundaries are.

How precisely measured are our little pens.

How confining are our chicken coops.

5.

How limited is the range to which we’ve been assigned For all our lives and throughout our deaths − Just 6 feet up and 6 feet down. *****

128

y Slowly Driving Past Your House 7-25-2005 All he has left is a memory. _____ 1.

You left our little town And settled somewhere else And made a new life for yourself − The one that you deserved.

2.

And as for me?

I stayed behind and let you go And gave up any chance I had with you.

3.

You have a family now − The one that could have been ours If not for my stupidity.

4.

So now All that I have left Is slowly driving past your empty house And looking at its windows That are all unlit And empty of your silhouette That I used to see.

129

5.

But when I close my eyes and concentrate I go back in time And see all those windows warmly lit again And your lovely silhouette on the shade.

I also hear all the sounds of life and love That used to be in every room.

6.

But when I open my eyes All that disappears – Your silhouette is gone, The house is empty and quiet, And the silence and darkness Is enough to break my heart.

7.

So now All that’s left for me Is slowly driving past your house With no chance of ever seeing again All those windows warmly lit And your silhouette on the shade Or hearing All the sounds of life and love That used to be inside − Except − When I close my eyes. *****

130

y What Took You So Long?

8-3-2005 A love that finally came around. _____ 1.

I’ve always been there − Either in the foreground or the background − But you never noticed me.

We’ve even spoken once or twice But you never remembered.

2.

I’ve always been around But you never paid me any mind.

I’ve waited patiently for the ice to thaw And for you to notice me But you never did.

3.

And whenever you looked my way It was always to my left, or right, or over me − Or even worse − Right through me − As if I weren’t even there.

131

4.

But now you’ve come around And finally noticed me.

I finally caught your eye.

The searching love in you Has finally found The waiting love in me.

5.

Though my wait for you Has had a happy ending I just have to ask you, “What took you so long?!” *****

132

y

Then Please Don’t Bury Me At All 8-4-05 An old man’s wish. _____ 1.

All my life I’ve lived here in this house.

This is the house Where I lived for 40 years with my wife – God rest her soul − And where we raised all our children.

2.

This is the place That I’ve spent my every smile and tear.

This is the place That I built and re-built.

This is the place That I’ve always called home And my little piece of the earth.

3.

This is the kitchen Where I’ve had my coffee For countless mornings.

And upstairs is the bed I’ve slept in For all my nights.

133

4.

I’ve tracked a million suns and moons Across these walls and floors And I’ve watched a million clouds and shadows Pass by these windows So I can’t image being any other place Than here at home.

5.

So when I die My only request Is that you bury me here Where I belong – Right here at home.

6.

Please let me die with the peace of mind That I’ll be buried right here at home.

And if you can’t promise me that Then please don’t bury me at all. *****

134

y I Really Used To Be Somebody 8-4-2005 Difficulty in envisioning someone holistically. _____ 1.

When I tell you That I used to be “somebody” You nod politely But are condescending and inattentive And hardly hear a word I’m saying.

2.

You have little time for me − For who am I to you?

Just a weary bore?

An empty shadow?

An old has-been?

3.

Looking at me You just can’t imagine That I could have been anything else But what you see in front of you.

135

4.

Even when I tell you That I used to be somebody Who once had, as they say, “Money, power, looks and charm” You remain unimpressed For you just can’t imagine me As anybody different Than what you see right now.

5.

It’s not for boasting That I’m telling you these things But rather just to expand your point of view And make you understand That what you see in front of you Wasn’t always me And that I really used to be “Somebody.” *****

136

y Will You Go Out With Me Tonight?

8-7-2005 Looking for a second chance, even in death.

(Inspired, I think, by a poem I may have read.) ______ 1.

I think about you all the time Both when I’m lonely and even when I’m not − “So will you go out with me tonight?”

2.

I’ve loved no other woman in my life As much as I’ve loved you − “So will you go out with me tonight?”

3.

It’s been a long hard week for me With anxious days and restless nights − “So will you go out with me tonight?”

4.

I know I’ve never said the things I should have said Nor been the friend or lover you deserved − “But will you go out with me tonight?”

137

5.

I want to tell you now, how much I love you Like I didn’t think to do before − “So will you go out with me tonight?”

6.

Please forgive me For all the hurt I’ve caused.

Please forgive this lonely man who lives in pain From always regretting what he didn’t do And from always missing you − “So please, will you go out with me tonight?”

7.

So here I am Standing at your gravesite Asking with a broken heart For this one and only request − “Will you go out with me tonight?” *****

138

y When The Snow Came I Found Myself Alone 10-25-2005 An endless love that ended. _____ 1.

We found each other in the summer And fell into a love That was the deepest love we’d ever known.

Each day we held hands And gazed into each other’s eyes And when we slept at night We whispered in the dark Wrapped in each other’s arms.

2.

We were so much in love That we thought the stars were there Just for us.

And under them We pledged our love forever.

3.

We were running bloods each time we touched And the world did not exist beyond our warm embrace.

Our thoughts were always on each other And even being in the next room Seemed unbearably far apart.

139

4.

But when the winter came And the first snow was on the ground I found myself alone.

She had left without a word.

Her bed was cold, Her closets bare, And her coffee cup was sitting in the sink.

5.

I opened up the door to look for her But she wasn’t there either.

And any footprints Had all been covered up by the snow.

There was only a dead-white silence everywhere For the snow had hushed up everything To better to hear my cries.

6.

When the first snow came I found myself alone.

It seemed the love I’d found And thought was mine forever Was nothing but a dream.

7.

And even if it was all real And not a dream It might as well have been a dream For when the first snow came I found myself alone. *****

140

y I Want To See You Cry (To Vi) 10-31-2005 Crying for the right reason. _____ 1.

I want to see you cry the day I pass away − Not to see you hurt in any way − But just to know How much I meant to you.

2.

I want to see you cry So that I will know that what we had together Was worth the broken heart and all the tears That follow with my passing.

3.

I want to see you cry For then I’ll know that you have come to know That you will never find another Who’ll love you more than I. 4.

I want to see you cry the day I pass away − Not to see you hurt in any way − But rather just to know How much we loved each other. ***** 141

y Ballrooms, Palaces And Cinderella Loves 11-27-2005 One meeting that he never forgot. _____ 1.

I met you once a long, long time ago And never could forget you.

2.

You stirred in me something very primitive − Something that I couldn’t put aside − Something that distorted even time and space for me − Something that created fantasies And made me something more than what I was.

3.

Although I haven’t met you since I’ve never forgotten the one time that I did − The time when you took my heart away with you.

4.

Oh what followed from that night − From that one chance encounter – Were love-born magic fantasies, Dreams of you and I together, Of ballrooms and palaces And Cinderella loves. *****

142

y Where The Snow Would Never Melt On Me 12-18-2005 Keeping the pristine beauty of snow. _____ 1.

When it snows The world becomes A fairy tale wonderland for me − A storybook kingdom made of white With magic in the air.

2.

Snow − It beatifies and simplifies everything.

It takes the former collage Of stark competing colors And reduces them To just a softer snow-capped few.

And all the former shrill and rowdy sounds Are quieted down To a hush of church-like whispers All in homage To her Majesty, the Snow.

143

3.

And after it has snowed I pray that it will stay just cold enough To keep the snow around all winter long.

I hate it when it warms And the snow begins to melt And turns into a slushy, ugly, dirty brown For it sadly reminds me Of a lost virginity.

4.

Oh, how I wish I had A winter cabin in the North That would guarantee That the magic and the beauty Of the lovely snow Would never melt on me. *****

144

y I Live For New Beginnings (On Me And My Family) 2-28-2006 Bad endings create chances for new beginnings. _____ 1.

There is a compensating benefit To frequent failures And constant disappointments In that they create a steady flow of hopes And new beginnings.

2.

I live for new beginnings: A new closeness to Kerry and Leandra; A renewed appreciation of Vi; An even deeper love For my brother, sisters and family And a new acceptance of myself.

3.

Every cloud has a silver lining And every dark and scary night Portends of a bright new day to come.

145

4.

I live in a sea of little hopes And constant new beginnings Each one of which is a shiny little wavelet On the surface of the water − Each one a mirror glistening in the sun − Each one a jewel worth reaching for.

I live for new beginnings. *****

146

y Children And Old Men (Hopes And Disappointments) 11-2-2007 An unfortunate reality in life. _____ 1.

How cruel Life is sometimes: Where hopes so often Resolve themselves Into disappointments.

2.

Where failures mount And stack themselves One upon the other.

3.

Where children Give birth to happy dreams But old men Are left to watch them die And bury them One by one. *****

147

y Quiet Morn 8-16-2008 Everything seems better in the morning. _____ 1.

In the quiet of the morning Before the world awakes Life is fresh and simple.

2.

In the quiet of the morning I feel as if I were The only man alive.

3.

In the quiet of the morning My spirit floats As if it were the wind.

4.

In the quiet of the morning I can reach up to the sky And touch the color blue. ~ I can hear The whispers of the wind. ~

148

I can understand The language of the rustling leaves. ~ I can see Every glistening dew drop As a little crystal ball. ~ 5.

In the quiet of the morning Nature is my friend And the only friend I need.

6.

In the quiet of the morning I feel I know by heart The song of every bird.

7.

In the quiet of the morning Before the world awakes I find sanctuary.

8.

At this special time of day − In the quiet of the morning − I’m at my hopeful best. *****

149

y Oh Mother Dear, Why Did You Leave Us? 5-29-2009 Inspired by a dream I had that was perhaps influenced by my own loss. _____ 1.

Oh Mother dear Why did you leave us At the very time we needed you the most?

Why did you leave the nest you built for us Where like little birds we felt so safe and warm?

But if the truth will be hard for us to take And will break our hearts Then Mother dear Please tell us something we can handle − Even if it is a lie.

2.

Oh Mother dear I trust there must have been some compelling reason For your leaving us.

Was it perhaps something that life had forced on you? − Something you couldn’t explain? − Or something that you felt we’d never understand?

Oh Mother dear Just give us some reason to ease our minds − Even if it is a lie.

150

3.

Oh Mother dear Help us bear the tasteless food we eat That almost makes us gag.

Help us get it down with the promise of a piece of candy That will remove its bitter taste And help us forget what we just ate.

Oh Mother dear Tell us that life is filled with such sugar-coated treats − Even if it is a lie.

4.

Oh Mother dear Don’t have us put our heads down On the cold hard rock of truth and reality That will keep us sleepless in our empty nights.

Rather, tell us fairy tales and sing us sweet lullabies That will calm our fears and put us quietly to sleep.

Oh Mother dear Please put our heads down on soft little pillows − Even if they’re all made of lies.

5.

Please Mother dear Tell us that when you left us You looked back at us with a tear in your eye.

Don’t leave us with the crushing thought That we weren’t even good enough for that.

Oh Mother dear Tell us something that will take That piercing arrow from our hearts − Even if it is a lie.

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6.

Please Mother dear Tell us that there is a caring god Who sometimes makes mistakes But rectifies them in his own good time and way.

Please give us the faith and confidence That virtues are rewarded and sins are punished, That injustices and misfortunes are reversed, And that good will always triumph over evil.

Oh Mother dear Make us believe that the world is made like this And that in the end everything balances out − Even if it is a lie.

7.

Oh Mother dear Rock us in your arms and make us feel secure.

And even though you know That a harsh tomorrow looms ahead Whisper in our little ears with your warm mother’s breath And tell us that everything will be alright.

Oh Mother dear Please give us that needed reassurance − Even if it is a lie.

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8.

Oh Mother dear Please tell us that you never meant to leave us And that you always planned to return for us one day.

Tell us that you were only kidding when you left us Or just taking a little trip somewhere.

Oh Mother dear Tell us what we need to hear That will ease our little hearts and minds And quell our nagging suspicions − Even if it is a lie.

9.

Oh Mother dear Please tell us that you never really abandoned us And that you’re in fact The most loving mother in the world And we’re the most precious things you have.

Oh Mother dear Please tell us this And everything else that we long to hear − Even if it is a lie. *****

153

y Help Is On The Way 8-24-2009 The heart is ever hopeful. _____ 1.

This heart is empty.

This heart is hurting.

This heart is good And doesn’t deserve what’s on it now.

2.

This heart is desperate for relief And thinks it’s heard a whispered promise That “Help is on the way.”

3.

This heart is always listening and searching And always ever hopeful.

This heart is looking for the light It believes is there And waiting for the breeze It trusts will come.

And this heart believes that good Will be rewarded And evil, punished.

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4.

This heart is looking for the signs That help is on its way: A line of dust above the horizon Signaling that the cavalry’s on its way; The emerging glow of a rising moon That will open up the night; The discovery of a cabin with its lights on In a dark and scary forest; The soft and reassuring voice That will finally end the piercing silence; A touch upon its shoulder To let it know that it’s not alone; A ray of hope To challenge its despair; A big brother To save it from the bullies on the block; A phone that finally rings To let it know that someone cares.

5.

This heart’s a dreamer − Dreaming up all the dreams it needs For its survival.

And this heart will go on dreaming And believing And hearing that whispered voice and promise That “Help is on the way.” *****

155

y Car Talks (On Kerry) 9-19-2009 Taking every opportunity to engage with Kerry. _____ 1.

Each time I drive Kerry to work I see it as a natural opportunity To engage him in a little conversation − One on one.

2.

I only raise one, or at the most, two subjects Neither of which I feel Will be too heavy or too sensitive To scare him away Or at worst Shut him down.

3.

Each ride is like a special opportunity Before a captive audience − A father with his son.

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4.

Ride after ride − Subject after subject − I make my opening bid To draw him into the game, To keep him playing, And not have him fold his hand.

5.

Sometimes I win.

Sometimes I lose.

But at least we’re at the table And in the game together.

6.

It’s a game of skill.

It’s a game of chance.

And it’s a game of hope But more so It’s a game of love. *****

157

y

Don’t Mourn For Me (On A Vietnamese Film) 3-20-2010 Inspired by the Vietnamese movie, “First Morning”. _____ 1.

What footprint can ever remain in the sand?

What footprint can ever escape the tide?

2.

Who can measure the cost of freedom?

Who can question the road we took?

3.

Every spring endures a winter.

Every lullaby bears a mother’s grief.

Every dream demands a sacrifice.

4.

Don’t mourn for me when I die For death is not the greatest loss For the greatest loss Is that which dies inside of you When you’re alive. *****

158

y The Smell Of Pain In The Air 3-26-2010 We can often sense things beforehand. _____ 1.

Your joints begin to ache When it’s going to rain.

2.

You can hear a hush come over everything Just before it snows.

3.

You can somehow sense When danger’s close at hand.

4.

You often have a premonition Before something actually happens.

5.

And when your heart’s about to break There’s an unmistakable smell of pain In the air. *****

159

y

Tonight I’ll Have To Tell Him 5-10-2010 The pain of delivering and receiving bad news. _____ 1.

I was notified today That his only son and child Had been killed in the war In some remote village Somewhere half way around the world − And tonight, I’ll have to tell him that.

2.

His wife had passed away early in his life So he never had the family He’d been planning for And the only family that he had Was his only son.

But now, with his death He doesn’t even have that − And tonight, I’ll have to tell him that.

160

3.

He mentioned to me just yesterday That the letter from his son Was unusually late.

“Snail mail”, he said, Trying to make light of it − Trying to hide What he was always worried sick about.

His son’s letters always came on time But yesterday When he opened that little green mailbox In the front of his house It was empty − And tonight, I’ll have to tell him why.

4.

When he got home from work I was already there waiting for him.

But as I began to speak He held up his hand and politely said, “Just a minute, please, I want to check the mail.”

I watched the disappointment in his face As he turned to me and said, “What’s wrong with the mail these days?”

In about a minute or so I’ll have tell him − That it’s not the mail.

161

5.

Later that night At about 9 pm and already dark I walked over to his house again Just to check to see how he was doing − But this time, there was nothing I could tell him That would make any difference About anything.

6.

I stood on the sidewalk Just outside of his house And saw him sitting in that tattered old arm chair of his Under a dim and solitary lamp.

And as I watched him I felt the same excruciating pain That I felt earlier today When I put a knife in his heart − And told him about his only son.

7.

Every day He still goes out to his mailbox To check the mail − Just in case − But I don’t have the heart or right To tell him anything otherwise. *****

162

y He Called Me His Little Mountain Flower 5-10-2010 A compliment that lasted her a lifetime. _____ 1.

He called me his “little mountain flower.”

And when he did I actually saw myself As a little golden flower In a sloping field of grass High up on a mountain side On a bright and sunny day Gently swaying in a warm summer breeze.

2.

No one ever called me anything as beautiful As a little mountain flower And I took that image of myself Deep into my heart.

3.

Although he’s gone now I still hold that precious image of myself − The image that he gave me forever − When he called me His little mountain flower. *****

163

y Taking The Long Way Home 7-24-2010 Desperate to resolve his problem. _____ 1.

I’ve got to solve this problem That’s been weighing heavy on my mind For I just can’t carry it any longer.

2.

I’ve got to put this fire out That’s been burning in my head And not take it home with me again tonight.

3.

I’ve got to find the answer To my dilemma That’s got me almost split in two.

4.

I’ve got to solve this puzzle That just won’t give me any rest.

5.

I’ve got to relieve the pressure That’s been building up inside of me.

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6.

So tonight I’m taking the long way home To give myself the time I need To think things through And hopefully slip the knot That’s been strangling me.

7.

I’ve got to lay this burden down That’s been so heavy on me.

8.

I’ve got to find the answer To what’s been bothering me And I’m hoping that I’ll find it tonight Somewhere on the long way home.

9.

I’m hoping that tonight Somewhere along the way − Somewhere on the long way home − It’ll come to me And I’ll find the answer To this trouble in my head. *****

165

y Will The Stars All Fall Down On Me? 12-14-2010 Losing distant but precious things. _____ 1.

Will the stars one night Be shaken from the sky And all fall down on me?

2.

Will these heavenly jewels That I loved so much Be stolen away from me?

3.

Will I come home some night And find that all the stars Have left the sky?

4.

As cold and distant as they were They were always there for me Whenever I needed them.

166

5.

Should I prepare myself for the dreaded night When I might find the sky All dark and empty?

6.

Will I some night find that all the sparkling stars That used to keep my night alive Have died on me?

7.

Will I one day lose my starry friends Just like all the other things I couldn’t keep?

8.

Will the stars one night All fall down on me? *****

167

y Going Out The Same Way He Came In 1-21-2011 Many of us can identify with this, including me. _____ 1.

He came into this world with a great fear of it For he could see early on That he wouldn’t fit in so well And that life for him wouldn’t be easy.

2.

He knew that life For whatever reason Would be a constant struggle And that all that he could hope for at best Was a truce or a draw.

He sometimes even had his doubts That life would be worth living at all.

3.

He knew that he’d be different from the others And have some trouble making friends − Especially with himself – And that more or less He’d be a loner.

168

4.

Over time He thought that things might get better − But they hadn’t And rather stayed pretty much the same.

So here he was In the last phase of his life Facing the same daily proofs Of his born-into and pre-ordained conditions.

5.

Here he was Still trying to make the best of a losing hand.

Here he was Still sitting at the Ouija board watching the pointer Move under his hand all by itself.

And here he was After all these years Still trying to get a foothold On the same slippery slopes of the crater That he found himself in At the outset of his life.

6.

So here he was Looking at his life Both backwards and forwards And coming to the same sad conclusion That in his long contest with Life Nothing much has changed And that it looked like he’d be going out The same way he came in. ***** 169

y A Moon At 3 am 2-15-2011 Thoughts evoked by a setting moon. _____ 1.

I woke up at 3 am And saw a big bright moon outside my window Slowly rolling inch by inch Without a breath of sound Down the branch of a distant tree.

2.

And when it reached the end of the branch It fell off And onto an irregular horizon of trees and houses.

And then Like a sunset It slowly sank until it disappeared Leaving only the faded remnants Of its hallowed glow.

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3.

And when the Night came It cradled this aged and failing moon in its arms And, with the premeditation and compassion Of one who caringly puts down a dying animal, It smothered out Whatever gasping light and life that it had left.

Then gently It pulled the blanket of Darkness over its head Respectfully marking its silent death.

4.

I’m not sure what awakened me Or why I was chosen To witness the passing of this moon.

Perhaps I sensed something The way an animal senses things.

5.

Whatever the reason I felt privileged to have witnessed − As if for the first time − The giant and noble actors performing on this great stage And the miracle drama of this Night’s Mass.

And with that image I gradually closed my eyes and fell asleep Believing that the world Was not as dreadful as I had thought And that rather maybe warm and beautiful And full of promise All from the glory of that moon At 3 am. ***** 171

y Your Hand Now Holding Mine (A Father And Daughter) 12-8-2011 A father’s story with my daughter Leandra in mind. _____ 1.

I put my pinky in your little hand And felt you squeeze it as if you knew it was me.

Then I whispered in your ear and told you all about The whole new world that was ahead of you.

2.

And when you took your unsteady baby steps I held your hand and guided you safely across the room.

3.

And when you were learning to ride your bike I walked alongside and held your hand to steady you.

4.

And when you went to school that first day I took your hand in mine and walked you to the door.

5.

And when you got sick with that burning fever one night I held your hand to let you know that you weren't alone.

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6.

And when you had a fight with your best friend I sat beside you and held your hand And told you that everything would be alright And that I would always be your friend.

7.

And when you broke up with your first true love I held your hand as you cried upon my shoulder.

8.

And then one Christmas Eve When my heart couldn’t hold it in any longer I held your hand and told you how much I loved you And that you were the best part of my life.

9.

And when you got married I took your hand and placed it upon on my arm And proudly walked you down the aisle.

10.

And when you gave birth to your children I held their hands, and through them I was holding yours.

11.

And now, as I lay here on my deathbed in my final hours Reliving all those precious times I held your hand Tears of love well up in my eyes when I look down and see Your hand, now holding mine. *****

173

y

That New Year’s Eve Call (On Christine) 12-31-2011 Missing my sister Christine’s New Year’s Eve call. _____ 1.

Every New Year’s Eve Chris would call me at about 11 pm or so, “Just wanted to call and wish you a Happy New Year Before the phone lines got too busy.”

2.

On each and every New Year’s Eve Chris would call Like clock-work.

But now This New Year’s Eve There was no call.

“Maybe she’s just a little late”, I told myself.

3.

But even as the balloon went down There still wasn’t any call And my lonely room remained Dead silent Waiting for the phone to ring.

174

4.

I’d always look forward To that faithful Happy New Year’s Eve call That she always made from wherever she was.

It was always so good to know That there was someone out there Who loved you enough To make that special and personal call.

I never knew how much I’d miss that call Until tonight When there wasn’t any call.

5.

New Year’s Eve and Chris’s call − They always went together − When one shoe dropped The other always followed.

But now This New Year’s Eve I found myself Waiting for that other shoe to drop.

But it didn’t drop − Not this time − Not this New Year’s Eve − For there was no call.

6.

But then Sometime after midnight I heard the phone ring − I swear I did.

“Finally she called”, I said to myself With a sigh of relief.

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7.

Although it was little weak and distant It was her voice − I swear it was − Wishing me a “Happy New Year” Just like she’d always done before.

8.

But it wasn’t her voice At the other end of the line It was only The wishful and desperate voice in my head For there wasn’t any call For she had passed away A month or so before.

9.

So here I am At a new and barren threshold in my life Sadly going into the New Year Having no incentive To make any New Year’s resolutions Nor looking forward to anything in the future But rather only pining for the past And knowing that for the rest of my life And all the New Year’s Eve’s to come I’ll never again Get that once-expected And so much loved New Year’s Eve call From my dearest sister, Chris. *****

176

y

“Can You Get It?” (On Grandpa Hackett) 12-11-2012 A true story about my Grandpa Hackett. _____ 1.

My Grandfather Was a very easy-going And uncomplicated man With no hobbies And no airs about him.

And when he retired as Captain From the NYC Fire Department To fill up his time He smoked his cigars, Read the newspaper, And listened to my grandmother talk.

And oh yes, and he took in our garbage cans And once in a while He’d have a beer at the corner saloon.

2.

Everyday my grandmother would cook Either corn beef and cabbage Or boiled ham and potatoes And my grandfather never complained.

177

3.

One time when my grandmother was away My father, knowing what a boring Irish diet he had Invited him out to a local Italian restaurant.

4.

When the waiter came over And asked what he’d like to have My grandfather said, “I’d like to have some corn beef and cabbage.”

With that My father held up his hand to the waiter and said, “Please, give us a minute.”

5.

My father tried to reason with him.

“Captain”, he said, “You have corn beef and cabbage every day.

Why don’t you take a look at the menu And try something different.”

So he looked at the menu again.

6.

When the waiter returned And asked him what he wanted My grandfather again said, “I’d really like to have some corn beef and cabbage.”

7.

The waiter then said to him, “Sir, this is an Italian restaurant And we serve Italian food which is a world renowned cuisine − And besides, we don’t have corn beef and cabbage.”

178

8.

Then my grandfather After politely looking at the menu For a little while longer Looked up at the waiter and said, “Can you get it?”

9.

That was my grandfather – A very simple and no frills gentleman Who just liked what he liked. *****

179

y A Little Companion Star 2-17-2013 A little star next to a big moon. _____ 1.

I looked up at the sky And saw a big bright moon – A bold and brilliant moon − Secure and self-confident.

2.

We looked at each other And I knew who was boss.

3.

Then I noticed a little star Nestled right next to the moon And wondered what it was doing there.

Was it looking for: Companionship, protection or warmth?

4.

Needing no answer I was content Just to gaze at its sparkling beauty And think about the fortunate circumstances That had brought us all together tonight. *****

180

y I Kiss Her Goodnight Anyway (On Vi) 8-11-2013 A possible future for me. _____ 1.

I got up early in the morning Like I always did, Had a piece of bread and coffee, Worked on my writings, And waited for Vi To come downstairs and join me.

But then I remembered That she wouldn’t be coming down For she died on me some years ago.

2.

After doing the lawn I came into the house But didn’t see her working in the kitchen As she usually did.

Then I remembered again that she had passed away And I wouldn’t be seeing her Standing at the sink and working on her cutting board.

So I just sat down And stared at that empty sink and silent cutting board Pretending she was there.

181

3.

Then when lunch time came I thought I heard her Asking me what I wanted to eat.

But it was just my imagination As I had to make my own sandwich And eat it alone − Except for the image I saw of her Sitting across from me.

4.

Later on in the day I took a lonely sail Imagining she was with me With her hair blowing in the wind And helping me with the lines Like she always did.

But she wasn’t there.

“Maybe she’ll come the next time?”, I lied to myself.

5.

Then in the evening After watching TV on the couch for a while I got tired and decided to go to bed.

So I leaned over to kiss her good-night But her usual spot right next to me was empty And I withdrew.

It was just another habit that I’d have to break.

6.

But, from missing her so much And a heart that just won’t let go, I leaned over again And kissed her goodnight − Anyway.

182

7.

Everything I ever did Was with her And now she’s gone.

8.

I prefer to make these little mistakes − Imagining That she’s still here − Than to face the pained reality Of admitting That she’s gone.

9.

So in the morning I wait for her to come downstairs And join me for breakfast.

10.

And for lunch I have a sandwich with her At the table.

11.

And in the evening When I’m ready to go to bed I lean over and kiss her goodnight − Anyway. *****

183

y

Don’t You Ever Say That I Don’t Love You 12-31-2013 Some things are just too wrong to accept. _____ 1.

You can tell me that the sky is purple.

You can tell me the world is square.

You can lie to me right though your teeth And I’ll find a way to believe you.

2.

You can tell me That we’re not meant for each other And I’ll still hang on And keep my hopes up high.

3.

You can say anything you like Right or wrong, Good or bad, True or false, As well as things That are downright mean and hurtful − But don’t you ever say That I don’t love you. *****

184

y Every Flower Will Hold Her Face (On Vi) 6-26-2014 Thinking about when Vi might no longer be with me. _____ 1.

When Vi dies I’ll miss her terribly.

But I’ll still have her here with me − Just in a different way.

2.

Although she’ll be gone Every flower in our garden Will hold her face.

3.

And in every summer breeze I’ll hear her voice.

4.

And with every passing cloud She’ll blow a kiss to me.

5.

And when the sun comes up I’ll feel her warmth.

185

6.

Although she’ll be gone She’ll still be with me − Just in a different way. *****

186

y Holiday Love 4-27-2015 Fleeting souvenir loves. _____ 1.

She had always lived in this town And as long as she can remember It had always been a tourist town.

2.

She’d met so many men over the years When they came to town for their vacations That she couldn’t keep count.

3.

While there were many local boys in town That would have been good catches for her She let herself get distracted By the constant number and variety Of good-timing vacationers And always wound up Putting the locals “on hold” Figuring, “they’d always be there.”

187

4.

With the limited amount of time That the tourists had for their vacations She’d have to fall in love very quickly.

But even so There was never enough time In the one week or so that they normally had For anything serious to develop.

And whatever was promised Over music and drinks Or under the moonlight Was just bar talk.

5.

While some kept their promises To stay in touch And did so for some time afterwards It never lasted As she was always just someone’s Holiday or souvenir love.

6.

Like gamblers She knew the odds were stacked against her But believed that she just might get lucky one time And that one of those exciting loves would last.

And also like gamblers She believed that the next pull of the slot machine Just might be the lucky one And she’d hit the jackpot.

188

7.

And so it was and so it went.

Until she was old and all worn out.

8.

So there she was this evening In her little rented room Just off the boardwalk Thinking about all her holiday loves That never worked out And who were just passing through.

9.

There she was now Scanning through All the love letters that she had saved And flipping through The leaves of her photo album That she had hoped one day Would be a family album.

10.

There she was Looking around a room That had no pictures on the dresser, At a phone that never rang, At her empty ring finger, And hearing the make-believe laughs Of the children that she never had.

189

11.

There she was In her little rented room On the edge of town Just off the boardwalk Where the emptiness was crushing, The loneliness was heartbreaking And the silence, deafening. *****

190

y That's All I Have Left Of Him 7-1-2015 On the death of her husband. _____ 1.

I was so much looking forward To growing old with him And spending our final years together.

He was my life And my everything.

2.

But then he died early on me And left me all alone.

3.

During the day It’s heartbreakingly painful From missing him.

And at night It’s worse.

4.

But I don’t complain About the pain of his loss For now That’s all I have left of him. *****

191

y

The Gang’s Not All Here 4-10-2016 Missing my two departed sisters. _____ 1.

It was an inseparable union − A circle of wagons against the Indians − An unbroken chain And something that was indivisible.

It was the gang of us five siblings Forged together though the stress of growing up Under unfortunate family circumstances.

2.

We were always together Both in person And in absentia.

We had an invisible magnetism That kept us joined and strong.

3.

And at every family function The whole gang would be there And we’d feel and silently sing our song: “Hail, Hail, the gang’s all here.”

And if one of us couldn’t make it We felt his or her absence.

192

4.

But then my sisters Chris and Enid died And two of the wagons were gone Which left a huge hole in our circle.

The circle had been broken And the formally happy theme song Had painfully changed To: “Hail, Hail, the gang’s not all here.”

5.

Now it’s only the three of us joined together And who are always the missing the two who were taken And always thinking and painfully aware That the gang’s not all here.

6.

“Hail, Hail, the gang’s not all here.”

Oh how it hurts to sing that new song. *****

193

y Oh Boatman, Please Let Me Off Here 4-30-2016 I woke up with happy tears in my eyes from a dream I had about feeling content at having achieved all that I wanted to achieve in life making it the perfect time for me to go. _____ 1.

Oh Boatman Please let me off on this lovely shore For I’ve gone far enough in this life And feel that it’s time.

2.

And God Although you might not even exist At this unusually content point in my life I’m inclined to believe you do And in all things good.

3.

Oh Boatman Please stop here So that I may kiss God’s cheek That I think I see In the low hanging clouds Just up ahead.

194

4.

Oh Boatman Keep a steady and gentle course For I believe That you’re approaching my starting place And the place to where I must return For like the salmon I can taste the waters of my origin.

5.

Oh Boatman Can you please stop here So that I can take in A full breath of that sweet air That smells like home.

6.

Dear God Take me now When the love and gratitude That I have for my wife and kids And for all my remaining family Is at its highest and deepest.

7.

Oh Boatman You can stop now For I’m seeing the Heavens open up Which is the signal I’ve been waiting for.

195

8.

Oh Boatman You’re close enough to the shore now Where you can easily glide onto it Without any more paddling And stop with just a gentle touch Upon the sand.

9.

Oh Boatman Be quiet and listen.

Do you hear the purring of my heart?

Or is that my imagination?

10.

Oh God Give me your blessing and extreme unction And close my eyes with your holy fingers At this timely moment When the warm beauty of your sunset Is in them.

11.

And gracious God Let the sound of that song bird That I now hear Be the last thing To fill my ears.

196

12.

Oh Boatman Let me off here Feeling good that I have provided For my wife and children And confident that they will miss me And visit my grave And that I won’t be forgotten and alone.

13.

Oh God Let me pass away now With this rare warm memory of my life Wrapped around my heart.

14.

Oh God Let me die tasting these salty tears of joy Which tell me That it’s the optimum time to leave this world And not be tempted to wait And risk a lesser moment.

15.

Oh Boatman Let me bravely face the shadow of death That had always intimidated me For now I see it as a trusted ally Who will escort me to my grave That it has especially prepared for me.

197

16.

Oh God I hear a choir of angels And thank you for that honorable gift To coincide with my passing.

17.

And God Let me smell the flowers of spring And take their fragrances with me To my density.

18.

Oh Boatman Let me hum that lovely song That I now hear in my heart − The song that I heard before But never really listened to.

19.

Oh Boatman Put me on the shore And let me sit in calm reflection Of where I’ve been And what I’ve done in life.

20.

Thank you, God For finally untying the knots That had bound my mind before And allowing me now To fully understand The true and perfect synergy Between life and death.

198

21.

Oh my companion and understanding Boatman Please hand me a pen and some paper So that I can write my loved ones And tell them that I’m safe and happy And have found the peaceful passing That I’d been looking for And having found it That I must embrace it before I lose it Hoping they’ll understand and forgive me For not having said good bye in person.

22.

Oh Boatman Let me swing my legs over the side And step onto the warm wet sand And face the setting sun With no regrets in my heart.

23.

Pull over, Boatman And let me touch a plant and a tree Knowing that I’m touching something That will live on after me.

24.

Oh Boatman Please drop me off on this here lovely shore For I’ve gone far enough in life And feel I’m ready to peacefully close my eyes And say good bye.

199

25.

Thank you Boatman For your kind services.

And as you fade into the distance And leave me on my own I wave good-bye to you And wish you well.

26.

And Boatman Don’t worry about me For I am not afraid As all is as it was destined to be From the very beginning.

27.

Oh God, I see my soul rising now As smoke into the sky Leaving my physical remains behind To be bleached and scrubbed white and clean By the water, sun and sand Until they become relic monuments on the beach − Footprints in the sand − To show that although I have departed I was once here.

*****

200

y The Smell Of Death 6-29-2016 The inevitability of death that comes with life. _____ 1.

Every new birth Carries the seed of death.

2.

As soon as the song of life is sung A funeral march begins to be drafted.

3.

Every sunrise Comes with the inevitability of nightfall.

4.

As soon as a person’s born His shadow appears.

5.

With the first sweet breath of life There also comes the smell of death. *****

201

y But Tomorrow Never Comes 12-3-2016 In a painful limbo. _____ 1.

They tell him − And he tells himself − That “Tomorrow will be better.”

But for him Tomorrow never comes.

2.

So he sits there Alone in his pain and worry Caught in a limbo Of good-intentioned lies and self-deceit Waiting and believing.

3.

These were his only options − His only choices.

4.

So after each day passes He tells himself again That, “Tomorrow will be better.”

But like always Tomorrow never comes. *****

202