f Poems of Neil Michelsen
Volume 6
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f Dedication To my family
2015
Neil Michelsen
1960
2013
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f Preface I began writing at home in Brooklyn in 1960 when I just turned 17. That was the year my mother died at age 44 with my first poem being about her death. I continued writing through and including my years in the navy and after my discharge. Then there was an approximate 25 year gap in my writing between the early 1970s and late 1990s when I was focused on my career and bachelor years living in New York City and Rio de Janeiro, travelling, getting married and starting a family and then working 7 ½ years renovating our 1894 home in Connecticut. I started out writing traditional style poetry but then gravitated to blank verse. Many of my poems may be thought of as poetic chronicles or essays as they record my observations, feelings and experiences. Some poems represent emotional lows that were written for emotional release and may even take the form of private confessions. Many are heavy, personal and serious which reflect the somewhat introspective side of my nature and personality. A number reflect some of the events of my younger, delinquent and wilder days before I settled down. I thought about excluding certain poems that were not well written, were too personal or revealing or that talked about my youthful indiscretions but decided to include them for completeness which I hope any readers will take into account.
Although not completely satisfied with the quality of many of the poems I had to make the decision to stop making revisions and edits as a matter of practicality. Between 1960 and 2014 I’ve written approximately 1,500 poems which have been compiled into 14 volumes: 8 volumes of general poems and 6 volumes of poems that relate to my family. Volume 8 is supplemented with poems that relate to the 911 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in New York City on 9-11-2001. A 15th volume contains a master index of all the poems and a 16th comprises an anthology of selected poems. The poems in this volume go up through 2014. Those written after 2014 are included in subsequent volumes. The poems are presented roughly in the order that were most favored for their poetic style, subject matter or personal meaning to me. I apologize if any offense is taken with anything I’ve written as that was not my intent. Also, since these poems were not professionally edited, I apologize for any deficiencies in poetic form and for any grammatical, typographical or spelling errors. It is my hope that these poems, along with my other personal works (i.e. my journals, books and other writings; music compositions; family movies and photo albums; paintings; and various collections and memorabilia) will serve as my legacy and mark in life as well as a personal inheritance to my family.
f Table of Contents No Title and Dedication Preface 1. I’m Going Up The Wrong Staircase 2. Someone Out There Hating You 3. If I Didn’t Have A Tender Heart 4. Inner Space 5. Courage, Where Were You When I Needed You? 6. I Just Can’t Leave It Alone 7. All I Need 8. My Grief Has Twenty Shadows 9. Embarrassment 10. All I Can Do Is Wait 11. Burning Bridges (On Tom Carroll) 12. Visual Democracy 13. Life Without Burdens 14. Farm Food 15. A Soft Retreat 16. My Jokes Don’t Work So Well Anymore 17. She Cried When She Saw It (To Bich-Thuy) 18. It Felt Like A Home Should Feel (On Stella) 19. My Two Nemeses: My Personality And My Attitude 20. But Then My Personality Shows Up 21. How Come? 22. Don't Worry, It’ll All Be Over With 23. Rejection 24. Life Is Measured In Heartbeats 25. The Hair That Came Alive 26. Like A Dog Shaking Water Off Itself 27. If It Weren’t For His Books 28. Sunshine
Pg 1 3 4 5 7 9 10 11 12 14 17 20 22 23 26 28 30 32 34 36 37 38 39 41 42 44 45 49
29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 47. 48. 49. 50. 51. 52. 53. 54. 55. 56. 57. 58. 59. 60. 61. 62. 63. 64. 65.
Straight To Old? Addicted To Both Afraid At Sea Again In Your Blue Eyes (To Sharon) See The Sun Rise When Substance Is Gone Between The Two Goal – Perfection We Are Such Simple Things I’ll Never Know (To Sharon) I, Condemned Mist Upon My Face Fashion A Humble Peace Sit Down, Sir The State Of Eternity High Above Manhattan Bowing To Sleep A Pleading Impression (To Judy) Will You Come To Me? (To Gwen) True Love Gives Strength (To Gwen) Away From Gwen (To Carol Lee Johnson) I Reminisce Recurring In My Mind (To Gwen) A Black Night Fog She Had Died Sometime Before Dreaming As The Day Is Paling An Incident In Tokyo You Can’t Forget The Dream Doubling All My Bets Courage And Inspiration I Am At Peace With My Music Tonight One Piece Of Music − One And A Million Is Vanity My Drummer? My Chariot Away It’s The Only Thing We Have I Never Saw It Coming (On Nancy Salomons) Set The Score To Zero
52 55 56 58 59 60 61 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 71 72 73 74 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 85 87 88 90 91 93 97 99 100 101 103
66. 67. 68. 69. 70. 71. 72. 73. 74. 75. 76. 77. 78. 79. 80. 81. 82. 83. 84. 85. 86. 87. 88. 89. 90. 91. 92. 93. 94. 95. 96. 97. 98. 99. 100. 101. 102.
Dark And Somber Music The Best Music Is Chamber Music Sparks Off A Grinding Wheel My Most Important Things Thunder In My Head The Theater Of It All I Never Promised You Anything The Petals On A Flower − The Planets In The Sky I Must Push On In Secret That Female Filipina Smile Searching For A Motto Hopefully An Elder Will Stand Up For Me Look Through The Blades Of The Spinning Fan I Must Bear It Running From Her Memory (On Bich-Thuy) You’re Scaring Me Away (To Letty Gonzales) For What? For Why? For Shame On You! I’m Nobody’s Daughter The Lesser Of Two Evils The Ploy The Writing Drug My Living Nightmare Misery Loves Company A Difference Of Day And Night Pets A Little Story About A Life Praying Lotto A Friend To You That’s Life For Me Those Female Asian Faces In The Crowd Let Me Rock Myself In Sorrow No One Was Listening A Bubble In A Soda Bottle Photons That Once Were Me Don’t Take Your Eyes Off Me! A Pagan In The Choir You Can Take Me On The Street, But…
104 106 108 110 111 113 115 116 118 121 123 125 127 129 131 133 135 137 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 147 148 149 150 151 153 155 156 158 159 161 162
103. 104. 105. 106. 107. 108. 109. 110. 111. 112. 113. 114. 115. 116. 117. 118. 119. 120. 121. 122. 123. 124. 125. 126. 127. 128. 129. 130. 131. 132. 133. 134. 135. 136. 137. 138. 139.
Finding A Mother’s Hand It Wouldn’t Matter One Iota Everything Is Relative A Message On A Subway Wall Waiting For The After-Life Priorities Confused? Mining For Gold To Open All The Flowers Who Are We To Be Served? Instinct Rules I Fell Into A Hole A Good Sleep And A Fresh White Shirt I’m Showing All My Soft Spots We Must Leave These Trees Possessed Have I Missed Something? Still Playing Hide And Seek She Just Told Me Another Lie And I Believed Her Fear Is Still King Remnant Justice For A Selfish Person Oh Life, I Gave You All I Had − But Did I? I Really Used To Be Somebody I Give Myself To The Wind You Can Call The Dogs Off Me Please Turn That Gun Around Going Out On A Low Note Again? If Only I Could Shell Myself Over Tell Her I Just Left For Good Perhaps It’s In The Morning Breeze I Need To Stay Away From Heights Fear In The Tunnel Then Honor Her In Death The Closing Statement At My Trial A Confining Death Hard Work And Discipline What Was It That Was So Important? He Never Made The Effort
164 165 167 170 171 174 175 177 178 180 182 184 185 186 188 190 192 194 196 198 199 201 203 204 205 207 209 210 212 214 215 217 218 219 221 223 225
140. 141. 142. 143. 144. 145. 146. 147. 148. 149. 150. 151. 152. 153. 154. 155. 156. 157.
I Saw The World When I Was Bulletproof All My People Are Dying The Lady Bug Sometimes You Meet Someone (On Bich-Thuy) “I’m Not Happy” Leave A Little Goodbye Gift Who I Was Onions And Sour Pickles Just By Association (On Tom Carroll And I) From A Routine To No Routine I Can’t Go Into The Darkness Alone I’ve Had An Interesting Life Good Work And Gibberish I Have To Fight It All The Time The Ladder Hadn’t Moved Who Am I? Wanting To Be Alone But Not The Feel Of Money In Your Pocket *****
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Poems of Neil Michelsen
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I’m Going Up The Wrong Staircase 3-22-2010 Going the wrong way but getting to the right place. _____ 1. I sometimes forget where I’m going All because I’m not paying much attention To what I’m doing. 2. My mind is always drifting off somewhere And never where it ought to be. 3. I often get snagged on a line of poetry And can’t seem to break myself free. 4. My mind is frequently wandering down Some dark and desolate alleyway Or flying off into outer space. 5. I’m constantly wrestling with Some feeling or emotion And trying to find the words To best describe it.
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6. Because I’m always day-dreaming I’m forever tripping on curbs Or going up the wrong staircase. 7. I’m always sacrificing Concentration and focus For misty and poetic dreams. 8. And because I’m so preoccupied With my day-dreaming poetry Many times I physically wind up In places I don’t want to be. 9. But by the same token Many times I poetically wind up Exactly Where I want to be. *****
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y Someone Out There Hating You 3-19-2010 Sensitivity to people’s opinions. _____ 1. Any falling out I have with someone − Large or small − Business or personal − Stays with me. For I don’t have the feathered down That will let it roll off me Like water off a duck’s back − Or skin thick enough To withstand its sharp and prickly thorns − Or a heart that doesn’t bruise so easily When it’s hurt − Or a mind that’s strong enough To not let it get to me. 2. Just feeling That there’s someone out there Not liking me − Or worse, even hating me − Bothers me And occupies every second thought I have. *****
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If I Didn’t Have A Tender Heart 3-21-2010 Just a trite series of verses. _____ 1. If I didn’t have a tender heart I could never write a poem. 2. And if there was no moon I wouldn’t dream of love. 3. And if my heart were empty I couldn’t ever write a love poem 4. And if I couldn’t write a love poem My heart would burst. *****
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y Inner Space 3-25-2010 Withdrawing to concentrate on my personal projects. _____ 1. With the combination of my advancing age And the intensity of my efforts To finish my music and poetry I’m shying away from people And becoming more introspective Even more than before. 2. I’m becoming more and more withdrawn − Shunning social contact to an ever greater degree And going deeper and deeper into myself − Deeper into my inner space. 3. My social circle And desire for social interaction Has shrunken significantly Being limited in many cases To just my family.
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4. In this process I’m amazingly finding That the inner space within me Is just as vast and unexplored As the outer space itself 5. But in this process It begs the question: Is life on the inside? Or the outside? 6. Will this withdrawal into myself Help me find the essence of life, in general And myself and my inner peace, in particular? Or will it only get me more lost? *****
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y Courage, Where Were You When I Needed You? 3-26-2010 Having courage when we need it. _____ 1. Courage Why is it that you only show up After the thugs of Fear, Worry and Despair Have left the scene? And by your conspicuous absence You’ve actually encouraged and emboldened them Into thinking they’ve gotten away with it And can come back and mug me Anytime they want. 2. Courage Why can’t you show up In a more timely manner? Why can’t you be there When I need you most? Why can’t you ever get there in time enough To catch them in the act And save me from their vicious attacks?
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3. And Courage I also don’t understand Why you just can’t lock them up And throw away the key? − Or better yet Why you just can’t simply drag them out of town And hang them from the nearest tree And be done with it? 4. So Courage If you can’t get rid of these career criminals Of Fear, Worry and Despair And prevent their attacks Can you at least Have the decency To show up the minute I call? *****
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I Just Can’t Leave It Alone 4-14-2010 Someone hurt in love. _____ 1. I keep touching the spot Where it hurts − That spot in my heart Where your painful memory is. 2. And by constantly touching it I risk that it will only get worse. 3. So here I am − Left with a sore that just won’t heal And one That I just can’t seem to leave alone. *****
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y All I Need 4-19-2010 Only needing a few simple things. _____ 1. Just like a baby only needs A few little, but important things − Like its mother’s milk and her simple lullaby To help it get to sleep − All I need Are a few simple things as well. 2. All I need is a gentle touch upon my hand, An understanding look, A little word of recognition and encouragement, A friendly call on the telephone to see how I’m doing Or a simple card at Christmas time. 3. All I need are a few simple little things Representing Kindness, understanding and reassurance To get me through This sometimes thorny And complicated life of ours. *****
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y My Grief Has Twenty Shadows 5-2-2010 Grief often has multiple dimensions to it. _____ 1. Each grief of mine Comes with 20 shadows each Making it that much heavier. 2. From its weight I’ve become a hunchback Hobbling down the road. 3. If I were to set my griefs down to get some rest It will only make it harder to pick them up again So I just keep them on my crooked back. 4. Each grief of mine never comes alone But always With 20 shadows each. *****
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y Embarrassment 5-10-2010 The power of embarrassment. _____ 1. Embarrassment − In front of others Or yourself − I don’t know which is worse. 2. Embarrassment − It cuts like a knife And bites like a wolf. 3. Embarrassment − It’s the hound that follows you Wherever you go Always sniffing you out. And when it finds you It points its nose and tail Straight as an arrow at you From which there is no hiding.
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4. Embarrassment − Its pressure is even greater Than the pressure At the bottom of the sea. 5. Embarrassment − It has no respect Not even for the dead For it will even find your bones And dig them up. 6. Embarrassment − Born in Hell And endowed With the blackest of all souls. 7. Oh Embarrassment − Will you someday die a natural death Or will you live on forever Just for spite? *****
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y All I Can Do Is Wait (On My Books Of Poems And Verses) 6-30-2010 Hopefully my poems will capture someone’s attention. _____ 1. I started writing poetry in 1960 Not knowing I was starting anything. But here I am in 2010 With 50 years of writing behind me And over 1300 (thirteen hundred) poems composed. 2. Four years ago I made a promise to myself: To organize and edit this massive collection Before I started anything new And now I’ve kept that promise. 3. For 4+ years now I’ve edited each and every poem Many times over Making change after change Until I got them into some acceptable shape. But even though There’s still a lot more room for improvement And I could edit them ad nausea “Enough is enough.”
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4. Although they’re not great by any literary standard They represent my observations, feelings and experiences About myself, the family, and the world and life, in general Which distils into who I am and what I believe in, in particular And all together they represent The little mark I want to leave in life. 5. All my poems Are the scents that I’ve gently rubbed On all the rocks and bushes around me To mark my territory And to show that I was here. These are my marks, My signatures, My stakes in the ground, And the writing on my wall. 6. With this work now completed * I’ve placed them on my shelf And just knowing that they’re there – Whatever their worth or value is − Gives me a sense of pride and satisfaction. * Completed in that they’ve been edited and spiral bound. But I plan further editing and someday putting them into true book format.
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7. So there they are And there they sit − All my poems and verses − Waiting to catch someone’s attention Who might want to read them. 8. So just like a spider who’s weaved its web And is patiently waiting to see what it catches That’s what I’m doing now as well. *****
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y Burning Bridges (On Tom Carroll) 8-15-2010 On a lost friendship with Tom Carroll. _____ 1. Watch me light the match That will burn the bridge down That used to be between us Leaving the past behind And forever on the other side. Watch me light the match That will guarantee There won’t be any going back To any friendship that we had. 2. There’s something mesmerizing about a fire − Something mystical and pagan That’s imbedded in our primal roots. 3. There’s something mysterious about a fire − Something almost supernatural That when we stare into it It conjures up both lost memories from our past And visions of our future.
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4. There’s also something exciting and seductive about a fire − Something stirring in those swaying flames That raises up all our latent superstitions That were laying in wait below the surface. 5. There’s something sacrificial about a fire – Something sacrificing itself for another In exchange for light and heat. 6. There’s something sad and remorseful about a fire too − Something that makes us wonder why − Why fate is often so hard and so demanding of us. 7. And there’s also something final about a fire − Something decisive and definitive – Something irreversible − Something that instills in us A strange and calm acceptance of our Fate. 8. But while I understand That everyone must meet his Fate I can’t help thinking That I was singled out For this special one.
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9. I’ve been anticipating this day − Without admitting it − Wondering when my Destiny Would finally show itself and demand Such a pricey and custom-made sacrifice of me. 10. Watch me light the match That sets the bridge on fire. *****
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y Visual Democracy 12-20-2010 Inspired by a review of the book, “Driving On The Rim.” _____ 1. Visual democracy − Where I see everything as equal − Equally beautiful and equally interesting. 2. Visual democracy − Where the city is as lush as the forest; Where a stone is as alive as any flower; And where the soil is just as beautiful as the sky. 3. Visual democracy − Where still life is just as exciting as motion; Where height, width and depth, are equal partners with each other; And where black and white are just as expressive as color. 4. Visual democracy − Where the dot is equal to the circle; Where the zero is equal to any number; And where the minus is equal to the plus.
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5. Visual democracy − Where everything has an equal share of beauty And an equal claim to my interest and attention. 6. Visual democracy − Where the crusty protective shell is as complex and beautiful As the soft and breathing organs that it protects. 7. Visual democracy − Where both the artist and the scientist Make equal contributions and have equal say. 8. Visual democracy − Where the poor are as rich in character and complexity as the rich And the rich as helpless and unfortunate as the poor. 9. Visual democracy − Where the mound is just a mirror image of the hole, Where the heart and mind work as one, And where life and duty are equal reflections of the other. 10. Visual democracy − Where everything has an equal claim to beauty And an equal claim on me. *****
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y Life Without Burdens 2-20-2011 The burdens of life give us substance. _____ 1. Life often pits us against So many formidable challenges That can cripple our minds And sink our spirits to their lowest depths. It also places heavy burdens on our shoulders That weigh us down and test us to our limits. 2. Though not pleasant while we’re struggling through them When we look back at what we’ve endured We can see all the character That they’ve instilled in us And the insight into our souls That we’ve gained − If we survive. 3. A life without challenges Is a shallow life. And a life without burdens Has no substance. *****
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y Farm Food (Manila) (3 am) 5-8-2011 Exaggerated comments about the food on the Paniza farm. _____ 1. Green beans, cooked almost black And that tasted like leather. 2. Vegetables, brutalized Until they were almost unrecognizable. 3. Pork, cooked so long That it became hard and tasteless. 4. Fish, that was as salty As if it never left the sea. 5. Fruit, that was bruised And all mushy and discolored.
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6. Beef, that was hard and sinewy And had to be chewed forever. 7. Jack Fruit, that the Filipinos love But that I found bitter and almost inedible. 8. Bananas, that were so sweet You’d think you were eating candy for breakfast. 9. Fried eggs, that were so greasy That they slid all over the plate. 10. Hard boiled eggs, cooked so long That you couldn’t peel them without destroying them. 11. Little fried crabs, that were considered delicacies by the locals But that looked like something out of a science fiction movie. 12. Broth soup with vegetables That tasted like swill. 13. Not many choices of drinks, like soda or juice But rather mostly just plain water.
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14. Rice however, was one of the few things that I could eat − So long as I gave it a good dose of soy sauce And didn’t ask what those little black things were. 15. The servants kept trying to make me things that I might like But all with disappointing results − for the both of us. 16. Like a POW, I ate just what I had to eat to stay alive And often went to bed hungry and dreaming of food. 17. It was a hard 5 days on the farm − Not so good for my appetite But great for my diet. *****
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y A Soft Retreat (Getting Closer To The King) (Tokyo) 5-27-2011 Falling back is not necessarily a retreat. _____ 1. A soft retreat May be as strategically important As any hard-won victory. 2. Not pulling back sometimes − Not retreating a bit to solidify your gains Or reposition your forces − Can be just as detrimental As an outright battle lost. 3. Feeling the need and pressure to feed and appease Either your leaders or the masses With a constant flow of real or forced victories Will often lose the war for you. 4. Don’t ever think there’s any dishonor In falling back Or ordering a soft strategic retreat If it furthers the cause.
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5. Don’t ever think that every move in a war Must be classified as either a win or a loss For many moves, including soft retreats May simply be tactical maneuvers That are not neither losses or retreats. 6. War, in many respects is just a business − A business of cumulative wins, losses, and tactical maneuvers None of which should be considered individually or in isolation But rather, only in conjunction with each other And in the context of winning the war. And most importantly Nothing should ever be taken personally. 7. There’s no shame or error in a soft, strategic retreat Just as there’s no shame or error In sacrificing a pawn − If it gets you closer to the King. *****
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My Jokes Don’t Work So Well Anymore 3-26-2010 Prudently trying for a good ending. _____ 1. I used to tell some really great jokes Which had my audiences busting at the seams And always commenting, “Where does he get them all?” 2. But now my jokes Don’t seem to work as well anymore − Not like they used to anyway. I must be slipping or losing my touch. Perhaps my delivery isn’t as polished as it used to be. Or maybe my material is getting stale. Or maybe I’m just getting old. 3. Whatever the case may be I’ve got to think about Either changing my act Or quitting while I’m ahead − And definitely Before I’m booed off stage.
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4. I’ve got to think about retiring While my reputation’s still in tack. I’ve got to think about Salvaging all the good old memories Before they’re all replaced By a lot of new and painful ones. I’ve got to save all those old posters Of my past performances Before they’re all torn down Or pasted over. 5. I want to fondly remember, Taking all those slow, deep, and gratifying bows − With the audience applauding loudly − Rather than slinking away behind the curtains Of my last bad performance Amid dead silence or a raft of boos. I want to remember those bouquets of flowers That were thrown at my feet Rather than ducking A barrage of eggs and tomatoes. 6. I’ve got to think about a proper ending to my career And a gracious and honorable exit off the stage. I've got to think about my grand finale − About retiring as the reigning champ − About a good farewell As opposed to good riddance − Before it’s too late. ***** 29
y She Cried When She Saw It (To Bich-Thuy) 4-23-1968 Thuy lived such a sheltered life. _____ 1. As soon as she saw it − The frog’s leg Crushed and matted to the ground − Run over by a car – She cried. 2. It spun around and around In a painful semi-circle Hissing in reproach of us. 3. Its throat and stomach bulged − In and out, in and out, it pulsed As it arched and twisted hopelessly With its leg still anchored to the ground. It was very angry − And very close to death.
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4. It had accepted its fate And was ready to die Alone and madly proud And that’s all the angry dignity and privacy That it was asking for. It didn’t need or want our sympathy Or our interference. 5. When she saw it She began to cry And I quickly turned her head away To shield her from that painful sight − A sight that this very sheltered girl Wasn’t accustomed to. 6. She was all too virgin sensitive For such things as this So reality and the world Would just have to wait Until she was ready. *****
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y It Felt Like A Home Should Feel (On Stella) 10-30-1969 Written after coming back from Tom Scanlon’s apartment in Queens, New York to Stella’s apartment in Manhattan. (Tom was a drinking buddy of mine.) _____ 1. After a night out with the boys. I remember coming “home” to you − To your apartment on East 22nd Street In New York City. 2. When I arrived you were asleep But you woke up and were so glad to see me And to know that I’d gotten back safely Which made me feel both good and special. 3. Soon afterwards We were sleeping in each other’s arms.
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4. In the morning we had a little breakfast together − Which was barely enough for two. I was almost glad we didn’t have so much As it taught me something About sacrifice and sharing − About togetherness − And about what’s really important in life. 5. Not thinking of yourself Is a hard thing to do Except When you’re in love. *****
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y My Two Nemeses: My Personality And My Attitude. 9-19-2013 Praying for the conversions of these mischievous twins. _____ 1. My Personality and my Attitude about life Have been my two roguish twins − My constant opponents Who have had as their singular objective To heckle and torment me. 2. They always seem to act in unison Always making one-upmanship suggestions As to how best to annoy and conflict me. 3. They just love to work together Reinforcing one another Which seems to double their pleasure. 4. It’s hard for me to counter them Much less win them over to my side For it’s a formidable two-against-one situation.
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5. So I can only hope that someday They’ll see the error of their ways On their own And come to realize That it might be more rewarding for them To help me Rather than hurt me − To work with me Rather than against me. 6. Oh how I pray that someday They’ll see the light and change their ways And give me some relief. Oh how I pray For their conversions. *****
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y But Then My Personality Shows Up 10-21-2013 The spoiler always shows up. _____ 1. Sometimes things go well for me For a certain period of time That feeds me with the unaccustomed hope That things have changed for me − But then my personality shows up And ruins it all. 2. Why can’t this party pooper spoiler in me Just stay undercover And let me enjoy life a little bit? Why does it seem to get so much pleasure Out of raining on my parade? 3. Why does my personality always have to show up And ruin it all? Hasn’t it got anything better to do? Or is it just That plain old mean? *****
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y How Come? 11-23-2013 About my pessimism. _____ 1. What’s with me? What’s in my genes? What was in my upbringing That makes me gravitate To the more negative side of things? 2. Why do I see thunderstorms instead of rainbows, Grizzly bears instead of teddy bears, Pain instead of pleasure, Doom and gloom instead of hope and inspiration, Punishment instead of reward And regret instead of satisfaction. 3. What’s with me? How come I shy away from sunlight And take refuge in the shadows? How come? How come? *****
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Don’t Worry, It’ll All Be Over With 11-27-2013 An ironic hope for the future. _____ 1. Don’t worry so much about Your aches and pains, Your disappointments and frustrations, The difficulties of trying to make ends meet, The painful loss of loved ones, And all the other trials and worries of life. 2. Don’t worry For hope is on the horizon In that one day Life will end And it’ll all be over with. *****
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y Rejection (On The Insurance Business) 4-22-2014 Rejection is hard to take. _____ 1. Selling insurance is a hard business And full of rejection. Although I tried to prepare myself For all the rejection that might be involved I wholly underestimated it. 2. And despite how successful I am In not letting most of those 99 out of 100 rejections get to me And in being able to recover from those that did get to me It’s taking a lot out of me Both mentally and physically And something that requires me to give myself Continuous pep-talks in order to keep going. 3. But I haven’t given up yet And will keep on trying For it’s a business that I’ve always wanted to try And that’s still in my system.
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4. But while I’m trying to adjust to it It’s becoming more and more clear That I’m just not cut out for this cold-calling And rejection-filled business Of selling insurance. 5. Also each rejection is especially hard for me Because I take it personally And despite all my efforts I just can’t get it to roll off my back Like water off a duck’s back. 6. Rejections are also especially hard for me Because I count them as failures That I add on to all the others. 7. I’ve got to continue trying though Until: I succeed, I completely fail, Or I get this new business experiment Out of my system. *****
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y Life Is Measured In Heartbeats (Each One Is A Gold Coin) 5-7-2014 A way to measure your life. _____ 1. Every living creature is given The exact same number of heartbeats in life So the faster the heartbeat The faster they’re used up And the shorter their life is. 2. A sparrow uses up its heartbeats fast So it only lives for about 4 years Whereas we use up our heartbeats more slowly And therefore live for maybe 80 years, give or take. 3. So measure your life in terms of heartbeats And keep a good count of them Always being mindful of how many you have left And spending each one of them As if it were a gold coin. *****
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y The Hair That Came Alive 11-2-2014 Watching a little hair slither down the drain. _____ 1. I saw it drop into the bathroom sink. It was a dry hair when it fell But as soon as it hit the moisture Along the side of the sink It came alive With a contorted burst of life − Like it was dropped-born from some animal. 2. Then it began to slither around like a snake Down the side of the basin Propelled by each drop or slick of water it encountered − Sliding as if it were on a water sled Always changing its shape − First into a U shape, Then an S shape, Then a sine wave shape, And then a V shape.
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3. And as it moved and slithered It was always aiming for the drain As if it were a snake Trying to find a hiding place And escape its open vulnerability. 4. I mostly just watch the action. But sometimes I get involved By throwing a little more water on it To see what shape it might assume And how much faster I might get it to slither. 5. It’s become my fun little morning game When I’m shaving That helps me wake up And gives me an amusing introduction To the reality of the day That I’m about to enter. 6. It’s now my morning entertainment − Watching the strands of my hair come alive As they fall off my head and into the sink − Which at my age I can always depend on having A steady supply. *****
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y Like A Dog Shaking Water Off Itself 11-2-2014 Observations on a gusty Fall wind. _____ 1. It’s gusty today − And with each gust of wind The trees shook violently Causing their leaves to fly off In all different directions. 2. And as I looked out the window Watching all that shaking And leaves flying everywhere It looked to me just like a dog Shaking water off itself. 3. Oh the little things That dreamers and poets see in things And the analogies they make. *****
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If It Weren’t For His Books 9-15-2011 Escapism and creating an alter-life. _____ 1. He got up in the morning And made himself some coffee, bread and butter. And as he ate He squeezed in a little more reading Picking up where he’d left off the night before. 2. He finds refuge in his books − Refuge from the real world − The world that he’s about to enter A few minutes from now And the world that he’s gone into For the millionth time. 3. He was never comfortable in the real world For they made fun of him there − Seemingly innocent fun to them perhaps But cruel fun to him − Picking on his vulnerabilities Which were very easy to spot.
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4. He was defenseless And always left himself wide open. He couldn’t stand up to anyone. And when he did He was unimpressive and ineffective. And whenever he went on the offensive It just seemed to make things worse. 5. Whatever slights were made of him − And as innocent as they might be − They’d always find their way Straight to his tender heart Because he always took them so personally. 6. His heart was always on the run But could never hide. And no matter how hard he tried To throw them off-track They’d still find their way to him As if they knew the way by heart. 7. It was actually easy for them To find their way to his heart For all they had to do Was to follow that well-beaten path That was made by all of his prior hurts.
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8. But he wasn’t completely defenseless though Or without any resources For he had his books And at the end of the day He would go to his room Close the door on the real world And open the door to his fantasy world By opening the covers of his books. 9. Through his fantasy world of books He could put aside his daily hurts and failures And the brooding and the second guessing of himself. He could mitigate the real world And sometimes almost deny its very existence. 10. Through his books He could make a decent ending to his day, Help himself get through the night, And muster up enough courage to face tomorrow. 11. And further, through his books He could imagine himself away from his real world And be in any country, Be in any scene, And be any character that he chose.
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12. Through his books He could look away from that scary mask That the real world Always wore for him. 13. Through his books He could find some refuge from the outside world And secure himself a life − A life that he couldn’t have otherwise − A life that was at least A life. *****
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y Sunshine 9-25-2011 The gift and magic of sunshine. _____ 1. Sunshine − Peering through the blades of grass And chasing every crawling bug That was trying to hide. 2. Sunshine − Flooding through the trees Making flickering peek-a-boo strobes of light With every rustle of their leaves. 3. Sunshine − Baking that big granite rock Until it was warm enough to serve As a little furnace In the chilly night to come. 4. Sunshine − Making little crystal balls Out of every dew drop on the lawn.
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5. Sunshine − Slowly erasing the memory Of yesterday’s dark night. 6. Sunshine − Making sparklers out of every a fallen beach wave As it fans out across the sand. 7. Sunshine − Waking up the world With the gentle touch of its light. 8. Sunshine − Feeding the Earth, one hemisphere at a time Like hungry baby birds waiting their turn. 9. Sunshine − Stroking the Earth Like a mother would her child. 10. Sunshine − Always looking at its watch And checking for the time that it has left.
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11. Sunshine − Always moving But never making a sound. 12. Sunshine − The giver and nurturer of life That keeps us all alive. 13. Sunshine − Painting everything in color That used to be black and white. 14. Sunshine − Drowsy new-born yellow in the morning, Brilliant white at noon, And sleepy orange at dusk. 15. Sunshine − The birth of a brand new day And a fresh new start For everything. *****
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y Straight to Old? (What Happened To My In-Between?) 10-23-2011 Missing the biggest portion of one’s life. _____ 1. Sometimes I feel That I went straight from being Young To being Old And seemed to have missed Whatever was In-Between. 2. I remember my Beginning And I know where I am Now But I can’t seem to remember What was In Between. 3. How could so much of me and my Past Have just gone missing? How could I have lost my In-Between And that I so sorely need To see where I’ve been and what I’ve done And to help me gauge How much Future I have left?
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4. Did I actually lose my In-Between Or was it somehow erased Either inadvertently? Or on purpose? Or did I give it away? Was it stolen? Or did I just misplace it? These are the scary questions That I just don’t have the answers to. 5. Going from being Young Straight to being Old And completely skipping over my In-Between − How could that have happened? How could I have lost The largest part of my life − My In-Between? 6. My In-Between Might have been good Or it might have been bad So there’s always a worry as to what I might find When and if I do find it. So perhaps I should just leave things as they are For you never know what you might find When you turn over a rock.
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7. But despite the risk I’ve got to take my chances And look for my In-Between For I just can’t leave things as they are − Going straight from Young to Old With nothing In-Between. *****
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y Addicted To Both (Music And Poetry) 11-13-2011 Music is safer than poetry. _____ 1. Words can often be as pointed as an arrow So poetry can be a dangerous medium of expression. 2. Music on the other hand Is a safer and more neutral medium of expression Having less of the pointedness that poetry has And therefore posing less threat, offence or harm to anyone. 3. With music While you may hate the song, you rarely hate its composer. But with poetry When you hate the poem, you always hate its author. 4. I wish that I could play it completely safe And chose music as my only medium of expression But unfortunately I’m addicted to both. *****
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y Afraid At Sea Again (A Night Sail In Brazil) 8-30-2001 The painting I have of a lonely night-sail up the coast of Brazil on my 22 foot sailboat “Afimar” resurfaces the fear I had that night. (I created the name “Afimar” by combining two Portuguese words: “afim”, meaning “close to” and “mar”, meaning “the sea”, to collectively mean “close to the sea.”) _____ 1. I have a painting in my room Of the sail boat that I owned When I lived in Brazil Which I named, “Afimar.” 2. The painting shows This small and fragile 22 foot sailboat Sailing 65 miles up the unlit Brazilian coast From Rio de Janeiro to Cabo Frio In the dark and choppy Atlantic Ocean At 2 am on a black and moonless night.
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3. I was alone With no charts, compass, radio or navigation lights And had to shine a flashlight on my sails In order to be seen by other boats. I was scared and worried That I wouldn’t make it. 4. After sailing for more than 20 hours And being awake for 35 I was so exhausted That I began to hallucinate. 5. Then I saw the Cabo Frio light! It was like a light from Heaven And the answer to my prayers. Though I was still many miles away I felt that I’d been saved. 6. To this day Whenever I see that painting I relive the fear I had During that long and lonely sail And the sense of relief I felt When I finally saw that glorious beam of light That rescued me from that scary, scary night. *****
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y In Your Blue Eyes (To Sharon) 8-2-1960 Sharon Gagliardo was an Italian/Norwegian and my first love. (She lived in a 5 story walk-up tenement on Nostrand and Rogers Avenues in the East Flatbush section of Brooklyn where I lived.) ______ 1. When I look into your eyes I see your little heart crouched down in there Hiding, cowering and scared And fiercely guarding all the secrets that within it lie All of which with me you’re so hesitant to share. 2. All the hopes and dreams that are in my heart and soul I see within your soft and deep blue eyes. And to give you all my love is my sincere and open goal Which I pray that you’ll accept before it dies. *****
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y See The Sun Rise 8-8-1960 Breaking the chill. _____ 1. Did you ever see the sun rise And how it dissipates the mist and clouds? Did you ever notice How it paints so beautifully All the colors on the earth and in the sky? Have you ever seen it? Have you ever noticed it In just that kind of way as I? 2. Have you ever felt the sunrise Warming up the morning chill That had kept the whole world frozen The night before? Have you ever felt it In just that way? Have you ever In just that kind of way as I? *****
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y When Substance Is Gone (A Sonnet) 8-12-1960 Exposing too much risks destroying its essence. _____ The sea is filled with dark and heavy secrets So much so that no man will ever know its full extent. To give its secrets up, the sea will not be bent For if it were to relinquish all its mysteries and its secret holdings Its essence would be compromised and no longer be as magnificent As so much of its former splendor would have been sadly spent. That once vast and all-powerful sea would no longer bring To the hearts of men the mythology that it once did. No longer would it be so majestic and supreme. And no longer could it demand the same respect For there’d be so much less of it to give, and rather, instead It would become a shallow pool with little of its prior depth seen. And do this to any man and he would fare the same For when his substance is given away he might as well be dead. *****
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y Between The Two (The Country And The City) 10-16-1960 My preference for the city over the country. _____ 1. What a difference between the two: The country, yours, and the city, mine; Where one is green and the other’s gray And in between the two, lies a giant aperture. 2. The country is so green and fresh with dew On each and every blade of grass and pine; And the spanning fields of flowers gently sway To the song and rhythm of the wind that they so much adore. 3. And look at all the regal trees and how stately they grew − The maple, chestnut, birch and pine − And the many more that are too numerous here to say That are spread out across the land from shore to shore. 4. Brooks forever running and lakes of the deepest blue All make up the lovely pattern of God’s design And act out their roles in nature’s play With each one having its own beautiful and special chore.
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5. The mountains stand tall in their granite review All gracefully aged by time And who’ve retained their beauty to this day With their heads in Heaven and their feet in their earthy floors. 6. Plant life and shrubbery complete the view − Thick in some places while in others thin and fine. It’s such a beautiful and sweet array That no admirer could ask for more. 7. While I can’t deny the country’s lovely virtue The city’s in my blood and so I’m more inclined To make my home within its bounds and to always stay Close to all its massive man-made structures. 8. The buildings are my mountains with their towering views. The streets are my fields all hard-aligned. And the street lights are my trees that never sway. Everything about the city has its own special and strange allure. 9. I cannot live away from this glass and concrete brew As I’m woven into its fabric and caught in its magnetic bind. So here I live and here I’ll stay As an indivisible part of the city and all its wondrous store. *****
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Goal − Perfection 11-4-1960 Man will only achieve a fragment of perfection. _____ 1. Perfection is the goal of every man But such a noble quest is all in vain For at the end of all our futile efforts is only Imperfection. 2. Although long and hard we try our best And despite the greatest of persistence We’ll unfortunately never reach any state That’s anywhere near Perfection. 3. So we’ll just have to be content With whatever fragment of it we can grasp Of this teasing and elusive thing we call Perfection. *****
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y We Are Such Simple Things 12-27-1961 On the insignificance of man as seen from a distance. _____ 1. When I look at people From a distance, mostly − And even up close sometimes − I can’t help but feel That they’re just silly little creatures Doing silly little, primitive and routine things Composed of repetitious motions That have little redeeming purposes. 2. For example, when I see a building being built As tall and grand as it may be I see it only as another simple-minded exercise Of little real significance − Just another little box to hovel in. 3. We’re just simple little insect-like creatures Doing simple little things. *****
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I’ll Never Know (To Sharon) 10-27-1962 In many ways I could never reach Sharon. _____ I guess that you, my love, will always tell me, “No” And never share the things about you that I’d like to know. I guess you’ll always hold yourself away from me, so much so, That you’ll starve this love of mine and sadly never let it grow. *****
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y I, Condemned 11-24-1962 Not realizing the magnitude of what was at stake. _____ 1. I had a dream last week That’s hard to talk about For in my dream I was condemned And handed down The harshest of all sentences. 2. I was forced to surrender Just like Adam and Eve All the beauty and the freedom That I’d enjoyed before. 3. And I, like they Never knew that I was being tested − Tested for my strength and worthiness − And I, like they Never knew how much, Was really at stake. *****
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y Mist Upon My Face 12-6-1962 Walking on Chambers Street in New York City. (Written after classes at the Downtown Division of Fordham University located in an old loft building. I had classes from 7 to 12, ate a sandwich from home, then worked from 12 to 7 as a messenger.) _____ As I walked In the autumn morning’s cool embrace I delighted In the nearly invisible rainy mist That gently fell upon my face. *****
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y Fashion A Humble Peace 2-4-1963 Even amidst turmoil you can still find peace. _____ 1. Despite all of life’s trials and tribulations And all the incessant shuns And frivolities that never seem to cease You should never give up on your search for inner peace. 2. Despite all of life’s many hard distractions With effort and determination You can fashion a humble peace for yourself and obtain relief From all your troubles and consternations And achieve that elusive and so sought after inner peace. *****
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y Sit Down, Sir 6-30-1963 A mysterious personal gift is accepted. _____ 1. “Here, at this place reserved for you by a name unknown, Please sit down on this your special eve.” “Please sit down, sir” he said, “And eat and drink with cheer For it’s all an honest gift to you and not any kind of loan That hopefully you will accept and enjoy before you leave.” 2. There was a table adorned with linen white And flowers in a vase. Rich and stately silverware Was also set for the honored guest that night Who was in awe and almost in a daze Which was reflected in his bewildered stare. 3. The dinner was all a mystery to him As to its reason and who was his host. What could he have done To deserve all this, just for one? Was it a joke or just a curious whim? Whatever it was it was the most That anyone had ever done for him.
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4. And even as he took his seat, he had yet to discover Who it was that was behind this gracious favor. But knowing that there would never be another Gift like this again he partook of it to its fullest savor. *****
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y The State Of Eternity 7-10-1963 We only get clues about the eternity we’re in. _____ 1. I could only vaguely hear a Voice coming from afar − But too far to understand with any of my weak earthly Senses. I could only hear whispers behind Heaven’s door left slightly ajar But not ajar enough to fully hear or understand their essences. 2. And as much as I strained I still could not discern Much of anything from those whispers About the things in life I yearned To know, that might fill my soul’s nearly empty cistern. 3. The Eternity we’re in is a continuously changing State And within its precincts everything’s in flux Making Life so difficult to understand. And so it is our Fate To have to grope our way to God and His Golden Crux. 4. So for now, in this our sable and most confusing time and age We can never fully understand or participate In the Essence of the Universe for we only have the puny gauges Of our impish Minds to find our way and improve our sorry states. *****
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y High Above Manhattan 7-12-1963 A failure to identify with things that become distant. (Written when visiting New York City.) _____ 1. From this vantage point up high Amidst Park Avenue’s structured walls I see and hear thousands of speeding and honking cars. And from this high and central view I also spy The red and green circles of the traffic lights that rise and fall To control the constant crisscrossing flow of cars. 2. In the day, the sun reflects off all the windshields in blinding glows Turning them into flashing signal mirrors whose transmissions Are all random and absent of any discernible pattern. And at night, the street lamps go on in fixed and blazing rows Just as the stars light up for their nightly processions And stare at us as they steadily burn. 3. And strangely, from way up here I find My opinion of my fellow man and their scurrying lives That I now see so far below me, somehow degrades into a kind Of apathy towards them, due to my distance from them, that grinds Away the prior empathy I had for their worries and their drives. And as I try to identify with them I can’t, for way up here I find That my kinship with them no longer seems to have its prior bind. *****
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y Bowing To Sleep 7-27-1963 You can fight sleep for just so long. _____ The moon tonight has a lovely orange hue And is hanging low just above the tree tops within my view. And in my dark and heavy study, my weakened mind Is trying hard to keep its strength alive and not to bind Itself for lack of Sleep, which is vying for Her natural due. Confusing thoughts plague my mind As exhaustion almost makes it stall As Sleep persists to press and call. Ultimately though, even the strongest and most determined mind Cannot for long fight Her by trying to keep Awake, and must humbly bow and yield to Sleep. *****
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y A Pleading Impression (To Judy) 1-1-1964 She was trying to tell me something. _____ 1. Three days ago I sat and talked awhile With a girl and her mother who lived down the street from me. It won’t mean much to whomever reads this file For its worth is only relevant to me. 2. She asked her mother to leave us, somewhat impatiently As if to present to me some urgent and pressing question That she just had to ask me And couldn’t rest until it was done. 3. She trembled, as if afraid to speak her heart. But with her trembling motions, she disclosed even more Than what words could ever cart. Her nervousness clearly showed me That something was burning within her core − Something she was dying to outpour − Something perhaps as deep As the deepest feelings that she ever bore.
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4. Her lips quivered slightly with the fear That I perhaps might not decipher her confusing code. And when she spoke I could easily feel The sorrow in her soul that she’d been dying to unload. 5. There was a desperate look in her azure eyes That windowed something she couldn’t restrain − A kind of pleading for me to recognize Just how deep and reaching was her inner pain. 6. In this her vulnerable state, I could almost touch her inner core. Perhaps her past advances toward me had not been all in vain For I felt more warmth for her than I ever had before − A warmth that I could never before sustain. I felt as though she was trying to release some heavy chains From around her heart and make another try at love before it waned. 7. She seemed to want to tell me that her heart was joined to mine, That she loved me more deeply than I could ever know, And that her love was the best that I would ever find. She seemed to want to tell me all these things before I had to go And convince herself that love still had a chance with me to grow Despite the many times that both Love and Fate had told her “No.” *****
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y Will You Come To Me? (To Gwen) 1-29-1964 Missing Gwen. _____ 1. Will you ever come to me to sooth my pain Or shall my dream for you be all in vain In that your sweet love will never become my gain? 2. And when I breathe your name Shall my ears ever hear your soft refrain Or will only silence and my fated sorrow be my bane? *****
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y True Love Gives Strength (A Sonnet) (To Gwen) 2-16-1964 The power of love. _____ The Lamp of Love needs not But just a little fuel for it to burn. And for the Seed of Love to grow it requires just a simple urn, Some sun and water and a little soily plot. Love as well does not Need any logical basis or past experience from which to learn For Love just accepts what its heart tells it to and yearns To fill its emptiness leaving caution to be all but forgotten. True Love offers strength if weakness it should see. It also never loses Faith even though major faults are found. Love’s a wave that cleanses all impurities. And makes easy any duty to which it’s bound. There, in the noble heights of Love my heart reminds Itself of her, and with this thought the strength it needs, it finds. *****
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y Away From Gwen (To Carol Lee Johnson) (Washington, DC) 11-26-1965 The prospect of Carol’s love made me feel that perhaps I really didn’t love Gwen. But when I realized that I couldn’t have Carol I began to pine for Gwen all over again. _____ 1. I trained my thoughts and arguments all towards A forced and fancied love of Gwen with her long Black hair and eyes of passion-brown rewards And Asian depth. But then, the song My heart had sung for her was replaced and gone. 2. Now the song I sung was for Carol, of pure blonde hair Big blue eyes and ballroom elegance for it was then, After first seeing her, that she quickly snared My heart away from Gwen. 3. But then, everything reversed itself and my heart did leap Away from Carol when her love for me I could not stir. And so, with her loss, my wounded heart did again to Gwen refer. Oh how fickle and unsteady is my heart for any single love to keep. *****
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y I Reminisce 1-21-1966 Always regretting. _____ The air seems cold tonight As it gusts into every cavern of my heart. And as I reminisce about my errors and my ills I’m stormed with sadness and regret. *****
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y Recurring In My Mind (To Gwen) 1-29-1966 Recurring thoughts about Gwen. _____ 1. My heart is fumbling once again, as I find Your memory still lingering in my mind. 2. Subtle and untimely urgings usurp my peace As they draw me back and to your love again. 3. My ears hear your soothing voice And my eyes see your darling face And all my senses tell me That you are near. ****
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y A Black Night Fog (Thoughts At Sea) 8-15-1966
A feeling about an ocean fog. (Written aboard the USS Mc Morris DE 1036 While on a patrol in the North Pacific.) _____ Tonight a thick fog has wrapped itself around the ship That is gently heaving through this black and silent sea. And as it flows, like a liquid current across its slippery decks, Its humid sea-breath seems to be alive and even have a soul. *****
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y She Had Died Sometime Before 6-19-1969 A mind distorted by a loss. _____ 1. I began to write to her, but then remembered That she had died some time ago. 2. We had a date for which I’m very late So in a panic I’m running for the door. 3. I’m very worried that when I see her We’ll have another fight. 4. The minute that we meet though I plan to kiss her hard. But a voice reminded me again That she had died some time ago. 5. My heart is so confused and hurt For it’s hard accepting pain That you only vaguely feel Should be yours. *****
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y Dreaming As The Day Is Paling 6-20-1969 Haunting thoughts. _____ 1. I’m dreaming half awake as the day is paling. Memory after memory is stirring up inside of me And like dust they fill the air And almost choke my breath away. 2. I hear some chanting − Chanting over someone’s death? But whose? But whose? They fail to mention whose. 3. These half-dreams brush against me Sometimes lightly, Sometimes aggressively, And all feel like ghosts. 4. The chants continue But they’re more like moans or pleas That tortured spirits might chant For sympathy or relief.
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5. Whatever or whomever they are They’re eerie and unsettling. Oh how I wish that they would just go away And leave me alone. *****
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y An Incident In Tokyo 12-9-1969 In a small night club in Tokyo, a bar girl/Madam was showing me the erotic “Secret of the Seven Folds” when I saw her gangster pimp fast approaching us with his hand in his pocket. I instinctively turned the table over and swung at him to surprise him, ran through and out of the club and down a flight of metal stairs and into the narrow neon-lit streets never looking back. (It’s a rambling incoherent poem that I wrote on a trip I took through Asia that included Tokyo, Hong Kong, Taipei, Bangkok, Manila and Honolulu, perhaps imagining the results of my being caught.) _____
1. You dreamt the night was just a spark And the day, its mirror image. The clouds had faded And darkness came. 2. You heard a voice − then many others. They were all blurred though And sounded just like crashing surf. With a gasp of hope You think you heard a voice you know − But you can’t be sure.
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3. Then all too soon Everything began to fade And finally disappeared. You’re scared and lost. “Give it up! Give it up!”, you say. 4. The night then brings on a freezing wind. You’re sore and aching And it’s even hard for you to move. You’ve been beaten and you’re bleeding And fresh blood is drying on your face. “How did it happen?”, You ask yourself. 5. You think you’re brave − At least you want to be And want to show it − But you find You’re crying off and on Which gives it all away. *****
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You Can’t Forget The Dream 12-28-1969 The enchantment of dreams. _____ The moon has made a dream for you − A dream you’ve never had before. Although you can’t recall Any of its details You remember the feeling of fear you had Which had burrowed itself Deep into your heart Where forever it will reside. *****
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y Doubling All My Bets 11-14-1998 The risky urge to reverse all past failings. _____ 1. I’m very self-conscious Of everyone and everything around me. I always feel as though I’m on a stage With the whole world watching me And where all my errors are obvious and noticed. 2. Although I hate and fear the stage On the other hand, I’m strangely wooed by it − Tempted by the chance That this time, I just might turn in a good performance And somehow make up for all my prior poor performances. 3. I’m also strangely tempted As gamblers are With the chance to recover all my losses By doubling my bets.
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4. So ironically I find myself waiting for my cue: “One minute to curtain time!” Or For the croupier’s call: “Ladies and gentlemen Please place your final bets!” *****
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y Courage And Inspiration 11-17-1998 Recognizing what you sometimes can’t exactly explain. _____ 1. A man of courage and inspiration Is a person who’s got the heart To fight the malady of malicious thoughts, To counter the idleness that can drain a spirit dead, And to avoid the fallacies of high and feigned morality. 2. He’s a person who’s got the gift To suppress his ego for the sake of others, To fix a broken spirit and bring it back from hopelessness, And to nurse another back to health while risking his own. 3. He’s a person who’s got the talent To be consistent in both his personal and public life, To encourage and appreciate every noble thought and deed, And to reconcile, the elusive trinity of hopes, dreams, and reality. 4. I can’t fully explain it But I know it when I see it. *****
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y I Am At Peace With My Music Tonight 12-7-1998 The feeling I got from playing the music of Franz Liszt. _____ 1. Just having played the Chorales of Liszt I have a calm inside of me this evening For they have moved me In an almost spiritual way. 2. I was stunned into silence As if I were In awe of a deep dense forest − As if I were In the presence of some majestic power. 3. His chorales were a remedy For all the stresses that were on me. 4. Something beautiful and soothing came over me That settled all my current tensions As would a mother’s warm and smiling face Calm her children of all their fears.
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5. I was absorbed into his music − Into a warm and gentle current Of complete and rare contentment. *****
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One Piece Of Music − One And A Million 11-3-1999 One piece of music produces infinite variations. _____ 1. Although it was just a single piece of music It was an eternal fount For with that single piece of music He creates so many variations Each one of which is a brand new piece. 2. His one little piece of music Is a universe unto itself − A universe That’s constantly producing new stars. 3. It’s like a living cell That divides and multiplies itself. 4. He breeds his music. His one and only piece of music Breeds offspring after offspring − Generation after generation − Good stock breeding more good stock.
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5. He writes his music pieces slow and fast. He slows the meter down with 50 variations Then speeds them up with 50 more With each one becoming a freshly written piece. 6. He alternates the measures And with every alteration He creates an entirely different piece. 7. He makes that single little piece Seem to last forever Like a nuclear chain reaction − Perpetual and self-sustaining. 8. He also writes a variation For every mood he feels So his sources are unlimited. 9. One piece may be melodic And the other dissonant All depending On what he’s feeling at the time. 10. He drops or adds a note or phrase. He plays it in a major key, then in a minor key All resulting in an entirely different piece of music.
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11. He adds an introduction or an ending Or repeats some parts And once again it becomes a new creation. 12. He transposes the left hand for the right Then back again. He reworks the meter and rhythm too. And with each little change It becomes just a little different But different enough To qualify as a new piece of music. 13. And by slightly varying its syncopation He makes a hundred pieces more. And when he adds his voice as counterpoint He creates another hundred more. 14. While his new creations May not be any better than his last They’re all different And different enough sometimes To almost make them seem Like they’d been written By a completely different person − Yes, he’s that good.
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15. Each piece is like a child of his And collectively they’re all his children. And though each child is different He loves them all equally As all good fathers do. 16. He’s busy every night Working on his next variation And his works are constantly multiplying. And with the massive base of music That he’s already accumulated The potential for new pieces Through variations of them Nears infinity Assuring him That he’ll be busy For the rest of his life. *****
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y Is Vanity My Drummer? 5-23-2000 There are many motives underlying my writing. _____ 1. Is vanity the drummer in my boat? − The sergeant of my march? Is it such a basic thing as this That stirs me on And keeps me in This hard demanding cadence? 2. Am I striving for Noble and artistic accomplishment? Or something as base, vain and simple As pure recognition? 3. Like everything in life Our drives and motivations Are composed of Both the noble and the base.
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4. The question is: How much of each? And what’s the proper proportion? And this is the question I’m always asking myself. 5. Is vanity the drummer of my boat? Or is it something More noble? 6. Trial after trial I pace the outlines of my cell Waiting for the verdict. *****
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y My Chariot Away 9-9-2000 My piano means so much to me. (After a few drinks, this impromptu poem just flowed out of me.) _____ 1. I looked at my piano And its sitting bench And imagined it as my chariot Awaiting my arrival. 2. My piano, My relief, My companion, My escape − My chariot, away! *****
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It’s The Only Thing We Have 9-9-2000 Inconsequential yet consequential. _____ 1. Compared to the massive Universe Our tiny little world − Our single little grain of sand On an infinitely large sea of sand – Is inconsequential And for all intents and purposes Completely irrelevant to the Cosmos. 2. But since it’s the only thing we have It’s completely relevant to us And by extension It’s therefore the only thing That’s really relevant. 3. Sometimes even good logic Can have us Turning in circles. *****
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y I Never Saw It Coming (On Nancy Salomons) 9-24-2000 I often sat looking out of my front porch in Brooklyn. On this occasion I saw Eddie Flaherty kissing Nancy, an old girlfriend of mine which made me a little jealous even though I was never really enamored with her. _____ 1. I often sit In the front porch of my house In the dark Looking out Onto East 42nd Street in Brooklyn. 2. The porch was my secret perch – My crow’s nest − From where I would observe the outside world. It was also where I did a lot of my thinking. 3. And while looking out one night At about 1 am I saw this guy Eddie Flaherty Kissing my girl, Nancy Salomons − Kissing my girl!
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4. Shining beads of ice were hanging off The branches of the trees. Shadows, created by the moon, Were swaying Back and forth across the wall behind me As though they were alive − Representing All the troubled thoughts That were turning in my head. 5. “She and Eddie?”, I asked myself, “How could that be? And how come I never saw it coming?” *****
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y Set The Score To Zero 10-4-2000 Wishing to change the rules. _____ 1. For every three people I meet One becomes my friend And two become my enemy. It seems that way sometimes. 2. New enemies are bad enough But old ones are worse For they’re much more experienced, and wily. 3. With results like this − With only 1 out of 3 becoming a friend − I wish I could somehow change the rules, Set the score to zero, And start the game all over again. *****
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y Dark And Somber Music 10-7-2000 I like the sad, dark and heavy music that many don’t like. _____ 1. The high and lonesome sound of Bluegrass music Ringing through the mountains of Appalachia. 2. The haunting Celtic and Scottish tunes Rolling through the chilly heathers of their origins. 3. This is the music with which I identify. This is my White soul-music And the music that best represents my roots. 4. This sad and heavy music Also best reflects my temperament and moods. It’s the kind of music That has the character, feeling and emotion That stirs me. It’s the music of sad and lonesome souls With moving stories of their everyday lives, Their woes and worries, And the tragedies that befall them.
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5. Oh, how I love Sad, heavy and melancholy music For it touches me Like no other music can. Oh, how I identify With dark, sad and heavy music. *****
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y The Best Music Is Chamber Music 10-7-2000 The purest music is played by small ensembles. _____ 1. For me A piece of music should have one − Or at the most two − Lines of simple melody That are moving And easy to understand. 2. Symphonic music On the other hand Is often too long, Too busy, Too heavy, Too confusing, Too competitive, Too overpowering For any struggling melody to succeed.
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3. Duos to quintets Are the best for me For they’re the perfect size and combination That allow each instrument And their attending melodies To complement Rather than compete with one another Or over-power the other Like symphonic orchestras often do. 4. Chamber music is the best. Anything larger or more complex Is just too much and too busy for me. 5. It’s often been said That “less is more” And I agree And that’s exactly why Chamber music Is best for me. *****
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y Sparks Off A Grinding Wheel (My Writing And Editing Process) 11-2-2000 My editing could go on forever. _____ 1. The thoughts and moods for all my poems Fly out of me Like sparks off a grinding wheel. 2. I must therefore be quick to catch them And get them down on paper Before they die. 3. Once on paper I must convert those ember thoughts Into words And then make the words Say what I want them to say And then give them the meter That will make them flow poetically.
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4. Then the editing process begins To make them as communicative as possible Which can be quite a lengthy process For every time I read my verses I make change after change – Edit after edit − Never being fully satisfied with them. 5. And even when I think I’m done And have made What I think is my “final read” And my “final edit” I find I still want to make more changes. 6. On and on it goes Constantly making changes. 7. At some point I know I have to stop. But even when I do I’m never at rest with myself For I always have the nagging feeling That it’s still not right and could be better – That nagging feeling That it’s still – Unfinished. *****
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y My Most Important Things 12-3-2000 The most important symbolic things in my life. _____ 1. What are the things That are most important to me? They are: My family, My music, My writings, My books, And my collections. 2. There’s also my love and fascination With history, nature and science. 3. And yes, of course My coffee and my wine. 4. And last But certainly not least − Is my privacy. *****
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y Thunder In My Head 1-19-2001 Pressure from the things I want to get done. _____ 1. My mind is working so hard That I can’t get any rest And the vision of any respite Is just a cruel mirage. 2. My mind is like a thundering waterfall With all the personal things I want to get done And leave behind to the ones I love. 3. Thunder. Thunder. Thunder in my head. 4. Although all the personal work I do is rewarding And gives me a sense of purpose and accomplishment I can’t say that it’s fun and or relaxing For it creates this continuous Thunder in my head.
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5. Thunder. Thunder. Thunder in my head. *****
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y The Theater Of It All 2-25-2001 The theater is more important than the play itself. _____ 1. I come to church primarily for: The music, The beautiful stained-glass windows, The intricate wooden carvings and statues, And the majestic cathedral ceilings that almost reach the sky. These are the things that bring me here. 2. It’s not the Mass itself, Or the readings, Or the sermons that I like In fact, I almost loathe those things Because they seem so boring and out of touch And because the performers seem to me As though they’re just “going through the motions”. 3. Rather It’s the theater of it all that appeals to me. Rather It’s the ambiance that I like.
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4. What touches me as well Is the powerful and mystical thought of a Jesus And the concept of an almighty spiritual God in Heaven. 5. These are the other catalysts That stimulate my mind and heart And bring me here to church. 6. It’s not the Mass Or anything religious like that That appeals to me. It’s less about the play And rather More about the stage. It’s rather More about The theater of it all. *****
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y I Never Promised You Anything 5-27-2001 A promise implied? _____ 1. I never promised you anything. And the hurt you got For my not falling in love with you Was not something I did on purpose But rather only something That just happened. 2. While I’m sorry for the way it ended Please don’t put the blame on me For I really never promised you anything. 3. And if it’s any consolation to you The hurt that came to you Also came to me For I too had high hopes for our love Just like you. *****
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The Petals On A Flower − The Planets In The Sky (Coincidence?) 7-21-2001 The structural symmetry of everything. _____ 1. Each flower on a stem And each pedal of a flower Is a little Universe unto itself Each as complex, vast, intricate And similarly structured As the Grand Universe itself Only on a smaller scale − Worlds, within worlds. (Coincidence?) 2. Each pedal is composed of atoms With each atom Having a nuclei and orbiting electrons That look exactly like The planetary structure of our solar system With its nuclei sun and planets orbiting around it Which is also The exact same structure Of all the galaxies, And the entire Universe itself. (Coincidence?)
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3. It’s so curious the way this is − Where everything in the Universe Both large and small, Close and distant, Visible and invisible, Micro and macro, Is structured in patterns That are more or less the same And in almost perfect symmetry to each other. (Coincidence?) (Or design?) *****
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y I Must Push On In Secret (Prejudicially In The Way) 7-22-2001 The urgency and secrecy of my poems. _____ 1. I’m driven to collect, organize and edit All my poems And because of that I’m facing over 50 years of backlog! 2. Why am I so driven? It’s as if I were in a race with Death To get all my projects completed before I go; It’s as if I feel they’ll represent The essence and meaning of my entire life; It’s as if they’ll be my epitaph – All of which may be true. 3. To date I’ve kept my writings a secret For in many ways I don’t feel they’re good enough.
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4. It’s also because They contain a lot of sensitive and personal information About myself and my personality That I hesitate to reveal For the risk That they won’t be understood or sympathized with Or may even be rejected or scoffed at Which would poke a hole in my heart. 5. I’ve also kept them a secret Because I feel That if I were to make them public While I’m alive They might be judged More subjectively, than objectively − Judged more by my personality, than by their content. 6. If I were to make them public While I’m alive It might be like Taking the stand in my own defense Where I’d run the risk Of turning the jury against me. 7. It might be best therefore To keep them secret until I’m gone And I’m no longer Prejudicially in the way.
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8. And with respect again To the urgency of getting them done There’s another reason for that urgency And that’s because I’m holding off writing any new poems Until I get the old ones finished. 9. So, with all the ideas and notes That I’ve been collecting For the new poems that I want to write Building in number And clamoring for release The clock is ticking And the pressure’s on. *****
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y That Female Filipina Smile (Iloilo, Philippines) 8-15-2001 I was people-watching at a mall in Iloilo. Everyone was neatly dressed, clean, quiet, friendly, mannerly and so pleasant to look at. (Such a difference from what I often see at the malls back home.) _____ 1. Here I am Sitting at the mall in downtown Iloilo People watching. 2. I have traveled the whole world over But have never found a face that had a smile So warm and genuine As the female Filipina smile. 3. It’s a full-toothed smile Upon a face of soft brown eyes and skin And shiny black hair. 4. It’s a beautiful native mix Of Polynesian and Malay.
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5. It warms my heart whenever I see That beautiful, female Filipina smile − Genuine, giving, warm, friendly and sincere. 6. I could have stayed and watched for hours more For it was such a pleasant contrast To what I so often see at the malls back home. *****
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y Searching For A Motto (Manila) 8-15-2001 Searching for words for daily inspiration. _____ 1. I need to find a motto − I need to find some words of personal inspiration To draw on and to give me strength Whenever I need them to. 2. I need to find a voice that my ears will listen to, A prayer that I can evoke against temptation, A phrase or proverb to buoy up my spirits, A drum that my feet will march to, An advocate to represent me, And a trainer to coach me. 3. I’m looking for a brand new spirit. I’m looking for a new beginning. I’m looking for some magic words to give me The combination of warrior-strength And saintly inner calm. I’m looking for some words To help me change the things I can And to accept the things I can’t.
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4. I need to find some inspirational words That will help me form an alliance Among my body, mind and soul And with the outside world. 5. I need to find a motto To not only keep my spirits up But also to turn Both love and war Always in my favor. *****
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y Hopefully An Elder Will Stand Up For Me (Korea) 8-16-2001 Initially few will risk supporting a controversial view. _____ 1. I stood up and openly spoke the truth – The controversial truth. And now I must suffer the jeers and taunts Of angry and defensive critics. 2. “You liar! You heretic! You traitor!” That’s what they yell at me And have to face. 3. Even those who believe in what I’m saying Will hold their tongue And stay quietly and safely camouflaged in the crowd. They won’t dare to risk themselves By standing up and speaking out For either principle or for justice − At least not right away.
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4. So as I stand here all by myself Suffering the crowd’s abuse I’m hoping against all hope That some brave Elder in the tribe Will at some point stand with me For then And only then Will any others follow suit. 5. But until that happens If ever I’ll be on my own. *****
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y Look Through The Blades Of The Spinning Fan (Manila) 8-16-2001 Looking beyond the obvious to the substance. _____ 1. Don’t concentrate so much on the song itself Rather listen harder and deeper And beyond the song itself And think of music − Think about the concept, of music. 2. Don’t just read the story And marvel at its entertaining words and plot Rather think past the story And to the thought of language − Think about the concept, of language. 3. Don’t get mesmerized By all the dancing leaves on the trees For they are merely hypnotizing distractions And rather look beyond their amusing motions And think of life − Think about the concept, of life.
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4. Don’t focus on the spinning blades of a fan For they’re merely illusions. Don’t let them block your deeper vision Rather look through and past the blades And into that whole new other world that lies beyond − Think about the concept, of a whole new dimension. 5. Don’t look or think of Just the near, the simple and the obvious Rather look and think deeper and beyond And think about the concepts that are behind them − To the concepts of substance, reality and meaning. 6. That’s what you should be looking at. That’s what you should be thinking of. That’s what you should be searching for. Don’t be distracted by the obvious and the form of things − But rather think about the concepts Behind and underneath them all. *****
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y I Must Bear It (Flying Over Korea) 8-16-2001 Bearing what life imposes on us. _____ 1. I must make my way Past all the nests of hissing vipers. 2. I must shout Over the roaring ocean. 3. I must push through heavy winds That almost knock me off my feet. 4. I must bear great swarms of insects Biting at my flesh. 5. I must suffer the desert thirst Close to dying.
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6. I must endure the taunts and curses of the crowd Who spit on me and pelt me with their stones. 7. Not everything can be explained or reconciled In the time that’s left to me. But just like oxen have to bear their burdens With little pity And no expectation of relief I will have to bear mine. *****
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y Running From Her Memory (On Bich-Thuy) 9-1-1968 Drinking heavily the Camelot Inn, a Brooklyn neighborhood bar, gave me some confidence in my decision not to pursue Thuy knowing how different and unstable she was. But her memory still haunts me. _____ 1. I feel much more comfortable now – Now that I’m in my own element and kind In my old neighborhood bar. And with the beers I’ve had, The loud music, And the boisterous voices in the background, I’m distracted from my new reality And my heartaches over her. 2. You can face your problems better When you drink − Or at least defer them To another day.
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3. Why do we always run towards things That are even more frightening Than the things we’re running from? And why do I find myself constantly running From the memory of a little girl I had to leave behind? How could such a big guy like me Be so scared of the memory Of a little girl like her? 4. The drinks and the raucous barroom atmosphere Has helped me forget her And given me some needed peace of mind − At least that’s what I tell myself. 5. But if the truth be known The agonizing memory of this little girl Will never completely leave me be No matter how many drinks I have For it will always be “Peek-a-Booing” here And “Peek-a-Booing” there on me − Never really gone but only hiding in disguise And always scaring me to death and tears. But tonight I have some feigned protection In some bottles of beer In a loud and raucous Brooklyn bar. *****
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You’re Scaring Me Away (To Letty Gonzales) 8-12-1972 Letty was a Filipino nurse. We had feelings for each other but she sometimes made me feel she could take or leave our relationship. _____ 1. You give me the feeling sometimes That you don’t care too much about this love of ours And could easily get along without it. Is this your signature defense against some former hurt? − A hurt that you don’t want to talk about? 2. When I ask you how you feel about our love You glibly answer with seemingly unattached emotion Which unsettles me. Is that the way you really are? Or is it all a front for your protection? But whatever the case may be It’s affecting me. 3. Could you do without me and never shed a tear? Could you take me or leave me either way? Would you be willing to forgive my worst mistakes? Would you fight to save our love if you had to? Or would you be content to cast it off with me attached?
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4. Be careful how you show yourself As it may work against us. Don’t be so seemingly cold and distant. Don’t put a shell around yourself. Don’t hide yourself so far and deep away That even I can’t find you. “Come out, come out, wherever you are ‘Cause you’re scaring me away.” *****
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y For What? For Why? For Shame On You! 1-21-2006 A frustrated love. _____ 1. You were the one who touched my heart The moment I first met you. And I was the one who gave you Your first taste of love. Things could have grown from there But they didn’t For you wouldn’t let them. You had the seed but never planted it And let the field stay fallow. And all for what? All for some misplaced principles? All for something That was just not perfect to your way of thinking? All for something That you felt was just a little out of place for you? All for What? And for Why?
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2. You always served a cure Much worse than the illness. You cut off the head to cure the headache. You threw the baby out with the bath water. You willingly sacrificed an innocent native girl Just to satisfy some pagan ritual. You gave it all away And damned us both to Hell. For What? And for Why? 3. I hope you’re happy, you little princess girl − You little misfit in this world − You little misanthrope! I hope you’re happy! And all for What? And all for Why? 4. To avoid a minor error you’ve made major blunder. You made a mountain out of a molehill. You called the whole game off on a technicality. You threw the book away just because it had a spelling error. To prevent a venial sin you committed a mortal one. You escalated a misdemeanor into a capital crime. For What? For Why? For shame on you! *****
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I’m Nobody’s Daughter 6-5-2012 An unselfish offer. _____ 1. You work so hard, you detectives Trying to find out who killed me. 2. You care for me As if I were one of your own − As if I were Your own daughter. 3. You spend so much time and energy Trying to find justice for me − So much time and energy trying to find my killer. You have taken my brutal murder personally Which I sincerely appreciate.
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4. I’m sorry to say though That I’m no one to anyone. I’m nobody’s Daughter, wife, mother, lover, sister or aunt. I’m alone in the world With no one missing me. There’s no hole in any family That my loss has created that needs to be filled. I’m more or less just an empty echo. 5. So please don’t put me ahead of anyone else. Rather feel free to spend your time On the other cases you have. Solve them first Whose family members deserve justice More than I. 6. But If after you’ve solved your other cases Or they’ve gone cold And you still have the time and inclination To work on mine You can For I’d like to see some justice too. *****
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y The Lesser Of Two Evils 9-15-2012 Self imprisonment. _____ 1. While my cell is sometimes frighteningly confining I have a greater fear of socializing with others Which reflects my introspective nature But more so It reflects my fear of others And the outside world. 2. Whenever I’m permitted to leave my cell I choose to stay − What kind of self-torture is that? 3. It seems that the fear Of the outside Is worse than the claustrophobic torture Of being inside − That the fear of being locked up Is the lesser Of these two evils. *****
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y The Ploy 2-21-2013 A try that backfired. _____ 1. He wrapped himself in the flag Hoping to gain acceptance And or the sympathy of the court. 2. But it didn’t work For many just laughed it off as an obvious ploy But many more scoffed and truly resented it. 3. He knew that he’d made his situation worse − Much worse – Perhaps irreversibly worse − Despite the fact that he was actually innocent Of all the charges he was facing. 4. That one little awkward and cheap ploy Might be the nail in his coffin That gets him convicted of something he didn’t do For a court of law is often just a stage Where theatrics and emotions Often outweigh the truth. *****
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y The Writing Drug 4-13-2013 A good or bad drug? _____ 1. Writing is a distraction and an escape for me And a drug that I’m addicted to. 2. That being said I wonder if it’s something that I should foster Or that I should kick? Or is it something that’s good for me? Or something that inhibits my development And caters to my weaknesses and negative inclinations? 3. While I wonder about the right and wrong And good and bad of it all I also wonder − Being an addict − If I have any control over it at all. *****
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y My Living Nightmare 7-29-2013 A bad dream that feels so real. _____ 1. I had a dream that she had died − A dream that was so real That I had to get up and look for her And physically hold her To reassure myself That she was in fact Still alive. 2. After that dream I would − Even when I was awake − Have bouts of fear Thinking she was dead. 3. The dream was so real That it became My living nightmare. *****
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y Misery Loves Company 10-9-2013 Getting relief the wrong way. _____ 1. He wanted to relieve his pain And the only way he knew how to do it Was to inflict it on others. It was the old syndrome of The abused becoming the abuser. 2. He knew that relieving his pain By taking it out on others Was a short term and cowardly way to do it − A way to gain some false and warped comfort − But it seemed to him that it was his only choice. It was like the old saying, “Misery loves company.” 3. It was a sad state of affairs But understandable − At least to some degree. *****
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y A Difference Of Day And Night 10-15-2013 A false front in the day but no defense at night. (Based on a person I knew in the Naval Reserve.) _____ 1. During the day He stood tall and confident. It seemed as though there was no limit To what he could do or handle. He had that air about him of: “Bring it on.” 2. But at night All the air would go out of him And he’d find himself rolled up into a fetal position Deflated and depressed under the covers. 3. And this fact about him And the reason for this reversing metamorphosis Was a sad and unexplainable mystery to me And to himself as well. *****
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y Pets 10-8-2013 Crimes against pets. ______ 1. I feel so sorry for pets − Seeing them locked up in their cages and houses. 2. Oh the psychological traumas they must endure Not being in their natural environments or in social structures That allow them to interact with other animals Which evolution has geared them to do for millions of years. 3. Although we buy them with the best of intentions After a while the allure wears off And they’re neglected. 4. Although we may not realize it Pets are in effect slaves For they’re bought and sold just like slaves And kept in captivity For our pleasure and amusement.
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5. Sadly We have little knowledge Of what these little creatures need For their mental and psychological health and happiness − Nor do we even think about it before we buy them And subject them to a life that’s conflicting and unnatural for them. 6. I’d love to have a pet But would be racked with the guilt Of keeping it locked up, Unfulfilled, And neglected for most of its life As well as for being labeled by my conscience As a slave owner. 7. I cannot change the world Or correct all the past and present crimes That have been and are being perpetrated On these poor animal pets of ours But I refuse to perpetuate another one. 8. So until I know That I can give any pet of mine What it needs I’ll just have to resist the temptation. *****
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y A Little Story About A Life 11-23-2013 The essence of my writings. _____ 1. When I look back on And think about all my writings I come to realize That they are in essence A record of my observations and feelings And a long-winded explanation of myself. 2. So what’s their value to me? − Just the satisfaction Of having documented these things And being able to leave my little mark in life. 3. And what’s their value to anyone else? − Nothing, but a little story about a life That passed through this world − Just in case anyone’s interested. *****
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y Praying Lotto 12-3-2013 Prayers are lotto tickets. _____ 1. Prayers are little more than lotto tickets Where you hope to win but usually don’t. And when you do win It’s all by chance and luck Rather than from any skill or divine intercession. So understand that when you pray You’re really just taking your chances. 2. And the chances of your winning unfortunately Don’t increase the more you pray − It just feels that way For rather, it just increases your hopes. Prayers are only bets Where luck is the only determinant. 3. I’m sorry about that conclusion – Sorry for the both of us For I too wish that prayer was real As it’s such a beautiful concept. *****
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y A Friend To You 8-20-2001 An offer of open friendship. _____ 1. I offer you my friendship − My sincerest friendship. 2. Take it into your heart, Leave it atrophy, Or reject it outright − It’s up to you. 3. But remember Friends are few And far between. 4. So think about my offer To be a friend to you. *****
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That’s Life For Me 9-25-2001 Some observations about my personality. _____ 1. I have great difficulty opening up to people. I want to But I don’t do it very well. 2. Sometimes I don’t even try For I know that when I do I’m awkward at it And often have disappointing results. 3. While I feel bad about this condition I try to accept it − sort of anyway. But sadly each time it occurs I shut down a little more. 4. It’s a sad and disheartening state of affairs But that’s life I guess − At least for me. *****
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y Those Female Asian Faces In The Crowd 12-5-2001 I find Asian women attractive for reasons others don’t. _____ 1. On my long daily commutes To and from work My eyes are drawn To the female Asian faces in the crowd. Young or old – I find them all attractive In so many ways. 2. Their rich and shiny black hair, Their smooth and hairless skin, The exotic shape of their eyes, Their trim, petite and compact bodies, And their prominent jaws, teeth and cheekbones Are the features that I like. 3. While their modest breasts, flat bottoms and short legs Are often turn-offs for many – they’re not for me − For as for me it’s just the opposite.
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4. And similarly While not wearing perfume or make-up Make them all too plain for others It’s all the better for me − For I like to see and appreciate Their natural beauty. 5. I can easily pick them out: In any size crowd, At any distance, From the front, side or back, Standing still or on the move. 6. I can also pick them out: By the way they stand or walk, By their shape and size, And by their body language. 7. I can sometimes even guess Their nationality With surprising accuracy − Yes, I’m almost that good at it. 8. It’s just a harmless little game of mine − Picking out Those lovely female Asian faces In the crowd. ***** 152
y Let Me Rock Myself In Sorrow 3-19-2002 Respecting the privacy of one’s grief. _____ 1. Please don’t touch me. Please just leave me be For right now I only want to kneel beside her And hold her lifeless body in my arms And rock myself in sorrow. 2. Please just leave me alone with her − Alone, this one last final time Before they take her away And put her in the ground. 3. Please just leave me To have my private time with her And to rock myself in sorrow. 4. She was my one and only love. She was the single And most precious thing I’d ever known And now she’s gone.
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5. So please Just leave me be for a while To rock myself in sorrow. *****
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y No One Was Listening 4-17-2002 A good presentation wasted. _____ 1. I just had to say my piece. I just had to get it out. It was that important. 2. And when I said what I had to say I was quite articulate − In fact I was even eloquent If I do say so myself. 3. I made all my points perfectly. I didn’t have to once Repeat myself or clarify anything. I was very satisfied with my performance And proud of myself. 4. But then A disheartening feeling came over me When I realized That no one was listening! *****
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y A Bubble In A Soda Bottle 5-7-2002 About two competing theories about the Universe. _____ 1. I never fully believed In the “Big Bang” Theory Which holds that in the beginning of the Universe Some 15 billion years ago There was just a tiny speck of compacted mass That exploded outward And formed our entire Universe And all the stars and planets in it. 2. I couldn’t fully grasp the concept That in the beginning There was nothing but This one tiny compact particle From which our entire Universe Was created.
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3. For me I’ve rather come to feel That alternatively Our Universe could have also begun − As postulated by The “Bubble” Theory − As a bubble that was formed in a Host Universe Similar to the way a bubble would form inside a soda bottle And that would then expand Larger and larger as time went on Just as our Universe is expanding. 4. The theory also holds That other bubbles would form In that Host Universe And become other Universes. This to me is just as plausible a theory As the “Big Bang” Theory. 5. Why not a bubble Created and nurtured by a massive Host Universe? Why not the “Bubble” Theory As opposed to the “Big-Bang” Theory? Why not? − For they’re equally speculative − And equally incomprehensible! *****
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y Photons That Once Were Me 5-9-2002 Hoping my writings will have some longevity. _____ 1. When mass decays it doesn’t just disappear But rather transitions into something else. 2. And during this transition It emits streams of photons − Streams of light − That travel outward particle by particle In all directions as radiation. 3. Radiation therefore Represents the reflective elements Of its original source. 4. And just like radiation I hope the writings that I leave behind Will be the literary photons That represent me in my absence After I’m gone. *****
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Don’t Take Your Eyes Off Me! 5-9-2002 The concentration needed to save someone. _____ 1. Keep your eyes on me − The one who’s fallen overboard In this stormy sea. And don’t ever take them off me − Not even for a second − For if you do You’ll surely lose me. 2. Raise your arm and continuously point to me. Don’t ever lower your arm − Not even for a second − For if you do You’ll break your concentration And surely lose me And never find me again. 3. In the massive and churning sea My head will only be The size of a tiny pin point drop of water So once you lose sight of it It will be impossible to find again.
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4. If you take your eyes off me − Even for a second − I’ll be eaten by the monstrous sea And lost forever. 5. So please Keep pointing And don’t for a second Take your eyes off me. *****
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y A Pagan In The Choir 5-22-2002 Faking his religious faith for a good cause. 1. I love to sing And will do almost anything to sing. 2. Although I’m a pagan I joined the choir of a local church Just so I could sing. 3. Since I’m an infidel It requires all I have within me to fake it − To fake that I’m a believer − But which I gladly do For the love of singing. 4. I’m a pagan in the choir of a church And dare not tell a soul. 5. For the love of singing I’ll do almost anything. *****
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You Can Take Me On The Street, But… 7-23-2002 Two different fighting styles. _____ 1. Yeah, you can take me on the street For on the street I’m easy prey for you. And when you do I know you’ll pound your chest Like a hairy primate would. 2. But when the task requires More discipline and sophistication − Where you must plan and strategize And work hard and long Just to gain position; Where you must be patient And restrained; Where you’re sure of your mark Yet have to hold your fire; Where you can’t give in to haste or urgency And constantly have to gauge And regauge your target for the surest single shot − This is the kind of fight You just don’t have the discipline for.
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3. This type of disciplined engagement Won’t reap you any open recognition or reward As a street fight would, and that you’re used to. For this kind of fight You must be satisfied only with yourself And solely in the fact that you’ve achieved your mission. In this kind of fight You just don’t have the right constitution So you’ll be easy prey for me. 4. In your kind of fight When you win you’ll need to boast And tell everyone of your achievement. But in my kind of fight There’s a different kind of satisfaction And one that you’ll never rightly understand And therefore Will have no chance of winning. 5. In my kind of fight I’ll just slowly and deliberately track you down, Take sure and careful aim, And fell you with a single, perfect and unemotional shot − An anonymous shot That you’ll never see coming − And a shot that no one will ever know What was behind it − For this fight Is my kind of fight. ***** 163
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Finding A Mother’s Hand 9-24-2002 The child in us is always looking for security. _____ 1. Like a frightened child We grope for a hand to put ours in − A mother’s hand − The one that used to be there for us And that we got used to holding And still miss every day. 2. Without it We’re scared and insecure. And sometimes on our worst days When everything has gone wrong That childish and frightening fear comes over us − The fear we’ve been abandoned. 3. So at one time or another We all instinctively Look for that hand to put ours in Like we used to do But can’t anymore. *****
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It Wouldn’t Matter One Iota 10-25-2002 On the insignificance of our planet. _____ 1. In times of peace Our population grows geometrically Doubling every so many years Which has us taking up So much of the planet’s useable space And consuming So much more of its natural resources At an ever-increasing, alarming and unsustainable rate. 2. And in times of war We see our wars growing larger and larger And shaking our tiny planet More violently than the time before And destroying ever larger pieces of it.
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3. In time Either through destructive wars Or peaceful consumption There’s a good chance We’ll doom Our fragile little ant-like colony And extinguish Our short-lived and sorry species. 4. But whatever happens − Even if we were to destroy ourselves completely And our entire planet were to disappear − It wouldn’t matter one iota To the Universe. *****
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y Everything Is Relative 10-27-2002 All laws are affected by the circumstances. _____ 1. Someone cures the cureless. Someone resurrects the dead. A vicious criminal gets a pardon. Things that ought not happen, happen. 2. Light travels only in straight lines As the Laws of Physics demand. However Light will actually curve When passing heavy objects Solely because they have such heavy masses And exert such strong gravitational pulls That they actually change That seemingly unchangeable Law. 3. Fixed laws are often broken − Or shall we say Modified − For special things And in special circumstances.
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4. Also The Laws of Time Require Time to travel at a constant rate. However Even the irrefutable Laws of Time can vary − Accelerating or slowing down − Depending on the speed at which an object’s moving. 5. So too with the Laws that govern man − They yield and bend For special things And under special circumstances. 6. There are always exceptions to the rule. Depending on the subjects And the circumstances. 7. Even Purity Will let herself be touched for Love; An honest man at times Can be found in the company of scoundrels; A man of the highest of principles May have his price; And even the most selfish of men Might be moved to charity.
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8. Are these exceptions to, Or breakdowns in the Law? Or are they are operations of the Law itself Bending as required? 9. It seems to me That everything Depends upon the circumstances. It seems to me That everything Is relative. *****
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y A Message On A Subway Wall 11-5-2002 A truism written on a New York City subway wall. _____ 1. This saying That was written on a subway wall Resonated with me: ~ “Respect all Fear none.” 2. What a wonderful little motto For living life. 3. So true and easy to understand But so hard to put into practice − I know For I’ve tried it myself With disappointing results. *****
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y Waiting For The After-Life (Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop) 11-14-2002 Speculation about an after-life. _____ 1. I feel that in just a matter of hours They’ll arrest me And I’ll be put away for my crimes − Perhaps for life. 2. I can’t conceive of being jailed For the rest of my life And would rather be dead! So, I think I’ll shoot myself And be done with it all! It’s my life anyway, isn’t it? − To do with it as I please?
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3. I’m fairly confident That there is no God or After-life And no sin is involved in taking my life And base my conclusion on the fact That because of all the imperfections In this world of ours There couldn’t be a God For what kind of perfect, good and all-powerful God Would have made such a cruel And imperfect world as this When He could have just as easily Made a better one? 4. So if there is no After-life It also follows That there isn’t any Immortal Soul That will have to stand and face anyone On any Judgment Day. And that when the body dies Everything dies with it Including accountability. 5. “Bang!” The pistol fires And a second later I feel relief. I was correct There is no After-life After all!
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6. But wait a minute! Not so fast! How is it then…that I’m still thinking? Is that the evidence that there is an After-life And the existence of a Soul? Or is it just a delayed reaction Before death fully registers itself on me Like a chicken running around with its head cut off Before it falls and comes to rest? 7. Since I’m still dialoging with myself I’m very apprehensive that there just may be an After-life And that I could possibly be Damned forever for all my sinful acts − And most recently for killing myself. 8. So now I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop − Waiting for confirmation as to what’s coming next. 9. Will it be What I’m hoping it’ll be − Nothing but silent darkness And a complete end to life? Or will it be The start of another life In an After-life Of eternal punishment in Hell? I’m just waiting for that other shoe to drop. ***** 173
y Priorities Confused? 2-3-2003 Giving work too much priority? _____ 1. I defer my pleasures Until my work is done: “Business before pleasure.” “Work before rest.” These are my mottos And the principles to which I ascribe. 2. Sometimes though I question my principles and priorities Wondering if They aren’t somewhat misaligned − And that I’m being too demanding of myself And not relaxing enough. 3. Although this question gnaws at me I have to live with it − Live with this mixed compound Of virtue and vice For my nature and my modus operandi is: “Work, before pleasure.” *****
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y Mining For Gold 2-26-2003 Proverbs, phrases and sayings are my gold. _____ 1. I’m flying through the poems Of Browning and Whitman Snagging all the lines and phrases That catch my eye, Touch my heart, Or excite my intellect. 2. I’m not so much concerned With the meaning of the poems themselves As I am with certain lines and phrases within them – The lines that: Highlight basic truths, Are beautifully written, Represent pearls of wisdom, Sound eloquent when spoken, Stimulate my intellect, Resonate within me Touch my heart, And lift my spirits up.
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3. This is the gold I’m mining for − The inspirational lines or phrases That distinguish themselves From the surrounding text. 4. These special lines and phrases Represent the gold that I want to collect And stockpile in my Treasury. 5. These are the treasured works of art That I want to hang in my Gallery. 6. These are the special and timeless lines and phrases That I collect and hope to enjoy reading again In my later years When I can appreciate them even more. 7. These are the special and timeless lines and phrases That I also hope will be considered As a valued and personal inheritance By those I love and leave them to. *****
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y To Open All The Flowers 3-14-2003 A perspective on nature’s power. _____ Oh what massive power It must take To open all the flowers Of the world! *****
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y Who Are We To Be Served? (Las Vegas) 4-19-2003 I sometimes feel a little elitist about being served. _____ 1. “My sincerest apologies, sir I thought you said you wanted it rare. No problem, I’ll take it back And have it cooked a little more.” 2. “I’m sorry, sir It was black coffee that you ordered. My mistake − Black coffee coming up.” 3. “Oops, you’re absolutely right I’m a dollar over on your check. Sorry, sir I’ll be right back with a corrected one.”
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4. There’s no need for such apologies. For who are we? Who are we to be served at all? − For we’re no better than our servers. 5. For any number of reasons Our roles could easily have been reversed − The waiter and the waited-on − The server and the served. 6. No need to say, “I’m sorry, sir!” For who are we To be served at all? *****
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y Instinct Rules 5-14-2004 The instinct of survival dominates any lofty ideals. _____ 1. All such lofty ideals as love and beauty − And all attempts to insulate or elevate ourselves From the baseness of our natures − Are put aside When survival comes into play. 2. Whenever any attack or threat is posed Against that self-centered, Super-protective, And paranoid being called Self − Whether it’s from the tiniest splinter in your finger To the most mortal wound or illness − The body and the mind Instinctively and immediately unite Into a single determined and focused unit to counter it. All other priorities are set aside − Especially the softer ones like love and beauty − Until our safety and security – Perceived or real − Have been assured.
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3. We can never unhinge ourselves From our primal instincts To protect ourselves, first and foremost. Our instinct for survival Is the strongest instinct we have And will dominate anything and everything we do And against which No lofty, noble or higher principle Could ever compete. *****
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y I Fell Into A Hole 8-8-2004 Fallen hopes. _____ 1. I fell into a deep, deep hole − So deep that I can’t get out. It’s a hole I dug myself But much deeper Than I ever thought it would be. 2. Its walls are wet and slippery And prevent me from grabbing on to anything Or getting even the slightest foothold. 3. I should be thinking, searching and working To find some way out But instead I’m mired down in despair And have all but given up On any hope of ever getting out.
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4. When I look up at the sky I remember how beautiful and calming It used to be for me. But now Here in this hole It’s become a sadistic thing that taunts me And breaks my heart to see How even it has turned on me. 5. My life is slowly parading before me In a crucifying last review Making me wonder If I’ll ever get out of this god-forsaken hole. *****
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y A Good Sleep And A Fresh White Shirt 10-12-2004 How little changes can make big differences. _____ 1. A good night’s sleep And a fresh white shirt Made a new man out of me today. 2. With no lack of sleep to fight My back was straight My chest was out And my walk was brisk. 3. With no lack of sleep to fight My eyes were bright My thinking was crystal clear, My speech was articulate, And there was nothing That I had to fake, hide or overcome. 4. A good night’s sleep And a fresh white shirt Made a new man out of me today. *****
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I’m Showing All My Soft Spots 11-9-2004 Showing things you wish you could hide. ______ 1. I’m feeling all my soft spots, My vulnerabilities, And my sensitivities. 2. I’m feeling all my weaknesses, My failings, And my disappointments. 3. These And all the other heartaches I have Are showing on my face And in my demeanor. 4. All these once personal and private things Are now becoming Not so private anymore. *****
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y We Must Leave These Trees 11-19-2004 A play on our evolution. ______ 1. It’s time to take a chance! It’s time to get down from these trees And walk on the ground! 2. While we’re safe up here in the trees − In our comfort zone − We need to take a chance on something new − For something better − For here in the trees we’re all too limited And can only go as far as the trees will take us. 3. It’s also very hard To sit comfortably in these trees − And even harder to sleep. And in the trees We have to use Both our hands and our feet Just to keep our balance Making them unavailable For other, more productive things.
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4. Also, our sight is very limited Up here in the trees For we only can see as far as the next tree. Whereas on the ground We’d be able to see so much further. And if we straightened up and walked upright We’d be able to see even further − And more so We’d be able to explore! 5. We must get down from these trees. And try living on the ground Where there’s much more opportunity. 6. Yes, there’ll be a little more risk But over time and with our growing brains We should be able to outsmart Both predator and prey. 7. The ground is where our future is − The future of our children − And the future of our race! *****
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y Possessed 3-4-2005 Slowing being possessed by Satan. ______ 1. There’s that face again − The one that comes from out of nowhere And forms itself in the misty air in front of me. It’s a vapor taking shape into a horrid image That’s hovering face to face in front of me. What is it? And what does it mean? 2. It seems to have Some kind of power over me Making me feel somehow That I can’t think or act on my own anymore And must wait for its command 3. Now it’s speaking to me. But I can’t make out the words so well Which makes me very uneasy. “What’s happening to me?” I ask myself.
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4. But wait Now I feel That something’s actually invading me And assuming control. I’m also finding That my memory’s being erased. 5. It’s becoming more clear to me That I’m becoming someone else − Someone much more diabolical For my moods are now much darker − I feel I’m being possessed. 6. At first That thought scared me But as it progresses I’m slowly adjusting to it. 7. And now it’s done. The transformation is complete And I’m a brand new person With a brand new and scary life. 8. Once I belonged to God But now I belong to Satan. *****
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y Have I Missed Something? 5-27-2005 On an agreement misunderstood or broken? _____ 1. “We’ll be each other’s dearest loves And occupy the warmest, deepest places In each other’s hearts. We’ll need no invitations with each other. We’ll wear no masks upon our faces. What’s mine is yours And what’s yours is mine. And everything between us Will be built upon A silent code of love and honor.” 2. These were the promises our hearts exchanged. This was our constitution. This was the agreement we made And that we didn’t need to sign But only seal With our love and trust.
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3. While it worked for a while It didn’t last for long For you broke All those solemn promises you made. 4. Was I the fool Or you the liar? Or did I Just misinterpret things? 5. So now, regrettably And with a heavy breaking heart I must reexamine All that has transpired between us. I must review the form and substance of our agreement And our noble constitution And see where things went wrong And try to prevent this kind of thing From ever happening again. 6. I must re-review everything To see what I had apparently missed When I was a trusting soul And a heart in love. *****
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y Still Playing Hide And Seek 6-6-2005 Still searching for peace of mind. _____ 1. Yesterday I turned 62 And by this age I would have thought That I’d have figured out The “Formula of Life” − But I haven’t. 2. I’m still looking for my way − Still hoping to acquire the peace of mind That would calm down all the howling winds and choppy seas And allow me a peaceful sail. I’m still waiting for the time When I can lay my head down And have a deep and worry-free sleep. 3. If I were to find my peace Then all the troubles I’ve endured Wouldn’t seem so bad For all’s well that ends well.
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4. But even now at the age of 62 − And running out of time − The peace of mind that I’ve been searching for Still cleverly eludes me − And is still playing its game of “Hide and Seek”. 5. So here I go again Trying to find my peace of mind’s secret hiding place In yet another round Of this never-ending game of “Hide and Seek”. 6. So here we go again “One, two, three…here I come…ready or not… Wherever you are!” *****
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y She Just Told Me Another Lie And I Believed Her 6-29-2005 She was all he had. ______ 1. She just told me another lie And I believed her. If I weren’t so in love with her I would have easily seen right through it And called her out. 2. I know that if I took my blinders off I’d see her for what she really is. But I also know that if I did I might be swayed to give her up And lose the only thing I have. 3. So which is worse: To see her for what she is and cut her lose And leave myself with nothing? Or to turn a blind eye And keep the only one I have in my life As shallow and dishonest as she may be?
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4. I know that what she does to me is criminal And takes cruel advantage of my vulnerabilities. But I’m a willing accomplice to her crimes And even let her use my heart As a hide-out from the law. 5. I also know That the right thing to do Is to let her go. But I haven’t got the courage, will or desire to do so For if I did I’d lose the only little thing I had in life And I’d have no life at all. 6. So as sad, hollow and wrong as it may be It seems to me That I have no choice But to swallow her lies, Turn the other cheek, Burry my head in the sand, Keep wearing those rose colored glasses, And be a willing accomplice to her crimes And just wait and see how it all turns out. *****
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y Fear Is Still King (Hong Kong) 7-2-2005 The prime controllers of people. ______ 1. Our primitive animal natures have indoctrinated us To fear and follow “leaders” Ranging from Alpha Males to the religious Prophets. So believing in an All-powerful God − A Supreme Being − Comes natural to us. Further, our innate sense of right and wrong Gears us to believe in Justice And in her twin sisters, Punishment and Reward. All these ancient and powerful forces within us Have made the creation of God and the Bible, inevitable. 2. It seems to me That the Bible was consciously written By our early religious leaders To impress and frighten their followers into doing good Through the combined and skillful use of love and fear And fantastic stories of miracles, rewards and punishments. It was the best and most expedient way for them To master and control the poor and ignorant masses While at the same time, providing them with hope and a way To deal with their oppressors and their miserably desperate lives.
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3. The Bible also provided An explanation of, and for, their current lives And the hope of a better one in an After-life. It was the perfect counter-balance To all the world’s imperfections. All in one it provided them with Hope, Justice and Reward. And the very fact that it was written Made it tangible And 100% “official”. 4. While Jesus and so many other prophets Preached soft and beautiful messages About kindness, forgiveness and compassion And the reward of Heaven They also preached about a looming “Judgment Day” And the possibility of eternal life in Hell. Which were the most effective and powerful tools of all To keep the masses in line and under control. 5. While Love, Hope and Heaven Are powerful motivators For all our religious leaders and their followers Fear is still the King. *****
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y Remnant Justice For A Selfish Person 7-25-2005 Retribution will come one day. _____ 1. You boast about yourself And steal attention From those who are more worthy of it. You suck up precious sympathy From those who’ve really earned it. Again and again you take and take From those who are So much more deserving. 2. Can’t you see how selfish you are And what you’re really doing? 3. Take my warning to heart that the day will come When your victims will learn that you’ve exploited them And will turn on you with measured vengeance. 4. And when that day comes Oh, what remnant Justice and fitting Punishment That will be! *****
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Oh Life, I Gave You All I Had − But Did I? 8-3-2005 Doubts about having tried hard enough. _____ 1. In my life Have I made any real progress? Have I gained any wisdom? Have I done anything That was noteworthy or noble? Have I made a difference in life? Am I better, worse or just about the same? Questions, questions And more questions. 2. Will I gracefully die in peace and dignity Satisfied with who I am And what I’ve achieved And how I’ve distinguished myself? − Or will I wrestle on my death-bed Discontent and unaccomplished Fighting for that last breath of air No different than anybody else?
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3. Oh dear Life While I think I gave you all I had − Enough at least to earn a decent eulogy And a peaceful passing – I wonder, “Did I?” “Did I really?” *****
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y I Really Used To Be Somebody 8-4-2005 Difficulty in imagining what someone used to be. _____ 1. When I tell you That I used to be “somebody” in my prior life You nod politely But are condescending and inattentive And hardly hear a word I’m saying. 2. You have little time for me − For who am I to you? Just a weary bore? An empty shadow? An old has-been? 3. Looking at me You just can’t imagine That I could have been anything else But what I am right now.
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4. Even when I tell you That I used to be somebody Who once had, as they say, “Money, power, looks and charm” − You remain unimpressed For you just can’t imagine me As anybody different Than what you’re seeing now. 5. It’s not for boasting That I’m telling you these things But rather just to expand your point of view And make you understand That what you see in front of you Wasn’t always me And that I really used to be “Somebody.” *****
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y I Give Myself To The Wind 8-5-2005 Exhausted from Life’s battles. _____ 1. I give my fate to the wind And let it take me where it may. I’ll go wherever it directs me to go Without resistance And without questioning any of its decisions. 2. In the past I used to fight for my direction But now I’m tired and have little strength or ambition To fight so hard anymore − And why should I? For it never seemed to get me all that far Or give me that much satisfaction − In fact, it’s not even clear to me these days What I’m even fighting for. 3. So now, I’m dropping my arms and closing my eyes And giving myself completely to the wind To let it take me where it may. *****
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y You Can Call The Dogs Off Me 8-5-2005 Love betrayed. _____ 1. I stayed by you And tried to help you as much as I could. And whatever I did Was only for your sake. 2. But despite it all You never once appreciated my efforts And how much I sacrificed for you Without asking anything in return. And for all of this You went and set the dogs on me. 3. And if your purpose was to hurt me The most you could I can assure you have So you can call the dogs off me now. *****
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y Please Turn That Gun Around 8-5-2005 A plea against a suicide. ______ 1. No matter How crushed and broken, How empty and forlorn, Or how bad you feel about yourself − I love you both for what you are And for what you’re not. 2. No matter how down you are in spirit, How dire things may appear to you, Or how little your life means to you − It means the world to me. 3. Even if you feel that Hope herself Has turned her back on you And you mean nothing to Her Or to yourself − You mean a lot to me.
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4. So please, my love Turn that gun around − If not for your sake Then for mine. *****
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y Going Out On A Low Note Again? 10-25-2005 Worried about being let go again. _____ 1. Is it happening again in my career Where I’ll be let go again? − Where I start out on a high note But end up on a low one? 2. Slow or fast Whatever starts out well Seems to deteriorate and end up badly. 3. First I’m an honored guest Of Heaven Then, a permanent resident Of Hell.
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4. Just once I’d like to retire As the reigning champ of something. Just once I’d like to go out: On my own terms, In my own time, For my own reasons And in my own way. 5. Just once I’d like to go out On something other than a low note. *****
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y If Only I Could Shell Myself Over 10-25-2005 Wishing I could be less sensitive about things. ______ 1. At any time My mood could quickly change: A thought, A minor comment, Or something that I’d see or hear Could often, in an instant Touch a soft and sentimental spot in my heart Or just as easily Touch a raw and sensitive nerve. 2. Oh, if only I could insulate my feelings, Average out my sharp reactions, Or harden up my sensitivities. 3. Oh if only I could shell myself over, From anything and everything, From anyone and everyone, And from even time and circumstance I would. *****
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y Tell Her I Just Left For Good 10-25-2005 After years of coming back he’s finally left for good. _____ 1. I finally think I’ve had enough of you. I’ve waited so long for you to change But no change ever came And I feel it never will. 2. I feel it as I tremble in my thoughts. I feel it in the ambition that I no longer have. And I feel it in the heart that I can’t seem to start again. I feel for the first time in my life That I’ve finally had enough of you. 3. What everyone had told me Time and time again I’m finally seeing for myself: That you will never change.
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4. So dear friend I’m asking for a favor. I’m asking that you tell her for me That while I was waiting for a change in her A change came over me. 5. Please my friend Tell her for me For whenever I try to tell her I always give in. 6. Please tell her for me, my friend − Tell her that I’ve left And that this time It’s for good. *****
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Perhaps It’s In The Morning Breeze 3-12-2006 I’ve had 2 or 3 defining moments in my life that have given me insights into how to deal with life. But I’ve been waiting for a more profound one – one that would give me true peace of mind. _____ 1. In my earlier years I experienced a number of defining moments Which helped me better handle life, in general And my life, in particular − But they were some 40 years ago. 2. And since then I’ve been waiting – Waiting for that final defining moment, That final revelation, That final breakthrough That would bring me inner peace − Waiting for the gift of a perfect attitude That would enable me to handle Calmly and philosophically Anything that life threw at me.
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3. If this ultimate And final defining moment Ever comes to me I wonder how will it come? 4. Will it come in a slow, methodical and subtle way? Or in a lightning-fast, strong and obvious way? Will it come at a happy time Or will it come, as I suspect, as the others have On the heels of a long and grueling crisis? 5. Who can I ask? Who can tell me? Perhaps the answer’s in The morning breeze. *****
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y I Need To Stay Away From Heights 7-16-2006 Not wanting to create any over-expectations. _____ 1. Please don’t put me On any pedestal. 2. Please keep me away From any heights. 3. For I don’t want anyone To see me break When I fall. *****
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y Fear In The Tunnel 8-20-2006 About claustrophobia inspired by my fear of it. _____ 1. I walked upright into the cave. With lots of room on either side and overhead. But soon it began to narrow a little – Then some more − And then some more again. 2. Progressively The cave continued to shrink in height Until it wasn’t high enough For me to stand upright anymore And I had to lower my head a bit. The cave was becoming a tunnel. 3. Further on I had to crouch. And further, further on I was on my hands and knees. And not too long after that I was crawling on my stomach.
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4. Then it got so tight That my shoulders touched the tunnel’s walls And the back of my head touched the overhead. I was trapped And couldn’t go any further. 5. Being trapped in confined quarters And unable to move Has always been my most dreaded fear. 6. And so It wasn’t long after that That I went completely mad. *****
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y Then Honor Her In Death 8-21-2006 A demand for making amends. ____ 1. You never gave her much of anything When she was alive. But rather only took from her. 2. All throughout her life You never gave her Any attention or respect − Much less any love. 3. You were a selfish and ungrateful miser And never gave her anything That nourished her. Rather You starved her half to death. 4. Since you never honored her in her life At least have the decency To honor her in her death. *****
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y The Closing Statement At My Trial 10-29-2006 My personal works will be my closing statement. _____ 1. The pressure to complete My music and my writings Before I go Is very stressful But I’m determined to get them done. 2. My music and my writings Represent my only chance To leave some kind of descent legacy So I must continue on. 3. I must complete my work As it will represent The closing statement at my trial − My summation to the jury − And possibly the very thing on which My verdict and my sentence May depend. *****
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y A Confining Death 11-11-2006 The worst kinds of death for me are claustrophobic ones. _____ 1. Absent death by torture No kind of death is mentally worse for me Than dying in restricted quarters Where I can hardly move For I’d go mad From sheer claustrophobic panic Long before I actually died. 2. Being buried alive, Suffocating in a tiny room, Or drowning in the cabin of a sinking ship Are the types of endings Which would drive me completely mad Long before I took my final breath. 3. Just to think about those kinds of deaths Puts my mind into an instant panic With a stampeding herd of emotions Running in all directions.
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4. Such kinds of deaths for me Are the worst and cruelest punishments That I could ever imagine for myself And too cruel For even the worst of my transgressions. *****
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y Hard Work And Discipline 4-27-2008 Compensating for some lack of talent. _____ 1. I have no exceptional talents And whatever minor ones I have Only show themselves After a lot of hard work and discipline. 2. Also, whatever I produce Comes less from inspirational genius And more from the perspiration of hard work. 3. And even when I have a spark of inspiration It can only be kept alive and coaxed into fire After an extraordinary amount of effort. 4. Hard work and discipline Is how I compensate For whatever natural talents I don’t have.
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5. Hard work and discipline Are the coaches that drive me To aim for the top In the hope that maybe I’ll hit the middle − Or at least Not hit bottom. 6. Hard work and discipline − Will they be enough For a fair and decent showing of myself? *****
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y What Was It That Was So Important? 5-2-2009 The problem with over-reaching. _____ 1. What was it That was so important That made me reach so far out And shift my entire center of gravity To its tipping point And completely lose my balance? 2. What was this thing That I wanted so badly − That made me lunge for it And lose my grip On everything else I had? 3. What was it That was so important That I just had to have And didn’t have already?
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4. What was it That I just had to have That made me lose control of Life And let Life Get control of me? 5. What was it That was so important? *****
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y He Never Made The Effort (Philippines) 5-9-2009 A death wish? _____ 1. He couldn’t tell the difference Between the innocent movements of a friend And those of a stalking enemy. 2. He was all too trusting And or lazy And never careful or discerning. 3. Even when he noticed That fate was plotting against him He never made the slightest effort to counter its plans Or even try to nudge it off its course. 4. A little nudge Would have made all the difference in the world − That’s all it would have taken for him to save himself But he just never made the effort. *****
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y I Saw The World When I Was Bulletproof 12-15-2009 Some stories about my travels. _____ 1. After some convincing I got a friend of mine to put aside his reservations and concerns About its danger and inconveniences And come with me to South America, Trinidad and Mexico. We went to almost every major city and jungle there. We also went in very troubled times: When revolutions were being plotted behind closed doors, When people were demonstrating and often rioting in the streets, And when anti-Americanism was running high. 2. I also went through almost all of Africa At a time when the blacks were taking over And the whites were literally on the run and being hunted down And their property appropriated by the natives Including their rich homes being used as barns for animals. Before I went I asked some friends if they would like to go But they didn’t want to take such a risky trip So I went alone.
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3. I also went alone Through almost all of Asia Taking a number of young, foolish and exotic risks But all for the sake Of adventure and experience. 4. I also went through most of Western Europe too And parts of Scandinavia With a Navy buddy of mine In his little Volkswagen And who was stationed in Naples, Italy. 5. And just for the adventure of it all I went up north, past the Arctic Circle Into upper Canada and Alaska. Here again I went alone As I couldn’t find anyone Who was willing to deal with the ice and cold. 6. Most everyone I approached for these kinds of trips Wanted to have a safe, comfortable and “normal” vacation − Preferably one in the sun and the sand. But I wasn’t thinking of “vacation” − I was thinking of “adventure” − Adventure While I was still young, willing and able − And bullet-proof.
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7. I knew that at any later time in my life I could sit by the pool at some Holiday Inn In a safe and friendly, English-speaking environment And soak up the sun in a comfortable chair With a fancy umbrella drink in my hand. 8. Correspondingly I also knew that I might never again find That unique timing in my life Where youth, opportunity and daring All converged and fused perfectly together Into a burning desire To see the world Raw, first-hand and without any frills And to accept its dare. 9. If I wanted to see the world, I told myself I had to do it now: When the moon and stars were all lined up, The iron was hot, And youth was on my side. I told myself I had to do it now And with whomever was ready, willing and able − And if no one was I had to make that hard decision To go alone.
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10. In order to see All those places around the world That I had heard, read and wondered about I knew I had to take some risks And that I might encounter some problems Along the way. 11. While these trips went reasonably well There were some incidents that presented some risk For example: Having to get away from a rioting mob in Lima, Peru; Almost dying in Egypt from an overdose of quinine; Being chased by a gang of blacks in Tanzania; Swimming with piranha in the Amazon; Almost drowning in the currents off Trinidad; Nearly being knifed in a Tokyo nightclub by some mamasan pimp; Being beaten up in Amsterdam by a bunch of US draft dodgers; Having to leave the Philippines one night for fear of my life; Getting violently ill from eating tainted horsemeat in Mexico City; And catching an exotic disease from a bargirl in Bangkok. There were other incidences as well, but not so dramatic. Anyway, I got through them all and more or less unscathed Because luck and youth were on my side. 12. I took my chances and saw the world At the perfect time in my life − When I was young, single, daring − And bullet-proof. *****
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y All My People Are Dying (So Much For The Nobility Of Life) 12-26-2009 A metaphor about aging, change and life. _____ 1. My generation is dying off – With its trees dying off one by one. The family that had once surrounded me And given me lots of cover Has thinned out And left me exposed and unprotected. 2. My family used to be a rich, vibrant and friendly forest − But now its trees all disappearing And what’s taking its place Is a strange, new and competing forest. 3. And as for me I’m getting old and gnarly And the youthful leaves that once adorned me Are drying up and thinning out And falling from my frame. Soon I’ll be a lonely weathered trunk of empty branches Standing in the icy wind In an unfamiliar, hostile and unforgiving forest.
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4. First I’ll be ignored Then gradually left to starve With no consideration for who I am Or who I used to be – And no consideration for my indigenous status. 5. After so much glory and attention That I had enjoyed in my former, younger life − It’s hard to accept being consigned To being an empty, ignored and wasted skeleton In a forest that’s now occupied By rank and uncaring strangers. 6. With the environment changing against me And my own condition deteriorating as I age What I sadly see ahead Is all my people dying off And a lonely, Unceremonious, And unmarked death for me. ~ So much for the nobility of life. *****
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y The Lady Bug 2-28-2010 Watching a lady bug’s dying ritual. _____ 1. I saw a dying lady bug Turn herself over and onto her back. Her legs were flailing As if she were trying to right itself − At least that’s what it looked like to me. So I turned her right side up Thinking I was doing her a favor − Thinking I’d be giving her what she wanted And letting her “die in dignity.” But she apparently wasn’t happy with that As she looked as though She was trying to turn herself Upside down again. 2. As I looked about I saw That there were many other lady bugs around Some of which were right side up And others upside down Which made me ask myself: “Which way did she want to be − Upside down or right side up?”
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3. Did she go on her back by mistake? Or did she do it on purpose? Should I put her on her back again The way I found her Or should I just leave her as she is? 4. With all these questions It made me ask myself: “What do I know about lady bugs And their ancient rituals anyway?” 5. Then a bigger question came to mind: “Was she suffering?” And if she was, “Should I put her out of her misery?” I had the power to do whatever she wanted − If only I knew what that was. 6. What kind of assumptions Or presumptions Should I make about this lady bug?
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7. If I killed her Would I be doing her a favor? Would I be taking her out of her misery? Or Was she in any misery at all? Perhaps she was only dying a peaceful and natural death And all that I was doing Was interfering with her programmed ritual Which might require a sequence of things: Such as turning herself upside down, Facing her god in Heaven, Confessing her sins, And receiving some kind of last rites. 8. So I had to ask myself, “By turning her over What had I unknowingly interfered with? Had I made a mistake And deprived her of her last rites And possibly damned her to Hell?� 9. Perhaps I should have just left things alone For what do I know about lady bugs And their ancient rituals? *****
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y Sometimes You Meet Someone (On Bich-Thuy) 11-29-1968 Often I slip into thoughts of Thuy. _____ 1. Sometimes you meet someone you think you love But also know she’ll be all too hard to keep. Even though you’ve tried before You try to convince yourself That things have changed − That she has changed − That this time things will be different − That this will be a new beginning. 2. You want and need her so much That you think you could almost die for her. But if you’re honest with yourself You know she’ll break your heart again And maybe even worse Than any time before. 3. Despite the love you have for her And despite your breaking heart You know you cannot have her And you’ll have to give her up.
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4. And when you’re alone and thinking of her You’ll sit and stare ahead And swear That everyone knows Exactly what you’re thinking of − But they can’t For no one ever knows What you’re really thinking of − Or how deeply. *****
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“I’m Not Happy” 9-15-2011 A persistent theme. 1. When I wake up in the morning The first thing I sadly say to myself is, “I’m not happy.” 2. Why are these words The first words in my head? Why is the day so threatening? What do I want from Life? And what will it take To change my dim perspective of it? Will there ever come a time When I’ll look forward to each day Instead of dreading what it holds? 3. Why am unable to find enough in Life To change this disheartening morning preamble? What will it take to generate A better outlook on Life That’ll have me waking up With more encouraging words in my heart?
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4. Have I set my threshold of satisfaction Too high? Or my threshold of sensitivity Too low? Why can’t I start my day On a more positive note? 5. Each night I go to sleep Wishing for a miracle Only to find That little has changed by morning: That my wishes hadn’t been granted, That I’m still a frog and not a prince, That my numbers hadn’t hit again, That my heart’s unrest hasn’t calmed, That my worried face is still the same one in my shaving mirror, And that everything’s the sorry same as it was the day before Where I’m still waking up saying to myself, “I’m not happy.” 6. Though it’s not likely that things will ever change Either in my mind or in the world I keep hoping that one day they will And I’ll wake up with something to say Other than, “I’m not happy.” *****
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y Leave A Little Goodbye Gift 1-11-2014 Leave something on your way out of life. _____ 1. As you leave with Death And before the house awakens Leave a little gift in the foyer as you go out. 2. Leave a little gift in the foyer To show your respect, gratitude and appreciation For having been their guest. 3. Leave a little gift in the foyer So they’ll remember your parting thoughtfulness In knowing that as you left You had them in your heart and mind And will be taking their memory with you Wherever you go. *****
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y Who I Was 2-9-2014 My works will represent a summary of my life. _____ 1. My music, poetry, home videos, journals, photo albums Collections, memorabilia and other such works Are all the things that represent and reflect my life And the life I had with my family. 2. All those things represent A synopsis of my life, My personal portrait, And the closing statements at my trial. 3. I won’t need to explain or say anything directly myself For it’ll all be there − All the ingredients will be there From which you can formulate your opinions And draw your own conclusions As to who I was And what I was all about. *****
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y Onions And Sour Pickles 2-20-2014 Little hope for a good crop. _____ 1. The grubs ate the roots Of everything I planted And the birds ate the fruit Of anything that survived. 2. From top to bottom I’ll have a disappointing harvest If anything at all. 3. So an ugly meal Of onions and sour pickles Is what I’m facing for my supper. *****
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y Just By Association (On Tom Carroll And I) 12-6-2013 Thinking of Tom Carroll when we worked together. _____ 1. When he walked into a room Everyone stared at him. He was handsome And had that executive presence about him. And as for me I was only an appendage But Because I was with him I assumed some of the presence he had − Just by association. 2. He had charisma and charm as well And again − Just by association − So did I.
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3. And when he spoke He was engaging and articulate And held everyone’s attention in silence. It were as though he was an oracle And everyone was waiting with baited breath To hear what he had to say. And whatever he said was believable Because he had that presence about him And the gift of eloquence That was reinforced by his good looks and charm. And as for me Whatever I said Had a similar authoritative ring to it − Just by association. 4. Although I was just his sidekick Everyone could see That we were friends and a team And how comfortable he was with me. Therefore I assumed Some of the stature and awe that he had − Just by association. 5. Due to an unfortunate falling out We’re no longer friends And that magical gift of association Has gone with it.
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6. It was good though while it lasted And an experience that I’ll never forget − The exhilarating experience Of being more than who I was − Just by association. *****
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y From A Routine To No Routine 2-19-2014 Getting used to having no routine. _____ 1. After having a strict routine when you were working − And one that was so much dictated by others − It will be hard to deal with having no routine When you retire. 2. Going from a structured environment To a non-structured one All at once Will be somewhat disconcerting. 3. Going from seeing your chalkboard Filled with instructions prepared by someone else To seeing a blank one And having to write your own instructions Will be challenging And take a little getting used to. *****
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I Can’t Go Into The Darkness Alone 5-20-2009 Needing some courage for now. _____ 1. I can’t go into the darkness Alone and by myself – Not yet anyway − For now I still need back-up and support. 2. I’m therefore forced to make An embarrassing cold-call to Courage, Introduce myself, Then sheepishly ask for her help. 3. Someday I might be strong enough To go into it alone But for now I’m not quite ready. *****
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I’ve Had An Interesting Life (Cause And Effect) 11-6-2009 A trite, non all-inclusive and rambling poem about some of my experiences. _____ 1. The other day I was reflecting upon my life in general And a few things popped into my head And then onto paper. 2. I’ve had a few defining moments in my life That literally turned my life around For which I’m very grateful. 3. I took six months of music lessons And somewhere in that brief encounter I discovered an avocation that I truly loved. 4. When my mother died I wrote my first poem which was about her Which launched me on a lifetime of writing poetry − Something good Came out of something bad.
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5. I joined the Navy for 4 years During the Vietnam War Which forced me to assume a great deal of responsibility Exposed me to the world And, as best as I can describe it, Helped me become a man. 6. I worked my way through college While holding down a full time job. Then I got my CPA And then my Masters degree at night And was off to a decent career. 7. I’ve had a full range of personal experiences With the three dichotomies of love: Rejection, infatuation and love Out of which I found a loyal and loving wife. 8. I was blessed with two dear children Who have filled my heart with love and appreciation More than words can describe. 9. I’ve travelled all around the world Covering continents rather than just countries − Visiting all their major cities and their night clubs on the week-ends And all their major jungles, mountains and rivers during the week − Which were priceless life-experiences.
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10. I’ve lived and worked 4 years in South America Which was another priceless life-experience Living in another culture And speaking a foreign language. 11. I bought a 100 year old house in Connecticut And spent 7 ½ years renovating it myself Which became another life-experience And a lesson in what you can do when you have to. 12. I’ve been in many extreme and scary situations when I was young Including coming close to going to jail and ruining my life And on three occasions – In Brooklyn, Trinidad, and Africa − Coming close to losing my life. 13. Somewhere early in my life I was fortunate to have acquired a love for learning Which has been One of my most precious and rewarding gifts. 14. These, and a range of many other experiences − Too many to mention – When combined with both good luck and bad Have enriched my life with gifts and challenges That have profoundly broadened and deepened me.
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15. I’ve often wondered though As to which was the cause And which was the effect: Was it my experiences That made me who and what I am? Or was it me Who made my experiences come to me? 16. I’ve been up − and I’ve been down. I’ve been good − and I’ve been bad. I’ve been wild − and I’ve been tame And I’ve been this – and I’ve been that. So looking back I have to say That I’ve had a very interesting life. *****
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y Good Work And Gibberish 12-16-2009 Trite poetry is more plentiful than good poetry. _____ 1. There’s so much stuff inside my head and heart Clamoring to get out And wanting to assemble themselves on paper. But most of what comes out Is often little more than gibberish. 2. But some – And only some of what I write – Will find a way to extricate itself From the bog of gibberish That it’s usually mired in And become something worthwhile. 3. Good poetry Is always out-numbered and out-bullied By gangs of gibberish And very little good stuff Ever makes it out alive. Gibberish On the other hand Is, unfortunately, both strong and prolific.
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4. For any good work to emerge From all its boorish competition A writer must possess either of two talents: First Have outstanding natural writing talents Or second Be disciplined and hard-working enough To be able to turn a mediocre poem Into something decent. ~ Whatever good work emerges Will most likely come From these two sources. 5. And as for me Whatever good poetry might emerge from me Will most likely come from the later – Hard work and discipline − Rather than from any natural talent And then Often only after a life and death struggle. 6. And whatever good poetry does survive May still die By its own or someone else’s sword Or From a lonely, natural, and anonymous death All by itself. *****
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y I Have To Fight It All The Time (Whatever It Is) 12-16-2009 Hurdles I have to deal with in life. _____ 1. To get anything worthwhile done – Even to get through the day – I sometimes have to fight A sort of mild depression. If depression isn’t the right word I’ll call it a form of pessimism. And if that’s not the right word either I’ll call it plain old worry. And if none of those labels fit Then I’ll call it simply malaise. 2. This depression, pessimism, malaise − Or whatever you may call it That I get caught in Distracts from my concentration And reduces my energy, efficiency and productivity Causing me to have to do things Over and over again sometimes With the end result – Even after all that extra effort − Of it being little more than mediocre.
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3. This depression, pessimism, malaise − Or whatever you may call it – Is also so distractive and self-defeating sometimes That I almost don’t even care about the quality Of anything I’m doing And rather more about Just getting it over with. 4. This depression, pessimism, malaise – Or whatever you may call it – Sometimes makes me want to Withdraw into myself And at times even drop out of life itself – A life in which I sometimes feel I’m barely living in anyway. 5. So I have to fight this thing all the time − Whatever it is And whatever you may call it − Whenever it gets a hold of me. *****
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The Ladder Hadn’t Moved 2-26-2010 A Newark NJ subway station story. _____ 1. They closed the subway stairs For some needed repairs And placed a ladder there Just to let us know “They’re working on it.” 2. A week went by – Then two – Then a month – Then two – And the ladder was still there In the exact same spot it was On the first day I saw it. It hadn’t moved an inch.
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3. For months now We’ve not been able to use the stairs And forced to walk three times the normal distance − Often out in the cold, rainy and windy weather outside − To get to another entrance and exit And all because The ladder hadn’t moved. 4. They placed the ladder there To let us know that “They’re working on it.” But now we know That it was just a prop. *****
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y Who Am I? 2-18-2010 Subjective questions. _____ 1. Before I die I’d like to know the kind of person I was. 2. Our minds are expert liars about ourselves And often only tell us what we want to hear. But our hearts are more honest And usually always tell us the truth. 3. So what shall I do? Ask my mind? Or ask my heart? 4. But either way There’s always the risk That I may not get the answer I want From either of them. *****
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y Wanting To Be Alone But Not 2-23-2010 Mixed emotions about being with people. _____ 1. I’m a very private person And not so comfortable with people Which manifests itself in many ways. 2. For example: When I arrive at a business or social event I try to arrive as late as possible Because I just don’t feel all that comfortable With the people I’ll meet And all the social small talk That I’ll be forced to engage in. And when I leave I try to leave as early as possible For the same reason. I like to arrive late and leave early To keep my people-contact To a minimum.
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3. Whenever I’m with people I feel somewhat awkward and unsure of myself Which often shows right through Making me an easy target And easy pickin’s For anybody who wants to take advantage. My insides easily become my outsides. And just like animals People sense weakness And often capitalize on it. 4. No matter how much I want to be with people I’m somewhat uncomfortable in their presence And have a tendency To want to extricate myself from them And withdraw into myself Which sometimes Is not such a comfortable place either. 5. No matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to cure my lame condition And so I guess I’ll just have to accept it And maybe live with this limp all my life. 6. Uncomfortable on the inside And uncomfortable on the outside – Wanting to be with people, but not really − Wanting to be alone, but not really either. ***** 259
y The Feel Of Money In Your Pocket 2-26-2010 The good feeling of money close to you. _____ 1. I never keep my money in my wallet. Rather, I keep it in my side pants pocket For easy access But more so For the security and intimate feel you get Of it just being there Right next to your body And readily accessible to the touch. 2. Forget also about getting any similar Or intimate feeling From having money in the bank For that’s just too remote and intangible. And as for credit cards They’re not real money anyway And are just plastic-cold And don’t give you that warm and fuzzy feeling That you get from having paper money In your pocket.
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3. A little paper money in your pocket Is like a reassuring lucky charm That you can touch, stroke and fondle Anytime you want and anywhere you are: When standing on a line, Walking down the street, Or riding in an elevator, Whenever. And wherever. 4. With that little bit of money in your pocket And the knowledge that it’s there – Close to you In its purest and most tangible, softest and intimate form − Makes something That is normally not considered personal − Very personal And something That’s often referred to as cold cash − Warm and fuzzy. *****
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