The Green Issue by The Plumber's Faucet

The Plumber’s

Faucet

The Green Issue

VOLUME XXXI ISSUE X March 11th, 2015

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 10

CONTRIBUTERS

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Editor-In-Chief

It seems whenever I write directly to you, the reader, there is something brand new and exciting that you just have to be a part of; almost to the point of belaboring the excitement altogether. Well, forget anything I’ve said before. If there’s one thing you should listen to me about, it’s this; 50 Shades of Green Blues Pub: 50 Shades Greener is the most important event of the semester, hell, the year. I can’t spoil all the surprises, but let it be known that there are well over the promised 50 shades of green. From leprechauns to green poutine, if its related to St.Patrick’s Day it will be there, and so should you.

Malcolm McClintock

Layout Editors David Bailey

Writers

Eddy Safar David Bailey Daniel Galef Heydar Ensha Malcolm McClintock Liam Duff-Meadwell Arman Izadi

Illustrators

Lucy Zhang Malcolm McClintock David Bailey

Support

Ashkaan Mohtashami

Disclaimer

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints

The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

The Plumber’s Faucet vol. 31 no. 10

Enough pandering. This issue is chalk full of St.Paddy’s content. The amount of green is sickening, enough to make you go green yourself, or it would be, if we printed in color. Looking for some erotica to inspire your love life? Page 7 has got you covered, following the naive Anastasia through her sexual bildungsroman. Codename “The Sultry Stout,” this article was created by the fans of the Faucet for the fans of the Faucet. It’s that time of year again, that nice lull between midterm madness and fruitless finals (alliteration is important to me, ok?). With the Faculty Olympics having begun and MERTW 2 on the horizon, students drinking more beer in a night than most do in a month (see page 14). The Faucet sends wishes the best for that girl who’s going to lose her cell phone, that coord who is going to drink a bit too much, and the poor U0 who had to wash puke out of their hair because of the coord who went to far. Drink, be merry, and be safe on St. Paddy’s Day.

Malcolm Mc clintock

Wednesday, March 11th, 2015 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

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March 11th, 2015

Google’s Sexiest Holidays? by Liquid Giggles Everyone knows that Cupid and Valentine’s Day are all about sex and masturbation. But seeing that it is the season of green, have you ever wondered how Leprechauns and St. Patrick measure up? And what about the other holidays? I decided that it was my duty as a Fauceteer to figure it out.

4. “Labour Day Porn” Hits: 15200

12. “Labor Day Porn” Hits: 3120

Our American cousins aren’t See #12. Clearly we are more prolific getting it off on their day off. here in the Commonwealth. You should have never left America. 13. “Mother’s Day Porn” Hits: 2970

5. “Easter Bunny Porn”

See #2. Clearly people don’t like thinking about mommy when they Easter rabbits breed like... well, are taking care of business. rabbits, and like Santa, they go to every home in the world in a single 14. “Fourth of July Porn” Now, pornos are all about sex night. But I suppose people are more Hits: 2570 and masturbation, so I decided willing to get kinky with a Jolly old fat Fireworks are the only things that that the most objective measure man than a carrot chewing rodent. will be going off tonight... to determine the sexiness of a holiday would be to do a simple 6. “Thanksgiving Porn” 15. “St. Patrick’s Day Porn” Google search, and look at the Hits: 11800 Hits: 2070 number of results. Put a phrase Americans and Canadians alike are Yup, the Guinness-dick is setting in like “Leprechaun porn” in Google truly thankful for the internet., hard. Or should I say soft? with quotation marks, and see how many hits you get. Our next 7. “Family Day Porn” 16. “Super Bowl Sunday Porn” Hits: 4770 Hits: 486 project will be to investigate some Mom, dad, sis I have a better idea of those hits, but for the time being, Especially if you are a fan of the here is a list of the sexiest holidays! than going for a picnic and playing Seahawks. board games.

1. “Santa Porn” Hits: 113000

8. “Cupid Porn” Hits: 4630

17. “Auld Lang Syne Porn” Hits: 152

This guy can visit every house on Just in case you still haven’t gotten That arrow isn’t the only thing Earth in a night. You can bet he is over that old acquaintance. he’s going to pierce you with. the biggest star of porno industry.

2. “Father’s Day Porn” Hits: 102000

Forget the toolset, you know what to get him.

3. “Groundhog Day Porn”

9. “Tooth Fairy Porn” Hits: 4480

For those who like it toothy.

10. “Leprechaun Porn” Hits: 3890

18. “Martin Luther King, Jr. Day Porn”

I don’t think he meant that kind of dream.

19. “Washington’s Birthday

Respectable, but I think a lot Porn” of people are falling victim to Hits: 1 For anyone who attended the Guinness-dick on the 17th. Faucet’s Groundhog Day Rager, it I guess “Happy birthday Mr. will come as no surprise that this is 11. “Memorial Day Porn” President” only applies to so highly ranked. Kennedy. Hits: 3030

America, no!

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 10

7 Deadly Engineering Sins - Part 1 by Brother Woody Brother Woody with minimal help from Brother Cuddly Bear You! Yes, you! The person reading this article right now! Why aren’t you studying? Why are you reading this? Don’t you have an assignment to do? Or a project to start? Or a paper to write? I mean it’s bad enough that you’re probably going to see your friends tonight even though you have a quiz in your 8:30 class tomorrow, but wasting your time *now*, for shame my friend. For. Shame. (*Editor’s note: I don’t know where he’s going with this.) In order to ensure that you do well upon (eventual) graduation and avoid engineering hell (read: unemployment), I will tell you about the first half of the 7 Deadly Engineering Sins and leave it to you to figure out which you’re most guilty of. Beware all sinners:

Sloth

Sloth is having three unfinished assignments due for the next day even though you’ve literally had 3 weeks to do all three of them. Sloth is not entering the gym because the walk up the hill is enough of a workout. Sloth is binge-watching every season of Friends (now on Netflix) in the middle of midterm season. Sloth is the reason why this article is in this issue and not the last … two. Hypothetically. Sloth is the first and most widely committed sin in engineering. It is a commonly known fact (*Editor’s note: not commonly known) that the average McGill Engineering student owns a Netflix account

or downloads movies illegally off of Napster (citation needed). So how do we solve this conundrum? How do we make people do their assignments, or go to their classes? I suggested whipping, but the editor quickly shot that idea down due to some bullshit battery laws. Contrapasso: Groundhog Day, except instead of a single day it’s a year, and that year is in fact your last year before graduating over and over again.

Gluttony

Gluttony is buying 5 samosas knowing you can only realistically handle one. Gluttony is bingedrinking every morning to stymie that hang-over you’ve been nursing for months now. Gluttony is getting smashed and then convincing yourself that a Plumber’s Down is a good idea at Blues Pub. Gluttony is only going to events that serve free food. Gluttony is trolling the McConnell tabling area for cheap pastries between every single class.

eating habits. He started with a pastry and a coffee, and once that was done immediately left and returned with a bag of gummy bears. Once he single-handedly finished the bag, he left again and returned with 3 samosas which he immediately scarfed down with a soda. Only then did Brother Woody open his packed lunch.) Contrapasso: Insatiable Hunger and funds that run out way too quickly

3. Greed Greed is downloading a movie illegally while it’s still in theatres. Greed is only going to events where they serve free food (*Editor’s note: you already used this). Greed is only signing up for free services online. Alternatively, greed is buying 15 Apple products and complaining about school fees. Greed is loaning a friend money and then charging interest. Greed is the reason we became engineers to begin with (the short-term plan). Greed is thankfully not as widely spread in engineering as it is, say, in management. While that may be true, too many of our brothers and sisters are quick to forget morals in favor of making some quick cash. “Pay me 40$ and I’ll do your simple programming assignment for you.” The worst part is that that money often doesn’t even get spent on essentials. That 40$ gets immediately spent at Blues Pub.

We’ve all done it, you see that last slice of pizza and you realize that you want it. You. Want. It. Well you can’t have it. You’re on that diet. Or maybe you feel stressed. Regardless both are very good reasons to sum up every bit of strength you have and resist that gorilla on your back whispering in your ear. Freshman 50 doesn’t have to be a law. It is your job to control yourself, and make yourself a better person as a result.

4. Lust

(*Editor’s note: I actually watched Brother Woody as he was writing this article and noticed his

Lust is going to Century Club because you figured you may as well get laid tonight. Lust is

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Contrapasso: Permanent Credit Card Denial

March 11th, 2015 starting out in a monogamous relationship and ending in an open one. Lust is turning on YouPorn every 15 minutes as a “study break.” Lust is swiping right at every single Tindr profile (*Editor’s Note: or Grindr, the Faucet values inclusiveness). Lust is the basis behind the NursingEngineering Party. Horny much? Listen, I get it: You can’t stop yourself. You see that hot... mediocre... meh piece of ass with a nice personality and you just want to get some. It often doesn’t even matter who it is. It could be your best-friend from high school, or some good-looking (beer-goggles notwithstanding) guy or girl you’ve gotten to know

by rubbing your crotches together (*Editor’s Note: Brother Woody obviously doesn’t go to clubs very often). “Oh yeah, I don’t like hooking up at clubs,” they say as they proceed to devour that person in front of you. Contrapasso: Every member of your preferred gender will discover the love of their life immediately upon talking to you. And it’s always someone else. Heed my words brothers and sisters. Although much more can be said about these sins and the reason why people (*Editor’s Note: namely Brother Woody ) commit them, I must leave you here. I have other plans for tonight and will return in the

next issue to discuss the last and most deadly three sins . (*Editor’s Note: Please no. Also, knowing that he has 2 projects to finish for the next day, Brother Woody plans to go out tonight. On the menu: Gambling, drinking copious amounts of beer, spending over 300$ on food for himself and the girl he’s schmoozing, trying to hook-up with said girl, failing miserably, and drowning himself in more beer.) In the name of the Plumber, the Pot and the Holy Faucet . Part 2 will be featured in Issue 11

A Plumber’s Pot Relapse January 26th, 1977 One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to try and get a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli Amp and tool her for a ride in his megacycle. They rode across the wheatstone bridge, around the sine wave, and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current. Micro Farad, attracted by Milli’s characteristic curves, soon had his resistance at a minimum, his field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her capacitance, and bulled out his high voltage probe. He

inserted it into her socket, connecting them in parallel and began to shot circuit her shunt. Fully excited, Milli Amp said, “Mho, Mho, give me Mho.” With his tube operating at a maximum peak, her coil vibrating from the current flow, she soon reached her maximum peak as well. The excess current flow had gotten her hot, and Micro Farad was rapidly discharged and drained of every electron. They fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets until his bar magnet had lost all its field strength. Afterwards, Milli

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amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoid. With his battery fully discharge, Micro Farad was unable to excite his generator, so they ended by reversing polarity and lowing each others’ fuses. WATT A NIGHT!

by Eddie Current

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 10

The Canadian National Holiday You Probably Just Missed by Lorenzo von Matterhorn Yep, you heard me right. Chances are you might have let an important holiday go by without even paying your respects! As you might be aware, I take great pride in informing newbies and international students about the greatness that is Canada. I’ve already covered some of the basics, such as Thanksgiving and food (some of my other Canadian life-hacks, unfortunately, couldn’t be shared due to the threat of litigation). I had hoped to publish this article sooner, so that I could warn you all about this special day, but alas, the manager at Tim Horton’s asked me to start working nights and I therefore have had no time for writing. I don’t actually work at Tim Horton’s (never have), but I thought it would be rude to refuse his request. In any case, I couldn’t warn you all about this holiest of days, but hopefully, by mentioning it now, you will be well and prepared next year. I’m talking, of course, about the NHL trade deadline. The NHL trade deadline is a tradition thousands of years old. The first instance of trading, historians believe, was observed 150,000 years ago, when Helgar and Borgol exchanged similarly sized stones. This trade was then reported to the Cavemen Rock Association (CRA) and a team of 20 experts analyzed and broadcasted this trade using grunts and hand signals to an audience of over 30 cavemen. Historians unanimously agree that this was the most important event in the earth’s history, edging out the appearance of the first mammals and the invention of cronuts. It would later be adapted

into the popular children’s show, The Flinstones. For many years, trading happened without regulation. Many conned and cheated their way to rip off unsuspecting victims. One day, a young man was traded from the Bethlehem Bulldogs to the Jerusalem Jersey Boys, forcing him to leave his terminally ill mother at home. That man’s name was Jesus Christ. His mother died shortly after, and Jesus would spend the rest of his life fighting to implement stricter trade guidelines. These actions cost him his life, but not before he inscribed them onto stone tablets in what is now known as the Ten Commandments (of Trading), which can be found in full on the NHL website. In honor of those who came before us, we celebrate the NHL trade deadline in a variety of different ways. The entire first week of March is a national holiday in Canada set aside for celebrations related to the trade deadline. Signed into law on July 1st, 1867 by Sir John A. MacDonald, the NHL trade deadline has been a joyous and festive holiday for over 150 years. However, in recent times, many have come forward and complained about the use of the term “NHL trade deadline” when referring to the first week of March. Most of these complaints are from those who believe that the NHL trade deadline isn’t the true deadline, instead pointing to the NBA trade deadline or soccer transfer windows as the true deadlines. In light of these complaints, the Canadian government has changed

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the official name of deadline week to more neutral, unbiased terms such as ‘Reading Week’ or ‘Spring Break’. This explains why, in the McGill calendar, it is referred to as Reading Week, an equity issue I have brought up with the administration multiple times. In this author’s professional opinion, the history and tradition associated with the NHL trade deadline is too great to just throw aside, no matter how offended the easily offendable may be. Nevertheless, in the name of cultural relativity, I believe we should do what’s polite (we are Canadian after all) and change the name to something less sensitive so as to not upset others (I mean have you seen basketball players? They’re giants). These days, celebrations for ‘Reading Week’ (wink) are very relaxed. You can find most Canadians lounged in front of their TVs with a hot cup of cocoa listening to the 85 experts on TSN analyze, discuss and report trades. When the repetition and pure boredom hits (after James Duthie announces the same trade for the 10th straight time), Canadians retire to their rooms to turn in. They repeat this process the next day for an entire week. Like any cultural tradition, this can be difficult to follow or observe if you’re not accustomed to it. If you are from another country, you best grab a seat, nod politely and pretend you’re in Mexico instead of below freezing Canada. After all, a man was tortured and executed for the trade deadline. It’s only fair that we feel his pain as well.

March 11th, 2015

The Sultry Stout

by Ketchup me if you can(2), Set Phasers to Pun(3), Beauty and the Blackout(4) , and Harold Mc Legs(5) Anastasia polished off her Guinness, and looked towards the barman. The fellow was dressed in green, had a thick red beard, and enormous hands - the type that could pour 4 cans of Kilkenny simultaneously. There were also other things they could do, things the shrimpy Christian Grey never could. For a moment they locked eyes, and Anastasia knew it was going to be a good night. But first, she needed another Guinness. After downing her drink, along with at least a dozen others (for there was as much Guinness to be had as there was sexual tension, between Anastasia and the mysterious barman), she stumbled towards him. “How would you like to go for a round of ‘Pin the condom on the Leprechaun?’ “ Anastasia asked him as seductively as she could, whilst nibbling on a pickle

she had pulled out of a woman’s most secretive and sacred place – her purse. Her inner goddess was quite smashed at this point, but was radiant nonetheless. Or maybe that was just the Guinness getting to her cheeks. (2) The bartender, Richard McLargehuge studied the woman in the forest hue from a distance. Even from her perch near the DJ booth he could see her turn her eyes away at each turn they met. He could sometimes catch her eyeing his hard liquor as he bent the bottles flat across the table. Clearly, a girl who knew her slippery nipples were best saved for after his shift. Her ID at the bar read, “Engineering”, which puzzled him. 13 beers, and the prices were about to go up… maybe she was driving, or maybe, she wanted to remember what happened next. (3)

50 Shades Mad Lib!

2:30am, last call. Anastasia sat down at the bar and tried to quiet the blurry buzz in her head. The burly bartender glanced in her direction as he poured himself another full glass of Bailey’s. She took a deep breath and raised her trembling hand. He lumbered over in the sexual way that only a man with a 8 inch beard could and asked in a deep woody voice, “What can I do for you?” Anastasia’s pulse quickened. What could he do for her indeed? (4) Before either McLargehuge or Anastasia knew what they were doing, the beer room door was closed. Guinness was opened as clothing came off; first the shirt*pffzz*, then the green chords*pffzz*, and so on. McLargehuge had his trusty Faucet condom in hand, as he, Anastasia, and Guinness joined together in a trio, the likes of which the world has never seen. (5)

Fill this out, then see pg. 13

1. adjective ____________________________ 2. city name___________________________ 3. first name___________________________ 4. last name ___________________________ 5. noun_______________________________ 6. adjective____________________________ 7. type of building ______________________ 8. noun_______________________________ 9. noun_______________________________ 10. type of room________________________ 11. noun, plural_________________________ 12. colour _____________________________

13. number___________________________ 14. adjective __________________________ 15. noun _____________________________ 16. noun _____________________________ 17. verb _____________________________ 18. verb ending in -ing __________________ 19. somthing you yell___________________ 20. body part _________________________ 21. body part _________________________ 22. noun _____________________________ 23. noun _____________________________ 24. body part _________________________

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 10

Backpacking on a Budget by Liquid Giggles Well, the summer is coming up, and some of you no doubt have plans to go on an adventure to some farflung part of the earth. It’s time to get some real adventure before you get a job, which only allows you two weeks per year to leave your cubicle and visit your family. And besides, if you didn’t get an internship for the summer, it’s a lot better to be able to say you travelled than to say that you spent your time playing Xbox and masturbating in your parents’ basement. Now, the main reason that people avoid travel is the cost. But if you’re smart, it doesn’t need to cost you a penny. There are a lot of minimalist travel blogs that will show you how to travel on a shoestring budget, but we students often can’t even afford shoestrings. Therefore, we at the Faucet have prepared the ultimate travel guide, which will help you roam the world for absolutely nothing!

hands off the thermostat and stop whining about the temperature, you’ll survive.

Other Gear You should try to bring a passport, but you need to pay fees to the government to get one of those. There are many ways across the border, and doing border crossings on hard-mode adds additional excitement to your trip. For example, if you get in cahoots with drug smugglers (see the section on making money), they will either give you a passport or give you instructions on how to cross. Also, you should probably bring some sort of luggage bag. Your school bag is fine, but a McGill bookstore bag or Provigo bag will probably be just as ok. You can use the bag to carry spare food, contraceptives, booze, drugs, and just about everything else you need, which isn’t much.

Clothing to Bring What are you wearing right now? Chances are it’s all you need. Some people recommend bringing just a couple changes of high quality odour-masking clothing, but that’s just aesthetics. A shirt is a shirt and pants are pants. You ever hear of a shirt breaking? Clothing gets dirty and smelly, but you can live with that. Jump in the Ganges if it gets too bad. You might also be concerned that your clothes are too warm or cold for the climate you are headed too. Well listen, you sound just like my grandmother – get your

Vaccinations Vaccinations claim to protect you from such diseases as dengue fever, but they are sure to cause autism. And if you know the science behind vaccinations, you know that they are just injecting you with something that mimics a virus so that your body can learn how to defend it. But there’s no training like the real thing, so you’re probably better off skipping the vaccines and saving yourself the money. Besides, if travel vaccines were really important, why wouldn’t Medicare cover them? It’s not like our government would neglect to provide cost-effective tools for saving Canadian lives just because they are crossing the border. Vaccines are nothing but hyped-up homeopathy.

Getting Around When you are travelling by land, hitchhiking is the most reliable way to travel. Have your most attractive travel companion hail cars while you hide in the bushes, then reveal yourself once someone has pulled over. Don’t worry if the person offering the ride seems sketchy, because you are probably sketchier. If you can’t hitchhike because your destination is across the ocean, you have a couple options. The riskier option is to stowaway. Sneak into a shipping container full of food if you want to travel by sea, or stow yourself in the undercarriage of an airplane.

Typical minimalist backpacking gear An EUS Publication

A safer option to travel takes a bit of work, but is less dangerous. What you need to do is join a dating site in the destination of your choice, and use pictures of a very attractive

March 11th, 2015 man or woman as your profile pic (you can find these pictures via Google search, or by stalking my Facebook). Build a relationship, and pluck the heartstrings of the lonely foreigner until he or she agrees to buy you a plane ticket to visit him or her. Your final option is organized crime, which we will get to shortly.

Ultra-economy class seats Eating To find free food, employ the same techniques that you apply back at McGill. Mimic hobos at soup kitchens, hunt around for events on university campuses, and root around in dumpsters outside restaurants. The dine-and-dash is also a great strategy if you aren’t staying in town long. You can also use dating websites

or Tinder to set up an impromptu date, and let them feed you a bit of the local flavor, feed you a bit of the “local flavor”, and provide you with overnight accommodations – all 100% free (see next section).

Accommodations Accommodations are overrated. We have already established that you shouldn’t worry too much about personal hygiene, so a hotel room basically boils down to a warm place to lie down. Well guess what, there are flat places to lie down everywhere, all over the world, and most of them are pretty warm during the summer. Public parks, beaches, subway stations, police stations, etc. ; the world is your oyster, and oysters sleep well. As we briefly touched upon earlier, if you really want some extra comfort, aim for the hookup. In most cultures, you can receive free accommodation and food from someone in exchange for sleeping with them. Simply hit up a dating site or hang around a local bar. Don’t get hung up on your “standards” – you are screwing for a warm bed, not pleasure, and you probably look like a mess anyway.

Money Try as you might, there will be situations where you need a little bit of money, such as paying that fine for sleeping on the park bench.

=$30-100/night =$0/night Printed at Copi-EUS

Fortunately for you, there are ways to pick up petty cash along the way. The first strategy is to bring a hat. Carry it in front of you wherever you go, and rest it by your body while you are sleeping. For some reason, people will throw money into it. They tend to throw more as your trip progresses, as you become more dishevelled. The second strategy is to have sex with people. I mentioned in the previous section that you can do this to get accommodations, but I have found that if you start looking for sex on street corners or in the vicinity of third-rate universities like Concordia, people will give you money to sleep with them, as if it is an obligation in that part of town. You get sex and money - that’s what I call a win-win. A final strategy is to smuggle. You are crossing borders constantly while you are travelling, and you can act like a delivery service for any one of dozens of libertarian businessmen around the globe. If you make the right connections, you can find someone who will not only pay for your transportation, but will also give you money on the side to move packages across borders. They usually bring you across via channels where you can avoid customs too. Now that is travelling with style!

Conclusion And there you have it – travelling without a budget is simple. Toss away your inhibitions, toss away your shame, and get out there. Remember that everyone speaks English if you speak loudly enough, and that the best way to catch the local culture is to ride bareback!

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 10

Fine There’s Low Crime Rate But What About The High Rate of Puddle Formation? by Yolanda Ensha

Imagine a world where the year is 1836, where it may be March 17th because science is not too sure. Twitter was only created in 2006 so our view on humanity’s records are limited. It is on this day that Montreal’s second mayor, the first anglophone mayor, Peter McGill, commented on the cultural importance of the St. Patrick’s Society of Montreal. The St. Patrick’s Society of Montreal is arguably the oldest fraternal organization in Canada, serving as the first collective leader to the Irish community in Montreal. In 2006 the census tweeted that about 5.5% of Quebecers (406,085 Quebecers) identified as having Irish descent; that is to say, there’s a substantial number of Irish Quebecers in Montreal. And you can bet your bottom dollars that a lot less Irish identifying Quebecers will be at the parade this year, while some probably won’t identify as Irish at all. The 192nd annual St. Patrick’s Day parade will take place March 22, 2015 on Rue St. Catherine leaving from the corner of Rue du Fort at noon and will continue until Phillips Square for however long a 192nd annual St Patrick’s Day parade takes place in downtown Montreal. A notable highlight this year in the parade’s organization is the continued partnership with . This continuation will follow with the 2015 St Patrick’s Day Survival Guide, an “informative yet fun guide,” helping everyone celebrate responsibly.

A doodle of the poodle punching puddle.

The Survival Guides will be available in all SAQ outlets in the Greater Montreal area as well as many CEGEPs. The Guides will also be in many suburban municipalities and even the Montreal Police Department. And of course, you may find the Guide in most of the Irish pubs in the city. It is with the Guide’s stress in safety that I would like to transition to the topic of general safety in Montreal, the topic of prime interest to me. There is strong evidence that Montreal is one of the safest cities in Canada in terms of crime and I’m not arguing otherwise. Crime rates are falling and they have been declining since 1992 and have never been lower. But, the increase of puddles in Montreal is just too high to ignore. The weather is getting warmer. It’s no longer -20˚C so it’s practically summer and as such the snow is beginning to melt, creating horrid monstrosities of murky oblong shapes that wait by our heels and swallow up children when no one is looking. If you look into the black reflection you will see yourself in the darkest reality, where Twitter has not been invented. I don’t wish to reflect that I am ungrateful for the warmer temperatures. I am a simple human of modest means. I like Twitter as much as the next human. All I am saying is that there are too many gosh darn puddles and no one seems to be up in arms about it. In a recent poll I conducted on Twitter, 18 people favorited my tweet asking if they’ve seen an alarmingly high increase in puddles. There were also 4 retweets but I’m not sure how to analyze those. Even people on the street have noticed these dubious bodies of water sneak up on people. One student, Robert Heddy exclaimed, “PUDDLES! TOO MANY PUDDLES!” Heddy had recently ruined his favorite pair of “nice khakis” by, to his befuddlement, walking straight into one of these hellish lagoons. This may be a popular opinion, I may not be taking a minority stance; but why am I the only one brave enough to publish my legal name as I verbally and physically tackle these puddles head on? Do we sit quietly in ankle biting water and let every single

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March 11th, 2015 muddy puddle ruin each one of our nice khakis. I, for one, will not stand in ankle biting water each time I stand in line at The Gap to buy more nice khakis. Save our khakis and drive away these puddles. Everyone has a torch to burn and this one is mine. This is my tweet in life. This is my burden. This is my message. I don’t normally impose my opinions onto the public, but I feel this is one cause where I cannot sit quietly in this metaphorical puddle. I have been given a soap box and it would be a salty disservice to not make us of it. This Saint Patrick’s Day, I beg of you to ruminate on the condition of our world where our feet ingest a high caloric intake of muddy puddles. Please be safe. Please follow Yolanda on Twitter @PuddlesBeware and use the hashtag #toomanypuddles to warn fellow comrades.

The Irishman vs. The Engineer

bar, a portly fellow with a green waistcoat and buckled top hat came staggering across the room. In a slurred, thick Irish drawl, the man boomed “Ye there lad. Why so glum? It’s a time to be merry and drink with yer boys. Why ye shetten der wid yer empty glass and sullen face? Cahm awn lad, les drink it off widya.” And he motioned for the bartender to pour two beers. “Alright then”, the engineer replied, rolling up his sleeves. “I’ll drink with you; better yet, I’ll show you how real men drink”. The Irishman’s brow shot up and he guffawed like a wheezing water buffalo. “You?? Teach me how to drink? Ye must be off yer rocker mate”, the Irishman chortled. “Then match me!”, the rosy-cheeked engineer replied with a sly grin. Sternly, the Irishman sat up, more fearsome than before. “Alright then ye arrogant bastard. If it’s a drink-off ye want, a drink-off yel get” And so the two sat and whiled away their time till the wee hours of the morning, chugging beer after lager after shot until the somber sound of “Last Call!” rolled around.

by Brother Cuddly Bear An Irishman and an Engineer once found a gallon can, “Match me drink fer drink as long as ye can stand” challenged the Irishman. They drank thirty drinks, the Irishman fell, and his face turned sickly green. But the engineer drank on, teasing its only gasoline! This is the tale of the epic skirmish between the battling Irishman and the Rowdy Engineer, and all the consequences that ensued. In the fine city of Dublin, an engineer was commissioned to improve efficiency in the Guinness brewery on Emerald Isle. After the everyday tedium, he would jump from pub to pub in the hopes of drowning his sorrows in the finest liquor around. On one of these nights, as he sat all dreary at the

The engineer, face down at the bar, chuckled and said, “Dammit you’re good”. The Irishman laughed and slurred, “I’ll have another one before we’re done.” And so he did, waving lazily to the barkeep for another pint. He chugged it down; no song and no glory, and as he plopped down his glass, his brow furled in bewilderment. His cheeks turned from pink, to grey, to green as his waistcoat. He gagged, flinging his head aside to deliver his nights work into the conveniently placed puke bag. Amidst the chants of “It’s OK to puke!” he turned to the engineer and said, “I’m done lad”. But this time, it was the engineer who laughed and took three shots more, two pints and a giant beer barrel. The engineer motioned to the amassed crowd for hype as he chugged the whole set, not missing a beat. He stared down at the Irishman’s vomit covered, queasy face and said in dead seriousness, “It’s only gasoline”.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 10

MINUTES FROM THE ‘IT AIN’T EASY BEING GREEN’ SUPPORT GROUP 0451 by Daniel Galef 0400 Meeting called to session by Phil, the group 0405 0415 0416 0416 0417 0418 0419 0420

0423 0424 0425 0426 0427 0445

0447 0448 0449 0450

leader. Introduction to the group of two new members, Lucky and Slimer. Slimer insinuates that he and his friend are green to the group. Slimer is informed by the leader that this support group will not tolerate blue humor. Slimer apologizes to Phil. Phil once again urges the members of the group to call him Dr. Phanatic. Phil stresses that he has a degree in economics, so it’s legit. A crack is made by Slimer that Phil must know all about the green. Slimer is given his first unofficial, off-record verbal warning, and informed that seven more and he will be issued an unofficial but on-record verbal warning which will count as a half-marker toward his first strike. He is told that the group is a bond of trust between individuals in similar trying situations, and as such will not tolerate shenanigans like simpleminded jokes that may be associated with a common band of ruffians or whatever motley crew Slimer is more accustomed to hanging about with. Slimer insists that the group is very far from a motley crew. Slimer is issued his second unofficial warning. Lucky attempts to get conversation back on track by reminding Phil about economics. Lucky is punched in the nose by the Green Goblin. Phil resumed talking about economics. At the mention of the concept of ultrasuperiority and Veblen Goods, the Green-Eyed Monster begins drooling uncontrollably and throwing chairs. Phil urges the Green Monster to calm down. Lucky notes that Phil must surely mean the Green-Eyed Monster, not the Green Monster. Phil embarrassedly explains that the two look very much alike. Lucky notes that the Green-Eyed Monster is an abstract emotional concept, while the Green Monster is a thirty-seven-foot wood, tin, and

concrete edifice. Slimer says the debate has hit a wall. 0452 Phil says Slimer is driving him up the wall. 0453 Slimer laughs. 0454 Slimer receives his third unofficial warning. 0455 The Green Monster protests Phil’s mistake, saying he’s worked with Phil for decades. 0456 The Green-Eyed Monster protests the mistake, then asks again about economic supply-proof luxury positional goods. 0457 Slimer says they sound good. 0458 The Green-Eyed Monster leaves with his wife, the Green-Eyed Lady. 0459 The Green Monster leaves with his husband, Sulley. 0500 Phil leaves the group and walks into the back room, muttering. 0510 Awkward silence. 0520 Discussion is again stimulated when Lucky is chosen by popular vote as interim leader. 0530 Slimer disrupts electoral procedure by saying that Lucky only won because of his charm. 0535 It is discovered that no one remembers how to properly issue warnings under the codes. 0545 Lucky raises the topic of a group potluck. 0550 The Green Giant proposes that in future all support group potlucks be vegan. 0552 The Green Goblin disagrees, and there is a skirmish. 0600 The Hulk and the Martian Manhunter arrive to escort the Goblin off premises. 0610 Phil returns from the back room and tips Lucky out of his chair. 0620 The Green Fairy arrives late, cut-crystal reservoir glass in hand, and vomits on Lucky. 0621 It is suggested by Slimer that the Fairy looks a little green about the gills. 0622 Phil departs from standard procedure and ejects Slimer from the group effective immediately. 0623 Slimer says he didn’t expect to have to walk the green mile. 0624 Slimer is urged once again to vacate. 0625 Slimer telephones “Bashful” Inky, a school friend, for a ride. 0645 Slimer is picked up by a squadron of limbless pigs wearing helmets and pursued by birds. 0655 Two attorneys claiming to represent the Muppets Show serve a cease and desist letter. 0700 Weekly group meeting adjourned by Phil.

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March 11th, 2015

Fifty Shades of 12.__________________

by Liquid giggles Anastasia looked out the window of the cab at the 1. ____________ city of 2. _____________. She was headed to interview 3. ___________ 4. ____________, the world’s richest 5.___________. This was her first interview, and Anastasia was absolutely 6.____________. The cab drove up to the 4.____________ building, the largest 7.___________ in Montreal. 4.__________ had made a fortune as a 5._____________, and it showed. Anastasia got out of the cab, entered the building, and took the 8.____________ up to the top floor. She was greeted by a 9.____________ who smiled and told her to wait in the 10.____________. Anastasia sat and admired the 11.______________ on the walls. The room was coloured in various shades of 12._______________ - about 50 of them. After a moment’s wait, she was ushered into 4.____________’s office. 4._____________ was the sort of man who would stand out in a crowd - he was 13._________ feet tall, had 14.____________ eyes, and was wearing a fine Italian 15.____________. Anastasia was instantly attracted to him. The interview was brief, and sexual 16.___________ hung heavy in the air. When all her questions were complete, 4.____________ said he had a question for her. “Anastasia, I would like to get to 17.___________ you more. Would you like to go 18.____________ with me later tonight? ***12 hours later*** “19.____________! 19._____________!” screamed Anastasia, as 4.___________ continued to move his 20.____________ in an out of her 21.______________. “No, don’t scream 19._____________. Not yet. Not until after the 22.______________.” 4._____________ reached into his drawer, and took out a 22._______________. Anastasia smiled and licked her lips as 4.______________ started to caress her 21._____________ with the 22._______________. His pace quickened, and he moved it rapidly in and out of her 21._______________, until Anastasia finally orgasmed. “Alright, that is enough for tonight. I went soft for now, but next time it might get more intense”. 4._____________ opened up a drawer in a nightstand, and held up a 23.____________. Imagining the 23._____________ deep inside her 24._____________, Anastasia smiled. She couldn’t wait.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 10

A Day of 40 Beers: A Blurry Recap We are, we are, we are, we are, we are the engineers, We can, we can, we can, we can, demolish 40 beers!

Kilkenny combatants. That’s nearly half the water content of a person. You take your friend, cut ‘em in half and turn them to booze and drink it in a day, that’s what the 40 Beer Challenge is all It’s been said, but has it been about. done? A joint soiree, hosted by The Plumber’s Faucet and The Plumber’s Ledger, put this notorious chant to the test. It was a dusky midnight eve where a squad of engineers, as brave as they were foolish, gathered to begin The Day of 40 Beers. It started like a shanghai shootout: Brotherly beer pong bonanza guns ablazing. Cheers all around, chants galore, and more than a After trekking from few drinking games proved that Mulqueen’s Den to Gobbler’s this crew had the hearts and Knob, the sun began to shine its minds of engineers. unwelcomed face on the now Yet, unlike most events where smaller pack of engineers. What the goal is to score, or for others, better place to bask in the glory to hold their beer, there was a of a new day than at the top of mission. After a pre-dawn feast of Mont Royal. Truly, I’ve never seen Boustan, it became clear that not a sight more euphoric than the everyone was going to make it; no blurry grey skyline of Montreal man left behind is unfortunately against the blurry white and pink just a cliché. 40 beers equates dawn. After that, I think I had a to 13.6L for any bottle battlers, lot of fun, and I’ll let you know or 17.6 L for the Guinness and when I figure it out.

I imagine there was laughter and drinking games and camaraderie galore, for the mess I woke up to was glorious. Friends on the ground, friends on the bed, friends on friends in obscure places. The beer had settled and, it seemed, so had the dream; or for a while, at least. Only a handful remained, and the last stretch seemed bleaker (and still blurry) than it had just a few hours back. Could we prove our worth? All of those chants must mean something, right? Where’s my cell phone? So many questions to be answered.

Yet two iron-stomached souls stood above the rest, leaping and bounding towards the finish line. It came down to the last ten minutes, chugging and chanting and more chugging. It was as if the lady Godiva was in the room, holding back their hair whilst pouring the next beer. It is with great pleasure that The Plumber’s Faucet can confirm the strength of will and stomach

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March 11th, 2015 of these two golden engineers; congratulations to Austin L’Ecuyar and Justin Beaveridge for demolishing 40 Beers. It’s like to be a tradition for The Faucet, so please join us next year if you’d like to take on two cases of liquidy goodness. Signing off with a weak 25 beers,

-Malcolm McClintock

(top) The Leprechaun who had his day

Our victors in all their glory; Justin Beaveridge (left) Austin L’Ecuyar (right)

Statue Shenanigans

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Sleep is for the weak

The Plumberâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 10

An EUS Publication