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Spring 2013

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The truth is...child abuse does not end in childhood. The trauma can cause lifelong emotional damage

OUR

MISSION

We believe in truth that will make you free. We bring awareness to the truth of the long term, often life long effects of abuse. We believe in placing blame where it rightfully belongs; not for condemnation but for accountability, in effort to break the abuse cycle. Facing the truth of the abuse that happened is a most important first step towards recovery. We believe that every life has a purpose. The abused one who was cast aside, ridiculed and overlooked, as well as the abusers who might have acted out what was done to them, were all made for a good reason. We believe the purpose of each person is directly connected to the natural God given gifts woven into the fibers of each of us when we Spring 2013

were originally formed in secret in the image of God. Therefore, we strongly support using our gifts to help in the healing of battered emotions and recovery from life failures. We believe the gifts we were given will make room for us in the marketplace and will provide for us both spiritually and materially. We believe in the use of our gifts to glorify God, to bless others and to bring us prosperity. We believe the use of our gifts will help bring us back to our original self: the self that thrived before abuse interrupted our development. We believe anyone can accomplish great things with just a little support and we believe we have been called to offer some of that support. www.outspokenmagazine.org

10 REASONS TO TELL YOUR STORY

CHOSEN TO SURVIVE

SEXUAL ASSAULT: RAPED BY A DEMONIC PIG

MENTAL ILLNESS, ME?

PATHS ,CHANGES AND THE GIFTS THAT COME WITH THE

Content

JOINING FORCES DR. HOWARD FRADKIN

SPRING 2013

OUTSPOKEN YOUTH: FORMS OF ABUSE

STRESS AND YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

Spring 2013

54 60 MENTAL HEALTH AND FATHERHOOD

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WINSOME REVELATIONS

WINSOME REVELATIONS Joining Forces with Dr. Howard Fradkin In 2010 Oprah and Tyler Perry brought national attention via television to male survivors of child sexual abuse. The expert consultant on that show was Dr. Howard Fradkin, co-founder of www.malesurvivor.org. Dr. Fradkin went on to author a jewel of a book titled, Joining Forces: Empowering Male Survivors to Thrive. The foreword of that book was written by none other than Tyler Perry. Talk about joining forces! Well, survivors. OUTSPOKEN magazine is blessed to have on our cover, the incredible, Dr. Howard Fradkin himself. Flip to page 30 for our interview with this amazingly passionate personality, with a heart that beats for survivors of sexual abuse. You will learn that his book, Joining Forces: Empowering Male Survivors To Thrive, also empowers females. I know this because I was sucked into Joining Forces myself, from the very beginning. Tears streamed down my face as I read that Tyler Perry foreword. I am telling you, you have got to read that foreword. Buy the book and read that foreword! Tears flowed time and again throughout the reading of Joining Forces as I encountered the courage of the men who shared their unbelievable stories. And I was touched over and over by the sensitivity of Dr. Fradkin towards the challenges faced by survivors. I was personally aware of healing taking place in my own heart with each tear shed and with the validation this book has brought to my own struggles with my recovery. Starting this issue, Dr. Fradkin will host a new column: An Invitation to Heal; Ask Dr. Fradkin. Both male and female survivors of child abuse can submit questions and receive professional answers that promote healing. And now survivors, ladies and gentlemen: OUTSPOKEN Magazine proudly presents, Dr. Howard Fradkin! We would also like to welcome Sarah Burleton: NY Times and USA Today bestselling author, Rhett Hatchett: participant on Oprah 200 Men show and silence breaker in Joining Forces: Empowering Male Survivors to Thrive, Eshe Chenzira: OUTSPOKEN Magazine contributing writer, and Sara Lique: Survivor of abuse. As always I bid you, read prayerfully.

Winsome Alexander Winsome Alexander

Founder, ASCAR Centers Internatonal Adult Survivors of Child Abuse Recovery Centers OUTSPOKEN Magazine Intertational, Inc The Voice for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse

Spring 2013

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OUTSPEAK

READER: My neighbor bought me a subscription of your magazine. I enjoyed reading about using our spiritual gifts to bless the Lord and each other. Thank you for what you are doing!

OURSPOKEN: God Bless You! One major part of our mission is to inspire a return to the original person that we were created to be. Our originality, our destiny and the depth of our fellowship with our creator are directly tied to our natural God given gifts. Many of us are stuck in mediocrity, living joyless lives because we have forsaken our gifts, leaving them buried in trauma. Therefore, we are existing without God’s full endorsement on our endeavors. We encourage you to unearth your gifts and use them as a means of repairing your lives.

READER: You know, I don’t think there is anything like this out there. What a great resource for survivors of all types of abuse!

OUTSPOKEN: I was in the grocery store the other day and counted 11 separate magazines on guns alone! There are magazines for beads, fashion, nails, bugs, I mean you name it…there is a magazine out there, so why not one for adult survivors of child abuse? Other magazines are receiving publicity and support enough to land them on retail shelves and newsstands everywhere. However, when it comes to the severe national epidemic of abuse and its after effects, we still recoil, we still want to be silent and we still want to ignore the problem. OUTSPOKEN is the only magazine that directly addresses the human rights issues of adults who were victimized in childhood and we will continue to do so until we make a difference!

READER: I can’t believe I had not heard about this magazine before. This is an awesome vehicle for us to encourage one another. Thank you for caring and thank you for not forgetting us.!

OUTSPOKEN: As a survivor myself, I know firsthand the scarcity of available resources and information directly targeted to the multiple complicated concerns of the adult who is living the everyday after effects of child abuse. OUTSPOKEN Magazine is my way of doing something about this neglected segment of our population.

*****Abuse and its effects is a major national problem that few are brave enough to acknowledge let alone do anything to change. We must continue to speak out, speak up and dialogue until it is no longer taboo and no longer stigmatized. Only then can we begin to effectively combat abuse with changes in legislature and public response. We at OUTSPOKEN Magazine have provided a platform for you to share your stories and concerns regarding this national predicament. Let us know your thoughts. Submit your comments to walexander@outspokenmagazine.org

10 10 reasons to 12

SPEAKING OF GIFTS

Make Room for the Good

by: Eshe Chenzira For years, my younger sisters & I experienced a level of physical and mental abuse that others would have never imagined. We each chose to hide from this life in different ways. One of my sisters became a bully, one refused to speak, and the other, she reached out to help others. I, on the other hand, engulfed myself in books, comics, and school; attempting to create a new life within my own mind. It wasn’t until I reached the age of fourteen that my real world & mental world would collide. I went from the nerd sweetheart to one fed up of the abuse and shunned. I chose running away from home, rehabilitation & detention centers, alcohol abuse, and suicide attempts to escape the pain... the memories... the life. After rehab & after promising my mother to never put her through the pain again, I went back to being a studious young lady, starting college at the age of sixteen, and again burying myself within the pages of history. But I still had never spoken about what happened. The sexual, mental, nor physical abuse of my life... So, I instead became a vessel for continued abuse, putting myself in situations that to this day make me cringe. There are many reasons why one should tell his or her story. And to sit in a doctor’s office to hear these things, one sometimes ignores the thoughts of a PhD preferring those of someone who has experienced what they have... And with that being said, here are my top ten reasons to tell your story... The 10 reasons that influenced me to speak out: Spring 2013

As a fairly new mother to a beautiful three-year old girl, I could never imagine putting my hands on her the way my father had so unscrupulously done to my sisters, mother, and I. Unfortunately, this caused me to develop a fear toward every man that I have met since the age of fourteen. Fear of being hurt if I didn’t do what they wanted, of not being loved if my body wasn’t given as freely as my heart, fear that I could never be fully worthy of anything but pain. This distrust in myself and lack of love for who I was, has also made being a single mother that much more difficult. How can I trust the man who I finally decide to bring into my daughter’s life to not be just as abusive as my own father had been? But with this negative outlook and lack of trust, how can one truly find happiness? I took this chance once, with my child’s father... A man who had not once put his hands on me... Who I trust with my daughter’s life... Who gave me faith that good people do exist... I would not have been a blessed mother without taking this chance. And even as I consider dating again or opening myself up to another man, I have to think... Although one may never truly forget what has happened in their past, why rob someone of the beauty of your future?

9 8

You Deserve More

I’ve heard the misconception that people who have been in one abusive relationship after the other must be the common link. In a way, this is true. Not to say that these people deserve to be abused, as that is never ok. What I’m saying, is that we have a habit of putting ourselves in these similar situations as a means of comfort or feeling like it’s all we deserve. Speaking out and seeking guidance, can help one to finally realize their worth... See that they deserve more than they have given themselves credit for. You Are More than Your Past Prior to opening up about my past and seeking help, I myself, had once become abusive. Not to kids in school, not to random people, but to the ones who cared about me the most. Verbal and physical abuse toward my own family, friends, and ex-husband. In many ways, I had become my father... It wasn’t until I had my child, that I realized who I had become. My insecurities and fears had turned me into a monster. I could not raise my child and have her despise me the way I had despised my own father... Distrust me, fear me, loathe me, and eventually live a life stained by her past. I couldn’t do it. Speaking out about what you have endured www.outspokenmagazine.org

SPEAKING OF GIFTS has the ability to show you things about yourself, repressed or otherwise, that you may not have noticed.

An Explanation to Who You Are Someone very close to me finally spoke out about the abuse she had endured as a child. This woman was hardcore. She was so cold. Mean. Calculated. One would have simply called her a b*****. But no one knew, that she had developed this tactic as a means to protect herself. She had been sexually abused by her own father for years. After over twenty years, not even her own mother or brothers & sister knew what she had been through. It had all finally made sense to them. Why she had been this way. We sometimes develop shells or personas to hide the pain of what we have survived. Rather than lose sight of who you are, speaking about your pain and discussing this abuse, can finally free you of the restraints of your own protective walls. Allow people to see the true beauty within you.

Emotional Healing

Depression, faithlessness, aggressiveness, sadness, insecurity, fear, heartache, anger, closed-mindedness, pessimism... Just a few emotions that can develop from within an individual with an abusive past. Unbearable feelings that can become overwhelming to say the least. I’ve been there. Trapped in my own mind, struggling with my own thoughts... Trying to find a glint of positivity that just wouldn’t surface. Speaking out about one’s abuse has the ability, whether with a friend or a doctor, to bring one very clear item to light.... YOU are strong!! To have gone through abuse and still be able to feel anything, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Knowing this, will bring you one step closer to healing.

Strengthening Important Relationships

Unbeknownst to many people who have lived lives of abuse, your inability to speak out and overcome your past, can have a dramatic effect on the people you do choose to keep in your life. You may inadvertently push them away by being afraid. Your insecurities viewed as mere jealousy. Your tears as overly dramatic. When I came home from juvenile detention at the age of fourteen, my mother weighed almost 100lbs less than she had just 3 months prior to my incarceration.... years later, I would cry alone for hours when my ex-husband wasn’t around... Contemplating slitting my wrist over the simple fear that he would leave me. That if my father hurt me, he Spring 2013

would do the same. Not over an argument, but my own fear. It wasn’t until we sought couple’s counseling that I realized how hurt he had been... How much pain I had caused him by assuming I’d been successful in hiding my own. Letting those you love into your heart and in your journey of speaking out, will not only strengthen your own relationship, but make the process easier to handle.

You’re not Alone I was reading the 4th edition of “An Introduction to Psychology” by Rod Plotnik. One of the effects of my past has been to study Psychology for my own vices... A silly attempt to thinking I needed to “cure” myself. Within this book, there is mention of Marilyn van Derbur. After further research, I was surprised by her story. Marilyn, coined “Miss America by Day,” had endured sexual abuse for 13 years by her own father. She, like myself, hid this truth by living her life as if nothing was happening. At the age of twenty-four, and after coming clean to her minister, fiancé, and family, she found that she was not the only one... Her oldest sister had also been suffering for years. Speaking out may not only alleviate the emotional damage one endures during these situations, but could prevent others from going through similar situations.

3 2 1

. Healthy Mind, Healthy Body Your mind and body are intertwined; your emotions have a major effect on your health. Emrika Padus’ “A Complete Guide to Your Emotions & Your Health” is a powerful book for helping readers obtain the “specific balance of mental ‘nutrients’ for a happy, tranquil, and creative mind.” I have found, that at my happiest, I have maintained a great weight and level of energy. Whenever I find myself reflecting too harshly on my past, I am more likely to get sick, lose weight, feel tired, and even go into a dark place. Talking about your abuse will not only allow for a feeling of freedom, but will have a dramatic effect on your health. An Encouraging Heart

I can’t sit here and pretend I live the perfect life. Far from it. I sometimes find myself dwelling a little too much on what has happened and how it now affects me. But, I have learned to use this past as a means of encouragement for others... Men, women, & children. To having once lived a life of abuse, pain, and heartache, to now being a happy mother, actress, writer, & musician. I have used my pain and past to build on my roles and in my writing. I have spoken to troubled youth in the very same rehab I once attended as a child. Our stories aren’t all the same, but yours could touch someone in a way you never expected. Your pain could become the voice someone else uses to speak out. How fulfilling would that be? Freedom

Do you remember carrying a backpack full of books in the first week of school before truly knowing which ones you needed? How about how it felt when you finally took it off? That’s what it’s like to speak out about your abuse. Like the world is no longer strapped to your back - or your heart! The freedom and ability to move forward are empowering to say the least. Removing those unwanted books (or memories) from the backpack that is your life, leaves room for you to put more important, lighter things in their place. No one knows when you are ready to speak out about your abuse. No one but you. And it may take a few hours to even years to finally become comfortable enough to get to that point. You have a voice, let it be heard. www.outspokenmagazine.org

SURVIVOR STORY

SURVIVOR PROFILE by Susanne M. Dillmann, PsyD www.goodtherapy.org

Another way to understand your healing journey is to think of growing from a place of victimization to survival and finally into thriving. While you had no choice about being victimized, you do have a choice about growing through these stages. Regardless of what the traumatic event was, where or when it occurred, there was a period of time, however short or long, when you were victimized. This victimization is not of your doing and is not something to have guilt or shame about, rather it is a factual reality to understand, accept and grow through. When an individual cannot or does not (for whatever reasons) grow through the period of victimization, one can think of this person as being stuck within the victim stage. An individual within the victim stage feels as though she/ he is still in the trauma ╨ no matter how long ago the actual traumatic incident(s) was. This sense of being in that moment(s) of time permeates the person╒s feelings, thoughts as well as behaviors and can even permeate into the individual╒s sense of self (aka identity). It is common for an individual within this stage to avoid many of her/his emotions, while experiencing an abundance of the following emotions: a sense helplessness, vulnerability, defenselessness, fragility, discouragement and wanting to hide; feeling out of control or angry; hoping to be rescued; or experiencing self-pity, numbness, defeat, shame or self-hatred. The individual often perceives her/himself as lacking choices, as having few possibilities and as most likely having a shortened future. This combination of thoughts tends to lead to little planning for the future and a preoccupation with the past. In addition the individual may feel controlled by memories of the event, particularly if the individual is struggling with flashbacks. Common behaviors that arise out of these thoughts and feelings are self-destructive ones such as addictions or a pervasive passivity. While most individuals, even those who have been stuck within this stage for quite some time, do not desire to be within the victimization stage, some individuals do experience secondary gains (such as love, support, attention, assistance) from being within this victim stage. These benefits can also become intertwined with the individual╒s way of life, identity, etc╔ making it all the more difficult to grow through this phase. Just as some individuals struggle with leaving this stage, some individuals struggle with being in this stage and try to avoid acknowledging the fact of her/his victimization. Neither approach is healthy because true recovery can only occur when you have dwelt within and then healed out of this stage.

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Victim

Survivor

Thriver

Doesn’t deserve nice things or trying for the good life

Struggling for reasons & chance to heal

Gratitude for everything in life

Low self esteem/shame/ unworthy

Sees self as wounded & healing

Sees self as an overflowing miracle

Hyper vigilant

Using tools to learn to relax

Gratitude for new life

Alone

Seeking help

Oneness

Feels Selfish

Deserves to seek help

Proud of Healthy Self caring

Damaged

Naming what happened

Was wounded & now healing

Confusion & numbness

Learning to grieve, grieving past ungrieved trauma

Grieving at current losses

Overwhelmed by past

Naming & grieving what happened

Living in the present

Hopeless

Hopeful

Faith in self & life

Uses outer world to hide from self

Stays with emotional pain

Understands that emotional pain will pass & brings new insights

Hides their story

Not afraid to tell their story to .safe people

Beyond telling their story, but always aware they have created their own healing with HP

Believes everyone else is better, stronger, less damaged

Comes out of hiding to hear others & have compassion for them & eventually self

Lives with an open heart for self & others

Often wounded Learning how to by unsafe others protect self by share, check, share

Protects self from unsafe others

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SURVIVOR STORY

Places own needs last

Learning healthy needs (See Healing the Child Within & )Gift to Myself

Places self first realizing that is the only way to function & eventually help others

Creates one drama after another

See patterns

Creates peace

Believes Feeling some suffering is the relief, knows human condition they need to continue in recovery

Finds joy in peace

Serious all the time

Seeing the humor in life

Beginning to laugh

Uses Feels associated Uses healthy inappropriate painful feelings humor humor, including instead teasing Uncomfortable, numb or angry around toxic people

Increasing Healthy awareness of boundaries pain & dynamics around toxic people, incl. relatives

Lives in the past

Aware of patterns

Lives in the Now

Angry at religion

Understanding the difference between religion & personal spirituality

Enjoys personal relationship with the God of their understanding

Suspicious of therapists-projects

Sees therapist as guide during projections

Sees reality as their projection .& owns it

Needs people & chemicals to believe they are all right

Glimpses of self-acceptance & fun without others

Feels authentic & connected, Whole

â&#x20AC;?Depressionâ&#x20AC;&#x153;

Movement of feelings

Aliveness

Once you have grown through the victim stage, you enter into the survivor stage, which is the time when you begin to feel strong and to truly believe that you have, as well as claim, resources and choices. A key realization of this stage is that you have gotten through the trauma intact or mostly intact, that you are indeed outside of it. This understanding allows you to begin integrating the trauma into your life story, to take control of life and to recognize your potential for change and growth. For many a sense of satisfaction accompanies this realization, as does a shift into an emotional state that has less suffering, less pain, less guilt and definitely less depression. Though many of the difficult emotions are decreasing, you are not necessarily in a happy phase of life though moments of happiness will start to occur more often it may be most apt to state that you are beginning to live moderately well i.e. mostly back to "normal". As you progress through this stage living one day at a time increasingly becomes your primary focus. Coping from day to day and acting upon your commitment to healing, trusting, and restoring relationships becomes the essence of your healing. The thriver stage crystallizes the growth of the survivor stage and takes your healing to the point where you have general satisfaction with life as well as a sense that ordinary life is both interesting and enjoyable. Your commitment to moving forward, to taking care of your physical health, to investing in your career, your relationships, in love and life allows these gains to occur. Emotionally, feelings of strength, empowerment, compassion, resilience and selfdetermination eclipse the emotions experienced within the victim stage. In addition a renewed sense of joy, peace and happiness arises because you have grown despite the traumatic experience; you are living well. It is within this thriver stage that your thinking becomes less pessimistic; you begin to think and believe that you have long-term options, that there is a point to planning for the future and you begin to recognize and embrace new possibilities. This living well is also exemplified in your ability to connect with others who are suffering, to accept imperfections in the ones you love and to reach out to others. Your life is once again rich in meaningful relationships, which help you find your sense of meaning and purpose. If any symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder, or other disorders, remain you have learned how to effectively cope with these symptoms. Ultimately you perceive yourself as more than a victim. You recognize that you are a valuable individual who though tempered by tragedy has risen and moved beyond the trauma. Copyright 2011 by Susanne M. Dillmann, PsyD, therapist in Escondido, CA. All Rights Reserved.

Spring 2013

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Feature

Spring 2013

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Tell Your Story

Excerpt from my memoire

SEXUAL ASSUALT: Raped By A Demonic Pig by: Winsome Alexander

Spring 2013

There was no peace to be had with the boys at the party. They all swarmed me like flies to fruit on a hot summer day and I just couldn’t get away from them. But my classmate’s sister’s boyfriend was the was the most persistent. He irritated the heck out of me when he kept coming around saying things to me in my ear and trying to kiss me. Each time he approached me, I would walk away quickly and quietly not wanting to arouse any attention to us, even though he was annoying me beyond tolerance. (Breakthrough: How readily I took responsibility for things that were not even my fault. I must have learned somewhere that whenever things went wrong it was entirely my fault.) I must have learned somewhere that whenever things went wrong it was entirely my fault. He drove us all back home from the party. Surprisingly, Judy’s parents allowed him and Jasmin, Judy’s older sister to sleep together. They retired to their room on the other side of the house. Then, Judy and I made a game of deciding who was going to have the fun experience of sleeping on the large cushion thingy on her floor; I got the thingy. Sometime during the night, hands suddenly covered my mouth and I was being taken outside the room by big, rough strong hands, while Judy slept soundly in her bed. Now please somebody, help me with what I’m about to say next. Even as I was being led away from the safety of my bed for the night by a man I knew had no business even speaking to me, why was I suddenly in a silent panic

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Tell Your Story

SEXUAL ASSUALT: Sexual Assault: Raped By A Demonic Pig

desperately praying that no one would awake and find me and this man together while already drowning in an overwhelming wave of shame? Even as he was leading me out of that room, shame bullied me out of myself so that I wished I could become invisible. A remnant of me went with him past the bathroom and into an unused room, which I remembered, had furniture thrown about all covered in thick dust. I cannot remember if he laid me on a table, a bed or stood up holding me; I wish I could. I will tell you all that I do remember. He was still covering my mouth when he penetrated me. At one point he tried to kiss me but that I could not abide. His breath was nasty from drinking or sheer early morning yuk. I don’t know. (Breakthrough I wonder if he had been down on Jasmin before trying to kiss me.) My mind was spinning with a million flashing thoughts; foremost was, hold still, it will soon be over, stay quiet so no one will hear you, could this really be happening, when is it going to be over, am I being raped? I don’t want this but why is it suddenly feeling so good. Concentrate hard; stay quiet so you won’t wake any one. When will all this be over? O God, I AM SO ASHAMED. Rereading this months after first writing it…(Breakthrough: I must have learned from experiences with the uncle to be still so as not to wake anyone and to take the blame for this attack.) He finished and walked away from me. I went back to bed quietly, feeling like I was in a dream and fell asleep almost immediately. I pretended the rape never happened and pushed it out of my mind. Boy was I good at burying things and pretending my world, the safe one where only I lived, was real. Time passed and I was in a doctor’s office learning my fate. The doctor was cold. He said, “No use crying now. You weren’t crying when you were doing it.” Shame overshadowed me again and it broke through my defenses I’m sure, this time settling permanently on my countenance. Inside I was screaming, “No, doctor. You don’t understand. I was raped!” I left the doctor’s office in a daze. I died a certain death that day because my whole life passed over my mind’s eye

Spring 2013

but there was no vision of a future. What becomes of a young Jamaican girl who really has no one to lean on, no education and now pregnant? That was the very mother of disgrace and scandal in that culture at the time. You were absolutely nothing if you got pregnant under the wrong circumstances. For one; you were not supposed to be having sex. You were supposed to be a good girl. After all, you attended a nice catholic school run by strict nunsnuns who taught you how to behave like chaste little virgins. I remained silent about my condition until it occurred to me I was going to start showing and everyone would know if I didn’t do something; but do what? A few weeks later… Five of us went down to Ocho Rios that afternoon. One of Anya’s older brothers, Errol, his girlfriend, the other brother whose name I cannot remember and who I had not met until that day, Anya and myself. Back then I also prided myself on being adventurous and wasn’t going to pass up this opportunity to experience someplace new. But I clearly remember wondering why Anya wanted to invite me on this trip since we were never really friends. The answer came soon after we got to Ochie. Errol and his girl left the cottage for the beach. Anya went somewhere (perhaps sent by her brother) and I was coerced to stay with the other brother who was making me very uncomfortable. Already I didn’t like him. He was huge and red skinned. I’ve never been attracted to fair skinned black men and his complexion was the worst. As soon as they left he took me to the bathroom and forced himself upon me. He went down on me and I found myself fighting this puzzling feeling good that was suddenly coming over me. Squeezing my legs I was desperately trying to cut off the weird waves and spasms that were running along my lower body, and though I did not realize it then, I had an orgasm with his mouth on me. I could not understand why I hated this man and hated what was happening to me and feeling so nauseous but still the horrible thing he was doing to me felt strangely pleasurable so I was confused and angry with myself as much as I was angry with him. That was the first time that was done to me and I thought he was the nastiest www.outspokenmagazine.org

beast there ever was. As he had his pleasure with me, helpless, perplexing, angry thoughts tumbled around in my mind. God, please let this be over soon, I am unable to fight this man, he is too big, he stinks terribly. I remember thinking he must have a disease, he smelled so bad and he sweat like a pig. (Do pigs sweat?) He looked like a pig, big and fat and red and ugly! Lord, forgive me, I know he is your son and you love him despite… But I HATED HIM ! He was forcing himself on me and I was powerless to stop him. I was screaming for him to stop, and fought as much as I could. He said to scream and fight all I wanted to, because there was no one to hear me. At some point I realized the futility of fighting; he was much too big and strong for me so I gave up and just laid there weeping deep inside. I figured the less I fought the sooner it would all be over. “I feel so sick I want to vomit.” I realized later that I wanted to vomit because I was having afternoon sickness because I was pregnant. I was pregnant from the first rape when the second happened. I immediately took a bath feeling completely disconnected from reality and a hate and anger and helplessness so strong there was no place for it but to bury it as deep as I could to remove it from me. So that’s what I did as I sat in that tub soaking in guilt and shame remembering his stench, his sweat, his big ugly body and the confusing weird feeling of his mouth on me, the rawness of my vagina, hungry, tired and still wanting to vomit. Readers, do you know that as I am writing this I automatically reached for the covers to cover any part of my body that is exposed then remembered that I am far removed from that experience now? Can I tell you how hard my heart is beating, how I am trembling and how I am starting to cry but just like I felt in that bathtub what is the use of crying, Who cares? Who could I tell that would truly understand the depth of the pain? Just bury it so no one will know you are hurting but crying is pointless and weak. I just let out a long breath which tells me I had been holding my breath while writing about sitting in the bath tub. Everyone made me out to be crazy when they came back and I suddenly wanted to be taken home. Of course I did not tell them what happened while they were away. I had insisted on leaving by myself but they talked me into staying so they could take me home. I threw a fit at some point during the trip home and insisted on being let out of the car in Ochie square so I could take the bus Spring 2013

back home for I could not endure driving back with them. My hate for this man was so strong it felt like a huge lump in my chest suffocating me. I am not sure if this was the time that I took the bus home pretending to be asleep with my head on the shoulder of a young man as three of us sat smashed together in the front of an overcrowded minibus, all the way from Old Harbour, then caught another bus to my aunt’s. Is this when I saw my brother at the bus stop? Did he say he was coming from spending time with his friend one of Anya’s little brothers? Why can’t I remember these bits?

Tell Your Story

It is not fair to you the reader that I am telling a story where I can’t even remember some of the details but bear with me please. I can’t even remember his name. My loss of memory of parts of my story is just as relevant to the whole story. Certain traumatic details of a person’s life, especially childhood traumas get buried so deeply one might require intense psycho therapy to induce recollection of those events. Rape is a nasty horrible thing and so hard to talk about. It is like being held up and robbed of parts of your insides in an act that renders you helpless as you are forced to lie there and endure someone ravaging the most intimate parts of you and you can do nothing about it and it is like dying. Imagine death coming over you. You know you are dying and you are afraid but you know you can do nothing about it. You will breathe your last breath and you will die. Many women still cannot describe the actual act of rape even years after the offence but I know how important telling the story is to our healing so I am offering to be your voice. Women I talk to can talk all around the scene but the actual rape causes them to break down in tears and go silent every time. Now let me add that while it is advisable to tell your story for your own healing, you need to feel safe in doing so because you will need a lot of patient, understanding support during and after disclosure of the rape. Telling it usually means reliving it and risking trauma all over again so if you have not told anyone about your rape, I sacrifice my story to help you begin to honestly admit this terrible thing happened to you and it was not your fault and you did not ask for it. I’m here to give you permission to describe it, stare it in the face and then hopefully discard it… www.outspokenmagazine.org

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Sarah Liqueâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Truth By Sarah Lique Celebrities sell publications yes, but we all have a story and OUTSPOKEN Magazine is proud to publish those of ordinary, everyday persons like Sarah. We have purposely left hers unedited so it comes directly from her heart to yours. This is Sarahâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s truth; her own story. My story begins at about seven. I was adopted by a prominent couple in Boston. Prominent by way of good education, strong backgrounds in the Human Services field. My Father was the Executive Director at an agency for elderly and disabled folks, my Mother taught at Boston University. My first recollection of abuse was at the age of seven. We were visiting my Uncle and his then wife and my cousin. I remember, to paint an accurate picture, my male cousin and I lying naked together. He asked me to fondle his genitals. I hesitated, did not oblige so he began himself. Then my Uncle came to tuck us in. Vividly I remember his hand behind, on top, inside of me. I remember him saying, him being my Uncle with his deep burlesque voice, "I smelly doody" and at that point I was immediately ashamed and also horrified. I knew what happened should not have taken place. Naturally, I felt it was me who was responsible. The look,feel, sight, surrounding, feeling trapped. His hands, him demanding me to allow him to touch my 'labia'. Such profound sadness. A few months later, my Uncle returned onto the picture, to my families home. Again! His genitals exposed. And again except in my bed. I had a situation that brought upon these memories at 15. A male friend

SARAH LIQUE of mine from my families church forced himself upon me. I felt like a mark. If I only could have known. I had repeated suicide attempts as a teen which were near fatal. I had a hindsight of graphic disturbances that I was unable to make peace with. This was later to become a deeply disturbing array of what I now know to be Domestic Abuse. I am not unlike common Domestic Abuse victims. I met my ex at a vulnerable time. That is when I was twenty. Ten years later I say thank God I survived. More than five evictions. Name calling, threats and acts of physical and sexual violence. Plus my undying dedication and wanting to "fix" a person more broken than I. Someone who I became to believe that I loved. Over the course of that ten years, I grew accustomed to wanting to perfect my physical appearance, be a stellar friend and even more superb lover. Of course now I know that his infatuation was unhealthy. That my desire to show unconditional love was being granted upon the wrong soul. I am thirty now, and at times I feel like I am seventy. I firsthand witnessed true despair, poverty and deceit and the world of drugs and alcoholism and the direct impact it takes. May all survivors be free and unashamed. Peace be with you.

Spring 2013

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Tell Your Story

Spring 2013

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Tell Your Story

CHOSEN TO SURVIVE By Sarah Burleton NY Times Bestselling author of, Why Me? I am a survivor. I am a survivor of horrific physical and mental abuse inflicted upon me by my mother, the one person in my life who was supposed to protect me and love me unconditionally. During my childhood, after a long night of being beaten or terrorized, I would lie in my bed, squeeze my eyes shut and ask myself, “Why Me?” over and over. Why didn’t my mother love me? Why was I born to a woman who didn’t want me? Why was I so unlovable that my own mother would spit in my face and call me her biggest mistake? What was wrong with me?

SARAH & EVAN

Placing blame on myself instead of my mother became very common for me. No matter how many times my mother would beat me or scream into my face that she wished I was dead, I truly could not comprehend how my own mother could not love me. I witnessed her hugging and kissing my younger sister all of the time, so I knew that she had the ability to love a child of her own. Witnessing her behavior with my little sister led me to believe that I was the problem and I deserved to be punished because I truly was everything she said I was; a rotten example of a Spring 2013

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CHOSEN TO SURVIVE COND'T human being. I gritted my teeth and forced back tears while my mother punched and choked me in the hopes of having that one great day; the day that Mom would scoop me up in her arms and hug me and tell me for the first time in my life that she loved me. The day that I wouldn’t get beaten and I would finally make my mother proud of me. That day never came. Long after I moved out of my mother’s house and the scars from the years of abuse had faded; I still struggled in day to day interactions with people. Never experiencing a mother’s love made me untrusting and paranoid of any relationship; personal or professional and affected the way I was at work and at home. I had trouble meeting new people and looking them in the eyes out of fear that they would see the same rotten person that my mother had me believing I was. I was triggered daily and flashed back to scenes from my childhood at the most inappropriate moments one can imagine. On the outside, I portrayed a strong, confident woman; but on the inside, I was still that scared little girl curled up on the floor, praying that her mother would stop beating her and just give her a hug. Then on Groundhog’s Day in 2007, my little boy Evan came into the world and changed my life forever. The moment I held him and looked into his eyes, the overwhelming feeling of love that coursed through my body was unlike anything I had ever felt before. All I wanted to do was protect and hold this little boy for the rest of my life and it was at that moment I realized that something was seriously wrong with my mother. Something was wrong with a mother who could hold their own newborn baby and not feel the love I felt. Something was wrong with a mother who could hurt their own flesh and blood the way I was hurt.

I needed to sort out my feelings and really try to understand why I had been treated the way I was so I did the only thing I knew how to do; I wrote. I sat on the floor of my living room with a little laptop computer and wrote about the things in my life still giving me nightmares and still affecting me in my dayto-day life. I wrote about the beatings, her horrible nicknames, the murder of my animal, and her manipulation of everyone in our family. As I read back what I had written, my attitude about myself and my childhood began to change. I had made excuses my entire life for my mother and deep down, I still felt as if I deserved everything I got as a child. But as I read back what I went through and thought of my son and thought of someone doing the things to him that my mother did to me, my blood began to boil. I realized that I was just an innocent child, born to a mentally unstable woman who hated herself so much that she had to take her anger out on her first born child. I realized that I had spent a good majority of my adulthood punishing myself and those around me because I was carrying around so much blame and guilt for what my mother did to me as a child. I wanted to help just one person, one person who was like me, still blaming themselves for the actions of their abuser and still suffering in their lives, so I uploaded my book to Amazon and tried to forget about it. Within weeks I started to get feedback about my book and I was amazed at the response I got from my little story. I was more amazed at how many of “us” are out there; those of us who were abused as children by a loved one and still walking around suffering as adults. I started receiving letters of gratitude from readers who suddenly didn’t feel so alone, they felt like someone out there understood how they felt and how they still feel. Almost overnight, I had become a voice, a voice for those who had suffered and were still suffering. I was the one who had spoken up and put my past out there for the world to see. I wasn’t ashamed any more and more importantly, I wasn’t afraid of my mother anymore. I wasn’t afraid to tell the world what she had done and I wasn’t afraid of her hurting me for telling our “secret”. All of us who have suffered at the hands of a loved one during our childhood need to lose the fear; lose the fear of people finding out what happened to us, lose the fear of looking weak or powerless because we are victims of abuse. We are not victims; we are survivors and we should be proud to tell others what we have overcome rather than hide in the shadows and be ashamed of what we went through. We survived and we can help others who are suffering if we are open, share our stories, and let those who are still suffering know that they are not alone. So, Why Me? Why not? Maybe I suffered so I can help others and show that they can survive the terrors of their past. Maybe I suffered to write this article, to help that one person who desperately needs to know that they are not alone. Instead of asking “Why Me” now, I ask myself, “OK, it was me, now what?” And for me, “now what” is getting out into the community and spreading the word about child abuse; making people aware of what could be going on right next door or down the street from them. I want people to see my face, see the smiling face of my son, read my story and realize that if I survived, then they can survive too. I pray for all of you suffering and I love you all.

Spring 2013

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TELL YOUR STORY

MENTAL ILLNESS...ME? Excerpt from OUTSPOKEN: How the secrets I never told until now almost destroyed me. Soon to be released memoire by Winsome Alexander

I happen to know that there are a lot of people with mental inefficiencies, on medication and receiving psych treatment but from the looks of it, they have it all together. I also know that too many of us are struggling with our mental issues but are either in denial or because of the stigma attached to mental illness are too embarrassed to seek help. Here, I have sacrificed yet another part of my story to help you deal with issues that are wrecking your life, preventing you from becoming the original you. It’s not because I am so much braver than you that I can open up about my challenges. It’s because I want so very much to heal and it’s because I have been called to be a testimony for you, to help lead you out of bondage even as I am walking out. Come on, survivors, we can do this together. Let’s come out of the darkness, share our stories to heal ourselves and help others.

Spring 2013

I feel like I am surely about to lose my mind. I can feel myself almost going in and out of consciousness. The pain is so unbearable, I really want to die. I’m having a panic attack but I don’t realize it because I’ve never heard the term before. I do feel like if I don’t get some relief soon, I might do something drastic to stop hurting so badly. From out of nowhere a 1-800 number I had seen in commercials on TV comes to mind. I really just need to talk to someone to help me past this overwhelming moment of fear and confusion and profound sadness. I dial the number and I’m glad someone answers. A concerned voice on the other end of the line listens to me and I know at one point she asked me if I felt like hurting someone. I don’t remember what I answered. Nor do I remember telling her I felt like hurting myself but I must have because I was still talking to her when I heard the ambulance sirens. She continued to talk to me and it was actually helping but then I heard loud urgent bandings on my door. She told me it was the ambulance and the police, that she would stay on the phone with me but I should go ahead and open the door. Despite confused protests, they took me to the hospital where I waited an eternity. I’m not usually a patient person, but I just sat there in an isolated room with a table and chair, not asking any questions. A guard kept watch over me and engaged me in conversation. I remember telling her how upset I was that my boyfriend was with someone else even as we spoke. She said something to the effect of that was not worth me getting so worked up about. Her words made no sense to me, I was barely aware of myself or my situation. I was tired though, but I just sat there and waited.

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TELL YOUR STORY

Spring 2013

purchase a lot of pills and take them like I did before. At that point they validated my sadness and suggested two ways we could deal with this. To my knowledge I was tricked into signing myself into the hospital. Next thing I knew they were taking me to the registration desk and telling the clerk that Ms. Alexander will be staying with us. Suddenly hands were helping me to remove my shoes, giving hospital shoes and gown and my personal belongings taken. In complete confusion, I complied, the reality of what was going on still far from connecting with my mind. I spent three weeks in the mental ward of that hospital in Bronx New York, feeling helpless and trapped, refusing to take medicine and worried about my apartment and my job. In group therapy one day a technician was educating us about mental illness. That’s when it dawned on me that I was there because they must have thought I was mentally ill. At the end of the session I asked the technician, “Are you telling me that I have a mental illness?” “Yes, you do,” she said. Stunned, I asked, “What is my diagnosis?” “Major depression.” ” Major depression? I asked, That’s a mental illness?” Yes, it is, she replied. I immediately tried to reason what that information meant for my life from then on. I still would not accept that I had a mental illness. The other people in the ward were mentally ill, they were crazy in fact. I was not like them crazy people. They had made a mistake. I was tricked into signing into this place. I’ll show them. One thing the technician said in the class that day stuck with me. People who come for treatment for suicide attempts or ideations, often relapse in about six weeks if not properly cared for with medication and or counseling. As a condition for leaving I promised to attend outpatient counseling two to three times a week and take medication. Sure enough, six weeks later I was brought in again having swallowed all of the pills they gave me in a desperate attempt to stop hurting. As the ambulance rushed me inside the hospital, the nurses or doctors asked me why I did it. I said, “I just wanted some peace.” If you have a story or if you are a mental health professional, we would like to hear from you.

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SPEAKING OF GIFTS

Path Changes and the Gifts That Come With the Changes

It was very early on when the path of my life was decided and probably earlier than the typical child. At the time, I really had no idea how the paths of life can change and change so quickly. It was my 4th grade year of elementary school and I was very excited to have the teacher that I was going to have for the year. My brother that was 3 years older than I had the same teacher for his 4th grade year. I will call him Mr. A. That’s right – Mister! For me it was the first time that I realized that a man could be a teacher. I had a great relationship with Mr. A and during the course of the year, from time to time; he would allow me to grade some papers or assist him in the classroom with a variety of tasks. Whenever he wanted a volunteer for something I was sure to raise my hand. It didn’t take long for me to realize that when I was to become an adult I wanted to be a teacher! For me, it was one of those things that I just knew for certain and it wasn’t long after that I decided I wanted to teach at the elementary level for special education. As sure as I was about what I wanted to do when I grew up is how much I was unaware of how one’s path in life could change and quickly at that. I was a typical kid that was growing up in the 70’s at the Jersey Shore in the typical home life set up of mom, dad, brother and myself. It was a very small town in which everyone pretty much knew each other and it was customary at the time to never have a locked door on your house. It was a time period where you went outside to play, and you didn’t come back until it was time to eat dinner. Just 3 years after making my decision of wanting to be a teacher my life would change forever. It was at the age of 12 when I was sexually abused by a trusted neighbor. The horrific acts that took place would ravage my body and claim my innocence, purity, and the loss of childhood. What would remain, that I would carry right into my adult life would be a fragile young man. Even though what you would see was an exterior that portrayed that everything was ok. That’s because this was a customized abuse. Complete with grooming and a tailored plan that would make me feel like a willing participant that would only get into trouble if I ever spoke up. It would last for a period of 5 years when at the age of 17 I put a stop to it by saying I could not do it any longer.

RHETT HACKETT

We who are gifted to tell our stories publicly have a special calling to pave the way for others to come out of the bondage of silent suffering: Keyon Dooling Spring 2013

It wasn’t until I was 21 that I would tell my girlfriend, (who became my wife), what had happened to me. I was under the misconception that in doing so, I was healed from this level of abuse, but never really knew that it was abuse or that I had nothing to do with what happened to me. It was something that I just didn’t want to speak of again and that would only lead to it sitting inside of me. My defense mechanism was that I would just simply lead the perfect life and a home, career, and two children later, that is exactly what I did. It was the same thing that I did in high school and it worked then. All I had to do was excel at everything I did and nobody would ever see a flaw. The only problem is that life gets complicated, and paths change. For 24 years I had maneuvered in this manner and the bottom gave out in 2005 and it was then that I www.outspokenmagazine.org

SPEAKING OF GIFTS

decided that I need to seek professional help so that I could move past this and live freely! After 5 years of therapy, and countless number of times I felt like I moved beyond my childhood, it would rear its ugly head again. After putting my story in a book format, the reality of it all scared me to the point where I couldn’t even recognize who I was and wanted out of my life, marriage, etc. I knew I had to do something and remembered an organization that had group weekends of recovery, Malesurvivor. org. Everything that I had done up until that moment was in preparation for what was about to happen. In May of 2010 I attended their Weekend Of Recovery and it turned my life around. For the first time I was witnessing and hearing all the thoughts that had been in me for nearly 30 years and the amazing power of knowing that you are not alone. I could see the shattered look in the other men’s eyes, and it was one that I had seen in myself, but also in others that I could not place my finger on. Regardless, I came out of that weekend for the first time really knowing that what happened to me was not my fault. With that came a drive to want to speak out knowing how many men and women suffer from the ugly and destructive affects child sexual abuse has on the victim and their families and being able to relate to that having gone through my own valiant battle. The opportunity to speak out would come 5 months later and on November 5, 2010, an episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show aired on national television. She did a special called “200 Men Sexually Abused” with Tyler Perry and I was one of the men profiled on the show. It would be the first time that I publicly spoke of my abuse, and would also give details of what happened. It was the best thing I could have ever done, my life has never been the same, and what happened afterwards was phenomenal. I knew with going public my intent was to at least help one person. If that happened, I knew that it would have been worth it. My one person came before the show even aired and that person ended up being my father-in-law. He never told anyone but because I was going to say it on national television he figured he could tell us his story. That was just the beginning of the testimonies I would receive, and the opportunities that were provided to me, to continue telling my story and reaching Spring 2013

not just out to others, but “into” others. Those opportunities consisted of newspapers, radio, television, and public speaking events, providing testimony in the New Jersey Senate, and even participating in a play in New York City! What I have discovered having gone through all of this is an amazing gift! It is the gift of being able to communicate to others my story, and reach them in a place that allows them to see me as a reflection of their life and for them to feel free to tell their story. I have a gift to be able to speak to people from different backgrounds, ages, and educational levels and provide a vision of hope through demonstration and move them in a way towards a more positive life – what a gift! I made a commitment after doing the Oprah Show that I was going to remain visible so that people could see that after telling my story I was okay. When I think back to when those horrific events were taking place, to being on national TV telling my story, to typing these words right now, that is what defines a miracle to me, brought on by my own personal strength, and the grace of God! For so long, I was fighting for some sort of life that would feel normal to me, that would feel right because of how I thought it should have been, instead of living the life that I was created for. I gained the appreciation for the fact that my design is truly unique that at one moment I didn’t exist and through the miracle of life, a signature “piece” evolved that would never be replicated! Along with the understanding that I am responsible for my life and how I live it. The ability to be decisive, to move forward and not look back with regret has allowed me to develop what I call the gratitude attitude! Everyday I am able to wake up and say, “Thank you, I get to do another day again!” I have had some amazing people come into my life, starting with the love of my life, my wife of 22 years, and my children! Countless family members and friends that have embraced me along the way through my journey! I am often asked where I am at today and what are my goals or what am I doing? The lead facilitator at my weekend of recovery, Dr. Howard Fradkin was also the doctor that was on the Oprah Show. He decided to write a book “Joining Forces Empowering Male Survivors to Thrive ” and both my wife and I had the wonderful experience of being able to be writers and contribute to the book and tell our story. It was another part of that commitment and the ability to help others and I want to continue to do just that. When I break it down, there are really two groups, those that have been sexually abused that need to heal, and those that have not been and need to be protected. For those that need to heal, I want to get to a place where there are enough resources for victims and families. I want those resources to be affordable, easily accessible. If you have ever had the opportunity to look up resources on the web that are there in your home state, you’ll see how very fragmented and confusing they really are! We need to get to a better place with all of that because when you are in the middle of trying to just live through that, it is very hard to figure it all out. That is why I want to experience, endorse, and educate on matters, products, and anything that is going to make a person feel good! As for the term “sexual abuse”, well it typically doesn’t stand on its own. It’s hidden behind “child abuse”, “sexual assault” and not called for what it really is Child Sexual Abuse which is abuse, inflicted on a child, through the use of pictures or behavior that are of a sexual nature. I want to change that! What makes this so challenging is that because there are no pictures or marks, like you see with physical abuse, it is very easy to dismiss it. If we can’t see it, then it must not be there is the wrong way of thinking so we need to keep it at the surface, and make it visible through our stories and communications. That leads me to one of the greatest challenges and that is protecting www.outspokenmagazine.org

SPEAKING OF GIFTS

Path Changes and the Gifts That Come With the Changes

COND'T

children. I say greatest because of the inability to accept that this type of abuse exists in our communities at a rate of about 20% of children being sexually abused. That’s worse than the 1 in 6 children in this country that are obese, yet we changed the whole structure of their school lunch program with the assistance of the federal government. With the topic of child sexual abuse, some schools don’t want to have this discussed in there for fear that someone will get offended because of the topic. My goal is to give children the skills and tools they need, coupled with championing and making them feel good about themselves. That is the ultimate protection because when we assign value to ourselves, we protect what we feel is valuable and oneself should be at the top of the list! This will only be achieved through educating students, parents and teachers! I want to get involved in identifying areas where children are most vulnerable in moments of crisis, change or disruption. Getting involved with the military is a great example because the rotation of housing and where the family is relocated presents having new neighbors, and adults that will be in contact with those children. It is not an expense; it is an investment in what is the greatest natural resource, our children. My motivation to do just that comes from finally understanding the shattered look and where I had seen it before. It is the same look that a parent has when they have lost a child. It is not to say that the feelings are the same, but what happens with child sexual abuse is really the loss of a child, that inner child that lies inside of us all. As a survivor of sexual abuse, you become your own parent, carrying the burden of a child lost. It took me nearly three decades to get to a better place with all of it and I am not the most patient person. If there is ever a reward in all of this it is having another man that is a survivor, come around right in front of you and hearing them say the magic words “I now know it wasn’t my fault”. It is hearing a female tell me that I saved their life because I gave them hope in hearing my story, and gave them a chance to start a new life and to look at themselves in a better way! It motivates me to say that I am here right now, to tell my story. I did it, I continue to do it, and I lived past it which is why I want to not only be heard but understood and I want others to be able to do the same. Sometimes there are those days when my impatience gets the better of me in all of this, whether it is trying to get a law changed, or securing a speaking event and the challenge seems so great. I have those moments when I am saying “I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t do it, this is too hard, and people don’t want to listen . . .” And then I think about some poor guy that is not far along in what happened to him as a child and perhaps he is ready to take his life. I think of a child that is out there somewhere. I can see them trembling in their bed wondering if what happened to them the night before is going to happen to them again. I can feel their thoughts, that what is happening to them is because of something they did, that they are worthless, they made it happen and I think of their big sad eyes, and the life that they will lead but don’t have to. That is why I get up everyday with the joy of knowing that my path changed in a way that allows me to help others and to be a teacher of a different sort. It is this that motivates me in ways that can’t be measured and a gift that I give of myself, that does in fact come back to me. I believe that what we put out is what we get back and if we are lucky, we get reminded of that from time to time so that we know what our true gifts are and what we are supposed to be doing in this world. My birthday just passed and in a Hallmark card given to me from my son were the words that seemed to sum it up; “Just the right mix of down-to-earth and save-the-world . . . that’s you, my everyday hero. My amazing dad.”

Spring 2013

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Spring 2013

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SPEAKING TALL

AN INTERVIEW WITH DR. HOWARD FRADKIN Dr. Fradkin, it is my great pleasure to welcome you to OUTSPOKEN Magazine! First let me say how thrilled and how grateful I am to have found this outstanding resource called, ‘Joining Forces.’ I feel like I hold a piece of treasure in my hands. Although this book was written primarily for male survivors of abuse, what makes it work so well for women as well and did you know when you were writing it that women would benefit so greatly? Dr. Fradkin: Women survivors and many of my female colleagues have taught me a great deal about trauma, about healing, and about selfnurturing. In addition, several of my most effective psychotherapists were women. Women have therefore played a vital role in my education and my own healing. Although I believe there are some important fundamental differences for male survivors, it is also true that much of what I write applies universally to men and women. Still, I admit I was surprised to learn how helpful Joining Forces is for women too, which delights me. I should say as I answer your questions, I sometimes will be referring to he and him, and will also sometimes use both pronouns to keep deliberately including both your female and male readers. OUTSPOKEN: Thank you for that. It’s still such a difficult subject to discuss that I’m surprised by the courage it took to start the organization 19 plus years ago. How did it happen? Dr. Fradkin: Starting the National Organization On Male Sexual Victimization (which later became Male Survivor) is a story about joining forces. It was actually a whole group of male survivor therapists who advocated for an organization to be formed when we were attending a conference about providing therapy to male survivors. Up until 1994, there had been 5 conferences organized to provide education for therapists. The organizers each time did a great job bringing together some of the best minds in the field, yet something was missing. Members of our group felt much more could be done if there was an organization, so a small group of us from Ohio volunteered to host the “constitutional convention” as we called it in 1994 in Columbus. That took some courage since we didn’t know each other before we met there, but we were on a roll. Therapists and survivors from all over the country converged on Columbus, and by the end of the weekend, we had a name and an agreed upon mission. OUTSPOKEN Magazine: So today, what are the real numbers of male survivors and how does that affect society at large? Dr. Fradkin: We can confidently say that 1 in 6 boys is sexually victimized overtly by the age of 16. One in 8 adult rape victims is a male. If you add in boys who are covertly victimized or if you want to refer to it as non-touch victimization, the estimate increases to 1 in 4 boys. Here is the problem, though: we just don’t know for sure, because there are still way too many men who remain silent about their abuse due to profound shame and a great deal of fear about how others might treat them if disclosed. And some of them have yet to even identify that they are victims of sexual abuse, because they have not conceptualized what was done to them as abuse. Society suffers daily from the losses and consequences that arise for male survivors. Some of those potential losses include: significant economic and productivity losses; interpersonal difficulties with managing criticism and guidance from those in positions of power or authority; losses due to mental illness-including suicidality, depression, difficulties managing Spring 2013

DR. HOWARD FRADKIN

Joining Forces EMPOWERING MALE SURVIVORS OF ABUSE fear and anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder and dissociative disorders; losses due to difficulties managing anger-from those who rage to those who shut down; losses due to men who struggle or are unable to form intimate lasting relationships; losses due to chemical dependency, sex addiction, and other compulsive behaviors; losses due to men who are too afraid to be parents or teachers or coaches, believing the myth that survivors become perpetrators; and underneath of all this is the tragic loss of self esteem and self-confidence, that can cost society in every transaction in which a male survivor may engage. OUTSPOKEN: I’m learning that like you, a large number of men were molested in childhood and again sexually assaulted in adulthood. Is there www.outspokenmagazine.org

for victimization. Offenders may spend decades sharpening these skills by learning how best to isolate, manipulate and groom their numerous victims. What makes a boy vulnerable is that the first incidence of victimization leaves that boy most often with an immense amount of shame and fear. What a boy learns when he is victimized and then subsequently unprotected is that he has no right to be protected, that in fact he “deserved” to be abused. Further, often the boys who are victimized may suffer from a deficit in healthy attention from adults and oftentimes parents. This deficit leads them to believe that the type of attention they receive when victimized, being treated as a sex object (even though abuse is never an act of sex), is desirable as compared to no or little attention. All of these notions are lies, but unfortunately, survivors learn to be loyal to the offenders who perpetrate abuse and teach them lies, and it is difficult and painful to unlearn this loyalty. And it is absolutely possible!

OUTSPOKEN: We know that survivors tend to keep abuse secret: How can we encourage survivors to break the silence, how does a survivor prepare to tell their story and what are the benefits of telling? Dr. Fradkin: Every time a survivor speaks his truth, he is helping other survivors to speak their truth as well. That is why I am so proud of the Silence Breakers, who each chose to break their silence in Joining Forces. The Silence Breakers are not famous; I specifically wanted to write about non-famous people, as most of us relate much more to people just like us. I am proud and grateful for many famous people who in the last two years have also come forward, including my friend Tyler Perry, Sugar Ray Leonard, Keyon Dooling, Senator Scott Brown, CNN’s Don Lemmon, Tom Arnold, Greg Louganis, Carlos Santana, Axl Rose, Michael Reagan, and Canadian hockey stars Sheldon Kennedy and Theoren Fleury. Each of them in their own way--along with every man who came forward to press charges against Jerry Sandusky, the Boy Scouts, the Catholic Church, Yeshiva University, Syracuse University—and every man who appeared with me on Oprah’s 200 Men episodes-have really helped turn the tide to make breaking the silence at least a little easier. With all that said, it may be terrifying or at least a bit scary for a male survivor to first consider telling his secret. It is helpful to get clear about what your reasons are for telling your story, and to also be aware of the part of you that may believe it is better to keep the story to yourself. In my book, I encourage survivors to make both lists. Take some time to sit with both lists, and be aware that some of the reasons for keeping the secret may be distortions of the real truth, or based n the fears the perpetrators and non-protectors in your life taught you. some co relation between survivors victimized as children then revictimized as adults? What makes child abuse survivors seeming targets for rape and further abuse? Dr. Fradkin: There definitely is a relationship, although I cannot give you statistics. I do remember at the Oprah 200 Men Show when Oprah asked the audience how many of the men had been abused by more than one person, more than half of the audience raised their hands. Most of the Silence Breakers, the men who wrote their stories in Joining Forces, were abused by more than one person. What is important for all male survivors to know is that they have zero responsibility for being abused the first time, and zero responsibility for being re-victimized. Unfortunately, offenders have a keen intuitive sense of which boys and men are vulnerable Spring 2013

In Joining Forces, your readers can learn about what helped the Silence Breakers to choose to break their own silence. They found many benefits, including that their worst expectations did not happen, and instead, they were rewarded with support, compassion and offered avenues for help and healing. Jarrod described it as “the most freeing experience of my life.” Bruce described how telling his story helped him find “a massive amount of strength.” Chris described how “the power the perpetrator once had over me is now becoming rightfully mine.” One of the most important aspects of telling your story is identifying who are safe enough people to share it with. In Joining Forces, in Chapter 3 on Trust, I share an exercise to help the reader determine what behaviors he engages in and what behaviors his friends and support people engage in which might be described as “red light, yellow light, and green light” behaviors. Distinguishing these behaviors will absolutely help a survivor to determine who may be safe enough. OUTSPOKEN: Many survivors are not able to afford the help they need, or they have other reasons they are not ready to seek professional help. Joining Forces, to me is like affordable therapy in a book. In the book you teach us how there are different ways of connecting with our inner child. Prior to trying the non-dominant hand exercise, I admit I felt silly. But, I did it because I wanted to see if it works. Iwww.outspokenmagazine.org was surprised to find that I was

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actually able to connect with my little girl and more surprised to find that I did love her and wanted to take care of her. Dr. Fradkin: Fantastic! I imagine your little girl now feels much safer knowing you are there for her. This exercise of writing back and forth with your dominant and non-dominant hand to your inner child is powerful for many reasons. For your inner child, it can be the difference between staying isolated and alone, and feeling safe and protected. For your adult self, you may discover there is a door that has opened that previously was closed off because your inner child felt unsafe to leave his or her protected world. Now you can help him or her to feel protected in a much healthier way. As I discuss in the book, this technique can also lead you onto a path where you may discover some very painful memories, as you’ll read about with Tom and Tommy. I often tell my clients, you have already survived the painful past; you can survive remembering, talking about it and healing from it, even though it will be uncomfortable. OUTSPOKEN: So Doctor Fradkin, does our little inner child ever grow up? Even for persons who were not abused in childhood, is the inner child ever expected to grow up? Dr. Fradkin: I like to think about it as your inner child becomes integrated into your adult life. By that, I mean that the adult learns how to be playful as an adult, how to be spontaneous, how to laugh and how to have real joy. For those who were abused as children, as you establish a connection with your inner child, you are enabling and empowering him or her to grow up and join the adult you. If you were not abused in childhood, but in adulthood, your inner child can help you access your spontaneity, as often it gets lost in the painful realities of adult rape. OUTSPOKEN: Malesurvivor.org is overflowing with a wealth of information for survivors, including chat rooms. Tell the readers about the functions and benefits of visiting these chat rooms for male survivors of abuse? Dr. Fradkin: The title of my book says it all. Healing is about joining forces with others so you can leave your isolation behind you. What you will find when you visit malesurvivor.org is a community of men and women who are willing and able to offer a variety of help, whether you are a male survivor, an ally or family member, or a psychotherapist or healing professional. Because there are still many areas of the country where adequate healing resources for male survivors are not yet available, having a presence online allows MaleSurvivor to bring resources directly to many men who might otherwise not get the help they need and deserve. The site is easily navigated, so you can find support with a therapist or a support group. You can read what others have written and share your questions, concerns and your story on our various bulletin board discussion groups. These discussion forums are Spring 2013

a moderated, safe community dedicated to helping survivors in their healing journeys. In addition we have forums specifically for parts of the community, such as survivors of Military Sexual Trauma, Gay/Bi/Trans survivors, and Survivors of Abuse experienced as Adults. You can join an online-moderated chat room where you might choose to just listen, or participate to your own level of comfort. We also offer peer-moderated support groups in the chat room called “Healing Circles” where male survivors from all over the world can meet together. The site also features a fantastic resource directory to find other organizations that also could be helpful to you in your healing. We have a bookstore, and a library filled with articles to inspire and educate you. There is information on the site about the Weekends of Recovery program that I co-chair, which is an opportunity to spend a life-changing weekend with 27 other survivors, and 8 very experienced psychotherapists. OUTSPOKEN: Joining Forces is so well organized. It touches on just about every aspect of the recovery journey making it an excellent starting point or ongoing guide to healing. From the practical exercises, to the silence breakers input and that of their partners, to the inclusion of other professionals and their expertise, material and websites of allies, to ample note pages. Seriously, I was excited about having enough pages to make notes right there in the book! You couldn’t have named this book anything other because I see how you have unselfishly provided a wellrounded supply of available resources for us to tap into and you have shown how important the community of survivors is to healing. Dr. Fradkin: Thank you so much! Joining Forces was a labor of love and passion. It is a result of a lot of collaboration of our team of facilitators who lead the Weekends of Recovery, and is filled with much wisdom we have learned over the past 10 years organizing and leading the weekends. I am especially grateful to my Co-Chair, Jim Struve, for all his support and wisdom. Just as I encourage each survivor to join forces with others, this book was only possible with my own joining of forces with those around me who provide me incredible love and support. I was graced to have the gifts of the Silence Breakers and a number of their partners, who trusted me with their words and their vulnerability and their secrets. I was also blessed with being chosen by Hay House to publish the book, whose President/CEO and editorial staff were incredibly supportive throughout the process. Glad the note pages are so helpful-I love that feature too! OUTSPOKEN: The passion definitely shines through. What was your dream for those who would read Joining Forces? Dr. Fradkin: I had many dreams. I wanted to make healing and all of my wisdom from 30 years of clinical experience and the wisdom we have learned at the Weekends of Recovery accessible to every male survivor possible throughout the planet. I know so many men are wounded and feeling hopeless; my dream is to bring healing and hope to every man who needs it, and help him know there is a whole community of men and women willing and ready to help him take the steps necessary to heal. Each chapter title in my book starts with “dare to dream”: I am daring to dream that everyone who reads the book will be able to see the results of their own dreaming, and we’ll truly have many, many more male survivors and their allies who are finding the courage and strength to speak their truth, so that it will be impossible for society to keep minimizing the fact that men are wounded, men can heal, and male survivors can be powerful and valuable members of society. I also dreamed that the Silence Breakers would be empowered to thrive even more in their own lives by their willingness to share so much. I also dreamed that the book would inspire many more men to choose to attend our MaleSurvivor Weekends of Recovery. www.outspokenmagazine.org

Speaking Tall

OUTSPOKEN: OK. So I’m reading the foreword to Joining Forces and find myself doing the ‘ugly cry’ because though I’m female I was able to enter Tyler’s space and empathize as a fellow survivor. How did you know he would have been the perfect person to write the foreword? Dr. Fradkin: Winsome, the truth is as many times as I have read the Foreword, I still cry. I’d rather you call your cry the “beautiful cry” though, because every tear we cry validates our worth. Tyler and I had a special connection while I was at Oprah. He reached out to me after the show, and he has been incredibly generous and supportive throughout this process. Because Tyler is such a humble man, a spiritual man, an outrageously funny and creative man, and a man with such deep integrity and courage, I dared to dream he would say yes, and thank God he did! His Foreword is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. OUTSPOKEN: OK, the beautiful cry. Actually, that makes even more sense since my name literally means beautiful. :) Dr. Fradkin, you have been summoned as an expert on Oprah, Dr. Phil, & Katie. You have helped thousands of male survivors, done numerous conferences, Weekends of Recovery, radio shows, other events, Affirmations and now OUTSPOKEN Magazine. What drives you to do this work so tirelessly? Dr. Fradkin: I feel called to do this work by my Higher Power. I feel blessed to do this work because I have been given the opportunity to make so many incredible and lasting connections with some of the most courageous and loving men and women walking the planet. I receive bountiful rewards for this work, as I witness and walk with survivors in some of the most tender and painful moments of their lives, and then moments later, we are filled with joy and laughter that is just as real. My strong desire to continue my own healing also propels me forward as well, and always has, as I know how extremely important it is for me to be as open and grounded as I can be each hour I spend doing this work. OUTSPOKEN: What is the purpose of Affirmations? Dr. Fradkin: Affirmations is a multi-disciplinary private practice I founded with some colleagues back in 1984. Our goal from the start was to be a welcoming and affirming place for anyone who had experienced discrimination, abuse, rejection and judgment. From the start, I ended each session offering a client an affirmation that they could take home and explore in their heart and mind to remind them of the work we had just done. Our goal has been to provide the most effective, grounded, and heart-connected psychotherapy we could with every client we see. We see individuals, couples, families and offer several groups a week as well. Our staff has been heavily involved in supporting charitable organizations in Columbus, and we’ve offered training and community education on a variety of topics. Our specialties include male and female survivors of sexual victimization; chemical dependency, sex addiction and other compulsive behaviors; emotional and health challenges faced by the LGBTQ community; AIDS and HIV and other life-threatening illnesses; parenting issues; and intimacy challenges. We see kids all the way up to the elderly. OUTSPOKEN: As a volunteer for our local crisis hotline, and publisher of OUTSPOKEN, I do hear out of this world stories. But some of the stories I read in Joining Forces are so incredible, I am in awe of the courage of the men who have shared in this book. Men are speaking of being sexually victimized by their own mothers and or fathers in unspeakable ways. Can men truly recover from this kind of trauma and learn to thrive?

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Joining Forces Dr. Fradkin: Absolutely. I believe that even men who have suffered horrendous abuse, torture, and horrendous crimes can indeed recover and learn to thrive. Those who have suffered complex traumas that have involved a long history of multiple abusers will be more challenged, AND still with enough support, with enough effective psychotherapy, healing can and will be possible. As I describe in chapter Fifteen, thriving may at first be only 5-10% of the day; as a man heals, and finds more hope, and can learn to be loyal to functionality more each day, it is absolutely possible to thrive much more. I hope everyone gets a chance to read the stories of the thriving Silence Breakers, and discover how much more free they feel today as a result of doing the hard work of recovery. OUTSPOKEN: You teach survivors to be disloyal to dysfunction and loyal to functionality in coping with the trauma of abuse? How does this help us? Dr. Fradkin: This is my mantra; I believe it is at the core of healing. If you are loyal to dysfunction, it means that you learned to separate from the man or woman you were meant to be when you were born: a lovable, worthwhile person. You can tell you are operating in a dysfunctional way if you feel unworthy, not good enough, or ashamed of yourself. Abused men and women-boys and girls- are taught to be loyal to the people who perpetrate against them, because often these are people they have trusted and often cared about and loved. For example, when a perpetrator says in the midst of abuse, I care about you, it is natural for a survivor to believe them, even though they are being hurt in the moment by the perpetrator. Functionality is defined as a set of behaviors that can help you cope with the stresses of life, help you overcome the effects of your abuse, and help lead you to not only survive, but also actually heal and thrive in your life. When you are loyal to functionality, anytime you are tempted to act or think in a dysfunctional way, you can challenge your beliefs and affirm your ability to make healthier choices that will empower you. I want to say too that becoming loyal to functionality is a process; and it is much more than simply a cognitive exercise. We store those dysfunctional messages in our bodies, our minds and our spirits, so I believe there are a number of approaches from traditional psychotherapy to mind-body approaches to self-defense which can help in the process.

OUTSPOKEN: Again the book is so thorough! I’m glad you included help for the partners, families, supporters of survivors, for in this I’ve discovered the term ‘vicarious traumatization.’ As I understand it, this means that hearing a survivor story can be almost as traumatic for the loved one. In reading this, it occurred to me that it’s possible that so many people find it difficult to talk about or get involved in supporting survivors because it is actually painful for them to hear it as well. But we do need to keep addressing it to stop it, right? Dr. Fradkin: Absolutely, we as a society need to keep creating environments where speaking the truth is seen as strength, as a courageous act, and a necessary part of healing, no matter how painful and scary and uncomfortable it is, both for the survivor and those hearing the story. I felt very strongly that I needed to include a chapter for partners, families

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Speaking Tall

DR. HOWARD FRADKIN & DR. PHIL

and supporters because they face their own challenges. I was blessed with the stories and wisdom shared by the partners of a number of the Silence Breakers, who shared both their victories and their struggles. You are correct in your understanding of vicarious traumatization. It is a term that was first used to help psychotherapists understand how they are changed by choosing to do this work of supporting survivors to heal. I remember when I first went to a workshop, and the very first thing they taught us is that as therapists in this field, vicarious traumatization is inevitable. What they meant is that we would be forever changed, both in very powerful and healthy ways, and also that we had to be aware that there are many risks in doing this work too. Thankfully, they taught us techniques about how to care for ourselves, and that is the most important message in the chapter for family members: You must also take care of yourself, and not simply attend to your partnerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s needs.

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OUTSPOKEN: The core message of my work is raising awareness that child abuse does not end in childhood; but the effects are often lifelong. What is the detriment to our communities on the whole of not dealing with the after effects of childhood trauma on adults? Dr. Fradkin: Tragically, we have lost some beautiful men and women who did not get the help they needed, and ended their lives. That is the worst loss to our society. But beyond suicide, the wounding of survivors can lead to a lifetime of depression, anxiety, impaired relationships, impaired functionality at work, sexual orientation confusion, insecurity about masculinity, addictions, compulsive behaviorsâ&#x20AC;ŚIF the survivor does not get the help and support they need and deserve. I have worked with so many men who would have been great teachers, coaches, and parents, but were afraid to because they believed the myth that any man who is abused will go on to abuse others. This is true in a small number of cases, and in these cases, this is of

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Speaking Tall

SUGAR RAY LEONARD

JOINING FORCES COND'T course another tragic and real cost to society, as the violence done to a survivor is then re-enacted and others are victimized unnecessarily. One of the main costs of not dealing with childhood trauma and adult trauma as well is that survivors are often so hard on themselves; they live with immense amounts of shame that causes them to isolate and act in self-defeating ways that creates waves of dysfunction that impacts every person in their lives. OUTSPOKEN: I want everyone to read Chapter 12: Dare To Dream you can forgive yourself and others. What do we survivors have to forgive ourselves for? Dr. Fradkin: In Chapter 12, I talk about the most important person you have to forgive as a survivor is yourself. This may sound very confusing, as I emphatically said above and often in Joining Forces that a survivor has zero responsibility for being abused. The problem is that many survivors carry around guilt and shame and blame themselves for what was done to them, or blame themselves for not having stopped it, or for going back for more, or for not seeking help or telling anyone. All these aspects of self-blame are what I believe a survivor needs to forgive themselves for. Self-forgiveness is the process of speaking your own truth, and knowing inside that abuse is never the fault of a victim; every man who wants to heal can benefit from forgiving himself for the blame he accepted, which actually belongs instead to the perpetrator who violated his trust and body. The most important way to forgive is to live life being as loyal to functionality as possible, speaking oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s truth freely and without shame, and believing deep inside you are worthy of joining forces with a community of men and women who support you and love you.

The former boxer Sugar Ray Leonard wrote of being sexually molested by a coach.

OUTSPOKEN: I like the way one silence breaker puts it. He said he will forgive on his own schedule. Is this process not different for every survivor and is it absolutely necessary for survivors to do? Dr. Fradkin: It is absolutely necessary when the time is right to forgive yourself. Forgiving others is a very complicated subject, and thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s why I devoted a whole chapter to it, so that survivors could explore their own blocks to forgiveness. It is no doubt the one topic I could guarantee would create the most disagreement in any group of survivors, as people feel very strongly about whether it is helpful or hurtful.

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Speaking Tall

What I would say is that each survivor, on his or her own schedule, could benefit from exploring if forgiving the perpetrators and non-protectors in their life could be of benefit. I know personally and professionally that it takes a great deal of energy to hold on to anger and resentment. There are definitely benefits to forgiveness. One really important idea I tell clients often is that the healing power of forgiveness must always be in the hands of the survivor. By this I mean that we cannot afford to let our own recovery be based on whether a perpetrator is ever able to accept any or all responsibility for their damaging behavior.

OUTSPOKEN: I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t realize that there were so few black/ minority men compared to whites coming forward with abuse reports. What are you finding is the reason for that and how do we change it? Dr. Fradkin: Any community in which the expectations for men are that they should be strong, independent and powerful is a community where it will be much more difficult for men to risk speaking their truth, because the fear of being further shamed and re-victimized is great. Unfortunately, in communities of color, these stereotypical role expectations are strongly believed.

WEEKEND OF RECOVERY

OUTSPOKEN: I could go on about this book for a year and still only get to half of it. There is so much surprising and helpful information contained therein. In chapter 12. For example, as you discussed reasons for confronting our abusers, did you say we could ask the abuser for financial help for counseling? Dr. Fradkin: You can ask for whatever you want, and certainly, given the damage done, it would be a very reasonable request. What I want survivors to understand is that just because you ask doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t mean it will be granted. Anytime you choose to confront an abuser, you must be prepared for a barrage of denial, further victimization, and outright cruelty. There are abusers who will accept responsibility, such as the Catholic Church has done in some cases. But even there, they have promised help, and then sometimes made survivors and their therapists jump through many unnecessary hoops to actually get the professional help they need.

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What is helping already is all the men of color who have courageously come forward. Tyler Perry led the way for Sugar Ray Leonard and Keyon Dooling, for example. All three of them by being well-known and well-respected, strong, inspirational and spiritual men, have created a pathway for other men like them to also find courage. Alexander, who is one of the Silence Breakers, talks in the book about his experience at Oprah, and how it changed him. We have a diverse community of men from various backgrounds who are on our board, who speak at our conferences, and who attend our Weekends of Recovery. Those of us who have had the good fortune to access resources and support have much responsibility to help any survivor who is struggling to survive to be able to feel free to speak their truth and get help. We have to create bridges and reach out and help men of color know they face many of the same struggles all survivors face, and that we will be there to offer them help and support, without judgment.

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Speaking Tall

Indeed, by providing these bridges with any survivor who is different than ourselves, we further our own healing too. For instance, for the Weekends of Recovery, we have established a men of color scholarship fund to make it financially possible to attend a weekend. OUTSPOKEN: Another thing I learned from the book is that sexual molestation is not a sexual experience; it is a violation. That was empowering! Dr. Fradkin: I encourage survivors to listen carefully to the words they use to describe the acts done to them. I use the example of men who say, “I had sex with my mother...or my coach…or my uncle…” That is a lie: sex is a consensual act engaged in by two people capable of giving consent. Another related statement is “it happened to me when I was…”. Again, molestation is a choice a person with power and authority over a victim makes to hurt them and betray them. Hurricanes and tsunamis happen; not sexual victimization of any kind.

OUTSPOKEN: Wow! I cannot emphasize enough how grateful I am that you have given us of your time and expertise. You have certainly touched my life as you have touched and will continue to touch thousands around the world. May God continue to Bless and Prosper you in doing the work He has purposed for you to do. Thank you for giving the community of survivors and our allies, Joining Forces, which apparently, not only empowers male survivors but females as well. Thank You. Dr. Fradkin: Thank you for this incredible honor and gift. I offer you Blessings in return, knowing that the more of us there are doing this work, the more the world can heal. And to each of you who has joined us in this conversation, thank you, and I hope you will find the healing and support you deserve.

OUTSPOKEN: Dr. Fradkin, as a female survivor of abuse, I want you to know that you are a major encounter on my personal healing journey. One of the most important things you are doing is actually validating my walk, my work, my passion. You represent hope for me to continue reaching multitudes of survivors and with this book, Joining Forces, you have provided another tool for me to use in doing that. Dr. Fradkin: I am honored, Winsome, to be walking with you, and deeply appreciate your trust; and honor all you are doing to passionately pursue the goal of reaching multitudes. I look forward to joining forces with you! OUTSPOKEN: I’ve personalized some of the questions because I want readers to connect with me as a real life survivor. I hope I’m speaking for them, for us and getting questions answered on behalf of all of us. As one of your silence breakers said, too many survivors have never seen the face of another survivor. Dr. Fradkin: Yes, I have found repeatedly in my work that survivors live in isolation, and believe that living that way is protective. The problem is it keeps them separated from healing energy that could empower them to move forward and learn to thrive. I truly believe that healing is best done in community, by joining forces especially with other survivors, and with anyone who will provide support and understanding. OUTSPOKEN: You speak to us about the rewards of going public with our stories. In November 2008, I actually completed my memoire, titled: OUTSPOKEN: How the secrets I never told until now almost destroyed me. My book tells of the countless dysfunctional, self-destructive methods I unknowingly used to survive. It’s yet unpublished. Although, I speak on occasion and I’ve published bits of my own story, I am only now ready to go the next step and publish the book. So yes, Joining Forces does empower. It not only addresses the problem of abuse, it doesn’t simply explore the problem. It provides accessible self help tools that do work to take survivors to greater dimensions of self-awareness and power to heal. Dr. Fradkin: I am excited you feel ready to make your story known to the world, and I look forward to the day when I can read your book too. Each time a survivor dares to dream that she or he could take the risk to be public, they are in most cases met with incredible support, and report they can thrive even more in their lives with the burden of shame lifted. As I say in the book, I am not advocating that every survivor should be public; however, I know that the Silence Breakers have reported how empowered they have been with Joining Forces being published.

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AN INVITATION TO HEAL

an invitation to heal: ASK DR. FRADKIN We are proud to have sexual abuse recovery expert, Dr. Howard Fradkin, join forces with OUTSPOKEN Magazine in his column: Dare to Ask. Males or females, who were sexually abused in childhood are welcome to ask any questions regarding healing, where to find help, therapies, processing feelings, etc. If you have a question for Doctor Fradkin, please submit to walexander@outspokenmagazine.org

Dr. Charles Whitfield writes that child abuse is a root cause for many cases of mental illness. Where do the lines between mental illness and the effects of trauma intersect? And how are they treated: jointly or separately? Dr. Fradkin: There are certainly many causes to mental illness, and indeed, childhood abuse of all types can directly cause some forms of mental illness. It is also true that if a person does not have adequate resources to cope with and manage their abuse, they can then develop mental illnesses. Not everyone who is sexually abused is traumatized by the behavior of the offender, but many are. Those symptoms vary tremendously, but can include Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and complex psychological trauma. We are also learning much more about the neurobiology of trauma, and that our brain is changed by trauma, leading to later psychological challenges. Basically, when traumatized, we get stuck in our â&#x20AC;&#x153;survival brainâ&#x20AC;? which knows few avenues for survival except fight, flight or freeze. Treatment for trauma and mental illness must be done concurrently, and it takes a skilled psychotherapist to do a careful assessment to help determine what is needed to address both any existing mental illness and to also address the consequences of abuse and experienced trauma. One important aspect of treating a man or woman with trauma is to help them to understand the impact of the trauma on their lives, and especially to help them understand that many of their symptoms and reactions are quite normal given the wounding. Unfortunately, sometimes people get labeled with mental illnesses when a better understanding of their process is that they are behaving in the ways they learned to cope with the abuse done to them. Unless a client feels safe enough with the therapist, and unless the therapist asks the right questions at the right time in therapy, the history of abuse and trauma may not get dealt with in therapy. At the same time, I encourage survivors to seek out experienced therapists whenever possible. www.malesurvivor.org has a great link for getting help), and to remember that it will be important to share your history in order for your therapist to best understand your current life and difficulties.

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DR. HOWARD FRADKIN

HIS STORY Dr. Fradkin was invited to speak as an expert on Oprah Winfrey's historic two shows featuring 200 male survivors gathered together to offer hope and inspiration for the millions of survivors around the world in October, 2010. Since then, he has also appeared on Dr. Phil, Gayle King, NPR, and various local media stations. Dr. Fradkin is the co-founder of Affirmations: A Center for Psychotherapy and Growth, in Columbus, OH. His expertise includes trauma recovery for men and women survivors, those struggling with depression and anxiety, alcoholism, drug addiction and sex addiction, sexual orientation confusion and acceptance, people with HIV and AIDS, and group psychotherapy. Dr. Fradkin was one of the founding board members of MaleSurvivor, and currently serves as an Advisory Board Member. In 2010, Dr. Fradkin delivered the keynote address at the International MaleSurvivor Conference in New York City. He also served as President of MaleSurvivor and served on the Board of Directors for 6 years prior to developing the Weekends of Recovery program. He is the recipient along with the MaleSurvivor Weekends of Recovery Facilitator team of the Faye Honey Knopp award by MaleSurvivor, the highest award given to recognize outstanding service in the field. Joining Forces: Empowering Male Survivors to Thrive is his first book, and he is excited to share his wisdom, the wisdom of the alumni of the Weekends, and our facilitator team, for all survivors, their allies, families and the healing community. www.outspokenmagazine.org

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MENTAL ILLNESS DISCRIMINATION AWARENESS

An Appeal For Understanding

ASIA JOHNSON As we live in this seemingly unfair world people with mental illnesses are sometimes looked down on. They are teased as if they are not human. We, the healthy should not look down on the mentally ill; instead, we are to help them if we can. We must be especially understanding and careful of our choice of words towards the mentally ill. Words such as lazy, cuckoo, psycho, and wacko are mean spirited, belittling and offensive. We can all help to change the way society thinks about mental illness and we must each start with examining our own response. We should realize that we are no better than the mentally ill and it could happen to any one of us. Considering this, use kind and sensitive words towards those who are mentally unwell. Let us turn from shunning the mentally ill. Let us refrain from discriminating against then and try to accept them as a necessary part to this beautiful world we all share. Asia Johnson

Spring 2013

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HEALTH & WELLNESS

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH 3Angry, irritable, hostile moods and overly confrontational attitudes

3Restlessness, mood swings 3Social anxieties, excessive shyness 3Inability to maintain a job

Some things when they fall shatter and seem beyond repair, while others seem to brace the fall but invisibly they are impaired. A heart can see another’s fall and then itself break in two, but tears like glistening diamonds will fall and make it new. God bless the heart that is broken for another’s pain it has truly felt and seen, but God help the heart that will not break for it is surely broken indeed

3Obsessive compulsive habits 3Thinking you could die rather than hurt so much

DON'T NEGLECT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

3Hurting yourself or attempting to

3Poor decisions, clutter 3Sleeping too much or insomnia

3Chronic fatigue, lethargy

Signs You Might Need to Check Your Mental Health

Abuse does not end in childhood: Adult survivors of child abuse face daily challenges of coping with the effects of trauma suffered in childhood. Mental issues in adults often result from childhood abuse

3Sexual indiscretions or inability to enjoy sex

3No interest in hobbies Inexplicable body aches and pains

3Inability to concentrate 3Neglecting hygiene 3Racing thoughts, panic attacks

3Inability to complete tasks

GET AN ANNUAL MENTAL HEALTH CHECK UP In many cases, you might not necessarily be mentally unfit. You might just need some professional support in reorganizing your thoughts and goals. A qualified clinician can help you make that determination.

started

3Chronic homelessness or frequent moving, wanderings 3Overspending, shoplifting 3Fear of being alone 3Other fears that interfere with daily life and activities 3Eating too little or too much Spring 2013

PHYSICAL WELLNESS ONLY FOLLOWS MENTAL WELLNESS Feeling tired and drained all the time? Emotional issues affecting your work or relationships? Seeking a mental health assessment might be the bravest thing you’ll ever do. Don’t hesitate to get help if you think you need it. Contact your doctor to discuss your symptoms! Only a qualified physician can diagnose a mental illness. www.outspokenmagazine.org

HEALTH & WELLNESS

Resource: Dr. Charles Whitfield According to Dr. Charles Whitfield, bestselling author of Healing The Child Within, The Truth About Depression and The Truth About Mental Illness, it is rare that one who has major psychological or psychiatric illness grew up in a healthy family. Dr. Whitfield brings to our attention the connection between childhood abuse and neglect and adult behavioral problems. In his book, The truth About Depression (page 18) the doctor states that chronic childhood trauma also fragments the overall functioning, causing significant difficulty focusing, learning and relating to others. On page 93, he writes: By understanding that childhood trauma is the base cause of some mental illnesses, their prevention become a reasonable possibility. We can prevent some mental disorders by not abusing our children. Dr. Whitfieldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s books can be found wherever books are sold.

HEALTH & WELLNESS

Some of our readers like to combine Christian counseling with other therapies. It is our pleasure to provide this method of healing to those who can reap the benefits of it. Let us know if you or someone you know is a Christian counselor and would like to be listed in our resource directory.

Stages A. The alarm reaction known as

How people cope with stress

fight or flight. The body goes into a state of wanting and reacting to fight or run.

A. Many people escape through shopping, TV, alcohol or tranquilizers.

B. The defense reaction known

B. Others block out reality and deny the negative thoughts and consequences.

as resistance occurs when the stress remains.

C. Some attempt to alter the environment like changing jobs

C. Emotional and physical

D. Some use exercise, hobbies, relaxation techniques, or prayer

body begins to fail.

E. The last way is to alter those beliefs and attitudes that make us more

exhaustion reaction is when the

Causes A. An unbalanced diet or

unhealthy relationship with God, yourself or others

B. Pressure from outside circumstances

C. Harmful physical environment

vulnerable to stress.

Practical Application A.. Know your limits. Accept those things you cannot change and change the things within your control.

B.. Share your stress with God and others. C.. Take care of yourself with enough sleep and a healthy diet and supplementation. D.. Make time for fun.

Meditation Scriptures

Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: everywhere and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. (Phil 4:11-13) KJV) Be anxious for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be known unto Godâ&#x20AC;Ś. (continue reading) Phillippians 4: 6-8

HEALTH & WELLNESS

stress Symptometer This material is intended to provide the reader with information and educational purposes only and is not meant to diagnose or treat any conditions. Only a qualified technician can diagnose or treat stress related diseases, mental or medical ailments. Please see your physician or a qualified counselor if you are experiencing problems.

Indicate how strongly you agree with each of the following statements on a scale from 0-3: 0 = NEVER

1 = SOMETIMES

2 = OFTEN

3 = ALWAYS

_______Trouble relaxing ________Frustrated easily ________Feel tense ________Constantly worried about something ________Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep ________I feel grief or loss in life ________Exhausted by daily demands ________I never feel caught up ________I feel lonely and unloved ________I am embarrassed to ask for help ________I feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities ________Apprehensive about the future ________Tension headaches ________Chronic fatigue ________Moody ________Dark circles under eyes ________Find it hard to concentrate ________Irritable ________Indigestion ________Constipation or loose stools ________Decision-making is difficult ________Increased daydreaming ________Mistrust of friends and family ________Frequent colds ________Frequent angry outbursts ________Excessive drinking, smoking, or eating ________I feel things are beyond my control ________I feel pressured by my commitments ________I feel like running away ________Mind is always thinking and busy ________TOTAL

SCORING: 68 - 99 46 - 67 23 - 45 0-22

High Stress Moderate stress Mild stress Not significant Please see your doctor or counselor if you are experiencing stress related problems.

Adapted from Advanced Christian Counseling, International Institute of Faith Based Counseling. Copyright Bill Yeary 2000. This article may not be reproduced in any way. Unauthorized use is strictly prohibited.

TALK OF THE TOWN

ONE

BILLION RISING

REACHES THE

CITY OF JOY, CONGO

International Criminal Court Prosecutor Fatou Bensouda and Eve joined forces on International Women’s Day to escalate the fight to end impunity for perpetrators of gender crimes through combined efforts of advocacy and accountability, action and justice. “We have chosen to come together to call on courts, governments, legal bodies to end impunity and hold perpetrators accountable. We are asking you to join us and rise to end impunity.” - Prosecutor Bensouda and Eve Ensler. To coincide with this call to action, we are urging activists to find and highlight examples of injustice and impunity in your community and begin to put pressure where it counts. Hold perpetrators accountable wherever they are. “We have seen the power of one billion women and men breaking the silence, rising, healing trauma through dance and outrage, building global solidarity and energy, and rising on a scale never before seen. Next we must rise against impunity,” stated Ensler. “The investigation and prosecution of gender based crimes must be made a priority. Victims given a voice, their own voice to tell their stories and perpetrators must not go unpunished. Together we can send a clear, strong and consistent message that the use of violence against women as a tool in war is no longer acceptable,” said Prosecutor Bensouda.

Eve Ensler has been in Bukavu, Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) for the last month. Visit the V-day website where she shares with you all her experiences with the women at City of Joy, life on the V-World farm, and how she ROSE with women and girls of Congo on 14 February.

One Billion Rising is the largest global action in history to end violence against women and girls. The day of action took place on 14 February 2013 and continues on in action throughout communities worldwide. One Billion Rising has mobilized over a billion people worldwide, inspiring women and men in 207 countries to come together and express their outrage, and to strike, dance and RISE against violence. “We did it! Together on 14 February, we expressed our outrage and joy and our firm global call for a world where women are free and safe and cherished and equal,” stated V-Day Founder and award winning playwright Eve Ensler.

Though the One Billion Rising global day of action is over, the campaign was always conceived to be a catalyst and a wind to fuel local activities and initiatives around the world to end violence against women and girls. We encourage everyone to continue rising with the women and men in your community for your own special causes. Whether it’s for domestic violence, rape, FGM or any other violence that women experience around the world, keep dancing and continue in the one billion rising spirit with flash mobs, rallies and fundraisers.

One Billion Rising shook the world on 14 February and we’ve been celebrating the many victories activists achieved that day and in the ensuing weeks. We want to continue this momentum and use the power of One Billion Rising to continue our victories toward ending violence against women, but One Billion Rising was always conceived to be a catalyst and a wind rather than a new organization or an annual holiday. Harness the power of your activism now because we’re not waiting for 14 February, 2014.

UNSPEAKABLE THINGS

a note aboutfeminine hygiene Ladies, if you are the product of childhood neglect, chances are, no one taught you how to care for your body. You might not know that you need to shave your pubic area regularly because and especially if you are hairy, sweat and urine will collect in these damp areas, bacteria will multiply and you will begin to smell especially in hot seasons. Then, we ladies need to take baths to soak our intimate areas because frankly, sperm lays in the vagina at least for a few days before natural vaginal secretions clean it. And, sperm mixed with vaginal discharge sweat and urine will stink. Then you have periods that… tell the truth-periods do stink. I know sometimes we can’t change the pads as often as we would like to but we must do our best. I remember when we didn’t dare use more than one pad a day because we simply could not afford it.

Cleansing cloths are perfect to use after a workout, traveling or during your menstrual period. This dermatologist and gynecologist tested product wipes away odor causing bacteria and is pH-balanced. This product is alcohol-free and hypoallergenic.

LET’S START

OUR BEAUTY HABITS FROM WITHIN

Thank God now I can afford some pads and now I know to

with a vaginal or underarm odor and you make time to talk

change them regularly throughout the day even when I am

to them directly about it, have the Summer’s Eve, some

hard at work. We ladies must be vigilant of our feminine

vinegar, baking soda, the shavers and shaving cream ready

hygiene whether we are sexually active or not but, if

to hand to them when you get through talking. Will they be

someone doesn’t tell us, how do we know? If we don’t read

embarrassed? Of course they will, but if you approach their

it in a book or hear it somewhere how do we know? So I

problem with a spirit of genuinely wanting to help, they will

see my little sister always bathing and shaving and I see my

receive the help well. I have never had a young person I had

friends always taking baths and spraying and doing tricks to

to counsel about hygiene get mad at me no matter what I

keep themselves clean and then I learned that these habits I

had to counsel them on. They have all been grateful. Finally,

copied from more aware females do make a difference. I am

don’t sit around talking about a person with hygiene issues;

aware that some of us are very prone to yeast or bacterial

this is wicked! and for God’s sake when you help, don’t go

infections and so we must be careful with douching and

talking their business to others. Don’t forget you have some

baths, but we can research how to safely practice these

problems of your own as well.

routine hygiene necessities. Personally, I avoid commercial bath salts and soaps and use natural remedies such as table salt, baking soda, vinegar and hydrogen peroxide in my bathwater. Still, I find that the Summer’s Eve feminine wash works great for cleaning the exterior vaginal area. It is soap free and fragrance free. I recently got the supermarket brand of this feminine wash which costs even less. If you notice a young person or an older one for that matter, who seems to need help with hygiene issues; be kind but be direct. It is not enough to beat around the bush with a story. Tell them directly that they have a problem and tell them how to take care of it and if possible bring them the item you

Did you know?

normal vaginal pH is

3.5-4.5

think might help. For example, let’s say you notice someone

While bathing, do wash your private parts carefully. Use feminine washes available these days in the market. The ingredients in it maintain the Ph of the private parts. Now who would have guessed that we need to control the Ph even in areas we wouldn’t think of otherwise. It keeps bacterial growth in check and keeps the acid-alkaline balance. Now please chuck the anti bacterial soaps we have been using, they dry out the area and can cause harm.

CHILD ABUSE EDUCATIONIT’S NOT ONLY

SEXUAL

Children are suffering from a hidden epidemic of child abuse and neglect. Every year 3.3 million reports of child abuse are made in the United States involving nearly 6 million children (a report can include multiple children).

Although there are many formal and acceptable definitions of child abuse, the following is offered as a guide for information on child abuse and neglect. Child abuse consists of any act of commission or omission that endangers or impairs a child’s

physical or emotional health and development. Child abuse includes any damage done to a child which cannot be reasonably explained and which is often represented by an injury or series of injuries appearing to be nonaccidental in nature.

FORMS OF ABUSE Physical abuse Any non-accidental injury to a child. This includes hitting, kicking, slapping, shaking, burning, pinching, hair pulling, biting, choking, throwing, shoving, whipping, and paddling. Sexual abuse Any sexual act between an adult and child. This includes fondling, penetration, intercourse, exploitation, pornography, exhibitionism, child prostitution, group sex, oral sex, or forced observation of sexual acts. Neglect Failure to provide for a child’s physical needs. This includes lack of supervision, inappropriate housing or shelter, inadequate provision of food and water, inappropriate clothing for season or weather, abandonment, denial of medical care and inadequate hygiene. Emotional abuse Any attitude or behavior which interferes with a child’s mental health or social development. This includes yelling, screaming, name-calling, shaming, negative comparisons to others, telling them they are “bad, no good, worthless” or “a mistake.” It also includes the failure to provide the affection and support necessary for the development of a child’s emotional, social, physical and intellectual well-being. This includes ignoring, lack of appropriate physical affection (hugs), not saying “I love you,” withdrawal of attention, lack of praise and lack of positive reinforcement.

CALL 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) then push 1 to Talk to a Hotline Counselor OR push 2 to have information mailed to you. The Hotline receives calls from throughout the United States, Canada, the U.S. Virgin Islands, Guam and Puerto Rico. Communication in 170 languages is available through state-of-the-art technology that allows three-way conversations between the Hotline counselor, the caller, and a professional translator.

Spring 2013

Being a parent is one of the most rewarding jobs in the world, but it can be overwhelming at times. Most parents want to do a good job of raising their children. But unlike other jobs where you get special training, most parents are left to do the best they can with what they know from their own experience. There’s no need to feel that you are all alone or that no one cares. The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is always here to help you.

HELP FOR PARENTSAND CAREGIVERS

The Hotline is staffed by degreed, professional counselors who are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. All calls are anonymous and toll-free. www.outspokenmagazine.org

3 F’S OF SUCCESSFUL PARENTING Firm: Consequences should be clearly stated and then adhered to when the inappropriate behavior occurs. Fair: The punishment should fit the crime. Also in the case of recurring behavior, consequences should be stated in advance so the child knows what to expect. Harsh punishment is not necessary. Using a simple time-out can be effective when it is used consistently every time the behavior occurs. Also, use of reward for a period of time like part of a day or a whole day when no time-outs or maybe only one time-out is received.

Selfish escapes the lips of those who experience her fiercely protecting herself for the first time in her life. It’s an acquired skill. She’s just learned that she has the right to take care of herself but doesn’t quite know how to do it yet without unintentionally locking others out. Silently, she screams, “Don’t you dare touch me!” The wall of defense is up high and thick. She barricades her self behind it and watches from her fortress for impending danger from those who claim to come in the name of love. “Oh no, I will not share this with you for you will not take mine from me!” ‘No one will ever take what’s mine ever again,’ is her determination now. She will soon forget as her compassionate nature feeds from selfdestructive habits where she continues hurting herself because the thought of hurting someone else’s pride is unbearable. Where did she learn so much guilt from saying no.? Spring 2013

Friendly: Use a friendly but firm communication style when letting children know they have behaved inappropriately and let them know they will receive the “agreed upon: consequence. Encourage them to try to remember what they should do instead to avoid future consequences. Work at “catching them being good” and praise them for appropriate behavior.

SCARS OFCHILD

ABUSE www.outspokenmagazine.org

REPORT ABUSE

The Parent as Teacher/Coach See your role as that of a teacher or coach to your children. Demonstrate in detail how you would like them to behave. Try to set aside time on a regular basis to do something fun with your children. Rather than tell them what not to do, teach and show them what they should do. Use descriptive praise when they do something well. Say, “I like how you ____when you ____.” Be specific. Help your child learn to express how he/she feels. Say, “You seem frustrated,” “How are you feeling?” “Are you upset?” “You look like you are angry about that.” “It’s OK to feel that way.”

The United States has the worst record in the industrialized nation – losing five children every day due to abuserelated deaths. Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) is dedicated to the prevention of child abuse. Serving the United States, its territories, and Canada, the Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with professional crisis counselors who, through interpreters, can provide assistance in 170 languages. The Hotline offers crisis intervention, information, literature, and referrals to thousands of emergency, social service, and support resources. All calls are anonymous and confidential. These calls come from children at risk for abuse, distressed parents seeking crisis intervention and concerned individuals who suspect that child abuse may be occurring. The Hotline is also a valuable resource for those who are mandated by law to report suspected abuse, such as school personnel, medical and mental health professionals and police and fire investigators.

What to expect when calling the Hotline When calling 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453), a qualified crisis counselor will answer and assist you, if you: * Need help and want to talk to a counselor. * Are in physical or emotional crisis and need support and encouragement * Connect you to the best possible resources in your area.

Try to see a situation the way your children to. Listen carefully to them. Try to form a mental picture of how it would look to them.

* Have questions about the signs of child abuse.

Use a soft, confident tone of voice to redirect them when they are upset.

* Have questions about the reporting process and what you might expect through the process.

Be a good listener: Use good eye contact. Physically get down to the level of smaller children. Do not interrupt. Ask open-ended questions rather than questions that can be answered with a yes or no. Repeat back to them what you heard.

* Want to learn about Childhelp programs that will address you or your child’s needs.

Make sure they understand directions. Have them repeat them back. When possible give them choices of when and how to comply with a request. Look for gradual changes in behavior. Don’t expect too much. Praise behavior that is coming closer to the desired goal. Develop a nonverbal sign (gesture) that your children will accept as a signal that they are being inappropriate and need to change their behavior. This helps them to respond to your prompt without getting upset

Spring 2013

* Need to find out how to report known or suspected abuse.

* Want to learn about resources available to parents, grandparents & caregivers. * Need emotional support as survivor of abuse. * Want a referral to an agency, counseling or other services near where you live. * Want literature mailed to you.(Allow two weeks for delivery via the U.S. Postal Service.) * Want information on how to make a donation to Childhelp. Childhelp crisis counselors cannot come to the home where the abuse is happening and take away the child or teen who is in danger of being hurt and put them in a new home. The Childhelp Hotline crisis counselors can’t make the child abuse report for you, but we are here to help you through it. Who do you trust with your child see www.childhelp.org

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6 BUDGET FRIENDLY

VACATIONS

Everyone looks forward to taking some time off and enjoying a nice summer vacation. We have all been working and studying hard throughout the year, and it’s time for a well-deserved break. But what if you’re trying to save money? Or you have debt? While it might seem like an exciting idea to spare no expense on the vacation of your dreams, when the trip follows you home, that’s when reality sets in. That’s why we wanted to give you some fun and affordable summer vacation ideas. Along with planning ahead, and stashing away some extra cash, use these ideas to enjoy a summer trip that won’t break the bank.

Spring 2013

Take A Cruise Try A Staycation A staycation is a much more budget friendly vacation idea, where individuals or families stay at home or nearby and enjoy some local fun. It’s a great way to get out, explore and have a little adventure without spending a ton of money on traveling costs. Some common staycation ideas include; camping in your backyard, having a movie or game night at home, or attending local festivals and exhibits.

Believe it or not, you can save a good chunk of change by booking a cruise, compared to a traditional vacation. The price of the ticket is all inclusive, which means your meals, lodging and entertainment are all wrapped into one discounted price. I’ve been on several cruises, and normally only pay about $250 for the weekend. There’s unlimited access to food, drinks, snacks and all sorts of entertainment – day or night, at no additional cost.

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A LIGHTER NOTE

Book A Weekend Getwaway If you only have a limited amount of time off work, a weekend getaway is the perfect solution. I like to book weekend trips using Groupon Getaways. Of course, you might not have as much control over what deals are available, but that’s the fun part. Many destinations, offer amazing deals for travelers who book at the last minute. Sometimes they offer specials for day spas, family water parks and a cabin on the lake, for 55% or more off the original price.

Step away from the everyday stressors this summer and enjoy a cost effective getaways that are sure to take the edge off.

Extend A Business Trip Most business trips are already paid for by the company, so since you’re already getting a “free” trip, invite your family to come along too. Extend your stay, or have them meet up with you a few days later, to enjoy an inexpensive vacation. My family used to do this while my dad was traveling around the country. At night he would have meetings and seminars, but during the day we all went out and explored the city together.

Take A Short Roadtrip Who doesn’t love a road trip? But with the price of gas climbing higher and higher, it can easily bust your budget. Try a short road trip instead and plan everything ahead of time. Consider staying with friends and family to save money on lodging, or using a mobile app like Priceline to negotiate and compare hotel prices. Utilize other apps like GasBuddy to find the cheapest gas near you and Yelp to locate the nearest coffee shop with free Wi-Fi.

Spring 2013

With all of these options available, you no longer have an excuse not to plan a vacation that’s both budget-friendly and fun! The next time you’re tempted to book a lavish trip, try one of these ideas instead. I promise you will have just as much fun (if not more) and you’ll come home with more cash in your pocket. This article is part of our Budgeting Tips Resource Center. If you’re looking for additional information about budgeting tips, be sure to pay a visit!

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Hello again my friends. It is an honor and a pleasure to meet here with you once more. We have celebrated yet another black history month. It is wonderful to witness the progression society has made. I believe each of you reading this will do your part to help society continue to move in a positive direction. For my first time readers, this column is normally about Fatherhood Matters. I write about how children are affected by not having a father as well as how they are affected by having one. However, in this issue I want to touch on a subject that is rarely addressed, especially amongst the African American community; that is Mental Health. I wonder why we do not focus more on this issue that plagues a lot of adult black males. After evaluating many statistics I came to realize many African American men deal with mental health issues, some not knowing. Mental health issues left untreated can have negative affects on your personal and professional life. Mental health issues ignored affects your children. They see the rage, the mood swings, as well as other symptoms that come with mental illness.

FATHERHOOD MENTAL HEALTH AND MENTAL HEALTH BY MARTIN HENDERSON

Spring 2013

Mental health issues are not a problem when one is taking the necessary regular precautions needed to control the issue. The issue becomes a problem when the male knows he has a problem but leaves it untreated. For instance, many of us know men who were at one time on medication as a youth. However once that boy became a man and left home to venture out on life’s journey he failed to maintain the proper health care that was in place for him as a child. This causes what the medical community calls a “chemical imbalance.” I believe you will agree with me that anything unbalanced is not safe!

" The following statistic was taken from U.S. Surgeon General’s Report on Mental Health: African American men of all ages are more likely to be victims of serious violent crime than are non-Hispanic whites. One study reported that over 25% of African American youth exposed to violence met diagnostic criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). ."

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We all know how difficult it is for any one to get ANY man to go to the doctor. That task becomes much harder when talking exclusively about the African American male. Part of the reason it is hard for men to go to the doctor is Fear another part is Denial then add on the fact that many black males lack insurance or the finances needed to get proper health care. My friends, that right there is enough to weaken the strongest of men. Historical adversity, educational, social and economic resources, translates into the socioeconomic disparities experienced by African Americans today. Socioeconomic status, in turn, is linked to mental health: People who are impoverished, homeless, incarcerated or have substance abuse problems are at higher risk for poor mental health. We must help these people or point them in the direction of someone who can help them. Helping men deal with their mental health issues helps them become better husbands, fathers, sons and better people in general. Once one acknowledges and identifies that he has a problem, then and only then can help be accepted and change occurs. For a lot of men, the root of their mental health issues stem from their childhood. Their childhood not only affects them but how they deal with their own children.

FATHERHOOD MATTERS

This is a despairing statistic that sums up what a lot of African American men has or will experience. Looking at this fact should help some understand the black male and his plight. To my brothers who know you have mental health issues please seek help. Understand that there is someone out here just like you. You have help! You may have to look a little further than some but know that help is out there for you. You were made to live life and live it abundantly. Do not let fear and denial cripple you from seeking help and experiencing the true beauty of life. Those of you who know someone with mental health issues should help them receive the help they need. First and foremost they need your help and support. The support of someone close to you makes a world of a difference. Let us all from this moment forward do our part in educating the African American community on mental health. Share your resources and continue to shower them with love and patience.

The following statistic was taken from U.S. Surgeon Generalâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Report on Mental Health: African American men of all ages are more likely to be victims of serious violent crime than are nonHispanic whites. One study reported that over 25% of African American youth exposed to violence met diagnostic criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Among Vietnam War veterans, 21% of black veterans, compared to 14% of nonHispanic white veterans, suffer from PTSD, apparently because of the greater exposure of blacks to war-zone trauma.

RESOURCES For further info contact:

National Institute of Mental Health www.nimh.nih.gov/health

Association of Black Psychologists www.abpsi.org

Black Psychiatrists of America www.blackpsych.org

Contributing writer, Martin Henderson is the executive director for Fatherhood Matters, Incorporated and author of the book "Fatherhood: A Message to Men". Henderson travels as a motivational speaker educating and inspiring men across the country. For information go to www.fatherhoodmattersinc. com. 1.866.785.8911

MARTIN HENDERSON

Spring 2013

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Sample Text Here

Spring 2013

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Why are we Outspoken?

We believe in truth that will make you free. We bring awareness to the truth of the long term often life long effects of abuse. We believe in placing blame where it rightfully belongs; not for condemnation but for accountability, in effort to break the cycle. We believe that every life has purpose. We believe anyone can accomplish great things with just a little support and we believe we have been called to offer some of that support.

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ASCAR Centers International Inc.