The Black Friday Issue by The Plumber's Faucet

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FAUCET Vol. 31 no. 6 • December 4th, 2014

The BLACK FRIDAY Issue

2 the plumber’s FAUCET the plumber’s Masthead Rebecca Black Faraz Oman Mean Bosses David Bailey Faraz Oman Malcolm McClintock Black Friday Fanatics Arman Izadi Daniel Galef David Bailey Emmet Austin Frederick Chagnon Liam Duff-Meadwell Luis Pombo The Children Niloofar Khoshsiyar Jenny Kim (Cover) Matt Wolf Disclaimer

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca. Complaints

The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@ mcgilleus.ca. the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 31 no. 6 Wednesday, December 4th, 2014 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

Letter from the Editor: Exams are approaching and the common cold is upon us, hitting everyone one by one. Not a good combination - especially when that exam you really need to pass happens to be the first day of exams, and your throat is starting to get sore. Hoy tuve una presentación de español y fue un desastre. Estoy seguro que ustedes también tienen una presentación o proyecto después de tu primero examen, así digo Buena suerte. Sorry for the Spanish but for those who can understand it please don’t judge, I’ve just started. In other news, the PPO recently hosted Santa Clause in the McConnell lobby and raised $277.98 for Dans la Rue. They also raised over $400 at a recent Blues Pub for Movember, with the incentive of people having their head shaved if a certain mark was reached. In addition, they raised $2,337.35 in part of a loonie line for the Cancer Society of Canada. That totals to over $3,000 raised by the Plumbers Philharmonic Orchestra (I think in just the month of November), which is a great accomplishment and they should be applauded for that. So after the dreaded exams pass, holidays are upon us. Finally a chance catch up with movies, which don’t feature so prominently in student life. I remember doing this last year, watching Hunger Games and The Hobbit, and I plan to do that again. Maybe for some it may mean catching up on Korra, or for others beating the new Pokémon that just came out. There’s also a Spongebob Squarepants movie coming, and House of Cards has announced its released date for the end of February. Others are waiting for next December to watch Star Wars, with its recently released teaser. There are many shows and movies to watch so use your break well. Or you can just watch them all while procrastinating exam studying. To conclude this letter to all those who read this, good luck with exams, enjoy your holidays (yes I said it!) and watch out for the Faucet in January! We may have a new look! May the force be with you!

-Faraz Oman

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Santa Visits McGillEUS by Cuddly Bear the Great

TO DO LIST

Reindeer Radioactive nose for Rudolph Time/Space manipulating device for fast travel Fuzzy warm white and red suede suit Presents pocket to portal dimension behind sleigh

The most famous modern Saint is ready to go ladies and gentlemen. Although there is one destination on his mind as he heaves his giant belly into the sleigh. There is a specific faculty on a particular campus in one city that he is most excited to visit every year. With three ho’s and the crack….. of his whip, he’s off! Flying into the cool night air of Christmas Eve, Santa prepares his device to slow down time and allow fluid movement through the fabric of spacetime. He’s delivering all night, making sure all the good children get the newest Windows Phone they asked for, while the grown adults get their dreams and wishes fulfilled. He travels far and wide, spreading all sorts of cheer, but in the end, Santa always makes sure to save the last stop for the bustling city of Montreal. He flies over the mountain, down McHill, over Wong/Trott, dropping delicately wrapped presents in

chimneys and teleporting them into offices. Santa finally lands at the Y, steps out of his sled and activates its cloaking device. Now he sets off to McConnell in search of his favorite drinking buddies. Because who can keep up with the big man in red better than the McGill Engineers? To all the MECH engineers: a brand new workshop of equipment, filled to the brim with 24-packs. With a spark in his eye, Santa fixes electrical engineers DPM marks to A. He blesses Civil with good health, and an even higher tolerance of beer. Materials engineers each receive a mug…. that’s what materials engineers like, right? Chem doesn’t need jack-shit. Santa dons mining engineers with samosas. Not one or two, but 100 boxes, in the hopes they can drop in Plumber’s Pockets again, and sell a shit-ton like they did at their previous Blues Pub. For Architecture Santa divines a blessed idea: “No Blacklight Blues Pub Next year!” After all his work is done, Santa sets his eyes on the Shatner building: off to Gerts he goes. As he flies through the twinkling city lights, a faint, deep voice is heard: “To all a Merry Christmas! And to all a good night!”

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Pavlov’s God by Daniel Galef

Here on the small island of Pahvlo, we celebrate logic, reason, and scientific thinking, as we have since Pehavi’or created the land a thousand years ago. Every winter, we make a sacrifice to Him to ensure that the days will grow longer and warmer again and the fields will sustain a crop. Being logical, reasonable, and scientifically-minded, the High Priest Kontish’oneeng proposed an experiment to determine whether the sacrifices could be done away with altogether. The first critic of this plan was the peasant Kohn’trol, who blasphemously suggested that the sacrifice might not be necessary in the first place and that the best way to find out would be just to stop. Naturally, this was deemed far too dangerous, and Kohn’trol was put to death in the great volcano Grand Prohppo’osall. To go about beginning the great experiment, it was determined that Pehavi’or’s association with the desired outcome (the return of summer) must be systematically transferred from the original stimulus (the annual human sacrifice of a dozen and a half virgins) to an introduced one (the chief

suggested ringing a bell, but it was decided that probably couldn’t be heard in the heavens, so lots of fire and lots of noise was chosen instead: the high priest volunteered that maybe a lot of bells could be accompaniment to appease the chief). This was met with general approval, and that year, on the longest night, candles and bonfires were lit all around the island, and the sounds of bells and singing could be heard from anywhere on land or in the sky. The sacrifice went on as usual, though at least a dozen and a half people (obviously not very intelligent) proposed that we test the theory already. Thus, for the next several years, the new customs and rituals coexisted comfortably with the old, proven ways. After twelve years of singing and dancing around a bonfire on the longest night of the year, the sacrifice was tentatively reduced to fifteen virgins. Summer came as normal, and no one could wait for the next solstice. That year, the number was lowered again to twelve, with no observed change in annual weather patterns. Finally, after two decades of devout and devoted empirical experimentation, the winter sacrifice to Pehavi’or stood at three virgins and a youth of questionable morals. And still the days again became longer and the terraced fields grew. After one-quarter of a century, with three chiefs having come and gone by assassination and the high priest no longer able to recall why we started, we finally, and with bated breath, ceased the sacrifice altogether. That winter, we were sure to increase the revels; we sang and danced for twelve straight nights, and the bonfires burned down two huts and half of the drum-maker’s hair. Everyone waited for the winds to change, hoping against hope and praying to Skih’inah that the sun wouldn’t be swallowed by the sea forever and all living things perish. For almost a month the waters were watched with rapt attention, and the old men started at every rumble from the mountain. Finally, it became apparent that the experiment had been a success — summer rolled in and every village on the island rejoiced. There was dancing in the streets and coloured lanterns set alight the netmaker’s shack by the bay. That was when we noticed that the days kept getting longer after the midsummer

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festival. The manioc delivered a record crop, and the days were balmy enough that working men halted in their labours and declared an additional feast day, and there was singing and dancing and lantern-boats were set adrift, carrying questions and prayers to the sea-gods. But the days kept getting longer, and the sun kept getting hotter, the more the people danced and lit fires. The manioc died in the earth, and was soon followed by the melons and the palm trees. By now the people had stopped celebrating, but it was too late: the cycle had been initiated, and the stimuli were out of our control. It was so hot and so dry that wildfires became common, and wails of agony could be heard in the market-place. The more noise and fire, the more brutally hot Pehavi’or made the winds; the more scalding and scorching the atmosphere became, the more fires and the more screaming

people. There seems no solution. I write these in the hope that it may be found and read as an artifact of our hubris and subsequent destruction, at least before the leaves I am writing on succumb to the climate and are burnt to a crisp. I am, was the high priest’s assistant; I suppose I am the new priest, as he was killed when the Small Fern Cluster Village burned down last week, though priest of what, I’m not quite sure. If you are reading this, take note and try not to apply classical conditioning to omnipotent sky-fathers.

Feeba’ak Luup

Assistant to the High Priest of Pehavi’or

I Guana Ask You a Question by I Guana Lay Más Pipeline

“I am a first year at Solin and the Annex is closed. I heard it is where the parties are held. What do I do?” -Confused Solin Froshie As a former Annex resident, I can guarantee that the Annex is the single most quiet place at McGill, even more than the Molson Stadium during Homecoming or Schulich sixth during E-Week. Either your sources are clearly mistaken, or they take you for a fool. Both scenarios are equally as sad, so I will give you one piece of advice: get out of Solin and make the trek to Upper Rez. There’s a reason why one of their buildings is named after a certain brand of poor quality beer that is somehow a staple of Canadian culture. “Hi Iguana, despite lowering my standards and increasing my radius to 100km, I have been unable to get a single match on Tinder. What do you recommend me to do?” -McLovin Tinder is obviously for superficial people, so you have two options to improve your success rate:

Either tap into the not-so-superficial market of online dating sites such as eHarmony, or play the superficial values of Tinder to your advantage by withdrawing cash from the bank and posing with it. You may be unattractive, but the money will make you less unattractive. (This technique will not work with people with an asshole radar). “Iguana, with the winter coming and temperatures reaching sub-zero levels, the time for ice-skating will soon arrive. I’ve never done it before, where do you recommend I get ice skates?” -A not so Canadian Canadian Have you been living under a rock the last year? Iguanas are physically unable to ice-skate! How dare you rub this in my face through sheer ignorance? You will be hearing from my attorney very soon.

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Logic Bar by Daniel Galef ONE FINE EVENING AT THE SIGN OF THE WOLF, GOAT, AND CABBAGE PUBLIC HOUSE (an epilogue/expansion/elaboration on an old joke) Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do you all want drinks?” The first logician pauses and says “I don’t know.” The second, following this, similarly professes his ignorance. Finally, the third logician says “Yes, we do.” Following this, the three order their drinks. The first orders a tumbler of Captain DeMorgan, and when the bartender asks if he wants it on the rocks or straight, replies “Yes.” The second requests watered wine, which the barkeep deftly mixes up with a pair of cups, and the third chooses a fuzzy navel and spends the rest of the evening trying to defuzzify it using adaptive integration. They then head over to the corner to rack up a game of Boole, while the bartender wipes down the counter with a multicolored handkerchief,

then busies himself trying to turn all the glasses on a turntable upsidedown. As the first logician lines up the Q ball, the radio starts to play Nicki Minaj’s “Ana Con.” A chorus of boos is heard, and the channel is switched to Perry Como singing “Iff.” Slowly, more people drift into the bar as the evening winds on. They are local characters and eccentrics: knights and knaves, a masked man, the town barber (who is himself always scruffy and unshaven), a party of missionaries and cannibals accompanied by their jealous wives, a number of people wearing variously coloured hats, and a college-age couple bickering about a raccoon coat. These parties mingle and converge into an immense group of people that includes all of the groups of people that don’t contain that group. At one point the bartenter is put briefly on tenderhooks as he serves a table of four, some of which are underage. Later, a rowdy group comes in, proclaiming they are on a citywide pubcrawl and have incited so much property damage and inflicted so many brawls that they have determined themselves never to cross their own path. The bartender throws them out, but snickers because he knows one of the bridges across the river is closed for repairs. The tension is relieved when a phlegmatic Englishman comes in smoking Old Gold cigarettes and with his pet gastropod in hand (a brief but amusing misunderstanding ensues when he asks “Do you serve snails?”) and orders a glass of milk, to a tremendous roar of laughter. When Boole and even pilliards

get boring, the logicians pull out some of the board games under the table, but are disappointed. The chessboard is missing two squares, and the knights have been replaced with knaves from a deck of cards. The second ventures into the back room to see if there’s any gambling tonight, and returns shortly, reporting that everyone in there is playing Russian roulette. In fact, it is empty, but he doesn’t want to get roped into a poker game. The tapster cautions him. “Careful. I see someone gets hurt in here every day.” “Well, I sure wouldn’t want to be him.” “Do you want another round?” “I do and I don’t.” “Heck, then I guess anything’s possible.” The third logician asks the second if he knows what time it is. He replies, “Certainly.” Having spent a pleasurable duration, they get up to leave. Suddenly, René Descartes walks in, sullen and hungover, no doubt having been before the whores. The outlaw’s mug is plastered on half a dozen wanted posters in this saloon alone, offering in majuscule letters a bounty on Descartes “dead xor alive. Cash reward: choice of two envelopes. Present coördinates unknown.” His revolver is at his side (he is known as an eminent duelist), and the player piano stops as he moseys through the swinging doors. As he shuffles up to the bar, the skinker asks, “Want a drink?” Descartes replies, “I think not.” And then he stays right where he is, because a sentence stating conditional implication does not necessarily entail its own inverse and it is logically fallacious to deny the antecedent.

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I Guana be a Football Hipster

by I Guana Lay Más Pipeline Football. Fútbol. Calcio. Fußball. Futebol. Not Soccer. The beautiful game™, the most widely watched/played sport in the world. Very little is known about it here in North America, but worry not. I have taken the time to ensure that you know ten facts that you can throw in casual conversation and make it look like you are a n ot - s o c c e r connoisseur: 1. The best two players in football history are neither Pele nor Maradona. These two products of the capitalist football industrial complex have nothing on Johan Cruijff or Mágico Gonzalez. Cruijff was so good he was winning a World Cup and then decided not to. Magico is the ultimate bro and even snubbed Barcelona to remain in Cadiz and party. 2. The Premier League, the Bundesliga, La Liga, Serie A, Ligue 1 are all shite. Leave those to the halfwits of Sky Sports and r/soccer. The next Johan Cruijff is a 19-year-old currently playing for one of Vitesse, Heerenveen, or Zwolle. Alternatively, the

Icelandic Úrvalsdeild, where Fylkir, a vastly underperforming side is preparing for European domination with their revolutionary adaptation of the false-9.

8. Pirlo is God. Have you seen the guy?

3. That (insert player who has never played in the UK) lad may be good, but can he do it on a cold, rainy Tuesday night in Stoke? 4. Whenever a big team spends a large sum of money to sign a player, they are everything that is wrong with modern football. Whenever your team spends a large sum of money to sign a player, that’s just business. 5. Paul Scholes was a genius who was sorely underrated in his day. Only the world’s media, Sir Alex Ferguson, and the entire Barcelona team recognised his hidden genius and rightfully rated him. Under no circumstances bring up the fact that he couldn’t grasp the concept of defence, was as violent as Pepe, and was kind of boring sometimes. 6. Cristiano Ronaldo is the ultimate player for FIFA. 7. Lionel Messi is the ultimate player for actual football.

9. The six minutes it took Liverpool to go from 3-0 down to 3-3 in the 2005 Champions League Final are the finest in the sport’s history. Fact. 10. The nine minutes it took Liverpool to go from 3-0 up to 3-3 in the 2014 capitulation of the English Premier League are the darkest in the sport’s history. Fact.

No nos gusta

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Friday - Parody by Lorenzo von Matterhorn Two AM, waking up in the morning Gotta get in line, gotta save money Gotta get a Blu-ray, gotta get a TV Favourite time of year, everything is goin’ Some incredible savings, everybody’s rushin’ Gotta get in line first Gotta be early, I need me some deals Trampling on a kid’s face Trampling on an adult’s face Gotta make my mind up Which face should I mace? Black Friday, Friday Trample each other Friday Everybody’s looking forward to the savings, savings Friday, Friday Stampeding on a Friday Everybody’s looking forward to some savings Consuming, consuming (YEAH) Consuming, consuming (YEAH) Dough, dough, dough, dough We don’t even save that much money 4:45, I’m waiting in line Some guy cut in front, I sliced his throat Fun, fun, this is fun You know what it is I got this, you won’t get shit The tickle-me-Elmo is mine I got this, you won’t get shit Now you know it Fighting for a phone case Embarrassing the human race Gotta make my mind up Por que no los dos? Black Friday, Friday Trample each other Friday Everybody’s looking forward to the savings, savings Friday, Friday Stampeding on a Friday Everybody’s looking forward to some savings

‘Murica, ‘Murica (YEAH) ‘Murica, ‘Murica (YEAH) Why, why, why, why Do you reinforce your own stereotypes? Yesterday was turkey (turkey) Today it’s Black Friday (Friday) We we we so excited We so excited We gonna kill each other today Tomorrow is Saturday And remorse comes after … wards But who gives a shit about that? Yo, random rap verse That doesn’t even rhyme or have a beat Seriously listen to the song He’s the worst rapper in history How can I even parody this? Why beat a dead horse? Cause beating anything is wrong I’ll never do it Except that woman on Black Friday Bitch took the last iPad Black Friday, Friday Trample each other Friday Everybody’s looking forward to the savings, savings Friday, Friday Beating down on Friday Everybody’s looking forward to some savings Save money, save money (YEAH) Save money, save money (YEAH) Buy, buy, buy, buy Useless shit we’ll never use again

Adapted from lyrics graciously provided by Rebecca Black

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Contraceptive Review by Sinbad the Saladtosser

Globally renowned for their robustness and reliability in bed (much like the engineers who use them), Faucet Condoms are a staple of the faculty’s pride in promiscuity. But how do these condoms fare in comparison to other carnal classes of contraception championed by engineers? After rigourous testing and only some crying, I’ve come - to tell you the results. Method One: The Pill Heralded as a miraculous advance in modern medicine, the pill works quite simply: Magic! Embedded with a magical aura cast by witches, the pill works by killing everything manly that may enter a women’s body. Which brings me to my second point: The pill is sexist. You see, unlike Faucet Condoms which can be acquired from Liquid Giggles by any sex or gender, the pill requires a prescription from a real doctor. However, after consulting with some confused and slightly concerned medical professionals , I was told that no, I couldn’t have a prescription to the pill since I didn’t possess the organs it affected, and that I should leave the building before they had to called security. Unbelievable, that in this day and age we still restrict who can have access to modern medicine based on their sex! And to think, McGill news outlets like The Daily, that champion social justice and inequality, have let this issue slide under the radar for so long. But nay! I was undeterred still. Since I had the fortune of studying in Barbados, North American drug restrictions did not hamper me from scoring some local pills to try. After crushing and snorting them (the suggested method from the kind man who sold them to me on the street) I gave them a full

test run with a consenting participant. Results: The after taste was little too metallic for my liking, and the lady was really unimpressed when I told her afterwards I hadn’t used a condom since I was on “The Pill”. Mid-coital hallucinations were also pretty distracting. Final rating: 5/10 - would use a Faucet Condom instead. Method Two: The Ring Another modern method, this functions in a similar manner to the pill, but endows its semen-slaughtering properties to a ring-shaped form instead. So think Halo, but in a vagina (feel free to make that a mod for the game, Bungee). Right off the bat, I had a bad feeling about this method. I mean, a ring is just a condom that had the center cut out. Incidentally, this was the ring I ended up using since I’d blown my budget for this article on those pills mentioned above. I simply crushed another one of those pills, sprinkled it onto the ring, and presto, sex engineering at its finest. This time I decided to be upfront about the method of contraception I was using since that bit me in the ass (literally and figuratively) the last time I forgot to mention it. It seems if you tell a girl you’ve got a ring

10 the plumber’s FAUCET for her though, she either says she’s not committed enough, or begins telling me what she thinks we should name our kids (which is weird, cause we’re using contraception?). Finally, a willing, non-crazy participant realized I was popping something else besides the question, and I was able to test out my home-made ring.

and reached for the gun in his pocket. Luckily, he only had one bullet for some reason and missed by a mile, allowing me to safely escape with my pants still around my ankles.

Results: Within 5 seconds, the ring came off and was lost to the nether regions of my mate. And while they say sharing is caring, I have to say I think the post-coital hallucinations hit her a lot harder than me this time, and broke up the intercourse pretty quickly. Also, I’ve heard stories when using the ring that you have to record yourself doing it and share it with a friend within 7 days, or else a crazy girl tries to jump you for unprotected sex in a well. Too much risk, not enough reward.

Results: While the pulling out part wasn’t able to be tested, I did pray in that moment that he’d miss me, and it worked. But guns in sex seem like a niche fetish to me, so I’ll stick to sheathing my sword.

Final rating: 4/10 - would recommend a Faucet Condom. Method Three: Pull & Pray Since the invention of intercourse itself, the engineer has always looked to the simplest, most cost-effective solution. And like a kid accused of taking cookies from the cookie jar, I turned to the “If you didn’t catch me in the act, it wasn’t me” line of reasoning for the next method. Pull & pray works in a simple but effective one-two combination. Step one: pull out (you can yell “I’m pulling out” for added effect). Step two: Pray. Bam, easy as Russian Roulette with only slightly worse life implications. However, pitching the idea to your partner is a little bit harder. After a staggeringly low success rate of 0% when mentioning I’d be testing this method of contraception, I decided to change it up and use the name I’d inadvertently given it earlier: Russian Roulette. This unfortunately lowered my success ratio to -14.6%, which I’d previously thought impossible. I was also coming down off my trip from the pills by this point so I decided to go back to the man on street to see if he had any more. He was slightly more receptive to my invitation to play Russian Roulette after popping a couple more pills with me, so I figured a good contraceptive should be able work on guys as well as girls. As soon as I pulled down my pants to engage though, he tripped out

Final rating: 5/10 - Would use a Faucet Condom. Method Four: Sterilization No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no fuck no. Results: I don’t want to talk about it okay….. Final rating: 6/10 - would use a Faucet Condom instead. Conclusion The Faucet Condom clearly stands proudly above all other forms of modern contraception I was willing to try before I got tired and just wanted to cuddle. So remember fellow engineers, when you’re about to get funky with another lover; don’t be silly, wrap that willy.* *Other variations include:

Don’t be daft, wrap that shaft Don’t be odd, cover that rod Cover your stump before you hump Don’t be a prick, cover your dick When in doubt, shroud your spout Wrap it before you tap it Cloak the joker before you poke her

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by Matt Wolf

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The Faucet’s Guide to Becoming an Adult by Liquid Giggles Graduation is in the near future for you? My condolences. Things are going to be a lot different than university. If you are going to survive the next 60-80 years of your life, you better get informed. Fortunately, the Faucet has prepared the definitive guide to your what your friendships, relationships, work life, and home life will look like as an adult.

Home Life: Time to get reacquainted with free time. I don’t mean that stuff that you do when you are procrastinating your homework away. I’m talking about time where you can do literally anything without guilt. Like sitting in a chair for 30 hours playing a video game. At first you will feel that this is not fulfilling enough as a long-term habit, but after you unsuccessfully try to learn a language or drop some pounds, the lazy routine will be all the more effective at taking control of your life. At best, you might pick up a hobby, like making model train sets, and at times you will feel some guilt about your slow social and love-life, but expect to be spending a lot of time on the couch or in a chair. It’s not that simple of course. Some people will become workaholics, and will replace their depressing home life with their race to kiss some ass so that they can make more money which they don’t have time to spend. For those in relationships, they will inevitably have kids and spend the next 20 years babysitting little psychopaths until they are mature enough to be able to hold a reasonable conversation.

Work Life: This depends a lot on the type of job you get. For most, work is just work. It’s that place you go for 40 hours a week, doing just enough stuff so that you won’t be on the chopping block when layoffs come. You will be moving very slowly from being the inexperienced guy working on spreadsheets to the experienced guy working on spreadsheets. You’ll make some money, but it will get eaten up by mortgage, taxes, and insur-

ance. Oh well, c’est la vie. That’s a standard job, but if you are lucky, you might get one of those jobs that the company claims will help you advance rapidly along your career path. You will work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week (except only 10 hours on Sunday), and may or may not make the cut to get to the next level. When you do, you will be making the big bucks, but will still be expected to put in the same hours. If this will be you, you might as well stop reading this guide, because there isn’t much more to life than that for you.

Friendships: Some old friends from university may be in town, and you should hang on to them jealously, because everywhere else is a friendship wasteland. You might pick up some friends at work, but most of your coworkers will be sunken-eyed middle-agers who have

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long given up on expanding their social circle. There are two main ways to cope.

back for some serious advice again in a few years (or decades) time.

First off, you can join a club. The best way to increase your social circle is to look for some sort of organized social group to join, because as an engineer, you love structure. When people can unite to work towards a common interest, they are willing to overlook their social incompatibilities until they start to grow on one another. Kind of like how a lot of academic and extracurricular friendships work. So find something to do! You could hang around friends still in school for a few years until they graduate, but after that you are going to need to join a charity, a church, a political party, or a stamp-collecting club or something.

Now, if you’re starting out single, you’re in for a rough ride. If you couldn’t find “the one” in a university setting, where you are constantly surrounded by thousands of young, attractive, intelligent, mostly-single, like-minded students, how do you think you’ll find him or her in the real world? Seriously, run the math. Your chances of meeting someone in that club you joined are probably less than your chances were of meeting someone in COMP 208.

Your second coping strategy should be to get used to a looser definition of friendship. You have less work, but your physical distance in the suburban landscape, the early mornings, and the physical deterioration that comes with old age will mean that meaningful social interactions will be limited to 1-4 times per month. An additional exacerbating factor is that social outings will be so rare that you put more prep and planning into them, thereby making them more tiring to organize, creating a feedback loop that further reduces the number of social outings. Friends will no longer be people you see every day, get drunk with three times per week, and occasionally hook up with. They will be people who consent to meet you outside of work at least once per quarter.

Relationships: Oh, people aren’t going to be happy when I talk about this one, because for many of you it may hit too close to home. If you are in a committed relationship and if your relationship survives the mid-April to mid-May breakup season, you are set. You will have a partner to share the burden of adulthood with, you won’t feel so bad about the lack of friendships, and you won’t have to experience the adult dating market. Unless of course your relationship only survived breakup season because you were both too afraid to face the inevitable. In that case, you’re going to want to come

Now, you could try online dating. The main problem with online dating is that you will be matched with the sort of person who tries online dating. It’s a shame really, because as an engineer, you will find something appealing about mathematical algorithms removing the major burdens of the mating ritual. It’s not like the modern dating ritual is natural anyway – pretty sure medieval peasants weren’t bumping into soul mates in coffee shops and bringing them out bowling. So hopefully the online dating stigma fades, and not just amongst pragmatically-minded but sexually-unbalanced engineers. I guess Tinder is a step in the right direction? Now, there is a glimmer of hope. As you get older and more desperate, so will potential mates. If by the time you reach 40 you have a stable income, have your body in reasonably fit shape, and are not too eccentric, then you will be the hottest bachelor(ette) on the block. Keeping the motivation to take care of your body and maintain basic dating skills through decades of isolation isn’t exactly easy though. At least your degree should be able to secure the income criteria. Just try not to think of that university relationship that didn’t make it through break-up season. <-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-> And there you have it, adult life beckons. Think of all those adults you know who have fallen into the patterns we have discussed. You have always wished to be like them, right? Much better than the anarchy of your lifestyle here at McGill. Are you motivated to study for your exams yet?

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15 Ways to be the Perfect Roommate by O.G. Portillo

So by now, you’ve lived with your roommate(s) for a few months already, and in all probability there has already been some major drama. This whole mess could have been avoided had you followed these 15 easy steps to be the perfect roommate. 1) Don’t wash your dishes Instead, stack them up in the sink. Your roommate will understand that you trust him or her with this important task. It’s how you build trust in your relationship. 2) Always pay your bills at the last minute This is to show that you don’t believe your relationship to be defined by money. A lifelong friendship is sure to follow. 3) Have really loud sex Show your roommate that something awesome is currently happening to you while s/he is sitting in bed alone doing Netflix marathons. It’ll brighten his/her day knowing that you’re happy and getting some. 4) Tag yourself in Alternatively, if by some miracle your roommate is getting some action, don’t be afraid to join and tag him or her out once in a while. It will give him or her a breather and they’ll be able to satisfy their partner even more. The best things in life are meant to be shared, right? 5) Don’t use headphones Your roommate will be grateful that you’re sharing your musical tastes with him/her. It’ll make studying that much easier for him/her! 6) Spoil TV shows Always watch his or her favourite TV show before your roommate does and talk about the crucial plot points before s/he does. That will save him/her the time to watch it and give more time to study. S/He’ll be eternally grateful. Bonus points for season finales. Plus, it shows that you enjoy the same things and gives you all something to talk about. 7) Participate in house chores When you notice that your apartment is getting dirty, mention to your roommate that s/he can start cleaning and then return to your occupations. S/He’ll really appre-

ciate that you’re doing your part. 8) Eat your roommate’s leftovers This will show that you appreciate his or her cooking. It will give your roommate a much needed confidence boost in this grim period of the year. 9) Download several movies and watch videos on YouTube simultaneously Try to use as much of the bandwidth as possible. That will prevent your roommate from procrastinating. You’re binge-watching Orange is the New Black and Breaking Bad at the same time because you have his or her academic successes at heart - not because you enjoy it. 10) Organize parties without telling your roommate as often as possible It will be like a surprise party every week. Your roommate will feel appreciated and will be grateful for the attention. 11) Leave to your roommate the task of cleaning. The principle of equality is an important one. You’ve organize the party, s/he can do the clean-up. This is a fair arrangement. 12) Leave your shoes and things everywhere Every time your roommate trips will be a subtle reminder of your affectionate relationship. Bonus points if to leave all the drawers open. 13) Don’t knock If your roommate’s door is closed and you need to talk, walk right in without knocking. That will show how there are no barriers between you. Your relationship will only get better. 14) Leave passive aggressive notes It’s an easy way to let him or her know that something is bothering you without going into a dreaded confrontation. Your roommate will have to ratiownally think about the issue and come up with a fair solution. No more drama. 15) Finish what you started

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