January 2012
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Outspoken Magazine
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A SPECIAL
Happy Valentines Day TO ADULT SURVIVORS OF CHILD ABUSE
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contents Winsome Revelations.......................................................................................................7 Out Speak........................................................................................................................ 10 Tell Your Story.................................................................................................................16 Talk of the Town .............................................................................................................32 Outspoken Youth............................................................................................................ 34 Health & Wellness...........................................................................................................38 Speaking of Gifts.............................................................................................................38 Speaking Tall...................................................................................................................50 Fatherhood Matters.........................................................................................................55
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50
features DOES THE CRIME FIT THE PUNISHMENT
THE CONTROL FREAK
.................................... 14
.................................... 38
A CRIME WITHOUT CONSEQUENCE
REAL MEN REAL FATHERS -WHAT IS ABUSE
.................................... 22
................................... 42
WE WANT OUR LIVES BACK
TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT ABUSE
.................................... 26
.................................... 56
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OUTSPOKEN THE VOICE FOR ADULT SURVIVORS OF CHILD ABUSE Publisher
Winsome Alexander
Senior Photographer Scott Boden
Contributing Photographer Carla Wallace- Lewis
Contributing Writers Martin Henderson Ronald Roseboro
Directory Sales Amber Washington
Artistic Direction Ink Noir Media Lauren WIlliams
stay
connected www.Facebook.com/Outspokenmag @Outspokenmag
A LOT in a little book. *Ever wonder what side of the pro choice/pro life debate aborted babies are on?
www.Outspokenmag.com/rss
*Ever wonder if aborted babies have regrets? *Ever heard a would be mother apologize to her aborted babies? *And domestic violence: What would make a man beat his woman during pregnancy? For any donation to OUTSPOKEN Magazine upwards of $10.00, you can receive this book as a gift from us.
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www.LinkedIn.com/Outspokenmag O utspoken Magazine is published quarterly in both print and digital formats.Advertising contained therein does not constitute endorsement. Signed columns are the opinions of the writers and not necessarily the opinions of the publisher, advertisers, or their agencies. All copy is protected and cannot be reproduced without written permission from the publisher. Copyright 2012
winsome revelations
editor’s address
ORDER, STRUCTURE, POLICIES AND PROCEDURES Yaay Survivors, we made it! We accomplished our 2012 goal, which was simply, to persevere. Now that we have passed the perseverance test, let all things be done decently and in order.(1st Corinthians 14:32). For 2013, establish or reinforce policies and procedures to govern spirit, business, ministry, family and future. Write a vision for every area of your life. Set up rules and regulations paying attention to boundaries which others are not allowed to cross. If you are in business, take time to adapt bylaws and let them be known to partners and members so that all operate on one accord. Sit your family down and share with them the road map so everyone moves in the same direction to achieve the family goal. The objective is to gain mindful control over your affairs, respect for your limits and elimination of needless chaos. Let others know how to handle your interests so you are not operating haphazardly. Without this vigilance, you will miss obvious signs of things crumbling and not understand why when they fall apart.
Photo Credit: Carla Wallace-Louis
Dear survivors, we had a rough start, but truth is, it’s up to us to rewrite our stories. We have managed to come out of hiding, recognizing that our messed up beginnings were not our fault. We have learned that we are not alone, that in fact, there are millions of us now learning to walk in this new freedom. We now know that support is available to help us reclaim our lives. Let us determine then, to use the principles being taught us to structure our lives to manage the successes we were originally meant to enjoy. For those who will; let’s build bones of prosperity in 2013. Let this be a joyful new year of order, structure, policies and procedures.Selah, OUTSPOKEN Magazine is sponsor and donor supported and free to the public. Thank you for helping us increase our circulation across the Nation and overseas especially to schools, libraries, prisons, social agencies, police departments etc. No donation is too small. One can’t do everything but if everyone does something, everything will get done.
Winsome Alexander Founder, ASCAR Centers International Inc. Adult Survivors of Child Abuse Recovery Centers OUTSPOKEN Magazine International Inc. The Voice for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse DONATE TO OUTSPOKEN Magazine www.outspokenmagazine.org or Box 5363 Beaumont, TX 77726
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OUTSPOKEN
THE VOICE FOR ADULT SURVIVORS OF CHILD ABUSE
The truth is...child abuse does not end in childhood. The trauma can cause lifelong emotional damage.
Our Mission
We believe in truth that will make you free. We bring awareness to the truth of the long term, often life long effects of abuse. We believe in placing blame where it rightfully belongs; not for condemnation but for accountability, in effort to break the abuse cycle. Facing the truth of the abuse that happened is a most important first step towards recovery. We believe that every life has a purpose. The abused one who was cast aside, ridiculed and overlooked, as well as the abusers who might have acted out what was done to them, were all made for a good reason. We believe the purpose of each person is directly connected to the natural God given gifts woven into the fibers of each of us when we were originally formed in secret in the image of God. Therefore, we strongly support using our gifts to help in the healing of battered emotions and recovery from life failures. We believe the gifts we were given will make room for us in the marketplace and will provide for us both spiritually and materially. We believe in the use of our gifts to glorify God, to bless others and to bring us prosperity. We believe the use of our gifts will help bring us back to our original self: the self that thrived before abuse interrupted our development. We believe anyone can accomplish great things with just a little support and we believe we have been called to offer some of that support.
OUTSPOKEN 8
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outspeak
reader feedback
Well done, Winsome!
Your magazine has inspired me. I’d like to collaborate with you on a
project we are working on in our church, which we would like to expand
Wow! Reading OUTSPOKEN in Nigeria?
into the community. P.J. Nigeria D.A. Texas
Thanks, on behalf of the entire OUTSPOKEN team. OUTSPOKEN is also read in several other countries globally. Abuse knows no boundaries. It
We are glad that we can inspire you and would love to meet with you to
happens on every continent, every ethnicity, every walk of life, among the
discuss your vision for our community. Looking forward to it!
rich, poor, educated or not. Abuse is a community problem, requiring community efforts to end it.
I posted about OUTSPOKEN Magazine on facebook because I was so impressed with the professional presentation and the articles that you
A magazine for adult survivors of child abuse? I’ve never heard of such
publish. I can even use it to help me train my children. It’s awesome!
a thing but it is awesome. A really good idea. We needed this. Everyone
else has their own magazine; guns, nails, fashion, hair, dogs, food,
F.T. Ohio
boats, homes and until now nothing for abuse survivors. Thank you for not forgetting us!
Thank you F.T. OUTSPOKEN Magazine is the voice for adult survivors of child abuse yes, but it is also for survivors of any catastrophe. There is
M.A. Atlanta
something in it for everyone.
As a survivor of abuse myself, I had found it hard to speak about my experiences and the effects of abuse on my adult life, especially when it seemed no one cared. I started the magazine to encourage others to open up about how they still hurt from childhood maltreatment. I hoped also to educate the public that child abuse does not end in childhood, but the effects are lifelong, to encourage more healing resources for adult survivors and connect survivors with available help. It has been 4 years and the magazine, like myself is a survivor. It is still very difficult for the public to be open about abuse, therefore support for the magazine is very scanty. Many are still very uncomfortable with the subject and many still don’t understand the effects and the needs of abuse survivors. OUTSPOKEN continues to raise awareness of the need to pay closer attention to the aftereffects of abuse on society at large.
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Ask ALL your friends to like OUTSPOKEN Magazine on facebook today.
den
Cover
Photo:
Scott Bo
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My Teacher Saved Me From Abuse... (Write about how your teacher affected your your life)
NTAL MEN’S ME ALTH HEMENTAL
As part of our MISSION to spotlight adult survivors of abuse, we are inviting readers to
ON COMM RDERS H DISO HEALT FFECT MEN THAT A
participate in a creative writing competition aimed at sharing stories with others as a
IES FAMILY T S IE T E H ARE T D B T A THAL FAMINILIES
means of healing. Selected stories will be featured in upcoming issues of Outspoken. We also accept anonymous submissions to protect your privacy.
N S NCTIO GACIE DYSFU & THEIR LE OF ARES ED SH L JOURNEY A HN RE DR. JO HIS PERSON 1
HEALING
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My Father... (Write anything you want to express about your biological father, pleasant or not)
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TOPICS
Submit entries to Email: walexander@outspokenmagazine.org or OUTSPOKEN Magazine PO Box 5363 Beaumont TX 77726
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PLACE YOUR AD HERE
SILENCE IS OUR ENEMY
OUTSPOKEN Magazine is the voice for adult survivors of abuse. Your advertising dollars ensure that we are able to continue to provide Outspoken free of charge to our readers. For more information call 713.445.6880 12
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DOES THE
PUNISHMENT
FIT THE CRIME?
Finding justice in the judicial system
Far too often in our nation, we hear of court cases concerning inconsistencies and injustice within the judicial system. The legal laws of the land derive from the foundation of the Ten Commandments, yet many statistics and court rulings stand in opposition of both proper punishment for the victimizer and instituting fairness toward the victim according to the commandments we “say� we believe.
violence each year. Also, lurking within the shadows of domestic violence are male victims. About 2 in 5 of all victims of domestic violence are men. Staggering statistics of sexual assault indicates that there is 1 sexual assault every 2 minutes. It doesn’t take an Ivy league scholar to understand that as a nation we have an enormous epidemic of violence however, many perpetrators receive punishments that are lenient and do not reflect the criminal damage that was done.
Acts of violence occur every 18 seconds in the U.S, and a woman is abused every 9 seconds. Children The light sentencing and unsupervised parole/ are present during 80% of the assaults against their probation of some crimes sends a clear message of mothers and 3 million children witness domestic victory for the victimizer and defeat for the victim
and community. By having such a miscarriage of justice it can prolong the emotional and psychological healing from rejection and violation. A classic and horrific example is Vijay Prasad a 51 year old youth fencing coach in San Diego who pleaded guilty to multiple felony charges for having a lewd sexual relationship with a 14 year old girl, and admitted to sexually assaulting another girl 10 years prior. Sadly, the courts only sentenced him to 5 years in prison. However, the emotional trauma of his victims will surpass the time of his light sentence. On the other end of the scale in the hand of lady justice, are the inconsistencies and injustice concerning punishing the innocent for a crime that they did not commit. This is also an example of violation and revictimization which will lead to emotional trauma. An egregious example of a punishment meted out without having committed the crime is Marcus Dixon. Marcus Dixon was a black 18 year old High School honor student in Georgia and an all American football prospect for many Universities in the country. He was accused of rape by his 16 year old girlfriend with the aid of her father. A Georgia jury found him not guilty of rape, however the states prosecutor charged him with “aggravated child molestation,” which carried a 10 year prison sentence. Consensual sex with a virgin fit into the technical reading of the Georgia statue. However, the Marcus Dixon case gained vast community exposure and public interest from the NAACP and Oprah. On May 3, 2004 the Supreme Court of Georgia overturned Dixon’s conviction and he was released. No one deserves to neither suffer violation nor be victimized. It is our civic duty to hold the elected and appointed judicial representatives accountable to; fairness, justice, and retribution. In the immortal words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, “Injustice anywhere, is injustice everywhere.” -Ronald Zion Roseboro Outspoken Magazine
Photo Credit:15Scott Bolden www.outspokenmag.com
Kate Roberts 409.998.1181 16
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mental
HEALTH For many individuals mental health is placed on the back burner. Check In to Check out is a Mental Health initiative conceived by Outspoken Magazine for those who are suffering in silence from the trauma of molestation, incest, physical and emotional abuse, domestic violence, life upheavals, and adversity. Most people perceive “trauma” to be associated with the physical trauma that occurs as a result of an accident or assault. But its meaning transcends those boundaries. Raising awareness of mental illness and its correlation with abuse exposes the devastating impact it has on physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing. Living with secrets of abuse can create dramatic problems for those who deny themselves treatment because of the stigma associated with mental illness. Check In to Check Out was derived from the concept of weekend hotel getaways. Studies suggest that there are psychological benefits that come with more frequent vacations. While not everyone is able to take a vacation, weekend hotel getaways are a popular --cost effective remedy for those suffering from mental fatigue and burn out. “Check into our host hotel to Check Out from everyday stressors” that rob you of your mental stability. Visit www.outspokenmagazine.org and our next issue for more details. Our first annual event is scheduled for May of 2013 in observance of Mental Health Awareness Month.
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tell your story
survivor stories
Improving the reporting and investigation of rape will happen only when we are committed to providing victims with comprehensive support services -- from that first 911 call all the way through to sentencing. My story demonstrates this: the support services I received sustained me though the
Rape in the United States: The Chronic Failure to Report and Investigate Rape Cases
- Julie Weil
longest, most grueling years of my life, a time when giving up sometimes seemed like the best thing to do. My name is Julie Weil. My story begins on a beautiful, hot October morning in 2002. My son and I went to pick up my daughter at noon from the church preschool around the corner from our house. When we got back to our minivan, my daughter jumped inside while I buckled my son into his car seat. I then walked around to other side of the van to make sure Emily’s car seat was secure. As I was doing this, I was ambushed from behind and hit over the head. As my daughter screamed for her life and fought to escape the van my assailant stripped the car keys from my hand and held a knife to my neck. He closed the door behind me, locked us in and turned the radio all the way up to drown out the sounds of my children’s cries. As he pulled out of the church parking lot he asked me, “do you believe in God?”
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Julie Weil testifying before the Senate Judiciary Committee’s Subcommittee on crime and drugs. When I answered “yes,” he said “good, then you will forgive me for what I am about to do to you and your children.” He then drove my children and me far away to an area that bordered the Everglades, parking our van on a canal bank surrounded by tall sawgrass. The hours that followed were the most terrifying of my life. The assailant beat me, held a knife on my children and me, and raped me four times. Each time I was violently raped, he forced both of my children to watch every moment of his crime. My daughter was forced to sit just inches from me as I screamed in pain during the brutal sexual assault. When he was done with me, he drove me to two ATMs and asked me to withdraw money. He then returned our van to the church and parked it behind some shrubbery. He told me to wipe down the surfaces of the car with my underwear to erase any fingerprints. Then he laid me naked on the floor of the van and stuck the knife at the base of my neck one last time. He made my daughter beg for my life. The fear in Emily’s tiny voice as she pleaded for him not to kill me still haunts me today. Then, he suddenly opened the van door and walked away. Immediately drove to my parents’ house and limped inside. Half naked and bleeding, I sobbed while my parents begged me to call 911. While I was afraid of what the rapist might do to my family if I reported the crime, I soon called the police. The compassionate and professional responding officer and SVU detective who arrived at the house that night set the tone for how I would feel about my experience with law enforcement. Without that encouraging beginning, my story might have ended quite differently. Eventually, they took me to the Roxcy Bolton Rape Treatment Center at Jackson Memorial Hospital in Miami. Thankfully,
the police and the nurses at the rape treatment center were all veterans in dealing with the unique needs of rape victims. The rape exam was horrible and very painful. Being poked, prodded and photographed was almost too much too take, but the forensic nurse stuck by my side and helped me through the pain. The next few months were torture on my family. The police found no fingerprints, and the rape treatment center uncovered no DNA on my body. This was extremely disheartening news. However, a few days after the rape I received a call from the police who informed me that tests revealed a tiny speck of DNA on my clothing. The DNA matched with a sample left at another rape. But unfortunately, the rapist’s information was not in the system. In a city of millions of people, my attacker could be anyone. I was terrified. The Miami-Dade police force put everything they had into looking for this man. My relationship with the detectives in my case served as a source of strength for me in Outspoken Magazine
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Rape in the US (CON’T) the agonizing months after my rape. Because they communicated with me
degree with a deadly weapon and guilty on one count of robbery.
and checked in on me regularly, I felt like they were personally invested in securing justice for my family. This gave me the strength I needed to
Sentencing came five weeks later. I told the judge how Michael Seibert
continue forward with the process.
broke my dreams and destroyed the life I wanted for my family. I told of how his actions forced us to leave the city, home, friends and family we
By a stroke of luck and good police work, my rapist was finally identified
loved because we no longer felt safe. The judge sentenced Michael Seibert
months later. Police were called to investigate a domestic dispute at a hotel
to an astounding seven consecutive life sentences plus fifteen years for the
where a man was beating up his pregnant girlfriend. Although she dropped
events that occurred against my family.
the charges, police fingerprinted him and swabbed the man for DNA. Three weeks later, the DNA tests came back as a match to my rape and another
There is immense power in seeing a case through to the end. The justice
prior assault. At last, I had a name and face to put with my attacker--Michael
system can work when victims are provided with the support we need.
Thomas Seibert. It was finally over, I thought to myself. I did not know
Without that support, my rapist may still be free and victimizing other
that the real endurance test was just beginning. After his arrest, the State
women and their families.
Attorney’s Office in Miami-Dade took over the case. I was thrown headfirst into the complex criminal justice system, something completely foreign to
That is why we must continue to improve the system for rape victims.
me. The first eighteen months after my rapist’s capture were filled with a
Organizations like RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network,
great deal of confusion, delay and disappointment. I began to feel hopeless.
provide victims and their families’ valuable information on their website and much needed emotional support through their National Sexual Assault
Then my case ended up on the desk of Assistant State Attorney, Laura
Hotlines.
Adams. Laura and her team were amazing. They promptly returned my phone calls, communicated with me about every motion and eased my
Seven years ago I was lying on the floor of my van, in the presence of
anxiety during what seemed like endless continuances. They empathized
my children naked and bleeding. I never would have imagined having the
with my concerns and helped me to see the bigger picture, which translated
strength to come here and speak to you as a survivor activist -- but it is
into justice for my precious family.
too important for me not to. That is also why I frequently share my story at law enforcement trainings, at State Attorneys meetings, and to medical
In October 2006 my trial began. It had taken more than four years of work to
personnel. The power that a positive experience with law enforcement and
get to this point. I trusted the officers, nurses and attorneys who had worked
the legal system can have on a life -- and on public safety - - is enormous.
tirelessly on my case over the years, and I was confident in their ability to secure justice for my family. Facing my rapist in court was extraordinarily
The safest and healthiest communities acknowledge the severity of rape as
difficult, not just for me but for my family. The compassionate care of
a crime and begin by respecting all victims, providing specialized training
wonderful counselors from the State Attorney’s office was invaluable to my
to law enforcement and healthcare professionals, and not downplaying the
mother as she prepared to testify. It is something I will always be grateful
prevalence or the seriousness of rape.
for. Finally, after many days, I took the stand. For nearly two hours, just feet away from my rapist, I relived the horrendous crime in graphic detail. I
Rape Survivor, Julie Weil’s testimony to United States Senate Committee
endured degrading questioning from his defense attorney and recited all of
on the Judiciary Subcommittee on Crime and Drugs. Julie shared her
the despicable details to a room full of strangers. The jury deliberated for
experience in hope that it empowers members to help all rape victims get
two and a half hours. I held my breath as they read their decision: guilty
the support they need to heal and fight the injustice of rape.
on three counts of armed kidnapping, guilty on 4 counts of rape in the first
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While Julie is grateful for the support of all involved in the processing of her case to the sentencing, and while she feels that justice was indeed eventually served, she does not think the punishment ever fits the crime. When asked what she thought would have made a difference to he experience with the legal process, she promptly responded, “it shouldn’t have taken so long, there were too many continuances while her was provided six different attorneys. The emotionally agonizing years of waiting, questions, fear and anxiety she and her family suffered will forever go uncompensated. Lifetimes served in prison will never correct the emotional toll the experience has taken on her daughter. Visit Julie’s website at www.not-just-me.com Julie Weil and Ronald Wicke: Survivors of sexual assult and members of RAINN Speakers Bureau. Ronald Wicke, a survivor of sexual abuse who attended The Oprah Show, says, “for most of us the grooming was so complete and effective that it kept us in silence for years or even decades. Only in the last decade have recovery resources and effective coping methods become available. There were no options, resources or people to turn to for 25 years after my abuse began. Now that we know education and awareness are the first steps, the Internet, therapies, books, articles and support groups are coming into place. Help is now available, we just have to overcome our fears and break the silence — or the perpetrators win.” Ron is a member of the RAINN Speakers Bureau. About RAINN RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization and was named one of “America’s 100 Best Charities” by Worth magazine. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotlines (800.656.HOPE and online.rainn.org) in partnership with over 1,100 local rape crisis centers across the country. The hotlines have helped more than 1.5 million people since 1994. RAINN also carries out programs to prevent sexual assault, help victims and ensure that rapists are brought to justice. For more information about RAINN, please
National Sexual Assault Hotline l 1.800.656.HOPE (4673) l Free l Confidential. 24/7
visit rainn.org. Outspoken Magazine
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Scott Berkowitz, is the founder and president of the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization, founded and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline and Online Hotline, and has helped more than 1.4 million victims of sexual violence.
A CRIME WITHOUT CONSEQUENCE – Scott Berkowitz
In the U.S. today, rape is a crime without consequence — except for the victim. The Justice Department estimates that 60% of victims never report their rape to police. And since many reports don’t lead to an arrest, and many arrests don’t lead to a conviction or prison time, the bottom line is that only one out of every 16 rapists will ever spend a single day in jail. Just one. And as long as rapists have a 94% chance of escaping punishment, they’re not likely to be deterred. Putting more rapists in prison is the single most effective rape-prevention tool that has ever existed. To accomplish that will require a sustained and focused effort to increase both reporting and conviction rates.
ReportingA generation ago, the reasons victims gave for not
reporting spoke vividly of the way society viewed this crime. They feared not being believed. They feared being interrogated about — and blamed for — their own behavior, from what they were wearing to why they gave the perpetrator the opportunity to commit the crime. In short, they feared that they would be the one on trial. Today, the perception of many victims has evolved along with greater public understanding of the crime. Now, common reasons cited for not reporting are: they don’t want their loved ones to know what happened. They’re ashamed. Or they just want to put the whole thing behind them. Fear, or at least skepticism, of how they might be treated by police does still exist, but it has moved down the list of reasons for not reporting. So while we need more training for law enforcement on how to treat victims appropriately we also need efforts that speak to — and educate — victims about the importance of reporting. Research also indicates that victims 22
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of sexual violence who receive counseling
Congress can do now: Congress can pass the SAFER Act, which would
are significantly more likely to report the
create a national registry of forensic evidence from sexual assault cases.
crime to police. The National Sexual Assault
The SAFER Act would provide crucial information to policymakers and rape
Hotline and local rape crisis centers answer
victims, and allow us to track the status of evidence testing by jurisdiction. It
the questions of thousands of victims each
would help us eliminate the DNA testing backlog once and for all.
day, helping to demystify the criminal justice system and increase the victims’ willingness
In the upcoming reauthorization of the Justice For All Act, Congress should
to report their attack.
increase the percentage of Debbie Smith Act funds that are spent on DNA
Convicting
Now, I want to talk about law enforcement
testing and analysis; incorporate the registry requirement of the SAFER Act; and set best practices standards for the prompt testing of all sexual assault crime scene evidence.
and prosecution. The good news is: many police agencies have dramatically improved
We also need Congress’ support to gather real, solid, in-depth data about
their handling of sex crimes in recent years.
the problems I’ve discussed today. Then we need your support to help fix
But problems remain. One problem is that
them.
many agencies deal with so few sexual assault cases each year, which makes it
Overall, as Congress moves forward with the Violence Against Women Act
difficult to establish the specialized skills
and other crime legislation, we would like to see the overarching question
required to investigate rape cases. One of
be: what will this do to improve the reporting and conviction rates of rape
the most important things Congress can
cases? At the moment, 94% of rapists are escaping any form of punishment.
do is to help local law enforcement tap into
This should be the main focus of policymakers.
the expertise they need to successfully investigate and prosecute these cases.
Because, today, violent criminals will sexually assault another 657 Americans. And if history is any guide, 616 of those criminals will wake up
Skilled investigators operate to a great
tomorrow morning — and every morning thereafter — free to start all over
extent on instinct and perception. Most of
again.
the time, that’s a good thing. But it can cause problems when it’s based on misinformation or false impressions. Impressions like: a large percentage of rape reports are false. The FBI tells us that’s just not true. Or — and this is a big one — that DNA doesn’t matter unless the attacker was a stranger or unless you have a suspect identified. In fact, as the best district attorneys will tell you, having DNA evidence in hand is crucial for any prosecution these days. Juries expect it. It can corroborate a victim’s story. And, increasingly, it helps identify patterns of serial rapists, even acquaintance rapists. However, the data we have is insufficient for our needs and impedes our ability to understand the barriers to reporting, and why so few rapists end up in prison. For example, we would like to see DOJ and states better track rape cases, from initial report to ultimate disposition. Based on what we do know, here are a few things
What is SAFER? The SAFER Act (H.R. 1523/S. 3250) is a no-cost bill that will create the Sexual Assault Forensic Evidence Registry (SAFER), which will track the status of DNA evidence collected in rape cases (commonly known as rape kits).
Why We Need It: There’s a huge backlog of DNA evidence from unsolved rape cases that has never been sent to the lab for analysis. Until we test this evidence and identify the rapists, those criminals remain free to attack more victims.
How SAFER Will Help: SAFER will bring transparency to the DNA rape kit testing process, help us efficiently target resources to cities that have the biggest backlogs, and empower the communities with information about the rape kit testing status in their area. It will help eliminate the evidence backlog and take thousands of rapists off the streets.
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Survivors of Abuse demand the same benefits as other victims of crime.
WE WANT OUR LIVES BACK!
Abuse survivors don’t need pity, nor do they need to feel like they don’t
programs for adults who were sexually, physically or verbally attacked and
have a right to grieve lost childhood. What they need is as much care,
character assassinated by their parents leaving them with invisible wounds.
consideration and support as sufferers of chronic illnesses like cancer,
Where are the special housing and rehab facilities to support adults who
diabetes, sickle cell, drug addiction, mental illness or any victim of violent
seriously want to get back on track after discovering why they fell in the
crime.
first place?
We are outraged each time we hear of another heinous crime in the news but we won’t hear the cries of adult survivors of abuse while they are
Along with shameful secrets, survivors have secrets of what they used to be
re-victimized daily by our apathy. Rather, we urge them to be silent and get
or what they dream of being and they now need help to fulfill those dreams.
over it already. But, where can an adult survivor of incest go to apply for
Often, what they want to be is the original self that is directly connected to
victims compensation benefits when the full effects of that type of long term
their gifts, which got buried along with much of the trauma they suffered.
psychological and physical trauma begins to manifest? Who does the adult
To become who they long to be, they have to now unearth the gifts even in
school dropout turn to for help with tuition to return to school after negligent
the fear of unearthing the trauma. They need to be allowed to retrace their
parents failed to educate them? Where are the specially funded treatment
steps like rewind on their DVD players and start over. They can rewrite their
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processes from youth to adulthood, in order to reclaim their lives. So, how do we begin to support survivors of abuse in getting back to their originality? With the abundance of programs for children which put a band aid on the problem after the occurrence of abuse, why not develop more result oriented programs for adult survivors of abuse to help prevent the abuse in the first place? Where are the parenting programs in churches and schools? Why can’t churches and community leaders gather enough courage to initiate programs to help abuse survivors regain usefulness that was robbed from them in childhood? If the programs set up to support and protect children are not working to end child abuse, could it be that we ought to look at funding programs to help would be abusers break the cycle? Financial overwhelm, childhood abuse, inadequate parenting skills are some of the reasons for child abuse, since we know many of the reasons for abuse, should we not place more emphasis on preventing the abuse than in bandaging the wounds after the fact? How many more lives must be lost before we get to the adults prior to them abusing the children thus continuing the cycle? How about sending simple, caring media messages to adult survivors that their pain is not insignificant to the rest of us but they can fight on despite the mistakes of their parents and do better than their parents did to protect their own children and make more valuable contribution to society? How about making it safe for adult survivors to speak up about what’s hurting? Sort of like reporting the offence even as an adult to an agency that is structured to take their complaint and process it in such a manner as to give them justice for the wrong done to them? Is there a hotline specifically for adult survivors of child abuse? Are there safe houses and shelters for these like there are for victims of domestic abuse? Do churches offer enough support for healing for the adult survivor even from the pulpit? Why is more attention not being paid to the needs of adult survivors of child abuse? FUNDING THESE PROGRAMS journey, this time using their gifts to reclaim their lives; otherwise, they will
Why are parents not being held accountable for the damage they cause
turn to drugs and crime or become disabled with mental illness.
their adult children? And here’s one I know will cause outrage. Why not
As in the case of other victims of crime, the adult survivor was not at fault
of back child support? How about garnishing the wages of deadbeat
for what he or she suffered in childhood and should no longer be held completely responsible for the crimes of their parents. Just because they are now adults does not automatically train them to manage responsibility when they were never taught how, through the normal developmental stages leading up to adulthood. They should not be required to pay restitution for offences they did not commit as a child by expecting them to navigate life at the same rate of success as other citizens that grew up in healthy nurturing, families. Funds and programs are made available for other victims of crime; survivors of child abuse deserve some of those same benefits. They deserve a chance to begin again and be guided through the
have delinquent parents pay restitution to their adult children in the form parents and channeling these funds into scholarships for adult survivors of abuse. Or how about running advertisements on TV and in print asking for monetary support for ongoing recovery efforts of adult child abuse survivors. Encourage Adult Sponsorship and Adoption Programs. There is so much more that we can be doing to help heal adults, prevent further child abuse and reduce crime and drug use, which will in turn will improve the safety and quality of life for all families. Recognizing and rehabilitating abuse survivors will be beneficial to all of us in the long run. If we imagine a world free of child abuse, drug abuse, crime Outspoken Magazine
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and immorality we should consider paying greater attention to the result of
I am advocating for adult survivors of child abuse because there are
child abuse in the adult survivor.
many programs for children and not enough for the adult sufferer. There are many a book and ministries telling problem adults to get well
By no means should the destructive behaviors of abuse survivors be
already but, who is taking the time to validate that the pain of a mutilated
excused but frankly, we must admit that abusers tend to act out when they
childhood is real before dispensing advice. When I worked with troubled
feel they are not being heard or understood. When there is no safe place
adults I watched painfully as many dove quickly into wise counsel before
to hide the pain, they must carry it around with them usually in a state of
listening thereby discounting the feelings of the sufferer with their self
anxiety and depression, wreaking havoc on society. When anger can’t
serving preaching. I saw the sufferer listen out of respect but were not
be labeled or the origin of the anger can’t be identified, it will manifest as
affected at the root because the core problem was never validated.
something else; perhaps rape or stealing or murder, insanity, self mutilation,
When I go to the doctor I have to describe some symptoms before he
suicide or a lack of motivation which might look like laziness. Indiscipline or
can prescribe medicine. To help a person who cannot keep a job it might
an inability to commit to anything from finishing school to holding down a
not be enough to say you need to go to work for this will frustrate that
job to maintaining relationships might all have roots in the inconsistencies
person who feels that they have been trying the best the can. If you
that abound in the early life of a neglected child. The helplessness and
really want to help, you must assist that job hopper figure out why they
shame an unwanted child lives with can become the unreliable foundation
are having trouble staying steadily employed, and then you can advise
on which the adult attempts to construct a life. This faulty foundation will fail
and preach to support their recovery.
every time throwing the survivor’s building into destruction while the debris clouds up everything around them, including every relationship they attempt
Adult survivors of child abuse finally have a voice in OUTSPOKEN
thereby, impacting the lives of those persons involved with them.
Magazine and are finally being given the right to say to parents and guardians, you failed me and you made my life a living hell. To society,
Because we cannot see the limp of an emotionally crippled person we often
they can reach out to ask for the help they need to heal and contribute
discount their suffering and are impatient with them as we urge them to just
their fair share. To government, law enforcement and social agencies;
get over it.
please help us take our lives back!
28
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Don’t be fooled by me. Don’t be fooled by the face I wear for I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I’m afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me, but don’t be fooled, for God’s sake don’t be fooled. I give you the impression that I’m secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water’s calm and I’m in command and that I need no one, but don’t believe me.
Please hear what I’m not saying 30
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My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing. Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness. But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed. That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope, and I know it. That is, if it’s followed by acceptance, if it’s followed by love. It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It’s the only thing that will assure me of what I can’t assure myself, that I’m really worth something. But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare to, I’m afraid to. I’m afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. I’m afraid you’ll think less of me, that you’ll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing and that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front.
With your power to touch me into feeling you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator-of the person that is me if you choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic, from my lonely prison, if you choose to. Please choose to. Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back. It’s irrational, but despite what the books say about man often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that’s really nothing, and nothing of what’s everything, of what’s crying within me. So when I’m going through my routine do not be fooled by what I’m saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying, what I’d like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can’t say. I don’t like hiding. I don’t like playing superficial phony games. I want to stop playing them. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me but you’ve got to help me. You’ve got to hold out your hand even when that’s the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings-very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings!
Charles C. Finn
©September 1966
Charles Finn is a writer who also works as a licensed professional counselor primarily with substance abuse issues and issues of spirit. He has been married to Penny for 32 years and they live in Virginia. Charlie is the father of two children adopted from Korea and Hong Kong. He still does most of his writing on a yellow legal pad, but has now learned how to use a word processor and email. He glories in thunderstorms, flowers and everyday miracles. Charlie has just published a book about the effects this poem has had on people around the world. It is called, appropriately enough, Please Hear What I Am Not Saying and is available on the “More Poetry” page.at www.poetrybycharlesfinn.com
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talk of the town
18 YEAR OLD AUCTIONS OFF HER VIRGINITY
TTO PAY FOR MOTHER’S MOUNTING MEDICAL BILLS
The vicious rape and murder of a young woman in New Delhi has placed the mistreatment of women in the spotlight She passed away in the wee hours of the morning, even before the first rays of the sun broke through grey somber clouds. Her death has blanketed us with High-school student Rebecca Bernardo is offering her deflowering to the highest bidder
pain and grief in a way like no other. Somewhere deep within our hearts, we were all hoping for a miracle for the nameless, faceless, brave heart girl.
An 18-year-old Brazilian, Rebecca Bernardo is auctioning off her virginity in an effort to raise money for her sick mother, who recently suffered a stroke.
Yet, we called her by many names, Amanat, Damini,
Bernardo announced the auction via YouTube and has so far received three bids, the highest being $35,000. ‘I made up my mind right after my 18th birthday. That’s when my mother suffered a stroke’, she told CNN.
have been through in the last few days, we probably
The Sapeacu native says she has worked as a waitress but the cost of taking care of her mum which includes paying for a caretaker is too much for her to handle. Her mother is unable to feed herself or go to the bathroom alone.
comprehend the victim’s grief, unless one of their very
Bernardo’s mother however doesn’t want her daughter to ‘prostitute herself’, saying she should look for work elsewhere. ‘She shouldn’t prostitute herself,’ she said. Bernardo says she was inspired by another Brazilian Catarina Migliorini, 20, who auctioned off her virginity three months ago for $780,000 through an Australian website 32
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and Nirbhaya and probably more, I called her Shakthi. We can never feel the pain that she did in the last few days, we can never fully understand what her family never will, unless we and our own were victims of the same horrendous crime. Even our Netas who have been playing the blame game, the hiding game and every conceivable game there is to play, will never own journeys through the same dagger and thorn riddled road that Shakthi tortuously did. Until then, India will not change, until then the lawmakers will not gain consciousness from their state of coma, until then the laws will not change, until then the attitude of indifference will forever remain, and the society will continue to rot. Many people have slain Shakthi, the head count of the guilty is a lot more than the six beasts that raped her. Whether it was the Delhi Chief Minister who uselessly
cried
when
it
sun sinks, India cannot change. The change ought to begin
was all over and
at the grass root levels, it begins with the way Mothers and
all too late, or a
Fathers nourish young minds.
Prime
Minister
who
remained
And then there are men like Abhijit Mukherji, the son of the
mute
over
the
President of India. If the President of this country could not
issue for a record
raise his son to lead by example, if the President of this country
time
instead
reassuring nation
of
has failed in his duties as a responsible Father and instead
the
has raised a chauvinistic son who has little regard for women,
stoically
then it reflects again on how the problem is widespread. The
and not meekly
decomposition is far beyond the impoverished chattels of New
like he did, or
Delhi, it seeps all the way up to the Rashtrapathi Bhavan,
the
to the hallways of the Parliament of India and to legislative
Congress
President
who
assemblies across this country. In a report published by ADR
for a matter of
India, it is noted that political parties have given tickets to 27
formality
met
candidates who contested state elections in the last five years,
protestors (NSUI
who have declared that they have been charged with rape. In
students)
who
the last Lok Sabha elections, political parties gave tickets to 6
were handpicked
candidates who declaLared that they have been charged with
in advance, or a
rape. In short, the people who govern us are also rapists; they
Home
Minister
have raped the system in its entirety. Why is there no law in
who emphasized
place as yet to stop such beasts from contesting elections?
on the fact that he was the Father of three daughters himself
Rapes are treated as mundanely as everything else in India
and created a theatrical charade over his responsibilities, or
just like people pissing on walls, garbage being dumped every
the Delhi police that tear gassed and lathi charged at young
where, bribes being handed out easily, men abusing women,
students for peacefully protesting,
or the Government in
Mothers pampering the sons as the daughters are sidelined,
its entirety who ‘probably’ took a political decision to move
dowries being given with a smile, harassment in public places,
Shakthi out of India despite the serious medical risks in doing
incest, child abuse etc etc When will it stop and how are we
so, they all have blood on their hands.
to stop it, in a country of a billion plus, who will help us stop all this?
And it is not just the powerful in the country who must be blamed, even the ordinary ought to be, women included.
And we continue asking many questions furiously; yet, we
If a woman cannot understand, comprehend, fathom and
will never hear definitive answers. All we hear are the quiet
appreciate the position of another woman, then it reflects
sobs of a family who have lost a daughter. We never let this
quite accurately what a festered society that we live in. In a
little bud bloom, instead we walked all over her and trampled
nauseating incident, Dr. Anita Shukla had the audacity to fully
her and stifled the last breath out of her. India’s daughter dies
blame Shakthi for the heinous crime that was committed. In
everyday.
an article that I had to re-read twice before actually believing it was true, the woman stated that ‘The victim should have surrendered when surrounded by six men, at least it could have saved her intestines’. And this nonsense was uttered in a seminar in Madhya Pradesh that was organized by the police, and believe it or not, the seminar topic was “ Sensitivity towards women’. Dr. Anita Shukla like many other women have questioned like imbeciles, why the victim was out of her house after 10 pm? Unless, one chooses to shun the mindset that these pathetic women have, India cannot change. Unless
You lie still in a safer place, Angels whisper softly in your ears A calm on your face, Void of all anger and fears Rest in peace gentle one, let us deal with the beasts…
the same women teach their sons to respect women and not - Sharmila Ravinder
ask their daughters to stay cocooned in their homes once the Outspoken Magazine
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33
OUTSPOKEN YOUTH PRESERVING THE
ORGINALITY OF OUR YOUTH 34
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February is nationally recognized as Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month (teenDVmonth). During the month, people around the nation participate in activities that promote education and awareness about teen dating abuse. It is vital to talk openly with teens about healthy and unhealthy relationships, warning signs and what we can do to lessen the frequency of dating abuse. According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), “one in ten high school students has experienced physical violence from a dating partner in the past year.” Education, awareness and intervention are keys to stopping dating abuse. Being part of a relationship does not mean you are no longer a unique and distinctive individual. If you are part of a relationship it is probably because you enjoy being around that person but it doesn’t mean that they get to run your life. Your BF/GF should let you have the time and space to hang out with your friends and family and to spend time alone when you want to. Your BF/GF shouldn’t ask you to compromise your plans for your life.
Relationship Rights No relationship is perfect, even the best have ups and downs, but both individuals in a relationship are entitled to basic human rights. You have the rights: 1.To start and end a relationship 2.To be heard and taken seriously 3.To freely express what you think and feel 4.To make decisions about your body, property, schedule, opinion and privacy 5.To feel safe and protected in a relationship 6.To live free from all forms of abuse including emotional, physical, sexual and tech abuse 7.The right to freely make decisions regarding sexual activity Relationship Responsibilities Both individuals in a relationship should have the same rights and responsibilities: 1.The responsibility to listen to your partner 2.The responsibility to respect 3.The responsibility to be fair 4.The responsibility to support 5.The responsibility to analyze the problem 6.The responsibility to communicate openly 7.The responsibility to think about your own well-being 8.The responsibility to be honest 9.The responsibility to be accountable for your own behavior Have you ever wondered whether your relationship is normal? Is this ok? Is it typical for guys/ girls to do this? How committed should I be in this relationship? Why is he/she acting this way? Please take our short quiz; it’ll help you to figure out if there are elements of abuse in your relationship.
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Quiz- Is this abuse? Are you or someone you know being abused? Does your BF/GF… −
Constantly call or text you?
−
Check your cell phone?
−
Act extremely jealous or possessive?
−
Try to control where you go and what you do?
−
Follow you or obsessively check on you to know where you are and what you are doing?
−
Make you feel like you can never do anything right?
−
Make you feel like you need to change things about yourself?
−
Make you feel fearful?
−
Make you feel worthless?
−
Blame you for the abuse?
−
Ignore what you think and make important decisions for you?
−
Use alcohol or drugs as an excuse for saying offensive things or abusing you?
−
Put you down in front of your/their friends and family?
−
Keep you from seeing your friends?
−
Makes you do things you do not want to do?
−
Pressures you to have sex?
−
Ever hit, push, choke, kick, or slap you?
−
Threaten to hurt you or hurt someone else (including pets) if you leave him/her?
If you answered YES to any of these questions you may be in an abusive relationship. Have you ever felt like you don’t want to be in that relationship anymore? Do you feel like you are being abused, but don’t know where to get help? If so, you are not alone. If you can, please talk to a friend, your parents, other family members or a trusted adult. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone you know about your relationship yet, there are lots of great advocates who get it, who you can talk with on the phone or online to get info anonymously. Check out the list in the next column.
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Not only is dating abuse and violence escalating, but verbal abuse through texting, Facebook and chat rooms is on the rise and not being reported.
Need Help? National Dating Abuse Helpline………………………..866.331.9474 National Dating Abuse Helpline TTY………………….866.331.8453 Love is Respect Live online chat at:……………………http://www.loveisrespect.org/ National Domestic Violence Hotline:..…..……….…….800-779-SAFE (7233)
■ 1 in 5 teens that have been in a serious relationship report being hit, slapped or pushed by a partner. ■ 1 in 3 girls who have been in a serious relationship say they’ve been concerned about being physically hurt by their partner.
Rape Abuse & Incest National Network:……………….800-656-HOPE (4673) Indiana Youth Group (LGBT)…………………………..(317) 541-8726
■ 1 in 4 teens who have been in a serious relationship say their boyfriend or girlfriend has tried to prevent them from spending time with friends or family; the same number have been pressured to only spend time with their partner. ■ 1 in 3 girls between the ages of 16 and 18 say sex is expected for people their age if they’re in a relationship; half of teen girls who have experienced sexual pressure report they are afraid the relationship would break up if they did not give in.
Sources: www.cardvservices.org www.preventconnect.com
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L O R
THE
CONT K A E FR
physical, mental, spiritual You love them but cannot handle them. Over-the-top, having to control everything, a little of a control freak goes a very long way. Do you have friends or family who fit this description? Do you fit this description? Okay, admit it, we all secretly want to be in the driver’s seat of life. We can disguise the longing, masquerade it, or simply live in denial. However, the plain truth is control makes us feel powerful.
From birth we quickly learn the art of manipulating and controlling our
surroundings. Watch as a mother places her infant child down for an afternoon nap. Having fed, rocked, sang to, and gently caressed until the child is almost asleep, she places her in the crib, turns out the light, and tiptoes toward the door. As she pulls the door shut she hears a shrill, demanding cry that communicates, No! Come back. I demand your time and undivided attention. Frustrated and frazzled the mother
The
reaches down and cradles the infant in her arms. Immediately, the crying ceases. What transpired? A six-month-old just learned the skill and satisfaction of control.
Let’s fast-forward thirty years. Our infant, Rachel, a successful real estate broker in Florida, has a typical type A, over accomplished personality. At work she is a fierce competitor. Among friends she becomes planner, organizer, and CEO of their social lives. As the acting director of vacations, events, and outings, be assured, every restaurant, cab ride, movie, and meal is prearranged. Known to monopolize the conversation and redirect when it does not appeal to her interest, Rachel plays the role of diva, drama queen,
1
director, and chief of the fashion police.
What drives Rachel to
control? After all, she is smart and successful. She attracts men, but they leave as quickly as they come. Friends are initially lured by her enthusiasm for life, but few can survive her dominating nature. Relationships for Rachel are a revolving door of potential hopefuls, entering and exiting with rhythmic consistency.
38
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health & wellness
Okay, it’s time to confess. We either know a Rachel, or we are a Rachel. For those
who have a friend or relative like her, remember that somewhere hidden beneath the tough exterior is a heart longing for acceptance. There is a wounded person whose trust has been broken or personal boundaries crossed. We all fight the fear of losing something or someone we love. In most cases we are simply trying try to prevent more loss. Regardless of intentions, remember, no one enjoys being controlled.
For those who are courageous enough to admit you are a control freak, there is hope.
But first, let’s discover how influential, if not entirely controlling, our family, friends or coworkers have been about our decision-making. Go ahead and take the following quiz and evaluate if your relationships are healthy or simply disasters waiting to happen.
Am I in a Controlling Relationship? Am I in a relationship where the other person makes all the decisions? Do I often feel used for what I can do instead of being enjoyed for who I am? Do I mentally retrace my conversations with others to ensure I did not say something this person would consider offensive? Do I struggle to open up or speak my true feelings while in this person’s company? Are activities planned by this person, or do I share in the decision-making? Does this person disregard my personal boundaries? In the presence of friends or family do I feel nervous, anxious, or that I don’t measure up intellectually or socially? Do I find myself accommodating others’ desires by participating in activities they enjoy rather
Tracey
As one of the nation’s leading conference speakers, Tracey travels 40+ weeks a year, sharing Biblical principles and wisdom with diverse audiences throughout America. Tracey’s real life experiences – though painful and challenging have enabled her to identify with the hurting, lonely, and rejected. Whether speaking to men, women corporate CEO’s or the
than ones I enjoy?
homeless, Tracey’s love and passion for re-writing the lives
Do I compromise personal responsibilities to make sure others are able to fulfill their project
of the brokenhearted make her messages relevant and
deadlines? Does this person bring out my insecurities?
How did you do? If you answered yes to three or more of the above questions, then
it is time you begin working toward emotional and relational freedom. You may ask, “Tracey,
empowering. Mentorship Founder Born in adverse circumstances, Tracey is acquainted with the emotional chaos that accompanies abandonment and rejection. Although she suffered painful experiences she
how do I handle an opinionated, boundary-breaking, self-assertive person?” First, recognize this
discovered one proven truth; with God’s love and mercy, ‘all
person’s need for acceptance. Controlling people are often hurting people who simply long to
pain can be transformed into purpose.’
regain emotional balance in their lives. In their minds, the more things or people they can control, the less out-of-control their lives seem to be. Many times, an insatiable desire for control is an effort to restore balance in other areas in life. Divorce, death, bankruptcy, or loss in a relationship
As a life coach and mentorship founder of “The Winning Woman”, Tracey’s heart is to see lives changed, hearts healed, and dreams fulfilled. Her heart is transparent, her message simple &”Your Life Can Change ~ You Can Change!”
can create mental and emotional breaking points. Usually, those who exhibit control issues also struggle with chronic stress, obsessive-compulsive behavior, or rebellious tendencies. These are external behaviors reflecting underlying struggles of self-doubt, loss, and rejection.
Tracey Mitchell Ministries, Inc. is a non-profit organization based in Dallas, Texas. We are financially supported by contributions from friends and partners of the ministry.
Second, prayerfully remember their need for love. Nurturing, consistency, and reassurance will make a positive difference in their lives. Third, set up and enforce personal boundaries. When family and close friends are involved, what defines healthy boundaries? How much space is considered appropriate? Where should privacy lines be drawn and to what extent should they be enforced? It is safe to say, while the thoughts, opinions, and ideas of others should be an enjoyable addition to your world, they should not come with the high price tag of sacrificing your dreams. I assure you, I understand the manipulative tactics of those who will attempt to highjack your dreams. You would be surprised at the number of “take my word or else� pronouncements I have received over the years. Looking back, I now see the absurdity of such scheming threats. Granted, not everyone will agree with you all the time, but it is how they make you feel when they disagree that counts. Refuse to engage in conversations where your thoughts are belittled or your feelings are dismissed. Remember, no matter how well-meaning others seem to be, emotional blackmail is always wrong.
Tracey Mitchell Ministries, Inc. is a non-profit organization based in Dallas, Texas. We are financially supported by contributions from friends and partners of the ministry.
Tracey 40
Outspoken Magazine
CASA volunteers are appointed by judges to watch over and advocate for abused and neglected children, to make sure they don’t get lost in the overburdened legal and social service system or languish in inappropriate group or foster homes. Volunteers stay with each case until it is closed and the child is placed in a safe, permanent home. For many abused children, their CASA volunteer will be the one constant adult presence in their lives. Independent research has demonstrated that children with a CASA volunteer are substantially less likely to spend time in long-term foster care and less likely to reenter care.
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Early detection and treatment for HIV can give you a
99%
CHanCE without of having your baby born
HIV To get all the facts, call
Triangle AIDS Network
Beaumont 409.832.8338 Mid-County 409.724.2437 Outspoken Magazine
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41
We don’t often give time to think on the many ways we abuse ourselves. When the topic of self injury or self harm presents, we mainly think of cutting or burning. We don’t realize we self-destruct with bad habits, negative meditations, overeating, not exercising, not pursuing knowledge and education, neglecting our spiritually and neglecting our gifts and talents.
journey
Her Her Life Her
DR. DARNA
Alcohol and drug abuse is defined as a pattern of harmful use of any substance, but is not readily perceived as a method of self-injury. Whether prescribed or illicit, the rampant use of drugs is destroying our communities even as we destroy our individual lives. Finding caring support, affordable and lasting deliverance from self-harming drug use is a challenge for thousands of addicts, hence the importance of the testimony of this issue’s Speaking Tall guest, Dr. Darna Hughes. We thought Dr. Darna’s story was relevant in that addiction is one of the recovery challenges of abuse survivors. Many survivors, even in church, use drugs as a coping method. They use it to self-medicate the horrific emotional pain that dwells in the undelivered soul. 42
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testimony
speaking tall
conquerors of abuse
Dr. Darna Hughes is an ordained elder at a successful ministry. But her title and position did not come without painful sacrifices. One doesn’t qualify for this type of elevation without going through some of life’s darkest tunnels and learning some tough lessons. Meet a woman who knows all too well what it takes to live victoriously even after drug addiction. Her testimony is living proof that regardless of how low we sink, we can rise again. Dr. Darna has every reason to smile so brightly. She has overcome! She has been near death and survived and has conquered drug addiction! In this issue, we present various recovery paths addicts and survivors of abuse can take. In addition, we are pleased to feature Dr. Darna Hughes as she boldly shares with you how she was able to annihilate the demon of addiction from her own life and is now Speaking Tall. The following is chapter one of Doctor Darna’s new book: From The Crackhouse to The Lighthouse.
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“… and it shall come to pass in that day, that his burden shall be taken away from off thy shoulder, and his yoke from off thy neck, and the yoke shall be destroyed because of the anointing. (Isaiah 10:27) KJV The Woman in the Mirror
My bathroom was all steamy, and I was getting ready to take a nice hot shower. As I walked past the mirror I got a glimpse of myself. It was the first time I had looked at myself in a long time. It was almost like the reflection was revealing something to me I couldn’t quite make out. The glare from the mirror was drawing me into it, like a fragrance wooing a long lost lover. The closer I got to the mirror the weaker I felt. Without knowing it, I found myself pressed against the obscured image in the glass. As my fingers touched the moist surface they became wet from the built up condensation. By this time the mirror was a little foggy because of the moisture that had built up in the
room from the running hot water.
I took my index finger and spelled
The image in the mirror and the
Even through the fog, I could see
my name out: D-A-R-N-A in the
torrent of tears said in unison what
the bones protruding from my frail
condensation that was built upon
my mouth would not say, I was
frame. I looked like a malnourished
the mirror. While looking at my
addicted to crack cocaine. It had
dog. I could almost count my ribs.
name, I also focused on the image
stolen my time, my valuables, my
They were so pronounced that they
that was looking back at me. I knew
money, and my family. Now it was
nearly protruded out of my skin. My
that they did not belong together.
about to take my life. My petite 5’
face was lean and almost formless.
Something inside me said that I
2” frame had dwindled from 115
Even though I have a deep brown
was better than this. The Hebrew
pounds to almost 80 pounds ringing
complexion, the circles were so
meaning of my name is God is my
wet. I knew if I didn’t do something
dark under my eyes they looked
Judge.
soon, I was going to die.
like someone had rubbed charcoal
Thinking about what God could
Before I could stop this madness
underneath them.
be judging me for made me even
I had to realize how it started.
As I continued to look in the mirror,
weaker. I was almost too weak
Like so many people I felt I was
I could feel the presence of death in
to hold my own body up. I just
invincible. I could do whatever I
the room. The fog continued to build
collapsed in the middle of the
wanted whenever I wanted. I was in
up from the heat, and there was
bathroom floor like a heap of dirty
control. Or so I thought. Truthfully,
a gloomy presence in the place. I
laundry. Now the tears that could
crack had been calling all the shots
wanted to cry, but it seemed that
not form before were gushing from
in my life for three years.
there wasn’t even enough moisture
my eyes like waterfalls. No matter
I remember it like it was yesterday. I
in my tear ducts to force out a tear.
how hard I tried, I could not stop the
was sitting in my living room with my
My entire body was at its wits end.
tears from falling.
friend, Allen. He was a truck driver
speaking tall and was required to keep a rigid
artist. When he was not traveling as
She kept my kids most of the time.
in the car, and took them to their
delivery schedule. He had started
a truck driver, he was performing in
I would drop them off early in the
grandmother’s house. I knew they
using cocaine to help him stay up
clubs. The club life is just like you
morning and would not pick them
would be safe there. I had to find a
just to make his deliveries on time.
imagine it in the movies, drugs are
up until late that evening. By the
place for me to be restored. I went
Even though I had seen him use
free (at least they seem to be) and
time I got them it was bedtime.
to my girlfriend’s house and tried to
cocaine on several occasions, it
flow like liquid. When I was out on
Even though I did not spend time
pick up the pieces of my life. From
had never bothered me until this
the town with Allen, I didn’t have to
with them, I never let them see me
that day forward I had a plan. My
one day. On this particular day,
trade paychecks for a high because
get high.
goal was to recapture my life from
my curiosity was peaked. I just
I was like a kid in a candy store.
By the time I hit rock bottom, I had
crack cocaine.
wanted to know what it was like. I
We could get as much cocaine as
lost almost 35 lbs. Yet somehow I
I began going to church with my
wondered why it made him feel so
we wanted, whenever we wanted,
kept up my outward appearance
ex-mother- in- law. She was more
good, and even though I had heard
however we wanted.
at all times. I made sure my nails
of a mother to me at that time in my
the saying, “curiosity killed the cat”,
It seems that some people get
were done, my lipstick was on,
life because my own mother had not
I could not keep my inquisitive mind
so devastated by their addiction
and my hair was flawless. If I didn’t
supported me returning to school.
from taking the next step. After all, I
because there is never enough to
feel like fixing myself up, I stayed
Even though I was no longer
had already used marijuana, so this
satisfy their craving. The drug for
inside. But when it was time for a
married to her son, she wanted me
could not be so bad. It didn’t take
them is just a pacifier until they get
fix, I didn’t care what I looked like.
to be successful. She never thought
much persuading for him to agree to
their next hit. This only increases
I would throw a scarf on my head
twice about keeping the kids.
give me a hit from his pipe.
their desperation for another fix. It
and go out to find something to
At church I joined the choir as I
I took one drag, and it snagged
is not like when you have dope you
stop the craving, doing my best to
tried to get my life back in order.
me like a fish. I inhaled the hook,
are going to save some for later.
make sure no one saw me looking
Although I stopped doing cocaine, I
the line and I was sunk. I was
When you have it, you use it all
so desperate.
still used pot. In fact, I would be high
about to be played by a master
up until there isn’t any more. The
I know there are people who say
in the choir stand. I was attending
fisherman dangling me helplessly
challenge then becomes figuring
you do not have any limitations
a Baptist church every Sunday. I
on an invisible string.
out how to get it again. That is
when you get high, but I was a
had found religion, but I had not
It was 1986, I was 26 years old
how people end up homeless and
different type of addict. I was a
found God.
and in college. I was full of purpose
hopeless. They spend all of their
drug user with a conscience. I
God Takes Charge
and destiny. But a chalky white
money on drugs. Broke and feigning
come from a line of preachers. My
One Sunday I was singing my heart
substance was about to put some
for a fix, they feel they have no other
grandfather was a preacher and
out in the choir stand, and I was as
of my dreams on hold. I had three
option except to steal and con their
my great-grandfather, too. There
high as a kite from smoking pot.
young children at home. My oldest
way to the next high. They steal a
were enough prayers that had gone
Then from nowhere, I felt a surge
daughter, Dayna, had just turned
TV, a watch, or some other quick-
before me that even in my mess, I
like a bolt of lightning hit me. I fell to
9, my second daughter, Devona,
turn item to hustle up the money for
felt a conviction.
the floor in an instant. Most people
and my son Robert, were just a few
their next high. A desperate need
It’s like Rahab in the Bible. Even
in that church hadn’t seen anything
years behind her.
to get high will lead people to do
though she was a prostitute, she
like that before. They all crowded
I have always been poised and able
anything, including taking from their
was still in the lineage of David.
around me and began to fan me to
to keep things going, so no one
family members.
There was something about her
try to bring me back to myself.
knew that I had a drug addiction.
I had a lot of jewelry and items
purpose that could not be polluted.
Yet, as I laid there God began to
I went to school, worked and got
I considered valuable, so I left
No matter how high I got, I always
speak to me. He said, “You better
my associate degree, all the time
my family alone. I just hawked
felt that my spiritual compass would
get it together.” Once I came to, I
keeping my dark secret hidden in
my own things. It was never in
not allow me to go just everywhere
knew my arms were too short to
the closet. I now realize that only
me to steal from anyone else. I
and do just anything. That spirit
box with God. Even though I had
God could have kept me during
hawked everything I could, without
of conviction pulled me up off that
changed my life, I had not changed
those dark days.
anyone being the wiser. I was what
bathroom floor, and made me
it enough. It was at this time that
I think one reason I did not go down
you call a closet crack addict. My
realize it was time for a conversion.
I started attending the church of a
the same path that so many other
parents didn’t even know about my
Before I could even dry myself off I
friend who was Full Gospel.
people have is that Allen was also in
addiction. The only person that I
knew the image of the woman in the
I joined the church the next Sunday,
the entertainment field. He had been
think might have been suspicious
mirror had to change.
and the following Wednesday I
a back-up singer for international
was my ex-mother-in-law.
I packed my kids up, put them
attended mid-week prayer service,
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45
which was held at noon. It was a sacrifice to attend this meeting because it was during my lunch time. Yet, I felt compelled to go. Although my Aunt Robin had never gone with me to noon-day service, on this particular day she decided to join me. We were both at the altar praying when a woman walked in the building. They called her Mother Lee. The way she walked with her shoulders back and her head erect you could tell she was on a mission. Her hair was as white as snow, and she had to be about 90 years old. Walking toward my aunt and me, she said, “I caught a cab this morning because the Lord told me that someone needs to be filled with the Holy Ghost.” She was almost shaking as she laid her warm, wrinkled hands on us. There was one thing for sure, this woman knew the Lord. Just one touch from the tip of her fingers and I hit the ground, speaking in tongues. To my surprise, I had been filled with the Holy Ghost. It was amazing that an elderly lady that I barely knew had steered me away from destruction, canceled my connection with crack, and helped me shake my addictive behavior. When that mother laid hands on me, she not only anointed my head, she touched my heart. Her touch had changed my taste buds to only desiring the things of God. God changed the meaning of crack for me. It no longer meant a drug substance, it now meant: Committed, Restored, Anointed, Converted, and Kept. From that moment on I began to seek the Lord with all my heart. I was no longer content with serving the Lord in a casual manner; I wanted Him to be my keeper. I stopped everything. I no longer smoked cigarettes. It was evident, after that mother laid hands on me, that the yoke of my addiction had been destroyed. I began to line myself up with the word of God. Everything that was in my life was pleasing to God, and from that day to this, I have walked with the Lord. I have gone from chasing crack to seeking my Savior. Now I am ready to share my story with the world because God literally took me to the lighthouse from the crack house. I have gone from dancing with darkness, to praising Him in unlimited light. God took the desire for drugs away from me, and He helped me understand the real meaning of crack beyond the common slang: rock cocaine. However, in the dictionary “crack” is defined as “A break in a surface”. And, so it is in the natural, it is in the spiritual. We all have some form of a crack. There has been something that has broken our surface: lust, pornography, molestation, adultery, fornication, jealousy, envy, pride, alcoholism, or abuse. It doesn’t matter what it is. There is something that has cracked what God’s designed for us. However, I am a living witness that God can heal you. Because I was caught in a vicious cycle, I know that the only power that can bring you from addiction and self-sabotaging behavior is a power higher than your own. All the time I was using drugs, I heard the expression, ‘Once a crack addict, always a crack addict’ because everyone knows that addictive behavior is so strong. Yet, that statement was wrong. The Bible states “Jesus replied, Very truly I tell you, and everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:34-36 (NIV) I know it is God’s desire that we all experience freedom. I had to realize that I no longer had to be a cell mate with the woman in the mirror. God had set me free, and he who the Son sets free is free indeed. “… and it shall come to pass in that day, that his burden shall be taken away from off thy shoulder, and his yoke from off thy neck, and the yoke shall be destroyed because of the anointing. (Isaiah 10:27) KJV
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GWENDOLYN TAYLOR (281) 996-7015
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health & wellness
physical
How does parental drug abuse affect children
There are no perfect parents. Even conscientious parents who seek to
or keep the house clean they would not be driven to drink or take drugs.
create the best possible home environment will make mistakes along
Unfortunately, children are only too willing to accept responsibility for the
the way and those mistakes will impact their children, just as they were
addiction of their parents.
influenced by their own parents. Does this mean that kids who grow up in a home where one or both parents abuse alcohol or drugs are doomed to
Negative Emotional Impact is a Reality
suffer and repeat the mistakes in their own lives? Thankfully not. It is always possible to break negative cycles. Nevertheless, living in a home with a
Even while kids join parents in blaming themselves for the family’s turmoil,
parent who abuses substances does create problems of which everyone
they also harbor deep resentment that their parent(s) are not willing to
should be aware.
overcome their problem out of love for their children. The double-edged sword of self-blame and anger against parents strikes deep. On top of
Drug/Alcohol Abuse Leads to Chaos in the Home
all the rest, children of substance abusing parents are often left alone for extended periods of time leading children to feel rejected and unimportant.
When even one parent in the home is abusing alcohol or drugs, the
Not surprisingly, children who grow up in such homes are more likely to
home is significantly more likely to exist in a state of uncertainty and even
experience anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and difficulty in forming
chaos. The orderliness and predictability that should make home a safe
adult relationships.
environment are often sacrificed to the parent’s addiction. Parents who abuse substances often experience severe mood swings leaving children
Thankfully, Most Overcome
to be unsure as to how mom or dad will be feeling/reacting on any given day. Household rules may be non-existent because the parent(s) simply
While the child who grows up in a home with a substance abusing parent
is not dependable enough to set them up and uphold them. This state of
experiences a range of negative impacts, it is not necessarily the case
uncertainty creates a deep sense of insecurity for children.
that he/she will abuse substances nor wind up with a gloomy future. It is always possible to break negative cycles. In fact, according to groups like
Kids Take Responsibility in More Ways Than One
Children of Alcoholics (COA) and Children of Substance Abusers (COSA), 75 percent of children form such homes do not abuse drugs or alcohol
Not only are expectations unclear and inconsistent, the lack of structure
themselves and through sheer determination manage to overcome the
often means that children are left to take on greater self-reliance. Children
deficiencies of their home life.
may be responsible for keeping the house picked up, preparing their own meals and caring for their younger brothers and sisters. Sadly, addicted parents often blame their children for their own problem saying that if only the kids would stop fighting among themselves, do better in school
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-www.promises.com
Principles of Effective Treatment Scientific research since the mid–1970s shows that treatment can help patients addicted to drugs stop using, avoid relapse, and successfully recover their lives. Based on this research, key principles have emerged that should form the basis of any effective treatment programs:
• • • • • •
Addiction is a complex but treatable disease that affects brain function and behavior. No single treatment is appropriate for everyone. Treatment needs to be readily available. Effective treatment attends to multiple needs of the individual, not just his or her drug abuse. Remaining in treatment for an adequate period of time is critical. Counseling—individual and/or group—and other behavioral therapies are the most commonly
•
used forms of drug abuse treatment. Medications are an important element of treatment for many patients, especially when combined with counseling and other behavioral
•
therapies. An individual’s treatment and services plan must be assessed continually and modified as necessary to ensure that it meets his or her
• •
changing needs. Many drug–addicted individuals also have other mental disorders. Medically assisted detoxification is only the first stage of addiction treatment and by itself does
• • Substance abuse is a common problem in families involved with the child welfare system. There is increasing awareness that the abuse of drugs or alcohol by parents and other caregivers can have a negative impact on the safety, permanence, and
little to change long–term drug abuse. Treatment does not need to be voluntary to be effective. Drug use during treatment must be monitored continuously, as lapses during treatment do
•
occur. Treatment programs should assess patients
well-being of children and families. Because so many child welfare cases involve
for the presence of HIV/AIDS, hepatitis B and
substance abuse, child welfare agencies have begun to use a range of strategies
C, tuberculosis, and other infectious diseases
to prevent and treat substance abuse in families, improving outcomes for children
as well as provide targeted risk–reduction
and families.
counseling to help patients modify or change behaviors that place them at risk of contracting or spreading infectious diseases. Outspoken Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
49
50
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speaking of gifts LADY C MAKEUP ARTISTRY
“
Cheryl Black-Fitzpatrick began her love for makeup and face art in elementary school when she would “makeup” her dolls faces rather than play with them. That went on to saving her lunch money for $1 makeup at the local drugstores while in Middle and High School. She has sat under the tutelage of great makeup artist, lover of SAM FINE and Kevin Aucoin’s work and is a YouTube fanatic for new trends. Cheryl is also a women’s empowerment facilitator, she enjoys teaching women about their true beauty inside and out! She is available for photoshoots, makeovers, special events, commercials, video shoots, and more; best of all Chery is willing travel.
HOW TO REACH HER LADY C MAKEUP ARTISTRY 409-656-9537 FB contact: Cheryl Black-Fitzpatrick and Lady C Makeup Artistry PO BOX 11054 BEAUMONT TX 77710 Email: cherylblack7@hotmail.com and follow me on Twitter: cheryl_fitz and IG: CHERYLBLACKFITZ
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health & wellness
financial
Credit reports -- and the credit score derived from the information in those reports -are a critical part of consumers’ financial lives, whether they’re hoping to purchase a car, obtain a car loan, or even get approved for a cellphone plan. A person’s creditworthiness
determines
how much credit they’ll be granted, and at what interest rates. However, the study found that fewer than 1 in 5 people obtain either free or paid copies of their credit report. Under the Fair Credit Reporting Act, consumers have free access to their credit reports
The Most Important Item in Your Credit Report - Molly McCluskey
A person’s credit card usage is the single most important factor in establishing their
from the major bureaus through annualcreditreport.com. Also, people who are turned down for credit based on their credit reports, or those who have been victims of identity theft, are automatically entitled to a free copy of their credit report. Frequent monitoring of credit reports can uncover errors that may be affecting your creditworthiness, as well as spot credit or identity theft fraud. Those who notice errors that possibly affect their credit rating can dispute them with the credit bureaus, or directly with the original bank, mortgage provider, or other lender that sent the agency the information.
credit, according to a new study released Thursday from the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.
The study found that nearly 32 million to 38 million disputes were filed in 2011, with nearly 40 percent of those disputes relating to
The study analyzed data from the largest reporting agencies and found that “credit
debt collections. Most of the disputes filed with the credit reporting
card history dominates the information in credit reports.”
agencies are passed back to the original lender for resolution.
The reporting agencies -- Equifax (EFX), Experian, and TransUnion -- each have
Consumers worried about potential identity theft can opt to
more than 200 million files on customers, which are updated monthly. More than
freeze their credit reports, which will block new credit inquiries,
half of the updates come from credit card companies, with 40 percent of the
by the consumer or anyone else, until the freeze is temporarily or
information on credit furnished to the reporting agencies coming from bank, or
permanently lifted. A credit freeze won’t interrupt the regular use
general use, credit cards, and 18 percent from retail, or specialty store, credit
of banking accounts or credit cards. Laws governing credit report
cards. Mortgages and auto loans play a significantly smaller role, 7 percent and 4
freezing are managed at the state level, and fees, often nominal,
percent, respectively.
vary by state.
Most of the information supplied to the credit reporting agencies (also called
www.dailyfinance.com
bureaus) is done by a handful of the largest banks and other financial institutions.
Motley Fool contributor Molly McCluskey writes about personal
Have You Looked at Your Report Lately?
finance, investing and budget travel.
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unspeakable things UNSPEAKABLE THINGS – Man boy love? …Seriously? Unspeakable things highlights issues that the publisher finds personally appalling and often too bizarre or exceptionally controversial. These unspeakable things are not necessarily the views of our sponsors, supporters or contributors. Male Survivor of sexual abuse, www.malesurvivor.org, www.Gems-Girls. org www.ascasupport.org and www.outspokenmagazine.org are only a few of the organizations that fight for the protection of children, prevention of child abuse and the recovery of adults traumatized by childhood sexual assault. We work to right the sexual wrongs done to children and we speak against their victimization. Consequences for sexual crimes are becoming more stringent and through child abuse prevention campaigns, we have all become more aware, more active participants in preserving the innocence of our youth. So how is it that an organization named NAMbLA, www. nambla.org is allowed to exist? NAMbLA, is the acronym for North American Man boy Love Association. Notice the b is in lowercase to underscore the message of the boy component of the relationship. NAMbLA’s basic mission is to remove the legal age of sexual consent making it acceptable for them to enjoy ‘love’ relations with young boys. They denounce what they term, ageism and intend to abolish age of consent laws that classify sex with children as rape. NAMbLA claims to be strongly opposed to age of consent laws and all other restrictions which deny men and boys the full enjoyment of their bodies and control over their own lives. As stated on their website, ‘We help educate society about the positive and beneficial nature of man/boy love.’ So watch out parents! Your little sons are not safe when pedophiles get to exercise their American liberties possibly right next door to you or even in your own home. NAMbLA members complain about the ‘criminal injustice’ imposed upon them through forced therapies, extreme sentencing of jail time and lifetime registration and community notification laws. They say the system needlessly destroys the lives of thousands of men and boys each year with impossible terms for parole, as sex offenders for something as simple as a touching the leg of a teenaged boy even if the boy asked for it. And they are able to advance their agenda with the support of the ACLU which represents them pro bono declaring that they have the right of freedom of speech. All this, while saying, ‘One nation under God’ is forbidden in school, as one writer puts it and calls NAMbLA and ACLU are a match in hell. This perverted organization explains man boy love as the love of a man for a boy and of a boy for a man. But don’t get it twisted! This is love not without
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financial
sex. This is a love they describe as enjoyable, consensual and beautiful. It is that deep spiritual affection that is as pure as it is perfect. It is the noblest form of affection. The love that dare not speak its name is how Oscar Wilde puts it. Apparently, too, their membership list is fiercely protected. If they are so proud of their mission, why hide the membership list, and why hide behind website? They screen their correspondences so carefully; questions are pre-answered on the site in their frequently asked questions segment. Furthering their doctrine, they list 15 famous men who loved boys. They also have testimonies from young boys they have corrupted to defy their parents authority. One boy says of his adult male lover, “He treats me like an adult, not like my parents treat me.” Adult men are wooing our babies with gifts, and favors and sooth sayings in the name of love; luring them away from their originality and and destroying them for life. Killing them with love? How are we allowing this to happen? One of my first questions when I first learned of NAMbLA was, who funds this association? But I already knew that like Toddlers & Tiaras, in their protected membership, there are affluent and highly influential individuals and possibly corporations who passionately dump thousands of dollars in the laps of twisted pedophiles to facilitate the shameless exploitation of our children. NAMbLA is so brazen, it is an established nonprofit which means our government gives it tax exempt status. Our government is therefore aware of NAMbLA’s operations so why are they prospering in America when we are supposed to have strict child protection laws in place to protect children? And as they use their ample donations and other benefits to expand their online presence, they make appealswon for help, memberships and more donations. Sadly, they do get all the responses they need by way or articles, emails personal stories, membership and especially dollars to successfully grow their organization. What am I missing here? Clearly, I am missing something and promise to ask more questions, and dig deeper until I understand how this association has a right to flourish among us. Beyond that though, as hard as Rachel Lloyd works to prevent trafficking of girls, what should we look for next, woman/girl love or an organization asking for a dissolvent of the age limit so any adult can have sex with any child? God, forbid it! As publisher of this magazine, I also forbid any of you reading this to form any ideas about having man boy love relations with people’s innocent children. More than enough sex is available with adults; leave our innocent babies alone!
IS THE PUNISHMENT EVEN ADEQUATE? A California woman who had sex with her biological son was sentenced Wednesday to four years and eight months in NAPA County Superior Court according to the Napa Valley Register. A 32 year old woman who had been estranged from her son since he was 2 years old tracked him down on Facebook in 2011. She began to send him multiple inappropriate messages and nude photos. At some point the two began an intimate relationship while she taped some of the sex scenes between her and her biological son. A tip from relatives of the boy led police to catch Atkinson in a hotel with her son.
distribution of lewd material to a minor.
Mistie Rebecca Atkinson, pleaded no contest in May to incest, oral copulation, lewd contact with a minor and
Atkinson pleaded with the court for leniency, saying she never intended to become intimate with her son. “I don’t feel like I should have the charge of incest because there is something called genetic attraction that is a very powerful (phenomenon) that happens to 50 percent of people becoming reunited with a long lost relative,” she wrote in her letter to the judge. She was sentenced to 4 years and 8 month in prison. With one teenage scarred for life, would you say the punishment for this crime is adequate? Is this enough years to pay for her indiscretion? This lady will spend a few years in jail…and then what? Will she be ordered to register as a sex offender? Will she receive help so she won’t re-offend? Outspoken Magazine
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it
responsibility ’s your
to teach
Teaching children about abuse is important because there are different types of child abuse and many people don’t realize that. Children tend to not say anything when they are being abused weather it is sexual, physical, emotional or even mental. If a child is being abused they need to tell some one right away. Talk to them and explain to them that is not their fault. Listed below some of the different types of abuse and how you and your child can handle the situation correctly if it should arise.
Teaching Children About Different Kinds of Abuse
1 •
Physical abuse - You may see burns, cuts, scratches, bruises. Tell them if they talk about it they will not get hurt for telling. Physical abuse may make a child reluctant to tell though because the abuser may threaten more harm if the child tells anyone. The external scarring from this is bad but the internal scarring may never go away unless you talk to your kids as soon as you can about this.
2 •
Mental abuse - This is where someone is telling a child mean and nasty things, and putting them down for everything they do. Whether it is about the child or someone else it is not good for them to hear these kinds of negative things. Other derogatory comments made towards a child such as insults pertaining to their appearance, their intelligence and their abilities all comprise mental abuse, and may also be considered emotional abuse. The worst consequence of mental abuse is that the child begins to believe that the abuse is justified, that they deserve to be insulted and verbally mistreated. It is important when disciplining a child that your criticism is constructive, regardless of your adult role in their life.
3 •
Emotional abuse - Similar to mental abuse, and in some cases abuse can be simultaneously mental and emotional. This kind of abuse involves manipulating a child’s emotions for whatever reason. An example of manipulating a child’s emotions, and one that may be considered abuse, is to get them excited about
teach
children your
abuse about
something they want, and then tell them they aren’t going to get it. The child is made happy, and then their little dreams are crushed. It is one thing to tell a child that their not going to get something they want as a means of punishment, it is another to get them excited about something, to the point that they are expecting it, and then take it away.
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Sexual abuse - Sadly enough, most child sexual abuse comes from people close to them. It could be a friend, family member, or authority figure. Obviously, sexual abuse is anything that involves touching of private areas in a sexual nature. It is different than, for example, a mother bathing her young child. But sexual abuse also includes any unwanted physical contact of a sexual nature. So, a hug could be considered sexual abuse, depending on the nature of the hug. So as an adult, you must be careful not to misconstrue your physical contact with a child. If they misinterpret your body language, they may feel as if they have sexually abused, and the problem is, they don’t understand it. So it is possible to inadvertently sexually abuse a child without even knowing it! For any children that may read this, understand that if an adult touches you in a way that makes you feel strange, immediately say NO! And if you still feel strange about it after wards, tell someone. You are not going to get in trouble. You have a right to not be touched by anyone except your parents, teachers, and nurses or doctors. Even then, if you feel strange or weird about the way they touched you, you should still tell someone.
All of these issues need to be talked about with your children as soon as you can possibly do so. It is your responsibility to make sure you teach your children about abuse. The most important thing to understand is that you need to communicate to your child that if something like this happens, it is not their fault, and you will take care of them should something happen.
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• 90% of children from violent homes witness their fathers beating their mothers • 63 % of all boys, age 11-20, who commit murder, killed the man who was abusing their mother • Children in homes where violence occurs are physically abused or neglected 1500% more than the national average. • Research has shown that the more severe the mother is abused, the worse the child is abused. • Nationally, 75% of battered women say their children are physically or sexually abused. • Daughters of abused women are six times more likely to be abused than girls of non abusive families. • Research has shown that 13 of 20 incestuous fathers were also physically violent to their wives and family members. • More than half of the child abductions in this country occur in the context of domestic violence. • Approximately 3.3 million children witness domestic violence in their homes each year. Child victims of severe violence have two to four times higher rate of trouble making friends, temper tantrums, failing grades in school, problems at school and at home. Abused children are arrested by the police four times more than non abused children. Source:turningpointservices.org
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Fatherhood Matters
a message to men How can one say he loves something, yet doesn’t care for that very thing? Dads please be cognizant of the positive impact you have or can have on your children. Many statistics have pointed toward fathers being the abusers of children. Yet I want to focus on some of the abuse fathers subject their children to by not being in his/her life. Since this month’s issue deals with various child abuse crimes and matters, let us take a look at the impact fathers have on children when it comes to abuse.
What is child abuse?
Real Men Real Fathers
Welcome to Real Men, Real Fathers - a column that deals with real issues that real men encounter as they journey through fatherhood. We cover many issues, even the ones some are afraid to speak about. Here at Real Men, Real Fathers it is my hope that we will deal with all issues that affect us as fathers, because it is necessary for us to grow and heal. I look forward to sharing with you! Happy New Year! Let me start by saying “Happy New Year” to you all. I must admit, I am excited about what 2013 has in store. This is a year filled with many opportunities and choices. As fathers, my earnest desire is that you – we as men – make the best choices possible for the sake of our children this year. May we protect them with love as mighty as the love a mother possesses from the moment she knows she is with child. In order for that type of love to impact your child, it requires you to have an active role in your child’s life. By having an active role in your child’s life you give them the positive reinforcement they need. Your presence even helps cultivate your child’s self-esteem. Now, allow me to say this – just because you are under the same roof with your children does not mean you are active in their life. You do not want to be just a body at the house that simply provides and does not interact with his family. Strive not to be physically present yet emotionally absent. For you fathers who are no longer with the mother of your child, you are still obligated to that child. I know I didn’t have to say that, however, but perhaps one or two readers needed a refresher course.
The Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA) (P.L. 93-247) defines child abuse and neglect as any “recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caretaker that results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse, or exploitation” of a child under the age of 18; or, “an act or failure to act that presents imminent risk or serious harm” to a child. Abuse is often labeled into four categories: • Physical Abuse includes punching, beating, kicking, biting or shaking a child. • Sexual Abuse refers to any sexual contact with a child, the simulation of such conduct with a child, exposing a child to sexually explicit material or conduct. • Child Neglect is a failure to provide for a child’s basic needs for health care, food, clothing, adult supervision, education, and nurturing. • Psychological maltreatment refers to behavior such as ridiculing, terrorizing, corrupting, or denying affection to a child. The abuse and neglect of children can affect them for a lifetime. The abuse can cause children to have problems establishing healthy relationships with a companion or even their own children. Abuse can also lead children down a path of drug and alcohol addiction, as well as a host of other negative issues. According to the National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect, those children growing up without their father actively participating in their lives are at a 77% greater risk of experiencing some form of abuse. Knowing that your mere presence reduces the risk of your child experiencing some form of abuse should make you want to work even harder at being a more committed dad. For those who have daughters, your constant guidance will help her understand her self-worth. She will understand what a real man looks for and expects from a woman. You also show her what a real man consists of, because she will have you as the example. By helping shape her character with your wisdom and knowledge, you drastically decrease the chance of her looking towards random men for guidance and validation. You are the man who must fill her tank with positive and poignant affirmations. The first man your daughter will ever love is you. Outspoken Magazine
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In 2010 according to the U.S. government, 53.6% of abuse and neglect cases were females. Over half of the 53% grew up without a father. Boys are not immune to the horrible sting of abuse, either. Men, it is your duty to teach your son to be a man. Who better to learn from than you? You have to be a walking living example of what a real man is to be; for you have traveled down the road he is traveling. If you are not there to teach him, you run the risk of society heavily influencing him in a negative way, confusing and diluting the very essence of manhood. A lot of male sexual abuse victims are young boys who have no active father figure in their lives. The child is alone for some predator to come disguised as your local civic leader only to abuse them mentally and physically. Or, the local coach who realizes your son has little to no parental involvement, thus making him the perfect target for some type of abuse. Dads you are needed. Never think that you do not count. The society we live in today makes it difficult for two parents to raise a child. So fathers let us step up and do even more than we did last year when it comes to our involvement with our children. I truly believe all parties will benefit from a little extra from dad. As we discussed, there are several different types of abuse. Teach your children the signs of abuse, and most of all make sure they understand it is okay for them to talk to you – make your children comfortable in that fact. If they are not comfortable talking to you, let them know to find someone they are comfortable with and talk them. Abuse is already painful enough, why suffer more by being silent? For more information and assistance call The National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-Child. All calls are anonymous and confidential. Contributing writer, Martin Henderson is the executive director for Fatherhood Matters Incorporated and author of the book “Fatherhood: A Message to Men�. Henderson travels as a motivational speaker educating and inspiring men across the country. For information go to www.fatherhoodmattersinc.com. 1.866.785.8911 Martin Henderson
Escape the Cold: A Warm-Weather Destination for the Winter Months
a lighter note
At this point in the season we’re all more than ready for some sun and high temperatures. You only need to check your friends’ Facebook statuses to know that you’re not the only one who’s feeling a little cranky about the recent cold snap. Heading to Miami, or an island in the Caribbean, may be the easiest way to escape the winter chills. But we tend to forget that the U.S.’s winter season can be the best moment to visit tons of great destinations in the Southern Hemisphere and just above the Costa Rica can be anything from a peaceful oasis to a crowded and touristy spot depending on the Equator, where the sunny, warm days are in full time of the year and the region visited — but it’s still far less developed than most popular beach swing and the dry season starts to kick in. Whether destinations such as Mexico and the Caribbean. December through April is the best time to visit, you’re looking to trek to the top of a volcano or as rainfall drops to a minimum, and days are long and sunny. The country is home to hundreds of
discover historic sites in a big city, we’ve got the diverse habitats, making it easy to enjoy beach days, eco-tourism, and outdoor adventures all in the destination for you. Check out our top picks for same trip, and without having to travel long distances. The geography is infinitely varied, ranging from escaping the cold, and start packing!
rugged coastlines and bustling towns to misty forests and active volcanoes.
A staple in the beautiful Manuel Antonio resort area, the 58-room Si Como No is carefully built into a lush hillside, which means great views and winding paths surrounded by colorful flowers and wildlife. The amenities are a main draw here: two pools, two restaurants, a spa, a movie theater, and a wildlife refuge across the street. Unplugged rooms aren’t particularly luxurious, but you’ll want to be spending your time outdoors anyways. For more information about other fabulous destinations visit Caroline’’s piece on the Oysterblog at www.oyster.com
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RESOURCES Adult Survivors of Child Abuse www.ascasupport.org www.naasca.org
Mental Health/Illness www.nami.org www.nmha.org
Child Abuse www.childabuse.org www.childabuse.org
Pornography Addiction www.pornographyaddiction.com
Eating Disorders www.nationaleatingdisorders.org Drug Addiction www.treatmentalternatives.com/GetHelp www.drugabuse.gov www.ncadd.org
Self Esteem www.self-esteem-experts.com Self injury www.victimsofcrime.org www.selfinjury.com Sex Addiction www.saa-recovery.org
Homelessness www.hhs.gov/homeless
Sexual Assault www.rainn.org
Hunger www.wfp.org/hunger
Stalking www.stalkingawarenessmonth.org
Kleptomania www.healthinmind.com Male Survivors of sexual abuse www.malesurvior.org www.1in6.org
To list your organization, call 713.445.6880 or email walexander@ outspokenmagazine.org.
Why are we Outspoken?
We believe in truth that will make you free. We bring awareness to the truth of the long term often life long effects of abuse. We believe in placing blame where it rightfully belongs; not for condemnation but for accountability, in effort to break the cycle. We believe that every life has purpose. We believe anyone can accomplish great things with just a little support and we believe we have been called to offer some of that support.
ASCAR Centers International Inc.
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