f Poems To, For, or About
The Michelsen Family of Cos Cob, CT by Neil Michelsen Mom and Dad: Violeta and Neil Children: Kerry and Leandra
Written between 1999 and 2014
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f Dedication To my dearest wife, son and daughter
2015
The Michelsen Family (with Nanay)
1990
Hong Kong 2011
At Home in Cos Cob, Connecticut 2001
Aspen, Colorado 2008
New York City 2004
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f Preface The poems in this volume are to, for, or about Mom (Violeta), Kerry, Leandra and me and our lives together as a family. I wrote for emotional expression as well as out of love for the family and as a way of documenting part of our personal histories together. I apologize if any offense is taken with anything I’ve written as that was not my intent. Also, since these poems were not professionally edited, I apologize for any deficiencies in poetic form or for any grammatical, typographical or spelling errors. The poems in this volume go up through 2014. Those written after 2014 are included in subsequent volumes. The poems are presented in the chronological order in which they were written. Also, those which I considered to be the better ones, based on their poetic value, subject matter or personal meaning to me, are indicated with an asterisk. An index of all my poems, including those herein, is presented in a separate Master Index volume. It is my hope that these poems, along with my other personal works (i.e. my journals, books and other writings; music compositions; family movies and photo albums; paintings; and various collections and memorabilia) will serve as my legacy and mark in life as well as a personal inheritance to the family.
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f Table of Contents No Title Preface 1. One Eye Open 2. A Leader Or A Bully? 3. Pick Up The Flag I Dropped 4. Their Imputed Gift? 5. The Housewarming * 6. An Evening Sail Alone 7. Blood Line − Not So Noble As… 8. The Little By Little Game 9. The Family Photographer 10. Will Anyone Ever Care About My Music? 11. Come To My Bedside * 12. With Only Limited Success 13. What Will We Salvage? 14. One Reason Why I Write 15. An Acre Is All That I Can Handle 16. Happy Memorial Day, Dad 17. You Made Me A Father * 18. In My Living Room And Kitchen Too 19. I Must Leave Them Be * 20. Photographs − A Thing Forever * 21. A Family Tradition 22. Our Grounds 23. Just To Keep This Job 24. Is That The Time They’ll Get To Know Me? * 25. As Rich As I * 26. Pained With Guilt * 27. Another Night − Another Broken Promise 28. Will There Be Sufficient Time For Me? 29. Ghosts In This Old House 30. It’s The Best That I Can Do 31. Sharper Than A Serpent’s Tooth * 32. Getting Ready For Being Left Behind 33. Here Burns The Candle Out *
Pg 1 3 5 6 9 12 14 15 17 19 21 23 24 26 27 29 31 33 34 38 40 41 43 44 46 48 50 52 54 57 59 63 64
34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 47. 48. 49. 50. 51. 52. 53. 54. 55. 56. 57. 58. 59. 60. 61.
I Hope You Understand Waiting For You On The Other Side * We Are Family − First And Foremost I Want My Family With Me When I Pass Away What’s Set Is Set Am I A Bully? I’ll Never Acquiesce Angry Cloudbursts What’s For Love And What’s For Duty? * I Live For New Beginnings * I Am The Family Dreamkeeper I’m Not Speaking For Which Should I Prepare Myself? * My Christmas And New Year’s Wish Retirement * My Picture-Perfect World * Be Careful What You Ask For Roast Beef I Worry About The Guards Our Queen Anne Chair All My Job Searches A Fatal Attraction The History That Surrounds Our House My House, The Bride Our Mini-Estate I Love To Walk Around The House Our House Is Like A Beautiful Painting Look Through All My Things * Most favored for their poetic style, subject matter or personal meaning to me.
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65 67 68 70 72 74 76 78 79 81 83 84 85 87 89 91 95 97 99 103 106 112 114 116 119 121 122 124
Poems of Neil Michelsen
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y One Eye Open 5-13-1999 Worries for me and the family. _____ 1. Animals are not the only things That sleep with one eye open and ears alert − I do too. 2. Here I am tonight only half asleep Worrying about my life and family And what might befall us next. 3. Right now I have no job And little financial security. I’m on an open plain With no trees or brush to provide any cover Aware of every Sound, smell and shadow – And every Leaf that moves and twig that breaks − And fearing everything.
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4. Here I lay Restless and watchful Alert and listening And sleeping with one eye open With fear and worry About my life and family Chasing my imagination. *****
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y A Leader Or A Bully? (About My Family) 8-10-1999 Sensitive as to how I may be perceived. _____ 1. I love my family very much And worry about anything that affects them Including my own actions and reactions. 2. I worry if my own frustrations And the effects of my nature or upbringing Sometime spill over onto them. 3. Do I come home After a hard day’s work in the office And kick the dog? 4. Do I lead or do I bully? Although you have to be A little bit of a bully to lead I always wonder Where do you draw the line?
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5. This is both a philosophical As well as a hard and tangible question That I wish I had the answer to So I wouldn’t have to keep asking myself. 6. So I do keep asking For love of family And for wanting to do What’s best for them. *****
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y Pick Up The Flag I Dropped (To My Family) 4-27-2000 If I fail to get my writings some literary or market recognition I hope my wife and children might perhaps try. _____ 1. As every writer does now and again I fantasize About the recognition That my works might possibly get someday. 2. But if they never get any published recognition While I’m alive I ask you kindly, my dearest wife and children To consider trying to do with them What I could not − I ask you to pick up the flag That I had dropped. 3. Consider doing it for me For yourself And for the family. *****
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y Their Imputed Gift Me? (To My Family) 5-23-2000 Their little gift to me? _____ 1. I’m always working on something − Either my music or my poetry − But get little notice from the family. 2. During the day When they pass me while I’m working They quietly say “Hello”. And at night When they’re on their way to bed They lightly kiss me on the cheek And say, “Good night” But rarely do they ever ask me What I’m working on.
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3. So I wrestle with a number of haunting questions: “Aren’t they even a little bit curious About what I’m doing? “Don’t they care?” Or worse “Do they somehow think I’m unapproachable?” “Have I put myself in a cave That I might have built myself?” 4. So, with such little apparent concern Or curiosity from the family About what I’m doing I further ask myself, “Will what I’m working on Be worth all the time and effort I put into it?” 5. And more importantly I ask myself, “Will my family appreciate my work When I finally share it with them Or leave it to them when I die?” This last question is especially worrisome Since so much of my work Is to, for, and about them.
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6. So even though They never ask me what I’m doing I try to look at the positive side By considering it Their kind and imputed gift to me − To leave me to do my work Undisturbed. *****
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y The Housewarming * (On My Family) 9-9-2000 Reflecting on a foggy night sitting on the front porch. _____ 1. Mom and I had just returned From a housewarming party across the road. It was at a huge house with spacious grounds Which made our house Look small by comparison. 2. We sat on the front porch by ourselves for a while. Then, Kerry and Leandra joined us When they came home From babysitting for two other neighbors. 3. It all felt so good: The lovely night, The wine I had at the party, And being with the family. Everything fell nicely into place. Everything was mellow.
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4. But soon One by one They all went in: Mom, because of the mosquitoes, Leandra, because she was tired, And Kerry, because he had other things to do. 5. But as for me I stayed there on the porch by myself Listening to the caroling sounds of the insects That made the night... So alive. 6. A mist of clouds veiled the moon And a light fog Hovered over the road, lawn and woods Which defused the ambient light Into a quiet and mysterious glow And muffled all the sounds Down to a summer hush. 7. The night was mesmerizing – So beautiful and dreamy. And the world − So non-threatening And even friendly.
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8. For about an hour I sat there by myself In that other world Taking it all in Alone − Yet not alone at all. *****
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y An Evening Sail Alone (On My Family) 10-7-2000 Nobody wanted to sail with me one evening so I went alone. _____ 1. There was little interest And so many reservations and excuses From everyone I asked That I was faced with not going sailing at all − Or going by myself. 2. I was a little apprehensive About taking the boat out by myself For what if something happened? What if the wind picked up and I needed help? What if I had trouble picking up the mooring? What if I fell overboard? What if this? And what if that? 3. Anyway I finally decided to take it out by myself And sail it alone.
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4. The sail went perfectly And I enjoyed it More than I thought I would. 5. I was proud of my single handed sail And confidently told myself That from now on I could sail Anytime I wanted to. 6. I had found a new freedom In that I now knew That even though I preferred to sail with the family I didn’t have to be held hostage To their competing plans. And furthermore I had developed a new And more personal relationship with my boat. 7. Everybody enjoyed themselves that evening For we all had gotten to do what we wanted to do. But I believe that I had gotten The most out of it. *****
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Blood Line − Not So Noble As… (To My Family) 3-1-2001 Our family bonds are based on love not blood. _____ 1. While the bonds of blood are deep They are not so noble But rather primitive in nature. 2. So with no one in our family – Not Mom, Leandra, Kerry or I – Being related by primitive blood lines We are totally equal And our family is a more sophisticated kind of family And one that’s based on a higher And more noble social concept and bonding. 3. We are family − Bonded by mutual dependence, respect and love. 4. We are family – Always reinforcing one another – One for all and all for one. *****
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y The Little By Little Game (On My Family) 8-30-2001 Remembering the mind games I had to play to get our 7 ½ year house renovation project done between 1991 to 1998. _____ 1. Renovating our house Was such a huge and daunting project That if I thought about it as a single project I’d be overwhelmed And tempted to abandon it. So I had to play some mind games with myself To get it done. 2. Firstly I had to break up the massive project Into little pieces. And then Consciously keep them separated in my mind And never allow them to reassemble themselves For if they did They’d become a monster that would swallow me. I had to keep them all apart and separated. I had to keep them divided – I had to divide and conquer them − Separately, one by one.
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3. Secondly Because so much of what I was doing Was by trial and error I made a lot of mistakes Which had me doing things over and over again And not making the progress I wanted to. So, for each component of the job − And in order not to get discouraged − I recited these magic words, “Little by little. Day by day. Piece by piece. One thing at a time.” 4. I had to invent these And a range of other gimmicks and mind games In order to cope with all that had to be done. I had to play little tricks on and with my mind In order to convert this overwhelming project Into something I could handle. 5. Inventing little gimmicks and mind games Was the only way I had To keep my spirits up And the project going. *****
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y The Family Photographer (On My Family) 12-2-2001 Don’t misinterpret my absence in our family pictures. _____ 1. I’m always taking pictures Of Mom and Leandra all cuddled up together − As mother and daughter; Of Mom and Kerry all lovey-dovey − As mother and son; And of Kerry and Leandra joking with each other − As brother and sister. 2. Whenever I see a candid shot That would capture some event or sentiment In our daily lives I run and get my camera. 3. While I do it for the “now” I do it more so for the “future” So that years from now Through all the photos that I’ve taken Our family can relive All the times we shared together.
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4. But as for me I sometimes feel a little left out For unless I ask No one runs to take that candid shot of me − The one of me with Mom, Kerry or Leandra: As husband and wife, As father and son, As father and daughter And as family. 5. So when they look back At all those family pictures And see how often I may be missing I hope they’ll remember That the reason for my absence Was the fact That I was always on duty As the family photographer. *****
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y Will Anyone Ever Care About My Music? (To My Family) 12-5-2001 Fearing that my music efforts might be for naught. _____ 1. When I think about All the personal music I wrote I get a little exhausted thinking about All the work that went into it: All the self study, The melody and chord construction, The harmonic and composition theory, The long-hand transcription into sheet music, And all the editing that followed. 2. But I get even more exhausted When I think about What more I have to do To bring it up to its final and finished state: Imputing it into computer software, Converting it into computer-generated sheet music, Finding and directing musicians to perform them, Recording and audio-editing them, And finally making them into CDs.
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3. While I’ll be doing this For the love of music And for my own sense of accomplishment I’ll also be doing it With the hope they’ll have some value To someone other than myself someday − In particular to my family Who I’ll leave them to. 4. But while I have my hopes for them That they’ll be appreciated by my family someday I have a latent fear That maybe no one Might ever care for them And that they might just die An anonymous and lonely death And be buried in a pauper’s grave. 5. And if that will be the unfortunate outcome I’d rather have them buried with me To save them From a paupers grave And me From the pain of seeing them orphaned. And in doing so, there’d be the awkward side benefit Of least being able to take something with me When I go. *****
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y Come To My Bedside * (I Won’t Keep You Very Long) (To My Wife And Children) 2-17-2002 My own wishes through this man’s last request. _____ 1. “My dearest wife and children Come to me − Come to my beside So I can say good-bye to you For I am dying as I speak.” 2. “Oh come and sit beside my bed Look into my eyes And hold my hand − Don’t let me go alone.” 3. “Come close so I can look at you − At your dear, dear faces That are now looking down at me But not fully understanding what is happening”
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4. “Let me study them and relive All the history of our lives together That they contain.” 5. “Let me take your images Deep into my mind and heart As they represent my most cherished legacy.” 6. “Let your dearest images and memories Be the last things that I see and hold Before they put me in my grave.” 7. “Come here by my bedside, My dearest wife and children And my other loved ones. Be my last and final comforts In this world.” 8. “Oh I know you have your own lives to live And your own busy schedules to attend to But please Stay with me for the little time that I have left For I promise you I won’t keep you very long.” *****
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y With Only Limited Success (On A Family Trip To Maine) (To The Family) 4-20-2002 Disappointment over a family trip to Maine. _____ 1. I had hoped our Spring Break trip to Maine Would bind us closer as a family. In some ways it did But due to all the little squabbles we had In other ways it didn’t. 2. Every time that tensions flared It hurt me For this wasn’t the way That I had planned for things to go. 3. I tried my best To head off or mitigate these squabbles And get things back on track But I’m sorry to say All my efforts were met With only limited success. *****
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y What Will We Salvage? (On The Family) 4-20-2002 Hoping we’ll remember the good parts of our Spring Break trip to Maine, rather than the squabbles we had. _____ 1. We took a trip with the kids to Maine Without their friends For it was to be a family bonding trip – At least That’s what I had intended. 2. But as it turned out It was something less than that. Because of all the little fights that had erupted Over little sensitivities All of which Had my head and heart pounding With stress and disappointment. 3. Perhaps in time We’ll remember only the good times And not the bad.
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4. Perhaps in time The shadows that were cast On and over that trip Will fade away And all that we’ll remember of it Will be the most important and relevant part: That we were all together As a family On a little family trip to Maine. 5. That’s what I hope We’ll salvage out of it. *****
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y One Reason Why I Write 4-28-2002 My writings might be my proxy. _____ 1. I write For the love of it. But also for another reason − A much more personal one. 2. I write So that if I fail to demonstrate How much I loved my family Or fail to make them understand me While I was alive That my writings might succeed Where I myself could not in person − That my writings will be my proxy In absentia After I am gone. 3. This is one Of the many reasons I write. *****
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y An Acre Is All That I Can Handle (On Mom And I) (2 am) 5-12-2002 We work so hard taking care of the grounds around our home. (Although written in the first person, I’m speaking for Mom too.) _____ 1. All day and into the evening I’m working on the lawn and woods Where the weeds keep coming, The grass keeps growing, And the leaves keep falling. It never ends. 2. I’m almost 60 now And tire much more easily. While it’s only an acre plus It seems at times That even that’s too much for me. It didn’t used to be that way. It seems the grounds are getting larger And the work heavier With each passing year.
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3. I’m almost 60 now And feeling every year of it And worried That this modest piece of land of ours Might be getting too much for me. 4. “Maybe it’s just today”, I tell myself. “Maybe it’s just today that I’m feeling so tired And tomorrow I’ll feel better.” 5. But the real crux of the matter May be my age − For I’m almost 60 now And 61 Is close behind. *****
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y Happy Memorial Day, Dad (To Mom, Leandra And Kerry) 5-25-2002 Memorial Day has become just another holiday. _____ 1. Memorial Day Is the day we set aside To honor, Remember, And reflect upon Those who have died In the service of our country. But sadly It’s become just another “holiday.” 2. Is it any big thing That we don’t observe this day For its intended purpose? Perhaps not − But perhaps so. 3. I’m a Veteran myself And gave the Navy 10 years of my life Most of which was during the Vietnam War.
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4. Having served And having seen men die in service It would mean a lot to me If my wife and children Didn’t forget sometimes To wish me A Happy Memorial Day. 5. It’s like saying, “Happy Birthday” On one’s birthday − A little thing that means a lot. 6. I don’t expect or demand it And understand That it doesn’t have the same meaning For them As it does for me And it’s inadvertent When they do forget. 7. But on the other hand When they don’t forget And do wish me A “Happy Memorial Day, Dad.” I feel: proud of my service, Love for my country, And extra love for them. *****
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y You Made Me A Father * (On Father’s Day) (To My Family) 6-11-2002 Father’s Day is only possible because of my wife and children. _____ 1. While Father’s Day Is supposed to be a tribute to me I must pay tribute to you, Mom, Kerry and Leandra. For if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t be a father And there wouldn’t be Any Father’s Day at all for me. 2. You, my dearest wife and children Bestowed on me the honorary title of Father. So if it weren’t for you all I’d be titleless And just a mere and lowly commoner. But because of you I have a title And am royalty.
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3. Mom, you are my loyal And my dearest, faithful, giving, and loving wife. And Leandra, you are my dearest daughter Who always plans ahead Prides herself in being independent And maturely faces all her challenges. And Kerry, you are my dearest son Who is smart, witty and always upbeat And who possesses many of the talents that I wish I had. 4. So I turn the tribute of this day Back to you my loving family For you’re the ones Who made it possible for me To be a father in the first place And to have a Father’s Day at all. *****
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y In My Living Room And Kitchen Too (To My Family) 7-16-2002 Many nationalities are represented on both sides of our family. _____ 1. My side of the family Is represented by: The Irish and Norwegian, The Dutch and German And the Spanish and Italian. Also represented somewhere down the line I believe Are the French and English too. 2. And Mom’s side of the family Is represented by: The Filipino and Spanish And I think the Chinese too. 3. Not only do I have these nations Represented in my living room − Better yet − I have them represented In my kitchen too! *****
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y I Must Leave Them Be * (To My Family) 8-3-2002 My ghost having to make a choice. _____ 1. Even though I’m dead I miss you and come visit you Whenever I can. Although you can’t see me I think you can sense it’s me. And although I can’t interact with you directly I can influence you invisibly As magnets do. 2. My spirit Is not yet comfortable with death And the thought of losing life And all my loved ones. 3. So here I am Fighting against my new and unadjusted-to fate By always trying To get as close to you as I possibly can.
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4. I follow you around And whisper in your ear, “It’s me. It’s me.” But you can’t hear me clearly And you strain to either confirm or dismiss What you might have thought you heard. Disoriented, confused and unsettled even more You begin to cry. 5. Then I touch you on the shoulder And you touch it back in confused response. And when I stand in front of you And look into your lovely face and eyes. I can see your discomfort In feeling that someone’s staring at you. 6. I’m no longer the flesh and blood I was But just a ghostly, weightless and anemic presence Of my former self As thin as air Neither here nor there. We’re mysteries to each other now In different But adjacent worlds.
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7. I don’t know how long it will take for me To adjust to my new world For I was never very good with change. 8. So here I am Half-in and half-out Of my new and former worlds And wanting the best of both. 9. Ultimately though, I convince myself That I can’t continue to be So cowardly and selfish By trying to hold onto my former life And unwilling to face and accept my new life For it’s all at the expense and distress Of you, the ones I love And in doing so I’m selfishly taking you hostage And just adding to your grief. 10. So, for your peace of mind I have to leave you be. I have to leave you to your own lives. For love of you I must move on.
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11. While it’s the saddest and hardest thing I’ve ever had to do It’s something that I have to do. I have to let you go. I have to leave you be. I have to accept this strange new life of mine And just get used to it And leave the old one behind − For your sake And I guess for mine as well. *****
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Photographs − A Thing Forever * (To My Family) 10-25-2002 Photographs only take a second to take but last forever. _____ 1. A game of catch with Kerry. A dance with Leandra at a wedding. A dinner with the family on the deck. A trip to the beach together. A cup of coffee on the porch with Mom. Or just a simple family gathering. 2. All of Life’s little events and memories Are captured in the photographs I take. 3. Each photograph Is history in the making. 4. Each photograph is: One second in a day. One pixel in a picture. One tile in a giant mosaic. One byte of memory in a database. One note of music in a symphony.
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5. Each photograph Is a little piece of history, A part of something larger, A part of life and family And a thing forever. *****
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y A Family Tradition (On My Family) 10-31-2002 We’ve taught the kids some manners which thankfully took. _____ 1. We always kiss “Good morning” And we always kiss “Good night.” We always kiss “Hello.” And we always kiss “Goodbye.” And we pretty much always treat each other In a polite and mannerly way. 2. Over time These things have become good habits And what we expect of each other. 3. It’s manners. It’s respect. It’s love. It’s now the standard in our family And a family tradition. *****
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y Our Grounds (On The Family) 11-5-2002 Wanting to have fond memories of our beautiful grounds. _____ 1. To a large degree we bought our house For the grounds around it, For the river and its shore line, Its beautiful, old and stately trees, Its open lawn and flower beds, Its flat and complementary sloping lawns, Its New England stone walls, Its prehistoric rocks and boulders, And its park-like section of thick woods. 2. Its overall terrain Was unique and captivating to us For every place we went Had a wonderfully different kind of Look and feel to it.
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3. We’ve worked on these grounds for 12 plus years To make them more useable and beautiful But never really had or took the time To really enjoy them Which ironically Was the very reason we bought the property. 4. But this year and the next We’re planning to work extra hard To bring these grounds up to their full potential So hopefully We and the kids can use them more than we have And build some family memories That we can keep forever: A family picnic lunch, A walk along the river, A stroll in the woods, Or whatever. 5. We’ve got to use our beautiful grounds More than we have so far. We’ve got to create some lasting memories Of these lovely grounds of ours And our use of them As individuals And as a family *****
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y Just To Keep This Job (To My Family) 11-6-2002 Enduring a long commute and long office hours to keep my job. _____ 1. Vi called me in the office: “Hi, Dad, I see you’re still at work.” “Yeh, unfortunately”, I said. “Do you think that you’ll be working late?”, she inquired. “Yeh, probably, Vi”, I regretted to admit. Sensing a sigh in her voice, she said, “OK, Hon, then I guess I’ll see you when you get home.” 2. I felt so bad about it And guilty too For having to sacrifice So much of my life And my wife and children’s company Just to keep this job. 3. Life’s not easy Or fair But I guess it could be worse. *****
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Is That The Time They’ll Get To Know Me? * (To My Family) 11-7-2002 Will I best be known only from the things I leave behind? _____ 1. When they hear the music That I’ve collected and composed − Is that the time They’ll come to know me? 2. When they read my writings, My letters, essays, poems and journals − Is that the time They’ll see my soul? Is that the time They’ll really get to know me? 3. When they look through all the photo albums, Watch the family videos, And see all the other things that I’ve collected That comprised my life and our lives together − Is that the time They’ll understand my heart? Is that the time They’ll know me best?
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4. Because I’m somewhat Of a sensitive and private person It’s hard for people – Even for those who are closest to me – To know me all that well. 5. But when I pass away And they go through all my things Is that the time They’ll really get to know me? 6. When I pass away And they look behind the curtain That I’ve sometimes been behind, Or look down into the murky water In which I’ve often been submerged, Or squint into the fog and mist That have curiously surrounded me − Is that the time They’ll get to know me? Is that the time They’ll come to know me best And who I really am? *****
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y As Rich As I * (To Vi And The Children) 11-18-2002 Taking stock and appreciation for what I have. _____ 1. To see the lovely moonlight On the floor. 2. To hear a bird Chirping on the deck. 3. To feel the heat Slowly overtaking The winter coldness of the room. 4. To contemplate The quiet of the morn. 5. To know I have a wife As wonderful as mine.
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6. To see my children Sleeping in their beds. 7. Never should I Feel sorry for myself For any of my problems For I know there aren’t many people Who are as lucky Or as rich as I. *****
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y Pained With Guilt * (To My Wife And Children) 11-19-2002 Feeling bad about having to work so late. _____ 1. I’m pained with guilt For coming home so late again from work Knowing that my wife and kids Have been there all alone. 2. I’m usually one of the first ones in the office And one of the last ones to leave And have, by far, the longest commute. So why do I have to work as long as I do? Well, to a large degree It’s because I’m sometimes slow and inefficient And in order to keep my job I have to make up for it With extra time and work Which I’ve had to do Most of my life.
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3. I feel doubly bad about my situation One For having to work so much more than others And two For not being home with my family As much as I’d like. 4. When I dwell on my situation And combine it with my melancholy nature I sometimes almost feel like crying Just to give myself a little relief. 5. Here, take my heart And hit it on the ground − For it hurts that much sometimes. *****
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Another Night − Another Broken Promise (To My Wife And Children) 10-7-2003 An early start and a promise I couldn’t keep. _____ 1. I promised myself today That I’d be out of the office At a decent hour And be able to see my wife and kids Before they went to bed. 2. So I got up extra early − In the black of night − And caught the 4:30 am train to Manhattan Just to “guarantee” That I’d be able to keep my promise. 3. But now here I am again Only half way through my long commute On the 8:10 pm evening train Out of Grand Central Station Knowing I won’t be home until 9 or 10 pm − Depending on the trains.
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4. Another wish that didn’t come true – Another plan that failed – Another broken promise to myself. 5. So here I am Only half way through my 3 hour commute home Thinking about the promise I couldn’t keep Despite the efforts of that extra early start. 6. Since I’m the only one Who’s in the office so early And out so late It makes me wonder, “What’s wrong with me?” 7. Another night − And another broken promise to myself. *****
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y Will There Be Sufficient Time For Me? (To My Family) 10-20-2003 I’m 61 years old now with so much left to do. _____ 1. Will I have sufficient time To do all I want to do Before I pass away? − For all my projects to get done So that I can feel That I’ve accomplished something And have left at least Some personal mark in life? 2. Will I have sufficient time To publish the book I’ve drafted About how to create a personal inheritance And another Containing a collection of my favorite proverbs And another On my favorite lines of Shakespeare?
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3. Will I have sufficient time To edit and record the music I’ve composed, To edit and publish some of my poetry, To improve my piano and guitar and write some more music, And to digitize and organize my photo albums and home movies So I can leave all these things In reasonably good order To my wife and children As a personal and family inheritance? 4. Will I have sufficient time To read all the books I want to read, To travel a bit with Mom, To see my children secure in their lives, And to finally relax Which is something That I’ve never been able to do? 5. Will there be sufficient time for me To accomplish all these things That I so much want to do For both myself and the family? *****
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y Ghosts In This Old House? 12-29-2003 I sometimes hear strange sounds. _____ 1. It happens now and again When this old 1894 house of ours is empty And I’m home alone and reading In the quiet of the night. 2. I hear a thud Like someone dropping something? Then I hear something moving across the floor Like someone walking? Sometimes it’s loud And sometimes it’s soft − But it’s always scary.
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3. Sometimes I take out a kitchen knife – Just in case − And search the house: The basement first The 1st floor next Then the 2nd Then the 3rd And finally the attic. Nothing there − Nothing that I could see. 4. I resume my reading. But then I hear more noises Footsteps? Like someone walking up the stairs? My heart begins to race. Then the noises stop. 5. Then I hear some other noises − Noises that sound like hangers Scraping along The metal clothes rack in the closet? Is someone who is dead Still living in the house? Perhaps a previous owner?
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6. For the first time I open myself to the possibility That there just may be such things as ghosts − Something I would never let myself believe before. I used to scoff at anyone Who said that they believed in ghosts − But I don’t anymore. 7. Is some one Or some thing Living here with me? 8. I’ve never had this kind of eerie feeling − This kind of awareness of a presence − Until now. I’ve never had this kind of fear before Until now. 9. On the many occasions That my family was out I was confident That I was home alone. But now I’m not so sure. *****
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It’s The Best That I Can Do (In This Here Compromising World) 4-4-2004 Wanting to do my work yet be with the family too. _____ 1. There is so much that I have to learn And so much that I have to do With so little time to do it in. 2. I’m working on my projects Almost every chance I get And with so much work to do It could easily take up all my free time. 3. But I also want to spend some time With the family. So for me It’s a real dilemma.
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4. So what do I do? I split the difference In that rather than retire to another room To do my work in complete privacy I do a lot of it in the kitchen with the family Right there with me − Me doing my thing And they doing theirs – But doing them together. 5. They watch their TV And I do my work (Sometimes with my ear plugs in). 6. Although it’s not the perfect solution For what in life Is there ever a perfect solution? It’s rather a compromise solution And the compromising best that I can do In this here imperfect And compromising world of ours. *****
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Sharper Than A Serpent’s Tooth * (On Vi And The Kids) 5-14-2004 A depressing dream about my children possibly abandoning me in my old age. _____ 1. A painful and frightening shudder came over me When I dreamed a dream that I was old and all alone And my dearest Vi was dead − Dead before I had the time to take her to all the places That I promised myself I would − Dead before I had the chance to pay her back For all the love she’s given me − Dead before I’ve had the chance To spend my final years with her. 2. And what was worse in my dream Was that my children − By callousness, mal-intent or just plain youthful immaturity And despite all the support I gave them In their dependent years − Just chose to leave me To handle my elderly and dependent years All by myself.
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3. I couldn’t believe that in my dream My children hadn’t enough love, gratitude or respect for me To help me through the last and weakest years of my life When I needed them most But rather Were just content to let me go Unescorted to the door Where Death was waiting on the other side. 4. I couldn’t believe that in my dream My own children Would give me up to Death so easily − With hardly a tear, fight or a whispered word of love. 5. I was so very hurt in my dream Not to see my children at my bedside − Not to hear them thank me for my love and support − But most of all Not to hear them say, “Good bye, Dad, We love you and we’ll miss you.”
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6. This was not the way That I envisioned things would be. And when I think about What my dream might portend A shutter washes over me As I recall Those ominous And heartbreaking words of Shakespeare: ~ “How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is To have a thankless child.” * ~ * From Shakespeare’s play, King Lear 7. So please, my children Don’t abandon me But rather be there for me in my elderly years When I’ll need you the most Just as I was there for you In your earlier years When you needed me the most.
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8. Please let the last things that I see Be your faces smiling down at me; And the last thing that I feel Be your hands holding mine; And the last thing that I hear Be your voices saying to me, “Goodbye, Dad We love you and we’ll miss you.” 9. So please dear children Let me see you by my bedside And feel you holding my hand So I will know that I was loved and appreciated. 10. And please dear children Let me hear those soft and precious words of yours Telling me as I slip away That you love, and will miss me dearly. Let me take those sweet words of yours With me when I go Rather than those tragic words of Shakespeare Ringing in my ears And breaking my heart, ~ “How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is To have a thankless child.” ~ *****
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y Getting Ready For Being Left Behind (On Vi And The Family) 9-1-2004 The fear of being left alone. _____ 1. Leandra’s away at college now And Kerry’s soon to follow. And after that They both may move away from home. And after that, God forbid, Mom may die on me before her time Just like my Mom died early on my Dad And just like him I’ll be alone. 2. So, should I be getting myself ready now − Psychologically and emotionally − For the time that I may find myself alone? 3. Even if I do prepare myself And I think I’m ready When the time actually comes I know I won’t be ready − Not really ready – For no one’s ever really ready. *****
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y Here Burns The Candle Out * (To My Family) 1-25-2005 Hoping I’ve set at least a decent example. (The title is from a line in Shakespeare’s play, “Henry VI Part 3.”) _____ 1. I hope I’ve been A good husband and father to my family And set a decent example So that when they look down at me On my death bed They may feel these words of Shakespeare Might in some way apply to me: ~ “Here burns the candle out, and here it dies; But while it lasted, it gave you light.” 2. But if that’s not the case Then I hope that all the personal works I leave them Will represent a second chance for me − A second candle − That will be deserving of those words: ~ “Here burns the candle out, and here it dies; But while it lasted, it gave you light.” *****
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y I Hope You Understand (To My Family) 2-13-2005 A hope for my writings. _____ 1. I write about my family all the time − About Mom, Leandra, Kerry and myself – In my poems and journals But I never know how anything I write Will be taken by its readers Because everything in life Is subject to so much interpretation And misinterpretation. 2. So please trust me when I say That whatever I wrote about myself and you Was only out of self-expression, Emotional relief, And love for you − And with only my best intentions At heart.
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3. There’s always the risk of hurt or misinterpretation In everything we say and do in life. But out of love and family I chose to write and take that risk In the hope you’ll interpret everything Correctly, generously and or forgivingly. But in the event you don’t I hope you’ll at least appreciate My trying. *****
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y Waiting For You On The Other Side * (To My Family) 3-6-2005 Waiting a second time for our family to come together. _____ 1. My dearest wife, son and daughter I’ve always had an image of you in my mind – An image of us as family − Long before we ever met. 2. Although I didn’t know where you all were I’ve always had each of you In my plans, hopes and dreams. 3. So starting with a yearning hope in my heart Followed by a long, determined and patient wait I finally found you all. 4. And so will it be after I’ve passed away Where I’ll be waiting for you all again In that other life Just as patient and committed As I was in this life. *****
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We Are Family − First And Foremost (To My Family) 3-17-2005 A prodigal son, or daughter, story for any family. (The Prodigal Son is a parable of Jesus in the one of the Canonical gospels of the New Testament according to Luke.) _____ 1. Let him come back into the family. Accept him openly. Let him know that all is forgiven And that all our differences have been put aside. Let him know that the past is the past. 2. On the one hand We know it’s not quite right To ignore all his past offences But on the other hand He’s family And therefore It’s the only right And proper thing to do.
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3. Make him feel he’s wanted. Make him feel he’s loved. Don’t let him think That anything is any different For we owe that to him Just as much As we owe it to ourselves For we are family. 4. And when we take him in We must embrace him fully − All of him By all of us − With no hesitation, reservation Or questions asked. 5. No matter what had happened in the past Or what differences remain We must accept him back For we are family First and foremost. *****
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y I Want My Family With Me When I Pass Away (To My Family) 3-26-2005 A dying man’s request that I identify with. _____ 1. When I pass away I’d like my family to be there To have a final cry with me. 2. As I leave this world I’d like to have their prayers and blessings To take along with me. 3. Before I go I’d like to see their faces And to hear them say good-bye to me. 4. I’d also like to say good-bye to them And give them all my love To hold on to When I’m gone.
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5. And as I slip away I’d like to touch their faces And hold their soft young hands Just one last time For I want to take the memories Of each one of their hearts and faces Along with me So I won’t be so lonely Wherever I go. 6. Is my request Out of selfishness, love or fear? No doubt It’s a mixture of all And something that I hope My family will honor As my last request. *****
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What’s Set Is Set (On Me And My Family) 5-21-2005 We are formed by our genes and our environment. _____ 1. “I sometimes hesitate to hold my wife and children As I’d like to. I sometimes hesitate to show my feelings openly And leave my heart exposed.” This is what I hear myself saying to myself. 2. Have I been hurt that much Sometime, someway, somewhere in my past? Has my life and my upbringing Been so repressed or hard That I can never freely open up − Sometimes even to the ones I love? 3. Will my loved ones See past my apparent outward coldness And through to the love I have for them That’s deep inside of me And that’s sometimes Just too shy and frightened to show itself And so unused to attention?
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4. Will they also have the perception To see how much I love them By all the things I do for them And be open and loving enough to recognize That actions speak louder than words? 5. These are the questions That I wrestle with And for which There are no perfect answers. 6. Oh how I wish That I could somehow change things And be the warm and fuzzy person That everyone cuddles up to. But sadly Everything you see outwardly about me Has either been programmed in my genes Or branded on my hide by Life And what’s set is set. 7. But having said that All I hope and pray for Is that my wife and kids And all my other loved ones Will have the insight To look beyond my outward settings And a little deeper into me. ***** 73
y Am I A Bully? (To My Family) 8-23-2005 Wondering about the possible effect on my family. _____ 1. Do I sometimes act like a bully To my wife and kids? And if I do Does it stem from my upbringing? My personality? My temperament? Whatever is the cause, reason or perception It’s not the way I want it to be And certainly doesn’t originate From anything in my heart. 2. I sometimes let my bad days get to me Which then spill over onto those around me And for which transgressions I not only reprimand myself the minute they occur But I also start the clock For a life-time of regret.
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3. God, I hope that one day – Somehow – Someway – They’ll understand That beyond and despite the fact That I may have acted like a bully at times It wasn’t my intent. 4. I also hope they’ll understand as well That there’s no deeper love Than what I have for my wife and kids Or any deeper or harder feeling of regret or punishment Than what I put upon myself For any and all of my frustrations and mistakes That might inadvertently Spill over onto them. *****
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I’ll Never Acquiesce (For The Family And Me) 9-11-2005 My job and personal works take precedence over my rest. _____ 1. The weight of all my music and writing projects Sometimes leaves me exhausted and with little time for rest. And the pressure of knowing there’s so much more to do And so little time to do it in Wears me down, body, mind and soul. 2. And add to that All the worries I have About the problems that my boy and girl Are dealing with right now And about Mom’s health issues It becomes a little overwhelming at times. 3. And add to that All the time and effort In the upkeep of our house and grounds.
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4. And add to that The draining effort at my age Of my long commute and office hours In trying to keep my job and our finances intact. 5. But despite it all And the strain it puts on me I’ll continue on with my music and my writing As it’s an important part of what I want to leave As my little mark in life And personal inheritance to my family. 6. So despite it all I’ll never acquiesce. *****
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y Angry Cloudbursts (To My Family) 12-3-2005 Hoping my occasional anger doesn’t overshadow things. _____ 1. I sometimes Explode in anger Like a cloudburst. 2. And like a cloudburst It doesn’t last for long And is over in a minute or two After which I’m calm And back to normal again. 3. I hope that Mom and the kids See right through it all And recognize it for what it is − Just a simple cloudburst – Just a bit of bad weather − And little more than that. *****
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What’s For Love And What’s For Duty? * (On My Family) 12-20-2005 Always worrying about doing the right thing for my family. _____ 1. Am I a bit of a “brute” at home − Sometimes yelling and maybe even bullying My wife and kids? But is it really bullying Or just a form of leadership? What’s the proper term for it And where’s the line between the two? 2. Am I hard to live with? Do I control too much? Do I let my own frustrations Spill over onto them? I worry over all these open questions. 3. Do they get scared? Hurt? Mad? Resentful? Or do they understand and forgive? Or am I too critical of myself And over thinking things again. More unanswered questions And more worries.
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4. Should I just let things go? Relax the reins? Abandon all principles and discipline? And if I did Would I be trading order in the house Just to win a better opinion of myself? The questions go on and on And the worries follow. 5. I always torture over: What’s for love And what’s for duty? – And if there’s really any difference? *****
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y I Live For New Beginnings * (On Me And My Family) 2-28-2006 Failures are chances for new beginnings. _____ 1. There is a compensating benefit To my frequent failures And constant disappointments In that they create A steady flow of hopes And new beginnings. 2. I live for new beginnings: A new closeness to Kerry and Leandra; A renewed appreciation of Mom; An even deeper love For my brother, sisters and family And a new acceptance of myself. 3. Every cloud Has a silver lining And every dark and scary night Portends of a brighter day to come.
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4. I live in a sea of little hopes And constant new beginnings Each one of which Is a shiny little wavelet On the surface of the water − A little mirror Glistening in the sun − Each one A sparkling jewel worth reaching for. ~ I live for new beginnings. *****
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y I Am The Family Dreamkeeper 6-13-2006 My writings about the family might be likened to the American Indian “Dreamkeepers” who pass on their tribal history through story-telling. _____ 1. I am the Dreamkeeper in our family − The keeper of our family history. 2. I have the stories in my journals, The emotions in my poems, The faces in my photo albums, The voices on my audio tapes, And the actions in my family movies. 3. I also have other forms of family history − In my collections And all the memorabilia That I save. 4. I am the Dreamkeeper Of the family. *****
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I’m Not Speaking (On Mom And Leandra) 10-29-2006 A hurting heart over separate arguments with Mom and Leandra. _____ 1. I’m feeling so bad About the recent argument I had With both Mom and Leandra That I’m not speaking to them And just want to be alone and by myself. In fact, I feel so bad That I feel like running away. 2. Small things often grow into big things − Big enough sometimes To eat you up alive From the inside out Or even swallow you whole. Is it my fate to always hurt like this? *****
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y For Which Should I Prepare Myself? * (On My Family) 11-15-2008 Remembering all the sounds in the house. _____ 1. When I’m home alone I still hear All the sounds of the house As if everyone were still there. 2. I can hear: Mom, rustling in the kitchen, Kerry, thundering down the stairs, And Leandra, greeting me with, “Hi, Dadio!” 3. All these precious family sounds Are embedded in my heart and memory And will stay with me forever. And when everybody’s out And I’m home alone They resurface And fill up all the empty rooms again Like spirits come alive.
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4. And what will all these memories Do for me When Mom and the kids May be gone for good And I’m home alone? 5. Would I be better off With their memories? Or without them? Will they give me solace? Or just accentuate the pain of missing them? Will they comfort me Or torture me? 6. This is my dilemma: Which of these Two counter-posing scenarios Will fall on me? And which one Should I prepare myself for? *****
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My Christmas And New Year’s Wish (To My Wife, Son And Daughter) 12-25-2008 Wishes for my family and me. _____ 1. Mom I love you for your loyalty and support And your tolerance of me and my pursuits. So for you I wish you peace of mind and love. 2. Leandra I love you for your gentleness And for your independent courage In facing all your challenges. So for you I wish you all the luck and success That you deserve. 3. And Kerry I love you for your wit and animation And for your spirit and your sense of humor Which I hope will never die. So for you I wish you all the happiness and peace of mind That life could bring to you.
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4. And as for me All I really wish for Is that my music and my writings And all the other things I leave Will serve as my little mark in life And be an appreciated gift To the family that I love. *****
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y Retirement * (On The Other Hand) (To My Family) 2-18-2011 Some early observations about retirement. _____ 1. On the one hand Retirement means: Not having to get up so early and dress in the dark; Not having to wear suits and ties anymore; Not having to commute 5 ½ hours a day; Not getting up at 4:30 to be on the 5:18 train; Not getting home at 9:30 at night; Watching my children go off to work instead of me; Having my day more under my control than of others; And, after noticing a crack in the wall Being able to say to myself with confidence, “I’m gonna take care of that today.” 2. But on the other hand Retirement also means: Feeling a little old and unproductive; Being less challenged without the demands of a job; No longer having a boss And conversely no longer being a boss; And not being able to tell the difference Between a Sunday and a Monday.
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3. And retirement also means Talking and complaining about: All my aches and pains; How difficult it is to get up after sitting a while; Not being able to remember what I was just about to say; Seeing more in my rear view mirror than on the road ahead; And of course, seeing the whole world getting younger. 4. But on the other, other hand Retirement also means: Looking back at some of what I’ve accomplished; Feeling good for having provided financial security for the family; And having the time and means to do some of the things That Vi and I had planned to do Which includes Enjoying our lovely home and grounds And taking some trips here and there. 5. Retirement also means: Growing old with the one you love And having your children stand by you In your old age. 6. Finally retirement means: It’s a new platform in this next phase of my life Which makes it kind of exciting But also − Since it’s the last phase of my life − Kind of scary too. ***** 90
y My Picture-Perfect World * (To My Family) 7-21-2011 Retiring on a different kind of pension. _____ 1. I’ve got a gallery of pictures Displayed all around the house − Pictures of my family and I At all the special events that we’ve celebrated, The vacations that we’ve taken, And the family gatherings that we’ve either hosted Or attended over the years. 2. All these pictures represent for me All the pleasant memories in my life. And in looking over them I think that I’ve accumulated enough of them To have created A picture-perfect world of memories for myself And enough to be able to comfortably retire From Life itself.
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3. Now that I have my picture-perfect world I don’t need or want the real world any more For the real world is filled with all too many Unpleasant surprises and painful disappointments Compared to my picture-perfect world Where everything is pleasantly locked in time forever And nothing can ever change for the worse. 4. So why should I chance the real world anymore With all its friction and unpredictability? Why should I gamble when I don’t have to Especially knowing that the odds Are always stacked in favor of the house? Why should I play the market and risk a loss When I know I have enough already? 5. I’ve lived enough of my life In the real and imperfect world So isn’t it about time To enjoy my picture-perfect world? 6. At this stage in my life I should consider my home as my gallery – My gallery of family pictures – And meander through it admiring them As if they were precious works of art − Which to me they are.
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7. I’ve “invested” in my family pictures All throughout my life And built up a nice little nest egg of them And all the memories behind them Which should take me comfortably Through the rest of my life. So why should I risk making any new memories That might turn out bad And jeopardize the good ones That I already have? 8. With my pictures all lined up for me I feel safe and secure enough To thumb my nose at Life And say, “Sayonara” to the world − And why not? For that’s what I’ve worked so hard for all my life: For that soft and welcomed landing back to Earth After that scary ride in space; For that smooth drive down that newly-paved highway After bouncing around so long on that pot-holed road; For that gold watch you get at retirement After putting in so many years on the job; For that comfortable armchair That you can sit in and read a book and sip a glass of wine After years of riding crowded commuter trains And scoffing down lunch at your desk.
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9. With my nest egg of pictures Representing All the pleasant things I care to remember I feel I’m finally in a position To stick my tongue out at Life Instead of it always being The other way around. 10. I’ve paid my dues, Finished my long commutes, Provided for my family, And built up a good pension of memories In all the family pictures that I’ve taken. 11. So at this juncture in my life I can comfortably retire from Life In my picture-perfect world. *****
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y Preface When Vi goes home to the Philippines, I often accompany her. The following are 3 stories about 3 of those visits. _____
y Be Careful What You Ask For (Verse-Story I) (On My Family In The Philippines) 11-5-2011 A simple and naïve request that had deadly consequences. _____ 1. One time When I visited the Philippines And stayed at Tatay and Nanay’s * farm I got sick and developed a fever. * Father and mother, in Filipino 2. As I was lying in bed one afternoon Feeling horrible And unable to eat much of anything Nanay came into my room And asked me if I’d like to have A little chicken soup. 95
3. “A little chicken soup?”, I thought to myself “That’s what I need − a little chicken soup!” So I replied to her, “Yes, Nanay, that would be great.” 4. So as I’m lying there Thinking about that nice bowl of chicken soup That she was going to prepare for me I heard a commotion outside my window, “Squawk, squawk, squawk” Followed by an eerie silence. 5. You have to be careful what you ask for On a farm. *****
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y Roast Beef (Verse-Story II) (On My Family In The Philippines) 11-8-2011 An innocent answer with a not so innocent outcome. _____ 1. When I went to the Philippines one time To visit the family on their farm They wanted to celebrate my visit With an outdoor barbeque And asked me if I liked roast beef. Without a moment’s hesitation I said, “Yes, I love roast beef.” 2. Later that day When we were driving out Of the narrow, muddy, pot-holed driveway I saw a motorized tricycle approaching. And as we slowed so we could pass it safely I spotted a little baby calf in it Upside down with its legs tied up with rope. “No”, I said to myself, “That can’t be the roast beef for tonight, could it?” But it was.
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3. And as our vehicles got abreast of each other That baby calf and I made eye contact And stayed locked onto each other Until we couldn’t turn our heads any further. It’s pathetic and helpless big brown eyes Silently pleaded to me And I responded with equally painful silence Telling it Telepathically How sorry I was. 4. To this day I can still see those big brown eyes Of that little upside-down baby calf On its way to having its throat cut And all because of me − All because I said I loved roast beef. *****
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y I Worry About The Guards (Verse-Story III) (On My Family In The Philippines) 11-10-2011 Security but maybe not. _____ 1. Whenever I visited the Philippines Vi’s father would often hire armed guards − Sometimes up to 4 in number − To protect me From possible robbery, kidnapping or even murder. 2. Being a foreigner I was not only a tempting target in this poor country But also a very vulnerable one In that Vi’s father’s farm Was in a very remote rural area Where police protection And their case-solving expertise Was limited at best And therefore Not a real deterrent To any would-be criminal.
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3. During the day He always had those body guards around me Whether I was walking in the fields on the farm Or the malls in the city. And whenever we went to a local restaurant For an occasional lunch or dinner The guards would strategically take their places At the same or an adjacent table close to me. 4. And during the night When I slept Tatay had three lines of defense set up. 5. The first line of defense Were the dogs Who formed a distant perimeter Around the farmhouse And whose job it was Was to raise the first alarm Should anyone begin to approach.
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6. The second line of defense Were the guards Who were stationed On the porch of the main house As well as In the bamboo shack next to it. They were all well-armed With machine guns, shot guns, and automatic pistols. They stayed up all night On guard duty − That is If they didn’t fall asleep From the beer and whiskey They sometimes drank. 7. The third line of defense Was Vi’s father himself Who was also armed And who stayed in the room Right next to mine. 8. At one point during one of my visits Tatay − Proud of all the protection he was providing me − Said to me With a confident smile, “I hope you feel safe With all these guards around you?”
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9. Not meaning to be Unappreciative in any way I answered straight and honest − And maybe too “American” − When I responded to him by saying, “Yes, I do feel safer, thank you But you know, Tatay I worry about the guards.” *****
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y Our Queen Anne Chair 1-13-2012 The Queen Anne chair in our music room. _____ 1. Vi bought a beautiful and expensive Queen Anne chair And tastefully placed it in the music room. And whenever I sit in it − With its traditional high back and elegant design − I feel so comfortable and relaxed And put into the perfect mood For writing, reading, editing or whatever. 2. It’s not like any common or regular chair. It's rather a refined and sophisticated one − An inviting one − A chair with pedigree and sophistication − A chair with style and personality − A chair that has culture and class − A chair that graces the room with its presence − And a chair that gives me a sense of history and tradition. 3. It’s a regal chair Fit for royalty and the rich Which makes me feel, by association, Privileged and fortunate to have one.
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4. It’s a chair that fits me like a glove Conforming perfectly to my body’s shape. Also with its high back and wings It’s a chair that almost embraces me. It’s a chair that fits me Both physically and psychologically Giving me a combined sense Of comfort, security and class. 5. Am I making too much of a chair? − Making it into something more than it is? Am I bestowing it with some kind of a persona For after all It’s only a chair? − Or is it? 6. Am I making too much of a big thing Out of this little chair? Maybe so But sometimes little things Can be big things In meaning and effect Like this Queen Anne chair of ours Is for me. *****
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Post Script The Queen Anne style of chair is an “easy” or “club” chair, attributed to Queen Anne of Britain in the period around the 1700s also known as the late Baroque period. It has a high back, cabriole legs and side “wings” running the length of its back which were originally meant to enclose the head and torso areas so as to provide comfort, protection from drafts, as well as capture the heat from the nearby fireplace. *****
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y All My Job Searches 2-11-2012 Inspired by the movie, “The Company Men”, that was about men losing their jobs which reminded me of my many jobs losses. _____ 1. After 17 years with Peat Marwick And 6 years as a partner with them I remember losing my job In the firm and business I loved. 2. When you lose your job You feel Like an elevator has dropped out from under you Putting you into a helpless free fall. You feel as though All the air’s been sucked out of you Making it hard for you to even breathe. You also feel As though you’ve been abandoned And left with a very empty hurting inside your heart. 3. I remember inviting Vi to dinner To tell her that I lost my job And her looking across the table at me Wondering why we were having a restaurant dinner On a week night for no apparent reason.
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4. I remember how ashamed I was And how I had to practice clumsy face-saving lines That I could tell her About why I lost my manhood. 5. I also remember the other jobs I lost after that one Some of which involved Long periods of time out of work Before finding another. 6. I remember many nights Tossing in bed or pacing the floor Afraid that my pounding heart Would wake up the house. I remember trying to keep my panic a secret And to prevent my fear and depression From making me Just want to drop out of life. 7. I remember buying our house in Connecticut That put us deeply in debt And then losing my job, again, right after that. I also remember not having the money to hire anyone And having to work 7 1/2 years On that old dilapidated 1894 house Often until 11 pm at night After a full day of looking for work And all day and night on Saturdays and Sundays.
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8. With all my job loses I remember being so worried For my wife and children As to what this might all mean For them and their financial security 9. I remember writing so many job search letters Asking for a half an hour of some executive’s time To have a brief “exchange of ideas.” I also remember mailing out so many thank you letters To people who had been kind enough to see me. 10. I remember calling executives I knew And cold-calling those I didn’t know Inviting them to Business breakfasts and lunches That I really couldn’t afford Just for the opportunity To tell them what I was looking for, To “seek their advice”, And to ask for a referral or two.” 11. I remember the humiliating waits In those dark-wood executive waiting rooms Or those green, white and brown marble lobbies Making nervous eye-contact with the receptionist While waiting to be interviewed by people half my age.
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12. I remember trying to decide if it was better for me To show a brave, strong and self-assured face And gain their confidence Or show a weak and desperate face And possibly gain their sympathy. 13. I also remember updating my contact lists Which over time Grew to over 7 inches thick. 14. I remember turning down the heat in the house And wearing sweaters to save on our heating bills. 15. I remember watching my financial reserves Dwindle down to the point Where I felt that we might have to sell the house Which see-saw process went on and off For almost 5 years. 16. I remember hearing people glibly say, “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. Don’t worry, you’ll find a job in no time.” − Easy for them to say − Secure and financially well-fed But hard for me to hear − Hungry as a bear and scared as a rabbit.
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17. I remember going to family gatherings And having to suffer the embarrassment Of everyone knowing that I − The elder of the family − The one most educated – The invincible executive − Had lost his job And my feeling a little envious of them Knowing that they were all fairly secure In their government and blue collar jobs And steadily working towards a comfortable pension. 18. I remember having to go through 6 job searches during my career And now at age 68 I’m going through a humiliating 7th. 19. And now This current job search I’m on Is a cruel reminder Of all the other job searches That I’d gone through Making me question why it is That I can’t seem to settle Into something permanent Like “all the others.” And why is it “always me” Who’s being run out of town?
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20. So here I am On this bucking bronco again With only hope and determination Keeping me in the saddle. 21. So here I am at this late stage in my life Hoping that out of all the many jobs I’ve had In the past And the one that I’m looking for Now I’ll be able to have saved enough to retire on So as to at least be able to say, “All’s well that ends well.” *****
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y A Fatal Attraction (To My Family) 2-25-2012 A prayer for my family that we don’t have any rift. _____ 1. See that tree? Make sure you don’t hit it! 2. Strangely By concentrating too much On the very thing that you don’t want to hit When you’re driving Often just increases your chances That you will. 3. By focusing on the very thing That you’re trying most to avoid Often creates a kind of fatal attraction That draws you right to it. 4. The biggest thing in my life That I want to avoid happening to my family Is having it polarized by some rift Similar to what happened to my father’s family.
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5. And because it’s the very thing That I want to avoid happening the most I fear that it may be the very thing That I might be inadvertently drawn into. 6. So God If you see me steering toward my fatal attraction Please grab the wheel and veer me away From becoming a victim Of my own worst fear. 7. Oh God Don’t make my family a victim Just because I’ve been a victim. Don’t make what happened To my father’s side of the family Happen to mine Just because it’s the very thing That I want to avoid the most. Please spare me from That dreaded fatal attraction. *****
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y The History That Surrounds Our House 4-2-2012 The 100 + years of history before and after our house was built. _____ 1. Our house was built in 1894 Which is the epicenter of so many historical events That occurred within a 100 year or so radius of time Before and after its construction Which makes it special for us. 2. Our house was built Only 111 years after the end of the Revolutionary War; And 105 years after George Washington was President; 91 years after Napoleon sold Louisiana to finance his wars And the same year that Spain ceded Florida to America; 82 years after America declared war on England Which started the War of 1812 where Washington was burned down; 46 years after Texas became part of the US after the wars with Mexico, and the same year that the California Gold Rush began; Our house was built 29 years after the end of the Civil War And the year President Lincoln was assassinated; 27 years after America bought Alaska from Russia; 18 years after Custer was killed during the Indian Wars; 16 years after Thomas Edison invented the light bulb; And only 12 years after Jesse James was killed.
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3. Our house was also built In the year Grover Cleveland was President; And only 2 years after it was built, the Alaska Gold Rush began; 4 years after being built, the Spanish American War began; 7 years after, President McKinley was assassinated; 9 years after, was the first flight of the Wright brothers And also the year that the Brooklyn Bridge was built; 12 years after it was built, the San Francisco Earth Quake occurred; And only 20 years after, World War I began; 37 years after, the Great Depression began; 51 years after, Germany and Japan surrendered in World War II; 65 years after, Alaska and Hawaii became states; 69 years after, President Kennedy was assassinated; 75 years after, Neil Armstrong walked on the moon; And 97 years after it was built, we bought it as its 4th owner. 4. It’s amazing how through our house We can see how much history surrounds it And how much more relevant it is to us. We can also see how young our country is In that so much of its history occurred A mere 100 years or so Before and after it was built And that we can now more fully identify with. 5. It’s a special house to us for many reasons And the history surrounding it Is one of them. *****
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y My House, The Bride 4-7-2012 Admiring our house and grounds after its renovation. _____ 1. Look at her − Our beautiful bride − Our home and grounds. Look at her on that pedestal we put her on Through so much love and renovation. 2. Look at her graceful beauty And how elegant she stands In the warm Spring air Surrounded by a lush and manicured lawn And bouquets of colorful flowers at her feet. 3. Oh to look at our bride And see her this way Makes us believe That she’ll forever be As beautiful as she is now.
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4. But out of the corner of our eyes We see a patch of weeds near her And a chip in her paint Signaling to us The disappointing reality That her beauty is only a onetime beauty − A wedding day beauty − A honeymoon beauty − That will not last And that from this day forward Will require the daily hard-work battle of maintenance To try and keep whatever of her beauty we can As it slowly and inevitably wanes with age. 5. The bride’s dress is yellowing as we speak, The flowers around her are beginning to wilt, And the lawn and beds That were once pristine and clean of weeds Are struggling to survive. 6. The day after the wedding Is when the battle begins − The battle to keep her bridal image As best we can.
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7. Though it’s a losing and discouraging battle − Trying to keep her youth − It’s a battle that has its own surprising rewards For through diligence And the hard work of daily upkeep An opposing beauty emerges − The beauty of a graceful aging That will always keep her As a lovely bride. *****
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y Our Mini-Estate 8-12-2012 We made our house into our little castle. _____ 1. When I’m inside the house I often look out the window And admire our manicured lawn and gardens And gaze into our living, dining and music rooms And relish its warm turn-of-the-century look. 2. And when I’m outside I often look at the house from a distance And admire its architecture, stonework and decor And feel proud of what we’ve done. 3. And another thing I like about our home Is that every place you stand on the property Has a different and pleasant look to it Which is one of the main reasons we bought it.
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4. We’ve spent so much time and money over the years Fixing up and maintaining our home and grounds And now that we’re retired We can finally enjoy it − Enjoy what we sometimes like to call Our mini-estate. 5. Just looking at the house and grounds − Both from the inside and the outside − Is for us Like looking at a beautiful painting Or work of art That we can look at, admire and enjoy Any time we like − And so often do. *****
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y I Love To Walk Around The House 7-27-2013 Finally getting to enjoy our home. _____ 1. I love to walk around the house And admire all the work we’ve done And how nicely it all turned out. 2. What’s especially nice Is the 1st floor And its dining, living and music rooms And of course its foyer All of which have that turn-of-the-century Classic look. 3. These rooms best represent The essence and the charm of the house Which we can fully enjoy During our retirement years. *****
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y Our House Is Like A Beautiful Painting 7-29-2013 The priceless enjoyment of our home. (I’ve written about our house a number of times before.) _____ 1. As I turn the car into the driveway I can’t help stopping at the head of the driveway Just so I can look at the house for a minute − At its color, shape, size and decor. 2. And after working on the lawn or woods And I’m walking towards the house I can’t help stopping a while To admire the house from a distance. 3. And when I’m doing my editing On the kitchen couch I often stand up and look out the widow And admire the landscaping, rock formations and stonework Or look into the living and music rooms And admire their traditional turn-of-the-century decor.
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4. Our home is like a beautiful painting That I like to stop and look at From time to time And just soak it all in. 5. All that time and money that we spent Fixing up our home − While very costly − Now has its rewards In the satisfaction we get From just admiring it − And you can’t put a price on that. *****
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y Look Through All My Things (To My Family) 1-11-2014 I’ll still be with my family through all the things I’ll leave them. _____ 1. When I die Look through all the things I’ve left behind − Through all my closets, drawers and cabinets And all my papers, files, notes and journals. 2. Look at the books I’ve read, Read the poetry I’ve written, And the book I’ve drafted. 3. Listen to the music I’ve collected And the music that I’ve written. 4. Look at all the paintings around the house Including the ones that I’ve painted myself. 5. Look through all the family photo albums And home movies That I’ve religiously maintained.
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6. Look at my prized piano And my guitars. 7. Look at the knickknacks on the shelves And the way we’ve decorated the house And landscaped the grounds. 8. Look through all the little booklets I’ve prepared About all our family sailing and camping trips And the vacations we took. 9. Look at my collections Of proverbs, quotes, humor and cartoons. 10. Look at all the financial structures that I’ve put in place To provide for our family’s financial security. 11. Look through all the things I’ve left behind And you will see the forensics of who I was And how much I loved you all individually And as a family. 12. And looking through all these things I’ve left for you You will also see That I’m still with you. *****
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