Life on Repeat

TEXT VICTORIA ROHRER ILLUSTRATION VENDELA HAmBERg

I open my eyes. An ordinary morning. My alarm clock shows 7:11. I stand up and turn on the coffee maker. It is one of those old ones that makes gurgling sounds. My grandma left it, so it is second hand. The gurgling makes me calm. It always sounds the same. Steady. It’s like an old friend. I put on a pair of black suit pants and a beige top. Nothing extraordinary. My wardrobe contains white, beige and black. A colorful outfit would make me stick out. It actually screams for attention like: ”Look at me! Talk to me!” And that could lead to unpredictable surprises. I don’t like surprises. I do like routines and structure though. Even if I have never really reflected on that. I am probably more of an anxious type. I need to feel that I have control, at a minimum over my own life. There is enough to worry about in this world already: Environmental disasters, war, getting sick, being run over by a car, losing all your money, losing your home…I could go on and on. I down a cup of coffee and 5 minutes later I am standing in the elevator on my way down. A glance in the mirror shows that I look pale. Those dark circles under my eyes reveal that I haven’t slept for more than 5 hours in a row for the last couple of weeks. My mood shifts immediately as soon as I walk through the front door. I feel the sun on my skin. Even the air smells different. I walk down the main street towards the underground station. The street ends into a bridge. The view from here is spectacular. You can see everything from a bird's eye perspective: small boats passing by and people walking close by the water. I turn my head to the other side and gasp. My heart stops beating for a second.

A guy is sitting on the railing with nothing to hold him but the gaping abyss. It seems like he wants to jump. My body freezes, unable to move. I want to shout something but a million thoughts are rushing through my head at the same time. There’s nobody else within sight. ”Do something, do something NOW!”, the voice screams inside of me. Little by little I come through. Then I run over the street. ”Hello! What are you doing?” There is only a 2 meter high chain-wire fencing between us. How could I ever get myself over to the other side? I am not really one of those gym-junkies. My arms are quite undefined. Adrenaline is rushing through my veins. What do you do in a situation like this? I mean all I know is how people behave in movies. They usually try to involve the person into a conversation while they try to get closer. Usually psychologists do that job though. Even if I just have a slight chance I have to try. ”You! What’s your name? Can I help you?” While I speak I begin pulling up the fence. To my astonishment the climbing isn’t as hard as I thought. Probably the adrenaline is doing half of the job. Nothing. No answer. Maybe I need to change strategy and build some kind of trust first.

”Hi! My name is Lily. I was on my way to work when I saw you sitting here. I mean I totally understand the feeling that everything is lost and that you just want to give up. I have that feeling too sometimes, but there is so much more to life. And people need you!”, I gasp out. Now I am halfway over the fence. One more pull and then my feet reach the ground on the other side. In that second he turns his head and our eyes meet. His eyes are crystal blue and he has a penetrating gaze. ”Hi Lily! There is no need to panic. I was just sitting here enjoying the silence and the feeling of being free. When do you ever feel this free?” He stretches out his arms and I feel sick of looking at him: ”Don’t!” I take a step forward and hold him around his hip: ”Are you crazy?” ”No, I just love to feel alive!”, he replies. “And that’s the only way to feel that way?”, there is an angry tone in my voice. He ignores me and continues: ”When you see how small everything is from up here…it feels like life is just a second, a spark. Everything becomes so much more precious. I wish you could understand the feeling. But I guess you aren’t going to join me here on the railing, right?”, he goes on jokingly. ”Absolutely not!”, I respond with clarity. He jumps down easily and stands in front of me. He is around 1.80 m long. “By the way, there’s another way.” He points on a hole in the fence.

After we both have crawled through it, he says: “Thanks Lily, for wanting to save my life!”, and smirks. I am Oscar by the way.” He looks so cute that I can’t really be angry with him anymore. “I really got a shock! And now I am late for work, too.” “I have an idea. What if you skip work today and follow on a little spontaneous trip with me?”, he crocks his head. I open my mouth but close it again, since I don’t know what to answer. “No, I really need to get to work.” “You could just call and let them know that you’re sick. I would like to buy you a drink and show you my favorite places in town. Come on let’s have some fun!” I look at him. I can’t put the feeling in place, but there’s something about him that makes me really curious. I pause, take out my phone and call up my office. “Ok my lady, be my guest!”, he says and puts his hand on my back. 30 minutes later we stand in front of a pub. He grins at me: “This is my favorite place. I am here at least 2 times a week.” “That’s quite a lot!” I look at him. He has this penetrating look again, as if he could read my mind. ”What about one or two beers?” Normally I wouldn’t drink before noon, but I nod anyway. The bar is definitely one of the most special places I have been to. You feel like entering another age. It is furnished with a lot of antique furniture and things you would call retro. Armchairs with beautiful, colorful fabrics instead of chairs. The room is pretty dark, lit only by some candles so that you barely see each other. It’s cozy yet special. Definitely different from your run-of-themill pub. The barkeeper is tall, has long black hair and a Tattoo on the left side of his throat. Oscar seems to be familiar with him and orders two beers. The guy seems friendly and when he passes the beer, he blinks. We sit down in a corner and Oscar raises his glass to me: “Cheers to a beautiful day and to meeting you Lily!” We both take a sip. “Can I ask you something?”, without waiting for my answer he continues “Earlier on, you said that you sometimes feel like everything is lost and you want to give up…What did you mean by that?” I am not prepared for that kind of question. So I shrug and reply: “I don’t know. I didn’t think so much in that situation.” “But I guess there must be some sort of truth in those words?”, he raises one eyebrow. “Yeah I don’t know, probably it is because I feel like life seems so boring sometimes. Like everyday is the same. Like you are trapped in your own life. Do you know what I mean? I have everything: Money, an apartment, food, friends, but still…” “Yes I understand.”, he eyes me up. “For me it’s more like feeling empty, like I am not doing anything meaningful or worthy. That’s why every day looks different from the others nowadays. I just can’t stand routines.” I laugh. ”I use to plan my days one month in advance.” He smiles back at me. “That’s why it gets boring.” “Then it’s this empty feeling that makes you push yourself to the edge sometimes?”, I ask. “I guess so”, he blushes slightly. “But that’s not really a healthy way to live!?” “What is even a healthy way to live?”, he retorts. “We all have our strategies to make everyday life more enjoyable, don’t you think so?” “Yes, but yours seem pretty radical!”, my voice turns angry again. “I still know my limits”. His voice sounds peaceful. ”What do you think is the meaning of life?”, I break the silence. “Maybe that there are so many more facets to life that we yet have to experience.” “What’s your answer?” “That we are here. Right now.”

My alarm clock stirs me from my dreams. It’s 11 minutes past seven. Just another morning. I turn around and look into his blue eyes.

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