The Ibizan 812 eissue 03 Dec 15

Cover photo: Ibiza Town is the first to light up for Christmas

Golden Fly

“Teledildonics”. Any Ho Ho Ho, Festive Fun Bah Humbug!

Ideas? Ask Amanda p13 Starts Here p8-9 Grumpy Old Men p 7

Let’s Get Festive!

There is no denying we have some grim news in this week’s edition, so once you have dealt with the bad in the world on pages 2 and 3 (and some not so bad), our

advice is to get into the festive spirit—and you have plenty to get you in the mood.

From Food and Drink to the Seasonal Programmes, Crafts for Kiddies and even

some rather interesting gift ideas with Amanda.

Plus there are two grumpy old men to give you a good old bit of Bah Humbug.

Caddisfly larvae build protective cases using materials found in their environment.

Artist Hubert Duprat supplied them with gold leaf and precious stones. This is what they created.

A beautiful curiosity for our cover, for no other reason than being beautiful. Thanks to Jade Gandey for the spot.

The Ibizan, Thursday 26th November 2015, Issue 811

also online at theibizan.com

Page 2

News British father who beat alleged German paedophile to death is spared time in jail.

Consell studying Motor Park proposal

Ibiza Consell are studying the feasibility of building a multipurpose motor circuit in Sant Jordi on land between the main road and the airport. The Automobile Club of Ibiza presented a study last October for ‘The Ibiza Motor Park’ to be located on a private plot of 18 hectares covering several farms. The location was selected for its ideal terrain, ease of access, and the noise footprint from the airport meant it could take advantage of the airport authorities plan to sound-proof housing. In the plans presented, it is proposed to include an asphalt circuit of 2028m for speed and endurance racing for cars and motorcycles, plus autocross, motocross and karting circuits.

Another Serious Accident at San Joan KM13

Three people have been injured in a collision between a car and a motorcycle on the road to Sant Joan at KM13.

While the driver of the car refused to be taken to hospital, the motorcycle rider and passenger - a Spanish man, 54 and his wife, 51, were taken to Can Misses where the man was admitted in serious but stable condition, his wife was discharged the same day.

Woman arrested for driving at 170kph on the Ibiza Bypass

The driver, a French national initials ‘MF’ was caught on Sunday morning by the Guardia Civil driving a family car at 170kph on the E-20 in an 80kph zone.

On inter-urban roads such as the E-20 if the speed limit is exceeded by more than 80kph, the law considers a driver to have incurred ‘a crime against road safety’. The woman was arrested but was released upon proof of residency. As a result she stands to loose her licence for at least a year.

Galician Festival, Nuts, Octopus & Bagpipes.

For the fourth year running the traditional Galician music group Ibiza Ardello Eixo have organised the Feast of the Chestnut-Magosto.

The event will take place on the 5th December 2015 from 6pm—11pm in the multipurpose building of Puig d’en Valls near the football field.

We originally reported on the case in February this year as follows.

A row broke out at a restaurant in San Roque (Cádiz) when a man, now named as British national Kainth Devinder, spotted German Sandro Rottman filming his daughter on a tablet.

Rottman continued to film despite warnings, and paid with his life when Devinder allegedly struck the German on the head. He later died after being admitted to hospital.

Guardia Civil said that Rottman “had been arrested a few days earlier for being in possession of child pornography”.

The confrontation occurred at Spinnaker restaurant in the upmarket Sotogrande port residential development.

An ambulance was called by security staff and took Rottman to hospital, where he later died.

It is understood the alleged attacker had returned home, and was arrested there on the testimony of witnesses at the restaurant.

This case was heard in Algeciras Criminal Court this week and Devinder pleaded guilty to manslaughter.

The court gave him a six month jail sentence, however it is likely to be suspended as Spanish courts tend not to enforce first time offenders prison sentences of less than two years.

The court proceedings were detailed in much of the UK daily press. Metro reported the matter as follows.

Kainth, a millionaire estate agent, was on holiday with his partner Gemma Hawkins and their three young children in Sotogrande when the incident occurred.

His attack on Rottman caused bleeding on the brain which led to the German’s death.

Rottman, a known alcoholic who consumed three bottles of vodka a day, helped organise Katie Price’s trip to the Spanish resort in 2009, and played a role in launching her polo clothing range.

The court accepted that Rottman’s alcohol abuse played a part in his death, and also considered Kainth’s emotional state after seeing the pictures of his daughter when he carried out the attack.

A document released by the court said: ‘When the accused finished eating and got up to leave the restaurant he realised as he talked to Sandro that he had been taking photos of his children without his consent.

‘This really upset the accused and led to him shouting at Sandro that he should erase them whilst he demanded he explain his actions.

‘The tense situation led to a fight in which the accused punched Sandro several times in the head.’

Judge Raquel Gomez Sancho added that the punches alone might have not been enough to kill Rottman, however he suffered from severe liver cirrhosis which led to him dying minutes later.

Food is of course the highlight of the event with traditional Galician dishes such as Galician pie, Octopus á feira, quemeimada, regional specialities including wine, not forgetting roasted chestnuts.

Bagpipe teachers Raúl Galego and Pepe Taboada, are travelling from Galicia especially for the event and will be there to provide music and also a masterclass of the bagpipe including its history, which will take place on Friday 4th at 6pm.

The Ibizan, Thursday 26th November 2015, Issue 811

also online at theibizan.com

Page 3

News

Agreement reached on new port building

After a long battle between Ibiza town council and the Balearic port authority (APB), agreement has finally been made for the design of the new terminal building to replace what was described as the “behemoth” that stood before it.

The new building will cost 600,000 and has some special facilities differing from those initially planned. The roof area will serve as a public view point over the sea and Dalt Vila. This will be accessed by an amphitheatre shaped stair case linking it to the square below, and thereby lending itself to concerts and other activities.

The APB stated that demolition of the existing building in January could mean the new building can be completed by the summer. The agreement between the APB and the PSOE—GUANYEM led council has caused ‘outrage and unrest’ in the opposition parties. The PP spokesperson Virginia Mari talked of feeling “cheated”.

Above, artist impression of the new building, inset, the current “Behemoth”.

British Woman Jailed for Sexual Abuse of her Daughter in Spain over 8 Year Period.

As reported in El Pais The woman, who lived in a scenic village near Malaga, became an official suspect in the abuse of her daughter, who is now 11 years old, after IT experts were able to crack encryption codes to access files inside the hard drive of her husband’s computer. Police investigators found 800 videos of sexual abuse inflicted on the child by the father, a resident in Spain, who killed himself after being arrested and imprisoned earlier this year.

“She watched and recorded the attacks against the girl," sources from the Civil Guard police force have told The Telegraph.

The woman, who settled in the village in 2001, also had

Autonomo Action!

A group aiming to change the rates and method in which Spain’s ever increasing Autonomo (self-employed) workforce is taxed are 12,000 signatures away from their 150,000 target prior to submitting their grievances to the Spanish Government.

Pointing to Spain’s considerably higher costs of self employment compared with the rest of Europe, they want a completely new approach.

“If the incoming government wants Spain to become a country of self-employment and entrepreneurship, we must encourage it. This measure would reduce unemployment and improve the situation of more than 3 million selfemployed, what more could you want?”. http://bit.ly/autonomosjustice

a son, who was born in late 2012. The Civil Guard said that there was no indication that the boy had suffered abuse. Both children became wards of the Andalucian regional government after their mother was taken into custody. She has not yet been formally charged.

Her husband was detained in February after she reported him to police – initially for assaulting her. But the investigation soon focused on the couple’s daughter and the files expertly encrypted by a man described by Civil Guard detectives as “an IT enthusiast”.

Her husband then became the object of a search operation by the Civil Guard, reportedly being tracked down in the house of friends in Burgos, northern Spain. The husband admitted to agents that he had had a bust-up with his wife, and initially refused to admit to his interrogators’ accusations of child abuse.

Only when IT experts from Spain’s University of Alcalá de Henares, near Madrid, were able to decrypt his computer files did he break down. He hanged himself in an Andalucian prison.

What investigators found on those files were 800 “disgusting” videos of the man and his daughter being abused from the age of three “in every way imaginable”, according to investigation sources quoted by Spain’s ABC newspaper. “It was a house of horror.”

The woman, who attended a nearby Evangelist church and posted videos of beach baptisms and Christian singing on her Facebook page, is accused of filming and participating in the abuse. Investigators said that they also found videos of the couple in which they appear naked with other children, who they encourage to mimic sexual

acts being shown to them in pornographic videos.

Some 60,000 child pornography files were found on the man's computer, and case investigators suspect that he was involved in a paedophile video-sharing network.

Costa Liberty

70yr old Vivienne Day from Basildon Essex who claimed over 41k in benefits from the UK whilst living in Mazarrón, Murcia, pleaded guilty to three offences of dishonestly making a false statement or representation and failing to notify a change in circumstances contrary to the Social Security Administration Act 1992. As a result she was sentenced to 12 months imprisonment suspended for two years with six months Supervision Order.

Having savings of £127,000, she was subject to a restraint order on her bank accounts under the Proceeds of Crime Act and therefore a Confiscation Order was granted. The court ordered that the monies were to be paid directly from her bank accounts to Basildon Council within three months, otherwise she will be sent to prison for nine months in default of payment. She was also ordered to pay £4,098 costs.

The Ibizan, Thursday 26th November 2015, Issue 811

Nick Gibbs

Those that know the coastline around Cap Negret, just north of Cala Gracio beach which is in turn just north of San Antonio, will know that any accommodation on the coastline is bound to have a fantastic vista.

Not content with Gods own work Hostal La Torre have taken the same approach in decorating an establishment that is worthy of the true boutique moniker.

Understanding that it takes more than a bed runner and a jazzy cushion or two, the traditional Mediterranean style mixes with contemporary design at every turn.

Above is pictured a double room left and one of two junior suites right. The rooms are spacious, spotlessly clean and have all the

practical comforts required without being over-fussy.

Another plus point held in high regard personally is that there are none of the corporate hard sell that so many modern hotels resort to in room - give me a fridge, or don’t give me a fridge, but please don’t give me a fridge then charge me 2€ every time I open it! Sorry, bit of a bugbear there.

We were shown around the rooms by Carol who heads the accommodation team.

We were told about several fantastic promotions including one specifically designed for residents and offering two nights accommodation and continental breakfasts with other extras as part of a romance package for 220euros (please check that price — I’m 99%

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also online at theibizan.com

sure of it) in a junior suite so at that price why even tell you the standard room rate.

The website details various accommodation packages with yoga, guided walks, Christmas and New Year specials, cycling and another one that made us smile “Ibiza—just to be on your own.” More details of all these (except the resident offers for which you need to contact them direct) at

http://latorreibiza.com/en/ promotions

Very impressed with the first part of our visit but having heard very good things about La Torres menu we were, perhaps best to say, equally pleased to move onto the second

half of our itinerary.

La Torre’s bar and restaurant steps down from the inside dining area and bar to the large terrace with big communal tables interspersed with flame heaters and lanterns. Then down to a second level with comfortable seating, and then they even have tables scattered on the rocks below. The upshot of his is that wherever you are sitting you pretty well frontline with views out to the sea.—but we will come back to that.

Since first looking at the menu I had been yearning for the red tuna tartare and so ordered this along with what I always find to give a good outcome, ‘whatever chef wished to recommend.’

And that certainly paid off this time.

The red tuna tartare was presented with what I will hopefully be not too far off as describing as a mild and subtle guacamole. A slither crisp of bread and a little side salsa.

But as for the second plate, or to be precise vase, I have to admit I did not know what was before me. Perhaps I do not get out enough in fishy circles but I had to ask restaurant manager Alexia for guidance—I have never seen Anchovies of anything like this size.

Think king prawn to shrimp and you will have a fair idea.

The anchovies were perfect with a liberal dosing of local lemon and just tasted so fresh that you had the impression they had been caught hours earlier. This is nor surprise as chef Andres later told me that was exactly the case, caught, cooked and eaten on the same day.

The tartare was simply off the scale. So juicy and full of

flavour I could have eaten it all night and certainly will be again on other nights— though next time definitely not sharing.

A truly refined and memorable supper for those who worship taste and quality above all else.

Rewinding slightly to waiting for our food on the terrace. With camera in hand we were saying how disappointing that having planned to come for sunset it looked as if it would be one of the less inspiring sundowns. And then, within no more than a minute or two, it was as if God had heard our mild moaning and for whatever virtuous

deeds we may have done , he decided we deserved one of his best and stunning sunsets as a backdrop to our meal. And wow, did he put on a show as you can see.

No filters, no enhancement, just San Antonio doing what it does.

I noticed a plaque with Madonna’s La Isla Bonitas lyrics whilst walking around the hotel. No wonder she reportedly changed them from San Pedro to Ibiza during her recent visit.

This is where I long to be, La Isla Bonita.

See ad below or goto the website http://latorreibiza.com/en/

The Ibizan, Thursday 26th November 2015, Issue 811

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also online at theibizan.com

Eat Drink & Be Merry La Casita

One read of La Casita’s Christmas and New Year Menus and you are left in no doubt as to how they came by their Michelin recommendation.

The Christmas Day celebration menu is available for bookings from noon throughout the day and into the night.

Settle in with an aperitif from the selection of Prosecco Rosé This , Kir Royal, Aperol Spritz o Hugo The first of your 4 courses is a choice between Goat cheese soufflé on salad with pine corns, raisins and walnuts honey balsámico vinagre, or Scallop in the shell filled with lobster, monk fish and sea fruit al champagne gratinated Next choose from Consommé of venison and Sherry with raviolis filled with wild mushrooms, or Cream of pumpkin and carrots soup with ginger and smoked salmón The main course will appeal to the traditionalists and those preferring a lighter meal. On offer is Stuffed turkey on Madeira Sauce, Pommes Duchesse, red cabbage, Brussels sprouts, cash nuts sauce, cranberry sauce, or Grilled loin of venison on red wine sauce with chanterelles, or Cod fish in saffron sauce on celery pure with vegetables Postre again offers the traditional alongside thelight and

fresh with a local favourite for good measure. Parfait of mascarpone with amaretto cherries on Christmas stolen, or Mousse of oranges with cinnamon ice cream and pears in red wine, or Coupe Ibiza with caramel flan, hierbas cream and vanilla ice cream You will no doubt wish to sit back and relax following such fine fayre. Dinner is followed by coffee and a digestif and La Casita’s Pastelitos de Navidad Priced at 46€ (including aperitif and digestif but excluding wine), it also offers great Christmas Day value, which isn’t something you would necessarily expect with a menu of such quality.

Call to book, see advert for details. Coming soon details of La Casita’s 6 course New Year’s Eve Banquet.

La Cava

We have a full report on La Cava’s exciting winter plans coming soon, but they have a very special promotion this week we need to tell you about straight away.

La Cava are offering an Argentinian themed menu as part of Ibiza towns Mosdelmon promotion, coinciding with Spain’s Constitution Day fiesta on the 6th.

The event runs from the 4th to the 8th of December with various restaurants in Ibiza Town offering special 3 course menus for a fixed 18 euros.

La Cava are offering vegetarian options with every course but being an Argentinian theme we couldn’t resist the Empanada de Ternera to start and Parillada de Carne to follow. Were there a beef postre on offer we’d probably have that too.

Michelin Man

Always a pleasure to welcome a new eaterie to the Island, but our attention is particularly peaked when we hear that the kitchen is lead by a Michelin starred chef. Our roving reporter was only too happy to go along and get some proof of the pudding. Here is what he told us. “Hearing the word ‘fusion’ in relation to cuisine is normally enough to set alarms ringing in my mind, but Andrea and Sebastian have nothing to be alarmed about with their new restaurant and wine bar QG Ibiza. A classy brasserie nestled comfortably in Talamanca, QG Ibiza’s Michelin starred chef Cristian Farennasso skillfully combines French cuisine with Spanish elements and ingredients. Paired with wonderful wines from the finest regions of France and Spain, this new chic eatery is certainly one to watch out for”.

We certainly will be, and hope to bring you more on QG soon.

The Ibizan, Thursday 26th November 2015, Issue 811

News

2016 to be last year for 24-7 leaders

The Christian charity 24/7 that provides support and assistance in the heart of San Antonio’s west end is to lose its husband and wife team of Charlie Clayton and his wife Abby (pictured above with their son Solomon). Announcing his decision to leave at the end of 2016 Charlie said “So we have a little bit of news.... we are going to be relocating back to the UK by the end of 2016!”.

We talked to Charlie on Wednesday to ask of the process to find a replacement to lead the 24/7 team and he told us that the wider 24/7 prayer organisation will handle the replacement and relocation process, but that he and Abby will also help with the transition locally to ensure that their work carries on, saying “it was the same process for us when we moved out”.

Top Marks for 5 Euro Flights, But Residents Discount Still F for Fail.

Ryanair’s mid November flash sale of 5 euro flights was a big hit. The sale was announced between issues and only lasted 24 hours, but we published details on the Ibizan website and social media gaining the biggest ‘click’ rate this month by some distance. If you didn’t see the sale we won’t tease you with ‘what you could have had’ details, but we also used the opportunity to test the new, much cleaner and slicker, website to see if anything had improved as far as the entry of residency details for subsidised travel is concerned. We regret to report it still seems problematic.

When selecting the residents discount option you are now presented with a much cleaner interface, and there are options for entry of DNI or NIE. All of ours were checked and double checked – we clicked continue full of hope, but our expectations of the new web succeeding where the last failed were dashed when the NIE information was rejected.

You are now allowed 3 attempts to correct the data, and

also online at theibizan.com

Charlie’s blog explains more.

“This summer signaled the end of our initial commitment to 24-7 Ibiza, and so we have been spending the last few months considering whether we should commit to a further 2 – 3 years here, or whether it was time to move back to the UK. As in all of these types of decisions there have been many factors involved as we prayed, chatted, reminisced and also imagined future in each place. We now have Solomon and so distance from extended family is heightened, but both Ibiza and the UK are a great place to bring him up we have done 3 1/2 intensive years and need to grow team, but this can be done there is great quality of life here, but there are more opportunities in the UK to grow and develop as people we have friends here and we have friends at home sunshine here and erm well not sunshine in the UK .

Ultimately, either option has it benefits and challenges, but we have sensed that God has been leading and directing our thoughts towards relocation, and we have now committed to that move, by the end of 2016.

We are so grateful to God for our time here and it has certainly been shaping, challenging and life giving we have made mistakes and grown immensely. We feel as though this time in Ibiza has been an absolute gift for us – and now it is time for us to give it back. It is a place where we have spent almost all of our married life, learning to lead the work together, exploring life here and having the privilege of spending time with some incredible people who have come on many of our mission teams during the last four seasons.

We have been so warmly welcomed by the local expat and the wider Ibicenco community of Ibiza, and have gained some very dear friends, who will be difficult to leave.

In our time here we have seen growth and change in San Antonio: the development of new aspects of the work, mainly prison visiting and providing support for women who work in the sex industry in San Antonio. We have also had the privilege of sharing the beginning of the we tried all of the ‘dash before the suffix letter’ (number not valid), switch to DNI (number not valid), use of the second surname etc etc. None worked in 2 full attempts through the system.

You are however, given the impression that you can still proceed without your NIE having been confirmed, and deal with it on arrival by showing your documentation at the ryanair desk when you check in.

So we continued on but in both attempts the process failed before completion, on one occasion leaving us unclear whether we had paid through paypal or not, just hanging once ‘confirm payment’ was selected.

We tried exactly the same booking again without selecting residents discount, and lo and behold the booking sailed through without any problem.

Despite the absence of discount it still gives us 3 return flights for 29 euros, and you can’t really complain at that.

As we all know, the residents discount seems to have a mind of its own, working on one occasion or for one person, and not the next, so you might be lucky. But was a saving of 15 (which we ultimately didn’t receive) worth that hassle? Definitely not.

It does seem a shame that with their website now looking, feeling and when not challenged by the entry of resident permit details, behaving, as you would expect for the booking website of such a large and successful company, that they have not fixed this frustrating glitch in the way it handles residents permits. Though of no financial consequence when booking a flight for under 5 euros, frustration and annoyance is still there regardless of the money involved.

We know that the issue causes a great deal of confusion and discontent, but perhaps our voices are too few and ultimately not financially worthwhile in warranting their attention — after all, if our understanding is correct, Ryanair get the same money for the airfare whether we pay it or they claim it back from the government. There is a clue in the new website however, that whereas be-

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24-7’s work in 2015

journey of 24-7 Prayer in Sa Penya with the Hampsons.

And we have seen the pre-existing work in the West End, providing prayer and help, grow stronger. We have also seen the foundations laid for an Ibiza-shaped expression of Christian community to grow, identifying and practicing key values which we believe God has formed in and through us as a beginning for all-year-round community life.

We fully believe in what God is doing in Ibiza – we continue to see incredible works of God’s power and presence here. In the words of a song we have been listening to – ‘He has been faithful to plant the seeds and He will be faithful to always send the rain’. There are greater things to come for Ibiza.”

fore we were left thinking it was simply the design of their website that prevented successful entry of the details, the suggestion is that it is being checked against a database which is rejecting the details as entered.

Perhaps this indicates that the answer lies with the Spanish government method of storing the data to break the code and be able to reliably and successfully enter our details without having to resort to the many tricks, tips and cheats to get round the system that are forthcoming whenever anybody reports the problem.

We know that many people have given up attempting to enter the details on Ryanair flights as quite often the saving is simply not worth the aggravation.

There is certainly an argument that we should be as focussed on the low prices the airline does often offer to and from the island, and perhaps that is worth the annoyances of this technical glitch. On the other hand we have heard from many people over the years who consider the availability of the discount a matter of principle, and when travelling as a large party the amount in question is not always negligible.

We have contacted Ryanair and await their response.

The Ibizan, Thursday 26th November 2015, Issue 811

also online at theibizan.com

Page 7

Bah Humbug!

Grumpy Old Men At Work.

Nick Gibbs

Sorry Britain, but we will give you a miss. You are just awful.

For several years I quoted four things when asked, as you regularly are, of the things I missed from the UK. They are/were, in no particular order,

Drinking fresh skimmed milk directly from the bottle.

Night football matches, Christmas (particularly the build up to Christmas) Sainsbury’s home delivery.

I am pleased to say that I now enjoy Asturiana skimmed milk with the same gulping gusto and its British equivalent now tastes as odd as the Spanish ones did on arrival.

On returning to the UK last year and renting a place to stay for a few weeks, I was looking forward to the preordered Sainsbury’s home delivery filled with all the old favourites of home convenience cooking. This can now also be struck off the list as what I remembered with fondness, now tastes insipid and processed compared to the Mediterranean diet where flavour is more important than perfection in appearance.

Night football matches and the build-up to Christmas may well be unmoveable, however they are by definition of particular times and so it is always possible to return just for a fix of those two favourites. The point is that my list is now down to two and outweighed many, many, times over by all of the positive reasons I would choose to live in Ibiza over the UK. More than this I like the fact that the things I thought were important and would be missed seem of so little relevance as the years have progressed.

The subject came to mind particularly when this cringe worthy post from my home town of Ipswich appeared on Facebook.

Feel my pain, feel my shame.

This post by ‘All About Ipswich’, pretty well sums up my feelings following my last visit to my home town.

Ipswich is, due to correct paternal upbringing in such matters, a place that I will support and defend with some passion as far as football is concerned. Fed up with its continued applications for city status, the city-statusdeciding committee could instead announce it to be Dante’s 10th circle of hell in the hope it would get the message, and it would have no more effect on my pride in my team than did the actuality of Ipswich being home to Britain’s most prolific serial killer (its on the tourist board website*) That will never change in me or, in my humble opinion, in any man who had the correct paternal guidance.

But beyond that I have to now do the unthinkable and state publicly that Ipswich really is just awful. And I imagine the reasons it is so appallingly awful apply to many

other towns and cities in the U.K. My last visit left me describing it as being split into three concentric circles In the middle a twitchy Eastern European enclave gave the finishing touch to a town centre ever more desperate to avoid its inevitable fall into an Orwellian contradiction in terms.

Dull, drab, decaying and lined with shops selling red China’s junk for 99p or dead Grandad’s junk that smells of pee. Even these poor shops were gradually being outnumbered by the modern equivalent of state vodka where the hopeless gathered to gamble away their money in the bookies or their health in fast food.

Beyond its centre Ipswich is surrounded by the suburban natives, a mix of liberals drawn to racism and reactionaries thankful racism is again ok. I expect this real feel of increasing division is more evident to somebody on an annual return, in the same way relatives remark that our son has grown - you just don't see the gradual change when you are with it daily.

Despite this, there is no fear of race war. The natives are all far too preoccupied with chasing round the outer of the town’s three circles, the consumer highway to hell ring road. In the space of a decade it has gone from an evenly spread Sainsbury’s Tesco and Asda, each with a couple of adjoining B&Qs or World of Lampshades, to the town feeling like it is totally surrounded by these anonymous commercial clusters—ironically named after the green countryside they have replaced. But far from object to the development it seems the populous just can’t get enough of them. The default social activity is to drive around the bypass from Seven Oaks business park, to Belstead Brook food court, to Rare Species superstore, to Once There Were Flowers megastore, to Ten Flattened Acres hyperstore. They go round and round in a disorientating blur of blue chip and new chip corporate logos, the owners of which had probably devised social media strategies before they had decided on products.

Restaurants are judged on price, volume, and sanitation.

Taste seems to have been as abandoned on the menu as it has been in their judgement. Those in this offending facebook post, Five Guys, Prezzo, Wagamama, Joe's Kitchen, are just perfect, I couldn't have spoofed it better.

I just know they are all awful with nothing more than a name. They will all have laminate oversized menus offering multiple opportunities to 'add a side' or 'try with our secret', desperate in their attempts to fool us into breaking the price rhetoric of everything being 'and 95p'.

They will either be aiming for a Marks and Spencer market reassured by their corporate vocabulary of 'home cooked natural health balm' with 'organic matters' added to any item that technically contains some, and 'gluten free' labels stuck on apples, chairs, cashiers, anything that will give their diner that Gloria Honeyford feeling that everything is ok.

The alternative market will have days allocated to some 'zany-ness' or 'mad-promotion' of which there is no evidence, unless some poor minimum wage slave is humiliated in having to enact an 80's dance routine for the pleasure of a precocious pre-teens parental party cop out. They will all have a mega-version of whatever their thang is, and it will be named after them. The 'Mega-WagaMamma-Mia' burger will be so 'wow-worthy' that '32.4% of those in our target market will post a photo of their dining experience to key social media platforms'.

All just so, so, awful.

There is one randomly scattered group upsetting the balance of the concentric circles. The town has its fair share of caramel coloured trash sink estates living unashamed lives of benefit bling and gangster crap. Not lawless, more law-couldn't-care-less.

Of course there are pockets of resistance and I still know where to find a good pub, decent food and other requirements of a life less corporate, but this is my honest general impression and I am sure Ipswich is not alone.

In fact Dante wouldn’t be too far off the mark.

Ipswich, the 10th, 11th and 12th circle of hell.

And yet people still ask, do you think you'll come back?

Just now and again for football thanks

Bleak Friday Colin Butts

Once upon a time, in a secret room, not that far, far away...

A group of very rich and powerful men sit around a table discussing the future of their magical world. The most important man coughed and the chatter died down as they knew he had something very special to say.

"Well, we've pretty much got these suckers where we want them now. We've screwed up the education system so they're all stupid. We've distracted them with reality TV and sport. We've started infesting social media with ludicrous conspiracy theories so the real shit we're up to will soon be dismissed with the rest of the tosh. It won't be long until we find a way to squeeze in a bit of eugenics or population control but before we do, we need to see just how stupid and easily manipulated they are. Ideas anyone?"

A hand goes up. "Why don't we create a day where they all go out, get themselves further into debt and even start fighting with each other to buy stuff we make that they don't need and can't afford?"

"I like it." He looks around the table to smirks and nods of approval. "We need a catchy name though. Any ideas?"

"I was thinking BLACK FRIDAY." "Hmmm. Don't you think people will think it sounds like a civil rights day?"

Everyone looks at each other then bursts out laughing.

"Civil rights? Hahaha yeah right! What's that, a band on X Factor?"

And thus from nowhere, a made up day was born and in the space of just 365 more days was all over the media and seemed as though it had been around since the birth of time and every time someone turned on their magical plasma/LED/whatever light box on their wall (which obviously needed upgrading) special puppets sanctimoniously repeated the words BLACK FRIDAY, beautifully hypnotising all in the land.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Well, those who already were within the magical city walls did.

The rest of us started looking for our pitchforks...

The Ibizan, Thursday 26th November 2015, Issue 811

Page 8

also online at theibizan.com

Ibiza Christmas

Alternative Advent Carly S

I love Christmas. Always have. You can bah and humbug at me all you want, but I am that person making hand made cards and decorations in November and bouncing around like a child singing Christmas songs in my Santa hat from about mid December.

My excitement has increased even further with a little person who is starting to 'get' all the fuss to join me. She is at that wonderful age of coming out with new words every day and has added 'snowman' 'Christmas' 'Father Christmas' 'snowflake' 'Christmas tree' and 'reindeer' to her repertoire recently.

Last week I decided to make the most of her excitement and burgeoning creative skills and get crafty! We even involved her usually Scrooge-like Dad as we made salt dough, rolled and cut it into Christmas ornaments, dried them, painted and decorated them and turned them into an alternative advent countdown. He seemed to love it as much as her and even got wine mulling, chestnuts on the fire and a Christmas playlist on the iPod. Here's how we made our alternative advent.

Make the dough.

Salt dough is simple to make. Mix a cup of flour and half a cup of salt. Add warm water little by little until you have a dry dough. If you add too much water, whack in more flour. This made enough dough for 14 ornaments and a big handprint decoration. Ela loved helping with this stage and had her hands in the bowl shouting 'mix! Help mummy!'

Making Ornaments

Knead the dough well to make it smooth, pull off a chunk, roll it flat then cut out the shape you want, either with a knife or cookie cutters. We went with the latter so Ela could do it with less assistance and more safely!

We also made a commemorative handprint on a thick, round piece of dough, pushing Ela's hand down into the dough. We later made this into Father Christmas with the help of paint and a marker. Remember to put a hole through the ornaments so you can add string or ribbon later.

Dry your ornaments

Air drying takes several days so we put ours in the oven at a moderate to low heat for a couple of hours. Let them cool for a while after.

Paint and decorate!

Once they're cool (we waited till the evening after drying in the morning) paint your ornaments with your little ones. We also added glitter stars to ours (messy, but Ela had fun...I keep finding little sparkly stars every-

where though, despite having vacuumed and swept several times!).

Ela's handprint was turned into Father Christmas. I pencilled in a hat band, bobble, eyebrows, eyes and beard, using the fingers to form the beard, the thumb and thumb pad as the hat and palm as the face.

I then painted the beard, hat band, bobble and eyebrows white, eyes blue, skin peach and hat red. Once it was dry I added detail and outlined it with a fine black permanent marker. I've also seen them as reindeer with fingers as antlers.

Varnish and add ribbon or string

Once the paint is dry, you can varnish the ornaments to ensure they harden up. You can use clear wood varnish or mix PVA glue with a little water and paint it over. We did this so Ela could varnish them herself.

Hang them on the tree or make an alternative advent!

We bought 24 organza gift bags and card in festive colours and put ornaments into 12 of them, adding a numbered card. We then put sweets into the other 12 (obviously you can put whatever you want in the bags) and hung 12 on the tree and pegged the other 12 onto a ribbon next to the tree, in a random order.

Each day, Ela will find a numbered bag then either hang the homemade ornament onto the tree or eat the sweet...a bit of a change to the little cardboard windows with a picture or chocolate behind. Happy Christmas Crafting!

Frozen Party

Following the success of their recent Frozen Party, Forty Fives (formerly JD's) in Playa D'En Bossa are bringing the Ice Sisters and Olaf - back for a Christmas Party!! On Friday 11th December, join Anna and Elsa for a 2 course kids dinner and drink, and mulled wine for parents, followed by a 1 hour fun filled Christmas Frozen Party with the Ice Sisters and Olaf. There will also be a Christmas activity station, a make over or temporary tattoo from the Princesses before the party begins, loads of photo opportunities, and every child will receive a Christmas card and little treat from the ice sisters. Tickets are 20â‚Ź for one child, with a special Family discount of a second child ticket for 15â‚Ź and third or fourth child for 10â‚Ź each.

Pre purchase your tickets via Forty Fives or Ibiza Princess and Superhero Parties Facebook pages.

Doors open at 3:30pm with dinner starting at 4...Don't miss it!! https://www.facebook.com/ Ibiza-Princess-And-SuperheroParties-364480220424568/

The Ibizan, Thursday 26th November 2015, Issue 811

also online at theibizan.com

All That Jazz Sunny’s Birthday at Pikes

Saturday December 5th is Sunnys’s birthday where Jazz Chic meets a World of Freak in a celebration of the world of Hollywood Glamour and the stars of the Jazz Age. A night inspired by the musicals of the 30s & 40s as well as the styles of Bob Fosse from such classics as - CHICAGO, CABARET & SWEET CHARITY. Featuring: DJ Iban Mendoza, Acid Filter Playing Live, and special guests.

The night starts with a Pikes favourite, Dinner from 8pm to the sweet Spanish sounds of Paco Fernandez and his repertoire of finger plucking goodness verging on the pornographic.

The party kicks up a gear from 11 and Sunny has booked Jazz Techno outfit Acid Filter for his fourth year at Pikes, and undisclosed year

on the planet.

Next is a nostalgic nod as DJ Iban Mendoza takes his place in the booth.

“I remember him as always being the after party DJ. He always reminds me of those best of times as the sun came up and the party carried on”.

Best we carry on then.

Dress to impress theme of Black & White with a touch of Blue!

Left. Carrying on in the toilet, Sunny at Pacha 2014

Ibiza Town Christmas Claire B

Ibiza Town The lights were turned on in Ibiza Town last Friday night and once the sun has set the town becomes a sparkly haven on a dark, chilly, December night! The tree is in the Vara de Rey and this year the 50 large decorative balls on the tree are made from 5,000 plastic cups to encourage people to think about recycling and it’s topped with a star made from energy-saving lights. The Christmas market is now open in the Vara de Rey (shut during siesta time), including the wonderful institution that is the Companatge stall, selling local cheese, sobrasada and sausage with bread and wine for a bargain 1€.

There’s also a programme of events for everyone scheduled over the next few weeks until January 6 - lots of music events and concerts throughout the town, sports activities, children’s workshops, films and activities, exhibitions, nativity scenes in churches (Beléns) and other events, including the funfair in Can Misses, which is on until the end of January. Here’s some of the many events on offer.

Saturday Dec 5: 21.30 – theatre ‘De Mutuo Desacuerdo’ (Mutual Disagreement) at Can Ventosa.

Sunday Dec 13: 19.00 – Concert for Peace with the choir and symphonic orchestra of Ibiza, Can Ventosa Tuesday Dec 22: 19.30 - concert from the Musicaires Swing Band, Plaza del Parque.

Wednesday Dec 23: 12.00 – concert from Pere Navarro Quartet, Plaza Pintor Vicent Calbet. 19.00 – concert from

local rock band Rels, Calle Pere de Portugal.

Thursday Dec 24: 12.00 – concert from Jazz Trio, Mercat Nou. Friday Dec 25-Dec 27: 19:30 - musical ‘Frozen’ in Can Ventosa (times differ each day).

Monday Dec 28: 18.00 - ‘Xacota Pagesa’ traditional folk show and salsa contest, Vara de Rey. 11.00 - children's films in Can Ventosa for 1€ - there will also be films on December 29 & 30 and January 4.

Thursday Dec 31: 00.30 - New Year's Eve party in the Vara de Rey, with DJ Jordi Cardona playing disco funk, rock and pop. From 5 am, hot chocolate will be served.

Saturday Jan 2: 10.00 - party for seniors in the Peace Park, with chocolate & churros and dancing led by Juanjo and Silvia. 12.00 - concert from Quin Delibat! in the Mercat Vell.

Tuesday Jan 5: 18.30 – Kings Parade. They arrive at the port and go through the main streets in the town, ending in the Vara de Rey. Wednesday Jan 6: 18.30 – aerial acrobatic show in the Vara de Rey. http://bit.ly/1Q1fUWK

Sant Antoni Christmas

The Christmas market is always worth a wander with gifts and decorations in the tent at the fountains passeo—every Saturday from the 12th Dec at 11.00.

Saturday Dec 12: 11.30 – Navid-Art, Christmas activities for kids in the tent at the fountains Saturday Dec 12: 19.00 – Carol singing in the church of Sant

Rafael Sunday Dec 13: Second hand market, paella, and various activities in the tent raising money for children with cancer (ASPANOB) Friday Dec 18: 21.00 - Christmas karaoke at Espai Jove for teens aged 12-21yrs.

Saturday Dec 19: 18.00 – The magic of Christmas kids show from showibiza.com including a visit from Santa, in the tent.

Saturday Dec 26: 22.00 – Salsantoni, enjoy the latin and Cuban music with the Eri Salsa Band, you can even take a lesson, held in the tent at the fountains Thursday Dec 31 00.30—New years eve party, welcome in 2016 with dancing, music and good company in he tent at the fountains Sunday Jan 3: 12.00 (noon) - The Grand Musical held at the Cine Regio. A Christmas spectacular for all the family.

Tuesday Jan 5: 18.30—Kings Parade, starting from the ferry terminal along the front and don’t forget your bags!

Wednesday Jan 6: 18.00 – Talent show, all ages and talents welcomed in the tent at the fountains. To participate in the show send an email to festes@santantoni.net before the 4th Jan. For the full programme of events (there are many more kids events throughout the Xmas period) you can follow the link

http://bit.ly/1Nr1PQ4

Next week Santa Eulalia, San Jose, San Juan and Formentera

Page 9

The Ibizan, Thursday 26th November 2015, Issue 811

also online at theibizan.com

Agenda &

Spanish Fair Thursday 3rd Dec to Wednesday 9th Dec 2015 ARIES – Four of Wands Time to celebrate the start of a new creative collaboration. This is very much a team spirited card enabling you to get the best people on board a new project. Reliability is a key issue; however, this card promises smooth, hassle free dealings with others this week. For others, a home move proves fortunate or you find your dream accommodation.

TAURUS - Ten of Cups Your social life picks up this week so expect more than your fair share of visitors and you’ll want to get out and about. This card has such a happy energy which reminds you to celebrate and appreciate friends, family and the good times. Others show generosity on many levels and expect more than your fair share of romantic opportunities!

GEMINI – King of Swords If others push your buttons this week, don’t be tempted to give in to emotional outbursts, keep a cool head and remain firm with your objectives.

You’re ready to make sweeping life changes; either with a partner, relative or close associates who until recently, have called the shots. Air sign men, Libra, Gemini or Aquarius are supportive of your plans.

CANCER – Temperance You’ll be given recognition and praise for what you have been diligently working on recently and others appreciate your dedication. Living a more harmonious and balanced life becomes important this week and you’ll appreciate that what you give out will be returned to you in many ways. Artistic or creative pursuits should be explored; you might just produce a masterpiece!

LEO - Six of Wands This is an excellent week to further your career interests, but don't let all that success go to your head. Your will fail to impress someone important if you behave in an arrogant or high handed manner.

Sure you're good, but if you're fighting off competition from other Leo's, it'll be a bun fight! Success with dignity shows real leadership.

VIRGO – The High Priestess This week finds you in a reflective mood and much preferring your own company. You’re feeling more self-reliant and prepared to trust your intuition when making important personal and professional decisions. It’s all about self-confidence and not giving in to fears and nagging doubts. You’ve passed an important life test recently and you’re doing things your way for a change!

LIBRA – Two of Cups (reversed) You may hear news that’s initially disappointing especially if your heart is involved. However other pressing issues will need your urgent attention and you’ll welcome the distraction. If you have to make a stand over something; speak your truth and reject any explanation that doesn’t ring true. You’re not a pushover by any means, so don’t act like one!

SCORPIO - Princess of Pentacles There’s plenty to weigh up this week and you’re in a bit of a quandary over a financial matter. If someone wants a loan, wait a week before making any firm commitment. Some Scorpio’s may consider a career change or be rewarded with some sort of promotion; which could entail going back to 'school' or to retrain in some way.

SAGITTARIUS – Seven of Wands If you’re being challenged this week and you’re backs against the wall; come out fighting. You’ve had some time to digest the situation and are ready to confront those who put you through so much.

Think, do you have a backbone or a wishbone? Don’t be bullied and don’t be afraid of any confrontation that puts you back in charge.

CAPRICORN – The Wheel of Fortune Your fortune continues to change in the right direction. You’ve ironed out the wrinkles of a plan and things should go more smoothly from now on. If however, you've only thought about self-gain then your success will be short lived. However, if you’ve been generous and sharing, expect these changes for the better to continue for some time.

AQUARIUS – The Chariot You’re where you’re meant to be in life; all’s unfolding beautifully just by you going with the flow. The road you're travelling is manifesting everything you need. New people and experiences are highlighted with travel opportunities for some. You're on a journey where your confidence isn’t attached to your ego; understanding that helps you to honour yourself and support others.

PISCES - Queen of Swords If you need some objective advice this week then you’d be wise to seek out an Air sign woman to give some much needed clarity on an important issue.

Aquarius, Gemini and Libra women are generally good at keeping emotion out of decision making, their clear headedness is what you need to help you gain insight into a complex situation.

Page 10

Ibiza Town Claire B

‘Aires Regionals’ is being held at the Recinta Ferial just outside Ibiza Town, on December 4-6. Entrance is free and on offer will be music, dance and food from many regions of Spain. It opens on Friday and Saturday at 19.00h and then is open on Sunday from 12.00h – 17.00h. The full programme of events is on the Facebook page, with times for the dance and music shows and includes flamenco dancing, traditional folk dancing and musical groups from differ-

Weather Thursday 18o

Friday 19º

ent parts of Spain. On Sunday a paella menu will be available for 8€.

Facebook Event Page: Aires Regionals https://www.facebook.com/ events/436827383194295/4368 49633192070/

Cañas ‘N’ Roll San Jose

Starting last weekend to December 19, Cañas ‘N’ Roll is back in the bars in and around San Jose on Saturdays, Sundays and holidays from noon. Now in its 6th year, this great musical gastronomic event presents the opportunity to hear local bands play whilst you enjoy some unique food and drinks at special prices. 12 establishments in the area are

participating in San Jose as well as Cala Vadella, San Augustin and Cala de Bou Check the programme (link below) for the full schedule of bands playing – the programme doesn’t include what time the bands are playing so check the Facebook page for the venue and note that many bands will play in the afternoon. Here’s the schedule for next weekend: Sat Dec 5: Rolling Soul + DJ Andy Wilson from Sonica (Racó Verd), Ho Femme Fatal + DJ (Can Xicu), The Lost Marbles (Can Jordi), Mick, Keith & Ronnie (Can Llorenc), Nat (Es Plà L’Urgell), Silvina Guerrero (La Focachería), Radio Babilonia (Moskorra), Antonio Ponce Jam (Piraña), Joe Machine (M Electrónica) + DJ Pato (Sa Torreta) Sun Dec 6: Mick, Keith & Ronnie (Can Berri), Lemon Emigrants (Can Limo), Fla-

menco Fusion & Antonio Muñoz Band + DJ Al Varo (Cana Sofía), Chris Langley & Friends (Moskorra) Tue Dec 8: Antonio Ponce – Acoustic (Moskorra)

Mariposa Christmas Fair

This coming Sunday, 6th Dec, we kick-off the Festive Season with our Christmas Fair, which starts at 12 mid-day.

With stalls offering a variety of produce, Thomas Green will be here with all your Christmas goodies, in addition to which there will be some delicious home made foods, craft stalls, bric-abrac, tombola (procceeds to Sta Eulalia Orphnage) and games, plus much much more. We will be serving a Traditional Christmas Lunch (reservations essential) and although it's his busiest time of the year Father Christmas has promised to come along with gifts for all the children.

We would love to come along and start your festivities with us. Jo, Di & Molly.

See our ad for full information re reservations and free stall availability.

Cinema Saturday 18o

Sunday 19º

Monday 19º

Tuesday 18º

Wednesday 18o

Showing at Teatroespania Sta Eulalia Wed 3rd Dec. Thur 4th. Fri 5th. Sat 6th. Sun 7th. 18Hrs Spectre (2015) 12A. 148 min. Action, Adventure, Thriller A cryptic message from Bond's past sends him on a trail to uncover a sinister organization. While M battles political forces to keep the secret service alive, Bond peels back the layers of deceit to reveal the terrible truth behind SPECTRE. Stars: Daniel Craig, Christoph Waltz, Léa Seydoux.

In San An it is the Good Dinosaur—see poster.

Community

The Ibizan, Thursday 26th November 2015, Issue 811

also online at theibizan.com

share their passion for riding the island’s unique terrain. The resident tours will aim to be inclusive, social and above all fun.

Via their in-depth knowledge of the islands fantastic network of cycle routes their guides will help gain confidence on the bike, discover hidden Ibiza secrets, improve cycling technique and if requested help achieve a specific exercise goal.

The format of the tours are totally flexible and will be governed by the amount of participants and the competence of group or groups on the day.

Essential Information: The tours start at the Kandani rental shop in Santa Eulalia The tours will run every Saturday from 11am to 1pm depending on the weather! With a break over the Xmas period The price is 20€ including guides, bike and helmet If you bring your own bike the tour is 15€ Please use only a bike that is in perfect condition Wear good quality sports shoes or your own cycling specific shoes Padded cycling shorts and cycling gloves or mitts are not essential, but recommended To ensure safety always obey the traffic rules and stay behind your guide.

Book your tour place in advance here via the Kandani website or email simon@veloclubibiza.com

Kandani Resident Bike Tours

This winter the Kandani Bike Centre and Velo Club Ibiza are offering residents the opportunity to discover this beautiful island from a unique two wheeled perspective!

They have started weekly Resident Tours that allow participants immediate access to the best roads, caminos and trails that Ibiza has to offer.

The tours will be lead by experienced instructors that want to

View from the Pew Rev Dr Peter Pimentel

The very first Christian congregations more than 2000 years ago had an interesting word that they would use when they met together to celebrate Jesus – “maranatha”. This word is Aramaic – the language that Jesus spoke. The word therefore probably originated in the Aramaic speaking gatherings of Jesus followers in the Holy Land.

The word can be spoken in two ways either as “maran-atha” or as “marana-tha”. When it is spoken as “maran-atha” it means: “Our Lord has come”. When it is spoken as “maranatha” it means: “Our Lord, come!”

When Jewish-Gentile followers of Jesus met in homes throughout the Greek-Roman world to celebrate Jesus they too used this word, “maranatha”, which they inherited from the Aramaic speaking followers of Jesus in the Holy Land.

The word “maranatha” in its two forms expresses the very heart and soul of what it means to be a Christian. Every church service is a celebration of the fact that our Lord God has come in the life of Jesus of Nazareth (maran-atha = “our Lord has come”) and that our Lord Jesus comes among us in our worship (maran-atha = “our Lord has come!”) and that

Caritas Collection at Thomas Green’s

Thomas Green’s have started a Christmas Collection for Caritas—drop take your non-perishable foods along to their drop box, or save yourself all that bother with by buying a couple of extra bits while shopping and pop them straight in.

Remember most of the homeless Caritas help are not British and often live in communal sleeping situations—so probably best to avoid baked beans.

our Lord Jesus will come again (marana-tha = “our Lord, come!”).

This corresponds with Jesus’ teaching that the Kingdom of God has come and that the Kingdom of God comes among us now and that the Kingdom of God will come. We are now in the season of Advent. The word Advent means “an arrival or coming especially of something that is awaited with expectation”. In the Christian calendar it refers to the season that includes the four Sundays preceding Christmas. Last Sunday was the first Sunday of Advent. We have three more Sundays before Christmas. These Sundays help us to prepare ourselves to celebrate the coming of our Lord God in the life of Jesus of Nazareth. We can only really celebrate his first coming and his coming again when we meet him (mysteriously but wonderfully) in the present moment when he comes among us in the gathering for worship.

Services: Sunday 6th December for traditional worship with Holy Communion 9.30am and 10.30am for informal worship with Holy Communion, both at the Roman Catholic Church, San Rafael.

The English-Speaking Church on Ibiza and Formentera: Tel 97134 33 83. www.ibizachurch.org

Page 11

The Continuing Adventures of Mr Prickles

'Selfishness and Sorrow' Cat Milton “Hanging out at my place these days means not just getting swamped in adoring cats but being mindful of your feet as little Prickles careers about the place as though he owns it...

One minute under the heater, desk or bed ; the next at the water bowl or heading for the door, only to return moments later.

Coincidence or otherwise, little Prickles seems to have taken to following me around too. As I move about the mountain, little Prickles is often a few minutes behind me. The garage, the utility room and voila! there be Prickles.

As cute - and indeed fascinating - as this all is, the house training hasn't being going well. In fact it hasn't being going at all.

I don't have time to be crawling under various pieces of furniture, awaiting Prickles rather exuberant bodily discharges, upon which I'm meant to pick him up and rush him to a litter box.

So today I spoke with the 'Old Man of the Mountain' and asked him to block my door, so that the cats could come and go, but Prickles would stay outside...

No poop! Ta-dah!

But, no Prickles startling me by curling up by my feet.

Oh...

No Prickles climbing into the water bowl.

Oh...

BUT! There was plenty of water and food outside and that was Prickles natural environment; I tried to console my heart.

Then this evening as I went to feed the cats, the evening bitterly cold, I saw Prickles moving away from the door into the nearby undergrowth. He was unsteady on his feet and toppled onto his side.

I raced for the towel and picked him up, cooing, and put him safely in his favourite place, beside the heater.

Selfishness, sadness and indeed a little shame.

He's absolutely fine though.

Thank goodness.

Bring on the poop, Prickles.

You're welcome.

What will Mr Prickles get up to next? We’ll look forward to the next instalment in our Quiller Thriller, and in the meantime, please look out for Hedgehogs on the roads.

The Ibizan, Thursday 26th November 2015, Issue 811

also online at theibizan.com

Page 12

Shebiza Pirelli goes PC

Hey everyone and welcome to December!

It’s a month I’d rather get over and done with. The stress of Christmas and the weather in the UK is not my idea of fun.

Which is why in three weeks time, I’ll be sat on a beach in Thailand under my own Christmas palm tree. Bah Humbug! I know.

Scrooge Zips It Up. So this week, amongst all the serious news of war, politics and climate change, there was some fairly serious fashion news too.

There has been a backlash against the use of ‘skinny models’ and the pressure these girls are put under, to basically starve themselves to achieve the ‘supposedly’ fashionable look.

Young girls at literally school age are feeling the peer pressure of achieving the look, which in simply unhealthy.

An MP who heads the All Parliamentary Group on Body Image has said there should be a law banning very thin models from catwalks and posters. Several countries are demanding that models have a Body Mass Index of at least 18 – 18.5 and petitions are raging.

On the other hand, the British Fashion Council insists BMI is not relevant to models and they encourage health and wellbeing by providing nutritious food and drink backstage at shows.

This has all become public since model Rosie Nelson, who is naturally slim and a size 8-10, revealed what is happening behind closed doors.

Skinny models or ‘normal shaped’ models? I’ll leave that one with you.

Onto this week’s Zips It Up and we start with Christmas party dresses to kick off the party season. We’ll be checking these out for the next few weeks. Plus a naughty app for your smart phone, which is sure to get you buzzing with excitement.

So leave the Christmas shopping for five minutes and enjoy this week’s Amanda Zips It Up. X Read Amanda’s fashion blog http://amandazipsitup.com/

Following Amanda’s Skinny Models introduction, it seemed appropriate to mention a radical change in outlook by one institution often criticised for the objectification of the female form.

Pirelli have gone PC in the 2016 edition of what started as a promo-giveaway and has now risen to the heights of collector art.

In the 50 years since the Pirelli calendar was conceived as “an eye-popping advert for their highquality products, a freebie that would be proudly displayed and obsessed over year-round by their target market,” according to “The Calendar: 50 Years and More,” a coffee-table book from Taschen, it has featured a completely naked Kate Moss, Lara Stone and Joan Smalls (2012, Mario Sorrenti); Gisele Bündchen, Karen Elson and Carmen Kass playing peekaboo with bottoms and bosoms (2001, Mario Testino); and a topless and/or naked Christy Turlington, Naomi Campbell and Nadja Auermann (1995, Richard Avedon).

But that was then. As reported this week in the New York Times, on Monday a new kind of Pirelli calendar was unveiled, showcasing 12 months of fully clad women (mostly) chosen for their achievements. Though the calendar has, on rare occasions, featured women in clothes (most notably in 2013, when it was shot in Brazil by Steve McCurry), this is the first time there is no provocation in the posing, and the first time the attraction of the subjects is in their résumés, not their measurements.

Pictured from the 2016 Calendar Amy Schumer, Fran Lebowitz and Tavi Gevinson.

Teledildonics, for the Woman who has Everything, but Wants a Little More …

In an age of technology and apps for your smart phones, get ready Ladies, because there’s a new app that wants to literally give you orgasms.

It wants to sync to your vibrator and help buzz you into heaven. It’ll also urge you to tap the in-app smiley face icon – shorthand for ‘I just came’ – once you’ve climaxed so it can log your orgasms… seriously.

Whether the existence of such tech intrigues or shocks you, it’s something we better get used to. So-called ‘teledildonics’ (sex toys that can be controlled by the internet) are the future. We track our exercise, food intake, body temperature, heart rate and sleep cycle with apps. It was only a matter of time before they turned their attention to our vaginas.

This app comes courtesy of OhMiBod, an American company pioneering the next generation of wearable tech. It creates connectivity-enabled vibrators that can be controlled by your smartphone (or someone else’s...).

The app’s dashboard features five functionality modes, which your vibrator recognises and obeys. You can take charge yourself and create customised buzz patterns, or hand over control to your partner, by inviting them to ‘play’ via the app. And there’s more. The special climax-calculating software will then turn your orgasms into a personal graph that tells you what they look like over time.

Spoiler alert: the graph looks about as exciting as every other bar chart you’ve ever seen.

‘Sad Smiley’.

The Ibizan, Thursday 26th November 2015, Issue 811

also online at theibizan.com

Christmas Dresses with a Touch of Sparkle

So it may not be Christmas just yet, but party season is a coming. I’m a strong believer that a girl can never have too many dresses, and with this in mind I ‘ve found a bunch of current favourites perfect for the December party season. And there’s no guessing where I looked first?

For maximum wow-factor, work the metallic trend with these silver numbers by Toppers. All at £50.

Alternatively, you can't go wrong with this Topshop pencil-style dress. Either is the perfect way to make a statement without getting involved with anything too fussy. Neither of these looks need much added jewellery or glitz - they say more than enough on their own.

For something more subtle, and slightly more pricey, I’m a major fan of the tiered Rebecca Taylor dress. It's got just the right amount of sparkle and the high neck adds a little drama. This would be my dress of choice.

Add red heels, dark nails, red lippy and you’re all set. Just line that stomach first…. http://eu.topshop.com/

Note: Topshop offer free delivery to Spain on orders over 75€, a small fee for lower amounts.

Page 13

The Ibizan, Thursday 26th November 2015, Issue 811

also online at theibizan.com

Sport

Page 14

Abu Dhabi GP

Jezza’s Sports Report ...

GB win Davis Cup for 1st Time Since 1936

Andy Murray is star of the show as GB win in Ghent

Oh, it's so nice to be back!

Holiday's are great but there's no place like home and I think I'll leave America to the Americans!

This week's report has to be dominated by the gigantic feats, at the weekend, of two British sportsmen, one in tennis and the other in boxing so let's start with tennis and all hail Andy Murray who, almost single-handedly, won the Davis Cup for Great Britain against Belgium in Ghent, this being the first time that any Brit had laid their hands on the old trophy since Fred Perry 79 years ago. Andy was responsible for 11 of the 12 points on offer over the last four ties, 4 of which came with brother Jamie in the doubles. For those of you non-tennis fans, the Davis Cup is the World Cup of tennis, being played for by more than 120 countries. 5 years ago, Team GB was the laughing stock of the international scene and so actually winning it is unbelievable. Even more incredible is that the Murrays-inspired team beat the US, France and Australia, 3 of the Grand Slam countries of tennis, on the way.

But back to Ghent and the Final itself, and with GB having lost the first match between the Belgian No 1 Goffin and GB's Kyle Edmonds over 5 sets, Andy came on to win the second in straight sets and then joined up with bro Jamie on Satur-

day to win the doubles 3 sets to 1 to give GB an overnight 2-1 lead. That left 2 matches on Sunday with GB only needing to win one. Fortunately the first was Andy against Goffin, and although the Belgian played some brilliant tennis, Andy pulled out all the stops to win in straight sets to win the Cup.

Boxing: Tyson Fury Takes 4 in Frankfurt

Well done to Tyson Fury as he dismantled World Champion Heavyweight Wladimir Klitschko, the naturalised German but Ukrainian born boxer, who had ruled this division for 9 years. He did so in his own backyard of Frankfurt and thereby take his WBA, IBF, WBO and IBO belts. Not given a chance by most pro and ex-pro boxers, Fury had the belief in himself and the guts to go for it.

Although, according to most press reports, the actual fight was similar to two walruses slapping each other around, one can only give credit when it's due. Tyson becomes Britain's 8th World Heavyweight Champion and adds his name to the current list of no less than 10 other British world boxing champions.

Below: Walrus or not, would you fancy being on the end of one?

Murray lifts cuptitle in celebration of a remarkable 5 year turnaround.

Rugby Union:

Saracens Lead the Way

In the domestic Premiership, Saracens continued their winning run with a runaway win over Worcester. The result leaves them top of the league, ahead of Exeter by 3 points. Meanwhile second placed Exeter beat Harlequins with the odd point out of 51. Elsewhere, third placed Leicester, unbeaten at home over the last 12 matches, continued that impressive home form statistic with a hard-fought win over Bath. Wasps, on a bit of a run at the moment, demolished London Irish, Northampton beat Gloucester and Sale drew at home 15-15 with Newcastle.

Euro Football

Great week for English, all 6 unbeaten.

A truly great unbeaten week for the 6 English teams in Europe last week. In the Champions League there were wins for Man City, Arsenal and Chelsea and a draw for Man Utd. With one Group game to play, it's looking good for all to qualify for the next round although the Gunners have to beat Olympiakos in Greece by 2 clear goals. In the Europa, well done to both Liverpool and Tottenham with both teams winning and confirming their qualification for the next round but you have to feel for Celtic as, having started the season in the Champions League, were knocked out yet again.

Barcelona beat Real Madrid 4-0 in the capital

Premier League:

Vardy Nets Again and Takes Record

In the Premier League, Leicester's Jamie Vardy scored yet again, this time in a 1-1 draw at home to Man Utd, to break Ruud van Nistelrooy's Premier League record of 10 goals in consecutive games. Not bad for a player who only 3 years ago was playing for non-League Fleetwood Town. As for his team, they continued their amazing run, having only lost once this season and remain second and only on goal difference from leaders Man City who got back to winning ways with a 3-1 win over Southampton. Arsenal had the chance to join those two on 29 points but fluffed it yet again as they drew 1-1 at Naaarwich, made worse as they lost a further 3 players to injury.

Tottenham, in 5th, and on current form, expected to wallop Chelsea in the London -derby at the Lane but came up against, at last, a more composed and disciplined Blues side who thwarted the Cockerells in a scoreless draw. At the bottom, Aston Villa's dismal season continued as they were beaten at home 3-2 by upstarts Watford, Newcastle went from bad to worse as they were stuffed 5-1 by Crystal Palace at Selhurst and one must now fear for McLaren's future, Bournemouth gained a miraculous point down on the south coast, as they were losing 2-0 at half-time to Everton but ended up 3-3 in a superb game, Sunderland won their 2nd consecutive match, this time at home to Stoke, West Ham continued their topsy-turvy form with a 1-1 home draw against West Bromwich and finally, Liverpool won their first home match under Herr Klopp 1-0 against Swansea. This week sees the League Cup Quarter Finals with a very northern feel as, on Tuesday, Man City take on Hull at the Etihad, Middlesbrough are at home to Everton, and Stoke at home to Sheffield Wednesday while it's Southampton against Liverpool on Wednesday. Lots of intrigue and no doubt, a surprise or two, most likely at 'Boro and on the south coast!

That's it for this week, running outta time as I've already had the dreaded call from Our Ed with his version of arch-enemy Naaarwich's chairwoman and celebrity chef Delia of “Where are yer?”! ' Til next week, Jezza

Rosberg wins again Force India best championship yet Rhian Gibbs

Abu Dhabi is one of the highlights of the season and whilst the Driver and Constructors titles were in the bag, Rosberg had a point to prove in taking the final race of the season. Mercedes locked the front row yet again and with Vettel starting from the back of the grid it was his teammate Raikkonen that looked likely to challenge the Silver Arrows.

It was a poor start from Hamilton and immediately he was defending his position as Rosberg sped away comfortably, from there on it was a straight forward race for the Mercedes boys and though Hamilton did get within pouncing distance he was forced to make another stop and accepted defeat graciously. Rosberg secured his third consecutive win and ends the season giving Hamilton something to think about in 2nd place again.

Ferrari had a decent race from both drivers – Raikkonen took the final podium spot in a solid performance with the only issue being a slow second pit stop and his teammate Vettel finished 4th in a great drive after starting from near the back of the grid.

Perez for Force India was on great form and showed some great overtaking to finish 5th for the team, Hulkenberg also finished in the points 7th – which converts to Force India’s best ever season.

Ricciardo had a great battle with Perez and came off the victor in that fight finishing 6th for Red Bull, Kvyat also scrapped with a Force India further back, however electrical problems caused him to fall back to finish 10th.

Williams had a tough race compared to the rest of the season, Massa finished 8th and though he did have a

strong start he was unable to make any challenge and only just held off Grosjean, who took 9th for Lotus, in the closing laps.

Sainz just missed out on the points for Toro Rosso, he had a reasonable race and was a little unlucky to only finish 11th, a McLaren wasn’t far behind him and Button described his race as the best of the season being able to take the fight to both Verstappen and Ericsson, he finished 12th on a high.

Bottas for Williams had an incident filled race after making a terrible start. He was unsafely released into the back of Button requiring a lap to limp his car back to the pits for a new nose, then another trip through the pits for a five second penalty.

Sauber’s race didn’t really go anywhere, both drivers struggled with pace and Ericsson crossed the line 14th and Nasr 15th. Toro Rosso’s Verstappen had an adventurous race, having to stop to change badly flat spotted tyres; he got a five second penalty for exceeding track limits while challenging Button and a further 20 second penalty for blocking Hamilton in the final stage of the race.

On the road 12th, but the penalty dropped him to 16th.

Alonso also experienced a difficult race, he hit Nasr in the first corner which in turn knocked Maldonado off track, for which he received a time penalty, from there his struggle continued and he did at one point almost retire the car, however a change in tyre meant he set the third fastest lap – 17th for the Spaniard.

The Manor Marussia boys were last to cross the line with Stevens 18th and Merhi 19th, neither had any issue throughout the race. The only DNF was Maldonado for Lotus, who was knocked off track by Alonso through no fault of his own in the first lap.

The Ibizan, Thursday 26th November 2015, Issue 811

also online at theibizan.com

The Guide ...

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Transport

Insurance

Tel 971 348 271 Mob (Eng) 638 923 119 Mov (Esp) 633 310 527 www.theibizan.com editor@theibizan.com Editor: Nicholas Gibbs Bes Media Holdings 1999 S.L., c/ JaĂŠn, 2, Cala De Bou, 07829, Ibiza Booking Deadline: Mon 5pm (ask for later), Copy Deadline: Tues 5pm, Print: Weds, Distribution: Thurs, Online: From Thurs. Dep. Legal DL 1-303-1999

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New Freephone Number For The Samaritans in Spain 900 525 100 Crime. Contact the Policia Nacional in English Tel 902 102 112

The Ibizan, Thursday 26th November 2015, Issue 811

Property Spain 6th in Property Investment Market

There are a number of factors that have boosted Spain’s ranking in the global positioning of the best markets for realestate investment over the last few years. A stable economy coupled with relatively low property prices are just two of them.

And, what’s more, several studies by leading consultants in the real-estate field have ranked Spain near the top of the list.

According to CBRE, Spain became the sixth most attractive destination in the world to real-estate investors during the first half of this year, after generating a total of 8.5 billion euro of investment.

This means that Spain is ranked above France, Hong Kong, Canada, China and Italy, and is only succeeded by the United States, the UK, Germany, Japan and Australia.

When looking at the figures, the amount of investment generated in Spain during the first half of the year is double that obtained by the Netherlands, 132% more than China and 144% more than the amount invested in Italy.

Page 16

also online at theibizan.com

Nevertheless, despite Spain’s excellent ranking, it is still way behind the three major destinations of the US, UK and Germany.

These three countries alone raked in a massive 301 billion dollars of investment between them in the first six months of the year, which is 74% of the total for the global market (407 billion dollars).

On a brighter note, Spain has come up a long way over the last two years in the ranking to its current position in sixth place. In 2013, Spain occupied 16th place and in 2014, it was placed 11th. The top five destinations have all maintained the same position over this two-year period.

And, Madrid has been noted as one of the most important cities for investing in prime office space in terms of yield and profit, with percentages at the top end of the scale.

Finally, experts predict that investors will concentrate their focus on Europe for the forthcoming year, which is positive news for Spain. This year, the total amount of investment in real estate is expected to register at around 13 billion euro in total.

Information supplied with kind assistance of On The Pulse Of Spain—a great resource for legal , administrative and property matters. http://www.onthepulse.es/

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Ref: 370 3,250,000€, 6 beds 450m2 built on 13,000m2 plot San Juan

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Ref: 544 310,000€ 2 bed masionette, 136m2 San Jose

Ref: 498 525,000€ 4 beds 254m2 San Jose