The Screwhawkins Letters

The Screwhawkins Letters

s n i k w a H .

S. R

THE SCREWHAWKINS LETTERS

1 My Dear Snakemetal, My aren’t we a bit self congratulatory. I haven’t seen this sort of gloating from a devil in training since Wastetime guided his patient to create that show that even we of the underworld cringe at – Friends. In his case, his celebrations were legitimate as it wasted away humanity for a decade and continues to do so on syndicated cable networks.

But you, you have merely managed to mangle a family for a single year.

Granted, this was an accomplishment, one of which I am immensely proud, but you still ought to watch the way you so glibly let your quill fly across the burning parchment of the infernal regions.

Yes, this has been a year of great success for you. However, I admit I feel a bit of pain to think you didn’t thank me for all the training which I have provided. Even among devils, ingratitude is frowned upon.

Enough about me though. Let’s get back to your patients. You say they feel beaten down? Discouraged? Frustrated? Can’t wait for the year to end? You take this to mean they are beaten, and they may be, but don’t cash in all your chips just yet. Discouragement, frustration and anticipation can indeed lead to despair and the punching of the ticket to the netherworld, but it can also have the opposite effect, leading men to the Enemy’s camp.

You are toeing a fine line here. The constant pressures, problems and challenges you hurled against your patients this year was impressive. I thought they would break months ago and yet they persist. You seem to think they have lost their minds and are aiming for the enslavement by insanity plea. I see more troubling possibilities.

1

One of the great risks we run in our particular trade is the unpredictable nature of mankind. Over the many centuries we have studied, tempted and tormented man, we still have a hell of a time (pun intended) figuring out just how they will react in any given situation. This would all be considerably easier too if the Enemy wasn’t constantly battling back against our greatest efforts. One ounce of that most vile of reasoning - hope - can undo years or our best work. And the Enemy is the consummate professional in inspiring man with hope in even the bleakest of circumstances.

Just when you feel you have roped your patients in and are ready to give the final pull, watching them plummet off the edge, screaming in agony, you may just find they found a more sure footing.

While you seem immensely confident, I admit I am somewhat guarded.

Your patients have proved more resilient than I had imagined. Even now, I wonder if I shouldn’t have added a companion to your efforts. After all, three patients for one junior devil is out of the norm, and especially so when all three are believers and firmly entrenched in the Enemy’s doctrines.

No matter. We will persist. And when I say we, I mean you. True, I will be here to guide you, but let’s not forget that this was your assignment and you have the responsibility of getting them here. Never lose sight of that as you celebrate over the successes you’ve had, small as they may be.

The new year is fast approaching and promises to be a year of confusion and excitement. What, with all that Mayan prophecy garbage the Human Misguidance Department engineered, mankind is anticipating something truly dramatic. And they will get plenty of drama, but only if we play our cards well.

Your affectionate uncle, Screwhawkins

2

2 My Dear Snakemetal, Ah! Illness. The most fantastically simple tool of discouragement in our arsenal. I’m pleased to hear your patients have spent an entire year battling one malady after another.

Humans look at illness considerably different from the way either we or the Enemy see it. For mankind, illness is a plague sent directly from hell itself to afflict and torment him. Depending on the severity of the illness, man will see it as a nuisance to drive him crazy, an agony to be endured briefly (though painfully) or a persistent life-draining penalty for something they must surely have done wrong in their lives.

Of course, all these beliefs are false. We know we have no more power over illness than we do over the weather – though strangely we are blamed for this as well. Illness, being the natural result of mortality and the planet’s ever-changing nature, is just one of the many sufferings mankind must struggle to comprehend. True, we are more than happy to take credit where no credit is due, but it’s shaky ground at best.

Sooner or later mankind gets smart to illness. They learn the source of it and find ways to eradicate it where they can. When that most glorious of periods in human history collapsed – the Dark Ages (which has such an incredible ring to it) – we knew we were in for trouble. Humanity was able to collect ideas, share them and record for later retrieval. This led to a rapid rise in the discovery of disease, germs and methods to prevent and cure.

This presents both problems and opportunities for us. The problem is apparent in that mankind can solve the infirmities with which they are afflicted.

3

True, they may suffer for awhile and curse their lives – much to our delight – but it is fleeting and before we know it, they have recovered and are back on with their lives.

On the other hand, the ingenuity of humans can play into our hands. Our Ego Development Department long ago snared the majority of scientists, fueling them with more ego than we ever thought possible. This has drawn them so far away from the Enemy that they will buy anything we send their way, much like the pharmaceutical companies they run.

These scientists gain confidence in themselves as they find cures for diseases and radiate this through fancy advertising, gel-coated pills and soothing creams. Their methods provide disgusting comfort to mankind and thwart our discouragement attacks. At least we still have the joy of watching some of their methods torment mankind, namely in the form of needles, vile-tasting medicines and organic foods.

Because of the progress of their scientists, mankind begins to believe they are brilliant and rely on their own abilities. This plays into our hands well. Any time man begins to rely on himself, he is pulling away from the Enemy. And whenever he makes a break from the Enemy, it is prime pickings for us.

So, when you see your patients get excited about a new prescription for their eightieth illness of the year, don’t get too discouraged that their discomfort is coming to a close; take confidence in the fact that they place hope in their fellow beings’ accomplishments. Don’t ever let them communicate with the Enemy for help. He is more ready than ever to grant it. Keep them trusting entirely on the results of their scientists. And when they get better? Press them to thank the medicines rather than the Enemy.

Speaking of the Enemy, which I am loathe to do, he sees illness in yet an entirely different manner. Like us, he sees sickness as the natural results of the earthly condition, but he takes greater advantage of it than we traditionally do, especially when the illness is prolonged.

4

You see, the Enemy has healing abilities far beyond anything the scientists can muster. But he hands out prescriptions in a manner that only he can see.

His first request is that man communicate to him and ask for assistance. He wants to grant this and does so freely, but only if they ask.

Be careful of this. If your patients turn to the Enemy first, you may miss out entirely on the opportunity to watch them squirm and lounge about in bed all day, squandering away the hours of their lives. Make sure you place all their confidence in the “genius” of mankind.

I take it from your last letter that you are particularly proud of the illness of the father. Again, I remind you that you had nothing to do with this. I would also caution you that you are closer to losing him than gaining him in this respect. Yes, he has dealt with his stomach conditions for years. He has placed plenty of trust in the scientists and tried all their disgusting methods. I must admit it must have been enjoyable to watch him drink that colonoscopy preparation fluid and suffer the attending results.

But the results of that procedure have me worried. When he came back with a clean bill of health, yet with all the problems remaining, you would think he would give up altogether and become discouraged. I had high hopes for this myself, but from what you tell me, your patient may already be deeper in the Enemy’s grasp than I thought.

He doesn’t even try to do the doctor’s recommendations anymore? I don’t think this is a success for you. I worry it means he trusts in the timetable and devices of the Enemy and is willing to move forward with his life. This kind of temperance and patience will create all sorts of grief for you. Winning him back from this must be a priority. While you may have lost him in this regard, you can whittle away his patience in other ways. We’ll get to those later.

Moving on to his wife now. You say she has dealt with pain and confusing illnesses for the past three years. Like her husband, I worry she has learned more than she should from this malady. Sadly for us, she also found the cure.

5

Her resulting resurgence of health may prove more frustrating for us than anything. Be careful not to let her use her energy in proactive ways. Distract her with something - anything. Again, I fear you have lost this battle too.

From what you’ve said, it sounds as if she has further entrenched herself with the Enemy’s cause, using her added energy to actively promote her efforts with the young women with whom she works.

Finally, we come to that little one, the one with the cute smile that almost makes me wonder if my heart of stone is malfunctioning. The illness card has not particularly effected her this year beyond the visit to the emergency room so early in the year. Although, I must admit the touch you put on delaying the bill for that service until November was a stroke of brilliance.

Speaking of bills, I have somewhat to say to you in that department, but it must wait until the next letter. Until then, be on guard. Remember, the Enemy is actively engaged in building patience in your patients and you must use your greatest efforts to counter this. Don’t let me down.

Your affectionate uncle, Screwhawkins

6

3 My Dear Snakemetal, The root of all evil, you say? Don’t use the Enemy’s phrases, it’s not becoming of you. I know you find yourself clever when you attempt to turn the phrase for your own amusement, but I find you woefully misguided in this aspect. I have only myself to blame for this, I suppose.

Since you insist on using that phrase, let me break it down for you. If money truly is the root of all evil – that being your primary goal – then you are doing a lousy job of it because your patients have very little of it. That being the case, you are not getting them any closer to evil at all. I hope that smug smile is off your face now that you realize clever catchphrases don’t mean a thing. Action is what matters.

Money is a complex thing. It can play into our hands so nicely and has done wonders for us through the centuries we have employed its misdirected uses. It can also backfire on us though. As in all things, we must tread water carefully here.

It is indeed good news that your patients are frustrated in this department though. You say all the sicknesses have resulted in an effective draining of their money? Wonderful! Perhaps I was a bit too hard on you in my last letter. The illnesses may have indeed worked in our favor in a more indirect route.

It was rather ingenious to try the bills blitz package. Nothing so wears down a young family as destroying their savings with circumstances over which they have no control. You say they’ve been asking, “Why me?” a lot?

Perfect! This is the first step to pulling them away from the Enemy. However, 7

I wonder how exactly they are saying this. Those two words can work two ways. Either they pull mankind away from the Enemy or they bring them closer to him as they sincerely want an answer. One way is a curse. The other is a request for guidance. Be sure which it is before gloating further.

I am rather pleased to hear just how effective the onslaught of bills has been. The paltry sum your patient earns as a schoolteacher is laughable – even to us, who created the salary. Humans are used to money coming and going. Big gains and big losses have similar effects on the human psyche. But the persistent chipping away at an income can destroy a man’s confidence.

As for the effective pay cut your patient took in his job in the second half of the year, don’t take too much credit to yourself. That more to do with our Government Corruption and Ignorance Department than anything you did.

True, you benefited greatly from this, and have done an artful job combining this nearly thousand dollar a month cut with a never-ending supply of bills.

The results have been rather remarkable.

Be wary though. As long as this challenge has been, you run the risk of your patients turning to the Enemy. You say they pray about it all the time?

And they’re actively seeking solutions? This is not good. Discouragement is not true discouragement if it motivates to action. Inaction and despair are partners. Action eliminates despair because it is attached to that disgusting Enemy tactic of faith. Do not let them continue in this vein. If your patients get really motivated they will find a solution and you will not like the results.

It’s particularly likely to happen if they are including the Enemy in their plans and are working to find out what he wants them to do.

You must find a different tactic. I expect you can find plenty of time to manage this if you focus on the task at hand rather than turning cute phrases.

Your affectionate uncle, Screwhawkins 8

4 My Dear Snakemetal, The somber nature of your most recent correspondence tells me you may have just learned something. You seem to be discouraged yourself at the minimal progress you feel you have made. In this you err, not fully understanding just what progress you have made.

So you’ve dropped the ball on the inaction avenue? That’s a big loss, but your redirection to other methods appear to be proving rather successful.

The route you have chosen is precisely what I hoped you would do. You may just be a senior devil after all one day. Then again, that distinction may be a bit premature.

If you can’t bring your patients to inaction, then prompting them to even greater action is a perfect tactic. I hear you have kept them insanely busy with a combination of mundane and worthwhile things. This is good. If you push them too hard to only do mundane activities, they will eventually awaken to the pointless nature of their lives and seek greater fulfillment, which will bring them to the Enemy. If you guide them too much to do worthwhile activities, they will do good for the Enemy. Either way we lose.

So giving some of both aspects is a good tactic. Be sure to push more in favor of the mundane though. Even a 60 percent mundane to 40 percent worthwhile breakdown is enough to subtly lead them away to captivity.

There are plenty of fantastic mundane activities out there. The creation of the Internet by our servant Algoricus has led to countless wasted hours, all in the guise of keeping mankind busy.

Unfortunately, it sounds as if whatever progress you have made in keep9

ing your patients busy is tilting more to the worthwhile than not. They are actively engaged in the Enemy’s church and hold prominent positions. This is not good. Yes, they are busy and spend nearly every evening of their week doing something, but they are doing it for the Enemy.

Your best hope in this case is to push them harder. Do not let them read the Enemy’s manual, which cautions against running faster than they have strength.

Push them to do more and more. This may seem counter intuitive, after all it is having them do work in the Enemy’s cause. While this may be true, I am sure you will find if they are doing too much work, too often, they will find their tasks mundane and rote. They will be actively engaged, yes, but it will be just another checklist item rather than a cause to celebrate the Enemy.

Again, do not let them read the Enemy’s instruction manual. That simple act alone has caused more junior devils to fail than anything else.

Unfortunately for you, the Hades Intelligence Agency recently provided me a report that your patients have indeed been reading the Enemy’s instruction manual. They are also finding joy in their service for the Enemy.

I fear you may have lost here as well. You are not doing nearly as well with your patients as you believe. Yes, you threw a magnificently difficult year against them. They have had little to no reprieve from any of it all year, but I am afraid you sadly underestimate the power of the Enemy and the effect hope has on your patients.

Also, your dreams of another year with similar results are not likely to come to fruition. It is a rare case for consecutive painful years to strike your patients. In fact, based on their pattern, they thrive in even years and struggle in odd years. Unfortunately for you, next year is even.

You are running out of time. You had better prepare something impressive quickly, but I fear you won’t even be able to muster this. We are in the enemy’s season now and your patients’ focus is on family, not material goods.

10

If I were you, I would start begging for mercy from our master. Who knows, you may get lucky and be reassigned to an easier case. I hear there’s an opening in Hollywood.

Your affectionate, though disappointed uncle, Screwhawkins

11