Piffle Magazine 2018-09 by Sargent's Piffle

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CITY SCENE MAGAZINE

September 2018 Issue #216

Intrepid Reporter George Garrett stands outside the CKNW New Cruiser reporting on an event live at the scene. The year was 1959 and George was 25 years old. Since that time Garrett has filed thousands of stories making him a household name. He will be the guest speaker at this year’s Seniors Festival to be held at Century House on October 13. See story on page 8.

Photos by Jason Vanderhill

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Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance.

Peter Julian’s Community Office (Near New Westminster SkyTrain)

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George Garrett, The Intrepid

Sargent’s Crossword �� 18 Sargent’s Word Search �� 20

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Nine / Eleven by Evelyn Benson �� 22

Poet’s Corner with

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Verne Siebert 604-763-6304

Sargent’s Number Blocks �� 12

Puzzle Solutions �� 29

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Seniors Services Society �� 13

Around Town �� 31

Sargent’s Sudoku! �� 17

Piffle Business Directory �� 34

Pictograph by Ross Hood �� 18

Letters from New West Lions �� 38

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Piffle Locations �� 10 Janet Kvammen �� 11

Horoscopes by Liza �� 24 Rescue Services �� 27

A-Maze-In �� 12

Piffle Quiz �� 29

Kid’s Corner with Isaiah �� 16

Strata Living by Tony Gioventu �� 32

Sargent’s Math Madness �� 17

Piffle Quiz Answer �� 35

Judy Darcy MLA

A Strong Voice for New Westminster

judydarcy.ca September 2018

judy.darcy.mla@leg.bc.ca

604.775.2101

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Quarterly Report on Hearing Aid Prices We secretly research and reveal the prices of hearing aids from five hearing clinics in the BC lower mainland. The prices are clearly listed in this report - covering 4 levels of quality with an easy reference chart so you can see and understand how and why prices vary. With this market data, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll feel more confident to make decisions about buying hearing aids.

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EARLY ONE MORNING, A MOTHER WENT IN TO WAKE UP HER SON. “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.” “But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.” “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.” “Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!” “Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.” “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.” “Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Head Teacher!” FAMOUS SCHOOL JOKES 1. “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.” ~ Mark Twain 2. “My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I’ve endured over the past twenty-five years.” ~ Paul Merton 3. “I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.” ~ Woody Allen 4. “My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.” ~ Norm Crosby 5. “Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.” ~ Gracie Allen 6. “I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopaedia. Let them walk to school like I did.” ~ Yogi Berra 7. “In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from the smallest to the tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?” ~ Warren Hutcherson 8. “You learn something every day if you pay attention.” ~ Ray LeBlond 9. “In youth we learn; in age we understand.” ~ Von Ebner-Eschenbach 10. “If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers.” ~ Edgar W. Howe DEAR SCHOOL… • Please exscuse Cecil being absent on June 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. • Please excuse Marvin from Physical Education lessons for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

YOU HAVE TO BE A SCHOOL TEACHER IF… • You have no time for a life from the end of August until Mid-July. • You want to slap the next person who says, ‘Must be nice to work from 8:30 a.m. to 3:15 p.m. and have your summers and weekends free.’ • When you’re out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behaviour.

continued on page 9

Vote Saturday, October 20 2018

RE-ELECT

• John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. • Ray was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. • Bethan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. • Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. • Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels. • Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. • Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. • Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. • Please excuse Eddie for being. It was his father’s fault. • I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears. • Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. • Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. • My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. • Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. • Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. • Mary-ann was absent October 8-11, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever.

Mary Trentadue

FOR CITY COUNCIL

www.marytrentadue.ca twitter: @marytrentadue info@marytrentadue.ca 778 773 2390 Authorized by Mary Trentadue, Financial Agent 778-773-2390

Christmas On The Fraser

LABOUR DAY SEPT 3, 9:30AM-5:00PM Journey back through time on the Fraser River’s only Authentic Paddlewheeler Riverboat The lush Coast Mountain Range provides a breathtaking canvas as you travel, with fascinating narration to the Birthplace of British Columbia. A unique view of Barnston Island and the Golden Ears Peaks are only a few of the highlights on your way on the Historic Fort Langley Fraser River Tour + Cruise. • Delicious luncheon • A full day trip with an approx. • Refreshments available for 2-hour layover period in purchase from our Galley Bar Fort Langley (Tea / Coffee, Wines / Beers) • Admission to the Historic Fort • Continental breakfast items Langley Site not included will be available for purchase • Fully narrated tour that includes in the morning the history of the Fraser River and BC INCLUDED IN THE CRUISE

Call 604-525-4465 www.vancouverpaddlewheeler.com

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September 2018

sue? Missing an is ACY RM A PH L IM PE RIA y rr ca is pleased to sues -is ck ba e th many of year. from the past

Visit us ONLINE at ImperialPharmacy.ca

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IMPERIAL PHARMACY NW DOWNTOWN RESIDENTS’ ASSOCIATION MEETING September 5, 7:00 p.m., Holy Trinity Cathedral, 514 Carnarvon St NEW MEMBERS WELCOME! New memberships/renewals $5.00

NEW WESTMINSTER & DISTRICT CONCERT BAND — FORTE WIND ENSEMBLE REGISTRATION / REHEARSAL September 6, 6:30 p.m.–8:30 p.m., Richard McBride Elementary School Gym, 331 Richmond St, New Westminster. Registration and rehearsals begin tonight and continue Thursday evenings from 6:30 p.m.–8:30 p.m., September 2018 to June 2019. The Forte Wind Ensemble is a developmental band geared toward 2nd, 3rd and 4th year musicians. All ages are welcome. Family discount available. For more information or to join this or one of our other bands (senior, jazz), fill out the form on our website at www.nwdband.com.

NEW WESTMINSTER & DISTRICT CONCERT BAND — SENIOR BAND REGISTRATION / REHEARSAL September 10, 6:30 p.m.–8:30 p.m., Richard McBride Elementary School Gym, 331 Richmond St, New Westminster. Registration and rehearsals begin tonight and continue Thursday evenings from 6:30 p.m.–8:30 p.m., September 2018 to June 2019. The Senior Band is a performance band, playing music at the high school level (Grade 12) and up. Admission to the band is based on ability; all ages welcome. Family discount available. This band plays in local community concerts and festivals 2 or 3 times a year as well as our group Band Society concerts with our Jazz Band and Forte Wind Ensemble. For more information or to join this or one of our other bands, fill out the form on our website at www.nwdband.com.

CITY GRANTS INFORMATION SESSION September 12, 6:30 p.m.–8:30 p.m., City Hall, 511 Royal Ave, New Westminster Festival grant – Boardroom B. All other City Grants – Council Chambers The City’s online grant applications will be available for submission in September (exact date to be confirmed). The application deadline will be October 31, 2018. Anyone considering making an application is encouraged to attend this information session, where you will be able to ask questions

about your specific grant category application or anything pertaining to the online process. Festival grant: RSVP to specialevents@newwestcity.ca or 604-515-3827. All other grants: RSVP to ldick@newwestcity.ca or 604-636-4469.

MASSEY VICTORY HEIGHTS RESIDENTS’ ASSOCIATION MEETING September 27, 7:00 p.m., Mount Zion Lutheran Church, 1930 Cumberland Street (basement entrance, 10th Ave at Cumberland)

7TH ANNUAL MUSHTARI BEGUM FESTIVAL OF INDIAN CLASSICAL MUSIC AND DANCE September 29, 6:00 p.m.–11:00 p.m., Massey Theatre, 735 Eighth St Some of the finest Canadian and Indian artists will showcase their explosive talents at this one of a kind festival. Headlining performances will be given by Western Canadian Music Award nominees Cassius Khan and Amika Kushwaha. Kirthana Ramani Iyer, one of Canada’s finest Carnatic vocalists, will grace the MBF with her nightingale voice alongside Abhishek Iyer’s powerful Mridangam and Kaushik Sivaramakrishnan’s melodious violin all the way from Edmonton, Alberta; and Sharanjeet Singh Mand, Western Canada’s shining star of sitar, will enthrall the audience with his stupendous sitar techniques. The graceful and powerful Kathak dancer, Amika Kushwaha, will enthral the audience with her difficult and complex Kathak dance, and Cassius Khan will showcase his trademark mastery of singing ghazals while simultaneously playing the tabla. Tickets are on sale at the Massey Theatre box office in New Westminster. For more information on the Mushtari Begum Festival of Indian Classical Music and Dance, or to arrange interviews and press coverage, please contact the organizer, Cassius Khan at Cassius@CassiusKhan. com or by phone at 604-375-6515.

MON TO FRI 9AM-6PM | SAT 9AM-2:30PM | SUN 9AM-1:30PM 981 Carnarvon Street, New Westminster | 604-523-6767 When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

GEORGE GARRETT

THE INTREPID REPORTER

n George Garrett, The Intrepid Reporter, reporter George Garrett takes readers to the front lines of news coverage from some of the most memorable stories of the past four decades in British Columbia. Garrett rose through the ranks of journalism and came to be known as the reporter who, as radio personality Rafe Mair recalls, “seemed to know details almost as soon as the police did” on such infamous stories as the Clifford Olsen murders. He was assaulted in the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles, willing to take risks to get to the real story. Garrett shares the behind-thescenes tales of his harrowing, humorous and occasionally humiliating investigative tactics, from posing as an accident victim to uncover the questionable practices of an insurance claim lawyer, to acting as a tow truck driver to expose a forgery scheme, and baring it all for the sake of an interview with a local nudist colony. Garrett also delves into the personal details of his life, sharing the hardships and resilience that marks him as an empathetic story-teller. Garrett reveals the heartbreaking loss of his son in a canoeing accident, and his wife Joan’s devastating diagnosis of Alzheimer’s September 2018

Disease, which inspired him to dedicate his time to supporting the Alzheimer’s Society. Through it all, George Garrett never lost the insatiable curiosity that made him the “standard by which good reporting is judged.” George Garrett is a retired reporter who spent over 40 years with CKNW. He also worked briefly for BCTV, now Global TV. He has received the Bruce Hutchison Lifetime Achievement Award and a Lifetime Achievement award from the Radio/TV News Directors of Canada. He is an Honourary Life Member of the RCMP Veterans Association, an Associate Member of the Vancouver Police Superannuated Officers Association, and an Honourary Constable of the New Westminster Police. The late Rafe Mair said, “George Garrett set the standard by which all news reporters should be judged.” Still very active as Vice President of the Volunteer Cancer Drivers Society, Garrett is often invited to be a guest speaker. He will speak at Century House in New Westminster, October 13th. He will recall the great years when CKNW was located in New Westminster. The station was truly part of the community. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

• You refer to adults as, ‘boys and girls.’ • You encourage your spouse by telling them they are a ‘good helper.’ • Meeting a child’s parents instantly answers the question, “Why is this child like he is?” • You believe ‘extremely annoying’ should have its own box on the report. • You know hundreds of ‘good’ reasons for being late. • You don’t want children of your own because there isn’t a name you can hear that wouldn’t raise your blood pressure. CULINARY WHIZ Q: NAME THE FOUR SEASONS. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. WHAT A TEACHERS SAYS AND WHAT HE REALLY MEANS FOR YEAR 10 STUDENTS: • “The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class.” (I don’t know the answer.) • “If you follow these few simple rules, you’ll do fine on the course.” (If you don’t need any sleep, you’ll do fine in the course.) • “Various authorities agree that…” (My hunch is that…) • “You’ll have to see me during my office hours for a thorough answer to your question.” (I need more time to research the answer.) • “In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are several disparate points of view.” (I REALLY don’t know the answer.) • “We can continue this discussion outside of class.” (I want to quit because you’re winning the argument.) • “Today, we’ll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be good educational experience.”

continued on page 10

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For a full list of locations, visit www.piffle.ca/locations September 2018

(I stayed out to late last night and didn’t have time to prepare a lecture.) • “Any questions?” (I’m ready to let you go.) • “The test scores were generally good.” (Some of you managed a C+.) • “Before we begin the lesson for today, are there any questions about previous material?” (Has anyone opened the book yet?) PUNS 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. Will confiscated a rubber band pistol from his algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 8. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 9. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.” 10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. WHERE IS THE BC? A rather old fashioned lady was planning a couple of weeks vacation in Florida. She also was quite delicate and elegant with her language. She wrote a letter to a particular campground and asked for reservations. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped but didn’t know quite how to ask about the “toilet” facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term “Bathroom Commode,” but when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again; rewrote the entire letter and referred to the “Bathroom Commode” simply as the “B.C.”. Does the campground have its own “B.C.?” is what she actually wrote. continued on page 11

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11 Well, the campground owner wasn’t old fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he couldn’t figure out what the lady was talking about. That “B.C.” really stumped him. After worrying about it for several days, he showed the letter to other campers, but they couldn’t figure out what the lady meant either. The campground owner finally came to the conclusion that the lady was and must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church. So he sat down and wrote the following reply: Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure of informing in that the “B.C.” is located nine miles north of the camp site and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance way if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along, and make a day of it… They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats… They plan to hold the supper in the middle of the B.C., so everyone can watch and talk about this great event… I would like to say it pains me very much, not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not for lack of desire on my part… As we grow older, it seems to be more and more of an effort, particularly in cold weather… If you decide to come down to the campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go… sit with you… and introduce you to all the other folks… This is really a very friendly community… OLD FOLKS HYMNS • Precious Lord, Take My Hand… And Help Me Up • It Is Well with My Soul… But My Knees Hurt • Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing • Just a Slower Walk with Thee • Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One • Go Tell It on the Mountain… But Speak Up • Give Me the Old Timers’ Religion • Blessed Insurance • Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah… I’ve Forgotten Where I Parked continued on page 12

POET’S CORNER with

JANET KVAMMEN

VICE-PRESIDENT, ROYAL CITY LITERARY ARTS SOCIETY

Postcard from the Old Crow Café, Front Street © Alan Hill, Poet Laureate, New Westminster

More hipsters than you can shake a stick at. People you never see anywhere else. I suppose they must live here. Relaxed, literate types, armed with front line facial hair, surrealist sideburns. Backwoods bohemians with laptops, in a wonky, mind bent, year 1910. My people under stripped bare brick. A compass point, touchtone of industrial, raw primordial New Westminster. I left with a quadruple Americano, a tattoo of a raven on my thigh the feeling, it may not be too late, to learn the Banjo, run away, join the circus. Alan Hill is the Poet Laureate of the City of New Westminster and President of RCLAS. He has published three full collections of poetr y including his most recent “The Narrow Road to the Far West — Travelling New Westminster by Postcard” (Silver Bow Publishing). Alan has been published in over forty literary magazines and periodicals across Europe and North America. In Canada his publication credits include CV2, Event, Canadian Literature, Acta Victoriana, Dalhousie Review, Antigonish Review, subTerrain, Windsor Review, Poetry is Dead and many others.

Welcoming New Westminster Poets! Please submit your “New West” poems by emailing Janet at janetkvammen@rclas.com Visit www.rclas.com for all the latest events.

Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms!

12 PIFFLE’S

HOW FAST CAN YOU GET THROUGH?

NUMBER BLOCKS

Try to fi ll in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right.

September 2018

WHAT DID HE SAY An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?” The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” The old man yelled, “He says you were speeding!” The patrolman said, “May I see your license?” The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, “What did he say?” The old man yelled, “He wants to see your license!” The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.” The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He said he thinks he knows you!”. BABY Once there was a woman who had a baby at the age of 85. The neighbor lady across the street was thrilled to see the baby and mama return home from the hospital in perfect health. Later, the lady ventured across the street to ask to see the newborn babe. She knocked on the door and heard the new mama call out, “Come on in. It’s open.” So she went on in. She asked the older lady if she could see the baby and the older woman replied, “You can see it in a minute. The baby is sleeping.” So they proceeded to have some tea and cookies. Later, the younger lady looked at her watch and realized that the time had gotten away from them. So, she asked again if she could see the baby. This time the older woman seemed to be a little annoyed. Finally the younger woman said, “I really don’t understand why you will not let me see the baby. It has been three hours and I am still waiting to see it.” With that the older woman replied, “I know you have been here for quite some time and have showed remarkable patience with me. The truth is I keep hoping the baby will wake up and start to cry so I can remember where I put it!” KISS THE FROG Two old guys are playing tennis. At one point, the ball rolls into some bushes and, continued on page 13 | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

13 when one of the players goes to retrieve it, he is confronted by a frog claiming to be a beautiful princess who has been turned into a frog by a mischievous wizard. If the player will kiss her, the frog assures him, she will revert to her natural princess state and marry him, and they’ll both live happily ever after. The player pockets the frog and returns to the game. After a bit, the frog, inside the player’s pocket croaks, “Sir, did you forget about me? I’m this beautiful princess, turned into a frog, if you kiss me…” and so forth, to which she receives the reply, “Dear lady frog, I will be completely honest with you. I have reached the age at which I would rather have a talking frog than a new wife.” SILENCE PUN Submitted by Ray Sargent

At a wedding I attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead. As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, “Dad, you have some of their albums!” NUTS Mrs. Jones had been a staple of her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence was noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door and being that she’s nearly 85 it took her a bit to get to the door. “Hello, who is it?” she asked. “It’s Pastor Smith”, he answered. “OH Hi-Come in, Come in, how’s the ministry doing?” She said. “Very well, I just wanted to make sure your prayer needs are being met.” “Oh honey, I haven’t felt well lately but I’m getting better” Just then the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The pastor sat near a table with an old reader’s digest and a bowl of peanuts. After 15 minutes, then 20, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless. He started in on the bowl of peanuts and began reading. After 45 minutes, he suddenly realized that he had eaten all of the peanuts. Right then Mrs. Jones returned and said, “Oh I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have to catch up on everything.” The continued on page 14

750 Carnarvon St, New Westminster

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Love to get Out and About? Senior Services Society supports New Westminster residents (60+) to maintain their independence by providing an opportunity to enjoy meals, activities and events with other local seniors. The following restaurants generously partner with us to offer affordable, all-inclusive meals: Gino’s, The 6th St. Grill, and The Waffle House. Our shopping trips include Lougheed Mall, Guildford Mall, Value Village, and Talize. We also provide outings to community events, theatre and musical performances, seasonal walking trips, and recreational outings, such as Singing Christmas Tree, Honey Bee Centre, and drives around Steveston and White Rock. We offer reduced admission costs in partnership with our outing venues. Our 16-passenger bus provides door-to-door service to New Westminster residents (60+). Our experienced drivers and volunteers assist with boarding and disembarking, providing care and attention to ensure our outings run smoothly. To register, please call 604-520-6621.

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pastor feeling a little embarrassed said “I must also apologize, for while you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there. Please, forgive me” he said. Mrs. Jones replied, “Oh that’s ok, without my teeth, all I can do is just suck the chocolate off of them!” she says. BURGERS At a local Burger place an elderly couple came in and ordered one burger, one order of fries and one coke with two glasses. When they got to their booth, the man placed a napkin in front of himself and one in front of his wife, then proceeded to divide the fries, cut the burger in half and divided the coke equally. A gentleman nearby noticed and offered to buy them another burger, fries and Coke. The woman then said, “No you don’t understand. We’ve been married over 50 years and all our life we agreed to split everything right down the middle.” Her husband then began eating, as she sat with her hands in her lap. The gentleman nearby noticed and asked the lady why she wasn’t eating. She replied, “As I said before, we split everything right down the middle, and it’s his day to use the teeth first.” ICE CREAM An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to

write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice. When they got home, the wife said, “Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?” “Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!” “Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.” “Don’t be silly,” replied the husband. “A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!” “OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife. “Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband. “No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.” With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “Hey, where’s the toast?” SNOW One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her continued on page 15

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brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, “So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?” BIRTH CONTROL Mrs. Smith, an elderly woman, went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.” Quite surprised, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?” The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.” The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?” The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.” FRECKLES An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. “You’ve got so many freckles, there’s no place to paint!” a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. “I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles,” she said, while tracing her finger across the child’s cheek. “Freckles are beautiful.” The boy looked up, “Really?” “Of course,” said the grandmother. “Why just name me one thing that’s prettier than freckles.” The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma’s face, and softly whispered, “Wrinkles.” CAN YOU HEAR ME? An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood

continued on page 17

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We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

KID’S CORNER with

ISAIAH

Do you have a joke you want to share? Submit them at

www.piffle.ca/ contact

Knock, Knock Who’s there? Atch! Atch who? Bless you!

Knock, Knock Who’s there? Figs! Figs who? Figs the doorbell, it’s broken!

Knock, Knock Who’s there? I am! I am who? You don’t know who you are? Knock, Knock Who’ s there? Kent! Kent who? Kent you tell who I am by my voice?

Knock, Knock Who’s there? Isabel! Isabel who? Isabel broken? I had to knock! Knock, Knock Who’s there? Utah! Utah who? Utal-king to me? September 2018

Knock, Knock Who’s there? Tiss! Tiss who? A Tiss-who is good for blowing your nose! Knock, Knock Who’s there? Yodel-lay-he! Yodel-lay-he-who? Yodel-lay-he-who, I didn’t know you can yodel! Knock, Knock Who’s there? Banana! Banana who? Knock, Knock Who’s there? Banana!

Knock, Knock Who’s there? Orange! Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana!

Knock, Knock Who’s there? Issac! Issac who? Issac of knock, knock jokes already! | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, “Honey, can you hear me?” There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, “Honey, can you hear me?” Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, “Honey, can you hear me?” She replied, “For the third time, Yes!”

MATH MADNESS

GODLIKE My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo while I asked, “No, how are we alike?” You’re both old,” he replied. BLINKING LIGHTS Sixty year old John went on to his annual checkup. The doctor asked him if he was still getting up in the middle of the night and going to the bathroom. He replied, “Yes But the lord has made it much better for me, He turns on the light when I go and He turns off the light when I am done”. The doctor replied, “Really!!!” About and hour after that the doctor called John’s wife and said: He looks fine. But he said that God is making it better for him, when he gets up and Goes to the bathroom during the night God turns on and off the light. She replied, “that old fool he has been going to the bathroom in the refrigerator again”. HOUSEKEEPING… OR NOT • I don’t put things away because… My husband will never be able to find them again. • I don’t do windows because… I love birds and don’t want one to fly into a clean window and get hurt. • I don’t wax floors because… I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I’ll feel terrible and they may sue me. • I don’t disturb cobwebs because… I want every creature to have a home of their own. • I don’t Spring Clean because… I love all the seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous. • I don’t pull weeds in the garden because… I don’t want to get in God’s way, he is an excellent designer. continued on page 18

Try to fi ll in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction.

Puzzle 1 (Medium, difficulty rating 0.52)

SUDOKU! 8

5 3

2 4

9 3 4

6 9

5 6

3 4

9 6

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on row Tue Decmust 5 23:18:38 2017 GMT. Enjoy! Each column must Each Each block must contain all of the contain all of the contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 numbers 1 through 9 numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers and no two numbers and no two numbers in the same column in the same row of a in the same block of of a Sudoku puzzle Sudoku puzzle can a Sudoku puzzle can can be the same. be the same. be the same.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

BY ROSS HOOD

PUZ ZLE #50

The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.

HINT: WATCH IT FLUTTER BY 2

1 1 8

5 1

5 10 11 13

3 2 2

2 2

• I don’t do gourmet meals when I entertain because… I don’t want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner. • I don’t iron because… I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press.” BRIEF THOUGHTS Submitted by Ray Sargent

• I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? • I don’t mind the dust bunnies because… They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say. • If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent or food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful. GOLF In eighty-year-old man’s golf game was hampered by poor eyesight. He could hit the ball well but he couldn’t see where it went. So his doctor teamed him up with a ninety-year-old man continued on page 20

CROSSWORD

DOWN 1. A spy is usually on this type of mission. 2. Avast! We talk like these this month.

3. Jack: A card came with the name of a U.S. state.

4. This popular sport ends this month for the season. 5. This is actually a fruit. And it will be getting nice and big soon! 6. the Big Red Dog.

8. A cave grotto or subterraneous place of large extent used for the burial of the dead. 9. This is a person who uses big words. How ironic. 10. If you haven’t heard of this word, you might be a person who lives under a rock.

ACROSS 7.

A word that starts with ‘A’ and is another word for ‘favorable’ or ‘prosperous’.

11. Somebody who drinks a lot of wine. September 2018

12. This tool gives summaries of information. 14. To construe wrongly to interpret erroneously.

11. These have all but replaced the original blackboards. No chalk necessary. 13. A really old house in New Westminster. It’s apparently haunted too.

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who had perfect eyesight and was willing to go along to serve as a spotter. The eighty-year-old man hit the first ball and asked his companion if he saw where it landed. “Yep,” said the ninety-year-old. “Where did it go?” the eighty-year-old demanded. The ninety-year old replied, “I don’t remember.” THE HAPPY LOOK A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,”she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?” “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.” “That’s amazing,”the woman said. “How old are you?’ “Twenty-six,” he said.

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Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help

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N F L E E U N N V E O L W K U U S D S O

September 2018

X O I E W T R R R B B W P F M M E E T Q

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W A I W D S P U O H H V P L I S W Z S S

H O R O S C O P E S W T N S P S S E G S

S U P P L I E S S E L Z Z U P H V L E K

E R J Y M L O O H C S O T K C A B D S D

E L E V E N W F Q H U E D J E J O J J T

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him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and

asked, “What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore.”

“I hired a professional worrier and I haven’t had a

worry since,” replied Jack.

“That must be expensive,” Bob replied.

“Yes, he charges $5,000 a month,” Jack told him.

“$5,000!!? How can you afford to pay him?” exclaimed Bob.

“Hmmm, I don’t know. That’s his problem.”

WHERE THERE’S A WILL THERE’S A WAY An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems

for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the

doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the

doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family

yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

There’s no future in time travel.

NINE / ELEVEN

By Evelyn Benson t was a beautiful September morning. ‘Indian Summer’, we liked to call it at our little piece of heaven called Keats Island. Don switched on the table-top TV and fiddled with the ‘rabbit ears’ to bring in a clearer picture. In 2001 there was no cable service on our island and satellite service was talked about as an alternative, but we hadn’t looked into it yet. We could get (weather permitting) CBC Vancouver, KVOS Bellingham, WA., CHEX Victoria and once-in-awhile we could get a station in Tacoma, WA. Once Don got a clear picture, he began to make our morning coffee. I looked across our one-room cabin and thought we were watching a re-run of The Towering Inferno when Don reached over and turned up the Volume knob and said, “Listen!” Stunned, we realized that what we were watching was REAL. A tall building in New York City had been hit by a plane! Then, right before our eyes A SECOND PLANE struck! The rest is history — and we were watching it live in a 16 x 16 ft. cabin in the woods on the west coast of British Columbia — a continent away. After the towers fell, Don and I knew that life would never be the same. In only a few minutes, the world had changed — forever. When the entire USA was immediately declared a “NO FLY ZONE”, many of the flights already in the air were diverted to the nearest Canadian airport. Vancouver became a parking lot for over 200 airliners. In fact, Canada became one-big-parking-lot! In small towns like Gander, Newfoundland, townsfolk suddenly had thousands of stranded passengers with no place to sleep or eat. The people of Gander opened their hearts, their spare bedrooms and their living room couches to strangers — who soon became friends. The Canadian government flew extra food supplies to the generous householders of Gander. On September 13th we contacted Alaska Air because weeks earlier we had booked a September 14th flight to Las Vegas. Our son Scott and his wife were joining us for a three-day vacation at the Tropicana Resort on the Las Vegas Strip. We were informed that flights were now being resumed and that we had been re-booked on a flight to San Francisco with a shuttle flight to Las Vegas the next morning. The ‘first change’ we noticed was the extreme measures we were put through by US Customs. Then, on the flight to ‘Frisco there were only about 20 passengers

.95

September 2018

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23 in that big plane and on the shuttle to Las Vegas there were only a handful. It dawned on us that people were afraid to fly! It was our family’s belief that it was probably the safest day in aeronautical history to fly. At both airports, for the first time in our travel experience, everywhere we looked there were grim-faced young American soldiers carrying automatic weapons! In Vegas, we noticed the luggage carousel was practically empty. The South Tower, September 9, 2011. At the taxi stand outside we could see a line of empty taxis that stretched out of as we used the overhead cross-walk from the MGM sight, all waiting for passengers who weren’t flying. Grand to New York! New York! …we stopped to look Our cabbie admitted that if people stopped flying out down the length of the famous Las Vegas Boulevard, of fear, then he’d have to find another job in order to better known as ‘The Strip’. We were awestruck! feed his family. That corner where The Strip and Tropicana Avenue As we entered the Tropicana Casino, I felt there was cross (all 16 lanes) is considered the busiest intersecsomething wrong — and then it hit me! Noise! THERE tion in the world! And as we stood there, I could have WAS NO NOISE! If you have ever entered a casino, counted on the fingers of both hands the number of you are instantly hit by a cacophony of ‘Ca-ching, cacars within sight. ching, ca-ching’” as each player plays a slot on one We often joke about our American cousins and of the hundreds of slot machines on the casino floor. their unseemly, in-your-face patriotism, but during Dealers shout, “Place your bets!” or “And it’s BLACK — that sad time of ‘9/11’ I couldn’t help but admire them. SEVENTEEN!” But on that day, September 14, 2001 as I Every building, every house, every car, every bicycle stood in the Lobby of the Tropicana Resort there was and every lapel was proudly displaying ‘The Stars & an eerie lack of noise. Blackjack Dealers leaned on their Stripes’. We commented on this to our cab driver on the elbows at empty tables. Roulette wheels were silent and way back to the airport to fly home. He told us that you still. There were no loud shouts from the patrons of the couldn’t BUY an American flag anywhere. They were Craps Table. There WERE no patrons! Occasionally I sold out. To fill the need, all the daily newspapers patriheard a faint “ca-ching” from a lonely slot player in a otically printed a full-page American flag in full colour distant corner of the casino. It was surreal! so people could paste it in their windows! Later, we took a walk to our other favourite casinos OK, I admit it… I was humming in that taxi… God Bless to see if they, too, were all deserted. They were. And America!

This story is from Evelyn Benson’s award-winning book, A CENTURY IN A SMALL TOWN — One Family’s Stories. Both Book 1 & Book 2 are available at Renaissance Books, 712 – 12th St, New West and www.amazon.ca. Watch for more stories in next month’s Piffle. When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I’m older, I don’t need the W.

For Personality Proﬁles/ Transit Report/Relationship Compatibility visit www.astrologybyliza.com HOROSCOPES by LIZA

SEPT 2018

ARIES: Jupiter oﬀers you blessings this month in your house of money. Just be sure what you buy is really what you want. Wasting money is not a good idea. TAURUS: Self discovery plays a major role for you during this time. As does self indulgence. You express yourself in grandiose way and others are attracted to you. GEMINI: Spiritual and religious values may seem to take center stage. You may see the world through compassionate eyes and want to do something about it. CANCER: Friends and groups play an important role in your life during this time. Whatever you put out at this time will come back in great quantities. LEO: Authority figures see you in a positive light during this time. You can expect promotions and recognition for your hard work. VIRGO: Travel and higher learning take center stage. People of ethnic races and different cultures play a major role during this time. Think and achieve. LIBRA: Your likely to benefit from other people's resources during this time. Loans will become available. You may seek insight from mystical literature. SCORPIO: Partnerships both professionally and personally benefit you during this time. Now is not a good time to go at it alone. Ask and you shall receive. SAGITTARIUS: Now is a good time to quit those nasty habits. Improvements in your daily life take place. Avoid any kind of over indulgence. CAPRICORN: Self expression takes center stage. Creativity and artistic abilities are also highlighted during this time. Take some time to have fun. AQUARIUS: You may seek peace and security within your home-life. If planning on purchasing a new home all will go well. Family will be of great assistance. PISCES: You want to share your ideas and so you shall. Say what is on your mind, others are ready and willing to listen. Siblings play an important role. September 2018

TEN DOLLARS Every year, Smitty and his wife Martha went to the State Fair. And every year, Smitty would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year, Martha would reply, “I know, Smitty, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.” This one year Smitty and Martha went to the fair and Smitty said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.“ Martha replied, “Smitty, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.” The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.” Smitty and Martha agreed, and up they went. The pilot performed all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He even does a nose dive, pulling up 15 feet above the ground, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Smitty, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.” Smitty replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out… but ten dollars is ten dollars!” HONEY, IT’S ME There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: “Hello?” “Honey, It’s me.” “Sugar!” “Are you at the club?” “Yes.” “Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat… It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?” “What’s the price?” “Only $1,500.00” “Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much…” “Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price… and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…” “What price did he quote you?” “Only $60,000…”

continued on page 25

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Call or email us today for a quote! “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.” “Great!, before we hang up, something else…” “What?” “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and… I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year… it’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property…” “How much are they asking?” “Only $450,000… a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…” “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?” “OK, sweetie… Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!” “Bye… I do too…” The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: “Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?” FEELINGS A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, “Hey Billy, want to play house?” He said, “Sure! What do you want me to do?” Sally replied, “I want you to communicate your feelings.” “Communicate my feelings?” said a bewildered Billy… “I have no idea what that means.” The little girl nods and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.” LOW ENERGY A man went to the doctor because he was concerned about his lessening level of energy. He told his doctor continued on page 26

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that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “Now,

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“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just

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“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term

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so I can tell my wife.”

WHERE CREDIT’S DUE Submitted by Ray Sargent

My friend’s wife returned from a tour of duty in the

Middle East. To celebrate, he decided to take her out for a night on the town. Proud of her service record, he suggested she wear her uniform. Not only did a patriotic taxi driver refuse to accept money from

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At the end of the evening, my friend turned to his

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September 2018

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THOUGHTS… 1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? You CAN Tell the Difference! 6. If It’s Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I 7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won’t Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II 8. Going to the Supermarket: It’s Not Just for Women Anymore! 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let’s Wash Those Towels! 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You’re About to Run Out of Toilet Paper! 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill 15. Retro? Or Just Hideous? Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts 16. No, The Dishes Won’t Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! 18. Strange But True! She Really May NOT Care What “Fourth Down and Ten” Means 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don’t Fall Under the “Action/Adventure” Category 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote 22. “I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!” Why Women Laugh 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let’s Clean the Closet 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let’s Clean Under the Bed 25. “I Don’t Know” Be the First Man to Say It! 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty continued on page 28

FIRE PREVENTION WEEK OCTOBER 7–13, 2018: “LOOK. LISTEN. LEARN.” This year’s campaign, “Look. Listen. Learn. Be aware. Fire can happen anywhere,” works to educate people about three basic but essential steps to take to reduce the likelihood of having a fire — and how to escape safely in the event of one:

“LOOK” for places fire could start. “LISTEN” for the sound of the smoke alarm. “LEARN” two ways out of every room. In conjunction with fire prevention week, the New Westminster Fire Department will be opening its’ doors on OCTOBER 13 from 10:00 A.M. to 2:00 P.M. The main event this year will feature a fire and sprinkler side-by-side live burn demonstration. The demonstration consists of two “rooms” — both are furnished as a typical living room, bedroom or dorm room. The difference is that one of the rooms has a smoke alarm, while the other has a smoke alarm and a single sprinkler head. This demonstration reveals the speed at which the fire sprinkler suppresses the fire in one room — usually under a minute — while the other room continues to burn. Please join us for an interactive, behind the scenes look at the services we provide for the community along with the agencies that we work with. It will be an enjoyable day for young and old with presentations and information on topics such as home safety, extinguishers and home smoke alarms.

New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services Fire Prevention Office, 1 East 6th Avenue, New Westminster, BC V3L 4G6

www.newwestcity.ca

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

27. Directions: It’s Okay to Ask for Them

Ed Goss

Associate Broker MLS Master Medallion

Serving You Since February 1984

28. Listening: It’s Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You

Have Power Tools Doesn’t Mean You Can Fix It

CHEAP After being away on business, Tim thought it would

be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.

604-644-0141 edjgoss@gmail.com www.EdGoss.com

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

“That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a

smaller bottle for $30.00.

“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny

$15.00 bottle.

“What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something

really cheap.”

WORK ING FOR YOU

The clerk handed him a mirror.

SCHOOL Q & A

SHORES OF MAUI Vacation Condo Rental Terry & Loretta Embling terryloretta@hotmail.com Cel: 604-418-8782

Q: What three candies can you find in every school? A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.

Q: Why did the student take a ladder to school? A: Because he/she was going to high school!

Q: What’s another name for Santa’s elves? A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: What’s a teacher’s favorite nation?

Inquire Online:

www.shoresofmaui.net

September 2018

A: EXPLA-NATION.

continued on page 29

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BACKTALK Teacher: “Why are you talking during my lesson?” Student: “Why are you teaching during my conversation?” Teacher: “Simon, can you say your name backwards?” Simon: “No Mis.” Mom: What did you learn in school? Son: Not enough I have to go back again tomorrow. Teacher: How can we keep the school clean? Student: By staying at home.

In 1912, a strike by approximately 20,000 female textile workers in Lawrence, Massachusetts, inspired a song that has become the anthem of women in Canada’s labour movement. What is the name of the song? (See the OK Tire ad for the answer)

Teacher: What is irony? Student: “Irony is when something has the chemical symbol Fe.” HUMAN BODY The teacher asks, “Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?” Flora blushes and says, “That’s disgusting, I won’t even answer that question.” The teacher calls on Johnny: “What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?” “That’s easy,” says Johnny. “It’s the pupil of the eye.” “Very good, Johnny,” responds the teacher. “That’s correct.” She then turns to Flora and says, “First, you didn’t do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you’re in for a BIG disappointment.”

Subscription Form Name Address

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on Tue Dec 5 23:18:38 2017 GMT. Enjoy!

❑ 1 Year ($50 + $2.50 TAX)* ❑ New ❑ Renewal ❑ Send me the FREE digital version too! Subscription Start M M / Y Y Y Y Make payments to “Sargent’s Publishing” Piffle Subscription Manager 4th Floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5

*Subscription rate has increased due to Canada Post’s announced increase in stamp prices.

NUMBER BLOCKS

Each column must contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers in the same column of a Sudoku puzzle can be the same.

8 3 9 6 4 7 2 5 1

Each row must contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers in the same row of a Sudoku puzzle can be the same.

9 1 6 7 8 4 5 2 3

7 2 5 1 9 3 4 6 8

3 4 8 5 6 2 1 7 9

Each block must contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers in the same block of a Sudoku puzzle can be the same.

4 9 3 2 7 8 6 1 5

1 8 7 4 5 6 9 3 2

continued on page 29

Postal

APPLYING FOR A JOB There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant.

City Province Phone Email

2 9 3

3 1 1 1

8 6

1 1

2 3 4

5 1 4

1 3

3 1

1 2 2

6 1 6

5 10 11 13 1 5

5 3 4

1 5 1

1 2 1 2

4 1

2 2

HINT: WATCH IT FLUTTER BY

8 4

SUDOKU!

Puzzle 1 (Medium, difficulty rating 0.52)

6 7

6 5

MATH MADNESS

BY ROSS HOOD

HOW FAST CAN YOU GET THROUGH?

PUZ ZLE #50

PIFFLE’S

PIFFLE PUZZLE SOLUTIONS Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say “we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?” The mathematician, without hesitation, says “1000.” The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers “1000… I’m 95% confident.” He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way. When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: “what is 500 plus 500?” The accountant replies, “what would you like it to be?” They hire the accountant. SCHOOL PAPER John wrote an article in the school paper about how this chemical, dihydrogenoxide, has killed over 100,000 people world wide, usually through inhalation. The story also went on that even if you wash your food you can never get this chemical off. No matter what you do you will be exposed to this very dangerous chemical every day of your life until you die. The story finished by claiming that there needs to be a government research group founded to find a solution. Yada… yada… yada… Anyway, the local newspaper reporter read this story in his daughters school paper and decided to do a follow up. If you haven’t figured it out di-hydrogen-oxide is the correct name for H2O or water. The deaths that he was quoting were from drownings. Anyhow, this reporter ran the article in a paper and started a local push for a government study before they realized what the story was about. PSYCHIC HOTLINE A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?” “No,” says his advisor, “in her biology class.” TRUMP TRAVELS Donald Trump visits Algeria. As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people, continued on page 31

September 2018

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“You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra…” ROCKET TO SPACE There was a man who wanted a rocket to go to space He told his wife and she said OK. The next day he went downstairs and the TV was gone his wife came in the room and said what you said you wanted some space. FRONT SEAT A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a Siberian Lynx in the front seat. “What are you doing with that Siberian Lynx?” He exclaimed, “You should take it to the zoo.” The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the cat again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. “I thought you were going to take that cat to the zoo!”

AROUND TOWN

continued on page 35

TAIWANFEST 2018

Debby

Donaldson

Retired Registered Nurse

Services: • Medications • Companion • Shopping • Appointments (Drs/Surgical) References upon request.

778-773-3999 ddonaldson650@gmail.com

Saturdays and Sundays from noon to 2:00 p.m. $20.00 ea. All proceeds to New Westminster Uptown Unplugged features talented musicians community charities. from throughout Metro Vancouver. Contact music@acnw.ca for more information. ECHELON ART SHOW

September 1–3, Granville St, Vancouver The annual event includes concerts and other live entertainment as well as lectures, films, culinary shows, visual arts exhibits, family-oriented NEW WEST SUMMER activities and a giant street party with food and FARMERS MARKET market stalls. Thursday, September 20, 3:00 p.m.–7:00 p.m.

BANDS ON THE BEACH 2018

September 1–2, Harrison Hot Springs Waterfront This free concerts take place along the waterfront in the afternoons during Bands on the Beach. Country rock star Todd Richard headlines.

UPTOWN UNPLUGGED: LAURA BOWER

Sunday, September 9, 12:00 p.m.–2:00 p.m. Laura Bower is a Vancouver-based vocalist. She performs a wide range of music, from jazz, folk, pop, and soul. Her unique style of storytelling through music is both captivating and soulful. Uptown Unplugged is a weekly performing arts series presented in partnership with the Uptown New West Business Association and the Arts Council of New Westminster. Performances take place in various locations throughout Uptown on

Opening Reception: Friday September 22, 7:00 p.m.–10:00 p.m., Pop-up Space, 50 6th St

You are invited to the Echelon Art Show which will be open to the public September 22–24. Featured Artists: Tiffany Prince — President of the New West Artists www.newwestartists.com Janet Kvammen — VP of the New West Artists, Jennifer Pistone — Owner of Brick & Mortar Living www.brickandmortarliving.com Monika Blichar — Producer of The Art World Expo www.theartworldexpo.com.

The New West Farmers Market Association focuses on environmentally sustainable food production by bringing locally grown and produced foods to the community, thereby contributing to the local economic development, healthy eating, and food security while connecting with our heritage of having a vibrant city market. Our market features farm-fresh produce, plants, quality crafts from local artists and artisans, gourmet prepared foods, community information, live Free to attend! All original artwork is for sale! Many entertainment, and more! thanks go to our sponsors Brick & Mortar Living and The Arts Council of New West. FRATERNAL ORDER OF

EAGLES PARKING LOT GARAGE SALE

Saturday, September 22, 9:00 a.m.–3:00 p.m. West End Pharmacy, 8th Ave & 20th St

Email jnelson 2110@shaw.ca or call Joan 604-521-2391 or to reserve a table. Table rentals

RICHMOND NIGHT MARKET

On until October 8, 8351 River Rd, Richmond

Considered the closet thing to an authentic Asian night market outside of Asia, this shopping, culinary and cultural delight is not to be missed.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

STRATA LIVING ELIGIBILITY FOR COUNCIL

By Tony Gioventu, Executive Director, Condominium Home Owners' Association of BC

ear Tony: Is a spouse of an owner allowed to be elected to council? Our strata manager told us all we needed was for the owner to assign their rights as a tenant so they could be elected to council. This seems like a bizarre way to get extra people on council, when we are constantly short, and now we have a number of owners who are challenging the election as they were unaware of the status at our AGM when they were elected. ~ Marty Q, Port Coquitlam Dear Marty: The Act permits 3 classes of persons to be elected to council. An owner, individuals representing corporate owners, and tenants under the Act who have been assigned a landlord’s right to be council members. Owners are persons of any shared interest who are registered on the title as an owner. Corporate representatives are those assigned by the corporation so a strata may want to request a copy of the assignment and verify it was assigned by an authorized party. And finally tenants assigned rights. We commonly see this where there is a commercial lease or long term residential lease or rental. By written assignment, the tenant is authorized by the landlord to stand for council. However, the Act also provides that, where there is a rental of the strata lot to one of the family members identified in the Strata Property Regulations (which includes a spouse), that rental creates an assignment of all of the owner’s powers and duties (other than the owner’s obligation for fines and bylaw enforcement costs), which assignment is to be confirmed by the tenant giving written notice of the assignment.

George Garrett, Vice-President

Allyson Baker, a lawyer with Clark Wilson LLP, notes that a spousal relationship does not automatically create a rental relationship nor does it completely preclude one. While uncommon, some spouses may have chosen to order their financial affairs so as to create a rental arrangement between them. Ms. Baker further commented that, where a tenancy relationship did exist between spouses, she would expect that the spouse that owned the lot would have produced a signed Form K confirming the relationship in addition to the assignment document. Once the assignment and Form K have been provided, the tenant spouse would then exercise all of the powers and duties of the owner except as provided by the Act. A simple solution to adding additional council members is for the strata to adopt a bylaw that would permit a spouse of an owner, or other classes of persons who are not on title to be eligible for council with the consent of the owner. This publication contains general information only and is not intended as legal advice. Use of this publication is at your own risk. CHOA, the author and related entities will not be liable to you or any other person for any loss or damage arising from, connected with or relating to the use of this publication or any information contained herein by you or any other person. The contents of this publication may not be reproduced, blogged, or distributed in any fashion without the explicit prior consent of the writer.

Direct office phone: 604-515-9683 Office email: tony@choa.bc.ca Mobile: 604-323-6458

Condominium Home Owners Association of BC

VOLUNTEER DRIVERS URGENTLY NEEDED FOR NEW WESTMINSTER! Formed to fill an urgent need for cancer patients to have free transportation to and from treatment facilities. To learn more, phone 604-515-5400 or visit www.volunteercancerdrivers.ca

September 2018

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We create great SMILES and Piffle gives you a reason to smile!

Welcome to Sapperton Dental in New Westminster Our patient-centered practice offers comprehensive dental care with an equal commitment to preventive, restorative, and cosmetic dentistry. At our clinic, our patients are our top priority. We value personalized attention and long-term relationships with our clients. Dr. Sandeep Sachdeva and Dr. Sarika Sachdeva perform a full range of dental services, from simple fillings and teeth whitening to full smile makeovers all performed in a warm care caring environment.

To Book your next appointment please contact Serena or Shelley

604-544-0894 #105-301 E. Columbia St, New Westminster Right across the street from Royal Columbian Hosptial

www.sappertondental.com Strip mining prevents forest fires.

THIS IS YOUR I N V I TAT I O N !

BUSINESS DIRECTORY

604-525-9027 chrissargent@piffle.ca

BOOKS 604.525.4566

712B 12th St

New Westminster renbooks@telus.net renaissancebookstore.com

“Good clean cars, reasonably priced!”

301-12th St, New West

604-377-5889 September 2018

Join Us Sundays: 4:00 pm

Quinn Waddington, CFA

604.299.9538 info@lhohcf.ca lhohcf.ca We are a multi-cultural community church where everyone is welcome— AND WE REALLY MEAN IT!

Investment Advisor, Portfolio Manager FPSC Level 1® Certificant in Financial Planning Canaccord Genuity Wealth Management T: 604.699.0874 E: quinn.waddington@canaccord.com www.waddingtonwealth.ca

/issue

Contact Chris today!

RENAISSANCE

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FOOTBALL SPECIAL SERVING YOUR COMMUNITY 325 6th Street New Westminster, BC Tel: 604-521-0363 Service at 11am See you at church!

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604-553-7273 MOON CONSTRUCTION

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604.562.4637 laramoving.ca

Additions • Renovations New Construction

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All your carpentry & handyman needs

New Clients Welcome! • 20+ Years Experienced Agents! • Best Prices Guaranteed! • Shop Local!

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VIP Travel Est. 1989

Sunday School & ESL Bible Study 9:00am Sunday Service 10:00am 930 Cumberland St New Westminster

604-521-0120

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Affordable mobile, telephone and video counseling. Our counselors can help you with: · Depression · Anxiety · Addictions and more…

604-798-4075

Learn how to create through the power of intention:

www.cyfnlp.com/blog

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The man replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!” MAKES SENSE • Organized people are simply too lazy to search for stuff. • If you’re having a bad day, remember some adults wear braces. • A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people. • My relationship is like an iPad. I don’t have an iPad. • I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect. FUN FACTS 1. A sloth takes 2 weeks to digest the food he’s eaten. 2. In the USA, there are more Chinese restaurants than all the McDonald’s, KFCs, Burger Kings and Wendy’s put together. 3. If you kept yelling for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would produce enough sound energy to heat up a cup of tea.

604-517-1230 oktirenw@shaw.ca

WE HAVE MOVED! WE ARE NOW AT 641 LOUGHEED HWY

continued on page 36

Bread and Roses

Burnaby Square

Prescriptions

#107-7885 6TH STREET, BURNABY Fast, personalized service Accepting most extended health plans FREE in-store blood pressure monitoring Specializing in Diabetic patient care Blood-glucose monitor supplies FREE blister packaging

PHONE: 604-523-1400 Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

Ask about transferring prescription refills.

FREE 1 HOUR PARKING

VIP Specializes in the following… European Escorted & Custom Tours River Cruises – Ask about FREE airfare! Destination Weddings! School & Family Groups Corporate Travel Club Med Top Selling Agency in BC for:

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VIP Travel Est. 1989

4. There are approximately 100,000 hairs on an average human head. 5. At any given moment, about 0.7% of the people in the world are drunk. 6. In 2001, a seven foot bull shark bit off a boy’s arm. His uncle not only saved the boy, but dived in after the shark, wrestled it to shore where the shark was shot, retrieved the boy’s arm and it was sewn back on in the hospital. 7. When you say “a million seconds”, it means 11 and a half days. “A billion seconds” would be over 31 years. 8. There are more English speakers in China than in the United States. 9. Camels can hold a grudge and wait patiently for their opportunity to take revenge. 10. A woman who was blinded in an accident developed multiple personalities — and some of those personalities could see. 11. In Russia, it is forbidden to speak positively about or to defend homosexuality in front of minors. 12. Dogs are the only animals who run to their owners when they get scared, other domesticated animals simply run away. 13. If you don’t flush a public toilet after yourself in Singapore and get caught, expect a fine of at least 150 USD, and that’s only if you’re a first-time offender. 14. We use more salt to get ice off our roads (8% of the global salt production) than to eat (6% of the global salt production). 15. 25% of all bottled water (in the US at least) comes from the city tap. 16. Every kind of milk is breast milk. 17. When Vin Diesel was 7, he broke into a theatre with his friends, intending to vandalize it. They

continued on page 38

COUNTRY, BLUEGRASS AND SOUTHERN GOSPEL MUSIC SERVED…

with your host

RAY SARGENT

www.sundaysideup.org September 2018

ray.sargent@shaw.ca | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

We Take Your Clean Concrete for Free Landscape | Construction

604-323-2126 RiversideRecycling.ca

were stopped by a woman who, instead of calling the cops, gave them each a role and 20 USD on condition they come for rehearsals after school. That was the unusual start to Vin’s successful acting career. 18. If you don’t stand up in a Thai cinema when the national anthem is being played, it is considered a criminal offence. 19. If you stretched out all the DNA helixes in the cells of your body — there are about 10 trillion cells on average so you might need a while — you’d get a string 744 million miles long, meaning it would reach to the Moon and back nearly 1500 times — or 4 times to the Sun and back again. 20. The most successful university in the production of billionaires is the University of Pennsylvania — 25 billionaire alumni. 21. Giraffes have the same number of teeth as humans. 22. Quite a few lip balms contain salicylic acid, a substance that causes your lips to peel — which is in turn causing you to go and buy more lip balm. 23. The camel protects his eyes against the everpresent sand with three eyelids.

New Westminster Lions Club September Meetings Monday, Sept 10th, 6:45 pm Monday, Sept 24th, 6:45 pm

“Spend a little time with Lions” “We Serve” Proudly serving our community since 1946

Meet us at Boston Pizza 1045 Columbia St (Tenth St & Columbia) New Westminster

Louisa Lundy 778-791-1633 E: newwestminsterlionsclub@hotmail.com

E P T E M B E R

Letters from New West Lions

I F F L E

Dear Piffle People Now that the dog days of summer have left us parched and panting, I get to tell you about how New West Lions are going to the dogs — Dog Guides that is!

A G A Z I N E

And yet, it costs $25,000 to raise and train each dog, work-ready. This represents raising puppies in foster homes for a year, basic obedience, exposure to a wide variety of people and situational experiences, in addition to veterinary needs. Formal Dog Guide training follows over the course of the next 6 months with a qualified trainer. A match is brokered with a prospective handler, who will spend 4 weeks at the Oakville, ON training facility bonding with their new dog and learning the ropes. Both emerge loyal best friends.

Our Club is proud to support Lions Foundation of Canada Dog Guides, just one of many programs that help Canadians with medical or physical disability. Lions provide trained dog guides to qualified applicants of all ages from coast to coast, cost free, since 1983. Believe me, this is nothing to sniff about. New West Lions make no bones about it, we will jump through hoops to raise dough for dogs. We Dog Guides come in many colours, shapes and will be planning an event this year to suppor t skill sets. Breeds used include L abrador and canine caregivers, so come to a meeting to hear Golden retrievers and poodles (for those with hair more. Lions don’t bite and we can all learn a few shedding allergies). Chihuahuas need not apply. There are six categories of special dogs — vision, new tricks together,while giving disabled folks a hearing ear, seizure response, autism assistance new “leash” on life. and service. This pack of hard working canines give the gifts of mobility, safety and independence. How can you put a price on that? September 2018

Lion Louisa E: louisalion@gmail.com or Post: PO Box 503 Stn. Main, New West V3L 4Y8 T: 778-791-1633

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39 SOLD

217 HAMPTON

NASH CUSTOM HOMES 2-5-10 Warranty in new 6 bed 5 bath home which includes legal 2 bed suite with A ROOFTOP PATIO! This home features: hardy plank, beautiful stonework, patios/decks with a East facing yard, back lane, radiant floor heating, quartz countertops, Professional Chefs kitchen, Gas range, built in oven, Large island, luxury shower, gas fireplace, separate laundry, tandem garage, with AC/Vacuum/Satellite Rough/In, Stainless steel appliances, open den upstairs, the list goes on. This is a very unique floor plan for the area with very little wasted space, must see! Easy access and proximity to highways, shopping and most amenities. Schools: Queen Elizabeth Elementary, Queensborough Middle School and New Westminster Secondary School.

SOLD

234 LAWRENCE

NASH CUSTOM HOMES 2-5-10 Warranty in new 6 bed 5 bath home which includes 2 bed suite with potential for another 1 bed suite. This home features: hardy plank, beautiful stonework, vaulted ceilings, patios/deck with a south facing yard, radiant floor heating, quartz countertops, Wok kitchen, breakfast bar, luxury shower, gas fireplace, wet bar, separate laundry, & a fenced yard. A/C/Vacuum/Satellite Rough/In, stainless steel appliances, quiet dead end street kids can go to park/recreation/ preschool/elementary/middle school without crossing any roads. Close access & proximity to highways, shopping & most amenities. Catchment schools: Queen Elizabeth Elementary, Queensborough Middle School & New Westminster Secondary School.

AVAILABLE

SOLD

1206 EIGHTH PLACE DUPLEX

The Uptown New West Duplex you’ve been waiting for! Remarkable architecture and design by Nash Custom Homes. Built to the highest standard, this luxurious home is perfect for someone looking close to the best amenities that New West has to offer without sacrificing space. 5 Bedrooms, 4 Bathrooms, OVER 2300 square feet of functional living space plus a potential suite. Experience some of the most beautiful finishes in this home that sets the bar for all new homes in the area. Roof Top patio. Quartz counter tops, Kitchen Aid appliances, Kohler fixtures, Artificial turf, finished security camera system 1080p w/2TB hard drive, Wifi thermostats just to name a few of the upgrades. This is a must see! Open House Aug 18 & 19, 2-4pm.

343 CARNEGIE Large 6387 sf, mountain view lot on quiet “Leave it to Beaver” street in the desirable Heights neighbourhood with older 3 bdrm, 1.5 bath, 2246 sf 1947 home. Home has 2 fireplaces, hardwood floors, 8 year old roof, kitchen added onto in 1991, private fenced yard & single carport + workshop. RS1 zoning allows new 3193 sf home with legal suite + 638 sf laneway home or 2874 sf home with legal suite + 950 sf laneway home. Seller will paint & recarpet or refinish floors in hall, LR, DR, & 2 bdrms to buyer’s choice.

PRESENTED BY:

604-644-7653 Let’s Get Ahead Together.

Me and my recliner… we go WAY back.