Poems of Neil Michelsen Volume Fourteen

f Poems To, For, or About

Kerry and Leandra Michelsen by Neil Michelsen

Written between 1998 and 2014

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f Dedication To my dearest children as son and daughter and brother and sister

2015

Leandra and Kerry Michelsen

1990

2004

2006

Brother and Sister

1995

1993

2006

f Preface The poems in this volume are to, for or about Kerry and Leandra between their ages from 9 to 28. I wrote out of love for, and pride in them, as our son and daughter as well as for my own emotional expression. I also wrote as a way of documenting part of their personal histories as brother and sister and our family history which I hope will help bond them and keep them close to each other during their lives. While written from my perspective, I think I speak for Mom as well.

I apologize if any offense is taken with anything I’ve written as that was not my intent. Also, since these poems were not professionally edited, I apologize for any deficiencies in poetic form or for any grammatical, typographical or spelling errors.

The poems in this volume go up through 2014 with any later ones in subsequent volumes. The poems herein are presented in the chronological order in which they were written. Also, those which I considered to be the better ones based on their poetic value, subject matter or personal meaning to me, are indicated with an asterisk.

An index of all my poems, including those herein, is presented in a separate Master Index volume.

It is my hope that these poems, along with my other personal works (i.e. my journals, books and other writings; music compositions; family movies and photo albums; paintings; and various collections and memorabilia) will serve as my legacy and mark in life as well as a personal inheritance to Kerry and Leandra in particular and to the family in general.

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Title Preface Always Planting For A Future Harvest * They’re Slowly Taking My Place I’ll Leave It Up To You I Love My Boy And Girl – Equally * Someday I’ll Get It Back Again For You A Place Familiar A Perfect Ending * Did I Make It Harder For You? Sometimes I Wish I Never Knew * Trying To Write A Poem For You * A Prayer To Our Son And Daughter * A Message Or A Prayer? * I Love You Too, Dad * Have I Only Broken Even? * In Their Brown And Gold Picture Frames * Ghosts, Riding On Their Bikes * My Camera If I Get The Slightest Hint Someday You’ll Hear Me Playing My Little Christmas Coffee Cup * We Are Family Now * The Sacrifices Of Being A Parent Instead Of A Pal They’ll Never Change * A Favorite Picture Of My Kids * I’m Getting Too Old To Yell Anymore I Hope They’ll Get Along Without Me When I’m Gone She’s My Sweetheart And He’s My Guy I Bought A Book In Maine A Boy And His Dad At Lunch They Don’t Remember Much About The House Counter Propaganda Our Children’s Manners An Epistle For My Children’s Hearts * A Long Communion Prayer * Taking Down The Swings * She’s Like Mom And He’s Like Me They Are Home − And I’m Not

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Between Her And Him − Between 9 And 10 pm * For The Gift Of Music Family Will They Ever Say “I Love You, Dad”? * Thinking Ahead * Who Will Ever Care For Me? They Don’t Give Me Their Kisses I Save Everything For Them * A Good Start But A Bad Ending Guilty As Accused If Not Now Then Perhaps In The Future Stay Close To Them − Or Let Them Go? I’ll Be With You All My Life – And All My Death As Well So Many Times I’ve Looked At Your Picture * Lost In Translation * I Must Prepare Myself I Love Them Equally All For Them Their Unknown Gift To Us I Hope I’ve Set A Good Example When You Adopt A Child * It’s Not My Place To Throw Them Out * They’re Slowly Forgetting I’m Just Too Old To Fight Much Anymore Was It All My Fault?

Did I Over-Do It? When Time And Circumstances Favorably Meet Switch From The Push To The Pull Have I Helped Them Or Hurt Them?

My Expressions Quoted By The Kids Don’t Make Me Feel I’ve Been A Failure As A Father The Fated Hitchhiker The Kids Are Safe At Work No Food For Me Tonight Hi Dad * That’s All We Ask “We Love You Too, Dad” * A Touching Thanksgiving Surprise * Most favored based on their poetic value, subject matter or personal meaning to me.

*****

72 74 75 77 79 81 83 84 86 88 90 92 94 95 97 100 102 104 106 108 110 113 115 118 120 122 124 126 128 129 131 133 135 137 141 144 146 149

Poems of Neil Michelsen

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y Always Planting For A Future Harvest * (To My Children) 4-2-1998 Hoping they’ll follow the guidance we’ve tried to give them. _____ 1.

We’ve tried to teach our children What’s right and wrong − What’s good and bad − And what’s polite and what’s not.

2.

We’ve planted little seeds in them For a future harvest Relying on the sun and rain To do the rest.

3.

We’ve put little compasses In the pockets of their jackets To help them find their way.

4.

And we’ve rubbed scents under their noses So they would know The scent they need to follow When that’s all they have to go on.

1

5.

So all we can do now Is hope they’ll check their pockets, Follow their noses, And pray for rain. *****

2

y

They’re Slowly Taking My Place (On My Children) 1-30-2000 One generation replacing the other. _____ 1.

I’m slower than I used to be And at times a little forgetful.

While my aging’s not so noticeable to me It is to the kids And they watch for its symptoms In all my little mistakes And take note of every one I make.

2.

And when they catch me making one They smile behind their palms − Sometimes discretely And sometimes not so discretely.

They’re often unaware that I can see it And what’s more That I can feel it.

3.

My children are moving me aside little by little.

And even though they don’t exactly know they’re doing it They’re preparing to take my place.

3

4.

I used to be so far ahead of them But now they’re right here next to me And soon they’ll be ahead of me As I fall back and begin to slowly disappear.

And while all this is going on They’ll hardly think a thing about it − Until their turn comes.

5.

Right now my vision’s blurry For I’m peering through my tears − The tears that come with age and change.

But I know I have to get a grip And reconcile myself to the undeniable fact That I can’t keep my place forever And that one day I’ll step aside And on another day I’ll actually disappear.

6.

So mentally I’m preparing myself For our inevitable and natural transitions.

And since they’re both good children I want to have as smooth a transition as possible For them and me As they slowing take my place. *****

4

y

I’ll Leave It Up To You (To My Wife And Children) 9-23-2000 The value of my work may be in the hands of my children. _____ 1.

I speak But often not too many value what I say.

I write But few will take the time to read what I write.

I compose But not so many care for my kind of music.

I guess it’s just not my time or luck.

2.

It seems most likely therefore That in my life My works may well remain persistently anonymous And that any accolades they may ever earn May depend upon who I leave them to And what they decide to make or do with them.

3.

So, I’ll leave it up to you − the ones I leave them to − To pick up where I left off and maybe try – if you care to try – To market them yourselves.

Any future market value Will therefore lie with you, time, and luck Separate or together.

5

4.

So someday If you all decide to favor any of my works And you succeed All I ask Is that you pay a visit to my grave And let me know.

5.

And if all three of you are still debating About what you might do with them All I ask in that regard Is that you just keep me posted As to how the talks are going.

6.

But if in the end Nothing happens with them That will be OK, I guess For at a minimum All I ever really hoped for Was that they’d have some personal value To the ones I love and leave them to.

7.

But god forbid If that doesn’t even happen And not even you, my loved ones, find any value in my work Please keep that to yourself For that’ll be Just too much for me to handle. *****

6

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I Love My Boy And Girl – Equally * To Leandra And Kerry 10-6-2000 While my children are each different I love them equally. _____ 1.

Am I closer to my boy?

Or closer to my girl?

Neither.

2.

I love my boy, as my boy And my girl, as my girl Equally.

3.

I love them as my son And, as my daughter.

4.

I love them as brother And as sister To each other.

5.

I love them for themselves And as themselves.

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6.

I have no preference For one above the other And that’s the honest truth.

7.

I love them for their likenesses And For their differences.

8.

I love them for what they are As well as For what they’re not.

9.

I love them each alone − Separate − And together.

10.

But no matter How many different ways I love them Rest assured I love them equally. *****

8

y

Someday I’ll Get It Back Again For You (To Kerry And Leandra) 10-7-2000 When I had a corporate membership at the Indian Harbor Yacht Club the kids loved its desert buffet. _____ 1.

The best thing that you liked About my being a member of the Yacht Club Was the great desert buffet bar they had Where you served yourselves Every kind of ice cream To your heart’s content.

2.

Ice cream, sprinkles, syrup − Whatever you wanted And however much you wanted − With no waiter to go through Or shyness to have to reckon with.

It was a child’s − And a parent’s − Shared delight.

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3.

Oh that wonderful desert bar – How much you loved it and all its treasures.

And every time you told me How much you loved it I believed you For I could literally See it all over your faces.

4.

Though I’m not as financially well off As I was before I hope that someday things will change And maybe I’ll be able to rejoin that club And see those ice cream smiles All over your faces once again. *****

10

y A Place Familiar (To My Children) 2-25-2001 Trying to give the kids some religious roots in case they need it later on in life. _____ 1.

I accompany Mom and the kids to church Not because I’m so much a practicing believer But rather to introduce the kids to church and God. 2.

I’m trying to create a place That will be familiar to them − A place where they could go for spiritual comfort Should they ever want or need to.

3.

I’m trying to provide for them A kind of safe house or oasis That they could go to when they need support Beyond themselves and beyond us And rather from a Higher Being. *****

11

y A Perfect Ending * (On My Children) 3-7-2001 Watching my children sleeping overwhelmed me with love. _____ 1.

On my way to bed I passed by my children’s rooms.

All was silent within.

2.

I heard them breathing Slowly in and out.

I heard their beating hearts And smelled their children-scents As animals do with their young.

3.

A special calm and peace came over me As my heart filled up with love of them.

I felt as though I were lifted up And looking down on them From somewhere high above.

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4.

And as I looked at them − With all the love I had inside of me At its highest and proudest peak − I felt that if I were to die At this very moment It would be the perfect time and ending To my life. *****

13

y Did I Make It Harder For You? (To Kerry And Leandra) 5-27-2001 The hard choice of being a parent rather than a pal. _____ 1.

Did I make it harder for you?

Harder on your life?

Harder than it should have been?

If I did, I’m sorry.

2.

But understand, my dearest son and daughter That it was all because I chose to be your parent Rather than your pal And all With the best intentions.

3.

And if it’s any consolation to you It was just as hard on me − And maybe even harder − Than it was on you. *****

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y Sometimes I Wish I Never Knew * (On Leandra And Kerry) 7-26-2001 After discovering excesses on the internet, I felt I had to monitor the kids’ activities with computer monitoring software which makes me feel guilty and gives me great anxiety and stress. _____ 1.

It’s hard − This thing I have to do − To monitor my children’s computers So I can know Just what they’re getting into.

2.

They tell me That they don’t do this And they don’t do that − But I know better.

3.

Feeling bad And kind of sneaky and guilty too About what I have to do I have to reassure myself everyday That it’s for their own good.

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4.

If they discover what I’m doing I hope they’ll understand − At least someday.

5.

And if they don’t understand What might help them understand Would be for them To listen to my pounding heart And feel the heavy weight I have on it.

6.

Oh this thing I have to do Is not something That I enjoy But rather something That I have to do For their own good − It’s not for me It’s for them.

7.

Oh this thing I have to do Takes so much out of me.

And what I sometimes find I wish I never found. *****

16

y Trying To Write A Poem For You * (To My Dearest Son And Daughter) 8-20-2001 The nightly writing process I sometimes go through. _____ 1.

Here I am, up late at night, struggling − Struggling to write a poem for you − For you, my dearest son and daughter.

What can I write about?

What is it that I want to say?

2.

I’m in and out of bed Sometimes as many as 5 or 6 times Between 2 and 4 am With insomniac thoughts that come and go like fireflies − That light, then dim, then disappear − First here, then there, then nowhere With nothing coming together.

3.

If I start to tire And feel like giving up and going back to sleep My restless thoughts shake me on the shoulder And get me up again Demanding that I press on And berate me if I don’t.

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4.

I tip-toe slowly down the stairs Trying to be as quiet as I can And not make the wooden stairs creak too much So as not to awaken anyone in the house.

“Maybe I’ll find some inspiration In one of the rooms downstairs”, I tell myself.

5.

Then it comes to me − A little spurt of inspiration.

And with it I begin to write and write Fast and furious.

6.

What I write though Is all a jumble But at least it’s something And it’s down on paper And enough for me to work on later tonight Or maybe tomorrow.

7.

If you listen In the quiet of the night You’ll often hear me walking through the house Trying to scare up or ferret out some inspiration Or to corral whatever thoughts and emotions Are rioting in my head That hopefully will become A little poem for you.

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8.

And if you listen hard You’ll hear me working on my lines.

And if you listen really hard You’ll also hear my heart Saying a prayer For both your safety and your love Which perhaps may be the best poem That I could ever write for you. *****

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y A Prayer To Our Son And Daughter * (To My Children) 8-23-2001 An open offer to our son and daughter. _____ 1.

When things are heavy in your hearts And life is all consuming and confusing Just remember that we’re always there for you.

2.

You can talk to us any time you like And we’ll always listen − Listen with open minds and hearts And with all the love we have for you As our dearest son and daughter.

3.

Every day we say a prayer for you − A prayer for both your welfare and your happiness.

4.

Our open minds and hearts And our love and daily prayers for you Are the things on which you can depend For we’re your loving parents Always and forever. *****

20

y A Message Or A Prayer? * (To Leandra And Kerry) 8-31-2001 A father’s telepathic messages to and for his children. _____ 1.

I lie in bed One floor above your rooms And only 20 feet or so away.

2.

I close my eyes and concentrate On the both of you And craft my thoughts Into little wireless messages Aimed at reaching you Telepathically.

3.

My messages are simple And simply say: That I love you, son and daughter And only ask of you That in your life You be good and try your best Which will be more than enough To make us proud of you.

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4.

So as I concentrate I’m hoping that my messages Will somehow Get through to you tonight.

But if they don’t Just consider them as open prayers for you From your loving Dad. *****

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y I Love You Too, Dad * (To My Children) 9-10-2001 What I long to hear my children say to me. _____ 1.

Just before you go to sleep I talk to each of you As you lay in your beds.

2.

And when I finish my little talk I kiss you on the cheek Or forehead And say, “I love you.”

3.

Then I hesitate a bit Hoping to hear you say, “I love you too, Dad” − But it doesn’t come.

While those words May be inside of you They don’t come out.

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4.

You can’t imagine, yet How much a father’s heart would fill If only he were to hear those simple little words From the children who he loves so much, “I love you too, Dad.” *****

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y Have I Only Broken Even? * (To My Children) 10-8-2001 Always worrying about my relationship with my children. _____ 1.

In the early hours After everyone has gone to bed And all the lights are out I sit in my room Taking stock of how I fared today With my children: “Did today bring me closer to them?

Or did it take me further away?

Or, did I wind up In the same position that I started from?”

“Am I up or am I down?

Or have I only broken even?”

2.

With a glass of wine, A moving pencil, And a tired mind − I wonder, worry and I write: “Am I up or am I down?

Or have I only broken even?” *****

25

y In Their Brown And Gold Picture Frames * (To My Children) 10-16-2001 My family pictures comfort me as I walk the house at night. _____ 1.

As I walk around the house I’m never alone For my children’s pictures are everywhere In their little brown and gold picture frames All at different ages And in different settings.

2.

Each night they wait for me To make my rounds.

And as I enter each and every room Their eyes follow me devotedly.

3.

I silently say “hello” to them And they reply in kind Acknowledging my presence And thanking me for my visit.

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4.

They are my guideposts in the night And my cherished comforts That are always there To keep me company.

5.

They are perfect in almost every way Representing the static best Of times, events and moods That we have shared together.

6.

They never age or change in any way.

They are always smiling, Well-behaved, And respectful all the time.

7.

They’ll never move away and leave me alone And will always be there for me Whenever I need them − Always waiting for me In their little brown and gold picture frames.

8.

Because of them My heart’s content And I never feel alone.

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9.

Although my little world of pictures is almost perfect It’s not completely perfect For I know that the subjects in these pictures Have all in fact changed.

10.

And although I know That they have changed in reality I take comfort in the fact That the children in these pictures That I visit every night Will never change And will always be there for me Forever fixed in demeanor, time and place In their little brown and gold picture frames. *****

28

y Ghosts, Riding On Their Bikes * (Looking Ahead) (To Kerry And Leandra) 11-5-2001 Thinking ahead to when the kids will be grown and maybe moved away. _____ 1.

As they lift their legs Up and over and onto their bikes.

I marvel at their half-grown bodies All balanced, smooth, and young And at their smiling faces Intense with concentration.

2.

I see their happy eyes And hear their cheerful voices.

I watch them turn in circles And do their figure eights.

3.

My children were so beautiful to watch When they were young.

But now, I can only watch them With my keen and sentimental memory and imagination For they’ve both grown up And moved away.

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4.

With my children gone Their bikes now lean Empty-seated in the garage Up against the wall.

5.

So what I’m seeing now Are their ghosts Who have returned to visit me.

And when I listen hard I can hear their childish laughter − That is, the laughter of their ghosts.

6.

Sadly I know That they’ll never be back To ride their bikes again.

So I bring them back in my heart − By force of will And from missing them − To ride them once again for me. *****

30

y My Camera (On My Children) 12-11-2001 I’m criticized for taking pictures but hope I’ll be thanked later. _____ 1.

Almost everywhere we go I take my little camera.

I discretely stick it in my bag Or in my pocket Trying not to be too obvious about it With the kids.

2.

But when they spot it they cringe Knowing that I’ll probably at some point Be taking a shot of them Somewhere, somehow, sometime.

“So embarrassing”, they say.

“So uncool”, they complain.

3.

I have to bear their rolling eyes and sighs And listen to their objections, “How come you’re always taking pictures, Dad, Even when there’s no occasion?!”

I also have to work around their reticence And sometimes their outright uncooperativeness.

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4.

I do, what I feel I have to do And bear what I have to bear Knowing That what I do Is for the life and love of them and the family And trusting That when they’re older They’ll thank me for my foresight And respect me for my firm persistence In taking my little camera Everywhere. *****

32

y If I Get The Slightest Hint (To Leandra And Kerry) 12-17-2001 I act on things that might be good for my children. _____ 1.

My job is to expose my children To the good things in life.

So I’m constantly on the look-out For anything That will advance, stimulate, or educate them Or better them in any way.

2.

There’s just so much bad stuff out there For them to get snagged on And for me to compete against So that if I get Even the slightest hint of interest from them About something I feel would be good for them I move on it immediately In the hope that they’ll embrace it.

3.

However, I must be careful Not to be too obvious So as to spook them And frighten them away.

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4.

And if my record of success With this approach Is only 1 in 10 I’ll be satisfied As it’s better having some success Than none at all So long as it’s good for them. *****

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y

Someday You’ll Hear Me Playing (To My Children) 2-16-2002 Hoping my children will remember me through my music. _____ 1.

When you hear the piano And look around towards it You won’t see anybody there For I died some time ago, remember?

2.

I don’t think You ever really listened to me playing While I was alive Did you?

There were just so many other things That you had to do: Phone calls to make, TV shows to watch, Papers to read, Homework to do, And CDs to listen to.

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3.

And sometimes when I played You often closed the kitchen door Which was like hanging out A “Do Not Disturb” sign.

4.

But that’s OK For I understand That we all have our own lives to live And our own preferences in music And my kind of music was not your kind − At least not then.

5.

But that being said While I was playing for myself I was also playing for you For I knew That although your conscious mind May not have been listening Your subconscious mind was And with my music always in the background Coming through that closed door I’m hoping you absorbed At least some of it.

6.

So when you hear the piano again Look around and squint your eyes And you might see My faint and ghostly figure sitting there.

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7.

Even though I’m dead I’m still alive and with you Playing my music in the music room.

8.

And when you hear me playing My only hope is that maybe this time You won't close the kitchen door on me But rather listen for a while And understand That while I’m playing for me I’m also playing for you Just like before. *****

37

y My Little Christmas Coffee Cup * (On My Children) (Atlantic City, NJ) 2-20-2002 Remembering that the little Christmas gift my children gave me. _____ 1.

When the kids were 5 and 7 They bought me a coffee cup for Christmas That had a snowman and a Christmas tree on it.

It meant a lot to me, that little cup And I used it every day For breakfast, lunch and supper.

2.

While working almost eight long years Renovating our house It got chipped and cracked Here and there and everywhere But I repaired it each and every time The best I could.

3.

I cherished that little Christmas coffee cup of mine As though it were a priceless heirloom.

But one day it fell and broke to pieces And when it did Something broke inside of me too.

38

4.

I missed that little Christmas coffee cup That my children had given me And more than I ever thought I would.

5.

Then this Christmas At ages 13 and 15 They bought me a replacement cup Which had a sailboat on it!

I was back in business And having come from my children It meant a lot to me too Just like the original one. *****

39

y We Are Family Now * (To Kerry And Leandra) 3-24-2002 Reflections on our family coming together. _____ 1.

Sometimes I think about How it was before we all came together As a family.

Kerry might never have found a home.

And Leandra, who was sick and weak, might well have died.

And as for Mom and I If it weren’t for Kerry and Leandra We might have drifted childless all our lives Without ever being able to give All the love we had inside of us And were holding for them.

2.

We all took each other in All as equals − All needing one another − All loving one another − And all as family.

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3.

We are family now Committed to each other − Committed to protect and reinforce each other − One for all and all for one And each one of us making an equal contribution.

We are family now Always and forever. *****

41

y The Sacrifices Of Being A Parent Instead Of A Pal (To Leandra And Kerry) 3-25-2002 Having to make the hard calls as a parent. _____ 1.

What shall I be to my children?

Shall I be a parent or a pal?

Where should I be on this question?

By being a parent: Do I risk not being liked at times?

Do I risk some alienation?

Do I risk even being “hated” sometimes?

2.

The answers are unquestionably, “Yes” For no matter how hard it might be I must be ready to risk their hard opinions of me If it means the outcome Will be best for them Rather than best or easiest for me.

42

3.

The only comfort I have to draw on therefore Is the hope that someday They will know and appreciate The sacrifices Mom and I Sometimes had to make − Including bearing all their disapprovals and disquiets When we had to make the hard calls And do what we had to do − When we had to be their parents Rather than their pals. *****

43

y

They’ll Never Change * (On Kerry And Leandra) 3-28-2002 One of my favorite pictures is of Kerry and Leandra at Christmas. _____ 1.

There is a picture of my children At Christmas time When they were about 2 and 4.

Leandra had the softest smile And Kerry was beaming.

Their smiles were so absolutely Innocent and beautiful.

2.

The picture’s on our dresser − Where the mirror is − And every night I look at it Just before I go to bed.

3.

And as I look at it I almost tear-up for love of them − Unable to imagine Any deeper love.

44

4.

No matter how they’ve grown and changed In fact They’ll never change on me − Both inside that picture frame And inside my heart And where they’ll always remain for me Special and unchangeable − Always and forever. *****

45

y A Favorite Picture Of My Kids * (To My Children) 4-1-2002 Another poem about that Christmas picture of Kerry and Leandra. _____ 1.

I have a special photograph That’s framed and sitting on our bedroom dresser.

It’s a picture of the kids at Christmas time Taken against the background Of a fireplace and a Christmas tree When they were 2 and 4 years old.

2.

This photograph is my the remedy For all the troubles I had that day And the hopeful candle that I light at night For a better day tomorrow.

3.

Each night before I go to bed I look at it And into their smiling faces And soft brown eyes And fill with love of them And the more I look The more I fill.

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4.

That special Christmas photograph Is one of my all-time favorite pictures Of my dearest children. *****

47

y

I’m Getting Too Old To Yell Anymore (On My Children) 4-1-2002 Mellowing with age. _____ 1.

Lately, when I’m about to burst with anger I find myself checking my emotions More than I had in the past.

2.

I realize now More than I could before What’s worth being mad about And what’s not.

3.

Now I try to look at things More philosophically And calm myself with logic and maturity.

4.

Perhaps more relevant though Is the fact that with my advancing age I’m just getting all too old to yell anymore And to get so exercised over everything. *****

48

y

I Hope They’ll Get Along Without Me When I’m Gone (To My Family) 4-13-2002 Too much dependency can be unhealthy. _____ 1.

I’ve seen it happen many times before Where someone who loves someone too much And then loses them Is often left crippled for life.

2.

A love too strong, too deep or too dependent Is sometimes not a good thing As it may have tragic consequences When it’s taken away.

3.

I’ve seen it happen first hand to my father Where the roots of love for my Mom Had grown so deep That when they were ripped away from him They caused damage That was far beyond repair.

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4.

And with respect to my situation I have some very mixed emotions on this subject: While I want my wife and children To have the deepest bond as possible with me I hope they’ll not become so dependent on me That they’ll be crippled when I go − As crippled as my Dad was When my Mom died on him.

5.

So when I die It is my sincere and hopeful wish That my wife and children Will have a balance In that they will have Loved me enough to miss me dearly And enough to carry my memory with them As source of strength Knowing how much I loved them But not as a heavy memory That might weigh them down. *****

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She’s My Sweetheart And He’s My Guy (On Leandra And Kerry) 4-22-2002 My nicknames for Leandra and Kerry. _____ 1.

I always call Leandra, my “Sweetheart.”

And Kerry, my “Guy.” 2.

I don’t know exactly How these nicknames came about But they have become, for me Their informal and endearing salutations.

3.

I often wonder if these names Have any special meaning To them As they do for me – Or if they give it Any thought at all. *****

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y I Bought A Book In Maine (On My Children) 5-9-2002 I’d be honored if my children did something similar for me. _____ 1.

I bought a book in Maine That was written by the children Of a father who had died And whose children wanted to honor him And his memory.

2.

After their father’s death His children found a shoebox In the back of his closet That contained a collection of quotes and sayings That he had saved over his lifetime.

3.

So to honor him They put one of his quotes or sayings On each page of a book they published Which they called, “A Father’s Book of Wisdom.”

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4.

I was very touched By the sentiment of love That these children had For their father.

5.

That sentiment resonated in me And made me wonder If one day my children Might think enough of me To take some of my works And do something similar For me. *****

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y A Boy And His Dad At Lunch (Quick Assessments) (With My Children) 5-19-2002 A quick assessment at a lunch with Kerry and Leandra at the “Mandarin Wok� in Cos Cob, Connecticut. _____ 1.

A man and a boy Sat at the restaurant table Hardly looking at each other.

2.

The man Mostly stared across the room And sometimes out the window.

And the boy Stared mostly at the table And sometimes at the floor.

Both were apprehensive And I could feel the tension Between the two And felt compassion For both of them.

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3.

I felt their energy As a psychic would.

Once the feeling’s on me I can see and feel things Fairly quickly and clearly About people and their situations.

4 I have this gift Or curse − This intuition − For identifying nationalities, personalities And the essences of people’s situations − Like this one.

5.

In one quick glance I can pretty much size things up − As a psychic would − With that little gift I seem to have For quick assessments.

6.

It’s been this way with me For most of my life And today was no exception.

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7.

In a glance or two And without being obvious: I tuned into their tension and their awkwardness − I read their body language − I caught a word or two of their conversation − And quickly figured out Pretty much what was going on: The man was divorced And today was visitation day with his son.

8.

I was confident That my assessment was correct Just as it’s been correct So many times before.

I knew it Because I could feel it. *****

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y

They Don’t Remember Much About The House (On Kerry And Leandra) 6-2-2002 The children don’t remember much about the 7 ½ year house renovation project we went through. _____ 1.

It was a monumental job I faced Gutting and rebuilding our 1894 Colonial/Victorian home.

With no steady job, little money in the bank, and a lot of debt I couldn’t afford to hire anyone to do the work.

So even though I’d never done this kind of work before I knew I had to do it myself Somehow Someway.

2.

For 7 ½ years I worked on the house.

3.

When I got home from work Or from looking for work I often worked until 11 pm And on the weekends Often put in 15 hour days.

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4.

Mom put up with all of it, Was always supportive, And helped out as much as she could.

5.

And as for the kids I had them help out here and there So that they’d become Part of this family project And remember their part in it.

6.

Years after it was completed Mom remembers all of it But the kids Don’t remember much of it at all.

7.

Although I understand That children’s memories can be short I still can’t help but feel just a little sad That all that work and effort That went into fixing up our home Might never be remembered by them.

8.

I’m confident however That they will appreciate What we did together as a family When they look through our family photo albums With older eyes. ***** 58

y Counter Propaganda (On My Children) 6-2-2002 Parents trying to compete with celebrities and commercialism. _____ 1.

The combined and goliath propaganda machine Of Hollywood, television, music and fashion Have mass-recruited our children − Or kidnapped them Depending how you look at it – And now requires us to fight hard to get them back Through a campaign of counter-propaganda.

2.

Our counter-propaganda efforts though Have only a struggling impact For we can hardly be heard Above the music they’re hooked on Nor wrest their attention Away from the TV That their eyes are glued to.

3.

It’s also hard for us to keep a budget For we can’t compete against The advertisements for the designer clothes That they’re so enamored with.

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4.

And since celebrities have become their heroes We can’t convince them about Who their real heroes should be.

5.

It’s so difficult for us to compete Against that mammoth propaganda machine And such monumental odds.

6.

And what resources do we have?

What do we have to throw against these colossal forces As we’re only two raw recruits Competing against an army of professionals − Competing for our dear children’s senses, hearts and minds?

7.

And while we only have minutes in our day to compete They, our titanic adversaries With their unlimited budgets Have all of their propaganda working for them All day and all night 24/7.

8.

Both our hard appeals and soft advice Can easily be overwhelmed For how can we stop an ocean wave?

9.

But as impossible as it may seem We keep on trying. ***** 60

y

Our Children’s Manners (On My Children) 6-26-2002 Our children are mannerly at ages almost 14 and 16. _____ 1.

They always give us A “Good morning” and a “Good night” kiss.

We’ve taught them that.

2.

Although they sometimes need some prodding They do their chores: Vacuuming and doing the laundry, Raking leaves and mopping the floors, Cleaning up their rooms, Making their beds and feeding the bird, And doing the supper dishes.

While they sometimes resist They’re generally quite compliant.

3.

While we’re very much aware That most kids − their friends − Don’t do nearly as much as ours We’re also aware That there are others who do.

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4.

They also ask permission for things, Check in with us when they’re out, Do their homework, Hold doors open for us and for others, And politely say, “Thank you” And “You’re welcome.”

5.

Kerry practices his piano, guitar and viola And Leandra, her piano and violin As well as does some typing for me.

And since they watch TV too much We make them read a little for some balance Which they don’t complain about – Too much anyway.

6.

Over time our training has paid off For we’ve been able to weave Some discipline and manners Into the fabric of their lives For which we’re both Gratified by our efforts And grateful to them For their cooperation. *****

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An Epistle For My Children’s Hearts * (To Leandra And Kerry) 7-30-2002 I pray that my children will be strong, free, and purposeful in life. _____ 1.

Oh, take my children’s hearts away And let them soar for love of something.

Let them be protected from Every pain and heartache, A meager and listless life, And a stagnant mind.

Let them find all the things in life That they can truly love.

And most of all Let them find themselves.

2.

I pray that they’ll develop Proud and noble souls That will enable them to face, With conviction and with peace of mind, Anything that may confront them And that they’ll have the strength and stamina in life To stand defiant in a raging wind And swim against a strong opposing current.

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3.

This is my prayer For my son and daughter − An epistle for my children − Who are the dearest treasures I have. *****

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y A Long Communion Prayer * (To Kerry And Leandra) 10-13-2002 Getting caught up in the symbolism of Communion when I pray for my kids. _____ 1.

I took Communion, Closed my eyes, And said a long communion prayer For my children.

2.

I prayed that they’d be able To walk bravely through the ranks Of all their enemies.

I also prayed that they’d be able To face down all their fears With a calm and steady heart.

3.

I prayed as well That they would never follow anyone Who’d lead them astray And would wax their ears To block out all the Siren songs That might divert them From a safe and proper course.

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4.

I also prayed That they’d develop Their own internal compasses To guide them safely out of any forest That they might find themselves in.

And finally I prayed That when the night descends on them They’d never fear the dark And what was in it.

5.

All these things I prayed For my children. *****

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y Taking Down The Swings * (To Leandra And Kerry) 10-18-2002 Time moves on, often with some sadness and nostalgia. _____ 1.

Last Sunday afternoon I took down the children’s swings.

2.

I remember the happy day I put them up When they were very young.

But now, with their removal A kind of sadness came over me As it marked the end of something – The end of their innocent childhood.

3.

I felt an emptiness inside of me − The emptiness for things lost and gone by − A sad and vacant feeling For two children Who had died on me last Sunday afternoon And who I buried next to each other Side by side − For two children Who had passed away When they became young adults.

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4.

Although it only took about 3 hours To take down the swings The grieving period For my dear departed children Will last a lifetime. *****

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She’s Like Mom And He’s Like Me (On Kerry And Leandra) 10-30-2002 Some personal observations on Kerry and Leandra. _____ 1.

Generally speaking Leandra does the things she’s asked to do With little prodding and usually does them Before she does things for herself.

She also does them with little fanfare And seeks no credit or attention − In these ways she’s a little like Mom. 2.

Kerry, on the other hand Sometimes needs some prodding And tends to do his own stuff first.

He’ll also like to get at least some recognition For what he’s done.

In these ways he’s a little like me.

3.

In many ways they’re different from us But in many ways they’re alike: She’s a little like Mom; And he’s a little like me. *****

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They Are Home − And I’m Not (To My Children) 11-20-2002 Worrying about not being home as much because of the job. _____ 1.

While my children are at home I’m so often not Because of the job.

2.

This thought is always heavy on my mind And even heavier on my heart.

3.

Is it a blessing?

Or a curse?

Will they be stronger and more independent for it?

Or weaker and even more dependent?

Would my being home more Create a better bond?

Or would it create More friction?

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4.

We may only know The answers to these questions When the full and final results are in Later on in their lives Or We may never know.

5.

While the love in me stays steady The missing and the worrying grow. *****

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Between Her And Him − Between 9 And 10 pm * (Visiting Rights) (To Leandra And Kerry) 11-24-2002 Feeling a guilty about having to be away from home. _____ 1.

When I get home from work It’s sometimes as late as 9 pm or so.

Leandra’s usually in bed already But usually not asleep yet.

And when I sit down on the edge of her bed She asks me to tell her a navy story − A story about my experiences and adventures in the navy Which bed-time stories I started some time ago And which she now waits up for Before she goes to sleep.

2.

When Kerry goes to bed It’s maybe about 10 pm.

And when I sit down on the edge of his bed We talk about his day and the things he’s done And how he’s getting along.

I also gladly answer All the many questions That he has for me And feel happy that he’s asking.

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3.

With all the hours that I have to work And my 5 ½ hour daily commute I sadly have so precious few to spend with them Which sometimes makes me feel Like a father With only visitation rights.

4.

This is the price I have to pay To keep my job And that not only keeps me late But keeps me guilty too. *****

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y For The Gift Of Music (To Kerry And Leandra) 12-2-2002 I hope my kids someday will return to their music.

(We once even had a family trio with Kerry on the viola; Leandra on the violin; and me on the piano.) _____ 1.

I wish I had more leadership talents To have gotten my children To appreciate and want to play music − And continue with it − But it just didn’t work out that way.

2.

Though I failed so far I continue to hope that someday I’ll succeed − That someday they’ll appreciate The gift of music that I tried to give them − That someday they’ll find The joy and satisfaction That I’ve found in it And return to it. *****

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y Family (To Leandra And Kerry) 3-14-2003 Thoughts about, and thankfulness for, our family And how each one contributed to the making of it. _____ 1.

The man who conceived you Was your biological father And the woman who gave birth to you Was your biological mother.

2.

However Your lifetime mother and father − And your parents − Are: The persons who loved and raised you; Who gave you all their time and care; Who worried over you every day and night; Who held you in their hearts for all their lives; Who loved you more and deeper than they even loved themselves; Who took the love they had inside of them and gave it all to you − And all For only love of you.

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3.

They are your lifetime father and mother.

They are your parents And you are their son and daughter Who mean everything to them Always and forever.

4.

And your reward?

The gift of having parents who love you And who you could love back.

5.

And their reward?

Just the richest reward of all for them − The privilege of loving you.

6.

And the reward for all of us? − The precious gift Of family. *****

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y

Will They Ever Say, “I Love You, Dad”? * (To Kerry And Leandra) 10-3-2003 I often hear children say “I love you” to their Dads. _____ 1.

One day I hope I’ll hear my children say to me, “I love you, Dad” Like I sometimes hear other children say To their fathers.

2.

Knowing that everybody shows their affections In different ways And sometimes not overtly I try to keep my expectations low But can’t help keeping My hopes high.

3.

And even though I say to them As I kiss them goodnight, “I love you, Leandra” And “I love you, Kerry.”

They still don’t respond and say: “I love you too, Dad” − At least not out loud.

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4.

Will I have to bear this subtle frustration All my life? − This longing to hear those words?

Is that my fate?

5.

I hope one day The urge of love will rise up in them To say those long-awaited words That will mean the world to me And validate my worth as a father.

6.

And even if it’s only on my dying bed That I’ll hear those words The wait would all be worth it − All be worth it if my children In my final moments of life Were to pick up my weak and wrinkled hand And put it in theirs And say to me, just before I pass away “We love you, Dad.” *****

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y Thinking Ahead * (To When The Kids Might Be Gone) (To Leandra And Kerry) 12-1-2003 Thinking how it might be when we’re old and alone. _____ .

1.

It’s nearing the end of dusk − Almost evening − And I’m sitting by the river Looking up at the house And the warm and yellow-lighted windows Of the kids’ rooms.

2.

I’m imagining years from now When Mom and I are in our elderly years And to a time when the kids might be gone And we’d be sitting here alone Just like I am now.

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3.

I’m imagining the time When we’d be looking up at the house And seeing all their windows black and empty Feeling old and alone And wondering where the kids are, How they’re doing, And when they might get around To calling us To see how we’re getting on. *****

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y Who Will Ever Care For Me? (On Kerry And Leandra) 6-14-2004 Thinking about a dark possibility I may face in my old age. _____ 1.

I’m getting older And more irrelevant To those around me And even more so to the world at large To whom I’m virtually anonymous.

2.

And in thinking about my aging I’m wondering with fear and hurting How my children might possibility view me In my old age.

3.

Will they see me as a burden, An inconvenience, A pained annoyance, A hindrance to their freedom, Or a delay to their inheritance And as a result Turn away from taking care of me.

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4.

And one day Might I even hear them say In their impatience with me − And as my heart breaks in half when I hear it − “I wish that he would just pass away”?

5.

After all I’ve sacrificed And all the love I’ve given them My greatest fear is that there may come a time When even my own children Might not care enough for me To see me through My old and final years.

6.

As I age I wonder and I worry Who will care for me When I’m old And only useful to myself? − Who will care for me In my old and final days? − Always hopeful That my children will. *****

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y

They Don’t Give Me Their Kisses (Am I That Unappraochable?)

(On Leandra And Kerry) 6-26-2004 Wishing for more open affection from the children. _____ 1.

When they say “Hello” “Good-morning” Or “Good-night” Or just “Good-bye” They only offer me their cheek And wait for me to kiss them.

2.

It seems as though they’re never fully willing To give a warm and voluntary kiss to me Which kind of hurts and makes me wonder Are they, that cold?

Or am I, that unapproachable?

3.

I trust though that in their hearts Are the hugs and kisses that I want And that will come out someday − Perhaps when they are older and better know Just how much that would mean to me. ***** 83

y I Save Everything For Them * (To Kerry And Leandra) 8-30-2004 I hope my children will appreciate what I’ve saved for them. _____ 1.

Candid photos of your daily lives, Pictures that you drew as children, Notebooks, report cards and show-and-tells from school, Birthday cards you’ve received, And many other such nostalgic things I save for you.

2.

I write about you in my poems and journals − About you and our lives together.

I also write you letters To be opened after I’m gone.

All these things I do and save for you.

3.

And all the family Christmas letters And all the stories of our family trips together That I wrote – I also save for you.

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4.

All these things represent: Your lives and your histories − Our lives with you, Your lives with us, And our lives together.

5.

While you don’t know The value of these things right now Out of love and experience I do And so I save them all for you. *****

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y A Good Start But A Bad Ending (Worrying About My Children) 9-8-2004 A father worrying about his children turning out wrong. _____ 1.

My children meant so much to me.

They were the best parts of my life.

They were my everything.

2.

When they were little things My hopes ran high And everything looked promising for them.

3.

Then, at around 20 years old or so − For whatever reason Each one took a fateful turn − A disastrous turn − At a dangerous speed − And went off the road of life And suffered a terrible crash.

4.

Their lives were ruined And so was mine.

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5.

As their father I went everywhere with them.

I was their constant and invisible passenger.

So when they crashed I crashed too.

6.

Oh, the wrenching pain of witnessing Their full and happy starts Turn into sorry ends.

7.

Depression and regret Now dominate My every waking moment And any sleep I get Is never long or easy.

8.

Now, I almost pray for death − Both theirs and mine − To end our mutual pain And sad misfortunes.

9.

For some sad reason Life has chosen Not to be so kind to me In giving me a good start for my children But then taking it all away With a bad ending. ***** 87

y Guilty As Accused (To Leandra And Kerry) 9-12-2004 I sometimes feel guilty for the problems of my children. _____ 1.

Whatever sins and errors My children are guilty of I somehow feel I’m guilty too.

2.

And even if they brought things Solely upon themselves Somehow I feel That I could have Or should have Raised or lead them better Which might have prevented whatever they did Making me feel That I bear Some shared responsibility.

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3.

And even if a jury of my peers Finds me innocent My mind would find me “Guilty as accused.”

4.

And sadly Guilty in one’s mind Is as guilty as in fact For it hurts the same. *****

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y If Not Now Then Perhaps In The Future (To My Children) 9-20-2004 Hoping my children find some value in what I leave them. _____ 1.

If I fail while I’m alive To be the model for my children That I wanted to be; If they don’t warm to me Because I’m seen as some one Who’s too serious or distant; Then all that I can hope for Is that I’ll be seen in a better light Through all the personal things I leave for them After I’m gone.

2.

I hope they’ll read my writings And listen to my music When they’re older and more mature And judge both them and me In a more objective light − A light that I unfortunately perhaps Could never get to shine so well While I was alive.

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3.

It’s my hope and anticipated comfort That my music and my writings And all the other personal things I leave for them − The family movies, photo albums, memorabilia and the like − Will be my legacy and their inheritance Through which I hope to be better understood And to serve as proof Of how much I loved them.

4.

And if all these things I leave Were to succeed in their intents And have some value to my children I pray that they’ll come and visit my grave And tell me that So I’d know that it wasn’t all in vain And I could rest a little easier In my grave. *****

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y

Stay Close To Them − Or Let Them Go? (To My Children) 9-22-2004 Two alternatives for preparing our children for life. _____ 1.

Because we’re older than most parents are Relative to our children’s ages And we’ll die earlier in their lives than normal I think about whether it might be wise To push the children out from under our wings Earlier rather than later So they can practice being on their own And build up the strength they’ll need To manage in this world When we’re not around.

2.

But on the other hand Since we we’ll die earlier In our children’s lives than normal Perhaps it’s not too wise to let them go And be on their own too early For they just might need our guidance and protection As long as possible.

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3.

Torn and tortured Over which decision would be the best − The best for love of them.

4.

Which way to go? − To stay close to them?

Or to let them go? *****

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I’ll Be With You All My Life − And All My Death As Well (To Kerry And Leandra) 10-9-2004 I’ll forever be concerned for my children’s welfare. _____ 1.

My dearest children You have no way of knowing Just how much I love you And how much my entire life’s Been focused On your education, welfare, and security.

2.

I’ve worried and looked after you All my life And if there’s an after-life − And it permits me − I’ll be doing the same After I am gone. *****

94

y So Many Times I’ve Looked At Your Picture * (To Leandra And Kerry) 10-9-2004 Writing again about this favorite Christmas picture of my children. _____ 1.

Sitting on my dresser Is a picture of the both of you at Christmas time When you were 2 and 4 years old Looking so happy and innocent.

2.

Each time I go to bed I look at that picture and fill with love.

And as I look at it Everything goes silent in the room Except For the pounding of my heart.

3.

You can’t imagine How many times I’ve looked at you in that picture − You, who never age on me And who are never without your beautiful smiles.

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4.

I find so much comfort in the fact That you will never change or leave me But rather Will always be there with and for me − Always there right next to me − Always loyal to their Dad − Always and forever − Always captured in love and time In that little Christmas picture In that little picture frame. *****

96

y Lost In Translation * (To My Children) 10-15-2004 Just like my father, I feel my love often doesn’t translate so well. _____ 1.

I love my children very much And everything I do comes back to them.

Though they may not always know it All my worries and hopes Revolve around the both of them: As my children, son and daughter; As brother and sister to each other; And as individuals.

2.

All too often though I find I don’t communicate so well All the love I have for them For when I try It sometimes comes out so different From the way I want it to For which I blame, in part On my awkward personality.

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3.

This failure in my communication skills And my personality Sometimes leaves me feeling as though I were A mute trying to speak But with nothing coming out; Or a cripple trying to walk But only falling down.

4.

The soft words and loving sentiments That are born healthy in my heart Sometimes come out sickly When filtered through my personality.

5.

I can never seem to make my case As well as I’d like to.

I’m often a weak attorney for my own defense, A poor ambassador for myself, And a weak publicist for my image.

In many ways I’m my own worst enemy.

6.

I want to bond with my children As the opposing poles of magnets do.

But it seems sometimes That the magnets get reversed And so instead of attracting They push against each other.

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7.

I wish that I could better translate What’s in my heart But so much of it is either Untranslatable Or just doesn’t translate well.

I wish the love I have for them Would be more transparent, Convincing, And representative Of what’s actually inside of me.

8.

This unfortunate combined communication flaw And personality deficiency − This imperfection, This shortcoming, This stutter in my speech, This limp in my walk − Has been one of my biggest disappointments And crushing frustrations in my life − Not being able To translate so well. *****

99

y I Must Prepare Myself (To Kerry And Leandra) 11-23-2004 Today’s sacrifices in parenting are all for a future benefit _____ 1.

On occasion I have to prepare myself to be disliked Or maybe even “hated” at times For the reprimands and counselings That I sometimes have to give my kids In doing my job as a parent.

2.

If I were to cop-out And take the easy way out By being their pal I’d succeed In saving myself a mass of grief.

But I’d fail With respect to both my conscience and my duty In being their parent And this I cannot do.

100

3.

I have to be prepared to sacrifice My peace of mind In doing what parents have to do sometimes.

4.

But if the peace of mind that I lose And the heartaches that I have to endure now Will win for them a safer place in the future It’ll all be worth it. *****

101

y I Love Them Equally (To My Children) 11-28-2004 My father never showed any favoritism in his love for his children which is the case with me. _____ 1.

At times it may appear That there’s a difference in my love For either one or the other of my children − Perhaps more for one Than for the other.

2.

But it’s not that way at all Nor has it ever been For in my heart of hearts I love them both – Equally.

3.

While each is different In their natures and their personalities I truly love them both – Equally.

102

4.

Whatever may appear As any kind of difference in love Between one over the other Is just a matter of perception For in reality And in my heart of hearts I truly love my children − Equally. *****

103

y All For Them (To My Children) 4-8-2005 Children don’t realize how much their parents’ lives revolve around them. _____ 1.

We rearrange our schedules to accommodate theirs.

We sacrifice our own free time for them.

We worry over what we did for them as well as what we didn’t.

We are constantly second-guessing ourselves About our parental decisions.

We are always worrying and asking, “Are the kids OK?” − Always asking, “How’d we do by them today?”

We worry over anything and everything about them.

And with respect to all these things we do They, at their ages, Mostly don’t have a clue about.

2.

We only want what’s best for them And nothing else.

We take care of them and their every need − Most of which they take for granted.

But that’s OK, for we fully understand And do it willingly Out of love for them.

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3.

We worry that we’re not around As much as we’d like to be In that our jobs are so demanding And so far away.

4.

We work so hard For their welfare and their education And for whatever inheritance we can leave them.

We work and worry all the time for them − So much so That we have little left for ourselves.

5.

Although they don’t fully know Just how much we worry and do for them We hope someday they will − And know for sure they will If and when They have children of their own.

6.

But it’s no matter For it’s all done out of love for them And if they turn out right in the end It will all be worth it. *****

105

y Their Unknown Gift To Us (On My Children) 4-23-2005 Although we’re strict we thankfully have never heard the kids speak badly of us publicly or privately. _____ 1.

They battle with us frequently And brand us as very strict − Very strict because We fuss about such things as: Their manners, Helping around the house, Doing homework, Making their beds and washing their dishes, Cleaning up their rooms, Studying, Who their friends are, And being respectful.

Although we’re “on them” frequently Trying to shape them as we feel is best for them It’s only out of love and family That we do it.

106

2.

Despite our being very strict in many ways And all the heated battles that we’ve had We’ve never heard them once Speak badly of us − Not even to impress or show off to their friends As some teen-agers in anger and immaturity sometimes do.

Nor have we ever heard of any threat or plan to run away.

Nor any wish that we were “out of their lives.”

3.

To the best of our knowledge We’ve never heard them say Any such things as these And so for this dear blessed gift We’re extremely grateful And thank them From the bottom of our hearts. *****

107

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I Hope I’ve Set A Good Example (To My Children) 4-24-2005 Hoping to have set a decent example for my children. _____ 1.

When I look back on my life I remember some of the things That I have done and or had to overcome Which include: Losing my Mom and growing up with a difficult father; Getting away from the streets in favor of getting an education; Working my way through college and graduate school; Joining the Navy and becoming an officer; Travelling all around the world; Becoming a partner in two major accounting firms; Working and living in Brazil; Losing many jobs but never giving up; Working and commuting long hours; Renovating our home for 7 ½ years; Composing music and poetry as my personal avocations; Providing financial security for the family; And being married to Mom and devoted to the kids for life.

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2.

It’s not for boasting That I mention these things But rather As a thumbnail reflection upon my life In the hope that they’ll in some way Represent a decent showing for myself. *****

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y When You Adopt A Child * (To My Children) 11-26-2005 There is no deeper love than that for our children. ______ 1.

Nurse the sick.

Visit the elderly.

Comfort the dying.

Pray for all lost souls.

Be a pen-pal to a stranger.

Give money to the church.

Send cookies to the troops.

Donate clothing to the poor.

Serve hot meals to the hungry.

Offer shelter to the homeless.

Man a hot line for the desperate.

Pay for the education of a child.

Be a big brother or sister to a wayward boy or girl.

Do all these things and even more And it will never be so much as what you do When you adopt a child.

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2.

All the many individual and noble things you do Are merely here and there things − Things you do at your convenience When and if you feel like doing them − Intermittently − But not so when you adopt a child.

3.

When you adopt a child All those individual one-off things you do Are all rolled into one And last a lifetime.

4.

When you adopt a child It’s no different than having a child − In fact It’s even more special.

5.

When you adopt a child You commit Every single dollar you own, Every minute of your day and night, And every ounce of love you have.

6.

When you adopt a child It’s not part-time, occasional or sporadic.

It’s every day and all the time – It’s everything and forever − When you adopt a child.

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7.

You think you know of love and giving?

But you only have a glimpse of it Until you take a child into your heart and home Forever and for always.

8.

And all the suffering, hurt, and worry That you endure − Don’t fret about it as it’s all offset and more By your unconditional love For that little boy and girl − Your son and daughter.

9.

It’s all offset and more By the deepest love that you could ever Find, give, imagine or receive − When you adopt a child.

10.

And with respect to our family The term adopted is just a legal term And has no relevance to us as to what actually occurred Which was Mom, Kerry, Leandra and I all coming together As equal contributors to our family As Mom and Dad, son and daughter, and brother and sister Bonded not by blood but by love − One for all and all for one forever As family. *****

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It’s Not My Place To Throw Them Out * (Whichever Comes First) (To Leandra And Kerry) 12-11-2005 I save many of the things the kids throw out. _____ 1.

When my children throw away Their old toys, school work and other such things That they don’t want or need anymore I ask them candidly, “Don’t you want to keep this or save that?”

But I usually get their standard reply, “No Dad, just throw them out.

We don’t want them anymore.”

2.

Even with that answer I just can’t let them throw them out − At least not all of them − For they don’t have enough experience yet To really know How much these little and unwanted things today Might mean to them tomorrow When they are older and more mature – When they’re better qualified to judge their value And have a better sense of what their personal history means.

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3.

So I go and secretly retrieve Some of the things They’ve thrown in the trash – Not everything – Just some of them.

4.

Though I may be wrong And they might in fact never see the value That I attach to some or all of these little things That they throw away I feel it’s not my place to let them throw them out now − Leaving that decision for them to make At a later and more mature time in their lives.

5.

And so, my reminiscent, sentimental and nostalgic heart Saves and holds Many of my children’s old and discarded things For the time When they can better appreciate their value − Or until the day I die − Whichever comes first. *****

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They’re Slowly Forgetting (On Kerry And Leandra) 2-9-2006 The kids have forgotten things that are indelible in our minds. _____ 1.

The “kids” are now almost 18 and 20 And their own lives and current memories Are replacing the ones That they had when they were younger.

2.

They don’t remember so many of the things that happened In their younger years: When we lived like transients out of boxes for 7 ½ years While I was renovating our house inside and out; The work we did to clear, design and landscape the property; The many nights we worked on homework together; The family trips we took; And the birthday parties and the outings we had Among many other things we did.

And as the years advance They forget a little more.

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3.

Many of the things That Mom and I will never forget Kerry and Leandra now have Diminished memories of.

Slowly we’re being left alone With only our memories to go by − Memories that were – But aren’t now − Common to the four of us.

4.

Without their memories to complement ours We can’t commiserate as best we’d like.

“Memory Lane” Is slowly becoming a one-way street.

If the things we did together Are not remembered by them In a way, it’s like they never happened.

While that’s understandable in many respects It’s also disconcerting As we don’t want to be left alone With only our memories.

5.

I can’t help but feel a little sadness in my heart That all the things we shared together And are indelible in our memories Aren’t indelible in theirs.

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6.

But that’s life I guess And I must try to understand And reconcile myself to it And not take it, too personally. *****

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I’m Just Too Old To Fight Much Anymore (To Leandra And Kerry) 2-9-2006 Mellowing and or weakening with age. _____ 1.

At my age of 63 now I try to avoid confrontations as much as possible For I’m not so well-equipped, inclined or well disposed To fight all that much anymore.

2.

So, my dearest children If you sense an obvious weakness in me Now that I’m in my elder years Don’t exploit it Just because you can.

Show some respect, Understanding, And restraint For I don’t think I deserve To be taken advantage of In these, my more vulnerable And defenseless years.

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3.

This is all I ask of you, my children − That you grant me this simple little charity.

Please do it for me, your loving father For I’m getting to that point in life and age Where I’m just too old To fight so much anymore. *****

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y Was It All My Fault?

(To Kerry And Leandra) 2-10-2006 Wishing I could have better inspired my children into certain preferred paths of interest. _____ 1.

Not skilled enough as a leader?

Not charismatic enough to inspire them?

2.

Are these the reasons why I couldn’t get my children To do the some of the things I wanted them to do − The things I thought Would keep them busy and productive And out of trouble And that overall would be good for them − Like sports and athletics − Like music, art and reading − And like joining school clubs and organizations Such as the girl scouts and boy scouts?

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3.

Was it my fault?

Was it because I didn’t have the requisite skill, Image, Or personality To lead and inspire them Into things that I felt Would be rewarding for them And that they might really enjoy?

4.

I will always ask myself these questions.

Was it me?

Does the fault lie with me?

5.

And while I might ask myself these questions All I really care about Is that they turn out right For themselves For it’s their lives And anything they chose, I’ll support For love of them. *****

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y Did I Over-Do It? (The Punishment Just Doesn’t Seem To Fit The Crime) (To Leandra And Kerry) 2-20-2006 A father’s doubts about over-protecting his children and their possibly resenting it. _____ 1.

By over-loving Did I over-do it?

By over-caring Did I not give them The proper room to grow?

By protecting them so much Did I not let them make Enough of their own mistakes?

2.

Oh god Did you adorn me With this heavy heart of guilt And make me wrestle With so many questions Because you felt I earned it?

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3.

And if so And I am in fact at fault I hope you understand That it was only out of love − And or ignorance – That I did it And who would know that Better than you?

4.

Please take into consideration then That whatever errors I made Were made in good faith And with only the best of intentions.

5.

So with that in mind And taking everything into account This heavy-hearted punishment That you have given me Just doesn’t seem to fit the crime. *****

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y When Time And Circumstances Favorably Meet (On Kerry And Leandra) 2-23-2006 A little wishful thinking. _____ 1.

The children of our friends, Larry and Barbara Chong Said some very nice things about their parents In the speeches they made in their honor At their parents’ 60th birthday celebrations in Manhattan.

2.

And as I listened I was imagining that Mom and I Were Barbara and Larry And that Kerry and Leandra were their children Speaking nicely about us.

3.

It was only a short fleeting day-dream But a touching one That made me feel how nice it would be If our kids someday Were to do something like that for us.

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4.

Who knows? – Maybe it won’t be just a day-dream And it’ll actually come true At a time When love, time and circumstances All favorable meet. *****

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y Switch From The Push To The Pull (To Leandra And Kerry) 2-26-2006 I wish I had the personality or skill to lead or “pull” the kids into things rather than have to demand or “push” them. _____ 1.

The more I push my help and love on them The more they seem to resist and move away − Like magnets with opposing polarities.

The more I try to guide them down the path The more they seem to go the other way.

2.

Oh, how I wish that I could pull Instead of push them − To convince them Rather than order them − To draw them in to me Rather than drive them away.

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3.

If only I could switch From the push to the pull. ~ If only I could reverse These opposing polarities. ~ If only I could be a better leader Rather than a hard demander. ~ If only I could motivate them Rather than compel them.

4.

Oh if I could only switch From the push to the pull.

If I could only pull Instead push them I’d trade all I have For that one little talent. *****

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y Have I Helped Or Hurt Them?

(A Message Through The Clouds) (On My Children) 4-23-2006 Always worrying about the net effects of my good-intentioned methods of raising my children. _____ 1.

Although everything I’ve done Was done with all the best of intentions I’ll never really know If I’ve helped or hurt them For you never know how things turn out But I do know that I tried my best.

2.

Years and years may pass Before I’ll ever really know − If I ever know at all.

They always say that “Time will tell” But even Time can keep secrets.

3.

So if I die before I know Then the only way I’ll ever know Is if they tell me at my grave Or send a message through the clouds. *****

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y My Expressions Quoted By My Kids (On My Children) 6-11-2006 Some of the things I often say that the kids jokingly repeat. _____ 1.

“They are the real heroes.”

2.

“Don’t debate with anyone about doing drugs, just get out of there.

Practice a quick exit line like, ‘Sorry, I gotta go and meet somebody’ ” 3.

“Don’t say things just to say things.”

4.

“I don’t want to baby myself.”

5.

“It’s good for my immune system.”

6.

“Don’t scare yourself by thinking about the whole project Rather only think about each piece of it.”

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7.

“An education is your ticket out of the old neighborhood.”

8.

“I’ve seen what drugs can do – So don’t ever let that monkey ever get on your back.”

9.

“Psych yourself up, not out.”

10.

“Man is little more than a more-advanced animal.”

11.

“Life is more rewarding when you take it seriously.”

12.

“In job hunting, forget about how many ‘No’ s you get As all you need is one ‘Yes’.”

13.

“Always think upscale.”

14.

“Everybody goes to Hell in his own way.”

15.

“Hey, who owns this beautiful house!”

(What I often say about our house each time we drive up to it.) *****

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Don’t Make Me Feel I’ve Been A Failure As A Father (To Kerry And Leandra) 9-23-2006 If my children don’t turn out right I’ll partly blame myself. _____ 1.

Oh children Be careful about the things you do.

Although you tell me, “Don’t worry, Dad, it’s my life, not yours”, It’s not your life Alone For it’s our life Together.

2.

Because you are my children And I love you so Whatever you do And whatever you become Will affect me too One way or the other.

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3.

If you turn out right I’ll take a little credit.

And if you turn out bad I’ll take a lot of blame.

And either way, and for sure I’ll take it personally.

4.

So my children If you somehow turn out wrong For whatever reason Rest assured – Right or wrong − I’ll feel that somehow I’ve failed you as a father.

5.

So children Please turn out right So at the end of my life I’m not burdened With a heavy dose of self-imposed blame And a self-condemning epitaph Thinking that in some way I’ve failed you as a father.

6.

Please, dear children of mine Turn out right – For all our sakes. *****

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y The Fated Hitchhiker (On Leandra And Kerry) 9-29-2006 Wishing my approach could be more conciliatory. _____ 1.

When Leandra went astray again I reacted strongly and yelled at her.

Though I had every right to get upset It might have been somewhat overpowering And might not have helped the situation And maybe even made things worse By adding to her stress And mine as well.

2.

And the same with Kerry And my counseling of him Where sometimes I show my temper Just like my father showed his.

3.

Despite how many times I promise myself Not to be like my father It sometimes just comes out that way And when it does it tears my heart apart To see it sometimes happening all over again Generation to generation.

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4.

If I only had the secret formula To make things come out better and more positive.

If only I could counsel Instead of intimidate and alienate.

If only I could manage my emotions better And not be such a hostage to my style.

For every time I react that way I stab myself right through the heart Then go and hang a heavy weight of black regret on it Just for good measure.

5.

I don’t want to be like my father was And always yelling.

Rather I only want to counsel, comfort and to help.

I only want to guide, not direct − To lead, not order.

I only want what makes things work For both Kerry and Leandra And for Mom and me as well.

6.

So, with respect any judgment you may have of me About any of my flare-ups I hope that you’ll take into account the fact That whatever I do I do out of love But that sadly Sometimes a little over-reaction tags along As an uninvited, but fated Hitchhiker. *****

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y The Kids Are Safe At Work (On Kerry And Leandra) 4-4-2008 The kids having part-time jobs mitigates a lot of problems. ______ 1.

With both the kids having part-time jobs now There’s so much less I have to worry about: About their hanging around the house Watching too much TV, Being on the phone or internet incessantly, Eating too much junk food, Sleeping late, And developing an “attitude.”

2.

You see, because they both have jobs There’s much less idle time For things like these to grow.

3.

There’s also less time for bickering And for petty annoyances to build up Because they now have The diversions of their jobs To keep them occupied.

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4.

There’s also less concern about allowances from us For they’re earning their own pocket money Which makes them feel better about themselves And not so helpless, indentured and dependent on us But rather more free, empowered and more independent.

5.

Because they both have jobs now I also worry less about their driving around aimlessly And possibly getting into trouble Just because they’re bored and have “nothing to do.”

6.

And because they’ve gotten jobs Early in their lives They’ve already learned the concept Of working for a living Relieving me of that hurdle To possibly have to deal with Sometime in the future When it would be Much more difficult to teach.

7.

So when the kids are at work I feel they’re safe − Safe at work! *****

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y No Food For Me Tonight (On Leandra And Kerry) 4-29-2009 Reactions to a situation. _____ 1.

When I came home After a long day in the office and a long commute I was tired and hungry.

Kerry was in the kitchen with his friend, Mike Playing video games.

2.

I noticed the grill soaking on the counter.

They had just made burgers for themselves A little while before.

3.

I went to the fridge to look for something to eat But found it empty.

Neither Kerry or Leandra Had thought enough of me To leave a little something − Or even prepare something − For when I got home that night.

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4.

So much for thoughtfulness And parental respect.

Without saying it, they let me know That I was on my own: It was 10 pm And with Mom away in the Philippines I was in fact, on my own.

5.

After foraging around for a while I found a couple of pieces of bread And took them upstairs to my room − Like a dog to its corner − Like a mouse to its hole.

I also took a bottle of wine.

6.

The very thought of my own children Eating the last of the food With little thought of me Made me angry, but mostly hurt.

7.

I tried to hold myself, but couldn’t.

I just had to get it off my chest.

I just had to relieve the pressure in my heart.

So I came back down stairs And lashed out at Kerry.

But then, not feeling any better for it I went back up to my room.

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8.

Kerry’s response was to come upstairs And try, it seemed To put it back on me by saying, “You never told me what time you were coming home.

Had I known your schedule Maybe I might have made you something.”

While he may have had a point I was hurt and in no mood for buying it.

For the love of him I wanted to, but couldn’t − Not just then.

9.

Then I called Leandra on the phone And told her how angry and disappointed I was At her as well In that she too, had preferred to be with her friends Rather than think of me.

10.

Leandra’s response was to come home right away And when she did She fell into my arms and cried Telling me how sorry she was.

11.

Since they’re both good kids overall And even though I had a basis for my anger I felt bad that night about everything − About what they did And about how I reacted.

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12.

It wasn’t a good night overall − But in the end: I got things off my chest, Apologies and excuses were exchanged, We were all still talking to each other, And maybe we all learned something from it.

13.

In the end – After some time had passed And the dust had settled that night − I was reconciled To my simple dinner of bread and wine And looking forward to A better day tomorrow. *****

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y Hi Dad * (To Kerry And Leandra) 8-27-2009 How two little words can mean so much. _____ 1.

I’m sitting on the kitchen couch When Kerry comes in the door Bouncing on the balls of his feet And says, in his upbeat manner, “Hi Dad.” 2.

“Hi Dad.” − How those simple words from my son Spoken at the proper time And in the proper tone Gave me that little sign Of fatherly recognition and respect That I’m always looking for And that I so much appreciate.

I took those simple words of his And put them in a special place in my heart.

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3.

Then Leandra comes in With Justin trailing behind.

She also says, in her own upbeat manner, “Hi, Dad!” And as soon as she said it I immediately took her words into my heart as well And put them right next to Kerry’s.

4.

That little, “Hi, Dad” from my son And that little “Hi, Dad” from my daughter Made me so much more aware Of my proud and honored status as their Dad. Oh how those beautiful and enriching words Scented the air, Graced my ears, And warmed every corner of my heart.

5.

Oh how those special little words From my dearest children Served as the kindling That started That blazing fire of love in my heart.

6.

And my memories of these words Are the embers of that fire That all I need to do with them Is to stoke them a little To get that fire going again.

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7.

How great it is To hear my son and daughter Say “Hi, Dad!” to me.

“Hi Dad” − It’s only a little, innocent and lighthearted Two-word sentence to them But it’s a powerfully touching sentence That means all the world to me − That simple little, “Hi, Dad!” From my children.

8.

It’s amazing How just those two little words, “Hi Dad!” Can fill up a father’s heart. *****

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That’s All We Ask (Just A Simple Little Hello And Goodbye) (On Leandra And Kerry) 10-10-2011 Simply manners. _____ 1.

Just a little “Hello” and “Goodbye” That’s all we ask of Kerry and Leandra’s friends − Just a simple “Hello” From them to us as they come in − Just a little sign of respect For Mom and I being their hosts − Just a standard social convention And a matter of simple courtesy That also eliminates the awkwardness Of bumping into them Sometime later in the house.

2.

And after that 5-second formality Of just saying, “Hello” There’s nothing more than that That’s needed to be said or done For after that Everyone can comfortably go about their business And do their own thing.

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3.

And when their guests leave All we ask for Is a little “Goodbye” from them Announcing the end of their visit − And maybe even a little “Thank You” In appreciation for our hospitality.

And just that little “Goodbye” and “Thank you” Would make us so much more amenable To having them back again as our guests.

4.

That’s all we ask of Kerry and Leandra’s friends − And of anyone – Family, friend or stranger − Just a simple little “Hello” and “Goodbye” − And maybe a “Thank You” afterwards − Little things But important things. *****

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“We Love You Too, Dad” * (To My Children) 10-19-2013 Saving his (my) “I love you”s. _____ 1.

His wife died last year And now he was lying on his deathbed And with a condition That prevented him from speaking.

2.

With his children beside his bed He wanted to say “I love you” to them But he painfully couldn't And so he wouldn’t be able to hear them say in reply, “We love you too, Dad” Which he so much wanted to hear.

3.

He wasn’t the kind of person Who said “I love you” frequently or casually.

For him “I love you”s weren’t cheap giveaways Or that were said ritualistically − Like every time before you hang up the phone or say goodbye.

For him, they were reserved for special and meaningful occasions − Like this one.

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4.

Believing they were special He always held his “I love you”s in his heart And never wore them on his cuff.

5.

He was content in knowing that when he did use them They’d be special and meaningful.

And so, any one “I love you” from him Was always worth more Than a million “I love you”s from someone else Who just threw them around like confetti.

6.

But sadly He couldn’t speak now − And say the words that he’d been saving.

He wouldn’t be able to say, “I love you”, to his children Or hear them reply, “We love you too, Dad.” 7.

But he prayed that somehow The silent “I love you” That he was saying in his heart Would reach them And that they’d reply, “We love you too, Dad”.

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8.

But as he prayed He was also secretly hoping That they wouldn’t need to be prompted by his prayers But rather – And without any solicitation or coaxing on his part − They’d just naturally say it from their hearts, “We love you, Dad.” 9.

Oh to hear those words from his children Without any prompting Would be the greatest honor A father could ever receive And that he could proudly take with him To his eternity.

10.

And so He just waited Helpless − But hoping. *****

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y A Touching Thanksgiving Surprise (On My Family) 12-6-2014 A touching surprise by Mom and my children. _____ 1.

We had a family Thanksgiving Dinner again With just the 4 us here at home.

We’ve been doing this now for the past couple of years Rather than traveling to relatives’ houses As we used to do.

2.

Mom spends days preparing beforehand And on Thanksgiving Day Kerry and Leandra Help out with the final touches And with the cleanup.

3.

Sometime during this Thanksgiving Day − While I was preoccupied editing my poems − I noticed that all the boxes of Christmas decorations Had been taken down from the attic by Kerry Which was a job that I normally did by myself But that has become increasingly more difficult for me With each succeeding year.

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4.

What a wonderful and touching surprise that was Conspired by Mom, Kerry and Leandra To help me out with that bulky, balancing and tiring job.

And further While Mom finished the dinner preparations Leandra and Kerry helped me put up the tree And hang all the inside and outside lights.

5.

I felt so indescribably warm inside Knowing that my wife and children Had collectively collaborated To do this little big thing for me − That they thought enough of me To give me Such a touching and silent Thanksgiving surprise gift.

6.

While it may have been a little thing To them It was a big and heartwarming thing To me. *****

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