Piffle Magazine 2018-08 by Sargent's Piffle

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CITY SCENE MAGAZINE

August 2018 Issue #215

New Westminster Museum Curator Oana Capota and activist walker Mary Wilson will be taking footsteps into the past on Saturday, August 18th when they lead a historical tour of Twelfth Street. See story starting on page 8. Photos by Jason Vanderhill

“Let’s Get Ahead Together”

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Peter Julian, MP New Westminster – Burnaby

Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance.

Peter Julian’s Community Office (Near New Westminster SkyTrain)

#110-888 Carnarvon St, New Westminster

Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca

Imperial Pharmacy

Community Page �� 7 Locally Published Since 2000 Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5

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Homes, Hangouts and Hidden

History: A Walking Tour of Twelfth

Street by Rod Drown �� 8 Poet’s Corner with

Janet Kvammen �� 11 Sargent’s Number Blocks �� 12 A-Maze-In �� 12 Seniors Services Society �� 13 Kid’s Corner with Isaiah �� 16 Sargent’s Sudoku! �� 17 Sargent’s Math Madness �� 17 Pictograph by Ross Hood �� 18

Sargent’s Crossword �� 18 Sargent’s Word Search �� 20

Honeymoon Laughter by Evelyn Benson �� 22 Horoscopes by Liza �� 24 Piffle Locations �� 27 New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services �� 27

Puzzle Solutions �� 29 Piffle Quiz �� 29 Piffle Quiz Answer �� 31

Strata Living by Tony Gioventu �� 32 Piffle Business Directory �� 34

Letters from New West Lions �� 38

Judy Darcy MLA

A Strong Voice for New Westminster

judydarcy.ca August 2018

judy.darcy.mla@leg.bc.ca

604.775.2101

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Quarterly Report on Hearing Aid Prices We secretly research and reveal the prices of hearing aids from five hearing clinics in the BC lower mainland. The prices are clearly listed in this report - covering 4 levels of quality with an easy reference chart so you can see and understand how and why prices vary. With this market data, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll feel more confident to make decisions about buying hearing aids.

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THAT’S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE Did anyone notice that the “&”symbol looks like a dog dragging his butt across the floor?

Guy Quesnel 604-524-2922 771 6th Street New Westminster, BC Email guyd.quesnel@shaw.ca

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Tues to Fri 8:30 a.m.–5:00 p.m. Saturday 8:00 a.m.–4:00 p.m. Closed Sunday and Monday

WHAT A MICKEY MOUSE COMMAND I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands. They can’t say “Get down!” anymore when the President is under attack. Now it’s “Donald! Duck!” THE REWARD A boss announces to his staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!” A voice in the background says: “I’m offering 200!” ADOPTED Father: “Son, you were adopted.” Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.” A LISTENER? Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?” Me: “Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.” YOU CAN’T TALK A camel meets an elephant. The elephant asks jokingly: “Why do you have two breasts on your back?” The camel replies: “With a face like yours, I’d just shut up.” FEELS BETTER Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I’d still feel a lot more comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.

Call 604-364-7294

www.burnabysanta.com August 2018

THIS WILL HURT A LITTLE Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.” | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

THE ROOKIE

Vote Saturday, October 20 2018

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner.” No one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off the corner!” Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?” “Pretty good,” replied the veteran, “especially since this was a bus stop.” BIG FIGHT Last night there was a big fight in our local fish and chip shop. A lot of fish got battered. ONE FOGGY NIGHT Sometimes Those Who Try and Pull Rank Get Their Come-uppance One foggy night, a United States Aircraft Carrier was cruising off the coast of Newfoundland and the junior radar operator spotted a light in the gloom. Here is a transcript of what happened next. The radar operator worked out that a collision was likely unless the other vessel changed its course. So he sent a radio message. U.S. Aircraft Carrier Radar Officer: ‘Please divert your course at least 7 degrees to the south to avoid a collision’. Back came the reply: ‘You must be joking, I recommend you divert your course instead’. The U.S. Radar Officer referred the matter to his superior officer. And reported the incident as insubordination. As a result the Captain of the Air Craft Carrier sent a second message. ‘I believe that I out rank you, and am giving you a direct order to divert your course now!!!’ Canadian Radio Operator: ‘This is a lighthouse. I suggest you take evasive action.’

RE-ELECT

Submitted by Ray Sargent

Mary Trentadue

FOR CITY COUNCIL

www.marytrentadue.ca twitter: @marytrentadue info@marytrentadue.ca 778 773 2390 Authorized by Mary Trentadue, Financial Agent 778-773-2390

COW BELLS Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Because their horns don’t work. Knowledge talks, wisdom listens.

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August 2018

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IMPERIAL PHARMACY THE 15TH ANNUAL NEW WEST CULTURAL CRAWL

FRIDAYS ON FRONT

August 10-12, 11:00 a.m.-5:00 p.m., Various Venues around New Westminster The 15th Annual New West Cultural Crawl is an entertaining and interactive two-day event that celebrates New Westminster’s creative character, diversity and unique cultural background. Each August, we invite everyone from within New Westminster and around the surrounding region, to immerse themselves in this authentic experience by visiting local professional and emerging artists in studios, galleries, museums, and other diverse cultural attractions located throughout New Westminster. Beginning on August 10 from 5:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m., the Opening Night at the Anvil Centre will kick off the Crawl weekend. The New West Cultural Crawl is co-presented by Arts Council of New Westminster and the Van Dop Gallery.

Fridays on Front is a new weekly event to help celebrate the redevelopment of Front Street. Every Friday night through the summer (starting July 7), come down and enjoy live music, artisan vendors, and delicious food trucks. Even better, the area is fully licensed and will have Vancouver’s first bar truck, the Vagabond Bar Truck, serving local products Steel & Oak beer and Pacific Breeze wine.

OUTDOOR SUMMER MOVIE NIGHT We are taking the outdoor movie series to different parks across New Westminster this summer! Join us for these free events for all ages!

• Friday, August 10: Cars, Port Royal Park • Friday, August 24: Trolls, Sapperton Park Movies begin at dusk, approximately 9:00 p.m. Sponsored in part by G&F Financial and Park Georgia Realty.

FAMILY FRIDAY DROP-IN (ALL AGES) August 31, 12:30 p.m.-3:00 p.m., Irving House, 302 Royal Ave Every Friday afternoon this summer, families can enjoy fun crafts and activities for all ages in New Westminster’s heritage spaces. In August, join us at Irving House to explore Victorian life in the oldest intact house in the lower mainland.

QCB IN-HOUSE EVENTS The QCB is pleased to announce a back-to-basics approach to the summer hit ‘Quayside Boardwalk Festival & Sale’. On August 19 from 10:00 a.m.-3:00 p.m., come to the Quay along the Fraser River and experience the first annual Quayside Boardwalk Sale… a community yard sale. This is shaping up to be the largest, continuous, outdoor yard sale in the entire lower mainland. Please revisit this site often for new news on this great event.

MON TO FRI 9AM-6PM | SAT 9AM-2:30PM | SUN 9AM-1:30PM 981 Carnarvon Street, New Westminster | 604-523-6767 Look out for #1, and don’t step in #2, either.

8 Rick and Lisa outside Tiffany’s Grooming Salon.

HOMES, HANGOUTS AND HIDDEN HISTORY: A WALKING TOUR OF TWELFTH STREET Story and photos by Rod Drown

Obviously, Moody’s original design, given its trio of Dublin, London and Edinburgh streets, was symbolic in nature — meant to represent the three major components of the original United Kingdom — England, Ireland and Scotland. However, Moody’s grand Britannic vision did not come to be. Edinburgh became Twelfth Street and, under that name, it became the main thoroughfare of the West End. Edinburgh, Dublin and London Streets were relegated to the northern fringes of the city. Further insult: they were actually avenues! So, it is interesting to note that Twelfth Street, which in the latest New Westminster Official Commu-

Saturday, August 18 10:00 a.m. – 12:00 Noon 12th St & 10th Ave, New West

n the beginning, that is to say in New Westminster’s beginning, what is now Thirteenth Street was supposed to be the Main Street of this far flung British colony. Back then (say 1850) it was called London Street and, after leaving a planned civic square (perhaps modelled on the imperial centre’s Trafalgar) that extended out over the Fraser River, it went up the hill toward what is now Burnaby. London Street was planned by the Royal Engineers Colonel Richard Moody to be the main avenue of the district. August 2018

nity Plan, is designated to become one of a number of “Great Streets” (think Parisian-like evenings with wide streets, sidewalk cafes and craftsman shops), was not originally considered for this role. At least not by Richard Moody. This entire preamble is a way of introducing the next event in New Westminster Museum & Archives’ Historic Walks program: Homes, Hangouts and Hidden History. The last two words especially are the “teasers” in the invitation from Museum Curator Oana Capota to make your Saturday of August 18th more interesting. Her invitation encourages you to join her in a walk down one of our city’s pre-eminent Memory Lanes — Twelfth Street and a few of its side streets. Also sharing the guiding duties will be that extremely energetic New Westminster walker, Thirteenth Street resident Mary Wilson, originator of the New Westminster and Burnaby Walkers Caucus group, whose slogan is “Advocating for Walkers.” Mary is also one of the originators of the artwork embedded in tile at several places along Twelfth Street between Sixth and Tenth Avenues. According to the Museum’s original blurb on the event, part of the August 18th outing will be about “exploring the idea of home and transportation in the neighbourhood.” Ms Capota’s invitation is educational in its lure: “Learn about the street’s secrets, with its longgone orphanage…” As befitting a resource whose mandate is to explore the realities and practicalities | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

of yesteryear, “homes (and) trams” will also be featured. The walk is part of the Museum’s exhibits “Be/ Longing” and “People Gotta Move”. For those wanting to know a bit more about New Westminster’s past “street culture”, Oana and Mary promise a bit of “hidden graffiti and sidewalk history.” Also on offer is “a shocking story from the 1950s.”! You’ll have to be there. Those interested in taking Oana’s walk should meet at the northwest corner of Twelfth Street and Tenth Avenue. A question from Piffle about the origin and nature of the walk elicited this response from Curator Capota: “…the tour will focus on the stories about houses/apartments and

Ken at My First Car.

transportation along the way. For in the first government of Conservaexample, we’ll talk about the Provtive Prime Minister John Diefenbakidence Orphanage, Susan Chew’s er in 1957 from Vancouver Centre.) travails in 1956, the BC Electric line and so on.” Anyone who read last year’s e xc el lent t wo part series in the other local publication on the founder of New Westminster’s Waffle House by Sister of Providence Orphange. BC Archives photo. Cornelia Naylor will know the story of Susan Chew. Also of interest to me was that She was a feisty Chinese Canadian the walk also includes some visits entrepreneur who in 1956 was to places, which are, as Oana writes, prevented from moving into a “ long-gone” such as the Sisters of new apartment building on Eighth Providence Orphanage. Avenue just west of Twelfth Street As someone who lived very by the prejudice of the near Seventh Avenue and Twelfth building’s manager, Street between 2003 and 2012, John McIlroy. I discovered the previous exisSo I think we now tence of the Sisters of Providence know why the walk Orphanage only recently. Built in will take a detour to the 1901 near the present-day location 1300 block on Eighth of the London Eye Clinic, not only Avenue. was this quite impressive build(We might also reing the home of many boys and member that it was girls, it was designed by a nun the very next year from Montreal, Architect Moththat Douglas Jung beer Joseph. She was born Esther came the first ChinesePariseau in Saint-Elzéar, Quebec, Canadian MP, elected Canada, in (continued on page 10)

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Eve, owner of Impact Consignment. (continued from page 9) 1843. At the age of 20,

she entered the convent of the newly founded Sisters of Charity of Providence in Montreal, Quebec. No doubt, as Oana and Mary guide us down 12th Street on August 18th, they will direct our gaze to such former landmarks as the Metro Theatre, built in Arte Moderne style in 1938 for a cost of $25,000 (just over $400,000 in today’s currency). Closing in 1956 due to the advent of television, it has resurrected itself over the years as a union office and a community hall (rented for such activities as bingo, church services and the like). According to historian Jim Wolfe’s chapter, “Twelfth Street: A Brief History”, the last street car of the BC Electric Company ran on December 5, 1938, when Street Car #98 made its last run over the tracks to the Car Barns at the bot-

tom of Twelfth Street. After that, transit service for that area was replaced by a cross- Pastor Dylan, Lighthouse of Hope. town bus that connected the West End to the Downtown. Again, according to Wolfe, the majority of new construction in the West End during the decade previous to World War II occurred along Twelfth Street between Sixth Avenue and Eighth Avenues. If Oana and Mary take their August 18th group of local history enthusiasts down as far as Sixth Avenue, they will see the rather im- John at Renaissance Books. pressive pile of the Mandeville Block, constructed in 1912 by a Burnaby farmer-realtor. It was the first development to introduce commercial stores to the upper part of Twelfth Street. So come join us for a healthy informative stroll through history. Your view of 12th Street will change forever’”.

Consignment Store 712-C Twelfth Street 604-644-1274 New Westminster, BC V3M 4J6 ImpactConsignment@gmail.com August 2018

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LONGEST WORD Q: What is the longest word in the English language? A: ‘Smiles’. Because there is a mile between it’s first and last letters.

11 You are invited to “Poetry in the Park” Wednesday evenings in August from 6:30-8:30pm, Queen’s Park Band Shell

POET’S CORNER with

ALONE Q: What’s the worst thing about being alone? A: Playing Frisbee. WAS THAT YOU, BUGS? Q: What is see-through and smells of carrots? A: A rabbit fart. BE HAPPY Don’t be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can’t fly. IT HELPS A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach. “That won’t help you, Joe, you know?” “Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!” THE ARMY OF THE LORD A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?” He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.” NO ESCAPE Submitted by Ray Sargent

Determined to have one last, lazy day of fishing before summer’s end, I purposely ignored the leaky faucet and the broken gate — household projects that had awaited me all summer. When my wife asked, “What are you going to do today?” I grinned and answered, “It starts with F and ends with ISH.” “Oh, good,” she replied. “You’re finally going to FinISH up those projects.”

JANET KVAMMEN

VICE-PRESIDENT, ROYAL CITY LITERARY ARTS SOCIETY

Somewhere Inside Eternity © Candice James,

Poet Laureate Emerita, New Westminster, BC

The waxing indigo veil of night shawls over Columbia Street and somewhere inside eternity the past and present meet. A battalion of hazy engineers digs into the heart of the city to resurrect lost relics buried in antiquity. These ghostly archeologists populate the dark of the night blending with the fog and mist inside the fading light. Now, in the year two thousand eighteen the streets are packed with bikes and cars, pedestrians, scooters and traffic lights And neon signs that obliterate stars. The days of simplicity now long gone, and yesterday’s safety nets torn and frayed We’ve lost the sweetness of the song And the message it conveyed. Somewhere inside eternity dissolving in the fading light yesterday and today pass by like strangers in the night. Candice James, was appointed Poet Laureate Emerita by the City of New Westminster, after completing 2 three year terms (2010-2016) as Poet Laureate. She is founder of Royal City Literary Arts Society and past president of Federation of British Columbia Writers; and author of thirteen poetry books: the first “A Split In The Water” (Fiddlehead Poetry Books 1979); and most recent “The Water Poems” (Ekstasis Editions 2017); Her awards include the Bernie Legge Artist Cultural Award and Pandora’s Collective Citizenship Award. She is also founder of the Fred Cogswell Award For Excellence In Poetry Award.

Welcoming New Westminster Poets! Please submit your “New West” poems by emailing Janet at janetkvammen@rclas.com Visit www.rclas.com for all the latest events.

Karaoke is Japanese for ‘tone deaf’.

12 PIFFLE’S

HOW FAST CAN YOU GET THROUGH?

THE TOP TEN REASONS MEN SHOULD JOIN THE CHURCH CHOIR: 10. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendinitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse. 9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly. 8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called “Who’s Praying, Who’s Sleeping?” 7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen. 6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you’ve been singing with the men’s choir for a few weeks.

NUMBER BLOCKS

5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronics equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget. 4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it’s soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it’s a lot easier on the knees than jogging. 3. If you think you’ve done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with guys and staying on pitch. 2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. This is especially true if you are a long-suffering fan of the Miami Dolphins. (Don’t worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.) And the number 1 reason men should join the choir:

Try to fi ll in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right.

August 2018

1. When people ask you whether you’ve been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, “Hey, I’m a Choir Boy.” | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive casement type with shutters. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them. Hellloo… Just because I have fair hair doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hellloo? It’s been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

750 Carnarvon St, New Westminster Need a Delicious and Affordable Meal? Meals on Wheels provides seniors with a caring connection to the community and maintains their independence at home by delivering nutritious, delicious and affordable meals prepared by Starlight Casino. The hot meal includes soup or salad, entrée and dessert and costs $6.75. Frozen entrées can also be provided at a cost of $5.75. The meals are delivered Monday, Wednesday, and Friday between the hours of 10:30am and 12:30pm.

A TRAIN TO CATCH A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 train.”

Need a lift?

BUT MOM Q: Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother? A: My name is Paul.

Love to get Out and About?

REASONS CHURCHES DON’T ASK CLOWN MINISTRIES TO RETURN: 1. They force people to smile during the 8:00 a.m. service. 2. It’s hard to say with dignity, “The sermon today will be given by Brother Umpa-Doody.” 3. Whoopee cushions inevitably appear under pew cushions. 4. Sermons take a lot longer when they are in pantomime. 5. Many denominations do not recognizeReasons Churches Don’t Ask Clown Ministries to Return seltzer water baptism. 6. Dribble glasses used during the communion service. 7. They have to pay janitors extra to get all of the silly string off the ceiling. 8. The kids pop their balloons during closing prayer.

We can arrange volunteer drivers and their vehicles to provide door-to-door transportation to and from medical appointments. Clients will be picked up and dropped off at their home and the driver will wait with the client during their appointment.

We have a 16-passenger capacity bus that takes seniors to various destinations throughout the month. Call 604-440-1628 to sign-up for any activities. Small fees may apply.

Need a bus? Our 16-passenger bus is available for rent. Seniors Services Society will provide vehicle, driver, and fuel. Call us for availability and pricing.

Enjoy Lending a Hand? Volunteer and make a difference in your community! Join today to be a Medical Transport Driver, Meals on Wheels Pick Up or Delivery Driver, Telephone Grocery Shopper, Bus Outing Host and become part of a dynamic team. Contact us at volunteer@seniorsservicessociety.ca.

Help us help seniors! If you would like to make a monthly donation to help vulnerable seniors email nipab@seniorsservicessociety.ca.

For more information… Please call us at 604-520-6621 or email info@seniorsservicessociety.ca.

Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?

GET TO HEAVEN Submitted by Ray Sargent

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday school class. “NO!” the children all answered. “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?” Again, the answer was, “NO!” “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again. Again, they all answered, “NO!” “Well,” I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?” A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be DEAD!” BOARD MEETING There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service,” announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the Church Board gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst — a visitor who had never attended their church before. “My friend,” said the pastor, “Didn’t you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?” “Yes,” said the visitor, “and after today’s sermon, I suppose I’m just about as bored as anyone else who came to this meeting.” ENGLISHMAN, IRISHMAN, WELSHMAN, SCOTSMAN JOKE An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, “We’re going to line you

up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.” The Englishman responds, “I’d like to hear ‘God Save The Queen’ just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.” The Irishman replies, “I’d like to hear ‘Danny Boy’ just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.” The Welshman answers, “I’d like to hear ‘Men Of Harlech’ just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.” The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to be shot first.” THE BUREAU In England,what government agency is responsible for finding lost vicars? The Bureau of Missing Parsons. THE PROBLEM WITH SPEAKING ENGLISH • Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. • Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. • Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. • Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. • Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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OLDER THAN DIRT QUIZ Count all the ones that you remember not the ones

you were told about. Your age ratings is at the bottom. • Candy cigarettes

• Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes • Home milk delivery in glass bottles • Party lines on the telephone • Newsreels before the movie

PURPOSE

SECONDARY INDEPENDENT SCHOOL

ACCEPTING FALL ! REGISTRATIONS NOW

• TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. There were only 3 channels (if you were fortunate).

• Peashooters

• 45 RPM records

• Wash tub wringers • Hi-fi’s

• Metal ice trays with lever • Blue flashbulb

• Cork popguns • Ford Zephyrs

If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young

If you remembered 4-6 = You are getting older If you remembered 7-10 = Don’t tell your age,

If you remembered 11-14 = You’re older than dirt! VENDING Submitted by Ray Sargent

When the plate went by a little boy who was attending church for the first time, he dropped a penny in, then asked his mother, “What will come out of the plate, bubble gum or licorice?”

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Continuous Intake

If it just sits in your living room,

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messes up your stuff, eats your food,

uses your telephone, takes your money,

and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place…

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Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?

KID’S CORNER with

ISAIAH

Do you have a joke you want to share? Submit them at

www.piffle.ca/ contact

Knock, Knock Who’ there? Boo Boo who? I didn’t mean to make you cry! Will you remember me? Yes! Knock, Knock Who’s there? Hey, You said you’d remember me! Knock, Knock Who’s there? Canoe Canoe who? Canoe help me with my homework? Knock, Knock Who’s there? Harry! Harry who? Harry up it’s cold outside! Knock, Knock Who’s there? Adore! Adore who? Adore is between us, open up! August 2018

Knock, Knock Who’s there? Otto! Otto who? Otto know, I’ve got amnesia! Knock, Knock Who’s there? Honey bee! Honey bee who? Honey bee a dear and get me some milk! Knock, Knock Who’s there? Broken pencil! Broken pencil who? Never mind, it’s pointless! Knock, Knock Who’s there? Cow says! Cow say who? No silly, cow says Moo! Knock, Knock Who’s there? Cargo! Cargo who? Car go beep, beep!

NEW SLEEPING PILL Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.” Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.” MY HUSBAND’S STRANGE A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband… Wife: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!” Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“ DO YOUR PART Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery. The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord! The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery! Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket. HOW IT IS IN LIFE “You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…” “Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!” THE FOLKS DOWN THE ROAD A wife complains to her husband… Wife: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?” Husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!” CHILDREN Me and my wife decided that we don’t want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one. A NEW ONE PLEASE In a boomerang shop: “I’d like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?” | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

INTENSE STINGING Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye. Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

MATH MADNESS

IRELAND? I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember. THE ROAST BEEF Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager!” Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.” TIME TRAVEL I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke — but you didn’t like it. THE 10TH PERSON I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea. I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it. LIFE’S LEARNING Little Johnny asks his father, “Where does the wind come from?” “I don’t know.” “Why do dogs bark?” “I don’t know.” “Why is the earth round?” “I don’t know.” “Does it disturb you that I ask so much?” “No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything.” AT THE CINEMA They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on – the prices are way too high, plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months.

Try to fi ll in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction.

SUDOKU!

Puzzle 1 (Hard, difficulty rating 0.63)

2 1

4 3 1

8 4 3

4 3

4 6 7

4 9

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on row Tue Decmust 5 23:18:20 2017 GMT. Enjoy! Each column must Each Each block must contain all of the contain all of the contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 numbers 1 through 9 numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers and no two numbers and no two numbers in the same column in the same row of a in the same block of of a Sudoku puzzle Sudoku puzzle can a Sudoku puzzle can can be the same. be the same. be the same.

“In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back.” ~ Charlie Brown

THEY ARE GOOD Q: Why haven’t you ever seen any elephants hiding

BY ROSS HOOD

PUZ ZLE #49

The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.

HINT: ONE FOR ME PLEASE

4 4

1 3

15 1

2 10 10 3

7 1

3 12 9

A: Because they’re really, really good at it. STRANGE CUSTOM We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sand-

up trees?

wich out of the fridge and its name was “Michael”. THE INVISIBLE MAN

Secretary: “Doctor the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.”

Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.” THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE Knock, knock. Who’s there?

The love of your life.

Liar! Chocolate can’t speak!

CROSSWORD ACROSS

1. Body’s blood carrier.

3. Actors in a play or a film. 5. Just a taste.

7. Shine faintly.

10. Express thanks for. 11. Far from tons.

12. Sign of things to come (two words). DOWN

2. Flood or overwhelm.

4. Spray lightly with water. 6. Outline faintly.

8. A brief run of luck. 9. Chemical unit. August 2018

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Community AUTO SALES

Jason

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Vancouver | New Westminster | Surrey

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T V R V C U X O Q O W W H I D D E N O A

G W J E X B I R K R T A Q R N V B F H P

August 2018

G N E J M P U Z R S Z L A V E T S Z A L

L M F L A M Q O L A F K T S D T G P V U

V Q A V F L U Z E P V I E N R W Z H M U

L K M E G T S S Y C J N I J A Y I E X A

D D I E F G H E Z E W G L M G S S R Z C

H V L P H W C N H W N Q U W T T O O R A

K G Y O A F D E R P F S J O E T T X A S

G J U N F Y Q T L T E F R E A O H K C M

P S W O Y Y W D S U P Y R R G J K K K D

E H S C R G Q R M J K T U I T N W H Q C

R O O E M O R N T P S C T K D J I L R G

D K A P L S B J S L R X O C M A B V Y U

K I T C H E N S O H R H U V K V Y R R T

F G U X T U N R N U M D R F Z E E G P I

F X R G H S A E X E C Q E L Z Z I S F Z

Q F C O O G Y J W S E F M N C E O F T V

R E T S N I M T S E W U T M J L I Z K R

H G P T I A H V N F S P Q M C K M M C O

WORD SEARCH CURATOR

NEW

FAMILY

QUEENSBOROUGH

FRIDAY GARDEN HIDDEN HISTORY HOUSE IRVING

ROMEO SIZZLE STREET SUMMER TOUR

JULIET

TWELFTH

KITCHEN

WALKING

MUSEUM

WESTMINSTER

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DO YOU MIND Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf. “Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?” “Go away! I’m having a pooh!” OPTIMIST/PESSIMIST An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it’s an exit. A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an onrushing train. The train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on train tracks. THE SURPRISE Submitted by Ray Sargent

A man walks up to a perfume counter and tells the clerk that he’d like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife’s birthday. “A little surprise, eh?” asked the clerk. “You betcha,” answered the man. “She’s expecting a cruise!”

If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.

HONEYMOON LAUGHTER

By Evelyn Benson ow, don’t get me wrong. Honeymoons are no laughing matter — but they CAN have their funny moments. Ours did. Several incidents during those first idyllic days of newly wedded bliss still make me smile — even laugh. We spent the first week of our honeymoon on Keats Island in a sweet little rustic cabin by the sea. On the weekend, we took a boat from Keats to nearby Gambier Island to attend the popular Gambier Saturday Night Dance held at their local Army & Navy Veterans’ Hall, and to spend the night at Don’s Auntie Mae’s house. Everyone at the dance made a ‘fuss’ over ‘The Bride’, (as I was dubbed for the night), and every male pensioner, logger, fisherman, tug-boater or vacationer insisted on ‘dancing with the Bride’. It was traditional for the A&N Ladies Auxiliary to take turns baking a special cake to be raffled at each Saturday night dance. When it came time to draw the winning ticket, they asked ‘The Bride’ to do the honours. As I stepped onto the dance floor to pick a winner out of a hat, a very drunk, swaying tug-boat captain staggered to his feet and yelled, waving his ticket, “IF I WIN THE GODDAM CAKE…(burp)…I’LL GIVE IT TO THE BRIDE!!!” I promptly drew his number!!! The cake was a scrumptious 5 inch high lemon chiffon cake which we took with us back to Keats Island the next day and feasted. Two days later we hitched a boat ride over to Gibsons Landing to await our ferry in a little coffee shop at the head of the wharf. In 1953, the connecting Blackball Ferry from Horseshoe Bay to the Sunshine Coast docked at the Gibsons wharf. Suddenly, unnoticed by us, our ferry had docked! As we grabbed our luggage and dashed for the ship, I unfortunately caught my heel at the top of a short flight of stairs and fell headlong onto my face! People helped get me and our luggage aboard just in time, and the girl behind the small concession-counter created a make-shift ice-pack for my face. By the time we reached Horseshoe Bay and our parked car I had THE MOST GLORIOUS ‘SHINER’! Our first stop, when we reached town, was for us ‘Honeymooners’ to report to my parents’ house where we were expected to finish unwrapping the rest of our nearly 100 wedding gifts. (By the way, the ‘appliance—ofthe-day’ in 1953 must have been the electric kettle because Don and I received SEVEN ELECTRIC KETTLES!) As my mother opened the front door, beaming from ear

.95

August 2018

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to ear, she suddenly noticed that her youngest daughter, ‘The Bride’ had a GREAT BIG BLACK EYE! She stared at me, her mouth dropped open, and then she looked at poor Don with such a glare! ‘If looks could kill’, I would have been a widow… right there on the front porch. We soon got everything explained to my parents’ satisfaction, thank God! Later, we journeyed to Seattle to continue our honeymoon and to spend some of the cash-money people had given us in lieu of gifts. It’s funny, but somehow people seemed to be able to spot ‘honeymooners’ and wherever we went we got a few more curious looks from total strangers. One of the ‘wedding gifts’ we purchased in the USA was a socalled ‘portable’ radio. In 1953, before the invention of the ‘transistor’, a portable radio was about the size of a small suitcase, and the battery took up two-thirds of its bulk. It was so heavy that the word ‘portable’ was a joke. Also, the battery didn’t last very long and there was no such thing as a ‘rechargeable —’ in those days. The bar in our hotel had a ‘special’ drink called a Tropical Sunset, which was so large that they floated a live gardenia blossom in it! I soon had an impressive corsage on my shoulder! Before the waiter brought our first Tropical Sunsets, he asked me for Identification. I admit, I was only 19 and the drinking age in the USA is 21, but I came wellprepared — one of my girl-friends was 21 and she loaned me her Birth Certificate. The waiter took one look at it and then went back to the

bar and showed it to the other waiters and the bartender. They were all staring at it and then staring at me and talking among themselves! I thought, Uh, oh, I’m busted! Finally, he brought us the two drinks and with a flourish, laid the Birth Certificate in front of me with a grin. Later, back in our hotel room we puzzled over this strange fascination everyone had with the Birth Certificate. THEN IT DAWNED ON US… only recently there had been a big story in newspapers all over the world that the FIRST SEX-CHANGE OPERATION had been performed in Sweden changing a man into a woman whose name The Honeymooners’ outfits. was CHRISTINE JORGENSEN. My girl-friend’s name on the Our #6 was fourth! Then I heard borrowed Birth Certificate was the distinctive voice of announcer CHRISTINE GEORGESON! Jack Short saying… “and once again On the last day of our honeyarooooouuuund the Clubhouse moon, back in Vancouver, we went turn…” and I realized that because to the horse races at Exhibition it was a TWO-MILE RACE there was Park. The 7th and Feature Race was another lap to go! When the horses a TWO MILE race, only held once a again thundered past the finish line year on Labour Day. Don knew his we heard “…and it’s GLORY ROLL by horses, and decided we would make a neck…” We’d won! a sizeable bet on a horse with good The sizeable payout we won that ‘odds’ named Glory Roll. I thought it day made up for all the money we’d was an awful lot of money to place spent on our honeymoon…and then on a horse-race, but Don was consome! Those two young newlyweds fident that the horse had the stamdidn’t realize it at the time, but ina needed to win. With fingers maybe that unexpected bit of good crossed, and clutching my ticket fortune at the races was a portent of on #6 Glory Roll, I stood on tip-toes good things to come. We’ve passed near the crowded rail as the horsthe 65th Anniversary marker—and es thundered past. My heart sank. we’re still in the running!

This story is from Evelyn Benson’s award-winning book, A CENTURY IN A SMALL TOWN — One Family’s Stories. Both Book 1 & Book 2 are available at Renaissance Books, 712 – 12th St, New West and www.amazon.ca. Watch for more stories in next month’s Piffle. If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?

For Personality Proﬁles/ Transit Report/Relationship Compatibility visit www.astrologybyliza.com HOROSCOPES by LIZA

AUGUST 2018

ARIES: This is a good time to spruce up your home and begin those home renovations. Employers will be pleased with the work you do. A good time to ask for that raise. TAURUS: You may find there is a considerable amount of love in your every day life. You are more sensitive to beauty within your everyday surroundings. GEMINI: Money could easily slip through your fingers this month. Consider investments as opposed to spending and all will be well.

GIVEN MUCH THOUGHT Submitted by Ray Sargent

Over the years, I have engaged in considerable deep thought about (among other things): Our place in the

universe, ancient civilizations, human migrations, international conflicts, local and world economics, ozone depletion, the human genome, cloning, pollution,

racism, local and world politics, population growth,

extinctions, natural disasters, the environment, health care, Facebook, human relations, the space-time

continuum and other aspects of relativity, and other factors that affect mankind’s struggle to exist.

After all of that deep thought, I have arrived at this

definite conclusion: When all is said and done, in spite

of or because of what we may or may not do or think, it

is just as likely as not that, for better or for worse, everything will turn out one way or another, sooner or later.

CANCER: Your looking fabulous this month and others are taking notice. Expressing yourself to others comes with great ease during this time.

GOD DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY

LEO: Loved ones may call upon you for help during this time. Serve in the true service of selfless devotion and don’t expect payback.

and prayed for forgiveness.

VIRGO: Group activities take up all your time this month. Any group setting will only benefi t you during this time. Your loved one may not understand this.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike

104 My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104. We called her Aunt Tique.

LIBRA: Favorable circumstances take place within your place of work. A love relationship may take place with someone older. Be careful with your motives.

I SHOULDN’T HAVE TOLD HER

SCORPIO: You will be attracted to new people and new experiences during this time. A good time for any pleasure trip that involves new ideas and philosophies.

the wine cellar.”

SAGITTARIUS: All relationships will play out with greater intensity during this time. If you require a loan or money from other resources; it will come easy to you now. CAPRICORN: Love will seek you out this month if your not currently in a relationship. If your in conflict with someone now it is a good time to make peace and reconcile. AQUARIUS: All matters pertaining to your work and daily life come with ease during this time. Deal with the real world and not the fantasies in your mind. PISCES: It ’s all about having a good time during this month. Friends and lovers want your attention. There is no need to pretend what you are not. August 2018

“I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine… I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in

THE TEST Submitted by Ray Sargent

At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine’s disposition was for

an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor

temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a

good dog would lick his owner’s face or show concern. Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided

to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up,

clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor.

The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and

raced to the coffee table to eat my pizza.

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Call or email us today for a quote! HOW TO PREPARE CHICKEN A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there’s nothin’ special… we just flat out tell’ em they’re gonna die… IT’S THE BEST A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

TOP SHELF This guy walks into a butcher and asks, “Can I have those from the top shelf please”.

The butcher replies, “Sorry, the steaks are too high.”

HOW IS SHE?

Ken McIntosh Rod Drown Researchers

604-396-0773 “NO DOG BARKED”

Submitted by Ray Sargent

My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular “Ask Jeeves” site,

and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy’s mother was very skeptical until Nancy said,

“It’s true, Mom. Think of something to ask it.”

As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard,

Nancy’s mother thought a minute, then responded, “How is Aunt Helen feeling?”

RANDOM NUMBERS The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.

a story of the MacLauchlan murders

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TONGUE TWISTERS

• Randy wondered why Willie really wasn’t well. • Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.

• Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies. • Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly. • Six shiny snails sighed sadly.

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• Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers. • Cheryl say Cher’s sheer shawl Sunday. • Six seals slick sick seals.

• Sheep shouldn’t sleep in shacks.

• I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist. • Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck. • She sells sea shells by the sea shore • Sure, the ship’s ship-shape sir!

• Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?

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August 2018

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OXYMORON’S • Act naturally • Holy war • Found missing • Resident alien • Minor catastrophe • Near miss • Great depression • Advanced BASIC • Genuine imitation • Death benefits • Good grief • Same difference • Almost exactly • Everything except • Civil War • Sanitary landfill • Alone together • Silent scream • Living dead • Small crowd • Soft rock • Butt head • New classic

27 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Sweet sorrow “Now, then” Passive aggressive Taped live Clearly misunderstood Peace force Extinct life Temporary tax increase Plastic glasses Terribly pleased Tight slacks Definite maybe Pretty ugly Twelve-ounce pound cake Diet ice cream Rap music Working vacation Exact estimate Freezer burn Jumbo shrimp Loners club

Pick-up your issue of Piffle at these locations… NEW WESTMINSTER

New Westminster Public Library (Uptown) 716 6th Ave New Westminster City Hall 511 Royal Ave Imperial Pharmacy 981 Carnarvon St

Renaissance Books Unit B, 712 12th St

Buy Low Foods (by Customer Service) 555 6th St BURNABY

Burnaby Public Library (Tommy Douglas) 7311 Kingsway

For a full list of locations, visit www.piffle.ca/locations

SUMMER OUTDOOR PARTIES ARE SOME OF THE BEST EVENTS OF THE YEAR

The warm balmy nights, food cooking on the grill, and friends and family spending quality time together in the backyard or around the pool create wonderful memories that last a lifetime. But, hosting outdoor events also means there’s an increased risk of home fires. Fortunately, following some simple safety tips and guidelines can help ensure you and your guests stay safe. Consider the following when you host your next outdoor event: • Have an adult present at all times when a portable fireplace is burning • Keep anything that can burn, as well as children and pets, at least three feet away from open flames • Use battery-operated flameless candles and solarpowered patio (tiki) torches in place of an open flame. Flameless candles come in all colors, shapes and sizes, and many are scented. Flameless candles look and feel like the real ones, and add a beautiful soft glow to any outdoor event. OUTDOOR ENTERTAINING BY THE NUMBERS • Outside fireplaces or fire pits caused nearly 3,700 grass and brush fires • Total outdoor patio heater or fire pit injuries has nearly tripled in six years (1,330 to 3,608) from 2006–2012 • More than half of all candle fires start when things that can burn are too close to the candle • An average of 8,800 home fires involved grills, hibachis, or barbecues each year • In 2012, sparklers, fountains and novelties accounted for 25% of emergency room fireworks-related injuries

New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services Fire Prevention Office, 1 East 6th Avenue, New Westminster, BC V3L 4G6

www.newwestcity.ca

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

Ed Goss

Associate Broker MLS Master Medallion

Serving You Since February 1984

604-644-0141 edjgoss@gmail.com www.EdGoss.com WORK ING FOR YOU

SHORES OF MAUI Vacation Condo Rental Terry & Loretta Embling terryloretta@hotmail.com Cel: 604-418-8782

Inquire Online:

www.shoresofmaui.net

August 2018

YOU’RE AN 80S CHILD IF… • You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block members. • You wanted to be on Star Search. (Come on, we all did!) • You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wrist bands at some point during your youth. • You know the profound meaning of ‘Wax on, Wax off.’ • You can name at least half of the members of the elite ‘Brat Pack.’ • You can remember watching Full House and Saved by the Bell for endless hours!!!!!! • You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock. • You know that another name for a keyboard is a ‘Synthesizer.’ • You hold a special place in your heart for ‘Back to the Future.’ • You know where to go if you ‘’Wanna go where everybody knows your name.’’ • You know what ‘Sike’ means. • You fell victim to 80s fashion: big hair, crimped, combed over to the side, and you wore spandex pants. • You wanted to be a Goonie — (hey u guyz!!) • You owned an extensive collection of Cabbage Patch Kids and trolls. • You could break dance, or wished you could. • You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system. (Remember Pong) • You know all the words to ‘Ice Ice Baby’. • You remember MC hammer well. • You can still sing the rap to “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” • You own any cassettes. • You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we’d all be living on the moon. • You remember and/or own any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut. • Poltergeist freaked you out.

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• You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox. • You wanted to have an alien like Alf living in your house. • You wore tights under shorts and felt stylish. • You ever had a Swatch Watch. • You had Wonder Woman or Superman underwear. • You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween. • Partying ‘like it’s 1999’ seemed SO far away!! If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend, are a ‘Child of the 80s.’

This tree was adopted as the official tree of the Province of British Columbia on February 18, 1988. Historically, the tree has played a key role in the lives of West Coast First Nations, and continues to be a valuable resource for the province. What is the name of the tree?

BAD DOG My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. STUDENT NEWS

Subscription Form

Submitted by Ray Sargent

Name Address

College student: “Hey, Dad — I’ve got some great news for you!” Father: “What’s that, son?” College student: “Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean’s list?” Father: “I certainly do.” College student: “Well, you get to keep it!”

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on Tue Dec 5 23:18:21 2017 GMT. Enjoy!

City Province Phone Email

Postal

❑ 1 Year ($50 + $2.50 TAX)* ❑ New ❑ Renewal ❑ Send me the FREE digital version too!

ANCESTRY Submitted by Ray Sargent

The following was overheard at a recent ‘high society’ party: “My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great,” said Christine. She then turned to Miriam and asked, “How far back does your family go?” “I don’t know,” replied Miriam, “All of our records were lost in the flood.”

Subscription Start M M / Y Y Y Y Make payments to “Sargent’s Publishing” Piffle Subscription Manager 4th Floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5

*Subscription rate has increased due to Canada Post’s announced increase in stamp prices.

2 1

2 1 3

7 7

2 2 1 1 7 6 7

1 3 1

4 4 5

Each column must contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers in the same column of a Sudoku puzzle can be the same.

6 1 4 4 4 1

15 1

1 6

2 10 10 3 8

2 4 3

7 1 1 1

1 1

1 5

3 12 9 7

1 4 4

2 6 4

HINT: ONE FOR ME PLEASE The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.

BY ROSS HOOD

PUZ ZLE #49

HOW FAST CAN YOU GET THROUGH?

NUMBER BLOCKS

9 1 5 8 4 2 7 6 3

Each row must contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers in the same row of a Sudoku puzzle can be the same.

1 4 6 7 2 8 3 9 5

Each block must contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers in the same block of a Sudoku puzzle can be the same.

5 9 3 6 1 4 8 7 2

4 2 1 5 8 7 9 3 6

Puzzle 1 (Hard, difficulty rating 0.63)

PIFFLE’S

6 8 7 2 9 3 1 5 4

SUDOKU!

MATH MADNESS

PIFFLE PUZZLE SOLUTIONS If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?

NOT SO FAST Submitted by Ray Sargent

A pastor watched a televised church service and was impressed by how everyone would turn around to greet and shake hands with other worshipers seated near them. The pastor felt that his church was a bit stuffy and could use a bit of friendliness. So, at Sunday morning worship he announced that next week they would initiate this custom of greeting one another. At the close of this same worship service one man turned around to the lady behind him and said a cheerful, “Good morning!” She looked back at him with shock at his boldness and said indignantly, “I beg your pardon! That friendliness business doesn’t start until next Sunday!” THE WELL-PLANNED LIFE Submitted by Ray Sargent

Two elderly women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well-planned life?” “Yes,” said her friend who had been widowed several times. “My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I’m married to an undertaker.” Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?” “One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.” MIRACLE CURE? Submitted by Ray Sargent

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor’s office and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, “It’s a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you’re walking erect. What did that doctor do?” “Gave me a longer cane.” August 2018

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ALCOHOL WARNING LABEL IDEAS WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an goof. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. JUST ONE KISS, PLEASE At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ‘bout a goodnight kiss?” Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!” “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?” “Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!” “No way. It’s just too risky!” “Oh please, please, I like you so much!!” “No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!” “Oh yes you can. Please?” “NO, no. I just can’t.” “Pleeeeease?” Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”

Debby

Donaldson

Retired Registered Nurse

Services: • Medications • Companion • Shopping • Appointments (Drs/Surgical) References upon request.

778-773-3999 ddonaldson650@gmail.com

604-517-1230 oktirenw@shaw.ca

WE HAVE MOVED! WE ARE NOW AT 641 LOUGHEED HWY The Western Red Cedar (Thuja plicata donn)

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

STRATA LIVING VERIFY THE SOURCE

By Tony Gioventu, Executive Director, Condominium Home Owners' Association of BC

ear Tony: We had a letter that was issued to our owners this week that claims an upcoming renovation project is unnecessary and that the strata is being pressured into spending money needlessly. The letter talks about the job being premature and that the work could be delayed for another 5 years. The letter was signed by the strata council, or so we thought. We contacted the council who knew nothing about the letter. A special general meeting has been called to address this letter and the misinformation that attempted to derail our project. The project is to replace piping and we have already had 8 leaks in the past 6 months, so a delay is not an option. We often see information posted on our bulletin board for weeks that is never signed and assume it is reliable because no one has taken it down, but now this campaign of misinformation has created a serious problem for our building. ~ Celia F. Dear Celia: While it has often been know that if something isn’t in writing it probably isn’t reliable, the same can be said for written documents. Unless you can identify the author, documents may be just as unreliable. Misinformation campaigns occur in every level of government from time to time, and strata is the simplest form of government. Your strata is taking the right steps. Address the issues, clarify misinformation and provide the most accurate and reliable resources for your owners to make informed decisions. Formality in council minutes, minutes of general meetings and correspondence to the owners is the best prevention against misinformation. The more information the strata corporation provides the less confusion for the owners. For anyone likely to lose their homes when there is a significant special levy, they will take any action to delay the inevitable. In part it is easy to under-

George Garrett, Vice-President

stand the funding dilemma many home owners faced in strata buildings face. They moved into a strata likely because it was affordable or provided a simple life style where they were not responsible for cutting the grass, the gutters and managing the maintenance of their homes. Before depreciation reports were introduced the greatest involvement many owners had in their strata was possibly attending the annual general meeting. Their main concern was whether strata fees would increase. As a result, many owners were never aware of the looming costs of building renewals or when they would occur. Strata owners are entering a new era of competent planning and funding for building operations in BC. There is not much you can do about misinformation besides correcting what is wrong, but your strata can provide valuable long term information to owners to avoid a crisis. Include an update to your planning from your depreciation report every year as part of your AGM notice. If owners are well informed of the next 10 years, they will be able to plan, fund and support implementation of the projects. This publication contains general information only and is not intended as legal advice. Use of this publication is at your own risk. CHOA, the author and related entities will not be liable to you or any other person for any loss or damage arising from, connected with or relating to the use of this publication or any information contained herein by you or any other person. The contents of this publication may not be reproduced, blogged, or distributed in any fashion without the explicit prior consent of the writer.

Direct office phone: 604-515-9683 Office email: tony@choa.bc.ca Mobile: 604-323-6458

Condominium Home Owners Association of BC

VOLUNTEER DRIVERS URGENTLY NEEDED FOR NEW WESTMINSTER! Formed to fill an urgent need for cancer patients to have free transportation to and from treatment facilities. To learn more, phone 604-515-5400 or visit www.volunteercancerdrivers.ca

August 2018

| L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

We create great SMILES and Piffle gives you a reason to smile!

Welcome to Sapperton Dental in New Westminster Our patient-centered practice offers comprehensive dental care with an equal commitment to preventive, restorative, and cosmetic dentistry. At our clinic, our patients are our top priority. We value personalized attention and long-term relationships with our clients. Dr. Sandeep Sachdeva and Dr. Sarika Sachdeva perform a full range of dental services, from simple fillings and teeth whitening to full smile makeovers all performed in a warm care caring environment.

To Book your next appointment please contact Serena or Shelley

604-544-0894 #105-301 E. Columbia St, New Westminster Right across the street from Royal Columbian Hosptial

www.sappertondental.com If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

THIS IS YOUR I N V I TAT I O N !

BUSINESS DIRECTORY

604-525-9027 chrissargent@piffle.ca

BOOKS 604.525.4566

712B 12th St

New Westminster renbooks@telus.net renaissancebookstore.com

“Good clean cars, reasonably priced!”

301-12th St, New West

604-377-5889 August 2018

Join Us Sundays: 4:00 pm

Quinn Waddington, CFA

604.299.9538 info@lhohcf.ca lhohcf.ca We are a multi-cultural community church where everyone is welcome— AND WE REALLY MEAN IT!

Investment Advisor, Portfolio Manager FPSC Level 1® Certificant in Financial Planning Canaccord Genuity Wealth Management T: 604.699.0874 E: quinn.waddington@canaccord.com www.waddingtonwealth.ca

/issue

Contact Chris today!

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New Westminster 726 12th Street (Near 8th Avenue)

AUGUST SPECIAL SERVING YOUR COMMUNITY 325 6th Street New Westminster, BC Tel: 604-521-0363 Service at 11am See you at church!

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Complete Pair of Single Vision Eyeglass

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Additions • Renovations New Construction

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VIP Travel Est. 1989

Sunday School & ESL Bible Study 9:00am Sunday Service 10:00am 930 Cumberland St New Westminster

604-521-0120

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Affordable mobile, telephone and video counseling. Our counselors can help you with: · Depression · Anxiety · Addictions and more…

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Learn how to create through the power of intention:

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| L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

SCHOOL DAZE Submitted by Ray Sargent

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O’Neill said, “Sam, give me a sentence with a direct object.”

Sam replied, “Everyone thinks you are the best

teacher in the school.”

“Thank you, Sam,” responded Mrs. O’Neill, “But what

is the object?”

Sam said, “To get the best mark possible.”

PHOTO PROPHETIC Submitted by Ray Sargent

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line

inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and comment-

ed to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely. “It’s OK,” he

reassured the man. “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

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Ask about transferring prescription refills.

FREE 1 HOUR PARKING

VIP Specializes in the following… European Escorted & Custom Tours River Cruises – Ask about FREE airfare! Destination Weddings! School & Family Groups Corporate Travel Club Med Top Selling Agency in BC for:

viptravel.ca Ph: 604.522.3020 815 1st St, New West

VIP Travel Est. 1989

SOMETIMES IT DOES TAKE A ROCKET SCIENTIST! Scientists at the Canadian Research Facility built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. Amtrak engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the NASA engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Americans sent the Canadian Research Facility the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the Canadian scientists for suggestions. The Canadian Research Facility responded with a one-line memo: ‘Defrost the chicken.’ HOW OFTEN?

Submitted by Ray Sargent

When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line behind me were ‘oohing and aahing’ about a husband getting flowers for his wife. “How often do you do that?” one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, but not having heard the context of the question, said, “Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first.”

COUNTRY, BLUEGRASS AND SOUTHERN GOSPEL MUSIC SERVED…

with your host

RAY SARGENT

www.sundaysideup.org August 2018

ray.sargent@shaw.ca | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

We Take Your Clean Concrete for Free Landscape | Construction

604-323-2126 RiversideRecycling.ca

New Westminster Lions Club Summer Meetings Monday, July 9th, 6:45 pm Monday, August 13th, 6:45 pm

“Spend a little time with Lions” “We Serve” Proudly serving our community since 1946

Meet us at Boston Pizza 1045 Columbia St (Tenth St & Columbia) New Westminster

Louisa Lundy 778-791-1633 E: newwestminsterlionsclub@hotmail.com

U G U S T

Letters from New West Lions

PONDERATIONS Submitted by Ray Sargent

• • • •

The word “SWIMS” upside-down is still “SWIMS.” A young man asked, “Will you marry me?” “No,” the lady replied, “but I admire your good taste.” The kindergarten was learning the letters of the alphabet. “What comes after ‘T’?” the teacher asked. John quickly replied, “V.” • In light of the economic crisis, my family is extending the 5-second rule for dropped food to 10 seconds, especially in the case of blueberries. • A woman stopped to talk to the small girl who was making mud pies on the sidewalk. “My word,” she exclaimed, “you are pretty dirty, aren’t you, my little girl?” “Yes, ma’am,” the girl replied, “but I am prettier clean.” AFTERBURNER ENGAGED Submitted by Ray Sargent

A couple birds were watching a rocket take off from Kennedy Space Center. “Wow,” said one, “look how fast he flies!” The other replied, “You’d fly like that too if your tail were on fire.”

I F F L E

A G A Z I N E

You will find us on Saturday, August 18th on the Quayside Boardwalk, in front of 3 K De K Court, a five minute walk West from the River Market, grilling, Dear Piffle People, sizzling dogs faster than Rudolph can put a glow on I had planned to talk about Lions Dog Guide Program his shiny nose. In addition to red hot dogs, you’ll find this edition. Instead, I’m going to tell you about how cool white elephant treasures all down the boardwalk the noblest of all dogs, the “Hot Dog”, has come to at price even Tiny Tim can afford. be the residents of Buchanan Lodge’s best friend. Make a day of it and languish down the lazy Fraser For the past 72 consecutive years, New West Lions on the Q to Q Ferry to Queensborough and back. Join New West Lions for lunch and troll through our Club members have provided Christmas cheer and treasures. Do a little good for others at the same time. 110 individualized selected presents for each of the Santa will thank you for it. senior folk living in Sapperton’s Buchanan Lodge. It remains one of our happiest annual service projects, If you have gently used household goods that you bringing smiles to each resident. With a little help from would like to donate for this event, one of our New you, our Piffle pals, this tradition will carry on. West Lions will personally pick them up. Just call or

email, because that’s what friends and neighbours Lions ‘relish’ the opportunity to unleash our culinary do — help each other. skills on the humble hot dog — it feeds the hand that Lion Louisa E: louisalion@gmail.com or Post: PO Box bites it, while giving Santa a helping hand filling the 503 Stn. Main, New West V3L 4Y8 T: 778-791-1633 wish list for the Buchanan Lodge “kidz”. August 2018

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2050 SQ. FT. BEAUTIFUL DUPLEX HOME

Open Concept with a View of the Fraser 1408 SIXTH AVENUE NEW WESTMINSTER, BC

1408 SIXTH AVE, NEW WESTMINSTER

1408 SIXTH AVENUE DRYER

NEW WESTMINSTER, BC BEDROOM 2

WISH

WINDOW SEAT

11’6” X 12’10”

LAUNDRY ROOM 6’0” X 9’4”

BEDROOM 1 11’8” X 9’4”

TUB A/C

WISH

BEDROOM 2 11’6” X 12’10”

WINDOW SEAT

DRYER LAUNDRY ROOM 6’0” X 9’4”

BEDROOM 1 11’8” X 9’4”

OPEN DECK

TUB

Features:

A/C

OPEN DECK DECK 12’10” X 4’6”

BEDROOM 4 12’0” X 12’0”

ENSUITE 7’0” X 12’6”

BATHROOM 5’0” X 8’0”

BEDROOM 3 14’6” X 12’0”

UPPER GROSS FLOOR 1,084 SQ.FT. OPEN DECK 68 SQ.FT.

ROOFTOP OPEN DECK 293 SQ.FT.

BEDROOM 3 14’6” X 12’0” COV'D PORCH

UPPER GROSS FLOOR 1,084 SQ.FT. OPEN DECK 68 SQ.FT.

ROOFTOP OPEN DECK 293 SQ.FT.

COV'D PORCH

MAIN GROSS FLOOR 1,237 SQ.FT. GARAGE 231 SQ.FT. COV’D PORCH 34 SQ.FT.

W.I.C. 5’0” X 3’8” DECK 12’10” X 4’6”

BEDROOM 4 12’0” X 12’0”

BATHROOM 5’0” X 8’0”

SHELF

BATHROOM 8’0” X 5’0”

COAT CLOSET TELE. DESK

GREAT ROOM 18’10” X 12’10”

BATHROOM 8’0” X 5’0”

SHELF ELECTRIC FIREPLACE GREAT ROOM 18’10” X 12’10” DINING ROOM 14’0” X 12’6”

COAT CLOSET PANTRY BREAKFAST AREA 8’8” X 12’6”

TELE. DESK

WINDOW SEAT

W.I.C. 5’0” X 3’8”

WINDOW SEAT

ENSUITE 7’0” X 12’6”

UNIT A GARAGE 10’6” X 20’0” R/F

ELECTRIC FIREPLACE KITCHEN 15’6” X 12’0” PANTRY DINING ROOM 14’0” X 12’6”

MAIN GROSS FLOOR 1,237 SQ.FT. GARAGE 231 SQ.FT. COV’D PORCH 34 SQ.FT.

UNIT A GARAGE 10’6” X 20’0”

BREAKFAST AREA 8’8” X 12’6” R/F KITCHEN 15’6” X 12’0”

TOTAL UPPER

1,084 SQ.FT.

MAIN

1,237 SQ.FT.

TOTAL

2,321 SQ.FT.

GARAGE UPPER OPEN DECK MAIN PORCH TOTAL

231 SQ.FT. 1,084 SQ.FT. 361 SQ.FT. 1,237 SQ.FT. 34 SQ.FT. 2,321 SQ.FT.

TOTAL

GARAGE

231 SQ.FT.

OPEN DECK

361 SQ.FT.

• • • •

4 Bedroom 4 Bathroom High End Finishing Professional Chef’s Kitchen • Rooftop Patio • Available Fall 2018

RK & ASSOCIATES 604-644-7653 PORCH

34 SQ.FT.

217 HAMPTON ST, NEW WESTMINSTER

NASH CUSTOM HOMES 2-5-10 warranty in new 6 bed 5 bath home which includes legal 2 bed suite with A ROOFTOP PATIO! This home features: hardy plank, beautiful stonework, patios/decks with a East facing yard, back lane, radiant floor heating, quartz countertops, Professional Chefs kitchen, Gas range, built in oven, Large island, luxury shower, gas fireplace, separate laundry, tandem garage, with AC/Vacuum/Satellite Rough/In, Stainless steel appliances, open den upstairs, the list goes on. This is a very unique floor plan for the area with very little wasted space, must see! Easy access and proximity to highways, shopping and most amenities. Schools: Queen Elizabeth Elementary, Queensborough Middle School and New Westminster Secondary School.

UNIT 58 – 188 WOOD ST, NEW WEST Beautiful 2 bedroom townhouse unit in the River complex in Queensborough, New Westminster’s thriving and rising urban neighborhood on the Fraser River. Enjoy the riverfront lifestyle while being closely connected to all your urban conveniences (shopping, community centre, schools, etc). This home features a contemporary take on classic craftsman architecture and beautiful modern interiors. Come see for yourself to believe.

BUILT BY:

PRESENTED BY:

Building dreams into reality.

Let’s Get Ahead Together.

I’m hoping to find a cure for my hiccups, but I’m not holding my breath.