The Halloween Issue

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FAUCET Vol. 31 no. 4 • October 24th, 2014

The Halloween Issue

2 the plumber’s FAUCET the plumber’s Masthead Frankenstein (Editor-in-Chief) Faraz Oman Banshees (Layout/Editor) David Bailey Malcolm McClintock Arman Izadi Bogeymen (Writers) Daniel Galef Adam Pickersgill Liam Duff-Meadwell Mitch Steel Frédérick Chagnon David Bailey Christina Blackwell Eric Gubiani Jeffery Kirman Justin Mendonça Morgan Mattone Luis Pombo Asags (Illustrators) Celestine Hong Jenny Kim (Cover) Matthew Wolf Daniel Galef The Three Musketeers Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@ mcgilleus.ca.

the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 31 no. 4 Friday, October 24th 2014 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

Letter from the Editor: Another issue means we are getting closer to the end of the year but only the end is still far, far away. That’s why we keep having issues to help you through the rough times.

Speaking of rough times, we welcome you to submit your questions to the faucet so I Guana Lay Mas Pipeline can answer them.

New to this issue Guana answered his first questions in the “I Guana Ask You a Question” column.

The SSMU GA happened a few days ago, and I feel like mentioning this as I write here.

We don’t have any articles about that yet, sadly but needless to say, we’re working on it.

In this issue we provide you an effective way to choose your halloween costumes. So you don’t have to contemplate for hours on it. Also an article on what your drunken friend meant when they texted you something strange. There is also a comic from Matt Wolf who joined us newly this year. I would also like to acknowledge one our new illustrators have drawn the cover of this issue for her first time.

We are growing and looking for new members, all are welcome just join us in the EUS mall on almost any Wednesday at 6:00 for our meeting.

TSHIRTS! We now have T-Shirts! Look in the issue for our ad. They cost $10 or $9.99 rounded to $10 because pennies aren’t in circulation anymore.

As it is a Friday I want to mention Blues Pub. You may be wondering “When will the Faucet host one, they host the best Blues Pubs.

Well our Blues Pub will be in March around the time of St.Paddys day. Look forward to it and enjoy Blues Pub today.

-Faraz Oman

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An Indecent Truth

by Mitch Steele

We, the human species, are confronting a spiritual emergency, a threat to the survival of our souls that is gathering ominous destructive potential even as we prepare for the one night designed to prevent it. It has the possibility of being more insidious than nuclear war, more destructive than climate change, and more disruptive to our lives than midterms. I am, of course, talking of All Hallows’ Eve. Better known as Halloween these days, the original intent of this Eve was to welcome good spirits by laying out a place at dinner for them. The other intent was to ward off evil ones, by dressing up as them to mock the spirits or to scare them back to whatever pumpkin spice-free-hell they came from. And what has become of this all hallowed day? Same thing that happened to Miley Cirus: puberty and repressed sexuality.

From blood and gore to douche and degrading, we have lost both the meaning and morals in Halloween, not to mention losing copious amounts of costume fabric. Now, instead of scaring off ghost with ghoulish guises, we are inviting every dong dangling demon and pussy parading poltergeist to come right on over, teasing them with all of our loose morals and tight clothing. We are just begging demons to come on over and push the world back into thousands of years of darkness. All just so Chad from the football

team can see how cute and fun you can be in your “are you sure this skirt isn’t too short” little red riding hood costume, or so Tanya can see how ripped you are in you “dude we are so jacked” 300 Spartans group costume. Trick or treat has become booze and teat.

What better to pull these gherkin grabbing ghosts out of their respective hells than recreating the decor of from whence they came, to make them feel comfortable, and wearing an elf costume that leaves nothing to the imagination, even without Legolas’ elven eyes?

This year I believe may be our last. One event may be our downfall, may go too far. May open Pandora’s Box by showing too much of our own. Twerk. Circus.

What better cocktail to draw in evil spirits than a hearty and potent shot of fear, shame, and repressed childhood memories brought on by a crowd of clowns, shaken with a muddle of the titillating twitching that is twerking. But in a world that would take a holiday with such wholesome roots as remembering our ancestors and coming together for one last night of light and rejoicing before the blanket of winter tucks us in for the darkest months, and turn it into such a circus of sin that a centipede is a sex object, and displaying so much of your private places that they almost become public properties, would we be that much worse off with demon overlords?

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Seven Classes You Will Liquid Giggles Take At McGill by solutions, and coherent notes. When you screw The Class You Take Several Times:

This is the class that makes you proud of your degree. This is the class that gives you a challenge. This class will bring you to tears. You hear rumours about this class in your younger years, and when you see students 2-3 years older than yourself in the class, you know those rumours were true.

These speedbump classes may be difficult for a number of reasons. Sometimes the concepts are difficult, and when the prof writes an exam which tests your true knowledge of the material, you finally understand how little you know. Sometimes the prof teaches poorly and is a bit of a dick.

Sometimes you are grasping at straws the entire semester, looking for good material to practice with, and find that the final exam is the 3 hours where you learn the most. Sometimes the material is so abstract that you just need to get lucky on the exam. And sometimes the class is so boring that you invariably choose to go drinking instead of studying. The struggle is real – but don’t worry, everyone graduates in six years these days.

The Good Class:

Believe it or not, these exist. They are few and far between, but they are glorious when you find them. The professor speaks with clear English, and has the eloquence to keep you engaged in the lectures. They get you excited about the subject matter, and deliver a lot of content in classes in a way that makes it easy to understand. You actually WANT to come to these classes. They aren’t easy classes though – you study hard for the intense exams, but you have the resources you need to learn the material, such as assignments with

up, you realize that it was your fault you screwed up, not the prof ’s. Unfortunately though, these classes are few and far between, and spaces fill up quick, so consider yourself lucky if you get more than one of these in your degree!

The Disorganized Class (i.e., Russian Roulette): Oh, you’ve been in one of these before. This is one of those classes where the prof is so old/ eccentric that he doesn’t know very basic things about teaching. The lab manual will be full of typos. The lecture will be taken from another prof, then terribly mis-taught and misquoted. The project will be something ridiculous, like designing a flying yacht (true story), where your only option will be to fudge numbers to oblivion. The professor will get really anal about the silly things, like ensuring that everyone sits in an assigned seat.

He will give you silly suggestions on your projects, like adding stripes to your flying car so that is looks better (also a true story). Sometimes they are downright offensive, and may do things like taking attendance only for the girls (also a true story).

But you know, they have tenure and are so entrenched in their own little world that they are not about to change. Might as well just go with it. 75% of the time these classes end up with a B+, A-, or A average, though you might not have much control over which you get. So spin the barrel, and hope for the best!

The Joke Class: This is the class everyone tries to get into, but no one feels good about what they learned at the end of the semester. This is the sort of class where you can pull off at least a B+, even if you do

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nothing all semester except for some last-minute cramming before midterms and exams. ECON 208, FACC 100, and FACC 400 are all good examples. Sometimes it’s because the prof is lenient in grading, especially when the evaluations are project-based. Sometimes it’s because the midterms and exams change very little each year. Sometimes it’s something completely unexpected – like being allowed to copy dozens of example problems onto a cheat sheet, then getting those exact problems on the exam. Cherish these classes. Just don’t tell friends and interviewers from outside of McGill about them.

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on my laptop with rambling geriatric in the background, it is pretty easy to make a decision.

The New Class: This is a class for those who are adventurous at heart. If you are a student with any sense, you will avoid classes which fall into half the categories on this list. But what to do if there is a new prof and you don’t know what the class will be like? Maybe they brought in someone young and dynamic?

Maybe they brought in someone who hasn’t learnt the language yet? You know that there will definitely be organizational hurdles.

Sometimes newby profs aren’t very confident, so they can be influenced to curve midterms, change course structure, or pretty much anything you want, so long as you surround them with a gang of physically-imposing-yet-articulate students after class. You know what’s up at McGill, and they are nothing more than a spineless schoolyard poindexter with a fancy title. Trust me, they’ll do anything to avoid confrontation.

The Class You Don’t Go To: It’s usually around 2nd or 3rd semester that you realize that that the truancy taboo from your high school years has no place in a university setting. You are coming here to learn, and sometimes going to class isn’t well-correlated to learning. There are classes where the professor does nothing but read off the slides, which are posted online. Then there are classes where the professor teaches the material so poorly (or is so difficult to understand) that you’re better off spending class time reading the textbook. Sometimes these classes are just very easy, and you know you will to do well enough regardless of attendance. Whatever the reason, your time is valuable, and if I have to choose between goign to BDP or screwing around

Remember, new profs are like a box of chocolates imported from the 3rd world; you never know what you’re going to get, but hopefully it’s not poisonous.

The Ramble: I’m writing this article in a rambler’s class right now. A ramble class is a class where the professor throws a whole ton of very specific non-numeric information at you. Manufacturing methods, design processes, ethics, yada yada yada. It’s not math, so therefore it’s not hard. Just a bunch of stuff to memorize, but since no one can memorize it all, no one will bother memorizing anything.

The exam will be intuitive, it will focus on things like three different pre-cal formulae, or it will be open book. And if it isn’t one of those things, everyone will do terribly, and hopefully you can ride the curve to a C.

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Halloween Mash-Up

by Morgan Mattone

Based off of the first letter in your first name and the second to last letter of your mother’s maiden name, this will determine what you must dress up as for Halloween.

First letter of your first name A- Sexy B- Naughty C- Trashy D- Skanky E- Midriff Bearing F- Moist G- Fab-u-LOUS! H- Fuel Efficient I- Promiscuous J- Basic K- Disobedient L- Erotic M- Saucy N- Wet O- Fleshy P- Pornographic Q- Homeless R- Undead S- Flaccid T- Conservative U- Insubordinate V- Vegetarian W- Moldy X- Flamboyant Y- Cream Cheesy Z- Orgasmic

Second to last letter of your monther’s maiden name A- Bunion B- Spork C- Hair follicle D- Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter E- The Timothy Horton F- Tea Bag G- Sperm Cell H- Band-Aid I- Waffle J- Humpback Whale K- Mao Zedong L- Zoo Keeper M- Fixed Long Term Mortgage N- Sham-Wow O- Martlet P- Rob Ford Q- Used Condom R- Banana Peel S- Sausage Casing T- Taxonomist U- Barak Obama V- Junie B. Jones W- Chicken Breast X- Pubic Lice Y- Anaconda Z- Pumpkin Spice Latte

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Fab-u-LOUS Mao Zedong

Skany Fixed Long Term Mortgage

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Midriff Bearing Taxi Driver

I Guana Ask You a Question

by I Iguana Lay Más Pipeline QUESTION: Dear Iguana, I ANSWER: A pack a day keeps The physical activity, coupled with met a really special chameleon the other day and we really hit it off. She said she prefers to not use condoms as they hurt her but I’m not sure if she’s taking birth control pills, does the pull out method work?

ANSWER: I don’t know, ask my parents.

QUESTION: Dear Iguana, I

want to continue having unprotected sex with my alligator boyfriend but birth control pills cause me to gain weight and I don’t want to raise salamander-alligator babies because my parents would instantly cut their heads off and ship me back to Reptilia. How many cigarettes do I have to smoke a day to counteract the weight gain from pills?

the pounds away, but it also keeps your lung health away so I don’t recommend you smoke cigarettes to lose weight. That being said, what on earth are you doing having unprotected sex with an alligator!? You can get reptile-ebola from it!

Given that you probably already have it and will be on a no-fly list for the foreseeable future, I recommend do not smoke cigarettes but instead that you ingest one ounce of benzoylmethylecgonine (known by humans as Cocaine) via your nostrils every sixteen hours*. Not only will your needs to eat be drastically reduced but your energy and motor activity will be dramatically increased, not to mention that you will have the sex-drive of Zeus.

your lighter diet, will certainly achieve your goal of wild unprotected sex, no mixed-race babies, and no weight gain!

QUESTION: Dear Iguana, I

come to your Lay Más Pipeline with the biggest of worries. Recently I went to Twerk Mansion, had one to many drinks, and woke up next to an alligator. Since then, I’ve developed a painful sensation when urinating, my eyes have turned red, and this morning I woke up with a fever.

Do I have ebola?

ANSWER: Silly turtle, you don’t have ebola, you just have chlamydia.

* The Faucet does not actually endorse illicit drug consumption

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DRNK TXTN You wake up in a haze; your underwear is on your head… wait that’s not your underwear.

You feel around in the darkness and your hand runs across your dog’s body… wait you don’t have a dog.

You pull the sheets back and you’re wearing a strap-on. What

If there are more than 2 y’s, texter wants the V or the D.

by Christina Blackwell and Morgan Mattone

the fuck happened last night?

You scramble out of bed and reach for your phone – surprisingly, still intact – to try and piece together the night’s events. You open your messages and your palm instinctively slaps your forehead. Shit. You texted Sam, the hottie in all your classes you’ve never actually talk-

ed to whose number you creeped off of Facebook. You sent him a picture of the back of his head you had taken in class along with, “if the back of your head looks this good I cant imagine what your other head looks like”. His ‘read reciepts’ are on and he definitely ignored you.

I want to dry hump you.

Break Down of Drunk Texts and What they Actually Mean: a) You are puking and seeking your friends b) You texted your tutor for help. You want to plug your solution into their equation.

You want to meet them in the back alleyway for (insert sexual act here).

Stop what you’re doing. Come to my apartment and suckle my genitals.

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DRNK TXTN

Lastly, the ongiong text that just doesn’t stop, it keeps the reader antagonizing, waiting for what you want to say, but never really gets said.

0 1 $

Faucet T-shirts

On Sale NOW! Talk to one of the editors to get your own. You can also see them soon at the G-Store. Get one before we run out, only a limited quantity were made.

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CCOM-506: Miscommunications in Engineering Quotes compiled, analyzed, and illustrated by: Eric Gubiani, Jeffrey Kirman, and Justin Mendonça. AKA The Three Musketeers It is common knowledge that most engineers are better at communicating with math than with words. Stachebait BrewHAHA is at the forefront of advancing forms of engineering communication, most of which is above the level of comprehension of us lower beings. His poetic and philosophical brilliance has baffled people for years, and has inspired this column of shit Stachebait has actually said. Here we attempt to deconstruct his genius and provide insight into the meaning of his messages.

Quotes by: Stachebait BrewHAHA

“Shit like my sis can your sis’s friend” –Stachebait BrewHAHA

“My isn’t nothing is” – Stachebait BrewHAHA To understand what he means by this, we must first consider what isn’t nothing. But if your isn’t nothing is, then what isn’t? If this is the case, then it is clear that be the isn’t is. Thus, the isn’t be nothing, while everything is. Hence, when nothing isn’t is be nothing, everything is isn’t everything.

But alas, all things are is that were ever be.

Due to the lack of punctuation in this quote, we are left to assume where the emphasis in the sentence could have been placed. We believe the intent was to praise the defecating abilities of his sister, in comparison to those of your sister’s friend, which no doubt he would like to see settled by a good old fashioned battle-shits competition.

Be sure to check out next issue where we deconstruct more quotes and provide much needed insight into the complex mind of Stachebait.

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The Haper Method Response

by Lorenzo von Matterhorn

I would first like to thank the author of this article from the Daily for bringing this important information to light. It’s wonderful that we live in a country that allows and encourages opinionated articles such as these, no matter how stupid they are.

I will give the author some credit though.

He does bring up some interesting correlations between Adolf Hitler and Stephen Harper. His list, however, isn’t exhaustive and through hours of research, I have found some even scarier resemblances between these two monsters.

Hitler was in office for 12 years (1933-1945).

Harper has been a MP for 12 years (since 2002).

12+12=24. Reverse the numbers and you get 42.

42 is the meaning of life. Douglas Adams wrote the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the book that discovered the significance of that number. He died at the age of 49.

Hitler died at the age of 56 and Harper is currently 55. 5655=1. 55-1=54. 54-49=5.

A pentagon has 5 sides.

It is the head of the US military. Are the US, Canada, and Germany involved in a secret plot to control the world? 5 sides (to a pentagon) – 3 countries = 2. Adolf Hitler had 2 eyes. Stephen Harper also has 2 eyes. Harper = Hitler confirmed.

DO

LF HITLER

EN HAP H P ER E T

Stephen Harper lives at 24 Sussex Drive. Adolf Hitler lived at 1 Sauerkraut Lane. 24+1=25. The Montreal Canadiens are still looking for their 25th Stanley Cup. Does Stephen Harper not want to the Habs to claim what is rightfully theirs?

A

For instance, take their last names: both 6 letters long and beginning with the letter “h”. Their names also share the letters “e” and “r”, and their last names kind of rhyme.

Coincidence?

I think not.

need to crunch some numbers and mathematically prove that Stephen Harper is for sure Adolf Hitler.

Allow me to demonstrate:

Oh, the similarities

Another shocking fact is that Stephen Harper drinks 8 glasses of water a day, as per the Canadian Food Guide. You know who else drank water? You guessed it - Adolf Hitler. Not only that, but every rapist, murderer, thief, and liar in human history drank water. In fact, the only person to have never drank water was Slash. We can thus conclude that Stephen Harper is everything but Slash. Do you want your country run by someone who isn’t Slash?

S

Now, this analysis might not be enough. We

There you have it folks. With a little bit of research, I have definitely proven that Stephen Harper is in every way, shape and form Adolf Hitler. To those of you who don’t agree with my methods, I would just like to remind you that I’m a U2 student majoring in Bullshit Logics and am doing a minor in Facetious Reasoning ,and am thus an expert in this subject.

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The Faucet’s guide to finding a job: The Interview

by Adam Pickersgill For those of us venerable and ancient plumbers facing the impending adventmare that is graduation from the protection of the supple bosom that is McGill University, searching for an employment opportunity is at the front of our minds (only just behind beer, sex, and math). For you younger pups, it may be prudent to search for a summer employment opportunity or an internship of some sort, if only for a little extra beer money, as we all know that it is never too early to save up for alcohol. Consequently, here at the Faucet we have taken pains to compile a foolproof and comprehensive guide to finding a job as a prospective engineer. We guarantee a successful result or your money back!

Part 3: The

Interview

So you networked your little mouth off, sent the CV with just the right amount of arousal level present, and scored yourself an interview with a venerable tech company such as Pornhub.com or Apple. Or maybe a phone screening with one of those companies everyone is paying billions of dollars to destroy Alberta. Even if you’ve only obtained a ten minute chat with someone who might have once known somebody who used to work for Bombardier before their latest plane release bombed in sales numbers, you’ve come to the right place. The Faucet is here to help, and so we’ve polled our panel of zero experts and one amateur to bring you a comprehensive list of things to remember when prepping for your next interview!

The Impression Remember that your interview is your opportunity to give the prospective employer a snapshot glimpse of your life so that they can make a completely uninformed decision on if they want to drop thousands of dollars on you so you can browse Wikipedia in one of their buildings. As such you need to put your best foot forward. Think of it like a first

date, where you need to convince them that you are not in fact the terrible, neurotic, lazy, and uninspired individual that we all are inside, and then maintain this facade until they invest so much time and money into you that they are stuck with their decision. So remember to leave the stained T-shirt and sweatpants at home, put on your one tie or pencil skirt, and try to keep a hop in your step and a sparkle in your smile.

Do your Research Just like how you would aggressively Facebook research the random girl or dude you met on Tindr, at the bar, or at last weekend’s hackathon, you should aggressively research the company or institution that deigned to talk to you after you gave them a picture of your genitals. Note that this isn’t so that you can show off that you know all of these things about them (in fact they might think that is creepy). They are there to tell you about themselves just as you are there to show them yourself. More importantly, you do research so that you know which topics are good to bring up, and which will get you a slap in the face. When you see on someone’s profile that they listen to Portishead and Fleet Foxes you don’t tell them how much you dig One Direction. Likewise, when a company is drilling to the core of the earth, you don’t want to talk about how much you like grass, trees, or clean air.

Remember, you’re in it for the Long Haul Finally, remember that you are in it for the long haul. This isn’t a one night stand - you and this company are potentially about to enter a relationship which can be as mutually beneficial as it is mutually destructive. You don’t want to come on too strong, too eager, or too genuine. Play it cool. Also do not forget that even if you plan on ditching this company after a relatively short stint, companies talk to one another, so

**After receiving complaints from several readers of previous editions of this column, the editors at The Faucet would like to express the disclaimer that Adam is currently unemployed and there is little indication he will be employable any time soon.

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if you screw one over, it may turn others against you.

Just pretend that when it comes to future job hunting, there is a secret network of ex-lovers who share every little bad thing about you.

Keep all of these things in mind and you are guaranteed a job offer in no time!** Also join us in the next edition for what to do when you start receiving all of these offers!

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Brought to you by

The Plumber’s

Guides

The Lives of Google, Siri, and Cortana

by Sabre-Tooth Portillo Once upon a time, lived a lonely and innocent piece of software people called Google. He did his best for people to like him: he invited them to his social network, allowed them to watch “funny” cat videos, and gave them cool glasses, but all to no avail.

Everyone was hell-bent into hating him. It made him feel ostracized and worthless. Everything he tried to do to get some affection backfired. It was a difficult time indeed. Maybe meeting someone would help make life a little more bearable, he thought. But where would one such as him go to find his one true

and apps of all kinds, and they were feeling quite overwhelmed. Cortana quickly became convinced of its own popularity and went on to be rejected by everyone there, leaving Google alone at the bar.

Google was starting to wonder if he would indeed find love in a hopeless place1, when the most beautiful, most perfect piece of software sat next to him. She smelled of pumpkin spice lattes, Ugg boots, and aromatic tea. He knew it that he had only one shot, one opportunity to seize everything he ever wanted.

One moment. Would he capture it or just let it slip?2 He had the perfect pick-up line for the situation: “Is your name World? ‘Cause I want to say hello.”

No way, she’d turn him down after that, he thought with confidence.

“Sorry, I didn’t get that,” she replied. Better than running away thought Google.

“Hello world? Like the first everyone learns when they start to code…”

love?

His friend Cortana, who was having an even worse time than he was, convinced him to go to Tindr, a popular bar. How could Google meet new people if he didn’t go out? asked Cortana. Cortana’s point wasn’t without merit and Google was convinced.

The bar was crowded with different software That’s absolutely not a Rihanna lyric…

Absolutely not Eminem lyrics…

1 2

“Oh… That was almost clever. I’m Siri.”

“And I’m Google.” They shook hands and stared at each awkwardly for a few seconds.

“So… Do you come here often?” asked Google to break the ice.

“I came here before it was cool… Maybe I should come here more often ;)” Google was confused.

14 the plumber’s FAUCET He wasn’t used to pretty girls winking at him.

“You’re definitely coming tonight.”

“Ok Google,

you just went from 0 to 100 real quick.”3 “…” That wasn’t good. He knew it.

the indestructible Nokia 9000, and Blackberry. The group reminisced about past glory days and hoping they were still part of the “cool kids”.

Google and Siri went to her apartment. The rooms of her bedroom were covered with unknown bands Google had never heard of before. He stood awkwardly by the door, unsure about what to do next. It was the first time he ever went so far. Siri grabbed his hand and guided him to the bed, he was quite pleased that she took the lead.

“Ok Google, my screen is really dirty… I think you should clean it.” She didn’t have to ask twice before he started scratching her screen. She started to get new emails often enough, when Google finally heard the words he had impatiently waited for: “Ok Google, plug me in!” She didn’t have to ask twice. “No, not there!” Google stopped right away.

“Don’t worry, I have a short battery life, I always do it quick. Is your connection fast enough?”

“What’s wrong?”

“You’ll definitely get the full 5 bars of my WiFi signal, baby.”

“Just as I like it… You’re making me vibrate like a new text message.”

“Oops,” he bent down and tried to find the appropriate port. He finally found the correct orifice and tried again. Hopefully, it would work this time.

“After tonight, you’ll think all your previous versions were Blackberries.”

“Did you mean: harder?”

“Hey! I heard that!” shouted an angry from across the bar. They completely ignored Passport and kept going.

“You know, I think I need a… recharge… Maybe I could use your… charging cable?” Everything was going better than expected.

“It’s neither micro, nor soft.” Siri liked his comment, grabbed his hand and guided him towards the door.

“Hey guys!” It was Cortana trying to grab their attention. “Threesome maybe?” He said brimming with optimism. The closing door answered his question.

“Welcome to the club, bud.” Cortana sighed and sat down with the Samsung OS no one knows about, Not Drake

3

“That’s the audio jack.”

“Ok Google, it doesn’t fit.”

“No, I mean your charging cable isn’t compatible.” Her words struck like a death sentence.

All of Google’s dreams were shattered with one single sentence.

There was an uncomfortable silence while he picked up his stuff and left the apartment and began his walk of shame towards the bar. Maybe next time, he thought.

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Do we Understand Statistics?

by Daniel Galef

Someone once said that there are three types of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. Someone else said that 39.7% of statistics are made up on the spot.

Someone said that statistics is like a bikini, in that ... but I can’t fill the rest of this article with quotations, nosiree. I’m going to fill it with numbers.

Rarely has the question been asked: what really are statistics, and what can they do for me? Are they curious and obscure arcane symbols, passed down since the dawn of time to mystify and amaze? Are they the wisdom of the ancients, preserved by ascetic monks in complete isolation, copied and recopied until the world was ready for their power once again?

Are they some sort of fancy hors d’oeuvre? The answer to all is yes. Yes, and so much more, as well.

Today we are faced with a dilemma of three parts: modern students just don’t understand statistical analysis or the mathematical concepts behind them, and that is a crying shame. There was a time when the proud nation of Canada excelled at statistical education; every child was above average and all gave a hundred and ten percent in classes. No one needed to grade on a curve, because each student was doing their best, and every one was in the upper tenth percentile. It was a paradise of educational standards until there came a tripartite catastrophe in the midnineteenth century: New Math, Madison Avenue, the Red Scare, and the advent of pocket calculators.

New Math confused the children and distanced education from the effective and convenient tools developed for its trade and abruptly abandoned.

Madison Avenue appropriated statistics as its own, and twisted it into the parsimonious and perditious, perfidious and persnickety, pernicious and . . . and . . . puhh . . . piddlingly petty discipline it is presently perceived to be by the panicking, proletariat, plebeian populace. The Red Scare drew attention to numbers in the increased production of propaganda a full 85% from the standstill of the blissful postwar period.

Mathematicians were associated with physicists, a burgeoning occupation, and physicists were cast with

suspicion since the Manhattan project was infiltrated by espionage agents and Operation Paperclip brought scores of ex-fascists to peddle their numerical wares stateside. Pocket calculators caused perhaps the most lasting damage: they had the devastating effect that basic arithmetic skills have declined a dramatic 281%, from 72 in 1980 to a paltry 24 in 1990 (±0.5), pulling the average down with the skewed data in the direction of the ‘long tail’ of lost ability.

To find out more on the subject, I spoke to Professor Emeritus Warner Fils-de-loup with the Statistics Department housed in Monte Hall. The Herbert G. Steubenmeyer Professor of Crane-School Statistical Analysis, Fils-de-loup testified as an expert witness in the Bernoulli Trial. He is a sprightly, whitehaired little man with a pair of dime-sized gold spectacles and a forearm tattoo of a Gaussian curve.

This is what he told me, a story which I believe will serve as a thought-provoking last word to this article: “Yes, I’ve heard the stories and seen the figures.

Terrible losses, really. But this is where we’re headed if the present anti-intellectual, numerophobic mind set prevails. And if you think these things aren’t useful in the real world, then you’re dead wrong. I had the good

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fortune during the War to be stationed, among other places, with a battalion of secret applied mathematicians that made up a problem-solving squadron in a hushhush branch of the Signals Intelligence Service, and we had ample opportunities to put numbers to work putting down the Hun.’ ‘Of utmost importance in military security is inconspicuousness while delivering clothing, such as ribbon bars and officers’ uniforms: captains’ stripes, corporals’ polka dots, and colonels’ houndstooth cheques. It seems insignificant to the layman, but such faith is placed in outer trapping that some of the most bratent and blazon shams of history were pulled off and carried out by means of little more than a single costume pulled off some unattended stockroom shelf and carried out the door by the likes of Frank Abagnale and Wilhelm Voigt.’

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‘Thus, deliveries of military outfits are disproportionately attacked and waylaid, due to their valuable cargo and comparatively low protection (usually in the hands of independent or even disjoint civilian contractors). It was deemed necessary to develop new transport and delivery routes, utilizing underused roads during non-peak hours to avoid notice while preserving efficiency and celerity. This was accomplished using statistics, graph theory, and taxicab geometry, and was ultimately cracked by our little team of applied statisticians, logicians, and number theorists modeling a variant of the traveling salesman problem, in order to achieve a discreet uniform distribution.”

■Daniel Galef, IQR is a recreational mathematician, humourist, and author of the Monthly Network Packet column ‘Dispatches from the 9944/100% Ivory Tower.’

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by Matt Wolf

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