Poems of Neil Michelsen Volume Two

f Poems of Neil Michelsen

Volume 2

f

f Dedication To my family

2015

Neil Michelsen

1960

2013

f

f Preface I began writing at home in Brooklyn in 1960 when I just turned 17.

That was the year my mother died at age 44 with my first poem being about her death. I continued writing through and including my years in the navy and after my discharge.

Then there was an approximate 25 year gap in my writing between the early 1970s and late 1990s when I was focused on my career and bachelor years living in New York City and Rio de Janeiro, travelling, getting married and starting a family and then working 7 ½ years renovating our 1894 home in Connecticut.

I started out writing traditional style poetry but then gravitated to blank verse. Many of my poems may be thought of as poetic chronicles or essays as they record my observations, feelings and experiences.

Some poems represent emotional lows that were written for emotional release and may even take the form of private confessions. Many are heavy, personal and serious which reflect the somewhat introspective side of my nature and personality. A number reflect some of the events of my younger, delinquent and wilder days before I settled down.

I thought about excluding certain poems that were not well written, were too personal or revealing or that talked about my youthful indiscretions but decided to include them for completeness which I hope any readers will take into account.

Although not completely satisfied with the quality of many of the poems I had to make the decision to stop making revisions and edits as a matter of practicality.

Between 1960 and 2014 I’ve written approximately 1,500 poems which have been compiled into 14 volumes: 8 volumes of general poems and 6 volumes of poems that relate to my family. Volume 8 is supplemented with poems that relate to the 911 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in New York City on 9-11-2001. A 15th volume contains a master index of all the poems and a 16th comprises an anthology of selected poems.

The poems in this volume go up through 2014. Those written after 2014 are included in subsequent volumes. The poems are presented roughly in the order that were most favored for their poetic style, subject matter or personal meaning to me.

II apologize if any offense is taken with anything I’ve written as that was not my intent. Also, since these poems were not professionally edited, I apologize for any deficiencies in poetic form and for any grammatical, typographical or spelling errors.

It is my hope that these poems, along with my other personal works (i.e. my journals, books and other writings; music compositions; family movies and photo albums; paintings; and various collections and memorabilia) will serve as my legacy and mark in life as well as a personal inheritance to my family.

f Table of Contents No Title and Dedication Preface 1. Cursed Souls Crying 2. Let Me Rest In Peace 3. If Only You And I 4. Moonlight On A Field Of Snow 5. Fog Night 6. We Might Have Gone To Heaven (To Sharon) 7. The Haunted House 8. Only Thinking Makes It So 9. The Beauty Of A Fallen Snow (To Al Capone) 10. I Know The Truth But My Heart Won’t Listen (To Sharon) 11. I Look To This Maiden Fair (To Judy) 12. The Very Mention Of Her Name (On Sharon?)

13. Oversensitivity 14. I Dream I’m On An Ancient Ship 15. Only In The Mind Of Man 16. Contemplation On A Recent Death 17. To An Old Woman 18. The Beginning Of Eternity 19. The Morn 20. Where’s The Justice?

21. The Easy Way 22. The Gas Closed In 23. The Crooked Fingers Of A Winter Tree 24. Still A Faint Contentment Beats 25. Vanishing At Dusk 26. An Easy Take And Killing 27. Dawn Breaks Away From Night 28. The Words Of A Dying Man 29. From Her Loss (On Sharon) 30. All Was Gone − Except The Dark And Scary Night 31. When People Die 32. The Little Light We Carved Out Of The Night

Pg 1 2 4 6 7 9 11 15 16 20 23 25 26 27 29 30 32 35 38 39 41 43 45 46 47 49 51 52 56 58 62 64

33.

34.

35.

36.

37.

38.

39.

40.

41.

42.

43.

44.

45.

46.

47.

48.

49.

50.

51.

52.

53.

54.

55.

56.

57.

58.

59.

60.

61.

62.

63.

64.

65.

66.

67.

68.

69.

70.

71.

72.

73.

74.

Sorrow Is My Vision (To Sharon) Spring Surprise Things That Only I Can See What Am I Still Trying To Prove?

An Early Falling Leaf Turning Points Dragging A Good Day Down Game Over It Was Always Stalking Me False Negatives Going Off His Medicine Finding Land Thank You But I’ll Just Wait The Right Decision After All He Stopped Taking His Medicine The Ocean And The Night The Compassion Of The Moon I Know Not Where You Are (To Gwen) Reincarnation Never Alone A Demon’s Eyes?

A Misty Snow I Saw The Value Of Your Love! (To Gwen) Conspiracy!

On Time And Faults Engrained Free To Love (To Helen) Return To New York City On Man And Nature Past Wounds Have Done Their Damage Here It’s Over (To Gwen) Caught Between As Sorrow Has Decreed The Surprise Marriage (On Nancy Salomons) The Girl Who Just Disappeared (To Barbara) Only As A Lover Should (To Helen) Wind, Tell Me Of A Coming Love Fog Night I In Turn Will Shatter Hers (On Gwen And Carol) I See My Side Is Empty (To Gwen) When She Began To Play Impressions Of Winter And Helen (To Helen) And It All Began From There (To Barbara Jane –“BJ”)

67 69 70 73 75 77 78 79 81 82 83 85 87 88 91 93 96 97 99 100 101 105 106 108 109 111 113 115 117 118 120 122 123 125 127 129 130 132 134 136 138 139

75.

76.

77.

78.

79.

80.

81.

82.

83.

84.

85.

86.

87.

88.

89.

90.

91.

92.

93.

94.

95.

96.

97.

98.

99.

100.

101.

102.

103.

104.

105.

106.

107.

108.

109.

110.

111.

112.

113.

114.

115.

116.

Thoughts On Watch At Sea I Showed You The Stars (To Bich-Thuy) Thoughts At Sea During The Mid-Watch She Has Sprung On Me Like A Cat (On “BJ”) Please Forgive My Haste (To Bich-Thuy) Bending Slowly Thoughts At Sea Made Me Sad Frost Ring I Stopped My Mind On You (To Bich-Thuy) The Full Weight Of Night We Used To Fly Like The Stars (On Bich-Thuy) A City Fog When Others Were With Their Friends I’m All Too Serious This Yellow Sky At Dusk China Dawn (On Pei Pei Lin) When Thuy Was Next To Me (On Bich-Thuy) The Fingers Of The Trees – The Corals Of The Sea The Rope Walker Bangkok At Dawn He’s Hit Edge Walker Trees In Spring Not Missing Anyone Working On My Comeback The Herd Moved On My Music Means So Much To Me Moving Ahead But Falling Behind All Of A Sudden I’m Missing Her Mother (On Esther) A Name Embedded In My Heart (On Sharon?)

Not To Be Tampered With Please Don’t Make Me Say It Almost There A Mural Sunset His Alfred Hitchcock Type Of Plot Who I’m Not All Ready For Bed My Bookends Don’t You Ever Say That I Don’t Love You The Unknown Soldiers His Little Plastic Pill Container The Departing Line

141 143 145 146 148 150 152 153 154 155 156 158 160 162 163 165 167 168 170 172 174 179 181 182 184 187 189 191 193 195 196 197 198 200 202 204 206 207 208 209 210 215

117.

118.

119.

120.

121.

122.

123.

124.

125.

126.

127.

128.

129.

130.

131.

132.

133.

134.

135.

136.

137.

Wishing You Were Here So What’s The Point?

Instant Spring Don’t Be Too Nice To Me I Can Wait Boxer, Gladiator Two Open Questions The Straddlers I Only Wish That I Had Started Earlier Can Anything Matter Here On Earth?

Mother Earth The Cabo Frio Light One Pencil’s Worth I Still Don’t Know The Ending It’ll Be You and Your Laws Who’ll Go To Hell That’s Just The Chance I’ll Have To Take I Owe It To The Young Man Who I Used To Be The Minor Keys In Music I’m Not For Everyone Memory, You’re Up To Your Old Tricks Again I’m Going In *****

216 217 218 219 221 222 224 226 229 231 233 238 241 244 246 249 252 255 258 260 263

Poems of Neil Michelsen

f

y Cursed Souls Crying (On Sharon?)

11-13-1962 Feelings about a love lost, perhaps Sharon’s. _____ 1.

While the last embers burn away the night I sit here sullen in bottomless remorse Over the long and overwhelming might Of her sorrowed loss.

2.

I resign myself to the helpless state I’m in − Resigned to just live on as a soul without purpose or result − As a blank coin where neither heads or tails will win − Or as a cursed soul in Limbo crying out and lost in a futile revolt.

3.

The heavy weight of knowing she is gone Presses hard upon my heart so sore and bare.

And as her memory lingers on Its weight is sometimes more than I can bear. *****

1

y Let Me Rest In Peace 6-13-2004 Reconciling after his death. _____ 1.

I remember how your eyes Had hypnotized me And how your hands Fit so naturally into mine.

I also remember How I held your tiny body so close to mine That it seemed to almost become a part of me.

But sadly nothing came of it For you and I were never meant to be.

2.

Since I could never have you in my life I can only hope That when I die you’ll visit where I lay And drop a flower and a tear upon my grave To show me That you’d finally come to realize and regret The love that you allowed to die.

2

3.

And when you look upon The blanket of earth that’s covering me Look deep down and underneath that grassy mound And you will see me looking up at you Into your worn and wrinkled face For I’ve been waiting for this day.

4.

And if you look real close You’ll see the tears that stain my face − The tears of joy so long overdue For knowing that you finally appreciate The love we could have had.

5.

And if you continue looking You’ll also see the tears of sorrow For knowing that it’s sadly Come all too late.

6.

But with your long-awaited visit To my final resting place And the tear and silent kiss you leave As your confession and contrition I can reconcile myself And finally rest in peace. *****

3

y If Only You And I 6-14-2004 Reminiscing about a failed relationship. _____ 1.

If only you were stronger And not such a delicate flower.

If only you were a woman And not the fragile little girl you are.

If only you could have put my mind at ease Instead of just the opposite.

2.

If only I hadn’t seen your face And shown you my heart That made it so easy For you to steal it from me.

If only I could keep you off my mind And not have your memory visit me On so many nights.

If only I could stop pining Over a love That wasn’t meant to be.

4

3.

If only you and I and everything Had been just a little different.

If only Fate had smiled Instead of frowned on us.

4.

So it is and so it shall remain for me Trapped inside this world Of so many sad “if onlys.”

5.

If only Fate had smiled Instead of frowned on us − If only...if only. *****

5

y Moonlight On A Field Of Snow 3-6-2003 The majestic effect of moonlight on the snow. _____ 1.

Moonlight on a field of snow.

I’ve never felt such majesty − Such mystery − Such wonder − As when there’s moonlight on the snow.

2.

What a magic tide of light − What a milky white and gentle glow When there’s moonlight on the snow.

3.

I am its humble and adoring servant And genuflect in reverence and respect Whenever I’m in the soft and regal presence Of moonlight on the snow. *****

6

y Fog Night 8-11-1960 Fog adds mystery and fear to the night especially for unbelievers. _____ 1.

A weighty fog hangs low upon the city at large And the air is filled with a constant barrage Of drizzle, whose coldness will continue to pour As the blackening night matures.

2.

Oh, where are the stars that once were so pin-point bright?

The fog has caught them in its gossamer web tonight And holds them in dull and blurry display Waiting for the night-stalking spider to have them as its prey.

3.

The city’s former crystal clarity has been lost And replaced by a misty veil of fog that has endorsed The eerie spirits of the night and encouraged them to induce All man’s fears and worries that they see fit to introduce.

4.

In the fog, the clamor and noise on these simmering streets Are louder than ever in their rhythmic beats And freeze your heart with a dull and unsettling remorse With every step you take on your dark and frightful course.

7

5.

What are those echoes that you hear?! Are they just footsteps?!

Or are they the sounds rising up from deep and hellish depths Aimed at playing upon your nerves, your mind, and your soul And make you feel so lonely and so awfully cold?

6.

Look! Something’s moving! Oh, it’s only a shadow up ahead.

Were you expecting something more ominous instead?

Why do you quiver at the thought of death?

And why do you think that the next might be your final breath?

7.

As the rain drops slowly pass through the misty city lights They look like crystal hail in their lonesome downward flights.

Down, down, down, they all eventually fall Beckoned by some ancient and mysterious call.

8.

Colors, once soft and warm, are now seduced By some sinister authority and reduced To a shapeless, insipid and mournful glow That frightfully reflects a horrid Hell we think exists below.

9.

The chill of the night continues to steal slowly in Raising up dreadful fears and worries again and again.

Oh Lord, will there ever be any relief From the paralyzing fears of those who have no belief? *****

8

y We Might Have Gone To Heaven (To Sharon) 12-8-1962 A missed opportunity with Sharon.

(Written as I waited for Sharon to get off work at the telephone company at Ave. Y and Coney Island Ave. in Brooklyn.) _____ 1.

Death now seems so far from here − So need we fret or need we fear?

Yes! For it’s coming shortly into view − Coming for me and coming for you.

2.

Let’s try and hold back the sorrows that will unroll Caused by our black and wicked souls That beat us raw and salt our wounds And cast us into our early tombs.

3.

Death impatiently awaits To snatch us from our earthly states And whisk us off at breakneck speed − And to where? − To where our acts do lead us.

9

4.

I can see why you’re frightened so − It’s because you’re not so sure as to where you’ll go.

But now it’s all too late to ask for any help from me For many times before I had offered you my help But you rejected it so callous and off-handily.

5.

Had you accepted my love we could have gone to Heaven And lived happily ever after, just the two of us together.

You could have saved us from this odious place But you didn’t, and so now we’re here in Hell, face to face.

6.

With all our chances now long past Our fate is permanently cast – A fate that I tried so hard to avoid With the offer of my love, but that you ignored. *****

10

y The Haunted House 10-26-1960 Four tragic spirits haunt this house. _____ 1.

Four gruesome deaths befell this house one day − Three murders and a suicide whose images would forever stay.

The house is now possessed from window to door By those who died and who now reign inside its haunted store.

2.

Dust lay thick all throughout the house.

The floors are weak and can hardly bear the weight of a mouse.

And the dusty mirrors that are scattered everywhere Reflect past horrors that are hard to bear.

3.

The winds blow swiftly through all the broken window panes And the lost lives of his family that this man had claimed All cry out with the hell-filled songs of their brutal deaths From the attic’s height to the cellar’s depth.

4.

Eerie shadows shrink and swell And all the corners have the dirty smell Of vermin that live behind the walls And bustle in their filthy little hidden stalls.

11

5.

The house is in shambles and fit for none Except for all those ghostly ones Who dwell about its horrid ruins − The ones who he sent sadly to their early tombs.

6.

Before all the present dust had accumulated, there lived A lovely family of four, each of whom had an equal bid On life and love In that stately house on the hill above.

7.

Even while his wife and children were Dining with him, that wicked cur Was planning their murders thrice Coaxed on by the Devil’s evil and foul advice.

8.

The first to die was his wife, on that brutal night, Who he cruelly poisoned. Oh what a gruesome sight It was, for she died slowly, all cramped up with pain Never suspecting her husband’s plan insane.

9.

Then, to the eldest daughter of his two children He turned next and savagely bludgeoned.

What was it that was inside his sick demented head?

She lived and laughed but now she’s horribly dead.

12

10.

Then by a long silk scarf his second and youngest daughter died.

In a desperate but feeble attempt she screamed and tried To get away, but to no avail, for all her cries he quickly muffled Until she, like the other two was also murdered.

11.

Now he was alone in a sad dead-silent domain Haunted on each and every physical and ghostly plane By the screams and moans of those no longer there Which in time became all too much for him to bear.

12.

“Go away!”, he panted with sweat pouring down His brow that was all contorted with horrid frowns Etched there by the memories of his hideous deeds And the ghosts of his victims and their final anguished pleas.

13.

No other thoughts but those of self-destruction Now occupied his head for they were the mad instructions Of guilt that now began unfolding − “You must now join them!”, was his scolding.

14.

He looked to his own death now to relieve his despondent state And began preparing a noose and could hardly wait.

His own suicide could no longer be restrained For he was determined to rejoin his family once again.

13

15.

Then he hung himself as his turn had finally come And all the tragedies of that old house were now completely done.

Not one of them was now left alive And so no one further was doomed to die.

16.

And just as he had planned, they were once again all together In that old house where they’d all now live forever.

To him, the house and family were exactly the same Except that now, it was only their airy spirits that reigned. *****

14

y Only Thinking Makes It So 12-10-1962 Right and wrong exist only in the mind.

(This title comes from a line in Shakespeare’s “Hamlet.”) _____ “What is right?

And what is wrong?”

These are the questions we forever tow.

But only in our conscious and troubled minds Can such questions be born and grow For nothing’s either right or wrong − As only thinking makes it so. *****

15

y The Beauty Of A Fallen Snow (To A Neighbor, Al Capone) 12-16-1962 The love of winter and a beautiful snow.

(Al Capone was an older Brooklyn neighbor who I occasionally talked with about music, religion, philosophy and other topics.) _____ 1.

I looked up into the Sky as I never had before And thought about the massive power that Nature keeps in store And that can easily be unleashed in one felt massive blow Upon our poor and helpless Earth below.

2.

Its brutal force can at any time be released For there’s no treaty between man and Nature to be breached So it’s free to rant and rave in any way and any where Even to the extent that no man or structure would be spared.

3.

Devastation can so easily come And keep us, each and every one, In paralyzing fear. But we mustn’t always keep this weight upon Our souls, but rather look for better things beyond.

16

4.

Nature’s not only something to be feared For included in it, is the dear And lovely Summer Rain whose silver drops often roll So sweetly down my face during my frequent midnight strolls.

5.

And also there is the rolling Fog beneath my feet And the yellow glow of Luna’s nightly treat And the whispering Wind’s melodic croon All of which excite my thoughts to their fullest bloom.

6.

And against the Sun, the Clouds are there To spare me from its sharp intrusive glare.

And after Summer’s baking heat I welcome Winter’s cold reprieve when once again we meet.

7.

Winter is to me a special gift of Nature With its air so crisp and pure.

And with its arrival, it fills up my waiting Soul With all the wonders that it does hold.

8.

And best of all of Winter’s promised fate For which my hopeful Heart does patiently await Is the surprise and candid arrival of a lovely Snow Falling freely, soft and gliding slow.

17

9.

Oh that lovely Snow of glistening flakes that descend and float And blanket everything within its scope Adorning everything that an appreciating eye can see − Houses, sidewalks, bushes, lawns and trees.

10.

Like Souls set free The icy Snowflakes land randomly Wherever they choose to fall Minding only the Winter Wind’s driving call.

11.

They are the honored guests at this year’s Winter’s Gala Ball And gaily banter here and there in Winter’s Hall − That cold, cold space between the Earth and the Sky − And where across its ballroom floor they’ll gracefully fly.

12.

And when the Snow has fallen in adequate release Its arctic beauty eases my worries and gives me a sense of peace.

And oh what excitement comes as the Snow all flies And what glory it bestows on every place it finally comes to lie.

13.

When the Snow has stopped and lays heaped up clean and calm All the land becomes as quiet as a softly spoken psalm And where it will anxiously await the blessing of the Night When the lovely Moon will crown it with its soft angelic light.

18

14.

Oh this Heaven-bred and lovely site Releases all the chains that are normally so tightly Wrapped around my burdened heart Which it all too often is forced to cart.

15.

My personal view is all that I can give But one that I’ll keep so long as I shall live That the Snow for me will always ease my worries and my fears And I’ll welcome its presence, whenever it appears. *****

19

y

I Know The Truth About Her But My Heart Won’t Listen (Sadness Has Me Caught) (To Sharon) 2-23-1963 Preferring to remain in a painful dream. _____ 1.

In these darkest hours towards the end of Night Is when the most painful thoughts of her are all reborn.

It’s in these hours when I most have to fight Her scourging image just before the Dawn.

2.

I’m always happy when I see her face − Yet a small tear refutes this little lie That I need to make to reinforce and brace My broken heart so as not to cry.

3.

A consoling soul she’ll never be for me For her nature isn’t cut that way it seems.

But yet strangely in my dreams, she’s still the angel that I see.

Too much to dream, you ask? Never too much for love to dream!

20

4.

While I lay here silent and numb I know she hardly ever had a caring thought for me But yet her face is all that I can see And so to empty dreams of her I sadly still succumb.

5.

Whatever share of love I ever got from her was never very fair For I gave too much to her compared to what I received Which was only a fleeting bit of love as light as air But just enough to make my pining soul hang on with no reprieve.

6.

All the bad things that I knew about her didn’t register in me − For I wouldn’t let them! So no effort did I make To correct my thinking and untie the knot that would one day free Whatever was binding hope and love from their escape.

7.

The reasons for my love for her no logic can I find And as foolish as the case may be It seems I’ll forever grapple with this painful kind Of dilemma and never get myself completely free.

8.

About us, I know the painful truth But my heart won’t listen or care to face it For my desirous ambition for her ageless youth Always makes my judgment slacken and force a fit.

21

9.

I don’t suspect that she’ll ever have a single thought for me Unless it was aroused by some selfish theme.

But still, I long to have her and plead To keep her, even if only in my dreams.

10.

The ancient moon of crescent white Knows no burden of a careless thought And kindly offers hope to help soften any lover’s painful plight − But there’s none of that for me tonight, for sadness has me caught.

11.

Long and deep will her image pain My empty, wounded and despondent heart As will this constant and lingering hurt remain For it seems I’ll always love her, as I’ve loved her from the start. *****

22

y I Look To This Maiden Fair (To Judy) 6-25-1963 Judy Theobald was a neighborhood girlfriend of mine.

I always had reservations about our compatibility but at certain vulnerable times I would entertain that thought and possibility. _____ 1.

I’m looking out the window of my room And into the night where I see the scattered squares Of yellow lighted windows randomly strewn About, looking just like paper lanterns suspended in the air.

2.

She’s asleep, two blocks away from here – Here, where I wrestle with my plight − Here, where like a candle, burns my table lamp Long into this dark, dark night.

She’s unaware of the turnings in my head during this ebony watch And of my hopes that maybe I’d be able to accept her love If only I could settle all the internal doubts I have to fight.

I’m always looking for that invisible mystic ring of love That my heart has always strained so hard to catch.

23

3.

Somewhere in the distant hazy mind of mine her figure moves − But is it towards or away from me? The haze eludes.

My vigil has a hopeful purpose: to possibly relieve the fears I bear About accepting the heart and hand of this dear maiden fair Who lives just down the street, so close, and yet so far. *****

24

y The Very Mention Of Her Name (On Sharon?)

5-15-1963 Mixed emotions about a lost love, probably Sharon again. _____ 1.

The city’s precincts are always dressed in morbid gray Which color doesn’t ever seem to wane And is always stirring up in me a heavy somber mood And lately of more frequent fame.

2.

What causes this is the tragedy of a love that has fallen apart Where love and hurt are always looking for each other to blame?

But whatever the cause, I now suffer a piecing pain in my heart At the very mention of her name? *****

25

y Oversensitivity 12-18-1962 I often feel I’m too sensitive about life compared to others.

(Written on the front porch of our family house in Brooklyn where I did a lot of my thinking and writing.) _____ 1.

There are many times when I become convinced That my nature’s very different From those who are of a bolder and more hardened race And on whose heels I follow at an envious and awkward pace.

2.

Compared to others a painful contrast lies Which can be seen by merely looking into my eyes Which will reveal a constant oversensitivity To things that others take in stride and not as I, so heavily.

3.

Is it just my imagination wild at play?

Or is my sensitivity all too real? It’s often hard to say.

But whatever it is, or its cause It feeds me with the symptoms of this painful flaw − And sometimes debilitating − Oversensitivity. *****

26

y

I Dream I’m On An Ancient Ship 2-3-1963 Imagining an adventure on an old time wooden ship. _____ 1.

I dream I’m on an ancient sailing ship Made of wood and rope and canvas sail Sailing far away off shore.

I stand upon the deck of this grand and majestic ship And with every salty breeze, I inhale As much of this sea-born air as my lungs can store.

2.

Each plank and seam of wood creaks As the ship confronts each wave All of which is aimed at testing the vessel’s every seam.

And as every sailor knows on any wooded ship of oak and teak Is to never disrespect the sea, for its heavy foamy mass Can easily crack and break even the strongest of beams.

3.

But as I stand in its sway and rise I become an intimate part of this ancient wood and water world − A magic world with a tremoring surface − A simple world with nothing hidden or disguised.

Clean and pure to the horizon, the sea unfurls Before me with its never-changing, but yet ever-changing face.

27

4.

This breathing, living vital organ − this mighty sea − Pumps my heart and stirs my mind And my soul is taken hold of And for the first time I feel that I am truly free!

Oh how I hope and pray someday, that I will find Myself, sailing on an ancient wooden ship far, far out at sea!

5.

In my mind I can hear the clamor of the men at work; The sound of sea-chants that all sailors learn; The feel of the creaking wooden roll; The call of the gull as she flirts With the wind. Oh, how I yearn To have my dream come true and have it fill my soul!

Oh to sail upon an ancient wooden ship, far, far out at sea! *****

28

y Only In The Mind Of Man 10-30-1960 Perfection does not exist except in the mind. _____ 1.

Where only clear and pristine rivers flow, Where mountains forever wear their crowns of brilliant snow, Where the skies are always clear and blue, And where love never dies and remains forever true.

2.

Where the grass is green and not one strip of brown does show, Where both queens and maids have their equal choices of beaus, Where love everlastingly flows, Where “yes” means “yes”, and “no” means “no”, Where farmers always reap the fullest harvest from what they sow.

3.

Where even the slightest blemish will not show, Where the seeds of hate and corruption are never sown, And where time will stop to relieve a heart’s burdening woes − Only in the mind of man can such perfection ever live and grow. *****

29

y Contemplation On A Recent Death (Conscience) 2-12-1963 Thoughts about conscience prompted by a recent death. _____ 1.

I contemplated on a recent Death: The stiffness of the body’s form, The absence of what was once alive and warm, And the life that had preceded its final breath.

2.

I also thought about the conscious mind That was inside of him and used to be alive And how it probably had to fight its opposing unconscious mind For the direction and the strength that it needed to survive.

3.

A sensitive and thinking man is the man who toils Over what is right and wrong and what is good and bad And also over what should make him happy or make him sad.

Oh how the snake of conscience so often chokes us in its coils.

4.

The possibility of God and judgment creates a fear − The fear of consequences − Which in turn creates our consciences That keep us to the rules out of guilt and fear.

30

5.

Intelligence demands responsibility And conscience welds the two.

Conscience also makes us balance Passion, duty and ability.

6.

The base and ignorant however, are not so plagued and frightened And go on blissfully free of conscience and all its breeding woes That keep the rest of us so tightly in tow.

It’s conscience that keeps us up at night And sets upon us all the restless demons that we know. *****

31

y To An Old Woman 11-1-1960 A missing son returns to his skeptical mother. _____ 1.

Man: Oh mother dear, why have you no smile Upon your face so full and stressed with time?

Don’t you know that I have traveled so many miles To come back to you and give you your peace of mind?

2.

Old Woman: Dear boy, why do you call me mother in your appeals For your face to me is not at all recognizably plain?

Though my eyes are keenly peeled I only see you as some stranger talking half insane.

3.

Man: Mother, I’m your only son who has returned and whose only aim Is to bring to you your peace of mind By relieving your heart of the heavy chains Of your lost son’s memory that I now have come home to release.

32

4.

Old Woman: Crazy talk! You’re not the son of mine I see For my son, I’ve been told, has been devoured By the ravages of a vicious storm at sea And by which news my heart’s been so fully soured!

5.

Man: No, I was saved from the sea, so mother dear Look deep and hard Into my eyes all filled with tears And you will see me! Look! Look very hard!

6.

Old Woman: I can’t see things all that well these days so I’m not so sure Of anything, for at my age this world is full of baffling mysteries.

So go away and leave me be for I don’t want to see you anymore Or listen to your crazy and confusing pleas!

7.

Man: Mother dear, don’t waiver now For I know you’re close to recognizing me as I can see the signs Upon your wrinkled and doubting brow That your heart is finally, slowly opening to mine.

33

8.

Old Woman: My son! My son! Now I can see you there And see what my deep despair and pain had heretofore ignored!

Please stay with me until the damage of the past has been repaired And what’s been emptied by your absence is fully restored!

9.

Man: Oh mother dear, as a migrating bird returns to its original nest I have returned to you to give you all my love and comfort And to ease your mind, heart and soul distressed So that to unanswered prayers you’ll never again have to resort. *****

34

y The Beginning Of Eternity 11-2-1960 Destined to go with Satan instead of God. _____ 1.

I died last week without uttering a single cry Nor even a final sigh.

“He died so young and so quickly passed away”, Is what I heard my friends and family say.

2.

They buried me a few days ago In a simple coffin nicely varnished and polished for show − Such a waste it was I thought of fine young wood Just to decay as my body eventually would.

3.

This body of mine I no longer need And gladly give it up to all the insect breeds Who will devour me until my soul is all that’s left of me As it waits for Heaven to finally see.

4.

I hear the sounds of all those crawling creatures who now all vie To eat me up so as to keep themselves alive.

And as I lay here in the earth’s cold clay I know that except for my soul I’ll be their easy prey.

35

5.

They squirm around upon their white, slimy and legless bellies Tunneling through their dungeon-dark maze of alleys − Crawling, burrowing and boldly inching near Salivating for my flesh as my body and soul lie helplessly here.

6.

And even before my soul’s departed to its eternity Those horrid, blind and mindless insect beasts will feast on me.

Ha! It won’t matter none, for my soul will later be whisked away To that golden place that He has chosen for me to stay.

7.

While I’m waiting here alone I might as well review my past and what I’ve done.

I might as well rehearse the lines that I will tell my Master When He reviews my life and I’m called to justify my past.

8.

I thought and thought, but nothing much to me did come About any good things that I had done.

Nothing came to me − nothing enough worthwhile To offset all the bad things that I found in my blackish file.

9.

Every inch of my memory I did explore But only found the things I know that He’d deplore.

How then can I face Him when He finally comes?

What can I tell Him that He won’t shun?

36

10.

“I’ll tell Him some lies”, thinking that that might get me through Those Heavenly Gates designed to host only the worthy few!

“No! I can’t tell Him any lies! For He knows everything about me And that my earthly life was mostly vile and petty.”

11.

What is it then that I might say to save my blackened soul? − To save me from burning in those Hellish molten coals?

I tried and tried to think but nothing came To me that would help undo or mitigate any of my sins and shame.

12.

In my life I squandered away all my precious chances To compensate for all the evil I have done. So now I have no answers Or excuses, and sadly know that what will follow my short wait Will be Hell’s burning pit rather than Heaven’s pearly Gates.

13.

So instead of God, Satan’s coming for my soul to take And I can hear His heavy footsteps and feel them shake The very earth that holds my coffin here in place While I wait in august fear to finally meet Him face to face!

14.

The Lord is merciful but He won’t be for me For I hadn’t lived the life or been the person He wanted me to be.

So sad I am this day for it’ll be only Satan who I’ll forever know.

And now I hear, Satan’s thunderous voice commanding me, “Come now! It’s time for us to go!” *****

37

y The Morn 11-5-1960 Morning is the best time for hope. _____ With every soft approach of Morn A light veneer of hope is imbued in me That kindly moves: To lighten all my living burdens as well as those unborn; To help me avert the things that I so much do scorn; To strip away the heavy thoughts that I’ve so often worn And move me towards happier ones with a soul reborn; And to help me heal myself whenever I’m hurt and torn.

Oh, what better messenger of these hopeful things than Dawn?

And what better time, than when Hope is at its virgin highest − And when my mind can best pursue Or ask for Hope to fill an empty heart − Than at the advent of the Morn? *****

38

y

Where’s The Justice?

10-13-1962 The impudence of questioning the Creator. _____ 1.

The crying of a hungry baby; The moaning of a dying man; Will there always be such sorrows as these? Maybe so.

“Oh please, where is Our Lord’s promised helping hand?”

2.

Didn’t God know how much dismal pain His creation would make for us and all of its other cruel results?

Couldn’t He see how we’d have to wallow in the mud and the rain Of Life, and suffer all of its sharp insults?

3.

Where’s the justice in this evil world?

To me there’s hardly any trace Of it, as everything seems mottled and soiled With no hope of salvation for our pitiful race.

4.

But who am I to ask for justice here?

Or to question whether it’s wrong or right?

Or to judge His plan only by its veneer?

And for this arrogance, I should be cast into the darkest of nights.

39

5.

Who am I, this mere lowly form of life squatting here on earth?

Who am I to question He who created Light Itself? Am I even worthy of my simple birth?! “Forgive me, Lord, and take pity on my shameful sight.� *****

40

y The Easy Way 10-15-1962 The easy way is not the principle to follow. _____ 1.

The disease that corrupts the mind And morals of an innocent soul Is the laxity of principles, which will always leave behind An empty, gaping and cancerous hole.

2.

“The easy way − the path of least resistance − Is the path a man should travel.”

Such a lowly principle as this has no better essence Than a depraved soul that will surely soon unravel.

3.

The worms of evil Are always gnawing at one’s beauty But they can never pierce the shell of a strong will Ardently obliged to godly principles and to duty.

41

4.

A woman’s purity and her soul as well is dead When both the easy way and immorality are excused By a mislead mind that’s poorly fed.

The easy way should always be refused And rather hard morality Kept first and foremost in your heart and head For the easy way should never be used As it’s the easiest way to drain your soul Until it’s all but dead. *****

42

y The Gas Closed In (On A Friend’s Suicide) 10-22-1962 The death of my friend “Jake” Nutting in a Brooklyn garage. _____ 1.

The constant noise of the motor’s hum Foretold of the poisonous gas that would gradually come And fill his garage and choke to death his solitary soul within.

Was it an accident, something done on purpose or a murderous sin?

2.

Whether he was aware of it − or unaware − Either way, the poisonous gas filled the air And patiently prepared itself to do him in By having a slow and subtle sleepiness come over him.

3.

In a startled daze, we guessed, he suddenly realized his plight And stumbled for the door in august fright.

But Death had already made its deal with Fate So useless were all of his efforts to escape.

43

4.

And as the gas closed in, his lungs did slowly fill Aimed at making its final kill.

Then, with one last gasping breath, fast and deep Death and Fate’s vile contract, was made final and complete. *****

44

y The Crooked Fingers Of A Winter Tree 11-25-1962 Contemplating on the maple tree that was in front of our family’s house in Brooklyn. _____ As I sit on the porch in the cold, cold chill of night I watch the gnarled and crooked arms and fingers of a winter tree Eerily reaching into the sky of freezing ambient light With a purpose not to question anything, but only just to be. *****

45

y Still A Faint Contentment Beats 2-24-163 Finding contentment where you can. _____ 1.

Thank god for all the city’s trees that hold their noble postures Soldier-like against the nimbus sky.

These loyal and distinguished battle-tested soldiers all have my Deepest respect for their bravery and their august statures.

2.

In the city, only specks of life exist – no woods or rolling lawns − No lakes, no mountains, no open sky.

Life can’t ever flourish here and what little does can easily die For here in the city, Nature’s rare offspring often come still-born.

3.

But even in the face of Nature’s stark assaults and hard defeats I hold on to a precious subtle peace For in my heart a faint contentment beats Just because I’m in the noble company of these stately trees. *****

46

y Vanishing At Dusk (Night’s Arrival) 7-2-1963 The gift of Night introduced by Dusk. _____ 1.

The Day is slowly yielding to the persistent Dusk Ceding all its brilliance to her call.

With Dusk now invading, All the former glory of the Day is fading.

The Day has seen the height of her reign and the start of her fall And is slowly abdicating to the succeeding Dusk Whose colors are becoming more subtle and vague in their hues Obscuring any clarity of view.

Oh this dual personality and schizophrenic substance called Dusk Where both Day and Night remain stubbornly installed.

2.

Whatever harmony there was at Dusk, between Day and Night Soon concedes to Night − that plotting Sovereign Who secretly embezzles Dusk of all its former striking hues Until there’s not a drop of light or color left to view.

As Dusk begins to lose, Night begins to win.

The time has come for Dusk to fail And Ebony’s swarthy bosom to prevail For nothing can stop the inevitability of Night.

Nothing can stop its slow but persistent transgression.

47

3.

The once-hot winds of Day now congregate In the sanctuary of the trees Enjoying, from the blazing Sun, the respite Given them by the sacrament of Night.

And in the hallowed chambers of the trees, the leaves All calmly engage in their never-ending nightly debates.

Their rustling voices are all the ear will meet As they chant with their ghostly gossamer beats.

Such a contrast to the Day’s clear and open state Where secrets can never be told, but rather must wait For Night and whispered to Her in confidence in its gentle breeze.

4.

Oh Night, you conjure up scary images in monstrous proportions In our minds, taking cruel advantage of our lack of sight.

But you also shelter us from the unpleasant sights of Day And protect us from Vision’s sharp and venomous teeth That bite us with reality and kill all our hopeful fortunes.

And for this we thank you, Night − thank you for that kind relief.

And Night, we also thank you for bringing to our ears The harmonies of all the sounds and voices in full array Of a million caroling insects that are so much more exciting In your ebony setting than they ever could be arranged by Day. And finally Night, we thank you for arranging these nightly choirs To begin their glorious symphonies the very moment you arrive. *****

48

y An Easy Take And Killing 11-11-1962 A murder during a home burglary gone bad. _____ 1.

An old man lay down to sleep While under a nearby street light Two surly crooks did meet To plan their evil for the night.

2.

The perpetrators were trying to concur As to how the old man’s riches they could steal.

“An easy take”, one said, to tempt and stir The other one on with the simplicity of the deal.

3.

As they entered his house not a word was spoken So as not to waken him.

But accidentally, they broke A little window vase as they went in.

49

4.

The old man woke and sat up in rigid fear Then climbed out of his bed to look around While the intruders stood still and ever so near Waiting and listening for the old man’s approaching sound.

5.

And when the old man engaged the intruders in the parlor He was met with an ugly and crushing blow Which felled him to the floor − Oh how the blood from out of his head did flow.

6.

Gripped with fear they both took flight And ran and ran so fast And were quickly absorbed by the streets and the asylum of night While the old man squirmed in pain as he breathed his last.

7.

So fast and easy did it come − The death of this poor one.

An “easy take” gone bad, by these callous and ugly two, so bent On stealing from this old and harmless innocent. *****

50

y Dawn Breaks Away From Night 6-3-1963 Continuous escape and recapture. _____ 1.

With the advent of the Dawn The Day finally breaks away from Night And bursts its sudden glow Upon the waiting world.

Once again, it had escaped from that ebony Charlatan of Night Who held her captive, as well as the whole world too, In its sleep of paralyzing darkness.

2.

But never can that lovely Day Enjoy her freedom to any great degree For Night begins to stalk her from the very moment she is free So, by the time Dusk arrives, she’s so exhausted that she Doesn’t have the strength anymore to flee.

And so, once again, she becomes the hostage prisoner of Night.

Oh sorry is the plight Of Day, to be always stalked by Night, so incessantly. *****

51

y The Words Of A Dying Man 7-8-1963 A truth-seeker queries a dying sage. _____ 1.

An old man lay dying in his bed With his skin all pale and dry upon his furrowed head.

The imminence of Death was evident, for there In his eyes, was only a blank-eyed stare.

2.

For his entire life this room had been his only place of rest As its dismal state did so attest With all his life’s possessions piled up and strewn around.

And within the quiet, you could hear his laborious breathing sounds.

3.

Beside him sat a figure dressed in dire garb In witness to his Heart’s faint and weakening throbs.

As the old man spoke his voice did often break And his bony and sinewy fingers all did shake.

4.

His pale blue orbs had to them, a glass-like stare As his visitor searched that crystal pair.

Though he searched them deep there never was revealed A trace of fear in them even though they’d soon be forever sealed.

52

5.

Then he uttered, in a calm and deliberate flow These words, “I’m not so alone as you may think you know; For within this wizened, old and dying shell I have the company of a peaceful Mind that can never be expelled.”

6.

After a pause of silence overtook that one-room flat It stirred the guest to speak as by his bed he sat: “Dear sir, please go on and tell me more of what I long to hear − Of the Wisdom you found in life while you’re still alive and here.”

7.

Then the old man glanced up at the ceiling bare And you could see he was going back into his Past’s long fare: “I’ve lived my life and to my Conscience I always did heed And thusly I never became too attached to any earthly need.”

8.

“From earthly squalor I’ve never been free And have experienced some of Life’s worst Miseries.

But now on the fringe of my Death, and the end of my Affair With Life, I’m content with what from it, I was able to ensnare.”

9.

“Please, sir”, the guest repeated, “Please tell me more So I can fill my thirsty mind and my barren Soul restore.

My life’s so young and starved and little more than waste Compared to what nourished you, and that I now want to taste.”

53

10.

The old man replied, “The evolution to my contented state Was all done consciously, leaving nothing to Fate.

And all my Riches came when I myself denied Any kind of earthly estate and put all my selfish claims aside.”

11.

“The Wealth that fills my Soul All came from my triumph over all that was Weak and Foul.

And to always rise, stand erect, and never grovel Is the path that I chose to travel.”

12.

“Even though the earthly rich all laughed at me and put me down Through self discipline I accepted it and even wore it as a crown.

And from all of it I became even better For from the chains of Hate and Anger I did myself unfetter.”

13.

“So too, the chains of Greed, Envy and Pride

By Truth, were all broken and cast aside.

And with each insight into Truth, the wealth of my estate Continued to accumulate.”

14.

“I also held no man above me as my guide And I surely never looked down on anyone in Pride.

I followed the way that my Conscience had lead And told me to, so now I lay contented on this my dying bed.”

54

15.

“All men must within themselves instill The simple qualities of Honesty and Truth to conquer Evil.

My worldly Life had once enslaved me But when I fully took Truth into my Heart, I was freed.”

16.

In a tiny chapel, this old man’s body now lays And near it, his lone companion kneels and prays.

And as the plain and simple coffin sits upon the bier That lone companion sheds tear after sorrowful tear. *****

55

y From Her Loss (On Sharon) 12-7-1962 Lamenting the break-up with Sharon and debating if I should try getting back with her. _____ 1.

Looking back at all the paths that I have traveled Some were pleasant and some were filled with strife.

But no path that I can recall had me so unraveled As the one that brought me to her loss For she was, it seemed, my life.

2.

When the shiny moon hangs in its pallor hue And is muted by a cloud that passes by And briefly hides within its shadow and my teary view It’s then I fully know that she is gone and how alone am I. 3.

And when I dwell among my ruins And think of past and future things It’s then I fully know that to all my future fortunes She and Fate will smother any joy that they to me might bring.

56

4.

And when I think that I should make amends With her, my angry mind rebels.

But later, that thought my sorrowed heart defends For the pain of her loss I need so badly to expel. *****

57

y

All Was Gone − Except The Dark And Scary Night (Bryant Park, New York City) 7-15-1963 Through a demon woman’s eyes he witnessed the vain attempt of two dark angels to escape from Hell. _____ 1.

Arriving with the subtleness of a misty rain She, with hardly a sound, came Riding in on the whispers of the night With her curved pinions in soft and gliding flight.

2.

There along a deserted railroad track With rodents in every nook and crack She sat alone upon an old wooden crate Among the weeds of summer late.

3.

I noticed something strange about her presence: Her eyes were radiating light – not so intense − Just a little bit − And just enough for me to notice it.

58

4.

As a moth to a flame I came near − Near enough so that into her eyes I could better peer.

And as I searched within those eyes, my eyes befell Sights and sounds that I’m now about to tell.

5.

Her eyes were like two open ports − Two scopes of odious sorts − Two polished wells that were deeply bored Into some hellish, dismal and subterranean dungeon ward.

6.

The dungeon that I saw was a hollow cave The walls of which were chiseled out of stone, save One grate of crisscrossed iron bars which sealed A pit of tortured souls, all screaming out their horrifying appeals.

7.

A table on the side of this cave caught my view Where sat two of Satan’s dark angels who − With sable cloaks as their identifying traits − Were devising a plan both bold and desperate.

8.

From half-closed slits, peered out their sunken eyes, Amidst an orchestra of suffering and pleading cries.

One hunched over and put his forearms on the table Encouraging the other as much as he was able.

59

9.

“Bilial"*, he said "No longer causes my soul to quake For I’ve learned the secret words that will His spell now break − The spell that binds us here in this prison chasm deep And when broken, will give us our freedom forever to keep!” * Satan 10.

“Too long have we catered to our evil urges And labored at our diabolical purges As torturers of sinners’ souls And as bellowers of His flaming coals.”

11.

But as soon as his cohort’s nod he did win There was heard a loud and all-consuming din Which smote these swarthy creatures twain With horrid and contorting pain.

12.

Then, the Satan-Demon laughed, as few can do, “My clever trap was sprung on you, you traitorous two For I knew you’d plot against me and so I let you fall So I could quaff all the more your pitiful mercy calls.”

13.

Then these two discovered souls cried with such horrifying sounds That I felt their every pain as their hearts did unbearably pound.

I saw them trying desperately to get out of their Hellish pit − Trying, trying with so many futile and exhausting tandem fits.

60

14.

While the claws of the Devil-Demon they tried to avert They pitifully continued to blurt Out those spell-breaking words but to no avail As all their incantations were doomed and proved to fail.

15.

Then a gang of soldier demons rough and bold Took them both and threw them into a deep dark dungeon hold And locked them behind a massive iron gate Where they’d forever suffer their doom to the Devil’s sate.* * satisfaction 16.

As she tired from telling her tale, her eyes slowly turned inky dark Except for a little remaining dim lit and muted spark Of light that then, suddenly, burst into a blinding light!

And when I recovered my senses and my sight She and everything was gone – except for the dark and scary night. *****

61

y When People Die (They Take It With Them To Their Graves) 7-17-1963 We should purposely leave something of ourselves behind.

(This is the theme of a book I plan to write and publish.) _____ 1.

When people die They sadly fail to leave behind Much of anything personal about themselves But rather “take it with them to their graves.�

2.

All the things they never shared with anyone − All the things they never thought to record: Their private hopes and dreams; Their plans and aspirations; Their sorrows and their disappointments, Their achievements and their failures; Their fears and worries; Their experiences and opinions; And the big and small stories of their lives Are all taken with them to their graves And lost forever To the loved ones they leave behind.

62

3.

Unless we have the foresight And take the time and effort To record at least Some of our private thoughts and feelings So many precious and personal things about our lives And about ourselves as people Will be sadly and for shame Buried with us in the ground.

4.

So when you die Don’t take all of it with you – Don’t take it with you to your grave − Either by plan or happenstance.

Don’t deprive your loved ones Of the rich personal inheritance That you could have otherwise left them.

5.

And also don’t deprive yourself Of a your own legacy And a chance for some modest immortality By always leaving Something personal about yourself behind As both your mark in life And by which you’ll always be loved for And remembered by. *****

63

y The Little light We Carved Out Of The Night 1-8-2006 Someone ruining even the memory of a lost love. _____ 1.

All he wanted Was to salvage something from the past − To save that little candle’s worth of light That they had carved out of the giant Night.

All he wanted to know Was that their past feelings Had at least some lasting value And that it wasn’t all for naught.

All he wanted to know Was that what he’d felt back then Wasn’t just some figment of his imagination.

All he wanted Was to see in her Some reflection of himself As the young man that he used to be And the love they used to have A long, long time ago.

64

2.

But no Not even such a simple little thing as that − Not even a slight remembrance or reminiscence Of how things used to be with them Would she allow.

Once again she had to turn a good thing Into a bad thing as she always had.

She had to say, “No” Instead of, “Yes.” She had to go and tell the children That there wasn’t any Santa Claus, That the big bad wolf had eaten Grandma, And there were scary goblins hiding underneath their beds.

For what? For why?

3.

All he wanted Was a graceful ending to their story − Something to cap off all the many years of feelings That they had for one another − Some simple little special friendship That represented in some small way All that they’d been through together − A discreet testament That all that time and effort Was for something − A happy ending to a story − A fitting epitaph − At least something − But no She couldn’t let that be.

65

4.

All he wanted Was to save that fledging little flint-born spark That they had ignited against the giant Dark.

But no She, just like always, wouldn’t have it.

She just couldn’t blow on that souvenir ember And keep it alive As a simple and innocent remembrance of the past − As a simple reminder Of how that struggling little bit of light Had stood up to the Giant Night That had surrounded them In the earlier years of their love And showed it That it couldn’t always have its way.

But no She wouldn’t allow that little weak and infant light Any chance of life So that they could have a look at it again As a small nostalgic keepsake Of a lost but beautiful love.

No, instead She had to go and snuff it out.

5.

So now: The Giant Night has won and the forest is all dark, There is no Santa Claus, Grandma’s been eaten by the big bad wolf, And there are scary goblins everywhere. *****

66

y Sorrow Is My Vision (To Sharon) 1-16-1963 Sharon’s vision and memory still pains me. _____ 1.

Be gone, oh spirit of my lover’s face!

Can’t I ever rid myself of you and your painful presence?

Must thou come both at Dawn and Dusk And hover over me with such spiteful frequency?

2.

Her loss is mine and I will have to bare its brace − A brace that around my heart fits so perfectly And keeps her image chained to me So firm that I can’t release it and ever be free.

Oh, how Sorrow has cast her shadow over me.

3.

She has felled me And I lay wounded on this desert floor Where the roaring Ghost Vulture Of her sad and piercing memory Will pick at me alive Until there’s nothing left of me.

67

4.

This nasty beast of prey Never hears my pleas for mercy So I shan’t expect any relief But rather, only endless pain and grief.

5.

Her haunting Vision appears almost everywhere − Both in times of rest and in times of toil − And every one of them only deepens my despair Until it reaches my tender heart and eats it out alive.

6.

Death, come quick And save me from her Vision That always comes stabbing at my heart With its cruel and deep incisions.

It seems that Sorrow Is my new and only Vision now. *****

68

y Spring Surprise 3-22-2012 Spring sneaks up on us. _____ 1.

Yesterday All the trees and bushes were bare and colorless And the grass was dead and brown.

2.

But by morning The trees were full of leaves And everything was green.

It were as though Nature had worked all night Just to surprise us when we awoke.

3.

The day before Everything was dead and colorless − Like a black and white photograph.

But by morning Everything was alive and in full color.

Spring had come − Overnight. *****

69

y Things That Only I Can See 3-24-2012 A blind man can see things that a sighted person can’t. _____ 1.

Because I’m blind I have less competing distractions And can see the different and deeper aspects of things − Just like you can to some degree When you close your eyes and concentrate hard.

2.

You can force yourself to do it But you can’t do it for long Or in any depth.

But for me It all comes easy.

3.

I have a kind of night vision That opens up the dark And makes it Not the dark and frightening place That it is for you.

70

4.

In the quiet passive patience of my blindness Things search me out Whereas with you When you grope for them You so often scare them away.

5.

Being blind I’m not so threatening And so insight, awareness and vision come to me Without my asking.

I have their sympathy and their trust Which allows me To engage in a unique and intimate exchange Which is not available to you.

6.

I’m not a clumsy, noisy giant like you Stumbling all around.

Rather I float or am carried and find my way Through a kind of telepathic force Like that of magnetism or gravity.

7.

I don’t have to search for words, Ask awkward questions, Or beg for answers For with the special insight I have in being blind Things just seem to come to me Naturally.

71

8.

While I can’t see what you can You can’t see what I can see For I see other things That are immeasurable Distances, depths and dimensions away from you.

9.

So close your eyes and open your mind And I will try to share with you Some of the things That only I can see. *****

72

y What Am I Still Trying To Prove?

3-31-2012 Still trying to prove my worth. ______ 1.

Here I am, almost 69 years old Looking for a job.

What am I trying to prove?

What am I still trying to prove?

2.

You’d think I’d lighten up by now After having worked for more than 50 years.

You’d think I could But I can’t For I still feel That I’ve got a lot more productivity Left in me.

3.

This feeling could also result From some feeling of guilt That since I’m still mentally and physically healthy That I should be working And that I’ll be judged as a slacker if I’m not.

73

4.

And this feeling May be the same old feeling That I’ve always suffered from − The worry about how others will judge me And how I’ll judge myself.

5.

In a way I’m like a convicted man Trying to prove his innocence And clear his name.

6.

In many ways It’s only in my mind But that’s the worst place that it could be For that’s where it gets its power and conviction And where so many of my other compulsions are born.

7.

So here I am, at age 69 Looking for a job And not knowing why But at the same time Knowing exactly why. *****

74

y An Early Falling Leaf 6-29-2012 Thoughts about a leaf that fell in Summer. _____ 1.

I noticed a yellow leaf falling to the ground.

It was only just the middle of Summer And too early for a Summer leaf to die.

2.

How embarrassing it must be To be such an early wash-out In front of all the others − To be the only one Who couldn’t hack it.

3.

I also noticed that no other leaf was willing − In sympathy, compassion or support − To accompany it in its fall.

Rather they all just hung there In their aloof and secure positions And watched As their brother fluttered to the ground Alone.

75

4.

And as I watched I identified with that leaf Feeling all of its embarrassment, pain and regret For I saw it In many ways As representing me. *****

76

y Turning Points 7-3-2012 Everything has a turning point. _____ 1.

Don’t rejoice too soon or too much As things will always take a turn For the worse.

2.

Don’t expect the light to remain For it will gradually fade And abandon you To the dark.

3.

Enjoy the moment But be prepared for the turning point For everything has a turning point − Night will always follow Day. *****

77

y Dragging A Good Day Down 9-14-2012 Unable to enjoy a good day for what it is. _____ 1.

Why is it That even on a clear bright day I’m watching the sky For things to change?

2.

Why is it That I just can’t seem to enjoy the day For what it is And not be preoccupied With what it might deteriorate into?

3.

Why is it That I have to drag a good day down today With thoughts of a bad day that might come tomorrow?

Why can’t I just take a good day At face value And leave it at that? *****

78

y Game Over 3-2-2013 The potential for complete destruction. _____ 1.

Humanity has evolved So fast and furious That we’ve created the capacity To destroy ourselves.

2.

All the social advances That we’ve achieved Are threatened by the weapons That we’ve made in tandem with them.

3.

In a game of chess All the brilliant moves we’ve made Can be negated By one single move − Check mate!

79

4.

And just like in a game of chess We now have the capacity To destroy All the social advances That we’ve made And all the good things That we’ve accomplished With one check mate move.

5.

One check mate move − On purpose or inadvertently − Can result In our catastrophic end.

6.

One checkmate move Could toll The end of our entire species.

7.

One check mate move And it’s “Game over.” *****

80

y It Was Always Stalking Me 3-14-2013 About mortality. _____ 1.

I’ve always had my mortality on my mind And viewed my Death As either a savior Or a demon.

2.

I’ve looked at Death As either a savior Who would free me from all the worries of this world Or as a demon Who would lead me to the coals of Hell.

3.

Although I’ve never known Whether Death would be My friend or foe I’ve always known That it was always stalking me. *****

81

y False Negatives 6-21-2013 Short-circuited thinking. _____ 1.

When I look at all the attributes I have And all the good things I’ve accomplished And compare them to those Who have more faults Or who have achieved much less than I I’m still not happy with myself.

2.

Logic tells me That I should be satisfied But I’m not.

3.

Something tells me therefore That my genes may be short-circuiting somewhere Resulting in a lot of false negative readings.

Something tells me That it’s time to call a good electrician − If only I could find one. *****

82

y Going Off His Medicine (Life Started It All) 7-24-2013 An ingenious kind of suicide. _____ 1.

He required a lot of medicine Both to keep himself alive And to manage his pain.

Life had not been fair with him.

2.

And sometimes When the effort of constantly taking his medicine Seemed worse than the illness itself He thought about Just ending it all.

3.

But not being brave enough With respect to both his intentions − Much less his actions − To make that hard and definitive decision He chose to make a softer one And just go off his medicine.

83

4.

And as he saw himself deteriorating He knew that he was dying And that it was he who was killing himself Slowly but surely And that it was he who was in control.

5.

He also knew That he had the perfect cover To divert any blame or criticism Away from himself and his decision By just pointing the finger At Life itself Who gave him all his maladies.

6.

Although his thinking wasn’t exactly correct There was a persuasive argument And even justification For blaming Life For what he was doing For wasn’t it Life Who started it all in the first place? *****

84

y Finding Land (On Retirement) 8-10-2013 An analogy on retirement. _____ 1.

Prior to retiring I was like a sailor out at sea Negotiating all the storms and worries Of trying to make a living, Dealing with people, And in between Trying to save for my old age.

2.

All the while I was out at sea I was always looking forward to finding land − Always looking to get off That constantly rolling sea − And retire.

3.

Land − That stable platform Where you’re not always sea sick.

85

4.

Land − A comfortable retirement Where you won’t have to be afraid anymore Of being swallowed up By a growling sea.

5.

Land − That place where you finally see all of Life Fully visible on the surface And not all hidden beneath the waves − That place where you see all the colors of the seasons Instead of only blue and grey.

6.

Land − The thing that every sailor looks for When he’s out at sea. *****

86

y

Thank You But I’ll Just Wait 9-25-2013 Waiting in Death’s waiting room. _____ 1.

“Why are you here?”, The old man asked, “You’re too young to be here In Death’s waiting room.”

2.

“I know”, said the young man, “But I’ve always been early for everything.

So I’ll just wait.”

3.

The older gentleman Having been around long enough Knew that there was more behind it than that But his wisdom and discretion Counseled him not to press it Knowing that We all have our reasons. *****

87

y The Right Decision After All 9-13-2013 A questionable decision reconfirmed. _____ 1.

He’d been depressed for many years And saw no hope that anything Would be any different in the future.

2.

He tried everything To change his way of thinking − To improve his attitude − But they all had disappointing results Which left him feeling even more depressed And even more of a failure.

3.

So he decided to end his life Which he felt Wasn’t worth living anyway.

88

4.

It was a long and see-saw decision process That he went through But what he finally settled on Was something that he was comfortable with.

And just having decided on something Gained him some peace of mind.

5.

So he got into his car And drove up to a spot on the highway Where there was a sharp curve And a big drop off over the cliff.

6.

With the radio playing He felt a calmness inside of him That he hadn’t felt before Reassuring him That it was the right decision.

7.

Then at the designated spot He turned his wheel sharply to the right, Crashed through the wooden guardrail, And was airborne.

89

8.

But at the very moment he heard and felt his car Crashing through that guardrail He was rudely awakened − As if from a dream − For he suddenly had a change of heart And felt that he’d made the wrong decision.

9.

All of a sudden He had a renewed hope in life and a desire to live.

But feeling the wind whistling by him And the zero gravity of his free fall He knew there was no reversing anything now.

10.

And so in his free fall He felt a sense of disappointment in himself In having again made the wrong decision.

11.

But having said that He realized that this last decision of his Was just like all the other wrong decisions he’s made And that he’d probably always be making the wrong decision Which ironically reconfirmed to him That this last decision of his Was in fact the right decision After all. *****

90

y He Stopped Taking His Medicine 9-4-2013 Finding a strange kind of peace. _____ 1.

Every morning after shaving He’d take his medicine Which he depended on to live.

Then he’d get dressed And ready himself to face his day Which he never looked forward to.

2.

While some days were better than others They were never really What he might term Good days.

3.

Many times he thought about ending his life But all the alternatives he thought of for doing so Required the courage he didn’t have In that they were all quick, final and irreversible Which didn’t fit well With such an indecisive person as he was − And besides, they were all too messy.

91

4.

But one day Right after shaving for the millionth time And just before he was about to take his medicine It hit him − That just by not taking his medicine He could overcome all his prior concerns For it would be a death That would be subtle, progressive and clean.

5.

It was an ingenious idea And one that required no courage or hard commitment.

It was the perfect way to go And he wondered why he hadn’t thought of it before.

6.

After executing his plan And knowing that his life would end early It further pleased him to know That there’d be no direct link to him as the perpetrator And therefore no associated blame or guilt on him Which gave him a quiet peace with both himself and the world.

7.

It was a strange and convoluted peace − A compromise peace − An awkward compromise between Life and Death − And a strange combination Of happy and sad. *****

92

y The Ocean And The Night 9-17-1963 Impressions of the moon and ocean. _____ 1.

Night – that ebony curtain Made of sequined stars all randomly strewn Is drawn around the world again And ushered in by a silent silver moon.

2.

Profound and black, the ocean lays East and west as far as the eye can view And there it meets the mirrored moon-spilled rays That shimmer on its surface with their milky hue.

3.

The once-calm sea is stirred Every time that Neptune strolls upon his kingdom’s floor Making large black waves, all incurred By the massive power his pace does store.

4.

And when these waves finally spiral onto the shore They look like coils of moon-lit wires Which are accompanied by loud and thundering roars Whose foam-white billows never seem to tire.

93

5.

And after their collapse they form shiny sparkling panes Of water that fan out swiftly across the sand − Full at first, then thinning of their prior gains Then finally retreating shyly and no longer in command.

6.

Beyond the breakers’ rumbling mane And past the bursts of splashing spray Is where the gleaming moonlight most notably makes its fame − There upon the ocean’s calm and sable surface in beautiful display.

7.

And the stars all look like a million bluish sparks Of fiery hail, cast against the moon-appareled, pitch-black sky.

Oh how these tiny pin-point silver marks Inspire me to flee my earthly roots and among them fly.

8.

The sea-air breathes its salt-mist breath Across the dark immense marine Where the hands of Life and Time and Death Tonight are vaguely joined as one it seems.

9.

In the quiet darkness, the drifting clouds Obscure the moon’s full sight And the ruffled edges of those fleeting shrouds Become embroidered with the lovely lace of lunar-light.

94

10.

The moon, the sea, the air, are all allied And all in harmony.

And as I absorb this lovely sight On this special, special night I can’t but help to make myself believe − For I so much want to believe − That the world is beautiful and friendly And that for so, so long My pessimistic view of it Might have all been wrong. *****

95

y The Compassion Of The Moon (A Sonnet) 10-3-1963 The moon feels compassion for a darkened earth. _____ The moon has spilled her teeming and warm silver brew Upon this sad earth’s swarthy-mantled mold Because she understands just how bleak and cold It is, now that night has set upon the earth its sable hue, And she’ll do everything within her power to ease our minds And comfort us during this, our most dark and vulnerable time.

She’ll swell her walls to their fullest to have her lovely light unfold On us and serve as the hopeful beacon that our hearts can hold Throughout the long and threatening night Right up until the coming of the morning dew.

Our lovely moon touches every single soul and heart Who believes in her. Oh, how she can lift our spirits high Yet at the same time gracefully humble them down.

Oh how our lovely moon can quickly spark Our imaginations and make them fly By simply displaying her pale and ashen light upon the ground.

Oh, if only I could keep her magic forever in my heart. *****

96

y I Know Not Where You Are (To Gwen) 11-16-1963 Pining in Brooklyn for Gwen who is now back in Trinidad. _____ 1.

Tonight, I don’t know exactly where you are, my dear But here I am alone looking at a little star − A single crystal gem that’s silver clear − Knowing that somewhere within its distant reach, you are.

2.

The wintery wind accosts my window pane But it can’t invade the warmth within my core − The warmth that you breathed into it and that will never wane Even though you’re far away, where the tropical breezes pour.

3.

I know I must endure this freezing night in the silence of my room With a raft of worries that bear down on me so heavy and bleak.

But I take some comfort now, with the dawn about to bloom, Dreaming that I’m next to you, where you now sleep.

97

4.

Oh if only I could just appear beside you there I would wake you with a simple kiss.

And when I see your loving eyes appear I’d hold you tight with all the love and tenderness That I had saved for you, while I was here And you were there. *****

98

y Reincarnation 11-18-1963 Belief in a more basic form of reincarnation. _____ Neither Heaven or Hell shall be the final place of rest For my Body and my Soul For when my Body’s worn out from Life’s harsh tests It will be given up to Death unannounced and unadorned And without a bit of ceremony its wizened shell will decompose And foster a million other lives.

And my Soul too, when it passes, will evaporate like a mist And fill the cores of a million new-born lives Just waiting for a soul. *****

99

y Never Alone 12-6-1963 A phantom that will haunt me forever. _____ 1.

When I turned around I swore I saw a shadowy form − A phantom’s form − vague and hardly there.

I also felt upon my neck its fetid breath so damp and warm And sensed its burning stare from out of its fiendish pair.

2.

Never a night has passed where I felt that I was safe and alone Nor a night where my burdened soul did not bemoan This Phantom who it seems will never leave me alone. *****

100

y

A Demon’s Eyes?

(Gramercy Park, New York City) 12-25-1963 By questioning too hard an opportunity was lost. _____ 1.

“Oh, sir! Why doth thine eyes burn like fire?

What secret source do their gleams and glints require?

What latent power doth their light inspire?” ~ But the blazon beads of that blood-red pair Just remained fixed in their fiendish stare.

2.

“Oh silent one of stern and somber fare − And you of rigid, reaching beams I do implore − What are those hellish beacons for?” ~ But that crimson pair never ceased its stare, and pierced Me like the Devil’s own and just as fierce.

3.

“Oh sir, you who hardly speaks a thing for me to hear Don’t stay mute behind your mystic sheer When I ask you what’s behind thy sharp and scorching peer” ~ But the two remained set in their carmine gleam And their fervid glares were worse than Fate could even dream.

101

4.

“Oh sir, whose eyes are evil looking orbs of red Upon the bulging crests of each white bed, If you can’t answer me, then who can I ask instead?” ~ But never did he ever blink those eyes of scarlet strains Whose baneful venom I believe was born in evil veins.

5.

“Oh sir, what dire demon has thus endowed You, with the incandescent coals thy sockets now enshroud And how is it that with them you are so empowered?” ~ But that scary deuce did never dim or wane its glow Or ever yield to name its source as either friend or foe.

6.

“Oh sir, with thy head in hood of sable cowl What is thy purpose and thy place of prowl That hath not spared me from their fiery scowl?” ~ But the sanguine spots upon their bulbs of white Never loosened their lock on me or dimmed their burning light.

7.

“Oh sir, whose sphinx-like spheres of ruby-like gems Emit their glare from their swarthy swollen chasms Will time preserve them or someday dampen their furtive stems?” ~ But my craving queries midst the quiet, hung Unanswered, for the ties remained that bound his tongue.

102

8.

“Oh sir, of occult orbs with fire-shine Why won’t you share with me all the knowledge that is thine?

Why won’t you pass it from your heart and soul and into mine?” ~ But oh that somber mood of his was never released Nor did his demonic silence ever cease.

9.

But then the sparks that were his eyes began to dim And then dimmed further until they became very faint.

And then, apparently, those embers there within Couldn’t hold on to Life no matter how hard they strained And went out when Death could no longer be restrained.

10.

By pressing my queries for his story to be told Perhaps too relentlessly and too hard All my anxious attempts to reach the bottom of his soul Might have worn him out and not mined even the smallest part Of the wisdom that may have laid within his rich clandestined heart.

11.

So sadly, now I’ll never know All the mysteries that he held and that I tried so hard to find.

This opportunity that I lost was a heart breaking blow For I had salvaged nothing of what I had designed To discover and left everything behind.

103

12.

“Oh sir, who owns these piercing pellets that once did glow But now are doused and sunk in Death’s swarthy depot Tell me, will they ever again ignite and come alive once more?

Will they ever grant me the wisdom that I know is in their store?”

13.

My spirits lifted however, when I saw him slightly raise his head But just as quickly, it dropped, and he fell dead − Finally dead this time, with sadly, nothing ever said. *****

104

y A Misty Snow 12-27-1963 The beauty of a light snow. _____ 1.

Oh Look! I see a lightly falling Snow Whose flakes are fine and barely seen And that ride upon every gusty blow And bestow upon this baron earthly scene A lovely new-born white virginity.

2.

I walk amidst the wintery mist and feel upon my face Its biting beads and icy brace.

Snow on, Snow, and cover everything With your crystal powder-lace So that I may have the fullest of this day And the fullest of your white and icy grace. *****

105

y I Saw The Value Of Your Love!

(To Gwen) 3-30-1964 Recognizing the value of Gwen’s love frightened me a bit. _____ 1.

Dear Gwen, I saw the value of your love.

I saw it when we held hands each time we were together.

I saw it in your heart, the heart that held your precious love.

I also saw it in my dreams that we might one day be together. ~ I saw the value of your love!

2.

But being so accustomed to the dark, I shrunk away From the bright light of your love almost in fright For I’d never seen a love like yours come my way That bathed me in such a soft and warming light. ~ I saw the value of your love!

3.

I saw it in your kiss and in the tender color of your eyes − The true love, kind and honest that you offered me.

To receive such a gift from anyone I never could surmise And felt unworthy and afraid to accept it so openly. ~ I saw the value of your love!

106

4.

Your love, my dear, I want and need as a flower needs the sun.

You’re always in my mind and the warmest regions of my heart.

With all the passion of my soul I crave to have us joined as one And from each other, never to part. ~ I saw the value of your love!

5.

Oh Gwen, that I never be the cause for you to ever grieve Is why I hesitate to have you, undeservedly.

I shan’t be satisfied to only give you what from you I will receive But rather, to give you much more than that, from me. ~ I saw the value of your love!

6.

So Gwen, my pure, if you share my view and so approve And if you ever loved me once and now do love me still Be patient as I try to earn your love and my love for you to prove.

So help me with my pursuit to always and truly give you fill For on my life, dear Gwen, I want no one else but you. ~ I saw the value of your love! *****

107

y Conspiracy!

3-31-1964 Feeling that there are both internal and external forces at work. _____ 1.

There are things that can deflate my spirit without a word Of warning − things that are invisible and silent – Things that are never seen or heard And whose origins, I believe, don’t come solely from within But from outside forces who act in unison like demonic twins Who combine their assaults and take their tandem tolls on me.

2.

I think this gloom I often have in me is more than just my doing.

I swear it’s in the shadows and even in the open air I breathe! − I swear Conspiracy!

3.

The Night is alive with living entities That knowingly or not, aim to do no good to me And often become my arch enemies.

4.

It’s not just my imagination or my inner broods That so often put me in my grave and solemn moods I swear there are at work as well Outside forces! − I swear Conspiracy! *****

108

y On Time And Faults Engrained 6-5-1964 False hope that time and maturity will correct things. _____ 1.

How weak and error prone is the human mind.

From the very outset of our youth We create weaknesses of every kind That divert us from the path of decency and truth.

2.

We think that as we age The strength will come that surely ought To convince and rightly gauge Our minds to truth, but it’s all for naught.

3.

As the years slowly glean Upon us, we all too soon come to realize That time doesn’t always make our wrongs come clean But rather spiteful Fate often keeps us dirty in our lies.

4.

The youthful faults we had are sometimes little changed For time doesn’t cure everything and often fails And our faults often mature and become even more ingrained In our grownup hearts where they’ll stubbornly remain.

109

5.

Time does not our flaws replace With a new and unmarred glass But rather, if anything, only resurface Them, doing little more than disguise their caste.

6.

Sin and all the corrupting things That we carried from our past are often little changed now As their roots have taken well and most likely will remain.

Their form, shape, face and name May have changed, but not their essences which in fact now May be even worse because our prior venial sins Have aged and become mortal ones that are more wily and can hide Themselves deeper in our souls where they might forever reside. *****

110

y Free To Love (To Helen) 9-20-1964 When I was in Naval Officers Candidate School I thought a lot about Helen and our affair. _____ 1.

You feel the night around you.

You feel how full and thick it is But also How eerily empty of any sound.

2.

You press your straining ear Against its silence Searching for some reassuring sound That tells you that your lover Is somewhere in the dark.

And then You find her.

3.

Free! Free! You are free!

Free to lie upon your lover’s lap And feel her velvet fingers Gliding along your nakedness That you’ll relive again and again In the dark and lonely nights That lie ahead of you.

111

4.

With every stroke, she breathes a sigh for you And upon your lips she sets her own.

Then her tongue fills your mouth And her naked breasts rub against your chest.

And with that, everything’s unstoppable.

5.

Now you’re there − At the center of the universe − At both the beginning and the end of time − And at the point Where nothing else matters.

6.

Lovers should always give themselves To the soft condoning night.

But while this love we have is rare and beautiful It sadly will not last.

But while it does Each encounter is a precious moment That can’t be replicated Or explained.

7.

Free! Free!

So briefly are we ever so free!

So briefly Do we ever experience such ecstasy! *****

112

y Return To New York City 12-27-1964 Finding unexpected things.

(Some impressions while making my rounds in a number of New York City bars while on leave from the Navy.) _____ 1.

I went to New York City on my Navy leave To look for adventure and for girls And to roam and interweave Though its streets and bars To see what might unfurl.

2.

In the bars I went into I witnessed a range of moods − From those that tried to mask with shallow and deceptive laughs Deep scars of hurt that scream in pain − To songs of open lamentation from anguished brooding Hearts that had, by love, been cut in half And whose agony couldn’t be masked or at all contained.

3.

In these bars I made vague attempts to purge All the effects of my many self-imposed and strapless scourgings.

I also became more aware of how the borders of love and hate Strangely crisscross and mesh themselves with fate And how sometimes pain and ecstasy so neatly plait.

113

4.

In these bars I also saw that life’s events were kaleidoscopic things Where clear thinking may start out that way but then brings Itself full circle by repelling and confusing forces Which meet at junctions opposite to all their original courses.

5.

New York City has many things in common with me Where both sights and sounds, despite having common origins, Can often be at odds or out of phase with one another But yet they often secretly wink At each other Indicating that while different in how they appear to be They’re very much alike and much more than we think.

6.

Similar ironies and incongruities Can also be noticed In that although only glass and concrete Seem to be everywhere If you look you’ll also see Patches of grass, plants and trees Hiding in plain sight everywhere.

7.

And you’ll also notice and come to realize That the sweetest songs and poems Can often be written By the unlikeliest people And amidst the city’s sourest tones. *****

114

y On Man And Nature 1-1-1965 An observation and commentary on nature, life and death. _____ 1.

What childbirths have I ever seen?

What worthwhile memories have I gleaned?

What base of wisdom have I gained?

What of Sorrow’s sores have I retained?

What of Life have I really ever seen?

2.

In what good things am I now engaged?

And what good things have I ever arranged?

Has anything touched me with more than the shallowest register Much less ever reached down deep into my center?

3.

Have I ever risen with the sun And bathed in a cool brook’s morning run?

Have I ever sat naked upon a rock And basked in the Sun’s warm golden frock?

115

4.

Man’s place in this life is always blurred And his true position in the world can only be inferred By studying Nature in every bush and tree he sees And in every breeze that touches him.

But sadly, with only the unreliable instrument of his mind To figure from, his chances of finding himself are very slim.

5.

Nature bore us of her womb And will extend our life well beyond its natural doom Just in a different form, for when we die every single part Of us will live on and assist another life in its struggling start.

6.

The ground, the seed, the plant and the tree Will draw upon what every dead man used to be.

And so, despite any hopes for nobleness or glory in Man’s aim He’ll leave this Life in the same unsung and humble way he came. *****

116

y Past Wounds Have Done Their Damage Here 1-10-1965 Past experience can frustrate future happiness. _____ Past wounds have done their damage here.

They’ve damned my every chance for happiness and joy And dashed any prospect of ever curing my self-destructive fears Which constantly besiege me and are always prowling to destroy. *****

117

y

It’s Over (To Gwen) 2-1-1965 In November, on leave from the Navy, I took Gwen to the pond at Brooklyn College where I told her our love was over which was a very sad and emotional moment for both of us. _____ 1.

It was a heartbreaking pain I felt as soon as I started To tell her that it was best we parted For she always, for me, had carted A beautifully innocent love that I now martyred.

2.

That night, by the pitch-black pond in late November At Brooklyn College, I shall always remember Her sobs, her tears, and her heartbreaking tremors That I aroused when I told her of my love’s dying ember.

3.

Full with tears that our love was now over She replied, “I love you, still.” No nobler Words were ever spoken and never more piercing to me Was the heavy grief that they brought and lowered down on me.

118

4.

A heart-aching question inside of me mounted, “Why is it that my love for her I still doubted?”

This question nagged at me and just couldn’t be routed Nor could my guilt and pain be fully counted.

5.

Never once had her faithfulness to me ever faltered; Nor had it even now ever altered.

So I couldn’t quite understand why my heart had never vaulted To the height of love that her heart for me had so easily haltered.

6.

She cried until her eyes were all surrounded With puffy red rings, for her heart was sorely pounded By my hurtful words that in her still painfully resounded When I told her that my love for her could no longer be founded.

7.

As I awkwardly put my arm around her shoulders I gently, and with tears in my eyes, again told her Of my faded love for her which made the night even colder.

But she said again, “I love you still”, then cried on my shoulder.

8.

The saddest ever was my heart on that cold night in late November Where she displayed that inextinguishable ember Of love for me and the night that I shall always remember.

Why was it that my love for this loveliest of women I could not, for some strange reason, fully render?

This was the saddest my heart had ever been On that cold and painful night in late November. ***** 119

y Caught Between (My Inspiration For Writing) 3-3-1965 If I were content I might never write. _____ 1.

I’m caught in a dilemma: While I’d love to rid myself of all my discontentments I must consider that if I did I might cut off the very source and inspiration For all my writing.

2.

If I cured all my discontentments What fertile things might I sterilize?

Would the cure be worse than the disease?

Would I really be content Not being discontent?

3.

While I may think That I have choices in these matters In all of these considerations In all of these deliberations They might be nothing more Than mute and pointless ruminations For whatever I may think that I can change I may in fact be powerless to change at all.

120

4.

What I am May have been cut in stone A long, long time ago And in fact be unchangeable.

5.

So the dilemma remains Tugging one way then the other With neither side releasing its grip on me And threatening to tear me in two − If my discontentments were to go away What would they take with them?

6.

So I remain with my dilemma − With this bur under may saddle − Annoying and hurting, yet spurring me on.

7.

This is my dilemma That won’t ever be resolved To both my detriment And my favor. *****

121

y As Sorrow Has Decreed 7-25-1965 Sad memories often dominate. _____ Hard and sad memories often deprive my mind of its needed rest And trample any chance I have for inner peace.

Unfortunately and consistently, even the best Disguises I have, betray all my falsely mounted faces − Those of freedom, courage and of peace, for there − incest Within me and all enjoying themselves in shameless lease − Are the ever-courting seeds of fear, anger, frustration and despair That mate and bring forth in me their damaged breed And who all call me their father. Oh how these offspring so overbear On me and make me go as Sorrow has decreed. *****

122

y The Surprise Marriage (On Nancy Salomons) 8-2-1965 Nancy was my next door neighbor in Brooklyn and a kind of girlfriend who surprised me by marrying Eddie Flaherty. _____ 1.

You were just about the same as when I saw you last.

You hadn’t changed all that much to either my eyes or my heart Which made me reflect upon the pain of our confusing past And to weigh again the reasons why our love never did fully start.

2.

If I, a little more, had lent myself to you And if your love for me was as true as you had vowed It was, perhaps we could have joined as one, me and you.

3.

So when I learned that you had married, I questioned Fate: “Had my indecision about you made it hard for you to wait?

Or were we really never meant to be?

Or had your suitor just been so cunning That I never saw it coming?”

123

4.

“Could I have loved you but just didn’t take the time and effort to?

Should I have more aggressively gone after you?

Or was it fortuitous of me to have let things be And to have them find their own way, naturally?”

One could think and think forever And drown in unresolved and endless might-have-beens. *****

124

y The Girl Who Just Disappeared (To Barbara) 8-8-1965 A chance encounter with perhaps a ghost?

(A true story about a beautiful girl of Germanic decent.) _____ 1.

I met her only once and never again since; And all my efforts to find her should probably have convinced Me to abandon any further efforts to find her.

But I can’t, for in my mind her memory constantly recurs.

2.

It was on a subway train when to me she first appeared.

Her chin was down upon her chest and her eyes were full of tears.

She looked so despondent as she prayed her rosary beads And to me her sobs were more like pleas.

3.

With tissue after tissue she dabbed her eyes and wiped her nose And her throat choked back whatever desperate sobs arose.

As I watched her, my heart, in tandem sympathy, shared All her pain and beauty, and the more I saw the more I cared.

125

4.

I followed and caught up with her and offered her my aid.

We walked a while then stopped for coffee where she conveyed To me the story of a jilting fiancÊ Who had let his mother’s disapproval of their marriage stay.

5.

As I left her at her stoop she asked If I would like to stay for supper, but I declined and rather passed My thanks to her, for it was late and she by then had calmed.

So there I left her to herself and her tall and slender charm.

6.

Not long after, I came back looking for her again.

But not a single neighbor knew her or recognized her name Nor were their memories from my descriptions of her ever refilled.

So the haunting question my mind now hosts About this Germanic beauty, and that will always remain, Is whether she was real, or only just a ghost. *****

126

y Only As A Lover Should (To Helen) 8-15-1965 My older lover and neighbor often waited for me in the dark. _____ 1.

Dear love Here we are again In this special hour and night of ours Naked in the dark in each other’s arms Where I offer you A hundred whispers of your name.

2.

In this vernal night of ours We await the visits of the breeze That will first address All the leaves upon the trees Then, with their soft erotic touch, caress Our naked moonlit bodies Sprawled across your bed.

3.

Would I have returned If I didn’t hold your heart As one with mine?

Would I still burn for your tender lips Had I found another’s Half as fine?

127

4.

I’ll love you as a lover should And hold your heart as a true love would.

5.

And when I take my leave do not despair For I’ll return to you With all my love again, my fair.

6.

So wait for me, my love Naked in the dark And listen for my whisper For soon, I will be there. *****

128

y Wind, Tell Me Of A Coming Love 11-12-1965 Hoping for a true love to come along. _____ Oh Wind, please tell me sweetly of The coming of a special love.

Stroke and fill my desperate ear With the gilded words I long to hear.

Breathe life back into Hope and don’t let it die.

Oh Wind, give me the promise of a coming love That would keep my little heart alive Even if it is a lie. *****

129

y Fog Night (Dam Neck, Virginia) 11-14-1965 The fog undermined my confidence.

(Written at the Naval Anti-Submarine Warfare Naval Training Facility in Dam Neck, Virginia.) _____ 1.

A heavy fog overwhelmed the woods last night So much so, that soon the ear replaced the eye.

Its drizzly currents put everything into an eerie light And made things almost disappear wherever it did lie.

Without a sound, it tumbled through the woods and fields Weaving through every blade of grass and every bush and tree.

Its sudden birth and breadth did in me up-wield The fear that even the privacy of my very soul might be revealed.

2.

As I watched the fog unroll and lay Itself over everything, I thought I heard its voice calling me Like the droning calls of whales From two miles deep and a hundred miles away − Calling me to be a part of it With such haunting and seductive pleas And coaxing me to transform my current weight and form Into a misty facsimile vapor and trespass Into the very fog itself as a stowaway and ride its carpet’s aim And wander in its dewy night-clad mass Then perish with it like a martyr in the morning sun’s first flame.

130

3.

In a thick of black-barked trees that had all gone winter-bare Was the havened ward where this silent fog And the night’s black humid air had brewed themselves Into that vaporous frothy fare That bore the blindly screaming dialogue Of a million insects everywhere.

And this fog’s heavy sea-like weight That had never before conveyed any threatening trait Now did and was so unsettling that it made me fear For my very sake.

Oh, how the mind will turn upon itself And in the process What primal fears it will ensnare. *****

131

y I In Turn Will Shatter Hers (Mixed Emotions For Gwen And Carol) 11-26-1965 I so much wanted to have things work for Gwen and I. But I went back and forth in my resolve and getting briefly infatuated with Carol didn’t help. _____ 1.

Carol You have shown me What love should feel like.

You have shown me What I should have and wanted to have with Gwen But somehow don’t.

So now before I see her I’m thinking of the best way to tell her again That our love can never be − Thinking of the best and least painful way To hurt her again − The best way to break her heart A second time.

132

2.

Carol With your polite rejection of our love You have shattered my heart And now in turn I must shatter Gwen’s − But only with the truth.

3.

So with an agonizing mixture Of irony and sorrow I thank you, Carol Trusting That it’s all for the best All in all. *****

133

y I See My Side Is Empty (To Gwen) 1-14-1966 Remembering being on Gwen’s veranda my first night in Trinidad.

(Written while attending the Naval Combat Information Center School in San Diego, California.) _____ 1.

Lifting up my eyes tonight I see the stars Against the black inverted bowl of heaven.

And as I look at them I’m filled with memories And taken far and away To where we once had gazed upon those very same stars When our time together was infant new And all too full and fresh to ever raise a thought That love might end one day.

2.

When I see that same Big Dipper That we had once both pointed to I feel you next to me Just like it was back then.

But when I reach for you I see that you’re not there And that my side is empty Where you used to be.

134

3.

My side is empty now – Empty of where you used to be.

And my heart is empty too – Empty of all the dreaming wishes That I had for you and me.

And as I think about the then and now I’m deeply saddened by it all. *****

135

y When She Began To Play 1-15-1966 The music I heard at a piano recital in a church in downtown New York City had a profound effect on me. _____ 1.

From the angle I was sitting I could only see A glimpse of her Sitting at the piano In her elegant crimson dress.

2.

In anticipation of her first note She slowly Raised her hand And dramatically held it there Suspended in the air.

3.

She held it there For only a moment But long and dramatic enough To make it seem like time had stopped.

136

4.

My eyes and heart were transfixed By the drama and suspense.

5.

Then down it came − That one finger − Aiming like a dive-bomber At its target.

And when it hit that first note Its beautiful sound rang out And struck me in the heart!

6.

Oh the clarity and the beauty Of the music that she played Bore my soul away.

7.

As the highest notes flew And the lowest notes plunged I had to hold my breath. *****

137

y Impressions Of Winter And Helen (To Helen) 1-31-1966 Thoughts of my older lover Helen on a cold winter’s day. _____ 1.

On a cold and breezy Winter day I’m sprawled across your bed Looking out the window At the creaking boughs of the trees And at the brightest blue of a morning sky That only bares itself in Winter in this special way.

2.

I also see the whitest sheets I’ve ever seen As only Winter-light can make them seem And feel them fresh and crisp As only Winter-air can make them feel.

And with a shy but open passion I watch you spread your nakedness at me And hear you whisper, “Hold me tight and take away this Winter morning’s chill.”

3.

And as you take me in I give you love And give myself A sense of immortality. *****

138

y And It All Began From There (To Barbara Jane Moran − “BJ”) (Hawaii) 3-28-1966 “BJ” was a beautiful 24 year old native Hawaiian who I met when I was stationed at Pearl Harbor in the Navy. She was part Chinese, Filipino, Portuguese, English and French and used to write erotic letters to me when I was out to sea. (She’d been married to a Marine and when he came home unexpectedly one night to visit her and their child I had to slip out the back window to avoid a confrontation.) _____ 1.

Her Eurasian beauty Surfaced every passion that was in me And made my heart and blood Run as fast as lust would have it run.

2.

Her dark brown eyes Shown bright against the sparkling white That surrounded them.

There was no limit to their depth Or to her mesmerizing beauty.

139

3.

In the early evening light Her light brown Polynesian skin Shone soft, warm and beautiful As though it were glowing.

4.

Her clinging low cut cotton dress Discreetly displayed The crescent beauty of her breasts, Her perfectly trimmed waist, And her firm and shapely hips and legs Which made her so sensuous And inviting.

5.

Her beauty held me fast And wouldn’t let me go − Nor did I want it to.

The only thing that mattered Was to have her close to me − And it all began from there. *****

140

y Thoughts On Watch At Sea (Aware That I Am Me) (North Pacific) 4-5-1966 An awareness of myself came over me. _____ 1.

At sea tonight I walked the deck.

The ship was quiet Except for The noise of the engines, The splashing discharge of its pumps, And the plunging of its bow into the open sea.

2.

It was here that I noticed – As if for the first time – “My” feet Carrying “me” across the deck And feeling “myself” in motion Walking in the darkness Which made me wonder: How is it that I “am”?

How is it that I am this thing called “me”?

How is it that I feel myself As “me”?

141

3.

It was such a strange phenomenon Being aware that I am “me” − That I’m a watchtower – A fortress With little peep-holes in it That allow me to see Both The beauty of the world And The advance of any attack.

4.

How unique, introspective and self-centered I realized I was Being the center of the Universe.

5.

It was a strange and eerie consciousness That I had tonight − This awareness of my being “me” − On this night – On this ship − In the middle of this black and massive ocean − This awareness That I am this thing called “me” − This awareness − Of being “me”! *****

142

y I Showed You The Stars (To Bich-Thuy Chung) 8-7-1966 Impressions after a night walk with Thuy on the University of Hawaii campus where I showed her the star constellations which I had memorized during my many nights on watch out at sea. _____ 1.

We walked together on the campus lawn Talking softly of sweet and delicate things.

How calm this night for us was made And how lovely the moon light laid Upon the grass until all the night was gone.

It was there I sang the Song of Night as a full heart sings.

2.

We saw some distant animals with their glowing yellow eyes Suspended in mid-air piercing brightly through the dark.

And when you first saw them − those yellow burning beams − You were frightened of their scary gleams.

I smiled at the child-like fears I saw in your eyes And as I lovingly assured you, I took you deeper in my heart.

143

3.

And when I showed you the constellations in the sky that night And those special stars that shone both blue and white And also those that blinked both red and green, you were amazed.

With each new thing you saw, your face blossomed like a flower − The flower that I thought one day might be my flower.

I was falling in love with you the more into your eyes I gazed.

4.

Your hands were delicate, refined and feminine Your hair was freshly scented, soft and black and silky fine And oh how your warm brown eyes looked softly back into mine.

5.

Was this the beginning of love? Could it be? For you and me?

Oh how you made this blessed hope arise in me.

Oh how I cradled this new-born hope That maybe one day you’d be mine. *****

144

y Thoughts At Sea During The Mid-Watch (Alone And Colder) 6-11-1966 Introspective thoughts.

(Written on the midnight to 4 am watch in the North Pacific.) _____ 1.

The cold damp sea-wind Puts a chill on the back of my neck As a punishing reminder of all my fallen hopes.

2.

It howls and bites and tries to steal Whatever warmth and security I own.

3.

Soon I’m feeling cold and alone inside As I review my daily failings.

4.

Each thought and gust of wind contains some past regret For my mind is both my accuser and my punisher.

5.

With each regret the wind delivers I feel all the more alone and colder still. *****

145

y She Has Sprung On Me Like A Cat (On “BJ”) 6-19-1966 It was a bad break-up with “BJ”. She even threatened to go to the Captain of my ship and accuse me of getting her pregnant.

(Extortion?) Not believing she was pregnant I called her bluff. _____ 1.

I slept and loved with her But now she’s turned on me As quickly and sharply As if she’d just been biding her time.

2.

Finding an excuse in some minor quarrel She’s sprung on me Like a cat would spring upon its prey.

3.

She’s turned on me.

Perhaps she’s found herself another man.

Perhaps she no longer needs me.

Perhaps this. Perhaps that.

146

4.

She was so quick to raise her back And spit and scratch at me With no regard for how we used to love.

5.

I always knew an end would come to our affair − Sometime – someway – somehow − one day.

But I never thought that it would be This way. *****

147

y Please Forgive My Haste (To Bich-Thuy) 8-13-1966 She had never been kissed by a man before so when I rushed it I felt a little guilty. _____ 1.

I’ve not been far or long enough at sea For any decent crust of salt to coat my skin Or the sun to burn my face enough for anyone to see But time enough for my thoughts of you to begin.

2.

As the ship was cutting through the water’s calm Stirring up a wake of white and foamy noise My mind is far away from this rolling ship I’m on Missing you and your darling face and graceful poise.

3.

I’m remembering when you cried and held your face in shame After I had tried to give a first and gentle kiss to you.

But dear Thuy, you shouldn’t burden me with too much blame For I only did it out of love and tenderness for you.

148

4.

Nonetheless, I now more fully understand The flower of innocence that you are.

And when you extended your hand In forgiveness of my haste with you I took you even deeper into my heart.

5.

And now As I stand upon this deck So far out at sea My mind is filled with you. *****

149

y Bending Slowly 8-15-1966 Things are continuously morphing into something new, transitioning from one thing to another. _____ 1.

Bending slowly The Night eventually becomes the Dawn.

And then the Dawn is slowly molded into Day. Then the Day gets weary and worn And drains itself down into Dusk.

And then, with little resistance left Dusk accepts a lover in her bed And soon the Night is born.

2.

You’d think that somehow Things would stay the same But no, they always change And never stay the same For everything begins to change The second they are born.

150

3.

In time Everything’s transformed.

What “is” becomes a “was”.

And what “was” becomes a “memory” And then a “memory” fades away into “nothingness” Waiting for something new to be born To begin the cycle again.

4.

Nothing ever stays the same As everything begins to change The second it is born. *****

151

y Thoughts At Sea Made Me Sad 8-31-1966 Finding that elusive peace of mind. _____ Standing alone and bracing against the heavy wind, With the ship forging through the sea, With the deck heaving underneath my feet, With the water pounding on the hull like thunder, And with the moonlight making a bright and sparkling wake I go backwards in time Thinking of all the things that made me sad Which thoughts I’m always trying Not to drag along with me That will weigh down my future.

But knowing that so many things Are far beyond my control and reach And that I’ll probably never find Enough satisfying peace of mind I’ll always be asking Why contentment for me Is so difficult to find? *****

152

y Frost Ring (Honolulu) 11-30-1966 The beauty of a winter moon peering through the clouds.

(Inspired by a scene in the movie, “Dr. Zhivago.�) _____ 1.

Tonight the moon has burned a hazy lunar hole Through a thin white veil of clouds Just as a candle would burn a little circle Onto a frosted winter windowpane.

2.

And as I peered through it It were as though I was peeping through a knot hole And seeing the entire Universe. *****

153

y I Stopped My Mind On You (To Bich-Thuy) 1-6-1967 Pining thoughts of Thuy in Hawaii when on Navy home leave. _____ Even with the hard distractions of the city life My mind was filled with longing thoughts of you.

I took your picture out and stared at it Seemingly forever And dreamed such full and tender dreams of you Longing to have you with me All my life. *****

154

y The Full Weight Of Night 2-9-1967 The emotional spectrum in life. _____ Why Moon, does my heart beat To the sounds and rhythms Of this full and weighty Night?

Why does it take me up whole And nearly bring me to tears? − To tears of intermittent and fleeting hopeful joy Then to tears of unrelenting and unforgiving sadness?

Why does it so much fill me With so many things to ponder about And at the same time Take so much out of me? *****

155

y We Used To Fly Like The Stars (On Bich-Thuy) 12-14-1967 Back in Brooklyn I’m still pining over Thuy who I left in Hawaii. _____ 1.

Looking up I see the pitch-black sky And all the stars Twinkling through the clouds like fireflies Showing off to the moon Like little children.

And as I close my eyes I’m back with you again in dear Hawaii.

2.

Our hands are joined together as before And your heart is in your warm brown eyes As it always is for me.

And as for my heart? − It’s bursting from my chest Trying to join you there.

3.

Though far away − Almost halfway around the world − My mind is full with thoughts of you.

And with your love and memory always in my heart You’re never out of reach.

156

4.

And so I always bring you back to me And hold you here − Here within the bosom of my lonely dreams. *****

157

y A City Fog 3-22-1968 Fog always inspires me to write.

(Impressions walking in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn where Diane Golunski lived and who I was dating.) _____ 1.

Sounds tumble through the city fog And speak to me in rolling dialogues All swollen with eerie lamentations And secret and unknown aspirations.

2.

Ships and tugs along the Brooklyn Narrows Pour out their bloated whistle drones Which are taken up by the wind in tow And twisted into eerie sounds, almost like moans.

3.

The sea-born sounds tumble and swirl Through all the streets, alleyways and city pores.

And the fog follows me and curls Its silent blanket around me and touches my very core.

158

4.

The white street lights and the traffic lights of red and green Burst their colors into a mist-like spray That permeates the night with foggy streams Of color in blurred and drenched display.

5.

When the fog arrives, even the hard concrete sounds are stilled As if in awe of an honored but formidable guest.

And when its heavy mane covers the streets, it fills Them with sea-born tones that sailors understand the best.

6.

My footsteps give away the aimless random meter of my walk.

Alone, along an almost empty street My thinking’s strained by the heavy babbling talk Within my head as my inner thoughts unseat Themselves when the fog, the night and I do meet And our breaths all mix in the secret language that we speak. *****

159

y When Others Were With Their Friends 4-20-1968 I used to walk the streets of Brooklyn and write poetry.

(I wrote a guitar piece about this subject entitled, “Empty Walks and Whiskey Mind.”) _____ 1.

I used to walk the streets alone at night With a whiskey bottle tucked under my belt That I’d drink for inspiration For the poems I wanted to write.

2.

When friends were with their friends and families I’d be sitting on some freezing church step Looking at a winter star Mulling over life And putting into clumsy words My pressing thoughts and unsettled feelings.

160

3.

While everyone Was warmly tucked away inside I was fighting with an icy wind somewhere With half-numbed frozen feet And a liquored-up heart and mind Writing poetry.

4.

This was what I did.

This was me, the different one − So different from the others. *****

161

y

I’m All Too Serious (London) 9-7-1968 Being more serious and sensitive compared to others. _____ 1.

My spirit fades as the night sets upon the city square.

My heart reflects and feels so bare As I look around at all the others in the bar Who seem to show no fear of life at all But rather just accept it as it is − Which is something I could never do.

2.

My heart sinks over its over-sensitivity And for want to be someone different – For want to be someone Who wouldn’t hurt so much.

3.

For me, life never comes so easy.

For me, I take everything All too hard and serious. *****

162

y This Yellow Sky At Dusk 11-29-1968 Thoughts on the mysterious subtlety of dusk. _____ 1.

There’s something eerie About this evening’s Sky at Dusk With its yellow amber color That looks just like the color of Autumn leaves, Ancient parchment, Egyptian sand, Or aged gold.

2.

It’s more than just the color of the Sky tonight − There’s something more and strange about it – Something in its ambiance − Something in it That’s subtly infiltrating me And filling me with a mix of wonder and fear.

There’s something more to it than just the Sky. It seems to be a Being unto itself.

What’s in this yellow Sky tonight That’s bearing down on me?

163

3.

This yellow sky at Dusk tonight Has within it The strangest sounds I’ve ever heard − Like the humming Of a million insect wings − Like the droning of a fog horn Far out at sea − Like summer thunder Rumbling in the distance.

4.

I listen, see and feel This yellow thing of Life − This amber colored Being − This dusty crescent Crust of yellow Wrapped around the Earth − This eerie, pregnant, yellow Sky at Dusk. *****

164

y China Dawn (On Pei Pei Lin) (Taipei) 12-12-1969 Pei Pei was a shop girl by day and a call girl by night. _____ 1.

When I awoke I watched her breathing in her sleep.

Here I am Halfway around the would Sleeping with an angel of the night.

2.

Looking out of the hotel window I saw the China dawn: A vague and heavy dusty orange glow Rising above the dingy concrete roof tops.

3.

Looking up I saw the faintest blue that was to be the day.

And drifting by my window Were the flat-bottomed and pink-rimmed edges Of new-born morning clouds.

165

4.

As the China dawn fell upon her early face I felt the East all over me And it saddened me to think That soon she would be gone.

5.

Before she left She quietly made the bed − Which I thought to myself How nice and different that was. *****

166

y When Thuy Was Next To Me (On Bich-Thuy) 12-28-1969 I’m always in a dreamy world with Thuy. _____ 1.

When I think of her I see petal wings and misty rainbows In the morning dew.

2.

When I think of her I feel her soft and delicate hand in mine, Her beating heart, And her warm and tiny body embracing me Just as she did When she used to lay down next to me.

3.

When I think of her I think of love When love was blossom new. *****

167

y

The Fingers Of The Trees − The Corals Of The Sea 2-20-1970 Fascinated with the skeleton-like look of winter trees. _____ 1.

The Snow is never fully dressed without the Moon But when the Moon has given its consent And dresses her in its lovely evening gown of Light She’s such a gorgeous bride.

2.

During the Day The surface of the Snow Gets warmed and slightly melted by the Sun So when the Night arrives it freezes into a shiny glaze That glistens in the Moon.

3.

And against this winter landscape Of Day and Night and Sun and Moon Are the naked frosted Winter Trees That boldly paint their shadows on the Snow.

168

4.

In the Daylight These bare-boughed Winter Trees Look just like witch’s hands With their gnarled and crooked fingers Reaching for the Sky. 5.

But at Night All glazed with Ice And bathing in the cold arctic Moonlight They look like the bleached-white branches of Coral Reaching up from the bottom of the Sea. 6.

Oh how dreamy and poetic Are these Winter Trees for me. *****

169

y The Rope Walker 6-18-1997 Walking on the edge of life. _____ 1.

It seems that throughout my life I’ve been on some kind of tight-rope.

And now I’m on another one With neither a grab-line above Or a safety net below.

2.

Although I promised myself That I’d never ascend that ladder again I’m never in control of all I promise.

3.

My balance is all I have to save myself And it’s being tested every step I take And any misstep could be my last.

4.

With one misstep, however small − Whether inadvertent or on purpose − All my worries would be over with Which option often temps me like a sparkling jewel.

Should I, like Faust Make a bargain with the Devil?

170

5.

And if I were to make that misstep Think of the high drama That it would give the crowd And the headlines it would make in the news, “Rope walker falls to his death!

Was it an accident?

Or was it suicide?�

6.

What a great show and fitting ending My fall would make.

Oh the excitement, mystery And the theater of it all! *****

171

y Bangkok At Dawn (Bangkok) 12-16-1969 I took a bar girl back to my hotel where I watched the dawn come up over Bangkok as she slept. _____ 1.

I only slept an hour or two Before I was awakened By some roosters crowing.

I never knew that roosters crowed Earlier than dawn.

2.

On the streets below Someone struck a bell.

I remembered hearing That same bell last night Being rung every hour or so.

3.

I saw a blur of morning light Straining through the window And through the thin, stained and tattered curtains Of the run down hotel that we were in.

It was faint, but bright enough to make me squint.

It was the dusty Bangkok dawn.

172

4.

The bed was hard and didn’t give at all.

I saw her breathing underneath the sheets.

Laying back, I felt a calmness come over me.

It was good to feel relaxed again.

5.

It’s been a long time Since I felt this way – Relaxed and dreamy − For New York’s been a strain on me.

6.

So the dusty dawn in Bangkok – Yawning And not so anxious to awake – Felt good to me. *****

173

y

He’s Hit 7-7-1997 A soldier fatally shot during the Vietnam War. _____ 1.

He was hit And the shock of it jolted him And sent tremors through his body and mind But he couldn’t tell at first Just exactly where he’d been hit.

2.

While he was frightened He also felt a kind of strange relief For he knew that with his being hit He’d be out of action for a while Or maybe for good.

The pressure of the war Would be off him − The pressure of fighting fear And having to be surface-brave Every minute of the day Would be relieved.

174

3.

And he also knew That if his wound was bad enough He might even be going home − And maybe as a hero!

4.

The war was frightening: The dark wet jungle all around you − The shelling and the bullets speeding by So fast, so close and so loud.

It could easily and quickly break your nerves For the mind cannot digest such concentrated terror.

5.

It was bad enough Hearing just a single bullet whistle by you With unimagined speed and force Ripping through hundreds of jungle leaves – “Ping” − “ping” – “Ping” − “ping” − “ping” − Then hitting the soft pulp Of a tropical tree trunk Right next to you With a terrifying magnum “Thud” − So just imagine How much more terrifying it is With a constant hail of bullets In a deadly fire-fight That he often found himself in.

175

6.

When his mind had calmed a bit From its initial shock He realized That the sound of a bullet hitting a tree – That “thud” − Was very similar to the sound he heard When that bullet Smashed into him.

7.

When his mind had cleared a bit And he could see Just how badly he’d been hit He felt sick and scared.

8.

His mind began to wander And he saw his wife and son clearly in his mind.

He also saw the images of his life passing in front of him Which told him that he might be coming to his end For seeing your family and your life pass before you Are always the things that happen Right before you die.

176

9.

He saw his wife and his boy In the window of his home.

He waved to them And called out their names But they didn’t answer.

Neither one of them could see him And rather seemed to look right through him.

He saw himself crawling across the lawn Trying to reach the house But everything was moving in slow motion And he didn’t seem To be making any progress.

10.

His heart was pounding And a flood of helplessness and depression Came over him For now, it seemed He’d have no second chance At anything.

11.

Then the vision of that window he was crawling toward And his wife and son in it Began to fade and move further away from him.

He could also see that he also was fading Which might mean, he thought That he’d never make it to that window Which might also mean That he might never be making it home.

177

12.

He could hear the medics yelling As they frantically worked on him − But they were only in his muted background For his mind was home and with his family.

13.

Then he began to feel a lot more pain in his chest And it was getting harder for him to breathe.

He was gasping now and feeling faint.

Then things began to fade some more And he felt like life itself Was draining out of him.

14.

Then another image came into his head Where he saw himself in a pool of quicksand Slowly sinking With one arm reaching up Trying to hold on to the sky To avoid being swallowed up whole.

He was hallucinating.

15.

The last thing that he saw Before everything went black Were the fading images of his wife and son In the window of the house That he had built himself − Which images Were the closest he ever got To going home. ***** 178

y Edge Walker 4-23-1998 For the sake of her child a heroic fable was created. _____ 1.

As soon as he saw the edge of the cliff He couldn’t help himself.

His mind began to dig itself in With familiar determination.

He just had to test himself again − For that was his nature.

2.

He focused himself – Mind and body − With Olympic concentration On the challenge of that edge.

“All or nothing!” − “Do or die!”

Those were his battle cries.

3.

Yes, the consequences tugged at him But never enough to matter And so he just screwed himself in tighter.

There was no shaking his resolve.

He’d do it − no matter what.

That was his style.

That was his nature.

That’s where his head was at.

179

4.

This time though His timing was just a little off.

He had made a slight miscalculation.

He was off by only a second − Or a half an inch Depending how you looked at it − But just enough to be his last And final miscalculation.

5.

His wife would later tell us That she felt a strange sensation the moment he fell Which was their last communication.

6.

For her son’s sake Her eulogy contrived him as a daring hero.

But she knew differently.

He was no hero.

Rather, he was just a reckless ego-driven fool Who was thinking only of himself And his next achievement With little regard For how his death would leave them.

7.

But she would keep that to herself − At least for now − As that would be a story For another time and place − And for an older son. ***** 180

y Trees In Spring 4-25-1998 Early spring.

(Written at 7 am in the parking lot of a McDonald’s restaurant in Stonington, CT on the way to the Newport-Bermuda Race training on Tom Carroll’s boat, “Siren Song.”) _____ 1.

All the little buds on all the trees are peeking out Shyly waiting for reassurance and approval And daring each other to come out.

2.

These little buds Look just like the tiny colored lights You’d see on Christmas trees.

3.

With their courage slowly building They’d soon be opening Like a million little fans Signaling the start Of yet another Spring. *****

181

y Not Missing Anyone (12:45 am) 12-31-1998 Being alone with my thoughts. _____ 1.

It’s 10 below outside.

And all the rooms are cold.

0

2.

The entire house is dark Except for the moonlight That has whispered in And volunteered to be my guide.

3.

The poet in me has arisen With all of its pumped-up inspiration, Its lofty high ambitions, And its good intentions − Some of which are real But most of which Are pure fantasy.

182

4.

I’m alone But not missing anyone.

I’m alone in my private thoughts − Content tonight To have them as my only company. *****

183

y Working On My Comeback 1-23-1999 Trying to recover from yet another job loss. _____ 1.

Frustrations fester in me.

They twist around my heart And squeeze it so hard I can hardly breathe.

2.

They almost make me want to cry sometimes But I won’t – For I can’t let that happen As that would be The beginning of the end for me.

3.

It all began some 15 years ago When I lost my job As a partner In the major accounting firm Of Peat Marwick Mitchell At the height of my career Which career I loved And that had given me so much.

184

4.

It had given me Pride, status and self-confidence As well as a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.

Bur since then I haven’t been able to find A safe, steady or rewarding enough job That came anywhere close to what I had.

5.

While I’ve had a number of jobs since I haven’t been able to hold them for very long And just recently I’ve lost another one And am working on Yet another comeback.

6.

When you lose your footing And are separated from the corporate herd Everybody notices But no one helps.

The herd acknowledges your stumble But readily accepts your absence And just continues on without you.

7.

I’m embarrassed by my current circumstances And avoid my friends and family For I don’t want them to see me this way Or to have to answer any of their questions Until I have some answers for myself − Until I get a job that will give me Some semblance of respectability.

185

8.

Until then I must remain in exile − In hiding − Working on my comeback − Working to restore my face And to regain my pride.

9.

Until then My heart remains near broken And my soul sits here In mirrored sorrow with it. *****

186

y The Herd Moved On (1:15 am) 1-24-1999 The loss of one member is of no consequence to the herd.

(Written on a rainy, foggy night, after my niece, Jennie Mortenson’s “Sweet 16” Party in Lake Ronkonkoma, NY. On my way home, I stopped the car by a body of water somewhere on Long Island to collect my thoughts about my poor career situation and to write a bit about it. Leandra and Kerry were with me.) _____ 1.

When I got separated from the corporate herd A lonely feeling of failure and abandonment Came over me And squeezed the breath right out of me.

2.

While the herd might wonder where you’ve gone They’ll only shrug and keep on going − Curious, perhaps − Sympathetic, maybe − But in the end They won’t stop and help For you’ll only slow them down.

187

3.

Though I’ll cry out from where I’ve fallen My cries will gradually become Weak and ever-diminishing echoes in their ears As the herd moves farther and farther away.

4.

But in my ears My cries will remain As loud and stark reminders Of my new reality. *****

188

y My Music Means So Much To Me (12:45 am) 1-24-1999 With my music I can create my own comfort zone. _____ 1.

Music: It means so much to me For it can take me away from this stressful world And put into a serene and calming world − The reassuring world of music.

Music therefore is: Both my savior And my protector.

2.

Music is: My little club house and hide-away; My security blanket that I carry around with me; The covers that I can pull up over my head When the thunder roars and the lightning flashes Or when it gets too dark and scary in my room; My bull-fighter’s cape to fight the bull; And my impenetrable fortress.

189

3.

Music also is: My morning cup of coffee And my evening glass of wine; My sun and moon; My battle cry and lullaby; And the balancing pole As I walk the tightrope of my life.

4.

And with my music: I have both a wife and a mistress.

5.

With my music: I have all the colors in the spectrum.

6.

With my music: I have everything and more. *****

190

y Moving Ahead But Falling Behind (12 midnight) 1-24-1999 Creating more work than I can finish. _____ 1.

The more I do The more there is to do.

2.

The more poetry and music I write The more pressure there seems to be To write more.

3.

This all leaves me with Both a sweet and a sour taste in my mouth − One of accomplishment On the one hand And frustration On the other For wanting to do more.

191

4.

The more I approach The farther away my destination seems to get.

The harder I squint The less I seem to see.

The more I see The more I think I missed.

The more I eat The more hungry I feel.

5.

Is this progress or regression?

While I’m moving ahead I’m also Falling behind. *****

192

y

All Of A Sudden I’m Missing Her Mother (On Judy’s Mother, Esther) 1-24-1999 When I used to visit Judy, an old Brooklyn neighborhood girlfriend, I would often spend hours with her mother, Esther, discussing philosophy, music, religion and politics. I miss her and those talks. _____ 1.

All of a sudden I’m missing her − My old girlfriend Judy’s mother, Esther.

2.

I used to sit with her At her tiny kitchen table Beneath a dull yellow ceiling light And talk for hours on end About music, politics, religion and philosophy.

3.

That was a long time ago – Nearly 40 years ago in Brooklyn − But yet, in my mind tonight It feels as though It was only yesterday.

193

4.

I can still recall so well All those wonderful, intellectual debates we had On so many evenings − That would often turn themselves into nights − In her little dim-lit kitchen That became my neighborhood salon.

5.

All of a sudden I’m missing her so much tonight. *****

194

y A Name Embedded In My Heart (On Sharon?)

6-15-1963 Pining. Over Sharon? _____ As the subway barrels through the gray tunnel walls Its screeching rumbling wheels ring throughout its dreary halls Echoing a name embedded in my heart that almost makes it stall − The name of a long lost love is the name it calls. *****

195

y Not To Be Tampered With 10-6-2013 Whatever they are they are key. _____ 1.

I live in a world of little delusions.

A nicer and more euphemistic way of saying it Would be to say That I live in a world of little hopes.

2.

While these little hopes Have little chance of coming true They give me the modest pushes that keep me going.

3.

So no matter what you call them They are extremely important To the architecture and stability of my life As they represent: My linchpins, My cornerstones, My keystones in life And therefore shouldn’t be tampered with For fear of whatever they might cause To come tumbling down. *****

196

y

Please Don’t Make Me Say It 10-7-2013 Don’t make me say the obvious. _____ 1.

I’ve given you everything you wanted and more.

And despite all your rejections and belittlements I stayed with you.

2.

I’ve resisted all the overtures of others Who want me more than you And remained faithful to you.

3.

You know that I’m not comfortable Expressing my feelings in words And rather have demonstrated my love In all that I’ve done for you.

4.

So please don’t make me say I love you Just to satisfy another one of your whims For you may not like the answer you get. *****

197

y Almost There 10-9-2013 Not being able to get things fully completed. _____ 1.

I bring my work up to the point Of it being “almost done�

With just a little more to go.

2.

This seems to be my pattern With almost everything I do.

But why?

3.

I believe that underlying this quirk Are three motivations: The desire to defer gratification to a later date So as to increase its pleasure; The fear of making a decision And calling it final; And setting myself up for criticism Of a finished product.

4.

I know that these are not the only reasons And only part of the puzzle But they are part of it.

198

5.

Getting to “almost done�, but not quite done Is like: Building up an inventory, but never making a sale; Taking aim, but never pulling the trigger; Starting a book, but never finishing it.

Packing the suitcase, but never leaving; Or getting to the goal line, but never across it.

6.

So many things I do Unfortunately remain in Limbo As works-in-process waiting for completion With just a little left to go.

7.

Almost there But not quite.

8.

Up to the goal line But not over. *****

199

y A Mural Sunset 10-11-2013 A surreal experience while driving home from Waterbury CT. _____ 1.

I was returning home from a client call Driving into the southern sky On the Merritt Parkway Just around sunset.

2.

The sky was filled with radiant and swirling Pink and blue acrylic colors That made me feel As if I were riding into a living mural.

It looked as though the road ahead of me Had lifted itself up and into the sky As if it were an on-ramp.

3.

Both my mind and heart Found asylum in that gorgeous sky And my soul took refuge in it Absorbing all the stresses of the day.

200

4.

It were as though I was hypnotized And being drawn into That warm and beautiful sunset sky.

5.

I was transfixed And imagined myself On some sort of Yellow brick road to Oz. 6.

It seemed As though I was driving Into some star gate − Into some worm hole in space.

7.

It seemed as though I was literally driving off Into the sunset − Into a living mural sunset. *****

201

y His Alfred Hitchcock Type Of Plot 10-30-2013 A clever and melodramatic suicide plan. _____ 1.

They found him dead.

It was a heart attack Which was a surprise to everyone For he had the medicine That would have prevented it.

2.

But when they looked through his journals They read that he had been depressed And given up on life.

“Life wasn't worth living”, He had written in his journals.

3.

He wrote that Life wasn’t so bad That he wanted to take his life In any drastic or immediate way.

It wasn’t that unbearable But it was a life That he didn’t want to see All the way through to its grinding end.

202

4.

So, as he outlined in his journals He decided not to take his medicine As his way of ending it all.

His journals also stated That he felt a sense of relief In having a plan in place.

5.

It was an ingenious plan he thought With an Alfred Hitchcock type of plot That put a sort of Mona Lisa smile on his face That people noticed and wondered about As to what was behind it − Which made his plan, in his mind Even more clever and ingenious.

6.

So by going off his medicine He had lit the fuse And now just had to wait patiently For it to run its course Taking comfort in just knowing That his life would come to an end All in good time.

7.

It was an intriguing little waiting game − An easy, secret suicide with no violence Or any heart or mind-wrenching decisions to make − Just a waiting game with the outcome known But just not its timing. ***** 203

y

Who I’m Not 11-1-2013 It’s less about what he is and more about what he’s not. _____ 1.

I’m not a leader Rather I’m a follower.

2.

I’m not a spokesperson But rather a listener and head-nodder.

3.

I comment on what other people say Rather than provide any opinions myself.

4.

I edit Rather than write.

5.

I criticize and critique Rather than create.

6.

I’m in the audience Not on stage.

204

7.

I’m an observer Rather than a participant.

8.

I work in the back office Not in the front.

9.

This is who I am But more so Who I’m not. *****

205

y All Ready For Bed 11-4-2013 Being so mentally exhausted. _____ 1.

For some reason I’m not up to par And can’t function so well today.

2.

My mind is slow And struggling to cope With the day’s demands.

3.

I’m dull and unresponsive And everything seems to be going In slow motion.

4.

I’m so tired today That while I’m physically Fully dressed and working I’m in my pajamas mentally And all ready for bed. *****

206

y My Bookends 12-7-2013 My Past, Present and Future. _____ 1.

My Present is bordered With regrets from the Past on my left And Worries about the Future on my right.

2.

I have nothing comforting To look back on In the Past And am fearful and pessimistic About what might lie in wait In the Future.

3.

Oh what a depressing set of bookends I have on either side of me. *****

207

y

Don’t You Ever Say That I Don’t Love You 12-31-2013 Some things are just too wrong to accept. _____ 1.

You can tell me that the sky is purple.

You can tell me the world is square.

You can lie to me though your teeth And I’ll find a way to believe you.

2.

You can tell me That we’re not meant for each other And I’ll still hang on And keep my hopes up high.

3.

You can say anything you like Right or wrong, Good or bad, True or false, As well as things That are downright mean and hurtful − But don’t you ever say That I don’t love you. *****

208

y The Unknown Soldiers 1-21-2014 So many anonymous failures. _____ 1.

So many good businesses fail Through no fault of their own.

So many beautiful songs are written But remain unsung.

So many touching poems and good books Never get published.

2.

Bad timing, luck and circumstances Are the usual culprits That cause so many noble enterprises and efforts To fall mortally wounded And then in time To be covered over to invisibility By the dust that covers all things that have died.

3.

These are the unknown soldiers Who died for worthy causes That are buried In millions of unmarked graves. *****

209

y His Little Plastic Pill Container 2-22-2014 His special and very personal clock. _____ 1.

He opened the top Of his orange plastic pill container − The one he’d just gotten from the pharmacy − And looked into it.

It was his 90 day, one-a-day supply of pills That he needed to take to stay alive.

It was his new 90-day lease on life.

2.

It was his clock − A clock that was more tangible and relevant Than the mechanical one on his wall − A clock that recorded time In more personal and tangible units Than just in seconds and minutes For it recorded time In terms of daily life-units Which was much more relevant to him And that he could directly identify with.

210

3.

Through his pills He got a much better feel and sense of time − Much better than any conventional clock could ever convey For a conventional clock Was remote, unfeeling and one dimensional.

4.

Likewise, every time he took his pill He’d get a hands-on sense of his own mortality That he could actually see, touch and taste.

5.

Unlike a regular clock − That could only show him the current time − When he looked into his plastic pill container He could see the Past, Present and the Future.

6.

His pill container was his personal time machine: The pill he took each day represented the Present And the new one-day lease it gave him; And looking at the level of pills He got a good sense of the Past For he could see how many pills he’d already used up And reflect upon all those days gone by; And looking at the number of pills that were left He also got a good sense of the Future In terms of how many days he had left in his 90-day lease Which gave him a very personal appreciation of life In precious daily and personal increments.

211

7.

His clock on the wall was also Nowhere near the strong advocate and counselor That his pill container was In that if he didn’t take his daily pill He would be told in no uncertain terms by inference That he was risking his life Which he knew wasn’t any empty threat.

8.

His pills took on their own personas.

They were his saviors For which he was dependent on, Grateful to, And at the same time Afraid of.

9.

And as time progressed And the pills began to disappear And he began to see the orange plastic bottom showing through It presented a clear warning sign to him And another visual and tangible sense of his mortality That he could never get From that self-deluding, mute and timid clock on the wall.

10.

And each time he renewed his prescription It was another 90-day lease on life Which gave him an acute appreciation for life In precious and modest 90-day life-increments.

212

11.

Millions of people take pills everyday But not many have the insight into them − That special kind of symbolism − That spiritualism − That he had with his.

He was a special person in that regard Who could see and read into things more than others.

12.

Each little pill to him represented Another shave in the morning, Another sunrise, Another morning cup of coffee Another sunset, Another celebratory glass of wine at night, Another revolution of the world.

Each little pill represented A concrete unit of real life And not just the mechanical tick-tocking units That his clock on the wall offered.

13.

His little container of pills was his daily reminder Of how precious life really was And the synergies between life and death And how interrelated they were.

Each pill also showed him How the borders of life and death So naturally touch each other.

213

14.

He wondered if his family − When they go through his belongs after his death And come across that orange plastic pill container − Would see anything more Than a meaningless throw-away pill container.

They might if they really understood him And knew how philosophically deep he was About everything.

15.

But what were the chances of that happening? − The chances that they’d recognize How much that little plastic pill container Meant to him and why?

And that it just might be worth saving As one of the best representations and mementos Of who and what he was? – Probably nil − 16.

So he came to the painful realization That that little pill container And all the history and meaning it holds Might just be tossed out As garbage With no one ever being the wiser for it Which saddened him Just thinking about it. *****

214

y The Departing Line 2-24-2014 The opposite but similar to a receiving line. _____ 1.

If only we could predict the timing of our deaths As we can our births We’d be able to organize a departing ceremony Before we passed away.

2.

If we could predict the timing of our deaths We could organize a departing line To exchange our good-byes with our loved ones Similar to a receiving line Where we exchange greetings with our arriving guests.

3.

A departing line − No surprise deaths and missed good-byes − No regrets about not having the opportunity To say those special and final things to our loved ones.

4.

A departing line − Oh how nice and civilized that would be. *****

215

y Wishing You Were Here 2-24-2014 A selfish but somewhat understandable wish. _____ 1.

I’ve never been alone in my life As you’ve always been by my side.

But now with my death I am, for the first time, all alone And buried here among complete strangers.

2.

I miss you so much And wish we could be together again Like we were for all those years we lived together And pray that you’ll be joining me soon.

3.

I know it’s selfish of me to think this way But, for love and missing you I just can’t help Wishing that you’ll be joining me soon.

I just can’t help Wishing you were here. *****

216

y

So What’s The Point?

2-24-2014 The end result is the same. _____ 1.

Struggle Struggle All through life Trying to survive.

2.

That’s the way it’ll be For our entire lives.

3.

Despite all our many interim successes At surviving our ordeals In the end The result will be the same − We’ll die anyway.

4.

So tell me What's the point of it all? *****

217

y Instant Spring 3-11-2014 Spring came overnight. _____ 1.

“A watched pot never boils.”

That’s the way it felt Waiting for Spring to arrive.

2.

Each day I looked at the trees And saw that they were still brown and bare.

The next day and the next week They were still the same.

Every day I watched for them to change But they didn’t.

3.

But then this morning When I woke up Everything was green!

When I went to bed last night, everything was brown But when I awoke, everything was green!

All of a sudden Spring had come Just like it does every year − Overnight! *****

218

y

Don’t Be Too Nice To Me 4-6-2014 Building more good memories will only create more hurt. _____ 1.

Don’t be too nice to me For when you’re gone I’ll be missing you And hurting all the more.

2.

Don’t make me love you so much That I won’t be able to move on.

3.

Don’t dress up so nice for me For they’ll be much less reason For me to look at the clothes in your closet And imagine you wearing them With your little pony tail Swinging from side to side.

219

4.

Let’s not take so many pictures And put them on display For it’ll be easier for me To walk through the house Without getting teary-eyed stuck At each framed picture on the table And forgetting where I was going.

5.

Don’t cook so many delicious meals for me As it will only make me gag On what I’ll be making myself When you’re gone And make me cry When I’m staring across the table At your empty chair.

6.

Don’t pretty yourself up too much As I don’t want to have to see your darling face In every mirror I pass.

7.

Don’t be so good to me now As it will only make it All that harder for me later When you’re gone. *****

220

y I Can Wait 4-6-2014 The danger of a premature performance. _____ 1.

Don’t rush me out on stage For a premature performance of my works.

Don’t entice me With hopes of fame and fortune In my lifetime And have me risk a crushing failure From which I might never recover.

2.

I’m prepared to wait for their premieres When I’m gone and safely insulated From whatever bad reviews they might draw.

3.

I’m content to live On all the hopes and dreams I have for them For the future Rather than risk the heartbreak Of the possible bad reviews Of a premature performance now − So I can wait. *****

221

y Boxer, Gladiator 8-8-1999 Gladiator mentality.

His only way to achieve some glory. _____ 1.

The boxer’s in a fight he cannot win.

He swings and tries to land his blows as best he can But he’s hit more times than he’s not And bleeding badly now.

2.

His loved ones cry out to him to stop But as the simple animal that he is He’s programmed not to think so much But rather just to brave it out And take it like a man.

3.

And just like an animal Even though he knows the fight is futile He can’t − or won’t − do anything to stop it.

222

4.

So on and on he fights As his poor specie often does For to them There’s honor in dying for the cause And one of the few ways to gain any recognition Or any claim to any kind of glory.

5.

So just like a peasant dying for his King, A crusader for his God, Or a gladiator for the crowd This is the only way That he can ever ascend To anything more noble In his pre-destined and sorry life. *****

223

y Two Open Questions (A Verdict Now Or Later?)

8-8-1999 Apprehensive about how his works will be judged.

(The “he” in this poem is “me.”) _____ 1.

He kept his works to himself − All that work Kept secret.

2.

He didn’t want to show his work to anyone For he was never sure How’d well they’d be received.

So he kept them to himself − “At least for now,” That’s what he always told himself, “At least for now.”

224

3.

He used to dream about the day That he’d unveil them But it scared him When he thought about What the verdict might be.

What if they were flatly rejected?

What if all those years of work Were all for naught?

Would he be able to handle that?

4.

So for now he thought it better To continue to keep them secret And just leave them to his loved ones When the life goes out of him.

5.

He always worried about Which might be the better Or which might be worse?

A verdict now?

Or a verdict after he is gone?

6.

Two open and pressing questions Looking for an answer − Or maybe not. *****

225

y The Straddlers 8-10-1999 On caution, haste and indecision. _____ 1.

The elders – Burdened by the memories Of all the bad decisions they’ve made in the past − Are overly cautious and apprehensive And cast their vote: “Against!”

2.

The young – On the other hand Make their decisions with lightning speed.

Unencumbered by either caution or experience They impulsively decide and act without debate And cast their vote: “For!”

226

3.

Then there are The straddlers − Who are in between, Unsure of themselves, Never clear on any of the issues And always having multiple opinions But never a conviction And who vote: To “Postpone!”

4.

Oh those straddlers – What an interesting lot they are – Always quick to argue, “On the one hand…”

And then immediately follow with, “But then again, on the other hand…”

5.

On those straddlers − Always rigging the game for the draw And never going for the win; Making equalizing truths Out of inequalities; Making airy suppositions Without any solid underlying theory; Aiming to prolong Rather than conclude.

227

6.

Oh those straddlers − Always ready to reverse their last conclusion; Pencils first Erasers next; Driving East Then making U-turns to the West; Summing all the pluses and the minuses And coming out to zero; Debating and debating But never choosing; Sitting high in their saddles But never spurring their horses on; Always indecisive And waiting to be lead.

7.

Oh those straddlers − For wouldn’t you know it That when it finally comes for them to vote again They decide not to vote at all But rather: “To Abstain!” *****

228

y I Only Wish That I Had Started Earlier 3-27-2000 Regrets about timing. _____ 1.

There was a time I thought That in my old age There wouldn’t be much for me to do Or look forward to.

But I was wrong For now I see ahead of me a bounty of things That will keep me busy until I die.

2.

So many books to read And things to learn; And so much music and poetry Yet to write.

3.

With all the things I see ahead of me I just regret That I hadn’t started earlier And allowed myself to fall so far behind For now I’ve got a mass of catching up to do.

229

4.

Although I can’t complain too much And feel lucky That I caught it just in time I only wish That I had started earlier. *****

230

y Can Anything Matter Here On Earth?

(The Annihilation Of Life) 8-23-2000 The insignificance of the Earth. _____ 1.

At one time the Earth got angled differently Which caused the sun to dim And the world to become extremely cold.

Ice formed Up from the South And down from the North Almost to the equator.

2.

Almost every form of life had died.

The life that had taken A billion years to make Was now all gone.

3.

But in little pools of icy water Some life had managed to hide away And hold their little breaths Waiting to emerge When things got better.

231

4.

It took another billion years or so Before the sun became itself again.

And another billion For life to flourish as before.

5.

But then another catastrophe occurred When an asteroid hit the Earth And the clouds of dust and the fire storm that followed Smothered and burned all that new-born life And everything died again − Well almost everything – For just enough was spared To start life up again − Over another billion years.

6.

While events such as these Are catastrophic to the Earth − Even to the point of its complete annihilation − It wouldn’t matter one iota to the Universe For how could anything − To or about this infinitesimal grain of sand of ours That’s lost and invisible In the huge, black and endless sea of Space it’s in − Ever matter to anything? *****

232

y Mother Earth (Queen Moon) 9-9-2000 We personify and beautify many things. _____ 1.

Looking up I saw the clouds Passing by the Moon Like guests in a royal receiving line.

And as each one passed They bowed and kissed the hand of the Moon, Her Majesty the Queen.

2.

As beautiful and majestic as I saw the Queen In my fantasy mind and romantic heart I also saw her for what she really was − Just a tiny barren rock in space That by chance had found itself Neatly circling the Earth Governed by a simple set Of unemotional laws of physics.

233

3.

But even knowing The stark, cold and scientific realities about her I can’t help but push all that aside And with trumpets blaring in her honor Escort her to her throne, Kneel before her, And pledge my loyalty to her As my beautiful and gracious Queen.

4.

I also saw our Earth for what she was too − Just another rock in space With a thin egg-shell skin of air around it Representing both our biosphere That our little insect lives suckle off And our little strip of insulation That protects us from both the heat of our hellish Sun And from the freezing cold of outer space.

5.

But even with that harsh and unadoring picture I can’t help seeing her as I see the Moon − As something much more than just a rock in space But rather as a dear and caring Mother.

234

6.

Oh Mother Earth − You tiny speck of almost nothing In a massive galaxy of stars and cosmic dust Moving through a cold and empty endless void of space At an incomprehensible speed of 67,000 miles per hour − You present such mystery and wonder to us And raise so many questions in our minds That beg for answers.

7.

For example, Mother Earth At the rapid speed you’re going How is it that we feel As though we’re just standing still?

And how is it that at that speed That we and everything else on your surface Just doesn’t fly right off?

Oh Mother Earth While you show us, your awe-struck children, All your magic tricks You never tell us how they’re done.

8.

I’m always amazed as to how we can survive In this tough cosmic neighborhood we live in − In this vast, endless, and hostile Universe − With just you, our little fragile Mother Earth protecting us With only that gossamer veil of atmosphere as our shield.

And should you turn away from us − Even for a moment − I know that space would take us in a second.

235

9.

I saw everything In its cold and scientific perspective And understand the stark reality of it all In that we’re all just in a cosmic ghetto Where our Mother and our Queen and us Are always at risk And that our complete extinctions Could come at any time.

I also understand that even if it did It would mean absolutely nothing To this massive and impersonal Universe That we are in.

10.

But even so − Even with things so fragile, cold and threatening − I can’t but somehow think – Just by looking at you two And your regal glory − That everything is friendly and beautiful And will stay that way forever.

236

11.

Oh yes, dear Earth and Moon While it’s true that you are each Little more than two rocks flying around in circles In black-cold hostile space It’s also true That to us You are beautiful and majestic And will always be our loving Mother And our gracious Queen. *****

237

y The Cabo Frio Light 10-1-2000 One night in 1979, I sailed 65 miles up the coast of Brazil alone in my little 22 foot sailboat, which had no navigation lights, charts, compass or radio, as they were prohibited to foreigners for national security reasons. I therefore had to navigate by sound. When the surf sounded too loud, I turned away and sailed out to sea. When it sounded too faint, I sailed in towards the shore. In effect I was sounding my way along the coast. Over the course of the night the seas became rough and threatening making the trip scary and so tiring that I even began hallucinating toward the end. When I finally saw the Cabo Frio Light House, I was so relieved, for at least I knew roughly where I was.

(I have a painting depicting that scary trip and every time I look at it I get that same old scared feeling that I had that night.) _____ 1.

I was sailing alone Up the coast of Brazil In my little 22 foot sailboat.

I started out in the early evening.

2.

Then darkness came And threw its cloak over us And by the time the night had fully set in The sea had turned black, rough and threatening.

238

3.

Without a moon I could hardly see a thing And felt a mob of fears Come over me.

4.

The sea got rougher as the night progressed And dark white-capped waves Threw me about the boat Knocking me from side to side Like a gang of bullies would.

5.

It was a hard, long and lonely sail Along the rocky and unlit coast And as the waves got bigger I wondered if my boat could stand up against This big, black and growling Atlantic Ocean I was in.

6.

Then I saw it!

Two hours before dawn!

It was the Cabo Frio Light!

The one that I’d been looking for!

The one that I’d been praying for!

239

7.

Though still far away from land – For the wind and current Had set me far off shore to the East − I grabbed that light With my bulging eyes − Eyes that were tired from the wind And burning from the salt − And wouldn’t let go of it!

8.

From fatigue and lack of sleep I began to hallucinate a little But still held on to that light.

9.

While my fatigue And all the elements of Wind, salt and the rough seas Tried to wrestle my eyes off that light I wouldn’t let go of it!

I couldn’t lose it now For it was the only thing I had To offer to my fears. *****

240

y

One Pencil’s Worth 10-14-2000 Out of a lot might come only a little. _____ 1.

Though I’ve written Over a thousand pencils’ worth of poetry I have to face the disheartening thought That out of all of them there might only be One single pencil’s worth that has any value.

And with that prospect There comes a great deal of emotional debate inside of me With a number of speakers representing those emotions Clamoring to voice their opinions.

241

2.

First Discouragement, Anger and Denial Rush to the podium Each one fighting for the microphone To express their hurtful and emotionally opposing views.

“Just one pencil’s worth?!

That’s ridiculous!

That’s impossible!

That just can’t be!

Only one pencil’s worth?!

After all that time and effort?!”

And with their stirring and excited speeches Almost all the audience is on its feet yelling in agreement With their fists punching at the air Until they exhausted themselves.

3.

Next Hope and Optimism come up to the stage − Each one politely deferring to the other And calmly voicing their joint opinion: “Only one pencil’s worth?

While only one pencil’s worth doesn’t sound like much It’s better than nothing.”

Then they add, “Maybe it’s only one pencil’s worth today But with a little bit of luck there may be more tomorrow For only time will tell.”

The supporters for these speakers Remain in their seats And voice their subdued support Then go silent.

242

4.

Then When all the speakers have had their say And almost everyone had left the hall And only their echoes remained The final speakers, Reality and Acceptance, Assume the podium And address the now quiet and thinly populated hall, “One pencil’s worth?

Well if that’s the case We’ll just have to be satisfied with the fact That we tried our best And did it primarily for ourselves And for the art of writing And just as Hope and Optimism have pointed out Maybe they’ll be more Than one pencil’s worth Tomorrow.” *****

243

y

I Still Don’t Know The Ending (Thumbs Up? Or Thumbs Down?)

10-14-2000 Wondering how life will end for me. _____ 1.

I always worry about the future And what it may hold For even though I’ve safely gotten by and through Many dangers in the past New ones always lie ahead − And even the old ones that I’ve safely passed Have a way of catching up again.

2.

Though I’ve diverted every spear That’s been thrown my way so far I’m always wary of the next.

3.

I always fear that on some fateful day Through some combination of The cunning strategy of a cruel and determined enemy Or a lack of vigilance, over confidence or misplaced trust by me Some well-aimed or errant spear May find its mark in me.

244

4.

The story of my life has been, “So far, so good.”

But how will it end?

How will the final chapters be written?

Thumbs up?

Or thumbs down?

5.

I still don’t know the ending to my story.

Will it have a happy ending?

Or a tragic one?

And who’s in control of that − The characters Or the author?

6.

I always worry about the future And how things will end for me − Thumbs up?

Or thumbs down? *****

245

y

It’ll Be You And Your Laws Who Will Go To Hell 10-15-2000 The antiquated laws surrounding euthanasia. _____ 1.

Yes, I helped him die As that was what he wanted.

And as his last request And as a friend I honored it.

2.

To keep him lingering on in hopeless pain Was inhumane and just not right.

So as a friend, and as he wished, I helped him go When, where and how he wanted to.

246

3.

Yes, in and by your laws I may be guilty of a crime But Judge, your Honor You didn’t have to look at him And see and feel his awful pain As I did.

You didn’t have to listen To all his heart-wrenching pleas As I did.

You didn’t have to see him Close to losing all of his humanity As I did.

And you weren’t his friend As I was.

4.

You may say that by my helping him die I took his life.

But I rather say That I just granted him his wish And gave him back his dignity.

5.

Yes, by your laws you may convict me But that doesn’t mean your judgment would be just For remember well The history of so many of your prior laws That were later overturned as erroneous and barbaric Such as the jailing of debtors and the insane As criminals And the arrest and torture of philosophers and scientists as heretics Just to name a few.

247

6.

Don’t you see?

Your laws that currently surround euthanasia Are misguided and misplaced − Archaic, primitive and unjust − And in time will be replaced As they’re all based on Superstition, fear, and misunderstanding As well as legal, medical and religious voodoo.

7.

Yes At my trial, In your courts, And by your laws You may find me guilty And damn me to death and even to Hell But in a higher, more sophisticated and future court of law Founded on the laws of common sense and humanity I’ll be exonerated.

8.

And as for you − At your trial in History − You and your laws Will be found guilty And it’ll be you and your laws Who will be damned and go to Hell. *****

248

y

That’s Just The Chance I’ll Have To Take 10-15-2000 No choice but to take my chances on the outcome. _____ 1.

I’m at that age and portal in my life Where I can now appreciate Just how much there’s left to learn and do.

I’m at that point in my life Where I can see how vast the ocean is And how little I know of it.

2.

It’s a new dawn for me.

I’m at the launching ramp And just about to raise my sail And start on a long, long voyage Of learning, discovery and accomplishment And the one that I should have started years ago.

249

3.

With so much yet to learn and do And so little time to do it in I’m often up all hours of the night Reading and writing When I should be sleeping.

But at this juncture of my life With so much catching up to do Sleep and rest are not the options That I can chose.

4.

But with that being said I have to ask myself some penetrating questions: “Even if I do accomplish all that I set out to do But don’t get the satisfaction I thought I’d get Would it have been worth it? − Worth all the time and effort And all the worry and stress?

5.

And further: “Even if I did get That true sense of satisfaction And accomplishment And have a respectable body of work To show for myself What if those who I leave them to Didn’t feel the same And have little interest in them?

Might I have been better off Just relaxing and taking it easy Instead of working so hard?”

250

6.

These are the perplexing questions That I ask myself And for which I have no answers.

But despite it all And the risk that the answers Might not be favorable That’s just the chance I’ll have to take. *****

251

y I Owe It To The Young Man Who I Used To Be 10-16-2000 An obligation to a young composer. _____ 1.

Over a period of 29 years From1962 to1991 Between the ages of 19 and 48 I’ve composed 89 musical compositions: 23 classical pieces for the piano And 66 popular pieces for the guitar.

2.

After finishing them I promised myself That I would bring them To their final and finished form one day − Into CDs for my personal library And leave them As part of a personal inheritance to my family.

I also promised myself That I wouldn’t compose any new music Until I had completed that project.

252

3.

The project was formidable and would involve: Editing the music on their original handwritten manuscripts; Transcribing them into musical software on the computer; Printing them out in formal sheet music form; Finding, hiring and directing musicians to play and record them; Arranging them for various other instruments and styles; Editing the recordings with audio editing software; And finally making them into a series of CDs. 4.

My nature welds me to this task And I’ll work on it With the same tenacity and commitment As I had when I renovated the house.

Which took me more than 7 ½ years to do.

5.

I’m committed to this task Of bringing them to their final form For another reason too.

Being 57 years old now – And getting older − I feel that the old man I am now Owes it to the young man who I used to be And who had taken the time and effort To actually compose those pieces.

253

6.

The young man composer that I was Is now depending on and waiting anxiously for The old man that I am now To come through for him And finish the job that he started Almost 40 years ago.

7.

“Come on”, says the young man on the inside To the old man on the outside, “I’ve done my part And now it’s up you to do yours.

So let’s get going And don’t let me down For we’re in this thing together And at age 57 Time is of the essence” *****

254

y The Minor Keys In Music 10-30-2000 The minor keys represent me. _____ 1.

I love the minor keys − Those melancholy cousins of the major keys.

2.

The minor keys − Have just a little touch of pain and longing in them That make them curiously mournful Yet not depressing And hauntingly different From the upbeat and more perky major keys.

3.

The minor keys − Are more serious and soulful With the kind of difference that makes them Much more relevant to me And more suited to my personality.

255

4.

The minor keys − Are melancholy and sensitive, Deep and moving, Suspicious and reserved, And awkwardly shy.

5.

They are also − Serious, yet not too serious, Ambiguous, yet understandable, Slightly understated, and never overstated, Vague, and always subject to interpretation.

6.

And furthermore they are − Outsiders, rather than insiders, A little against the current and the grain, The long shot and the underdog, Withdrawn and skeptical, A little off-center and slightly out of sync, More bohemian, than mainstream, More intangible, than tangible, And more vague, than obvious.

256

7.

The minor keys − Are languages with complimentary accents, Temptresses who are captivating and exotic, More indirect, than direct, Muted, rather than loud, Less demanding, and more yielding, More giving, than taking, And more like a Monet, than a Rembrandt.

8.

The minor keys are like whispers in your ear, A not-so-solid hand shake, A gentle breeze, rather than a gust of wind, A sigh, rather than a laugh, More of a question, than an answer, A mirage that you can see, but can’t actually touch, A thing you try to catch, but that always seems to get away, The mellow light of dusk, rather than the blinding light at noon; And the moon, rather than the sun.

9.

These are my minor keys − The keys who speak a language that I understand And the true and honest representatives Of my temperament and my moods.

10.

These are my minor keys − So misunderstood by others But not by me. *****

257

y

I’m Not For Everyone 11-2-2000 About personality. _____ 1.

I’m sometimes withdrawn and kind of cold − Moody, touchy and hard to understand And I often anger easily.

2.

But often times I’m just the opposite − Bright and cheery And helpful and understanding − But not for all that long − It never lasts for long.

3.

I’m also kind of nervous and jumpy And easily startled – The result of my genetic And chemical structure?

Or a symptom of my upbringing And or past experiences?

258

4.

I spend a lot of time alone And often times prefer to be alone − So you might even say I’m a bit of a loner − And if not a loner, per se Then at least a very private person.

5.

I sometimes make a promise to myself That I’ll change − That I’ll become a different person − But it rarely works For soon I’m back to being me again.

6.

Yes, I’m a little different And so I guess I shall remain − Mostly to myself And not for everyone. *****

259

y

Memory, You’re Up To Your Old Tricks Again 3-21-2010 Memory is sometimes an unrelenting trickster. _____ 1.

Oh Memory First you let me have you Then you don’t.

What’s with you, anyway?

Why do you have to play These tricks and games with me?

2.

For example: One minute you’re kind And the next you’re mean.

3.

Sometimes You give me the whole picture While other times You tease me with bits and pieces.

4.

You’re also an Indian giver − Giving me something one minute Then taking it back the next.

260

5.

Sometimes you conjure up pleasant memories That make me happy and upbeat But then you offset them With those that are sad and depressing.

6.

And when I really need you You’re often not around.

7.

And if I ask you for something You often give me such a hard time That it feels like I’m pulling teeth.

8.

And should I ask you for something specific You often indiscriminately throw things out at me That have absolutely nothing to do With what I asked you for.

9.

And when I need you to be serious You just want to fool around.

10.

At times you’re very argumentative Insisting that you delivered Exactly what I asked for When in fact you hadn’t.

261

11.

And what I get from you at times Is very unpredictable And like a crap shoot Where there’s just no telling What the roll will bring.

12.

And while you're sometimes Very attentive to my requests I all too often Find you asleep at the switch.

13.

And as far as reliability is concerned I can never depend on you When I really need you.

14.

Furthermore, you’re very inconsistent In that some days you’re helpful and cooperative While other days you’re downright obstinate And fight me tooth and nail.

15.

And here you are now, Memory When I really need your help You’ve decided to play games with me And give me a hard time again.

16.

Here you are, Memory Up to your old tricks again. ***** 262

y

I’m Going In (On Moods) 3-26-2010 Trying to avoid going into a mood. _____ 1.

There it is again Right in front of me − One of my moods Trying to get me again.

2.

When I go left To try to get around it It goes left.

When I go right It goes right.

3.

When I look away Its eyes remain fixed on me.

4.

When I try to stare it down It makes me blink.

263

5.

When I run away It runs after me.

Even if I zigzag It’s able to anticipate my every move.

6.

When I try to ignore it It says, “Psst” And catches my attention.

7.

And despite my efforts Not to listen to it It seduces me With its cunning rhetoric 8.

Despite all my defenses It knows all the buzzwords And all the right buttons to push To exploit my every weakness..

9.

So what can I do?

I can’t seem to get away from it No matter what I do.

10.

So here I go.

“I’m going in − Going in to one of my moods again!” ***** 264