Self-awareness for all
MASTER OF YOUR EMOTIONS Attitude : the 5th skill
E L P M SA
An approach for all Blue chapters
For everyone Green chapters
For the youth Purple chapters
For parents and coaches
From theory to practice
A coach present throughout the book with internationals coaches and players who share their experiences with you.
Violence, stress, listening … Direct access to 27 specific themes.
63 63 exercises
… to put into practice !
www.e4peditions.org
Self-awareness for all ATTITUDE : LA 5e COMPÉTENCE
MASTER of your EMOTIONS Practice makes perfect ! Tactics Fitness
Mind
hnique Tec
Attitude
Attitude – the 5th skill “ Sport has the power to change the world. It has the power to unite in a way that little else does. It speaks to youth in a language they understand. Sport can create hope where once there was only despair. It is more powerful than governments in breaking down racial barriers. It laughs in the face of all types of discrimination.” Nelson Mandela
INDEX
Part 1 : EMOTIONS RUN HIGH IN FOOTBALL ! Controlling your emotions = controlling yourself 1.1 Football, emotions and well-being . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
9 • Football is intense ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 • Our emotions can get the better of us . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13 • Emotions and well-being . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 • Managing your emotions is a skill . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16
1.2 How emotions affect performance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
• Impact on energy levels . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 • Impact on skills and tactics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21 • Impact on concentration and motivation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 • Impact on behaviour . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23
1.3 Learning to master your emotions – it’s like learning to master the ball ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
• Practice makes perfect . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26 • Performing well in all areas of life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28
Part 2 : HOW CAN WE DEVELOP OUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE ? 2.1 Understanding how emotions work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 • Our internal weather system 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • The role of emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • Our three brains . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • A palette of emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • Emotions and thoughts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • Emotions and needs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . - Human needs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . - Emotions tell us about our needs 2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • Anger and violence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • Finding out more about needs and requests . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • Our emotional glass . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
2
34 36 37 38 40 42 45 50 54 56 60
INDEX
2.2 Developing practical tools . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tool No 1 : Self-awareness 3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . - Developing your inner observer, being centred . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . - Releasing tension 4 5 6 7 8 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . - Conscious breathing 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . - Creating a protective bubble 17 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tool No 2 : Thought awareness 18 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . - The thoughts you have about yourself 19 20 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . - Managing the past and the future and living in the present 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 . . . . . . . Tool No 3 : Conscious communication . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . - Knowing how to say no to something and to voice your anger in a non-violent way 29 30 31 32 . . - Giving praise 33 34 35 36 37 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . - Listening with empathy and taking criticism another way 38 39 40 41 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
63 64 66 68 72 76 78 79 82 86 87 96 98
2.3 Putting the theory into practice on the pitch . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
103
•Y our relationship with your team, your coach, your parents, the referee and the other team 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • Learning how to be a good winner and a good loser 51 52 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • Where to start ? 53 54 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
104 114 118
Part 3 : PARENTS AND COACHES 3.1 Teaching today . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 123
• Our teaching objectives . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • Modern authority . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • Respect, violence, self-esteem and relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • Competition : a double-edged sword . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
124 126 128 136
3.2 The four keys to respectful communication for well-being and performance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 139
• Our habits and their effects . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • Listening properly 55 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • Giving praise 56 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • Being respectful when we’re not happy with something 57 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • Hearing the suffering behind the violence 58 59 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
140 142 146 148 150
3.3 Teaching with respect to teach respect . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 157
• Being a role model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 158 • Learning to communicate 60 61 62 63 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 160 • Respect on the pitch and in life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 166
3
THEMES
27 books in 1 Another way to read this book !
Affirmation
Emotional glass
Performance
86 to 96, 111, 146 to 149
60, 98, 153
Anger and Violence
Emotions
17, 20 to 23, 27 to 29, 45, 78, 79, 83, 104, 105, 146, 147, 160
14, 54, 55, 91 to 95, 100, 101, 128 to 132, 150 to 155
16, 17, 20, 21 to 23, 34, 36, 38, 39, 40, 42, 50, 51, 60, 61
12, 23, 40, 41, 112, 119
Authority
Energy
Relationships
126, 127
20, 74, 75, 82, 84, 94, 95, 104 to 107
86, 104, 106 to 109, 112, 113, 118, 140 to 143
21, 64 to 77, 82, 83
Fear
Responsibility
Breathing
12, 16, 36, 37, 39, 40, 64, 65, 73 to 77
40, 41, 78, 79, 84, 91, 92, 104 to 107, 136, 137, 158, 159
Being centred 72 to 75
Coaches/Teachers/Parents 123 to 129, 134 to 137, 157 to 167
Communication 139 to 143, 146 to 151, 160
Competition 136, 137
Confidence and Self-esteem 45, 46, 48, 79, 80, 81, 85, 114, 115, 133 to 135, 146, 147
Referee
Judgements
Stress
79, 90, 96, 100, 101, 148, 149, 153, 154
21, 37, 60, 70, 75, 82
Listening
23, 105 to 107, 113, 114
98, 99, 142 to 145, 150, 151
Team Thoughts
Making a request
40, 41, 78, 79, 80, 82 to 84
50, 51, 59, 90, 148, 149
Values
Motivation
80, 81, 114, 115, 132 to 135
19, 22, 79, 84, 85, 146, 147
Victory and Defeat
Needs 42 to 51, 56, 61
4
114 to 117, 132
EXERCISES
63 opportunities to progress Know yourself better
1 2 3 18 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 51 52 53 54
Know how to listen and express yourself to be heard
Spot your emotions ........................................ 35 Spot your needs ................................................. 53 Develop your self-awareness ..................... 64-65 Focus your attention ...................................... 78 Transform your mistakes and store them 82 Approach a challenge with confidence 82 Leave your worries in the dressing room 83 Shut the door on each disappointment 83 Mental image : Strength ............................... 83 Mental image : Calm ....................................... 83 Find your motivation ..................................... 84 Living a victory .................................................... 114 Living a defeat ...................................................... 117 On the pitch ......................................................... 118 In a match .............................................................. 119
29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42
The attitude of champions
4
5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 48
43 44
Feeling good in your body and good in yourself .......................................... 68 Tensing and relaxing ....................................... 68 Awareness of your body in movement 69 Cleansing your emotions ............................. 70 Fall asleep easily .................................................. 71 Conscious breathing 1.................................... 72 Conscious breathing 2 ................................... 72 One minute re-centring ............................... 72 Feel and amplify your breathing ............ 73 Emergency re-centring .................................. 73 Inhaling when you need energy ............. 74 Exhaling when you want to calm down 74 Quickly find your calm ................................. 75 Create your bubble .......................................... 76 Play cool-headed ............................................... 112
45 46 47
49 50
Parents and coaches
55 57 58 59 60 61 62 63
Feeling good
19 20 28 56
Stop judging yourself ...................................... 79 Strengthen your self-esteem ..................... 81 Build your self-confidence .......................... 85 Learn to mention positive things .......... 147
Conscious communication 1 ................... 89 Conscious communication 2 ................... 89 Asserting yourself with respect .............. 90 Letting off steam ............................................... 94 Learn to see what is going well ............... 96 Say it while talking about you .................. 96 Giving praise 1 ..................................................... 97 Giving praise 2 ..................................................... 97 Giving praise 3 ..................................................... 97 Ask for the listening you need ................... 99 Practice being a good listener .................. 99 Hear the needs behind criticism 1 ............. 100 Hear the needs behind criticism 2 ............. 101 Observe how you function ....................... 104 O bserve how your team-mates function 105 The relationship with yourself ................. 106 The relationship with your team ........... 106 Contribute to a good atmosphere ....... 107 Practice to say what you like and what you don’t ......................................... 108 Your relationship with the other team 113 Your relationship with the spectators. 113
5
Listening properly ............................................. 143 Learning to talk about ourselves ............ 149 Learning to listen empathetically .......... 151 Escaping the spiral of violence ................ 155 Everyday relationships .................................... 161 Dealing with aggression ............................... 161 Paying attention to ourselves ................... 161 Learning to handle intense emotions . 161
EMOTIONS RUN HIGH IN FOOTBALL !
Self-discovery comes when man measures himself with an obstacle Antoine de St Exupéry
6
Football, emotions and well-being page 9
How emotions affect performance page 19
Learning to master your emotions – it’s like learning to master the ball ! page 25
7
EMOTIONS RUN HIGH IN FOOTBALL !
Football is intense physically and emotionally That’s why we love it. The excitement, the hopes, the dreams ; there’s nothing like it to make you feel alive !
10
1.1. FOOTBALL, EMOTIONS AND WELL-BEING
A football match is a rush of emotions All the emotions of life are there, but in fast motion.
sadness, disappointment
anger
excitement, thrills
fear, anxiety
joy, confidence
Because football’s a fast game, because the creative possibilities are endless, because hope can turn to despair in a split second, because a team can dominate the game but never score a goal, because the result is often close, because anything is possible, and the final score is never a foregone conclusion. For players and spectators alike, a football match is an intense experience filled with all sorts of quickly changing emotions.
Emotion is when you go from laughter to tears, from anger to joy. The more unpredictable it is, the stronger the emotion. Steven, 15
11
misery, frustration
EMOTIONS RUN HIGH IN FOOTBALL !
We all want to be happy and we all want respect, for ourselves and those around us, in life as well as on the pitch But sometimes it’s easier said than done ...
What do I do when someone doesn’t respect me ? How do I get them to show respect without resorting to violence ?
What do I do when I get so angry I can’t control it ?
What about you ? Do you ever see red, want to explode or actually lose control ? 14
1.1. FOOTBALL, EMOTIONS AND WELL-BEING
Learning to be happy We learn a lot at school, things that help us to progress and get a job.
WORK OL SCHO
Rela t
ions
hips
But until now, far too little attention has been paid to teaching us how we function and what we can do to feel good about ourselves and others. This is something we have to learn on our own, by trial and error.
B
“ When the day comes when societies give even the youngest individuals as much information about who they are – the mechanisms that allow them to think, desire, be happy or sad, calm or anxious ; in short, what allows them to live – as they Times are changing. We now have this knowledge, and it’s available to everyone. We now talk about well-being, emotional health and so on.
ng
el
f
Ha pp ine
Yet knowing how to be happy and how to get on with others is just as important as all the rest.
ys m
ss
The same is true of our spare time. We like to learn to do things that help our development and are fun.
SPARE TIME
ei
give information on the most effective way to produce goods, … the daily lives of individuals will be transformed.” Henri Laborit, 1976 French physician, writer and philosopher
Adults are making these discoveries too. For them, it’s a case SELFof new things to learn DISCOVERY and habits to change. RELATIONSH IP
15
Happiness
Relationships
SELFDISCOVERY IS ONE OF THE GREAT ADVENTURES OF THE 21ST CENTURY.
Being myself
Young people today have the privilege of being able to acquire such knowledge early in life.
S
EMOTIONS RUN HIGH IN FOOTBALL !
Impact on concentration and motivation Concentration : Performing well means being completely focused on what’s happening at any one moment and taking in information to anticipate what will happen next. If some of your attention and energy are being wasted on emotions about something that’s already happened, you can’t be fully focused on what’s going on now.
OI !
Motivation : Motivation really is the key to performance. When you’re motivated, you’ve got boundless energy. You’re unaware of the time and effort involved. But when your motivation drops, so does your enthusiasm and, with it, your performance.
Think about it :
OBJECTIVE
What motivates you ? What demotivates you ? The answers have always got something to do with emotions. The better you understand your behaviour, the better you’ll be able to maintain your motivation and act on what demotivates you, either by addressing the external factors if possible or by doing something about the way you deal with them within yourself.
22
1.2. HOW EMOTIONS AFFECT PERFORMANCE
Impact on behaviour As soon as something’s at stake, you want to succeed, you’re more on edge, you react more impulsively and gestures or words may slip out, perhaps towards the referee or your opponents. Then it’s a yellow, or even a red card. And when your team’s down to ten as a result, they’re really up against it.
Even with your own team : When you get annoyed with someone because they give the ball away or they’re not in the right position, this creates tension in the team.
When you turn up for a match fed up or bothered by something and are subdued and not as active as usual on the pitch, this affects the energy of the whole team. THE TEAM’S ENERGY
YOUR EMOTIONS
affect
which affects which affects
YOUR BEHAVIOUR
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THE TEAM’S PERFORMANCE
HOW CAN WE DEVELOP OUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE ?
The empire of man is internal Antoine de St Exupéry
30
Understanding how emotions work page 33
Developing practical tools page 63
Putting the theory into practice on the pitch page 103
31
HOW CAN WE DEVELOP OUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE ?
The role of emotions Emotions help to make us feel alive. They prepare the body to react to a given situation. Each type of emotion causes physiological changes and natural instinctive reactions. Joy
Sadness
Helps us enjoy the pleasurable things in life and share them with others. It energises us.
Helps us to absorb a loss, disappointment or painful situation.
There‘s a release of endorphins anderotonin, known as the “happy” hormones.
The parasympathetic nervous system takes over, slows down the metabolism and lowers our energy levels.
Outgoing, open, laughing, dancing …
Withdrawn, crying …
Fear
Anger
Warns us of danger and so protects us.
Generates energy to change an unwanted situation. It gives us strength.
Blood flows to the leg muscles (so we can run away), the face goes white, hormones are secreted to raise the state of alert and there is a moment of paralysis (to allow analysis and decision).
The sympathetic nervous system acts : the heart beats quicker, breathing intensifies, blood flows to the hands, there’s a release of adrenaline ; all of this prepares the body for attack. Aggressive, shouting, agitated …
Frozen, fleeing, trembling …
These are our reactions, which are connected to the reptilian and limbic parts of our brain. We humans also have the neocortex, a part of the brain which allows us to decide what we do with the signals of our emotions and to choose our actions. 36
2.1. UNDERSTANDING HOW EMOTIONS WORK
Our three brains As a result of evolution, there are actually three parts to our brains. 2) LIMBIC
Emotions, sensations. Emotional memory, classifies an experience as + or –. Seeks out what is pleasant and runs away from what is unpleasant.
3) NEOCORTEX
1) REPTILIAN
Thoughts, reasoning, language, creativity. Helps to control our thoughts and behaviour.
Instinctive REACTION
Considered ACTION
Survival, basic physiological functions (breathing, digestion, etc.). Instinctive behaviour to protect and defend ourselves.
When faced with major stress or excitement, we tend to “regress” ; we don’t use our third brain – we’re controlled only by our reptilian and limbic brains. We lose our capacity of reflexion and act by automatism, without taking into account the situation as it is. We lose control. We’re no
longer master of ourselves. Understanding this phenomenon allows us to be less subjected to it. We can develop our ability to take a step back from events. (See page 64)
37
HOW CAN WE DEVELOP OUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE ?
Our emotions tell us what is important to us … BECAUSE SUNDAY’S MATCH HAS BEEN POSTPONED.
We think that how we feel has some external cause.
I’M MAD !
But in fact, even if an emotion is triggered by an external event, how we feel comes from something inside us. DESIRE TO PLAY
This becomes clearer when the same external cause triggers different feelings.
I’M FURIOUS BECAUSE I REALLY WANTED TO PLAY, I WANTED TO HAVE A GOOD TIME WITH MY MATES.
I’M RELIEVED BECAUSE I HURT MY ANKLE IN TRAINING, SO NOW I’LL HAVE A BIT LONGER TO RECOVER.
HEALING
And suddenly, this completely changes our way of thinking and talking about things. It’s one of the keys to changing from a reptilian footballer into a thinking footballer.
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2.1. UNDERSTANDING HOW EMOTIONS WORK
…they tell us what we really need EVERY LIVING BEING NEEDS CERTAIN THINGS TO SURVIVE AND FLOURISH, AND WE HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION TO THESE BASIC NEEDS.
Also in nature, everything that lives has needs. For example, a plant needs :
light, heat
water
food All plants have these needs, but not to the same extent. Each plant is unique : some need more shade, others more sun ; some need a lot of
water, others less. A gardener pays attention to each plant’s needs and to the signs they show.
If a plant’s needs have been met, it shows and the plant thrives.
If its needs have not been properly met, this also shows.
43
HOW CAN WE DEVELOP OUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE ?
Know how to be a good winner When we win, we’re happy and we’re perfectly entitled to enjoy it and express our delight.
Reflex : look at yourself Are you a better person because you’ve won ? Remember : you count, you’re unique, and nothing can change that, win or lose. This is the key to being a good winner ; it’s what creates a good atmosphere between the two teams after the match and also helps you be a good loser.
51
ow do you celebrate winning H while respecting the other team trying to cope with their defeat ?
A good way is to picture how you feel when the roles are reversed : When my team loses and the other team wins, can I accept that the other team want to celebrate their victory ? What don’t I mind about their celebrations ? What do I find hard to swallow ? How would I like them to behave towards us ? Visualise your next victory. Keep this awareness of the other team in your head and treat them as you’d like to be treated yourself. Discuss it with the rest of the team. It’s easier if you’re all singing from the same hymn sheet.
114
Preventing violence You now know that violence is a clumsy, tragic expression of suffering. If the other team is very sensitive to defeat, by moderating your celebrations in front of them you’re taking their suffering into account and helping to prevent violence.
2.3. PUTTING THE THEORY INTO PRACTICE ON THE PITCH
Learning to be a good loser In a football match, there’s always a final score and usually winners and losers. Losing is an inevitable part of the game. So it’s in your interests to learn how best to stomach it !
Reflex : look at yourself Are you less of a person if you lose ? No. Remember : you are valuable irrespective of your performance. This is the key to being a good loser in a world that would have us believe that the better we perform, the more we count. If you’re aware of your worth, you can be disappointed by defeat without it defeating you, and you can accept the other team’s victory.
Understanding what happens to us when we lose We go through several stages, it’s natural. They’re called the stages of grief and we go through them after all losses, whether it’s the loss of someone we care about, an endeavour, like a match, or even an object.
1) Denial “No, this isn’t happening.” For a while, you can’t accept the reality of the situation.
2) Anger Then comes the angry phase. To vent your anger, you take it out on someone, sometimes on everyone. It’s then that you’re most likely to have a go at a team-mate, an opponent, or the referee.
115
PARENTS AND COACHES
This part is specifically for you. Please take the time to read through the other parts, which have been written for the youngsters, because they include a lot of information that’s also important for you and won’t be repeated here.
All grown-ups were once children although few of them remember it Antoine de St Exupéry
120
Teaching today
page 123
The keys to respectful communication for well-being and performance page 139
Teaching with respect to teach respect page 157
121
PARENTS AND COACHES
Moving from power-based authority … This is the kind of authority we’re most familiar with. It’s what we experienced as children and it still applies to most hierarchical relationships. • It’s based on the power to master, dominate, make others submit and lead them even against their will. • It doesn’t consider individual needs and it doesn’t allow the child or young person – or the adult they become – to develop fully. • It’s the source of a lot of suffering and violence in relationships. • It teaches us to respect the rules through coercion and fear of punishment. It creates a lot of people lacking in confidence, submissive or rebellious, trying to bend the rules at every turn. Their relationships with others are based on survival of the fittest. We were brought up with this kind of authority. And even if we didn’t always like it as children (many of us still carry the effects of things said or done by adults who hurt us or harmed our development), we reproduce it because it is often all we know.
THE YOUNGER GENERATION HAS A DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIP WITH AUTHORITY. POWER-BASED AUTHORITY DOESN’T WORK ANY MORE. AS ADULTS, WE OFTEN FEEL POWERLESS FACED WITH THE BEHAVIOUR AND REACTIONS OF YOUNG PEOPLE NOWADAYS.
126
3.1. TEACHING TODAY
… to authority based on mutual respect There is another kind of authority It’s the result of greater knowledge of how people function and what helps them perform, thrive and be respectful of others. (See pages 34 to 59) • It’s based on mutual respect between people, taking everyone’s needs into account. • It allows the child or young person – and the adult they become – to thrive. • It allows people to enjoy their relationships and overcome conflict constructively. • It teaches respect, and all the rules of life, by developing awareness of ourselves and others, and because we see the positive effect it has on our quality of life. • It allows young people to develop into independent, responsible adults with their own moral code. Their relationships with others are based on mutual respect. This new form of authority is still in its early stages, but it’s spreading rapidly because everyone who discovers it (parents, teachers, coaches) sees it as a way of living in line with their teaching objectives, and because the positive effects on children and young people can be seen instantly.
This new form of authority means : - seeing every child as a person who has needs just like an adult ; - a new form of everyday communication ; (see pages 140 to 155)
and it fits the aspirations of the younger generation.
127
PARENTS AND COACHES
Respect on the pitch
Football, one of the most emotionally charged of all sports, is a fantastic training ground for the emotional and interpersonal development of young people.
• Improving players’ individual and team performances. • Preventing and defusing violence on the pitch.
Helping young people to develop their emotional and interpersonal skills on the pitch…
• Encouraging respectful football.
• Helping everyone get more enjoyment out of training and matches.
166
3.3. TEACHING WITH RESPECT
Respect in life
… and getting the most out of your role as a football (and life) coach, for the young people and for you :
Giving young people the keys to :
Helping to : - prevent violence off the pitch ; - a nd create a respectful society.
- understand themselves better ; - feel better about themselves ; - enjoy easier and happier relationships ; - perform better and be more successful in everything they do.
167
THANKS
Bringing this book into existence was an extraordinary adventure of sharing and co-creativity. The Education 4 Peace Foundation hereby expresses its gratitude to all those who contributed to its realisation. Conception, writing, illustrations and layout Mark Milton, Catherine Schmider, Carlo Trinco and Bernard Thiry Including the contribution of : Bernard Ambit Jérôme Andrey Alain Aschbascher Sibylle Baumgartner Agathe Beetschen Farès Berhail David Bettoni Sebti Bouguerra Frances Burkhalter Philippe Cattier Allan Cosandier Boris Cyrulnik Thomas d’Ansembourg Isabel d’Arenberg Yves Débonnaire Arnaud Durand Saleem Ebrahim Richard Fallon Isabelle Ferrer William Gaillard Rémi Garde
Patrick Gasser Svenja Geissmar Eric Goiran Annie Gosselin Christian Gourcuff Frédéric Hamelin Gérard Houllier Iris Hugo-Bouvier Lou Inglebert Christian Junod Klaus Karstädt Guy Lacombe Claude Le Roy Nicolas Longo Frank Ludolph Claude Martinelli Michèle Meuwly Nicole Milton Esther Mueller Michèle Nicolet Jean-Yves Ogier
Delphine Oltramare Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain Jean Pagès Gérald Passi Rosette Poletti Michel Pont Alexis Proniewski Emmanuel Rival Muriel Rosselet Didier Roustan David Rovera Andy Roxburgh Diana Rucli Mercedes Schaffter Franck Thivilier Martin van der Meulen Jan Carel van Dorp Jean-François Vulliez Theo Walcott
Realised thanks to the commitment and support of the UEFA.
With the kind support of The Arsenal Foundation, the Fondation Antoine de Saint Exupéry pour la Jeunesse and the Foundation Olympique Lyonnais.
169
The seeds to sustainable peace amongst human beings are in our children’s education Mark Milton, Founder of E4P
www.e4p.org
The Master of your Emotions programme is supported by the UEFA within its football & social responsibility programme RESPECT.
uefa.org/social-responsibility/respect
A programme of the Education 4 Peace Foundation, intending to introduce Attitude as the 5 th skill in the world of football and sports in general.
www.e4peditions.org
In a match we experience a concentration of emotions, everything is more intense than usual, that’s why we like it so much. You feel really alive, like nowhere else ! But there are times when our emotions get the better of us and we really lose control. That’s why football and sport in general are an ideal context for learning how to control and be the master of our emotions. The result of five years of research and practice in collaboration with the UEFA, this book was created to stimulate interest in self-knowledge and to strengthen the link between well-being and performance. It’s been written for young athletes, parents, coaches and teachers, both in football and other sports. Using various approaches, this book gives practical information on our relationship with our emotions and our thoughts. It proposes keys for remaining in control of ourselves in difficult situations. The common thread throughout this book is listening : the key to getting to know ourselves and improving our relationships with others. The preface is by Boris Cyrulnik ; this book has the support of leading figures in the world of football who accompany you and share their experiences from the field : Yves Débonnaire, Rémi Garde, Christian Gourcuff, Guy Lacombe, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Gérald Passi, Michel Platini, Michel Pont and Theo Walcott.
16 € T.T.C.
Founded in 2002, Education 4 Peace (E4P) is a not for profit foundation. Its vocation is to inspire people active in education, those who make decisions, institutions and international organisations, to include peace, self-knowledge, listening and altruism in the education of future generations. All of the profits from the sale of this book will go to the programmes of the Foundation.
www.e4p.org