The Election Issue

the plumber’s vol. 46 no.3 • Wednesday, November 7th, 2012

The Election Issue U.S. Presidential Election

2 the plumber’s FAUCET the Plumber’s Masthead High King of the Faucet Daniel Dicaire Knights of Content David Bailey Daniel Dicaire Arjun Ghai Benjamin Share Amanda Dos Santos Engravers of the Court (illustrations and photos) Kieran Mak (cover) Jessica Padski (back cover) Ali Najmabadi Court Wizard of Layout David Bailey

Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications. director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca. the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 46 no. 3 Wednesday, November 7th, 2012

Letter from the Editor Today is a special day. The old incumbent that seemed to shine so brightly at first has finally been replaced with a new way forward for our society. We heard the promises, the rumors and the compromises as the slow march to change began for the first time in years. But our wait is finally over! Wake up and seize the new day! Halo 4 has been released! I’ve been playing this game since I broke into Future Shop, I mean, attended a “surprise” midnight launch event. I haven’t slept since it came out yesterday. A combination of Red Bull and five cases of Mountain Dew did the trick. I really like it, except eight hours in my controller kept shaking, along with my TV, stereo, chair, and everything around me come to think of it.

I’m sure that’s all part of the experience. I’m starting to feel tired now, I think I’ll have a naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

Hey everyone welcome to our Election Issue!

We all know how important this day is and how surprising the result has been. Our writers have really worked hard to deliver this issue at first morning’s light so you, our beloved readers, can get the scoop before all others. I’m not going to detract from our journalists’ hard work, so turn to page 4 for the full coverage.

As for the news at home, we have begun the slow and steady march to the seemingly unending nights. Daylight savings time has come to not only make your clocks run on time again, but also to give you that precious extra hour of sleep so it can steal it back on March 10th. The temperature has also begun to dip. Soon the Bixis will fly south for the winter or whatever the hell they do for seven months out of the year. And shortly after that, finals will be along to ruin everyone’s holiday season. Speaking of which, we won’t get one because the world ends just after The Hobbit is released.

Be brave Faucet readers. We will prepare you for the end of times in our next issue.

-DD

the plumber’s FAUCET

3

Join the New World Order - Be a Part of the Faucet!

Hey, do you know what Kim Jong Il, Joseph Stalin, Godzilla, and the Anti-Christ all have in common? You guessed it: they never wrote for The Plumber’s Faucet! Do you really want to be in the same club as these gentlemen?

Hell no!

The Plumber’s Faucet is looking for people with a good sense of humour to write satirical articles, advertise engineering events, draw pictures, and crack jokes of varying immaturity levels.

Everything we publish is written by students (we occasionally hide a few subtle ads) so we need you to keep the Faucet great! Meetings are held in the EUS Committee Room every Tuesday at 7 PM. Any questions, concerns and content can be sent to faucet@mcgilleus.ca

4

the plumber’s FAUCET

Faucet Party of America Wins Landslide Victory in U.S. Presidential Elections

by Liquid GIGGLES

The Results:

Obama

The American people have spoken. The 45th president of the United States and unofficial king of the world will be It’s Always Naked in Philadelphia of the Faucet Party of America. The Faucet Party won in a landslide victory by capturing 51% of the popular vote and 369 out of the 538 seats of the US Electoral College, leaving the Democrats with 92 and the Republicans with 77.

Romney

After the votes were finalized, the result was so unexpected that there were actually no reporters at Always Naked’s campaign headquarters, which were located in his parents’ garage. By the time press arrived, the president elect had downed twelve beers and a bottle of vermouth in celebration. Standing atop a lawn chair wearing only a lab

It’s Always Naked in Philadelphia

How the votes were cast: Always Naked dominated the election by winning over voters in a large vaguely penisshaped swathe of the U.S.

coat and hard hat, he thanked the people of America, his mother, and the staff of the Plumber’s Faucet for making it all possible. He was about to say something about a new golden age before being interrupted gastronomical medical issues (he puked).

The new president subsequently alienated a large portion of the press

by making inappropriate passes at reporters. However, a few were not above a bit of in-depth investigative journalism, so it is fair to say that Always Naked now has a few intimate allies in the media. Bill Clinton has long been a supporter of It’s Always Naked in Philadelphia’s presidential bid.

The Campaign: For many, the sudden rise of the Faucet Party comes as a shock.

This is because we at the Faucet have been working on winning the U.S. election in relative secrecy to take advantage of the element of surprise. Trying to win people over by being open and public about your policies is never very effective, so the Faucet Party used cleverer strategies of questionable legality and morality.

An integral part of the Faucet Party’s campaign team was the Bribery and Blackmail Division.

During the summer, members of the Faucet Party were sent to New York, L.A., Las Vegas, Dallas, and Miami,

where they immediately began sleeping with as many Americans as possible in exchange for their votes.

The Faucet Fuck Force Five concentrated mainly on married Americans who were susceptible to blackmail. In exchange for not revealing the illegitimate liaisons, these husbands and wives were convinced to seek out and seduce more Americans and convince them to vote for the Faucet Party. As a result, the Faucet Party’s Influence spread like an STD and soon half the country was in Always Naked’s pocket.

Luckily, Always Naked never

attracted much attention in all this because one of the Faucet Party’s founding principles is “To recite dirty limericks whenever you meet a pollster”. So though a man from Nantucket seemed to be doing pretty well in the lead-up to the election, pollsters were never able to gather enough information about the Faucet Party to declare it a threat.

Faucet Party Campaign Memorabilia - now in pineapple flavour!

the plumber’s FAUCET

The Candidate:

It’s Always Naked in Philadelphia at at early campaign stop (Rowdy Day, 2011) It’s Always Naked in Philadelphia, the next president of the United States of America, has had a distinguished political career which has finally reached its zenith.

Always Naked first entered politics on a platform of reducing the draconian liquor laws that were

The Platform: What does the election of It’s Always Naked in Philadelphia mean for America? Part of the success of his campaign was that he was able to promise the people exactly what they wanted. He told the rich that they would get tax breaks and he told the poor that the rich would be bled dry; he told the South that he’d get rid of abortions and he told the North that he was going to get one himself; he told Californians he would promote electric cars and legalize weed, then spent a day driving around with Texan police in a Hummer confiscating pot from

preventing people his age from buying alcohol. This was back when he ran for class president in grade 2, and though he ran an excellent campaign he was disqualified for bribing voters with “special” juice boxes with “extra kick”. Despite this setback, Always Naked continued to champion the rights of alcoholics throughout his elementary school career.

Upon entering high school, Always Naked moved onto social issues and broke gender barriers by being the first male to join his school’s womens’ volleyball team.

He also had drunken rowdiness officially recognized as a religion, thus forcing his school to install a bar in the cafeteria so that he could worship between classes. Many of his teachers started practicing the religion too and grades at the school soon increased remarkably, mainly because teachers had difficultly singing the alphabet past the letter “A” when grading assignments.

5

in Philadelphia received a large fine shortly after graduation for indecent public exposure. Though he argued that it was another integral part of his religion, the authorities would have none of it. He therefore left to study in Canada at McGill where rowdy underage alcoholics are not as cruelly persecuted.

At McGill, Always Naked gained fame for hosting a blowjob workshop in Leacock 132 and for founding the SBTC (Students for Beer Taps in Classrooms). Because of acts like these and his excellent work for the Faucet and throughout the EUS, It’s Always Naked in Philadelphia became a member of the PPO in early 2012.

Last summer, Always Naked was appointed the Faucet Ambassador to the United States, and our chief foreign correspondent in Philadelphia. Though this was the official line, he was really being sent to win an election – the rest is now history.

Unfortunately, It’s Always Naked teenagers (though not all of it made it to evidence).

However, as we all know, campaign promises don’t really have much of an effect on what will actually happen. Always Naked has always proudly admitted that he holds a secret agenda for what he will do as president. Now that the job is secure, he has released his plans for America.

Always Naked first plans to tackle the economy by hiring millions of unemployed arts graduates as government-paid lap-dancers. He will then replace 25% of the salary of every government worker with

coupons for free lap-dances. These savings will pay for the salaries of the lap-dancers and go a significant way towards balancing the budget.

Also, the reduction in work-related stress will lead to a much happier and healthier workforce.

As for foreign policy, Always Naked plans to legalize pot and to make America the number one world supplier of cannabis. This is going to cause everyone to chill out a little, thus ending war. Productivity might drop a little though, and snack manufacturing will make up 50% of world GDP. (continued on page 6...)

6

the plumber’s FAUCET

The Platorm (continued...)

be smoked by all.

With these little issues out of the way, Always Naked will be free to pursue his enlightened projects for improving America and promoting the cause of Faucet World Domination.

Always Naked will then rename each American state to something more appropriate. Vermont will become “The EUS Courtyard”, New York will become “New Montreal”, Nevada will become “Blackjack and Hookers”, and Texas, which is big about being big, will be renamed “Your Mom”.

First of all, America will lighten up a little. The drinking age will be lowered to 12, except for Fridays when everyone will be allowed to drink and work will end at 3:30.

Cheap hooch will be airdropped into countries like Canada where the people suffer under liquor taxes. For tobacco, Always Naked will end the Cuban embargo so that Cubans can

Alway’s Naked’s most important initiative will be nationalize all U.S. media outlets and create a single media giant called FACIAL (Faucet Administration for Central Information Allocation and Learning). The master of the

FACIAL shall be Dan Dicaire, the current editor of the Plumber’s Faucet and secret head of Illuminati.

Through absolute control of the media, the FACIAL shall spread the Plumber’s Faucet’s message of peace and promiscuity across the face of the United States by making it the national newspaper.

Under the rule of It’s Always Naked In Philadelphia, America will prosper. His influence will help the Faucet achieve it’s dream of world domination so that there can be a never-ending era of peace and promiscuity. Hail to the Chief!

Announcement from the President Elect: His Cabinet Picks

by It’s Always Naked in Philadelphia Secretary of State: Some fuckin’ artsy, what do I care?

Sobriety: Lady Godiva, a symbolic person for a symbolic position.

Secretary of Transportation: Whoever is in charge of Drive/ Walksafe, getting home in one piece is a top priority of my administration.

Secretaries of Culture: The OAP managers. Nuff Said.

Secretary of Mischief: Rosie the Riveter: she’s the only one who can single-handedly bolt and unbolt all the seats in a lecture hall overnight.

Allegedly.

Secretary of Defense: The Great Klondook Brown Rush. Do you want to fuck with someone like him with no pants on? Didn’t think so.

Secretary of Inebriation: A Moose, to symbolize the glorious nectar of the Gods, Moosehead.

A

by A

ENGINEERED FOR SUCCESS Our ďŹ nancial package for engineering students offers a wide range of advantages you have to see to believe. Sign up today.

1

Drop in and see for yourself: 1140 Sherbrooke Street West (514-281-9621) 955 de Maisonneuve Blvd. West (514-281-9620)

Proud partner

engineersbank.ca 1 This ďŹ nancial package is an advantage offered to full-time university students in engineering who are Canadian citizens or permanent residents of Canada. Students must provide proof of their full-time student status.

8

the plumber’s FAUCET

Flavours of Perfection - Fine Dining for Students

by Liquid Giggles, Faucet Master-Chef

Perhaps the most important part of being a good student is knowing how to eat properly. Of course, when you consider that students are often short on time and money it becomes clear that cooking skills are essential to make delicious meals with minimal cost and effort. As usual, the Faucet has got your back. After extensive research, experimentation, and collaboration with a team of Cordon Bleu chefs, I have perfected a number of recipes which are easy to prepare and which will provide exquisite delight for your taste buds.

Craquelins de Dieu Ingredients: Soda Crackers, hot sauce Directions: Add hot sauce to soda crackers Recommended Drink: Earl grey tea with Amarula A classic dish worthy of any of the great tea rooms of England, this dainty little snack will tickle your gastronomical fancy. The lightly crunchy texture of the crackers with their sweet undertones creates a remarkable interplay with the bite of the hot sauce, creating an interestingly unique and absolutely delicious meal fit for even the nobles of the British Isles.

Fusion de Deux Mondes Ingredients: English muffin, hot sauce Directions: Cut English muffin, add hot sauce Recommended Drink: Gin and tonic, on the rocks, no garnish With the invention of this dish, only an uncultured cretin can describe English cooking as bland. Though this can be a difficult recipe to master, the combination of flavours found in this dish will open you mind to pleasures never before experienced and will broaden your idea of exactly what it means to be alive.

Fusion de Deux Mondes Ingredients: Stale bread, hot sauce Directions: Soak a hunk of stale bread in hot sauce Recommended Drink: Any well-aged Italian red wine This dish draws its inspiration from the rolling hills of the picturesque Tuscan countryside. The pleasant interplay of the hot-sauce-wheat amalgamation on your pallet brings to mind pleasant images of vineyards and elderly farmers harvesting wheat and tomatoes. Drink with red wine, preferably a Chianti from Tuscany.

the plumber’s FAUCET

9

Triomphe de l’Aube Ingredients: Waffles, hot sauce Directions: Toast waffles, add hot sauce Recommended Drink: 15 year old single malt Scotch whisky This is a fine example of how to eat breakfast, lunch, or dinner with sophistication. The sweet texture of the waffles is delicately balanced by the spicy pockets of hot sauce which adds drive to this uniquely distinct meal. The waffles may also be stacked into a sandwich for fine dining on the go. Goodbye Aunt Jemima, hello hedonism.

Renaissance d’un Classique Ingredients: Kraft Dinner, hot sauce Directions: Cook Kraft Dinner, add hot sauce Recommended Drink: Chimay Triple or another fine Belgian beer Kraft Dinner has always been the standby for students with a taste for the extravagant. The old recipe has been reinvigorated here with the addition of hot sauce, the robust flavour of which competes against the sharp cheddar of the KD in a race across the taste buds which leads inevitably to pure pleasure across your entire pallet. Forget restaurants and treat your date to dinner at home with this fine creation.

Salade d’Accomplissement Ingredients: Lettuce, hot sauce Directions: Mix hot sauce with cut lettuce Recommended Drink: Any fine French white wine Lettuce has always been like a clean canvas upon which a chef may paint a culinary masterpiece using his palette of sauces. At last a mix has been found to serve as the Mona Lisa or Whistler’s Mother of the culinary arts. Savour this meal and reflect that never before in the history of food has such an experience been possible.

Orgasme Abandonné Ingredients: Pizza crust, hot sauce Directions: Acquire pizza crust, add hot sauce Recommended Drink: Warm Sleeman Draught The crust becomes the best part of the pizza with this innovative dish that takes what is old and turns it into culinary perfection. The art of pizza has been in development for millennia, and at last the perfect combination of subtle oily undertones and vigorous spiciness has brought it to its zenith. This dish was discovered in a sudden burst of inspiration while in Sherbrooke for Mech Madness.

10 the plumber’s FAUCET

The MacDonald Engineering Building Rant

by Amanda dos Santos Alas, not even a shrubbery will grant you access to the front door of the MacDonald Engineering Building these days. And don’t even think about taking the pathway that goes around the building either, because the security guards will just redirect you. Life is rough, especially if you’re coming from west of campus. Before you roll your eyes at my laziness, here’s the thing: McDonald and McConnell have been undergoing major renovations since I started my undergrad.

Two years ago, our classes were relocated to several different buildings, and I have to say that it has taught me a lot. I learned that it’s possible to get from Bronfman to Trottier in ten minutes, but it’s best to speed walk if you also need to pee before your next class. I learned that management students have cool reclining swivel chairs in their classrooms, and I will be forever envious - especially while sitting on the repurposed church pews in MacDonald. I learned that the Birks building is not suitable for engineering classes. The same goes for any other classroom that requires 45 engineers to remove their boots at the door after a day of schlepping around campus.

It wasn’t all fun and games during the renovations, but it wasn’t that terrible either. I have to admit, we got some pretty badass things in the end, such as the design lab, lots of classy bathrooms, and a fancy glass

The McGill Security that says ni

atrium [better known as the Crystal Phallus – editor’s note].

It’s just that this year, I was so excited to finally be home in MacDonald, where the mechies belong. I was excited to be able to use the front door and pathway.

Yes, I’m lazy, but I bet you are too. And now once again the way is blocked, along with our chances of being able to avoid the awkward mazing through MacDonald to get to classes.

According McGill’s website, the roof is scheduled to be completed in December, so grab your coconuts, get back on your horses and psych yourselves up for two more months of detouring.

The plan is for the new roof to last about a hundred years. The next time they redo it, McGill should consider burrowing some tunnels to connect MacDonald Harrington to MacDonald Engineering. I’d settle for a zip-line just as well, say from the railing in front of the Arts Building to the door beside the design lab. A second zip-line should be installed from the balcony of MacDonald to the ground, just for fun. Who knows though, maybe one hundred years from now, the building will be named the MacDonald Administration Building. The horror!

the plumber’s FAUCET

Overheard at Trottier as heard by Arjun Ghai Student 1: I’m meeting my girlfriend later, so I gotta take a Red Bull to get me through the night.

Student 2: One Red Bull for the night - you must be an arts student.

Student 1: You couldn’t tell by the fact I have a girlfriend?

11

50 Shades of Mad Lib

by Liquid Giggles - inspired by the work of E.L. James Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve no doubt heard of Fifty Shades of Grey, the novel by E.L. James that has been pruning the fingers and wasting the tissues of tens of millions of people worldwide.

The Faucet is all for anything that is vaguely sexual, so we figured we’d see what all the hype is about and do a bit of reading. We found that there were a lot of really intelligent scenes with sophisticated dialogue, and though Fifty Shades of Grey isn’t quite on par with Penthouse War and Peace, it’s fair to say that it’s an instant literary classic.

Student 1: Man, they totally need to make an engineering reality show.

To show you what we mean, we’d like to show you an excerpt so that you too can experience the genius of E.L. James. The novel is so well written that we only had to turn to a random page to see Fifty Shades at its best. We didn’t want to give anything away, so we took out a few key words. Fill them in below, enter them on page 13, and try not to moan too loudly if you’re doing this in class.

Student 2: This is not how you get laid.

Fill in the blanks and enter them on page 13!

Student 1: You heard that Nickelback song?

Student 2: You mean the one that sounds like all of them?

Student 1: How was Valentine ’s Day? Student 2: All day, All night.

Student 1: Wow, got some.

Student 1: That assignment really took me from behind.

Student 2: *Facepalm* Student 1: I’m hungry.

Student 2: Altos?

Student 1: Yes.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

19.

20.

21.

22.

Body part ___________________________________________ Noun, plural ____________________________________ Verb _______________________________ Noun_______________________________ Noun _________________________________ Verb _________________________________ Noun _________________________________ Noun _________________________________ Noun _________________________________ Verb ending in –ing ______________________ Verb ending in –ing _______________________ Verb _________________________________ Verb _________________________________ Adjective _________________________________ Adjective _________________________________ Adjective _________________________________ Adjective _________________________________ Body part _________________________________ Adjective _________________________________ Something you shout ________________________ Adjective _________________________________ Body part _________________________________

12 the plumber’s FAUCET

Another Gem from the Plumber’s Pot by an unnamed genius Once again, the Faucet brings you a relic from the Plumber’s Pot, that uber-controversial engineering paper that was banned from campus in 1989 for going too far.

Though the Pot probably went too far in a lot of its articles, you have to give them credit for being genius humourists. That’s why it would be a crime not to show you snippets of the stuff they produced.

Here is a relatively inoffensive article which we dug up and retyped for you. It teaches the importance of supporting our space program and the value of perseverance.

STAR DREK: A POT STORY These are the voyages of the starship Intercourse. Its five year mission: to seek out new women, to contract new life and diseases, to boldly cum where no man has cum before.

Captain’s Log: Stardate 4019.37 While searching for the home star system of the Loris, the Intercourse has been trapped by the black hole of Andromeda. Mr. Snot has been trying everything to break us loose.

The mighty phallic shape of the Intercourse heaved and pulled against the mighty grip of the hole.

Falling into the slot had been easy, almost as if the ship was lubricated.

Pulling out would not be so simple.

“Captain, I kenna break us free,” the voice of chief Engineer Snot said over the intercom, “and kenna take much more of this before we collapse from fatigue.”

At hearing these words, Captain James T. Kock, Commander of the U.S.S. Intercourse, strode over to the scanner occupied by his science officer, Mr. Shock.

alternatingly pushing deeper into and pulling out of the potential well, coupled with the ejection of energy in the form of the photon torpedoes at maximum penetration, should shake us free of the blook hole.”

“Now what’s that in English, Mr. Shock,” said Kock, a note of exasperation creeping into his voice.

“Recommendations Mr. Shock.”

“Simply this, Captain,” replied Shock, “we screw the ass off the bitch!”

“My analysis of the gravity field indicates that an oscillatory motion,

“Very well, Mr. Shock, implement the necessary procedures.” At

Mr. Shock’s acknowledgement, Kock turned his attention to the pulsing glory of the hole displayed on the screens before him. Licking his lips, he called the engineer on the intercom. “Snottie, give the Intercourse all you can. We’re going in and it’s going to be a hell of a ride.” With these words, he turned his full attention on to the upcoming ordeal.

In the suddenly tense atmosphere of the bridge, the tight voice of Mr. Shock cracked like a whip.

“Mr. Jerkoff, lay in the following

the plumber’s FAUCET trajectory. Mr. Screwyou, at my signal prepare to fire photon torpedoes.” Barely noticing their affirmative replies, he returned his attention to his scanner, his brow wrinkled in concentration as he awaited the proper moment.

The Intercourse slowly parted the outer folds of the gravity field, gently nosing itself deeper into the welcoming depths of the Hole.

Gradually, the oscillatory motion was increased, the Intercourse alternatingly plunging deeper and deeper, then pulling as far out as allowed, until the ship was virtually ramming itself into the very bowels of the Andromedean hole. The protective shield glistened as the ship strained to break loose of the restraining walls of force. As the ship pumped with increasing speed, the climactic moment rapidly approached. At the time of deepest penetration, on Shock’s signal, the Intercourse ejected its photon torpedoes. The glistening white energy droplets burst through the faltering protective shields and vanished into the deepest depths of the hole. With a mighty shudder, the Intercourse pulled free of the embrace of Andromeda.

After shaking itself, the itself, the Intercourse lay limp in space, utterly spent in the joy of its release. Soon, it would recover enough to resume its interrupted journey.

Captain’s Log, stardate 4019.5 The black hole of Andromeda lies behind us. I will never forget how it held us in its embrace and tried to make us its own. We now return our attention to our primary objective.

The search for the Loris continues.

We must find and put an end to this menace before it is too late.

13

50 Shades of Mad Lib

Fill in Page 11 before completing!

He caresses my 1.__________________ gently, and it burns as he strokes me round and round and down. Suddenly, he inserts two 2.______________ inside me, taking me completely by surprise. I 3.______________, this new assault breaking through the numbness around my brain.

“Feel this. See how much your 4._____________ likes this, Anastasia. You’re soaking just for me.”

There is 5._______________ in his voice. He moves his 2._________________, in and out in quick succession.

I groan, no surely not, and then his 2.______________ are gone… and I’m left wanting.

“Next time, I will get you to 6._______________. Now where’s that 7._________________?”

He reaches beside him for the 7._______________ and lifts me gently, pushing me face down onto the 8.________________. I hear the sound of his 9.______________ and the rip of the foil. He drags my sweatpants off and then guides me into a 10.______________ position, gently 11.________________ my now very sore behind.

“I’m going to 12.____________ you now. You can come,” he murmurs.

And he’s inside me, quickly filling me, I 13.____________ loudly. He moves, pounding into me, a 14._____________, 15.____________ pace against my sore behind. The feeling is beyond exquisite, raw and debasing and 16.________________. My senses are 17._____________, disconnected, solely concentrating on what he’s doing to me. How he’s making me feel, that familiar pull deep in my 18.____________, tightening, quickening. NO… and my traitorous body explodes in an intense, 19._____________ orgasm. “Oh, 20.____________!” he cries out loudly as he finds his release, holding me in place as he pours himself into me. He collapses, 21._____________ beside me, and he pulls me on top of him and buries his face in my 22.____________, holding me close.

14 the plumber’s FAUCET

The McGill Daily, Blank Paper, and Dead Squirrels

A Systematic Assessment of the Daily’s Value

by Liquid Giggles Many of us have often questioned whether McGill would be better off without the Daily. If the stands were empty or filled with something else, how would we fare as students? Sure the McGill Daily has great comedic content due to its absurdity, but it does get kind of old sometimes.

Mechies like myself will be familiar with Pugh Matrices, those handy-dandy little decision blocks that help you choose between design options. I decided I would make one so that we can see just how well the Daily stacks up against the alternatives.

The simplest thing we can put on the stands is nothing, so that’s our base case with a score of zero in all categories. Instead of nothing, we can continue to put the McGill Daily on the stands. We also have two new options. We can put stacks of 8.5”x11” lined paper (kind of like printing blank Dailys in a convenient size) or we can just put dead squirrels which we find alongside the road somewhere.

As you can see in the chart, we compare these alternatives against nothing for a number of criteria, and give them a score of 0, -1, or +1.

We then multiply the scores by the weighting factors for each criterion, and come up with a weighted score which will determine just what we should do with the McGill Daily.

Criteria Will appeal to the majority of McGill students Acts as a medium for the majority of students to express their opinions

Weighting The McGill Daily

Stacks of Dead 8.5”x11” squirrels lined paper

Nothing

7

-

+

-

6

-

+

-

Promotes intellectualism and equity

8

-

0

-

Editorial Quality

7

-

+

0

Likely to disappear from the stands

5

-

+

-

Cost

4

-

-

+

Likely to come in handy at some point

6

0

+

-

4

+

0

-

Can be used as toilet paper without leaving print marks

4

-

+

+

Doesn’t smell like a dead squirrel

9

0

0

-

-6

5

-5

0

-37

31

-37

0

Comedic Value

Total Weighted Total

Analysis: As you can see, the McGill Daily is neck-in-neck with a dead squirrel, and that’s only because I feel it’s very important that McGill publications don’t smell like dead squirrels. On the other hand, the Daily is significantly worse than nothing, and it could be even further improved by replacing it with stacks of stacks of

Base Concept: All 0

I have decided that it is high time we settled this question once and for all, scientifically and quantitatively so there can be no ambiguity. Luckily, I have picked up a few skills in my courses which will allow me to do this.

The Alternatives

8.5”x11” lined paper. The editors of the Daily should take note. If they truly care about the student body, they have the power and resources to stop buying newsprint and to distribute nice useful stationary instead. Or, as engineers have been saying for decades now, they could at least print in twoply.

the plumber’s FAUCET

15

Faucet Tourism and Travel:

Hotel Review of the Walls of Ottawa’s Youth Enrichment Center

by Dan Dicaire, Faucet Hospitality Guru were polite enough to stalk prey quietly. Courtesy also extends to the security guard of our neighboring mental institution. When we engaged in an a capella version of the classic “American Pie”, he gently reminded us that the patients were trying to sleep, and that we could stay so long as we remained off the hospital’s property.

Recently a group of intrepid engineers had the pleasure of visiting Ottawa to visit our Civil comrades during their annual Colloquium trip. Fun was had by all, but for some terrible reason, our initial lodging plans changed at the last minute. Instead of the floor of some of their spacious hotel rooms, a lucky few of us elected to spend the post-midnight hours against the walls of Ottawa’s Youth Enrichment Centre. We were so impressed with the service that we chose to submit our review of the establishment to the Faucet United Commerce Knowledgebase.

This charming little B&B is located directly adjacent to the local mental institution, so the neighborhood is quite nice. Our visit involved a self-guided tour

of the facilities, which included brick walls, a few trees, a window, and two security cameras. The rooms were open-concept with uninterrupted access to the exterior grounds. The climate control was cleverly set so that we could leave our beverages out and they would remain at a refreshing 4° Celsius. The high quality brickwork bedding has a thermal conductivity of up to 0.9 W/(m°C), so mathematically speaking, some of our body heat was conserved to prevent hypothermia.

The local wildlife was a welcome guest during our nocturnal resting period. The rabbit that approached us at 6 a.m. was kind enough to be quiet as it approached. In fact, we couldn’t be sure what kind of wildlife approached us as we slept, but at least we know that they

In summary, I would have to give the establishment a rating of 4.3 out of 5. The courtesy was second to none, but the lack of feeling in my toes leads me to believe that they should have invested in standard sleeping apparatuses rather than a brick wall and some dirt if they wanted anyone to sleep there. That was a small price to pay for the fresh air and companionship provided by the wildlife.

I only hope that our Civil friends had such a pleasant experience in their heated rooms that came equipped with cable, but I am confident that they had the short end of the stick.

overall rating: 4.3 out of 5

BRO, USE PROTECTION!

Jessica Padski

... It’s been nine months since the Valentine’s Day Issue