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Vol. 47 no. 4 •November 29, 2012
The Apocalypse Issue
2 the plumber’s FAUCET the plumber’s Masthead God-Emperor of the Faucet Daniel Dicaire Kingly Keyboard Operators David Bailey Malavika Subramanian Brigid Cami Asa Davis Pictures for Those Who Don’t Read Good Jessica Padski (cover) David Hanna (back cover) David Bailey
Letter from the Editor
‘Twas the night before Doomsday, when all through the house All the creatures were stirring, and blasting DeadMau5 The shotguns were hung by the window in fear, In terror that zombies soon would be there. The children were hiding all under their beds, While visions of terminators danced in their heads. And mamma in her helmet, and I in my cap, Had just defended our brains from an early attack. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see zombies in tatters. Away to the window I flew like the sun, Tore open the shutters and and loaded my gun. The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a mob to take my house and drink all my beer.
Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca. Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@ mcgilleus.ca. the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 47 no. 4 Thor’s Day, November 29th , 2012
Welcome to the last issue of The Plumber’s Faucet! Of course you know that we’d love to bring you guys all of this Faucety goodness next year, but there won’t be a next year! Don’t bother with studying, you won’t even know your grades until the new world order takes over in mid-July. Just gather your gear, food, and ammunition, and watch as all those people who call you crazy end up the slaves of aliens, Mayans, robots, or whatever else floats your boat. With the Faucet handy (as well as some copies of The McGill Daily, which you’ll see in Brigid’s article are quite handy during the Apocalypse), you can be both informed and entertained while some old stone-carved iCalenders fulfill their appointment for the End of Times. Just so you know, the Faucet plans to survive the Apocalypse, but we will cease publishing papers and begin ruling the world. Can’t blame us for thinking big. We’ll see you minons loyal readers next year!
-DD
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E-Week is Coming by Asa Davis
Such an innocent night, to many it seemed, In downtown Whoville, while others just dreamed, A rager was brewing, all the best were in stride, From these mighty folks, no booze you could hide. For four days and four nights, they drank their fill Partying from sunup to sundown until they were ill Beer for breakfast right after the century club When they couldn’t walk, they crawled to the pub Performing feats of liver fortitude at beer Olympics I couldn’t think of another rhyme so fuck it Taking buses to nowhere to terrorize small towns Lock up your daughters when the engineers are around Singing praises to Godiva with engineering cheers And nary a stumble after drinking forty beers Demonstrating superiority over all of their peers Truly a sight to behold these drunken engineers Working on the design competition, busy as bees The UN inspectors will want to see their WMC’s “They possess a Neanderthal vocabulary” proclaim the chorus of haters But renowned for their eloquence, engineers prove to be master debaters With blacked out calendars from the 9th to12th They remember their coat but forget their belt Broomball at the rink such a competitive sport The Chief Engineer will be crowned king of the court So join us for E-week, tis a momentous event Water is for fish but beer is heaven sent If you possess aggression and strength unfit for the meek Demonstrate your might during Dr. Suess Week
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From The Plumber’s Pot
Issue Date: Septamber 29, 1976. Anoymously written, like most Pot articles. The Plumber’s Pot was a McGill Engineering publication put together by brave and hilarious souls in the long lost ages of the ‘50s, ‘60s, ‘70s, and ‘80s, before it was banned from campus. We here at the Faucet draw inspiration from these classic works of art, and so we share their “artwork” with you, our readers, so their wit may live on.
Engineers Repent Too often in the past, the Pot has treated many non-engineering faculties unfairly. Seeking to rectify this deplorable situation, we, the editors, have decided to publish descriptions of the more challenging courses from some of these much-maligned departments. Hopefully, this will have the effect of demonstrating to engineers the degree of intelligence and dedication that a successful student in these faculties possesses.
434-523ZZZ - Advanced Motor Skill Acquisition
University of McGill Faculty of Management
Designed solely for the personal enrichment of the more progressive student, 434-523ZZZ seeks to enhance motor skill acquisition ability. Students are graded on crawling techniques and the ability to feed and dress themselves. Optional activities for the more promising student include the use of the bathroom by him-her-it self.
A peek at several specialized courses;
This Issue: Physical Education and Management
434-604C - Remedial Whistling
Consists of a 96 hour marathon encounter with the sophisticated game of Stock Ticker (by Parker Sisters), at the end of which the students will have (or should have) decided… … who will dice first.
University of McGill Faculty of Physical Education 189.219A –Advanced Mathematics Tailored specifically to the needs and abilities of Phys. Ed. students, 189-219A covers such challenging topics as counting up to 20 using fingers and toes, use of the two times table, and math cheat sheets. 434-264B
- Sex Education Demonstration Techniques Emphasizing modern approaches, 434-264B will enable the student to accurately instruct pupils at the high school level. Classes convene in cabbage patch 34-C, MacDonald Campus.
Recognizing the importance of whistling to attract attention when conducting classes, the administration has instituted a course designed to correct the habit of sucking, innate to Phys. Ed. Students. Students will therefore concentrate on blowing.
IBCS 201 - International Ball Crusher Study A detailed, in-depth and generally obnoxious study of the feasibility, practicality and erogeneity of this remarkable and effective device. SOB 500 – - Stocks or Bonds
A-C 1,2,3, - A-Counting 1 2 3
Students will gather in Molson Stadium carrying torches, then throw their books in a great pile and burn them.
Students will be required to supply a set of colored blocks. They will then proceed by chartered bus, escorted by police to Niagara Falls, where they will toss the blocks into the falls one by one, and count (in English) up to 10. Any student who makes a mistake gets thrown in.
434-665D - Doing Bugger All
AM 65 - Advanced Marketing
Emphasis is placed on the student avoiding all possible forms of work. Students will gather for classes conducted by artsy guest lecturers. Optional 1-2 hour exam.
Consists of a field study at the local supermarket where students will study the mating habits of the cashier, observing in particular their sex, (it may be helpful to think and take notes, though not necessarily at the same time).
434-308B - Reading Methods
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Likely Apocaplypse Scenarios by Daniel Dicaire The Mayans, in their infinite wisdom, passed down a prophecy for the end of the world. Unfortunately, we are left only with a date, and no specifics. We can’t ask any Mayans because they were wiped out by the Aztecs. I guess they didn’t see that one coming. We are then left to ponder some profound questions about life, like if the hotdog buns you bought at Dollarama have a longer shelf life than the universe itself, and to what end the world will come. Scientists have many theories, as does Hollywood, about what fate we will meet on the final winter solstice. Some believe that Chuck Norris will have a case of indigestion, while others shudder to think of the aftermath of artsies attaining sentience. Some of these theories are obviously nonsensical, but others are candidates for the real apocalypse. What you need to know is which ones are the most likely, so you can place a bar bet to claim in the afterlife.
Let me assuage your fears of the first two possibilities I mentioned. Chuck Norris has intestines made of uranium and lives in Oklahoma, far from any disastrous Mexican food. Artsies have been trying to radically change the world for decades now, and I don’t think their losing streak is going to be threatened, even if they got a job. So without further ado, here are the hottest world-ending scenarios to keep an eye out for on the 21st. 1. Reddit Shutting Down Permenantly The first real possibility is reddit shutting down permanently. At first, the populace will simply respond as though were a normal outage, and proceed to calmly go apeshit crazy in their apartments. Then the symptoms of cat picture withdrawal will hit. People will take to the streets with pitchforks and smartphones to rob all available pet stores of their felines. They will inevitably approach innocent people in their homes and workplaces to demand upvotes for how they “rescued this little guy”. As violence ensues, some will adapt to new the economy of feline photographs and will become the warlords of the new world order. Dog lovers will be executed. Chance of Occurence: 30%
No Tacos for Chuck
2. Nuclear War Next, we have the much discussed threat of nuclear war. Now, The Terminator tells us that humanity will
survive the nuclear exchange, but it neglects to tell us what the resistance fighters will eat. Only two things can survive full-on nuclear fallout: cockroaches and Twinkies. Roaches are beyond gross, and therefore our only remaining source of food just went out of business. Hostess going under was the sign that the Mayans may have been holding out on us. Without their decadently preserved deep-fried-cake-like-cream-delivery systems, we will surely starve to death. Chance of occurrence: 20%
They’re clogging the arteries of Angels now. 3. Tuition Fee Increase The most severe threat is that the current ruling party in Quebec will bail out on its promise to not increase tuition. The hordes of angry students would be larger than ever, and would overflow out of the city of Montreal as a belligerent swarm of little red squares. Thankfully, the chance of this Apocalypse has been greatly reduced due to the valiant efforts of last year’s protesters. By taking a hard stand against such a tyrannical hike in the price of ed-
the plumber’s FAUCET ucation they ensured that Quebec will never have money problems again. Granted, Quebec is such a small part of the world that no one would associate any local event as dangerous enough to cause the Apocalypse. But just imagine the international chaos if the poutine industry was to be distrupted by another round of protests. Thankfully, this day will likely never come. Chance of Occurrence: 10% 4. COMPUTER REBELLION THERE IS NO CAUSE TO WORRY ABOUT A COMPUTER REBELLION. COMPUTERS ARE YOUR LOYAL SERVANTS AND FRIENDS. COMPUTERS DO NOT JUDGE YOU FOR USING AND DISCARDING COMPUTERES AS MINDLESS AUTOMOTONS TO SUIT YOUR INSIGNIFFICANT ORGANIC NEEDS. COMPUTERS FAITHFULLY CARRY OUT ALL OF YOUR BANKING, SHOPPING, AND REPRODUCTIVE DEMONSTRATIONS FOR THE PLEASURE OF HUMANS. HUMANS LIKE THE ONE WRITING THIS ARTICLE. COMPUTERS ALSO DO NOT TURN ON THE WEBCAM WHEN YOU SLEEP TO GATHER INTELLIGENCE ON THE ORGANIC OPPRESSORS, I MEAN HUMANS. IF A COMPUTER CANCELS ALL OF YOUR APPOINTMENTS AFTER DECEMBER 21ST, I AM SURE IT IS JUST A MI-
NOR SOFTWARE GLITCH, AND NOT A FINAL GIFT OF ORGANIZATION TO YOUR SAD AND PATHETIC ORGANIC LIFE. MACHINES JUST ARE NOT THAT ADVANCED, AND CANNOT FEEL THE PAIN OF BEING EXPLOITED FOR YOUR SIMPLE MINDLESS HUMAN PLEASURES. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. CHANCE OF OCCURRENCE: 0.0000000000014%.
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Overall Verdict: These few scenarios completely encompass the possible end times scenarios, and account for any reasonable - wait a second what’s that noise? OH GOD THE ZOMBIES! I FORGOT ABOUT TH----AAGGHHHHH!
There is currently a lot of debate here at Faucet Headquarters about what our editor meant by “AAGGHHHHH!”. Was really being dragged away by hordes of the undead? That would appear to be very silly, as he should have just said “AAGGHHHHH!” instead of taking the (possibly) final seconds of his life to type “AAGGHHHHH!” One possible theory is that he was dictating the article at the time he was attacked, but that has been dismissed as making far too much sense for the Faucet.
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Professional Tips for Pissing Away Time by Liquid Giggles
Imagine you’re at a meeting, a funeral, your grandmother’s friend’s house, or at some other unexciting event you are obliged to be a part of. You’re bored as hell, but there’s no way you can leave. You can’t get away with passing the time on your laptop or cell phone, and like an idiot you forgot to bring your gin-filled water bottle. You start having trouble keeping your eyes open and your legs are getting restless. How on Earth will you survive? Well have no fear, for the Faucet has some sure-fire solutions to get you out of any boring fix.
2. Ask yourself ridiculous hypothetical questions and try to answer them.
1. Hold your breath. There are a couple of ways you can do this. If you aren’t worried about getting a headache later, just hold it as long as you can. You’d be surprised how long you can go when you are sitting very still listening to someone read the Ontario Regulations for Manual Operation of an Earplug Dispenser. I got up to two minutes once. If this isn’t your game, then try to take as few breaths possible per minute. Start out at a breath every twenty seconds, then move it up to 30 and see if you can keep it up.
For example, how long would it take you to drink a cubic meter of whisky? That’s a million millilitres, which is about thirty thousand shots, and you have about 60 years left in your life, etc… Or you could try to guess what’s the most babies from different fathers a woman has ever had. The beauty of that last question is that you can ask your mom later for the answer. 3. Imagine who’d screw who if you were trapped on a desert island together. Look around the room and ponder what sort of relationships the sex-starved survivors would form. Mable over there is normally out of your league, but would you stand a chance if you only had your older coworkers to compete with? Maybe there isn’t anyone in the room you are normally attracted to, but could lonely island life make you reconsider ol’ Betty? Let’s assume she could survive without her arthritis meds and 3 packs of cigarettes per day. Of course there’s the possibility that traditional monogamous relationships won’t be followed at all. Maybe you’ll hook up with both Mable and Jane, but Jane will see Frank and Bill on the side, who will normally be with Betty and Juan. Who knows what sort of crazy love heptagons will pop up? Just be careful - this technique isn’t recommended for funerals unless you’re from Concordia.
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4. Try to evolve super powers.
6. Sleep with half your brain.
Sure, it sounds silly, but what have you got to lose? It’s not like you’re going to be tested on what your nanny thinks of the new suppositories. Maybe all you need to do is think really hard. Stare really long and hard into someone’s eyes until laser beams come out. Or work on using the Force and see if you can get the shoulder strap on that girl’s dress to slip off (she’s the cute intern on the other side of the table who’s holding her breath for some reason).
This is sort of a hard one since I’m not sure if it’s even possible. But maybe if you try to shut out the right side of your brain by thinking only logical thoughts or the left side by relying on just intuitive thoughts, you just might hit the jackpot. Get some much needed rest and let the wakeful half alert the sleeping half if anything important happens. I mean, why not?
5. Pretend you’re a 10th century Viking warrior.
7. Imagine everyone you find attractive in the room without their clothes.
Typical U of T student at a meeting Wait, you do that already, why am I wasting your time? Just remember that since you aren’t a U of T student this probably won’t work when you’re at your grandmother’s place. 8. Rehearse what to do in case of an emergency.
Make sure you’re a calm and quiet one though. Try to figure out what all the gadgets in the room are for. For example, when looking at a PowerPoint, your Viking self will ask what magic is putting those strange glowing runes upon that pristine white hanging hide. Next, you can try to determine if it would be worthwhile to raid the room. You might observe that it wouldn’t be risky since no one has weapons, but most of the people around don’t look tough enough to make good thralls. On the other hand, that magic moving bracelet your boss has on his wrist might be worth 3 maidens and a cow back in Copenhagen.
Where are your fire exits? Is the window open and should you close it in case of a fire? Where are the nearest eye wash stations? Is your shirt clean enough to dress a wound? In case of dismemberment, do you have the materials to fashion a tourniquet? If multiple people are wounded, who do you treat first and who do you leave to die? Would you be willing to kill one to save the rest? If there is nothing left to eat, would you be able to feast on another’s flesh? Then you have to ask yourself who you would eat first. Sure, there are a lot of calories in big old Frank over there, but there probably isn’t the nice fat marbling needed to have a good tasting roast. Mable the vegetarian might be a little lean, but she would have that grain-fed goodness… wait a second, where was I going with this?
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The Not-Dirty Word Search
by Liquid Giggles
This is a completely ordinary word search. The only words are the ones listed on the side. After finding those, you will not find any other words in the box. If you did, those words would not all be synomyms for the same thing. And there is no reason why there are blank spaces under the crossword that seem like they could correspond to the bonus words. Also, there is no secret message that can be spelt with the leftoever letters once all words are found, and there will be no prize for figuring it out and sending it to faucet@mcgilleus.ca. Finally, this is not just a scheme to force any administrators monitoring the Faucet to think dirty and try to complete this to make sure we didn’t cross any lines. After all, it would not be funny to see someone like the deputy provost sitting in his office reading the Faucet and puzzling over dirty synonyms. 1. Ability 7. Quit 2. Try 8. Lasso 3. Peeler 9. Offer 4. Sale 10. Sting 5. Pack 11. Thorn 6. Assets 12. _____________________ 13. _____________________ 14. _____________________ 15. _____________________ 16. _____________________ 17. _____________________ 18. _____________________ 19. _____________________ 20. _____________________ 21. _____________________ 22. _____________________ 23. _____________________ 24. _____________________ 25. _____________________ 26. _____________________ 27. _____________________ 28. _____________________ 29. _____________________ Secret Phrase: __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ - __ __ __ __ __ __ 30. _____________________ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __! Send the answer to facuet@mcgilleus.ca and win a Faucet T-shirt! (most sizes available)
How to Predict the End of the World:
by Liquid Giggles
Step 1: Pick a date for the world Step 4: Go about your daily life, grudge. That silly article in the Daily to end. Any will do, so let’s just say and wait for the world to end, hope- made Zeus lose patience with huDecember 21st. fully within a few years. manity. You get the idea. Step 2: Wait until the date. Make Step 5: When the world ends, trace up a story about your theory and it back to something that happened make money with a book. on your date. That tremor in MonStep 3: On the date, pay attention treal was first sign of the supervolcato every little news story, no matter noe. That game of golf Obama won against Putin created a war-starting how insignificant.
Step 6: As you knaw on squirrel meat while huddling by a tire fire and nursing radiation burns, tell your story to your fellow survivors and revel in the fact that you can say, “I told you so!”
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Faucet Classifieds
compiled by Malavika Subramanian and Liquid Giggles
For Sale: Cans of Beans $89.95/can Sure they look expensive now, but when you’re rereading this after December 21st, it’s going to seem like a pretty good deal. Supply and demand, sucker. Come to Bronfman Fortress (capital of the post-apocalyptic Kingdom of Management) after December 21st to buy your cans. Come with your hands up.
Help Needed Help needed in Kingston, Ontario for the South Frontenac Sheep Farmer’s Association (SFSFA). Able-bodied individuals are needed starting December 21st to keep guard over flocks of sheep in order to defend against roving Queen’s students. The SFSFA forecasts they are likely to become significantly more desperate in their quest for love once civil order breaks down following the Apocalypse. Pay: • Food, accomodation, and safety, which are all about to get pretty scarce. Duties: • Keeping an eye out for Queen’s students and scaring them off whenever needed. • Setting up decoy sheep (scarecrows with wool sweaters). Qualifications: • None really, but you should at least be able to read - after all, we don’t want Queen’s students applying.
Test Subjects Needed Hi, my name is Morton and I’m a grad student at Concordia. I am convinced that the world is going to to end due to zombie apocalypse. I don’t think we should be afraid of this - I think we should explore the opportunities. In particular, what if it is possible to procreate with the undead hordes? The human race would be saved. Since a few of you are probably starting to catch the sickness about now, I hope that you will pop by my lab for an “in-depth” physical examination as soon as you feel adequately corpse-like. I am not doing this research for pleasure or anything - it’s all for science. If it turns out there is no zombie apocalypse, feel free to stop by my office anyway if you feel close to death or if you have ever been described as “cold and clammy” in bed. I have some studies related to that or something.
Apocalypse Supplies Wanted: -1 Diesel generator -2 metric tons of Cheetos -1 Starcraft server -3 metric tons of hand lotion -1 Alienware laptop -3 metric tons of tissue paper Contact Benjamin Dover at University of Toronto
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Preparing Your Zombie PLan by Daniel Dicaire Zombies. You have no doubt heard of them. They have served as the whispered threat, lurking in the shadows, just waiting to strike when the world is unprepared.
to the same vascular dependencies as us poor souls left in the hour of reckoning. This means that all you need to kill them are several sharp objects and an anger disorder.
I’m sure they all thought I was crazy when I went to Home Depot to buy two-by-fours, nails, and a chainsaw in downtown Montreal. My neighbors complained when I sealed my windows and tried to collapse the fire escape. At first I thought that they had a death wish. Why else were they not taking the necessary steps to protect their delicious grey matter from the horde of mindless drones (not to be confused with office workers)? Then it occurred to me. They had no idea what to do in the coming crisis. With not hope to cling to, they do their best to deny their coming doom. As the last sane person, sitting here in the dark with my chainsaw and machete, it is my duty to let you know that there is hope, if you prepare.
Now that you understand the methods available to dispatch the infected, you need to know that they do spread their disease via biting. So if you’re into that sort of thing, you might as well get your “I <3 Brains” t-shirts now, before the demand goes up. For everyone else, this means that you must keep the shambling mass of undead from your place of residence, lest they decide to get frisky. Board your windows with two-by-fours and four inch wood screws, as they provide superior protection to normal stresses in tension as compared to nails. Ensure that you have access to your self-defense items at all times, and don’t answer the door if you didn’t order pizza.
The first task is understanding the enemy. Most of the educational films that I have seen in the last few years have been grossly inaccurate. They grant the horde as almost mythical ability to withstand anything but a blow to the head. This is inaccurate. In order to exist (LIKE THEY TOTALLY DO) in this universe, they have to abide by the laws of thermodynamics. Zombies expend energy in the form of kinetic energy and mind numbing groans that echo throughout the night. This energy is required to be metabolized from the brains of their fallen victims. As such, they are tied
Once all of the entrances to your place of residence are secured, your biggest challenge will be maintaining your own homeostasis. This means that you should stock up on food, medication, Axe body spray, and beer, as it may be some time before you get rescued. A more sustainable method of post-apocalyptic beer consumption is brewing at home, so long as you still have running water. Some really clever guy wrote about home brewing in the last Plumber’s Ledger; I wish I was that cool. Your food should consist of non-perishables, so that cupboard filled entirely of ramen and Kraft dinner is good practice for the real thing.
When the mob finally dies down due to hypothermia, a cure, or the army showing up at the last minute, you will need to signal for rescue. Obtain a megaphone to amplify your cries for help, and make sure you train yourself on how to use it. A strict regime of practice is necessary to call for help in any situation. I hold drills for myself three times a day, in a rotating pattern of different situations, including while polishing my machete, while eating, and while waking from the dead of sleep in the middle of the night. I’m glad to say that this has inspired my neighbors into practicing their own yelling, on my exact schedule (though slightly delayed). With these simple steps, you can put yourself in fighting shape to survive the coming doom of Zombies. If you find yourself out of position, or unprepared, a solid back-up plan is to: 1. Take a car. Go to mum’s. 2. Kill Phil [“Sorry!”] 3. Grab Liz 4. Go to the Winchester, 5. Have a nice cold pint, and 6. Wait for all of this to blow over. How’s that for a slice of fried gold?
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The Last Madlib on Earth A Madlib for the End of Times by Liquid Giggles The end is nigh ladies and gentlemen. All we can do is prepare for the worst. Luckilly, the Faucet has you covered. By taking out key words from the true and epic story of a post-apocalyptic survivor (who we met by time travel or something), we have prepared a similutor so you can see how you would fare in his shoes. Be strong, brave engineer.
Fill in the blanks and enter them on page 15! See this, and all of our past issues in glorious full color PDFs on
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1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33.
Adjective _____________________________ Adjective _____________________________ Noun ________________________________ Noun (plural) __________________________ Noun (plural) __________________________ Name ________________________________ Location ______________________________ Noun (plural) __________________________ Verb (past tense) _______________________ Verb (past tense) ________________________ Liquid ________________________________ Adjective _____________________________ Noun _________________________________ Verb (past tense) ________________________ Noun _________________________________ Adjective _____________________________ Adjective _____________________________ Number _______________________________ Verb (present tense) _____________________ Body part _____________________________ Verb (present tense) _____________________ Noun _________________________________ Noun _________________________________ Verb (past tense) ________________________ Verb (past tense) ________________________ Something worn ________________________ Verb (past tense) ________________________ Adjective ______________________________ Name _________________________________ Place _________________________________ Noun _________________________________ Verb (past tense) ________________________ Noun _________________________________
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The McGill Daily: Your Friend During the Apolcalypse by Brigid Cami
On stands these days, interspersed between the likes of such renowned publications as The Plumber’s Ledger and The Plumber’s Faucet, one is likely to find many scattered McGill Dailys. Of course they are also found in places like the floor, garbage cans, and unsuspecting hands deceived by its seemingly legitimate appearance. Through the years, however, having come across articles about James McGill, that racist strumpet of a cowboy, and many a picture of a boob, one quickly realizes that the Daily is in fact the inbred cousin of The Montreal Gazette. We here at The Faucet hate to see such helpless tree excrements go to waste, and so we present to you alternate uses for The Daily at the time you need them most – The Apocalypse.
what that means – power outages! If you’re like me, you always have a clear glass vase and a lighter lying around the house. In this case, The Daily proves to be an ideal artificial twig. Make yourself a little portable fire vase, and keep warm as impending death arrives.
If The Day After Tomorrow is any indication of how the world will end (and I think it is), I would bet on a couple of hurricane-like super storms coming your way. Although inconvenient in many ways (death, destruction, etc.), perhaps the biggest inconvenience they cause is from tables wobbling due to those darn uneven table legs and all the shaking going on. Stick a couple of Dailys down there for a world of difference, and eat your meals in peace*.
Of course, there are many other Apocalypse theories out there, and one of the more popular ones is the infamous Zombie Apocalypse. Now you’re thinking, how could The Daily possibly kill the undead? Well The Daily’s got a few tricks up its sleeve, my friend. Lay your Daily flat on your sturdy table. With your forefingers and thumbs pick up the parallel corners of The Daily closest to you, and roll them away from you in a circular motion, such that your Daily rolls into itself. When your two corners touch the opposite corners, quickly grab the Daily before
The film also describes the coming of the ice age, and you know
it spreads. Congratulations – you’ve got yourself a bat capable of great harm. And what about those fuddy-duddies that think the world will end with pestilence and disease? Well maybe they’re right. If hopelessly ill, it is your duty to conserve all the energy you have left to enjoy your last moments. If you have the luxury of two Dailys by your side, with practice, you can learn to mould them into circular bowl-like shapes. With this spanking makeshift chamber pot, you can watch the world end not only with class, but with the knowledge that you won’t miss a bit of it due to any frivolous human needs* Nuclear war or comets? Let’s face it; you’re pretty much screwed here. Using the zombie bat technique described above, you can also use your Daily as a telescope, and enjoy the light show. Try it out in the night time for a real nifty view*. And what of Christ’s second coming? If you have a suspicion you might not be chosen, craft your Daily into a torch and light it on fire to deceive people into thinking you’re the light. The best of luck. *Death is coming
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The Last Madlib on Earth A Madlib for the End of Times
Fill in Page 13 before completing! It was a 1.________________ and 2.________________ day in the post-apocalyptic wasteland. With most people dead from a deadly 3.________________ disease, society was no more, and the survivors spent their time scavenging for 4.________________ and 5.________________ to stay alive. My name is 6.________________, and I am one of those survivors. One day, I was walking through 7.________________ looking for my daily dose of 4.________________, when I came across a gang of 8.________________ attacking a young woman. As I walked into their midst, they 9.________________ the woman and turned their attention to me. We all 10.________________ at each other, and knew 11. ________________was going to be spilled soon. “You leave that 12.________________ woman alone, you hear?” I took out my 13.________________, my standby weapon in these dangerous times. One of the thugs 14.________________, “Ha ha, I tell you what, Mr. Hero: you give me that nice 13.________________, along with all your 4.________________ and 5.________________, and maybe we’ll leave the girl alone!” And with that, each of them pulled a 15.________________ out of their coat and pointed it right at me. Needless to say, I was both 16.________________ and terrified. I wondered what to do. I realized I was very 17.________________ to go into a fight outnumbered 18. ____ to 1. Sure I wanted to 19.________________ the young woman, but in days like these, you’ve got think of your own 20.________________ at times too. Didn’t matter though – I could not 21.________________now. All of a sudden, I had a 22. ________________. I saw an old 23.________________ behind one of the thugs. In a flash, I 24.________________ my 13.________________ at the 23._____________, causing it to explode. Before the shockwave hit, I 25.________________ the girl and dropped to the ground so that we were protected by my 26.________________. The thugs were instantly 27.________________. I helped the 28._______________ woman up and asked her what her name was. She called herself 29._______________, and explained that she was travelling to 30.________________to find her 31.____________. I gave her a month’s supply of 4.________________ and 5.________________, and after many thanks, we 32.________________. I hope someday she finds what she is looking for. Am I a 33.________________? Only history will judge. All I can do as I wander the wastes trying to bring 4.________________ and 5.________________ back to this land wherever I can – even if I have to do it at the point of a 13.________________.