Piffle Magazine 2018-12 by Sargent's Piffle

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CITY SCENE MAGAZINE

December 2018 Issue #219

Quayside Voices featuring talent from Troy Martell, JPham, Maggie Ma, Alyssa Inouye, and Stephanie Lam, is just one experience to explore in New Westminster this holiday season. Read the full feature on page 14. PHILIP LO PHOTOGRAPHY “Let’s Get Ahead Together”

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Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance.

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#110-888 Carnarvon St, New Westminster

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Holiday Happenings in New Westminster by Judy Frankel �� 14

Sargent’s Math Madness �� 10

A-Maze-In �� 12 Piffle Quiz �� 13 Poet’s Corner with

Janet Kvammen �� 13

Kid’s Corner with Isaiah �� 17 A Christmas Windfall by Evelyn Benson �� 18 Horoscopes by Liza �� 20

Sargent’s Sudoku! �� 21

Puzzle Solutions �� 23 Strata Living by Tony Gioventu �� 24 Piffle Business Directory �� 26

Piffle Quiz Answer �� 30 Letters from New West Lions �� 30

Judy Darcy MLA

A Strong Voice for New Westminster

judydarcy.ca December 2018

judy.darcy.mla@leg.bc.ca

604.775.2101

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NEVER RETIRE Submitted by Ray Sargent

• Old golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.

• Old lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away. • Old accountants don’t retire, they just lose their

HOLIDAY SAFETY TIPS

Winter holidays are a time for families and friends to get together. But that also means a greater risk for fire. Following a few simple tips will ensure a happy and fire-safe holiday season. HOLIDAY DECORATING • Be careful with holiday decorations. Choose decorations that are flame resistant or flame retardant. • Keep lit candles away from decorations and other things that can burn. • Some lights are only for indoor or outdoor use, but not both. • Replace any string of lights with worn or broken cords or loose bulb connections. Read manufacturer’s instructions for number of light strands to connect. • Use clips, not nails, to hang lights so the cords do not get damaged. HOLIDAY ENTERTAINING • Test your smoke alarms and telling guests about your home fire escape plan. • Keep children and pets away from lit candles. • Keep matches and lighters up high in a locked cabinet. • Stay in the kitchen when cooking on the stovetop. • Ask smokers to smoke outside. Remind smokers to keep their smoking materials with them so young children do not touch them. • Provide large, deep ashtrays for smokers. Wet cigarette butts with water before discarding. WINTER HOLIDAY FIRES BY THE NUMBERS • Electrical distribution or lighting equipment was involved in two out of every five (40%) home Christmas tree fires. • More than one-third (37%) of home Christmas tree fires started in the living room, family room, or den. • The top three days for home candle fires were Christmas, New Year’s Day and New Year’s Eve. New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services Fire Prevention Office, 1 East 6th Avenue, New Westminster, BC V3L 4G6

www.newwestcity.ca December 2018

balance.

• Old bank managers don’t retire, they just lose interest. • Old beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.

• Old musicians never retire, they just decompose. • Old farmers never retire, they just go to seed.

• Old watchmakers never retire, they just wind down. • Old academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.

• Old tree surgeons never retire, they just branch out. • Old librarians never retire, they just check out, become overdue and lose their circulation.

• Old mimes never retire, they’re just never heard from again.

• Old crossword puzzlers never retire, they just go across and — we hope — up.

CHRISTMAS Q & A Q: What did Adam say to Eve on December 24th? A: It’s Christmas. Eve.

Q: Who hides in the bakery at Csanta-teahristmas? A: A mince spy.

Q: What’s the most popular Christmas wine? A: “I don’t like Brussels sprouts!”

Q: Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed? A: He had low elf-esteem.

Q: What is the best Christmas present in the world? A: A broken drum, you can’t beat it!

Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? A: Tinsellitis.

Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of

chess bragging about their recent winning streak in a hotel lobby?

A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer! Q: Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar on Christmas Eve?

A: He got 12 months!

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NOSE THAT KNOWS Two snowmen are standing in a field, one says to the other “Can you smell carrots?”

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE… 1. You believe in Father Christmas.

2. You don’t believe in Father Christmas. 3. You become Father Christmas.

4. You look like Father Christmas. CHANGING TECHNOLOGY Submitted by Ray Sargent

We often have day-care groups come to visit our

library for story time. After reading one such group

a story, I gave each of the children a bookmark as a memento of their visit. But one little boy, who was

more used to technological gadgets than old- fashioned tools, wondered how to use his bookmark. So I demonstrated how to place it between two pages,

then closed the book. “When you start reading again, voila!” I said, holding the book as it opened to my

Christmas On The Fraser

pread your holiday cheer and join tours for our Christmas Dinner Cruises. Delicious seasonal meal consists of carved turkey, creamy mashed potatoes, smooth gravy and all the fixings! All meals are freshly prepared on-board by our talented Chef. Drinks are available for purchase from full service bar. Great for staff parties or family gatherings. Call us or check online for dates available and pricing information. Join us on our annual Christmas Carol River Cruise and invite your friends and family for an entertaining evening. Enjoy our covered patio while taking in the festive Fraser River scenery, or relax in our comfortable passenger lounge. Listen to traditional Christmas carol songs, and join in with the singing to the festive music! Delicious food and drinks available for purchase. Spots will fill up fast so call now to pick your date!

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bookmarked page. “Wow!” he said. “That’s cool!” CHRISTMAS QUOTES “ Are you willing to forget what you have done for

other people, and to remember what other people

have done for you… to remember the weakness and loneliness of people who are growing old… Are you

willing to believe that love is the strongest thing in the world… stronger than hate, stronger than evil, stronger than death… Then you can keep Christmas! But

you can never keep it alone.” ~ Henry van Dyke

“ My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or

modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think

Guy Quesnel 604-524-2922 771 6th Street New Westminster, BC Email guyd.quesnel@shaw.ca

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of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do

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“ Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past

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981 Carnarvon St, New Westminster

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December 2018

sue? Missing an is ACY RM A PH L IM PE RIA y rr ca is pleased to sues -is ck ba e th many of year. from the past

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IMPERIAL PHARMACY

HOLIDAY BUSINESS SOCIAL WITH MAYOR AND COUNCIL December 12, 5:00 p.m.–7:00 p.m. City Hall, 511 Royal Ave, New Westminster City of New Westminster Mayor Jonathan X. Coté and City Council invite you to the City of New Westminster’s festive networking evening. Have a chance to mingle and enjoy some holiday cheer at City Hall. Cost:$15 (non-members). Register at: www.newwestchamber.com/event-2797570/Registration

GETTING THE WORD OUT: FAKE NEWS FROM A HUNDRED YEARS AGO October 25, 10:00 a.m.–April 28, 2019, 5:00 p.m. The New Westminster Museum and Archives will open its latest exhibition, Getting the Word Out. The opening reception, at 6:00 p.m. on the third floor of the Anvil Centre, features tours and a no-host bar. The exhibit runs to April 28, 2019.

NWSS WINTER CONCERT NWSS Music presents their Annual Winter Concert featuring bands, jazz bands and string ensemble. December 5, 7:00 p.m.–9:00 p.m., Massey Theatre Tickets $10 at Massey Box Office or www.ticketsnw.ca.

KNOX CHURCH SALE SANTA PARADE 2018 Sunday, December 16, 11:00 a.m., Downtown New Westminster New Westminster will be celebrating the holidays with the annual Santa Parade and we’re inviting non-profit organizations and commercial businesses to participate.

December 8, 10:00 a.m.–2:00 p.m. 403 East Columbia St, New Westminster A variety of vendors including charities benefiting Royal Columbian Hospital. Tea and coffee will be available.

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TALK SHOW HOST HOLIDAY QUOTES “ The Obamas have decorated the White House with 54 Christmas trees. It’s all part of their ‘For the last

time, we’re not Muslim’ campaign.” ~ Conan O’Brien

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Santa for Seniors

For the 10th year in a row, SSS will make the holidays brighter for seniors. Choose an ornament from our trees located at one of our partner merchants: 6th Street London Drugs, Your Dollar Store with More, and Save-On-Foods Sapperton. Please give generously to ensure isolated seniors receive gifts and companionship during the holidays. This can be a difficult time for many low-income seniors, especially those who live alone or have lost spouses and loved ones.

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two weeks away, and today Santa released 10 years

“ Then they start decorating the tree with a beautiful array of Christmas lights and on the very top they

put a tiny little Mayor Bloomberg. In fact, it actually is

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Go the Extra Mile: Volunteer!

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Mayor Bloomberg.” ~ David Letterman

“ Christmas is less than two weeks away. I do most

of my shopping online. But I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I’m doing it

so I get the whole holiday shopping experience.” ~ Jimmy Kimmel “ A new poll revealed that 44 percent of Americans think Santa is a Democrat and 28 percent believe

Meals on Wheels provides seniors with a caring connection to the community and maintains their independence at home by delivering delicious and affordable meals prepared by Starlight Casino. Please call 604-520-6621 for prices and delivery schedule.

Out and About!

of tax returns.” ~ David Letterman

he is a Republican. And the other 28 percent said to please stop bothering me with stupid questions. “ ~ Jimmy Kimmel “ Some people said, ‘Oh, Santa’s a Democrat be-

cause he gives handouts,’ and other people said,

‘He’s a Republican because he’s an old white guy.’’” ~ Jimmy Kimmel “ It’s starting to get Christmassy around here. The fake wreaths are hanging. The lattes at Starbucks are

spiced. The holidays are upon us and won’t get off us.” ~ Jimmy Kimmel

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“ Only 12 shopping days left before Christmas. The big toy this year is the Furby. It’s a toy that came

out in 1998. It’s weird how old junk suddenly be-

comes valuable and you wish you hadn’t thrown

them out — kind of like the way CNN feels about

Larry King right about now.” ~ Craig Ferguson

“ As we get closer to Christmas, these Christmas tree lots try to rip you off because they know

you’re desperate. They know you need a tree. I

was at a lot last night. I went to buy a tree. Needles

sold separately. I couldn’t believe it.” ~ Jay Leno

“ The Rockefeller Center’s Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It’s the

same way they get Chris Christie into his pants.” ~ David Letterman “ Every year Americans spend millions of dollars

on Christmas gifts for their pets, which makes no sense to me. Your pet doesn’t know it’s Christ-

mas. In fact, your pet doesn’t even know it’s a pet, so giving your cat a sweater is about as useful as

giving your microwave a hat.” ~ Jimmy Kimmel

“ A survey found that 66 million Americans haven’t started their holiday shopping. Which means

they only have 14 more days to find out which gas station near their house sells Chili’s gift

cards.” ~ Jimmy Fallon

“ The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This

wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” ~ Jay Leno

MY FIRST HOLIDAY SEASON IN NEW WEST

By Judy Frankel, Executive Director of Tourism New Westminster t often seems like ushering in the New Year, or even in some instances, the start of the new school year is a time for new beginning. But for me, a brand-new beginning took place in mid-October when I accepted the role as Executive Director for Tourism New Westminster. I distinctly remember the first impressions I had when I first visited this lovely city. Immediately, I was struck with how scenic and picturesque it was. But, that wasn’t it. Truthfully, you can use the same words to describe many places in the province. But, after several more trips here, I was able to crystalize what exactly it was that I was feeling — and there was no doubt it was palpable. It was energy, momentum and potential. It was a city on the cusp on something great- evidenced by the construction cranes dotting the landscape, the vibrancy of the local economy and a unique geography that has positioned New Westminster more perfectly than perhaps any other destination in the lower Mainland. When offered the position as Executive Director by the Board of Director of Tourism New West, my decision to accept was an easy one. As I dive into the work that needs to be done, I welcome your comments, suggestions and your photography. My top priority is to tell and re-tell the amazing story of New West — to make sure that every potential visitor knows about what is happening here. As the calendar year ends, I would like to thank the community for embracing me with such open arms. This place already feels like home. My sincerest wish for a happy and safe holiday season.

Happy Holidays! Judy Frankel

BY ROSS HOOD

MATH MADNESS

PUZ ZLE #53

The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.

HINT: SWING 1 2

1 11

9 10 10

1 1

3 6 2 3

2 8

Try to fi ll in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction.

7 4 5

2 4 12

ACROSS

CROSSWORD

3. Yummy cookies just in time for the holidays. If you can catch them.

4. This is a common name used for the display of Jesus being born in the manger. (two words) 6. The Fir is a very popular Christmas tree.

8. This fellow had a corncob pipe. (three words)

10. This holiday celebrates the festival of lights. 13. This happened on 34th Street.

14. This cartoon character has a charming Christmas tree. Even if it’s missing a few branches. (two words)

15. This famous director turned Christmas on its head with his popular stop-motion animated classic.

December 2018

8. This actor played an adorable elf on the big screen.

DOWN 1.

I guess this villain gave back Christmas in the end.

2. This holiday flower originally grew in Mexico.

5. Mischievous parents like to play pranks on their kids with this fun holiday stuffie. (four words) 7.

9. A tradition on the “kettle” started in 1891, in this city by Salvation Army officer Captain Joseph McFee. 11. Seven candles in a kinara symbolize the seven principles of .

On the fifth day of Christmas, my True Love gave this to me. 12. One of Santa’s reindeers. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

MLA’S REPORT

By Judy Darcy am incredibly proud of the work that I get to do every day in Victoria as your MLA and across the province as the Minister of Mental Health and Addictions. But I sure miss being able to spend more time in the community — whether it’s attending community events or just enjoying walks along the Fraser River. When the Legislature isn’t sitting, I do my best to make up for lost time! And I am so grateful to all of you for your support and encouragement — and for making New Westminster the dynamic and caring community it is. I have had the opportunity to take part in some truly special local events in recent weeks. Seniors Day at Century House was a great chance to reconnect with friends, hear from constituents, and have great fun dancing! It was a fantastic way for seniors and all residents to find out about everything our city has to offer as an age-friendly city. Congratulations to Century House on your 60th Anniversary of wonderful service! On Remembrance Day, it was incredibly moving to take part in the ceremonies at the Armoury and City Hall where thousands turned out to pay respects to those who lost their lives in war. Every year I look for-

ward to meeting up with veterans afterwards at the Legion where we also honour those living with visible and invisible wounds. With the rise of hatred and bigotry in many forms, including pro-Nazi propaganda, I paid a special tribute to people in our community and our families — including my own parents — who risked their lives to fight fascism in WW2. I’m excited to be back in New Westminster in December and January. Hope to see you out and about in the community — at local seasonal markets, in the grocery store, and at the Santa Clause Parade. And you are all invited to the annual Christmas Open House hosted by Peter Julian and me! It takes place Saturday, December 8th from 2:00 to 4:00 at Fraser River Middle School. Hope to see you there! Happy Holidays!

FUN Q & A Q: Why did the melon jump in the lake? A: Because she wanted to be a watermelon.

Q: Why did the scuba divers laugh when they got near the coral reef? A: Because they saw a clownfish.

Q: Why didn’t the teddy bear want dessert? A: She was stuffed.

Q: How does the moon cut his hair? A: Eclipse it.

Q: What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? A: Finding half a worm.

Q: What do you call a flower that runs on electricity? A: A power plant.

Q: What do you give a sick lemon? A: Lemon aid.

Q: What do lawyers wear to court? A: Lawsuits.

If you aren’t signed up yet, send an email to Judy.Darcy.MLA@leg.bc.ca to sign up and make sure you don’t miss out on the next newsletter!

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MORE Q & A

PIFFLE’S

Q: How did the egg get up the mountain? A: He scrambled up.

Q: Where do polar bears go to vote?

HOW FAST CAN YOU GET THROUGH?

A: The North Poll.

Q: Why can’t you walk behind a car? A: You’ll get too exhausted.

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying? A: You Rocket!

Q: What did one plate say to the other? A: Dinner’s on me!

Q: Why did the guy the calendar printer get fired? A: He took a day off.

Q: How did the cheese get hurt at school? A: It was grated too hard.

Q: What does a cloud wear under his raincoat? A: Thunderwear.

Q: What kind of tree fits in your hand? A: A palm tree.

Q: Where do hamburgers go dancing? A: A meatball.

Q: Why did the banker lose his job?

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CHRISMUKKAH Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukkah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to “A great miracle happened there,” the message on the dreydl will be the more generic “Miraculous stuff happens.” In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this. A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merg-

continued on page 16

What was the term used for the electric railway car that connected New Westminster and Vancouver until the 1950s? (See the OK Tire ad for the answer)

POET’S CORNER with

JANET KVAMMEN

VICE-PRESIDENT, ROYAL CITY LITERARY ARTS SOCIETY

Magical City © Lozan Yamolky

I enter the city heading west on Columbia Street on a cold December after sunset, I am greeted by a lit up sparkling crown in the center of the street above cars and people in between tall trees. The majestic and historical Royal City — the city of poets is alive, day or night. I walk on Front Street passing by an antique store and a cozy coffee shop teaming with chatty friends gathered to unwind, connect and enjoy a bite, they didn’t have to cook themselves today. Stepping on the snow covered cobblestones, I slow down for a moment to admire the mystical and frosty crosswalk glittering under the streetlamp. The magical city of New Westminster is open and alive. I look ahead and see two lovers sharing a kiss, sitting on a giant porch swing; to my right, the mighty Fraser River and squawking seagulls. What a dreamy place to be. Lozan Yamolky is the author of two poetry books I’m No Hero and Counting Waves through Silver Bow Publishing and in the process of selfpublishing her third book of poetry Dreamers Needed through McNally Robinson. Distinguished Poet Award recipient by Writers International Network Canada in May 2018.

Welcoming New Westminster Poets! Please submit your “New West” poems by emailing Janet at janetkvammen@rclas.com Visit www.rclas.com for all the latest events.

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

HOLIDAY HAPPENINGS By Judy Frankel Executive Director, Tourism New Westminster

IN NEW WESTMINSTER

horter days and longer nights are a hallmark of the month of December. But that’s no reason to hibernate this Holiday season. There are so many fun and holiday themed events for you and your family to take in. Whether you are looking for more sparkle and shine this holiday or just some festive seasonal music to welcome the season, we’ve rounded up a some of the many holiday events happening here. While by no means an exhaustive list, we hope you will find time to experience the holidays here in New Westminster. ALL MONTH LONG Take your picture with Tinny the Tin Soldier. One of New Westminster’s most ubiquitous landmarks, this Guinness Book of World Records landmark is the first stop on any holiday journey to New West. If all that time indoors is getting everyone a bit stir crazy, don’t despair. There are all kinds of fun happenDecember 2018

ing in the City of New Westminster. Check out the schedule for the Canada Pool and more fun family activities. Christmas Dinner Cruise on the Paddlewheeler is another December favourite. Hop on board select dates throughout the month of December to the M.V. Native for a festive tour on the mighty Fraser River. Bedecked with festive lights and décor and holiday music, this 2.5 hour cruise includes a delicious buffet style Roast Turkey dinner with all the trimmings. SPECIFIC DATES Dec 1: Holiday Market at The River Market. Head over to the River Market for the 4th Annual event that will have your holiday shopping taken care of without any fuss. Find your most perfect present at the Holiday Market at River Place and 100 Braid Street Studio. And, only because we live on the West Coast, head over to the Fraser River Discovery Centre for Fishmas in a Winter Wonderland on the same day (Dec 1) from | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

15 10:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. for games, crafts and story times. Rumor has it that Santa will be there too. Dec 8: Perfect for the little ones — head to the Anvil Centre for Holiday Hooray! where holiday performances are sure to delight. The VSO Tiny Tots New Westminster will have you and your youngsters singing and dancing along to frosty favorites. And the music doesn’t stop there. Don’t miss Rock and Soul Christmas at the Massey Theatre December 8th at 7:30 p.m. where is a fun-filled Rock’n’Roll show featuring all the big hits of the featured artists together with a sprinkle of your seasonal holiday favourites. Dec 14: Friday’s on Front Holiday Edition. This popular holiday market is back this year and even bigger with additional outposts at 100 Braid Street Studio in addition to the River Market location. Fridays on Front — Holiday Edition presented by Douglas College and the Downtown New West BIA, happening UNDER the parkade on Front Street (near 4th), Friday December 14th from 4:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. Admission is free. Dec 16: Santa Claus Parade is an annual tradition in New Westminster and for good reason. The season just isn’t quite the same until Jolly Old Saint Nick arrives. The fun starts at 11:00 a.m. on Columbia Street. There will be some family friendly activities at the Anvil Centre including opportunities for kids to write their letters to Santa. The Santa Parade in New Westminster is a community favourite. Be sure to arrive early to get a good spot. The parade, filled with lots of holiday floats, will proceed down Columbia Street. Quayside Christmas at 100 Braid Street promises a fun afternoon where guests will be entertained with a festive concert of holiday and pop favourites. The music begins at 1:30 p.m. on Dec 16th. Admission is by donation; recommended donation is $10 per guest. Dec 22: The Vancouver Cantata Singers Annual Christmas Reprise will be performing for the 16th year at Queens Avenue United Church in New Westminster. Join them for an evening of traditional and contemporary holiday music. If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

er between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of “Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.”

Signs & Printing

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH Submitted by Ray Sargent

• “Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew!” • “I was so enthralled, I never even noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime.” • “I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I’ve been sending to TV preachers.” • “I’ll volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.” • “Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do!” • “I love it when we sing worship songs I’ve never heard before.” • “Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early!” • My friend got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test. The other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

R Z N L S Y P S G S L Y A S B E W H K E

T E E Y L Y T A A N H N N F M T I A W L

A X D I N N A N L S I O F F A A N K A V

December 2018

P N M K E H T D A T W I C Y D L D K N E

S A G S E A T M I F E H K E B O C U Z S

F T E E C T T R L L I L C S H C H N A Q

X R O L L S T A A M O I O L O O I A A G

P D A C I L K L N E T H W P Z H L H H T

J U N R K E G E E S N R B V H C L K S K

S B H V K I Y G L M E O U O K T F B Q L

G C T U V G N O H A I N E D X O R Y V V

D M S Z J H S G T S T M L C O H F O X D

P Y R Q Y R Q H S X S C Y O A L S P N B

W P I G E I D C A R O L I N G E P W O L

F C Z T K D A E R B R E G N I G P H E K

X I N F C E P C R A F E R E E D N I E R

G I O Z O R Q E K B K C G W Y A F T C B

W O S V H S U U Q T C O O K I E S U V Q

B O X I N G D A Y O A D T E I C T V A N

S T N E M A N R O W J G N I V I G C L U

WORD SEARCH NORTH POLE ANGEL ORNAMENTS BOXING DAY PEACE ON EARTH CAROLING PRESENTS CHIMNEY RED KETTLE CHRISTMAS REINDEER COOKIES RUDOLPH ELVES SANTA CLAUS FAMILY SKIING GINGERBREAD SLEIGH RIDE GIVING SNOWFLAKE HANUKKAH STOCKINGS HOCKEY WINDCHILL HOLIDAYS HOT CHOCOLATE WINTER SOLSTICE WREATH JACK FROST KWANZAA

| L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

KID’S

NUMBER BLOCKS

CORNER with

ISAIAH

Do you have a joke you want to share? Submit them at

www.piffle.ca/ contact

Q: How many presents can Santa fit in an empty sack? A: Only one, after that it’s not empty any more! Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? A: Tinselitus!

Q: What do you call an old snowman? A: Water!

Q: What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party? A: Freeze a jolly good fellow! Q: What goes ho-ho whoosh, ho-ho whoosh? A: Santa caught in a revolving door!

Q: What goes “oh, oh, oh”? A: Santa walking backwards!

Q: Why does Santa have three gardens? A: So he can ho ho ho!

Q: What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents? A: Silent Night!

Q: What’s impossible to overtake at Christmas?

A: The three wide men! Q: Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

Try to fi ll in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right.

Open 7 days a week!

A: A mince spy!

Q: How does a snowman lose weight?

A: He waits for the weather to get warmer! Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Frosted flakes!

Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman? A: Can you smell carrot?

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite!

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What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

A CHRISTMAS WINDFALL A

.95

December 2018

By Evelyn Benson fter Don and I bought the old family home at 319 Sixth Avenue in 1965, we set about modernizing the 1920s kitchen. Remembering how my father had put a small air-tight wood stove in the kitchen every winter when I was a kid, we decided to take advantage of the still-standing old brick chimney and install a permanent wood-burning stove in the spacious old kitchen. The whole family piled into our big station wagon and we drove to a fireplace store on Kingsway. After much deliberation, we chose a handsome Franklin stove and enough stovepipe and elbows to connect it to the brick chimney. The two older boys, Mark and Scott, helped Don maneuver the heavy stove from the car to the kitchen where they set it upon a brick hearth we had prepared. The girls, Kim and Janet, and our youngest boy, Jay, carried in the lengths of stovepipe and began to unwrap them from the protective brown paper wrappings. We were all surprised when an envelope fell out of one of the pipes. Don and I assumed it was probably safety instructions from the manufacturer, but Mark picked up the unsealed envelope and yelled, “MONEY!” We were thunderstruck! He dumped the pile of bills onto the kitchen table and began to count the windfall. We couldn’t believe our ears when he finally announced the total. “Seven hundred and fifty dollars!” Where had it come from? The factory? The store? Where? Now, by using Sixties economics calculations, its buying-power today would compare to more than FIVE THOUSAND dollars! Because it was only a few days until Christmas, everyone started mentally up-grading their Christmas Wish List. We were rich! The immediate consensus was that all the kids could have new bikes. Someone suggested that we take a family trip to Disneyland. I began dreaming of a new chesterfield suite. Then cold reality set in. Don said, “I really think we should give this a little more thought. This money belongs to somebody. Don’t you think we should at least TRY to find the owner? What if the money was someone else’s Christmas money and now they won’t have a Christmas?” | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

A long discussion followed. We looked at all the possibilities — pro and con. Finally we took a vote by show of hands. “Who thinks we should find the owner of the money and give it back?” One by one, each child slowly raised a hand. Don and I joined the vote. It was unanimous. I don’t think I was ever prouder of our kids. The next day we returned to the fireplace store. Don casually asked the owner if he had misplaced anything. He looked at us incredulously and blurted out, “The money! You found the money! HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU! That seven hundred and fifty dollars was most of our Christmas ‘take’.” While this was going on, the woman clerk took me aside and told me that she had hidden the cash in a length of pipe so the cash register wouldn’t be too full of cash in case of robbery. “There are some very desperate people at Christmastime. Robberies happen. My boss was so upset that he threatened to fire me unless it was found. He knew I could never replace it. I’m a single mom. You people saved my job. Thank you for your honesty!” Mark (9), Jay (1), Santa, Janet (3), Scott. The owner was amazed by our action. When we explained that we had actually taken a family vote, he swore that any stoves or piping we ever needed would be sold to us AT COST. We took him at his word. Later, we bought what we needed for our summer cottage in Howe Sound. And he kept his word. He even showed us the invoices on what he had paid the wholesalers. In the long run, it was Retired Registered Nurse a good bargain. Every year when Christmas rolls around and the family gatherings start to happen, inevitably someone remembers the story of the Christmas Windfall that fell out of a chimney pipe and repeats it to their kids and now even to their grandkids. Isn’t that what Christmas is all about?

Debby

Donaldson

This story is from Evelyn Benson’s awardwinning book, A CENTURY IN A SMALL TOWN — One Family’s Stories. Both Book 1 & Book 2 are available at Renaissance Books, 712 – 12th St, New Westminster and www.amazon.ca. Watch for more stories in next month’s Piffle.

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Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

For Personality Proﬁles/ Transit Report/Relationship Compatibility visit www.astrologybyliza.com HOROSCOPES by LIZA

DEC 2018

ARIES: Authority figures see you in a good light during this time. If your thinking about that raise, now is the time to ask for it. Favorable aspects in that area. TAURUS: If travel is in your plans, all should go well. Higher education benefits you during this time. However travel always brings fantastic learning experiences. GEMINI: Any love relationship started during this time will have intensifying effects. Think deep and hard before setting the stage for love. CANCER: Business and marital relationships go smoothly during this time. Expressing your aﬀections comes easily in December. LEO: Authority figures and co-workers see you in a good light. This is a good time to start that health regime you have been thinking about. VIRGO: Friends and social gatherings are the name of the game this month. Much entertaining taking place. Love is on the rise. LIBRA: I f t h i n k i n g of d o i n g t h ose h o m e renovations now is a good time. You want to make your home a more cozy place to be. Insight comes through your dreams. SCORPIO: All communications take on a lighter note during this time. Friends and neighbors lend a helping hand. You realize just how much love you have in your life. SAGITTARIUS: Travel is on your mind during this month. Just remember to keep those credit cards in check. You feel like spending and those you love. CAPRICORN: Your looking good this month dear Capricorn and others are attracted to your good nature. Just be sure not to let others take advantage. Love is in the stars. AQUARIUS: Dreams and insights are the theme for this month. Write down some of those dreams as they may come to fruition in the near future. PISCES: Many social activities take up your time in December. This is a good time to make that wish as it just may come true in the New Year. December 2018

JUST SAYIN’… Submitted by Ray Sargent

Sometimes getting out of bed just ruins the whole day. SCHOOL DAZE Submitted by Ray Sargent

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America. Maria: Here it is! Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? Class: Maria. Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? John: You told me to do it without using tables! Teacher: Suzy, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago. Suzy: Me! CHEAP! After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50. “That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30. “That’s still quite a bit,” Tom groused. Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew agitated, “What I mean,” he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.” So the clerk handed him a mirror. MALL WISH The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, “What do you want for Christmas?” “Something for my mother, please.” said the young lady. “Something for your mother? Well, that’s very thoughtful of you,” smiled Santa. “What do you want me to bring her? ” Without blinking she replied, “A son-in-law!” | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

FUN HOLIDAY Q & A Q: What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? A: Santa Clues!

Q: Why is Christmas just like another day at the office? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit! Q: What did the grape say to the peanut butter? A: “‘Tis the season to be jelly!” Q: What is Sherlock’s favorite Christmas song? A: “I’ll be Holmes for Christmas.” Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? A: Fleece Navidad! Q: What kind of money do they use at the North Pole? A: Cold cash! Q: Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor? A: Because he was feeling crummy! Q: What is green, covered with tinsel and goes “ribbet ribbet”? A: A mistle-“toad”!

SUDOKU!

Puzzle 1 (Easy, difficulty rating 0.44)

6 1

9 6

4 3

9 7

4 2

6 5

6 3 5

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on row Tue Decmust 5 23:19:28 2017 GMT. Enjoy! Each column must Each Each block must contain all of the contain all of the contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 numbers 1 through 9 numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers and no two numbers and no two numbers in the same column in the same row of a in the same block of of a Sudoku puzzle Sudoku puzzle can a Sudoku puzzle can can be the same. be the same. be the same.

Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?

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MORE TALK SHOW HOLIDAY QUOTES “ There are a lot of holiday parties coming up at the White House. Obama is getting ready to host the Administration’s first Hanukkah party tomorrow. Kind of an embarrassing moment, though. Today, after they lit the menorah, Biden blew it out and made a wish.” ~ Jimmy Fallon

“ One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400-pound gingerbread house. Isn’t that nice? And if front of that is a 400-pound ginger bread ‘foreclosed’ sign.” ~ Conan O’Brien “ I was thinking about Santa Claus. When you really think about it, this has to be the biggest, most elaborate prank in the history of the world. It’s like we’re all in on a huge joke we’re playing on kids. And eventually they figure it out and they start lying to their kids, too.” ~ Jimmy Kimmel

“ President Obama bought about $200 worth of Christmas presents at Best Buy. Then it got awkward when he asked the Geek Squad if they fix economies.” ~ Jimmy Fallon

“ As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They’re called relatives.” ~ Jay Leno

“ Vice President Joe Biden just mailed his family Christmas card which is signed with his dog Champ’s paw print. The weird thing is, Biden actually does that with all his important documents.” ~ Jimmy Fallon

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Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?

PIFFLE PUZZLE SOLUTIONS PIFFLE’S

NUMBER BLOCKS HOW FAST CAN YOU GET THROUGH?

SUDOKU!

Puzzle 1 (Easy, difficulty rating 0.44)

8 6 1 5 3 2 4 7 9

Each column must contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers in the same column of a Sudoku puzzle can be the same.

5 7 6 8 9 4 1 2 3

1 9 4 3 2 6 5 8 7

2 8 3 7 5 1 9 6 4

Each row must contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers in the same row of a Sudoku puzzle can be the same.

7 5 8 4 1 9 6 3 2

6 1 9 2 8 3 7 4 5

MATH MADNESS

3 2 6

BY ROSS HOOD

PUZ ZLE #53

HINT: SWING

7 5

1 2

1 11

9 10 10

1 1 2

1 1

3 6

2 3

Each block must contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers in the same block of a Sudoku puzzle can be the same.

2 2

7 4

“ Part-time Governor Sarah Palin shot and killed a reindeer on last week’s TV show. And that was her Christmas special. Took her three shots. Well, she’s rusty. Last thing she brought down was John McCain.” ~ David Letterman

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SHORES OF MAUI

“ Nigeria has issued an arrest warrant for Dick Cheney. Good luck serving that this time of year. Cheney’s up in Whoville, stealing Christmas.” ~ Jay Leno

“ In Abu Dhabi, there’s an $11 million Christmas tree. The prime minister of Abu Dhabi said he hoped the tree would be a symbol that Abu Dhabi has a lot more money than us. And that we’re paying far too much for gas.” ~ Jimmy Kimmel

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on Tue Dec 5 23:19:28 2017 GMT. Enjoy!

“ This Christmas season, the post office will handle 10 billion packages. They won’t deliver them, they’ll just handle them.” ~ David Letterman “ A lot of companies had their Christmas parties tonight. A lot of people couldn’t make it because their company is in India.” ~Jay Leno

“ A theater in Chicago is staging a version of Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” where the actors are all Klingons. It honors the true meaning of Christmas, since the audience is full of virgins.” ~ Conan O’Brien “ Sarah Palin is getting into the Christmas spirit. Today, she shot a partridge in a pear tree.” ~ David Letterman

STRATA LIVING

WHAT DOES THE WORD ‘REASONABLE’ MEAN?

By Tony Gioventu, Executive Director, Condominium Home Owners' Association of BC

ear Tony: Our strata uses the standard bylaws in the act and that includes the limit on the number of pets. The pets section sets one of the limitations as a reasonable number of caged mammals. Our strata council thinks this means things like 2 gerbils, hamsters or guinea pigs. We have an owner who has ferrets, and they do sleep in their cages, although they have the free run of the 2 bedroom apartment. We think this person is breeding ferrets because a visitor has told us there are at least 20 animals in the unit and neighbours have complained of an odour in the hallways. At what point does is the strata council required to intervene when someone violates the bylaws, if this is actually a violation? ~ Deanna L. Dear Deanna: The Strata Property Act, the Regulations and the Standard Bylaws use a variety of terms that are ultimately up to the strata council to determine. If you look closely at the Act you will see terms like, “significant change in use or appearance of common property, or significantly unfair action, or reasonable number of caged mammals or fish or unreasonable noise or must not unreasonably withhold permission”. All of these terms require the strata council to investigate the circumstances, gather information and then make informed decisions that apply to bylaw enforcement, the granting of a hardship exemption, or alterations to property. A few tests can be used that may be helpful and it is often easier to analyze a request or complaint by questioning the impact. For example, what is a

George Garrett, Vice-President

reasonable number of caged mammals? Are there any complaints regarding, noise, smell or property damages? Do the number of pets impact the use and enjoyment of a strata lot or common property by any other person? Is there any risk of damages to the strata lot, common property or common assets of the strata corporation? In many strata corporations, the numbers of pets have been clearly identified to provide clearer direction to owners, tenants and occupants, and to make the job of enforcing bylaws easier for council. For example, the standard bylaw limits aquariums to a reasonable number of fish or small aquarium animals, but it does not limit the size or capacity of aquariums. Many strata corporations, because of the risk of water damage limit aquarium size to 20 or 40 liters to limit the risk of property damage in the event of a failure. If in doubt, council should seek professional advice. This publication contains general information only and is not intended as legal advice. Use of this publication is at your own risk. CHOA, the author and related entities will not be liable to you or any other person for any loss or damage arising from, connected with or relating to the use of this publication or any information contained herein by you or any other person. The contents of this publication may not be reproduced, blogged, or distributed in any fashion without the explicit prior consent of the writer.

Direct office phone: 604-515-9683 +Office email: tony@choa.bc.ca Mobile: 604-323-6458

Condominium Home Owners Association of BC

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December 2018

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A CHICKEN GOES TO A LIBRARY A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, “Book book book.” The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, “Book book book.” The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book. The chicken walks out the door. Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, “Book book book!” so quickly it almost sounds like one word. The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up — waiting for another book. This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening. He follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond. In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the the frog, who then says, “Reddit, reddit.” I’LL HOLD HIM A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off — go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.” GIVEN MUCH THOUGHT Submitted by Ray Sargent

Over the years, I have engaged in considerable deep thought about (among other things): Our place in the universe, ancient civilizations, human migrations, international conflicts, local and world economics, ozone depletion, the human genome, cloning, pollution, racism, local and world politics, population growth, extinctions, natural disasters, the environment, health care, Facebook, human relations, the space-time continuum and other aspects of relativity, and other factors that affect mankind’s struggle to exist. After all of that deep thought, I have arrived at this definite conclusion: When all is said and done, in spite of or because of what we may or may not do or think, it is just as likely as not that, for better or for worse, everything will turn out one way or another, sooner or later.

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GET TO HEAVEN Submitted by Ray Sargent

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday school class. “NO!” the children all answered. “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?” Again, the answer was, “NO!” “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again. Again, they all answered, “NO!” “Well,” I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?” A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be DEAD!” NOT SO FAST Submitted by Ray Sargent

A pastor watched a televised church service and was impressed by how everyone would turn around to greet and shake hands with other worshipers seated near them. The pastor felt that his church was a bit stuffy and could use a bit of friendliness. So, at

Sunday morning worship he announced that next week they would initiate this custom of greeting one another. At the close of this same worship service one man turned around to the lady behind him and said a cheerful, “Good morning!” She looked back at him with shock at his boldness and said indignantly, “I beg your pardon! That friendliness business doesn’t start until next Sunday!” THE WELL-PLANNED LIFE Submitted by Ray Sargent

Two elderly women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well-planned life?” “Yes,” said her friend who had been widowed several times. “My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I’m married to an undertaker.” Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?” “One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

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Q: What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh? A: Father Christmas in a revolving door. Q: What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? A: Neighbours! Q: What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? A: The elf-abet! Q: What is Santa’s favourite pizza? A: One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even. Q: Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? A: Because they were two deer. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party? A: He had no body to go with.

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ray.sargent@shaw.ca | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

Community AUTO SALES

Jason

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New Westminster Lions Club

December Meetings

Monday, Dec 10th, 6:45 pm

604-517-1230

“Spend a little time with Lions”

oktirenw@shaw.ca

WE HAVE MOVED! WE ARE NOW AT 641 LOUGHEED HWY

E C E M B E R

Letters from New West Lions

Meet us at Boston Pizza 1045 Columbia St (Tenth St & Columbia) New Westminster

Louisa Lundy 778-791-1633

BC Interurban Tram

“We Serve” Proudly serving our community since 1946

E: newwestminsterlionsclub@hotmail.com

I F F L E

A G A Z I N E

need in the Royal City. If you are wondrous Susan McLeod portrays Lion reading between the lines, this is activity in poetic pentameter. Former December finds New Westminster Lions one of those unlikely love letters. We just Mayor Way ne Wright ’s door swif tly cheer fully occupied with the happy have to admire folks who see that life is swings open to service organizations. chore of “making a list and checking it good and do their best to persuade others Rotarian Nick Cheng extends a hand to all hopeful helpers. James Crosty and twice”. Headlining the forementioned of this simple fact. Thank you Chris. Paul Thompson, treasured promoters list is that of publisher Chris Sargent, Others on this growing, glowing list of the Royal City, gleefully contribute jovial hometown spirit to whom Lions transform the twelve days of Christmas their talents to Lions campaign chaos. owe a great debt of gratitude. It is our into 365. Robynn Randell of Quayside There are so many other kindred spirits fondest wish that Chris finds his way Residents Assoc. turns her front yard whose names light up the darkness of home for Christmas after a protracted into a storefront for Lions at the Quayside December. Those names are inscribed period of treatment at Royal Columbian Boardwalk Sale each August. Blair Stasiuk on the marquee of Lion member’s hearts. Hospital. Regrettably, having a heart of of Pacific Pawnbrokers loans our Club gold does not guarantee its function. a show stopping giant, copper-plated, We all need to do the best we can, with Chris, I think, sees Piffle as an antidote parade worthy Lion annually. Restaurateur what we have, wherever we are, for the to the culture of shock controversy and E r i c M i s s o u r i o f A n g e l i n a ’s i s o u r benefit of others. This is the message cynicism we frequently find in print and designated community spirited guardian of Christmas. The good will remains as electronic media. Its quirky, comic format angel. Glen Bailey of NW firefighters long as good men, women and children has a small town flavour and generously Charitable Assoc. welcomes New West continue to believe in it. gives voice to many bit players in the L i o n s t a i l g a t i n g Lion Louisa E: louisalion@gmail.com big picture, including New West Lions. their tree chipping or Post: PO Box 503 Stn. Main, Without it, we might not be able to reach a n d S h r e d - A New West V3L 4Y8 T: 778-791-1633 out to you for support in serving those in Thon events. The Dear Piffle People,

December 2018

| L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

HOME OF THE MONTH

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