Poems of Neil Michelsen Volume Three

f Poems of Neil Michelsen

Volume 3

f

f Dedication To my family

2015

Neil Michelsen

1960

2013

f

f Preface I began writing at home in Brooklyn in 1960 when I just turned 17.

That was the year my mother died at age 44 with my first poem being about her death. I continued writing through and including my years in the navy and after my discharge.

Then there was an approximate 25 year gap in my writing between the early 1970s and late 1990s when I was focused on my career and bachelor years living in New York City and Rio de Janeiro, travelling, getting married and starting a family and then working 7 ½ years renovating our 1894 home in Connecticut.

I started out writing traditional style poetry but then gravitated to blank verse. Many of my poems may be thought of as poetic chronicles or essays as they record my observations, feelings and experiences.

Some poems represent emotional lows that were written for emotional release and may even take the form of private confessions. Many are heavy, personal and serious which reflect the somewhat introspective side of my nature and personality. A number reflect some of the events of my younger, delinquent and wilder days before I settled down.

I thought about excluding certain poems that were not well written, were too personal or revealing or that talked about my youthful indiscretions but decided to include them for completeness which I hope any readers will take into account.

Although not completely satisfied with the quality of many of the poems I had to make the decision to stop making revisions and edits as a matter of practicality.

Between 1960 and 2014 I’ve written approximately 1,500 poems which have been compiled into 14 volumes: 8 volumes of general poems and 6 volumes of poems that relate to my family. Volume 8 is supplemented with poems that relate to the 911 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in New York City on 9-11-2001. A 15th volume contains a master index of all the poems and a 16th comprises an anthology of selected poems.

The poems in this volume go up through 2014. Those written after 2014 are included in subsequent volumes. The poems are presented roughly in the order that were most favored for their poetic style, subject matter or personal meaning to me.

I apologize if any offense is taken with anything I’ve written as that was not my intent. Also, since these poems were not professionally edited, I apologize for any deficiencies in poetic form and for any grammatical, typographical or spelling errors.

It is my hope that these poems, along with my other personal works (i.e. my journals, books and other writings; music compositions; family movies and photo albums; paintings; and various collections and memorabilia) will serve as my legacy and mark in life as well as a personal inheritance to my family.

f Table of Contents No Title and Dedication Preface 1. Will It Have All Been Worth It? 2. My Best Ambassador Is Gone 3. Just By Our Association 4. Something’s Happening To Me 5. Just Before I Go To Sleep I Think About My Life 6. Fluff Up My Pillow 7. The More I Finish − The More I Start 8. Oh Wine, You Are My Best Friend 9. I Can Hear A Blade Of Grass Bending 10. Soon I’ll Be An Empty Shell 11. To Her − To Him 12. We Are Of Little Consequence 13. Just Enough To Keep My Prized Piano Tuned 14. A Song That Everybody Sings 15. Questions, Questions 16. Has The Third One Arrived?

17. Keep Your Jewels 18. Graffiti Wars 19. Trying To Find The Words 20. Safely In Their Graves 21. My Gentlemen’s Club 22. Justice In Between 23. Barely Enough 24. The Gates Fly Open 25. I’m Just A Sensitive And Temperamental Guy 26. An Indulgent Fantasy 27. Have I Found My Peace Of Mind?

28. I Set My Mind To Dwell On Her (To Judy) 29. Retirement (To My Family) 30. Taking It To His Afterlife 31. One Sour Word 32. Life Was Imposed On Us

Pg 1 3 5 7 12 14 16 17 20 23 25 28 29 30 32 34 38 40 41 43 44 47 51 52 54 56 58 60 63 66 68 70

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His Exit Strategy Just Right Around The Corner The Death Of Summer I’ve Put Adventure On The Shelf Getting His Own Private Room A Thousand Bottles Launched It’s Always Me Daydreaming A Face On The Moon Last Night (On Gwen) Christmas Lights This Little Patch Of Air A Zero Sum Game?

Hadn’t I Made Any Progress?

Neon Sunrise Something, Nothing Or Neither?

It All Depends Upon Your Point Of View Here I Am But Here I’m Not With The Reward Of Heaven Comes The Risk Of Hell You Could Have Gone On By It Was The Only Thing That Needed Him Ghosts In This Old House?

I’m A Dead And Dried Up Leaf I Am A Miner And A Fisherman You Just Never Know Has He Ever? As Much As I? The Best Of Starts − The Worst Of Ends For Crimes I Didn’t Even Do When We Die Thirteen Summers Left In Life Mining For A Special Kind Of Gold Worry, Worry Just Passing Through No Time To Lose Thank God For Worries The Criminal Justice System She Passed The Scepter To Me 12 Feet Marks The Entire Range Of Our Existence Slowly Driving Past Your House What Took You So Long?

Then Please Don’t Bury Me At All Not With A Lie

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Will You Go Out With Me Tonight?

In Many Ways I Envy Him Where Is My Drink?

When The Snow Came I Found Myself Alone America, You’ve Taken Our Kids Chasing Sticks And Rabbits I Was Only Slightly Off Painting By The Numbers And This Is Sad Forever Ballrooms, Palaces And Cinderella Loves This Hole That Never Seems To Close Where The Snow Would Never Melt On Me I Said I Would − I Said I Wouldn’t Staring Out My Window − Just Like Before?

Reaching For A Mother’s Hand My Death Will Be An Inside Job Oh Life, You Are Without Pity Or Emotion Please Look (To Sharon) It’s All About The Process The Way To Go Until The Wolfman Reappeared A Matter Of Perspective That’s Because You're Looking At My Outside Conscripts Of Nature My Personality For Better Or Worse I Listened To Everyone But Myself Down On Paper And Out of My System Don’t Overdo It Everyone Gets The Blues “What’s It’s All About?”

Ground Hog Day It Just May Take A Little Getting Used To My Heart Can’t Heal Itself I Live For New Beginnings Will It End The Way It All Began?

Children And Old Men What’s Left To Salvage?

The Party-Pooper Purgatory Instead Of Hell Having My Cake And Eating It Too Quiet Morn Respite And Recovery

157 159 160 162 164 168 170 172 174 177 178 179 181 183 185 187 189 191 192 194 195 197 198 199 201 202 203 205 206 207 208 211 213 215 217 221 222 225 227 229 232 234

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Never Bet Against The Odds The Magic Show Rifle Shots In Winter Collision At Sea Help Is On The Way Eccentricity A Martyr For The Cause Don’t Mourn For Me No Match For All The Evil You Have Done Rebuilding − Brick By Brick Always In The Way If Books Were All I Had *****

236 239 242 244 252 254 256 261 262 264 267 269

Poems of Neil Michelsen

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y Will It Have All Been Worth It? 4-29-2001 On the value of my work. _____ 1.

Will it have all been worth it? – Worth all the time and effort that I put into: My poetry and music, My family movies, My photo albums and my journals, And all the other personal projects − Worth all the things I’ve had to give up or postpone?

2.

And will it have all been worth it If there’s little appreciation From the ones I love and leave them to?

3.

Will it have all been worth it − Worth all the time and stress involved so far And all that I plan to put into them in the future To bring them up to some undefined standard − All the writing, rewriting and the editing − And all the hope and expectations I have for them If they have no perpetuity?

1

4.

With these possible head-on collisions Of wasted time and disappointment Looming up ahead Should I just stop driving And get off the road?

5.

While it may be the logical thing to do Is that really something I can do?

Is that a thing that’s even possible for me? − To abandon everything?

6.

I don’t think so For I’m too far pregnant now.

7.

I don’t think so For I’m like a mother Fiercely protective of her children. *****

2

y My Best Ambassador Is Gone 4-29-2001 I worry that any critique of my works will be tainted by my age. _____ 1.

Although I’ve been writing for 50 years I’ve never shared my music or my poetry with anyone − Much less publish them.

2.

And during that time I’ve gone from a young man to an old man.

And in that process I’ve perhaps lost The greatest ambassador I had for my works – My youth − For who would be much impressed by anything Coming from a tired old man?

3

3.

I never saw age as being a factor With respect to the acceptance of my works.

But now I’m not so sure Because I now can see That it may be difficult for people To see past the old-man shell they see in front of them And to the young man who wrote these works many years ago And who’s living incognito inside of him For perception is everything And often trumps reality.

4.

So, because of this I wonder if my works will ever be judged On their merits alone Rather than by The current appearance of their author?

Can the messenger Deliver the message?

5.

It’s sad But a possible fact of life That perhaps the best ambassador of my works − My youth – Is gone. *****

4

y Just By Our Association 5-1-2001 We are insignificant as well as significant. _____ 1.

I’m sitting on the back porch sofa Looking out into the night Captivated by the moonlight Painted on the surfaces Of all the leaves and branches Of every bush and tree.

2.

And as I study it I’m reminded Of where it’s coming from.

3.

So I raise my eyes and mind − And ascend Past the trees, clouds and atmosphere And past the solar system Until I arrive in deep, deep outer space – In a Universe Of a hundred billion galaxies In a black and endless sea.

5

4.

I’ve never been rooted in this world But rather always out there Among the stars.

5.

But soon I’m back And sitting on the sofa again Realizing all the more Just how small and insignificant we are When compared to this endless Cosmos we are in − But at the same time How significant we are Just by being a part of it – Just by association. *****

6

y

Something’s Happening To Me 7-1-2001 Has Life taken a physical toll on me? _____ 1.

Something seems to have worn me down.

It’s nothing sharply noticeable But rather only A slow and draining feeling inside of me That seems to have sapped my strength.

2.

Might it be the accumulated effects of: My stressful early years at home?

Working my way through college and graduate school?

Getting so many professional degrees?

The hard living I did during my bachelor years?

The strain of working 7 ½ years fixing up our house?

The worries during our children’s teenage years?

The time and effort keeping up the house and grounds ourselves?

The stress of losing so many jobs and looking for new ones?

Working and commuting very long hours?

The intense work on my music and writing projects?

Never getting enough rest and sleep?

Being a worry-wart and worrying about everything?

And last but not least The effect of just getting old?

7

3.

Push, push, push − I’ve always been pushing.

Have all these things, over time Taken their toll on me?

Have they worn me out?

Have they drained my batteries down?

Am I beginning to succumb?

4.

Is it a signal that I should slow down Before it’s too late?

Why do I need to push so hard Even when at times I’m dead on my feet?

5.

Although I know I need my sleep I also know I need every waking moment To finish what I’ve set out to do in life.

I’m literally in a race with death − A race to build enough financial security For my family and retirement And to get all my personal projects done As a personal legacy for myself And a personal inheritance for my family.

8

6.

Am I feeling That my time is near?

Am I smelling Death in the air?

Am I sensing The approach of an early death?

And is that the same sense that dying animals have When their death is near?

7.

All of my defenses seem so weak these days And make me feel so vulnerable.

Is this the sign that Death is sneaking up on me And will soon have its way with me?

8.

Like an animal in an open field I feel a hundred preying eyes on me − Waiting − Waiting for the moment When they can take me down.

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9.

The herd is younger And moving faster now And I’m having trouble keeping up.

And those preying eyes that are in the bush Can see my growing difficulty And their parallel opportunity.

They’re sighting in on me From just above the line of prairie grass More focused now than ever before.

They seem to have risen from their crouched positions Ready to pounce But just waiting for the exact and proper moment − For timing’s everything And they and I both know it.

10.

Something’s happening to me.

I’ve been noticeably more tired lately And feel a waning of my strength That I hadn’t felt before.

11.

And offsetting my natural instinct for survival Is the opposing feeling that I’m having − The insecure feeling that “I’m ready.”

Have I resigned myself to Nature’s plan As well as her timing?

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12.

I feel I’m much more vulnerable now Than I’ve ever been before − Enough perhaps to allow Death to overtake me And win this race we’re in Earlier, rather than later.

13.

It seems I may be at the tipping point Between Life and Death − At the border crossing Of two competing And often warring countries.

14.

Please, Death Don’t be impatient.

Just give me a little while longer here To finish all my work After which I’ll put on my best and bravest smile, Greet you with open arms, And give you my firmest handshake. *****

11

y Just Before I Go To Sleep I Think About My Life 7-21-2001 A glass of wine is my end-of-day reward and evening companion. _____ 1.

Both Vi and the kids Are in their rooms Sound asleep.

2.

And me?

I’m sitting by the window In the dark With the cool air brushing over me Drawn in by the attic fan Set on low Drinking my nightly glass of wine Just before I go to sleep.

3.

It’s here and now – Alone and in the dark And thinking introspectively That I have the best sense of myself − The best sense of this thing called “me.”

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4.

My glass of wine Is my little end-of-day reward For getting through the day.

It’s also my reflecting mirror Of all things past.

And it’s my crystal ball into the future To help me see what may be up ahead for me.

5.

My glass of wine is my wishing well That I stare into And make my wishes.

6.

So here I sit Squarely centered Between my Past and my Future − The Past on my left, The Future on my right, And me in the Present Right in the middle 7.

So here I sit each night Alone in the dark With my little glass of wine – My evening companion − Reflecting upon my life Backwards and forwards Just before I go to sleep. *****

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y Fluff Up My Pillow (Manila) 8-15-2001 I hope to face Death bravely and smiling.

(Written on our family trip to the Philippines.) _____ 1.

Fluff up my pillow And sit me up straight So I can wait alert and proper For Death’s arrival.

2.

Prop me up so I can greet This thing called Death With the proper protocol.

3.

And when it comes I’ll greet it with both a smile and a sigh As I would for a long-expected friend.

4.

I’ll wait for it As a dog waits for its master − Ears up and staring at the door.

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5.

Fluff up my pillow So I can fully engage its eyes, Take its hand, And start my voyage From this life into the next In good and honorable decorum.

6.

Prop up my pillow And let Death see me Alert, attentive And waiting at my bravest best. *****

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y

The More I Finish − The More I Start 8-24-2001 My work will never be completed. _____ 1.

Even though I’m sick with a fever And deadly tired today I must continue on with my writing For I have so much to finish And so much yet to start.

2.

Pressure, pressure Always pressure Most of which is self-imposed.

3.

Whenever I finish one thing I start two others.

4.

The more I finish The more I start So the chance I’ll finish everything Seems highly unlikely. *****

16

y Oh Wine, You Are My Best Friend 10-8-2001 What I see in my evening glass of wine. _____ 1.

Oh Wine You are the best friend that I ever had.

You are my faithful and silent supporter.

You know your place and never talk back And only speak when spoken to.

You’re also a patient listener No matter how long I go on.

2.

Oh Wine You are also reliable and dependable And always there for me whenever I need you.

You’re also my confidant For I can tell you anything and everything And know you’ll keep it secret.

And although you can’t talk You always give me good advice.

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3.

Oh Wine You help me make it through my day Because I know you’re there at home Waiting for me.

You’re also very patient with me And never get upset No matter how late I get home.

4.

Oh Wine When I finally do get home from work You help me unwind By keeping me company And letting me tell you all about my day.

And, most importantly, When I’m ready to go to bed You tuck me in and tell me a bedtime story Then sprinkle sand in my eyes And put me fast asleep.

5.

Oh Wine You help me celebrate All the battles that I’ve won And console me On all the ones I’ve lost.

6.

Oh Wine You’re also my beautiful mistress Who loves me through the night But is discreetly gone by morning.

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7.

Oh Wine You’re the best friend I ever had And sometimes My only friend. *****

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y I Can Hear A Blade Of Grass Bending 10-12-2001 Imagining what it would be like to be the size of an insect.

(Remembering the movies, “The Incredible Shrinking Man”, “The Fantastic Voyage” and “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids.”) _____ 1.

I’m just a tiny person Walking through the lawn.

I’m so small That I have to bend Each blade of grass in front of me − One by one − In order to pass.

2.

The blades are tall And way above my head.

And as I bend them To the left and to the right I can actually hear them creak.

And when I let them go I can hear them Springing back behind me.

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3.

An ant forages to my left With its antennas flailing about.

It’s up to my chest in height And I worry that if I’m caught by it Its pincers would easily cut me in half.

4.

I hear something rustling to my right.

It’s a giant black beetle With the sun reflecting off its shell like a mirror And almost blinding me.

5.

I frightened a moth Which flew away in a panic Startling me And the powder from its wings Burned my eyes Making everything go blurry for a while.

6.

I use a twig To help me keep my balance And make my way Through all the undergrowth.

I also use it to fend off predators.

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7.

I hear the mating calls and battle cries Of thousands of insects; The stretching sounds of the silk threads As spiders weave their webs; And the sticky repetitive footsteps Of a passing centipede.

I also smell the repugnant odor of a slug As it makes its slimy way across a rock.

Oh what a teeming little other world this is.

8.

It’s a frightening jungle I’m in − So lush and thick That I can hardly see anything ahead of me.

It’s a world where everything’s so big − Each pebble is a bolder And each stalk of grass is a tree trunk.

9.

It’s a perilous trek I have begun − For at any moment I could be eaten alive.

It’s also a daunting one For I still have The entire lawn ahead of me. *****

22

y

Soon I’ll Be An Empty Shell 10-12-2001 Life is built on nurturing and sacrificing for the young. _____ 1.

Knowingly and willingly I’m slowly being drained In the caring of my dearest children.

I’m slowly being sacrificed As part of Nature’s way − Parents nurturing and protecting their young Physically, emotionally and financially Even to the point Where there may be nothing left of them.

2.

This sacrifice is made out of love and instinct Both of which Are indistinguishable from the other.

It’s a parent-to-child Life-to-Life transition − One life sacrificing its life For another.

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3.

In time All that may be left of me Might just be an empty shell Discarded in the sand And blowing in the wind.

4.

But that’s the way it is With this parent and child relationship − With this love and instinct correlation − And the willing sacrifice That every parent makes For love of their children. *****

24

y

To Her − To Him 11-13-2001 What she sees as negative he sees as positive. _____ 1.

To her, it’s an ugly wart.

To him, it’s a beauty mark.

2.

To her, she lacks self-confidence.

To him, she’s just naturally shy.

3.

To her, she feels she’s too sensitive about things.

To him, it’s just a sweet endearing vulnerability.

4.

To her, her ups and downs are disconcerting.

To him, they’re only charming varieties of mood.

5.

To her, her words don’t come out right.

To him, all her mistakes are cute and loveable.

6.

To her, she cannot make decisions.

To him, he feels that he’ll always wear the pants.

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7.

To her, she’s too dependent.

To him, he likes to know he’ll always be needed.

8.

To her, she’s so naïve about everything.

To him, he rather calls it innocence.

9.

To her, she’s timid and all too quiet.

To him, it’s just her sweet femininity.

10.

To her, she’s never been demanding enough.

To him, he knows she’ll give him peace of mind.

11.

To her, she’s never been that smart.

To him, she makes him feel secure.

12.

To her, she’s all too introverted.

To him, he knows he’ll never be upstaged.

13.

To her, she has little grace or poise.

To him, she’s down to earth and has no airs.

14.

To her, she’s not so pretty or attractive.

To him, he knows she’ll not be wooed away.

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15.

To her, she’s not as socially graced as she’d like to be.

To him, she’ll always be there at home for him.

16.

To her, she’s not pretty enough for anyone to want to marry her But to him, she’s the most beautiful girl in the world And who he’ll one day ask to be his wife. *****

27

y We Are Of Little Consequence 1-7-2002 How inconsequential we are compared to the Universe. _____ 1.

How insignificant we are − Merely microscopic organisms Crawling around on a tiny grain of sand Lost and invisible In an infinite Universe.

2.

If a candle went out in Africa What would it matter to the world?

It wouldn’t.

3.

If all of life on Earth Were to become extinct − Or even if our entire planet were to disappear − What would it matter to the Universe?

It wouldn’t, either. *****

28

y Just Enough To Keep My Prized Piano Tuned 1-26-2002 One man’s simple priority in life. _____ 1.

My life is nothing like it used to be.

I’ve lost my youth, my money and my status in life.

I’ve also lost my home And now I only have this rented room.

2.

Buttered toast and coffee, Soup and sandwiches, Rice, chicken and beans Is mostly all I eat these days − Except for when I treat myself To a nice steak once in a while.

3.

I’m down to the hard basics of life And the only real pleasure I have Is playing my piano.

4 While I’m sad that everything’s so tight I’m relieved to know That I’ll probably have just enough To keep my prized piano tuned. *****

29

y A Song That Everybody Sings 2-8-2002 Wanting to be remembered for something. _____ 1.

To write one song That everybody sings − ~ One saying That everybody quotes. ~ One poem That everybody reads. ~ To paint one picture That everyone admires. ~ To find a new star That everybody points to. ~ 2.

All I want out of life Is do or create some little thing That I’ll be remembered for.

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3.

No matter how unlikely it may be I believe That with the confluence Of perseverance, time and luck Anything is possible − Which is what keeps me trying.

4.

Out of a thousand failures All you need is one success − One lucky stumble onto something That people will remember − One simple little song That maybe just comes to you Out of the blue But that afterwards Everybody sings. *****

31

y Questions, Questions 2-14-2002 Light or heavy questions depending how you look at them. _____ 1.

Can we communicate by thought?

2.

Are Heaven and Hell really places And Good and Evil, actually things?

3.

Does everything have a soul Or a spirit, as the American Indians believe?

4.

Is it really true that matter and energy Can neither be created or destroyed?

5.

And why wouldn’t the soul decompose Just as the body does?

6.

Has it really been proven, definitively That nothing can travel faster than light?

7.

Does music truly reflect one’s soul Or is it nothing more than organized sound?

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8.

Does it seem at all logical or plausible for there to actually be The two antagonists of God and the Devil − Like Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty?

9.

Is there any purpose to our lives Or do we merely exist?

10.

Is mathematics just a clever game Or does it really rule the universe?

11.

Is there such a thing as love Or is it just a higher form of sex?

12.

Is there a God looking over us Or are we really just on our own?

13.

Is everything we see reality Or just perception, as Plato has suggested?

14.

Does it matter what I write − Or even that I write at all?

15.

In the scheme of things Does anything really matter At all? ***** 33

y Has The Third One Arrived?

3-19-2002 Waiting for one more defining moment. _____ 1.

I experienced two defining moments in my life.

One occurred in college and the other in the Navy And when they came to me They were as powerful as two bolts of lightning.

2.

They were true awakenings for me That made me see with crystal clarity How I had to change my way of thinking about certain things And the new direction I had to take in life.

They helped me better understand myself And more bravely face my fears.

While these awakenings profoundly helped me − I wanted more.

34

3.

So ever since then I’ve been waiting − Waiting for the next defining moment; The one that would change me Most fundamentally of all; The one that would give me true inner peace; The panacea for all my worries, ills and discontentment; The one that would give me the perfect attitude in life; The one that would enable me to handle Anything that Life threw at me Without panic or depression But rather With philosophical and stoic confidence And calm acceptance.

4.

Each one of my former breakthroughs Was accompanied by a crisis.

So I’ve been on the look-out − Scrutinizing every crisis − Looking for the one that just might usher in That ultimate and final breakthrough − That ultimate defining moment.

35

5.

Lately I’ve been feeling a little different − Like something’s happening inside of me.

Is it here?

Has it arrived?

Has it finally come?

After nearly 40 years of waiting Has the third one finally come? − That revelation?

That awakening?

That breakthrough?

The one that would give me True peace of mind?

6.

Has the third and final one actually arrived But come so subtly That I hadn’t noticed it?

Expecting that it would come In a very obvious and dramatic manner Had I let it slip right past me?

Had I been looking for a crisis to herald its arrival And possibly missed its unassuming advent?

Had I been watching the front door And failed to see it coming in the back?

7.

With the strange and different feelings I’ve been having Has third one finally come?

36

8.

I suppose though If I have to ask that question It probably hasn’t come as yet And I’ll just have to keep on waiting. *****

37

y Keep Your Jewels (They’re No Match For Her Beads Of Colored Glass) 3-19-2002 A preference for unadorned simplicity. _____ 1.

Yes You can catch my attention With your attention-getting laughs And your sultry smiles.

And yes You can show off Your fine expensive rings and necklaces And promenade yourself As a peacock would.

2.

Yes I’ve noticed them – and you.

And know how expensive and beautiful they are And the impressive draw They have on most − But sorry Not on me.

38

3.

For me My eyes are on The one who wears those simple beads of colored glass − The one over there, on the other side of the room − The one who never draws attention to herself And whose eyes are always slightly lowered − The quiet, shy and silent one.

She’s the one that I’m attracted to And the one I’m looking for.

4.

You can’t impress me With who you are and what you wear For my heart and mind are focused somewhere else − On something much more genuine and unassuming.

5.

So keep your diamonds and your precious jewels And all the things you have That sparkle and allure For they’re just no contest For the shy and quiet girl who wears Those simple beads of colored glass. *****

39

y Graffiti Wars 3-20-2002 I get so upset when I see graffiti on buildings. ______ 1.

I’m on the train Looking out the window And seeing graffiti everywhere.

2.

It’s very painful for me To see so many buildings Defaced and scarred.

3.

It’s like a war Where each attack claims another victim − Where building after building Fall like wounded soldiers On a bloody battle field.

4.

Each defacement is an open wound That’s hard for me to look at Without feeling sick and angry in my gut.

I’m not made For this kind of war. *****

40

y Trying To Find The Words 3-24-2002 My restless late-night writings. _____ 1.

Although it’s late I’m still awake Trying to find the words For what I want to write.

2.

I just can’t get to sleep For there are so many things That are brawling in my head And trying to get out and onto paper.

3.

So I sip my wine Watch a little TV Get up and pace the floor a bit To try and coax things out of me.

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4.

I blankly stare ahead Thinking, thinking Searching, searching For the proper words to write − Searching for the words that agitate inside of me And compete amongst themselves To represent my feelings.

5.

Several times I call my Muse Begging for help But she’s ignoring me right now.

6.

So tonight It looks as though I’m on my own With just my own crude devices With which to work things out.

7.

So with that being the case It looks as though It will take a lot more time And a few more glasses of wine. *****

42

y Safely In Their Graves 3-26-2002 Peace takes many forms. _____ 1.

While riding on the train I passed a cemetery And noticed all the colored flowers On the graves.

2.

The graves were all lined up In neat and even rows And seemed so organized and peaceful.

3.

“Look at all those lucky people”, I thought to myself, “Who are finally free Of all the worries of the world.”

4.

In many ways I envied them − All those lucky people − Neatly tucked away And safely in their graves. *****

43

y

My Gentlemen’s Club 4-8-2002 My personal and private club. _____ 1.

When it’s late and Mom’s asleep I sit by the window In the corner of the room And sip a glass of wine.

2.

I sit in the dark silence Sipping my wine and reflecting While I wait for my eyes to adjust And the muted shapes within it To gain their confidence And begin to emerge.

3.

Soon they do And I’m in the sitting room Of my private gentlemen’s club And the waiter just asked me If I wanted anything else.

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4.

My room is my private gentlemen’s club − The one with the high-backed leather chairs, Floor-to-ceiling windows, Walls of paneled wood, precious hanging art, Persian rugs, and antique table lamps.

5.

Here at my club It’s so nice and quiet – Perfect for my quiet dreams And soft reflections.

6.

Also The dress code is very informal So much so That I can even be there In my pajamas.

7.

The accommodations are great as well For my guest bed Is right there next to me Ready and waiting.

8.

What’s also grand about my club Is that it’s open all the time.

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9.

And finally The fees are very reasonable And I have a paid-up lifetime membership.

10.

Soon I notice that my drink is gone Which makes me feel As though I’d lost a friend.

Should I make a new one And stay a little longer?

Or should I just turn in?

11.

Since I’ve drunk my quota And kept the staff up long enough I think I’ll just turn in And call it a night.

12.

But not to worry though − For there’s always tomorrow When I’ll be back again. *****

46

y Justice In Between 4-17-2002 Taking justice into your own hands. _____ 1.

He’s gone after me so many times before And does it every chance he gets.

Yes, the law had jailed him For some of the crimes he’d done to me But not for all of them.

And for those he had been sentenced for The sentences were all too light And never long enough To give me any lengthy peace of mind Or the justice I deserved.

2.

I was always counting down the days When he’d be out again.

And when he did get out I was always afraid That he’d come after me Even more viciously than before − Which is exactly what he did.

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3.

So this time when he got out And came after me I knew I had to do something.

I knew I had to end this vicious cycle Once and for all For if I didn’t I’d always be his victim 4.

Should I kill him as he deserved?

Should I shoot him or stab him to death?

No, too drastic and too dangerous − And besides, I’d be prosecuted for whatever I did And have to languish in some prison somewhere And only have replaced one form of punishment With another.

5.

But somehow I had to stop this cycle.

There must be something else I could do – Something “in between” − For both my protection And my peace of mind Were at stake.

6.

I knew the law was not enough To either give me adequate protection Or the justice I deserved So I had to take my chances And do something else – Something “in between.”

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7.

So when he came at me this time I summoned up all my courage Took precise and focused aim And with my little pen-knife Stabbed out one of his eyes!

8.

But as I thought about it a little more And all the things he’d done to me − And all the things he’ll do again − I stabbed the other one out as well!

9.

Now that he was blind The cycle has been broken.

The Cyclops has been punished And with a punishment more in line With all the terror he had caused.

And as for me? − I was finally safe.

10.

Now he would have to suffer each and every day The way he made me suffer every day.

Not only had justice been served But also, sweet revenge.

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11.

I know I’ll have to take my chances with the law But with his record of prior offences And my plea of self-defense I’ll hopefully gain the sympathy of the court.

And even if I have to do some time It would be a minor price to pay For all the future peace I will have gained.

12.

So in my own creative way I served up a just and fitting punishment And one that was something “In between.” *****

50

y Barely Enough 5-10-2002 Long hours at work and a 5 ½ hour commute take a lot out of me. _____ I barely have sufficient stamina To hold myself together Through my working day.

So when I get home There’s very little left of me. *****

51

y The Gates Fly Open 5-10-2002 Going into a trance often helps my writing. _____ 1.

I’m so very tired sometimes That I can hardly concentrate on anything Causing my mind to drift away Into a kind of trance – Half awake and half asleep − And into a kind of no-man’s land.

2.

In this state It’s as if the guards at the gate Had fallen asleep Allowing my creative mind To make its break.

It’s at this point the great escape begins And I begin to write − Automatically and often uncontrollably.

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3.

With the gates flung open Everything that had been locked up Is now released.

Things that couldn’t free themselves before Are freed.

Prisoners that were once jailed Are now either out on parole Or have escaped and are fugitives on the run.

4.

My exhaustion and the trance that I go in Sometimes acts like truth serum Where everything comes out So free and honestly − And surprisingly coherent.

5.

With the gates flung open I just write and write. *****

53

y

I’m Just A Sensitive And Temperamental Guy 5-12-2002 Some random observations about my temperament. _____ 1.

I’m just a sensitive and temperamental guy Who’s far too sensitive, Hurts too easily, And broods too long.

I’m a boiling pot Of discontent and contradiction.

2.

On the one hand − I anger fast And can become hard and cold as stone And seemingly untouchable.

3.

On the other hand − I usually regret my reactions right away And become soft as melted butter But unfortunately by then − Just as it was with my father − It’s usually too late.

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4.

And likewise Despite the hard exterior I can easily be brought to tears By the slightest little sentimental Or touching thought.

5.

I’m content with who I am − But not exactly.

I’m content with others − But not really.

I often want to be alone − Yet ironically I don’t want to be alone.

6.

I’m just a sensitive and temperamental guy Not content with exactly who I am Or how well I’m understood.

7.

This confused and often contradictory nature of mine Leaves a lot of room for misinterpretation − Both for myself And for others.

8.

Some hope may lie in my writings In that they might do a better job Of representing me by proxy Than this sensitive and temperamental guy Could ever do in person. ***** 55

y An Indulgent Fantasy (He’s Pretty Sure) 5-22-2002 Old memories from his past sometimes come to mind. _____ 1.

He still remembers how she looked, How she smelled and felt, How her voice would resonate When she spoke to him, And how he felt when she looked at him With her warm brown eyes.

2.

He remembers too How she used to fill his eyes Each time she walked across the room, How delicate were her hands, And how reassuring was her weight As she lay on top of him.

3.

He still reserves a place in his heart For those sad and timeless memories That keep him young and dreaming.

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4.

Oh this reminiscent heart of his − It’s a heart that used to be on fire But that now can only catch a fleeting spark or two From those vague and distant memories From his past.

5.

He’s amazed how long his wistful memories Have stayed alive And how often they choose To reappear on their own In the dusk of his more quiet And reflective moments.

6.

And even though these remnant memories Remain stubbornly alive They are still only here and there things Mostly showing up uninvited But sometimes With invitation in hand.

7.

They’re only here and there things Never meaning To hurt or harm anyone or anything − Mostly just harmless little self-indulgences − That’s really all they are − He’s pretty sure. *****

57

y Have I Found My Peace Of Mind?

(A Trophy Until The Next Event) 6-20-2002 Something only short-lived. _____ 1.

It began like any other day With my aches, pains and worries Competing for my peace.

2.

But then, like a wave An awareness flooded over me Wherein I caught a rare glimpse Of the beauty and wonders of Life itself That made all my worries seem so petty.

3.

Life was not a puzzle anymore And I saw it in a whole new way.

I saw: The beauty of the sun and clouds, The wonder of a blade of grass, The joy of merely living, The realization that suffering is just a part of Life, And that the decisions of Fate − As unfair and harsh as they may be − Should not be taken personally.

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4.

Have I found a working truce Between my competing worries?

Have I found the great elixir?

The secret formula of life?

The perfect attitude for living life?

5.

Have I found contentment And reconciliation?

Have I found my inner peace?

Have I found my soul?

6.

But even if I have found That illusive peace of mind – That inner peace − I know I couldn’t keep it for long For it’s just a kind of trophy That you win and hold for a while Until you lose it In the next event. *****

59

y I Set My Mind To Dwell On Her (To Judy) 6-27-1963 I liked Judy and debated over making her my girl friend. _____ 1.

I see her eyes exploring – And maybe even imploring − As to whether there’s any room in my heart For another try at love with her to once again restart.

2.

She is someone who I cannot fully rate For I know not if our love could ever be blessed by Fate.

And as for my feelings toward her, they might better unfold If I knew a little more about what her heart for me did hold.

3.

When I hear her dulcet tones She sometimes tempts and hones My heart to its highest point of vulnerability Where I might believe that we as true lover could someday be.

4.

But a heavy clouds of caution unfold Within my frightened and doubting soul As to whether we could really find the forces Strong enough to genuinely link our future courses.

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5.

Attractive though her figure may be I’m not sure that that’s the right sign to foretell of what should be.

Could she ever be my one and only goddess fair?

Could she and I in each other ever find a true love to share?

6.

In the heat of this long summer night Beneath my midnight lamp of yellow light I set my mind to dwell on her And pen down all the thoughts that in me now do stir.

7.

The reddish tint and subtle glow Of her hair’s fibrous brunette flow Presents a graceful quality And a soft and tempting singularity.

8.

When a soft and glancing light Touches down upon her face just right It gives her a special kind of glowing elegance That I want to believe is love and not just some flickering romance.

9.

And when I search her eyes Deep down to where her soul resides I find the murmurings of an anxious heart Waiting for a new-found love to start.

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10.

I worry that my urgings may just be a shallow allure And so I try to keep my feelings checked and in store.

But then a little hope appears That wants to overcome all my chain-linked hidden fears.

11.

Shall I engage in a game of chance And venture off to famed romance?

Or shall I fear the pain of making a mistake and being mocked Which might force me to shut my heart and keep it further locked?

12.

Not knowing fully of her volition I wonder if she would even allow for love’s transition.

I wonder if I laid down in her bosom my tender open heart Would she caress it softly or would she just tear it apart? ~ Will all these queries and worries ever be resolved?

Or will they always in my heart and mind endlessly revolve? *****

62

y Retirement (On The Other Hand) (To My Family) 2-18-2011 Some early observations about retirement. _____ 1.

On the one hand Retirement means: Not having to get up so early and dress in the dark; Not having to wear suits and ties anymore; Not getting up at 4:30 to catch the 5:18 train; Not having to commute 5 ½ hours a day; Not getting home at 9:30 at night; Watching my children go off to work instead of me; Having my day more under my control than of others; And, after noticing a crack in the wall Being able to say to myself with confidence, “I’m gonna take care of that today.”

2.

But on the other hand Retirement also means: Feeling a little old and unproductive; Being less challenged without the demands of a job; No longer having a boss And conversely no longer being a boss; And not being able to tell the difference Between a Sunday and a Monday.

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3.

And retirement also means Talking and complaining about: All my aches and pains And all the medicines I have to take; The difficulty in getting up after sitting a while; Not being able to remember what I was just about to say; Seeing more in my rear view mirror than of the road ahead; And of course retirement means Seeing the whole world getting younger.

4.

But on the other, other hand Retirement also means: Looking back at some of what I’ve accomplished; Feeling good for having provided financial security for the family; And having the time and means to do some of the things That Vi and I had planned to do Which includes Enjoying our lovely home and grounds And taking some trips here and there together.

5.

Retirement also means: Growing old with the one you love And having your children stand by you In your elderly years.

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6.

Finally Retirement means That it’s a brand new platform For the next phase of my life Which makes it kind of exciting But also Since it’s the last phase of my life Kind of scary too. *****

65

y Taking It To His Afterlife 4-14-2014 Reviewing his life. _____ 1.

Now on his dying bed He’s reviewing his life.

2.

While he lived and struggled through life He always felt that it was long and hard And always took it for granted.

But now that it’s almost over He realizes How short, precious and fragile it really is.

3.

He’s remembering all the things in his life.

He’s remembering all the places he’s traveled to And the things he’s done.

He’s remembering the good woman he married, The home they bought, And his children’s voices in all its rooms.

And he’s remembering all the things That he’ll be leaving behind.

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4.

Like the pharos took their things with them To their afterlife − He wished that he could take All the precious things in his life with him To his afterlife.

5.

This is what he wished for As he lays there Looking up at the ceiling − Looking up at the ceiling But seeing through and past it And far out into the black and endless Universe Wondering if that’s where he’d be going Or just to a muddy grave. *****

67

y One Sour Word 5-5-2014 A bad word really stands out. _____ 1.

When you write − Whether it be prose or poetry − Be careful of that incorrect or imprecise word That you might use As it will stand out As bad, obvious and accusing As a sour note in music.

2.

That one imprecise or unfit word you use Will be as obvious As a person who stands up in the audience.

3.

One inappropriate or awkward word Will be so distractive That it will stand out Like a piece of spinach on your tooth, A loud burp in a quiet room, Or a bright red stain on a clean white shirt.

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4.

One sour word Will produce A thousand contorted faces.

5.

One sour word Is a word that can never be taken back And one that will unfortunately be remembered Over all the others.

6.

So be careful of That one inappropriate or awkward word For it will stand out As bad, obvious and accusing As a sour note in music. *****

69

y Life Was Imposed On Us 4-17-2014 We didn’t have a choice with life. _____ 1.

We didn’t have a choice with life.

It was imposed upon us.

2.

No one asked us if we wanted to try life.

No one explained its pros and cons.

No one advised us of our rights.

No one asked our permission.

It was just imposed upon us.

3.

So the only choice we have now Is just to accept and muddle through it…

Or...call it quits.

4.

What’s with this world of ours With all its presumptiveness? *****

70

y His Exit Strategy 6-26-2014 Just being in control is what mattered. _____ 1.

He was never very happy with himself Or with life in general.

It was a constant struggle for him.

Sometimes he’d feel good But it never lasted And he’d find himself In the doldrums of depression again.

2.

This is the way it was for him − Up, then down − In, then out of depression − Which over time took its toll.

3.

He often thought about ending his life.

But that would be too final For often times he’d recover And feel good again And wonder how in the world He could have ever been thinking like that.

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4.

What to do?

What to do?

It was a dilemma.

5.

But then he came to the realization That he had the power to end his life Anytime he wanted to Which gave him the back-handed comfort In just knowing he could put an end to things Whenever they got too bad And whenever he wanted.

6.

And ironically In just knowing That he always has a way out At his disposal Somehow made life more bearable.

Just knowing That he was in control − Just knowing That he could end his life − Gave him the courage To continue on with it.

7.

It’s strange how the mind works − Using an exit strategy For getting out of life To help you stay in it. ***** 72

y Just Right Around The Corner 9-27-2014 Gone but not really. _____ 1.

Although I’ve broken up with her I find strange comfort in knowing That she’s just right around the corner from me.

2.

If I’d really broken up with her And was honestly trying get over her Why didn’t I move farther away Than just right around the corner?

3.

Although I tell myself That I’m free of her Have I really let her go? − Or am I Just white-lying to myself?

4.

Although it’s a break It may not be a clean break.

Although she’s gone She’s maybe not Really gone.

73

5.

I keep telling myself That I’m over her.

But why then Am I happy knowing That she’s just right around the corner? *****

74

y The Death Of Summer 10-2-2014 Fall didn’t seem the same this year. _____ 1.

Normally I looked at Fall As a happy and celebratory time of year With its crisp refreshing air And its beautifully colored show of leaves.

2.

But somehow this year It feels different.

3.

For some reason Rather than celebrating it As the Birth of Fall I’m lamenting it As the Death of Summer.

4.

Somehow I’m seeing the falling leaves More as fallen soldiers Rather than As beautiful aerial displays of color.

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5.

Somehow this year Instead of seeing it As the Grand Opening of Fall I’m seeing it As a Wake for Summer.

6.

I don’t recall ever feeling this way before Which makes we wonder If it’s just a one-off moody thing with me this year Or something more profound. *****

76

y

I’ve Put Adventure On The Shelf 10-5-2014 My risky and adventurous days are over. _____ 1.

When I take a sail these days At age 71 It’s normally Just for an hour or two Sometimes It’s just in and out of the harbor.

And sometimes I don’t even go out at all Preferring just to have a sandwich with Vi At the mooring.

2.

And when I take a little road trip It usually involves taking frequent rest stops And staying at a decent motel for the night Rather than pushing it by driving all night Or pitching a tent and camping out.

3.

And when I work around the house and grounds It’s at a much slower and less strenuous pace Involving much lighter and less risky work Than I used to do before.

77

4.

As I take my sails and road trips And do my work around the house and grounds I can’t help comparing it To the adventuresome and even dangerous things That I used to do − Like going on those long day and night sails Often alone at night off the coast of Brazil With no charts, radio or navigation lights As well as going into deep oceans and shallow rivers And sailing in high winds and rough seas − Like camping in so many kinds of forests in so many States And often in the freezing winter winds and snow With only a little nylon tent − Like taking international trips all over Europe, Scandinavia, Asia, Africa and South America Into their cities, jungles, swamps, rivers and mountains And often without any reservations As well as to places like Mexico, Canada, Russia, Central America and the Caribbean, And Hawaii and Alaska and many other states − And like doing all the renovations On our home and garden by myself Involving such heavy and risky stuff As working high up on ladders, roof-tops and tress, Using heavy equipment and toxic materials, And working 15 hours straight Both day and night.

78

5.

When I compare what I’ve done in the past To what I’m doing now there’s no comparison For everything I do today Is only a fraction of what and how I did it in the past.

6.

My desire and inclination To do risky and adventurous things today Has diminished significantly Not only because I’ve “been there and done that before” But more so because I’m older and more cautious.

7.

Today I can’t imagine doing anything Nearly as risky or adventurous as I did in the past And even get scared just thinking about Some of the things I did And the risks I’d taken back when.

8.

Now I’ve retired From my risk taking and adventurous days And thankfully did so While I was still in one piece.

9.

I’ve put Adventure and Risk Taking on the shelf And only use them now For display and storytelling. ***** 79

y Getting His Own Private Room 11-14-2014 Gaming the system. _____ 1.

He committed infraction after infraction And with each infraction He’d be sentenced to solitary confinement.

2.

The prison officials couldn’t figure out Why he never learned Or how he could endure Such repeated punishments.

3.

And the prisoners were also confused For while they admired him For his defiance and his strength They too couldn’t figure out why He was such a glutton for punishment.

4.

He was happy that no one could figure him out For that’s what he was banking on.

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5.

He was a very educated and sensitive man And couldn’t bear to be associated with The loud, brutal and uneducated prison population As he had nothing in common with them.

He felt he was a refined gentleman Forced to live with Neanderthals.

6.

So solitary confinement was his escape Where he’d have his own private room − A room where he could read and write In peace and quiet And regain some semblance Of his dignity and humanity.

7.

He had fooled his jailers By making them feel that they were punishing him While all the while they were actually doing his bidding.

He had also fooled his fellow prisoners By making them feel that he was one of them While actually despising them.

8.

It was a clever game he was playing And only hoped That no one would catch on For if they did He’d get it from both sides. *****

81

y A Thousand Bottles Launched 6-6-2012 Each poem is a message in a bottle. _____ 1.

Each poem I write Is a message in a bottle And of the thousand that I launch I hope that some will survive the journey, Wash up upon some shore, And be found by someone Who’ll be curious enough to read their contents And then Be sensitive enough to find some meaning in them.

2.

Like a mother doomed to die Who gives up her child to a stranger Knowing that it’ll have a better chance of survival I do the same with my poems By leaving them to my loved ones In the hope they’ll have a better chance of survival with them Than they might possibly have alone with me in my grave. *****

82

y

It’s Always Me (The Icings On My Cake) 9-15-2012 Constant guilt and blame. _____ 1.

When the market moves against me I blame myself For not getting out in time.

And when it does well I blame myself For not getting in earlier Or getting out too soon.

2.

It’s always my fault.

And even if it isn’t I seem to find a way to make it so.

3.

And whenever I achieve something Above and beyond What others have achieved It’s somehow Not good enough.

83

4.

And if the weather turns unexpectedly bad I scold and blame myself For not having the foresight To bring an umbrella.

5.

And whenever I say something I always regret what I say, That I didn’t say it right, Or I didn’t say it well enough.

6.

And when I’m running late I blame myself For not having planned Well enough ahead And leaving earlier.

7.

It’s always something That I did or didn’t do.

It’s always something − And it’s always me.

8.

And even when I’m relaxing And doing nothing I feel I should be working Or at least doing something.

84

9.

I’m never satisfied And always disappointed In and with myself.

I’m always regretting my actions And my inactions.

It doesn’t matter which For all that matters is That it’s always me.

10.

I’ve always been this way − Always trying to understand What it is with me That makes me think this way And what might be the antidote For this malady.

11.

I don’t expect though That much will change For I believe that in my mind There will always be ample room for blame And if there isn’t any I’ll make room For blame and guilt it seems Will always be the icings on my cake. *****

85

y Daydreaming 9-15-2012 I’m always daydreaming and taking notes. _____ 1.

Wherever I am And whatever I’m doing I’m always daydreaming.

It could be at work.

It could be on the train.

It could even be when I’m reading a book Or watching TV. 2.

Wherever I am And whatever I’m doing I’m always daydreaming And taking notes For the poems I’d like to write.

3.

I’m always daydreaming With respect to things I’m both interested in And even not so interested in.

86

4.

I can’t seem to hold on to any thought I have Or concentrate on anything I’m doing As I’m always drifting off somewhere Into a world of dreams and note taking.

5.

Is there any hope For an incorrigible daydreamer like me?

Will what I daydream and write about Replace the value Of what I’m always being distracted from?

I can only hope so. *****

87

y A Face On The Moon Last Night (On Gwen) 12-20-2012 I had a dream about an old girlfriend. _____ 1.

I was looking up at the moon last night And saw Gwen’s face in it.

I was dreaming.

2.

I asked the angel − Who was standing next to me − If it was really her face That I was seeing?

3.

Out of angelic politeness − For no angel ever wants to be rude Or contradictory − She just looked at me.

4.

So without a word I knew I’d have to answer that question Myself. *****

88

y Christmas Lights 12-27-2012 The magic of Christmas lights. _____ 1.

Red, green, blue, orange, white and yellow lights Were draped around our window Just enough to softly light the room − Just enough to make the room glow With color and feeling.

2.

There wasn’t enough light to read by But perfect For basking in its warmth And reflecting on life.

3.

Christmas lights Are hypnotic things to me That put me into A kind of dreamy-eyed trance.

89

4.

This is what I see and feel Sitting here now on the kitchen couch In a daze of color and warmth − In some sort of suspended animation − And having no concept of time or space Or any desire to move or do anything Other than to just sit here In this magic other world Of Christmas lights and color.

5.

I never felt so comfortable, So warm, So secure.

I never felt so content As I feel now Floating in the liquid plasma Of those warm and calming Christmas lights.

6.

When it comes to Christmas I'm both big kid And a dreamy old man. *****

90

y This Little Patch Of Air 8-28-2002 The mystery of the atmosphere. _____ 1.

When I look up at the pale blue sky And realize That there’s only this thin strip of atmosphere − Only this thin coating of air – That’s protecting us Against the massive vacuum of space beyond it I’m both amazed and frightened.

2.

This little patch of air Spray painted on our little blue marble Is all we have between us And the trillions of light-years of hostile outer space.

3.

Thinking about The 1,000 miles an hour our globe is spinning And the 67,000 miles an hour it’s traveling around the sun I can’t comprehend Why it is that this thin ribbon of atmosphere Isn’t just sheared right off the face of the earth Or simply siphoned off By the powerful vacuum of outer space.

91

4.

When I look at the pale blue sky and think about it I’m can’t believe how precious – And at the same time fragile and precarious − Our very existence is Knowing that this And only this little swath of insulation − This little eggshell membrane – This rubber band of oxygen − This little airy coat of blue spray paint – This gossamer veil – Is all we have as our defense Against a cold and instant death. *****

92

y A Zero Sum Game?

9-13-2002 Is life so well balanced? _____ 1.

Is it true That what is someone’s gain Is someone else’s loss?

That when something good happens Something bad happens in response?

2.

Will the sum of all that’s good And all that’s evil Always sum to zero?

3.

Is that the way it is?

Where everything must balance?

93

4.

Is that the way it works?

This universe of ours?

Where the score is always tied?

Where there is no progress or advance?

Where everything’s a trade-off?

Where every advantage Creates an off-setting disadvantage?

Where for every advance There’s a corresponding set-back?

Where for every action There’s an equal and opposite reaction?

5.

Is that the way the world works?

Where good will never triumph over evil But rather will remain forever In a standoff?

Is that the way it is?

Where everything Must always sum to zero? *****

94

y

Hadn’t I Made Any Progress?

(Only A Flashback) 9-30-2002 A scary flashback from the past. ______ 1.

Last night I went to bed With a scared and empty feeling in my heart.

It was a flashback feeling Of the way I used to feel During those frightening and depressing years When I was a little boy And all too serious and sensitive About myself and Life itself Which feelings Had engrained themselves in my psyche And colored all my future thinking.

2.

Back then Life was threatening and intimidating And something that I felt I couldn’t face so well And therefore didn’t want to.

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3.

And when I compared myself to others Which was something I was always doing I never came out as good or as strong as they But rather as weak and all too sensitive And ill-equipped to cope with Life Much less enjoy it.

4.

From the sampling of Life That I’d experienced in my youth I projected A similar unhappy life for the future Which left me With neither the confidence, strength or desire To face the rest of my life With more of the same.

5.

The portrait of Life and myself That I’d began sketching out in my early youth Was such a poor representation Of what I thought the portrait should look like That I was hesitant to continue on with it And at times when I was very low I was tempted to just throw it in the trash And be done with it.

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6.

Although still too sensitive and pessimistic In many ways even today I thankfully have navigated past Those earlier fears and youthful depressions And found myself and life more worthwhile Than I had originally forecasted them to be.

7.

But last night For whatever reason I had a touch of “de javu” Of all those former depressing feelings That made me feel That perhaps I hadn’t cast that weight off me And thrown it in the ocean But only laid it down somewhere.

8.

So last night I had to ask myself: “Hadn’t I made any progress Since my youth?

Or had I merely circled back To where I started from?”

9.

I listened and I waited For the answer that I hoped to hear, “Not to worry − It’s only a flashback − Only a little flashback.” ***** 97

y Neon Sunrise 10-10-2002 Appreciating the quiet morning. _____ 1.

It’s early in the morning And still black as night outside.

No one else is up And the house is dark and quiet.

2.

I turn on the lights And it’s a neon sunrise In the kitchen.

3.

Coffee’s on − Ah, the smell of hazelnut.

4.

It feels so good − That coffee going down Hot and reassuring.

5.

Mind and body rested − It’s Saturday And there’s no commute today.

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6.

It’s still early But His Majesty, the Sun Is slowly getting out of bed − And Sunrise is on its way.

7.

It’s good to be alive In the early moments Of this new-born day. *****

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y Something, Nothing Or Neither?

11-4-2002 An intellectual and philosophical question and debate.

(Inspired by the scientific and mathematical book, The “Book of Nothing” which explored the concept of non-entities.) _____ 1.

Is the digit 0 a Something or is it a Nothing?

When you add +1 and −1 they add to 0 − So does that mean they add to Nothing?

Or does that digit 0 still retain the components Of +1 and −1?

And by extension Might it also contain a +2, and a −2 as well For they also add to 0?

So if 0 contains An infinite range of offsetting components Is it therefore actually a Something Rather than a Nothing?

2.

Also, can Nothing be a 0 Something?

And Something be a Negative 1?

Is Anti-matter really Matter that is Negative?

Or isn’t it Matter at all and therefore Nothing?

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3.

And where does Something come from?

Can it come from Nothing?

Can a Something ever be created out of Nothing?

Or must it only come from Something?

4.

Or perhaps, is Something just some kind of Nothing?

And Nothing a kind of Something?

5.

And further, does Nothing, and/or Something Ever bear seeds and replicate themselves?

Can they divide and multiply?

6.

I could go on and on And never come to any satisfactory answer.

But that’s alright For an intellectual debate Is often more about the debate Than getting to an answer.

And just as a race Can be less about getting to the finish line And more about the run itself An intellectual debate Is worthy of its own pursuit. *****

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y It All Depends Upon Your Point Of View 11-5-2002 Laws often depend on circumstances and scale. _____ 1.

In a geometric world That is a plane And where the road is flat We have Bob chasing Joan With Joan in the front and Bob in the back.

But in a geometric world That is a sphere And where the road is curved and ultimately forms a circle.

Is Bob still chasing Joan?

Or is Joan now chasing Bob?!

Which one’s in front and which one’s in back?

Or is it neither one?

Or either one?

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2.

On a sphere You cannot rightly tell who’s chasing who As it could be either one chasing the other Or neither chasing anyone!

It’s a strange situation on a sphere Where either one might be running towards And at the same time Running away from the other.

It all depends upon the circumstances And your point of view.

3.

Similarly The angles of a triangle on a flat surface All add to 1800.

But on a spherical surface, like a globe The angles add to more than 1800.

Both answers are correct As it all depends upon the shape Of the platform you are working on.

It all depends upon the circumstances.

4.

Likewise The laws of physics function one way in the macro world But in a different way in the micro world − Which is the world at the sub-atomic level.

In these situations Different scales have different laws.

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5.

In all these examples Different laws apply Depending on the circumstances.

6.

And with respect To what is true and what is false Can something somewhere be true And somewhere else be false?

Do similar dualities apply In the conceptual world As they do in the physical world?

The answer’s probably, “Yes.” As it will all depend upon the circumstances And your point of view.

So it seems that everything is relative – Even reality itself. *****

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y

Here I Am But Here I’m Not 11-16-2002 Being somewhere else mentally. _____ 1.

Even though I’m in a crowd I’m also very much alone.

Even though I’m listening I’m often not.

While I’m here at home In my mind I’m often on the road.

2.

Wherever I am I’m always somewhere else as well: In my books, my music and my poetry; In my thoughts, dreams and worries; And of course, in my moods.

3.

When I’m home relaxing I’m really not For I’m always working on something And always somewhere else.

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4.

While I’m in control of my life I’m really not.

5.

Here I am But here I’m not. *****

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y With The Reward Of Heaven Comes The Risk Of Hell 11-22-2002 With reward comes risk. _____ 1.

Based on all that I’ve observed and deduced We are little more Than a humble part of Nature’s process.

Just as we were processed into Life When we were born − We’ll be processed out When we die − Nothing more complex or noble than that.

2.

Just as flowers wilt And tumble to the ground And slowly disintegrate So will we − Equally nondescript and uneventfully.

3.

While it’s flattering to think that our deaths Initiate spiritual transitions to an after-life From what I’ve seen We just live, die and decay − Feeding whatever life survives us And keeping nothing of ourselves.

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4.

While the famed rewards of Heaven Are appealing To our noble sense of self and who we think we are And the punishment of Hell Are satisfying To our sense of justice and accountability From all the natural evidence that I have seen I’m not sure that either one exists.

5.

Having said that though I always worry that I could be wrong And that Heaven and Hell May be full realities That I’ll have to face some day.

6.

With the possibility of Heaven Always comes The risk of Hell. *****

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y You Could Have Gone On By 2-3-2003 A broken heart that could have been avoided. _____ 1.

You could have gone on by But no, instead You saw something in my eyes That made you stop − Was it vulnerability?

2.

You could have gone on by But no, instead You chose to stop And chat me up.

3.

You could have gone on by But no, instead You chose to stick around And get inside my head Just because you could.

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4.

You could have gone on by And left things as they were − The way you found them − But no, instead You decided otherwise.

5.

You could have gone on by But no, instead You had to stop and make a game of me.

You had to see if you could trophy me Just to satisfy your ego and your curiosity.

6.

You could have gone on by And just left things well enough alone.

But no, instead You chose to stop and take the time To break my heart. *****

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y It Was The Only Thing That Needed Him (Las Vegas) 4-20-2003 We attach ourselves to different things through sublimation. _____ 1.

He planted a seed in a little coffee can Half-filled with dirt.

Then he put a little rock in it To weigh it down against the wind.

Then he put it out on the fire-escape So it could bathe in the sun and rain.

2.

He watched his little flower grow Each and every day.

He worried over it As a father worries for his child.

3.

Each day he couldn’t wait to get home To see it.

To touch it.

To feed it.

To talk to it.

To love it.

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4.

That little flower on his fire escape Was the only living thing he had in life − And the only thing That ever needed him. *****

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y Ghosts In This Old House?

12-29-2003 I sometimes hear strange sounds. _____ 1.

It happens now and again When this old 1894 house of ours is empty And I’m home alone and reading In the quiet of the night.

2.

I hear a thud Like someone dropping something?

Then I hear something moving across the floor Like someone walking?

Sometimes it’s loud And sometimes it’s soft − But it’s always scary.

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3.

Sometimes I take out a kitchen knife – Just in case − And search the house: The basement first The 1st floor next Then the 2nd Then the 3rd And finally the attic.

Nothing there − Nothing that I could see.

4.

I resume my reading.

But then I hear more noises Footsteps?

Like someone walking up the stairs?

My heart begins to race.

Then the noises stop.

5.

Then I hear some other noises − Noises that sound like hangers Scraping along The metal clothes rack in the closet?

Is someone who is dead Still living in the house?

Perhaps a previous owner?

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6.

For the first time I open myself to the possibility That there just may be such things as ghosts − Something I would never let myself believe before.

I used to scoff at anyone Who said that they believed in ghosts − But I don’t anymore.

7.

Is some one Or some thing Living here with me?

8.

I’ve never had this kind of eerie feeling − This kind of awareness of a presence − Until now.

I’ve never had this kind of fear before Until now.

9.

On the many occasions That my family was out I was confident That I was home alone.

But now I’m not so sure. *****

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y

I’m A Dead And Dried Up Leaf 1-15-2004 On old man’s wish before he dies. ______ 1.

I’m an old man now − Just a dead and dried up leaf Being blown around aimlessly No longer attached to anything And feeling like some cast-away − Alone and lonely Just looking for a little corner to nestle in To stop my random motion − Just trying to get out of the wind − Just looking for some refuge In my final years.

2.

All I want to do Is to stop this constant motion And find a place where I can rest a bit And think about my new and dried up fate And reconcile myself to it.

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3.

In these my brown and scratchy Autumn years All I want to do Is to secure myself some peace and quiet And a little more purpose out of life Before Winter comes. *****

117

y I Am A Miner And A Fisherman 3-18-2004 I mine words of wisdom and beautiful phrases. _____ 1.

I am a miner And pan the river banks Taking only the golden flecks of ore That catch my eye. ~ I am a fisherman And fish the waters Catching only what I need.

2.

And when I read I look for little things − Like tiny little phrases of beauty, truth and wisdom That are buried within the text, That are beautifully constructed, That are eloquent when spoken, That touch my heart and inspire me, And that make me ponder, with the import of a proverb.

That’s the kind of gold I’m mining for And the fish I’m fishing for.

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3.

I look for anything of value In or out of context And can spot them in an instant.

And when I do I pluck them out for my collection.

4.

I know I’ll never mine or catch them all But I’ll collect enough I hope To satisfy my intellectual interest And my sentimental and philosophical appetite.

5.

Yes, I might be criticized about what I get − “Not big enough!”

“Not quality enough!”

But for me it is enough − Enough To make a decent living for myself And hopefully Enough To provide a rich inheritance For those I leave them to. *****

119

y You Just Never Know 3-18-2004 Wondering about the outcome of my works. _____ 1.

In the end All the work and effort On my music and my writings May come to nothing − You just never know.

2.

But on the other hand They may in fact come to something − And something maybe even grander Than I would have ever dreamed − You just never know.

3.

Hope always has a way of magnifying our dreams Way beyond their true realities.

It also bets against the odds And while it doesn’t often win When it does win, it wins big Making up for all its prior loses For sometimes the odds can be beaten And long-shots do come in − You just never know.

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4.

Although I may never know What the outcome of my works will ever be I always keep the possibility open That maybe one sweet day Hope may turn up at my door With Lady Luck draped on her arm And tell me that I drew that inside straight, That my horse came in, Or that my numbers hit − You just never know.

5.

But even if Hope and Lady Luck Never show up at my door Maybe they’ll pay a visit To those I leave them to − You just never know. *****

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y Has He Ever? As Much As I? 7-3-2004 Pining over a love he lost to someone else. _____ 1.

Has he ever written about you?

Has he ever written about you like I have?

Like I have?

I don’t think so − he couldn’t have − not like I have.

2.

Has he ever stayed awake at night Seeing your face in the darkness of his room?

For as many nights as I have?

I don’t think so – not for as many as I have.

3.

Has he ever really looked inside your heart And almost died for love of you?

I don’t think so − he couldn’t have − not as much as I have.

4.

Has he ever looked into your eyes And cried for the distance that he found?

Has he?

I don’t think so − not as often as I have.

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5.

Has he ever prayed that he could reach you?

Prayed like I have?

I don’t think so – not as much as I have.

6.

Has he ever gotten close enough to you To let his heart be broken?

Has he ever? Like I have?

I don’t think so − not like I have.

7.

Has he ever loved you half as much as I have?

I don’t think so − he couldn’t have loved you that much − And not half as much as I. *****

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y

The Best Of Starts − The Worst Of Ends 9-7-2004 Life is full of unfortunate turnarounds. _____ 1.

A preacher who has tired of his message.

A mother who no longer loves her children.

A believer who is now filled with doubt.

A lover who has lost his youth and drive.

And a dreamer who has lost his dream.

2.

A traveler who confines himself to home.

A moral man who’s given in to sin.

A visionary who now can’t see beyond today.

And a hopeful man who’s sunken in despair.

3.

The best of starts − A tragic turn − And the worst of ends.

4.

Sad and tragic endings To such promising beginnings. *****

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y

For Crimes I Didn’t Even Do 10-9-2004 Taking too much blame. _____ 1.

As soon as things begin to go awry − Or even look as though they will − I sense it.

I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up Worrying That I'll somehow be blamed Either by others or by myself.

2.

Even though I’m innocent of everything I, for whatever reason, Posture up to take the blame And whatever punishment is due.

3.

What is this Siren from my past That causes me to volunteer for guilt?

What makes me so ready to turn myself in And confess to crimes I didn’t even do?

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4.

What sways my psyche to work this way?

Is it in my genetic code?

Or does it emanate From my upbringing And or my past experiences?

5.

Why do I feel so susceptible?

So accountable?

So self-destructive?

So masochistic?

So pre-ordained to take the blame? − To place myself at the scene of the crime Even when I have a solid alibi?

6.

Oh, if I could only rid myself Of this self-punishing attribute I’d pay most anything.

7.

What is this thing in me That makes me so ready to confess To crimes I didn’t even do? *****

126

y When We Die 10-12-2004 Life reverts from higher purposes to lower ones. _____ 1.

When we die A much more base Yet very efficient process Assumes control And drastically re-shapes our former Beings − The process of Decomposition and decay.

2.

The allegiance to that single higher organism − That Being that we were – That "Self” or “Ego” that we were − Is gone And everything’s reduced To the mindless workings Of bacteria.

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3.

When we die All the components that we were made of And that were united and devoted To the service and protection Of that highly organized, complex and noble creature That once we were Is all reduced to chaos and decay.

That former independent and in-control Being That once we were Is all given up to worms and maggots And bacteria.

4.

When we die We become a body Without a central government − A planet Orphaned by its sun − A panicked swarm of bees Without their hive.

5.

When we die It’s such a shame as to what becomes of us − Those once elite and noble creatures that we were But are no more.

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6.

Tremble, cry and pity For what our death has reduced us to − To nothing more than a feeding frenzy Of little insects And bacteria.

7.

When we die Life goes on But just in a much more base And simpler way − Unthinking – unstoppable − And without any former memories to pine about And therefore Without a bit of shame or ego lost.

8.

When we die We’re just reduced To the least common denominator Of bacteria. *****

129

y Thirteen Summers Left In Life (A Dream About My Death) 10-13-2004 Thoughts and fears about death.

(Inspired by the book, “The Magic Mountain” written by the German novelist, Thomas Mann.) _____ 1.

If I die at the age my father died, at 74 I just have 13 summers left − 13 summers and then I’m dead − A scary realization.

2.

Just last night I had a dream That I was on my death-bed And about to die in a matter of hours.

3.

In my dream I was so despondent Knowing that I’d be losing the family that I loved And I’d be all alone.

I was also so very, very afraid Of what I might find within my death.

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4.

In my dream I remember crying silently And feeling the tears roll down my cheeks Knowing that my life was about to end.

5.

The life That I didn’t give too much thought about losing before − Because losing it was always so far away − Was now Only hours away.

6.

While I smiled with false bravado At the darkness that was now surrounding me And pressing ever closer I heard myself screaming inside − That forlorn scream when you know There’s no one who can help you anymore And you’re truly all alone.

7.

Although I’d always been walking towards that cliff There were always so many others ahead of me.

But now There is no one ahead of me And I’m standing at the edge of that thousand foot cliff Scared to death Of that long, empty, open-sky drop And not knowing what was at the bottom.

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8.

And as I stood there at the canyon’s rim I looked behind me and saw my family in the crowd Looking at me with tears in their eyes, Waving their good-byes and wishing me luck.

9.

Oh I wish that I could lay down in a field of flowers And watch the clouds in the sky drift by − A thing that I’d never done before But always wanted to.

10.

In my dream I wondered what would happen to me.

I wondered if there would be punishment or reward Within the darkness of my death.

11.

In my dream I also wondered That when I died and the light went out Would there only be eternal darkness − Or would another light go on?

12.

In my dream I was so afraid – So very, very afraid – Of what may lay ahead of me Knowing that I was finally Coming to my end. ***** 132

y Mining For A Special Kind Of Gold 4-4-2004 I mine facts, wisdom and beautiful phrases. _____ 1.

When I read a book I don’t read every word on every page.

2.

Rather I usually only scan them And pick out − as a miner would − Only the little nuggets of gold that catch my eye − The things that touch my mind and heart − The things that trip the sentimental and intellectual tripwires That are set in me: A nicely written line, phrase, sentence or paragraph; A saying, proverb, truth or axiom; An inspirational thought, insight or illumination − Or anything else That sparks my intellect, touches my heart, or angles for a tear.

3.

I’ve always been a miner Prospecting for that special kind of gold − Those little flecks of inspiration, truth and beauty That I find in books. *****

133

y Worry, Worry 1-21-2005 I’m a worry-wart pessimist which earns me no rest. _____ 1.

Worry, worry − It’s the tightly woven fabric of my life.

2.

I worry for my children And worry for my wife.

3.

I worry for my job And I worry for my money.

4.

I worry about every decision I make And how it might turn out.

5.

I worry about the past, the present and the future.

I’m always in a secret war with worry.

6.

Worry, worry − I can’t ever lay my head down without a worry.

Even my pillow’s made of worry.

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7.

Worry, worry − I’m a tamed pack animal with worry on its back.

Worry sees me coming and worry sees me going.

And as I pass it It loads some more worry on my back.

8.

Worry, worry − I worry that I worry And even worry when I don’t.

It seems I’ll always wear This heavy coat of worry. *****

135

y Just Passing Through (Haven’t I Made Any Progress?)

2-11-2005 Old and painful memories sometime revisit. _____ 1.

Today is an especially bad day for me.

I’m a bit depressed − Cloaked in a kind of smothering, lonely, angry pain Worrying about the gloom I see ahead of me.

2.

Today I’m racked with worries − Some self-made and some inherited.

For whatever reason Today reminds me of those former days When I was very young − The days that were so bad for me That I even thought about the ultimate escape − The days when I was all too young To be thinking about such a desperate thing as that.

3.

When I compare my life to that of others It’s not, on the surface, any worse So my depressions therefore Are self-creations within myself − Which makes it even worse.

136

4.

I sometimes scare myself With the extent of my melancholy feelings.

Though so much less in number and in strength these days Compared to the way it was when I was young Those same ghosts and shadows of my past Still visit me.

5.

Like unwanted relatives that I thought I’d lost They sometimes show up and knock on my door saying, “Just passing through.

Just thought we’d stop and say ‘Hello’.”

And even though I can see them through the peep hole And know exactly who they are and why they’re here I can’t help but answer the door.

6.

And with their sad and uninvited arrival In many ways I’m back to where I was − Back to those dark and hopeless days Of many years ago when I was just a kid.

7.

With all these heavy feelings having returned from my past I worry if they’ve really just come for a visit − Just to say “Hello”, as they say − Or if they actually plan on staying.

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8.

So with their return, I have to ask myself, “Haven’t I made any progress In coming to terms with Life?”

9.

Oh how these unrelenting ghosts Of my youth and past Still dog me to this day. *****

138

y No Time To Lose (On Life’s New-Found Wonders) 3-5-2005 Now that I am older I appreciate things more. ______ 1.

Now that I am older I realize more than I ever could before Just how many wonders there are in life − And that they’re everywhere: 2.

The way that shadows move across a field of snow; How stained-glass windows magnify the light; How a breath of wind moves each blade of grass differently; How clouds reshape themselves endlessly; How a small vine grows with a mind of its own; And how a little bug crawls up a wall.

3.

Everything is simple But at the same time complex and intricate.

Everything that happens Is just a day-to-day event But at the same time A miracle.

139

4.

Although I’d seen all these things before I’d never seen them Quite like I’m seeing them now – Now that I am older.

5.

Before I was all too young and inexperienced To fully appreciate much of anything But now that I am older I see things very differently − For the wonders that they really are.

6.

This time in my life Is the richest that it’s ever been − Where shallow observation and experience Have ripened Into wisdom and appreciation.

7.

It’s also the time in my life When my mind, heart and soul All agree with each other That life is short, Time is of the essence, And there’s just no time to lose. *****

140

y Thank God For Worries 4-30-2005 Having worries is a blessing in disguise. _____ 1.

I worry over everything.

Will I live too long And die helpless and pathetic?

Or will I die too soon and miss out On those much-touted “golden years”?

2.

I also worry about Vi dying early on me Just as my Mom died early on my Dad. I also worry about the kids As to how they’re doing now And how they’ll fare later on in life.

3.

I worry about our money And whether we’ll have enough To get us through.

I also worry as to whether the kids Will take care of us When we’re old and we need them to.

141

4.

I worry if there is a God And if He really has A Heaven and Hell for us.

And if He does exist I worry as to which one He’s picked out for me.

5.

I also worry That I’ll never find the peace of mind That comes from Having a healthy attitude about life − The attitude that I’ve always been looking for − The attitude that gives you that even disposition That allows you to gracefully handle Everything that Life decides to throw at you.

6.

On and on I go about my worries.

But when I think about it Rather than complain about it I should be thankful for my worries For if I didn’t have any worries I’d have an even greater worry. *****

142

y The Criminal Justice System (Philippines) 7-6-2005 The law gives more rights to criminals than victims. _____ 1.

As soon as a killer commits his crime He gets our complete attention And even our sympathy.

He’s also awarded a string of rights − His Bill of Rights − As provided by the Law. And for those rights we fight so hard to insure That he gets every single one of them And, to the maximum degree.

And if one is even technically omitted Or even the slightest bit impaired The entire case could be dismissed!

2.

There is however No similar Bill of Rights for victims.

Victims aren’t awarded anything near the magnitude Of what criminals are awarded.

So in addition to the original crime – The one of commission − An additional crime Is perpetrated on the victims – The crime of omission.

143

3.

The Law provides That when a person kills a man He’s tried for only a single murder When in fact He’s not just killed a single person But rather killed or harmed Many others.

4.

He’s killed or harmed, A father, a husband, A brother, a sister, An uncle, an aunt, A cousin, neighbor, a friend.

He’s also stolen from his victims A livelihood, companionship, love and peace of mind Each and every day For the rest of their lives.

But yet, he’s only tried for one offense.

By all that’s fair He should be tried for multiple offenses And punished for all of them as well.

5.

He should also be punished Not only for the present harm he’s caused But also for the future pain and suffering To his victims That his crime will cause.

144

6.

Furthermore, in my opinion Not only should he be punished For the number of crimes he’s committed He should also be punished according to the type of crime And type of pain he’s caused.

His punishment should reflect – As close as possible − All the pain he’s caused in number and in kind.

7.

So if he's raped someone, he too should be raped.

If he’s maimed someone, he too should be maimed.

For all the trauma that he’s inflicted He should be traumatized in kind.

For all the financial damage he’s caused He should be made to pay.

And for all the psychological pain that he’s produced He should be taunted and humiliated Until he’s degraded and broken Like he did to his victims.

8.

Just to be in jail − Detached and disassociated from all the suffering he’s caused − Is too mild a punishment − And hardly punishment at all − And certainly not justice.

In my opinion His punishment should relate directly to his crime And as well to all the indirect pain he’s caused To each and every victim One by one and each in kind!

145

9.

If the Law were written So that every would-be criminal knew for sure That he’d receive exactly what he’s inflicted on others I’m sure he wouldn’t do the crime.

If he knew for rape that he’d be raped I’m convinced he wouldn’t do the rape.

Just knowing that he’d only have to sit in jail − With all its guaranteed amenities and privileges of: Food and lodging, lawyers, TVs, writing desks, Weight rooms, barbershops and all the rest − Is no meaningful deterrent for the criminal Nor is it justice for his victims.

10.

And another thing about our system Is that the criminals are always given center stage − They’re showered with attention which in many cases Is exactly what they want and crave And exactly why they committed their crimes In the first place – For the attention they get.

But as for the victims – They hardly get any attention at all.

11.

For all these reasons our system is appropriately named The “Criminal Justice System” For it certainly is Justice for the criminals And certainly not Justice for the victims For to Hell with the victims! ***** 146

y She Passed The Scepter To Me 7-24-2005 Given the responsibility but not acting on it. ______ 1.

After doing all she could herself She left the future of our love Up to me.

2.

“I’ll leave it up to you”, she said.

“I’ll accept whatever you feel is best.

I’ll accept whatever you decide.”

3.

But I didn’t have the foresight Or maturity To know what I should do With that responsibility.

4.

And so I let it atrophy and die.

I let that last chance for love expire.

I even listened to its final gasp And did nothing about it All because I didn’t understand The grave responsibility that she had given me.

147

5.

With the words, “I’ll leave it up to you” She passed the scepter to me.

And with those words I was crowned as King and had the mandate − But I didn’t act on it.

I had the seed − But let the field stay fallow.

6.

Because she left it up to me I squandered all my last and hopeful chances And lost both the Kingdom and its Queen Forever …

And for shame on me. *****

148

y 12 Feet Marks The Entire Range Of Our Existence 7-24-2005 The range of our existence is quite limited. _____ 1.

For all our lives We live 6 feet above the ground.

2.

And when we die We’ll forever rest 6 feet underground.

3.

6 feet up and 6 feet down.

12 feet is the entire range of our existence.

4.

How exact and well-defined our boundaries are.

How precisely measured are our little pens.

How confining are our chicken coops.

5.

How limited is the range we’ve been assigned For all our lives and throughout our deaths − Just 6 feet up and 6 feet down. *****

149

y Slowly Driving Past Your House 7-25-2005 All he has left is a memory. _____ 1.

You left our little town And settled somewhere else And made a new life for yourself − The one that you deserved.

2.

And as for me?

I stayed behind and let you go And gave up any chance I had with you.

3.

You have a family now − The one that could have been ours If not for my stupidity.

4.

So now All that I have left Is slowly driving past your empty house And looking at its windows That are all unlit And empty of your silhouette That I used to see.

150

5.

But when I close my eyes And concentrate I see all those windows warmly lit again And your lovely silhouette on the shade.

I also hear all the sounds of life and love That used to be in every room.

6.

But when I open my eyes All that disappears – Your silhouette is gone, The house is empty and quiet, And the silence and darkness Is enough to break my heart.

7.

So now All that’s left for me Is slowly driving past your house With no chance of ever seeing again All those windows warmly lit And your silhouette on the shade Or hearing All the sounds of life and love inside − Except − When I close my eyes. *****

151

y What Took You So Long?

8-3-2005 A love finally coming around. _____ 1.

I’ve always been there − Either in the foreground or the background − But you never noticed me.

We’ve even spoken once or twice But you never remembered.

2.

I’ve always been around But you never paid me any mind.

I’ve waited patiently for the ice to thaw And for you to notice me But you never did.

3.

And whenever you looked my way It was always to my left, or right, or over me − Or even worse − Right through me − As if I weren’t even there.

152

4.

But now you’ve come around And finally noticed me.

I finally caught your eye.

The searching love in you Has finally found The waiting love in me.

5.

Though my wait for you Has had a happy ending I just have to ask you, “What took you so long?!” *****

153

y

Then Please Don’t Bury Me At All 8-4-05 Home is home. _____ 1.

All my life I’ve lived here in this house.

This is the house Where I lived for 40 years with my wife – God rest her soul − And where we raised all of our children.

2.

This is the place That I’ve spent my every smile and tear.

This is the place That I built and re-built.

This is the place That I’ve always called home And my little piece of the earth.

3.

This is the kitchen Where I’ve had my coffee For countless mornings.

And upstairs is the bed I’ve slept in For all my nights.

154

4.

I’ve tracked a million suns and moons Across these walls and floors And I’ve watched a million clouds and shadows Pass by my windows So I can’t image being any other place Than here at home.

5.

So when I die My only request Is that you bury me here Where I belong – Right here at home.

6.

Please let me die with the peace of mind That I’ll be buried right here at home.

And if you can’t promise me that Then please don’t bury me at all. *****

155

y Not With A Lie 8-6-2005 Lies are irreparably the worst. _____ 1.

Don’t let me catch you in a lie.

I can take most any hurt you put on me And somehow find forgiveness in my heart − But not so with a lie.

2.

I can bear Most any slight or pain But when you lie to me: A threshold’s reached, A wire’s tripped, A wall’s been breached, And a trust has been betrayed.

3.

Don’t break my heart that way − A way from which I’ll not recover.

Do it any way you like – But not so with a lie. *****

156

y Will You Go Out With Me Tonight?

8-7-2005 Looking for a second chance, even in death.

(Inspired I think by a poem I may have read.) ______ 1.

I think about you all the time − Both when I’m lonely and even when I’m not “So will you go out with me tonight?”

2.

I’ve loved no other woman in my life As much as I’ve loved you “So will you go out with me tonight?”

3.

It’s been a long hard week for me With anxious days and restless nights “So will you go out with me tonight?”

4.

I know I’ve never said the things I should have said Nor been the friend or lover you deserved “But will you go out with me tonight?”

157

5.

I want to tell you now, how much I love you Like I didn’t think to do before “So will you go out with me tonight?”

6.

Please forgive me For all the hurt I’ve caused.

Please forgive this lonely man who lives in pain From always regretting what he didn’t do And from always missing you “So please, will you go out with me tonight?”

7.

So here I am Standing at your gravesite Asking with a broken heart This one and only request “Will you go out with me tonight?” *****

158

y In Many Ways I Envy Him 9-17-2005 Finally at rest. _____ 1.

He’s dead and in his coffin now.

His worries are no more.

His sufferings are all over with.

And he can’t do anything more that he’ll regret.

2.

There’s nothing more he has to face: No more disappointments to adjust to, No more conflicts to resolve, No more sins to ask forgiveness for, And no more penance to perform.

3.

He’s dead and in his coffin now Relieved of all life’s stresses Resting peacefully And safely tucked away.

4.

In many ways I envy him For all the peace he’s gained. *****

159

y Where Is My Drink?

10-25-2005 A drink that has assumed its own persona. _____ 1.

“Where is my Drink?

I put it down somewhere nice and safe And told it to wait right there Until I got back.

So why didn’t it wait?

And where the heck did it go?”

2.

“Hey Drink, Why are you making me search for you?

Are you trying to be cute and clever?

Do you enjoy toying with me this way And making a fool of me?”

3.

“Where are you hiding you little prankster?

Where did you go?

Are you playing Hide and Seek with me?

OK then, I’ll play your little game: ‘1-2-3 here I come Ready or not Wherever you are!’ ”

160

4.

“Please, Drink, Don’t play this game with me For it’s not a joke anymore.”

5.

“Please, Drink, It’s getting serious now.

We’ve always been such good friends So why all of a sudden Are you doing this to me?

Do you want to see me beg?

Is that it?

Is that what you want?

Is that the kind of thing you are?

OK then, ‘Pretty please − Please tell me where you are.’ ” 6.

“Please, Drink, ‘Come out, come out Wherever you are!’ ” ~ “Oh God Where is my Drink?” *****

161

y When The Snow Came I Found Myself Alone 10-25-2005 An endless love that ended. _____ 1.

We had found each other in the summer And fell into a love That was the deepest love we’d ever known.

Each day we held hands And gazed into each other’s eyes And when we slept at night We whispered in the dark Wrapped in each other’s arms.

2.

We were so much in love That we thought the stars were there Just for us And under them We pledged our love forever.

3.

We were running bloods each time we touched And the world did not exist beyond our warm embrace.

Our thoughts were always on each other And even being in the next room Seemed unbearably far apart.

162

4.

But when the winter came And the first snow was on the ground I found myself alone.

She had left without a word.

Her bed was cold, Her closets bare, And her coffee cup was sitting in the sink.

5.

I opened up the door to look for her outside But she wasn’t there either.

And any footprints Had been all covered up by the snow.

There was only dead-white silence everywhere For the snow had hushed up everything − All the better to hear my cries.

6.

When the first snow came I found myself alone.

It seemed the love I’d found And thought was mine Forever Was nothing but a dream.

7.

And even if it was all real It might as well have been a dream For when the first snow came I found myself alone. *****

163

y

America, You’ve Taken Our Kids 10-31-2005 Changing values in America. _____ 1.

America, look at all the problems that have come From all that freedom you’ve bestowed upon our children And all with the best of intentions.

You’ve given them So many individual rights and freedoms That they can only think in terms of “me” − Never “we” or “us” like it used to be.

You’ve given them so much freedom That they’re choking on it.

2.

And America, slowly and unwittingly We’ve also given up our children To your institutions: To your schools, police, and churches And to your corporations.

So that now They’re in charge of them − And not us anymore!

We have consigned away The dearest things we have – Our kids.

164

3.

America, you’ve also taken them away From the dinner table, prayers and family values And given them to: McDonalds, TV, and the internet; Computers, i-pods and i-pads; Constant entertainment and instant satisfaction.

You’ve given them so much That they don’t even need or want us anymore.

4.

America, you’ve also given them Foul language and free sex − Freedom of expression you call it.

These are their rights, you tell them And then you even go and make it the Law. 5.

You’ve taken down all the fences And erased all the boundary lines That we had made for them for their own good And so much so, that there aren’t any limits anymore.

It’s freedom, absent any rules, borders, or responsibilities.

Any guidance or influence from us, their parents, is not allowed − Replaced instead by their peer-pressuring friends.

6.

America, can’t you see that all this freedom Hasn’t made them free at all But rather only made them slaves − Your slaves − And eaten them alive From the inside out?

165

7.

Hollywood celebrities Are the only ones they emulate now?

They are their new role models and their idols − Your media machine has seen to that.

They’ve been mesmerized, hypnotized, tricked and fooled So that fashion and self-centeredness Have become their gods And value and utility their devils.

8.

America, you’ve made them feel That money’s only good for spending And that saving has no benefit And is so un-cool.

9.

Shallow entertainment Has replaced the little culture that they had.

Effort and hard work Have been replaced by the good times And constant entertainment.

10.

America, you haven’t done this all by yourself.

We’ve let you do it − We’ve helped you let it happen.

It’s been a joint endeavor over time.

It’s been the progress That we ourselves have helped define.

166

11.

America, it’s a pity what we’ve done to each other And how we wound up where we are.

So I have to ask you straight And in all sincerity, “Where do we go from here?” *****

167

y Chasing Sticks And Rabbits 11-22-2005 How we’re programmed. _____ 1.

Throw a stick and we run after it.

See a rabbit run and we’re off in hot pursuit.

We are tightly programmed and rarely think things out.

We bolt, we jump, we run, unthinkingly.

2.

We chase our shadows and our tails.

We give in so quickly to our fears And are easily spooked By the slightest sound or movement.

3.

We’re easily duped and usually take the bait On every hook that’s dangled in front of us.

We’re lured by glitter and by magic And often ignore value and reality.

168

4.

So few of us wake up in time For any chance of saving those precious years That we’ll have spent On all those empty and programmed chases.

And those of us who do wake up Are rarely smart enough To make much better use of them.

5.

This is our sorry state − So far, for now. *****

169

y I Was Only Slightly Off 11-26-2005 No credit for “almost.” ______ 1.

They said I’d never win her.

They said I didn’t have a chance.

They said that she was way beyond my reach And I’d never even get near her.

2.

Although they all discouraged me Not to even try I saw something in her eyes And felt something in my heart That they didn’t see or feel.

So I went ahead and tried.

3.

Slowly, patiently and with love I got close enough To offer her my heart And for her to say with tears in her eyes, That she’d needed a little more time To think about it.

170

4.

I hit the target Just not the bull’s eye − Not yet anyway.

I was so close And only slightly off.

5.

Those who bet against me Didn’t appreciate Or give me any credit For how close I actually came To doing the impossible.

All they cared about Was that I didn’t win her heart Completely and right away.

6.

With them It was all or nothing.

With them It didn’t matter about the fact That I came so close And was only slightly off. *****

171

y Painting By The Numbers 11-27-2005 Missing exhilaration due to over cautiousness. _____ 1.

I paint by the numbers And always careful to stay inside the lines So all my pictures turn out fine.

2.

For caution’s sake I always drive in the right hand lane And never in the left.

And when I make investments I never take much risk.

And whenever I say something I never voice any strong opinions.

And when it comes to politics I like to stay in the center.

3.

I protect my hands By always wearing gloves.

And when I go for a swim I always wear my vest.

And when I play pool I take a lot of safe shots.

172

4.

My caution and my prudence Have saved me From making a lot of mistakes And incurring a lot of grief.

But sadly, on the other hand I’ve never known the thrill and rush Or the taste of fear and danger That comes from making bold and daring moves And taking chances.

5.

I’ve also never known The exhilarating feeling one gets From playing the game with style and flare And seeing the crowd Out of their seats and cheering wildly.

Nor have I felt the thrill Of going all in and betting against the odds, Winning the big pot, And watching the table explode with excitement.

6.

All such wild and exhilarating things as these And the attendant feel Of my adrenalin pumping through my veins I’ll sadly never experience Just painting by the numbers. *****

173

y And This Is Sad Forever 12-30-2005 She will sadly never change. _____ 1.

Anyone would shake his head In disbelief and wonder As to how you could have let That special love we had Die in waiting When all you had to do Was to change your ways just slightly And take hold of the hand That was reaching out to you So many times and years ago.

But instead You chose to stay the princess And keep your twisted pride and principles.

Anything that had the possibility Of being good for us You’d somehow overshadow it And make it into something bad. ~ That was you back then.

174

2.

And here you are now With another opportunity for love But once again You chose to stay the princess And not see the best in it But rather only the worst.

Anyone would shake his head again In disbelief and wonder. ~ This is you now.

3.

Oh what you have done to love.

How you sacrificed the sun for darkness, Turned your back and faced the wall, Pulled the wings off butterflies so they would never fly, And denied water to a flower content to watch it die.

And look what you have gotten out of all of it.

Look at all that you have given up And all the damage you have done. ~ This is you.

175

4.

You can’t ever tell the difference Between a good thing And a bad thing.

You just can’t give and take.

You just can’t seem to sooth a hurt But rather only make it hurt some more And for what? And for Why? − For just thinking the way you do.

It seems you’ll even try To keep the sun from rising if you could. ~ This is you again.

5.

How dreadfully sad it is That you always have to make: A barren world more barren, An empty thing more empty, An open heart shut tight And all for your childish thinking. ~ This is always you, it seems.

6.

While sad am I for you And sad am I for me I’m sadder more for us. ~ And this is sad, forever. *****

176

y Ballrooms, Palaces And Cinderella Loves 11-27-2005 One meeting that he never forgot. _____ 1.

I met you once a long, long time ago And never could forget you.

2.

You stirred in me something very primitive − Something that I couldn’t put aside − Something that distorted even time and space for me − Something that created fantasies And made me something more than what I was.

3.

Although I haven’t met you since I’ve never forgotten the one time that I did − The time when you took my heart away with you.

4.

Oh what followed from that night − From that one chance encounter – All the magic, dreams and fantasies − All the dreams I had of you and I together − Of ballrooms, palaces And Cinderella loves. *****

177

y This Hole That Never Seems To Close (Am I Being Paranoid?)

12-3-2005 Real or imagined? _____ 1.

Lately I’ve noticed people staring at me on the train − Or am I just being paranoid?

2.

I know I rarely have a pleasant look on my face And often look up-tight and tense And even scowl at times.

Is that what invites their piercing stares at me? − Or am I just being paranoid?

3.

In retaliation I often stare right back at them − Intense and hard − And sometimes even get ready for a fight If it comes down to that. − Am I being paranoid?

4.

I think it’s all about this hole in me That never seems to close. *****

178

y Where The Snow Would Never Melt On Me 12-18-2005 Yearning for the snow’s virginity. _____ 1.

When it snows The world becomes A fairy tale wonderland for me − A storybook kingdom made of white With magic in the air.

2.

Snow − It beatifies and simplifies everything.

It takes the former collage Of stark competing colors And reduces them To just a softer snow-capped few.

And all the former shrill and rowdy sounds Are quieted down To a hush of church-like whispers All in homage To her Majesty, the Snow.

179

3.

And after it has snowed I pray that it will stay just cold enough To keep the snow around all winter long.

I hate it when it warms And the snow begins to melt And turns into a slushy, ugly, dirty brown For it sadly reminds me Of a lost virginity.

4.

Oh, how I wish I had A winter cabin in the North That would guarantee That the magic and the beauty Of the lovely snow Would never melt on me. *****

180

y

I Said I Would − I Said I Wouldn’t 1-6-2006 Emotional contradictions. ______ 1.

I said I’d throw her pictures out But I didn’t, at least not all of them.

I said I’d never think of her again But now and then I do.

I said I’d burn her letters But I still keep a few of them In the back of my drawer.

2.

I said I’d never call her again But I sometimes pick up the phone by mistake.

I said I wouldn’t speak her name again But sometimes it just comes out in my sleep.

I listen to the Angel Who tells me she’s no good for me But then I give the Devil equal time Who tells me otherwise.

3.

I said I’d free myself of her But I’m still entangled.

I told myself that I’d be happier without her But somehow, I’m sadder even more.

181

4.

What I tell myself I’ll do, I don’t.

And what I tell myself I won’t, I do.

I’m just all adrift in empty promises And contradictions.

5.

Here, look into my heart And you will see that it’s half empty And that’s because She never gave me enough of herself For it to have its proper fill.

6.

And if you look a little closer You’ll see another reason why My heart will never be full And that’s because On her way out − On the day she left − She put a big hole in it. *****

182

y

Staring Out My Window − Just Like Before?

1-21-2006 The fear of going back to the bad times. ____ 1.

I remember when I was a little kid growing up in Brooklyn I used to stare out of my back bedroom window Looking at the dying sky at dusk And feeling so depressed about life For all I saw ahead of me Was a long and troubled life With too much sadness, pain and fear to face.

I didn’t want to live in such a life And remember wanting just to end it all Which was no way for little kid to be thinking.

That was a long time ago And luckily I got away from Those dark, dark feelings of my yesterday.

2.

Recently though Those same feelings came back to me Which frightened me and made me wonder If I was looking through that same old window into Hell That I had looked through as a boy – That same old window that had that same old dying sky in it − That window that I thought I’d drawn the curtains on.

183

3.

So with these reminiscent feelings back again It made me wonder If the monkey that I thought I’d shaken off my back Had gotten on again.

It also made me wonder If I’d just been walking in some mammoth circle That has cruelly brought me back To where I started from.

4.

Even though I thought That I had turned my back on all of that I had to ask myself Is this thing that I thought I’d lost Still stalking me?

And will I have to face it All over again?

5.

Haven’t I made any progress During all these intervening years?

Or will I have these “déjà vus” Right up until my end?

6.

But if that’s the case And I have to deal With these same old feelings again I just hope they’re shorter And not so damn severe. *****

184

y

Reaching For A Mother’s Hand 1-21-2006 The security we used to have as children. ______ 1.

I passed a child Who was walking with his mother And saw him reach up And quickly find his mother’s hand.

What security that must have given him.

2.

When I’m insecure, worried or scared I feel just as a child might feel: Where everyone is big and kind of threatening, Where forests are fearfully dark and full of goblins, Where ghosts are lurking in every corner of the room, And where monsters growl and his until they make you cry.

It’s then that I reach up Searching for my mother’s hand.

3.

But when I realize That there is no warm and waiting hand Anymore It’s then I feel like a little boy Lost in a big old department store.

185

4.

“Where is my mother?”, I ask.

“Where has she gone?”

“Gone away,” the answer comes, “Gone away forever.”

5.

Although I know I have no mother anymore I still instinctively reach up Searching for her hand.

6.

For all our lives we’ll be this way − Reaching up and searching for The hand that once was there But isn’t anymore. *****

186

y My Death Will Be An Inside Job 2-3-2006 My death will come from something internal. _____ 1.

I feel my death Won’t be the result of any frontal attack − No head-on collision with the outside world − Nothing quite so obvious But rather from something Much more subtle and closer to home – From an enemy within.

2.

I feel a conspiracy Is hatching for my murder.

I feel I’ll be betrayed By some foul and devious enemy Who I carry deep inside of me − By an enemy Within my palace walls.

3.

My death will be an inside job.

The King will be assassinated By a trusted member of his court.

187

4.

I feel my death is being planned Even as we speak.

Slowly, the plot is hatching.

From what or whom or when I cannot rightly tell But it will show itself one day And when it does I’ll strangely be relieved Just to know my killer’s name.

5.

My death will come From something inside of me.

It will be an inside job Committed by A trusted member of my court. *****

188

y Oh Life, You Are Without Pity Or Emotion (You Can’t Get Blood From A Stone) 2-9-2006 There is no emotion or compassion in Life and Nature. _____ 1.

Oh, Life, you are absent of any pity or emotion for us And have little consideration for our feelings.

And after we’ve served our purposes You have little use for us.

2.

Oh Life, for all our contributions And for all our years of loyal service to you You only give us a miser’s pension That’s barely enough to survive on.

3.

Oh Life, I understand how things work And am trying my best to get used to it Because I really don’t have any choice.

4.

But for having dutifully completed All you’ve asked us to do − For successfully achieving our missions − I was hoping, Life That you’d be a little more appreciative Of all the years of service we’ve given you for the cause.

189

5.

I was hoping, Life That you’d show us a little more compassion.

I was hoping That you’d give us a more generous pension And one that was more reflective of a reward Rather than a measly and insulting pittance.

6.

I was hoping That you’d have a little more respect for us As your senior citizens And would have provided us With a little something more To ease our worries and pains In these final battle-weary years of ours And that would allow us to go out With a little more dignity.

7.

I was hoping, Life That we’d get a little more from you.

But I guess I should know by now That we can’t get anything from you That you don’t have to give − No pity, emotion or compassion − For as they say, “You can’t get blood from a stone.” *****

190

y Please Look (To Sharon) 11-7-1960 She didn’t love me as much as I loved her. _____ 1.

There must be something in you with roots so deep That makes you chose to conceal and keep Your deepest thoughts from me – me − the one who’s been so bent On being a part of you and whose love will not relent.

2.

Why is it so hard for you to look at me with any kind of feeling?

Or to look into my eyes and see a love that has no ceiling?

Why is it that you can’t see my love − The love I have inside of me that burns for you alone, my love And one that’s as clear and bright as any star that shines above? ~ How can you ever see it, if you won’t even look?

So please my dearest one, please look. *****

191

y

It’s All About The Process 5-6-2013 Avoiding completion to avoid criticism. _____ 1.

Research and re-research.

Keep researching.

Write and re-write.

Review and re-review Never conclude or decide But just keep mulling things over And working on them For it’s all about “the process” − The keep-busy process − And less about the end game.

2.

Keep looping.

Keep in that never-ending loop − That continuous process That always postpones decisions and conclusions For fear of judgment And the stigma of failure.

Keep your nose to the grindstone And keep on grinding.

192

3.

Stay in the protection of the process.

Stay within its protective shadow.

Don’t go out into the open field and expose yourself To the burning sun and stalking predators.

4.

That’s the way it is sometimes With me and my work − Going nowhere Except in that protective, keep-busy, circular And work-in-process loop.

5.

Why risk finishing your work And possibly subjecting yourself To bad reviews?

Keep a low profile.

Don’t stand up And make yourself an easy target.

Why allow the high tide to take you in And risk being stranded on the beach And easy pickings for the birds?

6.

This is the way I think sometimes − Right or wrong − Like it or not. *****

193

y The Way To Go 3-18-2013 The proper ending to life. _____ 1.

I’ve always been worried that I would pass away In the middle of the night And not have the opportunity To properly say good-bye to the ones I love Or for them to say goodbye to me.

2.

Although I know I won’t be able to predict The exact time of my passing I’d like to have my family by my side When I become sick and close to death And tell each one of them Before I passed away How much I loved them And what advice and best wishes I have for them.

3.

Oh if only I could be sure That that’s the way I’d go to my death I’d rest much easier in my life. *****

194

y Until The Wolfman Reappeared 3-22-2013 Remembering the “mornings after” in my bachelor days.

(Not meant to be disrespectful.) _____ 1.

In my wild bachelor days in Manhattan After a night of heavy drinking I’d often wind up bringing Some girl back to my apartment.

2.

They were all irresistible the night before But in the sober light of morning I grimaced at who or what was next to me Wondering where that voluptuous girl was That I could have sworn I’d taken home.

3.

But more unpleasant than that Was the ritual of putting on a polite smile And kissing my bride of Frankenstein good morning.

195

4.

And even worse than that Was the ritual Of kissing and hugging her goodbye In the bright sunlight In the middle of the sidewalk In front of a million rush-hour witnesses Who knew exactly what was going on.

5.

And the final disappointing part Of this recurring morning ritual Was the promise I’d make to myself That I’d never do that again Knowing all too well That I’d break that promise When the next full moon came out And the Wolfman reappeared. *****

196

y A Matter Of Perspective 4-2-2013 How fast or slow life goes by. ____ 1.

How was life for you?

And what can you say about it Having lived now for 85 years?

2.

“While it was happening”, he replied, “Life dragged on so slow sometimes That it felt like I was watching the hands of a clock move.”

3.

“But as I look back over all those years From the perspective of someone who’s only got a year or so to go I can’t help but think how short life really was And how fast it went by.”

4.

“So my friend, the long or shortness of life Is therefore truly A matter of perspective – And a key perspective Is the perspective that only comes with age.” *****

197

y

That’s Because You’re Looking At My Outside 4-6-2013 Outward appearances can be deceiving. _____ 1.

“Otto, you look great for someone 65.”

That’s what I told him at lunch To which he replied, “Yeah, but that’s because You’re looking at my outside.”

2.

Similarly, when you see people Who are self-assured and confident It may be because You’re only looking at their outsides For on their insides They may be scared to death of all the ghosts Who both haunt them And have mortgages on their souls.

3.

The outside versus the inside − Two very different And often contradictory things. *****

198

y Conscripts Of Nature 8-6-2013 Seemingly innocent things may be crimes too. _____ 1.

I’m on my knees weeding And with every weed I pull I precipitate a panicked scurry of insects.

2.

I’ve created Both natural and unnatural disasters For these little creatures.

I’ve created their earthquakes And their home invasions.

3.

All I’m doing Is pulling up weeds to make for a nicer lawn.

But in doing so I’m perpetrating unspeakable crimes By destroying the homes and habitats Of thousands of innocent little beings Who are just trying to get by in life Like me.

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4.

Is there such a thing as an avoidable sin And an unavoidable one?

And which one is this?

And what amount of guilt is attached to it?

5.

What a poorly designed world this is Where someone’s simple and innocent act Can precipitate such havoc and hardship on others.

Why are things made in such a way That we have to break an egg To make an omelet?

6.

What is one to do To be totally innocent of crime And free of sin?

7.

Sadly There’s not much we can do As we’ve all been set up − All been entrapped – All been framed − All been conscripted into life And made conscripts of Nature And all made involuntary accessories to, And perpetrators of, Unspeakable crimes In this arbitrary system That we’ve been born into. ***** 200

y My Personality For Better Or Worse 8-6-2013 Observations on my personality. _____ 1.

All my life I’ve been trying to change my personality.

It’s been a monkey on my back, A ghost that’s always haunted me, A heavy weight that’s hunched my back, A stigmatism that’s blurred my vision, A boil that’s always fevered me And a cancer that keeps coming back.

2.

While I can make slight and temporary changes It seems there’s nothing more that I can do For mostly everything about it Is pretty much cast in stone.

3.

So despite all my best efforts and prayers It looks as though − For better or worse − I’ll be taking my personality with me Everywhere I go And all the way to my grave. *****

201

y I Listened To Everyone But Myself 9-1-2013 Too much reliance on others. _____ 1.

I asked everyone’s opinion And listened intently to their counsel.

2.

I felt that The more information and advice I received The more informed and better off I’d be.

3.

Based on that I made my decisions.

But they all felt alien And very uncomfortable to me.

4.

The problem was That I had listened to everyone But myself. *****

202

y Down On Paper And Out Of My System 10-5-2013 The addiction of writing. _____ 1.

I’m not a good writer.

In fact my writing is very awkward Making it a very laborious process for me.

2.

However I do have a way with words In that I can often find Just the right word for things And can express things Through clever analogies.

But beyond those two specific minor talents I generally have great difficulty writing Requiring me to go through Draft after draft after draft.

3.

These two little gifts I have with words Have seduced me into writing Which has now escalated into a full blown addiction And the exhausting writing process involved in it.

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4.

But this writing addiction Has had the side benefits Of allowing me to get the things I want to say Down on paper and out of my system And a way to leave a little mark in life.

5.

It’s a complicated series Of motives, events and challenges That has me addicted to writing And that I now have little control over.

6.

So just like any addict It looks as though I’ll always be dealing with this addition – Always looking for my next high. *****

204

y

Don’t Overdo It 10-16-2013 Prepare yourself but not in excess. _____ 1.

It was a very big mountain that he had to climb today.

So to prepare himself for tomorrow He imagined an even greater mountain – A monstrous mountain in fact − And one that even gave him nightmares.

2.

But when he woke up the next morning He found a much smaller mountain Than the one he had faced the day before But one that somehow intimidated him To the point where he couldn’t handle it.

3.

It’s always a good practice to prepare yourself But not to the extent That you scare yourself to death. ~ Prepare yourself − But don’t overdo it. *****

205

y Everyone Gets The Blues 11-22-2013 A stigma reversed to some degree. _____ 1.

In the old days Depression was just one big homogeneous category That had a stigma and connotation attached to it In that anyone who suffered from it Was mentally sick or crazy.

2.

But today They have determined That there are many grades and forms of depression Within that one grand category And a more common occurrence than originally thought..

3.

Depression is a prism of a thousand shades of black and gray Ranging from mild to severe And even includes modest pessimism and moodiness.

4.

Everyone suffers from some form of depression.

Everyone gets the blues. *****

206

y

“What's It’s All About?”

10-24-2013 What’s the meaning of life? _____ 1.

Every day the sun comes up, then goes down.

The tide comes in, then goes out.

We wake up, then go to sleep.

We go in, then go out We stand up, then sit down.

We say good morning, then goodnight.

We say hello, then goodbye.

We have our morning coffee, and then our evening glass of wine.

We check the weather in the morning, then again at night.

We plant the seeds, pick the weeds Rake the leaves and shovel the snow.

2.

Seeing all that boring, limited and constant repetitiveness And all the technical comings and goings of life I just have to ask myself, “What’s it really all about?” *****

207

y Ground Hog Day 11-19-2013 The same worries every day.

(Inspired by the movie, “Ground Hog Day”, with Bill Murray.) _____ 1.

Each morning before the alarm goes off I lay in bed half-awake in the pre-dawn darkness With my heart pounding As I look at a spreadsheet that I have in my head That has all my assets and retirement money on it.

2.

Every day I wake up looking at those same numbers Regretting that they’re not as big as they should be Had I not had so many job changes, Had the 2008 Financial Crisis not occurred, And had I invested more wisely.

3.

I also wake up each morning regretting That I’ve let myself become Such a lazy and chicken investor − Lazy, for not having the desire or confidence To do any stock analysis and stock picking − And chicken, for not wanting to take on much risk.

These are the two deadly sins of investing Of which I’m guilty.

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4.

My whole financial life Is on that single page of numbers Representing the net result Of all my financial successes and failures Throughout my entire life Which results are not very flattering in my opinion As I feel I could have done much better Had I done this or had I done that.

5.

I’m frozen in time and in action Just like in the movie, “Ground Hog Day” Where Bill Murray wakes up every morning Only to find it’s the same day as yesterday And that nothing has changed.

6.

In many ways I should be proud Of what I’ve achieved and accumulated For I can thankfully and safely say That we’re reasonably comfortable.

But, I tend to be too self-critical And when I compare myself to others I always conclude That they’ve done much better than I. 7.

Every day I wake up Looking at that same sheet of paper And going over the same numbers As I did the day before.

209

8.

Each day I wake up Hoping that things will be different And that it actually will be A new day With better numbers on that spreadsheet.

9.

But each new day is Ground Hog Day − Just like in the movie − And not a new day at all But rather just a repeat of yesterday And the day before And the day before that With the numbers on my spreadsheet Being exactly the same. *****

210

y It Just May Take A Little Getting Used To (On Retirement) 11-21-2013 Some observations about when I retire. _____ 1.

When I retire, it will mean: No more big meetings in the office, No more people working for me, No more unexpected adrenalin crises, No more riding commuter trains And feeling the pulse of the world, And no more feeling successful For having survived another day at work.

2.

Rather what I’ll have to look forward to is: Just another sunrise in almost the same spot in the sky, Another cup of coffee in the same old cup, Futzing around the house and garden, Getting another book or DVD from the library, Constantly checking on the weather, Dwelling more on the past than the present, Reading the paper about what’s going on in the world That I’m no longer part of, And dozing off unexpectedly.

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3.

When I retire I won’t have All that much excitement and challenge anymore But rather Only have those routine things that I just mentioned To look forward to − Which Come to think of it − Might not be all that bad But just may take a little getting used to. *****

212

y

My Heart Can’t Heal Itself 6-14-2004 He still wonders why fate hadn’t been kind to them. _____ 1.

For all those years we’ve been apart I’d think about you now and again Wondering why both Love and Fate Had turned their backs on us.

2.

So sad it was that our two loves Had to always live apart.

So sad it was that our two loves Could not succeed together Always being foiled by something That always got in the way.

3.

Even after all these years Your memory Is like a ghost that’s always haunting me − Or a sore I can’t stop picking at − Which makes me wonder How strong and deep our love just might have been Had we reconciled our differences − Had we figured out a way to live together Before it was all too late.

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4.

Oh how I wish That my heart would heal But I know it can’t − Not all by itself. *****

214

y I Live For New Beginnings (On Me And My Family) 2-28-2006 Disappointments create chances for new beginnings. _____ 1.

There is a compensating benefit To frequent failures And constant disappointments In that they create a steady flow of hopes And new beginnings.

2.

I live for new beginnings: A new closeness to Kerry and Leandra; A renewed appreciation of Mom; And a new acceptance of myself.

3.

Every cloud has a silver lining And every dark and scary night Portends of a bright new day to come.

215

4.

I live in a sea of little hopes And constant new beginnings Each one of which is a shiny little wavelet On the surface of the water − Each one a mirror glistening in the sun − Each one a jewel worth reaching for.

I live for new beginnings. *****

216

y Will It End The Way It All Began?

10-29-2006 Not wanting a repeat of the old days. _____ 1.

For the first 20 years of my life − And more so during my childhood years − I often felt depressed and insecure For I saw myself Facing a long and unhappy life And felt I couldn’t And or didn’t want to cope with that prospect And so at times I even entertained A quick and easy out for myself Which was pretty drastic For someone so young To be thinking about things like that.

2.

For most of us our early years in life Are happy carefree years With a wealth of happy memories On which to look back on Later on in life − But not for me.

For as for me they were quite the opposite.

217

3.

While there were a number of external reasons for this Many came solely from within − From my personality and over-sensitivity − Which therefore made it even worse.

4.

Most people talk about How they wish they could go back To their happy and younger years.

But not me − Because for me It’s hard to even think about my earlier years For they were heavy weights on me And the darkest years of my life.

I would never go back to any of those years − Never!

I shutter even to think about it − To think about going back to Hell!

5.

However, from the age of 21 or so Until now at the age of 63 It’s been a kind of respite for me.

Yes, I’ve had my share of hard times and depressions During those years But for the most part Life’s been better than the way it started out For I’ve been able to take Most of those earlier and heavier feelings And pack them into a big old storage trunk, Lock the lock, And put them up in the attic.

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6.

And there they’ve sat for all these years Incarcerated in that trunk.

But while they’re just distant And fuzzy memories now They’re still there and still scary − Scary because sometimes I can hear their muffled voices Conspiring to get out And their fumbling attempts To pick the lock.

7.

But recently The feelings of those discouraging younger years Have reappeared − Like flashbacks from the war.

8.

Are they just flashback memories?

Or have those wily ghosts Finally picked the lock and gotten out?

Is my respite over?

Am I now destined to close my life The same way it opened?

Or will I be able to get those ghosts Back in the trunk again?

219

9.

Oh God, Please don’t let my final 20 years Be like my first 20.

Don’t take me back To what, and who, and where I was.

Don’t let me close my life The way that it all began.

Don’t make me close my life Looking for another out. *****

220

y Children And Old Men (Hopes And Disappointments) 11-2-2007 Commentary on life. _____ 1.

How cruel Life is sometimes: Where hopes so often Resolve into disappointments.

2.

Where failures mount And stack themselves One upon the other.

3.

Where children Give birth to happy dreams And old men Are left to watch them die And bury them One by one. *****

221

y

What’s Left To Salvage?

11-30-2007 Nothing left of love. _____ 1.

I thought you loved me for who I was And for the love I had for you But I found out later That I was only fooling myself.

2.

When I heard you singing I thought that you were singing Out of happiness.

But then I realized That it was only for diversion And only your way of coping.

3.

My bubble burst − The bubble that was my pride − The bubble that was my heart.

222

4.

I knew I wasn’t as romantic or understanding As you would have liked me to have been But I thought that you accepted that And that I had enough compensating qualities To offset what I lacked.

But I guess they weren’t quite enough For over time The reservations that you harbored Grew as hard as granite.

5.

Can nothing be undone?

Is nothing reconcilable?

Is there nothing left of our love to salvage?

Is whatever love and hope we had Not strong enough to see to their recoveries?

Have they died together?

6.

Someone tell me, please What’s left for me to salvage?

And this I ask Mostly of my heart Even though I think I know the answer.

7.

So it seems I now have to reinvent myself, Recreate my world, Re-populate my memories, And restore my worth.

But how likely is that?

223

8.

How likely is it For an old dog To learn new tricks?

Not so likely, I would say.

9.

So, should I not get my hopes up?

Should I just wise up And stop running after sticks And chasing rabbits And getting all worked up and excited Over nothing?

10.

Should I just resign myself To an empty and disappointed life?

Should I just lay down by the fire Like some tired old dog And wait to die? − For now What’s left for me to salvage? *****

224

y The Party-Pooper 11-2-2007 Life and you can be spoilers sometimes. _____ 1.

The more that I accomplish And feel good about The more I sometimes feel Not so good about For every party has a party-pooper And I can often be the party-pooper At my own party.

2.

It’s an ironic and annoying thing That what you should feel good about You sometimes don’t.

And what should make you happy Sometimes doesn’t.

What’s with that?!

225

3.

Things are often never as they ought to be: That full night’s sleep That leaves you exhausted, The new things you’ve learned That only point out how little you really know, The achievement of a goal That only gives you empty satisfaction, And the reaching of the summit Only to discover how lonely it is at the top.

4.

Even though the sun is out You always bring along your shadow.

And even though the skies are clear You often drag along the clouds That will rain on your parade.

5.

Why this is I’m not exactly sure But it just is sometimes. *****

226

y Purgatory Instead Of Hell 12-10-2007 Hopefully my music and poetry will account for something. _____ 1.

So far in life I haven’t made a mark To any substantial degree.

Accordingly, I may be bound for anonymity.

2.

But wait.

The music and the poetry That I’ve written over all of almost 50 years − And the years of editing So I could make them the best that they could be − Hopefully, they’ll account for something.

3.

So now with all these works completed I’ll leave them all to Luck − To both Good Luck and Bad Luck − And won’t be an active player in their destinies any more But rather, just an interested spectator − But an anxious one − Anxious to see Which one of these two Lucks will win And whether my works will or will not Account for something.

227

4.

But if Bad Luck wins and Good Luck loses And they don’t account for anything to anyone During my life Then I’ll just have to be satisfied That they accounted for something to me.

5.

And when it comes to my Judgment Day After I pass away And they tally up everything that I’ve done I hope my defense attorney will present to the Court My music and my poetry as Exhibits A and B And they’ll hopefully at lease account for something then.

6.

But if they still don’t Then I hope I’ll get at least an “A” for effort Which hopefully will be enough of a something To go towards either my redemption Or a lighter sentence – Perhaps Purgatory Instead of Hell. *****

228

y Having My Cake And Eating It Too (Music Or Business?) (“Honey, I’m Home”) 4-12-2008 Business was my wife and music my mistress. _____ 1.

When I was in college I had to chose my major: Music or Business?

2.

It was a long and hard debate: My emotional heart favored music And my practical head favored business.

3.

I felt that if I chose music I’d never make a decent living − So I chose business.

4.

With business I found mostly steady work, More financial security, And gained some status in the world.

It was the right decision.

229

5.

Though my head and business won the power struggle My heart and music didn’t give up But rather went underground To plan their comebacks.

6.

While I made my vows to business I kept music as my mistress And never thought myself unfaithful.

7.

Now After more than 40 years in business I’ve got just about enough security To retire somewhat comfortably.

I can lock my office door, Put my business suits away, And sit down at the piano or pick up the guitar And play or write to my heart’s content.

8.

After more than 40 years away from her − Away from my faithful mistress − I finally came back Flung open the door And yelled out, “Honey, I’m home!”

230

9.

Looking back I can safely say That my decision was a good one For I made a decent living, Saved a decent sum, And was fortunate that my mistress waited for me.

I broke her heart once But I never will again.

10.

My decision was a wise one For another reason as well For it allowed me to have What is normally mutually exclusive: To have my cake And eat it too! *****

231

y Quiet Morn 8-16-2008 Everything seems better in the morning.

(I wrote a musical piece for piano and strings named “Quiet Morn� which I dedicated to my sister Christine for her 50th birthday.) _____ 1.

In the quiet of the morning Before the world awakes Life is fresh and simple.

2.

In the quiet of the morning I feel as if I were The only man on Earth.

3.

In the quiet of the morning My spirit floats As if it were the wind.

4.

In the quiet of the morning I can reach up to the sky And touch its color blue. ~ I can hear The whispers of the wind. ~

232

I can understand The language of the rustling leaves. ~ I can see Every glistening dew drop As a little crystal ball. ~ 5.

In the quiet of the morning Nature is my friend And the only friend I need.

6.

In the quiet of the morning I feel I know by heart The song of every bird.

7.

In the quiet of the morning Before the world awakes I find sanctuary.

8.

At this special time of day − In the quiet of the morning − I’m at my hopeful best. *****

233

y Respite And Recovery 10-19-2008 Life cruelly toys with us sometimes. _____ 1.

Oh Life You plague us with Reality But then, cunningly You administer your antidotes Of Fantasy and Denial.

2.

Oh Life You work us Long and Hard Then tease us With Respite and Recovery Measured in miserly doses That are barely enough To keep us alive And our grip on you.

234

3.

Oh Life Why do you sic your dogs Sorrow and Despair on us And bring us to our knees Begging for Death?

And then When we’re almost near our ends You send in Hope to save us?

4.

Oh Life Why do you toy with us this way? *****

235

y Never Bet Against The Odds (Street And Bar Fights) 10-23-2008 Leaning from experience. _____ 1.

In my day I’ve had some bloody knock-down fights In the streets and in the bars Both at home and abroad − In Brooklyn, New York City, Ft. Lauderdale, Boston, Falls River, Denver and Amsterdam.

2.

Drink and Temper were the primary Instigators Who either worked alone Or collaborated with each other.

3.

Even now at the age of 65 I’m not afraid of a good old knockdown fight And feel strangely confident That I can still handle myself fairly well.

236

4.

With a respectable win-loss record to my credit My Heart Who is my trusted Manager Still calls me, Champ.

5.

So when the prospect of another fight Presents itself My Heart tells me I’m ready − Ready to come out of retirement − And can’t imagine anything But another win-by-knockout.

6.

But when I think about it And about the odds I worry that at my age One more fight Could be my last.

7.

My Heart tells me to book the fight And that “everything will be alright.”

But my Head shows me the odds And how bad they’re stacked against me.

8.

While my Heart’s a proud and wishful thinker And often pumps me up with flattery My Head respects the odds And listens to what they say.

237

9.

In the end I don’t book the fight For if my years of experience Have taught me anything It’s that one should never Bet against the odds. *****

238

y The Magic Show 11-15-2008 When I was young I only read non-fiction books. _____ 1.

When I was young The only kind of books I read Were serious ones − Factual non-fiction books − Books that were full of information − Books on science, philosophy, religion and the like.

Fiction had no value to me And I considered it Somewhat of a petty indulgence.

2.

Somehow I had a penchant For information and learning And loved the sense of satisfaction they gave me − The sense of being filled.

The more I knew The better I felt about myself And the greater self-esteem I had.

Though it took a lot more time and energy Than reading fiction It was something that I loved to do But also, in a way It was something that I had to do.

239

3.

When I compared myself to others − Which was something I would always do − I’d always come up short.

So I read for knowledge’s sake And for the filling that it gave me.

The more I knew The more I felt that I could compensate For the things I thought I lacked.

The more I knew The more I felt that I could close the gap a bit Between what I thought that others had And what I thought I didn’t have And maybe even gain A slight advantage.

4.

While some of what I read was heavy stuff And I didn’t fully understand it I hoped that with enough attempts at it I would.

Many times I thought I understood What I was reading Only to discover that I didn’t And that knowledge and understanding Had eluded me again.

It was a constant game of cat and mouse – A constant process of trial and error – Of hit and miss – And luck.

240

5.

My persistent tug of war And constant struggle with learning Had many attending contradictions And frustrations: It was a love I was never fully at ease with But one I’d be worse without; A source of pleasure But also, of discontentment; A high Followed by a low: A crossword puzzle that I knew I couldn’t finish But that I also couldn’t put down.

6.

Understanding the material In all those non-fiction books Was sometimes difficult But at the same time it was a kind of magic show for me In that even though I didn’t always understand Exactly how the tricks were done I was fascinated with the magic And just glad to be there in the audience. *****

241

y Rifle Shots In Winter 11-17-2008 Winter sounds are distinctly different than summer sounds.

1.

When the leaves are off the trees And the air is cold and crisp Winter sounds are icy-sharp And crack sometimes as loud as rifle shots That travel through the air Unrestricted and uninhibited And almost at the speed of light it seems.

2.

Winter sounds and all their mirrored echoes Ricochet and multiply off every rock and tree.

They fill the air and make it seem As though they’re everywhere at once − As if the world was one big echo chamber.

3 Winter sounds Are the sounds you cannot hear in summer When the interfering leaves are on the trees And every sound is muffled By the stifling heat and summer lush Or swallowed up and drowned In the heavy humid air.

242

4.

Oh Winter sounds You sound as loud sometimes As icebergs breaking off a glacier.

5.

Oh Winter sounds You ring out and scatter everywhere Like a flock of startled birds.

6.

Oh Winter sounds How I love to listen to your voices And their unencumbered echoes As they riot through the open woods Naked cold and free. *****

243

y Collision At Sea (A Naval Tragedy) 11-30-2008 During the Vietnam War while on night maneuvers in the North Pacific our ship was cut in half by one of our own ships in a convoy.

It was a first-hand experience with tragedy and death. _____ 1.

It was in the middle of the night And I was just about to go up topside to the bridge To assume the night watch as Officer of the Deck.

I was down in CIC * Getting briefed by the CIC officer-in-charge About our ship’s current position, The contacts that we had on radar and sonar, And our planned maneuvers for the night. * The Combat Information Center

244

2.

Our ship was the USS McMorris (DE 1036), a destroyer escort And one of many ships screening a convoy To protect it from a potential submarine attack.

When I arrived in CIC A signal was already “in the air” – A signal poised for execution: “Standby to re-orient the screen!”

Which signal, when executed Required all the screening ships To turn and speed through the convoy And take up new positions to protect it From a submarine threat from a new direction.

3.

The maneuver was to be performed Under darkened-ship conditions − A term used for when the navigation lights On all the ships were all turned off So that any stalking submarine couldn’t sight in on them And get an easy torpedo shot.

It was a moonless night that night Which made it even more dangerous In that when the ships reoriented themselves And crisscrossed each other Speeding to their newly assigned positions They wouldn’t be able to see each other − Other than on radar.

245

4.

The maneuver was quite complex And required: Accurate plotting, precise coordination and timely execution.

It was a dangerous enough maneuver in daylight And so much more so on a moonless night Under darkened-ship conditions.

Then, the signal was executed, “Reorient the screen!”

And all the screening ships were on the move.

5.

Halfway into the maneuver I looked at the CIC radar plotting board And asked a simple question, “Where’s the Tombigbee?”, The cargo ship that we were screening.

“It’s temporarily lost in the sea return * But it’ll be out in a minute.”, The CIC Officer reassured me − But it never did. * When ships are close to each other they’re not able to be seen on radar as their radar reflections are masked by reflections off the sea.

6.

Soon I heard some panicked yelling on the bridge And the Captain order, “Right full rudder!”

Then I heard him yell, “I think, we’re too damn close!

We better show ourselves!”

Then he screamed, “Lighten ship! All lights on!” − But it was too late.

246

7.

Then I heard a loud heavy thud followed by a dead-stop jolt Which threw me across the compartment and into the bulkhead.

I hit my elbow hard against its cold and solid steel rib framing.

I also heard the hissing sounds of broken steam pipes.

We’d been almost cut in half! − Cut in half by the Tombigbee − The very ship we were screening.

8.

There was pandemonium both on deck and down below.

I heard the crackling sounds of electricity Arcing from the electrical lines that had been cut Which were flailing around like unmanned fire hoses With sparks shooting out from their severed ends And lighting up the black night sky Just like sparklers on the 4th of July.

9.

The smell of oil was in the air, on the decks and in the sea.

It was everywhere.

I was more afraid of fire than I was of sinking.

I remember thinking that it was just a matter of time Before the fire and explosion.

But I kept that thought and fear to myself So as not to cause any greater apprehension in the crew.

247

10.

Everyone was yelling, “Get the men out from down below!”

(Most men who were killed, hurt or trapped Were in the berthing compartments below.)

“Lower the stretchers and get those men up top-side!”

Slowly, one by one, the heads of sailors Began to appear above the combings of the decks.

One by one we laid them out on deck.

It was hard to find enough free and undamaged space on deck To accommodate all of them.

Some were dead, Some were missing limbs, And some had broken bones and lacerations.

It was better that this tragedy occurred at night For mercifully The blood showed more black Than red.

11.

There can be no real plan or order When a tragedy like this occurs.

You just did what you saw you had to do.

Rank between the officers and men Meant less than it ever had before.

Reflex, common sense and bravery Were the real officers in charge And you did whatever they ordered you to do.

And if you didn’t You just froze in fear And did nothing − Nothing but just instinctively Look out for yourself.

248

12.

At one point I went below decks To see what damage had been done down there.

And when I reached the “Chief’s Quarters” I saw an Engineering Chief Petty Officer Stretched out on the deck lying on his back.

His head was twice its normal size And looked like a balloon of water For all the bones in his skull had been crushed Leaving no support for the liquid That had become the inside of his head.

13.

I stopped and knelt down beside him, Took his hand, and felt it weakly take hold of mine.

Our eyes engaged But neither one of us said anything.

I knew he wasn’t going to make it − And he knew it too.

Then the light in his eyes went out And his hand went limp on me.

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14.

I slowly put down his hand and moved on.

I remember that not a single tear came to my eye For too many things were happening and all too fast − Too fast to have even such a tragedy as this Fully sink in.

Emotions can’t catch up With all the things that were going on For they need more time To properly assemble themselves into grief.

The mind can’t function in its proper way For it just can’t process well When there’s so much that has to be absorbed − And thank god, for otherwise Things such as nights like this Would overwhelm you.

15.

I’ll never forget that night And that taste of tragedy and death.

Though only a taste It was a taste I’ll never forget And one that will always stay with me Wherever I go In some way, shape, or form. *****

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Post Script You grow up fast when life demands you to.

One lesson in this kind of school – In the school of tragic experiences – And you’ve earned a full degree.

And while you grow up harder and stronger for it In many ways you grow up weaker too. ~ You also never sleep as soundly as you used to And sometimes jump at every loud or sudden noise − Or when those scary jack-in-the-box memories Pop-up on you unexpectedly as they sometimes do. ~ While tragedies like this train you for the next one You always wish there was a better way. *****

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y Help Is On The Way 8-24-2009 The heart is ever hopeful. _____ 1.

This heart is empty.

This heart is hurting.

This heart is good And doesn’t deserve what’s on it now.

2.

This heart is desperate for relief And thinks it’s heard a whispered promise That “Help is on the way.”

3.

This heart is always listening and searching And always ever hopeful.

This heart is looking for the light It believes is there And waiting for the breeze It trusts will come.

And this heart believes that good Will be rewarded And evil punished.

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4.

This heart is looking for the signs That help is on its way: A line of dust above the horizon Signaling that the cavalry’s on its way; The emerging glow of a rising moon That will open up the night; The discovery of a cabin with its lights on In a dark and scary forest; The soft and reassuring voice That will finally end the piercing silence; A touch upon its shoulder To let it know that it’s not alone; A ray of hope To challenge its despair; A big brother To save it from the bullies on the block; A phone that finally rings To let it know that someone cares.

5.

This heart’s a dreamer − Dreaming up all the dreams it needs For its survival.

And this heart will go on dreaming And believing no matter what That help is on the way. *****

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y Eccentricity 9-19-2009 Some things about my life and personality. _____ 1.

In my personal life I’ve had trouble making friends And keeping them.

2.

And in my business life I’ve had trouble landing jobs And holding on to them.

3.

I’ve also felt a little uncomfortable In my own skin And with my personality.

4.

In many ways I’ve never been content with life in general Feeling that I just didn’t fit in At least as easily and neatly as others might.

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5.

I don’t know the reasons behind it all But it could be due to: My genes; My upbringing; My experiences; Or a million other things.

6.

But whatever the reasons are I always feel awkward And uncomfortable. *****

255

y A Martyr For The Cause (Recycling) 12-2-2009 We are in fact just part of a huge recycling system. _____ 1.

The moisture in the sky collects into raindrops Then falls to the Earth where its former identity Dissolves and seemingly disappears.

Then in time, an entirely new entity With its own unique soul Assembles itself and slowly ascends Back into the sky And finally becomes rain again.

2.

No drop of water is ever the same as it once was.

No drop of water ever retains its former identity For each one offers up its singular identity To the group identity of the System.

No drop of water ever retains for long Its autonomy or its individuality.

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3.

A flower falls but doesn’t die But rather it freshens up the soil And offers a brand new cradle for an infant seed.

It gives up its former being and identity As a martyr for the cause.

It bows to the greater common good.

It understands and submits itself completely To the System it is in.

4.

We as humans have this over-inflated And self-deluding image of ourselves That we’re generals In command of our lives.

But in reality We aren’t generals at all But rather merely enlisted soldiers Not giving orders But rather following them.

5.

And when we die We’ll relinquish whatever identities we had And be humbly recycled Along with all the rest of Nature’s members.

Although that process may appear to make us Less than what we were In many ways, by our sacrifice We actually become more than what we were Because we become Martyrs for the cause.

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6.

How distant and distinct we think we are From and above all our fellow creatures And even from Nature itself sometimes.

But, we are not so special by any means − Not enough to either distance or exempt ourselves From the System we are in.

Nor can we ever earn anything better for ourselves Than what’s been planned for us.

We have no Inalienable rights, Favored status, Or special dispensations Outside of what the System has designed for us.

7.

So when my body and my mind are done And I, as a person, shall fall away Just put me in The big blue recycling bin And set me out at the curb For the Wednesday morning pick-up.

8.

And don’t worry yourself none About any feelings that you may have in doing that And thinking that you’re demeaning me For I won’t feel demeaned in the slightest way For I understand the System we are That only sees us as a “What” Rather than a “Who”.

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9.

I understand the System − Which is a System of exchange That constantly goes on between Life and Death With little ceremony And that is not demeaning in any way.

I’ve had my day And am reconciled To the next step in the Program.

10.

So when I die I won’t think of me As giving up the “Who” I was To the “What” I will become For the “Who” I was Was only just another form of “What” And something that my Ego had created Just to flatter itself.

11.

I believe I understand the System we are in Where Living and Dying Are only two components In the same continuum − The continuous transformation From one thing to another − Where our Deaths Are just as noble as our Lives For they foster other Lives − Just in a different form.

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12.

Is there any greater Or more noble sacrifice Than a Death for a Life?

Is there any greater honor Than to be A martyr for the cause? *****

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y

Don’t Mourn For Me (On A Vietnamese Film) 3-20-2010 Inspired by the Vietnamese movie, “First Morning”. _____ 1.

What footprint can ever remain in the sand?

What footprint can ever escape the tide?

2.

Who can measure the cost of freedom?

Who can question the road we took?

3.

Every spring endures a winter.

Every lullaby bears a mother’s grief.

Every dream demands a sacrifice.

4.

Don’t mourn for me when I die For death is not the greatest loss For the greatest loss Is that which dies inside of you While you’re alive. *****

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y No Match For All The Evil You Have Done 1-11-2000 His amends aren’t nearly compensation enough. _____ 1.

The sun-white sky above would have blinded you, Your bones would have all be picked and dried, And the wind-blown grains of sand Would have made you a fitting grave Had not some kindly soul come along And rescued you.

2.

But you, you little maggot ingrate You still remain ungrateful Despite all the charity given you By the one who stopped and rescued you After you were felled, hurt and wounded And Death was the only one Who had volunteered to help.

3.

I would have thought That you’d have followed your rescuer’s charitable lead And been more charitable to others − But no, you remain the ingrate parasite you are Always taking and never giving.

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4.

Your parasitic greed doesn’t ever wane, does it?

Rather it stays its course and singular purpose Moving from one host to the other Gnawing fleshy tunnels Into each one of your successive victims And feeding off them Until they’re empty and dry.

You’re mindless, heartless and always unappreciative Even to the very one Who stopped and saved your life.

5.

Even though you sometimes show remorse And ask forgiveness for your acts − And sometimes even try to make amends − They’re no match or compensation For all the evil you have done. *****

263

y

Rebuilding − Brick By Brick 3-10-2000 A metaphor on our vulnerabilities. _____ 1.

Sometimes I get the feeling That everything I do and everything I am Has very little value.

And when I get those feelings I’m extremely vulnerable − Vulnerable enough Where any kind of Storm Could easily bring my house down around me − The house that represents My self-worth, security, and self-confidence.

And when and if that were to happen It will require all I have To get back up and start rebuilding.

2.

But before I can even begin to rebuild I’ll need some time: To dry my tears, Collect my thoughts, Regain my lost composure, And build my spirits up again.

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3.

I’ll also need to have a long, long talk among Myself And my constant companions Of Depression, Hope and Determination And get us all to agree Not to fight amongst ourselves Or to work at cross-purposes As we so often do.

4.

Then I’ll need to formulate a brand new set of plans, Restack the bricks and timbers That had fallen in around me, And begin the long rebuilding process.

5.

And when all the rebuilding’s done And I’m comfortably sitting in my rebuilt home Thinking that I’m finally safe and sound I hear the Wind outside Soberly reminding me That at any time – Day or night − The Wind could rise And easily bring it down again.

6.

Another sobering thing that I must be cautious of Is the fact that as soon as I begin to doubt myself And compare myself too critically against the others That’s when the hairline fractures in my house Begin to show themselves Which the Wind can easily spot And rapidly exploit.

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7.

While I know the Wind has no respect for me Nor any conscience or remorse And can fell my house anytime it likes What makes it worse Is that I often have so little say in it.

8.

Should my house be leveled again And I find myself Out in the Wind and freezing Rain once more That’s when I’m at my worst And most vulnerable state For it’s then that I hesitate and question myself: “Will I rally? Or will I falter?

Will I get up? Or stay down?

Am I defeated? Or just set back?”

9.

In time though, I do get up And have that long, long talk with Myself And all the other players again.

10.

And once I get Myself And all the others on board and working together again I slowly start rebuilding just like before − Brick by brick and stone by stone − With one eye on my work And the other on the Wind. *****

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y Always In The Way 3-15-2000 Lost souls after death. _____ 1.

After death Most souls leave this world And go to their new home in the Afterworld.

But some And more than we think Refuse to leave And rather linger on amongst us − Lost, and always in the way.

2.

These souls have either: Lost the scent of the Herd of Departed Souls Or have just chosen not to follow it.

So these separated and drifter souls Are sadly left to wander by themselves Lost, disoriented and leaderless And always in the way.

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3.

Most lost souls are innocent and harmless In both their actions and their motives.

But others are disgruntled, rebellious and fight viciously To keep a hold on their former lives And defiantly resist their destinies And sometimes make trouble for us.

4.

These are the souls Who brush up against us now and then − Sometimes lightly And sometimes hard − Sometimes by mistake And sometimes quite on purpose − And who are the souls Who are always in the way.

5.

These are also the souls who unsettle us And keep us frightened in our sleep.

They are also the souls Who provide us peep holes into that other world − Into that dark dimension of the Spirit World − The Afterworld of the Dead.

6.

We can only hope that someday these wayward souls Will find the Herd again And be lead to their final resting places Where they’ll no longer be lost And always in the way. ***** 268

y If Books Were All I Had (Now That I Am Older) 5-23-2000 What age has given me. _____ 1.

Now that I am older What I used to see as randomness I see as order.

And what I used to see as order I see as randomness.

2.

Now that I am older I can better understand the scheme of life − The whats, hows and whys of things − Whereas before I couldn’t.

3.

Now that I am older I hear music Whereas before all I heard was noise; I see art Whereas before all I saw were pictures on a wall; I feel love Whereas before it was only sex.

Oh the glory of witnessing these conversions Now that I am older.

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4.

When I was young History was nothing more than names and dates That I had to memorize.

But now I see it as our fascinating human story That I can fully identify with − Now that I am older.

5.

Each new grain of knowledge, Each new discovery, Each new appreciation, Is like a diamond found And now that I am older I’m finding them everywhere − And everywhere in books.

6.

And with this new-found realization I feel so happy Knowing that I could live contentedly For all of my remaining years If books were all I had.

7.

But I have to ask myself, “Why couldn’t I have had this awakening sooner And not wasted so much valuable time?”

The answer’s simple and lies in the fact That it could only have come At this time in my life – This time – now that I am older. ***** 270