N.24 / V.55

KA KITZ ĀPŌPZ (MISS U ANGEL)

Remember when I said I was an unreliable narrator? Well that’s half-true. But I’m sitting here listening to Cherry Wine - live by Hozier, and reflecting on the year and the things I’ve said. There’s a light breeze blowing and I’m pondering on the successes we’ve had at Nexus, the friendships formed, and the way I’ve created my family in this team. Though, most importantly, I’ve grown so much.

Not just in my way of thinking but also my level of mental maturity. I still tell the same jokes, but my managerial skills and diplomacy have all improved tenfold and I’ve loved every moment of being in charge.

When I came into this role, the level of fear I had writing and submitting that for all to see had me on the edge. It’s an obvious answer though, it all comes down to that tingly feeling that sits right in the limbic system – made up of the hippocampus, amygdala, hypothalamus, and thalamus (you know, those triangles from Maths in year 8). Creatives are faced with that anxious feeling of judgement as someone picks up your mahi and turns it in their fingers. But here’s the thing: it doesn’t fucking matter man.

Nexus has had its ups and downs this year, with writers leaving and new ones starting. We’ve seen the death of Her Royal Majesty, the rise of petrol to astronomical rates, veges at staggering highs, and more ducks being raped per capita in our lake. But all these things come with the positives. We’ve had some of the strongest narratives

being told through these pages, celebrating 55 years of shitposting and those 54 editors before me that have left their mark on the UoW history. The WSU is thriving, with staff that have been nothing but endlessly helpful in the processes to run this Union the way it should be run. My account has several transactions made at the student bar. A couply cheeky bevs after mahi is my small part in supporting the ongoing success of ventures made by WSU.

Back to the unreliable narrator part though (I swear I cannot stay on topic if my life depended on it). I’ve spent 24 issues (minus the 25th thanks Tehana ya lad) convincing you all that I’m a halfway decent person in a menial attempt to meet your standard for what an Editor should be. We’ve had our ups and downs, you’ve all read me at my worst but also at my absolute best. We’ve chatted about politics, sports, and all those things in between. Shit, I even got drugged in an attempt to write a story. And it was a hella good one man. I hope that I’ve provided insightful commentary on things that sort of matter and those things that definitely don’t. You’ve stuck it out with me, and I’ll be endlessly grateful for the trust you’ve placed in me as your voice and direction for Nexus this year. I’m not an inherently sappy person but fuck off, I’m allowed to emotional over the last issue right?

I’m not sure what the future holds or whether I’ll be back but for now, ka kitz and I hope you’ve all enjoyed the ride this year. I know I have. See you when I’m looking at you –From your unproblematic uncle.

I wanted to be a lot of things growing up, graphic designer, spy, teacher, writer. Now I’m doing a masters in science and contemplating adding a screen and media diploma into my qualifications mix because lol why not

When I was younger I wanted to be either a NBA player or a musician.

I had a few different things I wanted to be when I grew up most notably I wanted to be a horse, paknsave checkout girl, fairy, vet and a mermaid. I milk cows now

when i was a kid, i wanted to be an alien hunter. i made myself business cards and everything. somehow along the way i ended up being one of those assholes in an office with two monitors

Earliest recollection was having complete faith I’d one day be an All Black, thanks in large part to Weetbix propaganda. Dreams were shattered roughly 3 minutes in to my first real game of rugby in year 7

I wanted to be a sparky aye.

As a child, I wanted to be a scientist. To do research that makes the world a better place. How did I go about getting there you might ask? Well, I moved to Hamilton and I’m now a qualified chemist staring at the endless void of academia and it stared back…

I wanted to be a model when I grow up :)

When I was a kid, I wanted to be the tooth fairy. This dream came from seeing the tooth fairy at a fair. The illusion was ruined when I saw her smoking a dart and driving away in a beat-up Camry.

When I grow up I want to be famous, I want to be a star, I want to have boobies (or was it groupies). Oh and obviously every dolphin girly’s dream was to be a marine biologist.

When I grow up I want to be a volcanologist – or a surgeon. I can’t do maths. Or tell the time on a clock. I like finding bugs, have a fucking ugly fringe and needed glasses and no one got me glasses, so I haven’t learned to read properly yet. Where I am now: I realised at like age 10 that my hopes of anything mathsrelated were doomed. I still can’t tell the time on a clock. So, here I am, studying law.

I wanted to be a barber, I used to practice cutting hair on my teddies and family.

When I was six, I wanted to be a teacher. Not because I wanted to inspire curiosity, or educate the next generation of children, but because I really wanted the job of cleaning whiteboard marker off the whiteboard. It looked super satisfying. Now I’m getting ready to start a diploma in journalism next year, but sometimes if I’m in a room with a whiteboard, I rub a little bit of marker off with my finger. Living the dream.

As a kid, I wanted to be a doctor… but I would probably faint at the sight of a lot of blood. I also suck at bio. And making decisions. Then I wanted to be a tennis player because for some reason I had a crush on Rafael Nadal?? Yeah nah. Now I’m just happy to be here.

What did I want to be growing up? I can’t tell ya mate. Honestly, I had no idea then and I still don’t know. I think when I was six I was so excited about the idea of space, that I wanted to be an astronaut. I wanted to be the first woman through the asteroid belt, but then I got old enough to realise that was a death wish and it was safer just to stay on earth (but at the rate the climate crisis is progressing I may have been better off in space, ammiright?!).

When I was younger I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up. Either a teacher or Peter pans girlfriend who got to fly off out the window at night. Sadly, I am not either of those things but I still hold out hope.

BEST & WORST

Best: The Norwegian Cyborg

Hovering just north-east of the UK sits a secret laboratory with walls covered in jars of every variety, their labels translate from Norwegian to ‘pace’ and ‘physicality’. Erling Haaland was created in this lab to break the English Premier League, and so far he’s doing exactly that. Joining an already impressive Manchester City roster, the 22-year old striker is on pace to obliterate goal scoring records, having tallied 14 in just eight league games.

Best: Gold Rush for Andrews

The University of Waikato’s own Ellesse Andrews emerged as a true cycling sensation following a four-medal haul at New Zealand’s best Commonwealth Games to date. Adding to a brilliant Olympic debut last year, Andrews dominated the track cycling field with three golds and a silver. An unsurprising result for someone born to be on two wheels with mum Angela an international mountain biker and dad Jon a bronze medal cyclist at the 1990 games.

Worst: Draymond Green’s Friendly Fire

Insufferable macho energy mutating into physical violence is nothing new in sport, but it’s a shade rarer when it happens between teammates and captured on video. Draymond Green’s flying sucker punch on Jordan Poole during a Golden State Warriors team practice is yet another smudge on an already blotchy career. The 11-year veteran boats a CV packed full of trash talking and spastic body flails that always seem to collide with his opponent’s testicles.

Worst: Chess Cheating Scandal

19 year-old Hans Niemann set the world of chess on fire following a run-in with reigning world champ Magnus Carlsen in which Carlsen subtly then not so subtly suggested Niemann cheated. The fallout included a comprehensive and damning chess.com investigation and a reddit conspiracy theory suggesting vibrating anal beads linked to a super computer as Niemann’s method of cheating.

WORST OF SPORTS

Best: Chris the Double Ironman

American Chris Nikic, the first person with Down Syndrome to finish an ironman-distance triathlon, recently repeated the feat, this time at the World Championships, another historic first. Growing up with a love for basketball and golf, Nikic has always ignored perceived limitations and shown a true dedication to his craft, training 3-8 hours a day in the lead up to the 226-kilometre race which he completed on his 23rd birthday.

Best: Super Rugby Aupiki

2022 featured the inaugural season of Super Rugby Aupiki, a competition boasting the very best of women’s rugby and designed as a stepping stone between NZ competitions, aptly named Aupiki meaning ‘the ascent to the upper most realm’. Despite a number of Covid related interruptions the season finished with a dominant final and will return in 2023 with a longer schedule and first-time female head coaches Victoria Grant (Hurricanes Poua) and Crystal Kaua (Chiefs Manawa).

Worst: Serena says Goodbye

The greatest player in the history of women’s tennis, Serena Williams, took her final bow after a dominating 27-year career. Credited with paving the way for a new generation of female players, Williams not only racked up a staggering 23 Grand Slams and four Olympic gold medals, she also stood as a true role model to everyone in her orbit. An unrelenting mix of athleticism and determination, her impact on the game will be felt long after her retirement.

Worst: The Putrid Darcy Swain Cleanout

It’s hard enough for rugby players north of 100kgs to keep their knees intact without other big bodies launching at them from awkward angles. One such grubby moment occurred in a Bledisloe Cup game that will likely feature in Australia’s ‘worst of sport’ list for an altogether different reason. It took Wallabies’ Darcy Swain just seconds to side-line All Blacks midfielder Quinn Tupaea for months in an awful, mindless cleanout.

Oliver Dunn

05BEST MOVIES

Tehana De Klerk

The Batman - The story, character development, cinematography, and realism were too good to simply say you don’t like Robert Pattinson. It really shed new light on the character of Batman, and it showed a true representation of a crime-ridden Gotham City.

Hustle - Who doesn’t love Adam Sandler?

And in a serious movie? Sports films can be so underwhelming, but I assure you, this was not.

At least that’s what I was told, heh. If you love basketball and need a good film, here you go.

Elvis - Can confirm that you will be a blushing mess during this film. Truly good acting and cinema. I’m still blushing. My mum was in love with Elvis as a kid (she didn’t know he was already… ya know) and she cried watching this- it’s that good.

Jujutsu Kaisen 0 - Don’t tell me this came out in December 2021 (did it? I feel like Google is lying to me) because I don’t care. The fight scenes were fucking amazing. The animation and the voice acting, both sub and dub, were too. There were a shitload of flashbacks though, but eh. Satoru Gojo, hand in marriage please?.

Jurassic World: Dominion - People really dislike this movie, and I get why it isn’t all that grand, but I fucking loved it. The OG trilogy remains unrivalled, but this just made my heart smile. It really wrapped up the Jurassic World trilogy, and we got to see Alan Grant, Ellie Sattler, and Ian Malcolm

Thor: Love and Thunder - Marvel, what the fuck? You’ve actually fallen off the edge. Fuck you. Taika Waititi really made a romcom set postEndgame and expected us to enjoy it. With that cast, it could’ve been great, but it wasn’t. Christian Bale’s back must hurt from carrying this film.

After Ever Happy - I fucking hate these movies. They are dogshit, okay? Wake up to reality and hop off of Hardin Scott’s dick. It’s like a really bad mix of teen stupidity and angst, college life, and 50 Shades of Grey. Also, wasn’t it originally a Harry Styles fanfiction?

WORST MOVIES

Tehana De Klerk

Morbius - Lol, it’s Morbin time.

Senior Year - Rebel Wilson was great in Pitch Perfect, but she’s not actually that funny. Case closed.

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness - How you go from one of the best MCU films to one of the worst I don’t know. Is there an award for that? I miss the good ol’ days. This sequel may have redeemable qualities, but it really fucked up Scarlet Witch’s character. The acting was class though so… but no! It was a shit movie.

1. Coke Zero being discontinued and merging with Coke No Sugar to create Coke Zero Sugar.

2. The Odd Company changing their packaging; the little people on the cans were cool and now they just look like the dollar drinks you buy at the dairy.

3. The price of capsicums reaching five dollars at one point.

4. The weather, seriously why the fuck did it rain so much??

5. Contact Energy – talk about a pain in my fucking ass (freshers this the power bill company).

6. Lift + being discounted.

10ish. Jayden Meyer being sentence to 9 months home dentition for raping four teenagers. Like what the actual fuck New Zealand justice system.

11. The fact that I put 3 pairs of AirPods through the wash –sounds like a me problem though.

12. RnV getting canned, not once, but twice. I didn’t even have tickets but what a stitch up.

13. Minimum Wage being increased. Talk about a temporary fix and one step closer to a recession! (controversial opinion).

14. O’Week being canned, smh how did freshers even make friends this year?

15. America banning abortions – whilst this doesn’t affect me personally, still kind of a scary world to have a pair of ovaries in.

16. Jack Harlow releasing First Class after overhyping it on TikTok, only for it to be shit as when it was released.

17. Like 30 cars getting flat tyres because of that stupid pothole on the Kamias. Smh, where are my tax dollars going?

18. Vaccine Mandates coming to an end and Uni actually being in person (not that I actually ever went to class or cared about the mandate, just kind of a stitch up that I’m now expected to contribute to university life) .

KAT’S 50ISH THINGS THAT MILDLY

ANNOYED HER

19. Ned Fulmer cheating on his missus. Like c’mon bro your clearing punching and u go and balls all that up.

30ish. Petrol being like over $3 a litre at one point. Like I've got to pay to get from A to B, but I'm not happy about it.

31. Koalas being declared an endangered species, The only group of species to probably have statistically more Chlamydia than anyone who lives in Hamilton.

35. Euphoria Season 2, it's just so overrated, go back to Shake It Up pls Zendaya x.

36. The whole big covid fuck around, cough cough u have to stay inside for 7-10 days.

37. Betty White dying on the first day of the year.

40ish. The queen dying – rip to our favourite coloniser

41. King Charles becoming King. Talk about the worst nepotism baby ever.

42. Khloe Kardashian having a child with Tristain Thompson, like did you not learn after the first three baby mamas?

43. Russia declaring war on Ukraine. Putin is fucking crazy and we are watching history unfold (or the end of the world, cause like, WW3 gonna wipe us out).

44. My whole TikTok fyp being ‘You just got Krissed’ for like a whole month.

45. The council cracking down on not picking up overfilled rubbish bins. Like what else am I supposed to do with it?

46. Snapchat being broken for 5hours like 3weeks ish ago, talk about being stripped of a basic human right.

50ish. Coke Zero no longer exists. Rest In Paradise Coke Zero, gone but never forgotten.

Katrina Jones

QEII

Coolio

Morgan Freeman

Olivia Newton-John Meat loaf

Betty White

Sacheen Littlefeather Bill Russell

Bob Saget

Tom Parker

Gilbert Gottfried

Mikhail Gorbachev

In Memoriam

Seamus Lohrey

QEII - After 70 years on the throne, Queen Liz proved she wasn’t immortal and finally passed on. Whether you like her or not, 7 decades is an impressive innings, raise the bat Lizzo.

Coolio - Known for making some good music including one of the most iconic songs there is in ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’.

I cannot believe I went all these years without knowing his real name is Artis Leon Ivey Jr.

Morgan Freeman - Joking!

Olivia Newton-John - This one made a lot of people sad, especially the mums of the world. She sang, she acted, and had a strangely satisfying name.

Meat loaf - Not the food, the person.

Betty White - She died just before the stroke of 2022 on New Years Eve but I’m still counting it because of how legendary she is. An old lady that looked like she baked bomb cookies but at the same time could kick your ass with ease. An international treasure who almost made it to 100, damn.

Sacheen Littlefeather - A name not many

of us know but heaps of us should. One of the early worldwide figures in indigenous rights when she refused Marlon Brando's Oscar on his behalf because of the racist portrayal of native Americans in cinema.

Bill Russell - Dunked, blocked shots, and won a lot of championships. Also an awesome civil rights activist.

Bob Saget - He told jokes and acted. Strangely, he was the voice of old Ted from ‘How I Met Your Mother’ despite not actually playing the character.

Tom Parker - Was a heartthrob in the 2010’s boy band ‘The Wanted’ whose most famous song was ‘Glad You Came’. He performed in musical theatre for a bit until he passed away at the age of 33.

Gilbert Gottfried - I remember his fine artistic work as the voice of the parrot from Aladdin.

Mikhail Gorbachev - Last President of the Soviet Union. He played a big role in ending the Cold War, he withdrew Soviet troops from Afghanistan, and intentionally slowed the Nuclear Arms Race down with the USA. Under his reign the Soviet Union dissolved.

by Last Place

S.U.N.Z

Jak

Fomo Tings:

Follow them: @something.ultra. new.zealand

Brief rundown on the name.

SUNZ is an acronym for Something Ultra New Zealand

Tell us who’s who in the band?

-Zonny – AKA The Flow (Rapper, Artist) -Willsy – Bass/ Chill guy -Caamzie – AKA Funk Master Z (Rapper/ MC)

-Hugh McKendrey - Drums -Joe Cole – Guitar/ Vocals -MC MOUSE – AKA Sé (Rapper/MC)

If you had to explain your sound without using music terms, how would you do it?

Sunglasses riding a surfboard

What’s everyone's favourite bevvy and snack lineup?

SUNZ have a variety of favourites snacks and drinks, a couple classic combos include;

-Hawkes Bay Lager + A double smash burger from Black Bettys Barbecue

-Oat Flat White from Haumoana Coffee + Cauliflower tacos from Fork n Noise =Export Low Carb Lager + Thai Sweet Chilli Doritos

If you could have anyone open for you, who would it be?

Led Zeppelin feat Kanye West or if they’re not available, six60

Local bands you’re frothing and we should be too?

- Sandy Sheets

- Suzy Blue

- Tropical Downbeat Orchestra

- Scarlett Eden band

- Masslands

What is the one thing you want to achieve as a band?

20 hacky sacks in a row

What’s on the horizon for SUNZ, what should we be on the lookout for?

- EP release 11/11/22

- 12/11 we are playing stop 4 of the msft productions NZ tour, Yot Club raglan

- 26/11 SUNZ EP release show at Peak House, Havelock north.

- Our new website www.sunzmusic.com (All dates and tickets will be available there)

50ish Worst People

30. Nexus

We’ve been pretty fucking bad, and deserving of the 30th spot. But honestly? Can’t cop as much grief as some of these other fuckers; our biggest mistake was forgetting to select a winner for snapped a couple of times. Pack it up.

LOVE FROM JAK & THE NEXUS TEAM

As is a tradition, we at Nexus spend our last issue being salty cunts and deciding to shit on some people. 2022 has sort of been a lacklustre year in comparison but here we are, still coming with (almost 50) worst people to round out te list. We almost did a best list but we thought fuck it - we’re suckers for a traditon. So enjoy our final fuck you to all the people that made it a shit one.

29. Ned Fulmer

Ned Fulmer - A great representation of all the cheating little bitches that overcompensate by love bombing and being an all around little douchebag.

28. Kyla Campbell-Kamariera

We just miss you whaea. Let’s stay mad that you’re gone but not forgotten.

27. Jada & Will

The cheater, the beater, and the eater. These two have been on a downward spiral ever since the punch heard around the world. Jada is an insufferable knowit-all and Will needs help. Match made in heaven.

26. Liam Payne

Fuck, let us dry our tears on our Fine Line towel, while streaming Our Town and just admiring Zayn. Overall, he wasn’t lying, but he’s also a bit of a dumb-cunt.

Focus on being a dad bro.

25. Brittney Griner

Puff puff pass Aunty. We know it was a mistake, but honestly? Who’s travelling with dope these days. What kind of fuckwit.

24. Trisha Paytas

Imagine using crying and emotional manipulation to make your audience fall for you, only to turn your daughter's birth into a brand-deal by naming her Malibu Barbie. Malibu. Fucking. Barbie.

23. Joe Rogan

The ika rots from the head. And where else would you find the root of all angry meninists than the humble halls of the Joe Rogan Podcast. “I listen for the guests” then seek out the guests? Right?

22. James Shaw

The less popular co-leader, Shaw was almost pushed completely from the eyes of Greens Supporters. But like cockroaches, and Cher, he rose from the ashes and is on a vendetta. Against who? Fuck knows, but he’s here.

21. Mason Greenwood

This may not be confirmed but it’s an allegory for sports stars just getting off because they’re handsome and can run fast. How about you just fire the cunt, there’s about 7 kids from Boy’s High that could do a better job mate.

20. Salient

Another year of watching Salient produce what can only be described as “professional journalism”. Congratulations on your union having a more fucked name than your uni. Te Rōpū Tauira O Te Whare Wānaga o Te Upoko Ō Te ika a Māui just rolls off the tongue.

19. Ezra Miller

Apart from his absolutely abysmismal performance in that Harry Potter movie, Ezra has been on the run multiple times and we wish the fucker would just stay gone. We don’t need to talk about Ke(zra) vin.

18. Ime Udoka

Ain’t got shit to say except fuck you for Nia Long. Fuck you Ime.

17. Gabbie Hanna

It’s both a concern for her health and a plea to Tiktok to delete her account. She’s both a mix of mental breakdown and serious under-researched bullshit claims. Yikes.

16. Amber & Johnny

We’re not taking sides in a matter that should never have become as publicised as it did. At the end of the day, give em both the Oscar and let’s call it a day. Also Kate Moss for best supporting, brought tears to my eyes.

15. Kanye West

Ye has been on a slippery slope since his subsequent divorce from the former half of Kimye, but his flow-through relationships, erratic online presence, and recent support of White Lives Matter has caused nothing but confusion and sadness. You okay uncle?

14. Sam Uffindell

While we can forgive the trashing of a flat during your Uni days (been there), we can’t forgive how shit you look in blue. It’s not your colour mate, so how about you punch another school kid and we’ll call it even.

13. Prince Andrew

It’s old news, we know, but Prince Andrew should always be in a list of worst people for liking young kids. Allegedly of course, but it makes it worse when you compare him to the beauty and grace that is his angel of a sister. Fuck you Andrew.

12. Elon Musk

As someone with all the money, Musk is walking proof that money can’t buy a clue and we just wanna say “get a clue you fucking idiot”. And also, stay out of Chinese and Taiwanese politics, you’re delusional if you think your opinion ever mattered. Waaait, he’s every twitter incel ever, now it makes sense.

11. Addison Rae’s Parents

Addison Rae’s Parents - Riding YungGravy’s jock or just being a douchelord of epic proportions. Sheri and Monty need to sort out their priroites while they ride the Rae-train to monetary heights.

Dishonourable Mentions

Shit Lecturers

Cuba Gooding Jr

Novak Djokovic

DaBaby

Mariah Carey

Kevin Spacey

Doja Cat

Ricky Martin

Lizzo

Taylor Swift

Pete Davidson

Anyone in ACT

Anyone in New Conservative

Anyone in NZ Outdoors & Freedom Party

Marama Davidson

King Charles III

Every Nexus Editor Ever (fuck you cunts)

YungGravy

Tony Lopez

Austin McBroom

10. Jak Rāta

Our evil overlord, or overbearing uncle. Either way, Jak has been nothing short of tyrannical as he storms a room and demands progress. He’s one combover and a bad tan job from being D.Trump. And then he tells us he MAY return next year? Well you won’t see us at the brunt end of his shitty mood swings and un realistic deadlines again. Good luck to next year's team.

09. Jacinda Ardern

While it’s been a tough year for Luxon, what with him changing occupations from Fat Controller to Meth maker, he’s been consistent. It’s no secret that we’re not a fan of the glued-together humpty dumpty – mans is still there and standing for something he’s quite passionate about. Though we can’t tell what he cares for more, death to Māori or mentioning Women’s breasts far too often.

08. Chris Luxon

The lesser of two evils, but Ardern has lost the faith she once had in her followers. While she's an alumni, so kia ora, it’s hard to defend her with some of the shitty financial decisions being masked by futile cost of living adjustments in the form of a few measly payments. Thanks CIndy, no tomatoes this year for Xmas babes.

07. Neil Quigley

Probably not deserving of being this high up, but the blueballs we’re all getting from waiting on this fucking Pā has us about ready to throw in the towel. Hurry the fuck up Quigz, we wanna see the whare and buy shit from (fingerscrossed) the campus shop so people know we came here. Please?

06. Liz Truss

Cut funding, NHS Crisis, Monarch Mishaps, and just generally fucking shit up – Truss has our vote for the the most lacklustre starting jump for a PM ever. Rolling off the back of Boris, hopes were high but weren’t misled. Liz, the lesser of the Mary’s, has been a fucking shitshow to say the least. Hoping this next year is easier for you aunty.

05. Brian Tamaki

The self-proclaimed apostle and aspiring politician has been nothing but a human version of a thumb. He remains our resi dent batshit cunt, but upon the introduc tion of New Nation Party and Outdoors Party into Vision NZ, he’s been down right insane. Nothing fuels anger more than the completely empty ramblings of a man that has lost direction and sanity, just preaching upon the empty ears of those poor helpless souls.

04. Ram-Raiders

Nothing screams good cunt like taking 10 of your mates and robbing a jeweller in the middle of Te Awa – fuck that’s hot. How about you stop playing GTA5 Heist and get your shit together rather than picking on Chartwell Takeaways. Hope the ripped $5 note and 3 huck in change was worth making a fool of yourself when you couldn’t figure out how plastic plex-glass works. You fucking idiots. Though, can you use one of our cars next? Needing a new bumper aye.

03. Anaru Tate

At his core he is actually quite sweet… okay now that we’ve satisfied the hordes of male supremacists, this cunt needs a swift kick to the johnson. Just one massive wounder who we’re sure would do great studying strategic management or some shit-cunt degree at Auckland Uni. He hasn’t left a great taste in everyone's mouth, stink nut fuckface.

02. Vladamir Putin

There’s not a lot you can say about Putin that doesn’t end with you calling him a suck-fest with a capital hard on. Putin has completely destroyed the integrity and good dignity that Ukraine once had. Establishing war, restricting trade partnerships, and being an all-around Horse abuser, he’s worthy of the top spot this year. The only thing holding him back from winning is his head of beautiful ha- oh wait. Fuck knows, but fuck you Putin.

01. David Sey

mour

At this point, we’re kinda like a clingy ex. We know we shouldn’t but something is always bringing us back to you Papi David. This year has seen you grow, but closer to the ground where you’re probably getting freaky with Satan. Last year we made a joke that you weren’t deserving of a whole page. This year you’re subject to being in the bottom corner. Count your blessings and fuck you.

Paul

Dansey-White

Mira Arif

Samira Suleiman

Jasmine Campbell

George Liu

Aaliyah Te Whata-Harvey

Halls Food

Food | Seamus Lohrey

Hot take: hall’s food is awesome. This review is a bit like this take, straight out of left field, but there’s only so much music one can listen to and movies one can watch. It’s a take that I know isn’t popular, but I have and will continue to defend it. I just need to spread the good work of Kahurangi Kitchens (I’m not sponsored but boy I wish I was).

Firstly, I must admit that this review is being written in an incredibly positive light after I had the most sublime pizza and wedges for lunch. A slice so big it has to be eaten with a knife and fork with some of that magic barbeque sauce for the wedges that just complimented it ever so kindly. A fantastic start before my noon lecture. I’d also like to outline that the food at my house is great so I am fully qualified to give this review. Trust me.

When I walk into the dining hall and I see a ladle filled with butter chicken my heart skips a beat as if I’m falling in love with orange perfection. The aroma, the flavour, and the texture. No, I will not calm down. It’s come apparent to me that people that hate the hall's food haven’t truly enjoyed the lasagna on offer. It’s warm and in big portions; Garfield would truly approve. I mean realistically, it’s just meat between sheets of pastry, but it’s great so shut up.

88%

Burger day for lunch gets me excited the day before and I’m not exaggerating. I lie in bed the night before just thinking about whether I’ll choose chicken or beef, whether the buns will be toasted, and whether I’ll choose tomato or barbeque sauce. Some may say this is just a dejected reflection of a sad life, I say it shows how exciting my life truly is.

One thing I am growing weary of is banoffee pie. I used to have an affection for bananas, cream, and a thick caramel sauce all merged into one like a weird boy band, but sometimes it feels as if it's the only thing that is being offered for dessert. I’ve just grown tired of it. It’s not you banoffee, it’s me.

It would seem so cruel to end a letter of my love to hall food on a negative note so I’d like to touch on something my friends and I have only just begun to appreciate: the bananas are so yellow. It seems silly I know, it may even seem crazy. They are without blemish or bruise; they are simply yellow. A nice shade of yellow as well. I don’t know how they do it.

This review was never aimed at persuading or convincing, it was more aimed at showing my unbridled appreciation to the people who make and serve my mates and I food every day. In all seriousness, you guys are awesome, so cheers.

Always look on the B side- NAME UL

Music | Chloe Smith 90%

As per last week’s review – you guys know I’m a bit of a dinosaur in the music department. I’m the one you dread getting aux. I listen to a bit of rap here and there, but a lot of it is influenced by what I grew up listening to. Think Cypress Hill. It’s pretty much what your parents listened to, but throw in what your fucking poppa listens to (I’m looking at your CCR songs and Neil Young), and what your mum gets wine drunk too.

So, we’re branching out. This week I’m listening to Look on the B side by Name UL- aka Kiwi Emanuel Psathas. Look on the B Side by Name UL starts off with “Nevermind the void”. This song launches you into the album with building instrumentals, the beat kicking in later. Most of the songs were pretty heavy on the background instrumentals (that’s how you say it… right? I don’t know, but either way you get me… right?). Anyway, it was kind of like a beat, but with chimes. Fuck, ok I give up trying to explain that part- just listen to it and you will get what I meant. Anyway, with the lyrics, they feel pretty heavy- they are delivered with weight. It switches between a rap style, to singing, and back again.

I can see the inspiration in this one from older rap-loaded lyrics with a strong backing track. I bloody loved “GO HOME”, the fifth song on the album. My flatmates hated me when I turned the UE boom up for this one. You know how I opened by saying my rap taste is pretty much Cypress Hill? Well, this album was pretty fucking similar in style. The instrumentals were pretty similar as was the rap style. I actually switched between some Hill songs and this album to compare styles. It’s a more modern old Cypress Hill. The last song on the album, “INTO THE UNKNOWN I WALK”, finishes the album at a faster pace than the first song. Again, like the first song, it alternates between rap and singing.

As a whole, the album was both chill and weighted at the same time. Good for studying, driving, piss-ups, and probably more in between. Well worth the listen for those who love modern rap and old rap. It isn’t often that a new album joins my library but this one has, and that’s says something considering how particular I am. In saying that, if it goes hard, it goes hard and gets added. So this album is taking its spot in my liked songs.

SNAPPEDSNAPPED SNAPPED SNAPPED SNAPPED

SNAPPED SNAPPED SNAPPED SNAPPED

Libra: September 23 — October 22 Ravenclaw. Can confirm that if you do the Pottermore quiz more than once, you’ll get Ravenclaw every fucking time. Your destiny is blue, how sad.

Scorpio: October 23 — November 21 Slytherin. It just fits. Not saying you’re evil, but…

Sagittarius: November 22 — December 21 Gryffindor. You’re like that sunshine character who’s su per nice and bubbly but you’re one brave bitch. People can always rely on you.

Capricorn: December 22 — January 19 Hufflepuff. You’re all about hardwork and dedication, so you’re definitely in the house of yellow. Remember, badgers bite back.

Aquarius: January 20 — February 18 Ravenclaw. You’re probably here because you’re one of those artsy people who thinks they’re different. News flash, the common room is full of y’all.

Pisces: February 19 — March 20 Slytherin. Definitely flaunting those green robes be cause you’re from a strictly pureblood family. “The names Malfoy, Draco Malfoy. Think my name is funny, do you?”

Aries: March 21 — April 19 Gryffindor. Sure, you’re hot-headed and a little aggressive, but you’re very brave and that’s key to being a Gryffindor.

Taurus: April 20 — May 20 Slytherin. Apparently you’re a Hufflepuff, but that doesn’t sound right. You’re too ambitious and cunning to value fair play.

Gemini: May 21 — June 20 Ravenclaw. You might be two-faced, but to be fair a lot of people who think they’re smart are. Also, you look good in blue.

Cancer: June 21 — July 22 Hufflepuff. Are you a team player, or were you put in Hufflepuff because no other house wanted you? Lol, kidding! Maybe up on that patience.

Leo: July 21 — August 22 Gryffindor. Leo is literally represented by a lion… surely that’s all you need. Also, Harry Potter is a Leo. You’re definitely the problem child.

Virgo: August 23 — September 22 Hufflepuff. I think you just told the sorting hat you want ed to be in Hufflepuff because you have the hots for Cedric Diggory. Same.

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