Outwords 216 fall 2015 by Outwords

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OutWords // Index

EDUCATIONAL EXPLORATION FEATURE

WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT ACCESSING SPERM FEATURE

RAISING KIDS GENDER-FREE FEATURE

PARENTHOOD COMES IN ALL FORMS EDITORIAL

07 08

OUTWORDS NEWS

NAVIGATING TRANS PREGNANCY

18 20

RAISING KIDS AS ALLIES

THE FUNNY ART OF MOTHERHOOD FEATURE

CHALLENGES OF A NONBIOLOGICAL PARENT FEATURE

COVER STORY

TALES FROM A STEPPARENT

FEATURE

A LOOK AT LOCAL FEMINIST ART ARTIST PROFILE

FEATURE

KEEPING THE SPARK AS A PARENT BETWEEN THE SHEETS

RYAN MILLER AND ADAM WICKSTROM’S CUSTOM HOME AT HOME WITH…

Fall 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 3

OutWords // Editorial

Editorial

Beyond giving birth By Danelle Cloutier

few months ago my family was sitting around the dinner table when my brother and sisterin-law announced that they will be having a baby. When they told us the news, we all had tears in our eyes and we shared hugs and asked standard questions, such as what they will name the baby and when my sister-in-law is due.

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Thinking about how cute it will be to read to the baby, play with it (we don’t know the sex yet) and babysit, got me thinking about my future kids and specifically, how I would have them. I’ll admit it’s discouraging that my partner and I can’t just make a baby together— there will always be a third person who’s providing us with a key ingredient that’s wasted on bed sheets without a thought of the complications some people go through to access sperm. How that person will play into our lives, I don’t know yet, and it likely won’t be easy to figure that out. We’re surrounded by stories and images of straight, cisgender moms who easily get pregnant with their perfect, straight, cisgender male partners and have healthy, happy babies with no complications, such as finding a surrogate, finding sperm, figuring out who

has rights to the child and what the kid should call each person involved in the birth. In reality, there are few people, even cis straight couples, who can identify with that. Many people become parents in different ways—whether it’s through adoption, insemination, stepparenting, a surrogate or another way. Working on this issue of OutWords confirmed that parenthood comes in so many different forms and ultimately, being a parent goes far beyond giving birth. We had the pleasure of talking to people in our community who have, or are, navigating the complications, rewards and downsides of parenthood; for people in Winnipeg, like Sandra Sanchez, that accurately describes her experience. In this issue, she tells us about the complications of finding a sperm donor in the United States, the rewards of hearing her son say “I love you” and the frustrations of her son puking in the middle of Costco.

OutWords // Editorial

PUBLISHED BY THE OUTWORDS VOLUNTEER STAFF: SENIOR PRINT EDITOR : Danelle Cloutier ASSISTANT EDITOR: Alana Trachenko

Some GLBT* people unexpectedly become parents when they enter a relationship with someone who has a kid, which is what Kacey Fields did, only to confirm that she really doesn’t want kids. Make sure you read our cover story about the struggles some local trans people have gone through to give birth. Charlie Primeau and Trevor highlight that pregnancy is hyper-feminized and shouldn’t be—just because someone is pregnant doesn’t mean they’re suddenly a woman when they don’t identify as that. A while after I found out I’m going to be an aunty, I started to worry about what my brother and sister-in-law would teach their kid about the GLBT* community. How will they tell the kid that my partner isn’t my sister or friend? When’s

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the right time for my family to teach them about GLBT* people? Luckily they won’t be the only couple considering these questions. Many straight, cis parents are making their kids allies. Later in this issue, you can hear what some of those couples are teaching their kids so they grow up supporting the GLBT* community. The stories in this issue are just a small insight into GLBT* parents in our community. We admit this issue doesn’t tackle every aspect of queer parenting and we’re lacking gay men with kids, a gap we’ll fill in later issues. If you have any stories about parenting that you would like to share, we would love to hear them. Contact us on Facebook, Twitter or by emailing editor@outwords.ca. We hope you enjoy this issue.

… this issue of OutWords confirmed that parenthood comes in many different forms and ultimately, being a parent goes far beyond giving birth.”

PHOTO EDITOR: Elizabeth D’Alessio SENIOR ONLINE EDITOR : Meg Crane SOCIAL MEDIA EDITOR : Miles McEnery ART DIRECTOR & LAYOUT: Michele Buchanan BOOK KEEPER: Christy Elias DISTRIBUTION: Terry Wiebe WEB MANAGER: Vic Hooper SALES MANAGER: Daniel Heck COVER: Photo by Elizabeth D’Alessio CONTRIBUTORS TO THIS ISSUE: Meg Crane, Katy MacKinnon, Larkin Schmiedl, Alana Trachenko BOARD OF DIRECTORS: Rachel Morgan, Darrel Nadeau, Caedemon Malowany, Williie Wile, Nancy Renwick OutWords 170 Scott St. Winnipeg, MB R3L OL3 Voice-mail (204) 942-4599 General nquiries: info@outwords.ca Editor: editor@outwords.ca Layout: creative@outwords.ca Advertising: sales@outwords.ca Distribution: distribution@outwords.ca Accounts: billing@outwords.ca Event submissions: calendar@outwords.ca Letters submissions: letters@outwords.ca Website: www.outwords.ca OutWords provides news, analysis and entertainment for the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, two-spirit and queer community and its allies.GST 89671 7618RT, ISSN 1715-5606 (print) ISSN 1715-5614 (online) Canada Post Publication Licence 416 99032, Contents copyright © 2015 OutWords. Alll rights reserved. Articles are not necessarily the views of the staff, management, or board. We accept no liability for our advertisers’ claims.

Fall 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 5

OutWords // News

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Fall 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 7

OutWords // Cover Story

unFeminine Pregnancy By Meg Crane

The Beauty of Trans Pregnancy

Pregnancy is an experience the mainstream identifies as an experience of cis-women. But what about trans-men? Non-binary folks? Or even cis-women who aren’t into flowers and pink? It can be a difficult experience for those who don’t fit into the typical ideal of a pregnant person.

harlie Primeau says there is no model for how to be pregnant, other than as a feminine experience. This was not helpful for them when they were trying to stay clothed during pregnancy. “I wasn’t presenting myself in a way that felt honest to me,” says Primeau. They say clothing designers don’t take into account that not everyone who is pregnant wants to fit into that narrow view of feminine pregnancy and accentuate their breasts, hips and belly with their clothing. “It was really hard to navigate feeling and looking very female and feminine and having that change the way people treat me,” says Primeau, whose body changed during pregnancy so they could not hide their curves. People were also making assumptions about their gender. “On top of that you have the hormones and you feel really sick and awful and your entire life is changing,” says Primeau. Despite not feeling their best, Primeau took the opportunity to educate people about issues surrounding sex and gender, speaking with them about how their assumptions were not correct. Folks were also making some pretty incorrect assumptions about Trevor, who has a four-year-old, eight-month-old and a “fantastic partner.” “Even before I was visibly pregnant in any way, some people started using female pronouns for me even though they had known me as male for quite some time. One person said, ‘If you give birth,

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Trevor and his baby, Lila.

order to get pregnant, he still had facial hair and a deep voice. To strangers, Trevor didn’t look pregnant; he looked like a large man. And he had no problem with that. Trevor’s beautiful children are keeping him busy, but he is still making time to reach out to other trans-men who are considering childbirth and nursing. He runs a blog, www.milkjunkies.net, and a Facebook group, Birthing and Breastfeeding Transmen and Allies. “I am currently working on a project with a nurse researcher, Dr. Joy NoelWeiss, at the University of Ottawa, in order to explore the health needs of trans-men around this topic: Transmasculine Individuals’ Experiences with Pregnancy, Birth and Feeding Their

It was really hard to navigate feeling and looking very female and feminine and having that change the way people treat me.”

then you are a mom,’” says Trevor. “I had to teach people that my gender identity had not changed.” While this was the reaction of some colleagues and acquaintances, close friends and family were nothing but supportive. “My parents and my partners’ parents were all really, really happy,” says Trevor. Trevor does not view pregnancy and birth as inherently feminine activities. While he stopped taking hormones in

Newborns: A Qualitative Study,” says Trevor. The study is being funded by the Canadian Institute of Health Research Institute of Gender and Health. The mainstream image of pregnancy has been very feminized, but parents like Primeau and Trevor are carving a space for alternative pregnant identities. Meg Crane is the online editor for OutWords and the founding editor of Cockroach.

OutWords // Feature

Lessons in Step-Parenting By Alana Trachenko

Kacey Fields. Photo by Alana Trachenko.

aving kids is something many same-sex couples work towards for months and years. In the last decade or so, the options have opened up significantly for couples who can’t conceive on their own. But not everyone is meant to be a parent. “There’s such a stigma attached to being a woman that doesn’t want children, gay or not,” says Kacey Fields. She says that she never pictured herself with kids, but that changed when she began to date a woman who had a young daughter. “When we met, I knew she was a mom,” says Fields. “At the beginning of a relationship, you think, I like this person. Why not? I can do this.” Fields and her partner dated for six years, during which time she never felt quite like a stepmom. For Fields, it felt like an opportunity to see what parenting was like without giving birth, which she always knew she didn’t want to do. “Everybody says you see it differently because you’re not the biological parent, but I don’t think that argument is valid at all,

because plenty of kids are adopted,” she says. “There’s plenty of people out there who have non-biological children who are really good parents and everything is just fine.”

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was little, she would call me, ‘my Kacey,’ but that stopped,” she says. “She had a mom, a dad and grandparents. We never pushed for me to be called ‘mom’ or anything.” Tired of living in a Manitoba Housing building, Fields began to think about going to university. “At the time, it seemed so far away and so unachievable,” says Fields. “September 2007 is when I started school and by January 2008, we were separated. University kind of opened things up for me and I realized, I don’t have to have this life.” Fields has put to rest the idea that maybe, deep down, she is supposed to be a parent. “Now I can look back and say that I tried it. Maybe it could have turned out differently with someone else,” she says. “But I think I’m just not that type of person.” Despite the pressures that all women face when it comes to kids, some don’t feel that parenting is the life that they want. Fields and her partner discussed

She had a mom, a dad and grandparents. We never pushed for me to be called ‘mom’ or anything.”

But it was never comfortable for her to take on that parent role. At 20, Fields found herself living a life that seemed to belong to someone older—daycare, mini-van, white picket fence, dogs. “It’s strange to think back on this other life,” says Fields. At the same time, Fields and her partner tried to keep up with their friends, who didn’t understand the responsibilities of raising a child and were more interested in partying. The tension between the two lifestyles was always present. During the relationship, Fields was never sure where she fit in. “When she

their plans for when the kid would turn 18 and they would be free to do what they wanted, but Fields says that felt wrong. “I’m in my 30s, and I still call my mom all the time just to talk. You never stop being a parent.” Fields says that if it’s something you don’t really want, it won’t necessarily get easier or feel right as time goes on. It’s one of the hardest jobs there is, she says. “Every parent is going to make some mistakes, but what if you really fuck it up? I avoid all blame,” Fields says with a laugh. Alana Trachenko is a Winnipeg-based freelance writer who’s excited to be an aunty.

Fall 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 9

OutWords // Feature

Educational Exploration By Meg Crane

Winnipeg’s school for alternative learning

Bethany Beaudry, the founder of Inspired Explorations Learning. Photo by Meg Crane.

Can you imagine a school where wandering outside and looking at trees is built into the day? Bethany Beaudry can. “We’re going to go outside and we’re going to explore trees. We’re going to look at trees, we’re going to climb trees, we’re going to touch trees, we’re maybe going to sketch trees,” says Beaudry. From there, she sees where the students take it. A student may notice an ant, which could spark a discussion about how other living creatures use trees. Suddenly, students are learning that trees aren’t just fun to climb, trees are homes.

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This is something she did with children in her Grade 3 public school class. Since then, she’s resigned to create a school that it based around experiences like this. The school is called Inspired Explorations Learning. Another feature of the school—which will have a one-to-10, teacher-to-student ratio—is it will allow students to choose to sit out on activities.

“We often think we know best for children, or more. But, they know. The thing is, we’re taking away their inner understanding of who they are, what they enjoy, what they like,” says Beaudry. “There are a lot of kids who say, ‘I don’t see the value in basketball, I don’t want to do that.’ Yet, they’re forced to do that because they’re forced to conform,” says Beaudry. At Inspired Explorations Learning, the teacher will have

a discussion with the student about why they don’t want to participate, but they won’t be forced to. “We’re a holistic-based school that basically allows children’s interests and passions to be the core of the curriculum,” says Beaudry. The school will provide experiences for children that peak their specific interests, but that also introduce them to new things. “My job is to look at that experience and say, ‘OK, so what in the LA did we hit? What kind of outcomes are we looking at in the curriculum? What did we meet in math? What did we meet in science? And within the experience, really listening to children and what they’re saying about their experiences.” This is instead of having worksheets and separating the subjects. Parents who submit an application will go through an informal interview process to make sure that parents are on the same page as staff. Part of this is to ensure that the school is a safe space for everyone, including the GLBT* students and parents. “For me, I’m looking forward to being comfortable as a teacher to be out with my children, to my students,” says Beaudry. In the past, she’s been concerned about parents seeing photos of her with her partner and being upset.

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We’re a holistic-based school that basically allows children’s interests and passions to be the core of the curriculum.”

The students will also be allowed to be who they are. Beaudry says students’ pronouns of choice will be respected. “It’s about embracing all families,” says Beaudry. She plans to have discussions about pronouns and transgender people, and have gender-neutral washrooms available. “Kids are going to be honoured for who they are,” says Beaudry. The Inspired Explorations Learning school is not yet open and a location has not been confirmed. Beaudry is looking for a central venue where 17 students between kindergarten and Grade 3 can kick off the

first school year in September 2016. As a private school, tuition will be charged, but Beaudry wants the school to be open to people from all economic backgrounds, so fundraisers are being held to raise money to help support students from families who can’t afford the $6,000 fee. More information and details about fundraising initiatives are available at www. inspiredexplorationslearning. com

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OutWords // Feature

seeking the magic ingredient By Larkin Schmiedl

esbian partners, non-romantic co-parents, polyamorous family networks, trans-masculine pregnancy and single parenting are just some of the queer family structures who will seek sperm when they decide to make children part of their lives. Because of a cultural history favouring chosen families, there is often openness in GLBT* culture toward creating new family forms. Some of these we’re just developing language for. Sometimes genetic relationships are significant, and sometimes they’re not. For many queer parents-to-be, planning a pregnancy needs to be thought through ahead of time since it won’t happen by accident. So how do queer parents who need sperm get started? There are legal issues, relationships and roles to define, costs, and preferences to consider. The two basic routes to acquiring sperm are through either a sperm bank or a known donor. “Unknown donor sperm is often seen as desirable because it allows lesbians to parent with autonomy and security,” writes Joanna Radbord in her paper GLBT Familes and Assisted Reproductive Technologies. Radbord is a Toronto-based lawyer who has won awards for her focus on GLBT* legal equality. She says this is the route most lesbian partners take. While it does protect the parents legally, unknown donor sperm is costly and sometimes ineffective. Further, there’s a shortage of ethnically-diverse donors in the Canadian sperm pool because of how the system’s set up.

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Sperm from known donors provides less legal security to the parents and the donor, but is a do-it-yourself route many prospective queer parents are choosing. Although some believe there is a legal risk of prosecution with selfinsemination, Health Canada has stated the intention of the Assisted Human Reproduction Act, which governs these activities, does not intend government involvement in the private matter of home insemination. “If it’s a classic turkey baster at-home insemination, no one’s ever been prosecuted for that and I don’t imagine that anybody would be,” says Karen Busby, professor in the faculty of law at the University of Manitoba. Busby’s work focuses on GLBT* legal issues and she’s been key in shaping the province’s laws on same-sex relationships, which are the most comprehensive in North America. Her advice to people using known donors is, “Make sure you talk as much as possible with the known donor about what expectations are and then see a lawyer to write up an agreement.” She refers to such agreements as “arrangements,” and is clear that what they do is express the intentions of the parties involved. Without consulting a lawyer, she says, people are unlikely to cover all of the issues they need to. But if push comes to shove and there’s a legal dispute, this contract is not what’s going to determine a judge’s decision. In family law, a court will never ask the question, ‘What were the contractual arrangements?’ The court will always ask

the question instead, ‘What’s in the best interest of the child?’ says Busby. A Montreal donor, who wishes to remain anonymous for the sake of the couple he’s helping, did just this and drew up an agreement in consultation with lawyers and the couple. “The idea was for me to give up all rights and responsibilities to the extent that the law makes that possible,” he says. “The parents, i.e. not me, will have full freedom—they’ll be considered the legal parents, they’ll have custody, they’ll be allowed to move with the child if they want to, they’ll cover all the costs.” Interestingly, a known donor is technically unable to give up child support rights because it falls under the rights of the child. And although technically issues could arise, Busby points out many people using known donors don’t have agreements drawn up, and most of the time things work out just fine. It gets more complicated if those using known donors also have problems conceiving. “The law around sperm donation is absurdly restrictive in my view, because if you’re not in a sexual relationship with the person, the sperm must be held in quarantine for six months before it can be used,” says the Montreal donor. After the tainted blood scandal in the ’80s, the Canadian government became extremely risk-averse to the possibility of HIV, and so fertility clinics must operate under a law that means they have to hold any sperm for six months and re-test donors. The law also ends

OutWords // Feature

up being homophobic, because straight couples are allowed treatment right away, since they’re considered to be in contact with each other’s fluids anyhow. Even if someone has been trying with a donor’s sperm for months, the clinic must quarantine it if they’re not in a sexual relationship. In the Montreal donor’s case, the couple had hoped to have his sperm frozen and shipped to another part of the country. But the barriers became exces-

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nation on the basis of sexual orientation or marital status for those seeking reproductive assistance. As of August 2012, trans rights are protected in Manitoba, as well.

…talk as much as possible with the known donor about what expectations are and then see a lawyer to write up an agreement.”

sive. He discovered his sperm dies when frozen, something that happens to some sperm and not other, and researchers are unsure why. “The law is self-defeating in a way,” he says. “It probably drives people to... bypass the clinic system entirely.” This is particularly the case if someone wants to use a gay man’s sperm for conception. Sperm donation for gay men is only allowed with special doctor’s permission, a relic of homophobic policies from the ’80s. This means it can only easily be used if someone has no trouble conceiving and does not have to go through fertility clinics. Another reason people use fertility clinics is to access unknown donor sperm. This process usually begins at a doctor’s office with a referral. Importantly, human rights legislation prohibits discrimi-

Because most fertility clinics were set up to treat infertile heterosexual couples, there are varying levels of awareness when dealing with GLBT* clients. The Toronto-based LGBTQ Parenting Network has some tips if queer people need to navigate the clinics. The network’s guidebook on assisted human reproduction notes the “norm” for clinics is heterosexual, cisgender clients who are partnered or married with access to two incomes. This can mean intake forms lack appropriate places to record gender identity, sexual orientation, relationship status or family configuration. The counsellors at the clinic may not understand realities specific to GLBT* reproductive choices and parenting plans. This will vary widely by clinic.

Know that fertility clinics are privately-operated and most of their services are not covered under Manitoba Health. Also know that the technology exists for HIV-positive people to conceive and give birth to children without transmission. As of August 2012, the guidebook notes, there were six clinics in Canada offering pregnancy support services to HIV-positive people. Family law is presently receiving an update in Manitoba to recognize that some children have more than two legal parents. This will open the way for queer families to include more people on a child’s birth certificate. While some people reproduce as couples, others wish to have their donor and maybe his husband involved in the child’s life. Still others have family forms as unique as the relationships they negotiate. While family law across Canada is uneven and unprepared to deal with this reality, it’s evolving and beginning to catch up. Larkin Schmiedl is a freelance writer living and working in Vancouver, B.C. He loves to write about social and environmental justice, especially when it comes to other trans-people.

Fall 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 13

OutWords // Feature

GENDERING n u CHILDHOOD By Meg Crane

Siobhan and Clea, the macro shark. Photo by Meg Crane.

Winnipeg parents let their children decide their gender expression

hree year old Clea is not a girl. She is not a boy. She’s a macro shark. At least, that’s what her mom, Siobhan, tells people who ask. Clea has told her mom that her preferred pronoun is “baby.”

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“I don’t think she understands what a pronoun means exactly, but what she’s saying is that she’s my baby and that’s all,” says Siobhan. Siobhan doesn’t try to encourage Clea to be a girl. Or a boy. She lets her child make the decisions. Winnipeg psychologist and parent Diane Forest says gender norms are a reality in our society. “So, what do we do with them? We teach our children that there are things that they will like and things they won’t. We give them the skills to make their

OutWords // Feature

What is gender-free child rearing?

own choices, and respect others for their choices,” says Forest. Parents should lead by example and give children the tools and language to deal with situations that might make them uncomfortable. “Doing so gives them important skills for navigation through these situations,” says Forest. This is what many parents are doing as they raise their children gender-free.

“How I’m raising her is, she’s just a little human. And whatever she’s attracted to or interested in, that’s the thing,” says Siobhan. “I don’t really feel like girls stuff or boys stuff is real. It’s just a social construct.” Siobhan listens to what Clea says about her gender. After Clea told her that she’s not a girl or boy, Siobhan tried to use neutral pronouns for her. Clea wasn’t comfortable with that, so female pronouns are being used until Clea decides otherwise. Siobhan also avoids gendering other people around Clea, even people who appear to identify as a woman or man. “So far, she hasn’t known how to gender anyone because culturally appropriate gender markers don’t mean anything to her, which I think is great and cool.” Britt Ross is also raising their sons, ages six and four, gender-free. “They are free to play whatever they want. If they pick out a dress at the store, we’ll buy it.” Charlie Primeau plans to raise their baby the same way. “I think it’s fair to use masculine language with him, with the understanding that he has a choice and these things aren’t rigid or set in stone,” says Primeau. “For my son specifically, I’m trying to not impose any specific gender ideals, be it cis-gendered or alternatively gendered,” says Primeau. “I don’t want to just assume he’s going to be gender-fluid or gender-queer, but I would like to hold a space for him until he is old enough to begin exploring that.” Primeau will validate whatever choice he makes. Primeau lives in a home with their partner and baby as well as another couple and their children. Both female and male pronouns are used by the children in reference to Primeau and they say that doesn’t matter. “We talk about sex and gender. We talk about how we don’t define people by

boys and girls,” says Primeau. “We talk about how the assumptions that some people make about people’s bodies and what makes a boy and what makes a girl aren’t necessarily true.” Primeau says they and their partner are working on using less gendered language. They have stopped correcting those who misgender someone when it doesn’t matter, such as their baby or dog. “She’s a dog. Doesn’t matter to her, right?” Céline Land lets Felix choose how he appears to the world. With long hair and nail polish, her son dashes to the window to watch for the garbage truck, toy dump truck in hand. “In the end, Félix is Félix,” says Land. “It doesn’t matter what he chooses to wear or if he chooses a specific gender.” She frequently tells her child that he can be whatever he chooses and she will accept it. This is how Land and her partner have felt since he was born. They have not tried to stick to gender-specific clothing or toys, which she feels is a ridiculous concept. “He loves bright colours and cats,” says Land. “A friend gave me a secondhand, bright pink Hello Kitty T-shirt. When I brought it home, he gasped and wanted to put it on right away. He loves it. He should be happy without feeling any kind of restriction based on a label.”

Why raise children gender-free? “I don’t feel like assigning a bunch of attributes based on their genitals is reasonable,” says Siobhan. “It’s like a therapist asking leading questions. It’s directing the flow of a person’s selfexpression.” For Siobhan, it wasn’t a conscious decision she made right away. She began meeting more people who didn’t fit the gender-binary. “I’ve gained more language for what always just felt like a natural way to raise a small human.”

Fall 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 15

OutWords // Feature

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Charlie and their baby. Photo by Elliana Gilbert.

I think it’s fair to use masculine language with him, with the understanding that he has a choice…”

Ross and their partner decided to raise their first son gender-free after discovering he does not create testosterone. “It kind of made us rethink the whole idea of what makes someone a specific gender.” When they started looking into it, they realized that some children whose sex is not clear at birth are assigned a gender that they later do not identify with. “We thought, ‘Why would we want to do that to him?’ And we decided to let him choose,” says Ross. When their second son came along, they decided to raise him the same way. Ross says this is also a feminist issue. “By telling my son that it’s wrong to be a girl, I’m telling him that women are lesser.” The decision has had a huge impact on Ross. “I didn’t realize I was non-binary until after I had my kids and I saw them free to be who they were. And I thought, ‘Hey, if it’s OK for them to do it, maybe I could, too.” says Ross. “I feel more free.”

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Primeau remembers being a child and not having anyone who they could identify with, but knew they were different. “I felt androgynous, but didn’t have the vocabulary,” says Primeau. They remember feeling alone and unheard. People would ask if they were a boy or a girl in a way that felt harassing. It confused them. Primeau says they understood they were a girl because of their body, but told people they were neither a girl nor a boy. “If I felt like I wasn’t one way, why did I have to be this other option?” says Primeau. “There just weren’t people who were like what I identified with.” Primeau grew up in the southern United States where the only models of folks outside the gender-binary were Moose from Pepper-Ann and a character from Peanuts. “It was really difficult because my identity was consistently invalidated,” says Primeau. “It feels like you don’t exist.” When they looked around, people who did seem to identify differently were

those who were gay and lesbian, so they thought they were a lesbian and came out. They later came out as bisexual. And then finally realized they were gender queer. “If I had had a better understanding of those things earlier on, I wouldn’t have necessarily have gone through the vast array of coming out as a lesbian, coming out as bisexual and going through all these different things and realizing that it’s never actually been about my sexuality,” says Primeau. This is why Primeau is raising their child gender-free. And they are lucky to know a group of people who are raising their children the same way, many of whom also do not fall into the gender binary. “We are blessed to know a trans-man who has given birth to a baby and who is nursing his child,” says Primeau. “My kids are going to grow up with probably more queer people in their lives than people who identify solely as straight or cis-gendered.” This community will show him that he doesn’t have to follow the binary. “He will have support,” says Primeau. “I am raising him this way to show him acceptance and freedom to be himself no matter what,” says Land.

The consequences “I don’t get a lot of obvious negative responses,” says Siobhan. She says some people close to them sometimes refer to Clea as a girl, which she finds upsetting. “I usually say, ‘Oh, this isn’t a girl. This is a shark.’” Siobhan has not asked Clea yet how she feels about being gendered. Siobhan’s mom does have a bit of an issue with Clea’s gender identity. “It’s kind of a weird energy,” says Siobhan. “My mom is another generation.” While those somewhat negative responses have not been affecting Clea yet, Siobhan is thinking about the future. “I’m definitely concerned about down the road if she does decide to change her pro-

OutWords // Feature

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Felix Land. Photo by Melanie Skye.

It doesn’t matter what he chooses to wear or if he chooses a specific gender.”

noun to a neutral one or a masculine one that I might have to not see my mom for a while with Clea while my mom and I can communicate about that, until I can trust that my mom can act appropriately.” She is also somewhat concerned about how people will react if Clea is trans. “I would love if I could shelter her from all harm and oppression in the

world, but that’s not really realistic. Even if she does identify as female and express that way and everything is easy in mainstream culture for her, people still get shit on for being themselves all the time,” says Siobhan. She’s concerned about it in the same way she’s concerned about Clea falling off a play structure.

“A lot of people are really positive about it,” says Ross. Many think it’s adorable when their children are allowed to be themselves. Other people have an issue. “I think it’s harder because they are male children. There’s this whole thing about femininity is bad, you don’t want to be like a girl, you don’t want to be girly.” For Ross, it’s not a big deal when people voice their negative opinions about how they’re raising their children. “It’s not their lives.” Plus, they have had a lot of positive support. “My mom buys my kids all sorts of frilly, sparkly things,” says Ross. Ross admits that it could get harder as their sons get older, but right now it’s not a big deal with other children. “The young ones don’t have the prejudice yet,” says Ross. While many children may become more critical as they grow older, Ross thinks more people than in their generation will be OK with folks not adhering to the gender-binary. “The more people see it, the more normal it becomes,” says Ross. “Someday, eventually, maybe there won’t be transphobia anymore.” Regardless, they don’t believe in living in fear and want to set that example for their children and other people. “It’s confusing to not see many role models,” says Primeau. By raising their child around other gender queer folks and not imposing stereotypes on him, they say he will be able to grow as his true self. People often mistaken Felix for a girl, but Land does not mind. “If someone says, ‘Oh, what a happy girl.’ I say, ‘Yes. Thank you. Félix sure is happy.’ Usually this opens dialogue or adds confusion,” says Land. Regardless, it is clear that discussions about gender will be more frequent as gender-free parenting becomes more prevalent. Meg Crane is the online editor for OutWords and the founding editor of Cockroach.

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OutWords // Feature

Nora, her dad, Dave Hanson, and their bunny, Susan. Photo by Alana Trachenko.

Teaching Acceptance By Alana Trachenko

How straight couples answer questions about same-sex relationships

ow do we teach kids about samesex relationships? It’s a question that all parents approach with their own answers, including those who identify as straight. Many parents understand that while they don’t identify as GLBT* themselves, their children are growing up in a world that is full of diversity.

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“I grew up so painfully Mennonite that it hurts,” says Kali Siemens. “I definitely want to be more open and talk about it more than my parents did.” Siemens, 21, and her boyfriend, TJ Stevenson, had their son, Hunter, in October 2014. Even though he won’t be asking questions for a few years, Siemens wants Hunter to grow up understanding that love doesn’t depend on gender.

“I think as parents, our role should be to keep him and our future children informed, to talk openly about same-sex and LGBT relationships so they grow up understanding it’s right and normal to follow their love wherever it leads,” says Siemens. Dave Hanson says his eight-year-old daughter, Nora, started learning about same-sex relationships at around four years old. Nora grew up around an aunt who identifies as bisexual who has been in a same-sex relationship for the last few years, which prompted questions and discussion early on.

OutWords // Feature

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Same-sex relationships are a normal and healthy part of humanity and for kids, the sex part doesn’t matter.”

“We were proactive about it. We thought she would be curious about why same-sex couples are different,” says Hanson. He and his wife, Evelyn Yauk, hope to normalize what those relationships are to Nora, emphasizing that there are many ways to be and that no single way is the right way. “Recently, her biggest question was, ‘what is Pride?’ She does wonder why people would have to fight for their rights,” says Hanson. Siemens hopes that same-sex relationships will seem just as normal to Hunter. “We want to raise him with the idea of loving people and not a specific type of gender or person,” she says. “When curiosity sets in, we’ll be here to talk about it.”

These families are making discussions about same-sex relationships an unremarkable part of learning about relationships in general. It’s a hugely different attitude than existed 10 years ago, when same-sex marriages became legal in Canada. Hanson says that the notion of protecting children from the concept of same-sex relationships is harmful. “Some people are scared of the sexual aspect, but when kids are really young, they’re not asking questions about that, so there’s no reason to be concerned,” he says. “Same-sex relationships are a normal and healthy part of humanity and for kids, the sex part doesn’t matter.”

Siemens and Hanson both feel hopeful that the next generation will find even more acceptance and openness than we are seeing now. “It’s awesome that things are evolving to the point that people who are coming out can get over whatever hurdle or barrier there has been,” says Hanson. Siemens is happy about the social climate as well. “I definitely am so grateful to be raising my child in a time when we are starting to become pretty damn free,” she says. “People are girls, boys, black, white, Christian, agnostic. I don’t want him to think twice about a samesex relationship being different.” Hanson says they’ll continue to answer Nora’s questions as she gets older. “She’s one to take in info and let us know when she wants to learn more.” Alana Trachenko is a Winnipeg-based freelance writer who’s excited to be an aunty.

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OutWords // Feature

The Art of Motherhood as told by Sandra Sanchez

By Alana Trachenko

A sense of humour is essential in the world of same-sex parenting “It all starts and ends with the movie Juno,” Sandra Sanchez says of the birth of her son, Malcolm. She and her girlfriend, Sarah, brought Malcolm home just over three years ago, after a 40-hour labour and months of trying and planning to get pregnant. “I always knew I wanted to be a parent but didn’t want to give birth,” says Sanchez. “And then I saw that scene in Juno where Jennifer Garner’s character is holding her baby, and how she looked, and I knew that if I didn’t have a child I would regret it deeply and for the rest of my life.” Sanchez and Sarah first met at work, under fluorescent lights, surrounded by cutlery and half-eaten food. “It was very romantic,” Sanchez remembers. The pair spent a year and a half in a long-distance relationship before living together in Winnipeg. “It laid the foundation, it was all emotional,” she says. “I think that really helped. Plus, I keep her lightly drugged with just little bits of Benadryl here and there,” she says with a laugh. After dating for six years, they began the process of finding a sperm donor, agreeing that Sanchez, two years older, would be the first one to be pregnant. They looked through catalogues for what seemed like a good fit for their family.

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“It’s weird,” says Sanchez. “It’s like looking for a Russian bride. You’re looking for physical qualities, and looking for indication of emotional weirdness, and intelligence,” she says. “And it’s all selfdisclosed.”

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about getting in the car? Because every day, we get in the car,” Sanchez says about Malcolm. “And other days, after we’ve had a day of adventuring and going around and having fun, he’ll look at me and un-prompted, he’ll say, ‘I love you.’ And it’s like oh… right.” Sanchez says the feeling of watching Malcolm learn and grow is worth more than the work of raising him. “Except the time I had to pick up his poop at the park. The work versus reward ratio on that was… a little off.”

In every other relationship in your life, there are conditions… But with him, he can do whatever and I’ll still love him. Even with puke in my hair, I still loved him.”

Sanchez and her girlfriend looked for a sperm donor in the United States, where the wait was significantly shorter than it is in Canada. The expensive process took Sanchez three attempts to get pregnant. Now the couple is looking for another donor so Sarah can give birth to their second, and likely last, child. “This is what we have to do to have kids,” she says. But for the couple, it’s all worth it. “Some days it’s like, would you just get in the car? Why do we have to talk

Besides understanding what Jennifer Garner’s character felt in Juno, the rest of parenthood has been less than picturesque for the family. Turns out that it’s a pretty messy thing, all the way from insemination to traumatic trips to Costco. “We brought Malcolm home and for the first three days it was just chaos,” says Sanchez. “You go from being just two people to having to take care of this thing that’s just sucking the life force out of you. I was so frazzled, I didn’t get a chance to bond. It wasn’t an instant thing.”

OutWords // Feature

But once the exhaustion and panic subsided, the couple realized that they were parents. “In every other relationship in your life, there are conditions, like I will love you but I need to follow these set rules. But with him, he can do whatever and I’ll still love him. Even with puke in my hair, I still loved him.” At three years old, Malcolm is still too young to ask questions about having two moms and why some families are different than others.

Before looking for a sperm donor, the City of Winnipeg requires couples to attend counselling, where Sanchez and Sarah learned about how to talk to him about the questions he might have. “For a little kid, it’s just factual,” says Sanchez. “As he asks questions, we’ll have to let him know about the donor. We have to make it as appropriate to his age as we can … just answer the questions he’s able to ask. If you start filling his head with things that he can’t comprehend, it does more harm than good.” For Sanchez, being a parent has pushed her out of her comfort zone and forced her to set an example for Malcolm. “The best advice I ever got is: children are a miracle. They’re a reflection of who you are.”

The worst part of parenting for Sanchez? Dealing with other parents who are way too slack. “You can tell who only parents in public, because they’re fond of counting to like, 47? They’re going, ‘Brayden! Brayden!’ Well, you’re not Brayden-ing enough at home, Brayden’s ruling the roost, you could count to 4,000. He doesn’t give a fuck.” Sanchez and her girlfriend hope to have their second child in the next year, with the goal that neither one will end up on Intervention. “But if they did, at least a good episode.” Sandra Sanchez talks about parenthood, weak gag reflexes and insemination on her podcast, Change of Address. Alana Trachenko is a Winnipeg-based freelance writer who’s excited to be an aunty

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OutWords // Feature

What about the The unique challenges of non-birthing parents

ithin a partner relationship, for each child there is a partner who doesn’t give birth. Whether this is the co-mother in a lesbian couple, the partner of a pregnant trans-masculine person, or someone else, being the one who doesn’t carry the child poses its own unique challenges. While there is a script for heterosexual fatherhood in our culture, we don’t have many cultural norms around queer parenting. From legal issues to emotional ones, there are a number of things to consider. First, the legal issues: Since family law is governed provincially, the rules on same-sex relationships and child rearing are uneven across the country. As court challenges slowly make their way through the system, things are lining up to put same-sex relationships on an equal footing with straight ones. In Manitoba, for example, parents will soon be allowed to put more than two names on a child’s birth certificate. This makes proving that your child is, indeed, your child, easier and it facilitates non-romantic co-parents including their names together on their child’s documentation. Adoption is also governed provincially, and if a second parent wants or needs to do a “step-parent adoption,” say in the case of non-romantic partners, this is something to consider. Being officially named as a parent of your child is important legally. If the legal parent died, for example, a co-parent could be left without custody of their child.

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OutWords // Feature

one who’s not pregnant? By Larkin Schmiedl

Joanna Radbord is a Toronto lawyer who works on GLBT* law. In her paper, “GLBT Families and Assisted Reproductive Technologies,” she points out that courts will make decisions about things like custody in light of the bonds of caregiving and love however, so don’t get too worried. This is similar in the case of relationship breakdown between parents. In a custody claim where both partners are legal parents, they start off on an equal footing.

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family lawyer, in her survey on family law for queer and trans families. Most cases seen so far have been about custody and access to children, but she anticipates more cases about issues like child support will be forthcoming. But before a child is even born, there are issues for a non-birthing parent to tackle. In “Celebrating the ‘Other’ Parent: Mental Health and Wellness of Expecting Lesbian, Bisexual, and Queer Non-Birth Parents,” Kira Abelsohn, Rachel Epstein and Lori Ross write about the unique

Since attention is often lavished on the pregnant partner, co-mothers or partners can feel they lack space to reflect on, or celebrate, their own journey into parenthood.”

“Where only one party is the legal parent and the other a social parent, the court could still order custody or access in favour of either party,” Radbord writes. The court would consider the bond between the child and parent, as well as the person’s parenting ability, and the biological and legal factors. In Toronto courts, at least, Radbord writes, there is a strong tendency toward joint custody and generous time to the non-biological parent in same-sex family disputes. “These are still early days for seeing recorded decisions on the breakdown of queer families reflected in the case law,” writes Zara Suleman, a Vancouver

stressors and role non-birth parents have in the parenting process. From thoughts like, “Am I even a real parent?” to worrying a child won’t feel connected to them, non-birth parents potentially deal with a unique set of fears and insecurities. Since attention is often lavished on the pregnant partner, co-mothers or partners can feel they lack space to reflect on, or celebrate, their own journey into parenthood. Some non-birth parents also worry about how their communities will receive them as parents. Confronting heterosexist stereotypes, and perhaps feeling expected to take on a “father” role or other gendered role that doesn’t

fit, non-birthing partners may face the struggle of pushing back against heteronormative stereotypes. Trans-masculine birth-givers and other partners can of course face this intensely as well. For some couples who’ve used known donors, laws have dictated the donor is written on their child’s birth certificate—leaving the actual co-parent legally unrecognized. This has an emotional impact. Legal barriers to the full transition into parenthood harm non-birthing parents, and can leave them feeling insecure or guilty about their status as parents. It’s imperative that laws catch up with same-sex families so this harm can be prevented and non-birthing partners can feel safe. Other issues can come up—in a situation where one partner is infertile and the other carries the child, for example, envy or deep sadness can surface. In the end, the issue is one of a non-biological parent making sense of their own role in bringing a child into the world and reckoning with their journey of becoming a parent. Since there aren’t a lot of queer guides for this, non-birth parents create what works for them and their families. And this is the same thing queer families have been doing with children since before there were laws that even covered same-sex relationships. Larkin Schmiedl is a freelance writer living and working in Vancouver, B.C. He loves to write about social and environmental justice, especially when it comes to other trans-people.

Fall 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 23

OutWords // Artist Profile

Local artist produces

feminist, political pieces By Katy MacKinnon

*Trigger warning* Caro LaFlamme’s Excuse Me (Sorry) installation.

rawing on themes of intersectional feminism and mental illness, Caro LaFlamme’s artwork is both personal and political, shattering the patriarchy one painting at a time. This fifth-year University of Manitoba fine arts student began honing her artistry at a very young age. During the last two years of her degree, she has focused on both painting and photography, often blending the two to create “tension between the plane of the canvas and the printed image.” For example, LaFlamme will produce a painting of a wall, then place that canvas atop that particular wall and subsequently photograph the two for the series. The contrast between canvas atop its surfaces within photographs adds

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interesting dimension to her work. Both Castration Anxiety and Excuse Me (Sorry) feature this approach. Many of LaFlamme’s paintings exhibit underwhelming subjects, with strong feminist themes throughout. “Feminism is such a big part of my life that my work is almost always consciously or even subconsciously influenced by it,” LaFlamme says. “The art world, like many other professional areas, remains quite male-dominated, so I find creating feminist art to be a challenge to that gendered imbalance.” Studying feminist theory through women and gender studies courses at the University of Manitoba (U of M) has helped LaFlamme draw on many aspects of feminism in her work.

“Having that foundation of feminist theory plays a big role in shaping the concepts I communicate through my art and gives me the confidence to tackle tough subjects,” she says.

Castration Anxiety LaFlamme’s work is both accessible and thought-provoking. Castration Anxiety is a painting and photography series of phalli drawn in public places around the U of M campus. Paintings of the vandalism were created to scale, placed atop the original surfaces and photographed. Vandalizing publish spaces with phalli, she says, is a desperate effort to assert and sustain patriarchal dominance under the (weak) guise of humour. LaFlamme says female genetalia are rarely (if ever) seen drawn in public

OutWords // Artist Profile

places to no surprise, “given the collective societal ignorance, discomfort and repulsion towards female genitalia, and in extension, pleasure,” she says. By exposing these childish drawings and constructing them into a series, she brings awareness to the ridiculous gendered notions of modern day and effectively flips the humour—instead of smirking at a phallus on a wall, we are laughing at the original artist of this phallus and their (perhaps subconscious) fear of emasculation and subsequently, their method used to counter that fear.

Excuse Me (Sorry) LaFlamme inserts herself into the Excuse Me (Sorry) triptychs as an intended subject. The first triptych contains garments that have been painted to look like the walls of the tunnels that LaFlamme passes through while at

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Caro LaFlamme’s Excuse Me (Sorry) installation.

Fever, Low and Panic Abstract paintings representing emotions and moods were painted on glass, layered over LaFlamme’s face and photographed in the triptych representing

The art world… remains quite maledominated, so I find creating feminist art to be a challenge to that gendered imbalance.”

school. The second triptych in the series is digitally produced self-portraits of LaFlamme wearing the garments and standing against the wall, blending in effortlessly. Her purpose behind this creation was to draw attention to the fact that spaces—both physical and intellectual— are often dominated by men, rendering women invisible (similarly, the concept of “manspreading,” or men taking up more than one subway seat, has become common discourse). “These canvas garments imitate assigned uniforms through their blunt repetition, engaging with contemporary feminist dialogues which challenge the policing of women/women-identified people’s bodies and clothing and prescribed misogynist notions of ‘selfrespect’ and ‘modesty.’”

her experience with generalized anxiety disorder. Each photograph is drastically different. In Fever, LaFlamme is pictured screaming behind the glass of jagged red and orange brush strokes. Low uses tall brush strokes and moody blue colours on glass layered in front of LaFlamme’s dejected facial expression. Panic is a tornado of colours, spinning and mixing and splattering across the glass. “Mental illnesses cannot be characterized by one unwavering, constant mood or symptom, and people do not need to be in crisis on a regular basis in order to have a mental illness,” says LaFlamme. “My personal experience with generalized anxiety disorder has included spans of extreme irritability, emotional and physical lows, and periods of incessant worry.”

LaFlamme’s work draws on many aspects of her personal life experience, including topics highly stigmatized and silenced.

Personal is Political Producing—and publicly sharing—work that has its roots in sometimes traumatic personal experiences takes incredible strength of character. Fortunately, LaFlamme finds solace in her art. “It’s a cliché, but creating art can be truly therapeutic, particularly if there are experiences in your past that you want to process on your own terms. I personally find that drawing from my personal experiences gives me a firmer grasp of ownership over them,” she says. LaFlamme says she uses art to open up about herself in ways she would otherwise find difficult. “I’ve spoken on my experiences with sexual assault and mental illness through my work, which both remain stigmatized subjects in public discourse,” she says. “Feminist theory is at the crux of my work, and it often overlaps with personal experiences, which results in my most personal and political work.” Find LaFlamme’s work and upcoming exhibition dates at carolaflamme. tumblr.com. Katy MacKinnon is the publisher behind the food blog My Dish is Bomb (mydishisbomb.com).

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OutWords // Between the Sheets

Advice on keeping things steamy Q: What are some ways to keep sex exciting after having kids?

Sex after kids can be a whole other ballgame. Couples with kids have gone through a lot of experiences together that may make them closer—everything from supporting a pregnant partner and learning how to change a diaper together, to watching their baby take those first few steps. Having kids can make you and your partner feel closer but being a parent can be so hectic that sometimes it feels like weeks since you’ve seen each other. And sometimes sex can feel like an appointment you have to book. Actually that’s not a bad idea. Here are some tips for the busy parents on how to—ahem—get busy.

Make time. It’s easier said than done but it’s worth the effort. Find a babysitter and make a date. You don’t need to go out. In fact, staying in can be more relaxing and it gives you more of an opportunity to cuddle and be close. Make it special with a bottle of wine or your favourite craft beer. Dating doesn’t have to stop once you’re settled in with a family—and hey, it always got you laid before.

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Remember why you’re with them. Even if you met years ago, they still do the things that drove you crazy when you first met—like how they look when they just won an argument or the sexy way they put on their shirt. Notice the things that made you fall in love. And now that you’re parents together, they’re probably doing a bunch of other stuff that’s sexy in a different way, like holding your baby while she falls asleep or expertly answering all of her “why?” questions. Admit it, you always wanted to bang a hot mom or dad. Well now you can.

Props. Make a date out of shopping for sex toys or picking out a hot video. It’s a good way to build up the anticipation together. Like they say, foreplay starts as soon as sex is over. If you’re nervous about going into a store together, shopping online together can be just as fun. If it’s your first time, you might want to go to a store and talk to someone who knows what they’re doing. Videos or erotica books are a great way to get new ideas and build up that anticipation.

OutWords // Between the Sheets

Geography. No, not the stuff you won’t be able to help your kid with once they get to Grade 5—location. You don’t need to go up to a rooftop to get things going, unless of course that’s your thing. Even the living room as opposed to the bedroom can be exciting if the kids are at school or daycare. Just push aside the Lego and the Sesame Street Gang and enjoy the temporary quiet. Unless of course you put on a sexy playlist…

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Great sex goes hand in hand with great music. Songza has a great variety of choices, but sometimes the mood calls for something unexpected. Ambient post-rock, for example. Songs without lyrics have a way of putting you into a trance-like state that sets the mood without being cheesy or cliché. Try IN VIA by Frames for a sense of mellow intimacy. But hey, at this point, anything that isn’t One Direction or Taylor Swift has the potential to be a turn on, right?

Admit it, you always wanted to bang a hot mom or dad. Well now you can.”

OutWords // At Home With...

At Home With… Ryan Miller and Adam Wickstrom’s Dream Home

yan Miller and Adam Wickstrom moved into their beautiful, open-concept home just over a year ago after building it with Hearth Homes. The couple works for the residential design-build firm, which is owned by Wickstrom’s family, so they put a lot of their own time into building their dream home. They got to make many of the decisions in the home, including that the basement be raised so it could have windows that let in sunlight and light fixtures that could also be considered art. Miller and Wickstrom enjoy curling up together on the couch, playing video games and watching Netflix, in the house that was built just for them.

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OutWords // At Home With...

Fall 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 29

OutWords // At Home With...

Coffee table: Miller used Instagram to find local Winnipeg custom furniture designer Haven Kitchen & Design. It was the last piece they brought into their home and is exactly what they wanted to fill the space in their living room.

Light: Miller and Wickstrom wanted a rustic, yet modern feel to their home. They used artsy light fixtures to bring in a modern twist. This fixture is hanging in the dining room. At night, it throws patterns of light around the room.

Chairs: Miller found these chairs on free weekend. Along with his mom and aunt, he recovered them. It was his first time tackling such a project, but youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d never know.

Paintings: These pieces, by Rifle Paper Co., are hanging in the bedroom. Each painting shows off where the couple has been and where they plan to one day go. They hope to buy more as their list of travel destinations grows. They even want to order custom wedding invitations from the artist, when they decide to tie the knot.

Meg Crane is the online editor for OutWords and the founding editor of Cockroach

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