43, 1

The Plumber’s

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presents ...

Plumber’s P

t

VOL. 43 NO. 1 • MONDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2008

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E NGINEERS W ITHOUT B ITCHES

ENGINEER BATTLES WORLD HUNGER HEAD ON

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LOTS OF YELLING AT FILL THE STADIUM

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PROFESSOR ON THE LOOSE JAMES MCDUFF EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Professor Jeremy Cooperstock is tenured and out of his cage. Cheating has repeatedly occurred in his classes and he is pissed at how his students benefit from it most of the time. This ECE professor has had enough of administrators interfering with his students’ grades.

The Problem: Cheaters in his class complain to the administration that he’s insane and are absolved of cheating and given even higher grades. It’s unclear as to why this is happening; once a student is accused of cheating, the professor is cut completely out of the loop. In some cases, the administration gives higher grades because of a student’s parents’ threats to cut funding to the university, and in others the administrators just want to get rid of persistent students.

The Solution: A proposal to formalize a new procedure whereby a student gets 0 if caught cheating, and can appeal to have a 3rd party who actually knows something about the material and is removed from any

ENGINEERING COLD BEERS AT HOMECOMING conflicts of interest. Under his system, the issue must be resolved quickly so that passing the course isn’t in question and pre-requisites for next semester are satisfied. His long term solution is to have all administrators above the level of Academic Dean fired for their corruption. See degradingmcgill.ca for details.

The administration of Emperor Monroe-Blum and Darth Mendelson has tried to silence Cooperstock and his rebels to blow the issue over with threats, intercepting his e-mail and ransacking his office computer without consent. Fortunately for him, because he’s tenured, they don’t have shit on him and he can kick and scream as loud as he wants, even taking it to CBC Radio and Montreal Newspapers continued on N–9...

John you’ve been on the go ever since you were born and I imagine few people

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EUS EVENTS & NEWS LISTINGS October 8: EUS Movie Night (McConnell Common Room) October 10: Blues Pub (McConnell Common Room) October 13: Thanksgiving!

October 15: EUS Movie Night (McConnell Common Room) October 17: Blues Pub and Homecoming Begins October 20: Our 1st anniversary!

October 22: EUS Movie Night October 24: Blues Pub

PLUMBER’S MASTHEAD EDITOR-IN-CHIEF JAMES MCDUFF NO.2 DRUNKUS MAXIMUS SEX EDITOR THE GIRL SPORTS EDITOR MR. BROOM LAYOUT EDITOR SIMON SAYS PHOTOGRAPHERS SHUTTERBUG STAFF WRITERS FRATGUY SEXTRON MOLSONITE TWO DOLLAR CHOW MEIN CONTRIBUTORS DRUNK OF THE YEAR SOLID GOLD TICKER TAPE RAMBLING MAN

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR This is our first issue of the year, so we don’t have any letters to print. You can send us anything you like though, hatemail, scientific corrections, suggestions, death threats or even e-cards. Go nuts. Ψ email: letters@faucet.mcgilleus.ca

P.O.T. EDITORIAL When I was told that I was going to be the editor of The Faucet at the begining of the year, I accepted the task without hesitation, being too drunk to really understand what was going on around me. Not ever having even written an article for a newspaper before, I started to worry that I wouldn’t be able to pull it off.

But my worries quickly disappeared when I saw the turnout at the first meeting. Experienced or not, all the editors and writers for the Faucet have enthusiastically helped out with this baby, and this first issue would not have happened without all of them.

The same thing is happening across the EUS. Last year wasn’t great because very few people got involved and the whole operation was run by a small group with only so many ideas and so much energy.

This year is already different.

There’s a completely new sea of faces at Blues Pub, and lots of people getting involved in committees that have never so before. This year’s executive is doing its job well, having already run many successful events.

This is momentum that needs to be kept up for all of us to have a richer university experience. This is a pretty sweet issue, but we all need to keep going and put in the effort if the next one’s going to be even better.

I was voted councilor of the year last year for essentially being a shit disturber. Sometimes I would argue against motions that I agreed with just because there were points that needed

to be made but nobody cared enough to bring them up. I started ranting on the council e-mail link about it. Council didn’t want to hear it because council didn’t really want to do much last year and most people study for exams. I know that the people want to know about shit though.

Undoubtedly, the best place to strir up some shit is a toilet bowl. The Faucet is and has always been a satyrical magazine, especially when it was the Plumber’s Pot. The Pot was infamous.

Anyone having graduated from McGill during our parents’ generation would know the name.

But we’re going to keep our shit disturbing inside the Pot, and try not to spray it around everywhere with the Faucet. We’re not going to start flinging it all over the walls or melting Snicker’s bars and calling it shit. Ok the metaphor’s gone far enough, there’s only so much shit I can handle.

We’re aiming high this year; we’re going for real news. It may not be as great as the original, but we’ll get there eventually. Nothing in these pages will be as fictional as anything the Faucet has printed in the past. Where we lie, it will be blatant.

We want to be the award-winning publication that the Pot was before being banned by McGill for going overboard, but we need to keep up the momentum, and we can’t do it alone.

If anything in these pages inspires you to write up something you find funny about Engineering at McGill, write us an article! If not, then enjoy our pages! Ψ

in the world today have travelled as much as you have. Now why? Well I dunno.

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NEWS

I’VE DONE MORE TO ERADICATE WORLD HUNGER THAN YOU DRUNK OF THE YEAR FREELANCE World hunger is an issue facing millions of people and everyone loves to say they have done something against it so they can feel good about themselves.

For most, this has been limited to giving money or non-perishable food items to charitable organizations. The problem with this is that, unknown to the general public, these organizations (except EWB) are accumulating these goods in a large bunker in foresight of a global nuclear strike. John Doe’s honourable effort is consequently useless. I, on the other hand, took matters into my own hands This epiphany started during this year’s Grand Prix week-end. I was stumbling coming home from a bar with friends when an executive decision to get 2$ chow-mein was taken (for those of you that don’t know what 2$ chowmein is, it is a small plate of Asian noodles with peanut butter sauce sold on the corner of Saint-Laurent and Des Pins. I am pretty sure sucking on an 18wheeler’s exhaust pipe is better for your health than eating it, it kept me going right through Frosh). Now, I assure

you I rarely get 2$ chow-mein, as most times I wake up the next morning sitting on my couch, still holding a spring roll and with most of the noodles down my shirt. But that night, in the state of mind I was in, everything could have been a good idea. So I get the chowmein (for 2.50$, proving that absolutely everything goes up in price Grand Prix weekend) and start walking away with my friends and newly acquired feast And then the homeless man came He was asking for change, but the first thing you should know about me is that I don’t give money to homeless people, my reasoning being that firstly I have no idea what they’ll by with it, and secondly because I give money at church and thirdly because I have no money. Surprisingly, my first thought was that this man was probably hungry: “Me not give money, man want food, me have food.” I decided to perform a small personal sacrifice. I plunged the fork into the noodles until all of them were either on the instrument or dangling from it and offered them to the poor man. His eyes shone like two lighthouses a sailor is ardently searching for during a storm. His mouth opened into a deep chasm and he tried

... continued from N–11 Corruption in the administration is unacceptable, and like many other aspects of McGill, it’s not how well you learn the material but how well you work the system which determines the grades you get. If this proposal goes anywhere, it’ll make it a lot harder to cheat and get away with it. But if you cheat your way through engineering, how is your degree any better than Concordia’s?

Cooperstock presented his case at both ECSESS and EUS council meetings and received support from both. The EUS will be passing around a petition for students to sign to support an eventual Senate question on the issue.

Will you be a rebel, or a loyal storm trooper? Ψ engulfing the whole thing, but it could not all fit in. Some noodles were stuck to his grey beard. They were joined by others which fell out of his mouth through his missing teeth as he tried to chew. He grunted in pure satisfaction and they detached themselves from his facial hair, attracted to the ground by the Earth’s gravitational pull.

The second thing you should know about me is that I hate wasting food.

The 10 seconds rule is only a guideline to me. With incredible reflexes I managed to catch the lost noodles into the plate. Without hesitation, I grabbed them with my fork and had a bite. The fork stopped 3/16in from my mouth when frat boys yelled (in slow mo): “Don’t eat that, it’s been in a hobo’s mouth.” It seemed they had been watching, but were not willing to see how far the circus would go.

Regaining some lucidity, I decided that while giving food to people may be good, sharing it the way birds and their offspring do was probably not a good idea. The homeless man got all the chow-mein.

The frat boys, inspired by my act, decided to buy chow-mein too and went looking for homeless people to feed. Not only did I feed a man with my own hands, but I inspired other people to do the same. I bet you can’t beat that. Who knows how many lives I have saved? Ψ

I suppose some of us are cave dwellers, some of us live in houses, some of us

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ERTW - Engineers Rule The World QUEEN’S Gorges Dam project, even missing the MCDUFF HOMECUMMING JAMES completion ceremonies. His Scientific EDITOR-IN-CHIEF FRATGUY FREELANCE

My Saturday began like most did- hung over at 4 in the afternoon, a week behind in my quantum vector physics, and in dire need of water to replenish that which I lost the night before. But at this moment I did not realize that this Saturday would end unlike any other Saturday. As I walked out of my room, my roommates all introduced the idea of us doing a lastminute road trip to Guelph Ontario to go to the Queen’s homecoming. At first, realizing my dire condition, hung over and way behind in class, I said no, but after a little convincing(5 minutes of being told about the obscene amount of alcohol and partyage), I was convinced, so off we went to homecoming!

The ride there was quite eventful.

[Ed. Some events have been ommitted, contact him for the full story] My friends and I engineered a cooling system for the two kegs we brought in the back of the c=van by making pipelines of solo cups that went from the AC vent to bags surrounding the kegs. By the time we made it, it felt as though we had let the kegs in a deep freezer.

We then immediately tapped the kegs and began drinking. Within 30 seconds one of our friends was given a ticket from an undercover cop for drinking in public. Oh well-it wasn’t me; I kept going. By the time we made it to the middle of the outdoor party there was an obscene number of police- one every 5 feet for 4 blocks ready to baton any idiot who wanted to make a move (trust me there were plenty of those by the end of the night). I never saw so many girls trying to kill each other and guys throwing bottles on the street (glass broke literally twice a minute the whole night). By the end of the night we brought our kegs to a house party and the keg stands/chugging began. I ended up passing out in a chair and slipping out of it onto the middle of the kitchen floor when I was picked up and dragged into the c=van. By the next morning the streets were covered in broken glass, puke and spilled beer. All in all it was one of the best parties ever. Ψ

Engineers control everything important in the Western world, but the ranks of politically active engineers have been notably sparse, which is why our politics are such a joke. Engineers have carved out a much larger slice of the political pie in other regions of the world. This week, we look at the President of China, Hu Jintao.

Hu Jintao graduated from Tsinghua University in Beijing with a degree in hydraulic engineering.

Despite his rise to power beginning in hydro, he has distanced himself from the Three

Development Perspective aims to redistribute the prosperity generated by his predecessor’s economic policies and create social harmony, and China has increasingly invested in Africa under Hu Jintao, so China has no need of an EWB chapter.

Under his presidency, restrictions and punishment have further increased in China, particularly on the internet.

International pressure leading up to the Olympics in Beijing this summer have only served to increase the crack-downs, proving conclusively that engineers don’t take shit from nobody. Ψ

In 2006 Jintao started a hard hat sideways fad, which has since died away. He still thinks it’s cool.

like to be loose footed. I’m a ramblin’ man. I’m a ramblin’ man. sliced pinapples of

Condom Machine Taken From McConnell!!!

MR. BROOM SPORTS EDITOR In an apparent attempt to reduce wastefulness on campus the condoms machine next to the Engineering common room was removed prior to the start of the school year. Citing a decrease in usage of the machine over the last decade, the administration made the decision based on concerns raised as to whether the condoms in the machine had passed their expiry date. As opposed to replacing the condoms with fresh ones the machine was simply removed. Naturally, it was the concern of some that this portrayed a definite belief among the administration that the machine was of no use to engineers.

A senior member of the McGill maintenance staff was quoted as saying that " it was not the goal of the staff to demean or call in question the male engineers sexual prowess, but merely to remove a service that was not being used frequently enough to warrant its continual existence".

This seems to be a vast oversight, just because the ratio of guys to girls at blues pub has never dipped below 4:1 doesn't mean engineering men have no uses for condoms. For example condoms have been shown to made excellent water balloons and their elastic properties perform well under considerable loads.

They could be used in a variety of projects and schemes. It is obvious from this act that the administration believes that male engineers would never be in need of a quick source of condoms while in McConnell Engineering.

People do hook up at Blues Pub (so I'm told) and it is therefore plausible that the machine might be needed sometime in the future.This seemingly benign act is merely a symptom of a larger problem, engineers are viewed by many to be math-loving celibate nerds.

The world need to know that in between differential equations and system analysis, engineers like to do some good old fashion fornication. Everyone should start getting down and dirty all across the engineering buildings and let it be known that engineers will not go down easy (unless someone goes down

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on them first)! There should be ass marks on the EUS copiers, stains in the elevators, violations of the health code the café and fuzzy pink handcuffs left in the EUS office.

It's really the only appropriate response. Ψ

ENGINEER OF THE MONTH MOLSONITE STAFF WRITER

Thomas P. Crapper

Sanitary Engineer, 1836-1910 Fitting for the launch of the Plumber's Pot, the first featured famous engineer is the marvellous man of modernity, the savoir of social sanitation, Thomas P(ee) Crapper.

Yorkshire born, Crapper began his shitting career shortly after birth and was never known to have retired. Unsatisfied with his work conditions, he took an apprenticeship in London and soon founded his own sidecompany, Thomas Crapper & Co, as a master plumber. Knowing that the boorish proletariat could not master the delicacies of taking a Victorian-style dump, Crapper made it his life work to improve and proliferate indoor plumbing. Engineering triumphs yet again. Unfortunately, the toilet, or if you prefer the badass Victorian name, the 'Silent Valveless Waste Water Preventer', was not actually invented by Mr. Crapper.

But the guy who invented it doesn't have a funny name, so no one cares. Crapper did hold nine patents, all plumbing related. He received a Royal Warrant in the 1880s when Prince Edward decided that chamber pots were not the best way to retain superiority over the peasants. To end the feature, a little etymology: the word 'crap' is not actually derived from Thomas Crapper's name, but comes from much earlier old and middle English, German, and French words which generally meant garbage, waste, dregs, etc..

The use of 'crapper' as a synonym for toilet likely began in the 1st world war where a large number of facilities were boldly stamped with Crapper & Co. Ψ

course... I have come to the conclusion that pot has three meanings. is a word

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Sports

FILL THE STADIUM MUCH BETTER WHEN FACING AWAY FROM SCOREBOARD MR. BROOM SPORTS EDITOR

Honestly I don’t see why everybody is complaining about McGill’s Football team. Sure they can’t run the ball or stop the other teams from running it, and I’m pretty sure they don’t even have a field goal kicker, but does that really matter? It sure didn’t seem to matter to the fans that showed up to McGill’s First Annual (can you say that?) Fill the Stadium Event, which managed to populate one side of the stadium with enough people that it almost, kinda, sorta, looked full, and then left the entire east side for Bishops fans. Who came out in surprisingly large numbers from whatever backwards ass small town Bishops is in, to watch their team beat the hell out of a McGill team that is seeing the possibility of another 0-8 season becoming a little too likely.

This is presumably because there is absolutely nothing to do where they come from then watch/play football on a Friday night. But (wo)man can they

play; my breakdown of what actually happened on the field goes like this, McGill would run with the ball, Bishops would hit them, McGill would then drop the ball and Bishops would pick it up, then Bishops would run and McGill would run after until Bishops ran into the end zone for a touchdown. This process would repeat over and over again (run, hit, drop, pick-up, run, run after, score) with some variations, for pretty much the whole game. Expect for the time when the Bishops running back HURDULED a McGill DB. His feet literally were directly above the tackler’s helmet. It was one of the most badass things in sport I have ever seen, such and epic shamming that I considered my five buck well spent right there. In fact, once I stopped caring about the score I began to have a much better time.

For starters, it’s football, basically big people who could easily beat the crap out of you, decide to beat the crap out of each other instead, who doesn’t want to see that? That was a rhetorical question but I’ll answer it anyway,

Nobody. I also found that if you pick one guy on the opposing team and get everyone around you to heckle only him for the entire game, hilarity ensues, especially when you get creative with your insults. I was also lucky enough to be sitting surrounded by regular folk, (i.e. people that don’t just use the game as a pre-drink with a sport theme).

Being a screaming idiot is much more enjoyable when some old person is there to give you a dirty look every time you call a guy a pussy for running out of bounds, and if innocent kids are within ear-shot, all the better. Finally there were cheerleaders, 300 of them at half time, they were in no respect the caliber of NCAA squads but they were still cheerleaders and that always goes down in the win column.

The whole football game experience comes down to two points of view, if you came and actually cared about the score you would leave, soul crushed and maybe even questioning some decisions you made earlier in your life.

If you went to get drunk, heckle the opposing team, yell at the ref for every call that went against you and cheer like we just won the Stanley Cup the few time the Redmen did something good then you would have left at the end of the game much more satisfied with McGill football in general, or at least with a good buzz going. I wouldn’t know though, I left at half.

The writer still does not know where Bishops is, nor does he care to, comments can be sent to mrbroom@faucet.mcgilleus.ca Ψ

I’d rather be a Redman than a fucking Purple Gaiter, I’d rather be a genius than a fucking loser sk8er I’d rather run 100k than be a social aider So fuck you Purple Gaiters A friendly chant heard sung on the McGill side.

with meaning thrice. That is to say that the word has three definintions.

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ENGINEERING ATHLETE DRUNKUS MAXIMUS PROFILE NO. 2

Name: John

Kline Major: Materials Engineering Sport: Varsity Sailing

Bio: John is an active member of the community. He’s involved with the Plumber’s Philharmonic Orchestra’s charity events (PPO). Last year as Dirty Side of The Moon, he led the PPO as chief. He is a famous for mooning Leacock 137 during initiation. He has turned his life around and become a varsity sailor.

The Faucet: So John, you had a busy year last year being PPO Chief and raising thousands of dollars for charity, what made you decide to be an athlete?

John: I’ve been sailing for 16 years.

Something I always wanted to do I suppose. I have a few friends on the sailing team so why not!

F: What kind of boat do you sink?

J: I sink 420s and on occasion TECHs. F: Do you smoke weed in your 420s?

J: No I do not. (Frankly put) F: Does anyone smoke weed in the 420s?

J: I’m sure somebody does somewhere but probably only 1 day out of the year and usually the water’s frozen.

F: Stupid question on my part. What is your fitness routine?

J: We practice four days a week during the sailing season, which really depends on the weather.

F: I mean, you don’t do any bench press?

J: We don’t hit the gym so much, it’s

physical enough doing what we do in the water. Once we cant sail anymore we take theory courses and we hit the gym.

F: So how much do you bench?

J: Right now? I don’t know, I haven’t benched in a while... Ummm... I don’t know like 95 pounds. That’s pretty wussy eh?

F: That’s less than me. Tell me about your partner, I mean your sailing partner.

J: Mike broke his wrist. Unfortunately, he wont be able to sail until he’s got full use of his wrist (Poor Mike). It makes me sad being his partner and whatnot so I’m looking for a partner.

F: On that note, are you single and what does a McGill Varsity Sailor look for in his women?

J: Yes I am and I look for someone whose caring, fun to party with, who loves her seaman [laughs both of us].

Who doesn’t care so much about the

WE LIT THE NIGHT!

SOLID GOLD FREELANCE

The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Light the Night event on Saturday, September 27th, 2008, was a huge success! Light the Night is a 5km walk to honor those who have been touched by leukemia and lymphoma.

After March's Shave to Save event we had $2,000 to start off our fundraising and by the end we had raised $3,575!

There was music and food to get everyone ready and rearing to for the walk. There

size of the boat but the motion of the ocean. [laughter] F: So, you’re just a big teddy bear. Do you actually believe in love?

J: Yes F: Really?

J: Yes F: Do you dream of becoming a pirate?

J: All the time! We’re actually starting the McGill privateering club. We meet in the secret cave beneath the statue of James McGill.

F: Are you fucking kidding me?

J: Yes F: Any last words, any encouragement, anything at all for the public.

J: The McGill sailing team is always looking for donations. We receive $500 for a team of 36 people. We spend close $10000 per semester so we need your love! Ψ Donation info can be found at mcgillsailing.org/donation.html were free corndogs and ice cream, as well as a bounce castle and clowns on stilts. Unfortunately one of the clowns decided not to wear a bra in the brisk weather.

The night was a family filled event with children and adults of every age.

There was a very touching kilometer of silence to remember all those who have passed due to blood cancer. The event went through 4,000 balloons, and it was a fun and meaningful event with balloons lighting up the night sky with hope and love for all those affected by leukemia and lymphoma. Ψ

The first is a container for storage, cooking or dumping excrement. The

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SIGUR RÓS (AKA ICELANDIC BULLSHIT)

ARTS BULLSHIT

BOHEMIA (AKA EVERYONE HAS AIDS BULLSHIT) JAME MCDUFF EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

SEPTEMBER 28 — On the surface there is little of interest to the typical engineer in this RENT spinoff. Everyone in this musical has AIDS, does heroin or is homeless, and they all hate the SI units for time, measuring in “love” instead.

The villain, into construction and introducing technology to New York, is the closest thing to an engineer in the play. Fortunately, the characters make up for their lameness by being very well played, and they’re all going to die anyway. Director Diana Studenberg was definitely into her

role, doing a sexy dance up on a table and shedding real tears, and Vincenzo Joel did a great job arguing with his friend and resenting his ex-girlfriend, who gave the audience a half-second lesbian kiss and a glimpse of her thong.

Miriam Bitton got some of the loudest laughs out of the audience with her bumbling clumsiness as the villain’s sidekick.

Some of the harmonies between singers made me wish I had never had musical training, but some of them made me shiver they were so good, too. Despite underfunding and a last-minute deserter in the cast, Bohemia was some very good bullshit.

Don’t miss the next one! Ψ

SEPTEMBER 20 — Jonsi Birgisson didn’t exactly get the crowd moving for this Old Port show, but there was definitely some swaying and foottapping. He brought a lot of energy to what is more ambient and low-key music, getting the crowd to sing along to his impossibly high voice (does he still have balls?), and provide the beat along with the opener, who came out like a marching band laden with drums. Of course, nobody had a clue what they were talking about, because they don’t even sing in their similarly gibberish Icelandic; they’ve got their own made-up language. Fashion seems to have been thrown out the window in Iceland, because the lead singer looked like he was anime and the drummer wore what looked like a Burger King crown, but the light show was cool, with a big camera that magnified their crazy foreignness.

The lead singer plays guitar with a bow, which makes for some interesting effects and massive fucking standing waves; however, the out-of-controlvolume solos were well counterbalanced with melodic percussive quartets and haunting refrains. $45 was too much, but it was fun! Ψ

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second is a sum of bets you collect in Poker. The third is a term used to

BAR REVIEW: MANAGEMENT 4 À 7 BULLSHIT DRUNKUS MAXIMUS NO. 2 Going to Bronfman on a Thursday afternoon with the intention of drinking is not a good idea for engineers. Do this too often and you might fail out of school. You wouldn’t know it, but inside the well-funded (thank you beer smuggling), pristinely kept, homogeneous environment that is Bronfman, there is a place to get fucking hammered on $1 beers.

I met up with my roommate’s sister to get a woman’s opinion on the joint.

Maddy was to be my not-so-faithful woman friend for the afternoon. We arrived at around 4:30PM and it felt like we were entering a spaceship. To get into 4 to 7, you need to enter these enormous sliding glass doors, manned by another obsolete McGill Security Guard.

Inside the spaceship was a plentiful group of management folk, who really are from another world. First off, they don’t have class on Friday. Not even tutorials.

Secondly, their major is basically a Bachelor’s in Ass Kissing and Fashion.

The theme was hockey, and the servers were mostly decked out in jerseys (only one in Habs colours. Booo!) I bought us drinks (Boreal, obviously) for $1.25 ($1.00 with cup) since I didn’t have a cup, and we were off!

The thing is when you’re at Management 4 to 7, you sort of want to drink because you feel like an alien; virtually everyone there is done their week and you’re not on the same page.

The price certainly doesn’t stop you.

Needless to say, as the event went on, we got more and more smashed.

4 to 7 is actually great fun. I started off by playing some NHL09 (Microsoft was promoting XBOX 360) against my

These girls were having a great time until our writer told them TO wouldn’t make the playoffs. To make up for it they got smashed.

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We server-trained this management dude because he poured like a pussy.

Now he can add the double-pour to his CV

Obama-obsessed friend, Irish, with a beer in hand. After beating him 1-0 (tough game), Maddy and I, both single (email me for her number [Ed. - don’t you fucking e-mail him]), went to check out some management folk. I’m sorry management guys but Maddy was not impressed.

Your fine dress might work for some but she could truthfully say that none of you really shot out at her. I think the word she used was “sterile.” However, my experience was slightly different and I got into a bearable conversation with a nice Swiss girl, who grabbed my ass upon her leaving (I thought the Swiss were conservative).

When last call came, we had averaged 6 beers each, costing us less than $7. Like Blues Pub, it really is a great deal. As far as beer quality goes, Blues Pub does 1000 times better at keeping their beer cold. Maybe 2 out of 6 of the ones I had were well iced but when you’re drinking this much for that price does it really matter? Ψ

refer to the marijuanabud that, when dried, can be used for recreational

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The Hard Times How Does Your Tool Compare?

How big is your bit?

Find Your Penis R-Score!

7.0 cm

10.0 cm

11.5 cm

THE GIRL SEX EDITOR

Ever wanted to compare your junk with other men’s but you were too shy to whip it out? Ever wondered how your little man compared in bed with other dudes’? Here is your chance! Simply cut out the circles on the left hand side of the page and place your erect penis through the appropriate hole to find your girth (g). For a more accurate number, use a Vernier to find your average diameter (take 3 readings!) and multiply by π.

Align your schlong with the ruler to the left to find your length. The length must be taken from the stomach to the tip of your head. If you take it from the balls to attempt to obtain a longer length (l), you’re just cheating yourself. Apply the formula below, and see how your rate! Ψ

You are either a prepubescent boy, or should seriously consider a sex change. Your penis is small.

0.1 to 5.9 Your penis falls in the average man size. However, if your penis is less than 13 cm, then you are playing the odds, you are short and fat, find a girl to match.

(-0.1) to (-1.9) Congratulations, you have a large penis. You’re going to want to flaunt that at the next Blue Pub.

Less than (-2) *If you obtain a score of zero, please chose a length slightly above or below 15 cm

13.5cm

ewb: engineers without bitches

Personal Ads

16.5 cm

6 and above

M4W — Ready to have babies seeking blond republican, preferably extremely waspy. She must not excersize, love Brett Favre, and must get drunk off one beer, for I am cheap.

She must also share my love for felatio in public places and classical music. email: ewb1@faucet.mcgilleus.ca

Age old questions of length vs. girth. You are long and skinny, find a girl to match your description.

W4M — “My ideal man hates cooking, cleaning, mowing the lawn and general household labour. He must understand that those are tasks reserved for me.

He must love watching television and receiving oral. He isn’t physically attractive at all, and must be planning on growing a pot belly within the next few years, assuming he doesn’t have one already. I don’t mind if he sleeps all day, but he must be willing to have threesomes with me and my girlfriends at least once a week.” If you fit this bill, marry me. email: ewb@faucet.mcgilleus.ca

To have your personal appear in Engineers Without Bitches email ewb@faucet.mcgilleus.ca You will remain anonymous

pleasure within the confines of one’s home. There is one more meaning

N–1

Do Androids Sleep With Electrical Sheep?

Teledildonics: an up and coming industry

Looking for that special gift for your mate?

Philips’ new sex toy pleasures up to 4 people!

SEXTRON STAFF WRITER I joined the engineering faculty because I want to be an inventor when I grow up. I want to be the cool guy with a pony-tail, serenely sipping a cup of coffee and talking about my inventions to anyone who will listen. Slowly, I’ve realized achieving my goal is harder than I thought. Why? I don’t watch enough porn.

The growth of many of the consumer electronics we use today is credited to the porn industry: DVD players, high-speed internet, HD, probably even those amazing 3D glasses I used to wear as a kid. The single guy in the apartment down the hall doesn’t have that HD TV purely for watching action films. The desire for better porn has made our world a more immersive place. Although dirty phone calls to my girlfriend in Oslo are great, actually being able to do the things I say from across the world remains an object of fantasy. Well, almost.

Since the 1980’s ‘teledildonics’ have been the joke of the porn industry because of their fake feeling. Now, with more research in areas such as haptics, high-definition content and high-speed internet, sex in virtual realities is quickly

becoming a thing of the present. In fact, McGill has many research projects that could contribute to developing the ultimate teledildonic device. The CIRMMT (Centre for Interdisciplinary Research in Music Media and Technology) has an immersive systems research project which focuses on the “real-time transmission over the internet of high-definition multimodal content for interactive, musical shared reality situations”. Imagine that. Oslo girl can now be piped to me on a five screen matrix in all her blonde glory.

Since it is a multimodal system, we could attach sensors or other devices to transmit data about her movements from 5500 km away, in real time!

The CIRMMT is also working on a 3D spatial audio system. So you will soon be able to hear everyone in that 15 person orgy in Japan exactly the way the lucky guy holding the camera does. The haptics group at the Centre for Intelligent Machines on the fourth floor of McConnell is developing a number of systems that allow you to ‘touch’ a picture on the computer screen. Now all of Oslo’s finest curves will be mine to feel (again). Further overseas, the University of Tokyo has just announced a haptic interface which uses ultrasound. They can create

virtual ‘objects’ in the air using the pressure differences that sound waves produce. I’m envisaging placing one of these over my bed when they become available and have Oslo girl sleep next to me once more.

So things are looking good for me if she decides that she is going to stay in Oslo. But teledildonics aren’t only interesting for those of us who can’t get any in the flesh. Product design in engineering is a lot about usability from a consumer point of view. ‘Alternative’ uses of products, often not publicly talked about, is important for many people.

How many of you guys with iPhones haven’t dreamed about watching Silvia Saint while waiting for the bus? Large companies have started jumping on the sex-tech bandwagon – Phillips has just released a sex toy dubbed the ‘intimate massager’. In the future, more and more companies will probably do the same, diversifying their product lines, or even creating new features in the products they already have. I’m thinking a remote connection to the vibrator in your cell phone? Public displays of affection will be a thing of the past!

Our social interactions have already changed so much by technologies such as social networking, and mobile telephony.

Will the next breed of teledildonics and immersive environments change the way we interact sexually? Ψ

Sex Links Philips Intimate Massager: http://tinyurl.com/46kj5b Slashdong: http://www.slashdong.org Regina Lynn: http://www.reginalynn.com/

for pot that makes it even (fuck mom! I’m trying to write something here)

N =12

SPORE

NHL 2009

TWO DOLLAR CHOW MEIN STAFF WRITER

TWO DOLLAR CHOW MEIN STAFF WRITER

Spore is EA’s latest attempt at cashing in on the casual market. They did this especially well with the Sims franchise, and now we got the true successor to the Sims with Spore. This time, instead of controlling a bunch of Sims around, you’re rebuilding the universe from a single cell. Spore may be geared towards the casuals, but it really does achieve its goal brilliantly. The graphic art style is beautiful and unique. The level of customization and content is through the roof, and gamers with any sense of creativity will be in heaven with the creature creator.

Although the more hardcore gamers will be put off by the game’s simplistic gameplay, those who love the sense of control and life of games like the Sims and Black and White will have a great time. Just beware if you’re buying the game that it has extremely strict DRM protection which limits the number of times you can install the game.

Bottom Line: Probably the best casual game of 2008.

NHL 09 is yet another hockey game. There are way too many of these. Like all hockey games, half of the game revolves around luck and the goalie AI. Most of the “skill” really just comes down to exploiting AI glitches. Hockey fans should still enjoy it though. The skill stick that involves using the right analog to control the puck are the best hockey game controls ever. There are some new moves that weren’t in NHL 08, and it seems a bit more precise than before. NHL 09 also features some brilliant modes like being able to play a custom character from the beginning of his rookie career to pro. You can also play a full 6v6 online with each player controlling a single guy. Very cool.

Bottom Line: If you like NHL, this is the best one yet. If you don’t, this is yet another hockey game for the bargain bin next year.

Want to advertise with the Plumber’s Faucet? Contact us at advertising@faucet.mcgilleus.ca

User-created SPORE creatures. The Faucet’s writers enjoy putting boobies on our creatures that spit acid.

Quote of the Week:

In Numericals Class, Prof Humphries is proving Squeeze Theorem: Prof. Humphries: ...and it goes on to squeeze psi.

Loud Asian Kid: SQUEEZE THEOREM! Prof. Humphries: [Looks at him funny. Pause] Thus the bloody obvious theorem.

more worthy for consumption, of course The Plumer’s Pot.