Outwords 217 winter 2015

OUTWORDS QUEER VIEWS, NEWS, ISSUES

WINNIPEG’S QUEER POLY COMMUNITY VIBRANT + SUPPORTIVE

INTIMACY DOESN’T ALWAYS MEAN SEX

THE WINNIPEG

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TIPS FOR TALKING

ABOUT SEX

WITH CHILDREN Winter 2015

Issue 217

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OutWords // contents

18

SEX

lies +

being trans

16

EWS YOU MIGHT 08 NHAVE MISSED BRIEFS

09

FEATURE

SEX-ED FOR 17 INCLUSIVE CHILDREN AND TEENS FEATURE

18

INTIMACY WITHOUT SEX FEATURE

TOP 10 PLAYLIST THE GAYLIST

20 DIFFERENT SEXUAL NEEDS FEATURE

10

QUEER POLYAMORY FEATURE

13

“B” IS THERE FOR A 22 THE REASON

THE SEX MEN

FEATURE

FEATURE

24

GREY MATTERS

14

THE TRANS WINNIPEG WORKING GROUP

09

LIES AND BEING 16 SEX, TRANS

FEATURE

25 BETWEEN-THE-SHEETS READING BOOK REVIEWS

27 HOT AND REAL FEATURE

ROBIDOUX 28 LYNNE BURNDORFER AND

LINDA BURNDORFER AT HOME WITH…

30 REVEALING AN STI FEATURE

YLE’S BED AND 31 KBREAKFAST COMIC

FEATURE

14

Winter 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 5

OutWords // Editorial

Editorial PUBLISHED BY THE OUTWORDS VOLUNTEER STAFF:

A

s you may know, OutWords has been undergoing some major changes. The newest is that it has a new editor.

I was excited to take on the challenge of editing Winnipeg’s GLBT magazine, but quickly disheartened by how hurt some members of the community have been by the publication. When a writer went to cover a story about GLBT folks living in poverty, she was met with hostility and we had to bump the article

‘‘

…we aren’t here just for rich folks or white folks or able bodied folks” in order to give us the time to gain some trust and really dig into the heart of the story.

I don’t blame anyone, but I want you to know that we aren’t here just for rich folks or white folks or able bodied folks.

We are here for everyone in Manitoba’s GLBT community. If there’s something we’re not covering, we want to know! So get in touch.

For this issue, someone brought to our attention the fact that we hadn’t written anything about the Trans Winnipeg Working Group. And what a shame that was! The group is doing some great work to create a safe space for people who identify as trans to meet and discuss important issues relevant to them.

So, we sent our new contributor Faith Ginter to find out what it’s all about. You can read about the group on page 14.

EDITOR : Meg Craner ASSISTANT EDITOR: Karen Phillips PHOTO EDITOR: Elizabeth D’Alessio ART DIRECTOR & LAYOUT: Michele Buchanan ASSISTANT DESIGNER: Hely Schumann

We want to welcome more members of our community to contribute to OutWords. We had several new writers this issue and our list of photographers is growing! If you want to dive in as a new contributor, email me for more details at editor@outwords.ca.

For the “sex” issue, some of our regulars piped up with some great stories. Larkin Schmiedl took a look at Winnipeg’s poly scene and lets you know what’s up on page 10. We’ve got Wes Funk’s reflection on promiscuity in the gay community on page 13 and Shandi Strong’s look at the difficulty of coming out as trans to potential partners on 16.

Flip through and see what you think of the “sex” issue. If you’re really not happy with what OutWords has going on these days, there are a few things you can do. The easiest way to influence change over here is to complain to me!

I’d love to hear your suggestions about making this a publication you are proud to pick up. If you really want to see a difference, you could also join the board!

They’re always on the look-out for diverse new members. For more information, email chair@outwords.ca.

But you’d better get your input in quick! Based on complaints about going down to only four issues of OutWords a year, we’re planning six jam-packed, exciting issues for 2016 that we hope will blow your socks off.

BOOK KEEPER: Christy Elias DISTRIBUTION: Terry Wiebe WEB MANAGER: Vic Hooper SALES MANAGER: Daniel Heck COVER: Photo by Elizabeth D’Alessio CONTRIBUTORS TO THIS ISSUE: Brett Owen, Caedmon Malowany, Danelle Granger, Doug Knight, Faith Ginter, Katy MacKinnon, Larkin Schmiedl, Shandi Strong, Wes Funk BOARD OF DIRECTORS: Rachel Morgan, Darrel Nadeau, Caedmon Malowany, Chris Turyk, Willie Wile, Nancy Renwick OutWords 170 Scott St. Winnipeg, MB R3L OL3 Voice-mail (204) 942-4599 General Inquiries: info@outwords.ca Editor: editor@outwords.ca Layout: creative@outwords.ca Advertise: advertise@outwords.ca Distribution: distribution@outwords.ca Accounts: billing@outwords.ca Event submissions: calendar@outwords.ca Letters submissions: letters@outwords.ca Website: www.outwords.ca

OutWords provides news, analysis and entertainment for the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, two-spirit and queer community and its allies.GST 89671 7618RT, ISSN 1715-5606 (print) ISSN 1715-5614 (online) Canada Post Publication Licence 416 99032, Contents copyright © 2015 OutWords. Alll rights reserved.

Articles are not necessarily the views of the staff, management, or board. We accept no liability for our advertisers’ claims.

Meg Crane is the editor of OutWords and the founding editor of Cockroach.

Winter 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 7

OutWords // News

News you might have missed News briefs

By Caedmon Malowany A feather for each spirit WINNIPEG, Manitoba - GLBT people will now and forever have a role to play at Western Canada’s largest aboriginal festival. At this year’s 10th anniversary gathering, two eagle feathers were placed on the ceremonial Eagle Staff in honour of the role that twospirit people hold in indigenous society.

The ceremony took place at the annual Manito Ahbee festival, which is an annual gathering of leaders, artists, dancers and teachers. It was a welcome nod to the past, when many of the precolonial tribes of North America believed that individuals who exhibited signs of homosexuality had two spirits, both male and female.

These people were considered to be holy, and often became respected teachers in the tribe. Lisa Meeches, executive director of the festival, says that two-spirit people remain an important part of indigenous culture.

“Having a feather placed on the Eagle Staff is a great honour, and it’s a great responsibility for those who care for and keep the staff,” she says. At the sacred ceremony, Assembly of First Nations National Chief Perry Bellegarde held the Eagle Staff while Sky Bridges, the two-spirit chief operating officer for television station APTN, tied the two feathers on. “We’re going back to a place and a teaching that has been lost in our culture,” says Meeches. “This is a recognition that two spirit people have teachings to give, and will always have an honoured place at this festival.”

8 // www.outwords.ca // Winter 2015

Throwing stones HOLLYWOOD, California - Despite taking to Facebook this summer to defend his new film about the Stonewall riots, gay Hollywood filmmaker Roland Emmerich continues to feel the heat.

After the release of the film’s trailer, GLBT critics called for a boycott, charging that the movie Stonewall did not adequately represent the role that drag queens and women of colour played in the riots.

In his own defence, Emmerich admitted that he made the lead character a handsome white male in order to secure financing, but that women and drag queens were indeed represented in the film.

This fall, the criticism morphed, but continued nonetheless. Critics say the film is not so much a case of bad history as it is bad filmmaking. After viewing the entire motion picture, a reviewer for gossip website Gawker wrote, “There aren’t enough bricks in the world to throw at Roland Emmerich’s appalling Stonewall,” and lifestyle magazine Vanity Fair suggested to readers that “Stonewall is terribly offensive, and offensively terrible.”

Emmerich does have his supporters, however. Suggesting that the Gawker and Vanity Fair reviews were bordering on hysterics, American GLBT magazine The Advocate printed an editorial encouraging gay and lesbian readers to see the film. “Roland Emmerich’s new drama about LGBT rights isn’t a great film,” wrote columnist Daniel Reynolds.

“But it’s a good movie.”

School daze GLOUCESTER COUNTY, Virginia -This fall, millions of young people around the world be-gan their annual trek back to school.

For one young man in Virginia, however, the year will be filled with a number of challenges, including trying to figure out where to go to the bathroom.

In August, a U.S. federal court judge ruled that a transgender high school student won’t be allowed to use the boys’ bathroom he’d already been using for months.

During the last school year, 16-yearold Gavin Grimm received permission from his principal to use the boys’ bathroom, and was doing so without incident until the school board stepped in with a new policy that denied the Grade 10 student access to a genderappropriate restroom.

The American Civil Liberties Union and ACLU of Virginia quickly took the matter to a federal judge, alleging that the school board violated the student’s civil rights by enacting a transphobic restroom policy.

Just as kids were settling into a new school year, the judge ruled the policy did not violate Chapter 9 of the U.S. Constitution, the chapter that deals with discrimination.

Caedmon Malowany has been an openly gay news reporter, news anchor and news director in rural Manitoba, and currently works as a communications specialist for the provincial government.

OutWords // Gaylist

on her way to universal acclaim as she recently tweeted she had been working with Britney Spears on new material.

Yes, please.

3. Years & Years “Shine”

THE

GAYLIST

TOP 10 PLAYLIST

For this issue, I’ve created a playlist of my top 10 favourite songs. I have a tendency toward indie electro synth pop, usually from Sweden, so that’s mostly what this is.

You can listen to the playlist at 8tracks.com/havewemet/outwordsfall-winter-2015. It features five bonus songs that I didn’t have room for here!

1. Dragonette “Let The Night Fall” It’s always interesting when a band you have loved for a long time finally gets recognition. You may know Dragonette for its appearance on Martin Solveig’s “Hello” or from its collaborations with Big Data, Galantis or Mike Mago, but I have to say I always prefer Dragonette on its own. The musicians know their way around a pop tune better than anyone and “Let The Night Fall” is evidence of that.

2. Sam Bruno “Search Party” You might recognize this from the trailer for the movie Paper Towns It has been my anthem since I heard it there. I love the production. The lyrics paint a vivid picture of escape. Bruno might also be

Communion, Years & Years’ debut album, will likely be my top album of 2015.

The album is packed with crisp, inventive synthpop, delivered with the angst only a young gay man knows. The lead singer is dating the cute guy from Clean Bandit and I’m anxiously awaiting the day their relationship leads to a collaboration.

“Shine” is romantic and optimistic, and just wait until you hear the Max Sanna club remix. Thanks to DJ Roy Liang for that tip.

4. Urban Cone “Sadness Disease” I often say the best songs come from Sweden. Urban Cone proves me right. Its sophomore album Polaroid Memories is packed with great tunes, including a collaboration with fellow Swedish phenom Tove Lo. “Sadness Disease” makes you want to cry and dance at the same time.

“How you gonna cure me?” asks lead singer Emil before the synth explodes.

5. Josef Salvat “Open Season” Salvat could be one of the best kept secrets in music. His collaboration with Tourist is amazing and Sony chose his cover of Rihanna’s “Diamonds” for an ad campaign. His debut album Night Swim will be out early next year and will be well worth a listen if his In Your Prime EP is any indication. The video for “Open Season” is also brilliant. You should probably watch it immediately.

6. ASTR “No Type” You’ve probably never heard Rae Sremmurd’s “No Type” quite like this before.

ASTR puts a melodic spin on the rap song and it’s heavenly. Even the ubiquitous “bad bitches” lyric seems almost gentle.

7. CHVRCHES “Leave A Trace” The first single from CHVRCHES’ second album Every Open Eye is as ferocious as we have come to expect from the band.

It makes the all-too-familiar trope of the break up song sound as fresh as ever.

8. Panama “Jungle” Panama has been bubbling under on my radar for a while. Its Always EP was on high rotation for me last year and “Jungle” kept me singing along on every road trip this summer.

9. Jocelyn Alice “Jackpot” I generally avoid radio like the plague and scour music blogs in search of new tunes, but sometimes in that brief moment between when I start my car and when I plug my iPod in, I’ll be introduced to someone like Jocelyn Alice. “Jackpot” is the kind of song that makes you nod your head involuntarily. It’s also pretty freaking cute, which always helps.

10. Ekkah “Last Chance To Dance” And last but not least, the title song from Ekkah’s 2014 debut EP. Next time you’re in need of a house party slow grind jam, this is the answer.

Happy listening!

Brett Owen is a Winnipeg dancer, choreographer and playlist maker.

Winter 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 9

OutWords // Feature

Queer Polyamory

By Larkin Schmiedl

DREAMING THE ROAD TO FREEDOM

A

mong the many ways to do relationships, polyamory stands out in many people’s minds as an ideal version of perhaps unattainable freedom. But for polyamorous people, it’s a practical kind of freedom that exists in a context of deep intimacy.

Most polyamorous people stress the importance of communication, knowing limits and needs, and hashing out a relationship that fulfills the deeper desires of all involved. Openness and accountability are values most polyamorous people aspire to.

While some see poly as their orientation, others use it to describe how they structure their relationships.

The thing most polyamorous relationships have in common is their capacity for multiple honest loves.

There are other kinds of non-monogamy: open relationships, swinging, polygamy and, of course, cheating, but these are distinct. While some open relationships overlap with poly, “open” is often used to describe sexual activity outside a couple.

Sheng’s style of poly involves separate relationships that can be described as “Vs.” The relationships are called this because one person is linked to two or more other partners, but those partners aren’t linked romantically with each another.

“I like it when everyone can be comfortable with each other and spend time with each other, but it’s not particularly important to me to do the big happy family style of poly,” they say.

For the most part, they’ve considered themselves a solo poly person, highly valuing their independence and autonomy.

While this is one form of polyamory, there are more closely knit relation-

Why polyamory?

“I first learned the word [polyamory] seven years ago, and it was kind of a revelation because there was finally a label for this stuff that I was already doing,” says Sheng, who is 33 and the founder of PolyWinnipeg, a local group that holds monthly talks and events. “I’ve been doing non-monogamy pretty much my entire dating life.”

10 // www.outwords.ca // Winter 2015

Eight Things I Wish I’d Known about Polyamory: Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up, by Cunning Minx Minx also hosts the popular Polyamory Weekly podcast, which is kink-positive and pansexual, and can be found at www.polyweekly.com.

OutWords // Feature

Mitra, who helps run a polyamory group in Edmonton, has identified as poly for more than five years, since she was 25. And she didn’t get into polyamory on purpose. “I had actually thought

terms like “primary partner” because it implies other relationships would be secondary. Her life partner lives with his wife, and they’re Mitra’s neighbours.

Mitra also has other partners.

Photos : Elizabeth D’Alessio

ship scenarios that others—like Kyle, a 24-year-old Winnipegger—aspire to.

Kyle’s polyamorous roots began about a year ago when he entered a triad relationship, joining an existing couple.

Although it didn’t work out, he learned a lot.

“What I found from that was, as a person who identifies as bisexual, having a male and a female in the same relationship with me really allowed me to pursue both halves of myself.”

He describes it as feeling complete and is looking for a three-person relationship in the future. “It’s kind of like a monogamous relationship except that it has a requirement for one more person,” he says.

Kyle’s also open to being part of a quad—a four-person unit—and the idea of a poly family appeals immensely. He sees the benefits as being an abundance of support and intimacy.

He describes watching a movie with his boyfriend at home while their girlfriend went on a date. She’d come home and tell them how it went, and if it wasn’t good, they’d support her. “We’d give her a big hug, and we’d make some more popcorn, and we’d start another movie,” he says. “It felt good to encourage my partners to go out and find more people.” He felt a sense of both liberation and comfort in this safety net.

‘‘

Bram Singleton and Anlina Sheng are each involved in polyamorous relationships.

I first learned the word [polyamory] seven years ago, and it was kind of a revelation…”

that I would choose monogamy,” she says. But when she fell in love with a poly man, she began to ask herself some questions. She realized poly seemed more difficult to do in the world, but the inconvenience didn’t outweigh the emotional benefits.

“My life partner and I have a very open approach where we don’t give each other permission to do anything. We are free to do whatever we wish,” she says. With a foundation of open communication, respect and consideration, Mitra has the freedom to allow whatever develops romantically and sexually with anyone else. She also avoids the use of

P O LY A M O R O U S R E A D S Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, by Tristan Taormino Part advice and part interviews with polyamorous couples, this book covers several styles of non-monogamy, including polyamory, swinging and poly for single people. There’s a companion blog at www. openingup.net.

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.

The authors dispel myths and cover all the skills necessary to maintain a successful and responsible polyamorous lifestyle.

Part of polyamory’s beauty is its insistence upon openness regarding desires. It’s certainly not for everyone, but the skill set polyamorous people need to develop to be successful can benefit any relationship. Communication, learning the specifics of your own needs, desires and boundaries, and hearing those of a partner deeply are skills that cultivate intimacy. Learning to negotiate agreements and create realistic expectations are useful for anyone. Understanding jealousy triggers is good work as well.

All of these are necessary for good poly relationships, and too often in default monogamy, the work to build these connecting skills is left undone.

More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory,

by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.

Veaux also runs www.morethantwo.com, with links to many excellent resources.

POLY IN THE MEDIA found at www.polyinthemedia.blogspot.ca, is a site Sheng considers useful to get a handle on public perceptions of polyamory.

Winter 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 11

OutWords // Feature

‘‘

As soon as you enter into a poly relationship, the entire rulebook goes straight out the door”

Tips to a happy poly life “I think the one thing that people should remember is not to make any assumptions,” says Mitra. Because polyamory is so different from other social norms, you can’t assume what the other person thinks, believes or wants. She warns that even if people think they’re not making assumptions, they probably are. That’s something to be conscious of.

Kyle has a similar tip. “It’s all about communication. As soon as you enter into a poly relationship, the entire rulebook goes straight out the door. There are no rules because we didn’t grow up with any kind of media to guide us through this kind of process. So if you’re really not comfortable with hashing out exactly how you feel about everything, then it’s going to end badly. Talking, talking, talking about everything is vitally important. There’s a lot more risk involved, but there’s a lot more reward too. Poly relationships can be explosively fun, but they can also explode.”

Kyle suggests defining the power structure of a relationship from the getgo: is it equal partners, primary/secondary, or something else?

Sheng advises knowing your own needs and desires, being able to set

CHOFSHI Young LGBTQ Jews | Winnipeg

boundaries, and understanding what you can control and what’s not appropriate to control. It’s also important to remember that polyamorous people are not more enlightened or superior. That assumption is untrue and obnoxious.

What to watch out for A bad first experience with poly doesn’t mean polyamory isn’t for you, says Sheng. Although it’s OK if it isn’t. They recommend learning from other’s mistakes and remembering to do what feels right. “Don’t let anyone tell you there is one true way to do polyamory,” they say.

Sheng’s seen people put up with things they would never tolerate in monogamous relationships and advises new polyamorists-to-be to keep themselves safe. “I see a lot of particularly young bisexual women who are targeted by couples who are looking to date as a triad, and who get treated horrendously badly,” Sheng says. Don’t put up with anything that ignores your instincts and invalidates your experiences. If you feel there’s something wrong, there probably is. Polyamory does not equate to finding a way to accept being unhappy. Abuse can come in any relationship and it can be confusing for a new poly person to

untangle and navigate the forms that abusive manipulation can take.

Resources Whether new to polyamory or not, having a support of other polyamorous people can be valuable.

The PolyWinnipeg group has a Facebook page that lists events and other items of interest for local poly folk. The group holds regular PolyTalks as well as social events like potlucks and games nights. There’s a high representation of queer and trans people, and events are usually free and held in queer and transfriendly locations, says Sheng.

The Winnipeg Polyamory Discussion Group on Yahoo!Groups is devoted to discussing the emotional, social and political issues related to being involved in mature, ethical, non-monogamous relationships. Its emphasis is on the Winnipeg community, and the group is inclusive of all styles of poly, all genders and all sexual orientations.

Seeing deep, heartfelt desires materialize because we are able to express them should be something anyone can do. Whether that looks like polyamory, monogamy, or something else, the lessons from polyamory can lead us all deeper into our own personal versions of freedom.

Larkin Schmiedl is a freelance writer living and working in Vancouver, B.C. He loves to write about social and environmental justice, especially when it comes to other trans-people.

X

OutWords // Feature

THE

SE

A look at promiscuity in the gay community

I

t is frequently said that gay men have more sex than anyone else on the planet. Could it be true? Certain experts claim that men, whether gay or straight, are designed to be sexual without the need to be wooed or romanced.

They are pretty much ready to dive right in and do the deed at any time without being warmed up.

Some claim that bathhouses are to blame for promiscuity in the gay world. Those people suggest closing down bathhouses to take away the temptation, thus eliminating the sexual debauchery taking place inside. Others claim these facilities’ clientele would simply soldier on and find other venues.

This is likely accurate, especially now that there are phone apps like Grindr and Growlr that make quick hook-ups easy.

If queer men meet at a business designed for hooking up, then at least they are in a comfortable environment where they won’t feel the need to make haste; they can take the time to be safe.

It beats a venue like an alley or public washroom.

“It’s hard for me to say if gay men are more active than others,” said Evelyn Reiser, executive director of Saskatoon Sexual Health Centre. “My days are full enough as it is, just trying to make people understand the imperativeness of safe sex. My main goal is to reduce

disease and teach birth control. These are what I need to focus on. Lecturing clients on the importance of monogamy is something we simply don’t have a whole lot of time and energy for here.”

This leads to another question: Is infidelity among gay men as common as society believes? According to Jai Rich-

“

men

By Wes Funk

are both sides of the spectrum in our culture, but there are both sides in all the other cultures.”

No matter what part of society you live in, if you search for infidelity, you will find it. If there is a lack of monogamy in the gay male community , perhaps it stems from the fact that gay lifestyles

Part of this probably stems back to the sexual revolution, where gay people said ‘screw the rest of you and all your rules’”

ards, a Saskatoon counsellor and psychotherapist, there is indeed infidelity in the queer community, but there is in the straight world as well. “Part of this probably stems back to the sexual revolution, where gay people said ‘screw the rest of you and all your rules,’” says Richards.

But he also believes that the stereotype of gay men being “horn-dogs” incapable of monogamy cannot all be chalked up to biology.

“It has to do with a lot of factors,” Richards claims. “It has to do with upbringing and culture and personal morals and values. Sure, there is plenty of promiscuity in the queer male community, but there are countless tender and loving faithful relationships too. There

have, at various times, been frowned upon by society – in previous eras, gay people had to hide what they were doing to a point that there was no time or opportunity for tender moments such as foreplay and afterglow. Perhaps it all boils down to kindness. As gay couples become more visible in society, and acceptance becomes the norm, perhaps the intense focus on sex in the gay community can relax and we can hone in on balanced relationships, complete with romance, love and intimacy.

Wes Funk is an Edmonton-based novelist and freelance writer. His novel Dead Rock Stars has been incorporated into various curricula, and his book Cherry Blossoms won a National CBC Bookies Award.

Winter 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 13

OutWords // Feature

the TRANS WINNIPEG

WORKING GROUP

By Faith Ginter

Supporting and advocating for themselves

T

he Trans Winnipeg Working Group was started

by Damien Leggett and Merrill Grant in April 2015. They felt it was time to give power back to the trans community and wanted a group for trans people, by trans people.

Many organizations are started by cis individuals who, despite having good intentions, will never fully understand how to help the trans community the way that trans individuals do. Leggett and Grant created a safe space, where trans individuals could come together and feel

14 // www.outwords.ca // Winter 2015

as though they have a place where no one is talking for them. Instead, they are having their own voices heard.

“We recognized that there was a need for the trans community to come together in a neutral setting that was not governed by cisgender folks, or people who were working ‘for’ us,” Leggett says.

The Trans Winnipeg Working Group discusses several important issues that trans people face in their daily lives.

The main topics include: difficulty with employment and subsequent economic disparity; housing discrimination; issues with police and incarceration; and difficulty obtaining necessary identification.

Another important issue they feel needs to be addressed is health care.

Although it acknowledges that there are agencies advocating for the trans community, the group plans to take some matters into its own hands. The group strongly believes that experiential education for all people working in the health care field should be mandatory, as well as in having the trans community be an integral part of the education process.

“We are leading ourselves out of governing organizations with the goal of creating jobs for trans people,” Leggett says.

During the meetings, the group discusses the needs of the trans community and how people who are living with differently gendered bodies can have their needs met—from ensuring relevant education in the health care community

OutWords // Feature

to creating a trans health card that explains one’s gender identity, so they don’t have to explain it themselves in the state of an emergency medical situation.

Cisgender individuals are not allowed in the building during the meetings for various reasons, one being that trans individuals already spend so much of their time explaining themselves to people who are not trans. “Having a trans-only space allows our community to spend time in

“

We are leading ourselves out of governing organizations with the goal of creating jobs for trans people”

a space that is peer-led (instead of instructive) and where there is less risk of gender policing,” Leggett says. The Trans Winnipeg Working Group strives to be a safe space, where trans individuals can be themselves without having to explain themselves to people who don’t quite understand.

The meetings take place at the West Central Women’s Resource Centre. The building is fully accessible, free childcare is available for those who need it, snacks are offered and people with cars often offer rides home to those who need them.

The group is open to all people who self-identify on the trans spectrum, as the trans community is made up of many different people with many different labels and identities. “Anyone who wants to help us make some changes for the betterment of our community is welcome,” Leggett says. The meetings take place in Treaty 1 Territory, where colonization has had an enormous impact on the issues they address.

The Trans Winnipeg Working Group is not only a place to discuss the issues that the trans community faces, it’s a place to make connections and new friends. It’s a place to be yourself and not have to explain yourself, unless you want to. “Thus far we have had a little over 40 unique participants join us for our meetings. We’re really proud!”

Leggett says.

The meetings take place the third Thursday of every month at 7 p.m. at the West Central Women’s Resource Centre, located at 640 Ellice Avenue. Smoke, coffee and water breaks are offered during meetings.

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Faith Ginter is 19. They were born and raised in Winnipeg, Manitoba, and identify as gender neutral. Their goal is to pursue a career in journalism and/or illustration.

Winter 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 15

OutWords // Feature

SEX

lies +

being trans

By Shandi Strong

One thing most people in the GLBT community share is a coming out process. The challenges faced by each can be similar, but there are marked differences for trans folk and their sexuality.

L

et’s look at a gay man for example. When you’re out, you’re out. Your family, friends and co-workers know that you prefer men.

What type of men you prefer is up to you, but the men you’re hitting on generally know what you’re bringing to the table physically.

For a trans person, it is infinitely more complicated. There is considerable debate on when and whether it’s necessary to come out to a potential partner and tell them that you are or were physically a different gender.

Most agree at some point prior to intimacy that it’s probably going to be necessary. As good as the surgeries are today, there are some functional differences that need to be addressed

prior to certain aspects of love making.

For example—and this is a big one—what if you are pre-surgery, or not going to have the surgery? What if you prefer women and still have a penis? What if you prefer men and still have a vagina?

What if you are bi, pan or fluid and have to worry about all of those factors?

Even in today’s more enlightened community, those physical issues can cause problems in potential relationships and sexual encounters. We certainly do not want to become objects of curiosity.

We are, after all, people who have struggled greatly with our gender identity and sexuality. The fear and insecurity that most people face entering into something new is scary. For us, it can be both paralyzing and frustrating.

To bare one’s soul to every potential partner and face the serious risk of rejection because of a body part is heart breaking. If you meet someone in a bar and the rejection happens in private, it can also be dangerous.

Imagine coming out as a lesbian, only to be rejected by all women to which you are attracted because you had or still have a penis, in spite of everything else that makes for a good relationship? How would you cope?

People have been badly hurt and scarred by such rejection because many members of society still define things by what’s between someone’s legs and not what’s between their ears or in their heart.

As we learn more about sexuality and open ourselves to more of the world, barriers and labels fade away, and we are all simply people. All people desire and deserve to be loved, as they are, without expectation or judgment.

Shandi Strong has been active in the community for many years. She is a past vice-president of the Oscar Wilde Memorial Society, sits on fundraising committees at the Rainbow Resource Centre and acts as Advocacy Coordinator for Pride Winnipeg.

This past Pride she became the city’s first trans Grand Marshall and hopes to do more to raise awareness of trans issues in Winnipeg.

SHANDY’S TOP 10 DATING TIPS be happy with who you are. be honest with yourself about what you expect from a relationship.

be careful, accurate and honest on public dating sites.

come out when you

understand that

are comfortable.

be prepared for the inevitable rejections involved with dating.

sexuality is fluid. don’t limit yourself based on a label.

with friends as they will inevitably be part of the relationship.

surround yourself

meet in public places

be considerate and patient.

enjoy it! dating should be fun.

for your first dates.

For more dating tips from Shandi, go to outwords.ca and find her article.

16 // www.outwords.ca // Winter 2015

Photo : Danelle Granger

OutWords // Feature

of varying orientations or reading books and watching movies with GLBT-inclusive themes and characters).

Teens may require multiple answers to their questions in order to maintain a sex-positive and inclusive dialogue.

Safe sex between two women or two men looks different from safe sex between a man and a woman.

Parents should teach children about developmental changes as the children grow. This can help children discover their own sexuality.

INCLUSIVE SEX-ED

for children and teens

W

By Katy MacKinnon

hen you look back on your childhood, can you remember when you first learned about sex?

and many of these suggestions apply to both, the points below are SERC’s suggestions to assist parents.

Maybe you learned through school, or perhaps that more mature friend of yours broke the news on the playground.

If you received a comprehensive sex education through both your parents and your school, consider yourself lucky. But did those conversations include topics such as sexuality and gender identity?

It’s important for parents of all genders and sexual orientations to bring forth conversations about sexuality and gender, but this topic can be tough to address throughout a child’s life. Linda Plenert, sexual and reproductive health facilitator from the Sexuality Education Resource Centre (SERC), shared some guidelines for parents in need.

“We are sexual beings from birth to death,” Plenert says. “Even young children have questions about sexuality.”

Though Plenert says the best sex education for children comes from a variety of sources, including parents and teachers,

Children begin learning from their parents when they are held, cuddled and breast/bottle fed.

Age-appropriate sex-ed

It’s normal for young children to touch and explore their bodies.

Children begin learning gender roles from around ages three to seven.

If a child is old enough to ask a question about sex, they are old enough for parents to answer honestly.

Navigating the discovery of sexual orientation

Inclusive safe sex talk Many parents will need to familiarize themselves with sexual activities common among youth today in order to understand all forms of sex.

Parents can educate themselves about safer sex and the issues that are involved (for example, how alcohol and drug use impacts decision making, power dynamics in relationships, and so on) and then discuss these with their children.

Parents sometimes deny their children’s sexual activity and/or the kinds of activities they may be engaging in.

Breaking through this denial is key.

Parents can support the education system’s teaching of these topics. Teachers are sometimes afraid to be specific in the classroom because of fears that a student will go home and talk to their parents who may then be upset and contact the school.

Parents can asses their own knowledge and then find the information they need in order to discuss certain issues with their children.

While some parents may have difficulty initiating sex education with their children, it’s never too late to start. “With time, it may become easier for both youth and parents,” Plenert says.

For resources and programs on sexual and reproductive health, visit www.serc. mb.ca.

Parents can model acceptance and diversity in the home (for example, sharing stories that involve individuals

Katy MacKinnon is the publisher behind the food blog My Dish is Bomb (mydishisbomb.com).

Teens may become aware of their adult sexuality around ages 12 to 18.

Winter 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 17

OutWords // Feature

INTIMACY WITHOUT

01

02

Communicate

Plan a date night

It sounds simple, right?

But with a subject like sex, discussions can be hard and even uncomfortable. If you want to have a discussion about sex, it can help to set a time or let your partner know that you want to talk about it. This can help you and your partner think about it, formulate some thoughts and be ready to be open.

Even if the conversation isn’t deep or life changing, remember that the trust you build tightens your intimate bond

Whether you are in the beginning stages of your relationship, a few years deep or even a decade in, quality time outside of your house or regular routine can be lovely.

A dinner, movie night, pancake breakfast, concert or just a nice picnic can give you time to connect or reconnect with your partner.

Spending quality alone time can make you feel warm on the inside and remind you of your love for them.

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03

Savour the small things Have you noticed the way your partner looks at you that makes you blush instantly? Or how they are the big spoon first because it helps you sleep faster?

Or how they tell you every detail of their day because they want to share every moment with you? These moments can make you fall in love with your partner again and again. These small things can happen everyday but can mean so much. Try finding moments of your own when you’re with your partner.

It might put a smile on your face.

04

Write love letters Getting a hand written, thoughtful letter might sound a bit old school, but the gesture is incredibly romantic and intimate. Whether you write the letter to your partner or vice versa, exchanging love letters is a great way to communicate feelings that could be hard to talk about. It also gives reassurance to your partner that you love them and helps you both remember the reasons you fell in love in the first place.

05

Take care of each other Having a cold, the flu, PMS or being stressed, anxious or depressed can happen to everyone.

Whether you buy cough medicine, run a hot bath or support your partner through rough times, you are creating an intimate bond with each other. Being there and having someone to rely on are essential to every relationship. It’s not always the easiest thing to stay by someone’s side when the going gets tough, but the gratitude, appreciation and happiness you share are incredible.

N

ot all people in romantic relationships have sex. Maybe someone isn’t ready.

They might not feel the need to have sex or they might be uncomfortable with their body, be unable to have sex the way people expect it to be or be in the process of learning to love their body. There are many reasons why sex can be off the table. And they should always be respected.

Here are 10 of the many ways to stay intimate and connected in a relationship without having sex.

Hopefully these tips are helpful and give you ideas of ways to be intimate without having sex. Just remember, you love your partner for who they are, and sometimes sex is just not in the picture.

By Danelle Granger

THE SEX

06

07

By Danelle Granger

Be physical Sex isn’t the only physical thing you can do in a relationship. Depending on how comfortable you both are, you can have massage nights, baths or showers. Massaging is a great stress reliever, and it can be nice to have your partner that physically close to you.

Showering and bathing together can also be stress relieving, and it’s always nice to have someone wash your hair for you! Snuggle in close and relax with each other, or play with each other’s hair. Being physically close is a perfect way to literally feel connected and it creates intimacy and trust with your partner.

Danelle Granger is an aspiring journalist with a passion for feminist and queer issues.

08

09

10

Help with hormone shots

Build a fort!!! (my favourite)

Share physical activities

If you’re in a relationship with someone on testosterone or oestrogen, helping them with their shot—whether giving shots or massaging the injection site—can be extremely intimate. You and your partner are sharing a very personal moment. The person receiving the shot is showing you vulnerability, and you are showing your partner you care and support them.

When my partner and I build forts in our living room, it’s so fun! We reorganize everything and make it cat proof.

Once it’s all set up, we get to be in a small, comfy space with each other and forget about the rest of the world. Put on some romantic movies (or any movies you and your partner enjoy), get your favourite snacks or wine and spend some quality time together.

There’s nothing more intimate than being in a happy bubble where you don’t have to share your partner with their cat.

Go for a walk, run, bike ride, gym workout, zumba or clean your place together! You can have intimate conversations while working out your body, which pumps you with endorphins—just like sex—and makes you feel good overall. Doing this with your partner can make you two feel closer while you share a common interest in being healthy and active.

Cook together While you and partner prepare dinner, you have some time to talk and have fun. This can be a great time to talk about serious issues or everyday things. Either way, you trust each other to make a meal. You are communicating and enjoying each other’s company. You or your partner could even cook a favourite meal while you learn new things about each other.

Winter 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 19

Photo : Steph Johnson

OutWords // Feature

OutWords // Feature

different sexual needs W hat can you do when your partner’s bedroom needs are different from yours? With all the different fantasies, kinks and sexual desires, it is not uncommon for couples or sexual partners to have different bedroom needs. Don’t worry! It doesn’t mean you can’t have great sex.

There are lots of things you can do to make your sex life amazing, even without having all the same sexual interests.

Sometimes it just takes a little time and determination. Oh, and lots of practice.

Here are some basic tips for when your bedroom needs are different from your partner’s.

20 // www.outwords.ca // Winter 2015

Communicate

It’s important to discuss what both you and your partner need and want out of your sexual relationship. Discussion helps you to feel comfortable and fully enjoy sex.

Discussing your sexual needs can be an uncomfortable topic for some, so it’s important to remember that it is completely healthy to have fantasies, kinks or things you find pleasurable. You both must remember to be vocal about what you feel is needed to get the most out of sex.

When talking about what your needs and wants are, it’s important to make sure that no one feels judged. Keeping an open mind is an important part of communication. It’s also good to discuss

By Faith Ginter

not only what you want, but what your limitations are.

Although it’s possible for limitations to change later on in the relationship as trust grows, discussing what you and your partner are not comfortable with will help you show respect towards each other, and it will make sex all the more fun for both of you.

Don’t feel bad about your limitations No matter how much you communicate, there still might be some things you’re uncomfortable with. That’s okay! It’s important to keep communicating with your partner if there is something that you just don’t feel comfortable doing.

You do not need to feel bad for being unable to do something, even if it’s

OutWords // Feature

something your partner is really interested in doing. Feeling okay and comfortable with the sex you and your partner are having is key to having a healthy sexual relationship.

If you feel that you are ready to try something new with your partner, don’t feel pressured to dive all in at once.

Starting off with slow steps and small changes is a good way to help your mind and body adjust to something you were once uncomfortable with.

Be patient Telling your partner what your needs from sex are may not mean that your partner will immediately be comfortable doing it. It may take time for them to adjust to something new. Taking small steps with your partner will not only help them feel more comfortable, but it will also build trust, which is really important when trying new things in a sexual relationship.

It’s important to wait for your partner to let you know when they are ready to try something new instead of trying to talk them into it. Respecting your

partner’s limitations will help them feel more comfortable trying new things in the future.

There may come a time—at any point in the relationship—where your partner tells you that they will never be comfortable doing something, even if it is the one thing you feel you really need in a sexual relationship. Respecting that is very important.

Don’t try to talk them into it. At this point, you have to decide if it is something you can live without doing. If not, this is the point to analyze if the relationship is beneficial for both of you.

Compromise When you and your partner have different needs, it’s important to make sure that you both feel like your needs are being heard. Taking turns doing what you and your partner enjoy can be a good way to explore the needs you both have. Or, if you are both comfortable, try working small things that either you or your partner enjoy into your usual sex routine.

This helps you both slowly adjust to something new while also getting to do

something you enjoy. If you find that either you or your partner just can’t get on board with doing something, look for something else you both enjoy!

There are so many great things to try with sex, from different positions to things like bondage or role playing. Trying something new together is a good way to find something you both like.

At the end of the day, it’s all about what both you and you partner think is most beneficial to your relationship and sex life. There are so many ways to handle having different bedroom needs.

It may take some time to figure out what will work best in your sexual relationship, but as long as you remember to keep the communication going—while respecting the desires and limitations of all involved—you really can’t go wrong.

Faith Ginter is 19. They were born and raised in Winnipeg, Manitoba, and identify as gender neutral. Their goal is to pursue a career in journalism and illustration.

“

Discussing your sexual needs can be an uncomfortable topic, so it’s important to remember that it is completely healthy to have fantasies, kinks or things you find pleasurable.”

Winter 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 21

OutWords // Feature

“

It’s galling to hear the same people who vehemently opposed the notion that being gay is a choice now attack bisexuals with the same rhetoric.”

By Doug Knight

The ‘B’ is there for a reason

F

ifteen years ago, I told my friends and family that I am bisexual. I marched in the parades, advertised in Swerve and did my best to support GLBT causes. I did what was asked of me and made sure that I was counted among those who believed same-sex sex to be no less perverse or immoral than straight sex.

So, it hurt when a former friend politely explained that I was not a part of his

22 // www.outwords.ca // Winter 2015

community and it really hurt when I was assaulted by a gay man to discourage me from joining a gay/lesbian organization that stated “gay-friendly also welcome.”

Strictly speaking, I guess I am not a part of the gay community, but we bisexuals are at the very least gay adjacent. We have suffered many of the same injustices and shared many of the same experiences.

Like many gay men, I have been called, and treated like, a faggot.

OutWords // Feature

To straight bigots, we’re all the same.

It’s like the old joke: “If you play piano once, nobody calls you a pianist, but you suck one cock...” We need the protection and support of a community as much as anyone. I don’t want to fight the same fight twice. If same-sex sex is okay, then it’s got to be okay for everyone.

Let me dispel a few ignorant misconceptions and answer a few questions about bisexuals I’ve heard over the years.

First off, having sex with a bisexual man is just like having sex with a gay man. Despite it not being covered in my school’s sex-ed class, gay sex is not difficult to understand.

Another characterization of bisexuals is that we’re just gays who can’t admit that we’re gay. Once again, coming out as bisexual does not score you any points with straight bigots. I can’t imagine that if I had been attacked by gay-bashers, yelling out “I’m only bisexual!” would have in any way mitigated the beating.

Also, I didn’t come out to make myself appear cooler. In 2000, if you wanted to look cool, you bought a leather jacket, shades and a motorcycle. You didn’t tell people you were bi.

I have also heard that bisexual men are just straight men who are so oversexed that we’ll jump in bed with anyone.

I can’t say I don’t have a high sex drive, but I generally find that it helps to be attracted to the men or women I have sex with. Sometimes, it’s even nice if I like these people. I have no interest, for example, in being intimate with men who talk shit about bisexuals.

If attracting partners was my primary goal, coming out was definitely

the wrong move. It made things more difficult with gay men, and being openly bisexual cut out a large number of prospective women. There are many women in this world who have no problem accepting GLBT people in principle, but it’s not easy finding one willing to live with the reality of a bisexual partner.

Like most people, gay or straight, I have made many mistakes over the years and have many regrets. I did not always love the people I’ve loved as well as I should have—not because I’m bi, because I’m human. I had a few wild times when I was younger, but there were lots of gay men there having fun too, no matter what lie they tell their hubbies today.

Looks to me like we all made mistakes.

It’s galling to hear the same people who vehemently opposed the notion that being gay is a choice now attack bisexuals with the same rhetoric. I became bisexual at conception, of that I have no doubt. I made a choice to pursue those feelings and a high sex drive may have helped with that decision, but it certainly didn’t cause me to be bisexual.

As far as choice is concerned, I made many of the same kinds of decisions that many gay people make. I made many choices about when and with whom I would have sex. And, I choose to be open about my sexuality, partly because it has helped a cause I believed in, but mostly because I couldn’t imagine pretending not to have loved the men I’ve loved.

People who are bi have it rough.

Re:searching for LGBTQ Health reported that bisexuals use mental health services more than lesbian and gay people. It cites part of the reason as being stigma, prejudice and discrimination against people who are bi.

However, there aren’t many resources in Winnipeg specifically for people who are bi or pansexual. There are places online for people who are bi to congregate. bisexualplayground.com is a place for bisexual folks to meet other bisexuals.

The Bisexual Resource Center is located in Boston, but it can be a great resource for bi folks everywhere! bisexual.org works to help bi folks all over the world!

If there are any great bi resources in Manitoba, OutWords would love to know about them! Email editor@outwords.ca

Doug Knight lives in Winnipeg and has been openly bisexual since 2000. He works servicing computers as Doug’s Technical Help.

Winter 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 23

OutWords // Feature

Grey matters

By Wes Funk

L

Meanwhile, a not-all-that-brilliant story becomes an international bestseller and gets turned into a blockbuster movie, simply because the book is dirty.

I can guarantee I wasn’t the only author in the world who shed a couple tears as Grey sat on the Top 10 sales list in bookstores across the planet, month after month.

It’s the age-old question: Does sex sell? Is society really so shallow that its latest literary fixation would be a series labelled mommy porn rather than something a little more spiritual or educational? Or does society simply need a break from reality? Maybe people just need to escape.

Even Disney is not so wholesome in all this! Each Disney movie that temporarily rules the world contains

24 // www.outwords.ca // Winter 2015

Photo : Danelle Granger

ike many novelists, I was slightly bitter when Fifty Shades of Grey took over the world.

Here I was, a reasonably talented novel writer, who had poured countless hours of blood, sweat and tears into properly writing my books (each one took more than three years and several drafts to complete), only to have them sell a mere few thousand copies each. an element of the whole sex-sells thing—Elsa being their most recent popculture queen, with a sensual, diva-like presence.

Several of my own readers have complimented me for including just the right amount of nookie in my novels. I thought it ironic when my chick-lit book Cherry Blossoms won a National CBC Bookies Award for the Steamiest Read. The book really wasn’t all that steamy, but the story had one great sensual scene that was just provocative enough to titillate readers without being offensive.

In my novella Dead Rock Stars, about two-thirds into the plot, Jackson Hill and his love interest finally go at it on the kitchen counter. Just as the two are about to dive into supper, they dive into each other! They then hastily decide to

skip the meal (for the time-being) as they lustfully make their way up to the bedroom. One of my biggest fans emailed me and said, “Wes, thank you for not taking me past that bedroom door!”

That email spoke volumes to me! A sassy contemporary novel doesn’t need pages and pages of sexual decadence, but it probably shouldn’t be as wholesome as a Sunday picnic either. A good writer must figure out where the balance is when it comes to including sexual content. That perfect balance has to work for both the author and the readers.

Wes Funk is an Edmonton-based novelist and freelance writer. His novel Dead Rock Stars has been incorporated into various curricula and his book Cherry Blossoms won a National CBC Bookies Award.

Between-the-sheets reading

OutWords // Feature

Erotica reviews Wild Girls, Wild Nights: True Lesbian Sex Stories Review by Danelle Granger This book of lesbian erotica, edited by Sacchi Green, is a compilation of short stories about hot love affairs, sex bringing lovers closer together, first lesbian experiences and kinky fetishes.

It was only a half satisfying read. The first half had shorter stories focused solely on the sex. Some weren’t believable and others were questionably unsanitary. The second half had more substance and explored relationships alongside the sex. These were more relatable. Each author has different writing backgrounds and the different styles were interesting. Dialogue and detailed description made the stories come alive.

This book was also eye opening. It shows many ways lesbians have sex, including fetishes and kinks. “Odds,” one of the stories, has a lowkey style and a wishful factor about it. The characters are warm, relatable and make you feel happy when you read their experience. This was one of the deepest stories as the characters were really inclusive.

The sex in it was great and had a romantic feel.

Overall, 70 per cent of the stories are sexy, hot and able to get a reader in the mood.

The other 30 per cent may have you questioning sanitary issues and believability.This is a great erotica novel to start with if you’ve never read lesbian erotica before.

Tangled Sheets: Stories & Poems of Lesbian Lust Review by Danelle Granger Written in the early 1990s

by Dionne A. Falconer, this lesbian erotica focuses on typical lesbian stereotypes—the butch and the femme. It has two sections: the first half is composed of short stories and the second half of poems. The short stories vary between loving relationship stories and kinky sexual experiences.

The stories focus more on the people involved than the sex acts they are doing. This is a great way to make these stories and situations relatable and relevant in the readers’ personal lives.

One story in particular stood out. It was about a woman who had recently ended her marriage and got to hook up with her fantasy crush. This experience made her remember her ex-wife and gave the story an emotional feel on top of a great sex encounter.

The poems were short and sweet and reflected many points of view of lesbians and how they feel about their identity and sex. Some were simply written and others more detailed and powerful. If you are looking for an emotional but sexual read, this is great erotica for you. It’s an easy transition from story to story to poem.

Gay Haiku Review by Wes Funk The well-loved book, Gay Haiku, is celebrating its 10th anniversary. Joel Derfner writes in a variety of genres, but this was his first and most successful publishing accomplishment.

Inspired by a turbulent breakup, Derfner takes readers on a spiralling, sexy and side-splitting roller-coaster in colourful haikus, poking fun at himself and the stereotypes of gay life.

These are not your mama’s haikus. Derfner boldly discusses topics like subway sex and screaming matches

between boyfriends parting ways. He does it all in a succinct manner too. After all, haikus are only 17 syllables and three lines long!

If you are not a fan of poetry, check out Derfner’s other books (Swish is another favourite). But if you are someone who loves to get lost in poems, then Gay Haiku is the book for you.

Incidentally, if you have never embraced poetry, this might be a good opportunity to give it a go. Gay Haiku is a swell introduction, and there are many other beautiful gay poetry books out there. Look for the blinding pink cover and you won’t be disappointed.

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TICKETS AVAILABLE AT THE HAPPY COOKER, MCNALLY ROBINSON BOOKSELLERS, RAINBOW RESOURCE CENTRE AND FROM RHP MEMBERS

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Winter 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 25

adonis 1/2 ad Family Medicine and

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OutWords // Feature

Hot and real Today’s queer porn YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW WHERE TO FIND YOUR FAVOURITE QUEER-FRIENDLY PORN. IF NOT, WE’VE DONE A LITTLE DIGGING, AND WE’VE COME UP WITH A LIST OF OUR FAVOURITE SITES.

W

inner of the Feminist Porn Award’s Best Website in 2011, queer filmmaker Shine Louise Houston’s Crash Pad Series (CrashPadSeries.com) aims to show real women and queers getting it on. People of all genders have hot, sometimes kinky, always real and often genderbending playtime.

The series is based on 2005’s dyke cult classic The Crash Pad, which takes place in “a secret apartment in San Francisco dedicated to hot, queer sex,” according to the website. The ethics behind Crash Pad include strong commitments to consent, safer sex, equal pay and showcasing diverse ethnicities, ages, body types and abilities. Performers create their own scenes and are often couples or play partners in real life.

Courtney Trouble’s QueerPorn TV (QueerPorn.tv) is of a similar ethos.

Its tagline reads “proud modern sluts, hard core trans* sex, feminist queers + more!” Its “real queer sex ed” shows people of all genders and orientations, kinky or not, at their “raunchiest, filthiest, rawest, most passionate, radical and real.”

Signing up for $27 USD a month, three days for $15 or options of two, three or six month passes (six months is $125) gives you access to QueerPorn TV as well as Trouble’s Indie Porn Revolution and Fat Girl Fantasies. Scenes and longer films can also be purchased from the site individually.

For more trans woman porn, look up Doing it Ourselves: The Trans Women Porn Project. Tobi Hill-Meyer’s hot collection shows trans women having sex the way they want it, with partners of all genders. The project began with a group of trans women who were sick of how trans women are portrayed in porn.

It’s on Trouble Films and is available for $20 USD. And check out the sequel, called Doing it Again: In Depth.

Also worth looking up are porn stars Drew Deveaux, who won the 2011 Feminist Porn Award for Heartthrob of the Year, and Chelsea Poe (ChelseaPoe.com), who posts hot trans woman porn on her site.

If you are looking for something that is not only porn but also educational, Buck Angel’s Sexing the Transman series is a documentary about FTM sexualities that features graphic excerpts of trans men playing, woven together with highly personal dialogue.

For more tran man action that’s less educational and more pure sex, check out FTM Fucker (FTMFucker.com), James Darling’s Feminist Porn Award– winning website (2013), for straight, gay and queer FTM porn. You get a month for $24 USD or five months for $95.

Bonus Hole Boys (BonusHoleBoys. com) is another option if you want to see trans on cis male action. The site includes interviews with performers about their experiences and desires. You can rent full-length movies for 2 days for $15 USD or buy for $17.

Xtube.com is a site suitable to anyone’s desires or orientation. The YouTube of sex, Xtube is created by the same people who watch it. There are options to pay, but most content is free, and users can create a profile to favourite videos and photos, make friends and upload their own porn.

Larkin Schmiedl is a freelance writer living and working in Vancouver, B.C. He loves to write about social and environmental justice, especially when it comes to other trans people.

“

People of all genders have hot, sometimes kinky, always real and often gender-bending playtime.

You can support all this and get access to more than 200 episodes for $25 USD a month, or $9.99 a month for a full year.

Winter 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 27

OutWords // At Home With…

1

At Home With…

W

alking into Lynne Robidoux Burndorfer and Linda Burndorfer’s home, it’s hard not to be jealous. With high ceilings, gorgeous deco and a huge backyard, it’s a dream home created by a couple with a dream relationship.

“I make every room my room, honey,” says Lynne. Then she laughs. You want to believe her, but it’s hard to, looking around.

Lynne’s sculptures sit alongside Linda’s pieces.

The two art lovers point out what they bought for one another, what they inherited from family members and what they found together.

Here are a few of their favourite spaces in their home.

By Meg Crane, Photographs by Elizabeth D’Alessio

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We’re not living in the Exchange District, but we kind of wanted to make it look like it would fit in that environment,” Lynne says. They had the brick wall put in a few years ago during renovations to help achieve the look.

“The backyard for me is my sanctuary,” Linda says. The yard is split into different areas, including this space, which is the Greek region of the spacious yard. “It just gives us a park setting in our backyard,” Linda says.

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Lynne and Linda hang homegrown peppers from their new stove. This is one of their favourite spaces in their home because of their love of cooking.

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When they met, Linda had many Southwestern features in her home and Lynne owned many soapstone carvings. “It was kind of like South meets North,” Linda says.

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Lynne and Linda had the backyard redone for their wedding, at which time this fireplace was installed to keep guests cozy. “We wanted to create an oasis back there, which we did,” Lynne says.

Meg Crane is the editor of OutWords and the founding editor of Cockroach.

28 // www.outwords.ca // Winter 2015

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OutWords // At Home With‌

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Winter 2015 // www.outwords.ca // 29

REVEALING AN STI

By Meg Crane

Y

ou have an STI. So, now what? Medically dealing with it might not be the toughest part. The hardest part could be telling potential partners.

There are a lot of misconceptions about many STIs. While the word “HPV” sounds terrifying to some, an estimated 75 per cent of sexually active people will have the STI at some point in their sexual lives, according to Cancer Care Canada.

Facts don’t make telling a potential partner easier, though. So, do you educate them and then bring up your

STI? Or do you mention your STI and then do a little education, hoping they don’t run out the door first?

Whatever you do, it might be a good idea to bring up the conversation before hitting the sack. “I have herpes, so make sure to put on a condom,” isn’t really great pillow talk. However, it can be a great dinner discussion.

In any type of relationship, be it purely sexual or a longterm romantic partnership, it’s a good idea to have check-ins to see how everyone is doing.

Starting this habit off right near the beginning with a dis-

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30 // www.outwords.ca // Winter 2015

cussion about sex before things get kinky can be a good way to kick off a healthy relationship.

Even if you don’t have STIs, discussing sex before jumping in the sack is a good idea. There could be between-the-sheets activities that are triggering to someone who has been sexually assaulted. There could be body parts someone feels particularly self-conscious about that make certain positions uncomfortable for them. And, of course, there could be an STI to watch out for.

Your bringing up the subject might even bring potential partners relief. Perhaps they have an STI and didn’t know how to bring it up up, or they didn’t know if they should.

Maybe they are always concerned about STIs and not knowing what their partner does and doesn’t have causes them anxiety in bed.

Another downside to just playing it safe with protection but keeping the STI a secret is that if a long-term relationship involving sex is established, you’ll have to admit that you kept something from them.

Besides creating a safer, more comfortable and open environment in the sack, discussing STIs can help weed out people who aren’t right for you. If someone hits the road the moment you mention that you’re HIV-positive, instead of compassionately listening to what you have to say and voicing their concerns before deciding whether or not they want to pursue a sexual relationship, do you really want to be with them?

Meg Crane is the editor of OutWords and founding editor of Cockroach.

GETTING TESTED Before you can tell anyone you have an STI, you need to actually know you have it. Your family doctor can do the test. Below are a few other locations where you can find out what you’ve got going on below the belt.

BRANDON 7th Street Health Access Centre 20 7th Street 204-578-4800 Brandon Public Health Services (Anonymous HIV testing) A5 - 800 Rosser Avenue 204-578-2500

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE Teen Clinic 204-857-6843 ext. 11609

WINNIPEG Klinic Community Health Centre 870 Portage Avenue 204-784-4090 Mount Carmel Clinic 886 Main Street 204-582-2311 Nine Circles Community Health Centre (Anonymous HIV testing) 705 Broadway 204-940-6000 NorWest Co-op Community Health Centre 61 Tyndall Avenue 204-940-2020 Youville Community Health Resource Centre 6 - 845 Dakota Street 204-255-4840 Women’s Health Clinic 419 Graham Avenue 204-947-1517

OutWords // Comic

OutWords // Feature

We Are Proud to Stand Up for All Manitobans!

Greg Selinger

Jim Rondeau

Rob Sharon Altemeyer Blady MLA for Wolseley 204-775-8575 RobAltemeyer.ca

MLA for Kirkfield Park 204-832-2318 SharonBlady.ca

Andrew Swan

Melanie Wight

Nancy Allan

Ron Lemieux

Deanne Crothers

Erna Braun

MLA for St. Boniface Premier of Manitoba 204-237-9247 GregSelinger.ca

MLA for Burrows 204-421-9414 MelanieWight.ca

MLA for Assiniboia 204-888-7722 JimRondeau.mb.ca

MLA for St. Vital 204-237-8771 NancyAllan.ca

MLA for Dawson Trail 204-878-4644 Ron-Lemieux.ca

MLA for St. James 204-415-0883 DeanneCrothers.ca

MLA for Minto 204-783-9860 AndrewSwan.ca

MLA for Rossmere 204-667-7244 ErnaBraun.ca