The SMOO SMOO Train Issue

The Plumber’s

Faucet

The SMOO SMOO Train Issue

VOLUME XXXI ISSUE XI April 1st, 2015

2

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 11

CONTRIBUTERS

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Editor-In-Chief

It’s been a political few weeks; with department elections in the air and an eerily engaging SSMU election, it seems as though McGillians are beginning to take an interest in students politics.

In Canadian affairs, McGill is burdened with a reputation of inaction. Just a few blocks away Concordia is replete with student efficacy; as austerity protests fill Montreal news, Concordia sits at the helm of political awareness while McGill sits on its hands. But at least we become interested when it comes to paying rent or other libelous claims with no backing! Then we’re all ears!

Malcolm McClintock

Layout Editors

David Bailey Katharine Callahan Liam Duff-Meadwell

Writers

Daniel Galef Frédérick Chagnon Katharine Callahan Arman Izadi Caroline Giacomin Malcolm McClintock Neil DenToom David Bailey

Illustrators

MILO (cover) Morgan Mattone Malcolm McClintock

Support

Ashkaan Mohtashami

Disclaimer

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature.

For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints

The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

The Plumber’s Faucet vol. 31 no. 11

Wednesday, April 1st, 2015 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

Let me step down from my soap box and readjust my hands into the Merkel diamond of power. Just because there are some serious budget cuts going on for the coming years doesn’t mean the Faucet is going to stop being the Faucet. We’re going to keep anonymously poking fun at McGill’s shortcomings like usual! The aforementioned SSMU drama is like a half naked porn star in Piranha 3DD, there’s too much blood to pass up. The Faucet is currently working on producing a live action film entitled SSMU: The Motion Picture, the script of which starts on page 4.

We’ve done it, we’ve made it to the last month.

Finals are going to be here before you can say “Man I really didn’t think this through I should’ve stayed bak home like everybody said.” But finals can wait just a bit longer; today marks a day of hoodwinking, trickery, bamboozling, and all forms of foolishness. Of course I’m referring to April Fools’ Day. So I implore the eager readers among you who pick this up in time- hell, even you pick it up in a day or a week- go cause some shenanigans.

Simple vandalism is weak sauce, go for bigger, more elaborate pranks. If you or someone you know is an April Fools’ fanatic, send some pictures and the story to The Faucet. Happy Pranking!

Malcolm Mc clintock An EUS Publication

April 1st, 2015

Gerts deLivers

by Red Light Do Right In these somewhat controversial and dividing times with SSMU Club over the past weeks, there is only one group that will be supported without question: Gerts.

Gerts has created a campuswide delivery service. That’s right, Gerts will be at your beck and call.

We all experience these moments when we have a hankering for a drink -- be it those Schulich 6-pack study sessions, G-Store Irish coffees, or even those early morning 8:30-racks. Now all you have to do is (alco)holler, and within minutes, Gerts will arrive with your drink of choice. Our favourite campus bar will deliver before -- or during -- midterms for that extra bit of liquid courage as well as immediately afterwards.

Upon arriving with their silver platter, a variety of options will be presented to suit the appropriate situation: tequila for celebration, whiskey to drown your sorrows, or even extra rum anticipating your earned free rum and raisin ice cream at Frostbite.

possibility of walking, jogging, or longboarding to the bar across campus. However, there has been an exhaustive study by the Foundation of Alcohol Consumption as an Occupation, or FAC-O, where an overwhelming majority of study participants have admitted to feeling much healthier and alive after FAC-O was completed.

3

necessary for the bartenders to hire a rented fleet of motorized vehicles. This will be done in close partnership with Hertz car rentals, hence the new branding: “Gerts ‘til it Hertz”. This initiative will allow deliveries to be made at a much higher frequency.

Further down the line, as this service chugs along, a delivery solution greater than common vehicles will be required.

Following the concept initially developed by the Parker Brothers in 1935 of the B&O Railroad, Gerts will be developing a large black locomotive to cross campus, to be known as the BlackOut Special.

Have you ever been drinking at Gerts when you’re about to miss your bus, you get a booty call, or you accidentally forget a midterm? Of course you have.

Nobody in their right mind -- or who already spent their tuition money on beer -- wants to leave Though some might say that their precious nectar behind. For Gerts is simply blowing smoke that reason, free of charge, Gerts and the student body expects this will also be offering ‘to go’ cups. project to derail, a sophisticated Further, in the initial stages implementation strategy will of the Gerts call-upon delivery ensure that this initiative is kept system, this service will be on track. By maintaining ties with provided by the Gerts bartenders the Parker Brothers, this will lead themselves on foot or rickshaw. to an unprecedented Short Line No need to worry about leaving for alcohol across campus and the bar unattended, the most people will soon be Reading about qualified customer will be left it as far away as Pennsylvania. in charge -- the one who has So, before we go criticizing consumed the most that day. what SSMU Club is doing on

As the service develops, a campus, just think: when we At this moment, Fit at McGill larger operation will be necessary asked, they delivered. has been giving this idea some to accommodate the demand objection; a delivery service of the McGill community. Past limits the otherwise healthy a certain threshold, it will be

Printed at Copi-EUS

4

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 11

SSMU 2015: THE MOTION PICTURE PART 1

by O.G. Portillo

DRUNK PATRON #1: Have ACT 2, SCENE 1 you guys seen the news?

The agora of Facebook Missed out on all the There’s only one presidential drama from the SSMU Club candidate! The nomination NIKOLAI: No one should feel Elections? Do not worry threatened on our wonderful period is extended! dear SSMU-nizen, the campus. As such, I propose to Faucet has you covered! DRUNK PATRON #2: Who is it? work with the Sexual Assault Ladies and gentlemen, grab DRUNK PATRON #1: The Policy to offer – your popcorn and enjoy the villainous Abdul-Jabbar!

ROSIE: Excuse me!

Plumber’s Faucet official DRUNK PATRON #2: Oh no!

We cinematographic adaption NIKOLAI: -a safer campus of the 2015 SSMU Club can’t suffer through another for everyone and – year of the same regime!

Elections!

If only there was someone ROSIE: Do you really know brave enough to stand up what you are talking about?

ACT 1, SCENE 1 You can’t possibly feel the against the status quo…

AJ and Rosa’s secret lair same kind of oppression that ABDUL-JABBAR: Muahaha, NIKOLAI: Fear not SSMU survivors do. my devious plan is working! comrades! For I will take this I stand unopposed for the burden in the name of all NIKOLAI: That’s not what – throne of SSMU Club! My you! I shall run against AJ TUMBLRINA #1: What am I position will be passed and bring freedom to our really asking is that it looks down from generation to student body! like you’re trying to use the generation! I will lead SSMU DRUNK PATRON #3: What are work of others as part of to greatness! The bestest you doing to do as President? your campaign, since it’s student society in all of obvious that you don’t have NIKOLAI: The only thing that Planet Earth! an intimate knowledge of the matters! Reopen the Redpath issues involved.

ROSA: My lord, I have doors! received grave news from MONICA LEWRENTSKY: Yay! Nikolai for the Electoral office! They are CROWD: (whispers) Not surprising extending the nomination President! for someone who doesn’t period! pay his rent…

ACT 1, SCENE 3 ABDUL-JABBAR: How dare Abdul-Jabbar’s Lair TUMBLRINA #2: I mean he they! Why do such a thing?

ROSA: We have fresh news never got involved with ROSA: I believe it’s in the from the Electoral office! Sexual Assault before, why is name of something called There is another one in the he only trying to start now? “democracy”. running!

TUMBLRINA #1: He’s using ABDUL-JABBAR: That’s an ABDUL-JABBAR: (slams fist our glorious cause to gain his own nefarious purposes ancient concept. Let’s see on table) No! Who is it? only! We would never do that! how it goes. We will not be ROSA: The fearsome Nikolai! denied Rosa; we will sit on TUMBLRINA #2: Oh! the SSMU Throne, no matter ABDUL-JABBAR: Him again! Misogynist pig! what!

He has tried to interfere with our plans before, he cannot TUMBLRINA #1: Misogynist ACT 1, SCENE 2 not win this time. The game pig!

Gerts is on!

MONICA LEWRENTSKY: I heard

An EUS Publication

April 1st, 2015

5

you didn’t pay your rent!

How can you be fiscally CROWD: (whispers) responsible enough to NIKOLAI: Please, remain manage the treasure of calm! I’m not trying to exploit SSMU Club when you can’t anyone’s ideas! I want to help manage your own personal to bring our community finances? together! And NIKOLAI: (sigh) I didn’t wish

minus 8000, where they eat bread, and their trees bleed of sugar.

NIKOLAI: But we’re English university…

NIKOLAI: There. My whole story. What more do you want from me?

he’s not even paying his rent!

YOUNG NIKOLAI: Woah!

When are we leaving?

MOTHER: Soon. Never forget where you came from Nikolai.

People will laugh at you, but QUEBECOIS STUDENT: Oh for it to reach that point, it is still your past. yeah? Then why is your event but fair SSMU-nizens, come only in English? Where’s the closer and grab a tissue, for ACT 2, SCENE 4 it is high time for a story.

French?

The agora of Facebook an

ACT 2, SCENE 2 Abdul-Jabbar’s lair

DUTCH STUDENT: Where’s ABDUL-JABBAR: Do you have the dutch version? updates on our opponent’s MONICA LEWRENTSKY: Your rent!

CHINESE STUDENT: And the advances?

Chinese version?

ROSA: Despite a string of KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR: CROWD: Yeah! Why is controversies, he is still Fear not comrade for your everything only in English! We gaining ground, o supreme words have touched my soul. I shall lift this burden want better representation! leader! Perhaps we should… from your frail shoulders.

MONICA LEWRENTSKY: And ABDUL-JABBAR: Nay! Your debt is now only to the why didn’t you pay your rent! ROSA: It worked before. oppressed people of SSMU CROWD: Yeah!

ABDUL-JABBAR: We won’t Club!

RANDOM PERSON #1: What turn to extreme measures until it is absolutely he doesn’t pay his rent? necessary. This can still be a RANDOM PERSON #2: I even fair fight. heard that he didn’t pay his rent!

ACT 2, SCENE 3

CROWD: Yay! YET ANOTHER RANDOM PERSON: How will you take down the evil Abdul-Jabbar?

NIKOLAI: Amidst the rivers of leprechaun blood, I shall ride to battle against AbdulJabbar! My opponent will be MOTHER: Come on Nikolai, slain on the day of Patrick CROWD: We can’t trust him eat your baby. It’s all we have. the Saint. It will be a pivotal Presidential Debate, the likes with SSMU Club!

YOUNG NIKOLAI: But I’m cold of which won’t be seen for NIKOLAI: I don’t think my Momma. semesters! personal finances have much MOTHER: I am aware of that. to do with my candidacy. One day we will flee this land. [Nikolai exits the agora under the cheers of his adoring public] Listen to me, dear comrades!

We must put an end to the YOUNG NIKOLAI: Where shall SSMU Club establishment we go? that has oppressed us for far MOTHER: To the wondrous Continued on page 14. too long! icy plains of Canada! It is said MONICA LEWRENTSKY: But that the temperature is only MONICA LEWRENSKY: It is true! He has refused to pay for his lodgings and has been on the run ever since!

A remote village in an unnamed Eastern European country.

Printed at Copi-EUS

6

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 11

I Keep Missing the Train by 4-Loko-Motive As a McGill engineering student it is accepted, maybe even expected, that you’ve taken a couple rides on the black out train. While a U0’s number of rides will obviously be lower than her more imbibed upperclassmen friends, it’s reasonable to assume that she has hopped on at least once or twice.

With so many events that are integral parts of the first year experience like Frosh, E-Week, MERTW, Faculty Olympics, and let’s not forget the everyday opportunities including but not limited to Korova Mondays, Café Campus Tuesdays, Sangria Wednesdays, and Tokyo Thursdays, you would have thought that I’d have caught that fun little train at least once this year. Well, you’d be wrong.

Some of you may be reading this and thinking, “Wow! I’m so impressed with this girl! She really knows how to handle herself!” I appreciate your positive sentiments, but you know sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I didn’t remember all the debaucherous things I’ve done.

Let’s think back to Faculty Olympics. I’d say besides drinking and chanting one of the Engineering team’s favorite pass times was taking

make-out selfies. Props to the photographers among us for capturing some priceless pictures. My personal favorite included four sets of cuties caught in the most intimate of acts – a drunken make out.

Make-out selfies are a beautiful thing. They remind you of a fun time you hopefully don’t remember, but when you’re cursed with the memory of all the lips that have touched yours the hilarity of the situation decreases. It’s also really stressful knowing exactly how much your chances of getting mono increased during a four-day period. Speaking of Faculty Olympics and mono, I really hope I don’t get mono.

There are some mundane reasons to want to forget your night. Everyone knows if you don’t remember eating two slices of pizza or a whole poutine from La Banquise then it never happened. If I had hopped on the train Saturday morning, I wouldn’t remember that the pancake kegger during FAC-O had neither a keg (thanks Quebec!) nor pancakes (thanks SSMU club!).

I’m trying to think

more

M A K E O U T S E L F I E # 1 7 3

An EUS Publication

of some more upsides to catching that fun little train.

Wow this is actually kind of hard. Maybe remembering my night is not actually something to complain about. It definitely gives me a choice in how to respond to my actions.

All in all, there’s definitely an upside to my impeccable drunk memory. I’m glad that I’ll never forget making two boys complete a make-out triangle for the storybooks, and streaking down Guy Street is a memory that I’m proud to have kept from MERTW. I think I’ll keep missing that train for now, if only to entertain myself and my friends when I wake up the next morning.

April 1st, 2015

Free Credit

7

by Caroline Giacomin Attention political science majors: Following the result of the most heated contest in SSMU history, the department of political science has determined that those most involved in the slandering campaigns of both sides are eligible for course credit. In order to claim such credit a two-page memorandum outlining your involvement, should be submitted to Professor Slanderous by April 15th. Credit worthy involvement includes (but is not limited to): • Drudging up candidate’s rent histories • Being responsible for Alexei’s microaggression prevention tactics • Exposing any evidence to allow Tariq Khan to carry on his legal battle with SSMU • Creation of the Vladimir Putin Facebook account that became involved • Writing three 100+ word comments on any Facebook post pertaining to Alexei’s childhood • Coining the term “SSMUaucracy” • Hacking of any personal Facebook account related to any candidate of the past two SSMU elections • Creation of the ingenious drinking game released for the debates night • Evidence pertaining to Kareem being a “SSMUaucrat” • All attacks aimed at Alexei’s Russian childhood The political science department has deemed these activities to be credit worthy due to their relevance to experience in the field of political science. The credits will appear on your Minerva transcripts under “Industrial Practicum” and could be worth up to 5 credits. “Industrial Practicum” is a transcript term borrowed from the engineering faculty. The political science “industry” most students enter upon graduation is the slander industry, therefore we see this term to be acceptable for such credits. Additionally we would like to thank SSMU Club for providing our department with such relevant practical experience for our students to participate in.

Regards,

Professor Slanderous Printed at Copi-EUS

8

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 11

THANKS, SSMU!

SSMU seems to think its responsibilities and influence are far greater than they are – so why not act as if they were? If SSMU can take on the weighty world and demand a formal position on the situation overseas, why not saddle it with some of the unpleasant mundanities it’s evidently engineered right here at home?

Something bad happened? Thanks, SSMU!

by Daniel Galef

Missing apostrophe?!

Thanks, SSMU!

James McGill owned slaves?!

Thanks, SSMU!

I lost my iPhone and Siri won’t even help me look?! Thanks, SSMU!

The library catalogue is broken?! Thanks, SSMU!

This stall is out of toilet paper?!

Thanks, SSMU!

Another missing apostrophe?!

Thanks, SSMU!

Even worse, James McGill was a lawyer?!

Thanks, SSMU!

The condom broke?!

Thanks, SSMU!

Vandalism?! Thanks, SSMU!

An EUS Publication

My editor mixed up these photographs?! Thanks, SSMU!

Queen Vicky wearing white after Labour Day?! Thanks, SSMU!

April 1st, 2015

I failed my math exam?!

Thanks, SSMU!

Frostbite is closed?! Thanks, SSMU!

7 Deadly Sins of Engineering

by Brother Cuddly Bear A continuation from Issue 10 Before I head into my glorious masterpiece of a holy article, I’d like to take a moment to thank Brother Woody and his labours with Part 1 of this article. The idea was to get this to print weeks ago, but that’s none of my business

Part 2

actions. While walking past a box of samosas, your very core screams out for nourishment. A hot nurse excites every fibre in your body.

Free ice-cream day at Frostbite causes you to stampede and rush as if your otherwise meaningless life depends on it. But that’s verging on Part One. You thought you’d heard the worst, the vilest, and most disgusting acts of atrocity; the worst has yet to come. And without further ado, I present to you, ladies and gentle-jerks, the Triple Whammy of the 7 sins:

W

rath:

Now, behold! Feast your eyes!

Prepare your armchairs! Relax and sit back with some Frostbite ice-cream and allow me to shed light on the devious shadowlands of Engineering Sin. They are committed by students every day: in their classes, hallways, dorm rooms, apartments, and even sex dungeons. You name it, there is sin!

Humans are basic beings (including basic bitches) and use their instincts and urges to guide their

Eyes see red, you froth at your mouth, voices are raised and fists are curled, all upon seeing a 54%. Fifty. Motherfuckin’ Four. Percent. But wait! There’s more! To add insult to injury, your good buddy comes running, waving frantically. You gesture him to calm down and ask what’s wrong. He asks how you did on the final, and you (knowing he didn’t study a single minute for the thing), expect him to give you a measly, maybe even single digit, number. But what do you hear?

Printed at Copi-EUS

9

The net entropy of the universe is irrevocably, inexorably increasing?! Thanks, SSMU! “Oh dude that sucks, I got a B+” …

FUCKIN TABLE FLIP THE SHIT OUTTA THAT FUCKER ANDWrath is not only limited to academia. Much like University life in general, there is more to it than who got better grades, and who actually deserved better ones (angry grumbling) .

Picture this: after months of denial, rejection and misery, your anti-social, nerdy engineering self has managed to score a date with your crush. A miracle, I know. All is well through the night, perhaps not magical, but well enough. You end things on a mellow note as she leaves for her place and you part ways. The next day, you text her in hopes of meeting up again. She replies (hours later) with an excuse that sounds like a high schooler late to class. You brush it off and decide to move on like an adult.

Binge-eating icecream and sobbing is OK, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re upset! A few weeks later, you make an appearance at a social event, in hopes of resuscitating the dying carcass of your love life, when you run into your very good friend. He asks you to come and meet someone he’s been seeing.

10

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 11

You reluctantly follow him directing you towards a familiar face while he slides his (now filthy) hand around her waist. He grumbles customary words of introduction, and you can feel a new vein bursting with every word he says; the shade of red in your eyes gets darker and darker every time she makes an awkward smile. As you shake hands, your fingernails pierce the skins of your palm. And then ...

school (Oh yeah we were 19th...

4 years ago, and worse off now), and most importantly, taught us to be proud of being engineers. Now the latter is one thing I will support whole heartedly, though even that is subject to brainwashing claims.

There are many a verse for Godiva’s Hymn across various schools.

Take one of MIT engineering verses for example: MIT was MIT when Harvard was a pup And MIT will be MIT when Harvard’s time is up And any Harvard Son of a Bitch who thinks he’s in our class

Wrath also exists in the simpler things in life: Finding out they’ve sold out of samosas before you got there, or that room bookings are already all filled, or not being able to get free ice-cream because your failed quiz doesn’t weigh enough, or losing your phone and other belongings after a night of drinking.

These have various degrees and various consequences but they will all result in a knot in your stomach and a ruined day.

Contrapasso: Eternally stuck on the hill covered in ice, your laptop in hand is the only thing that can break your fall.

P

ride:

Ah the ancient emotion of Pride. As engineers and McGillians, pride is forced into our heads from the day we set foot on campus. With our doe-eyed, freshman faces, eager to explore adulthood, they taught us to be proud of our sports team, taught us to be proud of our prestigious

Can pucker up his rosy lips and kiss the beaver’s ass And the respective U of T version: U of T was U of T when Ryerson was a pup, And U of T will be U of T when Ryerson’s time is up, And any Ryerson son of a bitch who thinks he’s in our class, Can pucker up his rosy lips and kiss our purple ass!

My point is, engineers, no matter what school we are in and where we are, are arrogant bastards who love to drink and boast of our achievements to any poor schmuck who stands in our way. And we friggin deserve to be proud! We’re bloody brilliant!

Contrapasso: Sitting in a lecture taught by a Concordia Student as to why Concordian engineering is better and how we can improve.

An EUS Publication

E

nvy:

Wrath and envy often come together in many ways.

Take my first example in wrath.

When a friend does better academically, the only reason we want to flay them alive and wear their flesh as a trophy is because we are envious (and slightly broken inside) knowing we could have potentially done as well, had we applied ourselves. We will be envious if someone goes on an exchange or a co-op, even if we never applied or had no interest.

It is human nature, augmented by the dire standards of student life.

We’ll be envious of the (relatively) carefree and lax Arts curriculums and their short 3 year programs.

We’ll be envious of science kids and their free printing. We’ll be envious of the old rez friend who scored a bigger, more bad ass apartment somewhere on the west side that has twice as much exposed brick. We’ll be envious of our bestie who hooks up with the hot girl you’ve been crushing on. We’ll even be envious of any damn couple committing PDA on campus.

Contrapasso: Facebook. Facebook and other social media are literally the fuel of man’s envy In conclusion, engineers and McGillians are capable of dastardly sins that make our day-to-day lives ten times harder. Yet emotion is human and to make mistakes is a part of life. So I say rid yourselves of your limitations and indulge in your sins! Worst case, you repent and confess (and whatnot) and you appeal to your deity with a simple “We good, bro?”

April 1st, 2015

50 Shades of Green: 50 Shades Liter

As the world is fully aware, the greatest Blues Pub of all time was St. Paddy’s Day 50 Shades of Green Blues Pub: 50 Shades Greener (SPDFSoGBPFSG). With the largest volume of beer ever sold at a Blues Pub, as well as the highest gross revenue, everyone was very impressed. So impressed in fact, that even OAP has taken notice.

The black-shirted demigod managers of OAP, with their chiseled chins and massive muscles, have decided that from this point forwards, OAP Lite will have a theme every year, and that theme will be the same as the theme of the EUS Blues Pub of the Year. So this year they are very excited to announce that this year’s OAP Lite will be “50 Shades of Green: 50 Shades Liter”!

Now, a large part of the reason for this shift is an economic one.

OAP is kinda big, but the clout of Publications Blues Pub will help make the OAP lineup take at least one more circle around Redpath Museum, and drive up beer sales astronomically. But there are plenty of other changes which will be made to bring Ireland to OAP. First of all, forget Sapporo and Sleeman. This year, Guinness and

Kilkenny will be the only beers sold.

We intend to reach a maximum speed of about 120 cases per hour of Irish oil and Irish gold, with 5 beers bins constantly filled with each.

In addition to Sapporo and Guinness, Irish Drop Shots will be served. A row of tables 20 meters long will be set up on the east side of the field, with 20 volunteers dropping shots continuously. There will also be green sangria, which will be mixed on an industrial scale inside a kiddy pool in the beer tent.

The food will also be green.

Provigo has been asked to deliver the food 2 weeks early, and not to refrigerate the food truck.

For music, only the Irish variety will be allowed. The Dropkick Murphy’s have been contacted, but like Katy Perry during the Super Bowl, they are going to have to outbid the other contenders if they want the opportunity to perform.

Because the snow is just melting, and it will be a while for the park to become green naturally, expensive work is being done on the park to speed up the process.

Space heaters are to be installed throughout 3 Bares to melt off the remaining snow, and spotlights are being installed, in order to

Printed at Copi-EUS

11

by Liquid Giggles

initiate an artificial spring earlier. In addition, grass seed and fertilizer is being added. If this process fails, AstroTurf will be used.

Now, OAP means the world to engineering, so the above steps constitute global warming. To offset this, 100% of the proceeds will be donated to the noted terrorist organization Greenpeace.

McGill Security has been provided with a set of all green uniforms to wear throughout the event. They have also been instructed to send only agents with very good eyesight, because they must be able to accurately distinguish different shades of green. OAP Managers will be wearing dark green shirts, OAP Volunteers will be wearing bright green shirts, and patrons will have the opportunity to buy light green T-shirts. It is important that security be able to distinguish between at least 50 shades of green.

McGill Security is also being asked to search patrons aggressively for cannabis. All confiscated cannabis will be available for sale at the ticket tent, making this the greenest OAP ever.

See you at Lite, and may the luck of the Irish be with you!

12

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 11

BRING YOUR OWN JUICE REVIEWS

by Daniel Galef

REVIEW 1 Writing totally without bias as an amateur comedian and inevitably future standup star who just so happens to have been rejected three times from the BYOJ troupe and who will show them all, goddammit!, I received the distinct impression that the group’s tone and timing would be far better served by the addition of, say, I don’t know, one new member.

Otherwise, the show was pretty funny.

The name “Bring Your Own Juice” (unlike most lines of dialogue) was no joke: several audience members were turned away at the door for failing to provide the cast with a fix for their debilitating addiction to pharmaceutical-grade steroids.

(This is not a rumour. Tell your friends. Make sure everyone knows about their shameful secret.)

Emery-whose-acting-is-farfrom-“Fine” (dammit, these puns are gold, why do you hate me?) has valliantly neglected his editorial duties with McGill University’s fifth-best humour magazine, the Pickled Herring, to appear in this production.

At least, that’s what I’m forced to assume, considering that he hasn’t replied to any of my many emails of article submissions, or to my threatening letters to his home address, messages on Twitter, and pokes on Facebook (and in real life).

The first two rows and last five rows are in the Splash

Zone. Ponchos are handed out at the door, but tend not to fare well against hydrofluoric acid. Ooh, and also the whole show was just the cast insulting the audience members. So there.

One thing that stands out was the venue itself. The McGill Players’ Theatre exudes class (and not the crummy CALC 220 sort) from the pedantically-correct apostrophe placement to the adorably imperialist spelling of “theater.” As I was forcibly ejected for hurling bottles at the stage in a sobbing drunken fury, I noticed and appreciated these small details that can really make or break a performance, or a reviewer’s bones by a team of three burly security guards.

REVIEW 2 BYOJ (pronounced “bjodge,” from the Old High German biojj, meaning “of or pertaining to a milkmaid’s knerplett: dry,

blue, salty, shmaltzy, cheesy, humourous”) was absolutely terrible. The comedy fell flat, the special effects were far from convincing, and I can’t understand why Bella would even look at that sad wolfman. Wait, I might be thinking of something else. Let me start again.

BYOJ was absolutely terrific.

(Why don’t those words mean the same thing?) But I hated it.

Far be it from my position as esteemed (by my dog Terence) and award-winning (Montreal Love Performance Association’s “Outstanding Critic of the Year Award,” presented by my dog (not Terence but one of the other ones, Plautus), who is also the deliberation committee) comedy critic to criticize comedy, but either Aristophanes or my dog Aristophanes said the immortal words: “The quality of a performance depends easily as much on context and circumstantial factors as it

Photo creditsto Katey Wattam

An EUS Publication

April 1st, 2015 does on the words themselves.”

(De. Re. Com., VII 6-8, trans.

Arthur Willowwaithe). And the circumstantial factors were far from ideal: On the day I saw BYOJ, I had just failed a Mech midterm, my bicycle was towed, and I stepped in a stinking pile of McGill Daily issues; so the show was horrible. This may not be entirely the fault of the cast, but an honest review must present the facts as they stand.

“Real” Review “So awkward . . . so painful . . . I love it!”

—Matthew Robert as the Crypt Keeper This year’s McGill BYOJ sketch comedy show was not to be missed, so, if you missed it, too damn bad, but this review will only serve to remind you of your horrible mistakes. If you saw it, then what are you looking for? Validation?

You won’t find it here. If you’re still deciding whether to go see it or not, well GUESS WHAT: It’s over.

Forever. In the mortal words of BYOJ’s own D.J. Mausner in the rôle of Sandy Pritchett: “Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! I don’t respect you!

I don’t respect you! I don’t respect you! I’m double-parked outside!”

How true.

Stationed directly to my dexter flank — now that’s prose, people — er, seated next to me was the reviewer from the McGill Tribune.

Upon hearing I was from the Faucet, she expressed her deep respect for me as a journalistic colleague by saying: “Oh . . . is that another McGill thing?” Yes, dear friend. Yes, it is.

The show consists of about seventeen short skits punctuated by

13

MEMORABLE QUOTATIONS “Smell you later, fuckhead!”

—D.J. Mausner as Sandy Pritchett (yeah, again, it was a funny scene) “Hello fellow teen friends. It’s me, Troy: a real teen feminist. [...] I do real teen things, like understand the internet and orchestrate shadow wars.”

—Andy Richter as Emery Fine “Why don’t you just squat down and shit in my open mouth?”

—Andrej Gomizelj as Himself (probably not, but the character wasn’t named) (Apparently, the broadcast-cable version of the show is used for TV test signals, as so much of the dialogue would have to be replaced with 1000Hz censor bleeps. See Mausner quotation above.)

“Alas, Robert, ’tis too much; I just cannot even right now!”

—Courtney Kassell as Eliza “It is I, John François, arriving toward the end and surprising everyone!”

—John Hanchar, Esq. as Eliza apt and amusing scene transitions.

The performance at times skirted something like postmodernism (e.g., the first skit about having lost all the jokes, or a lengthy bit about scene transitions that begins without any distinguishment as an actual break between skits that just goes on and on), as well as a somewhat antiquated but very funny, mid-century-type scene (a timeless silly-shopkeeper sketch, complete with absurd accents an dinging entrance bell right out of a Two Ronnies routine).

The only possible fault is what might be a bit of an overreliance on literary jargon for their pseudo-overintellectual joke cred.

This crops up in a few too many skits where its relevance is not apparent, especially a number of

Printed at Copi-EUS

unrelated and baffling references to metaphors that may be some sort of in-joke I’m missing (“Hey Bob, is that a mixed metaphor?” / “I think the metaphor is a dying concept!”), but does not hurt the humour of the show. Of course, this may be seen as mitigated by the words of Emery Fine: “Literature sucks!”

Matthew Robert has certainly the most memorable lines, as well as almost the first and last words of the show (in a very Freudian sex-anddeath fashion, the first brandishing a scythe, the last a rubber dildo). It is his initial appearance as the Crype Keeper presenting the grotesque horror of the libraries around exam time that provides this review’s epigraph.

14

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 11

SSMU 2015: THE MOTION PICTURE PART 2

by O.G. Portillo

RANDOM PERSON #2: I know!

Every time I see him, he always remembers me. He’s like my best friend.

ACT 3, SCENE 1 Abdul’s lair

ABDUL-JABBAR: The Presidential Debate is soon Rosa. It is the best opportunity to crush my opponent’s hopes and dreams. Only I can sit on the SSMU Club throne.

ROSA: The usurper Nikolai doesn’t stand a chance.

Perhaps it would be wise to go to the Agora. The SSMUnizens wish to hear more about your unique ideas, no doubt.

ABDUL-JABBAR: You are right my dear Rosa. I shall go to the Agora. You should take this occasion to face a foe of your own.

ROSA: Yolanda is no foe of mine.

ABDUL-JABBAR: Maybe not, but the public needs you to act as if she was.

ROSA: Very well, future supreme overlord of SSMU Club.

[A-J and Rosa exit the lair]

ACT 3, SCENE 2

The Agora of Facebook CROWD: Three Abdul-Jabbar!

cheers

for

ABDUL-JABBAR: Please! The campaign is not finished yet, my friends.

RANDOM PERSON #1: Abdul -Jabbar is such a nice guy.

He’s just, like, so genuine you know?

given much thought. I’d say that by making the society even more transparent than it already is, then students RANDOM PERSON #1: Mine will be more engaged in the social justice causes pushed too! by the SSMU Bubble. Also, ABDUL-JABBAR: Most of accountability. you know me already. I CROWD: Wow! Nothing can have been part of the SSMU Club for a long time. That wrong with such a solid obviously makes me the platform! Three cheers for best candidate to lead us to Abdul! absolute supremacy. Under ACT 3, SCENE 3 my rule, the SSMU Club will The Agora of Facebook be as transparent as the Ganges, the execs will be ROSA: Things are going well. accountable to each other, Let’s keep it up. members of the SSMU bubble ABDUL-JABBAR: I can already will be as engaged as ever smell victory. in our chosen social justice endeavours. Oh, and no one RANDOM PERSON #5: SSMU will ever be offended again, Club made headlines last year with Farnangate. We know NEVER! that you were behind the RANDOM PERSON #3: What apology. What do you have to are you going to do to engage say about that? more students in SSMU Club ABDUL-JABBAR: That’s a politics? great question Random ABDUL-JABBAR: That’s a Person #5, one which I have great question Random given much thought. The Person #3, one which I have gif offended some people, given much thought. I’d say therefore the perpetrator that by making the society had to apologize for his even more transparent than actions. I am convinced that it already is, then students at the time it was the right will be more engaged in the course of action. social justice causes pushed by the SSMU Bubble. Also, RANDOM PERSON #5: Don’t you think the controversy accountability. negatively impacted the RANDOM PERSON #4: How are reputation of the university? you going to make SSMU Club On the more relevant to the average ABDUL-JABBAR: contrary, I think it increased student? it. It showed future members ABDUL-JABBAR: That’s a of SSMU Club that we will not great question Random stand for micro-aggressions Person #4, one which I have and no one will be offended.

An EUS Publication

April 1st, 2015 That goes back to the quest for transparency and student engagement really. If anyone was offended by the apology, then I myself ask for your forgiveness. I will take this mistake and use it to become an even better President!

CROWD: Yay! All is forgiven!

ABDUL-JABBAR: Please excuse us, esteemed SSMUnizens, I must prepare myself for the upcoming debate.

[A-Jand Rosa exits] YOLANDA #1: Hey, how is it going?

YOLANDA #2: Not bad. This campaign is really something, isn’t it?

YOLANDA #3: It is. There’s definitely going to be a popcorn shortage soon.

YOLANDA #4: But there’s still so much to tell!

YOLANDA #2: Hey Yolandas! I heard there’s free food being given out in New Rez! YOLANDA #43: What? Why?

ROSA: (to a passerby) Here!

Take this delicious free food!

Don’t forget to vote for me, Rosa!

IMPRESSIONABLE FROSHIE: (taking food at the dining hall) What is going on?

15

Hello everyone and welcome to your 2015 SSMU Club Presidential Debate! [Crowd cheers] You already know who your candidates are: on my left, the champion of apologies and all around nice guy: ABBDUUUL-JABARRR!!!

LOU LOU: That’s the best [Crowd cheers even louder] candidate campaigning: Rosa. And on the right, the IMPRESSIONABLE FROSHIE: underdog; you could say that he started at the bottom and But aren’t we all Yolanda? now he’s here: NIKOLAIII!!!

LOU LOU: Don’t you listen to [Applause] Enough with the those people at the Agora. presentations, now for the Rosa and Abdul-Jabbar are first question: What makes the best candidates. You vote you the ideal candidate to for them. lead SSMU Club to greener IMPRESSIONABLE FROSHIE: pastures?

I guess you’re right, caf ABDUL-JABBAR: Well, I’ve person. I will vote for Abdul been involved with SSMU for -Jabbar and Rosa! a long time, so that obviously helps. More than that, I’ll make ACT 3, SCENE 5 sure it’s more transparent to Abdul-Jabbar’s Lair better communicate amongst ABDUL-JABBAR: The Debate the group, and have the execs is tomorrow my dear Rosa. more engaged. Also, social We did everything we could justice. to discredit Nikolai and his NIKOLAI: I bring an outsiders campaign, yet more and more point of view. I hate SSMU people are following him.

Club, so if you hate it too,

then you should vote for me. We need to stop chasing white elephants and worry ABDUL-JABBAR: It won’t YOLANDA PRIME: But she about the issues that actually can’t do that! It’s against the come to this- it can’t. I shall impact students on a daily win the people over at the rules! basis. debate. [Abdul-Jabbar and YOLANDA #29: It doesn’t Rosa exit] MODERATOR: Both good matter, free food! Let’s go! answers, I’m sure. Now, for SUPER SNEAKY NINJA: CROWD OF YOLANDAS: (looking through their stuff, the real issues: What do (chanting) #weareallYolanda eventually finds something) you plan on doing with the mystically closed Redpath [Exeunt Yolandas] Oh! This is gold! Once the Doors?

MARGARET SCRATCHER: public knows this, everything ABDUL-JABBAR: That’s a They’re all a bunch of idiots. will change! great question Moderator, No one expects me! one which I have given much ACT 4, SCENE 1 Gerts. thought. The doors have been ACT 3, SCENE 4 The hallowed halls of New Rez MODERATOR: (to crowd) closed forever, and I see no YOLANDA Rosa!

#17:

I think it’s ROSA: We haven’t everything. Not yet.

Printed at Copi-EUS

done

16

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 11

one reason to fight this battle.

I say that by making society even more transparency than it already is, students will be more engaged in the social justice causes pushed

by SSMU Club; they won’t even realize that those doors are closed. This is a promise that we will hold the future members of the Club accountable for.

Cheese Palace of Charles the Mouse!

[Crowd whispers, applauses!]

then

MODERATOR: Well, it looks like we have a clear debate winner! Remember that the vote is taking place tomorrow!

[Crowd leaves, carrying Margaret Scratcher on their shoulders]

NIKOLAI: What’s the point ACT 5, SCENE 1 of building doors if we’re not Abdul-Jabbar’s Lair going to use them? I say we ABDUL-JABBAR: Today is open those doors! the day Rosa. Today, we shall ABDUL-JABBAR: Please, receive confirmation of our Nikolai. I’ve been doing this victory. for a much longer time than you have. I think I know what ROSA: Both of us will crush the students want. They want our opponents. SSMU Club to fight the social justice will be ours once again. causes dear to the heart of MESSENGER: Overlord Abdulthe members of SSMU Club.

Jabbar!

There’s trouble brewing in the Agora of NIKOLAI: You’re disconnected.

Everyone Facebook! hates the SSMU Club ABDUL-JABBAR: What is it? establishment. If elected, We’re celebrating here.

SSMU Club will be politically MESSENGER: You must come neutral! Like Switzerland! at once!

MODERATOR: Gentlemen, [Exeunt.] please calm down. Let’s keep this a civil discussion!

Rosa! Abdul-Jabbar planned to steal the letters of the Great Khan to overthrow him before he even became President!

ABDUL-JABBAR: What treachery! I did not do this!

It’s outrageous to even think that I could do something of the sort. Why is everyone attacking me over this?

NIKOLAI: Are they not your messages?

ABDUL-JABBAR: These were obtained illegally by Thomas the GOAT! NIKOLAI: Did you or did you not write those messages that suggest you stole Khan’s letters?

KHAN: It is true!

[Everyone stunned]

turns

around,

ACT 5, SCENE 3 Agora of Facebook

CROWD: The Wrath of Khan is upon us!

KHAN: My messages were indeed stolen, and I know the identity of the thieves! It is ACT 5, SCENE 2 Abdul-Jabbar and Rosa! This Agora of Facebook affront will not stand! They ACT 4, SCENE 2 Gerts.

THOMAS THE GOAT: Listen to plotted behind everyone’s back to overthrow my MARGARET SCRATCHER: Stop! me! Abdul and Rosa are not perfectly legitimate victory!

Both of you! Neither of you who you think they are! They will be President! For it is I, have plotted to overthrown CROWD: But why would they do just a horrible thing?

Margaret Scratcher that will the last President together! rule!

CROWD: You speak of such They both seem so nice and genuine.

ABDUL-JABBAR: What’s this? non-sense! What proof do you have?

KHAN: They could not stand MARGARET SCRATCHER: I will an outsider’s win! The throne do what is necessary to right THOMAS THE GOAT: It is proof needed to remain amongst the wrongs of SSMU Club! that you require? I have the SSMU Club elite!

SSMU Club will be no more! obtained the correspondence In its place shall rise... the of the despicable Abdul- NIKOLAI: It is true that the Jabbar and the treacherous J-Board motion was pushed

An EUS Publication

April 1st, 2015

by Abdul-Jabbar…

KHAN: Abdul-Jabbar, this aggression will not stand, I demand justice! You will see me in court! Again!

CROWD: What do we do now?

NIKOLAI: Quick, everyone to the voting stations!

[Exeunt Nikolai, Khan and the crowd]

17

ELECTIONS SSMU: I’m sorry, us… We invented J-Boarding. the polling stations are now MYSTERIOUS LEADER: The closed!

McGill Illuminati have spoken; Abdul-Jabbar will remain CROWD: Who won?

President.

ELECTIONS SSMU: And the winner is… Abdul-Jabbar!

THE END

ACT 6, SCENE 1

A darkly lit room. Mysterious figures are sitting at a round table.

There it is people! SSMU in all its glory! There is still drama unfolding, so stay tuned for potential sequel!

P.S.: The Faucet is looking for MYSTERIOUS PERSON #1: It is funding to produce the movie. done. Another elections has The only thing we promise is been fixed. that we will take your money.

ACT 5, SCENE 4 MYSTERIOUS PERSON #2: “Elections” SSMU P.P.S.: This was made with a What if they try to J-Board CROWD: Let’s vote people! strictly humouristic intent us? They did do plenty of Abdul has been lying all along! about the controversies in shady stuff…

He must not be allowed to be this year’s SSMU Elections.

MYSTERIOUS PERSON #1: President!

Please, they can’t J-Board A B D U L - J A B B A R : KHAAAAAAAN!!!!!

Trigger Warning (An interlineal interpolation companion piece and supertext to the poem “Trigger,” reprinted faithfully here in its entirety as it appeared in the Spring 2014 issue of Steps magazine, a publication of the Arts Undergraduate Society of McGill University, in the epistolary form of an angry unsolicited letter in green ink from a student to a journalist in the McGill Daily.)

TW: poetry, permutation, parody, plagiarism, and things that don’t begin with ‘p’

TRIGGER. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . WARNING It’s not that I wanted you . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . to stop writing what you wrote, But when I saw you move your left hand . . . . . . . . . . .across the clattering keyboard, Horizontally . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . typing out those vulgar phrases, like: “ Along her lower back . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ” I was digusted, Just . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . plain repulsed.

Beneath . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . your skin of legitimacy beat a pornographer’s heart.

Her . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . secret lusts exposed in your words.

Waist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . not, want not, but some writings are best scrapped.

It hurt so much . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . that I wrote in, like someone touched in the head, Because I wanted to be touched like that . . . . . . . . . . and only a formal complaint is crazy enough.

With that meaning . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . what I think it means, you need to use labels and That coveyed care . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . to assure no one ever again is accidentally shocked.

I remember what that was like . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .not to be offended by half-glanced others’ thoughts, And I will have that again. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

CHLOE SAUDER. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and FOSS THE IGUANA Printed at Copi-EUS

18

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 11

A Publication’s Circlejerk

by Malcolm MCClintock

We came; we drank; we conquered. Fifty Shades of Green Blues Pub: Fifty Shades Greener broke more records, instilled more love for Guinness, and engaged in more debaucherous activities than recalled in recent memory. It wouldn’t be right to throw such a night without a proper wrap up, sprinkled with a few behind-thescenes secrets.

Look back to Issue 8 of The Plumber’s Faucet and you will find what Publications Blues Pub almost was. Leprekama Sutra, an equally sex and leprechaun driven theme had quite a lot of potential behind it, including goading the would-be intoxicated patrons of Blues Pub to draw, pose, and reenact their own Kama Sutra sex positions.

Our desire to foster Blues Pub insanity blinded us to some truths that were thankfully pointed out by the Blues Pub Managers. Kama Sutra, as it happens, is a Hindu text outlining desire but more broadly a guide to living graciously in family life. Unbeknownst to us, we were

regurgitating the Western version of a watered-down sex manual.

We knew that it was related to India; our discrepancy was that it is a religious text. Despite the theme being vetoed, our momentum could not be stopped. Thus, 50 Shades of Green: 50 Shades Greener was born.

Initially 80 cases of Guinness and Kilkenny were ordered by the delightfully non-Irish Leprechaun of the night, Vice President of Finance David Bailey. Some say that it was ludicrous! Others say it was a stroke of genius. Experts aren’t likely to come to a consensus for many Blues Pubs to come. Of

Shameless self- promotion An EUS Publication

those 80 cases, 40 were sold, and though that may seem weak to the naked eye, let’s examine this further: 40 cases at 24 beers a case with 440mL per can equates to 422.4L . That’s just Guinness and Kilkenny alone over the course of five hours, at a rate of over one can per minute. Have I mentioned that that’s just Guinness and Kilkenny alone? Tack on an additional 75 cases of regular people beer and you’re at just over 1000L of beer for the night, at a rate of three beers a minute!

Beyond pure beer sales, the Faucet & Ledger team took the EUS by storm during the Volunteer Banquet. Team Publications ended up taking home the gold for both “Dumbest Idea of the Year” for the 40 Beer Challenge, as well as “Best Blues Pub” with 50 Shades of Green. Though the year is drawing to a close, it isn’t over yet; there is still time for some more Faucet shenanigans. Stay tuned.

April 1st, 2015

Printed at Copi-EUS

19

20

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 11

A Post- Modern Interpretation of Politics at McGill

by Morgan Mattone

*find the 9 hidden objects in this picture and bring it to any SSMU executive to claim your prize!

An EUS Publication