Philippine Collegian Tomo 97 Lampoon Issue

EXCLUSIVE

4

Genius Gentrifying Hacks to Groom the Poor (Number Three Made Them Completely Disappear!)

HERE’S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW about Uncle Shawn’s Macho-warmachine

NETFLEX MAYOR DUDIRTY Get to know how Dudirty inspires Yorme’s style in an exclusive one-on-one interview

BE AN ATTRACTIVE

STRONG MAN WITH THIS SIMPLE DAILY ROUTINE

DUGYOT DAYS ARE OVER HOT!

Yorme’s ways on how to treat your girl right

Dec 2019-Feb 2020

EDITOR’S LETTER

Macho Man

BEAGRA PUENTE Editor-in-Chief MARVIN ANGTIGAS Associate Editor

M

Macho is what makes a man.

That’s how the country’s “best and brightest” leaders view their manhood.

The world’s worst imaginable nightmares were no match, for there’s not a single thing a macho man can’t handle.

Still, imagine how wearisome the people have been. They might have not choked on volcanic ash a few weeks ago, but now they might just kick the bucket with a virus on the loose. There is no escaping these disasters, especially when it’s the government that abandons you in the midst of it all.

We have been helpless in the face of these crippling global concerns, thanks to the Dudirty government. It’s been in bed with China, while a lot of us might as well be hacking our lungs out on our deathbeds. But how can Dudirty begin to address our needs, when he can’t even take care of himself?

In an exclusive interview with Mayor’s Health, the prexy bares all his deepest, darkest secrets about his health—a matter he’s long been mum about. The symptoms of his rotten state have been evident since Day One, but we’ve got the juiciest scoops short of his date of death.

Our poor Tatay Dudirty might not be such a strongman after all. His health hasn’t really been on a tip-top shape, which is, of course, to be expected of an official so busy pretending to attend to the nation’s clamor. He himself couldn’t help but frown on how stressed he’s been. Understandable, really, since murdering thousands of people, in his drug war, did take a toll on his body, now pocked with smears and spots that could put a Van Gogh painting to shame.

The OG mayor was so frustrated that he had to seek help from another strongman in the making—Iscumoreno. With top secrets to living a healthy lifestyle, the new mayor surely knows what tips to tell his idol. Flip to page 6 to find out how Yorme still hides his hideousness on the inside! Check out page 4 to know how he manages to still look cool while keeping the city clean, vandals be damned.

2 MayorsHealth.com / December 2019-February 2020

TROJAN IRVING GRINDIA Meanwhile, KIKIM PUTOK Dudirty works Managing Editors on getting back in shape and continued to flex his guns. It’s a great way COCKRING ENRIQUEZ to convince himself of his invincibility, to fool himself into thinking he could bully Business Manager his critics into silence. Fake it ‘til you make it, as they say. “It wasn’t easy, though,” the RICHARD HORNYLIO prexy told Mayor’s Health, rather tearfully.

Features Editor Other trapos following in Dudirty’s footsteps are, inevitably, bound to end up SHEILA ABURAT as noxious as he is—Iscumoreno being no exception. Unless he stops treating Kultura Editor Manila like a laboratory for his tantrums and theatrics, he might end up just like ROSEX GUIA ABOGANGBANG his idol, ailing and desperately failing.

Graphics Editor Though Iscumoreno POLYNNE DURA told Mayor’s HERE’S ONE REALIZATION HE Health he’s SALSAL DEL CASTILLO HAS GAINED THUS FAR: BEING positive a ISAAC RAMBALLS former star MAYOR AIN’T NO JOKE, BUT Kultura like him IT’S GOOD TO HAVE FUN could never KENTAI FLORINO reach such FROM TIME TO TIME. DANIEL SEBASTAMOD DAIZ a point, he’s prepared for MARTINIRA SINGH this possibility. Iscumoreno shares with us News the hassle of getting rid of “eyesores,” just to beautify the city, which is so noble he MARIANOTA ABIO probably deserves an MMFF award.

ABOLITAS BOI-SIR Maybe the only ones he didn’t shed Features a tear for on TV are the poor residents he shooed and swatted away. It’s a pity this isn’t a tawdry drama. This is an action KARLA SANTAMARIANGPALAD blockbuster, and the poor will doubtless LUCKINKY DELA ROSA come back guns-a-blazin and smash his EBI-J VILLA kind like a whack-a-mole.

NIKKI TENGENA Both Dudirty and Iscumoreno, JAMES PATILLA however, said they’re ready for that. As seasoned government officials, they sure PATRICIA POPPERS know how to handle people’s disapproval.

Graphics “The people would not be angry for long—that’s for sure. We just need to AMELYN MAGA appeal to them, sway them, and then TRINISOME GABALES they’ll eventually forget what they were GINA BUKAKANA mad about in the first place,” Dudirty said.

Really, a macho man can do wonders.

Auxiliary Staff Flip the pages of this issue of Mayor’s Health to know more about how today’s ARI GABALES most prominent leaders manage to look PABORTA JAENA strong while stripping people of their OMAR OMAMANI basic rights and liberties. Is it really as Circulation Staff easy as they say? Read on to know more!

SPECIAL THANKS TO THE UP REPERTORY COMPANY

COVER PHOTO KIKIM PUTOK

STYLE

BARE NAKED Get to know Yorme’s style inspo in an exclusive one-on-one with Mayor’s Health

By Cockring Enriquez

When it comes to keeping up with the trend, homegrown Manila boy Yorme Iscumoreno surely knows what’s in and what’s not. From baring his skin in films at the prime of his youth, to putting on an everyday show as a mayor, the former That’s Entertainment star has definitely come a long way.

Thanks to his showbiz experience and tips from the original mayor, Dudirty, Yorme has learned how to instantly catch people’s attention and the media’s heart.

But if you think you’ve seen him in his most daring role yet, think again because Yorme has so much more to show this time, as he conquers the action-packed streets of Manila.

But how does the Yorme sets himself apart from his Davao counterpart? (Hint: He does not!) Give way, Mayor Dudirty, there’s a new Yorme in town.

Q: What is your proudest accomplishment so far as a mayor?

A: Aside pa sa pagiging pinaka-pogi? [laughs] Well compared to Erap and Lim, I think I’m the only mayor who became popular for baring my skin on screen. More than that, I’m proud to say that I have never, and I will never steal from the poor because I understand their struggle. You know, galing ako ‘don eh. I just don’t understand why they have to be so dirty. As the famous saying goes, “Tapat Ko, Linis Ko”—that’s why this is what I do in Manila now.

Q: People love you so much, Yorme. It’s as if you never left showbiz at all. What is your secret to staying relevant?

A: I have my social media crew to thank for that. Lagi lang silang nasa ledgi ko to keep my fans, my constituents updated. Thanks to Facebook live, too, people get to see how hard I work for the betterment of Manila—you know, attending meetings, events, and removing vendors from the streets of Divisoria. It’s tiring, but I’m sure all these will eventually pay off naman.

Q: With all the activities that keep you busy, how do you maintain your youthful glow?

A: Simple! I cut toxic people off [laughs]. Yung mga nagpintura sa mga pader, ayaw papigil eh, inulit pa nang inulit. So ‘lam na this, wala kaming choice but to declare them persona non grata.

PHOTOGRAPH BY LUCKINKY DELA ROSA

MAKE-UP BY GABRIELLE VILLA

Q: Aside from your looks, people have also started noticing your hip style.

Who do you take fashion inspiration from?

A: Really? [laughs] Well my style is actually pretty common and traditional, like my politics. Eh sino pa bang poster boy no’n kundi si Mayor Dudirty di ba? He’s the figure I look up to the most. My actions as mayor are inspired by what he does as president. Eh mas bagay naman sa’kin yung sinusuot niyang polo shirts kesa sa Hawaiian shirts ng predecessor ko di ba?

Q: You’ve been in local politics long enough, so your fans are dying to know if you have any plan to clinch a national post—like the presidency perhaps?

A: Oh no, parang malabong mangyari yan. But if the opportunity presents itself, why not naman diba? Besides, I’m much too young, too hot, and too attractive to replace my idol. So, I think I’ll settle with being a city mayor for now. Who knows, once I’m ready for more mature roles, I’ll take the chance? Abangan na lang natin. We never know.

December 2019-February 2020 / MayorsHealth.com

3

1a

DUGYOT DAYS ARE OVER

2

4 Genius Gentrifying Hacks to Groom the Poor (Number Three Made Them Completely Disappear!)

By Abolitas Boi-sir and Marianota Abio

Do away with rumbling stomachs, bloody killings, poor health care service and oh-so-boring societal issues. Present yourself in a ravishing manner over and over, and soon enough, you’ll fool everyone into thinking you are getting by just fine.

Because here in Mayor’s Health, we care about the way you look more than anything. Check out these four easy ways to help you look rich even with an empty pocket!

1 The Art of Manscaping

There is nothing like a man who knows how to groom right.

Iscumoreno is such a man of vanity who always has to flex his every move to the media. But how do you stay as fresh as him even though you are stone broke? Just follow these steps and look rich in no time!

1a Stage one: Clean and control

To achieve that glowing look, clear all signs of blemish.

Displace vendors, scrub away protest art, and raid malls.

Imprison and fine street artists. If you catch them, make them erase their art using their tongues (Kind of unhygienic, but hey, it’s Yorme’s way!).

4 MayorsHealth.com / December 2019-February 2020

1c

two: Use the 1b Stage power of thinner

Blame it on street artists for making you clean their work and waste public funds for the clean-up.

If the tint does not come off, use another layer of paint to cover it up.

“Tosgas na naman!”

three: Eliminate 1c Stage ingrown hair

Pull out protest artists by illegally arresting and detaining them.

Attack militant groups for calling out political repression. And of course, make sure everything is well-documented and publicized for added pogi points.

Manscaping down to your balls is not enough to keep you looking smooth, but with these three steps, you will be flawless in no time—only at the expense of your guilt, if you have any!

MAKE-UP BY RENE PRINCIPE

2

Keep your B.O. in check

Cleaning the Manila streets is a tedious task for Iscumoreno. But how does he stay fragrant despite the pungent smell of pollution and human waste? Here’s what Yorme has to say.

First, establish your signature scent—the whiff of a robust man—to capture people’s attention. Second, shoo vendors away to put up the façade of a cleaner Manila.

This is how you simply cover up your B.O.—your burgis orientation. Just be ready with a back-up plan, though, if in case these tactics fail.

WARDROBE BY PAUL BRIAN KYLE ROXAS

GROOMING

3

4

3

Iskoba and the Shitland

Tae-tae island used to be the capital’s universal public restroom. Coliforms and other bacteria lived here in peace, but everything changed when Yorme paid a visit here, stepped on a doo-doo, thereby tarnishing his perfectly polished shoes.

Dyahe, he retorted. Because to look rich, one must never be associated with defecation—never!

Don’t lose hope just yet. Even if you shit, we can still achieve their refined looks with a bit of effort, and pints of Zonrox.

How? Scrub the grubby walls. Wash away the piss from the pavements. Sweep the grime. And most importantly, chase away the city’s primal nuisance: people forced to live here under the scrutiny of the revolutionary.

Clean every spot until all traces of poverty are wiped out and the city looks sparkling new.

PHOTOGRAPHS BY LUCKINKY DELA ROSA & PATRICIA POPPERS

1b

4 Tapat Ko, Tago Ko A basic rule to remember in our rich agenda: cars over people.

Almost everywhere you look, the streets of Manila are filled with unsightly obstructions. Debris are cluttered on sidewalks, appliances left lying near roads, laundry is done on gutters while clothes are hung in metal wires to dry in the pollution.

However, it is crucial in looking rich to have ample spaces where the latest car models can pass by without it getting scratched.

So, what do we do now? Hide every indication of manual and menial work.

Prohibit the important work in the everyday lives of the poor. Force them to maximize the constricted spaces of their shanties.

Poverty is never an excuse to look ugly, anyway.

With this, our brilliant Mayor will penalize residents who “loiter in the roads”, anywhere from ₱500 to ₱5,000

or imprisonment. We’ve already deprived them of their right to housing; why not deprive them even further of their right to work?

Dirty politics, corruption, malfeasance— the mayor will tolerate all mess except the “visual clutter” that may hinder his bid for a literal “clean and orderly” branding of the nation’s capital.

See, getting rich ain’t that hard after all! Which one do you think works best for you? Send us your feedback online! We’d love to hear from you.

December 2019-February 2020 / MayorsHealth.com

5

Netflex

A fitness vlogging guide for techy health buffs

By Isaac Ramballs Gusto mong maging vlogger, magpapogi, at magpalaki ng muscles? Wag nang lumayo pa dahil with Iscumoreno’s fitness vlogging tips, pwede nang matupad ang pangarap mong maging next papi ng bayan!

Pag-isipan ang branding bilang ito ang magpapagana ng buong vlog. Sa simula, magpanggap muna. Kahit sa tingin mo’y dugyot ang mahihirap at hamak na eyesore, use their slang at ipakitang concerned ka sa health nila.

Pumili ng camera, gimbal for stability, at mic. Dapat brusko

ang boses, panay naka-nguso, mukhang matapang at may paninindigan, parang totoong tinutugunan ang viewers’ needs.

Mag-live video sa lansangan para adventurous. Dapat active: naglalakad, nagbubuhat, naglilinis ng sukal. Invite other vloggers and media for more publicity; puhunan mo ito.

Sa pagsikat mo, mag-gimmick para mas mapag-usapan. Bilang health buff, ipakitang hangal ka sa kalinisan. Pagbantaang ipapadila mo sa may pakana ang vandals nila. Dahil mas galit ka rito kaysa sa mga mapagsamantalang totoong

nagpaparumi sa lipunan, ibaling sa kanila ang atensyon, ituring silang toxic to health.

Para mukhang desidido, ikaw mismo’y magbura ng vandals.

Wag intindihin kung sigaw ito ng basic sectors, basta’t isiping it’s detrimental to the city’s health; ayaw mong mamulat ang mamamayan at maamoy nila ang mabahong amoy ng sistemang bulok.

Itodo ang pag-flex ng iyong testosterone levels.

Diinan ang pagbura para kitang-kita ang biceps at mga litid.

I-flex pati brain cells mong lulong sa pagkalalaki at mababaw ang pananaw sa art.

Sundin lamang ang mga tips na ito at surefire na di ka lang magiging fit, magiging famous ka pa!

Be an attractive strong man with this simple daily routine

By Polynne Dura Iniiwasan ka ba dahil sa bronzebrown, mamantika, at malaki mong katawan—dahil ikaw ay isang strong man? Wag mag-alala dahil sa daily routine inspired by Iscumoreno, hindi na lang pangarap ang kahumalingan ng lahat!

First step: never skip leg day.

Maglaan ng oras para maglakad sa iyong siyudad. Usisain ang bawat kalye, at siguraduhing walang nakatambak na basura, o manininda. Habang naglalakad, magbuhat ng weights, gaya ng maso. Wasakin ang motherboards ng mga video karera machine

upang palakasin ang muscle mass ng mga braso.

Magalit sa mga nagtitinda nang walang permiso mula sa city hall.

I-flex ang pagka-masunurin sa batas, di gaya ng ibang strong man na gumagawa ng krimen para ipakita ang lakas.

Pangalawa, baguhin ang wardrobe para sa ultimate imagechange, ika nga’y “clothes make the man.” Epektibo ang puting polong naka-tuck-in upang ipakita ang kalinisan. Magalit rin sa nagpapadumi sa mga pader, at subukang burahin

6 MayorsHealth.com / December 2019-February 2020

ang mga “vandal” para sa cool down matapos mong gibain ang kabuhayan ng mga residente ng Maynila.

Pangatlo: ayusin ang lenggwahe.

Habang malutong magmura ang iba, maging kontra-agos—gamitin ang wika ng kalsada. Para dehins ka lang jeproks, mukha ring madali kang lapitan dahil u belong, Yorme!

Panghuli, ang susi sa lahat— publicity. Imbitahin ang midya, gamitin sa fullest potential ang Facebook live upang ipalabas sa marami ang bawat hakbang, at makikita nilang iba ka nga.

Malalayo ka sa stereotype ng mga strong man — pinagkakatiwalaan ka, di kinakatakutan, at syempre, tinatangkilik. Matagumpay mong nabago ang iyong imahe at ngayon, ikaw na ang santo ng pagiging macho!

HOW TO’S

Nail it!

Yorme’s ways on how to treat your girl right

By Salsal Del Castillo Maraming may gusto sa dirty and rough sex. Pero para kay Iscumoreno, wala nang mas nakaka-turn on pa sa kalinisan— ‘good clean fun’ sex.

Kapag inaalagaan mo nang mabuti ang sarili mo, parang inaalagaan mo na rin nang mabuti ang girlfriend mo. Kaya para kay Yorme, nakabatay din ang pagiging gentleman sa paninigurong malinis ang iyong katawan.

Bago mag-aya ng date, linisin muna ang iyong kapaligiran: paalisin ang maninininda sa eskinita, huwag mo nang pabalikin.

Nang minsan kasing pinabalik ni

Yorme ang manininda sa Divisoria, bumalik din ang basura, napaisip siya kung sadyang baboy ba sila.

Payo din niya na huwag kalimutang hugasan si junior, mag-ahit, at alagaan ang kutis— panatilihin ang iyong charisma at youthful look ala-bomba star para kahumalingan ka ng lahat.

Kung laging may sinasabi si Iscumoreno sa harap ng kamera, ganoon din siya sa kama. Para sa mas titillating dirty talk, magtootbrush nang maigi—takpan ang baho ng salitang lumalabas sa iyong bibig tulad ng pagnanais

mong ikulong ang hindi sumusunod sa batas.

Oras na rin para magkaroon ka ng new look, ng makeover na tulad sa Jones Bridge. Sunod mo namang i-spice up ang iyong personality. Huwag maging boring, lalo na sa kama: sorpresahin si partner tuwing sexy time parang surprise inspection ni Yorme sa Maynila.

Sa pagiging malinis napapakita ni Iscumoreno ang kanyang charming personality na mahal ng

kahit sino, mula sa mga kabataan hanggang sa matatanda—bagay na pinupuri ng marami, kahit marumi ang kaibuturan.

Pero di naman ito mahalaga, it’s just sex.

Bombaclout

Sex tips from Iscumoreno’s titillating films

By Sheila Aburat Hindi enough ang appearance, PR mula sa mga erp at pa-thirst na vlogs para maka-score. Kaya salamat dahil may mga biniyayaan ng full package gaya ni Yorme Iscumoreno na laging ready sumaklolo at magbigay ng hot tips without scheduled appointment.

Huwag malito; payo ni Yorme, mukha lang pakipot ang girls pero g yan. Pwede mo rin itong i-act, kagaya ng pagpapatigil niya sa sex trade sa Isetann Mall; kaya sorry na lang sa affordable blow job services dahil need itong gamitin para sa full-blown soft boy imaging.

Ang community cutie ng Tondo noong 1993 na daddeh na ngayon ay nagsimula bilang mayamang taga-Maynila na nang-exploit, este yumanig, sa mundo ng sweet girl na tubong-North na ginanapan ni Priscilla. Sa pelikulang Exploitation ng ating Yorme, true to life ang exploitation kay Almeda na allegedly nagsampa ng case against the filmmaker. That was hot!

Alinsunod ang tactics niya sa ugaling macho—saktan mo ang babae dahil gusto naman nila yon. Eat all you can, ika nga ng isa

pang pelikula ni Yorme hanggang sa hindi na gusto ni bebe ang ginagawa n’yo. Layon n’yong maging uncomfortable, parang art. Pwede ring maging kinky hanggang umabot sa kasuhan.

Best doon si Yorme kahit in public after mobilizations—pinosasan ang mga progressive artists kahit walang warrant.

Kung may length problems, alam din ni Iscumoreno ang gagawin.

Magdala lamang ng props gaya ng martilyo at pwede mo nang mapaligaya ang iyong partner.

Gamitan ng tamang-tamang angle

at syempre, t i m i n g .

Sa kumpas ng pangulong Dudirty, isabay mo sa programang komonestah wipe-out ang pag-forward ng mga ordinansa naaantala sa pangaraw-araw. Sexy mang-abala ng buhay ng may buhay.

Wag kakalimutang punasan ang iyong semilya pagkatapos makaraos. Kung di matanggal gaya ng graffiti, patungan na lang ulit. If you know what I mean.

December 2019-February 2020 / MayorsHealth.com

7

FOLLOW US ONLINE MAYORSHEALTH.COM

COMMENTS? SUGGESTIONS?

I

It’s hard to imagine Captain America as not the ultimate hunk. Before training with Uncle Shawn’s Macho-warmachine (USM) and being injected with supplements, the jock was but a scrawny nobody.

To cement influence in the fitness scene, USM needed a success narrative which Captain America’s transformation gave: a classic zero to hero story inspiring those who want to go macho.

But it seems the fitness giant’s promised of transformation isn’t fulfilled for all. In this exclusive exposé, we look into the fitness industry’s biggest names and cast our verdict.

We talked to one of its most loyal patrons, Dudirty, an agriculture-based company CEO who said he trains with USM because it’s one of his company’s stakeholders, helping them get fruits and veggies from poverty-stricken farmers for deluxe gym salads.

And while Dudirty seems drawn to transfer to upand-rising Oriental Dragon’s Fitness, he’s Uncle Shawn’s boy through and through. He even told us that he gets lots of resources from his company to finance training his guns, which for 15 years could amount to $40 billion. But for the $100 gym fee plus other expenses, Dudirty looks rather frail. He clearly gets so much less than he’s in for.

RATED Digs

Here’s what you need to know about Uncle Shawn’s Macho-warmachine

By Isaac Ramballs His face is rotting, his eyes twitching at times.

He uses a portable oxygen concentrator to keep himself fresh. Any way we look at it, USM’s super soldier marketing gimmick looks like a hoax.

We visited the North Carolina branch, the biggest, to see for ourselves what it has to offer.

Its neat interiors and complete equipment justify superstar status.

Motivational posters of fitness tycoon Shawn Smith declaring “I Want You!” and Captain America flexing his muscles fill the walls.

The gym’s been known for training members for competitions, so workouts

are intense. But horrible.

We found that sessions, costing hundreds of bucks, involve exercises like sit-ups, pseudo-pull ups, and Smith machine exercises, which fitness experts have advised against lest they negatively shape trainees’ bodies. With USM constantly opening up branches abroad, especially in Asia and the Middle East, it’s seen as a threat to healthy lifestyles and gyms that offer far better services.

Its trainers, however, insist it’s unique training.

They also pointed out how it’s Uncle Shawn’s Super Soldier Serum® that does the job—but this costs billions again so it’s often just elite members who can benefit.

USM has a bullish libido for dominance. Drafting all trainees into its own league, it seeks to compete in local and international competitions every now and then “to show everyone who’s boss.”

Since some trainees are underprepared, there’s a high risk of injuries. There’s been reports of the fitness giant confronting and filing lawsuits against smaller gyms that refuse to heed its interests.

Trainers are unfazed, insisting they prepare their trainees enough. “We help them bulk up, they help us win trophies. It’s a win-win situation,” one trainer said.

Dudirty also remains confident. “I’ll still side with Uncle Shawn’s. I’m going to be like Captain America one day,” he said.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

To cement influence in the fitness scene, USM needed a success narrative which Captain America’s transformation gave: a classic zero to hero story inspiring those who want to go macho.

DESIGN BY JAMES PATILLA KENTAI FLORINO