The Saucy Issue by The Plumber's Faucet

The Plumber’s The Saucy Issue

Faucet VOLUME XXXI ISSUE IX February 23rd, 2015

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 9

CONTRIBUTERS Editor-In-Chief

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Perhaps the more observent readers of The Faucet will have noticed a lizard who appears on the cover from time to time. That lizard has finally turned one year old! And I’m only a little bitter that lizard has been involved with The Faucet longer than I have! Jump to page 8 to find out more about Old Foss. In this issue you will also find a scandalous look into the peronal life of the much adored Pizza Navona, an expert’s guide to the art of sex-ing while pizza-ing, as well as an in depth look at our forthcoming doom prophesized by a long lost scroll.

Malcolm McClintock

Layout Editors

David Bailey Katharine Callahan Daniel Galef

Writers

Heydar Ensha David Bailey Liam Duff-Meadwell Morgan Mattone Matt Wolf Kieran Mak Daniel Galef Malcolm McClintock

In other Faucet news, I’m delighted to invite you to the largest joint Faucet and Ledger party: St. Paddy’s Blues Pub: Leprekama Sutra. For the unwitting art students who keeps picking up this publication, let me assure you this is not a night just for engineers, but for everyone who loves endless Irish Car-Bombs.

Illustrators

Celestine Hong David Bailey Malcolm McClintock Matt Wolf

Support Ashkaan Mohtashami

Disclaimer

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints

The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@ mcgilleus.ca.

The Plumber’s Faucet vol. 31 no. 9 Monday, February 23rd, 2015 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

Now onto the delectable contents of this issue. When asked, “What is the best part about pizza?” I stumbled and fumbled for an answer. But the more I analyzed the engineer’s delicacy of choice, the more it became apparent that pizza itself is a literal slice of heaven (that’s the correct use of literal, right?). And why stop there? Why can’t pizza expand beyond our mouths and into our minds? It was our mission to investigate the pizza underground. In fact we tried to contact The Pizza Underground, a group of pizza enthusiasts who express their love through music. To my dismay, their press agent has declined us an interview with their band members (one of whom is child star Macaulay Culkin), but was grateful that there were others in this world who shared their joy for the almighty -za. But I digest, I am pleased to present you The Saucy Issue.

Malcolm Mc clintock An EUS Publication

February 23rd, 2015

Pizza Navona: A History in Brief by Heydar yolanda Ensha

would be enveloped by the salt Resurrected in 1889, Pizza caverns for hours at a time. Navona started attending public Navona’s spouse remarked: school early. Navona’s guardians “Navona came home with believed that one was never a trail of salt. It was almost too young to learn. Raised by cartoonish; with a 30 degree a former caravan of travelling head tilt, Navona would take the doctors who decided to settle down and establish some roots, Navona, as one might describe, had a regular life. Most pizza establishments at the time lived in the suburbs, and Navona was no exception. Some might say this stability led Navona to think abstractly on nature, the human condition, and the future of this world. Navona, in a later interview, would look fondly on its early-pizzaestablishment-hood: “I look fondly on my early-pizzaestablishment-hood. I had a space, an environment, to try new things. I don’t know; I guess you could say I was finding myself.” One of the new things Navona took interest in was horticulture. Exercising its green thumb, Navona developed a passion for plant life; this passion would transmute to a love of seeds and legumes.

Young Pizza Navona

heel of its palm and lightly tap on the left lobe and out would pour 2 tablespoons of salt. Navona would joke that we would never have to buy table salt again, and I would respond with my own joke, that Navona was the salt of By the time 1730 came the Earth: a true saint.” around, Navona worked in the And what a saint Navona was. salt mines, as was customary of the time. Navona had to put “Charity was always an aspect of its studies on the backburner, life that was reinforced when I focusing all its attention on the was growing up,” Navona wrote mines. As Navona consumed its in its cheeky autobiography daily ration of salt, the salt mines Spicy?, regarded as one of the consumed Navona. Navona most influential autobiographies

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of the decade. After long hours in the salt mines, Navona established a basketball camp for the elderly. Many people would cite this elderly basketball camp as helping turn the town’s economy around. Poverty rates shrank as the Varicose Vipers went 18-3 to to win the National Championship. With World War II just around the corner, Navona would admit to the cloud that fogged its mind. “I had some friends who dodged [the draft], while others wholeheartedly went in marching. It was a confusing time, you really didn’t know where to stand with it all.” Navona was never drafted, and would leave the salt mines a few weeks later to pursue a career in acting. The following is an excerpt from an interview Navona did on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson: “Ah, yes my young Hollywood days. How could I forget? You know the odd thing is, Johnny, I kind of just showed up and the parts started flowing my way. I was experimenting with seeds at the time, and I guess that struck a chord with people... Oh the seeds you ask? You know, pineapple seeds, tomato seeds, sesame seeds. Heck, even apple seeds if we’re being honest.” And honest Navona was; for a pizza establishment to have a clean and respectable life in Hollywood was pretty rare. Navona was surrounded with

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 9

heavy drug use, drinking, bribery, extortion and other cheeseoriented shake downs: nepotism to top it all off. When Navona’s clean life and abstainment from these activities became common knowledge, the media and their respective audiences gradually became more interested in Navona. They were subsequently disappointed to hear that Navona wanted to have no part in the discussion of these activities. It is this six year period when Navona uncharacteristically declined interviews despite being in the public’s eye. The reason for its silence remains unknown. However, Navona’s spouse was reached for an interview: “I was quite worried. With all the nefarious activities going on at the time, I thought I was going to lose my best friend, my lover. I would stay up late nights when Navona was working and think, ‘Is Navona coming home in one piece? Is Navona coming home at all?’ Navona’s career was like a tornado of emotions. I would be blown into these pits of despair just to be lifted up to heights of joy, then pushed into states of pure jealousy. From the outside, people were quite fond of Navona. Quite a sight to look at. Quite an attractive establishment.”

Navona brought us into its home and showed us a couple of its favourites. “I know it’s vain of me, I have a spouse and all that but it would excite me so much when I got a love letter or poem,” said Navona. Navona then pulled out the following piece of paper for us to read. With its sharp creases, it was evident that Navona had preserved the poem to the best of its ability, yet it was clear the paper had been well read:

Dear Navona, Your warm embrace -- where I am truly happy. I go to you and it’s a vacation. Hawaii, Paris, Rome? No. Italy. Yes. Italy. You say jump. I saw -- how high? You say spicy? Parmesan? I say yes. Please. When I leave, I keep looking back, just to catch one last glimpse of you.

confidants and business partners. They had met at a poetry slam and had exchanged addresses with the promise to communicate. Smitten by her and her ideas, Navona kept in touch with Yolanda through snail mail for many years following. At this point in Navona’s life, it was well established as a pizza establishment. Seeking an environment reminiscent of its early youth. Navona began this new chapter of its life by going back to school. The rest is more or less history, as they say. Navona attended McGill University and just as it had been smitten with Yolanda, Navona fell in love with the city of Montréal and thought that it, too, could establish its roots here just as its guardians of nomadic doctors had done before. Pizza Navona currently resides on 908 Rue Sherbrooke Ouest with its wife Shirley and its 3 and a half progeny. Try the new chicken biryani. Only $7.99.

“Combo #1,” can’t leave my lips fast enough. With infinite love,

-Yolanda

With Navona becoming a household name, it developed a large following. Navona would receive tomes of fan letters Yolanda was initially a at its home address, where it dedicated fan just like all the would sit and read practically others. She would later turn all of them with immense care. to be one of Navona’s closest

An EUS Publication

P.S. This Issue actually doubles as a 10% Off Coupon for Students if presented at Pizza Navona. The Plumber’s Faucet Does not condone subliminal messaging, but it does condone Pizza Navona

Ads in the Cannibalâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Supermarket by Liquid Giggles

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February 23rd, 2015

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 9

Ancient Prophecy Correctly Predicts Flood and Fire. Officials Brace for Looming Final Disaster. by Zexi SwamY An ancient scroll, which predicted three great disasters on McGill’s campus, has demonstrated its prophetic prowess in light of the 2013 flood. Now, the recent fire of RVC only reaffirmed the power of the scroll. Discovered beneath the coat of the James McGill statue in 2010, the scroll was written in both English and French in accordance with McGill’s bilingualism policy. While it primarily consists of official records and documentation, there is a prominent section entitled “The Prophecies: The Three Plagues of McGill” which provides mildly cryptic prophetic verses of three disasters that will plague the campus. The first prophecy states, “A torrent of water unleashed up the campus hills shall flood the halls and sweep those who try to stop it away.” Experts have come to the consensus that this refers to the flood of 2013, which resulted in thousands of dollars of damage. Recall the notorious “Flood Girl,” who just so happened to be swept away. (Authors note: If somehow you haven’t seen this go look it up on YouTube now).

of the scroll, noting that the increasing validity is concerning. “Prior to the fire, and I was not particularly concerned” She said. “ These kinds of documents turn up all the time, but their prophecies are generally vague “I’m burning through the sky yeah! Two hundred degrees that’s why they call my Mister Fahrenheit” -Queen and go unfulfilled. However, the from, experts are cautioning public accuracy of the latest prediction is officials to take this threat seriously. certainly cause for concern.” The police chief and the mayor The third prophecy, perhaps have been informed and are the direst and most specific of all, currently in the process of preparing states: “The Royal Mountain shall a series of preparedness drills and erupt in a hail of thunder, ash, and emergency evacuation plan in an marinara sauce.” While this may attempt to mitigate the particularly seem improbable due to the fact saucy threat. that Mont Royal isn’t a volcano, let alone the uncertainty as to where the marinara sauce would come

The second prophecy speaks of “A firestorm that shall erupt to the heavens and set Queen Victoria ablaze”. This one is startlingly accurate and hard to dispute. Elisa Bourque, a professor in the Art History department, specializes in historical documents such as this. Bourque confirmed the authenticity

An artist’s depiction of our doom

An EUS Publication

February 23rd, 2015

Fighting for Civil Lefts by Pseudonym Needed It’s hard to believe that we live in such a modern city and still feel plagued by ignorance and bigotry. McGill is no exception, marginalizing minorities at every available chance. Left handed citizens, or the more common slur ‘leftys’, have been swept under the rug time and time again. From casual remarks in the halls, to test-taking segregation, McGill has yet to acknowledge the glaring divide among its student population. It was a midterm like any other. Students filed in promptly 5 minutes before the test began; Igor the TA stood at the front of the room rustling his papers. As everyone began to quiet down, Igor announced “Please raise your hand if you’re a left-handed person,” The students complied, “Now please raise your hand if you’re a regular person in a left handed desk.” A jape. A cruel jest in the direction of the ten percent. As a handful of students stood and traded seats on the stage of shame and humiliation, a wave of snickers moved across the room. Even Igor was laughing. A girl rushed out of the room, tears streaming down her face. That poor girl never made it back to the midterm. Underlying segregation has taken its toll on this student, and dozens of others, and will continue to do so until someone does something about it. Sure, left-handed students confined to the leftmost desk of the large lecture halls present the facade of boredom and disinterest just like everyone else, but underneath that there are real people. Believe it or not, lefthanded citizens are just like you and me. An anonymous interview with one of these left-handed students reveals the hardships they endure on a daily basis. “It’s so hard being different from everyone else; whenever I meet new people I’m petrified they’ll see me using this... this devil hand and recognize me for the lefty that I am,” I cannot properly convey the emotion in his voice, but let me assure you it was tragic. “Do you know what it’s like to have all of your friends save a seat for you- the seat on the far end of the row where you can’t socialize with anyone else and it’s also a little bit harder to see the board?” Marginalization has never been so literal. The student even went on to confess writing entire essays with his right hand just to fit in. Luckily someone has decided to take a stand and end

this dichotomy. Or, shall we say, take a seat. Rosa Porks, VP Internal for LHCM (Left- Handed Citizens of McGill), has proudly taken a seat in the middle of her row. It appears, however, that her act of defiance has gone unnoticed for a few weeks now. Rosa is famous for having been quoted “James McGill built left-handed desks. James McGill also had slaves. Coincidence?” Rosa and her rag tag team are inviting everyone who is able to take a stand in the name of Civil Lefts.

PIZZA? PIZZA!

A Sternly-Worded Letter to Augustus P. Pizza, CPO of Pizza Pizza by Daniel Galef The trouble with chain pizzerias is that there is no guarantee of consistent quality between franchises. Exempli gratia, the Pizza Pizza pizza near us isn’t really Pizza Pizza pizza. It’s pizza, and it’s from Pizza Pizza, but it’s not real Pizza Pizza pizza. I mean, of course it technically is Pizza Pizza pizza, but it doesn’t merit being called, even though it is Pizza Pizza pizza, Pizza Pizza pizza. The product there simply is not, though it is, as the franchise is Pizza Pizza, Pizza Pizza pizza, Pizza Pizza pizza. Pizza Pizza pizza, Pizza Pizza, Pizza Pizza pizza being their number one seller, having long been a much beloved franchise, is a quality product. In general, the instance of the type must be to the type itself typical to define the type as consistent, and any thing must be by law identical to itself, of course including to the signature foodstuff of that restaurant that superficially resembles Pizza Pizza, Pizza Pizza, Pizza Pizza pizza, Pizza Pizza pizza: pizza, Pizza Pizza, Pizza Pizza pizza (pizza, pizza; Pizza Pizza, Pizza Pizza; Pizza Pizza pizza, Pizza Pizza pizza), Pizza Pizza pizza, Pizza Pizza, pizza.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 9

Unmasking the Mascot we don’t give a toss for any old man who don’t give a toss for Old Foss

**note to ed.: remove the comma before “leading,” and remove the colon of the patient in room 23B.

by Daniel Galef

See them marching, almost human: Eustace Tilley and Alfred Neuman, and Sylvester Smythe plodding on behind,

The Boy Reporter is on the ticket, plus the eponymous children’s-lit Cricket; wave to the crowd, ink glistening in the sun. The Judge from Judge and Puck from Puck stick together; they’ll have no truck with, arm in arm, Mr. Punch and Mr. Fun

A l t h o u g h McGill University is some playboy bunny, all craning their necks at her, renowned primarily followed by Esky and Ms. Exeter for the sciences and striking up a friendship of a kind boasting,[**] leading schools of medicine — Willard R. Espy, “Magazine Mascot March” and engineering operating within its profs. It may simplify things to wasn’t too easy to print out a .gif walls, it has a thriving literary scene, as well as several let campus know that we are just on paper, but Copi-EUS is at the non-creative outlets such as news objectively the best of these, in forefront of printing technology). publications and departmental any and all contexts and for all This well-received and evenjournals. It seems that every intents and intensive purposes, better-given issue resulted in student society and campus club and we know this because we our widest-ever circulation in has their own, and this can get very have something that no other the history of the Faucet, a full confusing for incoming students, on-campus publication has: Boys, eight copies, meaning we finally outgoing students (not grads, just we’ve got ourselves a bonnifeeday had enough to distribute among students who are too extroverted mascot. the staff and editorial board, and gregarious to waste their About a year ago today (ahh, and the contributing writers time reading this garbage), and but I remember it like it was a had something to use as toilet even the more senile of tenured year ago tomorrow), we printed paper and as a source of kindling 1

A lizard on ice.

the Apology Issue , featuring a lavish cover with an entire chorus line of heads of state and a small menagerie of ice-dancing reptilians (don’t worry about it, it made no sense in context, either). The readership, stupid bumpkin plebs that you are, loved it. On this cover we went whole-hog, maybe even seven-sixths hog, with full colour for the first time since our senior content editor ran out of kidneys to sell, plus a pop-out section, holographic text, and a special never-before-seen colour we invented just for that issue. Heck, I’m pretty sure the illustration was a functional .gif (It 1

for ashcan fires (unrelated to Ashkaan, our lovely VP Comm, who won’t need to know how to barbecue a feral pigeon over burning plastic bottles until after he graduates with a McGill degree). Chief among the skating lizards on this cover was a large iguana, who, for reasons known only to our much-beleaguered psychoanalysts, we have included, subtly or overtly, on every single issue cover since. You know, unless we forgot (then he’s still there, but he’s invisible). I’d go on, but I think this was supposed to be building to something or other, so, if you’re

(MLA C/S Print and web, Faucet [ISSN (print): 1707-7478; ISSN (online): 2291-3513] 29.8 [2014, EUS McGill]. See works cited.)

An EUS Publication

February 23rd, 2015 still reading this, and I can’t imagine why you would be, please meet the newest member of the McGill Engineering community, Old Foss the Iguana!

OLD FOSS What do Mad Magazine, Cracked, Punch, Puck, Fun, and Judge all have in common? Besides being the most well-known and well-read humour magazines of the last few centuries, they all branded themselves with mascots – named personifications of what the journal was and stood for, and endowed with a personality, backstory, and possibly with cartooned antics in the margins or a running pseudonymous column in their name.

These were all influences in the creation of our own masthead figurehead, but some were more appealing (or at least less appalling) than others. Old Owl, the genial and senile cigarmasticating, whiskybibbling face of the Yale Record, was definitely somewhere in the mix, as was the anatine mascot of You Bet Your Life, the similarly-bespectacled and cigar-afficionado duck who descends from the eaves to the strains of ‘Hooray for Captain Spaulding.’

Yup, that’s pretty accurate. some of that dated pop-culture magic I mentioned earlier, you may picture us as your metaphorical Flappy Bird: annoying, not fun, and a blatant ripoff of a superior forebear, yet oddly addictive, and (hopefully) worth something as soon as we stop making it. Of course, unless you are blind (braille edition of the Plumber’s Faucet available by special request from Copi-EUS with purchase of equal or greater value [i.e., just about anything]), you already know that Foss is not a bird, but

Were we to continue this elementary chain, as a pedigree hybrid of the ivy-covered Tootsie Roll commercial refugee and Ceiling Duck, the Plumber’s Faucet’s own spirit animal might be something along the lines of this Potoo, an owl primarily known among ornithologists for its exceedingly silly appearance. To use a less obscure referent (not a path I generally take), we are the robin that lovingly regurgitates stale jokes and dated pop culture into your eager, gaping maws, in the form of tired listicles that couldn’t cut the mustard on a third-rate knockWho wouldn’t kill to be in this illustrious off of Cracked.com. company? We have — I mean, we would Alternately, to use

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 9

rather a lizard. To be specific, Old Foss is an axanthic morph of the species green iguana (Hypsilophus tuberculatus rhinolophus, Wagler-Fitzinger, 1833).

I’m not even kidding.] But beyond that, Foss the Iguana represents all the myriad memorable characters and historical figures that populate the colourful and storied cultural something-or-other of the Faucet, of McGill, and of engineering itself. This glorious pantheon includes Godiva (and the old man for whom we give a grand total of precisely zero damns), Brunel (and his ego, 98% of his physical manifestation by mass), Kipling (you naughty boy!), the EUS Wombat, the Lizard of Trottier (who, believe it or not, in no way influenced the creation of Foss), that sweet and lovable BMOC Tommy Cream (say, what did ol’ ‘Creamy Tom’ ever get up to after graduation?) , Marty Martlet (who blatantly stole our idea of the assonant name, that assonant ass), Si Whiffletree (he’s all right), the Ghost of Gelber Library and the 3.5 other departed souls in residence, George the Gorilla (that beloved inhabitant of the Redpath Museum, stolen in the mid-1950s by a mysterious trio of hooligans claiming to be medical students, and later returned in a decidedly incomplete form, sans dignity and something else, hooting in 2 a distinctly higher register of Mangani ), and, of course, that brave and anonymous young woman 2

who valiantly attempted and failed in the harsh winter of ought-twelve to ford the McTavish River during the brutal flood of that anno which claimed the lives of three bicycles and a rubbish bin. The last Faucet facet of our soon-to-be beloved mascot with an eventually-to-be long history to be cemented was a name. In fact, the lovable iguana’s identity was established and had been inserted obviously or subtly into issue covers for almost a year before this was ultimately decided. One early suggestion was Brian or Brian Farnan, but this seemed to many of us short-sighted and merely an ephemeral artifact of the scandal-of-the-week that spawned our mascot’s creation, as opposed to a lasting and intelligible cognomen that won’t be an obscure historical in-joke. Another suggestion was [REDACTED], an Anglicized version of the name [EVEN MORE REDACTED], after the EUS exec whose response listserv and the mini-scandal aftershock it caused contained some of the earlier inklings of the lizard we would all come to know and know, but this idea was scrapped for similar reasons, and also to avoid the appearance of narcissism. Iggy the Iguana was obvious and carried no meaning or connotations, and, worse, it’s taken, by a very popular children’s book series, but this didn’t prevent its being repeatedly brought up when the issue of a name arose. The name that was chosen, finally, was Foss. Several reasons ranging from the merely notgreat to the genuinely ill-thought-out went into this decision: Firstly, to continue in the tradition of good old-fashioned laziness, naming the mascot after the magazine, a la “Esky” of Esquire, a rag which without a doubt we can give a run for their money any day of the week, plus alternating weekends. Second, the name “Foss” is itself not without precedent in the history of humour writing and parody poems, both of which here at the Faucet are our bread and butter, even if they’re not our cup of tea. It is the name of Edward Lear’s pet cat, pictured here in the poet’s own hand (severed). And, fourthly (I skipped three because I am currently being blackmailed by

No, seriously: Ditkowsky, Jared. “The Curious Adventures of Castrated George.” Redpath Research Journal 1 (2011-2012). Print.

An EUS Publication

February 23rd, 2015

a handful of very powerful underworld figures who will brutally reason with me if I ever so much as breathe a word about my situation, or, goodness forbid, inhale a whole subordinate clause of it), the acronym FOSS has real meaning to all software engineers (plus the CS thugs, should we deign to acknowledge their existence) as a longstanding beacon of coding liberty, standing for Free and Open-Source Software. It will do you well to get on with Foss, as he is a permanent fixture (if sadly little-known) in the engineering scene. He may be seen by the attentive eye clinging to the ceiling in the tunnels below the campus and also frequently sighted in the bars around town. When he is filled with the strygian flame of satire, he lurks around the ‘Dungeon’ underneath Macdonald and thoughtfully blows smoke out of his nostrils. When he comes to his senses, he is more readily to be found sitting around the EUS committee room and the G-Store Nook (for which he was in fact the first to coin the rather blue nickname The G-Spot), catching flies

What’re you lookin’ at? The article’s over. with the rest of us (figuratively and literally), and occasionally relates colourful anecdotes from his more than one-hundred-and-fifty-year experience as a member of the McGill community. Because of his relatively obscure nature as an old eccentric, you may not have heard of Foss the Iguana before today, and nothing we can say or do can make up for that loss. But, by gosh, you do now. You’re welcome.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 9

FACC 400 Practice Ethics Test

by Liquid Giggles Those of you in FACC 400 are probably getting pretty worried, because you haven’t been to a single class and the exam is in a couple of months. You likely don’t even know the course title “Professionalism and Ethics and Stuff in Engineering” or something. No one fails FACC 400 they say, but you don’t want to be that guy who delays graduation because he fails a one credit course. Now, you’re reading the Faucet, so you probably won’t pass the professionalism section, but I think we can help you on the ethics. How will we help you with the ethics? Well, we broke into the prof’s office, took a look at his drafts of the final exam questions, and are publishing them here for you to practice! This will be a multi-part series if I don’t get expelled. 1. You are in charge of constructing a major acid processing plant that may cause major environmental damage. Where should you build the plant? a. On the ice cap. b. Downtown Hamilton – probably an improvement to the neighbourhood. c. The Sunderbans Tiger Reserve in West Bengal. d. Give it to a contractor and let them worry about it. e. Make due with a more basic solution. 2. Which conifer to you prefer: a. Cedar b. Strawberry c. Pine d. Spruce #1, the Larch. The Larch.

4. You need to shut down one of the company’s factories, and lay off everyone working there. Factory A employs 100 people who weigh 200 lbs each. Factory B employs 200 people who weigh 100 lbs each. Factory C employs 4000 people weighing 5 lbs each. Factory D employs your mother. Which do you shut down? a. b. c. d.

Factory A Factory B Factory C Factory D

5. What is colour is best: a. Red b. Yellow c. Burnt Orange d. Taupe #3, the Larch. The Larch. 6. The Proletariat has risen up, and is running rampant through the streets, hunting for the blood of the Bourgeoisie. As an engineer, do you: a. Fight with the people. Kill the Capitalist Dogs, and use your knowledge to build the great United Communist Canadian Union! b. The plebs must be put in their place. Make machines of war to use against the rabble. c. Manufacture and sell weapons to both sides, and wait to see which side will win. Then pretend you were 100% with them all along, and become a very rich hero. 7. You are attempting to win a major contract, but you think the customer is starting to lean towards you competitor. What are acceptable ways to bring them back to your side?

3. You received a quote from a supplier, and though they have a much better price and service than other suppliers, they forgot the Oxford comma at several points in the quotation document. Do you go with them? a. No, no, and no b. Yes, yes and yes c. Grammar conventions are not that important

a. Offer a gift to their negotiator as a token of appreciation for his hard work. Deliver the gift in a briefcase. b. Straight up bribe their company. Bribe them by coming up with a new official quote with better service and lower prices. Be open and transparent about the bribery process. c. Oral sex. d. None of the above, unless their rep is really hot.

Answers: Q1: E, Q2- #1, Q3- A!!!, Q4-D, Q5- D, Q6- 42, Q7- C

An EUS Publication

February 23rd, 2015

Best Places to Eat for McGill Students

by Lorenzo von Matterhorn Montreal Pizza pizzacan pizza, be apizza confusing pizza pizza pizza. Pizza, pizza pizza. Pizza place for first year students. Not Pizzadoes pizzaeveryone pizza pizza pizza. Pizza only speak Spanish, pizza, pizza pizza but living onpizza your pizza own for thepizza first pizza. Pizza! Pizza, pizza challenges: pizza, Pizza time presents some Pizza Pizzanopizza pizza. mommy longer cooks for you, she Pizza doesn’t clean for she pizza pizza, you, pizzaand pizza. especially kiss and tuckpizza you Pizza pizzadoesn’t pizza pizza pizza in at night while telling you you’re pizza, pizza pizza pizza. Pizza pizza special. Never fear,Pizza however, for I pizza, pizza. Pizza. pizza pizza am here to help. I can help you find pizza pizza pizza pizza, pizza pizza the best take-out restaurants, I can pizza. Pizza pizza pizza, pizza. Pizza. give you a list of do’s and don’ts Pizza pizza pizza pizza pizza pizza for laundry, and ifpizza. you’rePizza a woman, pizza, pizza pizza pizza I’m sure we could come to some pizza, pizza. arrangement for number three. Pizza. Pizzais pizza pizza pizza Seeing as this the Pizza Navona pizza pizza, pizza pizza pizza. issue, pizza I figured a food-themed Pizza pizza pizza, pizza. Pizza. (and article would be appropriate justPizza! so were is Pizza 100% Pizza,clear, pizzathis pizza, completely unbiased). Without Pizza Pizza pizza pizza. Pizza pizza pizza, pizza. further ado, here Pizza.isPizza a list pizza of thepizza best pizza pizza pizza pizza take-out places forpizza, McGillpizza students. pizza. Pizza, pizza pizza, Pizza Pizza Pizza pizza pizza. Pizza pizza pizza, Boustan pizza. Pizza. Pizza pizza pizza pizza Boustan is the Canada Goose pizza pizza pizza, pizza pizza pizza. of take out: sure it tastes good pizza, pizza andPizza does pizza the job, butpizza it’s more pizza pizza. pizzaReid’s pizza.mom. Pizza popular at 3Pizza, AM than Pizza pizza pizza pizza pizza. Pizza Not only that, but for a restaurant pizza, pizza pizza pizza pizza pizza that caters pretty much solely to pizza. Pizza! Pizza, pizza pizza, Pizza students, it’s not that cheap: most Pizza Pizza pizza pizza. of the plates cost upwards of 10$. pizza pizza, pizza. For Pizza poor students thatpizza is a mighty Pizza to pizza pizza pizzathere’s pizza price pay.pizza Lucky for you, pizza, pizza pizza pizza. Pizza pizza an inexpensive alternative just steps pizza,McGill pizza. that Pizza.costs Pizzajust pizza from 5$ pizza for a pizza pizza pizza pizza, pizza pizza fulfilling meal… called Pizza Navona. pizza. Pizza pizza pizza, pizza. Pizza. Pizza pizza pizza pizza pizza pizza Lola Rosa pizza, pizza pizza pizza. Pizza pizza popular option due to its pizza,Apizza. Pizza. Pizza pizza pizza prime location the pizza middle of pizza pizza pizzainpizza, pizza the ghetto, and because it offers pizza. Pizza pizza pizza, pizza. Pizza. hipsters a place to congregate. Pizza! Pizza, pizza pizza, Pizza

However, it’s always packed and for the price the food isn’t even that good. Plus, it’s vegetarian only. Let me repeat that: it’s vegetarian only. One more time: VEGETARIAN ONLY. You know what isn’t vegetarian only? Pizza Navona. Need I say more?

No, you need something that you can grab with two hands and just go to town on, preferably covered in cheese and tomato sauce. And honestly, it’s 2015: why eat uncooked food when you can get it cooked? You know who else ate uncooked food? Cavemen. We’re better than that.

Timmy Ho’s Beloved for their cheap coffee and multiple locations near campus, Tim Hortons offers a variety of healthy sandwiches. But who wants a sandwich when you could have pizza? Most people know that John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich, created the sandwich when he asked his servants to bring him slices of meat between two pieces of bread. But that’s not the whole story. What most people forget is that a few weeks later, during a game of cards, Montagu saw his good friend Leonardo da Vinci, 3rd Earl of Pizza, eating a piece of bread with tomatoes, melted cheese and pepperoni on top. Upon seeing this divine creation, Montagu dropped to his knees and fell into a deep despair. He committed suicide a couple of weeks later when he suffocated himself with dry, unappetizing pieces of bread. True story.

McGill Cafeterias A cafeteria? Seriously? What is this, middle school?

Burger Places To round of this list I’m going with a wider category: any fast food, American-style burger joint. Sure, the food might taste good but it’s some damn unhealthy. You know what isn’t unhealthy? Pizza. It has carbs, meat, tomato sauce, and cheese. Plus, you can get healthy options on your pizza such as mushrooms, peppers, or even pineapple. Pizza Navona takes it a step further by putting sesame seeds on their pizza, allowing you to get even more vital vitamins and nutrients. It’s a win-win. As you can clearly see, Pizza Navona simply outshines and outclasses the competition. Next time you’re looking for some good, wholesome food, look no further.

Miso Sushi Don’t get me wrong, if you like sushi Miso is the place to go. The portions, however, can leave some wanting more. I know that after a long day of ‘studying’, the last thing you want to eat for supper is a bunch of glorified hors-d’oeuvres.

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Lorenzo von Matterhorn would like to thank Pizza Navona for issuing him a lifetime supply of pizza in exchange for writing this article.

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 9

Pizza Me Baby

Pizza varieties to spice up life in the bedroom

by Morgan Mattone Foreplay-izza This is the warm-up slice, nothing too filling but keeps you wanting to come back for more. The ideal pizza would involve something spicy to stimulate your senses for what’s coming. We don’t want you to start sweating yet, so a classic jalapeño slice will get the job done. If you’re into Japanese food, a few bits of wasabi scattered atop a thin-crust margarita pizza will do just as well. Throw some ginger on there to really clear that pallet for the next slice.

S&M (slices and more) Now that your digestive track is aroused and your tongue is well equipped, we are ready to choose the pie that will satisfy your wildest dreams, along with the optimal position to get the most out of your experience.

The Meat-Lover’s Pie Whether it’s with sausage, meatballs, or cat meat; you can’t go wrong with the Meat-Lover’s Pie. Dating back to the 14th century, this pie was handcrafted right in the heart of Pisa, Italy and devoured during optimal climax period between lovers. Similarly, this is when the stance “The Leaning Tower of Pizza” was invented, or more formally, “Torre di Pizza”. To perform this, one needs a ladder sturdy enough to hold the weight of two people.

With your partner sitting on the step that is most comfortable, straddle your partner so your body is flush against theirs; now feed each other the pizza.

Stuffed Crust with Extra Sauce Open your mouth to a whole new era of pizza crust. This stuffed crust is filled with warm, melted cheese that oozes out with every bite. As the gooey cheese slides smoothly down your throat you’ll be begging for more. Least not forget the extra sauce to compliment the stuffed crust. Warning, you will get messy. Due to it’s overwhelming amount of filling and sauce, it is highly recommended to use a surface whilst consuming. When doing the dirty, have your partner take you from behind, or vice versa, and let them use your back as a table while you use whatever is beneath you as your surface. Maybe throw on the Discovery Channel for a little inspiration.

touch with your crustacean side by turning on the bathtub and hopping in with your partner. Sit down and slide your legs around their torso for the intimate shellfish appeal. Hold the pizza in your mouth and keep your hands upright in a crab-like manner, occasionally snapping them, for a little challenge to really set the mood.

Flaccid and Pass it:

Sit back and relax by throwing it back with mini pizza bagels. Now that your mouth is fully exercised, you can probably fit more than the normal amount of pizza bagels Poseidon’s Family Jewels into your orifice at once. Not only I hope you’re wearing is this act impressive, but also will protection because it’s about to definitely get your partner excited get crabby! Sink your claws into for round 2. this seaside inspired pizza topped with crabmeat and anchovies. The flavor is so rich, even Ariel won’t mind tasting her friends. Get in

An EUS Publication

February 23rd, 2015

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